1
Order. Quiet!
Order. Order.
There's too much noise in here.
What? Never mind who's making the noise.
I want it quiet in here.
And you down there-
stop that whispering!
This is a court of law,
not a public library.
Oh, sorry, Your Honor.
Uh, are the parties present
in the matter...
of Mrs. Ellen Wagstaff Arden?
Mr. Nicholas Arden?
- Present.
- I don't want to bother with this.
It looks too complicated.
Let it wait.
Wasn't I supposed to marry
some people?
- Where are they? Wasn't that for today?
- If Your Honor please-
Just be still.
Aren't you the party that was doing
all that whispering down there?
- Well-
- Just be quiet.
What do you mean, "the same fellow"?
This is a petition.
- Well, his wife is the one that-
- Oh, really?
Where does it say that?
Well, what do you know about that?
- Are you, uh, Nicholas Arden?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- I am, Your Honor.
- Aren't you represented by counsel?
I'm a member of the bar, Your Honor.
I'm presenting my own case.
Oh, trying to save yourself
a buck or two, huh?
Here. "Airplane crash
in Pacific Ocean."
Uh, yes, sir. My wife was aboard the plane
that was forced down in the storm.
It's been five years, Your Honor.
This is a petition
to have her declared legally dead.
Is that what it says in here?
- Sorry, sir.
- Not at all. It was very nice of you to tell me.
Now let's see what I can find.
"Ellen Wagstaff Arden.
Two infant children."
Oh, how tragic.
That's sad. Very sad.
Two little babies, and you let her
fly off to a watery grave?
Well, we both flew off, Your Honor.
Uh, I had business in Australia.
She'd had so much trouble with the children-
the teething and all- that I took her with me.
Yes, it says so here.
Let's see.
"En route from refueling stop...
forced down in rough seas."
Let's see here. "Life raft."
Young woman...
would you stop jangling those cowbells?
You mean these, Your Honor?
If I hear one more jingle jangle,
I'll really get after you.
There's such a thing
as contempt of court, you know.
- Weren't you in the same life raft?
- Well, no, sir.
The women took the first rafts.
The men took what were left.
We were all separated
during a storm.
- It's all right here in the brief.
- Keep your hands out.
Is something wrong, Your Honor?
Yes, there's plenty wrong.
My arthritis is killing me.
And your jabbering isn't helping me
get out of here any faster.
- Now, just stick to the facts.
- They're in my brief.
Then stop interrupting
and let me read them!
Is there any proof of loss?
Uh, page seven, I believe.
I see.
Oh, that's page four, Your Honor.
I know it's page four.
It says "page four" right here.
Oh, yes. Here it is. It's page seven!
Any depositions?
Uh, they begin here on page-
Where'd you study law anyway?
- Harvard, sir.
- Yeah? Might have known.
A Yale man myself.
Well, let's see. "Husband"-
Your Honor will see that there is, uh,
no opposition to this petition.
And all survivors agreed that, uh-
- "Said Ellen Wagstaff Arden
had been swept overboard-
- Swept overboard...
"Before aid could reach her.
- Deposition appended."
- Quiet!
- Well, I'd like to explain, sir.
- There's nothing to explain.
Testimony is here. Sworn affidavits.
No evidence to the contrary.
The law is clear.
I hereby pronounce
Ellen Wagstaff Arden legally dead.
Wasn't I supposed to marry somebody?
Yes, Your Honor.
- Us.
- What? Already?
Well, it's been five years, Your Honor.
Five seconds in the eyes of the law.
Your wife wasn't dead
until I said she was dead.
Sure you don't want more time
to think about it?
- Oh, I'm sure he doesn't.
- I didn't ask you, young lady.
Your interruptions have been
prolonging this case...
and causing me extreme mental
and physical discomfort.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
I know how painful arthritis can be.
Oh, you do?
Do you know the kind I've got?
Where your bones begin to crumble
like old peanut brittle?
Has Your Honor
ever considered psychotherapy?
Are you one of those couch nuts?
Well, if you mean psychoanalysis...
surely Your Honor doesn't discount
the contributions Freud has made...
to the relief of human suffering.
Freud's dead,
probably from arthritis.
Now, just be quiet, if that's possible.
Well, are you gonna
answer the question...
or is she going to talk for you
the rest of your life?
- I've forgotten the question, Your Honor.
- Darling, he asked you-
Uh-uh-uh!
I asked if you wanted
to marry this woman.
Why, certainly, Your Honor.
Harvard man.
Can we have some pictures, Captain?
This is front-page news.
- Five years on a desert island.
- Mrs. Arden! Mrs. Arden!
- Where you going?
- I've got to call my family.
Where's the nearest phone?
- Oh, the booth's over there, Mrs. Arden.
- Thank you.
- Oh! Does anybody have a nickel?
- Phone calls are a dime now.
- A dime? Why?
- Stamps are a nickel.
- Oh.
- Would you like for me to make the call?
- Break the news to them for you?
- Oh. Uh-
Five years.
It may be a bit of a shock to them.
Thank you very much, Captain,
but if you don't mind, I'd like to.
This is the greatest Navy rescue since we
fished Gordon Cooper out of the drink.
- You have dialed an incorrect number.
- Oh, Operator, are you sure-
Please be sure that you are calling
the right number and are dialing correctly.
- I know it's right, Operator.
- This is a recording.
- I-It's my home.
- You have dialed an incorrect number.
Crestview 5-4699 in-
Be sure you are calling the right number
and are dialing correctly.
- But it is the right number. It's always been our-
- This is a recording.
You have dialed an incorrect-
- Operator.
- Operator, I'm dialing Crestview 5-4699...
and a recording said that
I have dialed an incorrect number.
I know it's the correct number because for the
past eight years we have had the same number.
Crestview 5-4699...
is now 275-4699.
275-46- Oh! Whatever it is,
would you please get it for me?
- Thank you.
- You may dial 275-4699 direct.
- 275-
- 4699.
- Thank you.
- The area code is 213.
- What's the area code?
- 213.
- You may dial 275-4699-
- Wait.
By first dialing 213.
213-275-4699.
213-475-
- No. 213-275-4699.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Would you care to make a note of that?
Operator, would you just
wait a minute, please?
Does anyone have a pencil?
We can drive you home a lot faster
than you can get that call through, ma'am.
- Would you? Thank you.
- The navy's pleasure.
- Oh, but first we'd like to get some pictures.
- Pictures?
For the newspapers. Mrs. Arden,
you're a real public interest story.
Oh, no. Please don't.
No, I'd like to see my children first.
- Uh, y-you do understand that.
- Well, of course.
It'll be enough of an adjustment they'll
have to make without the worid looking on.
You take all the time you need,
Mrs. Arden.
- After all, this is the silent service.
- Thank you.
- We have a car waiting for you,
Mrs. Arden, right this way.
- Oh, good. Excuse me.
Oh, Dr. Schlick was so right.
I'm really ready for a ripe,
mature relationship now.
Is that why you married me?
- Just a prescription from your analyst?
- Don't be silly, darling.
I can hardly wait to get to Monterey.
Uh, you'll have to.
The State Highway Commission frowns
on commencing a honeymoon in a vehicle.
- Hmm?
- It's a moving violation.
Thank you very much.
Thank the whole United States Navy!
- It's your turn.
- I can beat you!
- No, you can't!
- Yes, I can!
- You missed! You missed!
- I did not.
You did too.
You stepped right on the crack.
I did not. Anyway, you made me.
You have to start over again.
You splashed water in my eyes.
No fair!
Stop splashing.
That's no fair.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Shh.
I'm walking a tightrope.
Oh, well, I see you are,
and you're doing very nicely.
Who are you?
I don't think you remember me,
but I remember you.
Are you a lady or a man?
- I used to be a lady.
- Are you a sailor?
Well, not really, no.
Some sailors helped Daddy
look for our mother once.
She drowned, in the ocean.
- Did she?
- Long time ago.
We're the only one in our whole school
who has a "drownded" mother.
Would you like to have her back?
Can't have her back. She's "drownded."
Like this- glug, glug, glug.
Um, tell me something.
Do you miss her?
Every Easter, Daddy takes us
to put flowers on her grave.
Her grave?
Don't be sad. She's not in the grave.
She's at the bottom of the ocean-
the deepest part.
Oh, I know.
Tell me about your school,
what you do and everything.
We're not supposed
to talk to strangers.
L- I'm not really a stranger.
I know your daddy.
- Our grandma too?
- Yes.
- She's inside.
- Well, first I wanted to see you.
- What for?
- Because I heard that you were both so pretty.
And you are so pretty.
Are you gonna cry?
She was crying, that lady.
- She was not.
- She was so.
Aw, she's just goofy.
You'll find a chicken
in the freezer, Maria...
and-and that is what
we are going to have for dinner.
- Freezer?
- In the freezer.
- Fro?
- A chicken for dinner.
Sabe?
Listen carefully, Mari-
We're going to have chicken,
you know?
- Chicken.
- "Cheeken."
- Ah, s, s, seora!
- Pollo. Bueno.
- Yeah. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
And there will be a man.
- Un hombre.
- Hombre?
- Come here. Aqu.
- Aqu?
To wash the windows.
Sabe "wash windows"?
- "Weendows"?
- S. "Weendows."
Wash the "weendows."
Oh. Here he is now.
I'll tell him myself.
I want him to start in the den.
And, Maria, you go get the pollo.
If you'll just follow me, I'll show you
where I want you to start.
Grace.
Now, don't get scared.
Grace!
Grace, darling?
Grace, darling, are you all right?
I'm sorry. For a minute
I imagined my daughter-in-
Yeah.
Oh, Grace! No!
Grace, don't do- Oh, Grace.
Grace. Oh, dear.
Grace? Grace!
Oh.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, Grace. Oh, Grace, I'm sorry.
Oh, Grace!
Oh, good heavens. It's true.
- Oh. Oh.
- Ellen, you're alive.
Yes, darling, I am. I am.
Oh, come on. Let me help you up.
Oh, I tried to call you
to break it to you gently...
but I-I couldn't get through.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
- Pinch me.
- Oh. Maybe I'd better get you a sip of brandy.
Make it a fifth.
- Ellen!
- What?
Where have you been?
On an island in the Pacific
and then on a submarine.
- Submarine?
- I'll tell you about it later.
But first, tell me, how's Nicky?
Nicky.
Grace? What is it?
He's all right, isn't he?
- Nicky's fine.
- Oh, thank God.
- Nicky's just fine.
- Oh.
Well, then what are you crying about?
Well, it's gonna be such a shock to him
to find out you're back.
Oh, I know it is, and we've got to
figure out a way to tell him.
- Yes.
- What am I gonna do?
Maybe I should call the office.
- Oh.
- I want to call him right now.
Uh, no! No, don't.
- Don't call him?
- Well, he's not there.
- Oh, are you sure?
- I'm sure.
- Oh. Where is he?
- Uh, have you seen the children?
Oh, yes, when I came in.
Oh, Grace.
Oh, they're so beautiful.
Did they recognize you?
Of course not, and I didn't know
how to tell them without Nicky.
- Where is he?
- Uh, perhaps first you'd better take a bath.
- I don't want a bath!
- Well, take one anyway.
- Grace, what's the matter with you?
- Matter?
- Are you hiding something from me?
- Hiding? Oh!
Me? Don't be silly.
Uh, maybe I'd better
get you that drink.
You know perfectly well
I don't drink.
- You will.
- Grace!
What are you trying to tell me?
Let me do that.
Now, what happened?
Um, Ellen...
Nick's married.
I'm sorry, dear.
I'm so sorry.
Ellen, you know...
Nick loves you more
than anything in the worid.
And nobody dreamed that you-
Five years is a long time, darling.
Can't expect a healthy man
to wait forever.
Just how long did he wait?
Until this morning.
This this morning?
Yes, about-
Ellen, you're not too late.
- Come on.
- Grace, what are you doing?
Calling the airline,
get you out on the next flight.
- What flight? Where?
- You'll be at the hotel before they arrive.
- I can't do that, Grace!
- Why can't you? You're his wife.
- So is she.
- She's his bride.
- What's the difference?
- A honeymoon.
And you're not
gonna let them have one.
But first we gotta find you
something to wear...
then I'll call
for the next flight to Monterey.
- Monterey?
- Yeah.
- You mean he's taking her to our hotel?
- Yes.
Doesn't that make you fighting mad?
Oh, no.
I think that's terribly sweet.
Oh, brother. You have been away.
Oh, we had such
a lovely honeymoon there.
Come on!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Keep the change.
- Uh, yes, ma'am?
- Pardon me. Has Mr. Nicholas Arden arrived yet?
- Oh, we're expecting him shortly.
- Oh.
- Would you like to leave a message?
- Oh, no, thank you.
I'd rather surp- I'll just wait.
No, please. Leave the makeup kit
straight up, quickly.
I believe you have
a reservation for me-Arden.
Oh, yes. Mr. Nicholas Arden.
And Mrs. Arden.
Mr. And Mrs. Arden,
how very nice to have you with us.
- Thank you, sir.
- Suite "A," I believe.
- Yes, Mr. Codd.
- "A"? Don't you have something else?
- Well, it's our very best.
After all, the honeymoon-
- I know, but I can't.
I mean, I'd rather not.
You must have something else.
"C." It's not quite as large,
and it hasn't been redecorated as late-
I'll take it.
Boy.
Suite "C" for Mr. And Mrs. Arden.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, Mr. Arden.
I, uh-Well, it's not that I have
anything against Suite "A."
I've been there before. You know.
- That'll be all. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Uh, would there be anything else, sir?
Uh, no. No, thank you. That's all.
- Uh-
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir!
- Good evening, Mr. Arden.
Shall I serve this on the terrace?
Hey. What's that?
- Who ordered the champagne?
- There's a message, sir.
- Where is she?
- She's down in the cocktail terrace, sir.
Oh, darling. Champagne!
How sweet.
I- I thought you might like some.
As if we really needed it.
Will there be anything else, sir?
- Uh- Darling, I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?
- I have to get some change.
- Oh, darling.
We can take care of that later.
Oh, of course.
Uh, enjoy the champagne. Good evening.
His...
and hers.
To us.
Darling, I'm the one who's supposed
to be nervous. I'm the bride.
Well, that's what makes me nervous.
I- I mean-
Sweetheart, l- I need some cigarettes.
I better go get some.
- I've got some cigarettes in the bedroom.
- Filter tips?
- Yes.
- Can't stand filter tips.
Oh, I'll snip them off for you.
Uh, honey, i-it's-
Well, I need a shave.
Oh, such a compulsive
flight from reality.
- You don't need a shave.
- I do.
Y- It relaxes me.
All right then.
You shave here, and I'll watch.
Like Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.
It's not the shave, Albert-
I mean, it's the massage.
It's what they do to your face
with their fingers.
Well, I have fingers too.
But not hot towels!
I'll be right back.
From the barber stairs-
Down shop- Stairs!
- Oh, my dear. Don't push me.
- I'm sorry.
Don't push me.
Ellen?
Ellen?
Oh, Ellen, it is! Yes.
Oh, darling.
That's all I wanted to know.
Oh!
- Oh, Ellen. I couldn't believe-
- Hold me, darling.
Good Lord, Ellen. What happened?
We searched for you.
We looked for you.
- How did you-What-
- Nicky.
I can't tell you about five years
in two seconds, darling.
Besides,
you have much more to tell me.
Oh, you know about Bianca.
- Oh, Nicky, how could you?
- How could I?
- The minute my back was turned.
- The minute? Well-
I thought you loved me.
All those years-
You know I love you.
Oh, Nicky.
We have such problems, don't you?
- Problems?
- Yes.
What about..."Binaca"?
- Bianca.
- Bianca.
It's all right, sweetheart.
I'll take care of everything.
How, darling?
Well, simple. I'll just tell her.
- When?
- Well-
Well, first,
before we do anything else...
we better get you a room.
- Yes, Mr. Arden?
- I'd like a room, please.
Yes, of course-
- Another room?
- Yes.
Darling, do you think that maybe-
Is Suite "A" available?
Suite "A"?
- Suite "A"?
- Yes.
I believe Suite "A" is unoccupied,
isn't it?
Suite "A."
Boy.
Thank you.
I'd like to know
what he thinks he's doing.
- I'd like to know how he does it.
- Y-
Barbershop?
Mr. Nicholas Arden, please.
Oh?
Well, how long has he been gone?
Well, he must have been there.
Are you sure?
Thank you.
Operator?
- Hello.
- Operator, would you page Mr. Arden, please?
Mr. Nicholas Arden.
Thank you, Mr. Arden.
Oh! Oh, my darling!
- Nicky. Now, don't, Nicky.
- Darling.
Now, please don't take advantage of me
just because I'm a woman.
- Oh, you're my wife.
- One of them.
Yeah. I really have to
do something about that.
- Yes.
- I really do.
- When?
- Hmm?
When?
Well, it-it- it won't be easy.
Uh, it's going to take
a great deal of diplomacy...
tact, finesse.
She's a very emotional girl.
When?
Well, I need a little time, Ellen.
After all, she married me
in good faith.
She expects the marriage to last longer
than six hours, you know.
Nicky?
I want to ask you something.
Are you in love with her?
I love you, and you know it.
- But you must have told her you love her.
- Huh?
Didn't you, when you proposed?
Oh. Oh, well.
- Of course you did!
- Well, I suppose, but I never stopped loving you.
You stopped long enough
to get married!
You have to see
the whole picture, darling.
- I saw the whole picture, and she's very pretty.
- All right. She's pretty!
Well, if you had really loved me,
you'd have married an ugly girl.
For crying out loud, Ellen,
how did I know you were still alive?
I couldn't take a chance on getting stuck
with an ugly girl the rest of my life.
Yes?
Oh. Yes. It's for you.
Hello.
Mr. Arden, you are being paged
all over this hotel.
I believe Mrs. Arden
is trying to locate you.
- O-Oh. Thank you.
- Shall I put the call through there?
No, no! Don't put it through here.
No. I-I'll call her.
Please see that you do.
Yes, thank you.
Front desk. Mr. Codd.
Haven't you got a detective or someone
who can find my husband, Mr. Codd?
Or must I call the police?
No. No, no. No, no, no, no.
No, I'm sure he's here in the hotel somewhere.
Believe me, we'll locate him.
Well, would you please hurry?
I'm terribly concerned!
I assure you, madam,
I am just as concerned as you are.
Nicholas!
It's the maid. Do you want me
to turn down the bed?
Get out. Get out! Get out! Get out!
Sweetheart, you don't understand.
A man can't just bust in
on the woman he's just married...
and tell her that his dead wife
has come back.
He certainly can, if he loves
his dead wife who's come back.
If he loves her?
Now, that hurts, Ellen.
That really hurts.
Y- You wouldn't say that...
if-if you'd seen the memorial service
we had for you.
Memorial service?
There were over 200 people there.
It was the most beautiful service
that I've ever attended.
Really?
I-I-I sent a blanket of carnations...
that covered the whole altar.
Oh, Nicky.
What-What color?
Your color- pink.
Pink.
After the choir sang...
a hush fell over
the- the whole church...
as Dr. Slocum came forward
to deliver the eulogy.
What did he say?
Oh, what every one of us knew.
That you were an ngel on Earth...
a wonderful mother, a devoted wife...
credit to the community...
and a darn good sport.
Oh, Nicky. Really?
Me?
There wasn't a dry eye
in the congregation.
Oh. Gosh, I wish I'd been there.
If you had been there,
there wouldn't have been a service.
Oh! That's right.
Oh.
Uh, Nick.
Um, what about the, um...
insurance?
- What about it?
- It was $100,000, wasn't it?
No, 50. I'm a hundred.
Oh. Did you collect it?
Not yet.
You weren't legally dead
until this morning.
And you didn't claim it right away.
Well, I never even thought about it.
Oh, Nicky. You do love me!
Oh, sweet-
- May I see you for a moment?
- Well, what is it?
Mr. Arden, as a resident manager
of this hotel...
I find it my duty to inform you
that when a man takes a room here...
we expect him to go to that room
with his own wife.
We do not expect that wife
to be paging him constantly...
when he is next door
dallying with another woman.
Dallying? Oh, he's not dallying.
- Please, madam, do not interfere-
- Mr. Codd.
- We will not be made a party to intrigue.
- Oh, now wait a minute!
This establishment's maintained
a reputation for respectability for 25 years.
We do not intend
to lose it in one night.
Well, you could lose more than your reputation
with that kind ofloose talk.
Loose? My dear sir...
as a hotel manager
of many years experience...
I can sniff hanky-panky
in an air-conditioned building.
Hanky-panky? You get out of here.
I am leaving. I am leaving.
There's only one thing we ask.
That you restrict yourself
to one suite, one wife.
- That's the American way.
- Right.
- Ellen!
- I absolutely agree.
Oh? Fine.
Then you'll leave?
Leave? Why should I leave?
I'm Mrs. Arden.
- You are?
- Yes.
Tell him, darling.
And you allowed your husband to register
in this hotel with another woman?
- Why do you think I'm here?
- Oh, Ellen. Stop it!
Unless I'm very much mistaken,
you registered the first one as Mrs. Arden...
this one as Miss Wagstaff.
- He didn't think you'd notice.
- He-
I don't know what you two-
or you three- think you're doing...
but I insist that one of your women
leave this hotel at once!
Right. I absolutely agree.
Ellen! Look, I'll explain.
It's really a very simple situation.
You see, my wife- my bride-
She's my wife.
What my husband is trying to tell you
is that he has two wives.
- Yes!
- I don't care if he has 10 wives.
As long as he's in this hotel,
he will have only one wife-
the one that he registered here
as his wife- his first wife.
- His second wife?
- You're confused.
- Yes!
- I can explain it.
You do that, darling.
First him, and then to her.
- See you later, sweetheart.
- I'll be right back.
Not while I'm manager here.
I'll have to go down for the key.
- Mrs. Arden.
- Yes?
I found your husband.
It's certainly high time.
I'm awfully sorry I had to bother you.
Thank you very much. It was very-
Where have you been? I've never
been so humiliated in my whole life!
Oh, now, Bianca. I was down in the lobby,
and I ran into someone.
An old buddy.
I don't care who you ran into! Leaving me
here all alone for some old army buddy!
Navy. It was a navy buddy.
Oh, Nicholas!
You've been gone for hours.
It wasn't hours. Only a few minutes.
You just don't love me anymore.
I've been so miserable!
- Now, please, Bianca, don't be so upset.
- How do you expect me to feel?
You're just like all the others. Every husband
I ever had- only thinking of themselves.
I was thinking of you.
The problem never left my mind.
"Problem"? Problem!
Now all I am to you is a problem!
Well, if that's all I am to you,
you can just go jump in the lake!
- Put that down, Bianca!
- Don't you bully me!
Making me call
all over the hotel for you!
You're selfish! That's what you are!
You're selfish, selfish, selfish!
- Lower your voice, Bianca.
- I don't care if the whole hotel hears me!
I hate you!
Hold it!
Oh, the poor thing. He told her.
Hold it!
I hate you.
- Bianca, please.
- I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
- Where are you going?
- Outside. Have a drink.
Nicholas, please don't leave me.
Don't you care about me anymore?
Nicholas. Look at me.
How can you ignore me?
I'm not ignoring you.
I'd like to talk to you, but sensibly.
Then you do still love me!
Oh, Nicholas, why do you always
make me feel so insecure?
Stop squirming, darling.
- I'm not squirming.
- Oh, poor baby's trembling.
I'm not- I'm not trembling.
Now, please, Bianca, don't do that.
Oh, I can't help it.
You're so male. Hmm.
- No, please, Bianca, don't do that.
- I can't help it.
What was that?
- Just noisy neighbors.
- Noisy?
Or nosy? Let's go inside.
- Good idea.
- To the bedroom.
Don't you da-
What nerve.
I think they're having a party over there.
Bianca. Bianca,
I have something to tell you.
- I just don't know where to begin.
- Why not begin in there?
Well, it won't be easy.
Oh, it will be
if you don't worry about it.
Bianca, my dear, life-
Life is very strange. Yes.
Uh, things that we don't expect
to happen sometimes happen when
we least expect them to happen.
You know what I mean?
You don't know what I mean.
Bianca, uh, marriage-
marriage is a very sacred state.
Oh, yes, darling.
Yes, and a-a man's wife
means more to him...
than- than anything
in the worid means to him.
- Oh!
- Tell her.
- Trying.
- What?
I'm trying to say that- that a man-
When a man has one wife...
a man should be faithful
to that one wife.
Oh, darling, I'll always trust you.
Let's go inside.
- Oh! Oh!
- What in heaven's name is going on over there?
- I'll go quiet them down.
- Oh, no, you don't.
You're not leaving me again,
not tonight.
Now, you just get comfy, darling.
I'm comfy. It's just that
I wanted some champagne.
I'll get it, while you slip
into your pajamas.
- Good Lord, Ellen! Go away!
- What is going on?
- What is going on in there?
- I'm trying to tell her.
- Oh, is that what you're doing?
- Yes!
- Nicholas!
- You-
- Bianca, l-
- You put your coat on again.
I had to answer the door.
Oh. Who was it?
- The maid.
- Again?
Oh, I'll turn the bed down myself...
in a minute.
- What a persistent woman!
- Yeah. I'll get it.
Don't you- Don't you ever
slam that door in my face again.
Lipstick! You kissed her!
- She kissed me.
- Then why did you start to undress?
Ellen, things are tough enough as it is.
Just give me time to soften her up.
Five minutes?
Four.
Don't you think we should
order some dinner?
Oh, I'm not hungry... yet.
- Bianca, we have got to talk.
- In bed.
No!
All right. All right! Now let's talk.
- With your clothes on?
- I can do it better with my clothes on, believe me.
Come on, darling. Take off your shirt.
- No, don't, Bianca. Don't. Don't, Bianca.
- Oh, darling. Come on.
No, Bianca. Bianca!
- Now, don't.
- Oh, baby.
Now that's-
That tickles. Oh, don't!
Don't, Bianca. Don't, Bianca. Oh, now-
Oh, don't!
Oh!
No. Don't! Bianca! No.
Bianca. Now-
Bianca, when I asked you to marry me...
conditions existed
of which I was not aware.
Therefore, well-
Something very unusual
has happened to me. Well, to you.
To all of us!
Oh, this hotel is impossible.
Not her again.
It must be. It is!
Nicholas! You come back here!
- What happened?
- I'm going to see the manager.
Nicholas?
The next plane to Los ngeles
is at 7:30.
- You think I can make that?
- There are taxis just outside, Mrs. Arden.
It's Miss Wagstaff.
Uh, Ellen.
- Ellen!
- The name is Seymour.
Ellen, be reasonable.
You're being very unrealistic.
Where do you think you're going?
Home to my children, where I belong.
Ellen, wo-would you
just wait a minute?
To the airport, driver. Please hurry.
Ellen, darling, just give me
a little bit of time.
How much time do you need
to say, "My wife is alive"?
Four little words!
Go practice them!
Driver, hurry.
"My wife is alive."
"My wife is alive. My wife is alive."
So's mine, buddy.
That's why I drink.
- Hello?
- Uh- Bianca?
Nicholas! Where are you?
What happened? Where did you go?
Sweetheart, I, uh-
Well, an important case came up...
and I have to rush back
to Los ngeles.
Los ngeles?
Oh, Nicky, you can't leave me now!
Not tonight.
Please, darling. I need you.
I'm so alone and so confused.
Please come back.
If you leave me now,
I'll just go completely to pieces!
Your husband should be
old enough to know...
how dangerous jumping
frisky young fillies can be.
Oh, Doctor.
Me? I'm not a doctor.
I'm an ambulance driver.
You're a doctor now.
Nicholas!
- Oh, Nicholas! What have you done to me?
- To you?
Of all times to hurt your back.
Children, what are you doing up there?
Nothing, Grandma!
Well, stop it this instant.
And get undressed and get into bed.
You'd better get some sleep yourself.
You're wearing a trench in that carpet.
Oh, I could strangle him!
Why not Bianca?
That would solve the situation.
It's not her fault. Nick is to blame!
I never want to speak to him again.
Never.
- You oughta say a few words to him.
- Yeah.
While you're strangling him?
- Oh, Grace. This is not funny.
- I know, dear.
He hasn't even called.
Well, he will. He'll do the right thing
at the right time.
The right time was three hours ago
in Monterey.
- Why didn't you tell her?
- Because it's not my place. It's his place.
- And if he really loves me, he'll tell her.
- Don't be impatient.
Impatient? He's had hours!
You had just as long
to tell the children who you are.
Oh, Grace, how can you
compare the two things?
It's different with children.
Why, think of the shock
it might have on them.
Think of the shock it's had on my child.
Child? Ugh! Nick is not a child.
No. He's not that smart.
- Hmm.
- He's only a man.
- Grandma, we're ready!
- Okay, giris.
Uh-
Why don't you go up and tuck them in?
Oh, Grace, I'm scared.
For heaven's sakes, Ellen.
They're your own children.
Yes, but they don't know that.
What can I say to them?
Be natural. What did you used to do
when you put them to bed?
Read, sing,
tell them a bedtime story?
Do you remember any of them?
- Some of them.
- Maybe they will too.
- Grandma!
- Grandma, we're ready!
- She did not!
- She did too!
- She did not!
- She did too!
Who did too... not?
Where's Grandma?
Grandma's busy downstairs.
She's supposed to tuck us in.
I can do that.
Really, I can.
I've tucked in lots of little giris in bed,
a long time ago.
I read them bedtime stories...
sang 'em lullabies.
And I kissed them good night.
Were they your little giris?
Yes.
You gonna cry again?
Don't cry.
It's not hard to tuck us in.
All right.
Snuggle down,
and I'll tell you a story.
I want Grandma to.
- I know lots of stories.
- Which ones?
Well, I know
"Little Red Riding Hood"...
and I know "Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs."
Ah, that's just kid stuff.
Here.
Read The Enchanted Bicycle.
I hate that. Bianca gave it to us.
Oh.
Well, let's see now.
- I know a song.
- What kind of song?
A go-to-sleep song.
Let's see if you remember it.
No.
Read The Enchanted Bicycle.
I wanna hear the song.
But first I have to go to the bathroom.
All right. Hurry up. Real fast.
She always has to go
to the bathroom.
Is that the phone?
Grandma'll get it.
What's that?
This? It's a locket.
What's inside?
Pictures of people I love most
in the whole worid.
- Who?
- You want to see?
Okay, I'm ready.
Okay.
Oh, dear.
- Would you like to see the locket?
- Aren't you gonna sing?
Oh. Yes.
Darling,
do you remember that song?
- I heard it someplace.
- Where?
On the radio, I think.
I don't like it.
Are you gonna stay here?
Would you like me to?
Where would you sleep?
Well, in the guest room.
Bianca's gonna sleep there.
No, she's gonna sleep in Daddy's room
because she's our new mother.
I don't want her to.
Don't you want a mother?
- No. Just Daddy.
- Yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
Moo! Moo!
- Ah! Leche.
- Leche.
- S, seora.
- Grace. Grace.
You'd better start studying Spanish,
or learn to play charades.
- Who was that on the phone?
- Oh. Yeah, sit down, Ellen.
It was Nick.
He's not coming home.
- He is coming home.
- Well- Oh, then he told her.
- Grace, he told her.
- Actually, it was Bianca who called.
- Bianca?
- Now, don't get excited, honey.
Nick's had a little accident.
N- Nothing serious.
- He hurt his back.
- His back?
He could've slipped or something.
Well, he could have.
And they'll be here
first thing tomorrow morning.
- You mean he's gonna bring that woman here?
- Shh!
- In my house?
- Simmer down, Ellen.
- You'll upset the children
and make a worse mess of things.
- Oh!
There must be some way
to handle this.
What do you want me to do,
hide in the attic?
Don't be silly.
There's a very simple solution.
- What?
- You can go to a hotel for a couple of days.
- I will not be thrown out of my own house!
- Shh!
This is as much my house
as it is his.
- How can we explain your being here?
- Leche!
- Gracias.
- Por nada. Por nada. Por nada. Y por nada.
Why don't you let her go
and make me the cook?
Oh, I can think of some lovely dishes
to make for them.
No, dear. We'd better think
of something else.
Jenny! Jenny!
You forgot your sweater!
Oh, dear.
Ellen!
Ellen?
Ellen! They're here.
For heaven's sakes, Nicky!
You look terrible.
I feel terrible.
Well, don't you worry, Son.
We'll take care of you.
Oh, I'll take care of him.
No. I will be the one to take care.
- Who's that?
- Uh, that's Miss Svensson.
- Uh, she's Swedish.
- Svensson?
Uh, the nurse I engaged for you.
Ja. My name is Greta Svensson.
Is Swedish name. You call me Greta.
Well, Nicholas doesn't need
a nurse, Mother Arden.
- I'm gonna call Dr. Schlick for him.
- The psychiatrist?
Oh, yes. I'm sure his trouble
is psychogenic.
He has a deep-seated anxiety neurosis.
Deep-seated?
In his back?
Well, you see, l-
I just had an accident.
I was running down some-well,
up some stairs- and I tripped and fell.
- I had all my clothes on at the time!
- Uh, Nicholas, dear-
It was early last night-very early-
just before dinner even.
Darling, you don't have to explain
anything to Miss Svensson.
- Oh, but I do. She's here to help me, isn't she?
- Oh, yes.
Ooh, ja.
And give good Swedish massage.
Don't worry, lady.
I fix his aching back. Uh, come.
Uh, well, thank you. But first, would you
go out and bring our luggage in?
- Me?
- Well, of course you.
Come, Nicholas.
Darling, I've never seen
the bedrooms in this house.
- How many have we?
- Not nearly enough.
Oh! I'll be right up, dear,
as soon as I call Dr. Schlick.
Just wait'll I get my hands on him.
Now, now, Ellen. Temper, temper.
Everything's working out just fine.
Fine? How dare she come in here
and order me around!
I'll have a little talk
with her about your duties.
And I'll have a talk with him about his.
Well, uh, when Dr. Schlick is free,
would you have him call me...
at... 235-4505, please?
Thank you.
Mother Arden!
I thought the nurse was doing that.
She helped. But, uh, she's going
to give Nick his massage.
Oh, here, Ellen. Here.
- Let's talk-
- You just keep away from me.
You had all night to tell her.
All night!
I've tried to tell her, believe me. L-
- Here, would you get me out of this straitjacket?
- Let her get you out.
- She got you into it.
- Nobody got me into anything.
Nothin' happened. Why do you think
I went to all this trouble?
- Faking a bad back!
- Faking?
I don't believe you.
Here. Does it look like
I've got a sprained back?
Nicholas!
It works.
- What works?
- Greta's massage.
- So soon?
- Yeah, how about that?
Oh, ja. Special Swedish massage.
- Isn't she marvelous?
- Marvelous?
It- It's almost a miracle.
Was no miracle.
Was just the touch in fingers.
Oh, I give you massage too.
Very good after long drive.
- Well, I don't know. I really don't usually-
- Oh, ja, ja.
- I fix you just like husband.
- What?
Uh, Miss Svensson, uh-
- I don't think that you-
- Oh, ja, ja, it be fine.
Give you chance
to talk with your son.
- Oh, yes, see that he rests, Mother Arden.
- Come. Come.
You must take off your clothes. Mmm.
What's going on around here?
Where'd she ever get such an idea?
A nurse. And Swedish.
Necessity is the mother of invention...
and I was the mother who invented it.
- Are you out of your mind?
- Just a little.
I can't quite seem to adjust to two
daughters-in-law for only one son.
Well, as long as you had only one,
why did it have to be me?
Ja. Lie down here on the bed, miss.
It's missus.
Your husband's mother tell me
you been Mr. Arden's second wife.
Mm-hmm. He was a widower.
- Ja.
- That's nice.
His poor wife lost
in the airplane accident.
- My mother-in-law likes to chat.
- Ja.
I was thinking before-
What if Mr. Arden's
first wife didn't was dead?
What an idea!
When I was a little girl in Sweden,
I went once to the movies.
Poor Cary Grant thought
his first wife was dead...
so he married another lady.
But Irene Dunne,
who was the first wife...
she come back.
Movies. When do movies
ever reflect real life?
Ja. But suppose
Mr. Arden's first wife...
was to come back
like Irene Dunne done- did.
- What would happen?
- Nothing would happen.
She'd still be legally dead
in the eyes of the law, and as long as she-
Ow! Not- Not so hard!
But if she was dead by law
and alive by everything else, then what?
I couldn't care less.
Mr. Arden's mine now.
She'd just have to go back
to where she came from.
- Ooh!
- Ow!
- She would? She would?
- Ow! Ow!
It's just what you need!
- It's good for you!
- Stop it!
All right, Mom. I'll tell her.
About time.
- First, I'd better have a cup of coffee.
- Oh, Nick.
Ow! Don't do that. Ouch!
Stop that! Nicholas. Help me!
Is good special Swedish massage!
I walk up and down your back!
On my back?
With your shoes on?
- Is- Is wonderful for the spine!
- Ow!
- Nicholas!
- Good for you.
- Nicholas!
- What's going on? Get off of there.
Mom, help her.
- Let go of me!
- There must be some mistake.
- Just behave.
- I want her thrown out of here!
Quiet. Quiet.
Quiet!
- Don't tell me to be quiet!
- You shut up and sit down!
- I want that woman thrown out. She's a fake.
- You shut up too!
- Did you call me a fake?
- Get back over there!
I don't want that woman here!
For your information, Bianca,
this woman is not "that woman."
It's time we had an understanding.
Damn it, I can't fire her.
- Why can't you?
- Because-
Because-
Because there's someone at the door!
- Morning. Your name Arden?
- Oh, yes, it is, but-
Prokey's my name. Clyde Prokey.
I'm with American Accident and Life.
Hey, hey. This is quite a nice little place
you got here, Arden.
I don't have time to talk
about insurance this morning.
I'm not selling insurance, Mr. Arden.
I'm with the Claims Division.
My card. Clyde Prokey, adjuster.
Got a little matter here
requires a signature.
- All my policies are with the Eastern Life-
- Not your signature, Mr. Arden.
This is for Mrs. Arden. She here?
Well, which Mrs. Arden?
- How many you got?
- Well, uh, my mother. And there's my-
No. I mean your wife. The one
who was on that island for five years.
- How do you know about that?
- Well, that's my job to know, Arden.
Everything. Every little thing.
But don't worry.
Your secret is safe with Clyde Prokey.
I'm a married man myself.
Now where is the little lady?
Uh, well, Mr. Prokey, I don't think
we should disturb her just now.
- Things have been
a little complicated around here.
- Yeah. How about that!
Uh, now,
what are these papers about?
I gotta say, Arden,
I take my hat off to you.
I don't think I'd be
taking it as calm as you.
Believe me, I haven't had a calm moment.
Let's see the papers.
What's to see? Just an affidavit
for the missus to sign.
What kind of affidavit? She won't sign
anything unless I've seen it first.
You lawyers. Okay, here.
Affidavit that Stephen Burkett
is indeed alive...
so his family will return
the insurance money.
Routine, Mr. Arden. Just routine.
Uh, who is this Stephen Burkett?
The guy they rescued
off the island with your wife.
Aw, gee, fella. Sorry.
L- l- I thought you knew.
Oh, of course I know.
Knew. Burkett.
Steve. Yes.
Yeah, he seems like a nice guy.
Straight shooter. Called us about
his insurance the day he got back.
- He did, huh?
- Yeah.
I, uh, buzzed over to see him yesterday
at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Looks none the worse for wear.
Must've been a rugged experience,
the two of them alone there on that island.
- I guess he told you all about it?
- Well, not all.
After all, he is a gentleman.
I mean, uh, h-he thinks
the worid of your missus.
Says she's a warm, wonderful woman.
- And a darn good sport.
- That figures.
I mean,
it takes two intelligent people...
to turn a Pacific island into,
uh, the Garden of Eden, right?
Right.
Uh, Mr. Prokey, I'll keep your affidavits.
I'll send them to you in the mail.
No, no, they've got to be signed
in my presence.
- Adam said she'd be most cooperative.
- Adam? Who's Adam?
- Burkett.
- It says Stephen Burkett.
Didn't she tell you about
that little gag they had going?
She called him Adam.
And he called her-
Mr. Prokey, do you mind leaving?
- Yeah, but I've got to get the affidavit signed.
- Go ahead. Out! Just get out!
What about the affidavit? I gotta get that signed.
- You ran away.
- Oh, yeah?
You're gonna stay right here
and listen.
- I am not!
- Well, that's a fine attitude for you to take.
- Oh! I don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh?
I wanna hear about you and Adam!
L- I meant to tell you about that.
Oh, you meant to tell me about it?
It was such a casual thing
that it just slipped your mind?
Well, I never had a chance.
Besides, it was... perfectly harmless.
Harmless?
You call "Adam and Eve" harmless?
He broke his leg in the crash,
and he was laid up for six months.
Oh. What happened to
the other four and a half years?
Don't you trust your own wife?
Oh, no. Don't try to change the subject.
I want to know the truth about Adam.
That's a joke!
Oh, sweet, gentle little Adam.
All he was interested in
is trees and flowers and fish.
You know the type.
Oh, yes, I know the type.
Only I don't believe it.
Nick, where are you going?
- I am going out!
- Nicky, you've got to stay here
and face this situation.
Oh, I'll face it,
when I get all the facts.
For heaven's sakes, Ellen, what did you
do to build such a fire under Nick?
Oh, Grace-
There was a man on that island with me.
How marvelous!
No wonder you look so well.
But you silly girl,
why did you tell Nick?
I didn't tell him.
He just found out.
Oh. Well, tell me then.
- I want to know everything.
- There's nothing to tell.
- Nothing?
- Oh, it's not important, Grace.
Well, it's important enough
to make Nick insanely jealous.
I know.
And he hasn't even seen him.
- Well, maybe he should.
- Oh, no!
I mean, uh-
Uh, l- I don't think so.
- Uh-
- I see.
Mm-hmm. Yes, I do see.
Grace, will you please stop imagining things?
You're worse than your son.
Maybe, uh...
you'd better go
and do some... shopping.
Shopping? Who can think
about clothes at a time like this?
I wasn't thinking of clothes, dear.
I had something else in mind.
A man?
Oh, Grace! Oh!
I can't do that.
You want to be a Swedish nurse
for the rest of your life?
- May I help you?
- Oh, uh, no, thank you.
Excuse me. Do you know
a Mr. Stephen Burkett?
Why, yes, sir.
That's him, on the trampoline.
Thank you.
- Young man.
- Oh, yes. May I help you?
- Oh, yes, I think so.
- Oh.
- What type are you looking for?
- You're just perfect.
- I beg your pardon?
- Uh, the shoe.
It's just perfect. Do- Do you have it
in a seven and a half"A"?
- Oh, yes, yes. This shoe comes in all sizes.
- Good.
- If you'll just have a seat, please.
- Thank you.
- Why, I'll go and get it for you.
- Thank you.
This model is exclusive with us.
It's your Bengal crocodile.
This is your true,
or saltwater, crocodile...
which is also found in South China...
Northern Australia and the Fiji Islands.
Uh, and then there's
your tropical crocodile...
which is found in Rhodesia
and parts of North America.
But they really make
quite inferior footwear.
Are you free for lunch?
That is, inferior footwear
is made from them.
The crocodiles themselves
have no talent for making footwear.
- I said, would you have lunch with me?
- I bring my lunch.
- I'd be very grateful.
- Braunschweiger sandwiches.
- You could be my guest.
- I'm married.
So am I.
- Oh, I don't think you understand.
- I understand, baby.
- You want the shoes too?
- Oh, no, no. Just lunch.
- Sure.
- I'll explain everything later.
- Oh. Oh, Mr. Arden-
- Not now.
But there's somebody waiting for you.
Nicky, darling.
I've brought someone for you to meet.
This is Adam.
Well, well. So this is Mr. Burkett.
Pleased to meet ya, Nick.
Yeah, and I to meet you, Adam.
- Well, that- that's a little joke, you know.
- Yes, isn't it?
Well, why don't we all sit down, huh?
Well, I, uh-
L- I really haven't much time.
I, uh- I'm making a report
to the Geographic Society...
on the flora and fauna
we found on the island.
I was really very excited
about the island vegetation.
I'm afraid I spent
so much time on research...
I was not very good company
for your wife.
- Well, I'm sure she understood.
- Of course.
Uh, Eve said you had some
questions to ask me, Nick.
Well, uh, let me see, uh-
What kind of an island was it?
Kind?
Uh, uh, well, I'd say it was a-
an ordinary island.
- Wouldn't you say?
- Oh, y- Oh, yes.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Small?
Well, not small. Not large.
- Medium.
- Medium. Medium.
Uh, jungle?
- Jungle?
- Well, y-you know, trees, vines.
Oh, trees!
Oh, golly, yeah, trees.
- Uh, no vines?
- Oh, uh-
V- Vines, yeah. Around the trees.
Uh, water?
Oh, yeah, water.
Uh, around the island.
Where'd you live?
The trees.
We lived- lived in trees.
- Oh.
- Separate trees.
Oh. Even during the rainy season?
- Oh, when it rained, we moved into caves.
- Oh.
Separate caves.
Well, uh, I guess Adam
had better be running along.
- Oh, must you?
- Well, I don't know. L-
Well, you know the Geographic Society
insists on punctuality, Adam.
And if Adam is anything, he's punctual.
A sterling quality.
Well, it's been nice meeting you, Adam.
- Hey, uh, we should get together sometime, huh?
- Yeah. That's a good idea.
Maybe we should make a night of it.
- Have some chow mein, go bowling or something.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thursday?
- Well, uh, Thursday-
- Oh, it's good to see you again, Adam.
- Bye.
- Good-bye, Adam.
- Good-bye.
- Real nice chap.
- Thank you.
There now.
- Satisfied?
- Completely.
Are you ashamed
of all those nasty suspicions?
- I blush at the thought.
- Oh, Nicky.
Imagine thinking
that sweet little man and I were-
Really!
Oh, sweetheart. Look-
Now that you're here,
why don't we go for a drive...
and maybe stop for
something to drink, huh?
Oh, I'd love it.
Um, will you let me drive?
- Oh, sure.
- I need the practice.
Mm-hmm. Shall we go together
or in separate cars, hmm?
Whew. I didn't do too badly, did I?
Oh, no. Except when
you made that left-hand turn...
you signaled
with your windshield wipers.
It's all those buttons, Nicky.
They confuse me.
It's like learning all over again.
Well, that's civilization for you, Eve.
- Two, please.
- Right this way, please.
Oh, uh, why don't you sit there?
I'll sit here.
- Oh. Why?
- Uh, keep the sun out of your eyes.
I don't mind the sun.
Uh, what would you like, dear?
- Scotch? Martini?
- You know what I'd love?
Something I've been dreaming
about for five years-
a big, fat double-dipped
chocolate soda.
- And you, sir?
- Scotch, please.
- A big, fat double?
- On the rocks.
- You sure you wouldn't rather sit over here?
- I'm fine.
- Really, I love the sun.
- You're squinting.
I'm smiling.
On the back. Get it on the back.
A very attractive group of people here,
don't you think?
Oh, Nicky. You're funny.
Me?
You're trying so hard
to make conversation with me.
- Oh, well-
- Of course, we have been apart a long time.
Oh, Nicky.
I know it hasn't been easy for you.
- I mean, with Jenny and Didi.
- Oh, well, they're great kids.
Oh, they are. They're marvelous.
And you've just done the most
wonderful job of raising them.
Oh, kids aren't hard to bring up.
You just pretend they're someone else's.
But they're not someone else's.
They're ours.
Oh, and I can't seem to find
a way to tell them who I am.
Well, we'll work it out.
Nick, there's-
there's something that I'd-
I'd like to tell you.
Well?
Oh, I'm such a dope. And I meant well,
Nick, but I'm such a dope.
About what?
That man that I brought to your office
was not Stephen Burkett.
- Really?
- No. He was a shoe clerk.
And I paid him to say those things.
Oh, Nick, I thought if you met
the real Stephen Burkett...
that you just- that you just might-
I might what?
Well, I thought that you might think
what I thought you were thinking...
you know,
when you thought that- that-
Well, he is kind of attractive.
Burkett?
Oh, not to me. Not to me at all.
But- But some people
might think so.
And l- I was just so afraid-
so afraid that you might-
that you might be upset.
E- Ellen, let's get out of here.
- Oh, Nick, you are upset.
- I'm not.
- Please don't be.
- I'm not.
- You hate me. I know you do.
- I don't.
It's just I know where
they serve a better soda.
- Where?
- Oh, Ellen, come on.
Sir! Sir!
- Your doubles.
- You go ahead, Ellen. I'll catch up.
Here.
Eve!
Eve.
Baby! What are you doing here?
Me? What are you doing here?
Oh, just trying to unwind a little.
So that's why you brought me here!
Oh, Ellen,
it only appears that way-
- What a miserable, dirty rotten trick!
- Oh, honey, this can't be Nicky.
- Why can't it be?
- You just wanted to humiliate me, that's all.
- I'm Steve Burkett, old buddy.
- He knows perfectly well who you are.
- And he's a suspicious, narrow-minded, jealous-
- Let's go, honey.
- I'll explain in the car. You see-
- Explain what?
- How you deliberately made
a fool of me all afternoon?
- Ellen!
Man, she sure looks great in clothes.
I've got a few questions
for you, old buddy.
Uh-uh. I just sold exclusive rights
to my story to Life magazine...
old buddy.
Ellen. Ellen, wait! Ellen!
Hey, cab. Follow that car!
Oh, women! I'll never figure
them out if I live to be-
if I live!
- Talk up, mister. Don't mumble.
- Just keep your eye on the road.
- And catch that car, that's all.
- Catch that car.
Catch that nut before she kills herself.
- We could all go, mister.
- I'll double anything on the meter.
I can't spend it up there.
Oh. Oh, no. Shut the door.
Get me out of here!
Oh!
Oh, my hair!
Oh, help!
Oh, help!
Ellen!
I can't help myself, Dr. Schlick.
That's how I feel about my marriage.
Very well. I will have
a little chat with your Nicholas.
- If he arrives ever.
- Oh, you are such a comfort, Doctor.
You know, I truly believe...
the most vital relationship
a woman can establish...
is not between man and wife.
It's the relationship between
a woman and her analyst.
Don't you agree, Dr. Schlick?
Call me Herman.
Will you wait a minute, please?
Ellen. Wait!
Ellen, wait.
- We can settle this thing right here and now.
- Ooh!
Ow! Oh, Ellen, stop-
Ellen, come here. Listen to me.
- I said let go of me!
- Nicholas!
- See what I mean, Herman?
- You didn't say he was violent.
- Nicholas.
- What on earth is all this yelling about?
Nicholas, let that woman go!
- Not until she answers my question!
- I won't answer anything.
- You big bully!
- I want to know what happened on that island.
You don't have to know anything. You should learn
to trust your wife, with no questions asked!
- He doesn't trust you?
- Not her. Her. She's my wife!
- Oh.
- There! I said it. Are you satisfied?
- You're my wife!
- I was your wife!
- Oh, you poor dear boy.
- Oh, Mom, will you tell her Ellen's my wife?
- Who is this Ellen?
- She's my wife, stupid!
His first wife. She's dead!
- And that woman-
- That's the nurse I told you about.
A nurse from the Busy Bee Car Wash?
She is not a nurse!
These are her clothes.
She is Ellen Wagstaff Arden, my wife, stupid!
- Yes?
- You Nicholas Arden?
- Yes. What do you want?
- We have a warrant for your arrest.
Arrest? What for?
- Bigamy.
- Bigamy?
There, now do you believe me?
But he's not a bigamist.
Who made such a ridiculous charge?
- Yeah.
- A Mrs. Grace Arden.
- My... mother?
- That's right.
If you can't settle this mess,
maybe the courts can.
Quiet. Quiet!
Can't we have a little order in here?
Order. Order in the court.
I don't know why this has to be
the loudest court in the state.
Well, where's the district attorney?
Isn't this his case?
Yes, Your Honor.
I know he's the district attorney.
I know that.
Now, uh, what is all this?
Your Honor, in an effort to expedite matters
in this somewhat unusual hearing...
we pray decisions on a number
of legal actions filed concurrently...
all of which are components
of one basic familial disturbance.
Sounds like something the court of appeals
is going to reverse me on already.
If the bailiff will call the principals...
I will try to provide the court
with the various issues involved.
Nicholas Arden.
Mr. Nicholas Arden,
a respected member of the local bar...
is charged primarily with bigamy...
but is also a party
to one or two other actions.
- Haven't I seen you here before?
- Well, yes, sir.
- Mrs. Grace Arden.
- Tsk, tsk, tsk.
It is Mrs. Grace Arden who brought
the charge of bigamy against Mr. Arden.
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself, ma'am-
a woman your age marrying this man.
Marrying him?
I happen to be his mother.
You mean, your own mother
charged you with bigamy?
I certainly did!
I hope you remember this
on Mother's Day.
Mrs. Bianca Steele Arden.
Mrs. Bianca Steele Arden
is one of the wives of the defendant...
and is asking for an annulment
of that marriage.
- You look familiar, young lady.
- I hope so, Your Honor.
- You married me.
- No, I married a little, short, fat-
Oh, you-you mean to him.
Oh, yes. I remember you now.
You're that do-it-yourself
head-shrinker.
Please, Your Honor! Please!
May I object to that remark?
- Who are you?
- I happen to be Dr. Herman Schlick.
He's my analyst and my dearest friend.
And he's here to testify to my
emotional need for an annulment.
Yes, this man is completely unstable,
with definite schizoid tendencies-
Quiet. Nobody asked you
to testify, Doctor.
Just take your seat.
- Can he do that?
- It's all right, dear. Really!
- Did you say she wanted an annulment?
- I most certainly do.
Now even my marriages
are being reversed on me.
- What was wrong with it?
- Well, as usual in such cases-
- Un-kissed, you mean?
- Un-anything.
Harvard man.
Mrs. Ellen Wagstaff Arden.
Mrs. Ellen Wagstaff Arden,
who on the motion of Mr. Arden...
was declared legally dead, now petitions
the court to reverse that order.
Now, what bumbling idiot ever declared this
perfectly healthy-looking young woman dead?
- Well, you did, Your Honor.
- Oh.
Uh, strike my last remark
from the record.
When Mrs. Arden is declared
legally alive again...
she asks a divorce from Mr. Arden.
Well, if that's on my account,
you can save yourself the trouble.
It's no trouble. He's all yours.
I couldn't possibly
be less interested in the man.
Well, you seem to be back
in public domain, counselor.
In the event Mrs. Bianca Steele Arden's
petition for annulment is denied...
she also asks a divorce from Mr. Arden.
- On what grounds?
- Mental cruelty.
- Extreme mental cruelty.
- Oh, nonsense-
- Quiet.
- At the same time, Your Honor...
Mr. Arden is bringing countersuits
for divorce against...
Mrs. Bianca Steele Arden
and Mrs. Ellen Wagstaff Arden.
Against me?
How could you?
- You're doing it to me.
- That's entirely different.
Your Honor, against Mrs. Ellen Wagstaff Arden...
Mr. Arden names as corespondent,
Mr. Stephen Burkett.
Oh, Nicholas Arden, don't you ever
speak to me again as long as you live!
Come back here, young woman.
Where do you think you're going?
I will not stay here
and be humiliated by this- this-
You are going to stay here.
And don't argue with me.
I'll fine you $25 for contempt.
How can you fine a corpse?
I'm still legally dead.
Then I'll declare you legally alive.
If you do that before the annulment,
Your Honor, I'll be guilty of bigamy.
I should've played golf today,
arthritis and all.
I'm also asking
for a restraining order...
against the publication of Mr. Burkett's
story in a national magazine...
on the grounds that it may
hold me up to public ridicule.
Oh, really? What is the story?
- Well, I don't know it, Your Honor.
- You don't know it?
Well, no, sir. That's why I asked
for a subpoena for Mr. Burkett...
so he can tell his story in court.
- Stephen Burkett!
- That isn't necessary!
Would you like to change places
with me, madam?
Your Honor, do we have to discuss it here?
It isn't "revelant."
- Relevant.
- R-Relevant.
It so happens I consider it
entirely "revelant"...
and I consider you
entirely out of order.
- Now don't tax my patience.
- Good morning, Your Honor.
What's your story, Tarzan?
Well, sir, Ellen and I were both
survivors of that plane crash.
- Now, I'm a very strong swimmer-
- Never mind about your strength.
- Just get to the point.
- I'll do the questioning here, counselor.
Go on. After the crash,
what happened?
- Well, sir, when-
- Nothing happened.
- Twenty-five dollars.
- Can he do that?
He can do whatever he wants.
He's the judge.
That's right. Well?
Well, sir, I fished Ellen out of the water,
got her to that island...
where we stayed
until we were, uh, rescued.
- Oh? How long was that?
- Five years.
You two were on that island
together for five years?
And three days.
- Were they alone?
- Oh, just the two of us,
Your Honor-Adam and Eve.
- Is that in the brief?
- It is not.
Oh, that should be in the brief.
- That's the most interesting part of the case.
- Your Honor.
May I please have your permission
to get out of here before I explode?
I'd like to go home myself.
I'd like to tell my wife about this.
She thinks all my cases are dull.
This one's a doozy.
Now then, counselor,
we'll take first things first.
Uh, what is the first thing?
The charge of bigamy, Your Honor.
I have a precedent to cite.
The case of-
Never mind. I'm not interested in precedents.
My decisions are obvious.
When you married
the second Mrs. Arden...
the first Mrs. Arden
had been declared legally dead.
So I hereby dismiss the charge of bigamy.
Now, as for the second matter,
the "kissless" bride-
I hereby annul that marriage.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Now may I leave?
As far as I'm concerned, you may all leave.
And the sooner the better.
But, Judge, I'm still legally dead!
Oh, yes. I hereby declare
Ellen Wagstaff Arden legally alive.
Does that mean
she's married to him again?
You're darn right she's
married to me again- Still!
- I didn't ask you. I asked the judge.
- Leave me out of this.
- Case dismissed.
- Now wait, Your Honor. You can't do that.
- He can do whatever he wants. He's the judge.
- That's right.
- But you haven't heard the whole story.
- I don't have to hear it.
I'll take your petition for divorce
under advisement and let you know later.
How much later? I'd like to know
when Ellen's free to marry me.
- You hear that? Something
did happen on that island!
- Nothing happened!
- Ellen, tell them what-
- You keep quiet!
- Here! Here!
And you stop banging
that silly little hammer!
What are you beefing about,
anyway, old buddy?
You and Ellen were married for only three years,
while she and I were together for five.
- So I'm claiming her on the basis of seniority.
- Ooh!
Well, you can have her.
- Nicky!
- Baby.
See what you've done!
Look, let's you and me cut out
to my hotel and talk it over, huh?
For five years you've been a big fat pain
in the neck, chasing me around that island...
and I told you I never wanna look
at that wolfish face of yours again!
You're a smug, egotistical,
strutting peacock!
Well, then, uh, how about lunch?
For five years you went through
this kind of treatment?
My goodness.
- Where have you been?
- Where's Nicky?
I expected you back hours ago.
- Didn't he come home with you?
- After the way he stormed out of that courtroom?
I took a cab.
I've just made such a mess of everything.
And what about the children?
Well, they had to live without a mother
for a long time.
I suppose they can do without
a father around the house.
Oh, Grace. How will I ever
explain to them?
You just march yourself out there
and tell your children who you are.
Go on.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mommy.
Well, isn't it about time somebody
started kissing somebody around here?
Oh, Nicky!
- Hey!
- It's my turn.