Hi, Douglas. | How's it going?
- What did you do? | - Demo'ed the driveway.
- Nice job, too. | - What's the problem?
It's the wrong driveway. | That's a problem, isn't it?
2933, Vic. | This is 2935!
We're in the wrong... | These guys are morons.
- I'm sorry. It's going to cost. | - It's going to cost who?
I'm in a bad way right now. | Money's very tight with me.
I can't afford to eat this, | even if it was my fault.
Shut up, Vic. | What am I going to do?
All right. | We're going to do both driveways.
No matter how long it takes. | And if you say one more word -
- I'll beat you to death | with a drywall hammer.
- You got it? | - It makes sense to me. Thank you.
Hello. Kinney.
Problem this morning? Giving away | free driveways? Come to my place.
No. Fax those plans right now. | Hold on.
Hi, hon. I was just about to call. | What's the matter?
Really? No, I know what it is. | It's the hot water heater.
My fax machine's gone psycho again.
What's up?
Do you hate me?
Do you want me dead? A guy from | Beverly Hills is going to sue me.
- You ruined his driveway? | - Yes, we did.
- Like a prank? | - No, Del.
Don't worry about it. It's my fault. | I'll fix it on my own time.
When? Ted told me you haven't | finished the Malibu job yet.
You know what I think?
- No, what do you think? | - We'll have to put in more hours.
This isn't a nine-to-five job. | We had a saying where I worked last.
"Unless you come in Saturday, | don't bother coming in Sunday."
- Are we going to work weekends? | - Weekends, nights, holidays.
My office. Two minutes.
Do you have any stegosauruses?
No. I have an iguanodon | and a tyrannosaurus.
I fished a stegosaurus. | Hi. dad.
- Good hand. Hi. | - Did you look at the water heater?
- I just walked in the door. | - No bath tonight, Zack.
Brush your teeth and go to bed.
You missed Campfire Girls.
I'm not in Campfire Girls. | I'm a Brownie.
- It was Jennifer's graduation. | - Man, I forgot!
I phoned and reminded you.
I totally forgot. | Was she upset?
Yes. All the fathers were there. | Even the divorced ones.
- And the lesbian moms? | - Both of them.
- Where is she now? | - In the den. Drinking.
- She's asleep. Where were you? | - I had to work late.
- King fired DeGrazzi. | - You're kidding. Why?
He does bad work. | But at least he does it slowly.
- Who will replace him? | - The guy you sleep with.
The video store guy.
I knew you were dating, but not | that you were sleeping with him.
That's great. It's like a promotion. | It's not great?
- Guess who'll do my job. | - You're going to do it all?
- Will they give you more money? | - It's more of a prestige thing.
They'll probably give me a plaque | or a certificate for being so great.
That's ridiculous. We hardly | ever see you. Can't you say no?
Yes, if you want to catch your own | food. Don't worry. It'll be okay.
I'll go check on the water heater.
Jennifer Kinney.
I'll seek the way that'll bring | me to the fllre of kindness, -
- Lighted by those who have | gone on the Campfllre Trall.
That's so great.
I don't know. | I'll have to think about it.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
I'll call you. Thanks. Bye.
- Hi. Hungry? | - No. I'm too tired to eat.
- Who was that? | - Valerie.
Who helped her dial the phone?
Don't start. The company | made her regional manager.
When I quit work to have Zack, they | thought more of me than of Valerie.
- Did she call to tell you the news? | - No...
She offered me her old job, | now that she's been promoted.
- Are you going back to work? | - Yes. What do you think?
What do I think?
The first couple of months you won't | make anything because it's hard.
We're paying more for child care.
We're both working and then we're | both not going to Campfire Girls.
- Maybe you could help out more. | - How am I going to work that out?
I just meant in emergencies.
A real estate emergency? | My whole life's an emergency.
I'm not going back to work, am l?
We always said I would, | but now I realise I never will.
Take my job. Go build condos. | Make sure to be there at 6:00.
Call an exorcist.
I don't know where it came from. | I'm sorry, Laura.
I'm sorry.
This is stupid. | We just need to get a schedule.
We don't need a schedule. | We need a miracle.
GEMINI INSTITUTE | MALIBU. CALIFORNIA
Once we get all this duct work in, | this should just fly.
Are you paid to watch her ass? | Because you do an excellent job.
We've got a problem down here.
I don't believe this.
Have a seat. | Damn!
Get out of the way. | Man. what is this?
I'm sorry. I just went crazy. | We'll turn the water back on now.
- This thing goes off all the time. | - Tough business.
- What do you do? | - Not mine. Yours.
Yes, really tough.
What do you do to relax?
- Well, play golf. | - That's a great game. How often?
Let's see...
Never. I'll have to cut back. | That's really going to hurt.
You don't have to live this way.
With all due respect... | I forgot to go to medical school.
- I can help you. | - Help me how?
Change your life.
- What do you guys do around here? | - We make miracles.
Sure.
Call me.
I feel guilty for not spending | enough time with my family.
Then I get resentful because l | don't have enough time for myself.
Work is first, my family is a close | second and I'm a distant third.
- Is that crazy? | - I'm not a psychiatrist.
And you don't need one. Real | problems require real solutions.
- Well, then... What do you do? | - I told you. I make miracles.
l create time.
l make clones.
Doug, sit down.
I'm a geneticist. 15 years ago | I started cloning viruses.
And then, ten years ago, | I cloned an earthworm.
- God bless you, sir. | - And then... a chimp.
And last year...
Last year...
- Hi there. | - Just in time.
- Doug is doing our new offices. | - I know Doug.
He and I went over the plans | one day. You were sailing.
Wait a minute.
- You understand my suggestion? | - Sure. What's not to understand?
- You xerox people. | - In a way.
The procedure takes about two hours. | It takes more or less two hours.
Then you have everything you need.
What is it that I need?
- Time! | - All you need. For everything.
Let's say I was interested. | What would a..?
Nothing fancy, | just a basic...
What would a basic clone job cost?
- Doctor, we're ready for you. | - Very good.
I hate to sound like a baby, | but promise me it'll be all right.
You're going to be fine. | There's nothing to worry about.
- I won't be like them. will I? | - I hope not.
Watch your head.
Lie back and put your feet | in the stirrups.
Did you see "The Fly"? Jeff Goldblum | came out with enormous eyes.
Peripheral vision is one thing, | but this is a bad look.
And he eats everything with | these little hands and everything.
Take it easy.
Well... What is that thing?
- This'll help you relax. | - So far it isn't working.
I'm sorry. My uncle went to the | dentist, and he was never the same.
I don't know if he got that | suction thing lodged in his throat.
But after that he was always, | "Hi, Doug... What's wrong?"
- Count backwards from 100. | - Sure. Like that'll work.
- Am I all right? | - You're fine.
Well? | I mean...
Is it..? Is it a boy? | I mean, did it work?
- Is that it? | - No. I'm afraid you're it.
What do you mean? | I can't be it.
- You mean. I'm the clone? | - That's right.
- No. I'm me. He must be the clone. | - No. I'm me.
- Help me out. I'm me, right? | - Look here.
- I must be me. | - Hold this.
Attaboy. | Now... look here.
- You see that? | - I see a "2".
There you go.
Wait, I remember everything.
I came in. I put this on. | I remember getting the shot.
You have all Doug's feelings and | memories right up to the cloning.
But now, when you have different | experiences, you'll diverge.
- What do I feed it? | - Feed it? What am l? A hamster?
- Sorry. I mean, it eats something. | - He's a person, just like you.
He'll get duplicate identification | here. You take care of the rest.
Now I'll leave you two alone. | You'll have a lot to talk about.
Astonishing.
- What? | - Nothing.
So... Where are you from?
- Stay down low. Really low. | - You want me to get under the car?
Good. | Laura's not home.
- The Mildew Suite. | - We'll fix it all up.
Am I really going to live here?
You can't live with me and Laura. | She'll wake up, roll over and say:
"Doug, you two have to get to work | or you'll be late."
Don't worry. We'll clean up, put | down some rugs, get a TV...
We ought to get a satellite dish. | Get all the sports and movies...
I don't know about that... | I don't think Laura'll go for that.
- I knew it. You're whipped. | - I'm not whipped.
You're whipped, partner.
- Fine, I'm whipped. | - Some guys are whipped. It's okay.
No, you're right. | We've got to get a plan together.
Think fast. Wear these | till you get some of your own.
Don't make me want to kick your ass.
Come on. Come on.
Look at this. This is a great coat. | l love this old coat.
- Always use the garden gate. | - We should black out the windows.
Good idea. We have to come | up with a strategy for work.
- We're going to get a lot done. | - We're going to kick ass.
- And Ted... | - We're going to destroy Ted.
We'll ruin him. Bring him down. | Crush him. And I'll break his neck.
Laura's home.
Hi, honey.
Zack, help me.
- What are you doing up there? | - I was looking for something.
- You look really beautiful today. | - I do?
Do you want to go to the pony rides?
We could go to the movies tonight.
We could car pool, if you want. | No, I could pick you up.
- Doug! When did you get here? | - Six. Half day today, Teddy?
Let's have that meeting now, Del. | Here's the report on the Palisades.
- When did you do all this? | - We should do them every morning.
Two minutes. Conference room.
Sure... | Find out what he had for breakfast.
- Morning. Meeting start yet? | - I thought you were in the meeting.
- Did you see me? | - Yes, but in a different shirt.
Yes, but do you know why? | I spilled coffee on it.
- Then I went to my truck when... | - I was in the ladies room?
Perfect. I have another shirt. | which I keep for emergencies.
Like when I spill coffee. | Also, I got out my briefcase.
Then I came back. and I | forgot the meeting had started.
- Shouldn't you go back in? | - Yes, but I must go to the truck.
I'll get the original shirt. | It's dry now. And I like it better.
So when I come out of the meeting | I'll be wearing the original shirt.
- Are you okay? | - No problem. Never been better.
Why don't you forget all about it?
- Del King Construction. | - Is Doug Kinney there?
- He's in a meeting. Who is it? | - Carl.
- Roger. | - Roger who?
Carl Rogerson.
Phone call for you, Doug.
- What's going on? | - Who is it?
It's me. You. | It's us.
Hold on. I'll take it in my office.
I'm too busy to talk to myself.
- What's up? | - What are you doing there?
- Where should I be? | - I mean, you just went to work?
- You wanted to be home more. | - Yes, but we must discuss this.
We have to coordinate some stuff. | Anyway, how's it going?
Good. Everything's under control.
I'll go out to the Palisades later.
- Then I'll go by Sherman Oaks. | - I took care of it, pal.
- I'll go to North Hollywood. | - I'll do that on the way.
- Reseda? | - Already did it.
I'll tell you what then... | What should I do?
I don't know. Start living it up. | I've got to go.
Kinney!
You think you're hot shit. | But you won't fool anybody.
You read me?
I'm on top of you. | I see you, my friend.
Take this one.
What are you doing? | Don't kick it.
It's not soccer. | Fall on it! Fall on the ball!
Defence, let's go.
Zack!
- Mom said you had to work. | - You're playing, I'm coming.
You looked good. | Go sit with your team.
I don't pay 160 bucks | to sit and watch my kid eat oranges.
He played four downs. That's all | I have to play him. Period.
Let go of that. I'm a lawyer, not | just a coach. I'll kick your ass...
Don't touch me! Back off. | I've had it!
- I don't need this. | - Don't pay attention to those guys.
I'm doing the best I can do. | It's not like I'm getting paid.
- No. You could be out playing golf. | - I love golf.
They don't know what they're talking | about. I appreciate what you do.
Can I mention one thing? You should | think about a multiple-set offence.
- Four of these kids are morons. | - I understand. If you used Zack...
- Zack is my kid. | - That's it. Here you go.
You turn this franchise around. | See you in the Super Bowl.
- Hi. What are you doing? | - Dad's cooking dinner.
- Spaghetti? | - Yes. Just like the old days.
Dad's the new football coach. | He's great. We scored!
We've got a good team. | Go get washed up for dinner.
Thanks for coaching, Dad.
- I thought you had extra work. | - Not any more.
- Did you get fired? | - No, no.
I was tired of carrying that heavy | load, so I went in to King and said:
"You either get me some help | or I'm walking." Taste this.
- What did he say? | - What do you think he said?
I thought he was going to cry. | But he agreed to hire some help.
- The guy's like an assistant. | - I'm glad. Who?
Who? You mean, who's the guy? | Just a guy.
A new guy you don't know. | Very new guy.
- What you're saying is, he's new? | - He's going to run everything.
- And you trust him? | - Yes, like I trust myself.
- Great. What will you do now? | - Now? I don't know.
Right now I thought | I might do this.
- I want you to take that new job. | - My job? You mean it?
Yes! I can still drop off the kids | at school and I can leave by three.
So if you can just back me up | occasionally.
- Let's get the kids to bed early. | - What time is it?
- 6:15. | - Kids, bedtime!
Hi, Doug.
- Hi. Vic. What time is it? | - It's... 5:30 in New York.
- Then it's 2:30 here. | - Why is it on New York time?
I bought it in New York | and couldn't reset the darn thing.
- When did I tell you to be here? | - No specific time.
Yes. 1 :30. | In fact, I repeated it twice.
Do you want solid or laminate?
That's strange. For some reason | 2:30 just stuck in my head.
I'll stick something in your head.
You're fired.
Take your New York watch and | your fat ass and get out of here.
- For being a few minutes late? | - No, no. Three, four. That's a few.
You were 60 minutes late. | That's not a few. Hit it.
Is this a negotiating tactic?
I'm on my way.
Take your hands off me, now.
Now I'm getting mad. You've made | a point. What's happening now?
Are you guys on a break? | Let's go!
- What got into you today? | - I should've fired him long ago.
- But he has like 34 kids. | - He's been married 17 times.
- What have you got there? | - You ought to see these plans.
Hi, it's me. I need to work late. | Could you pick up the kids?
- Sure. | - It's not that simple.
- It's picture day at ballet class. | - That'll be cute.
Go home, give her a bath, mousse | her hair and be there at 4:30.
- Can you do this? | - I can do it. I'll see you.
Okay. Bye.
- Hello? | - Take the kids to the ballet.
- Wait. I was just teeing off here. | - Not today, pal. See you later.
I don't want a shower. | I want a bath. I hate showers!
Zack, get her on that side. | Contain her.
- You're going. | - I'm not going.
Let me see. | Turn around.
Good. I like it. | Let's go.
Hi. Sorry we're late. | We're here for the pictures.
Didn't anyone call you? | It was changed to tomorrow.
- No, seriously. The pictures. | - Tomorrow.
Get a photographer down here now.
- Right now. | - I'll see what I can do.
Hello? She's not here right now.
You can leave a message.
Hold on a second.
Can you call back? | I have a little emergency here.
One of the kids swallowed a spoon. | No, just a teaspoon. She'll live.
Keep it down!
- He took it. | - Zack, give it back to her.
I'm telling you, give it back.
- Doodyhead! | - You're a doodyhead.
Bath time. Go on up and don't | come out till you're married.
- Could we have some cake? | - Get up there.
I'm sorry. This couple wanted | to see the same house over and over.
- We're both here. | - Of course, sir. Right this way.
- This is like having an affair. | - We're too busy to have an affair.
I think he likes you.
I like him too, but there's no | future in it. Besides, I have you.
What are we celebrating?
You know. | I've been thinking...
- This isn't working out. | - What?
This new arrangement. | I'm not getting anything done.
All I do is cook and do laundry.
I pick up and drop off the kids, | dress them and clean up after them.
I've done that for ten years. | You've done it for a month.
- It comes more naturally to you. | - How so?
You're a nurturer. You are.
First of all you have two | X-chromosomes, and I have...
It's scientifically proven. That's | why you have breasts and I don't.
Just what are you saying?
This system isn't working. We have | to go back to the way it was.
You take care of the house. | and I do what I need to do.
And what do you need to do?
I have to go back to work. | And that's it.
No, that's not it. I love my job, | and I'm doing great at it.
Valerie is moving me into estates. | I'll be making a good living soon.
I know it's hard, and I can imagine | your day, but I'm not quitting.
We'll just have to work it out. | And that is it.
It's funny you think that's it. | Because that's not it.
What I said... That's it. | What you said... not it.
No, Doug. This is it.
I can't believe | you lured me here for this.
Can I have some water? | I didn't lure you into anything.
I had no idea. You tease me | and I kind of liked it...
But I thought | you were a happily married guy.
- I sleep in the guest house. | - My God. Is it that bad?
It's pretty bad.
She's sleeping with another guy. | That's the God's honest truth.
- She doesn't even know I exist. | - It must be so hard for you.
- It is. | - Do you want to go to my place?
- I understand... | - Doug, are you all right?
- What's wrong? | - It's a football injury. Rose Bowl.
- You played? | - I fell out of the bleachers.
Can I help you to the car?
- Let's get some dessert. | - You're still hungry?
My life's a shambles. | I need pie.
Can you breathe? | Should I Heimlich you?
- I'll get you some more water. | - No! Laura! Look at me.
- How do I look? | - Crazy.
Let's order. Let's get something | to eat. We'll feel better.
- I'm going to the ladies' room. | - Me too. To the men's room.
I mean, I'll accompany you to... | You know what I mean.
Boy, everything looks so good.
Doug, that's the wine list.
I thought there were a hell of | a lot of beverages on there.
Will you order? You know what I | like. Anything with barbecue sauce.
- What are you doing here? | - It's my favourite restaurant.
- I know. What about Noreen? | - She's a colleague. We're talking.
- Come on. You're up to something. | - Are you jealous?
- You can't cheat on Laura. | - You can't. I never get to see her.
- This isn't working out. | - What do you mean?
Our deal. We'll switch. I'll go back | to work and you'll stay home.
I'm going to do housework?
I thought you were joking. There's | no way that's ever going to happen.
I got you the job, pal!
You think I'm a genie? You rub a | lamp and I do what you want me to?
- I have things I need to do. | - Look, things change...
You took away my wife, my family, | my friends. All I have is my job.
I'm doing the work you couldn't do. | And I'm making it pay, so back off.
- I'm just washing his face. | - Of course. Please, carry on.
- What are you doing? | - I had to do something.
We'll talk later. I'll distract | Laura. Get Noreen out of here.
He's in way over his head.
Doug, I'm ready for dessert. | That's not your sport coat.
I switched with a guy | in the men's room.
We traded. Men do that all the time.
- Let's go. | - I thought you wanted pie.
It's your wife!
- May we join you? | - Have we met?
- What happened to your shirt? | - Water spots.
- I don't want to fight about this. | - Great.
- About what? | - My job.
Hell, no. We don't want to fight | about that. That'd be dumb.
- Laura, do you love me? | - Of course I love you.
Then kiss me.
Come on. Let's go.
That guy looks a lot...
I'm sorry... He's kissing her!
- Come on. | - Stop pushing?
Hi. | Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure. | You want a beer?
Actually I could use a couple.
Two, I'd like you to meet...
- Three. | - Hi, how are you?
Are you nuts? | Are you mentally nuts?
- I have it all figured out. | - What do we need him for?
He's going to help me with the kids, | and when you're not working -
- you guys can hang out together.
- I'm giddy! | - We could do a lot together.
- You're lonely. I got you a friend. | - Where is he going to stay?
Here with you. That way you have a | friend and a roommate. Look at him.
I have an idea. How about no?
Doug, he needs space. | It's a shock. I think.
The idea was for you to work while | I was with Laura and the kids.
Well, it isn't working. I need a | break, so I can work on the house.
Or sit and think a single thought. | Or play golf every once in a while.
I've been working since I was | 12 years old. It's break time.
I think the 12-year-old is saying: | "You need time for Doug."
- What a suck! | - I don't know what a suck is.
- Come on. For Doug. | - Fine. Screw your life up.
- You're in way over your head. | - You're two good-looking guys.
- I'll make this up to you. | - Start by cloning Laura.
Cloning, Laura... | Bye, Doug. Have a good time.
I'm worried about him. | He's uptight, isn't he?
He'll be all right.
That's a lot of ribs. | What is that? A slab?
Okay kids, hurry up. | We're going to be late.
Books, jackets.
I'll drive the kids to school. Take | a couple of minutes to yourself.
- Thanks. | - That's all right.
Look, what I said about you | quitting your job... Forget it.
You have as much right to work | as I do.
- You mean it? | - I mean it.
I just want you to be happy.
I'll give you a foot rub tonight.
- How's it going? | - Fine. I'm baking. Where are you?
At the Laker game. I meant to go | home, but I felt like stopping here.
Have a good time.
- Did you hear from Two? | - He's still at work.
The guy's a horse. | I'll be home soon.
All right. | See you.
- What happened? | - Nothing. I had a terrible dream.
- What was it? Your dream? | - I don't know.
Go back to sleep. | Everything will be okay.
What was that all about? | Up there, with Laura?
- Who won the game? | - Don't worry about that. Lakers.
- What were you doing in bed? | - Nothing.
We were watching TV. Laura wanted | to go to bed. What could I do?
What do you mean, | "she wanted to go to bed"?
- What do you mean? | - You know what I mean.
- Did you have sex with my wife? | - No!
No, Douglas! Here was the plan. | When she was asleep, I'd sneak out.
I guess I dozed off. | Nothing happened.
She did kind of brush me in that | region, but I mamboed out of there.
Doug, he mamboed out.
Listen to me. Both of you. | Rule number one.
It's unbreakable. | Don't even try to bend this rule.
Nobody has sex with my wife | but me.
Fabulous rule, Doug.
- No clone nookie. | - You're the man, Doug.
Original nookie only.
- We're clear on that rule, right? | - Absolutely. It's locked in here.
- So, did you? | - No!
- Wimp. | - Slob.
The mambo king.
Watch the stern there!
Number eight, | it's a boat, not a bathtub.
- Did you enjoy sailing? | - It was more like bumper cars.
How about a nice | "I sailed with Walt" T-shirt?
Do you have an | "I got a refund from Walt" T-shirt?
I'd like to learn how to sail. | Do you have anything big enough -
- to take my whole family out | and not end up like Gilligan?
Great show. Remember the one | with the Harlem Globetrotters?
That was good. Believable, too.
- What the hell are you doing? | - How many of you are there?
That's our brother Doug. This is | Patti and Beth. We were dancing.
One's cuter than the next.
Are you as much fun | as Lance and Rico?
Lance and Ri..?
- You're Rico, I'm guessing. | - Guess again.
Even he can't tell them apart.
Look, can we have some privacy? | We have to have a family meeting.
- Wait.. | - We were going to have a party.
- You're kidding, right? | - No.
- Are you a drag or what? | - Try to keep your voices down.
Goodnight, Lance! | Goodnight, Rico!
The adventures of Lance and Rico.
- Where did you meet them, Lance? | - They work at the Minimart.
Yes, they're clerks.
- Were the Slurpee girls busy? | - I stopped to pick up my dinner.
She offered to nuke my corn dog. | What am I going to say? No?
So we came back here to party.
- They were two very nice women. | - "Women" being the key word here.
You can't just bring | strangers up here.
- Are we supposed to be monks? | - He has a point.
A damn good point.
- What are you doing? | - What do you mean?
- I'm having a smoke. | - I can see that, but why?
I spent 1,000 dollars to quit. | Remember?
- Looks like it didn't take. | - Don't ever do that again.
- What are you going to do about it? | - I'll hit you so hard, he'll die.
Guys, come on. Let's sit down and | talk. You're angry. Like two lions.
- Shut up. | - I'm sorry.
- Where's your aspirin? | - Tylenol. In the kitchen.
I'll find it.
I'll find it.
Look at this place. It's a mess. | I can't leave you for a minute.
One, two, three, four.
Doug, if I might...
One, two, three...
- Four... | - Twelve.
Doug, I'd like you to meet Four.
I got a wallet. | That guy gave it to me.
I'm going to drive a car.
He's got a wallet. | Come here. Come here.
- Where did he come from? | - He'll help us out around here.
Do the day-to-day stuff. Clean the | house, take out the trash and so on.
Forget that! | What the hell is wrong with him?
Nothing.
Nothing's really wrong. | He's a little special.
He's fine. He'll be all right.
- He's special, all right. | - We made a copy from Two.
Sometimes a copy from a copy is | not quite as sharp as the original.
Leeds loved it. | because it was very experimental.
We got a great deal.
Leeds loved it? | Good. Because I hate it.
You can't just go around | cloning people. That's crazy!
Listen up. | Listen really clearly to me.
Rule number two. First of all... | We all remember rule number one.
- No sleeping with your wife. | - That's important.
- Rule number two: No more Dougs. | - This is plenty, I think.
I'll call Leeds tomorrow. We're | out of the Doug-making business.
- Am I clear? Am I clear on this? | - The book's closed on that one.
I like pizza. | I like it!
We're going to need a cage.
Bye, Steve. | Good party.
I like Steve.
- How did it go? | - I'm telling you, this is great!
You want some really great sailing? | Bring Mrs. Doug tomorrow -
- and come to Catalina | with Robin and me on my big boat.
We'll cruise the Avalon Harbour | at sunset. Champagne on board.
We'd leave you alone. You make love | right on the boat. Very romantic.
- Think about Catalina. | - I'll call you.
Honey, may I do that? | I want to show you something.
First of all, this piece | of aluminium foil is too small.
It can't cover it all, so you'll get | that hard crust around the meat. -
- and nobody wants to eat that.
At Christmas time | we can make an ornament out of it.
And save those fries. We'll paint | them and hang them on the tree.
The kids are going to love that. | Okay, we'll take a fresh piece.
Now we fold up one side. | Make sure we're even.
Then I fold once. twice or three | times. Whatever you need to fold it.
But don't just roll it over. Then | you have that lump in the middle.
Fold it nicely, so no air gets | in there. Air is our enemy.
Then take this. | Tuck, tuck, fold. T.T.F.
Two tucks and a fold. | I just think of Elizabeth Taylor.
Now roll it over nice and flat. | No air is going to get in there.
We could send it off to NASA and | nothing would happen. Now, the lid.
That's very nice. | Very nice.
Doug, I've noticed some things about | you lately that make me think...
- What? | - Nothing.
Go like this.
Can I just do something?
See what that does? It frames you | better. It gives you height.
Why don't you go relax | and let me finish cleaning up?
Why?
- Are you sure? | - I'm sure.
Freezer. Second shelf. | With all the other meat products.
Unless it's in a skin casing. | Then it goes lower... In the bin.
That was a great meal, honey.
- You cooked it. | - But you ate it.
Were you wearing that shirt earlier?
- This? Yes, sure. | - I'm losing it.
Dad, watch this.
- I'll show you "walking the dog". | - You just showed me before dinner.
I did? | That's right. I forgot.
You want to go get some ice cream?
Unless we already did.
- Doug, did you decide? | - Did I decide what?
What we talked about all evening. | You said you'd think about it.
I did. | I gave it a lot of thought.
What did you think?
Well, I gave it a lot of thought.
I think whatever you think is | probably the smartest thing to do.
Don't put this all on me. | They're your kids, too.
Can I say something? | Let's leave the kids out of this.
You want to go to Disney World | without the kids?
No. I don't want to do that. | That wouldn't be fair to the kids.
To go, just you and me, would be | stupid. When is it we're going?
- Christmas. I bought the tickets. | - Are you nuts?
- You told me to buy them. | - Not me.
- Not me. Not me. | - You're driving me crazy!
I call and you bite my head off. | At times you're as sweet as can be.
Then you're obsessed with details, | and now you don't even listen to me.
- What is going on with you? | - Nothing. Nothing's wrong with me.
You could have bipolar disorder | or multiple personalities.
Let's sail to Catalina.
- Drink wine and make love. | - Doug, you don't sail.
But I drink and make love. | The sailing... How hard can it be?
We can't just sail off to Catalina.
Let's be spontaneous! | We used to do stuff like this.
You're the one who wants to go | to Ecuador and throw harpoons.
- Doug, that's just talk. | - Let's do it. Why not?
Your job. My job. Jennifer's dance | recital. The Donaldsons' party.
- I'm not going to that. | - You said you were.
When you figure out what you want, | would you just let me know?
- Hello? | - In here, Doug.
Three?
- Can I talk to you for a second? | - Sure, Doug.
- What's up? | - I have to go away.
- It's a business trip. | - Business trip?
- I handle the business. | - He does. Steve.
Fine. it's not business. I need to | be alone and figure some things out.
You need to get centered. Good idea. | You deserve that.
- You have to be me night and day. | - What about rule number one?
Rule number one. Steve! | What's rule number one?
Rain Man, go floss yourself.
The rule stands. Remember when I had | a bronchial infection? You got it.
Cough. Tell her you don't want her | to catch it. Can you handle that?
- I have a sore throat and a fever. | - Do you want me to handle it?
- No. Thanks, though. | - I'm just trying to help out.
- Is he safe with that? | - We take the blade out.
We shave him while he's sleeping.
It's cute.
All right, I'm counting on you.
Hi. Walt.
- Where's your wife? | - She couldn't make it.
Don't you want to wait | until she can come?
- No. she'll come next time. | - All right. Come aboard.
Doug...
I'm sorry. I understand why you | wanted us to go away together.
It sounded romantic. But we don't | have to go away to make love.
- Are you all right? | - I'm coming down with something.
I've got a lot of phlegm, | and I'm burning up.
I think I have a fever. | We'd better not get close tonight.
- I'm not worried. | - I don't want you to get sick.
I just think... You know what? | Maybe if you'd not do that...
- Maybe I ought to sleep in the den. | - Just relax.
Hey, did you hear from your parents? | How are they?
I'm really feeling sick.
I'm going to make you feel better.
- You weren't that sick after all. | - No. I guess not.
That was so unusual. | I've never seen you cry like that.
That time when the souffle fell. | But besides that...
l guess I was just moved by it all.
- You know what I want now? | - No.
Graham crackers and chocolate milk.
- You want some? | - No, thanks. I've had plenty.
What have I done? | What have I done?
- Hey! Who ate all the bologna? | - Burglars.
- Did you eat everything? | - Count Chocula.
That's it. I'm starving. I'll sneak | in and get something to eat.
Doug, you startled me! | Change your mind?
Yes, I changed my mind. | I think.
Want some?
You taste good.
You taste pretty good yourself.
Remember when we used | to make love all over the house?
I remember.
Aren't you hungry? | Boy, I could go for one of these...
... canned hams.
Wait. I don't know if this is... | the worst idea in the world.
I don't think we should do this. | l have a really bad cough.
Of course it could clear up | in a second.
I want you.
I'm not so sure... Okay.
Grab that.
That was athletic. | Better than the Stair-Master.
I guess I got a little carried away. | Are you all right?
Shouldn't we go back upstairs?
- I guess. Here. | - Thanks.
Laura, I almost forgot. There are | some things I have to take care of.
- I'll be up in a minute. | - The kids.
I forgot to shut the windows | in the Volvo.
No problem. I'll get it.
Sorry about yelling!
Steve?
Oh, baby!
You're drenched. | I'm sorry. Come upstairs.
I don't know what I was thinking.
You're soaking. Come on | and get out of these wet clothes.
I'm sorry, I was so selfish.
Let me help you with those pants.
Again?
- My peepee. | - I see.
So much for rule number one.
A hell of a ride.
Maybe we'll get the onshore wind | tomorrow. That'll be easier.
You ought to sit up | or you'll start feeling ill again.
- I'm sorry I hurled on your dog. | - It's not the first time.
Some people really shouldn't sail.
Maybe not. I was pretty | miserable there for a while.
It wasn't just | the getting sick part.
When I was down there | with my head in the head...
My whole life actually | flashed before my eyes.
The funny part is... | I wasn't in it.
I've got to get back into my life.
I have no idea what the hell | you're talking about.
But good luck to you.
- 103. You're not going anywhere. | - You're not going anywhere, Steve.
- The building inspector's coming. | - You're too sick to go anywhere.
- Del King. | - Del? It's Doug.
- How are you doing? | - Not good. I can't make it today.
- Why don't you rip out my liver? | - You're being a little dramatic?
If we don't get inspected today, | that guy won't be back for a month.
I understand. But I'm really ill. | Can't someone else meet him?
Nobody knows this job like you do. | Get down here or you're fired!
Nice attitude. Del.
- He said... | - I heard him. I have to go.
- You can't go. | - I have to go.
- Maybe I'll lie down for a... | - Take care of him. I'm going.
Sorry, Steve, | that leg has to come off.
All right. | So these are the water pipes.
And you've got hot and cold | available in all units.
That's very nice. | And what's that? It looks like...
It's the gas line, which would feed | natural gas to all appliances -
- which would require natural gas.
You're not answering the question.
- What was the question? | - The plan showed two-inch lines.
Go like this. | You've got something... That's it.
- Why did you go with one-inch? | - That's right. Now I remember.
So what's the answer?
Can you excuse me for a second?
Why did you decide | to use one-inch gas lines?
Knock it off!
Originally there were two ovens, | but King cut it back to one.
Got it. I remember now. The original | plan called for two ovens.
Somebody decided to cut back | to one to save money, I guess.
I like a double oven. | Sure there's a lot of bending, -
- but you can have a turkey in | the bottom and rutabaga up top.
- It's nice for entertaining. | - But you stubbed out for two.
What if someone wants two ovens?
I don't know. | Hold on a second.
- This is ridiculous. | - Wait...
He can't answer the questions, he | runs off. You know what that means?
- Alcohol and drugs. | - God knows what he's done here.
Because of the oven we took | the laundry room off this line.
- We ran a separate line for that. | - What about the gas fireplaces?
Thinking. Thinking. | Boy, does he have some tough ones.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
Wait a second. | You're entitled to your opinion.
But it's not fair to judge anyone | after one superficial conversation.
- We have to re-inspect everything. | - Kinney. Doug Kinney.
Stop all work until further notice. | I'll be back in about three weeks.
Get your act together or you'll lose | your license. And get him some help.
You what? | You got fired? How?
No, no, no. | Just come home.
Doug, what are you doing home?
- Are you sick? | - Yes. We're out of Pepto-Bismol.
- What about your big inspection? | - I guess I missed it, didn't I?
Wasn't it important? I rearranged | everything so you could go.
What are you, some kind of saint? | Do you want me to give you a medal?
Now I feel better.
Doug, you've been under | a lot of pressure lately.
But when you talk like that, | I think you mean it. It hurts me.
Something is happening lately. | I feel like I don't know you.
It scares me, Doug.
You tell yourself | that your problems aren't serious.
They happen to everyone. You hope | they'll go away, but they don't.
It's like this house. | You always said you'd fix it up.
"I'll fix it," you always say. | But nothing ever gets fixed.
I need to know what you're feeling.
I need to know if you still love me.
Please, just tell me | what you want.
I want pizza.
What?
I want pizza. | Give me some pizza.
Hey! Are you guys crazy? | What if Laura walks in?
Not much chance of that, sport.
- Where is she? | - She left you.
Nothing but tail lights.
She took the kids and went to her | mother's. They're in Palm Springs.
- I'm sorry. Did you eat? | - Forget that! Wait a minute.
- What happened with Laura? | - We had a fight.
- Why were you even talking to her? | - It's complicated.
I was pissed off | because I got fired.
No. he did. You couldn't answer | a few, simple, basic questions.
Simple questions? It was like being | on Jeopardy, for crying out loud.
- Knock it off! | - Puke-face.
Did you bring me a monkey?
- There's something else. | - What?
About rule number one...
What about it?
We bent it a little.
We bent it a lot. | Damn near broke the thing off.
- Did you sleep with my wife? | - Let's have some tea.
I'm sorry, Doug. | She's a powerful woman.
Take it easy!
She thought it was you.
The fact is... | She thought I was you, too.
- We're not perfect. | - We're not perfect.
I don't believe this!
I leave you alone for one day! | And you totally destroy my life.
We didn't destroy your life. | You did.
Actually, we were trying to save it, | and we were doing pretty good.
We just had one really bad day.
We tried. She was unstoppable. | It was like she couldn't get...
She touched my peepee, Steve.
I don't understand this.
We've had fights before, but...
Why did she leave?
- You don't fix stuff. | - What?
You always say you're going to | fix stuff, and then you don't.
Did Laura say that?
Maybe.
You talked to her before she left?
Maybe. | I don't remember.
This will refresh your memory.
Where do you put all that stuff?
Did you? | Did she tell you something?
She talked to me a lot.
She was afraid and she cried.
She cried?
She cried, because...
- Because I don't fix anything? | - She's scared.
She's scared.
- I'll buy you a present for this. | - A chainsaw?
Or a book. Something really nice.
Come on up. | I'm spitting on bugs.
- What's going on? | - I need you guys to help me.
I'm putting my life back together. | Come on. Let's go.
- About time. | - Polyblend.
- Steve, can I help? | - Grab the end of that plastic.
You said to be here at 8:30. | I'd like you to note the time.
- 9:15. | - This thing drives me nuts.
I'm sorry I spoke to you like that. | You're the best cement man alive.
- Really? | - No. No one else was available.
I can accept that. | You said you had your own guys?
Hi. Vic.
- Let's go to work. | - Fair enough.
Okay, you heard him.
I made some really tasty sandwiches | if you want one.
Great.
- Tuna with curried mayonnaise. | - I like that.
That's why I made them.
Let me ask you something.
The other night, when you were...
- When you were with Laura... | - I'll tell you something.
When she wants something, | there's no stopping her.
- I don't want any details. | - No, no. I know.
You think that...
... that she liked you | better than she likes me?
Of course not, Doug. | First of all, you are me.
- I am you. Do you understand? | - Yes, that's right.
I'm me, you're me and I'm you.
I know she loves you, Doug.
I wasn't there for her.
Even when I was there | I wasn't there.
Remember what you said about | quality time with your family?
Trust me. It's all quality time.
That's for sure.
You have to brush your teeth.
Don't forget your books and jackets. | Grandpa will take you to school.
Dad! Did you come to take us home?
Go inside and let me talk to Dad. | You can see Daddy later.
Come on, you guys. | Hurry up.
- How was the desert? | - Great. Just what I needed.
I saw on the weather | that it was like 175 degrees.
It was a little hot.
All right, here's the deal. | I'm going to ask you to come home.
But I won't plead with you. | If you say yes, great.
But don't expect me to stand in | front of the neighbours and beg.
I don't think...
Stop it. Get up. Why didn't | you talk to me? It was mean.
- That wasn't me. | - That's just the point.
I was a little confused about who | I was. All right, real confused.
Look, it's happened to you. | You want to be a mom and to work.
You want to be independent, but you | need to be taken care of a little.
- It gets confusing, doesn't it? | - Yes.
Come home, | so I can show you something.
Come on. | Just for a minute.
It's beautiful. Oh, Doug.
This is perfect.
Great, right?
The wall's gone.
It's just like I dreamed...
I'm so glad you like it.
It's so pretty.
How did you do this?
I had some of the boys do some | work and we just got it done.
If you put your mind to it, | you can do anything.
- What do you think? | - I think it's a miracle.
It's good, right? I told you | I'd finish it. I just needed time.
I'm thinking of starting my own | business. What do you think?
That way I could set my own hours.
I don't want to do anything big. | l want to start with small projects.
Bird houses and mail boxes. | Stuff like that.
That'd be nice.
I love you so much.
I mean, I just...
I just really love you.
Whatever I do. | whatever you need to do...
As long as we're both rowing | the same boat we'll be fine.
- Bye, honey! | - See you.
Bye!
Where are you guys headed?
- Wherever the road takes us. | - Maybe Florida. Stop off in Vegas.
We're going to eat a dolphin.
- No, you're going to pet one. | - Right. We'll pet a dolphin.
- Will you be all right? | - We'll be okay.
- We'll be fine. Don't worry. | - How about you? You'll be okay?
I'm going to be fine.
I'll tell you one thing. | You're three good-looking guys.
- When he's right, he's right. | - I guess.
- I'll see you. | - Bye, Doug.
See you, Steve.
If a T. Rex fought with a tank... | Who'd win?
I don't know, honey.
Mom?
You know | how to tell you love someone?
When everyone reminds you of them.
Dear Doug. | Greetings from sunny Miami.
We've been open for six months | and business is booming.
Two is happy because he gets | to meet new people every day.
You know how nice he can be | when he wants to.
I'm cooking up a storm | and having a ball.
The pizzas are selling like crazy. | People just love my pepperoni.
And you'd be so proud of Four.
He's working two jobs. In the | morning he delivers newspapers.
And the rest of the day | he delivers pizzas for us.