# You thought you had|found a good girl #
# One to love you|and give you the world #
# Now you find|that you've been misused #
# Talk to me,|I'll do what you choose #
# I want you to #
# Tell Mama #
# All about it #
# Tell Mama #
# What you need #
# Tell Mama #
# What you want #
# And I'll make everything|all right #
# That girl you had|didn't have no sense #
# She wasn't worth|all the time that you spent #
# She had another man|throw you outdoors #
# Now the same man|is wearing your clothes #
# I want you|to tell Mama #
# Tell Mama #
# What you want #
# And I'll make everything|all right... #
Hi, it's Charlie.|Leave a message.
Hi, Charlie. It's Carol|from the LA Temp Agency.
Listen, Dr. Batel's office needs you|for tomorrow. Is that okay?
Let me know. Bye.
Good morning, neighbor.
Hey.|Help yourself.
Oh, thanks.|I was out of everything.
Aw, why do I even bother?
You know, Remy, I gave you|that key for emergencies.
Extreme emergencies.
It was.|I needed caffeine.
I don't know.|This is good. I'd even wear it.
Good, 'cause I've got to go.|I'm late for my first client.
But you stay,|have breakfast, take a shower.
Go through my drawers.
# Tell Mama #
# All about it #
# Tell Mama #
# What you want #
# Tell Mama... #
- Hey, Charlie.|- Morning.
- Are the boys ready?|- Dragon! Zorro!
Hey!|There are my boys.
Come on. Yay.
- See you later!|- Bye!
- Be good, boys!|- Whoa! Slow down!
# Tell Mama|all about it #
# Tell Mama|what you need... #
"Romance is in the air today.
No one can resist|your obvious charms."
Well, Otis, your horoscope|seems accurate.
Stop it.|Come on.
Let's read mine.|Okay.
"Do not leave your house today."|Too late.
"And stop looking so hard.|Love is right in front of you."
Hey.|What's wrong?
I ordered a nonfat latte.|I can taste the fat.
I would be happy|to change it for you, sir.
Can't you even make a friggin' cup|of coffee? I can taste the fat.
How hard it is to make|a friggin' cup of coffee?
I can make another one|for you if you'd like. I'd be happy
- to exchange it for you, sir.|- Hello? It's okay.
- You've done enough, thanks.|- I'm sorry.
Karma.
- Have a good one.|- Thanks, girl!
- Oh, sorry.|- Oh, I'm sorry.
Hi.
Hi.
I don't know how|to read tarot cards.
- Why am I in the cards?|- Come on, just try.
Okay, well, this crazy old lady|keeps coming up.
The knight|in shining armor.
- Mmm! That's mine.|- No no no. What?
- I saw this guy twice today.|- That guy?
Two times in one day.|That's got to be a sign, right?
Mm, a sign.
Yeah, okay. What did he say|when you talked to him?
I didn't talk to him.
Well, are you sure|he saw you?
Yeah!|I mean, I think so.
Okay, honey,|we're worried about you
because you're turning|into a little bit of a freak.
Yeah, we think|it's from not having sex.
- Exactly.|- Look, just because...
I haven't been in|a relationship in a while
doesn't mean|I'm miserable.
I just want a sweet guy,
you know, a guy|who's strong but still...
...opens a door|once in a while.
And who notices|things and...
you know, maybe|makes a difference.
Maybe he completes you.
Oh.
You complete me.
Oh, sorry.
Dr. Batel's office.|Hi, Mrs. Reynolds.
- Go to Grandma's, tell her|I'll be home late.
- I still have stitches to do...|- Yeah, can you please hold?
I'll see you|at home.
You know what? You go ahead.|I can do that for you.
- Oh thank you, Charlie. You're a doll.|- No problem.
Hey, George.
- How're you doing, Charlie?|- Good.
- What do you got there?|- The doctor asked me
to bring it from home.
Whew! Okay!
All right. The doctor|will be right with you.
# I said "Leap into|my arms, babe" #
- Thank you.|- # Come on, dive into the stove... #
We're here!
Thank God|you guys are here.
I am down two girls|tonight. Here.
- Sorry, that's all I got left.|- Sweet.
Wow. You know, I love that I am|now comfortable enough with my sexuality
- to wear something like this, you know?|- Looks good on you.
- Hey, what's up?|- Take off the apron now.
- Sorry.|- Where do we start?
Okay, uh, hand out|these shrimp balls.
There has got to be|a better name for those.
- I don't think it's that bad of a name.|- What's wrong with the name?
# I said, I say,|sometimes we look back... #
- Oh my God, that's him.|- Whoa! Who? Who?
The guy I ran into.|He's here.
- Where?|- What?
That is three times in two days.|What are the chances of that?
- Um, like, none.|- That's Dr. Fields.
This is his party. He just moved|back from San Francisco.
- Really?|- Yeah.
Well, you're right.|He is hot.
# Flirting|with disaster #
# You're the one|I'm after #
# I think I've found|my destiny #
# I can fly #
# On the wings|of my heart #
# Deep inside #
# I've been falling apart #
# L-l-love #
# There's a magic in you #
# And I'll be #
- # Under your spell... # |- Here's the best part.
The guy then goes|into cardiac arrest,
Kevin performs CPR|on the guy,
saves his life again.
God.|Disgusting, isn't he?
No, you are amazing.
Yeah.
Excuse me?
W-wait wait wait.|What do we have there?
Oh, um, balls.
Uh, shrimp balls.
Um, shrimp in...
...balls.
I'm sorry,
but we're not really|into fish genitalia.
Yeah, okay.
Was she really listening|to our conversation?
Excuse me.
Wait a second.
Um, so I know two things|about you... you work in catering,
and you have a lot of dogs.
Oh, that... no.
Uh, I'm a dog walker.
I'm not some crazy dog-lady|with 12,000 dogs.
- That's why.|- And I'm sorry about before.
I didn't mean|to be eavesdropping.
Well, you're right.|You shouldn't have.
You should have stayed|and talked to me.
Well, your girlfriend|seemed pretty offended.
Oh no, that's...|that's not my girlfriend.
I-I don't have a...|I'm sing...
I don't have|a girlfriend.
What?
Nothing.
Nothing. Um, I'm Charlie.|Charlotte, but Charlie.
Well, I'm... I'm Kevin.
- Nice to meet you.|- Nice to meet you, too.
Uh-oh.
What? What does|"uh-oh" mean?
It looks like someone else|is mowing your lawn, Fiona.
I'm gonna go|destroy these.
Excuse me.|I'll see you guys.
Oh, my shoes|are killing me
which means|they must look fabulous.
Can I get you anything?
One of him on a platter.
Such a waste.
What's a waste?
Oh, you didn't know?
Kevin's gay.
- What?|- Yeah.
That's Kit, the groom.
Or maybe he's the bride.|I can't remember
which one's the top|and which one's the bottom.
Yeah, they're getting married|next Christmas in Maui.
I didn't get that vibe.
Trust me.
Thanks.
Look at|that dude's arms!
I used to have|such good gaydar.
Oh, you're home.|Thank God.
- I'm exhausted.|- What did you do today?
- Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.|- Went to the post office.
Uh, hi, Charlie.
- This is Kevin Fields.|- That's him.
I don't know if you remember me|from the party the other night,
but I was just calling,|uh, to see if, um,
maybe... maybe you wanted|to walk my dog.
What? No!
Hang up the phone.
No, actually, you can't,|because I don't have a dog.
So maybe you could|walk me.
Hang it up.
All right, you know,|I'm-I'm gonna go now.
Call me at 555-0118|and ask for Dr. Fields.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Oh man, that was...|that was horrible.
Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath|for a callback on that.
Yeah, she'll call me back|if she wants to walk an idiot.
Yeah, I'm not going|to disagree with you.
So takeout|or raid your fridge?
Here we go.
Take it easy, Lilly.
Easy.
Hi.
You never called me back so I figured|I would bring the coffee to you.
Thanks.
Um, look, I think you're|a really nice guy and everything,
but I don't know why|you called me.
- Hmm?|- I'm a woman.
Yeah, I love that fact.
Have you ever been|with a woman?
Excuse me?
I mean, have you only|ever been with men?
Men?|What are you talking...
whoa whoa whoa.|Wait a minute, I'm not gay.
- You're not?|- No.
No, I like women.|Lots of... no, not lots of women,
but you know what I mean.
Why did you think|I was gay?
Awkward.
Okay, I got to go now.
Wait wait.|Wait wait wait.
Okay, I'll prove to you|that I'm not gay.
Let me take you out on Friday night.|We'll watch the playoffs,
I'll order a pizza,|I'll completely ignore you.
Give me one good reason.
'Cause I'm different.
Really?
Okay, what color|are my eyes?
Well, at first glance,|your eyes are brown.
But when the light hits them|they change to amber.
And if you look really closely around the|iris the color is pure honey.
But when you look|into the sun
they almost look green.
That's my favorite.
How did I do?
I would've settled|for brown.
- Okay!|- Peanut, let go!
Off! Off!
I'm sorry he bit you.
I mean, they all have their shots|so it should be fine.
Seriously, don't worry about it.|It barely broke the skin.
- Outside.|- Did you just move in or something?
No, I've been here|a year and a half.
Oh, nice place.
I should have some hydrogen peroxide|around here somewhere.
What is all this stuff?
Oh, I'm a yoga instructor.
- This?|- And a Little League coach.
And a dog walker|and a caterer.
I told you I'm a temp.
That is not true.|She is an incredibly talented artist.
- Remy! Remy!|- I mean, look at her sketchbook.
- She hides it right under there.|- Remy!
What?
He's not...
- Are you all right?|- Yeah. Yeah, thank you.
Found it!
So you're an artist, too?
Uh, I like to dabble|in a lot of different things.
I mean, life's too short|to live the same day twice, right?
Yeah. That's a good|philosophy to live by.
My dad always used|to say that. Come on.
- Used to?|- Oh, yeah,
- my parents died when I was little.|- Oh, I'm sorry.
That's okay.|It was a really long time ago.
- You ready?|- Yeah... I mean,
it's a little embarrassing.|I'm the doctor.
I'm the one who's supposed|to look at the... ah! Ow!
- Oh my God. I'm sorry!|- I'm just kidding.
I never get to do that.
Okay, because the cut is,|like, three inches higher.
Sorry.
- Do you need my phone?|- Oh, no thanks.
It's just my mom. And it's only|her second page of the day.
She's just getting started.
- Well, you're all set.|- Thank you.
So, do you think, uh...
we could do this again sometime,|maybe without the biting?
Yeah, that would be nice.
- Heard from Kevin yet?|- Not yet. I've paged him.
Would you page|him again?
- Good morning, Stan.|- Good morning.
- You're in a good mood.|- The last time the network executives
came to my dressing room|I got my own show and a big fat raise.
- Yeah and I had to start kissing your...|- Viola Fields? Oh my God!
It is such an honor|to meet you.
Oh thank you, darling.
Would you mind|just signing this autograph?
For my grandmother.
I'd love to.
You know what else|I'd love?
I'd love you to get me a latte.|Do you mind?
- Okay.|- Thanks, hon.
Hi, guys.|How are you?
That woman is a legend.
Shouldn't you be|getting the latte?
I just can't believe|they picked me to replace her.
Oh, shit!
I-I've been replaced?
I'm so sorry, Viola.
Psst!|I'm fine.
I mean, you've had|an amazing career, Viola.
It's just that we're trying to appeal|to a younger demographic.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
God damn!|Get my manager on the phone!
And then I'm gonna call|the head of the...
Uh, we're on in two minutes.
- Okay.|- Will you get her to come?
- Please!|- Okay, she'll be ready.
I'm ready.
# ... love got jeans|and a tee #
# Am I kinky or sweet? #
- # Take a look inside my makeup bag # |- # Ooh #
# If you wanna love me #
# How good or bad|I can be... #
- Are you okay?|- I'm great.
Hey, I've had|a great run.
I've done exclusives|with Kissinger, the Dalai Lama,
Muhammad Ali...
four sitting presidents...
three of them hit on me.
Five Emmys!
Now I'm being replaced|by a young thing
whose grandmother|loves me.
You know what|I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna finish out|my contract
and I'm gonna leave this show|with my dignity intact.
Okay, coming back|from commercial.
Three, cue announcer.
Today on "Public Intimacy,"
pop singing sensation|Tanya Murphy.
And now we're live|with Viola Fields.
Four, three, two...
Well, that was|very nice.
My goodness, you have a big voice|for such a tiny girl.
You're gonna miss|Viola Fields.
Have you always|been a singer?
Ever since I was|a child.
I would sing|in school plays, choirs.
- How old are you?|- I'll be 17 next month.
W-what do you do for fun?
I love watching|really old movies.
- They're my favorite.|- Really? Really, which ones?
Well, "Grease"|and "Grease II."
Um, "Benji."|I love "Benji."
"Free Willy," um...
"Legally Blonde,"
"The Little Mermaid."
- Oh.|- Yeah... oh, I know.
You ever read|a newspaper?
Newspaper?
Viola, the girl|has stars on her nipples.
I don't have|much time for that.
So basically, you have absolutely|no idea what's going on in the world?
- Oh, l...|- And yet, you've sold
over five million albums... CDs,|to millions of kids
- who listen to your insipid lyrics.|- What is she doing?
"You want to know me,|look in my makeup bag."
You're influencing|an entire generation of kids
who won't know how|to think straight,
or vote for a president,
or remember the significance|of Roe versus Wade.
Oh! I don't support|boxing as a sport.
I think|it's too violent.
Y'all better get that|little girl out of there.
- Holy crap!|- Get us off the air!
- Quick!|- Go to commercial! Go to commercial!
Crazy bitch!|Get off me!
- Cut! Cut! Put in the Bow Flex tape!|- Get her off!
Juice Man, something!
Oh, I don't support|boxing as a sport.
I think|it's too violent.
Oh.
I wanted you to take one last look|at the old Viola.
Oh, thank God|I've changed.
Yes.
Well, just remember
the breakdown was|only a few months ago
so take it nice|and slow out there.
No stress.
Absolutely.
In fact, I'm going|to take a vacation.
I've been promising my son|we'd go to Africa
since he was a little boy.
And I finally have|the time.
That's wonderful.
Not to worry,
I'm in complete control.
Ruby! Ruby,|my dear old friend.
Oh, I'm so happy|to see you.
Well, good,|they still have you medicated.
Ruby, I figured it out.
- Life, I mean.|- Oh, this ought to be good.
It's not about how many celebrities|I interview or what my ratings are.
- It's about relationships and family.|- Oh!
Me and my son.
Oh, I just spoke to Kevin.
- Did you get the tickets?|- Sure did. Right here.
He's going|to be so surprised.
Yeah, the three of you|should have a good time.
- Three?|- Yeah, uh, you, Kevin
- and his new girlfriend.|- New girlfriend?
That's a lovely surprise.
Is it?
Well, I mean,|it can't be too serious.
I've only been away|a few months.
Well, that's|the end of it.
Where do you want me|to put this?
Oh, under the bed.
Uh, you sure you don't want me|to put it by the door so you can
make a quick escape to the apartment you|still have for some reason?
Now come on. You agreed to me|subletting my apartment.
I would have agreed to anything|to get you to move in here.
Oh, these are great.|Are they new?
Oh, no!|You can't look at those!
- 'Cause they're not finished yet.|- Oh, sorry.
- Okay? Please?|- Okay.
Here, I'll put them back.
I forgot to tell you, we're having lunch|with my mom tomorrow.
Oh!
It'll be fine.|I promise.
You want|to take a shower?
Hmm.
Yeah! Okay!
# It's just a ride,|it's just a ride #
# No need to run,|no need to hide #
# It'll take you|round and round. #
All right, so tell me|about your dad.
Well, he died|when I was two.
But that was just|her first husband.
At the time she was|a freelance journalist
and then she married this guy|who was a network exec
and got her her first|on-air break,
but divorced him|for Alec Wrigley.
Wait, the actor?|I thought he was...
Oh, he was.|It lasted about two years
till she threw him out for sleeping|with her second husband.
Wait, how many times|has she been married?
- Well, four.|- Wow.
But, you know, her career|was always the main thing.
She just lived for it.|Well, her career and me, of course.
And, basically,|now I'm all she's got.
Here we are.
Oh, no.
Oh, playing dress-up,|are we?
- Shut up. Is that the Dalai Lama?|- Yeah.
- Oh my God, That can't be real.|- It is.
Did you know|all these people?
- Some of them.|- Kevin!
- Look at you, all handsome.|- Ruby!
Good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
Now, forget about|my mother.
This is the woman you need|to get through. Charlie, this is Ruby.
- Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.|- Oh, the pleasure's mine.
Uh, excuse us.|I've got to talk to him about a rash.
You're bringing a girl home|to meet your mother now?
Yeah, Ruby, I am.
The women is fresh off|the funny farm.
I mean, why don't you|come back, let's say... next spring?
Oh, the trees|will be blooming.
- It'll be so beautiful. She'll love it.|- How is she?
She's good.|The first thing she did
when she got home was make me|lock up all the booze.
It's Oprah!
Oprah!
Yeah, Oprah.
There's one in there|with the cast from "Good Times" too.
So how big is this place?
About four acres.|There's a tennis court,
two swimming pools,|indoor and outdoor... it's kind of crazy.
What?|No helicopter pad?
Oh, no.|There's one out back.
I'm kidding.
Kevin!
Oh, I've missed you|so much!
I promise I'll never|leave you again.
Oh my God, Mom.|Look at you. You look fantastic.
- It's just something I threw together.|- Come here.
- What?|- I want to introduce you to someone.
- Charlie. Mom.|- Kevin.
Charlie, this is Mom.
Mom, Charlie.
Oh, hi.
Oh, I'd love to just be able|to think of it and make it.
I must have spent|the last 30 years
looking for the perfect|little black...
- Cocktail dress.|...cocktail dress. Yes.
I know.
Well, it doesn't matter. You could|wear anything with your figure.
- I mean, you look amazing.|- Oh, honey, thanks.
Listen, when you're my age,|if ain't broke, you fix it before it is.
Why the question mark?
Oh, 'cause|I just don't know.
I love your jewelry.
- Oh, yes. Yes, thank you.|- I love that.
- I like it... the earth tones.|- It's fantastic.
- Where did you get this from?|- My first husband.
That's Kevin's father. He gave it to me|when we were in Peru.
- It's very earthy.|- It's like the dress,
very earthy.
I just think it's wonderful|that you've tried so many temp jobs.
Think of all|the experiences you have.
You've been|so quiet, Kevin.
Oh, well, it's kind of hard to get|a word in edgewise with you two.
Oh, is he great,|or what?
I tell you too,|that's a little scary.
Enjoy it while you can.
Here you go,|some more coffee.
Actually, I was a little nervous|about the two of you meeting.
- Really?|- Why?
Well, 'cause it's|important to me.
Mom, you're the most|amazing woman I've ever known.
And, Charlie,|I've never met anyone like you.
You're real,|you're honest.
And although we've only|known each other a few months,
I-I feel like|I've known you forever.
I guess what I'm|trying to say here...
is what are you doing|for the rest of your life?
What?
Oh my God!
Charlie, will you|marry me?
It's...|it's too sudden.
- She's in shock.|- No!
- I mean, I am, but...|- Yes!
Seriously?
Seriously.
No no. Say "no."
Yes. Yes!
Yeah!
Oh, gee... oh!
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
- Congratulations!|- Oh my God. I can't believe this.
I am so happy for you.
Congratulations!|I'm so pleased
that you're going to be|my daughter-in-law.
Oh, congratulations.
- I can't believe this.|- I'm so happy for you.
- Thank you!|- You're going to need a moment alone.
- Excuse me, I'll be right back.|- Okay.
Oh!
Shit!
Medicine.
Let's see.
No.
What's... ah!
- You are so crazy! Oh my God!|- I almost forgot.
I've been carrying this around for two|weeks waiting for the perfect moment.
I can't believe this|turned out to be it.
- Kevin.|- Try it on.
It is the perfect moment.
Maybe you should go|check on your mom.
Oh, she's fine. She's probably|calling all of our relatives.
Oh, Holy Spirit...
surround me with light.
Please rid me|of my negative karma
and my wickedness.
Please help me be|a better person.
I could just kill|that dog-walking slut!
Of course.
She's pregnant.
So, goodness.|That was a lot to take in at teatime.
- Oh, you're telling me.|- I had no idea
that you guys|were so serious.
Kevin, you never|mentioned anything.
- Mom.|- Here's what I want to say.
It's wonderful|being in love.
But I don't think marriage is|the best solution to a thing like this.
Well, you know nowadays|a girl has so many alternatives
to getting married...|there's adoption, abortion,
- lesbianism... Hmm?|- Whoa, Mom!
- What are you talking about?|- Well, I mean, it's so sudden
I have to assume|there's a pressing reason.
Oh oh, no.
Charlie's not pregnant.
Call me old-fashioned,
marriage is a sacred union
that should only be entered into|with the utmost care.
Weren't you married|four times?
Yes, dear.
Which would make me an expert,|don't you think?
Excuse me.
It's the hospital.|I'll be right back.
Okay.
You want me to go|with you?
No, stay right there.
You know, this is as sudden|for me as it is for you.
It's too sudden, right?
You think?
Yeah.
Really?
I mean, what's the rush?|It's not like the old days
where you had to get married|and have kids,
and have it all figured out|by the time you were 21.
- Exactly.|- We have options now.
And I've always liked|having my options, you know?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.|Yeah.
This is so... big.
What am I...|what am I doing?
I love Kevin.
I want to spend the rest|of my life with him.
Oh my God!|I'm getting married!
Ruby!
Ruby, I need a bottle of champagne.|We're going to celebrate.
May I have the key|to the liquor cabinet please?
What key?
The key, Ruby.
Key?|There's no key.
Ruby, give me the key.
You want to take this|outside?
Bring me the key.
And fix your hair.
You look like|a damned cockatoo.
She is such|a fabulous assistant.
Hey, do you think|your mother liked me?
Of course. Why?
I don't know, because she called me|a pregnant lesbian?
I'm sure she meant that|as a compliment.
Trust me.|She loved you.
Oh, they're gone?
I'll just put this baby|back to bed, okay?
My son|the brilliant surgeon
is gonna marry a temp.
Gonna need something|stronger than this.
Where's that martini?
Hooch will not solve|your problems.
She's going to destroy him.
It is so clear.
She's got no money,|no career goals.
She was just waiting|for a rich innocent
to step right|in her path.
Oh, Kevin's|smarter than that.
Come on,|you raised him well.
He's a good boy.
But he's a man.|That's the problem.
The only time they think straight|is when they have an erection,
and it's usually pointed|right at the trampiest woman.
You talking about|her or you?
Look, there's nothing|you can do.
Just let it go.
You know what you need?|A project.
Or another husband.
You know, why don't you|marry another gay guy?
That was fun.
You know, you're right.
I do need a project.
And I have|the perfect one.
I am going|to save my son.
Here.
- What?|- You go use those old contacts of yours
to get all the information you can|about that little pimp.
And exactly what do you|expect to find?
Everybody's got|a past, honey.
Find something.
And I'm going to open up|the Montecito house
and get a party planner.
I'm going to give them|an engagement party.
And then what?|Lock her in the basement?
When he sees how out of place|she is in his world,
it's gonna be over.
This will end badly.
Get me another one|of those.
# Ooh-ohh #
# I just want to|get down with you #
# Eh! #
# I just want|to get close to you #
# Ooh-ohh #
# I just need to go|farther... #
Is it me, or is each house|you take me to bigger than the last?
But I thought your mom|said this was a barbecue.
Oh my God. It looks like she's invited|everyone I've ever known.
And they're all|in black tie.
Oh, there's my mom.|Mom!
Darlings!|How was the trip?
- Welcome.|- I'm sorry.
- I didn't know this was a formal party.|- Well, that's because
I have something for you.|I bought you a new dress.
Oh, see?|There's a dress upstairs.
- Thank you.|- Besides, you look great in anything.
Exactly. You always look|so clean and shiny.
Oh, Kevin, your tuxedo|is upstairs in your room.
But first I want you to meet|some friends. Come.
- Prince Amir.|- Can I change first?
- This is Sarah. Kevin.|- You know Kevin.
And this is Charlie.|She's a temp.
Charlie, this is the man that introduced the|euro to the global market.
- Mr. Prime Minister.|- Viola.
Oh, Marie. You know my son,|but this is Charlie.
- Very good to meet you.|- So nice to meet you.
- She's a temp.|- Yeah.
I worked in a bank once.
Oh, look! There's|the Poet Laureate and...
oh, Charlie, first I want you to meet|the Secretary of Commerce.
Viola, please let me|change first.
I don't want to meet her|in my flip-flops.
Of course, of course. Ruby, would|you show Charlie to the guest room?
- Come on, Charlie.|- Thank you. Thank you.
Wow!
Oh my...
it's vintage.
Oh, Fiona.
- You look stunning.|- Thank you. So do you.
My goodness.
Kevin just went up|to his old room.
- Why don't you go say hello to him?|- I'd love to.
Good girl.
Fiona, what are you doing here?|I'm dressing.
Why don't you let me give you|a hand with that?
Give it up, Fiona.
You know, you and I had|a very strong bond once.
No, you and I had|very strong drinks once.
That's not true.
Kiss me. I'll remind you|how good it was.
What are you doing?
I'm engaged.|I'm happy.
It's gonna fit!
Why did she get me|such a small dress?
I have two asses.
It'll fit.|There we go.
Okay.
Okay! Okay!
What is it about her|that's so special?
I don't know but I plan on spending|the rest of my life finding out.
Kevin!
God! Men in love|are really hot.
Fiona!
Oops! Um...
I was just giving Kevin|a congratulatory kiss.
Don't, uh, worry.
Why would I worry?|He's gay, right?
Charlie!
Charlie, that was not|what it looked like.
I'm going home.
I've destroyed|priceless couture.
I embarrassed myself|in front of 70% of the world's royalty.
Oh! I forgot, yeah!
I just caught you making out|with your ex-girlfriend.
Charlie, let me explain.
Ugh!|It doesn't matter.
I can't do this.
I don't belong here,|Kevin.
And if I don't belong here|then maybe we don't...
Hey hey hey.|Listen to me.
It's you and me now.
This isn't my world anymore.
You're my world.
Okay?
Now let's get the hell out of here.|I'm taking you home.
Okay.
Um...
Let me try and get out|of this dress and then...
Okay, see you|downstairs.
# There's a million miles|to go #
# Till our happiness lives #
# There's a million miles|to go #
# Till our happiness lives. #
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's great.
I'm so glad you|finally decided to do it.
I don't know. I just woke up today|and it just felt like home.
I'm gonna do|all three walls.
You know, I think it's time|to take a break.
Oh, wait!
- Wait a minute.|- Whoo whoo whoo!
I can't let it dry|too much.
Oh God!
Are we getting out of bed|today, "Camille"?
What for?
I could die|and nobody would care.
I would.
You promised me|a face-lift.
Sit down, Ruby.|Sit with me, hold my hand.
Have you got anything|on the girl yet?
Nothing. Nada.
No criminal record.|No debt.
Good grades. Went to design school.|And then a string of odd jobs.
Isn't that exactly what|somebody with a past does?
What about drugs?|What about promiscuity?
She's had fewer lovers|in her entire life
than you did|at closing day of Woodstock.
Well, find something.
Well, I guess if I had|a hair sample maybe I could take it
- to my little crime lab and...|- Perfect.
I'll get to work on it.
Listen to me.|There is nothing.
Has it ever occurred to you|that maybe she's a good girl?
Oh, don't joke.
I would like to speak to that woman|who got back from the loony bin.
Is she around?
Because you are taking me|for a spin in the crazy mobile.
Ruby, Ruby.
Everybody knows that when|a woman marries a man
she marries his mother|too, right?
What if I drive her crazy?
Okay, now you're|foaming at the mouth.
Oh!
Charlie and Kevin's house.
Oh, I forgot you live there.
I didn't realize that you|had already moved in.
Kevin, stop it. I'm on the phone|with your mother! I'm sorry, Viola.
The slut's practically|fornicating with him!
- Stop it!|- I don't blame her.
That boy's a fine piece of ass.
Hold on, Viola.|He's... stop it! Right here.
Actually, Charlie,|the reason I'm calling
is I wondered if you'd|like to have lunch next week.
- Really?|- How would Tuesday work for you?
Yeah,|Tuesday's perfect!
Listen, Viola, I'm kind of in the middle|of something right now,
um, but Tuesday's fine.
Yeah, me too.
- Lots to do!|- Okay, bye!
Oh.
I'll go get the vodka.
It's good to see you.
There she is.
Charlotte.
Hi. I'm going to have|the garden salad
and the low-cal Chinese dressing|and a decaf iced tea.
- And you, miss?|- Oh, um, I'll just have a...
cheeseburger|with fries and a soda.
- All right.|- Okay.
You continue|to surprise me.
Aren't you worried about fitting|in your wedding dress?
Well, I mean, I'm making the dress|to fit my body,
not the other way|around.
Whoa. I wish I had been|that confident when I got married.
I'll tell you one thing|you're gonna have that I never did,
a stupendous wedding.
And it's important that we|book the church right away.
I always thought|that Kevin looked like Jesus
in the cathedral down|on Second Street. Mmm.
Actually, we were thinking|of having...
a non-denominational|service,
being that I'm more spiritual|than religious.
Oh.
What about my place then?
That way we don't even|need to book a location.
And Kevin was born there|and grew up there.
Oh, it would mean|so much to him. I'll plan it all.
We'll have that marvelous band|that the Swansons' had at their wedding.
And a divine cake.|Oh, honey!
No no no!|Tsk tsk tsk!
Chewing,|it's a disgusting habit.
Oh, hold still.|I've gotta... gotta...
- There! Got it!|- Ow!
Thanks, um...
What do you think|about peach?
- Oh, um, excuse me.|- Yes?
Can I get another salad|without the nuts?
- I have allergies.|- Okay.
I'm allergic to nuts,|and eggs, and shellfish,
and blueberries.|Oh... and soy.
It's amazing you've been able|to nourish yourself all these years.
Oh, yeah!|The cake!
I'm thinking traditional vanilla|with strawberry drizzle.
Look, Viola, I really do|have all of this under control.
I made this for you.
It's your wedding planner book.|Peach.
Oh.
Is that a picture|of me and Kevin?
Oh, and... present time|from your new mama!
Thanks.
Wow!
It's big! You can see|the thorns on the roses.
You'll wear it on your wedding day,|just like I did.
Of course I was|a virgin when I wed.
But we'll just pretend|with you.
Now, about the wedding...
the two of you are going to arrive|in a horse and carriage.
And the driver's top-hat|will match the horse's saddles,
and the ribbons|on the doves
that will be released|at the exact moment
of "I do," hmm?
And I've been in touch|with your bridesmaids.
How do you know|their names?
Well, Kevin told me.|And I think for the honeymoon
St. Bart's is the absolute|best place for you to go
- 'cause Kevin adores it.|- Hey, just hold on!
Just wait|a minute, okay?
No.
Thank you, but no.
Thank you,|but no to everything.
No to the horse|and buggy.
No to the top-hats,|and to the doves and geese
and any other farm animals|you're thinking of using that day.
And definitely no to you|planning our honeymoon.
- What?|- Oh no.
I can... oh!
- Oh oh!|- What's wrong?
- "Oh no" what?|- My pills, my pills!
Okay.|Well, let me help you.
- Oh!|- Viola!
- Oh, no!|- Wait, Viola!
Viola!
Viola!
Oh my God, Viola.|Oh my God!
- Give her some room.|- Help!
- Give her some air.|- My God, is she dead?
- No!|- Get her some help.
It couldn't be|that easy.
She's had|an anxiety attack,
which can feel like|a heart attack.
She's gonna be okay.
But she definitely needs|to take it easy. No stress.
She said that you were|yelling at her,
that you refused her gift|and said she couldn't plan our wedding.
Tell me that's|not true.
Well, technically...
yes.
But, hold on.|I didn't yell at her.
And she just kept pushing|and pushing and pushing.
And, okay, I admit it.|I snapped a little bit. But...
What was I supposed to do?|She wouldn't take no for an answer.
Come on, look, you know|what a hard time she's been having.
- So she's a little difficult.|- Difficult?
A two-year-old|is difficult.
- She's like... ah!|- Come on, she's all alone.
I'm all she's got...|we're all she's got.
Come on.
Excuse me.
I'm Dr. Chamberlain,|the psychiatrist in residence.
- Are you Mrs. Fields's son?|- Yes.
- May we speak in private?|- Actually, this is my fiance.
We can talk.|Um, is she okay?
Well, I just completed your mother's|interview and I'm concerned.
It's possible that she's on the verge|of a psychotic break.
I should probably see her|at least twice a week, minimum.
Also, I prescribed her|some anti-anxiety medication.
If she starts to feel|overwhelmed, they'll relax her.
Does she live alone?
Uh, yeah.
Well, I feel|it would be best
if she were cared for|by relatives...
people that are closest|to her during this time.
Just until we're confident|that she's out of danger.
All right.|Well, thank you, Doctor.
Oh, God.
I've got that|medical conference.
What am I gonna do?
You know what?|Don't... don't worry about it.
Um, I'll take care of her.
Thank you.
- Come on.|- What?
- No, come with me.|- No no, the doctor said no stress.
- Charlie, come on. Enough already.|- I'll stay here. Kevin!
Come on.
I am so sorry.
No, Mom, don't be.|It's okay, really.
Charlie?
I'm sorry too, Viola.
No, I was too pushy.
No.
You weren't.|Look, Viola...
I would love it if you would|help me with the wedding.
It's all right,|sweetheart, l...
I don't really think|I'm up to it.
My nerves are shot.
Mom...
Mom, Charlie and I think|you should live with us for a while,
until you feel better.
Are you sure?
Oh!
Oh, I can't possibly.
- I couldn't.|- Mom, it's okay. Relax.
I couldn't possibly.
Not unless I know|Charlotte's forgiven me.
Will you?
Me?
Yeah, I forgive you.
You just put those|anywhere.
- Hi!|- Hi.
- Are you feeling better?|- I'm much better, thank you.
- Great.|- Sweetheart, I'm kind of thirsty.
- Would you... is the kitchen over there?|- Yeah, sure.
- Great. Goodbye.|- Okay.
- Hey, Charlie.|- Are you moving in, too?
No, I don't like|the neighborhood.
Look, do you have any|firearms in the house?
- No.|- You might want to get one.
When will you be back?
Soon as I can, honey.|I promise.
Are you sure|you're gonna be okay?
Yeah. I mean, hey,|it's only at night, right?
And, I mean, she's gonna|sleep most of the time
with those pills|the doctor gave her. Right?
Look, I know my mom can be|a little challenging.
So if you have any|problems just call me.
I'm on the first flight back,|I promise.
Okay.|Well, hurry home.
And who knows?|By the time I get back,
maybe you two|will be best friends.
Oh, am I interrupting|something?
- Uh, no, Mom, come in.|- The caterer called.
He still thinks|I'm doing the wedding.
He sent over a sample plate|'cause I gave him the colors you wanted.
I said absolutely no peach.
And from now on, everything|goes through my new daughter.
- Thank you.|- Yeah?
Okay, I'll be|right down, thanks.
- Oh, here. Look.|- Oh, it's beautiful, Viola.
- Thank you.|- Oh, I'm glad you like it.
- Thanks.|- My car's here. Gotta go.
- Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom.|- Okay.
Oh, bye, sweetie.|Oh, it's gonna be fun.
- We're gonna have such a good time.|- I love you.
- I'll be a good roommate. I promise.|- Okay.
Ohh!
It's so nice|to have a girlfriend.
Yeah, huh?
Viola?
- Are you all right?|- I can't sleep.
I feel so alone.
I do.
You're not alone.|I'm here.
Did you take|your pills?
My pills?|Oh no, I forgot.
Could you get them|for me, sweetie?
They're on the sink.
Sure.
Here they are.
- Thank you.|- You're welcome.
Oh, I don't have any water.|Could you get me some water please?
Okay.
Oh, I can't drink out|of the tap.
Would you get me some Evian...|with ice?
Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
You have a good night,|okay?
Charlotte?
I hate to ask you this,
but it's my|first night here.
Could you stay with me?
Please?
Sleep with me.|Be a good girl.
Huh? No no no!
No no, don't!
God! Viola!
- Are you okay?|- No, let go of me, you!
No.
Huh? Oh!
Okay. Okay.
Hi, how was your day?
It was... okay.
Wonderful!
You're cooking.
I wanted to make you|dinner all by myself.
- Sit.|- Okay.
It's steak|and kidney pie.
Actually, the steak didn't defrost|in time so it's mostly kidney.
Mmm!
- Do you like it?|- Mm-hm!
I made a decision today.
I called my lawyer|and I asked him to redo my will.
I want to include|my new daughter.
Really, Viola,|that's not necessary.
Oh, don't be silly.|I want to.
Of course they have all these|stupid questions that they want to ask.
You know, like, "Are you|currently an illegal alien?"
Oh, uh, no.
Oh, that's interesting.|Okay.
Um, are there any hereditary illnesses|in your family?
You know, the kind that could be|passed on to grandchildren?
- Uh, no.|- No.
How many men have you been|sexually active with?
What? Why would they|want to know that?
That many, huh?
Would you be willing to sign|a prenuptial agreement?
- Excuse me?|- I know.
They're such nosy bastards.|It's none of their business.
Let's just deal|with this later.
No, why don't we deal|with it right now?
I'll tell you what,|I'll clean up the kitchen
and you continue|enjoying your dinner.
No no no.
You did all the cooking.|I'll clean up.
- Are you sure?|- Yeah.
I am kind of tired.|Thanks.
Well, I'll just|go up to bed then.
I had kind of a difficult|night last night.
You had a difficult night?
He's skidding|out of control.
This bus is out of control.
Is somebody there?
Tina.
Tina.
Who the hell is that?
Oh.
What?|Oh my God.
- I thought you were sleeping.|- Well, I couldn't sleep.
Hmm? What do you think|of my outfit?
This is a ceremonial robe|given to me by Chairman Mao.
These go with the robe.
This was a birthday gift|from the Dalai Lama.
He never forgot|my birthday.
Of course now|he doesn't care anymore.
- Do you mind if I sit with you?|- No.
- Just for a little while.|- Okay.
Why is she running?
Well, someone's|chasing her.
Why is he chasing her?
I'm not sure.
Well, who is he?
I don't know.|We have to watch.
- You have to stop talking.|- Mm.
Don't you hate|what she's wearing?
Running out there|with bare feet and, what is that,
a pajama top?|It's so unrealistic.
I once did a whole segment|on nighttime television.
You would not believe
how much the demographics|influence the networks.
I mean it's just ridiculous.|All they care about is the bottom line.
Oh, it's so nice just to sit|with family and do nothing, huh?
Don't even need to talk.|It's wonderful.
I miss so much|being a working mom.
I used to bring Kevin,|though, to the set.
That's where he met|Gore Vidal and Jackie Chan.
Is there anybody famous|in this movie?
Because I don't know|any of them.
And they all look|the same... all the girls
have the same body,|all the boys have the same hair.
...so many beautiful people|who live in Los Angeles?
I think all the beautiful genes|ended up in California.
Why is he kissing her?|It's beyond me.
I'm sorry. I thought|it was air freshener.
- Charlie?|- Dr. Batel's office.
Miss Reynolds?
Hi.
Yeah.
Nope. Okay.
Bye.
Oh God. I-I'm sorry.
You know what?|That's probably my fault.
I mean,|I never thought she'd...
I mean, she's a little|eccentric, you know?
- I'm sorry.|- Well, It doesn't matter.
I don't want to talk about your mom|tonight. I want to talk about us.
- I miss you.|- I miss you too.
Especially now|when I'm in the tub...
naked and wet...
and naked.
Really?
Well, do you know what I would do|to you if I was there?
- What?|- Well, for starters...
Charlie!
- I'm not looking. I'm not looking.|- Hello?
- I just wanted to return your shampoo.|- Your mom just walked in.
You really should use a shampoo|that doesn't dry your hair so much.
We don't want a bride|with straw under her veil.
- Oh, is that Kevin?|- Yeah, it is.
- Honey, your mom wants to talk to you.|- Sweetie, hi.
- Hi, Mom.|- Honey, I can't thank you both enough.
- Of course.|- I'm having the most wonderful time.
- How's Charlie?|- Oh, she's been a doll.
We've been girlfriends|all week.
- Great.|- I'm gonna be sad to go home.
You do? Well, you never know|what the future's gonna bring right?
I mean, I do love|this neighborhood.
In fact, you know,|two doors down,
there's this house|for sale.
It's got two|big bay windows
and a great rose garden.
You know how|I love rose gardens.
And basically,|it's got my name all over it.
I'm having my...|my... um...
real estate guy|look into it.
She's buying a house here?
Two doors away.
"Lovely property.|Beautiful bay windows."
It's bullshit!
She doesn't even like|this neighborhood.
Oh God, I'm so exhausted.
She's driving me insane!
- I can't do this.|- Yes, you can!
Stop being|such a big baby.
Kevin is the best thing|that ever happened to you.
Charlie, do not|give up on this one.
It seems Mommy Dearest|has been keeping
a very close eye on you,|sweetie.
What are you talking about?|What are you doing in her clothes?
I was just upstairs in her room|minding my own business.
And I found all of this|in her closet.
She's been|investigating you.
Whoa.
Why does she have|your high school transcripts?
I know.
There's a picture of me|at the beach?!
- Yes, it is.|- I can't believe that.
There's another picture|of you in here.
And it's... look.
Look at that.|It's like a closeup.
But you have to be close|to take that, right?
Look at all this Gucci!
It's just|Gucci Gucci Gucci!
She has skin caviar.|This stuff sells for $400 a jar.
- I've heard of that. I want a try.|- Here.
- Mm.|- Doesn't that smell good?
Ooh, hello.
What are these?
Those are|just her anti-anxiety pills.
- Ooh, these are good.|- Really?
They'd knock out a horse.|I have these at home.
- You do?|- Wait
I don't know what these are.|But they're definitely not what I take.
They smell like|oranges or something.
- Are you sure?|- Yeah.
Let me see.
Hi, Andy.|It's Charlie.
Now, I'm not working|for Dr. Batel's office this week.
But I had a question.|Yeah, about some pills.
Can I stop by?
Charlie, I'm having|a bit of a bad day,
so Ruby's gonna take me|to see Dr. Chamberlain.
Okay!|You take care!
Let's see|what you're up to.
- There you go.|- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- And thank you.|- Wear that, sister.
Okay, now Cartier|is one right down.
- Where's Niketown?|- What?
- Niketown.|- Niketown?
Bad day, my ass.
Wait a minute.
Dr. Chamberlain?
All right.
Hello?
Hey, Andy.
What are they?
Chewable vitamin Cs, huh?
Okay, thanks.
I know. I can't believe|the wedding's only a week away.
No, we do the final|walk-through on Monday.
Oh! Wait a minute.|I think I hear her car.
Drop my stuff|at my house, okay?
All right.|Look crazy.
Charlie!
Ch-ch-ch...
Ch-ch-ahh...|Charlie!
Oh, I had to bring him|home with me today.
He's harmless.
Sit. No!
No. No.
No, Zorro! Sit!
Is that expensive?
It was.
Sorry!
Oh!
Charlie!
Bonus.
Good boy.|Come on.
Come on.
Mmm.
Hello, old friend.
Viola!
You can't mix alcohol|with your pills!
I'm a little upset
as you can imagine.
Well, I know that
and I'm sorry,|but your doctor said
if you're feeling upset
that you should take|your pills, not alcohol.
So you relax.|I'll get them.
Shit.
Here we go.
This will make|you feel better.
Drink up.
Now I hope you like|what I made.
It's one of my mother's|specialties.
- What's that?|- Tripe.
It's a delicacy.
Try it.
It's like nothing|you've ever tasted.
Trust me.
So Kevin called.
He's coming home tomorrow.|I can't wait.
I'm so excited.|I miss him so much.
I was thinking maybe the three of us|could go to lunch tomorrow.
What do you think?
Yeah, I think it's|a great idea too.
I'll make reservations.
It'll be so much fun.
Don't you just love|being girlfriends?
Night-night,|sleep tight.
And good morning|to you too.
- Ruby, is that you?|- In here!
Oh my God.|Is she all right?
I thought she went|to bed.
I don't know.|I haven't seen her like this
since "The View"|won an Emmy.
I wish I could stay|and help
but I've got to go|pick up Kevin at the airport.
What?
I underestimated you.
You don't need a gun.
I don't know|what you're talking about.
Mm-hm.
Last call!
We'll see you|tomorrow night.
Uh, there's a reservation|under Fields, Kevin.
Yes, right this way.
I'm so glad my mom and you|had a great week.
We did. I learned|a lot about her.
So who's|the mystery guest?
Oh, surprise!
I thought your office|said we were having lunch alone.
Well, I hope you guys|forgive me. I just...
I wanted to talk|to you and Kevin together.
So how are you, Mom?
Fine.
Though I did have|a rather difficult night.
Ooh, it was probably|that martini you had.
Mom, you're not supposed|to be drink alcohol
with those pills|you're taking.
You know, the truth is
I owe you an apology.
You know, I was so insensitive|to your feelings
about wanting to help|with the wedding.
Oh, it's ancient history.
A young bride doesn't want to hear|the opinions of an old widow.
No no,|that is not true.
I mean, you're going|to be my mom soon.
And a grandma shortly|after, hopefully.
And I want you to know|that I will do anything it takes
to make this|relationship work.
That said...
will you be my maid...
I mean, my matron|of honor?
Charlie, that's...|that's amazing.
- Mom, what do you say?|- But, uh...
Morgan is gonna be|your maid of honor.
Oh no, she has graciously|relinquished her title to you.
And I had this|specially made up.
A dress in your|favorite color... peach.
- Come on, open it.|- Well, that's...
Char... ah.
I-I don't think I can.
Mom, I think|it's a great idea.
I just don't think|I'm up to it.
I really don't. I've got|to talk to my doctor.
Oh, I called him.|Yeah!
And he said he thought|it was a great idea.
- You called my psychiatrist?|- Mm-hmm.
In fact, we had lunch|at The lvy.
Well, anyway...
he said, considering|this turning point in your life,
you know, losing|so much so suddenly,
that being involved|in the future
would be the best therapy|in the world for you right now.
Careful. You know|those are strong.
You know, we...|are your future.
And we want you|to be part of it.
I can have a list of duties|for you tomorrow.
No.
M-mom... no, Mom.
Mom, don't cry.
Here.
Charlie.
I didn't think|I would be this emotional.
Mom, here.|Can I?
Oh, oh!
Oh, thank you, baby.|I love you.
- I love you too.|- I love you too!
I love you too, Mom.
Kevin, you know what? Why don't you|give your mom and I a moment alone?
Yes, of course.
Just so you know,|the crying bits are getting old.
Just so you know,|Kevin likes his girls thin.
Oh! Well,|I can always get liposuction.
I've been meaning to ask.|Is it painful?
That maid of honor bit.
Priceless!
You know what they say? Keep your|friends close, keep your enemies closer.
- Oh!|- Now you listen to me.
This is my game now.
You are going to tell Kevin that you|are not moving into our neighborhood,
and that you've decided|that you're feeling like it's time
that you go on|with your own life!
You're moving out|of our house immediately.
This is over!
Oh!
This isn't over,|not even close, girlie!
Well, bring it on,|Grandma.
That little bitch!
Let's go someplace near|the ocean and drink lunch.
What?
You know exactly what.
Move!
Move! Move!
What's wrong with you?
I am sick.|I am sick sick sick of your shit.
And I when I'm not sick,|I'm tired.
I am sick and tired.
What are you saying?
Damn you|and your luggage!
Ruby, you're not going|to leave me too, are you?
No, I'm not leaving you!
You old slut!
Ruby!
- Ruby, please...|- Hey, you almost forgot your dress!
You'll have nothing|to wear to the wedding.
See you, Ruby!
Maybe we can get you|a matching bonnet.
See you|at the rehearsal dinner!
Motherf...!
So, how's the bride-to-be|holding up?
Ooh, under the circumstances|I'd say mediocre. But she's tough.
Not as tough|as the old bird.
- What does that mean?|- For your own safety,
make sure you know where|the emergency exits are at all times.
Hey, are you|and my mom okay?
Great. Yeah, I just have a little|of the pre-wedding nerves,
but everything's|under control.
Of course.
Hello, everyone!
Welcome|to the rehearsal dinner.
- My God, she looks amazing.|- I know.
Oh!
Father Tyson.
Hello, Blaire.
Kit, how are you?
Hello, hello.
- Oh, you are Morgan.|- Yes.
I have heard so much about your delicious|catering service.
Oh! Oh, wow!
I have a lot of friends.|You're going to be a busy girl.
- And you're Remy.|- Yeah.
I recognize you from all the wonderful|things Charlie's told me about you.
Wow. Well, Ms. Fields,|I have to say...
- Oh, call me Viola. Please, I insist.|- Viola.
- All right, I'm gonna go get a drink.|- Okay.
I'm such a huge fan.
- Oh, you...|- Oh, l...
Well, mi casa, su casa.|Make yourself at home.
- Thank you. Bye, Viola.|- Cheers.
- Goodbye.|- I like her a lot. Hi.
- Hey!|- Hi!
- You guys have a nice little chit-chat? - Oh|my God. She came over
and started talking to us.|What did you want us to do?
- Ignore her?|- Yes!
So then getting her autograph|would be completely out of the question?
- Was that yes? 'Cause... okay.|- No.
So there I was sitting next|to the Sultan of Brunei
with Maureen Dowd,|Carrie Fisher and Snoop Dogg.
You know the story, Kevin.
I said to Snoop, "Snoop,|I think your lyrics
are sometimes a little|sexist and unfair to women."
And the Sultan of Brunei said,|"Really? I have 114 wives
and they're all|huge fans of the Dogg!"
Honey, would you see|who's at the door?
Sure.
These are delicious, Viola.
Oh, Kit,|I'm glad you like it.
Mm, yeah.
Look who's here.|It's Dr. Chamberlain.
Oh my God!|It's Dr. Chamberlain.
- Hi! Everybody, it's Dr. Chamberlain!|- Hi. Good evening.
- Thanks so much for inviting me.|- Oh, shit!
That's Dr. Chamberlain.|He's Viola's doctor.
Oh, we're going to need|another place setting.
Oh, please,|let me get that.
- There's a chair in the living room.|- Sure.
Scootch down, you guys.|Come on, make room.
You guys move down.
Cheers. Thank you.
Who's he?
It's Viola's therapist.|Move down, you guys!
- Excuse me.|- No problem.
- Here's you chair, Doctor.|- Here. Have mine, too.
Hello.
Hi.
- Hi.|- Hi.
I'll get it.
So you just got here?
- Are you expecting anyone else?|- Huh-uh.
- Hello, everybody!|- Fiona!
I'm so glad to see you.
I just couldn't resist|bringing the happy couple
a little gift.
That's great. I will|get you a place setting.
She's bringing a gift?|I think she is the gift.
What the hell|is she doing here?
- How about some more wine, everyone?|- Yeah!
How much longer do we have to stay?|I have midterms tomorrow.
Shh.
- Oh, I get it.|- No, baby, not now, okay?
It's not the time.
So, Dr. Chamberlain,
tell us about med school.|Where did you do your residency?
Uh, now that's...|that's a long story.
I don't think your guests|want to hear that.
No, we really|want to know.
I think we need|some more gravy.
What is going on?
What are you doing?
I'm behaving.
Viola, no!
You can't!|Charlie's allergic to nuts!
Give it to me!
Viola, you're crazy.
Oh, get up.
Put the gravy down|or I'm telling Kevin.
Yeah!
What's the big deal?|So her face swells up...
swells up a little.|So what?
Swells up a little? Her face'll|blow up like a Macy's Day balloon.
Well, good. It'll match|the other body parts!
Viola, think about|what you're doing.
Come on, the girl's|getting married tomorrow!
Ruby, when did you|lose your edge?
Right after|you lost your mind.
Come on.
All right. Okay.|No nuts.
Come on.
Viola, I think you|dislocated my vagina.
- Where's the...|- Where's the what?
Gravy? More gravy?
Anyone for more gravy?
Oh, I am not|doing time for you!
- Where's the back door?|- Stay cool, Ruby!
Stay cool! This is no time|to lose your nerve.
If I get arrested|I'm gonna sing like a canary.
Maybe she won't|take any gravy.
- That's a lot of gravy.|- Mmm!
This gravy's delicious!
You... you gotta go|stop her!
- Go on, stop her. Go stop her.|- You go, you go, you go.
Why me?|You're the culprit? You go!
- You're my assistant.|- What am I supposed to do?
Go out there and stick my finger|down her throat?
Yeah.
Baby, are you okay?
Kevin, my tongue|feels weird.
I think|something's wrong!
Charlie, are you okay?
- What are we gonna do now?|- Hide the damn nuts!
- Are you all right?|- Get her some water.
Flat or sparkling?
The caterer says he doesn't know how|this could have happened.
Well, I feel like I ate|a loaf of nuts.
I mean, even my tongue|is swollen.
You're marrying|a big, fat, puffy tomato mouth.
It's not that bad, really. Besides,|the swelling's already going down.
- Yeah?|- Hey, Kev.
- Yeah.|- Just coming to check up
on the bride-to-be.|For the love of God...
- Out!|- You see?
I told you it looks terrible.
- I told you.|- Baby, I promise you.
In 24 hours the swelling|will be completely gone.
Give me that!
Door was open.
Oh thank God.
- The Bride of Frankenstein is gone.|- I know.
I was up half|the night worrying.
- You look great.|- I just don't know
- how those nuts got in there.|- Yeah.
Hmm.|Wait.
Hey, do you think|she would...
No!
Come on.
I mean, she's crazy,
but she's not like,|psycho-killer crazy.
Hmm.
No!
Oh, hey, I was wondering.|Could I bring a date
to your wedding?
Of course. My God.|How exciting.
Great. Thanks.|So then, I'll see you later.
But... w-wait!
- Who is he? Tell me!|- Oh, it's...
okay, don't be mad.|It's Dr. Chamberlain.
Actually "Paul."
- Is that his real name?|- That's very funny.
I gotta go get a mani, pedi|and my eyebrows waxed.
But I'll see you in|a couple hours, okay?
- Oh, let me go down with you.|- Okay.
Oh God.
She added|even more ruffles!
Where's your prom date,|senorita?
Oh, wait a minute. This is too|damn good. Where's my camera?
This is just too good.
Will you just get me|out of this right now?
Come here.
- Cheers.|- Hey.
Thanks for coming.
Okay, guys, let's go see|how Charlie's doing.
Ah, yes, please.
Uh-huh.
Oh my God. Those are|so much better than mine.
Don't... touch me!
I got out of that car|the same way I got in it...
without you.|Now where is she?
You here with the bride|or the groom?
I'm here with my mother.
Oh.
She looked a lot older. I...
Well, look|what we have here.
Oh my God.
You look beautiful.|Oh my God.
- Oh my God.|- This is it!
Yeah!
- Oh God, did you talk to the priest?|- I talked to him.
He's just going|to skip right over that whole
- "if anyone should object" part.|- Okay.
You're a vision in white,|sweetie, really.
Knock knock.|Look at you!
And so is your|mother-in-law.
Mm. Mm-mm-mm.
All right.|Everybody out.
Out.|Give the bride a moment.
- No way.|- What?
What is that?
- What?|- Where's your bridesmaid's dress?
Oh, I gave it|to Ruby's daughter.
She works at Hooters.|She was thrilled.
I don't have a daughter?
Oh.
Rude.
Take off that|white dress right now
or I'll take it off|for you.
Don't you tell me|what to do!
You did not|just poke me!
Don't you touch me,|you two-bit tramp!
Oh my God!|Viola, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to...
You don't go and slap somebody|then apologize.
Get some backbone!
God! This is crazy!
Why don't you just|face it?
I'm marrying Kevin today and there's|nothing you can do about it.
You face it! You'll never be|good enough for him!
Didn't stop you|from marrying my son.
- Oh God, no.|- Well, look at you.
All in white.
You are so predictable.
Oh, Gertrude.|I didn't know you were coming.
You didn't?
Wonder why.|Oh, I know.
You didn't send me|an invitation!
I thought you|were dead.
But evil doesn't die|so easily.
I heard you got sacked|and thrown into a loony bin.
- Oh! Oh!|- My congratulations.
Oh my God.
Oh my God!
These hors d'oeuvres|taste like old socks.
Now, I want to get
an up-close look|at the bride.
Holy Toledo!
You are a stunner!
My grandson|is a lucky fellah.
Look, what he did.
He went out and found|himself an exotic Latina!
Would that my son|had been that lucky.
Here we go again.
What? You were|a television weatherwoman
in Dubuque, Montana.
You drove around|in a broken-down minivan
and you drank red wine|from a box!
Classy.
You killed him,|you know?
- What?!|- You killed him.
All the doctors agreed,
my son died|of terminal disappointment!
If anybody killed him,|you did.
You smothered him|to death!
Nobody was ever|good enough for him!
My God, you look old!
Fine.
This woman is going|to drive me insane.
Now, I'd rather not|take all the credit.
You'll get over it.
- Okay, I love you.|- You're kidding.
This is never gonna end, is it?
I mean, that's going|to be me and you in 30 years.
We'll be doing|the exact same thing.
You know what?
I wanted to marry Kevin|because we make each other happy.
But you're never gonna|let that happen.
Are you?
Oh my God.|I can't believe I'm saying this.
You win, Viola.
What do you mean?
The wedding's off.
Bye, Ruby.
I-I cannot believe|she compared me to Gertrude.
I know.|Now that's just wrong.
- Thank you.|- You are far worse.
I don't recall Gertrude|ever trying to poison you.
And I'm pretty sure|she wore black to your wedding.
Black. Yeah, she said|she was in mourning.
Mm-hmm.
I just want my son|to be happy.
Whatever made you|think he wasn't?
Hey, what are you|doing here?
Don't you know it's|bad luck to see the...
Charlie, what's wrong?
What is it?
Are you nervous?
Hey.
- Kevin, I need...|- Charlie,
I need to talk to you.
- Viola, stop it!|- It's the flower girls.
- They're drunk again.|- What?
Yeah, in the toilet.
Not now, Viola, okay?
It's really important.
Just give us a minute.|She'll be right there.
Please?
Charlie, what is it?
I'll be right back.
What do you want, Viola?
I don't want you|to walk out on this wedding.
You don't?
No, I don't.
What, am I supposed to believe|that you've had some epiphany?
That all of the sudden,|everything is going to be different?
It's never been|about you, Charlie.
It's me.
I've been so afraid|of losing him.
He's the only family|I've got.
This is my chance|for a family, too.
- And I'm scared.|- Oh!
Don't blow your chance|for happiness.
You've never needed|my approval.
He's loved you|from the very beginning.
And I promise I will|get out of the way
and let the two of you|be happy.
That's not what I want.
I mean, there just has|to be some boundaries, Viola.
I can do boundaries!
I don't love boundaries|but I can do them.
How about the number of times|you call Kevin a day?
Can we limit that|to, like, one?
Oh, I need at least|four minimum.
- He's 35 years old.|- Three?
- Two.|- Deal.
Two long-ass calls!
When Kevin and I|have kids,
he and I will decide|how they're raised.
All right. But you know I have|raised one wonderful boy.
- And my advice could be very...|- Will be solicited when needed.
All right, as long as one kid|is named after me.
- Middle name.|- Deal.
What else?
Holidays|and special occasions.
Are you gonna keep|me away?
You must be present|for every Christmas,
Thanksgiving,|birthday,
school play,|clarinet recital
and soccer game|in our kids' lives.
I want you to love them|and spoil them
and teach them things|that Kevin and I can't.
Like how to throw|a right hook for example.
I want you there, Viola.
I do, up front and center.
From this point|I will not negotiate.
Damn. That girl can give|a nice little speech.
Deal?
Oh...
can they call me "Aunt Viola"|instead of "Grandma"?
Fine.
Come on, unzip me.
Viola, you don't|have to wear that dress, really.
Yes, I do. Really.
Go, Kevin and Charlie!
Yeah!
Mom!
Do you really think I would leave without|saying goodbye?
I love you, Mom.
- Thanks for everything.|- Go.
Bye, you guys!
Okay, everybody gather around|the back of the car!
Charlie!
Charlie, right here!|Right here, Charlie!
Sheesh.
- Oh, Hawaii! I cannot wait!|- I know. I can't either.
Have a great|time in Hawaii!
- Good luck!|- Have fun in Hawaii!
Just you and me|now, Ruby!
Jesus. Who did I kill|in a past life?
And take off|that damn dress.
You look like|a giant peach cobbler.
You're making me hungry.
Come on, weathergirl,|I'll buy you a box of wine.
# For once in my life #
# I have someone|who needs me #
# Someone I needed|so long #
# For once, unafraid #
# I can go|where life leads me #
# Somehow I know|I'll be strong #
# For once, I can touch #
# What my heart|used to dream of #
# Long before I knew #
# Oh, someone warm|like you #
# Would make my dream|come true #
- # Yeah yeah yeah # |- # For once in our lives #
# For once in my life #
# I won't let sorrow|hurt me #
# Not like it's hurt me|before #
# Not like|it's hurt before #
# For once,|I have something #
# I know won't|desert me #
- # I'm not alone anymore # |- # I'm not alone #
# For once, I can say #
# "This is mine,|you can't take it" #
# As long as I know|I have love I can make it #
# For once in my life #
# I have someone|who needs me #
# Someone who needs me #
# Ah-hah-hah,|hey yeah! #
# Someone who needs me #
# All I need|is love, baby #
# For once in my life #
# Make our dreams|come true #
- # For once in my life # |- # For once in my life #
# I won't let|sorrow hurt me #
- # Not like it's hurt me before # |- # Not like it hurt before #
# For once, I have something #
# I know won't desert me #
- # I'm not alone anymore # |- # I'm not alone anymore #
# For once I can say #
# "This is mine,|you can't take it" #
# Long as I know|I have love I can make it #
# For once in my life #
# I have someone|who needs me #
- # Someone who needs me # |- # Oh #
# For once in my life #
- # Someone who needs me # |- # Yeah #
# Somebody that needs me #
- # Someone who needs me # |- # For once in my life. #
# You can cry|a million tears #
# You can wait|a million years #
# If you think that time|will change your ways #
# Don't wait too long #
# When your morning|turns to night #
# Who'll be loving you|by candlelight? #
# If you think that time|will change your ways #
# Don't wait too long #
# Maybe I've got a lot|to learn #
# Time can slip away #
# Sometimes you've got|to lose it all #
# Before you find|your way #
# Take a chance|and play your part #
# Make romance,|it might break your heart #
# But if you think time|will change your ways #
# Don't wait too long #
# Baby, you and I've got|a lot to learn #
# Don't want to waste|another day #
# Maybe you got|to lose it all #
# Before you find|your way #
# Take a chance,|play your part #
# Make romance,|it might break your heart #
# But if you think time|will change your ways #
# Don't wait too long #
# Don't wait #
# Yeah. #
Gettin' old.