1
- Good morning, Chief Fromm.
- Good morning.
- Halik.
- Yes, sir?
I thought it over.
I'm gonna recommend you
for that promotion.
Yes, sir.
That's very good news, sir.
Your record's unblemished.
You deserve it, Halik.
Yes, sir.
Now if you excuse me, sir,
I have to make my daily
quota of citations, sir.
Of course.
- See you around, Halik.
- Have a good day, sir.
What a tight ass.
- What did the Chief say?
- Hmm.
- I got my promotion.
- Good.
By the way,
I got my period.
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
- I feel good
- Whoa-oa-oa
I feel good...
- Ah-hoo!
- I feel good
I feel, I feel
- I feel good
- Whoa-oa-oa
I feel, I feel good
- I feel good
- I feel good
- Knew that I would
- I knew that I would, now
I feel good!
- Like sugar and spice
- I knew that I would
- So good, so good
- So good, so good
- I have you
- I have you
I feel good
I feel, I feel
I feel good,
ha-ha
I feel nice
- Sugar and spice
- Like sugar and spice
I feel nice...
sugar and spice
So good, so good, I got you
I feel good
I feel good, good
When I hold you in my arms
You know you can't
do me no wrong
When I hold you in my arms
- Your love can't
do me no harm
So nice, sugar and spice
I feel nice
Like sugar and spice
Feel good
I feel good, good
I feel so good,
I feel, I feel
I feel good
Whoo!
I feel so good.
Oh, great.
- Problem, officer?
- You littered back there.
- I did?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, you mean that apple?
I can explain that.
I was driving along
and hit this bump
in the road.
- The apple
bounced out of my hand.
- Never mind the song and dance.
Your driver's license
and registration, please.
Now wait a minute,
I hit this bump on the road,
the apple bounced.
It was right in my hand.
It bounced right out
the door.
Your driver's license
and registration, please.
You got it.
Let's see...
here we go.
- What is this?
- Oh,
that's my communist party
membership card.
I just joined
for the softball league.
Only team in the league
with cheerleaders.
Big fun.
Here we go.
- Is this you?
- Oh, yeah.
I photograph
a whole lot better
than I look.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Wait a minute,
you're really serious?
- You're really gonna
give me a ticket?
- I certainly am.
- For an apple.
- From the looks
of this vehicle,
I'm gonna write you
several tickets.
Several tickets?
Look, why don't we
just make this easy?
Why don't you just
pistol-whip me, okay?
If you don't
keep your mouth shut,
we're gonna deliver you
- right down
to the station-house.
- Fine.
Anything you say, sir.
I'm not a sir, I'm a ma'am.
Really?
Well, one of you should
wear a ponytail 'cause this
could get really confusing.
Come on, I don't go sniffing
around your things, do I?
- What is this powder?
- Fertilizer.
- Shit!
- Exactly.
You're in big trouble
now, mister.
Big trouble.
Oh, I can't believe
I'm taking up bowling.
I've never done
any kind of sport
in my life.
I'm sure you'll
enjoy it, ma'am.
Here's my car.
My doctor says I need exercise,
but I'm sick.
"I got a bad heart,"
I says to him.
Let me get this trunk for you.
Oh, I don't know
how I'm gonna
get these balls
out of here.
So anyways, he thinks
I'm a hypochondriac.
Yeah, how can I be
a hypochondriac when
I'm sick all the time?
If I die while bowling,
it's his fault.
Oh my god,
I'm three minutes late
for my pills!
Oh god! Am I dead?
I'm dead!
One cantaloupe...
$97.00
Jamie, come sit
on grandpa's lap.
I think I broke it.
- This is all I need.
- Yes, ma'am.
My fine friend, it certainly
is a fine day, is it not?
A fine day
in our fine kingdom.
Now it is finally time
for you to die!
- Aha-ha-ha!
- Oh, no.
Well, try this on
for size, Duke.
En garde!
- You are evil.
- You must be smitten.
Die, you Norman Pig!
You Saxon Dog!
- Help!
- Oh, no!
Hey, hey.
Hey, what the hell
are you kids doing?
Stop shaking
this thing.
What are you doing?
Hey, stop that!
Help, somebody stop this thing!
I can't stop this thing!
Oh my god, oh my god!
Help!
Oh my... help!
Help!
- Was that the number 12?
- Naw, just a puppet stage.
And Joey never hurt nobody.
Help! Somebody stop
this thing!
He was respected
by his fellow man.
Help!
- Take it.
- Here we go.
Let's get outta here.
The white zone
is for loading and unloading
of passengers only.
- No parking.
- Where's the bag?!
- Right here, ma'am.
- That's good.
Flight 502 now loading
at gate five.
Oh, over there.
Loretta.
Yoo-hoo, Loretta!
Yoo-hoo, Loretta.
- Over here, dear.
- Emma Jean, welcome home.
Oh, you look wonderful.
Love your tan! Yes!
Over here.
He's a black guy.
Oh! Why, of course.
Of course.
Well, just put the bags
in the back seat,
please.
Oh, I'm so glad
you're home, Emma.
- He's a black guy, you know?
- I know, but I came
to take you home.
- Let me drive.
- You're as blind as a bat.
Just don't
worry about it, okay?
Just get in the car, honey.
The white zone is for loading
and unloading
of passengers only.
No parking.
Flight 106 now departing
at gate seven,
immediate departure.
Last call for flight 106,
now leaving at gate seven.
Oh, well, dear,
I'm glad to see you too.
Yes, thank you, dear.
Oh, well, you've had
your hair done.
- You look lovely.
- Loretta!
Loretta!
The white zone is for loading
and unloading
of passengers only.
No parking.
My dear, are you ready?
- Yeah.
- We'll get you home
in no time.
Oh, I bet you will.
And remember
Mr. Parkins?
The man at the butcher's shop?
He was cutting a slice
of chuck steak or something,
- and he cut part
of his finger off.
- Oh, that's awful.
Oh, and the girls came
over last Tuesday for bridge.
- I won 15 bucks!
- Wow.
- Damn buses,
always in the way!
I hate driving
in this airport...
too much traffic.
Here we go. Come on, buddy,
Let's move it.
So that bingo game,
I'm telling you!
It was a wonder...
Oh, shit!
- Hey, Ernie, how is it going?
- Pretty good.
Hank?
Well, look who's here.
Mr. Cannon.
Wow, isn't this incredible?
Some higher power must really
want the three of us
to be together.
You got a car too.
Why is that?
You don't park any better
than you drive, do you?
- What are you talking about?
- This car is parked in front
of a hydrant.
Well, I can see that.
- Now I want you
to move this car.
- Why?
Because you're
breaking the law.
No, I'm not.
Deputy Morris,
I think this car is loaded
with violations, don't you?
Yeah.
Like this...
broken taillight.
Deputy Morris,
what about that
malfunctioning headlight?
How do you like that?
You guys are nutty.
I've had it with you, punk.
Gee, I just don't
understand it.
I always loved
you guys on "Chips."
What do you think
you're doing, Halik?
On their behalf, sir,
may I say that this car
was evil?
- Possessed of Satan,
it had to be dest...
- Shut up!
Well, sir, you see,
I asked him to move his car...
It's not his car, Halik.
It's not?
It's mine!
Yours?!
I'll see the both of you
first thing in the morning
in my office.
Uh-oh.
Sounds like trouble, kids.
Don't worry.
Don't let it get you down.
Life goes on.
You guys will bounce back,
I can feel it.
You're that kind of people.
Listen, I'll be seeing
you kids around.
Because you are all
repeat offenders,
having received many,
many violations before,
your licenses will be
held here by the clerk
in suspension,
and your cars are to be kept
in the county impound facility.
Your honor, are you saying
you're taking away
our licenses and
keeping our cars?
That's exactly what I'm saying.
- Whoa!
- Jesus.
- Question,
your viciousness.
- Excuse me?
You're excused.
Um, how do we get
our cars back?
That's very simple.
You are all sentenced
to traffic school.
After completing
the course,
which will meet five nights
over a one-week period,
you will receive
a certificate of competency
and your vehicles and licenses
will be returned.
I hit a casket
with a puppet stage.
What am I doing here?
That I would like you
to explain, your holiness.
Quiet!
If I may, I'd like
to approach the bench?
- Oh, you would,
would you, mister...?
- Cannon.
But you can call me Butch.
First, may I say that
black is a terrific color
for you, really?
Also, may I cite the case
of Abbot versus Costello?
- The United States versus...
- Shut up, Mr. Cannon.
Now, for all of you,
this traffic school is
your last chance
to retain
your driving privileges.
Your license will be revoked.
If you cannot drive
after 30 days,
all vehicles held
in the county impound yard
will be subject
to sale at auction
with all proceeds
from said sale
going to the county.
Court dismissed.
- I couldn't hear a thing.
- What happened?
I can't believe they're
gonna sell our cars.
- How can they do this?
- When you've got balls,
anything is possible.
You were very good in there...
"Abbot versus
Costello."
You obviously
have some formal
legal training.
Yeah, well,
I've been arrested
in several states,
so I guess
I know what I'm
talking about.
- I'm Dana Cannon.
- Amy Hopkins.
Well, I'll see you in class.
Whoa, is she sexy!
Yeah, but what are looks?
- I mean, she's no
rocket scientist.
- I forgot my glasses.
No, no, you got 'em on.
Oh.
Oh my god.
Thanks.
- Well, bye again.
- Um, listen,
I'm gonna be
taking a cab to the class,
so maybe I could
pick you up or something?
Oh no, that's all right.
I'll get somebody from work
to drop me off.
- Oh, where do you work?
- NASA.
I'm a rocket scientist.
Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
Did you see "Friday the 13th"?
No. No, I didn't.
What about the 13th 2, 3 or 4?
- What about 5?
- Missed them all.
It's too bad.
They were great.
A lot of bloody gory stuff.
Hey, uh, did you
like it more when...
when Clint Eastwood got stuck
holding the severed arm
in "Tightrope"
or when they cut
those guys' arms off
in "Scarf ace"?
Hmm, well, let's see...
Oh, there's my bus, gotta go.
Nice talking to you.
All right, people,
settle down. Quiet.
Find your seats, please.
Thank you.
Cut the chatter.
You too, Red.
Sit down.
I've got all your albums, man.
You're the greatest.
Good to have you on board.
Hi, how are you? Good.
Find your seats, please.
Come on.
Okay.
I'll be your instructor
for this evening.
Please rise.
Come on... up, up,
up, up, everybody.
Come on, come on,
don't be afraid.
This is gonna be fun.
You in the back,
what, do you want
a special invitation?
- You talking to me?
- Yes, you too. Uppity-up-up-up.
Relax. Enjoy.
Thank you.
This is gonna be fun.
You're gonna like this!
Come on!
All right,
everybody ready?
And...
breathe in.
- Blow out.
- Breathe in.
Blow out.
Very good. Shake it out.
Settle down, shake it out,
sit down.
Thank you, thank you.
Now if all the ladies would
be so kind as to take off
all their clothes,
- we could get
this class underway.
- Sit down, Mr. Cannon.
Could it be?
Oh, no.
It is!
Reunited at last!
'Cause it feels so good.
- Sit down.
- Aren't you guys like,
in the wrong room?
Shouldn't you be next door
at the pro acid rain rally?
Mr. Cannon, we're your
traffic school instructors.
- Is this an interesting
surprise or what?
- Sit down,
before I mold your face
into an ashtray.
See? All you had to do
was ask nicely.
This will not be tolerated
in this classroom.
I demand strict discipline.
I just love it
when he gets angry
like this,
don't you?
I thought so.
What are these?
I'm a single parent.
By day, they're in school;
At night,
there's no one
to take care of them.
All right,
just keep them quiet.
Now then, we will study
the following in here...
Traffic...
Laws.
You will know them
letter perfect.
You will be tested
daily on them.
You will know everything
there is to know about a car...
inside and out.
You will know
the rules of the road...
Driver courtesy...
Will there be any like,
handy cooking tips,
like, what
to do with those darn
holiday leftovers?
Hank, Hank.
No.
Open your driving manuals
to page one.
What is the maximum legal
speed limit in this state?
This is
a 15-minute break.
Hey, man,
I thought this class
was supposed to be easy.
Well, it was,
before Adolph
and Eva took over.
This is
a 15-minute break,
- not one second more.
- Yes, sir.
I'll tell ya, that sounds like
it could be your transmission
or your fuel pump,
but we do
a complete diagnostic
checkup of your car.
- "The Clinic."
- Yes.
- I'll bring my Limo over.
- Ask for me.
Everyone calls me Doc.
Stop by The Clinic
anytime.
Excuse me, you have a clinic?
Not just a clinic, The Clinic.
We do the finest diagnostic
checkups in town.
- Doc Williams
at your service.
- I would love
- to talk to you about
this problem I'm having.
- Hmm.
That's what I'm here for.
What seems to be
the problem?
No matter what I do,
I just can't get going
in the morning.
- That could be
your valves.
- Really?
- Have you had your pump
checked lately?
- By a specialist.
I should probably take
another look at it
because when that goes,
you die right on the spot.
- Oh god, I know.
- Hmm.
Do you ever overheat
and stall going up
steep hills?
I don't believe so.
You should probably
have a major overhaul,
check everything
inside and out.
- Do you leak much?
- Several times a day.
Hmm, that's no good, is it?
Every place you go, you leave
those unsightly puddles.
Gets so your neighbors cringe
when they see you pulling
up their driveway.
- What about your rear end?
- What about it?
- Does your rear end
make noise?
That's a bit personal,
isn't it?
I'll tell you what,
I am up to here in my work
but what I will do...
I'll lube it up.
I'll get inside there
and root around
and find out what
the problem is.
I have the best tool in town.
Trust me, I'll do
a thorough job.
- Mm-hmm.
- Meanwhile, here's what
I'd like you to do...
about an hour before you
get going in the morning,
drain out your water,
flush it out of there
completely,
take in a lot of oil,
then grease up that back end,
get out on the highway
and go as fast as you
can for 9 or 10 miles.
- Really?
- Yes.
No... no one has
ever said this
to me before.
As I say, I am a professional.
I can lick any rear end problem
you can bring me.
In fact, I do a lot
of celebrities too.
Just last week,
I reamed out Roger Moore.
He was totally satisfied.
As a matter of fact,
he's coming back next weekend
for a complete rear end job.
Oh.
Break's over.
Come on, let's move it, people.
Tonight.
You wanna pass those tests,
get in there
and do some work.
Let's go.
Why don't we go
someplace and talk?
Um, yeah, I've been
thinking about it.
- It's probably
a good idea.
- Yeah.
Hey, look,
I think we got off
on the wrong foot,
and I'm sorry.
Why don't we shake hands
and we'll wipe
the slate clean?
Now, look, mister...
I'll be straight with you.
I hate your ass.
- Oh, come on, this has
gone too far.
- Shut up.
I'm teaching
this shithead class
because you got me demoted.
That's right,
you screwed up my promotion...
My career.
And now I'm gonna
screw things up for you.
- Sounds fair.
- You just watch yourself.
I'll crush you.
Okay, but just as long
as we can still
be friends, okay?
- Mrs. Houk?
- What's a man doing
in the ladies' room?
- This is
the men's room.
- Oh.
Why is my back all wet?
Before you go home tonight,
we're going to take a look
at a little film on traffic
safety entitled
"Blood Flows Red
on the Highway."
- All right!
- Deputy Morris.
Every day millions of kids
happily go to school.
They look forward
to another day of learning
with their friends.
Unfortunately,
some of these kids
will never make it
to their classrooms.
A thoughtless motorist
who stopped for a couple
of quick drinks
for the road will cause
a senseless tragedy.
A tragedy that could have
been avoided
had he used some common sense.
But it's too late for that now.
Traffic fatalities
are increasing
everywhere.
And that's why
blood flows red on the highway.
Here we see another accident.
Two trucks collide
with a Toyota.
Their passengers
thrown from the car...
My dad's coming back
on Saturday,
- and I gotta pick him up
in his car.
- So what?
"So what?"
I don't have it.
It's impounded.
A brand new Mercedes.
My dad's gonna kill me.
He's gonna open everything
that's closed
- and close
everything that's open.
- Don't worry so much.
Listen, we'll go down
to the video store
and we'll rent
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
That will relax you.
Come on.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, uh...
Bless you.
Oh, sorry.
Uh...
This is Jo-Jo.
I'm a puppeteer.
Oh, I have to go.
That's my sister.
She's a sister.
- Oh, there's my bus.
I gotta go.
- Nonsense.
Tonight we're
traveling in style.
Taxi!
You heard her.
- Taxi!
- Taxi right here.
Ho, yeah.
Step to the rear, please.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Driver, take us
to the nearest nuclear
power plant. My pants
are full of uranium.
Not bad.
After I got my doctorate
in physics,
I worked as a strolling
violinist in a Hungarian
restaurant for a while.
- Oh, come on.
- No, I really did.
There's a lot of people
with advanced degrees that can't
get jobs in their field.
Well, at least
you found your field.
- Mm-hmm.
Myself, I went
to five colleges,
changed majors seven times,
and I had about 10 jobs
since I dropped out
of school.
That's quite a success story.
Well, I have to be
at the lab early tomorrow,
so I...
- Oh, I forgot
where I put my keys.
Spaced out again?
- Guess so.
- Maybe.
Well,
I guess I'd better
make the first move.
Now didn't that ease
the tension?
I'm a forest ranger.
I'm just taking some work
home for the weekend.
Hello. Just
one second here.
Just a few more things.
Okay, now we're on our way.
Excuse me,
I've been doing a little
early Christmas shopping.
Okay, people, listen up.
I'm declaring this bus
a national forest.
Please act accordingly.
Plants coming through.
Look out...
- Hey, hands off
the ficus, lady!
Don't grab the branches.
It could be a bird's home
someday.
Hey, it's not an ashtray.
Plants are people too!
Dana, I needed
that shipment from you.
Well, some geeks took
my driver's license away.
That's not my problem.
Either you bring that shipment
by Friday or you can forget
the whole account.
Well put.
Right to the point.
And believe you me,
by this time next week,
we'll be laughing about this.
Ha ha ha.
Great.
First thing in the morning,
flush out all the water.
Okay, I did that.
Then you wanna fill up
with oil at least two quarts.
Ugh.
Well...
Here goes.
Next, you wanna
grease up your rear end.
Really get a lot up there.
Smear it all around.
Well, if it works,
it will be worth it.
Get out on the highway
and go at full speed
for about 10 miles.
- See how it feels.
- Like shit.
Officer Halik, come in.
- Sit down.
- You wanted to see me,
your honor?
Yes, Halik.
I have a proposition for you.
Proposition?
Halik, you've been screwed.
- I have?
- Hank,
how would you
like to be a winner
in this traffic school thing?
Have the last
laugh on those fools
that sent you down?
- How could I do that?
- Make the class tough,
impossible.
Fail everyone.
I'll order their cars sold.
We'll give half the money
to the county.
- The rest
you split with me.
- But what if we get caught?
Hank, since this law
went into effect,
I control the records
of all vehicles
ordered sold by the county.
Take a look for yourself.
The last instructor
retired a very wealthy man.
What do you say...
Hank?
There's a feeling
that I sometimes get
Ooh, it's not unusual
For me to swing
'cause I can't see it
I go sneaking down
the hallway
Highway recognize
Taken by a brain wave
And I can't control
my drive
Sometimes I break
through the wall
Oh, I'm a moving violation
when I move
A moving violation
when I move, watch me
Losing all my patience
when I do
Watch me
- Moving violation-
lation-lation-lation.
Good party, huh?
You should see it
in Iran... talk about
your tough traffic laws...
Over there,
you get a moving violation,
they take away your license
and your hand.
Chop it right off
at the wrist.
Wow. I gotta
get over there
to see that.
Hank...
You are in complete
and total control
of this class.
So forceful.
I'm not wearing
any underwear.
Leave the car in gear
with the emergency brake on,
and you walk to the rear
of the car with your flare,
breaking off the upper portion,
and throwing it in the back.
Then, you ignite your flare.
Placing it within six feet
of the vehicle.
Now, we'll let
one of you try it.
Mrs. Houk.
Hmm.
No, Mrs. Houk,
it's the other one.
No, don't throw it
in the trunk.
Oh my god!
- Did I do
something wrong?
- Not from where I stand.
Stand back
while I open the hood.
It's a big 460
with a Harley four-barrel.
- Right. Sure.
- Now remember,
if you're going to abandon
your car by the side
of the road,
just lock it up
and leave it
where it stalls.
Never... I repeat,
never try to push it
to the side of the road.
I'll show you why.
I need a volunteer.
Mr. Barnes,
try pushing this car
to the side of the road.
As you can see,
by pushing the car,
you are in danger
of getting hit by uh...
Hank, I need you.
There's a fire.
- Fire?
- Fire.
- Fire!
- Fire!
All right,
here we go. Here we...
Come on! Watch this.
All right, all right.
Who put on the brake?
Get out of here.
I'll kill ya!
I got you, I got you.
Come on.
Here comes the Terminator.
Thank you.
Have a nice night.
Good evening.
Can I help you?
Good evening.
Can I help you?
Can I help you?
Good evening.
Can I help you?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh...
Are you doing anything later?
- Yeah, I'm going out.
- Oh.
But you could come with me.
How about we meet
at The Band Box?
- On Tower?
How about 10:00?
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Great, okay.
- I'll see you later.
- Right.
Bye-bye.
Scott, you devil.
- She's crazy about you.
- Really?
No.
I got my doubts.
What are you talking about?
Don't put yourself down.
You're a great guy.
Go get her.
- Trust me.
- Thanks, Dana.
You're a pretty great guy
yourself, Dana.
Speaking of great guys...
Good evening, kids.
How are you?
I'm doing a lot
better than you,
Mr. Cannon.
I understand your business
is going down the drain.
Too bad.
Yeah, well...
I can always get
another job.
You on the other hand,
civil servant,
are stuck in this shitty
nowhere traffic school
for the rest of your life.
Forever.
I am sick of you,
Mr. Cannon.
Fine. Why don't you do
something about it?
I'm off-duty.
Why don't we just
step right over here
and settle this?
Fine, right now.
Dana, why did
you get him going?
He's going to kill you.
Yeah, I might've gone too far.
- What are you gonna do?
- Let's find out.
- Over here, Cannon.
- Oh, excellent choice.
So, what's gonna be?
Boxing?
Karate?
Wrestling?
- Are you kidding?
Look, wimp...
Oh, Jesus.
You come on like
this big macho strongman.
How about
a real test of strength?
How about arm wrestling?
Sounds great.
I better warn you, Cannon,
I happen to be
western division
arm wrestling champion,
so don't be
surprised when I break
your arm in two.
Sounds fun.
Come on, dickhead.
Spence, can you call it?
Okay, on three.
One, two...
Three.
- Halik!
- Chief!
Whoopsy.
Scott, Scott.
Stephanie... hi.
Hi.
- What happened
to your hair?
- This is my hair?
I just wear a wig a lot.
It looks terrific...
Really, terrific.
Hey, do you like cars
as much as I do?
Sure, probably more.
You know what I love to do?
I love to drive fast.
Uh, I don't have a license.
We could get into big trouble.
Scott,
when I drive fast,
I get very hot...
So very, very hot.
Let's go.
One foot on the brake
And one on the gas,
hey!
Faster, Scott.
Well, there's
too much traffic
I can't pass, no...
Faster, Scott, it turns me on.
So I try my best
illegal move
A big
black and white...
Go all the way, Scott!
Floor it, floor it!
Go faster, Scott!
Go on and write me up
for 125
- Post my face,
wanted dead or alive...
Whoa, whoa-oa!
- Stop here!
This is where I live.
I gotta go.
Hey, uh...
you forgot your keys.
It's not my car.
I don't know whose car it is.
Oh, shit!
- Welcome to NASA.
- Great.
- So this is where you work?
- That's right.
I grew up in a place
that looks just like this.
Now, Dana,
don't fool around
in here.
- This is a serious place.
- Thanks, Dr. Hopkins.
So these are the readouts
for all the space probes
which are currently orbiting.
That's the Voyager project.
That's Viking, that's Pioneer,
and that's
the Russian's Lunakhod.
Oh, the bad guys, huh?
We'll get them.
Don't mind me, fellas.
You guys are doing
a terrific job, really.
- Keep up the good work.
Enjoy, enjoy.
Hmm.
You are really
an aggressive woman.
- Come on.
- Oh, my favorite
two words.
So I have
a question.
- Mm-hmm.
- Why are we here?
- Because...
of this.
This?
Could be different.
Up, up and away.
Whoa, yeah,
now I know how
a racquetball feels.
Yeah! Yeehaw!
Too much fun.
This is a good way to keep
your socks up, you know?
I feel nice
Sugar and spice now...
Come here, Dana.
Dana, come here now.
This feels great.
Now what?
Well, I always say,
"If you make love
for the first time,
you should at least
make it interesting."
I'm for that.
Tonight,
we get behind the wheel
of a car and test you
on the fundamentals
- of driving.
- First group,
Houk, Cannon,
Barnes, Roth, and Hopkins.
Mrs. Houk,
you drive.
Where's the car?
Oh, god, we're dead.
Right this way, Mrs. Houk.
- Dad, are we there yet?
I'm hungry.
- Shut up!
- Take a right here,
- Mrs. Houk.
Stop the car,
Mrs. Houk.
- I hear bells.
- Mrs. Houk!
You hear bells?
Shit, hit the brake!
The train is coming!
Start the car,
Mrs. Houk.
You know what a train does
when it hits the body?
Start this car!
Everybody
get out of the car!
Get out, get out.
Mrs. Houk!
Get out!
Get out of the car!
- Where is everyone?
- Damn, it's locked!
Come on, come on,
we gotta push.
- Would you get
over here and push?
- Oh, man.
Oh, we're gonna be splattered!
- Honey, are you okay?
- God, that scared me!
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Ho!
It's like I always say,
"When the going gets tough,
the tough get going
in their pants."
Go ahead and laugh.
None of you are gonna finish
traffic school anyway.
You're gonna all fail.
And I guarantee you
none of you will ever
see your cars again.
Jeez.
What am I gonna do?
My dad is gonna
kill me.
With the debts I've got,
dying sounds pretty good
right now.
Hey, would you two burly
fellas care to join me
in a desperate mission
a little bit later?
Sure.
Will there be
bloodshed?
Shh.
Hey, guys, it's me.
Hey, man,
you almost gave me
a heart attack.
Great!
Wink, do me a favor...
Try to be an actual person
in the next five minutes, okay?
This ain't
gonna be easy.
Relax,
I got it covered.
I made this stuff at home.
Works pretty good, huh?
Very nice, very nice.
Um, time to get going,
wouldn't you say?
There we go.
Uh-oh.
I'll save you, here I come.
Yeehaw!
Come on.
Let's get our cars.
- Is that your truck?
- No.
Let's try down here.
Shit.
- Who is it?
- I know exactly
who it is.
It's that pain in the butt,
Dana Cannon.
- I can't find my Limo.
- Halik!
Christ.
Fierce, this is
just like "Cujo," man.
- Come on, come get us!
- There's my truck.
Oh, tear your heart out.
So long.
- I'll have Cannon
picked up within the hour.
- I'll take care of him.
I'll really take care of him.
Hey, come back here.
We just stole
that thing
ourselves.
Shit.
Dana Cannon,
you're in big trouble now.
All right, all the money
in the till, come on!
Move it!
What?
Yeah?
- Freeze, mister.
- If this is about the rent,
the check's in the mail,
I swear to god.
- Is that your truck?
- Yeah.
- Where did
you find it? Great.
- You're under arrest.
Because this was
an armed robbery
and the defendant
has appeared before me
previously...
- Your honor, I was framed.
- Quiet!
I'm going to set bail
at $10,000.
- Great.
Do you take Visa?
- The court is in recess.
Was I strict enough?
Oh, yes, very.
Hank, I want to
show you something.
I've computed our take
from the sale of the cars.
It comes to over $50,000.
Nedra...
You've changed my whole life.
You've taught me
a whole new way
of looking at the law.
Well, let's go over
to your place.
I'll show you a whole
new way of looking
at my body.
Oh, I hope this is
the right place.
Oh, yes, The Clinic.
I have an appointment
with Doc Williams.
Ah, Joan,
right on time.
I love punctuality.
Why don't you come this way?
I am a little harried
right now.
I'll tell you,
why don't you wait
in my office?
I think you'll be
a bit more comfortable
in here.
Okay.
And we'll get
to that examination
in a couple of minutes.
I am dying to get
at your rear end.
Mm-hmm. Hmm.
She's ready to go,
Mr. Kolonawski, and purring
like a kitten.
And I'll see you
back here in 6,000 miles,
not a mile over.
- Carl, want to
back it out for Mr. K?
Okay, Joan, I'm
ready for you now.
All right, Doc.
- Let's go take a look
at it, shall we?
- Hmm.
Follow me, please.
Doc, shouldn't I
be wearing a gown?
No, don't be silly,
we're not that formal
around here.
What the heck?
All right, Joan...
Excuse me.
Hello, The Clinic.
Yes, Mr. Armistead.
Yes, sir, could you hold
a second, please?
Uh, Joan, why don't you
get it up on that rack
and give me a holler
as soon as you're ready?
Yes, Mr. Armistead.
I see.
Well, that's
the same problem
- we had in the past,
isn't it, sir?
Is there a constant vibration?
God, there's
so many doctors in here!
What's this?
"Gas analysis"?
- Gosh!
What I'd like
to do is bring it in
- as soon as possible
and let's recheck it.
No, I want you
to bring it in
immediately, sir.
Let's nip this
in the bud.
That's my motto.
How does your week look?
- Thursday's impossible.
How about Friday...
- at 2:30 p.m.?
- All right, Doc,
I'm ready.
Roger?
You can?
Fine.
I'll see you
at 2:30...
on Friday.
So long, Mr. Armistead.
Ah, will you two guys
please check out
that rear end?
Okay, so now what?
Hey, kids.
Look at this.
Hey, come on,
come on, come on.
All right, all right,
it's just a fake...
Oh no, it's not.
Wink, would you
leave my kids alone?
Okay, now then,
for five points, true or false?
You may make a u-turn
in-between intersections
of a business district.
- False.
- That's absolutely right.
Congratulations.
Now...
What's going on with you kids?
Yeah, nice accessories...
matching, no less!
How MTV of you kids.
So this is serious kinda, huh?
It's just not fair
we have to study
this hard.
You think it was
fair I greased up
my ass every day
and you had
Manny, Moe and Jack
looking up it?
You feel better, don't you?
Why do I find
all this intriguing?
- Dana, we've been
at this for hours.
- Yeah, we can pass that test.
Look, I lost a $20,000 account.
I'm facing 10 to 20 years
on a major felony.
If I'm gonna head
up the river,
I wanna drive myself
up the river, all right?
You with me?
Yeah.
- Okay, I knew I could
talk you into it.
Now then,
when entering
an intersection...
Williams, pass.
Roth, pass.
Mccarty, pass.
Hopkins, pass.
Popadophalos, pass.
Cannon...
- Pass.
- All right!
- We all made it!
- Hey!
That's the good news.
The bad news is,
these written tests
count only 5% of your grades.
What?
You gotta
be kidding.
You mean we have to take
another test before we can
get our certificate?
That's right, Ms. Hopkins.
So if you'll all follow me
into the parking lot,
we'll have
your driving skill tests.
Hey, what's the matter, baby?
Why so cold?
Nothing.
Oh, come on,
is he kidding?!
Is this amusing
or what?
The objective
of this test is to stay
within the white painted lines
regardless of the obstacles
in your path
or the conditions of the road.
Let's begin with Mr. Greeber.
Go get 'em, Scotty.
- Do it, Scotty.
- All right, Greeber.
That son of a bitch.
- It's a mess.
- He'll never be able
to make it.
None of them will.
So, how did I do?
- Didn't do so hot.
- How about we all fail?
Looks like we're never
gonna drive again.
I don't believe it.
That's it.
My dad's coming
back in town tomorrow.
- I'm dead.
- Too bad, tough break.
If I were you,
I'd get used to
public transportation.
I'm in the car business
and I can't drive.
We're screwed.
We got shafted.
- My dad is gonna kill me.
- Not if we get to him first.
Let's face it, we're
never gonna drive again.
Wait a minute here.
I can't believe I'm
hearing this.
You think we're finished,
Washed up, history?
Well, I've got news
for you, it's not over
till it's over.
Look at Michael Jackson...
his hair caught on fire.
Did he give up?
No.
He called the fire department
and went on a "Victory" tour.
All right.
Now instead of pissing
and moaning
about how bad off we are,
let's zero in on the guy
who made sure
we'd never drive again.
Let's get the guy
who screwed us.
- Let's get Halik.
- Yeah, fuck him!
Rip his nuts off!
All right, I think
she had enough to drink.
But she's right.
Let's get some beers.
Let's go get him!
- Come on!
- Yeah!
- Right now!
- Yeah!
Now this I like.
First we kill him,
- then cut his face off.
- Wink, you're a sick man,
- trust me on that.
- Oh, come on.
Doc, can I have
a word with you?
Come on, ride me, daddy.
I'll be right there,
your honor.
Oh, man!
This has totally
ruined sex for me
for the rest of my life.
- Doc, you got the tools?
- Right here.
Let's go.
- Did you see anybody?
- I don't know.
Good.
Move over, buddy.
Yeah, that's the one
I want, right there.
That's it. Yeah,
give that another turn.
- What's that noise?
- I don't hear anything.
Now get back to work.
Do you like it?
- Yeah.
- I'm glad.
Come to bed, honey.
Every boy's got one
hiding in the dark
Every boy's got one,
it's my favorite part
Every boy's got one,
give it to me...
- Stephanie?
- Oh no, my father!
I didn't expect him home
so soon.
- Your father?
- Yeah. If he finds you
in bed with me,
he'll kill you.
I'm only 15.
Hurry up!
My father will kill you.
He's an animal.
He's a teamster.
How could you be 15?
You've got a driver's
license.
Fake I.D...
I've been driving
since I've been 12.
- Where's daddy's girl?
- In your room?
- Stephie...
- Hi, daddy.
- Who the...
- I didn't know she...
You?
I will kill you!
Oh, god. Oh, gee.
Oh, god. Oh my god!
- Oh god.
- You're dead!
Scott, I'll
call you later.
- That's it.
- Let's get out of here.
What are you doing?
- Are you gonna
be a good boy?
- Yes, mommy. Yes.
What the...
Move, move.
- This ought to be good.
Stay tuned.
Come on.
Bastard!
See that ledger
on the nightstand?
- Uh, yeah.
- Come here.
They were gonna sell
your cars and split
the money.
Whip me till it hurts.
I knew something weird
was going on.
- Yes, mommy!
- That ledger tells everything.
Now get it to Chief Fromm
down at city hall and he'll
take care of them.
Well, thanks.
You know, I have
a sense about people,
and I felt all along
that you were decent
and kind.
Shove it, dipshit.
And merry Christmas
to you too, Santa.
Can't go this way.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
No, sit, no!
- This is the only one open.
- Yeah, but who could
fit in here?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, honey, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I just hope Houk's on the pill.
Oh, yes!
She's got it.
Let's go.
- Yeah. Oh, press it.
- Who the hell was that?
- I don't know.
But she's got the ledger.
You bastard.
- Now, sugar...
- Don't sugar me.
Dana Cannon's on his way
to Chief Fromm
to tell him about your
little scheme.
- Morris, you're a cop.
How could you do this?
- You bitch.
Shit!
Wait for me.
That's it!
I would have come out to you.
Dumb thing.
- Yeah!
- Come on.
The damned thing,
it only goes in reverse!
Oh, screw it!
Dana, look out.
It's Halik.
Virginia, get down.
I told you to stop it,
Virginia.
So long, sucker.
Oh, what the hell is this?
A parade?
Come on, let's go.
- A parade!
- It's Halik!
Oh no, come on!
Get out of the car.
Come on! Would you please
stop fighting?
We've gotta
catch Cannon, come on!
Excuse me, excuse me.
- Whoa, look out.
- Sorry.
Are we following Dana?
Right here.
Get in here.
- Get in.
- Oh!
Out of my way!
Move, move, move!
We need a vehicle!
Get on that float!
Hurry up.
Get up!
Up! Up! Move!
There's Halik.
- All right, come on,
Dana, let's go.
Get away from me,
you frigging clown!
You frigging mouse.
Get your hands off me,
you frigging duck.
Oh, here comes the campaign.
Whoa!
Oh, shit!
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Is this the right color?
- Yeah?
Great.
Come on.
- Are you sure about this?
- Hey, it's the only way.
Come on.
Right this way, miss.
- Don't I get a ticket?
- No, that's all right.
There's no tickets today.
Okay, we gotta
get this car back.
They'll be done in an hour.
- No sweat, man.
- There's my dad.
Over there.
Hi, dad. Good to see you.
Let's get you home.
Wait a...
Why are we rushing?
Hey, don't
worry about it.
- Screw it.
- Let's go.
- Jeff, who is this?
- Don't worry about it.
Oh, crap, roadblock.
They went in there.
Turn! Get them.
I give up.
Please, me too.
Somebody take me, yeah.
Somebody take me, please.
- Somebody take me. I give up.
- Oh, ooh, ooh.
- No, no, no.
- This way.
Let's talk
about some real weapons.
Swat teams all over the nation
call it the k-gun,
or kill gun.
It's capable of firing
40 rounds in three seconds...
- Ho!
- This way.
This way.
Come on, come on.
Come on, here.
It can cut
a man in half in two,
ruin his whole weekend.
And it's great in crowds.
- How about this for laughs?
- They got us.
They don't know us.
Act nonchalant.
Hello, I'm officer Stephens,
Puerto Rican highway patrol.
Buenas noches.
How have you been?
Good to see you.
Nice uniform.
You know, we should
get some of these.
- I'm gonna
mention it to the Chief.
Stop that man.
He's wanted.
I'm not as happy
as I should be.
Follow me!
Hey, hey!
Don't shoot me, I give up.
- Get them, get them.
- Don't shoot me,
I give up.
- Come on.
- Don't shoot!
Get him! Oh, when I
get my hands on him
I'm gonna rip
you a new one, Cannon!
Get that guy.
Come on!
Ready?
Whoa.
- Oh, god.
- I'm gonna rip you apart!
- Stop so I can I'll kill you.
- You gotta help me.
I gotta a few
problems of my own
right now, Tiger.
Listen, you've got a lot
of explaining to do...
- Okay.
- What the...
- Good to have you home.
- What...?
What?
Hey, who...
who in the hell is this guy?
- Who's this guy?
- Let's go, Wink.
Hey, Jeff...
Oh god.
I wonder if he'll shoot our
tires or aim for our heads.
I'm in pursuit
of a Mercedes 500-SEL,
License plate 2GB 485.
Request assistance.
That's what's great
about this force.
You ask for help
and you get it.
They got a whole army after us.
I can just feel it, man.
There's gonna be
a shoot-out now.
Perfect timing.
All right, lady.
Come here, come here.
Get in there, okay.
Relax yourself.
Good.
- Have a nice day.
So long. Bye.
- We did it.
- What's happening?
- You know, I was just
asking everyone,
"Where the hell
are Jeff and Wink?"
Hurry up,
hurry up!
Come on, get them...
Virginia!
- I'm gonna kill you, witch!
- Screw off, you slut.
Come here!
This way.
That's him.
That's the guy.
- In here!
- Do you have
an appointment?
Do you have an appointment?
Do you have...?
You have an appointment?!
Do you have an appointment?
Do you have an appointment?
Do you have an...? Do you have
an appointment?
Sir, I got something here
you should read.
I'll call you back.
Some people just came
into my office.
See, right...
Get off!
- This ledger contains
officer Halik
and Judge Henderson's plan
to bilk the citizens
and the city
of thousands of dollars.
That's a lie.
This man is accused
of armed robbery.
- That's the fatigue jacket
the hold-up man wore.
- What?!
I remember the insignia.
- I'm positive.
This is the man.
- That's a lie.
- That's a lie, sir.
- Arrest this man.
No, no, no.
Judge Henderson, you have
a lot of explaining to do.
How about a little
strip search, and we'll
call this whole thing even?
- Arrest her!
- I'm innocent.
I'm innocent, sir!
Tell him, Nedra!
- Tell him!
- Shut up. I've got enough
problems of my own.
How about a little
dinner and some eating?
How about a little
"Hide the nightstick"?
How about...
It is a great pleasure
to present each of you
with a certificate,
which certifies
you've completed
your course
of driver's education
traffic school.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah!
Thank you.
People, just a little reminder,
there'll be
a post-graduation party
at my place tonight.
I expect you all there
promptly at 8:00.
Dressed as your favorite
biblical character.
Thank you.
- This is great.
- That's good.
So now that we've graduated,
will I ever see you again?
I think so.
I'm moving in
with you.
Oh, you are?
Mm-hmm.
That's right.
So why don't you
just follow me
in your truck to my place
so we can pick up my things?
So maybe we could stop
at the space lab
and go for a little twirl?
All right, Emma Jean,
let's get going.
- Let me drive, Loretta.
- Why should I let
you drive?
- Because you
can't see a thing.
- Don't be silly,
I can see as well as you can.
There's a feeling
that I sometimes get
Ooh, it's not unusual
For me to swing
'cause I can't see it
I go sneaking
down the hallway
Highway recognize
Taken by a brain wave
And I can't control
my drive
Sometimes I break
through the wall
Oh, I'm on moving violation
when I move
A moving violation
when I move
Watch me!
Losing all my patience
when I do
Watch me!
A moving violation-
lation-lation-lation
There's a feeling
that I can't pull back
I can't sit
and I can't stand
And the things I want,
I just go get
Oh, it's a combination
Of a voracious appetite
But knowing the sensation
Won't stop the urge to bite
Sometimes I just do it all
Oh, I'm a moving violation
when I move
A moving violation
when I move
Watch me!
Pure acceleration
when I choose
Watch me!
A moving violation-
lation-lation-lation
Sometimes I wonder why
I can't help but fantasize
I must need it way too much
It's the reason
to get touched
But I come down
just to get up
Sometimes I just do it all
Oh, I'm a moving violation
when I move
A moving violation
when I move
Watch me!
Pure acceleration
when I choose
Watch me!
A moving violation-
lation-lation-lation
Sometimes I wonder why
I can't help but fantasize
I must need it way too much
It's the reason
to get touched
But I come down
just to get up
There's a feeling
that I can't pull back
I can't sit
and I can't stand
And the things I want,
I just go get
Oh, it's a combination
Of a voracious appetite
But knowing the sensation
Won't stop the urge to bite
Sometimes I break
through the wall
Sometimes I just do it all
Oh, I'm a moving violation
when I move
A moving violation
when I move
Watch me!
Pure acceleration
when I choose, watch me!
Oh, I'm a moving violation
when I move
A moving violation
when I move
Watch me!
Pure acceleration
when I choose, watch me!
A moving violation-
lation-lation-lation
Moving, moving,
a violation, moving, ha!
- Ooh, ohh!
- Moving, moving
A violation,
moving, ha!
- Watch me!
- Moving, moving
A violation,
moving, ha!
- Move!
- Moving, moving
A violation,
moving, ha!