[Snoring]
[Sighs]
[Police sirens sound
in the distance]
[Car alarm goes off
in the distance]
[ Dog barking ]
[ Lucas' light breathing ]
[ Honking ]
[Alarm clock rings ]
[ "Skip to my Lou" plays ]
[ Cat meows ]
Huh! Hello, Lady.
Edith? You okay in there?
EDITH:
Yes, dear, I'm fine.
Do you need anything
from the store?
Hurry up, guys.
ELIZA: Clara!
You're going to be late for school!
[ Lucas giggles ]
EDITH:
Orange juice, perhaps.
Does Lady need food?
EDITH:
I don't know.
Okay, well,
I'm closing the door now, Edith.
It's not safe to leave it open.
[ To herself]
'Cause I live in a firetrap.
Come on.
It's not a firetrap.
That's a treasure trove.
ELIZA: If stacks of stuff dated from
the '50s count as a treasure trove.
AVERY: Oh, they do.
ELIZA: Avery, you're gonna have
to move the car today, remember?
AVERY: Right.
ELIZA: You sit in it with Lucas
and hold our spot...
-...and I'll walk Clara over.
-AVERY: Right.
Okay!
Oh.... Come on, sweetie.
Careful, guys.
CLARA: Careful, guys.
[ Traffic noise ]
ELIZA: Didn't I just clean this out
last week?
Hey, check it out.
Look at those books!
Think we can get them
before mom notices?
No, Avery, please.
Put your family's best interest first.
Think of the common good.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
LUCAS:
That's exactly what I'm doing.
AVERY:
Okay, in the car we go.
Can I have some?
[ Children giggle ]
[ Sandrine says something
in French ]
[ Sandrine greets them in French ]
I wish I was French, too.
It's my birthday tomorrow.
I'm gonna be six!
And I'm having my party
up there tonight!
Really?
In your apartment.
ISABELLA: For my sixth birthday,
we had a private marionette show.
I'm gonna have 10 friends!
My seventh
was at the Swedish Cottage.
First, my mom said I could
only have six friends
because I'm gonna be six.
Then, Serendipity 3
delivered frozen hot chocolate.
But then, my dad talked her
into letting me have 10.
Afterwards, my friends and l
got carriage rides
in Central Park at sunset.
I'm gonna have a triple layer cake,
with purple frosting.
And I'm gonna have
really cool goodie bags,
right, Mom?
AVERY:
Not the goodie bags again.
SANDRINE:
Eliza, you are brave.
Really? How so?
Just to live as you do, you know?
The stairs, the children,
the car, the dog.
It's a bit exhausting, no?
Is that your definition of "brave"?
Eliza, could you give me a hand
with this buckle?
Um, Mom, you forgot my backpack,
and I definitely need it
before choice time.
Okay.
SANDRINE:
Eliza, are you--?
Are you wearing your nightgown?
[ Music plays ]
ELIZA:
Has it really come to this?
That I, Eliza K, Welch,
find myself humiliated
in my nightgown
in front of my neighbor's
townhouse?
My husband has run Clara
around the corner to P.S. 3,
and I have exactly
nine minutes to write,
How can a mother
articulate her ideas
with anything approaching
wit or conviction
in such ridiculously
tiny wedges of time?
[ New message alert ]
ELIZA:
Oh, it's ZachsMommy again,
"Quit complaining, SanctaMommy!
No one has any time,
Save your quest for self-expression
until the kids go off to college,
[ Scoffs ]
Must a woman's soul
wither and die
simply because she opted
to become a mother?
I want to finish the laundry
and a complex sentence,
to think tantalizingly
deep thoughts
and throw a magical birthday party
for my daughter,
Is that truly too much to ask?
ELIZA:
Tomorrow, Clara turns six,
She's more than half way
to double digits,
She'll be going to college
in 12 years,
That used to seem
like a long time,
Now I can blink,
and it'd be over,
ELIZA: "Speak your mind and become
our resident Mom-ologist
with your very own column,
worth up to 3,000 dollars a month!
Runners-up receive
either 1,000 dollars
or an all-expense paid trip
to this year's Mamapalooza,
the festival for moms who rock, "
You've gotta be kidding me,
"Just send us 500 words telling us
what motherhood means to you, "
Oh, my God!
It's perfect!
Oh, no,
[ Groans ]
TOUR GUlDE:
Folks, coming up,
we're going to see the historic former
home of Edna St. Vincent Millay.
But first,
get those cameras ready....
ELIZA: Excuse me.
This is a neighborhood, people,
not a theme park.
"Get her picture! Get her --!
"Here's the corner we all know
and love from Friends."
Though, whenever you see
an inside shot,
that was actually filmed
on a soundstage in Los Angeles.
WOMAN:
Hurry, kids! Hurry! Come on!
ELIZA:
Hey! Sheila! Sheila!
Hi! What's shakin', babe?
Do I have
Joan Crawford eyebrows?
I applied pencil like it was
magic marker, and I didn't check.
Tell me the truth.
No, they look good.
They're, 'ya know, zesty.
Zesty?
I have to have this in Clara's
classroom by choice time,
or it's sudden death
for Bad Mommy.
-Will you walk with me?
-Sure.
SHEILA:
Hey, do you want me
to pick up Clara
and bring her with us?
'Cause I know Trixie
would love it.
But I thought Joel
had the kids on Fridays.
Oh, he's in Santa Fe.
Oh.... Chasing another
new wild potter?
I don't know. Maybe.
Who cares?
ELIZA: I've really gotta
go for this, right?
I mean, there's something validating
about having a real job, you know?
It's been awhile.
Yeah, there's definitely something
validating about having a real job.
I mean, especially one
that actually pays you more
than the childcare
required to do it.
And it has been awhile.
You sure you're ready to move
beyond entourages
of organic snacks?
[ Eliza laughs ]
Completely!
I mean, it gives me a chance
to explore what it really means
to become a mother,
and nobody talks about this stuff.
The sleep deprivation,
the funks, the non-stop cleaning,
the death of lust.
I can see Lunchbox magazine
flying off the stands.
Here's my first headline:
"To thine own self be true:
Don't Breed."
Too late.
[ Bongos playing ]
[ Whispers ]
Hi, Trixie!
Shit!
-What?
-Avery forgot to walk Coupon!
Shit is right.
You better get home, or you're
gonna find a deposit on your rug.
[ Drilling sounds ]
ELIZA: Avery?
Avery.
Avery.
This stuff is incredible, really.
Uh, Avery, um, did you forget
something this morning?
AVERY: What?
I don't know, it was essentially
our firstborn, you know?
The one
with the incontinence issues?
Oops, sorry.
Single most abused word
in the English language.
AVERY:
"Oops" or "sorry"?
All right, so I'll stay with Lucas,
and you go get Coupon.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
I got an editorial meeting at 9:30.
If I don't leave now,
I'm never gonna make it.
No, no, no, no!
You never told me that!
Yes, I did. I told you this morning
while you were combing Clara's hair.
Don't worry, I'll be back by 1:00.
No, but 1:00 is too late!
I don't think Coupon
can hold it till then,
and he can't walk himself
because he can't make it
down the stairs anymore.
AVERY: Holy Moly!
ELIZA: Did you go
to the cash machine at least?
Eliza, I wish you would stop
talking to me like I'm impaired.
Yes, I did.
I.... No -- I'm sorry, okay?
There's just something I want
to do today. It's incredible.
It's this writing thing, which
could be just perfect for me and--
I guess I'll just figure out
how to get it all done by myself.
-ELIZA: Bye!
-AVERY: Bye!
[ Music plays ]
[ Grunts ]
Oh, come on.
I got ya!
[ Deep breaths ]
Orange juice.
Edith?
I forgot your orange juice.
I'm sorry,
I'll bring you some more later?
EDITH: Orange juice?
I don't need any orange juice, dear.
I'm closing the door now, Edith.
It's not safe to leave it open.
Okay.
[ Car alarm sounds ]
Hurry up, Coupon, let's go.
HESTER:
Street sweeper! Street sweeper!
Oh! Oh, God. Coupon! Get busy.
LUCAS: Get busy.
HESTER:
Get a Prius, New Jersey!
Go home, scumbag!
Good job, Coupon!
Good boy!
So, you just gonna leave it there?
No, I just, I gotta get my kid
in the car,
so I can move the car, so the street
sweeper can clean the street.
I'll pick it up later.
What if someone
steps in it before then?
I'll call 911 and make a complaint.
Well, I haven't found that
very effective, but be my guest.
Here, honey.
And you're not even
going to strap him in?
Give me a break.
ELIZA: Okay....
Oh, no!
[ Engine starts ]
[ Honking ]
IRATE DRIVER:
Come on, lady, move it!
Now where the hell is this guy?
WOMAN:
What's going on?
HESTER: Every Tuesday and Friday
you gotta move your car
so they can clean the street.
Oh, except this one here.
They're from Jersey.
They leave it,
and then pay the ticket.
It's cheaper than a garage.
And then the street sweeper
can't get around!
IRATE DRIVER:
Hey, move it, Volvo lady!
Move that freakin' car!
I can't, I'll lose my spot!
Why doesn't everybody just back up?
IRATE DRIVER: Come on!
Move your car!
Come around!
IRATE DRIVER:
We can't move, 'ya cunt!
Motherfucker!
WOMAN:
What is that woman doing?
She's nuts.
Look, that's her dog shit.
She just left it there.
-Oh!
-HESTER: Give him hell!
Did you just say
what I think you said?
Yeah, that's right, you heard me.
You just used the C-word in front
of a child, in front of a school!
Your mother must be
very proud of you.
Hey, you leave my mother
out of this!
No, no, no.
She must be very, very proud
that her son grew up to be....
What do you do?
Oh, roofing!
That her son's a roofer.
-Shut up, lady.
-Impressive.
Do they give you a degree in that?
Advanced shingling?
Hey, I said, shut up!
[ Honking intensifies
and people scream ]
All right, I'm sorry
that I insulted your profession.
Well, somebody's gotta fix roofs.
[ Chuckles ]
Right. Agreed.
I mean, I'm one to talk.
I'm just trying to raise two kids
in this godforsaken city
that's a shadow of its former self.
Do you ever think about maybe
moving out to the suburbs?
Like we could afford the taxes!
Yeah, I hear you on that.
I hear you on that.
He's escaping!
Somebody call the police!
Hey, you better get up there!
Oh! Oh!
No!
[ Lucas giggles ]
MAN: Move the car!
This isn't a parking lot!
ELIZA:
What are you doing?
Oh! Sweetie! Sweetie! Oh, no, no, no!
I'm so sorry. Back you go.
Report her to social services!
Hey, cut the lady some slack.
Can't you see
she's having a hard day?
Thank you.
[ Honking continues ]
[ Engine starts ]
Oh, watch out! Oh! Oh!
Look.
[ Music plays ]
Lucas, sweetie, I am so sorry
I left you all alone like that.
And mommy's sorry
she was smoking, too.
And yelling.
Smoking and yelling are two things
that Lunchbox Magazine
would tell you to avoid.
[ Tires screech ]
ELIZA: I'm sorry.
Mommy's just gonna, just race
around the block as fast as she can.
As quick as a wink!
A wink!
Oh! I'm gonna lose my spot!
Oh, no.
Don't!
ELIZA: Oh, no-no-no-no-no!
Hey! No, no, no!
All right, one sec.
Don't, don't, don't.
Excuse me!
Look, I'm sorry to bother you!
I know you're not napping because
I saw you just pull into my spot.
It's not your spot.
But I live here.
You live in the West Village, so you
can afford to park someplace else.
No, you can say that,
but you'd be wrong, okay?
My apartment is right there,
rather I should say, our apartments.
You've got more
than one apartment?
They're rent stabilized,
and one is a studio.
Look, I'm throwing a birthday party
for my daughter tonight,
and I need to park here
so I can stash stuff in the car.
That is, if I can fit anything,
considering my husband has filled
the back of the car with old books.
You see, he has this fantasy
of starting an online rare book
business to enrich our lifestyle.
How about that?
Anyway, we live in a walk-up.
Oh!
Come on!
[ Bells toll ]
"My, what a wonderful house
this would be.
I will live in it until the people
who own it come for it.
And then, the little old man--"
Oh, that's us. Okay.
Come on, sweetie.
Ah.... Okay, here we go.
Ooh!
Come, sweetie, here we go.
[ Deep breaths ]
Yeah....
[ Sighs ]
Good sharing, Courtney!
I am very proud of you
for your excellent sharing.
No, no, drop it.
That's made in China.
ELIZA:
Hey! Watch it.
He's a whole lot smaller than you.
Excuse me,
did you just say something?
Did she say something to you, Jordan?
ELIZA: Look, I'm sorry, but your son
nearly crushed my kid.
He's a whole lot bigger.
Are you saying
my son's overweight?
I said big.
Actually, what I said was "bigger."
Don't you dare
ever speak to him again.
It's glandular!
No, Trish.
Trish, you cook pot roast at 375.
Yeah.
And don't forget to mail
the Con-Ed bill, please.
My wife.
Yeah, okay, bye.
Jodie Foster alert.
Excuse me?
I swear to God, it's Jodie!
She's coming in right now.
PAPARAZZl: Jodie, Jodie!
Over here, Jodie! Who's the father?
Last week, I had
a Sarah Jessica Parker sighting.
I've seen Julianne Moore,
Kate Winslet, and James Gandolfini.
I swear, it's like a movie star
playground.
I come in all the way from Scarsdale
because, you know, you never know,
I could sell it to Us, right?
PAPARAZZl:
Who's your baby-daddy, Jodie?
JODIE: You should work in a soup
kitchen, you fucking parasites.
Here you go, honey.
Got your jacket?
ELIZA: Should a mother
really have to choose
between simply getting
her kid some fresh air
and being stalked
by the mamarazzi?
LILY: Hey, Eliza.
Hey, Lily! Hey, Bodhi!
-Say hi.
-Hi.
What's with the HAZMAT suit?
Oh, this?
It's a UV-protection robe.
I got it for Bodhi off this website.
They make them in Australia.
Because of the warming.
Ah....
I hate to say this, but he kinda
looks like a little baby Klansman.
Oh, well, it cuts out 99 percent
of harmful rays.
I can send you the link if you want.
I got lndy a poncho off it.
Maybe Clara would want one.
It's okay.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt you.
No, no, no. I'm just...
entering this contest.
Really? What's the contest?
Just write 500 words about
what motherhood means to me.
What are you gonna say?
Um....
Stuff, I guess. I don't know.
How motherhood
is all about rainbows and unicorns
and sunny days and....
I've got something up my sleeve.
Okay.
Hey, do you want to borrow some?
It's cruelty and chemical free.
They make it in Oregon.
No, thanks.
[ Bodhi cries ]
[ Lily sobs ]
Lily? Lily, what are you doing?
Oh, haven't you read
The Crying and the Raging?
It's the most amazing book.
This pediatrician in Norway
came up with the theory
that if you really connect
with your child in his moment of pain,
it calms them down.
It's really made a difference
for me and Bodhi.
Lily, will you excuse me
for a second?
Oh, sure.
Are you feeling better?
Do you have the hiccups?
Let's look around
and see what we see.
I think I see a little chipmunk.
Oh, that's not a chipmunk.
SHEILA: I don't have
the faintest notion
what motherhood means to me,
you know what I mean?
Since when does a stroller
have to cost as much as a car?
Okay, a used car.
SHEILA: Since the world
has started breeding more,
-Oh!
-SHEILA: What?
-ELIZA: I can't believe....
-SHEILA: What?
ELIZA:
They towed my goddamn car!
-SHEILA: Oh, shit,
-Oh!
AVERY (VOICEMAIL): Please
leave your message at the beep,
ELIZA:
Avery, where are you?
I'm freaking out, okay?
They're shooting on our block again.
They moved the cars.
Call me as soon as you get this.
I gotta go. Bye.
Where is my car?
We have a resident here.
MALE VOICE:
She can pick up her car anytime,
Copy that.
Who moved it?
Well, there's signs on all the posts.
Check them. No parking today.
There were no signs
when I left it here an hour ago.
-Right there!
-Ma'am, look--
Don't "ma'am" me!
I may technically be old enough
to be your mother,
but I am not a "ma'am."
The car's been moved
to a secure location
on Barrow Street,
all the way west.
Film crews are supposed
to give 24-hour notice.
I can give you the number
to the mayor's office
if you'd like to call
and file a complaint.
Very helpful. Great.
You're telling me that you towed
my car, and I have to bite it, right?
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you
to cross the street.
We're setting up here.
Hester, can you believe this?
I'm gonna piss in a pot
and dump it on 'em later.
Out the window, splat.
Right on!
Danny, go to two.
ELIZA: Why is it that once
you pass 35 and have a kid in tow,
you automatically
become a "ma'am"?
"Ma'am" means support hose,
a girdle, a bad perm,
I'll wear hot pants and platforms
when I'm on a walker
if only to avoid
being called "ma'am, "
[ Phone rings ]
Avery, Avery, Avery!
Answer your phone for once, Avery!
AVERY (VOICEMAIL): You've reached
Avery, Please leave your message--
[ Sighs ]
ELIZA: I used to be fluid,
I used to be, I don't know, graceful.
Now my words come out,
and they just sound like bad ad copy.
Well, maybe your brain's
worn out from over-sharing.
Sheila, just blog-slam me
when I'm down!
[ Sheila laughs ]
Avery lost his cell phone,
by the way,
the ultimate passive-aggressive act.
Avery would lose his scrotum
if it wasn't attached.
Well, it's either that,
or he silenced it,
which is the most effective way
of silencing me.
Ah.... No longer my problem,
being silenced.
I mean,
God forbid I ever raised a topic
from Joel's top 10 list
of "musts to avoid."
Like, why you can't balance
his checkbook.
Or vacuum. Or remember
the substitute teacher's name.
Or tolerate a single comment
about September 11
at the dinner table.
God, maybe that's gonna show up
in the divorce papers.
"Refused to stop referencing
traumatic event
more than six years
after the fact."
Mm-hmm.
"By the way,
'Why can't you just get over it?"'
I'll tell you why.
'Cause you're always thinking,
you're always wondering, "What if?"
I mean, have I done everything
I could possibly do
to stave off disaster?
Did I tell Clara how much I loved her
this morning before school,
just in case
she never makes it home again.
Oh, Liz, you gotta stop.
I can't stop.
Well, as a fearless leader
once said,
"When you can't stop,
you must shop."
[ Music plays in store ]
You know, the grand irony
of the whole thing
is that the first time around,
all I wanted...
Thank you.
...was for Joel to leave me alone
and not touch me.
Well, that was because
your joints ached.
And I had to pee
every five seconds.
Which is better than peeing
all over yourself,
which is what you do
after you give birth.
Yeah, the cruel twist of fate
is that at this time,
all the women do is shag.
And there is nobody to shag me.
She got pregnant
through sympathy sex.
Her husband felt guilty
after he ran off,
so he sent the kids out with a sitter,
got a bottle of wine,
and jumped on her.
Shagged me madly.
Got her pregnant --
And then he left her.
Pig!
Oh, yeah.
SHEILA:
Hey, you guys....
-ELIZA: That's nice.
-SHEILA: It's pretty, yeah.
For a 6-year-old.
I gotta tell you something.
It does not leave this room.
Okay, so last night,
I got the kids to bed about 9:00,
and I ran a bath,
which would have been
really lovely
except I only had that
Strawberry Shortcake bubble bath.
-So I'm lying there, in the bath --
-Yeah....
naked --
What? What?
Good!
[ Laughing ]
You know the little, um,
motorized submarine bath toys....
-The little, "Chiggachiggachigga...."
-Yeah.
Oh!
What?
You know, they look
a bit like dildos.
You're dirty!
[ Laughing ]
It was lovely.
And it was amazing.
It was lovely and amazing.
I got very lucky with the submarine.
Oh....
Okay, all right, look,
the moment of reckoning.
Lay it on me.
Where would I wear this?
Parent-teacher conference.
Okay.
What about...
...this one?
Well, that's for the date that's
never gonna happen, isn't it?
Or in case you ever feel like enticing
the spousal unit to do 'ya.
Hey, how about this one?
Well, that's nice.
That's for keeping cozy at your desk.
Cozy at my desk doing what?
I don't know. I'm just here
for the fashion advice.
I can't solve your life crisis.
I'm gonna go check out
the size 29.
ELIZA: What does it say
about the world
when a perfectly attractive woman
like my best friend Sheila
has to resort to wanking off
with her son's bath toy?
Oh,,,,
Even if she is seriously pregnant
at this point,
it somehow seems unjust,
[ Keyboard clicking ]
Motherhood is not knowing
what's going to hit you next,
Motherhood is a day in May,
a hot air balloon,,,
,,,God's gift to womankind,
[ Lucas hums ]
[ Lucas mumbles something
to himself ]
ELIZA: What about when
your child's hand is still so small
that he or she puts that hand
in yours with absolute trust?
Their incredibly soft cheeks
when you kiss them,
The way their foreheads sweat
when they're sleeping,
and the hair sticks to it,
The hilariously weird things they
say when they're learning to talk,
The way you save their lost teeth
after they fall out,
and you've done
your tooth fairy routine,
Iike some demented Nazi,
because you can't stand
to give up any part of them,
no matter how tiny,
[ Door shuts slams shut ]
Oh.... Sorry I'm late.
Morris needed the final edit
on the Albanian manuscript.
Jesus, you know, I had to pile
through a bunch of extras
with really bad moustaches
just to get to the front door.
Did you notice
that our car got towed?
Yes, I did.
I've been trying to call you.
-AVERY: Hi!
-LUCAS: Hi.
-AVERY: Really?
-Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah. Look at that.
Eight missed calls.
Ringer must have been off.
So, uh, did you have something
you needed to tell me?
ELIZA: Nothing that I couldn't
figure out on my own.
You have no idea
how lucky you are
to be married
to a consummate multitasker.
Ah, but I do know.
ELIZA: Hey, can you please
take him across the hall?
I need to put in
another half an hour. I just --
I'm just beginning
to get somewhere.
-Oh, really?
-ELIZA: Yep.
Good.
[ Bell tolls ]
AVERY: Is that Paul?
I think that's Paul.
Do you see him?
-Did I miss her?
-AVERY: No, no.
Hi, sweetie! Hi!
See your sister, yeah?
Where is she?
-AVERY: Oh, there she is.
-Hi!
Hi, Mom! Hi!
Hi, Clara!
-Oh....
-Oh, God!
Clara!
TEACHER:
Line up, please!
ELIZA: Clara?
Clara?
[ Children playing ]
It's her last day of being 5.
Oh, Avery, Avery, Avery,
Lucas is here.
Didn't you notice?
I put him in front of the Teletubbies.
He'll be paralyzed for an hour.
No, no, no....
I'd love to, but I can't. No!
I have a deadline
and a party to throw, remember?
Yeah.
[ Music plays ]
Av? Can I borrow your bike?
Sure.
Oh, can you read my draft?
Can you explain to me
what it is again?
Yes.
I'm submitting a piece
to a parenting magazine.
It's a contest.
I mean, it's kind of a real gig.
But I can't get into that right now.
It's only 500 words.
It's a first draft.
But, no, I feel like it's solid,
you know?
Something I could put my name to
and feel good about it.
I left a copy on my desk.
Sure.
And, Avery?
Hmm?
Mm.... Nothing. It's just --
Be honest.
Bye.
Bye!
-LUCAS: Bye.
-Bye.
[ The Go-Between's
"Streets of Your Town" plays ]
ELIZA: Shit!
[ Honking ]
[ Elevator-type music plays ]
BOY: Mama,
I want the big Spider-Man,
not the little Spider-Man.
No, I told you....
It's 39 dollars.
BOY:
I want the big one!
It's too much money, now, come on!
I told you,
you can't have this, Jorge!
Stop it, that's enough.
Come on. Laura?
Laura, get back over here!
Jorge, come on.
Laura?
Laura, get back over here.
[ Music plays ]
ELIZA:
Yeah, Sheila, got the backpack.
I'm doing my Sherpa routine.
SHEILA: Do you think our children
have any idea
how we suffer on their behalf?
ELIZA: Absolutely not.
WOMAN:
Hey, you can't cut the line.
Wait your turn!
Look, I gotta get out of here.
I just waited 20 minutes
for some moron to blow up balloons.
Well, you can't cut the line.
I've gotta go pick up my twins
from preschool in 10 minutes.
They fine you if you're late.
SHEILA:
What the hell is going on?
Crazy, crazy,
now showing everywhere.
SHEILA: Hang on,
I'm just going to get my tea,
Hi, yes.
This is Allison Hopper.
Sorry, I'm just gonna be
a weensy bit late
picking up Sky and Banjo
this afternoon.
Sorry about that.
So, Sheila, I'm feeling, why do l
even care if I win this contest?
I mean, I'm addressing such
a narrow sector of the population.
WOMAN:
Move up, the line moved.
SHEILA: Not as narrow
as the one you're addressing there,
Where are you?
ELIZA:
Getting goody bag stuff.
So much for sticking
to your principles.
"So much for sticking
to your principles."
[ Whispering ]
Some freakazoid is bothering me.
"Freakazoid!"
What the hell is your problem?
What the hell is your problem?
ELIZA: Sheila,
I'm gonna call you back, okay?
SHEILA:
No, no, no!
ELIZA: Listen, I wasn't speaking
very loudly in the first place, okay?
I believe in cell phone etiquette.
You introduced your conversation
into my personal space,
thus violating any commonly held
definition of "etiquette."
Is that so?
Move it! Move up!
Did you know that 90 percent
of cell phone users
believe they're courteous
while 85 percent
of those same users
complain about being annoyed
by others' conversations?
Now, those numbers
really don't add up, do they?
ELIZA: Why don't we have
this conversation in 20 years,
when you've learned a thing or two
about the real world?
Oh, you mean when I'm old?
[ Sighs ]
Even you, my friend,
will turn 40.
[ Screams ]
[ Mumbles something ]
COLLEGE STUDENT:
You know what?
You urban moms are like
a case study in liberal hypocrisy.
You think the rules apply
to other people, but never to you.
You blab your precious banalities
into cell phones,
you buy gluten-free snacks,
yet have no comprehension
of your carbon footprint!
I'd like to shove my carbon footprint
right up your ass.
Come on, you're up, you're up!
Can you believe this dickhead?
I'm sorry.
GIRL: Mommy!
She said "dickhead"!
[ Shakespear's Sister's
"Goodbye Cruel World" plays ]
But that's not her name.
Yes, it is.
Says it right here on the order form:
"Clarra."
Her name is "Clara."
Look, see?
"Clara."
Not, "Clar-ra."
Well, our froster
is on a cigarette break, so --
Well, can't someone else fix it?
All you have to do is just
scrape off the "ra", right?
And rewrite it in matching icing
so it doesn't look like an accident.
Only the froster can do that.
ELIZA: Look, I have to go home.
I mean, I have to set up.
So come back.
We're open till midnight.
ELIZA: I can't come back.
The party is at 5:00.
Agh....
You have to admit
it's your own fault.
If you had named her
"Sophie" or "Ella,"
you wouldn't be having this problem,
but you gave her an "Edna" name.
-A what?
-You know, an "Edna" name?
Like "Mabel" or "Agnes" or "Velma."
Yeah, like lesbian librarian names.
WOMAN: Don't you read
the "Crankypants Post"?
She did a whole thing last week
about names, it was genius.
Well, yes, I mean I do read her,
but I like other
parenting blogs better.
What about "The Bjorn ldentity"?
That woman is so -- I don't know.
I think she's a feminist.
Well, what could be worse than that?
ELIZA: Anyway, "Clara"
is not an "Edna" name, right?
WOMAN: Let me guess, you named
her after your favorite grandmother?
Stop.
[ The Dear Janes' "Ship" plays ]
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me, I live here.
Oh, do you know if there's
a McKendrick in 6-C?
Yes, I do.
Try the buzzers?
Yeah.
What?
Oh, no! No!
Avery!
I just --
Classic!
How am I gonna get
this shit upstairs?
I was gonna stash it in my car,
which I like to call
my roving metal purse,
which was parked right over there,
but then --
[ Groans ]
Then... this came!
This invasion of the block snatchers!
I've gotta throw a party
for my daughter...
...at 5:00!
I don't know
where my husband has gone.
He has this habit of disappearing
right when I need him the most.
Just, I'll sign for it, okay?
You've got a lot to carry.
So, Mikesh,
you a messenger full-time?
Of course not. No. I write.
[ Laughs ]
Don't we all?
-Write what?
-Plays. Well, sort of.
I guess you'd call them quietly
domestic plays set in lndia.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, I tried to find a job
that would occupy
the least amount of mental space
and be so opposite
my true aesthetic intentions
that it wouldn't get in the way,
you know?
ELIZA:
Does that work for you?
MIKESH:
Most of the time.
How do you do this every day?
I'm winded, man.
Lightweight.
ELIZA:
My daughter is a nicotine Nazi.
They do all this anti-smoking
propaganda in school,
which is good, I guess,
but my position
is everything in moderation,
which is hard to explain to a kid,
you know?
Excuse me one sec.
Edith?
[ Knocks on Edith's door ]
You okay in there?
EDITH: Who is it?
It's me, Eliza.
Got your juice.
Some food for Lady.
Edith, do you need
something to eat?
No, dear.
What day is today?
It's Friday.
It's May 25.
May 25, Edith.
May 25.
Okay, Edith. Gotta go.
Just right next door
if you need me.
I'm right there. Bye.
Wow.
Wow, indeed.
Well....
Mikesh, thank you for carrying
all this stuff up for me.
You really saved me.
Oh....
Whew!
I'll take that letter for Avery.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Um....
This was really nice of you.
Um.... Do you....?
Well, you must be thirsty.
Do you want a glass of water?
Yeah.
Okay.
-MIKESH: Here, let me get that.
-ELIZA: Oh....
You're so kind.
All right.
ELIZA:
Sorry for this heinous mess.
MIKESH: Oh, no. I was --
The view across your rooftop
is so poetical.
You should see where I live.
Bushwick, man.
It's a little grim.
Well, you're, you're, what,
you're, um... how old?
MIKESH: 22.
Oh, you can deal
with Bushwick, then.
When you get to be my age....
Wow, well, you look fantastic.
Actually, I'm not quite 44.
I'm, um....
I just lied.
I think I was hoping
that you just might say that.
The point is,
when you get to be my age,
the view becomes less poetical
in relationship to other aspects
of living here.
One door on, one door off.
Is this some
kind of artistic statement?
Uh....
This is one of Avery's
renovation projects.
Look closely, and you'll find
similar statements elsewhere.
Like his perennially disorganized
personal library.
MIKESH: He seems interesting,
your husband.
Oh, he is.
He's....
He's eccentric, and l, um....
I fell in love with those
eccentricities, you know?
ELIZA:
But then you have kids
and try to lead
what's called a grown-up life,
and those sort of things become
obstacles to a sane existence.
So you used to be a writer, too?
Well, this is you, no?
ELIZA: Yes, um....
Or a version of me.
I'd really appreciate it if you --
MIKESH: "She woke up
with the taste of blood in her mouth.
The memory of the night before
hit her full force.
Inexorable.
Swift.
Like fast water moving over rocks...
-...she was concerned that --
-ELIZA: Please stop.
Yeah, that was my thing.
That kind of fiercely lyrical fiction.
I got scholarships for it.
I was considered to be
kind of an up-and-comer.
I loved writing.
I still do.
It's just, you know,
when you have kids....
I still write. Sort of.
On more, um... everyday topics.
It's just --
How come you're being
so nice to me?
I saw you go
to that woman next door.
I saw you give her that juice,
very easily.
Very selflessly.
Why can't I be nice, too?
Besides, you're very pretty.
[ Air escapes loudly ]
Um....
-Tell me something else.
-About what?
About being a writer.
Oh, well....
Um....
I used to write record reviews
when I was first in college
and after I graduated, for these
little downtown newspapers,
none of which really exist anymore,
to get free albums.
[ Giggles ]
Vinyl!
Yeah.
Now I'm really dating myself.
I mean, Avie was really into music.
He turned me on to lots of bands.
I mean, some you've heard of
and probably some you never have.
Like what?
ELIZA:
Oh, I don't know.
Play me something.
ELIZA: Oh.
Really?
Yeah.
Um.... Okay.
Um....
-You wanna hear something great?
-Yeah.
[ Pylon's "Stop lt" starts playing ]
So spare and basic.
It's Pylon.
Turn it up!
No, no, no.
My downstairs neighbors
have this hideous tool,
and they'll just start
banging on the pipes.
Who cares?
[ Eliza raises the volume ]
[ Eliza raises the volume even more ]
[ Eliza turns music off]
[ Eliza breathes heavily ]
Fantastic!
Yeah.
It's great.
Well....
Oh, look, I gotta get things
finished up around here
before my husband gets back.
But you've been a real life-saver.
Yeah?
Absolutely.
Well, I'd love to read
your fiction sometime.
Do you have anything more recent?
No, not at the present moment.
No, at the present moment,
my life is... extremely reality-based.
But I do plan to get back to it
at some point.
No, I mean, I will.
As my favorite grad school
professor used to say,
"There is no 'try,'
there is only 'do' and 'do not."'
Well, Mikesh, it's been
incredibly nice to meet you.
Thank you.
[ Music plays ]
[ Phone rings ]
SHEILA:
I cannot believe you!
What, Sheila? What is it?
What did I do?
SHEILA: Do you have absolutely
no sense of boundaries whatsoever?
What are you talking about?
SHEILA: You used my name!
You used my real name!
Everyone who knows us
is now gonna know!
Know what?
SHEILA: Do you have any idea
how embarrassing that is?
Where are you?
I'm here!
ELIZA: Sheila, Sheila!
Hold on, I'm coming down!
SHEILA: No, don't come down!
Don't fucking bother!
Are you so hard up
for something to say
that you have to use
one of your closest friend's
most personal
and private experiences
just to make yourself
seem more clever and insightful?
Oh, Christ!
Sheila, I didn't mean to!
Yeah, but you did!
It doesn't matter, Eliza!
Oh, God, I thought
other single moms would relate!
Oh, so wait....
Now I'm your token single mom?
No, no, no.
Other moms, too, okay?
Married moms.
I mean, they can be sympathetic!
Oh, they can feel sorry for me, too.
Well, that's great.
So everybody
can feel sorry for me!
I don't want anyone
to feel sorry for me!
I'm a grown-up!
I made a grown-up choice!
And by the way, married women don't
have a whole lot of sex either...
,,,and you should bloody know!
I just --
I'm coming down! Just hold on!
Don't come down, I'm lea--
I've gotta go and get the kids.
No, Sheila!
Sheila, are you still bringing Clara?
Because if you don't, then I've
gotta arrange with Avery and --
Of course I'm still bringing Clara.
What do you think?
Oh, God.
You think I'm gonna punish a child
on her almost birthday
just 'cause her mother's
got a big fucking mouth
and no sense of discretion?
Sheila, just please,
just don't judge me, okay?
I mean, it's not your job.
I'm sorry, okay?
I mean, I'm -- I made a mistake!
Yeah, you sure bloody did, babe!
[ Sad music plays ]
[ Sighs ]
Seriously?
MAN: Hey!
[ Cell phone rings ]
AVERY: Eliza --
[ Raises volume ]
[ Madder Rose's
"Goodbye June Fool" plays ]
[ Cell phone rings ]
AVERY: Eliza?
[ Cell phone rings ]
AVERY: Eliza!
[ Cell phone rings ]
What?
What the hell?
Why do you keep
hanging up on me, Eliza?
[ Turns music off]
I'm not Eliza.
No, no, this is that woman who only
knows how to be banal, right?
What are you talking about?
If you don't even remember
writing that, Avery,
I'm not only leaving town,
I'm filing for divorce right now.
AVERY: Leaving town?
Where are you?
ELIZA: I just turned --
I'm on -- I'm on --
You're breaking --
You're breaking up.
[ Police sirens ]
Oh, God! Shit!
I can't hear you.
You're breaking --
There's a cop, Avery!
I don't want a ticket!
We can't afford another ticket!
AVERY:
Okay, I know, I know,
Look, Eliza, you can't leave town.
Too late.
AVERY:
Why are you so upset?
You told me
to be honest about that thing.
Well, there's honest,
and then there's debilitating, Avery.
And apparently
you don't know the difference.
Maybe I don't know the difference.
I mean, just ask Sheila.
Her opinion of me is not much better
than yours at this point.
What does Sheila
have to do with this?
Don't even ask.
I have to steer.
AVERY: You know, you used
to like it when I was tough on you,
You wanted me to do that.
ELIZA: Well, somehow "tough" got
a whole lot less appealing today,,,
...when I had to run around
absorbing an entire's city worth
of random hostility.
Well, it's not like you don't
radiate your own.
The point is,
I had something to write.
Something important to me,
if not to you.
AVERY: Yeah?
So why did you go shopping
with your friends?
Because it was the last day
of the sample sale!
And I got a 380-dollar dress
for 40 dollars!
That's why, Avery!
Maybe I should just give it all up
and wear mom jeans.
What the hell are mom jeans?
It's not like you'd notice, anyway.
You wanna know
one of the few benefits of 9/11?
Excellent cell phone reception
in the tunnels.
AVERY: Okay, Eliza?
Just stop, okay?
And listen to me.
This isn't funny, really.
What is Clara gonna say when
she gets home and you're not there?
ELIZA: What does she care?
She's got her goody bags
full of plastic crap
I bought against my better judgment.
She's got her cake
with the misspelled name,,,
...which I corrected myself.
She's got her purple cups
and plastic forks.
What does she need me for?
Are you serious?
I'm not only serious, I'm in Jersey.
You're in wh--?
Hold on, wait.
-AVERY: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-What?
-AVERY: Oh, my God!
-What?
I think he swallowed something.
-Hey, hey!
-ELIZA: Swallowed what?
Avery! Avery, what did he swallow?
I think he's choking!
Avery, don't push your finger
in his throat!
You can stick it down further!
Yeah, right! Well, what do I do?
Yeah, well, we took that class
together, don't you remember?
No, no, I don't remember.
What do l--?
You have to stay calm.
Avery, please, please, just --
Put him over your knee,
AVERY: I can't get him
out of the stroller.
ELIZA: Put him over your knee
and hit him three times on his back!
What do I do now?
I got him on my knee.
Hit him firmly on the back
three times!
Okay, hold on.
Oh, God! Come on!
Just spit it out, all right?
Avery! I can't hear you!
Come on! Come on, Lucas!
Spit it out, spit it out!
ELIZA: Avery?
What are you doing?
Avery?
Shit! Shit, shit, shit!
[ Tires screech ]
Oh, Lucas! Lucas, I'm coming!
Oh, my God! Lucas!
Oh, my God!
ELIZA: I'm coming!
Yeah, it's fine. It came out.
AVERY: It's fine,
it was just a lollipop in --
It's all right,
[ Music plays ]
What could possibly possess you
to give a toddler
a known choking hazard?
Don't lecture me, Eliza.
I could just as easily lecture you.
Really? For what?
For doing all the idiotic errands?
For listening to mothers in the park
who need to be medicated?
While you get to go to work
with real adults
and have normal
adult conversation.
Oh, yeah, like having Morris
ream me out
because I had to leave work
to take care of Lucas?
You mean those kind of normal,
adult conversations?
You got an envelope at home today,
by the way.
Some messenger guy delivered it.
Oh, yeah, right.
He --
He helped me
carry my bags upstairs,
and so I let him
come in for a while.
You what?
I let him come in,
and he blew up balloons.
You let a messenger
come into our apartment
and decorate
for our daughter's birthday?
His name was Mikesh,
and he was just being nice.
He looked at me
like I was a person
who might still have something
worthwhile to say.
I always tell you that you have
something worthwhile to say.
You --
You need a stranger
to tell you that?
Was he good-looking or....?
He looked at me like I might still
be somebody worth looking at.
How could you not know
that you're worth looking at?
Were you attracted to him?
Were you?
It's just that you never look
at me that way anymore, Avery.
Do you look at me that way?
No, not really. Not enough.
But I still love you, Avery.
I really love you, but --
But what?
It's just that
every day from the second I wake up
till the second I pass out cold,
my day, like the day of almost
every other mother I know,
is made up of a series of concrete,
specific actions.
And they're actions that kind of
wear away at passion,
if you know what I mean.
The actions
are petty and small like....
Like refilling coffee cups
or folding underwear.
But they accumulate
in this really debilitating way
that diminishes my ability to focus
on almost anything else.
Bigger things like, you know,
ideas or...
...politics or dreams
of a better life.
Well, what would be a better life?
It wasn't always my ambition
to supervise a team
of fatuous liberal arts graduates
and edit their copy about traveling
to places that we can't afford
to visit.
When we had Clara,
I got a job with healthcare
and a little bit of flexibility.
It was a decision that we made.
We made the decision together.
So I got a job that I can tolerate.
No more, no less.
You're not the only one
who's made sacrifices, Eliza.
Well, that still doesn't explain
why you can't pick up your socks.
What do my socks
have to do with it?
Your socks have everything
to do with it!
[ Eliza cries ]
Eliza, all I wanted you
to do in that piece
was to stop hiding behind irony
because it comes so easily to you.
I want to know
what you really think.
I want to know
what you really feel.
What makes you want to live
a life with passion,
no matter how many socks
you have to pick up.
What about that?
[ Children laughing and playing ]
[ Elizabeth Mitchell's "Jubilee"
plays ]
AVERY:
Come on, Coupon.
Come on, get out.
Oh....
Does Coupon have to be out here?
Ah, no, but Bodhi
just tripped over him.
Oh, is that Bodhi crying?
Yeah, it is.
Is Lily crying back in his face?
Unfortunately, yes.
Oh....
Did Sheila come back?
Not yet.
Don't worry.
You were right, you know?
Unbelievable.
About what?
About this.
But I think I figured it out.
I just need a little more time to --
A couple more minutes,
and I'll be done.
Everything's under control in here.
Okay, and....
Mom, everybody wants cake now.
And there has to be
six purple candles
and one number six candle.
Okay.
Come here.
What are you writing?
Ooh!
Oh....
Just this thing.
It has to be done by midnight.
It's kind of important.
It means mommy
might get a real job.
But I don't want you
to get a real job.
Why not?
It's good when mommies work.
It keeps mommies happy.
It keeps them from being mean,
nasty, yelling mommies.
What about daddies?
Should daddies not work, too?
Why moms and not dads, hmm?
Enlighten me.
'Cause moms do everything.
Dads only do some things.
It's different.
[ Cat meows ]
Oh, hi, Lady.
[ Cat continues meowing ]
Mom, for my seventh birthday,
can I get a cat?
Mm....
Mom, can l?
EDITH:
Lady? Lady, where are you?
Mom?
"Maybe" is the best I can do, okay?
ELIZA: No peeking!
Here it comes!
[ Children giggle ]
[ All sing "Happy Birthday,"
cha-cha-cha version, to Clara ]
ALL, CHANTING:
Are ya 1?
Are ya 2?
Are ya 3?
Are ya 4?
Are ya 5?
Noooooooo!
You're 6!
You're 6!
[ "Georgie Porgie" plays ]
[ Kids chant
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" ]
[ Song and chant
continue simultaneously ]
AVERY: Squeeze her again!
[ Pipes clang ]
Oh, come on, you moron!
It's not even 7:00!
It's a little girl's birthday party!
Clara, Clara,
can you turn it down just a little?
The parties we used to have
in this building, dear.
I can't tell you.
Everyone would drink gin
and smoke reefer
and dance and talk until dawn.
We used to argue a lot, too.
This was a very political crowd,
very serious about their positions,
don't you know.
No one would have dreamed
of complaining then.
Clara, crank it up!
[ Volume rises ]
Come on, everybody, let's jump!
Jump as hard as you can!
Jump up and down!
Jump, jump, jump!
[ The children scream ]
Come on, everybody, let's go!
[ Water pours ]
So your party's a big success.
Well, until someone starts bleeding,
I'd have to agree.
Sheila, I just --
I am so incredibly sorry
I hurt you.
Look, I do remember
uttering the distinct phrase,
"This does not leave this room."
And by that I meant, "Do not use
this episode for your own ends."
Be that as it may,
we always promised
that we'd tell each other
the minute we got pissed off,
and that's just what I did.
All right, steady on, steady on.
Hair on the lip gloss.
I was just telling you
when I was pissed off
when it actually happened.
I know.
You were just so funny about it,
you know?
I just....
I didn't think.
Oh, but you always
have to think, Eliza.
Oh, bloody hell.
My midwife told me
if I carry on eating sugar
all through my third trimester,
I'm gonna give birth
to a 10-pound behemoth, maybe 12.
That would be extremely
uncomfortable to push out vaginally.
Don't say "vaginally."
[ They laugh ]
You did a stupendous job
pulling everything together today.
I did, didn't l?
I hope you don't mind,
'cause I know how you feel
about these things, but --
I did get Clara the purple
iPod shuffle that she wanted.
You did?
That's kind of an expensive
present for a 6-year-old.
I mean, it's not really
in our economy, is it?
It's in our economy today.
The envelope,
came with the messenger.
Your friend, Mikesh?
You didn't open it, did you?
It was addressed to you.
This is a check
for 24,000 dollars, Avery.
What did you do?
You know those books
that were being thrown out today?
One of them happened to be
a copy of Emerson's essays.
A first edition, which as you know,
is incredibly rare.
And this first edition also happened
to be inscribed,
which significantly upped the value,
so I took it to Odyssey,
and I sold it.
But you love Emerson.
You love that book!
You didn't want to keep it?
Yeah, of course I wanted to keep it.
I even had a messenger
over the check.
Seemed kinda classy.
I figured it's probably enough
to pay for Lucas' preschool
for a couple of years.
And maybe even a dishwasher.
Because I want you
to take some time and write.
Your "mom-oir," whatever the hell
you call it, or something else.
This is....
This is for you, because you --
Oh, Avery!
[ Soft music plays ]
Wait, put this somewhere safe.
I'll do it.
ELIZA: Motherhood is about accepting
the limitations of time and energy,
which stretch beyond you,
even if sometimes it feels
they could consume you,
Search for and hold on
to your own true self,
If you lose that,
what kind of mother can you be?
Things are always changing,
no matter how much we might
want things to stay the same,
You could take a picture
of your kids every single day,
and every single day,
they'd just be getting older,
That's a fact,
A heartbreaking fact,
But still a fact,
So seize your days
and dwell in them fully,
Look to your children
because they know how to inhabit
brief periods of time
with extreme passion,
And for nothing more, really,
than the sake of those moments,
They can help you remember that,
if you only slow down and let them,
Feel fortunate because chances
are good you actually might be,
Mommy, mommy, mommy,
it's raining outside! Come quick!
All right.
Come on!
-LUCAS: It's raining outside!
-ELIZA: It is?
-CLARA: It's raining!
-ELIZA: Wow!
Lucas, go get daddy!
Go get daddy!
Here, sweetie, come on.
It's special movie rain...
for your birthday.
[ Rainfall ]
[ Eliza laughs ]
Wow!
[ Loud splash ]
MAN: Whoa!
Oh, my God, it's piss!
[ They laugh ]
Come out of here!
HESTER:
Don't say I didn't warn ya!
ELIZA: Go, Hester!
WOMAN: Sound speed!
MAN #2: Speeding.
MAN #3:
And, action!
Come here!
AVERY: Whoa!
Look at the movie down there!
Can you see it?
CLARA: I'm soaked!
[ Syd Straw's "CBGB's" plays ]