You know, you ever heard
someone say that old expression,
"Everything happens for a reason"?
Well, I don't think that applies to me.
I mean, I spend every morning
rushing to work
trying to catch the same subway
to the same lousy job.
What's the reason for that?
See, I'm a researcher for one of the
biggest publishing houses in Chicago,
but where I really belong is in Creative.
The problem is, is my boss doesn't
know it yet, so I'm totally frustrated.
While my friend Paul keeps telling me,
"You gotta be optimistic.
You gotta be positive."
OK. OK. You know what?
Today is gonna be my lucky day.
Today is gonna be my...
- Aah!
- Oh! Wow!
- Hey, look at that, It's your lucky day,
- Did you just see that?
Oh, I've seen it a million times,
- You want it?
- No,
I don't want it, Go ahead,
You got a new briefcase,
Yeah, maybe its got a name
on it or something,
- Oh, come,,, What are you, nuts?
- What?
- You're gonna return it?
- Yeah,
Did you not just say
you needed a new one?
Yeah, when I get my raise,
Haven't you been working
there for, like, a year?
I bet Taylor doesn't even know
you work there, I'd be pissed,
- Are you pissed? I'd be pissed,
- Yeah, I'm-I'm a little pissed,
You know, come to think of it,
I've never really seen you angry before,
Henderson, you ever
seen Tom really angry?
- No,
- All right, fine, So I don't get angry,
What is that, a bad thing?
It's, you know, you keep it bottled up
and then sooner or later,
you come into work and you mow
everyone down with one of those,,,
- AK-47,
- AK-47, You know, just to impress, uh,,,
- Jodie Foster,
- Jodie Foster,
(chuckles)) All right, I'll do it
on your day off, all right?
(Paul) Touch, There she is,
It's your Jodie Foster,
Paul, come on, man,
How you ever gonna get
to know her if you just sit there?
It's Taylor's daughter, man, I can't just,,,
You can't just what? Huh? Are you
gonna be a loser your whole life? Hmm?
Just go over there
and talk to her, Go, Go,
- OK, fine, I'm going, I'm going,
- You're going,
Excuse me,
Aah!
(baby crying))
(mouthing))
Hi, I'm...
Ah,,,
l... Oh!
Uh,,, l... He wa...
Oh,
(dog growling))
Oh! Uh,,,
- What are you doing to my dog?
- Ma'am,,,
- Who's taunting my dog?
- No one's taunting your dog, He...
Oh! Uh,,,
Um, the-the d... Um,,,
Here, why don't you take my seat? Here,
Great, Now, that's great,
Two more minutes, and I'm gonna
be closer than you are,
Look, Opening, Go,
Just go,
Go, Go,
It's OK, Go, just go,
(conductor) Lake Street.
Lake Street is next.
You're Tom Stansfield, right?
From Research?
Yeah, Yeah, Tom, Tom Stansfield,
Stansfield from Research,
It's a growing sport, you know?
Paul, there is no way that she thought
that it was a wrestling magazine,
Oh, come on, Get over it, OK?
You're a little embarrassed,
It happens, OK?
Let me tell you something,
If I had a dime for every time
a gay naked magazine fell out of my,,,
I'm kidding, I'm kidding,
What? Paul!
No, But seriously,
so you're a little humiliated,
At least now we've established
that she knows who you are, right?
- I'm gonna have to leave the company,
- No, you're not,
Oh, God, There she is,
Oh, and I need to see the proofs
on Thailand immediately,
All right, What else have we got?
- Are you Tom?
- Yes,
- Mr, Taylor wants to see you,
- Oh,,, OK,
OK,
OK, you see? This is your chance, This
is fate, This is what I'm talking about,
It's about that new opening in Creative
and you're the man for the job,
You're gonna go in there and you're
gonna pitch him those book ideas,
No, I just,,, I'm really not ready,
Let's get to business,
Now we're steppin' up, OK,
Come on, You're gonna go in there,
you're gonna pitch him an inside curve,,,
Wait, wait, Where is my blue folder?
You don't need it, Enough with
the excuses already, Come here,
- You look good, You feel good?
- I feel like I'm gonna throw up,
Well, that's good,
I want you to use that, OK?
What is this? This dad's?
It's nice, Now get in there, OK?
- Don't-don't touch my ass,
- What? It was a light spank, It was light,
- Hey,
- Hey,
- Uh, do I just go in there?
- Um, no, He's not finished yet,
- but you can have a seat over there,
- Oh, OK,
Let me explain something
to you, Henderson,
I did not dislike your ideas,
I found them loathsome,
I hated them,
- You're dismissed,
- From your office?
Nice try,
- Good luck, You're gonna need it,,,
- He's ready to see you,
You can come in,
You know what? We should have
never let up after the Revolution!
Sit down, Sit down, Coffee?
We shouldn't have left you at toehold,
We should have driven you to the sea!
Now,,, what's this I hear
about you making threats
to spray this place with an AK-47?
What?
Oh, oh, oh, No, That,,,
I was just making a joke,
Oh, that's funny to you?
Killing everyone in this office?
No, No, No, no, no, no, The,,,
Paul said how I never get angry,,,
And what about you
making fun of midgets?
I never made fun of midgets,
You said it'd be fun to date one
because then you could rest
your beer on her head,
No, No, I never said anything like that,
Apparently Henderson thinks you did,
Now I've got a good sense of humor,
but that's just plain sick,
- But, sir, I didn't say,,,
- Audrey?
- Which file did I ask you for?
- Uh, the Platt file?
- John Platt, Not Sam Platt,
- I'm sorry, I guess I didn't think that,,,
That's right, You didn't think,
Now if it's not too much trouble,
if you could fetch me the right file,,,
- OK,
- And get Tom and me some doughnuts,
OK,
Now,,, I'm told you've been trying
to schedule a meeting with me
about some ideas, What are they?
Oh, uh,,, yeah, I had-I had some ideas,
- Something wrong with the coffee?
- Uh, no, It's fine,
- Why'd you make a face?
- What?
Oh, well,,, It's-it's a little bitter, but,,,
- Jesus, Audrey, get in here!
- Sir, really, it's f,,, It's not a problem,
- I've burped up stuff better than this,
- Sir, it's fine,
- Is something wrong?
- Taste Tom's coffee,
No, really, It's OK,
- How would you rate that?
- Well, it's not that great,
Not that great? I guess so,
Tom thinks it's shit,
Audrey, are you retarded?
It's not a rhetorical question,
Are you retarded?
No, I'm not retarded,
Because a retarded person can make
a cup of coffee, Am I right, Tom?
Oh, I,,, I don't-I don't really know much
about the limitations
of the handicapped,
I know of an employment agency that
hires out retarded people for $4 an hour,
So, if making a cup of coffee is too
difficult a task for you, Miss Bennett,
perhaps you'd be good enough to let
me know, and I'll contact this agency
and give a retarded person a job,
(mouths)) Wow,
- I wasn't too rough on her, was I?
- Well, she is new and all,
Maybe I was out of line, But do you
understand what I'm dealing with?
I mean, here I am trying
to fill a position in Creative,
and I can't seem to find one person
responsible enough to earn my trust,
I sometimes wonder if anyone here
even knows what they're doing,
I can understand how you
could see it that way, sir, but,,,
So you don't think I was out of line?
Well, if what you're saying
is that a company
is only as strong as its weakest link,
that makes sense, but,,,
Exactly, That's exactly right,
A company is only as strong
as its weakest link,
- Yeah,,,
- Audrey, get in here!
You were right, Tom,
I was too soft on her,
- What? No,
- Yeah?
Audrey, after talking it over
with Tom here,
I've come to realize that
I'm gonna have to let you go,
- You're firing me?!
- I'm sorry, It's just not working out,
- But, sir, I was suggesting,,,
- I take my job very seriously,
A chain is only as strong
as its weakest link,
- Right, but there's a whole other side,
- Thanks for the support,
Audrey, empty out your desk
by the end of the day,
- Fine,
- Sir, this,,, I,,,
Thanks for straightening me
out there, Tom,
Right, right, But I didn't get to say
what I wanted to say,
Oh, your ideas, of course, Schedule
an appointment with my new secretary,
Tom, Are you OK?
Uh,,, yeah, sure,
I'm guessing by the way
you look he's on another one
of his rampages this morning,
- Definitely,
- Damn,
I was hoping to catch him
in a good mood,
Yeah, that's, um,,,
that's probably not gonna happen,
I'm supposed to go to this party tonight,
but my dad's making me housesit
for his stupid bird while
he's away this weekend,
Well, why don't you go in there
and tell him you're not gonna do it?
I can't just,,,
You can't just what? I mean, live your
own life and have a free weekend?
No, it's not that,
- Wait, it is that,
- Yeah,
- I should just go to that party,
- Yeah, of course,
Well, um,,, OK, I'm gonna
go back to, uh, work,
OK, sure,
Tom? I know this might seem
a little out of place
because we barely
even know each other,
But, do you have any plans tonight?
(mouths)) No, no, no,
- Uh,,, no, I'm-I'm wide open,
- We won't be home too late,
Hey, it's no problem,
So the party starts at 7,
You could be at my dad's house by 6?
- Sure,
- You sure you're cool with this?
- Are you kidding me?
- Tom, you're such a sweetheart,
Thank you so much,
I'm gonna love you forever for this,
- All right, Yeah, who's the man now?
- See? What'd I tell you?
(chuckles)) I'm a lady-killer,
How the hell could he be
so excited about housesitting?
He's nice, Daddy, That's how,
Most guys wouldn't even offer to do that,
I don't know if I want him
around my bird,
Oh, Dad, will you just relax?
It's gonna be fine, I promise, OK?
I'll check in as soon as I get there, 8:00,
If I sense anything's wrong,
you're coming back here,
OK, OK,
(. Light rock)
Very good, Right on time,
Oh, sir, Uh,,, Hey, is that a bear trap?
Yes, It's to keep the neighbor's kids
out of my yard,
Sir, I just wanted to let you know
how much I appreciate you,,,
well,,, letting tonight happen,
I mean, I know it means a lot to Lisa,
and I think you're doing the right thing,
I don't know what
you're planning, Stansfield,
but you're attitude
is making me very nervous,
- Those socks are clean, right?
- Um,,,
- You hesitated, Put those on,
- Are you serious?
If you want to watch TV,
the remote's there,
That panel controls the lights,
alarm, skylight, etc,
Yeah, I probably won't
use any of that stuff,
- You know, since the party starts at 7,
- Party?
I made it clear to Lisa you're not
to have any guests in here,
You're the only one
allowed in the house,
- What? Lisa's not here?
- No, Of course not,
Lisa's at the party,,,
and I'm staying here,
Is this concept too complicated
for you, Stansfield?
Don't touch the furniture,
And this is my bird's room,
(chuckles)) He's got his own room?
That's cool,
- (gasps))
- How's my little boy?
- This is OJ,
- OJ? Like the murderer?
No, Like the football player,
OJ Simpson,
I've set the alarm,
When you hear it go off, feed him,
- (mice squeaking))
- Aw, What do I feed these little guys?
They don't get fed, They are the food,
His diet varies, but they're his favorites,
Hey, don't you have to shut these doors?
Not anymore, He's been depressed
since his mate died,
He won't fly, Just sits in his cage,
Medication, Give him two
of these at 10:00,
I have to shove these down his throat?
Just one, The other is inserted
into his rectum,
Don't worry, It's not
too unpleasant for him,
- He doesn't bite, does he?
- No, Not unless you taunt him,
You're not planning on taunting him,
are you, Tom?
- No,
- I mean, that'd be really sick,
No, of course not,
And the most important thing,
make sure he gets a pint of water,
The medication tends to dry him out
and then he can't breathe,
- OK,
- Well, I must be off,
- Henderson should be waiting outside,
- Henderson? I thought you fired him,
Because his ideas were stupid?
Of course not,
He's gonna drive me to the train station,
So, you can leave as soon
as Lisa and Hans get back,
- Hans?
- Lisa's boyfriend,
So remember, uh,,, water in the bowl,
medication, and,,,
anything happens to this house
while I'm gone, I'll kill you,
(door shuts))
(Paul over phone)) You're housesitting?
You gotta be kidding me.
(Tom)) I know, it sucks,
What are you talking about?
Don't you see? This is a test.
You watch Taylor's house,
come up with a couple of great ideas
and if everything goes smooth,
you get the promotion.
- You think so?
- Of course I do. What could be easier?
(crackles))
(. "Not What I Wanted" by Evan Olson))
(Lisa giggling)) What are you
doing, Hans? Come here.
Baby, you're gonna burn so bad if you
don't let me put this on you right now.
Oh, my God. You scared me, Hans.
You're insane. Put that down.
Want to put some on me?
Put some lotion on me.
- Is Jack around?
- Hey,,, what? Who are you?
It's OK, I'm Red Taylor, I'm Jack's son,
I let myself in the back,
- Oh, Hey, Tom Stansfield,
- Hey,
Tom, nice to meet you,
Am I interrupting something here?
Oh, no, Uh,,, I was,,, uh,,,
Oh, your shoes,
Nike, Uh, listen, Tom, can you
do me a favor? I lost my TV Guide.
I came over here to see if maybe
my dad's got a copy of one,
You haven't seen a copy of
the guide laying around, have you?
- My sister in?
- No, actually she's out for the evening,
- Bingo, (chuckles))
- Oh,
So, uh, you're here to,,,
- Housesit,
- Oh,
Yeah, it's probably for the best if you
don't, uh, tell Lisa that I stopped by,
- Why? Is there a problem?
- Well, you know how uptight she is,
- Really?
- I'm more the free spirit of the family,
Oh, Oh, boy, See that right there?
- Kirstie Alley?
- Yeah, I dated her maid,
- Really?
- I boned Kirstie Alley's maid,
And this is while they were
making Look Who's Talking,
Wow, that's really something,
I'll tell you another thing,
You know Michelle Pfeiffer?
Yeah,
I did the deed
with Michelle Pfeiffer's cousin,
- Wow,
- Right out there in those bushes,
- Right,
- Ah, she looked just like Michelle, too,
except she was brunette
instead of blond,
and she was kinda short and dumpy,
Well, uh, ya certainly have
an interesting life, Fred,
You married, Tom?
- No, I'm single,
- No girlfriend?
No, and, no, actually I had a girlfriend,
but we, uh, broke up,
- Ah,
- Ah,
Listen, I really gotta get back to work,
and since you got your TV Guide and,,,
So, you broke up, huh? That's too bad,
- Was your ex a looker?
- Yeah,
Yeah, in my opinion she was,
I bet you you still keep a picture
of her in your wallet,
- Yeah, I do,
- Can I see it?
- Yeah, I suppose,
- OK,
Let me find her in here, There she is,
(laughing)) Oh!
Tom, you lucky man!
- Yeah,
- Oh, she is a real piece of ass!
Oh, I could knock on that back door
all day long!
- Yeah? Sh-she's a pretty girl,
- Wow,
She has gotta be wicked in bed,
Tell me she's wicked in bed, Tom,
I bet you she banged your johnson raw
every single night,
- OK,,,
- ,,,'cause that is one fine-looking broad,
All right, Hey! Would ya...
I me... You're talking about my girlfriend,
- Ex-girlfriend, you said,
- Yeah, but still, it's,,,
Come on, I'm just making conversation,
You know, guy-talk,
Look, I just,,, I don't tell comfortable
talking about my intimate relationships
with a complete stranger,
Understood,
Well, you know, given how uptight
you are talking about sex,
you pretty much
answered the question,
I am not uptight! OK?
Just because I don't feel like
revealing personal details
about my ex-girlfriend's sexual habits
does not make me uptight,
I didn't ask you anything personal,
Well, then, what the hell
do you consider personal?
Well, it'd be like, you know,
if I asked you how big your rod was,
Then I would be out of line, 100%% %,
No, no! That is no worse than
asking me if my girlfriend's a nymph,
I just asked you if she dug sex,
Besides, I wouldn't have asked
if I'd known she was frigid,
Yeah, well, she is not frigid!
Are you leaving?
Oh, yeah,
And listen, Could you do me a favor?
- It's no big deal,
- What?
A business associate of my dad's
is gonna come by to pick this up,
- It's frozen steaks, it's a gift,
- It's not cold,
Dad says that's the way the guy
likes 'em, What are you gonna do?
Will you give it to him?
(doorbell)
Just one second,
(doorbell)
- Audrey,
- Tom,
(man)) Let's go! Come on!
Oh, I guess this makes sense,
He's got you living with him now?
- Uh, no, I'm just watching his place,
- (car horn))
- He's,,, Jack's out of town,
- He is?
- Yeah,
- Aw, shoot!
I came by 'cause I was
hoping to get my job back,
You know, the one that
you got me canned from
'cause I made a bad cup
of coffee? Remember that?
Listen, I'm really sorry about that,
How can you fire someone
for making a bad cup of coffee, huh?
I know, That's what I tried to say to him,
I mean, who do you think you are -
Juan fucking Valdez?
I might have had a future at that place
if you'd just give me half a chance,
- (man)) Let's get a move on, saddlebag!
- Oh, my God, That's my idiot boyfriend,
- (car horn))
- Hold your pants, you freakin' psycho!
God, He drives me crazy,
Oh, hey, you know, since you're on the
rug, would you mind putting these on?
- They're medical,,, I got 'em on, too,
- Ugh! Licorice,
I hate licorice, I need water
or I'm gonna throw up, Ugh!
Thanks to you, I lost my second job
inside a month and now I'm flat broke,
You lost another job?
Yeah, I got fired from my waitress job
just last Friday,
- Why did they fire you?
- Oh, I don't know,
One of the assistant managers
caught me making out with a customer,
- Excuse me?
- Well, I mean, actually the customer
was my boyfriend,
I mean, he became my boyfriend
after the incident anyway,
- You got any beer in here?
- Uh,,, Hey,
- Here we go,
- Would you mind putting these on?
It's a house rule, Oh, actually,
that's a twist,,, Aah!
That's the counter, Listen, Jack,
is just a real stickler, That'd be great,
No kidding, I found that out this morning,
(man)) I swear I am gonna freak out
and I'm gonna come in there,,,
- Oh, man, Spike's in a real mood,
- Uh,,,
- Don't even,,, hey,
- (doorbell)
- Come on, come on, come on, Shit,
- (Spike)) I swear to God, Audrey,
I'll piss on this guy's front steps!
Let's go!
- (knocking))
- (doorbell)
If you don't open this door this second,
I'm gonna come in there and,,,
- Hi,
- (burps))
- (clatter)
- Don't worry, Nothing broke,
Hey, Baby, come on, What are you
doing leaving me in the goddamn car?
Shake that tail, baby,
Come on, Let's get a move on,
- Hold your horses, Try acting civilized,
- Audrey!
This is Tom, the guy that I was
telling you about from the office,
Oh, the coffee dude,
You got some black ass karma
headed your way, superfreak,
Oh, we don't need no lecture
from you, Mr, High and Mighty,
Hey, shut that sass-trap of yours, little
lady, before I bounce you off the wall!
Look, I would appreciate it
if you would take this outside, please,
Hey, I'd appreciate it if you'd go
and buy yourself a bagel, Jewy,
Jewy? I'm not Jewish, And I don't
think that making fun of the,,,
- Don't pay attention to him, He's nuts,
- I'm nuts?
- Who do you think you are?
- Look, can we please take this outside?
Oh, come on,
You know what you are?
You're a filthy, little tramp,
Me? What about you and that waitress?
- Keep going,
- I never touched her ever,
- Swear?
- So help me God,
You swear on your mama's life?
Hell, woman, I ain't gonna
swear on my mama's life,
- Why not? If you're telling the truth,
- I think he's telling the truth, Audrey,
Then why won't you swear
on your mama's life?
Well, because I don't feel
like I have the right
to gamble with my mama's life,
that's why,
Gamble? But apparently
you got nothing to worry about
unless you're lying like
a hunk of morgue meat,
Hey, I ain't gonna sit here and get
called a liar by no skankin' whore!
Who you calling a whore,
you shrimp-dick bastard?!
Audrey, see now
you're just provoking him,
That's a vicious, flat-out,
bold-faced lie and you know it!
- Is it? Is it? I don't think so!
- I'll whip it out right now!
- No, no, no, I don't wanna see it,
- I'm gonna whip it out right now
and prove to you that she's a lying slut!
- Keep your meat in the fridge!
- You wanna see my piece?
- All right, All right! That is enough!
- Go get me a ruler, Tom! You go get,,,
That is it, I don't care
if you have a tiny shrimp dick!
- Or a giant whale dick, which that's,,,
- Goddamn it, Audrey!
You tell him you're a liar or I'm gonna
smash your face in, I swear!
- Wait a minute! You put that down!
- All right, Can we please just use fists?
- Come here, you little,,, (slap))
- You hit me, you bastard!
- I did not and you know it!
- He hit me!
He hit me as sure
as I'm standing right here!
- Did you hit her, Spike?
- Yes,
With an open hand,
It was with an open hand,
- So what if it's open?
- You can't,,,
- Then it don't count,
- Says who?
Says anyone, Ask the Jew,
All right, that's it,
You two have got to leave,
All right, that's fine,
But she is not coming with me,
You are not welcome in the double ride,
Fine, I don't care, I don't need your lousy
trailer, I'll stay right here with Tom,
- Fine, Stay with Tom,
- I'll stay right here,
Wait a minute, Whoa, Guys, you need
to try to work this thing out,
- He hit me! He knocked me on my can!
- I know, I know,
Well, but it was with
an open hand after all, and,,,
Relationships have their
ups and downs, you guys,
and you don't want to ruin this great,,,
(yelping))
Oh, God, The bird, OJ!
Oh, my God,
(continues yelping))
- (squeals))
- Oh,
You come back here or Tom's
gonna kick your butt! So take that!
(revs engine)) Ooh, I'm shaking
in my boots, baby!
Look at those two, OJ,
(phone ringing))
(Spike)) Oh, I ain't
running away, dummy!
- Hello?
- (Lisa)) Hi, Tom. How are ya?
- Hey, Lisa, I'm great, I'm great,
- (squawks))
- Is that OJ?
- Yeah, yeah.
- We just had a little drink of water,
- I haven't heard him squawk in years,
Oh, yeah,
He's quite the crazy bird, you know,
Yeah. Anyway, Tom,
I just wanted you to know
how much I appreciate
you helping me out tonight.
But I'd like to crash at a friend's place
tonight after the party,
Would you think it was horrible if I asked
you to stay the whole night tonight?
Oh, well,,, I-I don't think your dad
would want me staying here,
- Please?
- Yeah, I suppose I could stay,
Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate it.
See you tomorrow. (hangs up))
(Audrey)) I ain't afraid of you and Tom
sure as hell ain't scared neither!
Butthead! Loser!
(tires screeching))
Oh, my God, Thank God he's gone,
Hey, so is it OK if I stay here tonight?
Oh, man, it's,,, it's not even my house,
Oh, yeah,
OK, Well, I sure as hell
don't want any charity,
I mean, it's not like you
owe me anything, so,,,
And I'm sorry about
that whole office thing,
I know that you didn't mean
to get me fired,
- Yeah, You didn't deserve to get fired,
- Thanks,
OK,
Well, I guess I'll just go try
to find a homeless shelter then,
- Wait a second,
- Yeah?
(sighs)) God,
- Look, I suppose you can stay,
- Really? Oh! Thanks, Tom,
You're the best, Oh, and I'll
clean up the kitchen, OK?
- OK,
- OK, OK,
- (doorbell)
- (knocking))
(Tom)) Yeah, One second,
- (knocking))
- There's somebody at the door,
Hi, Uh, can I help you?
Vasquez sent me here
to pick up a package,
Oh, you're the,,, Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Red told me you might be stopping by,
Uh,,, Oh, hi, I'm Tom,
What is this, Oprah?
Just give me the goddamn package,
Oh, OK, Yeah, Um,,,
I think this is it,
If this ain't kosher,
I'm gonna break his thumbs,
Oh, well, by law, it should be stamped
right on the package there,
- (. Classical)
- What,,,
(squawks))
- Oh, Dinnertime, buddy,
- (. Classical continues))
OJ,,, today's specials include
a scrumptious buffet of mice kebabs,
- (squawks))
- (gasps)) Aah! Shit! Ah,,, crap!
You son of a bitch,
- (squeaks))
- Ha,
(grunts))
- (chuckles)) I got you now, buddy,
- (squealing))
(gasps)) Aah!
Aah! (groans))
(squawks))
- Dude, that was cool,
- Oh, my God,
- Tommy, easy on the antiques,
- (squawking))
- Was that an owl?
- Yes, OJ got out, How is he flying?
- Well, he is a bird,
- He,,, no, Jack said that he,,,
Aw, shit! I gotta find him,
Don't worry, He'll probably
come back when he's hungry,
No, I have to find him or I'm gonna
lose my job! You know what?
This isn't gonna help your chances
of getting your job back either,
OK,
- Where the hell is he?
- Tom, relax,
- Relax? OJ's loose!
- (gasping% screaming))
- This is no time to relax!
- Tom! He's right over here!
- Right there, right there, right there!
- OJ!
- Right there!
- OJ!
Stop! No, no, Stop, Stop,
OJ, OJ,,,
Get up, What the hell you doing
on my property? Planning to rob me?
No, I-I was just looking for,,,
Yeah, yeah, I see what you're looking
for, You got a thing for young girls, eh?
No,
Then why do you keep
eyeing my wife, you perv?
Your,,, no, I wasn't looking, I,,,
Arthur, are you gonna be back soon?
I need you to spot me,
Just give me a minute, honey,
- Oh,,, Please don't kill me,
- I'm not gonna kill you, OK,
If you let me live, I'll give you my
most valued possession, Here, take it,
You know what that is, don't you?
- Evander Holyfield's ear,
- What?
The part of the ear that
Mike Tyson bit off and spit out,
- But it's white,
- So?
- So, shouldn't it be black?
- Well, if it's still on his head, sure,
But anybody knows that a
severed ear loses its color,
- No,
- Sheryl?
- Yeah?
- What happens to an ear
- if it's severed from your head?
- It changes color, Duh,
- (thud)
- (Sheryl) Ow! Damn!
- (Audrey)) Tina, give me a beer,
- (man laughs))
- (Tina)) Oops,
- (man)) You have got to be kidding me,
- (Audrey)) Try another one,
- (Tina)) Come on, you guys!
- (clatter)
- (Tina)) Party!
- Come on, let's go!
- Audrey,,,
- What the hell is going on in here?
- Heads up,
Who are these people?
I invited some friends over
to help us look for the owl,
And Darryl even fixed
the table in the hall,
- Thank you,
- He won't even know it was broken,
- (bottle breaks))
- (man)) Air ball,
We'll get that later,
Everyone, this is Tom,
- Yo, Tom,
- Hi, guys,
You guys, Tom's a real good guy
and his nuts are gonna just,,,
Audrey, could you,,,
- What?
- Listen, I appreciate all your help,
But could you make sure that your
friends stay out of the house?
- All of them or just the colored guy?
- No, all of them,
Ooh, that's smart, That way the
colored guy won't take it personal,
- I have nothing against,,, Look,
- What?
I am responsible for this house
and I can't have all of these
people hanging around,
OK, all right, I got it,
You guys, let's move it out,
- Aw, I was just getting started,
- Good idea,
Thanks, guys, That's great,
- (Tina)) What about the cake?
- Don't worry, they're all good people,
They're not gonna steal nothing
or drink too much like the Indians,
Look,,, just make sure they stay outside,
- OK?
- OK,
(door opens% shuts))
- Lisa?
- Hi, Tom,
Uh, you're home? Why are you home?
It's not worth going into,
I got in a huge fight with Hans,
Oh, So,,, it's over?
It's my own fault for dating
a guy my dad likes,
Really?
Yeah, he's one of his top marketing
execs, You know, Harvard Law,
Comes from a good family, top
of the tennis letter at the country club,
- Tom, can I talk to you for a second?
- Audrey?
Yeah, She came to, uh, talk to your dad,
OK, I'm gonna go in my room,
You could stay if you want,
OK,
- Tom?
- Audrey, I'll be right there, OK?
OK,
- Or you could go,
- You know, maybe we could talk,,,
,,, later,
Here, How about this one?
- What's going on?
- We found the owl!
- Where is he?
- Uh, well, he got away,
- Where'd he go?
- He hopped somewhere in the bushes,
- That's right,
- What are you doing?
Getting hamburger meat,
That's a good way to lure birds,
- They like hamburger meat?
- I don't know, I've never had a bird,
- But most animals respond to meat,
- It's a fact,
Wanna help me separate the meat?
Speed, tell Tom about
the Kennedy assassination,
This is so cool, Tom, 'cause Speed
knows who killed JFK,
No, ask him! Tom, ask him,
- Ask him who killed him,
- All right, All right,
- Who killed JFK?
- Desi Arnaz,
- Oh,
- His life just changed,
(squeaking))
Oh,
Oh, God, Oh,,, oh,,, oh,,,
- Tom!
- (gasps)) Shit, Lisa,
- Uh, what are you doing in here?
- This is my closet,
Oh, Oh,,, uh, I had
something in my pants,
Um, I was feeding the mouse to the bird
and he, uh, ran down my pants,
- (mice squeaks))
- I'm sorry that, uh,,,
Oh, look! There it is!
That way! The bedroom,
- (Lisa)) Whoa, Watch out!
- Aah! (groans))
- Oh, my gosh, Are you OK?
- Yep, Yep, I'm good,
Don't worry, we'll get it later,
Oh, here, Let me help you,
You know, I'm really glad you stayed,
I needed a good laugh tonight,
Thanks, Wow, Yeah, could I make
a bigger ass out of myself?
- (chuckling)) Do you want some wine?
- Uh, no, thanks,
Yeah, sure,
- Cheers,
- Cheers,
Oh, my God, Is that signed
by Walter Payton?
Yeah, "Sweetness", '85 Bears, Only the
greatest team ever to play the game,
Shut up, Walter Payton,
Jim McMahon, Mike Singletary,
You know what?
You may be the coolest girl ever,
- You like football?
- Yeah, I love it,
I didn't know you guys liked football,
Yeah, No, me and Paul
watch the game every Sunday,
- Paul, too?
- Yeah,
- Oh,
- (chuckles))
Oh, what's that?
Oh, it's nothing,
It's just something I used to do,
That is really good,
I didn't know you were an artist,
I used to be, but I couldn't get any more
of my friends to pose nude for me,
- You wouldn't be interested, would you?
- Uh,,,
You're blushing, I was just joking,
I'm not blushing, I just-I just
get red from time to time,
You are so funny,
No, seriously, you should really
pursue this, I mean, you're good,
I would, but it doesn't really fit in
with my father's plan for me,
Future of Midnight Owl Publishing,
- (mice squeaks))
- Oh, look! There it is,
- He's right there, Through the door,
- We'll get him, We'll get him,
- Whoa! Watch out!
- (groans))
- Are you OK?
- Your dad's gonna kill me,
No, don't worry about it,
It's my brother's, My dad won't care,
Oh, Red,
- Oh, so Dad told you?
- About what?
- The restraining order,
- How's that?
Yeah, Red's not allowed within
100 yards of me, my dad, or this house,
He,,, uh, he didn't-he didn't mention that,
Red's a freak, You don't want
to be around my dad if he finds out
anyone was in this house,
especially Red,
It's like wherever he is, there's trouble,
I mean, one time, he had this big party
'cause Dad was out of town
and my dad came home early,,,
Hey, uh,,, you know, since the mouse is
gone, what say we, uh, go back inside?
OK,
(grunts))
(both screaming))
(. Synthesizer)
- It was up for an Oscar? I hated it!
- I know! (laughing))
Oh, I hated that movie!
Man, I can't believe you,
You're like,,, you're so different
from how you are at work,
What am I gonna do? Like, walk around
with my Walter Payton jersey?
No, no, I get it, It's, like, at work
you have to be Lisa Taylor:
The, you know, loyal employee
to the family firm,
And I have to be,,, Tom,,,
Tom Stansfield: The guy
who will do anything for anybody,
Yup, That's me,
I swear, it's like I can just
talk to you about anything,
I know, exactly, It's,,,
- Yeah, this is crazy,
- Yeah, it is,
I guess it's because there's no
attraction between us, you know?
Yeah,
You know, there's none
of that sexual tension,
- Yeah,
- It's like I'm with a girlfriend,
- It's great, isn't it?
- Yeah,
I mean, maybe we could go to the mall
sometime and go shopping,
- That would be fun! Wouldn't it be fun?
- Yeah,
Wait, you have to listen to this song,
Come on, I need
someone to dance with!
- You don't want to see me dance,
- (. "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing')
- Come on, dance with me,
- I have no idea what I'm doing,
Come on, Put your hands together,
Yeah! Now go underneath,
- What,,, like this?
- Yeah!
- Like that?
- Yeah! (squeals))
Hold on, hold on, Watch, watch, watch,
- (pants rip))
- Oh,
- Yeah! Oh,,,
- I'm trying to do too much,
(laughing)) Oh! Yeah!
- (squealing))
- I'm a dancer,
- Catch me,
- Oh,,, what?
(squeals))
- I got you!
- Whoa!
Whoa,,, (chuckles))
OK, I am doomed,
Here,
(. "Better Man" by Martina Sorbara))
Oh, I love this song,
My friend Jenny does this
really wild strip routine
for her boyfriend to this song,
It's super sexy, Even you'd appreciate it,
I wish I could be like her, you know?
She's so free and everything,
(giggles))
(giggling))
So, what do you think?
Ah, it's,,, it's, uh, very nice,
So if you weren't gay,
this would turn you on, right?
- Gay? Who said I was gay?
- My father, You mean it's not true?
- No!
- No? God, I'm so embarrassed!
- I can't believe you'd let me do this!
- I didn't mean to,,, I mean, um,,,
Why would your father say that I'm gay?
I don't know, Well, you can't blame him
entirely, I mean, you are a little feminine,
- (gasps))
- Don't be hurt,
It's OK,
Hans is a bit of feminine, too,
What exactly did Hans do anyway?
Well, it's not like he did just one thing,
It's more about trust,
Yeah, Trust is,,, it's important,
Trust is everything,
I don't know, Maybe it's me, It's like
I'm just sending out some kind of vibe,
- I can't attract a decent guy,
- No,
- What's wrong with me?
- Don't even worry about it,
You're gonna find another guy so fast,
I mean, look at you, You're amazing,
- You really think so?
- Why do you think I'm here tonight?
Oh, God, Tom,
You didn't know, You thought that,,,
(door opens))
Uh,,, uh,,, I'm gonna,,, I'll be right back,
I'm just gonna go and check
and see if Audrey needs towels,
Tom, you don't have to lie to me,
If you have to go to the bathroom,
go take a crap and come back,
(chuckles))
(clatter)
What the,,, hey! What the hell
are you doing here, man?
(grunts))
You try to bone Vasquez out of 20 grand
and you ask me what I'm doing?
You think I work for Mrs, Fields? You
think my boss likes to bake cookies?
- Whoa! What are you doing? Come on,
- You tried to sell me flour,
Flour? I-I don't even know what
you're talk,,, What are you,,, Come on!
Look, I'm just housesitting for my boss,
- Who's your boss?
- Jack Taylor,
Jack Taylor, huh? I did time
in Joliet with a Jack Taylor,
Average height, medium hair,
horrible case of folliculitis on his ass?
- I wouldn't know about the folliculitis,
- I thought you said he was your boss,
- He is,
- And you never saw his ass?
- Why would I see my boss's ass?
- It stands to reason,
You work for a guy long enough,
sooner or later,
you're gonna get a glimpse of his ass,
Listen, I-I don't know
what line of work you're in,
but I've never seen my boss's ass,
Hey, man,,,
Hey! Hey, stop it
or I'm gonna call the cops!
And tell them what?
Your drug deal went bad?
You rat me out, I'm gonna
carve you up like a turkey
and beat your kids
with what's left of you,
- I don't have any kids,
- I can wait,
(. Cell phone ringing
"Fur Elise" by Beethoven))
Excuse me, Hello? Right, OK,
Tommy, let's get clear on something,
In the next 60 minutes, I'm gonna
bring Vasquez what he paid for
or your gift-wrapped nuts,
(door shuts))
- Oh, hi, Tom, What's going on?
- Yeah, That's what I wanna know,
What's going on with your dad's gift?
See,,, Do you see that guy?
He was gonna kill me!
Don't you think you're
overreacting a little, Tom?
Overreacting? The guy had a knife!
I don't think that I am overreacting!
He probably just had the wrong address,
I mean, there's gotta be over a dozen
Jack Taylor's in Chicago alone,
I'm gonna go to my dad's bedroom,
You tell me if the guy shows up again,
All right, All right, You listen to me,
You're not even supposed
to be in this house,
Says who?
I know about the restraining order, Red,
Restraining-shmaining, I mean,
that's just a big misunderstanding,
(Audrey)) Tom! It's OJ!
(overlapping chatter)
(Audrey and friends)) Oh,,,
- Whoa, Hey, Who are you?
- I'm here to see Lisa, My name's Hans,
- Is that so shocking?
- No,
What, you surprised she'd go out
with someone like me?
No, no, It's not,,,
Give me a break, man,
You oughta be ashamed of yourself,
Let me tell you something,
There are a lot of girls out there
who can see past the fact
that I just happen to be,,,
a few pounds overweight,
(crying)) You know, inside
I'm just like everyone else,
- Let me get you a tissue,
- Thank you,
- I'm on the second day of a new diet,
- Hey, uh, Hans,,,
- I gave up chocolate,
- I'm really sorry,
I think that, uh, we just
got off on the wrong foot,
Oh,,, uh,,, It's good
to meet you, Hans, I'm Tom,
I, uh,,, (clears throat)
I'm just a friend of Lisa's,
Oh, great, Well, maybe you can
help me, Is she here? Lisa! Lisa!
Whoa, Hans, you know what?
Maybe right now isn't a great time
for you to see Lisa,
What say, uh, we get you a drink?
Oh, OK, Yeah, she's
probably really upset,
You see, we got in a misunderstanding
tonight and, well, she left me,
- Wow, that's unfortunate,
- Yeah,
Uh, what happened?
Well, I think seeing me naked from
behind like that kind of shocked her,
Oh, So, tonight was the first time,
Yeah, Tonight was the first time,
It was awesome,
I mean, I was lying up on the bed like
this with one leg straight up in the air,
- I don't think I really need to see,,,
- And I had a handful of ass right here,,,
- Whoa,
- ,,, and I had a handful of this,
Hans, please, Whoa,
God, you're,,, that's,,,
- And that's when Lisa walked in,
- What?
She caught me in the bed with a blonde,
What?
Aw, come on, man, Tell me you
haven't ever wanted to do it with a,,,
Hans, Hans, No,,, you cheated on her,
You know something, Tom?
You're right,
Aw, I guess that was cheating,
And now I've gone and lost everyone,
I should have known
from the start it wasn't right,
She kept telling me
I reminded her of her dad,
Hans, you gotta realize
that this is over, you know?
And you gotta put an end to it,
and-and move on,
- And get yourself to a better place, OK?
- Yes,
- I think you know what I mean,
- Yeah, I do know what you mean,
And I'm ready, I know what I have to do,
Well, I guess this is good-bye,
- (squawking))
- OJ!
(Hans)) Thanks, Tom,
(Tom)) OJ, come back!
(dog barks))
OJ!
(squawks))
Hello, You must be Julie's date,
Come in, Come in,
Actually I'm just here looking for a bird,
Make yourself at home, Albert,
Julie's still getting ready,
- No, actually, uh, my name is Tom,
- I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing,
- Could you speak up, please?
- (shouts)) My name is Tom!
I could've sworn Julie
said your name was Albert,
No, see, I'm afraid that you're mistaken,
- Is someone here?
- Yes, This is Julie's date, Albert,
- Ah! Ah!
- This is my nephew, George,
- He's blind and crippled,
- Oh, Uh,,, (shouts)) nice to meet you,
I'm not deaf,
Excuse me, I'll go see what's
keeping Julie, She's probably nervous,
So you're Julie's date, huh?
No, I'm just,,, I just came here,
I was looking for an owl,
(laughs)) You don't have
to make lame excuses,
Listen, do you know what the
advantage is in being a cripple?
No, I can't say that I do,
You don't really care to hear much
what I have to say, do you?
No, no, It's not that, I'm,,,
You know what?
Go ahead, I'm listening,
Sit down, Tom,
You know what I gained
by becoming a quad?
What, are you shaking your head?
I can't see, you know!
I'm sorry, Uh,,, uh,,,
Tell me what you gained,
I no longer need my Viagra,
Now I can maintain
my arousal for hours,
That's-that's great,
I guess things have a way
of evening themselves out
in the long run, huh?
No, not really, And do you know why?
No, why?
Because I am a blind,
quad freak, you moron!
What, you think women dig this?!
- I mean, you think women go,,,
- Well, hello,
,,,"I wanna give that mutant
freak my number"?
- Ken Morehouse, I'm Julie's dad,
- Hey, nice to meet you,
Is, uh, George boring you
with his self-pitying tripe?
- Tripe,,,
- No, not at all,
"I'm blind, I'm crippled, Boohoo-hoo,"
Leave the room, I wanna talk
to Albert alone for a second,
- I can stay if I want,
- Leave the room!
- OK, OK,
- Get out!
- You don't have to be huffy about it!
- Get out now! Get out!
- OK,
- Turn it, turn it, turn it,
- Oh, for God's sakes,
- (clatter)
- I'm so sorry,
- (George)) Who the hell put that there?
- (cat meows))
- (thud)
My daughter's gonna be a few minutes,
Have a-Have a seat, Albert,
- Tom,
- No, Ken,
- Right, You're Ken,
- Yes,
Before you say anything, Albert,
I just want you to know that Julie
is really self-conscious about her
appearance since the,,, the accident,
- (door shuts))
- Right,,,
- Oh, Julie,
- Julie, this is Albert, Albert, Julie,
- It's nice to meet you, Albert,
- Wow, It's,,, wow,
It's nice to meet you, too,
But, the thing is, is that I'm not Albert,
- That is to say that I'm not your date,
- Oh,,
There's been a giant misunderstanding,
- Oh, how could you?
- (crying)) I knew this would happen!
No, I'm telling the truth,
Julie wasn't pretty enough
for you, Mr, GQ? Is that it?
- No, you don't understand,
- Oh, I understand, Fabio,
- You broke that poor girl's heart,
- No, no, See, I'm not,,,
Do you think Julie is an idiot? Do you
think she bought your little fairy tale
Mr, I'm Too Sexy
for my medical booties?
- Oh, th,,,
- Get the hell out of here,
Or I'll kick your pretty-boy ass
to kingdom come,
- Am I interrupting something?
- No, it's just that the,,,
- (squawks))
- (grunts))
Tom, there's two things
that we need to talk about,
What?
First of all, I don't wanna
wear these booties anymore,
- No one else is wearing the booties,
- Fine,
- What's the other thing?
- Tina thinks she's got cancer,
- Do you feel it?
- Uh, I'm just,,,
- What's supposed to be there? I don't,,,
- See, Tina?
Move your hand to the left,
Now move it around,
Uh-huh,
- Don't you feel anything?
- Yeah, I mean, no, no,
No, it seems to be,,, Well,,,
Tina, your breast is no
different than mine, OK?
- It is, There's no comparison,
- Tom, feel my breast and compare,
Now, do you detect any difference
between our breasts?
- Well,,, You gotta slow down a little,
- It sure feels good,
- Well, yours is a,,,
- (door opens))
- Lisa, this isn't what it looks like,
- I believed everything you said,
I'm,,,
It was all just a bunch of lines, wasn't it?
No, no, Lisa, it was all,,,
I swear to you, I meant every word,
This is,,, nothing's going on here,
Great, Tom, I'm glad you think
I'm a complete idiot,
No, no, I'm telling you, I was just
checking these girls for breast cancer,
- You make me sick,
- No,,, Lisa, wait!
- She's never gonna forgive me,
- Of course she will,
Is this the first time you cheated on her?
Yeah, No! I,,, yeah,,, wait,
I didn't cheat on her, I mean,
you were there for God's sakes!
Look, I know that
you didn't cheat on her,
- I mean, you were a little grabby, but,,,
- I,,,
Look, don't you think
we should just find the owl
and worry about your little "affair" later?
I,,, I am get,,, I'm getting angry
and I don't get angry,
- Ugh!
- Hey, Speed?
Hey, can I ask you a question?
- What are you,,, I thought you left,
- I did,,, to get this,
- All right, Why is the fire going?
- Cozy, isn't it?
- All right, You put that down,
- Make me,
All right,
Hey! Hey! Put the crowbar down!
Or I will blow your ass to fucktown!
That's right,
- Don't you ever threaten me,
- But,,, I got a gun,
- What are you doing?
- Well, Tommy, we both have guns,
Only difference is, you don't
have the guts to use yours,
Oh, yeah?
Well, what makes you so sure?
Oh, I'm sure,
(trickling))
Oh! Oh,,, Jesus! What the,,,
What are you, out of your mind?
- (phone ringing))
- Stop that! Are you crazy, man?!
(chimes))
- Hello?
- (Taylor) Stansfield. Anything to report?
Sir! Uh, everything's great,
I got,,, everything's under control,
- Did OJ get enough water?
- (TJ)) Whoa!
Uh, OJ,,, What? Oh, yes,
Uh, Jack, could you hold on?
I'm gonna shoot your pecker off,
I don't plan on being away
the entire weekend.
- I hate you! I hate you!
- It's possible I may be
coming home early, so make sure
that everything's in order.
Jesus!
Oh, something I forgot to tell you.
- Sir?
- The fishtank. It's a little low.
- I'm taking care of that right now,
- Good.
When I get back, I want to talk to you
about that position in Creative.
- Aah!
- Don't get excited yet.
I didn't say you had the job.
We'll discuss it.
Uh, thank you, sir, Uh, great, Bye,
Holy shit!
I just,,,
Boy, I'm tapped out,
You got anything to drink?
In the kitchen, Thanks,
Dammit!
Whoa! What the hay happened in here?
Tom, did you have a little accident?
You might wanna try a few Kegels,
Kinda tighten it up down there,
- That's it!
- I'm doing 'em right now, And release,
Well, when in Rome,,,
- (trickling))
- . Oh, Canada
"Jack Taylor, Rectacid,
Apply liberally to buttocks as needed
to reduce redness
and other symptoms of folliculitis,"
Son of a bitch,
- Did you piss yourself?
- No, I did not piss myself,
- Looks like you did,
- Well, I didn't,
It was that maniac downstairs,
We gotta stop him before
he tears this house apart,
You know what you gotta do?
Give him one of these little babies,
- What's that?
- It's a sleeping pill,
I got 'em from Speed, Here,
So strong, so be careful,
- It's powerful stuff,
- Here, Just one,
Be careful,
Hey, Excuse me,
You know, I just wanted to apologize
for pulling that gun on you earlier,
That was totally out of line,
Hey, you know, I don't
even know your name,
- I'm TJ,
- TJ? That's nice,
I guess maybe I was out of line
by pissing all over everything,
Man,,, that was funny, (laughs))
Yeah, I've always enjoyed a good prank,
What are you drinking there?
Whiskey, You want some?
There's plenty of booze
around here, that's for sure,
Yeah, I'll take a shot of bourbon,
- Oh, my God! Wow!
- What?
Whoa! Look at those
two blondes going at,,,
- Oh, wait, are there three of them?
- Where?
They're going at it right up there
on the second floor,
- Where are you looking?
- Right th,,, uh,,, Oh, man, they left,
(chuckles))
Damn, I was all psyched up
for some action,
Lesbians are very special,
Oh,,, Hey, I'll drink to that, huh?
- Cheers,
- All right,
Mmm,
- (grunts))
- Oh, are you,,,
- Whoa,
- Here, Why don't I,,,
- (glass breaks))
- Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
(steps on glass))
- Whoa,
- (gong))
- Audrey?
- (babbling))
Audrey!
(gasps)) Oh, my God!
He's like a human vibrator,
What,,, All right,
what is wrong with him?
- I don't know, Did you slip him the pill?
- Yes,
Then that must be it then,
You didn't give him the pill
with whiskey, did you?
- Yeah,
- Oh, no!
- You're not supposed to mix the two,
- Audrey, you did not tell me that!
Everyone knows that you're not
supposed to mix booze with pills!
- Come on!
- OK, Is he gonna be OK?
Don't worry, He'll be fine,
I used to be a paramedic,
- Tom? I think I found OJ,
- OJ? I don't care about,,,
We have a situation here,
Audrey, call 911!
- I'm telling ya, he'll be fine,
- Are you sure?
- He just needs some rest, I'm positive,
- OK, You watch TJ, Use this,
It's not loaded, but he doesn't know that,
- (doorbell)
- Oh, man!
- Oh, hey,
- Julie,
- From,,, yeah,
- Down the block, That's right,
You mind if I come in?
(Audrey)) All right, You grab his ankles,,,
Why don't we go
to that room over there?
- (Speed) OK, yeah, I got this end,
- (Audrey)) Man, he's heavy,
Do you mind if I sit down?
- Uh,,, yeah, Sure,
- Thank you,
Oh, hey, Sorry to butt in, Hi, I'm Red,
- Hi, it's nice to meet you,
- Nice to meet ya,
Anyway, I realized you were telling
the truth when my real date showed up,
- Of course he didn't stick around,
- Well, that guy is a bum,
Well, I'm sure that had
nothing to do with you,
No, I know it did,
I've never had any guys attracted to me,
even before the accident,
Now that cannot be true,
Well,,, about six months ago,
I was hitchhiking
and a trucker tried to rape me,
but other than that,,,
Come on, You're gonna tell me,
you never had a real boyfriend?
Well, once, but I think
he just felt sorry for me,
Oh, well, uh,,, how long did that last?
Um,,, about six years
and then one day, he just left,
- Another woman?
- No, He got hit by a bus,
(Red) Well, see that's not your fault,
Well, he didn't seem to try
very hard to avoid the bus,
I think he just wanted
out of the relationship,
Julie, why don't you sit in this chair?
Oh, geez, I'm starting
to feel a bit woozy,
(blood squishes))
OK, All right, I have to go find OJ,
So, Red, if you could watch things
for me, that'd be great,
Got ya,
Look, I think you're being
way too hard on yourself,
I mean, besides, I bet there've been a lot
of guys who've been attracted to you,
No, he was the only one,
What about that trucker? I mean,
he was obviously attracted to you,
(sighs)) I think the trucker probably
would have raped anyone,
I doubt that, You were probably
pretty special to him,
(chuckles)) So sweet of you, Red,
I'm not just jerking
your chain either, I mean it,
- (giggles))
- Yeah, (chuckles))
- What are you doing to the lawn?
- It's OK, Tom, We just had to bury TJ,
Bury,,, what? You mean, he's,,,
You said he was gonna be OK!
I thought you were a paramedic,
- Well, I took a course,
- You took,,, you-you guy,,,
You can't just bury him, you guys!
Well, we're not gonna put him in my car,
- (Audrey)) That's right,
- All right, Forget it, I'm calling 911,
- That's for emergencies,
- What do you think this is?
The guy's dead, In 20 minutes,
he's still gonna be dead,
- There's no sense of urgency here,
- (chuckles))
No, we have to call the cops
and report it!
- And tell 'em what?
- The truth! That there was a,,, accident,
- They might not see it that way,
- Let's face it, Tom, You did kill him,
- You gave me the pill,
- Hey, I didn't tell you to kill nobody, OK?
Well, you didn't tell me
not to use the whiskey!
- Well, if you'd listen to me,,,
- You didn't say anything about whiskey!
- (whistles))
- I would think you would listen to me!
There's no time for blame games,
Why don't you spread around
some leaves? Make it look good,
I am not gonna help
you conceal a dead body!
Hey, you know what? Don't you
think we should say something?
- What?
- You know what? She's right,
Some kind of last rites or eulogy
or something like that?
- I'm so screwed,
- We should say something,
Fine, fine, You know what? Say
something, Get,,, just make it quick,
Lord, this day we lay to rest TJ,
who was, uh,,,
- I really didn't know him,
- I don't know him,
I mean, Tom, you know him the best,
Why don't you say something?
- Me?
- Yeah,
All I know is that the guy was a violent,
sadistic goon that was into lesbians,
Amen,
- Tom?
- Lisa,
- I can't believe you're still here,
- Listen, please,
You have to let me explain,
Look, Tom, Tonight was just a
big mistake, That's all there is to it,
No, you,,, that,,, what you saw with
the girls, all that was was weird timing,
Red? What's Red doing here?
Red? Oh, uh, Red
was in the neighborhood
and he-and he stopped by,
But, you see, nothing really
bad happened tonight,
- Is he the reason OJ's gone?
- No, No, uh,,, OJ got loose,
And that's a little problem,
But we're gonna find him,
And we're looking for him, so,,,
What's this?
Oh, uh, Tom killed a guy
and we're burying the body,
- OK, that was bad,
- Aah!
OK, well, now you're
overreacting, It's not,,,
- Oh!
- Aah!
(all yelling))
All right, all right, hey,
Anybody moves, there's gonna be
a big hole where her brain used to be,
Yeah, Go ahead, shoot,
Well, what are you waiting for?
Come on!
What are you waiting for?!
Waste the bitch!
- Tom!
- No, I don't give a shit!
- Hey, I'm not joking, asshole,
- Yeah?
Pull the trigger, Come on, Come on!
I think you're just all talk,
Looks like we both got guns,
Who's gonna shoot first this time?
(chuckles))
(groans))
(Red) Well, that should do it,
Tom! You are so brave,
No, no, It's not even that big of a deal,
This gun's not even loaded,,,
- (gunshot)
- (grunt)
(man)) What the hell is going on?
I never should have doubted you,
You risked your life for me,
Audrey found some bullets in
the kitchen and I may have reloaded it,
Yeah, I did,
Yo, excuse me, Does anyone here
know a Jack Taylor?
Why?
This dude just called, said if I don't pick
him up at the train station in 15 minutes,
I'm out of a job, What do
you suppose that means?
Oh, my God,
That's what I thought,
'cause I ain't got no job,
- He's coming home early,
- OK, don't worry about it,
I'll take care of everything, OK?
Trust me, Just don't drive too fast,
Got it,
And, um, maybe you
should put that away,
Oh, God,
(. "Go Home" by Barenaked Ladies))
Ooh,
(squeaks))
(sighs))
(. Whistling))
I knew that was you,
(beer bottles clank)
(Taylor) As long as we're in Thailand
for the meeting on Monday afternoon,
Yeah, We can pick it up
when we refuel in Hawaii,
Hey, uh, do you wanna stop
and, uh, get something to drink,
go to the bathroom or something?
We'll take the departmental heads now
and the Creative team
in a couple of weeks,
(squeaks))
That's the agenda up to lunch,
then there's lunch,,,
(squawking))
- OK, And then,,,
- (squawks))
- (horns honk)
- (tires screech))
OK, OK,
OK, fine,
- Stansfield, what are you doing?
- Nothing, sir,
Hold on a moment, please,
Stansfield,,, why don't you
just concentrate on the driving
and let me get on with making my call,
- Wait!
- What is it now, Stansfield?
Oh, nothing, sir, Almost home,
- Hey, How'd this get in there?
- Oh, be careful with that,
I will, Good thing I found it,
There's several ways to properly
dispose of a handgun,
none of which include
putting it in a garbage bag,
(cop over megaphone))
Freeze! Police! Freeze!
Let go of the girl
and put your hands in the air!
You're completely surrounded, TJ!
Put down your weapons
and put your hands on you head!
No, you guys, Wait, He's not TJ,
I'm Lisa Taylor, This is my dad's house,
Ma'am, we've received
numerous reports
from this neighborhood: Theft, gunfire,,,
All right, Look, I know you probably
think we may have killed somebody,
but Tom didn't know
he poisoned the guy,
and we thought he was dead when
we buried him, But he seems OK now,
His head's just a little bloody
from where we hit him with the shovel,
And I swear when Tom shot the gun off,
he didn't think it was loaded
'cause I put the bullets back in,
so if you'll all just step inside,
you'll see there's nobody dead here,
He may have had the wind
knocked out of him temporarily,
but with a little first aid,
I think he'll be just fine,
(screaming))
(screaming))
- (screams))
- (screams))
Holy mother of God!
(Lisa)) Hans!
Yes, I see, I see,
- (squeaks))
- OK, fine,
- (squawking))
- Whoa!
Could you say that again?
You're breaking up!
One moment, please, OJ!
(tires screeching))
I just can't understand why you would
do this, Hans, what were you thinking?
He'll be fine, He may complain
about a sore throat,
but he's in a lot better shape
than this chandelier,
Well, I'd hate to be here
when the owner gets back,
You can say that again,
- (man)) Whoa!
- (car horn))
- Tom! Daddy!
- What do we got?
- What was that?
- Watch the glass, OK, everybody?
- Let's get 'em out of the car,
- Oh, my God! Daddy!
- Everybody, stay back and remain calm,
- (Lisa)) Are you all right?
That's him, That's the one spying
on me through the bushes,
He shot the bullet right through
my Julie's bedroom window,
Here, Tell 'em, Julie,
You guys, Tom wants the body in here,
- (TJ)) Take it easy, Put me down,
- (gasps))
Stansfield, what have you done?
Lisa, pack your things,
You're coming with me to Thailand,
No!
Get his ass out of here,
It's funny you should mention
the word "ass", Jack,
Why don't we start
by talking about yours,
Excuse me?
Lisa, your father is not
who you think he is,
The whole publishing operation,
It's a great cover,
Now how'd you do it? What'd you do?
Did you hollow out the books?
Oh, and locating the plant
in Thailand, It's genius!
- What are you talking about?
- What am I,,, Jack,
You know, I-I would've believed
you, Jack,,, until I met this man,
who seems to know a lot about ya,
Recognize this? I hear it's very
effective in relieving folliculitis,
I don't have folliculitis,
He's given me no choice,
- He's given me no choice!
- Tom, what are you doing?
- This is insane!
- Yeah? Take a look at your dad's ass,
- No!
- Then tell me I'm insane, huh?
- (all) Oh! Ooh!
- Huh? Huh? Look at it!
Look at it! Huh? Huh?
- Ooh,,,
- What?
(man)) Oh, that's nasty,
I told you I don't have folliculitis,
you blithering idiot,
Well, guys, the ointment
must have worked,
Let's go,
Wait! I have something to show ya,
(all) Oh!
(Hans)) What's with this movie
and the ass cheeks?
My real name is Jack Taylor,,, Jr,
Red is my nickname,
Now you know why,
I'm the whole reason that TJ's here,
Goddamn it, Red, You've been
dealing drugs out of my house!
No, Dad, I swear,
I gave this guy a bag of flour,
I dumped a kilo of the real stuff
down the toilet,
I'm finished dealing for good,
The lime green toilet
with the wooden seat?
- Yeah, why?
- (squawking))
(all) Ooh!
(all) Whoa!
Wait a second, He's flying,
He's flying,
(squawking))
(all) Whoa!
- (OJ squeals))
- (car horn))
- (tires screeching))
- (crash))
Get him out of my sight, Now,
Lisa, let's go,
That's the one, He got my ear!
Evander Holyfield's ear,
You have to right to remain silent,
Anything you say can and,,,
Lisa, wait!
(Arthur) That's Holyfield's ear
for God's sake,
(thunder rolling))
- (squawking))
- OJ?
OJ! Come to Daddy,
How's my little boy?
(squawking))
- You're going with him?
- What choice do I have? He needs me,
Are you actually feeling sorry for him?
He's manipulating you
and you are buying it,
All right, fine, You do what you gotta do,
I am gonna bail Tom out of jail,
With what? Your drug money?
No, no, no, I stole this out of Dad's safe,
Look, the important thing is,
somebody has gotta help Tom,
You know that nothing that happened
here last night was any of his fault,
It's funny, The nicest guy in the world's
the only one with enough balls
to stand up to Dad,
All he wanted to do was
to spend some time with you,
Look what it gets him,
Classic Dad, I'm not allowed in the
house, you're not allowed out of it,
He doesn't care about us,
Only that stupid bird,
- Hey, Red, can I tell you something?
- Sure,
I know this is gonna sound weird,
but ever since I was a little kid,,,
I used to always wish
that I was that stupid bird,
Aw,
(squawks))
Look, I think it's about time
you talk to Dad,
At least tell him how you feel,
You can do it,
(grunts))
(yells))
Don't you see, we have no reason
to be afraid of him?
- Aah!
- (screaming))
Aah!
(grunting)) Aah!
- (yells))
- (thud)
- Daddy!
- Lisa, don't let him do this to you,
Lisa! Aah!
- Lisa!
- Tom!
Red bailed me out,,, and told me you
were here and I'm not letting you go,
- Yeah, but I'm,,,
- No, You're gonna let me finish,
I went through hell last night and it was
my fault 'cause I let people do it to me,
And now you're gonna
make the same mistake,
- Yeah, but,,,
- This isn't what you want,
This is what your father wants,
And you know what?
Maybe you and I,,, never
are gonna work, And that hurts,
But not as much as watching you
be controlled by a ruthless tyrant
that would screw his own mother
if he thought it'd help him get ahead,,,
Tom! I'm not going,
She's-she's not going,
Is this whole concept too complicated
for you, Stansfield?
No, No,
All right, (chuckles))
Wha,,, I,,, What made you stay?
That,
- How did you guys,,,
- We finally had our long overdue talk,
Then-then who's taking
your place in Thailand?
- He is,
- (gong))
- What's this?
- (neck cracks)) Ow!
- I'm kidding,
- I don't wanna go, I'm afraid,
Nonsense, Everyone knows that, uh,,,
Asian people are very
intimidated by, uh,,,
- Tall men?
- Canadians?
- Republicans?
- Blacks?
- Henderson?
- Yes, sir,
I won't have that kind of thinking
in this company,
There's no room for racism here,
You're fired,
Now, Tom, the point that I'm getting to
is that with a big part of the team away,
I'm gonna want you to take over
the Creative Department,
- Me?
- No need to be modest,
I saw those ideas you left
in the living room,
Your theory on the JFK thing, brilliant,
And the moon landing, a hoax?
You're really on to something there,
That's the kind of thinking
that's gonna sell books,
Uh, thank you, sir,
Bye, Daddy, Have a safe flight,
Well, Dad,,, that's fantastic,
You promoted Tom,
Yeah, well, I figure anyone who's got
the guts to piss on my Persian carpet
has gotta have what it takes,
Stansfield!
(trickling))
- What the hell are you doing?
- Just trying to get my job back, sir,
- (Lisa squeals))
- (chuckles))
(Tom)) You know, after everything
that happened, after all I went through,
I guess it was my lucky day.
And I'm not the only one.
Based on Lisa and Red's suggestions,
Jack restructured the company
from top to bottom.
Even instituting casual
Fridays every day.
And last Friday was Henderson's
27th straight day on the job
without being fired.
OJ's back off the drugs
and now he only drinks beer.
(burps))
(chuckles)) But he still has
an occasional flashback.
(squawks))
Jack begged Audrey to come back,
but she got a job
at, of all places, a coffee shop.
- Ew!
- Ugh!
- Ew!
- Ew!
This is terrible!
Hans succeeded in turning around
the company's factory in Thailand.
But apparently he's still struggling
to cope with the local customs.
- Back of bus!
- Excuse me?
- You people belong back of bus,
- That's an outrage!
Man, I'm not gonna let you treat me
like that merely because I'm,,,
Smoking! Smokers belong back of bus!
(coughing))
As for me, with my new promotion,
I could at last write books
based on my own experiences.
- So I did.
- Thank you,
And Lisa was finally able to pursue
a career that she loved.
You know, you ever heard
someone say that old expression:
"Why does everything bad
always happen to me?"
Well, I don't get those people...
'cause I've learned that if they just stop
and look around, they'd realize
that everything happens for a reason.
("Burn the Boats" by Early Edison)
TJ - I told him he'd see
the ass sooner or later.