MAN: Does your husband
know anything about this?
- Hm? What did you say?
MAN: Your husband.
Did he have any idea
you were coming here today?
No, I don't think so.
Now, this is calcium
and a few other things.
You'll find the directions
on the label.
Now, just go on leading
a perfectly normal life.
Eat whatever you like, take plenty
of exercise and get lots of sleep.
- When do you think it'll be, doctor?
- Oh, about Christmas, I'd say.
- Christmas.
- Unless you're from the South...
...where women take their time.
Hadn't you better hurry?
It's almost time for your broadcast.
You mean exactly Christmas?
Well, not necessarily Christmas day.
Say a week or 1 O days either way.
- A first baby is...
- Broadcast!
- My goodness, what time is it?
- It's 28 after 4.
- It can't be.
- Oh, let me help you.
We're on the air in 30 minutes.
Jack will kill me.
Well, in that case, just don't bother
to have that prescription filled.
I'll see if I can get a cab for you.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Operator? Operator?
Are you ringing that number?
- Did you find her?
- There's no answer in her apartment.
Maybe she went to the Ritz.
I'll get the number.
Why get so excited?
Suppose she does miss a broadcast.
Is Russia marching?
Will Soth Pacfc play?
Stop being profound
and get Jack aspirin.
He's going crazy.
Oh, never mind, here she is now.
Kitty, where have you been?
- Jack's going crazy in there.
- Hi, Walter.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
For heaven's sakes, Kitty.
Do you realize what time it is?
- I'm sorry.
- The next time I marry...
...a knuckle-headed dame.
I'm gonna get a divorce.
- Get my lawyer.
- I'm all out of breath.
- What kept you?
- I had to go up on Fifth Avenue.
[JACK MUTTERING]
Shh! We're on the air.
From coast to coast,
the Cosmo Cosmetcs Program...
...starring Kitty and Jack Moran.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING
AND AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
- What'd you do that for?
- I'm sorry, I just couldn't help it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
last week Kitty and Jack promised...
...never to be argumentative
or jealous again.
For a week
they've lived up to their agreement.
We now take you to
the Starlight Roof at the Waldorf...
...where we find them dancing
cheek to cheek.
Do you know why
I wanted to come here tonight?
No, sweetheart, why?
Because this is where
we first fell in love.
But we didn't fall in love
here on the Starlight Roof.
- You have your roofs mixed.
- Now, don't try to tell me...
...where we fell in love.
I had to pay the check.
But you told me you couldn't
afford the Starlight Roof in those days.
You sure you haven't got me mixed up
with Bessy Whatever-Her-Name-Is?
Now, for heaven's sakes,
don't start that again.
Then don't tell me
where we fell in love.
Okay, okay.
Then you tell me.
- In a doctor's office.
- In a doc...
I... When were we ever
at a doctor's office?
Oh, about Christmastime.
JACK: That champagne I bought you
must have gone to your head.
- What will we be doing at the doctor's?
- Getting some calcium.
Would you change scripts,
because there's nothing about calcium.
We should be in the Starlight Roof
dancing. Cheek to cheek.
Nothing about calcium,
doctor's office or Christma...
Kitty. No.
That's what I've been trying
to tell you.
Oh, baby.
I don't remember writing
anything like that.
- You didn't.
- I didn't?
Somebody's gone nuts.
She's just told him
and 23 million bug-eyed listeners...
- ... she's gonna have a baby, that's all.
- A baby?
Mm-hm. What else would the idiot
be carrying on like an idiot about?
Well, if you ask me,
it's a nice day for it.
Begin the song.
The song. "Deductible. "
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
CHORUS [SINGING]:
The bggest complant wherever we go
Is taxes. taxes. taxes
The queston s where do we get
The dough for taxes. taxes. taxes
[SINGING]
Income taxes
People are runnng from store to store
From Macy's up to Saks'
Mobody wants to work any more
Because of ncome taxes
Income taxes
Ths s the knd of thnkng
That could be easly be destructble
Haven't they learned
The more they make
The more there s deductble?
- Deductble
- Deductble
- Deductble
- Deductble
It's deductble
It's deductble
A man can make a phone call
From Jersey to the Coast
It used to be expensve
But today you'll hear hm boast
It's deductble
It's deductble
You gve a pompous party
Pretentous wth your booze
They break up all your furnture
Well. what've you got to lose?
Crazy world
Crazy tmes
Love that world
What's the dfference
If nothng rhymes?
It's uproarous
But t's glorous
If you're the boss
Then you can toss t off
As loss or gan
CHORUS:
Why complan?
[MOUTHING]
Deductble
[SINGING]
We're all nterested n redemptons
How do you get
Your maxmum exemptons?
"The dependent must be
one of the followng:
Grandson. granddaughter.
great-grandson. great-granddaughter
Father. mother. sster. brother
Half sster. half brother
Grandfather. grandmother
Nephew. nece. uncle. aunt
Father-n-law. mother-n-law
Daughter-n-law. brother-n-law
Stepson. stepdaughter. stepfather
Stepmother. stepbrother. stepsster"
I'm tellng you. mster
- They're deductble
- Deductble
- They're deductble
- Deductble
A Texan drlls an ol well
The ol well don't produce
The Texan doesn't worry
'Cause he's got a good excuse
- It's deductble
- Deductble
- It's deductble
- Deductble
Producer gets an angel
Producer gets a flop
The angel doesn't worry
'Cause the flop comes off the top
Crazy world
Crazy tmes
Love that world
What's the dfference
If nothng rhymes
Hey. t's rratonal
But t's natonal
If you decde to take that rde
- And be a brde and groom
- Added room
Deductble
Includng offsprng
- Elzabeth Ann and Betty Lou
- Olver Dan. Penelope Sue
Jmmy. Johnny. Dasy. Harry
Randy. Ronny. Maze. Mary
Have all you want
- They're deductble
- They're deductble
ANNOUNCER:
The perfect beauty cream...
MAN: Gee, Jack, that's wonderful.
JACK: Thanks.
- Say, Jack, that's swell.
- Thank you.
WALTER:
Hey, wait a minute, you two.
- When's the party?
- What party?
You don't have kids
without a clambake.
- Dancing girls...
- Be quiet. You just need an excuse.
It's wonderful.
I'm tickled to death.
Thanks, Janet. I'm excited myself.
Welcome, brother.
I knew you could do it.
It's nothing. Like rolling off a log.
All you gotta do now is learn to knit.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Bill.
- Thanks. Good night.
- Wonderful. Good night.
- Well, goodbye.
- Jack...
Can't you see they have
to talk? Leave them.
Don't kid me. If what she said is on
the level, they've already been alone.
Are you really pleased?
After all the time and effort
I put into this project?
How do you think Mr. Milton's
gonna take it?
He'll be jealous, as usual.
He'll wonder
why we didn't consult him.
He'll have to know sooner or later.
Yeah, there's no way out.
Let's break it to him together.
- Hello, Mr. Milton.
JACK: Hi, Milt.
Hello, sweetheart,
how's my boy?
- How's my boy?
- How do you think...
...we ought to break it to him?
With the birds and bees?
No, no, straight from the shoulder,
man to man.
Milt.
How would you like
a nice baby brother, all human?
- Or maybe a little sister?
- Oh, heaven forbid.
Somebody to play with
while we work?
Somebody you can teach to stand
on his hind legs, chase balls...
...chew up a few pairs of argyle socks
or a cashmere sweater or two.
KITTY:
Oh, I was afraid of that.
- Come here, baby.
- Come on, Milt.
[JACK WHISTLES]
- Mr. Milty.
- Milty.
Well, he'll just gonna
have to get used to it.
Come on, let's go eat.
I've got the strangest craving for food.
Not for something exotic
like a great big dill pickle?
Yeah, come to think of it,
something like a dill pickle.
Oh, really.
KITTY [SINGING]:
Just you and )ust me
And baby makes three
[PIANO PLAYING]
Quiet, everyone.
Quiet. Quiet, please.
Will you sit down, ladies?
- What are you gonna do?
- You'll find out. Quiet, please.
[PIANO STOPS]
Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us
tonight a man, a very modest man.
While the world blasts its head off
about its scientific miracles...
...here sits a man...
...a man who has just performed
the greatest miracle in the world.
ALL:
Hear, hear!
[PIANO PLAYING]
Take a look at him, ladies.
Take a very good look.
He's a study by Whistler.
And I'll bet he can cook.
[GUESTS LAUGHING]
[SINGING]
What a man. what a man
About to gve the world hs best
What a man
What a man
From now on there'll be no rest
He expects to carry on
The famly name
Put a lttle genus
In the Hall of Fame
It was hard to make hm confess
That ths mracle occurred
Under stress
Now hs frends are gong wld
He's about to be a father wth chld
What a man. what a man
What a man
What a wonderful. wonderful man
What a man
[GUESTS LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
- It's late.
- The evening's just begun.
- It's getting late. Good night, Walter.
- I don't wanna go home yet.
- This is no time to go.
- That's a good boy. Come on.
Hey, what is this?
Say, Janet, what's the idea...
...of everybody wanting to go home?
It's after 2:00, dear. It sounds strange,
but some people like to go to bed.
What for? I'm having fun.
You just sit down and wait.
- Stay right there. Now, don't go away.
- Let me help you.
- Walter's wonderful.
- Except when he's having a party.
It was such fun.
When will we see you?
Come up to the country.
Now that we got the farm,
I can't get Walter out.
The children are worse.
Come on, gang, you can't leave yet.
We gotta do another chorus, anyway.
Hey, fellas, look. This way.
[MEN IMITATING BAGPIPES]
[PIANO PLAYING]
WALTER [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]:
What a man. what a man
- He can hold hs head up hgh
- Jack, Walter.
What a man. what a man
See hm comng through the rye
From the rockbound coast of Mane
- To Kokomo
- Kokomo
They're applaudng ths here
Gant of a schmo
Now the pper's got to be pad
Every day there'll be
A few changes made
Better save those safety pns
It could be a set of trplets or twns
What a man. what a man
What a man
What a wonderful. wonderful man
This can go on all night.
I've had my hat and cape on
for half an hour.
My husband never knows when to go.
I really could brain Walter.
[ALL IMITATING BAGPIPES]
It's the greatest feat
Snce the Plgrms landed
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
But you ddn't do t sngle-handed
May your troubles all be
Lttle ones to share
Gve them tme. gve them room
Gve them ar
What a man
What a woman
What a par
Be gentle with me,
I've just become a father of triplets.
Jack, it's 3:OO in the morning.
You can't tell
when these things will happen.
I never knew it was gonna be
so much fun having babies.
I like this one the best.
You know why?
- Why?
- It looks like me.
Besides, I think it's a girl.
May I have the keys, please?
- The keys?
- I'm driving.
Are you insinuating
that I can't drive?
Oh, of course not, dear.
It's just that your hands are full.
- I'll put the children in the back.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
- Put this with them.
- Well, thank you.
- All right, now, the keys, please.
The doctor said it's bad for me
not to have my own way.
All right. It's always been
bad for you not to have your own way...
...so what's smart about him?
- Get in.
JACK: Top of the morning.
- The rest of the day to you, sir.
JACK: Thank you.
- Wasn't planning on driving, now?
JACK: No, I'm not allowed to drive.
I'm gonna become a father.
KITTY:
We're being careful with him, officer.
- Good night.
- Good night.
JACK:
Good night.
[HORNS HONKING
AND TIRES SCREECHING]
I don't know how we got here,
but we're over the Hudson River.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
OFFICER: What happened?
- Get me an ambulance, quick.
OFFICER: All right, stand aside.
Out of the way, please.
Lady's slipper, Cyprpedm.
They're very rare, very beautiful.
I grow them myself in my own backyard
over in Beekman Place, by the river.
They help to keep your mind
off a lot of things.
There's nothing like a hobby.
I used to read a great deal...
...but somehow the state of modern
literature and the modern world...
Oh, a few old friends like Dickens,
they still amuse me. But the...
- Does Jack know?
- That you lost your baby?
That I can never have another one.
That in all probability
you can never have another one.
I'm not God.
I haven't the last word
in these matters.
He wanted a baby so badly.
A son.
I felt so good,
so right these last few months.
It wasn't just an idea anymore.
Even if it wasn't born, it was a baby.
Your husband's outside.
He's been pretty worried about you.
Shall I go along
and tell him that you're all right?
You are all right, aren't you?
- Yes. Yes, I'm all right.
- That's the way to talk.
Now, if you can just manage
a little smile.
Good. I'll drop in and see you later
in the afternoon.
Oh, I'll take one of these,
if you don't mind.
JACK:
May I come in?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, you got a lot of new ones.
Maybe I ought to open up a flower shop.
- Aren't they beautiful?
- Yeah.
I told the nurse to put some of them
in the chapel. There's so many of them.
- How's it going?
- Fine.
That's what the doctor said.
You ought to be out of here
in three or four days.
I've been thinking. Maybe we ought to
take a little trip, you and I.
Get on a boat, go somewhere,
have a little fun.
- Unless, of course...
- Unless what?
It's nothing. I probably shouldn't
bring it up now, but I saw Mr. Carroll...
- Our sponsor?
- Yeah.
A funny thing,
that's all he ever was to me.
Just a sponsor.
It never occurred to me
he was a human being.
He's been over here twice
to see how you are.
I know. He sent
some lovely flowers. Those.
Pretty. You know he's got a wife
and a couple of sons?
- Oh, really?
- He said he had a program for us.
I didn't go into it because
I didn't know how you'd feel.
- It's television.
- Television.
- Say, this isn't tiring you, is it?
- Oh, no.
I told him we'd think about it later.
How soon could we start?
Any time, I suppose.
I don't want you to think about it yet.
It's just something we'll keep in mind.
I'd like to do it as quickly as we can.
It takes time to put
a program like this together.
Now that Janet and Walter
bought that farm, he's writing a book.
- They'd come back if we asked them to.
- Oh, I don't know.
They seem pretty determined,
last time we spoke.
They swore they were
through writing scripts.
There's no harm in asking, is there?
No, I suppose not,
not if you really want to.
Oh, I do. I do.
There's nothing like having something
to take your mind off things.
- At least this is new and different.
- Maybe you're right.
Because in television, except for a few
people like Milton Berle and Ed Witt...
...why, the thing's wide open.
We can move right in, you and I.
We'll make this our baby, and then...
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to say that.
It just slipped out.
It's all right.
We mustn't be afraid to talk about it.
You've just had a haircut,
haven't you?
[ROOSTER CROWING]
[HORN HONKING]
JACK:
Walter. Janet. Anybody home?
KITTY: That's funny.
They knew we were coming.
There's always things to do on a farm,
you know.
Milk the cows, feed the geese,
shovel whatever...
Oh, what about the bags?
Oh, I'll get them later.
KITTY:
My goodness, the house is haunted.
Look, ghosts.
CHILD: Boo!
- Oh!
I forgot today is Halloween.
- I'm scared to death, aren't you?
- We ought to run and hide?
KITTY: No, they might try to follow us.
JACK: Yeah.
[SCREECHES]
Run for your life,
this place is alive with them.
[SHRIEKS]
[CHILDREN YELLING
AND SCREAMING]
WALTER: Look who's here.
JANET: Hello, Kitty.
Well, that's the idea of what to
expect when you come to the Pringles'.
Typically Pringle.
Bring them out with a laugh.
Who are these critters, goblins?
Where are their faces?
Children, take off your masks
and let Mrs. Moran see you.
I don't think you've met them.
- This is our Laura.
KITTY: Hello, Laura.
- Hello, Mrs. Moran.
JANET: Henry, Priscilla, Jenny, Mark and...
- And this is Tony.
JACK: Oh, yeah.
They've been like wild Indians
since they knew you were coming.
- We like wild Indians.
- I even married one.
- I'll help you with your bags.
- I'm in the country.
Here two minutes
and he puts me to work.
- Are you really Kitty?
- My word of honor.
My papa told me you were pretty.
Your papa is an old flatterer.
What else did he say?
He said if we pretended
to be right bright...
...maybe you and Mr. Moran
would sing after supper.
- Oh, yes.
- Would you like that...
...or is that your papa's idea?
We'd love it.
We heard you on the radio.
Children, wait a minute.
Mrs. Moran's just come
into the house and she's our guest.
We want her to do what she wants.
- Don't we, Henry?
- No, we want her to sing.
Yes, we want her to sing.
Well, anything
that Tony wants, I want.
And what will I get if I promise to sing?
A great big kiss?
Will you get lipstick on me?
- Why? Don't you like lipstick?
- No.
All right, then.
I'll give you a butterfly kiss.
- How's that?
- That tickles.
Run along, children,
and leave Mrs. Moran alone.
[ALL CHATTERING]
Janet, they're wonderful.
I'll show you where you'll sleep.
- Straight up the stairs.
- I'm crazy about your house. It's lovely.
JANET:
We like it. The plumbing's a bit rustic.
But thaws easily.
- Hey, Milton, come on, hurry up.
- Come on, Milty.
JACK:
See your new house.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Ladies and gentlemen...
...do you realize
how this holiday came about?
When it all started? Why it exists?
Well, we're about to tell you.
It ain't no fairy tale, but it's grim.
JACK AND KITTY:
Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak.
[SINGING] Once pon a tme
In the long. long ago
Man's courage was hgh
But hs sprt was low
People grew tred
of all work and no play
They felt the need of a )olly holday
Then along came Chrstmas
Along came Easter
Along came Fourth of July
Then along came a man
By the name of Berln
Who took every holday
That ever has been
- He wrote about Chrstmas
- He wrote about Easter
He wrote about the Fourth of July
Hs mnd was fertle
And hs pen was keen
But he never wrote a word
About Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Hot jack-o'- lantern
It's Halloween
Apples hangng hgh
There's a bg pumpkn pe
In the sky
- Chldren sng. chldren waltz
- Shh!
Who gves a darn
If your face s false?
Jump on your broom lke a wtch
Go and toss all your gloom n the dtch
Go out on the street
For a trck or a treat
You're a cnch to strke t rch
Halloween
Halloween
All other holdays
Fall between
The nght of All Hallows
So lght up the tallow
And make t a brght Halloween
WALTER: Owls and ats
Howls from cats
May scare the buttons
Rght off your spats
We'll now go dramatc
Wth ghosts from the attc
And make t a brght Halloween
Halloween
Halloween
Watch out for the monsters
On Halloween
For goblns are hobbln'
And demons are screamn'
So don't you get caught n between
On ths nght full of frghtful
Delghtful old spooks
It's Halloween
[CHILDREN YELL]
ALL:
More, more. More, more.
No, children. Come on.
No, that's all tonight.
Off to bed, hurry up.
Let's go.
WALTER: Good night, sweetheart.
KITTY: Good night, darling.
Good night, pal. Good night.
See you shortly.
Your daddy's pretty enough already,
he doesn't need a beauty sleep.
- Good night, Kitty.
- Good night, Tony.
Would you give me a hug?
[TONY YELLS]
- Oh! Did you say he was only 4?
- Chip off the old block.
- Good night, Jack.
- Good night, Tony. How about a kiss?
- I don't kiss men.
- You don't? Well, put her there, then.
- Cigarette before you turn in, old man?
- I don't smoke.
Okay, off you go.
- Remember, no radio.
TONY: Good night, Kitty.
WALTER:
Lights out in two jerks of a pig's tail.
JANET:
No talking and no giggling.
- Good night, Kitty.
KITTY: Good night, honey.
WALTER:
On your way.
- Oh, Janet, they're really great children.
- Thanks.
- I'm so jealous I think I'll go.
- You've both been sweet.
- I think you made a conquest, Kitty.
- Tony? He's my type, all right.
What's the idea
of that cigarette business?
Well, I'm trying to teach them...
What am I trying
to teach them, Janet?
I don't know, dear,
but it's something useful, I'm sure.
Walter, he's certainly your son. Of all
the charmers. He looks like you too.
- You really think so?
- The spitting image.
Fortunately, those children
look just like their mother.
That's funny, because two of them
aren't ours, you know.
KITTY: What?
- I thought you knew that.
- Laura and Tony are adopted.
- No. This is the first I ever heard of it.
It isn't something you talk about.
I didn't even think about it myself.
As far as I'm concerned,
there's absolutely no difference.
But when did you do it?
I mean, why?
Because for the first three years of our
marriage, there was no sign of a family.
I was afraid I was gonna become
one of those frustrated women.
So out of desperation,
we decided to adopt one.
Then, brother. One, two, three in a row.
I was afraid to shake hands with her.
I guess it was because
I stopped worrying.
But you said Tony too.
JANET: His mother and father
died in an accident.
He wasn't quite 3 months old
when we got him.
I thought it might be a good idea
if you would consider...
Where did you get them?
JANET:
Through the Sarah Wilson Foundation.
I'll give you the address
in case you ever want...
- Well, I bows to you.
- And nods accordingly.
Likewise.
The reason we came out here
was to try and talk you two...
...into doing a television show.
That right, Kitty?
What? Oh, yes.
Why, you inconsiderate
city-bred fella, you.
Do you think I'd give up my book,
leave this farm for that?
- Unless, of course, it pays money.
- Unless, of course, it pays money.
- Oh, only a few thousand a week.
- A mere pittance.
- Real money?
JACK: Oh, yes.
- Exchangeable in any bar in America.
WALTER: Well, let's drink it over.
- Well...
- We might as well go in and look.
Is there any law that says
we have to take one we don't like?
Oh, I think you can at least
pick and choose.
What do we have to lose?
- Is it a boy?
- You bet he is.
- Oh, he's beautiful.
- Thank you.
Come on, honey.
Have you ever applied for a child
in any other home or agency?
- No.
- Who sent you to us?
Mr. and Mrs. Pringle,
Walter Pringle.
Oh, yes, of course,
Mr. and Mrs. Pringle.
You'll want to use them
for one of your references.
- One?
- You'll need at least three.
Father's occupation?
We're Kitty and Jack Moran.
Remember?
Oh, yes, of course, how dull of me.
Jack and Kitty Moran.
I still don't seem to place you.
What do you do?
We've been on the radio.
Now we're going into television.
Oh-oh.
What does that mean, "Oh-oh"?
Oh, there's nothing
to worry about, really.
It's just that we've had two or three
rather unfortunate experiences...
...with people from the stage,
and Mrs. Johnston...
That's she there on the wall.
... Sarah Wilson was her mother.
Well, she's a wonderful woman, but...
She doesn't think that actors
are parent material, is that it?
Oh, there's no set rule.
It all depends on the individual
and the kind of program that you do.
We have a comedy program.
Yes, and we've also been
known to sing and dance.
Oh, I suppose I should be ashamed
to admit it...
...but I never listen
to programs like that.
Squeaking doors, murder,
that's the kind of thing I like.
Just last night,
I was listening to this program.
There was a detective,
he was on a case...
...oh, I forget what it was,
but, oh, it was thrilling.
I don't know how they ever think
up all those things, do you?
It's one of the mysteries of the ages.
Would it be possible
to see the babies...
...and give you an idea
of what we'd like?
Oh, but there aren't any babies
available at the moment, Mrs. Moran.
It may take weeks, months.
I've known some couples who
have had to wait as much as a year.
- A year?
- Well, you should see our waiting list.
Our trained workers have to make
a thorough investigation of you first.
Of your character, your home,
your general reliability.
Oh, yes, before we're through,
we'll know all about you, Mr. Moran.
But don't worry. I hope everything's
gonna turn out just the way you want it.
JACK:
Sure. Well, thank you.
If anything turns up,
we'll let you know.
In the meanwhile, I'm certainly
going to be watching for your program.
Then we ought to throw in
a few squeaky doors first.
That's all right, Mr. Moran,
I suppose I deserved that.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Miss Gilbert.
- Thank you.
- Oh, not at all.
- Goodbye.
- Yes, thank you.
- It's been nice seeing you.
- Thank you.
Do you realize
what that woman said about us?
Yes. I should have married
a truck driver.
What's wrong with actors?
I'd make a wonderful father.
- I'll go back and tell her a thing or two...
- Jack, wait a minute.
- We want the baby, don't we?
- Well, sure we do.
- Why do they make those cracks?
- Come on.
What's wrong with theatrical people?
I pay my taxes. Let them investigate me.
When they wanna run a benefit,
the first people they call are actors.
They don't ask a truck driver
to drive for nothing.
All an actor's got is his talent.
He gives it for nothing.
Next benefit, put a truck driver on.
- See how much they raise.
- Jack, you're attracting a crowd.
Shows I can do business any place.
- Hey, bud.
- What?
What's wrong with truck drivers?
Oh, nothing.
I think they're charming. Come on.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We go on in exactly one minute.
Now, I wanna show you
a signal that we use here.
When I go like this,
I want you all to applaud.
- Now, let's try it once and make it big.
- If we're 30 seconds over...
...at the number three spot,
give me a speed-up.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
TECHNICIAN: Five seconds.
Four, three, two, one. Go.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER:
The Cosmo Cosmetcs Show.
CHORUS [SINGING]:
Cosmo
It isn't carbonated.
Cosmo
It isn't alkaline.
Cosmo
But it's smooth as silk.
[SINGING]
Cosmo Cosmetcs are fresh and new
Cosmo Cosmetcs are good for you
Our lotons and our beauty creams
Have really ht New York
So get yourself a jar of t
And loosen up the cork
It blends wth all your clothes
It keeps you on your toes
Wth Cosmo Cosmetcs
From foot to head
You wll be lovely
In or out of bed
Mrs. Huntington Piffle I endorses it.
CHORUS:
Cosmo
The Grand Duchess Gisella Von
Graffengreed Il endorses it.
Cosmo
And the Princess Ambrosia de Palmer
House de Bourbon V endorses it.
Cosmo
[CHIMING]
I love a Mew Yorker
Bold. breezy and brght
I love a Mew Yorker
Who's out on the town every nght
I found me a woman
Cute knd of a bean
My knd of a woman
Who's out on the town to be seen
From the Waldorf down to Broadway
He's my prde and )oy
And though I mght te
A black or brght te
I'm )ust a whte-te New Yorker boy
Born. bred n Manhattan
Rght knd of a pal
Hat from Bonwt Teller
Shoes from Andrew Geller
And I'm her only feller
You can't oversell her
She's a corker
My New Yorker gal
From the Waldorf down to Broadway
He's the talk of Mew York
[WHISTLES]
Can't play canasta
He never hasta
He drnks a Shasta
Down at the Stork
Born. bred n Manhattan
We're rdng n hgh
- Hop and skp together
- Stop and sp together
- Hp. hp. hooray together
- Gonna stay together
He's a corker
My New Yorker
She's a corker
My New Yorker gal
- He's my fella
- She's my gal
CHORUS:
I love a Mew Yorker
Bold. breezy and brght
[CLOCK CHIMING]
Hop and skp together
Stop and sp together
Hp. hp hooray together
Gonna stay together
He's a corker
My New Yorker guy
My New Yorker gal
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
- Fine, Kitty, Jack.
- Oh, I'm melting.
JACK:
You insist on overdressing.
- Mrs. Moran?
KITTY: Yes?
I hate to bother you,
but I can't work this zipper.
I can't work them myself.
- But Jack's a wizard.
- I should be. I've had practice.
- I don't want to bother him.
- No bother. It's a hobby of his.
Go and zip her. I'll change.
This may be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
- If I'm not home for a few nights...
- I'll understand, dear.
Turn around, darling. I think we better
approach this thing scientifically.
Would you hold my coat?
Oh, Mr. Moran, I feel so silly
making you do this.
Not at all, Miss Adams.
This won't hurt a bit. Just...
...hold your breath, grin.
There you are.
Can I have my coat?
Thank you.
GLORIA: Thank you, Mr. Moran.
JACK: Nothing at all.
Mrs. Moran, there are a couple
of dames... Ladies...
...who wanna come and see you.
- No, I'm worn out. Who are they?
- One of them is a Miss Gilbert.
- Didn't get the other name.
- Ask them to excuse me.
- Say I broke a leg.
- I'll take care of them.
- But be nice to them.
- Sure. Leave it to me.
Tommy! Tommy,
did you say Miss Gilbert?
- That's the name she gave me.
- Show her in.
And be particularly nice to her.
This may be very important.
Yes. Right away.
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
Why, Miss Gilbert.
- Hello, Mrs. Moran.
- Hello.
I hope you don't mind us
barging in.
Oh, no, I'm delighted to see you.
- My friend, Miss Evers.
- Hello, Miss Evers.
- Hello.
- Won't you come in?
- Thank you.
- Please sit down.
Oh, he won't bite you.
Get off the couch, Mr. Milton.
Get down.
Oh, well, stay where you are.
Please excuse my costume.
- I didn't have a chance to change.
- It's all right.
Kitty, I was...
Oh, excuse me.
You remember Miss Gilbert
from the foundation.
- Foundation?
- The Sarah Wilson Foundation.
Oh, yes, Miss Gilbert.
The squeaking door.
- How are you?
- That's right.
I was afraid you'd forgotten,
and I didn't wanna come...
...until I had some good news for you
and could kill two birds with one stone.
Good news? What news?
Well, I think we may have
a baby for you.
A baby?
GILBERT: A fine boy.
JACK: No kidding?
- Do you hear my knees knocking?
- When can we get it?
Almost any time now. That is,
as soon as Mrs. Johnston meets you.
The lady
who had that objection to...
- Jack.
- Well, what I meant to say...
...was Mrs. Johnston is a lovely...
- You're not Mrs. Johnston?
- I'm Amelia Evers.
Oh, I'm glad to know that.
I don't know how to thank you.
I just don't know what to say.
Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Moran.
I think I understand. I'm so glad
for you both. Goodbye, Mr. Moran.
Goodbye, Miss Gilbert, and if there's
anything I can do, just let me know.
- Do you really mean that?
- Sure. Just name it.
- Well, there is one thing you could do.
- Oh, Irma, please. It doesn't matter.
- What is it?
- It's an autograph.
Would you like a picture of us
together or separate?
I told you not to ask that.
Mr. Moran won't mind. It's just that my
friend here is a great television fan.
She even looks at the wrestling and
she's simply crazy about Milton Berle.
- She is?
- Please, if it's the slightest bother...
No bother at all.
I'll tell Milton next time I see him.
Thank you so much, Mr. Moran. If you
can't get his, yours would be just fine.
- It will be. Yeah.
- Well, goodbye again.
- Yes.
- Goodbye, Miss Gilbert.
Be sure and call us
as soon as you know.
Of course we will. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Bye, Miss Gilbert.
Jack, we've got a baby.
JACK: Congratulations, Mrs. Moran.
KITTY: Thank you, Mr. Moran.
[BABY CRYING]
Here we are,
here's the young man now.
Wouldn't you like to hold your baby,
Mrs. Moran?
- Oh, yes, go on, hold him.
- Oh, I'd love to.
- Hi there.
- I'll get my coat.
Isn't he beautiful?
JACK:
Too bad our name isn't Kablinski.
He'd make good
backfield material for Notre Dame.
- What's the matter?
- Are these the prospective parents?
Oh, yes, Mrs. Johnston.
This is Mr. and Mrs. Moran.
JACK: How do you do, Mrs. Johnston?
- How do you do?
Are you aware of the responsibility
you're assuming?
KITTY: Oh, yes, Mrs. Johnston, I think so.
- Miss Gilbert tells me you're on a stage.
We were on the stage, Mrs. Johnston,
but we're in television now.
She told you I don't approve of actors.
Well, we had heard
some sort of rumor to that effect.
Oh, it's no rumor.
Actors are too undependable for me.
Every time you pick up a paper...
...you read about one of them
getting divorced.
Have you two ever been divorced?
KITTY: No, not yet.
- How long have you been married?
- Eight... Nine.
- Nine years. Nine.
JOHNSTON: To each other?
BOTH: Yes.
I thought you already
had us investigated.
I like to make my own investigations.
I'm sure you'll find
that Mr. and Mrs. Moran...
...have more than met our requirements,
Mrs. Johnston.
I hope so.
You understand, of course, you're
getting this baby only on probation?
Probation?
You mean that this still isn't our baby?
A child can't be legally adopted
in this state...
...unless it's lived in the same home
for a year.
We have the right to take it away
any time we feel...
...that it's not to the child's best
advantage to stay where it is.
- Now, where do you live?
- Central Park West.
JOHNSTON:
Do you have your own automobile?
- Yes, and it's closed.
- Leave it here. I have my own chauffeur.
I don't trust myself or one of my babies
to a strange driver.
Now, then, let's go. I want to see
what kind of a home you have.
Take the baby, nurse.
- Oh, couldn't I keep him?
- I'll carry him for you.
It's all right.
I think she really likes you.
- Well, I think...
- Jack. Shh.
I was only going to say she'd make
good Notre Dame material too.
What a stiff-arm.
- Congratulations, Mrs. Moran.
- Thanks, Joe.
Fine-looking whatever it is
you got there, Mr. M.
A boy, you dummkopf.
Here you are.
[MUSIC PLAYING
AND PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Oh, it's this way, Mrs. Johnston.
Well, where's all that noise
coming from?
It sounds like
it's coming from the end of the hall.
I hope this doesn't go on
all the time.
It's usually quiet
as a church around here.
- Tell the management about it.
- Yes, excuse me.
People like this have no business
in a house where there's a baby.
Who are they?
- It's our apartment, Mrs. Johnston.
- Your apartment?
Selma must've left the radio on.
- Yes.
- That's our maid.
Well, open the door, Jack.
See what it is.
Won't you come in?
WALTER:
Here's somebody's... Come on.
GLORIA:
No, I don't want any. No, Walter.
WALTER:
Just one more. One drink.
Please, Walter!
I don't want any. No, no, no.
WALTER:
She's drinking the whole thing.
Look, there's the baby.
Oh, how about that?
How do you do, ma'am?
Bring it in. Bring the baby in.
WOMAN: The baby. The baby.
- How about it?
Quiet, everybody.
Please, quiet.
This is Mrs. Johnston from
the foundation and Miss Gilbert.
How do you do? You remember me,
don't you? Won't you come in.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Johnston. We didn't
know anybody was going to be here.
You didn't think we'd let you bring the
baby home to an empty house, did you?
Get Mrs. Johnston and Miss Gilbert
some champagne.
Oh, Walter. Please. Mrs. Johnston,
these are some friends of ours.
- They're on our show. They just...
- Take the baby, nurse.
- Oh, no.
- I'm afraid you'll think I'm very mean.
But I have grave responsibilities
in these matters.
I can't leave the baby with you
in these circumstances.
Oh, no. Please. This won't happen again.
I promise you.
I'm sorry. It's unfortunate,
but I have my standards.
We may be old-fashioned, but we've
clung to them for a good many years.
- Janet.
- Take the baby.
Walter. Tell her how this happened.
Oh, Mrs. Johnston, I assure you that
Mrs. Moran had no idea that...
We wanted to show
how tickled we were about the baby.
I understand, but I hardly think it was
necessary to have a drunken party.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Moran.
[BABY CRYING]
I'll talk to her, Mrs. Moran.
Maybe later.
Kitty, I feel like a dog.
I could cut my throat.
It's all right, Walter.
It's nobody's fault.
It just wasn't in the cards for us
to have a baby, that's all.
We'll see that you get another baby,
even if I have to steal one.
I think the kindest thing we can
all do now is just to go home.
Goodbye, dear.
- I'll call you in the morning.
- I'm terribly sorry, Kitty.
Good night, Kitty.
WOMAN 1: Good night, Jack.
WOMAN 2: Terribly sorry, Kitty.
I'll see you tomorrow, Jack.
MAN 1: Sorry, Kitty.
MAN 2: Bye, Jack.
See you, Kitty.
Want a cigarette?
I hurried as fast as I could, Miss Kitty.
I told them store folks...
...I had to get home before that baby.
But you know how it is,
everybody taking their time.
But I got what you said:
bottles, diapers, four dozen of them...
...talcum powder, Vaseline
and bellyband.
Take that stuff out of here, Selma.
Get rid of it.
But, Mr. Jack,
the baby's gonna need it.
- There isn't going to be any baby.
- Ain't going to be no baby?
No. Go on.
Get it out of here.
Burn it. Give it away, anything.
Just get it out of here.
And take the rest of this junk
with you.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING ON TV]
[PIANO PLAYING]
Wait a minute. Aren't you kids
gonna finish on center stage?
- How can we if we slide to the left?
- Wait, watch this. Gloria.
Take the last four bars of it.
Oh, I know that.
We did it once.
Come on, Gloria, I'll do it.
Johnny, hit it.
Oh, excuse me, darling.
Oh! I called him darling.
- It's all right. Call him anything.
GLORIA: May I really?
Sure. You ought to hear
what I call him.
- Try it again.
- Ready, darling?
Yeah. Johnny, go ahead.
Hit it one.
Hey, Jack, Kitty. Listen.
- Break it up, bub.
- Oh, Walter, we're busy.
WALTER:
Quiet, or I'll write you right out.
- I wanna tell you something.
- What?
Listen, I've got some
great news for you.
- Hope this isn't another sure thing...
- Hey, wait a minute.
It's okay.
I've got a baby for you.
- What baby?
- There's a girl who worked for us.
- She the mama? Where's the father?
- Sure.
- Vamoosed.
- Where is she now?
With some relatives
down near Trenton, New Jersey.
I've talked to them.
You can have it. For a consideration.
- Why get rid of her?
- Can't afford it.
- I told you I'd make it up to you.
- But is that legal?
Legal, illegal, who cares?
You want a baby, don't you?
- No.
- What? After all the talk about the...
I appreciate what you're trying to do for
us, but I'm not going through it again.
I feel the same way about it.
Come on, let's rehearse.
- This number's a little ragged.
- I'll be along in a minute.
I'm sorry, Walter.
Well, that's okay. I was just wondering
what's gonna happen to the poor kid.
[PIANO PLAYING NEARBY]
What is it, a boy or a girl?
- Well, that's just the trouble. It's a girl.
- What's wrong with girls?
Well, you know how people feel
about girls.
Probably the best thing
to go on out and drown it.
- Drown it?
- Well, they drown kittens all the time.
I don't think that's very funny,
Walter.
Neither do I.
Well, I guess I'd better call Janet.
Maybe I can talk her
into taking the baby ourselves.
- How old is it, Walter?
- What, the baby?
Oh, about 7 months.
- Cute?
- If you don't mind blonds.
Hello, Janet?
When can we see her?
Tonight?
Is it raining there?
No, it's not raining here either.
Okay, I just wanted to know.
Bye.
Oh, Walter.
[JACK CLEARS THROAT]
- Do the Morans live around here?
- Hey. Come on in.
- I was eloping with your wife.
- That's a right novel approach.
First he offers a baby,
then to marry her.
Jack, we've decided to take her.
I never doubted it for a moment.
Wait here.
I'll see what the situation is.
- All right.
- Be back in an hour or two.
In a what?
[MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]
- Good evening.
PROPRIETOR: Good evening.
- Table?
- No, thanks.
I wanted to ask if there was
a filling station around here.
- Right down the road about a half a mile.
- Oh, thank you.
They're outside.
- How many?
- Just the two of them.
Bring them around the back way.
Okay.
- Susan?
- Yes, sir?
- Table three wants the check.
- Yes, sir.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
SUSAN:
Right.
WALTER: Down somewhere
here at the end. There it is.
I feel like a kidnapper,
sneaking in the back way like this.
It's okay. They just don't want
to cause a lot of talk.
Oh, these are the people
I told you about, Mr. and Mrs. Moran.
- Hello.
- Come in. Just in here.
- This is Mr. Tuttle. He's our lawyer.
- How do you do.
- And this is my wife.
- Pleased to meet you.
I have the papers all made out.
All you have to do is to sign them.
- Could we see the baby first?
- Sure. I'll get her.
- Is the mother here?
- She works nights.
It's better for everybody
not to see the mother.
JACK: Does she know
who's taking the child?
She knows it will be taken care of.
That's all she's worrying about.
- Do they understand my fee?
- I have the money right here.
We're not going to
get into trouble, are we?
I've already explained to you, there's
absolutely nothing to worry about.
This lady and gentleman
are going to give the baby a fine home.
Which is more than you
or the mother can do.
- And if you want to avoid any talk...
- No. No, I don't want any talk.
TUTTLE:
Well, then, don't upset yourself.
Is this the full amount?
Wait. I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.
I feel guilty, as if we were committing
some sort of crime.
- Come on, Walter, Jack, let's go, huh?
- Come on.
Here she is.
We've decided not to take her.
PROPRIETOR:
Not take her?
What's been going on in here?
JACK: Nothing.
We just changed our minds, that's all.
- Listen, if you said anything...
- I haven't said anything.
Take it easy. If they don't want
the baby, they don't want it.
- It's all right, Kitty. Let's go.
- Wait a minute.
- May I hold her a minute?
- Sure.
Kitty, come here.
Take at look at her.
Kind of cute.
Look at those little hands.
Look like she just got a manicure.
And those cheeks.
We'd have to start her out on a diet.
Let me hold her.
KITTY: There we are.
All done. All done now, honey.
Okay. Well, come on.
Come on. Oh, it's getting
to be such a big girl...
...such a big girl, such a big girl.
Oh, I got lipstick all over you.
Look at that face.
[SINGING] Bay face
You've got the cutest lttle baby...
Look at the baby.
See the pretty baby? See?
See the pretty baby?
Let's brush your hair now.
There.
Look at that thing. See?
- It's getting late.
- I'm all ready except my coat and hat.
- How's Her Highness?
- Oh, she's wonderful.
- Say, "Hi, Daddy. "
- Want a bite?
Oh, stop.
I'll bet Mr. Milton will like it.
Watch this new trick.
Hey, Milt. Catch, now.
- What's the matter with him?
- Milton?
He's pouting.
I think he's jealous.
I'll take him to the park
and introduce him to some lady dogs...
...to get his mind off his troubles.
Ah, Mrs. Bates. Ravishing as ever.
- What are you doing, Mrs. Moran?
- Playing with the baby.
Well, put her down, please.
- Oh, I'm not hurting her.
- You know the rules.
- Was that dog in here again?
- For a little while.
I've told you repeatedly
to keep him out.
I don't like dogs around babies.
He wasn't anywhere near her.
- Also, you haven't your mask on.
- I forgot it.
You don't consider germs
a danger to your child?
I said, I forgot it.
- I see you've changed her too.
- She was wet.
BATES: Well, of course, you're
her mother. If you wanna spoil her...
And I think she's hungry.
She was crying.
Her next feeding's in half an hour.
My mother had seven children.
When they were hungry, she fed them.
- Times have changed.
- Mothers haven't.
Do you want your child to grow up
to be a useless, selfish individual?
- Spoiled and...
- A little love never spoiled anybody.
I might as well not have a baby.
I can't touch her...
...I can't feed her, I can't kiss her,
I can't change her.
Before long,
I won't even be able to look at her.
We've been all through this before,
Mrs. Moran...
...and obviously
you and I don't see eye to eye.
We certainly don't.
Better step on it.
It's getting late.
- What's the matter with you?
- Oh, that woman.
- Again?
SELMA: Is it all right for me to go now?
- Yes, of course.
- Oh, thank you. Good night, Mr. Jack.
- Where are you going all dressed up?
- You forgot, Mr. Jack?
This is my birthday.
I'm going to a party.
- Well, congratulations. How old are you?
- Thirty-nine.
- You too?
- Yes, sir.
Wait a minute.
- You're fired.
- What?
You heard me, you're fired.
I've had about all I can stand.
Now, get your things
and leave right now.
- Oh, very well, I shall.
- Good.
- To the showers, Butch.
- My check, please?
I'll send you your check
in the morning. Just go.
- I was only trying to do my duty.
- Get out.
Don't be hard on her.
Maybe she's good to her mother.
She never had a mother. She's part
of the rock left over from Grant's Tomb.
[BABY COOING]
JACK: Well, come on, kiss Her Majesty
good night, let's go.
- Who's gonna stay with the baby?
- What a time to think of that.
I couldn't stand that woman
one more minute.
- I can catch Selma.
- On her birthday?
- Well, how about a sitter?
- I wouldn't know who to call anyway.
I'll have to ask Mule Face
to come back and stay until morning.
No, no, no,
I wouldn't ask her to do anything.
- I'll stay with the baby.
- You can't do that.
- We've got a show to do.
- Tell them I have a cold.
Gloria can take my place.
She knows the routines.
Gloria? Who wants Gloria?
No, you've got to do it.
It's no great tragedy if I miss
a broadcast. Lots of people miss shows.
- If you'd only kept your mouth shut.
- Go and telephone Gloria.
She's been hoping I'd break a leg
or something. Go on.
All right, but I think
you're taking an awful chance.
That Gloria's kind of sexy, you know.
- I might fall for her.
- Oh, go on.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
[GLORIA SINGING]
[SINGING] n't noody gonna cross me
An't nobody gonna boss me
Anyone who tres to toss me
Won't be worth a dme
I'm just televsng
An't nobody gonna come along
And beat my tme
'Cause I lve hard. work hard
And I love hard
Got an eye just lke an eagle
Got a nose )ust lke a beagle
Got a man and he's mghty legal
I won't gve you no trouble
Take my advce. gal
It won't be nce. gal. f you try
'Cause I lve hard
Work hard
And I love hard
GLORIA: If you thnk all ths foolshment
Gets by me
Come on and whp your wts
Together. gal. and try me
'Cause I lve hard
Work hard
And I love hard
So. gal. get movng down the track
Can't stand no evl
'Hnd my back
Ths man must be the way he's been
If we're to lve together
Work together
- Love together
- Love together
From here on n
[BABY COOING]
[SINGING]
An't nobody gonna cross you
An't nobody gonna boss you
Anyone who tres to toss you
Won't be worth a dme
I'm )ust televsng
An't nobody gonna come along
And beat your tme
Got an eye )ust lke an eagle
Got a nose )ust lke a beagle
You said it.
So don't you ask for trouble
Take my advce. gal
It won't be nce. gal
If you try
'Cause I lve hard
Work hard
And I love hard
If you thnk all your foolshment
Gets by me
Come on and whp your wts
Together. gal. and try me
Hmph!
'Cause an't nobody gonna cross me
An't nobody gonna boss me
Anyone who tres to toss me
Won't be worth a dme
I'm )ust televsng
An't nobody gonna come along
And beat my tme
'Cause I lve hard
I work hard
And I love hard
So. gal. get movng
Down the track
Can't stand no evl
'Hnd my back
[HAND SMACKS AND GLORIA GASPS]
My man must be the way
He's been
If we're to lve together
Work together
Love together
Welcome back. Daddy-o
Hey. Sleeping Beauty.
Look out, Milt.
KITTY: Oh, who is it?
- It's the milkman. Who'd you expect?
Four quarts and
a pound of butter, dear.
- Why are you sleeping out here?
- I'm scared of the dark.
How'd the show go?
- Well, didn't you see it?
- No, I was pretty busy with the baby.
She kept crying
and she seemed restless.
- How do you think it went?
- Not bad.
And Gloria?
Well, she isn't you.
It's a good thing you said that.
Come on, let's hit the sack.
Jack, sit down a minute, huh?
Would you mind very much if we didn't
get another nurse right away?
Well, you can't take care
of a baby by yourself.
- What do you know about them?
- Nothing, that's why I wanna try it.
It was so fun, being able
to pick her up whenever I wanted to...
...and change her whether she needed it
or not, kiss her whenever I liked.
I'm a new woman.
I just can't wait for Mother's Day.
- And the show?
- I think Gloria's amply demonstrated...
Well, Mr. Carroll
might think differently.
After all, he hired you and me,
not Gloria.
You can fix it.
You're a genius, remember?
- You know what you need? A new nurse.
- Just for a while? I'll give you a kiss.
- Okay?
- You're a hussy.
Of course, you realize
if you ever get the idea...
...that Gloria's really as good as I am,
I'll have to shoot you.
Good.
Kitty. Walter, there's Kitty.
Kitty. Kitty, wait a minute.
Janet. Walter. What in the world
are you doing up here?
We can't go to a nice, cheap dentist,
we have to go to a Fifth Avenue dentist.
Look at the braces, Mrs. Moran.
- Don't they look awful?
- They're not too bad.
Listen, 1500 so she can eat corn off
the cob like a lady, and she complains.
- You know it was your idea.
- Look who's here.
JANET: Hello.
WALTER: Give your Uncle Walter...
...a nice toothless grin, huh?
- Mother, isn't she darling?
- Isn't she adorable?
- Are you Kitty Moran?
- Yes.
- See, I told you she was.
- You sure have changed, then.
I saw you on television last night,
and you had dark hair.
WALTER:
Yes, well, she was wearing a toupee.
GIRL:
He's kidding us.
She doesn't even look like Kitty Moran
in the flesh.
- Come on.
- Well, wait a minute, Mary.
- Well, heigh-ho, everybody.
- The little dears.
Oh, it's a cruel world.
I'm off the air five weeks, and bingo.
You should go back to work.
And soon. Without
your legs to speak our lines...
- ... they don't sound so Noel Coward.
- It's a thought.
I wish you would, Mrs. Moran.
I don't like that old Gloria Adams.
- Laura.
- Well, I don't, Mother. She's so pushy.
She acts as if she's in love
with Mr. Moran.
That'll do, Laura.
You said if Mr. Moran
were your husband...
- Laura, be quiet.
- I'm sorry.
Kind of warm for summer, isn't it?
It's all right, I know what your mother
means. I tuned them in myself.
Whether or not,
it's none of our business.
Come on, we gotta catch a bus.
There's a sale at Saks
and I want to get Laura a coat.
- Goodbye, dear.
KITTY: Bye, Laura.
Goodbye, pet. You must come over
and spill some beans for us sometimes.
- Hi, Gloria.
- Hi, Mac.
- Hi.
- Hi.
GLORIA:
Ready?
As soon as
I get this rope around my neck.
If I lay my hands on who
thought of these...
GLORIA:
I like you in bow ties.
They make you look so young.
Yeah? Well, I'll be an old man
before I get this one on.
GLORIA:
Let me help you.
I'll tie it.
I don't know where they go wrong.
This is as far as I get.
- You look kind of cute today, huh?
- Oh, be still.
If your nose
just turned up a little bitsy bit...
Leave my nose alone.
I bet when you were little you played
the best game of Post Office.
Jack.
You know a good French synonym
for the word: Phew!
- Oh, darling.
- What's the "oh" for?
I feel like I've been waiting for this
all my life.
I hate to keep a lady waiting.
MAN: Kitty.
KITTY: Hello, Joe.
MAN: You look great.
Where'd you get the coat?
KITTY:
Something I picked up in Bloomingdale's.
- Hi, anybody home?
- Kitty, well, gee, I'm glad to see you.
Come on in.
Yes, let me take your coat off, huh?
My, you do seem glad to see me.
Hi, Gloria.
- I was just helping Jack with his tie.
- How nice.
- Me and bow ties. I never...
- You're bleeding.
- Did you cut yourself?
- No, where?
Wait a minute, let me see.
- Oh, it's only lipstick.
- Lipstick. Well, now, how... Excuse me.
- How do you suppose it got there?
- I can't imagine.
A lovely shade.
What do you call it?
- Careless Lips.
- Careless Lips. What a charming name.
- Is it yours?
GLORIA: Yes.
JACK: Gloria.
- It's no use, Jack.
- She'll have to know sometime.
- Know what?
It's nothing.
Gloria and I were kidding...
Please, Jack. Kitty's grown up.
Certainly, I've been grown up
for years.
Kitty...
- ... Jack and I are in love.
- Madly?
Oh, please, don't joke about it.
We've fought it, really we have.
- It's no use.
- I never said anything...
...about love.
Where'd you get that idea?
Don't interrupt, Jack.
I haven't heard gossip for weeks.
- Go ahead, Gloria.
- We've always known it in our hearts.
But we only admitted it today.
I never admitted anything.
How can you just make it up?
There's no reason to get excited.
I'm not getting excited, Kitty.
Excuse me, Gloria.
- I was explaining...
- Later.
Sit down, Gloria.
This is an interesting situation.
- I'd prefer to stand.
- Sit down!
- Don't fight.
- Kitty, if you'll let me explain...
...this thing to you...
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
- Come in.
- Come in.
I've got a couple of changes for...
Kitty!
KITTY:
Hello, Walter.
I thought you'd be home wringing out
diapers. What brings you here?
- I've decided to come back to work.
- To work?
And about time, too,
don't you think so, darling?
- Yes, Kitty. What about the baby?
- Selma's with her.
Tell everybody
I'll do this week's show.
We'll start rehearsing as soon as
we get a little business finished.
Take your time, baby. I wouldn't
think of interfering with business.
See you around, Gloria.
Well, you run along, Walter,
and we'll see you later.
Now, where were we, Gloria?
Oh, yes, about you and Jack.
There's several ways a wife
could look at a situation like this.
- Sure you won't sit down?
- No, thank you.
For instance, I could shoot you both.
The unwritten law, but then,
that's rather uncivilized, isn't it?
If that's your attitude, I'm going.
- Listen...
- Don't go. This is getting interesting.
- Let me say something.
- Later.
This is a problem for Gloria and me.
I don't want to stand
in the way of anyone's happiness.
- We can arrange a nice, quiet divorce.
- Divorce?
You don't wanna commit bigamy. How
inconvenient it would be, two women.
To say nothing of the expense.
Can I get a word in edgewise?
Why, certainly, dear,
if you have a suggestion.
Yes, this whole thing is cockeyed. Sure,
I kissed her. She's kind of a cute kid.
- A little on the goofy side, but...
- Jack.
- Now you've hurt her.
- Well, I'm human.
Stop bragging,
go on with your story.
What I mean is one kiss doesn't mean
a guy wants to start paying alimony.
Especially the first time
he gets caught.
- What am I gonna do now?
- Well, I'll tell you.
In the future,
keep your mind on your job...
...and your hands off my husband.
Because you see, he's not a bit clever.
[GLORIA SOBBING]
Well, shall we get ready to rehearse?
What a life.
A guy can't even pinch a girl
without hearing wedding bells.
- Ow! That hurt.
- I meant it to.
I'll probably have a mark
on me as big as a hen's egg.
That'll give you an idea what'll happen
the next time I catch you being human.
Rhinelander 73200.
Yes, Mrs. Moran will be
on the program tonight.
Yes, sir. We're pleased too.
Rhinelander 73200.
Who? Mrs. Moran?
I'm sorry, she's on-stage.
What? Please don't speak so loudly,
I can't understand you.
What is that about a baby?
What?
Yes, I'll tell her it's very important.
Mac, see if you can get this
to Mrs. Moran right away.
Yeah, ma'am.
OPERATOR:
Rhinelander 73200.
ANNOUNCER:
Ths s Channel 2. WTVW.
Stay tuned for Ktty and Jack Moran...
- I've got a message for Mrs. Moran.
- Too late. They're on.
CHORUS [SINGING]:
Cosmo
[SINGING]
Cosmo Cosmetcs present to you
A takeoff on a muscal
That's fresh and new
Ths famous operetta
Set the country on ts ears
And we predct t's gonna run
For years and years and years
For those of you who haven't seen it
but have heard that it's terrific...
...we're going to take you to the
Friendly Islands in the South Pacific.
And we know you'll find them
very, very friendly.
CHORUS:
We are n the sland
On the Frendly Islands
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
In the South Pacfc
No one ever hurres when they walk
No one ever worres
Wth happy talk
- On the Frendly Islands
- Frendly Islands
- In the South Pacfc
- South Pacfc
Just below Samoa
East of Bal Bal
Just a contnent or two
From Schubert Alley
On the Frendly Islands
Frendly Island
Mo one there s frendless
Lfe )ust goes on
Endlessly
Lfe goes on and on
Untl lfe tself s gone
No one ever goes away
They )ust stay
Stay, stay
On the Frendly Island
Frendly Island
Mo one there s frendless
Lfe )ust goes on
Endlessly
On the Frendly Islands
In the South Pacfc
No one ever hurres when they walk
No one ever worres
Wth happy talk
On the Frendly Islands
In the South Pacfc
How do you lke to look
Into the eyes of a-danger
Walkng arm n arm
Wth some enchanted stranger
On the Frendly Islands
Mo one there s frendless
Lfe )ust goes on endlessly
How'd you lke to put some lfe
In these Frendly Islands?
Maybe we could fnd a wfe
In these Frendly Islands
We got the moton
We got the noton
We got devoton
Wth plenty to spare
We got the flowers
And vory towers
And dle hours
So don't be a square
Mo one ever hurres
When they walk
Mo one ever worres
Wth happy talk
On the Frendly
Island
Mo one there s frendless
Lfe )ust goes on endlessly
On the Frendly Island
On the Frendly Island
Lfe goes on and on
And on and on
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Mrs. Moran.
- Mrs. Moran, Mr. Moran.
- What?
There was a call from your apartment.
The operator sounded excited.
- Who was it? What'd they say?
- It was something about the baby.
- The baby?
- Baby? Oh, Jack.
See if you can get Selma.
I'll change right away.
ANNOUNCER:... prodly presents Ktty
and Jack Moran each week at ths hour....
SELMA: I done my best, Miss Kitty.
KITTY: The baby.
SELMA:
I done my best.
Ain't no use going in there.
The baby ain't there.
Ain't nobody there.
Where is she?
Where is the baby?
- They come and taken her away.
- Who? Who took her?
Those folks that says
the baby was theirs.
Oh, no.
Now, stop carrying on
and tell us what happened.
Well, I was sitting here with the baby
in my lap listening to the radio...
...when the lady
and two gentlemen come in.
And one of them said
the baby was his...
...and he want his
flesh and blood back.
And the other one said he was a lawyer,
and if I didn't give the baby back...
- ... they'd call the police.
- No.
Oh, Miss Kitty, I tried to stop them.
I told them that nobody
would touch that baby...
...leastways you said so.
But they wouldn't pay me no mind.
They just took her
right out of my arms.
They can't, Jack, they can't.
It's my baby.
Oh, Janet, they can't, they can't.
I want my baby.
- I'm going to find my baby.
JACK: Kitty.
There must be some way.
There's no way I know of
at the moment, Mrs. Moran.
Tomorrow we'll see what we can do,
but you haven't a chance.
But the mother gave us the baby.
We paid all the expenses
and she signed the papers.
I understand, but there's
a definite procedure prescribed...
...for adoption of children
in this state.
They must come either through
definitely established adoption homes...
...or with the sanction of the courts.
You'll find that
the courts bend backwards...
...to return a child
to its natural parents.
Well, I'm sorry we got you up so late.
We didn't know where to turn.
That's unimportant.
I'm just sorry I can't help.
Let's go, dear.
LAWYER: Good night.
KITTY: Good night.
LAWYER: Good night.
JACK: Good night. Thank you.
[SOBBING]
That's fine. Thank you, Gladys.
- If you need me, I'll be in the wings.
- I'll holler.
- Are you sure you're all right?
- I'll be all right, thank you.
[DOOR OPENS]
- Ready?
- In a minute.
[KNOCKING]
- Yes?
- Excuse me, Mr. Moran...
...but a couple of ladies are here.
- We can't see anyone until after.
- This will take only a moment.
Why do you want to see us?
I've had you on my conscience...
...and I can't afford a bad conscience.
We'd rather not discuss it.
She only wants to say we have
another baby for you, Mrs. Moran.
- I'll do the talking, Miss Gilbert.
- Sorry.
- I brought along all the necessary papers.
- We don't want another baby.
- What's that?
KITTY: We had a baby. We loved it.
It's gone.
We can't substitute just any baby.
I know all about that.
I've kept my eye on you.
But you'll feel differently
when you see this boy.
PAGE: Five minutes.
JACK: We'll be right there.
- We appreciate your offer, but...
- I acted hastily when I took your baby.
I have no false pride
about when I'm wrong.
- Yes. Well, thank you...
- Now, now, you're acting hastily.
That I can't permit.
I shan't leave
until you sign these papers.
Here, you may use my pen.
- Well, congratulations.
- Oh, darling, such wonderful news.
- I knew it would work out somehow.
- Wait. Let's not rush.
- We haven't decided if we want this.
- What do you mean?
- Got no choice.
- It's delivered.
- What?
- What? Delivered what?
The baby, of course, what else? The
father's run off. Isn't that wonderful?
I'm naming him
as Father of the Year.
There'll be no slip-up this time,
I guarantee it.
Our own lawyer talked to the mother.
- Where is she? Where's the baby?
- With Selma, in the lap of luxury.
JANET: We wanted to bring her here, but...
- Darling, we've got her back.
Well, honey, it looks
like we got two babies back.
Two?
Come on, you two,
we're waiting for you.
All right. Just a second.
You better get dressed.
You haven't given your answer yet.
Do you want the baby?
Oh, of course we do.
We want them both.
Thank you, Mrs. Johnston,
Miss Gilbert, Janet...
- Is everybody going crazy around here?
- Walter.
Get dressed. The rest of you go.
We've gotta do a show.
I'm sorry to rush you,
but you know how it is.
Thank you, Walter.
Kitty?
- What's the matter, huh?
- I don't know.
- My head feels funny.
- I'll get you a glass of water.
No, I'll be all right.
- Think I'd better get Gloria ready?
- No, not that, I'll be fine.
- I'm just dizzy, that's all.
- I guess it's just all this excitement, huh?
- Now, here, let me help you with that.
- I'll make it, all right.
ANNOUNCER: Cosmo Cosmetcs
presents Ktty and Jack Moran.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
[SINGING]
Don't rock the boat. dear
Keep our love afloat. dear
Strke that happy note. dear
We're not lost at sea
Keep our love steady
Never hgh or heady
Always keep t ready
The way t ought to be
Even though we're out n deep water
We must save the future
For sons and daughters
Don't rock the shp. dear
Here's a lttle tp. dear
Make each trp a pp. dear
Just for the lkes of you and me
Don't rock the tug. dear
Love s )ust a drug. dear
All I need s hug. dear
We're not lost at sea
Don't rock the scow. now
Charm me off the bough. now
Love s here and now
Wow
The way t ought to be
Even though we're out n deep water
We must save the future
For sons and daughters
Don't rock the sloop. dear
Don't be nncompoop. dear
Lovers loop the loop. dear
Just lke the lkes of you and me
Don't rock the yacht. dear
Don't you go to pot. dear
Ths year s a hot year
We're not lost at sea
Don't rock the launch. dear
Keep your morals staunch. dear
Grdle up your paunch. dear
The way t ought to be
Even though we're out n deep water
We must save the future
For sons and daughters
Don't rock the smack. Jack
Don't you turn your back. Jack
You're my Cracker Jack. Jack
Just lke the lkes of you and me
- Don't rock the yawl. dear
- Bong
- Wth that Southern drawl. dear
- Bong
- Let's not have a brawl. dear
- Bong
We're not lost at sea
[KITTY YODELING]
- Don't rock the hulk. dear
- Don't rock the hulk. dear
- Why st here and sulk. dear
- Why st here and sulk. dear
- Take me n the bulk. dear
- Take me n the bulk. dear
- The way t ought to be
- The way t ought to be
Even though we're out n deep water
We must save the future
For sons and daughters
Don't rock the boat. dear
Keep our love afloat. dear
Strke that happy note. dear
- What's wrong with her?
- I don't know. Something's up.
- Do you think she's all right?
- I don't know. I don't know.
[BOTH GASP]
Just for the lkes of you and me
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
- Kitty, are you all right?
- I'm worried about you.
It was the excitement...
- Kitty, are you all right?
JANET: Get the doctor.
Will you make some room for her?
Get out of the way for a second.
- Doctor.
- Doc, how is she?
Fine, fine, she's fine.
There's nothing really wrong with her?
Nothing, except she's
going to have a baby.
- She's gonna have a what?
- About Christmas, I'd say.
Doc, she can't have a baby.
Dr. Graham told me...
Well, maybe she can't, but she is.
- Oh, me. Three.
- And one match.
- Doc, can I go in now?
- Certainly. Go right on in.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes.
Honey, do you know what that crazy
doctor out there was trying to tell me?
It's all right.
They're deductible.
KITTY [SINGING]:
And baby makes three
CHORUS [SINGING]:
We're happy n my
Blue heaven