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My Dinner with Hervé (2018)
( music playing )
Fly me to the moon And let me play among the stars Let me see what spring is like On Jupiter and Mars In other words Hold my hand In other words Darling, kiss me Fill my heart with song And let me sing forevermore You are all I long for All I worship and adore In other words Please be true In other words I love you - ( phones ringing ) - ( indistinct chatter ) Baskin: No, no. She's the cover. She's the cover. Koski: Everyone else is doing this. You wanted to see me? - But you've got... - Photograph from... All's well on the road to Damascus? Yes. Break really did me good. You sure? One month clean and sober. Miracles are possible, ma'am. All right, let's see if we can find some use for all this newfound zeal, shall we? Now, this Gore Vidal interview? Got the questions right here. Too soft. The boss wants his head on a platter. He doesn't like senile old poofs pontificating about the decline and fall of his favorite country. His wife's a Yank, remember? But Vidal's the real thing. He's a genius. - And? - And so, it's a hatchet job? You call it what you like. You get it right, it's the cover. All you have to do is string him up in the town square. Think you can handle that? No sweat. Oh, I almost forgot. I want you to fit in another quick little interview while you're out there. The most famous dwarf in the world. Man with the Golden Gun. Fantasy Island. You know, "The plane, the plane." I thought he was dead. Is he not? It's the 20th anniversary of the Bond movie. Funny little story, 500 words, "Where are they now?" I've got my hands full already with the Vidal thing. Can you not give it to someone else? - How about Casey? - He's refused. I refuse. I'm sorry, weren't you in the middle of thanking me for saving your ass? Yes, I was. Oh, and the dwarf piece? Make it funny. All expenses to L.A. Very nice. Well, it was only a matter of time. You're finally going up in the world. Oh, well, surely you mean down, in the case of the midget. Casey, will you be joining us for a drink later? Casey: Can't. Off first thing. One on one with Reagan, at the ranch in Santa Barbara. - Reagan? - Yeah. Wants to talk about what it was like running the world, or something. I can talk about what it was like for the world. ( men chuckle ) ( doorbell rings ) ( laughs ) Oh, hi. She's out. How's Jamie? He's fine. I've just put him down. I can literally see him. Danny, goodbye. Can you at least tell me where Katie is? ( sighs ) ( laughing ) ( laughter ) Tate: Hi. What are you doing here? Basically, you know, I was nowhere near the area, so, thought I'd pop in, say hello. Oh, and this is for you, by the way. I'm going to see you guys later. I was just about to buy everyone a round. I just came to tell you the good news. I'm back at work. And they're sending me to L.A. for a cover story. Can you believe that? And I'm going to do it brilliantly-- - And what? - ( car horn honks ) I'm doing it this time, just like I said I would. You're not hearing me. It's over! This time it's real. Look. I'm a month sober. Even if you were telling me the truth, which, by the way, how could I know, are you that fucking deluded that you think everything would suddenly be okay in a couple of weeks after what happened? After five years of your shit? Look, I'm trying! Kate, I'm fucking trying! I'm not coming back, Danny. Belvedere. Yeah, 10:00 tomorrow night. Precisely, 10:00. I understand. Let me know if anything changes. Oh, and will you please tell Mr. Vidal how excited I am to meet him? Thank you. Room service? Yeah, could you have someone come and clear all the alcohol out of my minibar, please? Thanks. ( sighs ) Herv: You recall the final scene in The Man with the Golden Gun, when Roger Moore, he stuff me in that suitcase? He fix my back really good. I couldn't walk for a week. He persuade the girls to carry me out by the hotel pool on a stretcher. Like Caesar, you know? - Just like Caesar. - Just like Caesar. Making The Man with the Golden Gun, happiest time of my life. Let me help you with that. Voil. ( chuckles ) ( grunts ) ( laughs ) Are you sure you won't join me? - A drink, at least. - No, thank you. I don't... You are wondering why I only taste things. That's what you were thinking, wasn't it? Yes, I was, as a matter of fact. What is that? It's because the damn doctors say so. My blood is sick at my age, with my condition, so I'm under the strictest instruction. If I were to eat a whole meal, I might drop dead right here. Now... now that would be a story. ( laughs ) Yeah, it certainly would. And smoking isn't a risk? A life without risks is not worth discussing. He make me the way he does. ( laughs ) But he offer compensation. To eat, to feel, to touch, to, oh, make love. ( laughs ) These are the purposes of my life. The day I cannot do these things is my last. So, I must fill every day with limitless possibility. - Yes? - Thank you. No, no! No, you are my guest. I insist. There you go. Oh, hello. Thank you. Well, thank you, Herv. That was brilliant. I mean, what? What? That's it? No more questions? I've got more than enough. Actually, I have another interview to get to tonight. Another interview? Tonight? Unfortunately, yeah. I'm already late. You know, I haven't given an interview in 10 years. But when your paper called, it has quite a reputation, you know? - Yeah, it does. - Which is why I so surprised. Why were you surprised? They didn't used to send the juniors. I'm not a junior. Oh, only a junior would have written the story before they got here. Nick Nack. Tattoo. Just a silly little moment, but I'm sure that's all someone of your stature - would be interested in. - ( laughs ) That's funny. But, you know, you should be very careful. In a few years I'm going to be editing that paper. No, you won't. You're right about one thing. You're not the reason they flew me out here. You're just the amuse-bouche. Sorry, sir, this one didn't go through. Your machine is broke. Well, Herv, I could sit and chat here all night, but got to get on with this other interview. I have a real story for you, Junior. A story that would be printed around the world. And this story will be the one that make your name. ( sighs ) Really? What if I tell you you have the final interview with Herv Villechaize? What? Ooh, I got you! ( laughs ) Fuck. I don't play sick games like that. - Did I get you? - ( sighs ) Herv, thank you so much. ( chuckles ) Brilliant. Good night. Goodbye... Junior. I need to get to the Belvedere in 10 minutes. - Can you help me? - Driver: You got it. I am so sorry to be late, Mr. Vidal. Had a bit of an emergency. Did someone die? I sincerely hope so. No. Long story short, it was a dwarf. Let me just start by saying how much I love your book. Mr. Tate, it was made clear to you that our interview was to begin precisely at 10:00, was it not? Yes. And you're aware it's now 23 minutes past? Yes, and I apologize. If you're incapable of accuracy with your time-keeping, why should I expect it from your reporting? Thank you, Saul. No. It's a mistake. Sir, it was my mistake, and I'm sorry. Please. Please, please, please. I have traveled such a long way to be here, sir. Please. So have I. Perhaps I can offer you a drink, sir. Don't be a cunt. His office is open at 10:00 a.m. He writes there until lunchtime. I will be there waiting for him to arrive. Look, I'm not going to leave until I get the interview, okay? I just need you to have my flight pushed back. ( Baskin on phone ) Don't tell me what you'll need. The old man's going to shit a brick. Then don't tell him until I've got everything sorted. Christ. You stay put. Don't do anything. Shit. You're not going to tell him? No, I'm going to fix it from here. Look, I promise I'll take care of it. You promised you wouldn't fuck it up. ( phone line disconnects ) Fuck! ( slams phone down ) Fuck! Room service? Yes, I called and asked very nicely for you to remove all the booze from my minibar, but it's still fucking here! ( spits ) ( turns water off ) ( breathing heavily ) Gentlemen, when it comes to having the last word in an argument, is it more important to your wife-- It isn't the kind of a face you'd forget in a hurry. No. Wait a minute. I know. In some magazine. The Atlantic, I think. ( dialogue on TV continues indistinct ) ( phone rings ) Hello? ( Herv on phone ) Housekeeping. - ( snickers ) - Who is this? Herv! - Herv? - ( laughing ) It's the middle of the fucking night. Your other interview is over, yes? So? So maybe we finish our interview now. We finished our interview. I'll meet you downstairs in five minutes. What? I promised you a great story, didn't I? ( phone line disconnects ) Unbe-fucking-lievable. Twat. ( tires screech ) ( laughing ) Are you out of your fucking mind? I thought I'd give you a little tour of Herv's L.A. ( laughs ) I thought you wanted to finish your interview. We do it as we go. ( grunts ) Scared? ( engine starts ) ( tires screech ) ( music playing ) This is how to travel, no? Danny, don't worry. I'm not going to kill you. Not yet, anyway. ( laughs ) So, how did the other interview go? Yeah. It was good. It's fine. Not so well. All right. What is this incredible story of yours, then? The one that's going to make my name? You tell me. You're the writer. Ask me a question. Listen, mate, tell me what you want to tell me, or you can drop me off right fucking here. ( laughs ) Good. Good. Good? Now I know you're paying attention. My mother always used to say I was Hitler's fault. As if he didn't have enough to answer for. - ( explosions ) - ( airplanes flying ) ( people shouting ) ( air raid siren droning ) ( screams ) So that's what she said caused it all? All this? You know, maybe it was the ambulance crash that make me into what I am, or maybe it is God's will. Who knows? You know, he has a sick sense of humor sometime. When did... when did you realize that you were...? A freak? ( singing "Happy Birthday" in French ) ( speaking French ) ( blowing ) ( cheers ) ( Andr laughs ) ( speaking French ) Bravo. Herv: Papa was a doctor. He was the first one who noticed it. ( speaking French ) Merci. Madame? Andr: Evelyne? Doctor: Madame Villechaize... ( gasps ) Herv: My papa tell me nothing is impossible. Huh? Bravo! He become obsessed with making me grow. ( bleats ) He tell me we must be willing to try anything, that a miracle is always possible. Oui. ( speaking French ) ( nurses and doctors murmur indistinctly ) ( sighs ) Hey. - Ca va. - Ca va. Hmm. Mm-hmm. ( laughs ) Hmm? How did you endure it? What do you mean? I mean, you went through hell for... for nothing. No, not for nothing. If we don't try everything, Papa will always wonder if somehow he can still make me better. If somehow he can still make me well. ( speaking French ) ( door opens ) ( speaking French ) ( speaking French ) ( stammers ) ( pills rattle ) ( swallows ) ( sighs ) Ah. Just what the doctor ordered. Oh, God. You know, I think in her own way, my mother was always in love with me. What on earth would make you think that? Because she is my mother. I know how she feel. I am a constant living reminder of the ambulance crash, of her own weakness. Okay. What did your father think of her behavior? He tell me, because of my condition, that I am lucky if I live past 25 year old. But I make it to 50. Maybe now he realize what a miracle I am. Miracle. ( hums ) You like? Brilliant. It looks exactly like you. Really, you are a great artist. That's fucking brilliant. Aww. Fly me to the moon And let me play among the stars Let me see what spring is like On Jupiter and Mars In other words Hold my hand In other words Darling, kiss me Fill my heart with song And let me sing forevermore You are all I long for - All I worship and adore - ( laughs ) In other words - Please be true - Herv: Eighteen years old, and I am Herv the conqueror! Sometimes, the curse of disproportion work in a man's favor. ( applause ) I finally understand what I must be: an artist. That I must find a way to enjoy every waking moment, whatever the cost. ( man speaking French ) ( speaking French ) ( speaking French ) ( both laugh ) ( grunts ) ( woman shouting in French ) - ( speaking French ) - ( Herv whimpers ) ( sniffles ) Ah, ah, shh, shh. ( speaking French ) ( sobs softly ) When the world realize you are a real person and not just an amusing sight, they get scared. Why is that, you think? Why would people be afraid of someone like me? I don't know. ( speaking French ) What is it? Our night is about to improve. Driver! ( rock music blaring ) ( grunts and chuckles ) - Ah, Herv! - Hey, how are you, man? - You good? - How's the wife and kids, huh? Perfect. Hi. ( rock music playing ) Yeah. ( women laughing ) Come on. Come on. How are you? Herv, I told you I don't drink. Huh. Who's going to know? It's just you and me. How long's it been? - What? - "What." Come on. Danny, we're friends now. You can tell me. Not that it's any of your fucking business, but it's been 32 days. Thirty-two days? That is all? ( clicks tongue ) Sounds bad. You think that sounds bad? That's actually really good. Who would count the days if it was good? Now that you've got my story, why don't we continue with yours? Herv: Okay. The night of the attack. It was decided that I must leave France. When you are a freak, you go where the freaks go. New York City is the only place I ever feel tall. ( bell dings ) ( gunshot on TV ) You want that gun? Pick it up. You want that gun? Pick it up. I wish you would. Herv: I wish you would. ( in French ) Herv: For two months, I sit and eat and watch John Wayne, Chuck Heston, Steve McQueen, Gilligan. All the greats. That's how I learned to speak English. ( man on TV ): That's earning money the hard way. Herv: I realize there is fantasy in everyone's living room. And I must be a part of it. This new world, the world of television. - And nobody run in here either, huh? - ( man grunts ) That's when I see who Herv Villechaize can become. An artist who everyone know. Like Dali. An artist who himself become a work of art. Why paint it when you can be it? So that's the moment you decided that you wanted to be famous? No! When I must be famous. Like you must be the editor. It is a calling. I can't tell you how proud we are to be part of this, Sydney. - No... - ( door opens ) Can you hold on a second? What is it? There's a little French guy in reception with a knife. A what? He says he wants to talk to you. I just need five minute of your time, Mr. Rothstein. Everything's fine, Melanie. How can I help you, Mr....? My name is Herv Villechaize. I am the best French actor of this generation. And I need the best agent of this generation to represent me. You are the best, no? Can you put the knife down, please? Tomorrow... and tomorrow... and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. ( inhales sharply ) Jesus fucking Christ. Herv: And that was that. I decided to become a movie star. Tate: You don't just decide to become a movie star. Herv: Just because a man is small doesn't mean he has to act it. James Bond. He saved my life. Nick Nack... pleasure to meet you. Sit down. Man: Watch them. And find your mark. Find your mark. See, this is what happens when people forget how lucky they are. ( indistinct arguing ) You don't never have to worry about me, Roger. Herv: It is then that I discover there is a divine cure for my condition. Tate: And by divine cure, you mean success? Herv: No. I mean success. ( crowd cheering ) ( audience laughing ) ( Herv whimpers onscreen ) Herv: Finally, I realize my mother is proud of me. Proud of her little man. ( all cheering ) Still, to this day, it is one of the greatest moment of my life. You know what I think? I think we worked well. I think we deserve a big, fat treat, on me. - Hi. - Uh-oh. I'm Destiny. - This is my friend Brianne. - Where's your phone? Herv: Danny, come on. Don't call your mother now, Danny. Hello, Destiny. Hello, Brianne. ( coin clatters ) Yeah, Room 1007? Yeah, Mr. Tate. Do I have any messages? Okay. Thanks. ( rock music playing ) Herv, I'm going home. We'll pick this up some other time. Don't let him leave. You Englishmen. You just don't know how to have a good time. I'm Irish, and I assure you we do. Can't you just sit down and relax? Champagne? No. Should I fly To Los Angeles? Find my asshole brother? Mickey Mouse Has grown up a cow Dave's on sale again We kissy kiss In the rearview We're so bored You're to blame Try to see it once my way Everything Zen Everything Zen I don't think so ( all cheering ) ( loud chattering ) - Yeah! - ( men cheering ) Hey, Dan. Danny, go and say hello. Go, go and say hello. Go... Can I talk to your friend? Thank you. Hello. All right, fun's over. All right... Oh, that's her boyfriend! ( inaudible ) ( crowd shouting ) Everything Zen Everything Zen Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! Get off me. Get off. Oh, Danny. Danny, come on. Oh, where are you going? You're an evil, little shit, you know that? I don't know you don't like whisky, Danny. Why don't you let me know? You knew exactly what you were doing. I just tried to help you relax. - ( laughs ) - I came here tonight to do an interview, not to be part of some crazy fucking game! Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I apologize for that, bringing you here, knowing your situation and everything. You don't know anything about my fucking situation! You're right. You're right. Let's finish the interview. Forget it. It's too late for that now anyway. - What? - I need sleep! And I've still got that other interview to do. I thought you do it already. Didn't you? No. I fucked it up because I was late, and you want to know why? It was because of you. You made me late. And if I don't get it sorted, I lose my job, okay? Why did you come out with me tonight then? I don't know. Maybe I thought that you'd be slightly more entertaining than watching reruns of Growing Pains. I don't think that's the real reason. Or maybe I thought this story could turn out to be special. But hey, I was wrong about that, too. Good night. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, I... I understand. The crazy dwarf, he make you late. And there you are. Oh, in the middle of the night, you know, far from home in some shitty hotel room. ( clicks tongue ) There is no one there to help you. You're about to lose your job. Just you alone, with the minibar. I mean, that's it, isn't it? You know? That's the real reason. driver: Buddy, let's go! Yeah. I'm going. Herv: No, no. Come on. You can't leave yet. Think about it. What's back at that shitty hotel except for more of the same? Why hate yourself when you can hate me instead? ( dance music playing ) Herv: Ah! I remember that day on set with Roger like it was yesterday. You can stop it with the fucking bullshit anecdotes you've been dining out on since the '70s. - Whoa. - Just-- Easy, Danny. Just tell me what it felt like. What? To be famous. To have made it. To finally be able to shove it down the throats of those fuckers who looked down on you for being different. Just tell me what it felt like. Being famous is like being drunk, except the whole world is drunk with you. But I didn't make it after the Bond movie, if that's what you're thinking. You were world-famous. Everybody knew Nick Nack. That's not the same thing as making it. You don't make it without money. Money, money, money, money. ( laughs ) You know, for four year after the Bond movie, I couldn't even find a job. ( applause on TV ) ( Merv Griffin on TV ) So, is it fair to say that you consider yourself a spokesperson for little people everywhere? No, not at all, Merv. I'm just an actor who's been incredibly fortunate. But as the chairman of the Little People of America, I feel it's important to play the correct role in society. To remind people life is different for us. Merv: Give us an example of how it's different. Billy Barty: It's funny you ask that, Merv. When I worked with Elvis on Roustabout, he asked me the same question. So, what kept you going? Was it self-belief? Determination? Or was it... was it just pure desperation? I mean, you had nothing to lose, nothing to go back to. No. It was God. God is the one that keep me going. You seriously believe in God? Yes. And I know he would never let me down. Well, some might say he already did. Yes, he make me this way, sure. But I know he offer fame as one of his little compensations. I know it. How could you possibly know that? Because I pray for a miracle. And it happen. ( knock on door ) ( music playing ) Hi. I'm Kathy. I'll be your dresser. You're going to be great. Oh, am I? I don't have audition in nearly two year. Oh, you already have this part. - How do you know? - Because I know. There's only one of you on this planet that we call Earth. And if the biggest producer on this planet, Aaron Spelling, says that you can do it, then you can. Trust me. Breathe with me. ( exhales ) That was good. You ready for your fitting now? ( Fantasy Island theme playing ) Herv: Imagine a beautiful island, somewhere between heaven and Earth, where every dream you ever had can come true. What do you want to be? A king? A queen? A warrior? A poet? A champion? Maybe you want to be loved by everybody. Or just somebody. Just tell me the life you really want to live, and Mr. Roarke and I will make it real. ( bell clanging ) The plane! The plane! ( girls giggling ) Tattoo. - Ah, Tattoo. - Hi, boss. Do you think I'll be able to sell my paintings to the new arrivals? Not now, Tattoo. Put your jacket on, please. It's time to greet our guests. Oh, now this I can get used to. Come along, Tattoo. Herv: It was one of the greatest on-screen partnership of all time. Positions, please, positions. And smiles, everyone. Smiles. Herv: Like Aaron Spelling use to say, Herv is the tiny mischievous Starsky. It's going to be a good week, Tattoo. Ricardo is the older, wiser Hutch. Wonderful. Tattoo, Tattoo, Tattoo. My name is Mr. Roarke, and I will be your host. Welcome to Fantasy Island. - Hear, hear! - Whoo! The show is a big, fat hit. ( women screaming ) My legend is born. ( excited chatter ) Down that way. - ( camera shutters clicking ) - ( indistinct shouting ) Hey! What's up, brother? Come here, bro. ( disco music playing ) The show is un succs norme. I make more money than I could ever dream. Thirty-five thousand bucks a week! Finally, I make it. For real. ( crowd cheers ) The world is mine. Tate: Sure, you could call it a miracle, but you could also just call it crazy dumb luck. It's the same thing, don't you see? Fantasy Island is my just reward. He have to make it up to me one way or another. Tate: But were you really proud of it? I mean, truly? I mean, you were a serious painter. An artist. A Dali-esque surrealist in the making. And here you are starring in this camp trash. Why are you always such a little bitch? ( laughs ) You've got that market cornered, my friend. Oh! You going to pay for that, Junior. Scoot, scoot, scoot. Come on, come on. ( tires screech ) ( car horns honk ) Tate: Herv! Whoo-hoo! ( Herv laughs ) What the fuck? Hello, Danny! Stop the stupid car, you little punk! - Herv! - ( cackling ) Jesus! Midget prick. ( grunts ) Fucking... ( Herv laughing ) ( sighs ) What the fuck? ( chuckles ) ( laughing ) It's not funny. This is fucked. Herv: Oh, I'm sorry. I buy you a new one. ( scoffs ) With what? One of your declined credit cards? Hey. Why don't we talk about this then, huh? The actress you met on set. What's her name, Camille? That's her name, right? I don't say her name. Ever. ( Fantasy Island theme playing ) Tattoo, Tattoo, Tattoo... ( laughs ) Roarke: My name is Mr. Roarke. I will be your host. Welcome to Fantasy Island. And cut. Print that one. You guys were great. I want you to find out everything you can about her. Who? Kathy: Her? Ricardo: Young, beautiful lady. Such a pleasure. Herv: Kathy, I want you to talk to her, please. Why? Well, she like me. She's just playing, that's all. Well, it's not a good sign when women are like that. Thank you so much. Herv: Tell her I want to meet her. Tell her I have the heart of a poet. ( chuckles ) - Thanks. - Enjoy. Herv: Come on. Please, Kathy. Come on. Camille: So sweet. I loved the hug and the kiss. It just, it felt right, you know? Hello. Hello. The greatest entrance in cinema history. Camille: I knew you'd come and say hi. I'm Camille. ( speaks French ) Oh, why, thank you. And now I pronounce you husband and wife. ( applause ) You may kiss the bride. I'm not much to look at Nothing to see I'm glad I'm living So lucky to be I got a man crazy for me All I want to do is take care of you. And our family. Yes. Our family. When I hurt his feelings - Once in a while - ( camera shutters click ) His only answer Is one little smile Tate: I mean, this looks like quite the Hollywood wedding. And look at you. You look so cute. Herv, you look so happy. My God. That's so sweet. So, Herv, did your outrageous, out-of-control womanizing have anything at all to do with why your wife divorced you? I am not a womanizer. I just love women. - All women. - Oh, my God. And no, because by the time I get married, I have it all under control. ( laughs ) You must think I was born yesterday. Arrtez! Stop the car! Tate: Where are you going? Herv, where--? Come on. - Hey... - I don't talk to you no more. Are you seriously asking me to believe that all your womanizing stopped once you married Camille? - Yes. - What kind of bullshit story are you trying to sell me, Herv? - I'm telling you the truth. - Of course you are. You want to believe those shit rags over me, be my guest. But I'm telling you for the last time, what they say about me and her isn't true. Ask me a question. What, so you can lie about that, too? ( groans ) Ask me! Fine, why did everyone say you became a nightmare the moment you got famous? Everyone? Who is everyone? Why don't we start with Ricardo Montalbn? Fantasy Island is a vehicle for Ricardo Montalbn. He is the star. But Tattoo steal his thunder. Huh? He jealous. Now that is the real story, Junior. Why on earth would he be jealous of you? Because this wretched little freak is almost as famous as he is. He eat at the best restaurants, he makes almost the same amount of money, he fuck more beautiful women, and this snob Montalbn, he can't stand it. Drive him crazy. A guy like Montalbn doesn't exactly strike me as the jealous type. You weren't there. You wouldn't know. He try to push my buttons so I explode. So I disappoint him. Woman: He's still in his trailer. Ah, Ricardo. I was going to give you a ride to set, but I realize I don't have any room. ( chuckles ) This is my fan mail. And this is my new fan. And I am so sorry, this is your fan mail. Good manners and charm, eh, Herv? And I wanted to thank you for taking out all my scenes today. The writers make all the final decisions, Herv. I merely suggest. You know that. You love to suggest, don't you? You're an incredibly talented actor with a marvelous sense of humor. Frankly, it's no wonder that you are so popular. But I must tell you that most of the letters in your bag... they're from me. I will see you on set. Let's not keep them waiting. ( giggles ) ( laughs ) I never had so much fun in my life. In my whole goddamn life. It didn't sound like fun for anyone else. All I know is that millions of people tune in to watch that show. It's not my fault they turn me into a god. ( Tate laughs ) A god? Really? Wow! It's incredible when you think about it. What's incredible? Fantasy Island gave you everything. Money. Fame. Women. - Everything. - So? So, even I couldn't have fucked that up so spectacularly. You think I fuck everything up? Of course you did. You're struggling for years, then you're handed this miracle of an opportunity. Continue. Please. And you just pissed it all away. ( music playing ) Look at some of these. I mean some of these just make great, great reading. "Drunk Dwarf Sex Scandal." "Strip Poker in a Hot Tub." I mean, this is genius. I wish I could've been there. That sounds like a fun night. Very nice. Now let's have a look at some of this stuff here. "Celebrity midget declares on-set sex clinic open. Appointments are free." ( chuckles ) Generous bastard. That is just so nice. I mean, most of this stuff would be true, right? You expect me to take that trash seriously? It is public record. What are you doing? Herv... don't do that. Herv, don't... Brilliant. ( power window whirring ) Now it's public record. So it's all true then. You know, you of all people should know what bullshit those stories are. Lies created to sell paper. Isn't that why you were sent here, Junior? To write a funny little story about a dwarf? Yes, that's right. I was. But then you insisted on telling me the "real" story. I mean, that's why I'm here, right? Herv: The real story? Okay, Junior. Coming right up. Tate: Oh, wait up. Herv, what are you doing? Herv? Hello? Hello? - Hello? - Herv, get back in the car. Shut up. It's fine. Don't worry. Herv, get back in the fucking car. Herv! Come back! Oh, fuck's sake. Herv, get out! Danny. Danny, come on. What are you doing? Get out. There's someone in there. Stay right where you are. I'm on the phone to 911. Marty, it's me, Herv. What the f...? Herv, what the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm sorry, Marty, but no one answer the door. We need to talk. It's important. It's the middle of the night! Come here. Come. This is my friend. He's a journalist from an English newspaper. He interview me for a very important story, and I need to talk to you, Marty. Jesus fucking Christ, Herv. I could've shot you. - ( sighs ) - Oh, relax, Marty. - Come on. - Fuck no. No. So, you're a reporter? For my sins. And you're-- you're doing a story about this guy? Yeah. You sure you're okay with this? I got nothing to hide. Tell him the truth about what happened with Montalbn. How he destroy my reputation. Marty: Yeah, sure. Montalbn went after you. That's true. Herv: See? See, I tell you. But do you remember why? Because I do. Oh, boy, do I ever. ( low murmuring ) Where is he? He says he doesn't have enough lines to say this week, and he suggests... What-- what does he suggest? That you let his stand-in do the episode instead? Let his stand-in do the episode? He wants his stand-in to do the episode. Well, if it's this beautiful 8-year-old girl... she is the better actor. A true artist would be here today to support his fellow artists and show respect for our writers! Fantasy Island is very important to me! Yeah, Mr. Montalbn, please... Out with that French homunculus! You get me Spelling on the phone right now! Please. Mm, yeah. He will not take our show down! We have worked too hard for this success! My apologies. This is not my nature. Let's take-- let's take 10. Herv: Everyone know I am the reason this show is a sensation! Herv... I'm sick of that dumbass Frito Bandito. Keep your voice down. You tell Aaron I want the same money as Ricardo. The same. You're being unreasonable. Oh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I am being unreasonable? Oh, excusez-moi. I, you know, because all I want is respect. And that means money! Look how much money they're making! Herv, you have money and respect. Then why do they treat me like a child? They are abusers! I know how challenging all of this can be, especially since you just got married. This has nothing to do with my marriage! This is business, Marty! You tell Aaron, Tattoo wants the same as Roarke. Trust me when I tell you that is a very bad idea. ( groans ) If you don't tell them, I will. Herv, you don't get it, do you? Listen to me. You will never get another show like this. Ever. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, believe me. Being on this show is like winning the lottery. Do you understand? Without me, there is no show. They nearly ran me out of the business because he was my client. Just because of that? No, because he was so fucking crazy. In 1981, he spent 150 grand on parties. Just crazy parties. We had to tell the IRS that he'd built the most expensive swimming pool in the history of Hollywood. You remember that, Herv? I was having a good time. Isn't that what a big star does? Marty: Yeah, great. Have a great time. But don't spend every single penny. I told you. I told you to put the money away. I did. I told him. But he refused. So I put some money aside for him anyway. But then he finds out about that, he freaks out, and he spends all of that too. Because you go behind my back. I was trying to help you. I was. I was trying to help him. See, see? This is what they're like in Hollywood when they try to help you. Tell him the truth, Marty. Tell him about all those kids I help. Yeah, you did. You did. More than I can count. - See? See? - But you didn't help yourself! Herv... I love you. But you just don't remember how bad it got. ( rock music playing ) Ooh, yeah ( roars ) - Herv. - Ooh! Hey, I know who you are, and I appreciate all your success. Don't take this the wrong way, but why don't you try and act with a little more class? Go fuck yourself. Come here! ( all gasp ) You son of a bitch! Come here! ( grunts ) Man: Okay, all right, that's enough. ( grunts ) Man: Herv. Herv: Ah, hello, Mr. Spelling. Jesus Christ. Mm. Herv, you and I need to talk. No, Aaron. Two minutes and I'll be ready. - You are three hours late. - Okay. You know. This is not how you behave on my set. Just relax, Aaron. You know? Relax. - Relax? - Take a vacation, huh? You have held us hostage for three hours. Hostage? Come on. Come on. No! Cannot take the fucking house, Marty! The house is mine, Marty! No, you tell them! No, no, you don't say no to me! I say no to you! You call Camille's lawyer and tell-- No, you do that, I fire the whole company! ( grunting ) - Herv, the network... - Out of my way, Aaron! ...is very concerned about your behavior. - I can't protect... - Later, Aaron! Drive the fucking car! My apologies, Ricardo. Herv: Why are we sitting here? Drive the fucking car! Drive right over here. I don't want to talk to that fucking banana. - ( car door slams ) - Let's go! Now! Ricardo: I understand this is a most difficult moment in your personal life. But we have a crew waiting. And this is not the first time you make them wait. Contrary to what you may think, I am your friend, and I understand your pain. ( laughs ) Although I hate the sin, I've been taught to love the sinner. So please listen to me very carefully. If you decide to leave now, your life will never be the same. And I promise you, you will regret it. So come, Tattoo. Let's welcome our guests. - ( car engine starts ) - ( grunts ) Thank you for trying, Ricardo. Perhaps there's another little man. Marty: That was the beginning of the end. He warned you. ( sighs ) Thank you for seeing me tonight, Marty. Don't mention it. I know it was hard for you all those years, and I want you to know I appreciate all your hard work. Okay. Next time, use the front door. ( door opens ) I'm sorry you had to go through that... Don't, don't. It must feel good to think that you are better than everyone else, hmm? - I don't. - At least I've had success. - You never will. - Oh, I see. You're just going to pick on me now because you're embarrassed. You know why people like you never succeed? It is because you don't have the balls to do it yourself. So much easier to sit on the sidelines judging, isn't it? I was right about what happened. About your role in it. You were to blame more than anyone else. That is the truth. Don't you lecture me about that. You know what I think? I think the reason you point the finger for a living is because you don't want anyone to see who you really are, that underneath all those words, you are nothing! But you don't fool me. No. I see you. Danny T-- ah, Danny Tate. This is a waste of fuckin' time. - Pull over. - Yeah. Who the fuck do you think you are to walk away from me? What did you ever do? You've done nothing! You've lived nothing! What gives you the right to judge, Junior? Nothing. But at least I'm willing to take responsibility for the shit that I've done. But you? No way. Not even now. Not even years fucking later. What a sad, pathetic, little freak you are. What? You still think I'm the one that fuck everything up? Look at you! Look at you! Thirty-two days sober. And now what is it? What is it? Two hour? Huh? Oh, you feel like a drink now? Huh? You made your fucking point. At least my life will be remembered. It will count for something. But you, you're nothing more than a footnote. ( pants ) You will be forgotten before I finish this sentence. Yeah? So why don't you just fucking kill me then? Huh? Go on! It'll make the perfect ending. You'd be doing us all a favor. I'm just one of the little people after all. What bloody difference would it make? But then no one's going to fucking read about it, are they? Do you think you're the only one who's had a tough life? Who's fucked things up and had trouble admitting it? You don't own that, you egotistical, entitled little prick! We all have! We're all fucking human! Fuck you! The truth is, you wanted to drag me down into the shit so that you'd feel better about the mess that you've made with your life. But it's not going to wash, mate. This real story of yours? It's not real. It's not even a fucking story. It's a-- it's a press release. Do you honestly think that that's going to be printed all over the world? Because let me tell you something. It's going to be lucky if it's a quarter of a page in the back next to the fucking recipes. ( laughs ) No one gives a fuck, Herv. No one cares. This real story of yours, it's a joke. Your life... is a joke. Finally. I see the real you. And I'm not your fucking Junior either. You're right. Of course I'm right. No, no. I mean it's not much of a story, is it? Who knows? Maybe having a knife pulled on you by a delusional celebrity dwarf is worth half a page on a slow news day. Okay. Okay, we go now. ( grunts ) I-I-- I'll take you home. Yeah. Take me home. About fuckin' time. But before we go... we make one last stop. ( laughs ) A stop? No. No more stops. Danny, what is a story without an ending? Herv, I just... I can't handle any more crazy. No more. No more. I promise. You promise? I promise. Welcome to Fantasy Island, Mr. Tate. Formidable, non? This is where we shoot the plane landing, right here. Do you want me to say it? Not particularly. The plane! The plane! What is it? This is where she was standing when I first saw her. Camille. You were right. It was me. I fuck everything up. Why? Why did you? I don't know. I just went crazy. There must have been a moment... a moment when... when you decided to blow everything up, when you could've made another choice, stopped yourself, when... when things could've turned out differently. I don't know. I never think about it. So think about it. What about you? What was your moment? Me? Christ, I don't know. For me, moments never stop. Camille! Camille! I have a restraining order here, Mr. Villechaize, ordering you off the property immediately. - I don't give a shit. - No need for unpleasantness. - Where is she, cockbag? - Hey, lookie here, short stuff. Fuck! - Herv? - Ah, Camille. Camille! Camille! ( grunting ) Camille, baby. Shit! Herv: Camille, baby, I love you! Camille! Camille! Herv: It was 15 months to the day after we got married. Where are you? Camille! I should've known she planned to do it. She planned to take away my whole life. - ( gunshots ) - ( groaning and screaming ) I so wanted her to love me. But did you love her? I don't know. I don't know. I thought I did. I thought if I could just make her love me, that everything would be all right. And I-I... ( no audio ) ...I would be all right. But I realize... you cannot make someone love you. Not if they don't want to. Not if they never did. ( Jack Barry on TV ) Goldie Hawn, you have $50. - ( audience applauds ) - Score: 150 to 50. And we'll find out who can keep playing, after this. - Hey, boss! - Hey, little fella. What can I get you? The chocolate! The chocolate! No, no, no, no, no. The cinnamon! The cinnamon! No, no, no. The plain! The plain! Herv: Eventually a man must realize, life don't depend on what he is able to do, only on what he is able to accept. Emcee: So let's have a warm GM welcome for our special guest. It's the midget with the heart of gold: Tattoo! - ( crowd cheering ) - Herby Velcheez! Man 1: Whoo! Ah, look at that! Man 2: Where's the plane? Man 3: Herv! - ( crowd shouting ) - Man 4: Say that thing you say! Man 5: Hey, Herv, over here, buddy! Hey! Back up! Get out of here! ( panting ) I am so sick of this shit, Kathy! - Like... - Kathy: Okay, baby, but try to calm down. I'm sick! I'm sick of... So we won't do it anymore. We're done. We won't do this shit anymore. Baby, what are you...? Fuck, what are you doing? ( gasps ) God! ( screams ) ( sobbing ) ( water falling ) Kathy. Herv: At the end of the day, I realize I am no different to anyone else. Addicted to a fantasy. The fantasy that something or someone will take away the pain of life. It is going to be a beautiful morning. Herv: When you go back? Tate: Maybe tomorrow. Or the day after. I don't know yet. Come see me tonight, at my hotel. Tonight? Yeah. I stay at the Sheraton in Universal. They fumigate my house. Allergic to the fumes. Please come. I don't have any more questions. Well, I don't have any more answers. But I have something for you. We'll see. It's been a long night. We all took a bet how long it would be before you were off the wagon. I haven't been drinking again, if that's what you think. It's all right, mate. You're far less boring that way. ( stammers ) What are you doing here? Baskin's got a job for me. What? Something about a hatchet job. ( scoffs ) You kidding? What'd you expect? So she fired me? I don't know. You'd better ask her. Oh, be a pal. Let her know I arrived safely, will you? Crowd: Danny! Danny! - Danny! Danny! - ( laughing ) - ( indistinct chatter ) - ( music throbbing ) Woman: Danny. Yeah. My girlfriend. ( dance music blaring ) - ( chuckles ) - ( moans ) ( laughs ) ( panting ) ( gasps ) ( cries ) ( phone line ringing ) ( Katie on phone ) Hello? Katie? ( sighs ) Danny, I told you not to-- No, don't hang up, Katie. Please, please. You don't have to say anything. I worked it out. Why I can't accept it. And I know there's nothing I can do to fix it. But I wanted you to know that... ( sniffles ) ...I know it's over. ( sighs ) I know. I know it is, and I'm sorry. Because you both deserve better. It's... it's really good... that you're saying all of this. That you're realizing... Danny? I'm still here. Shit. LAX, please. I have to make a quick stop. Give me a few minutes. - Hey. - Woman: Hey. It's Danny Tate for Herv Villechaize, 1702. Of course. Yes, there's a Mr. Tate here to see you? Oh, very good. Down the hall, elevator's to the left. Thank you. ( knock on door ) Hello? ( Herv groans ) Hello? It's you. Herv... ( gasps softly ) What is that? My stun gun. Fifteen thousand volts, you know. Just in case. In case of what? Ah. No, no, no. I have problem with my back, but, you know, I find a solution? Roger's with me always. You see? Huh? Want a Sprite? No, thank you. I don't have much time. Ah, well, it's late for these already. ( pills rattle ) What is all this? The children, they still write, even though they all grown up now. You know, they ask for things. They ask for, you know, autographs. Photos. Advice. - That's nice. - Yeah. So in the end you found her? The one? Kathy. Yes. She is my best friend. I'm sure lucky to find her. ( gasps softly ) She help me through the hardest years of my life and all my health problems. There is nothing I would do to hurt her. Is this your mother? Is she still alive? I don't know. I don't know. She... I don't see her since that night, the night of the premiere. I think I owe you the truth. ( crowd cheering ) ( music playing ) I hadn't seen my parents in over 10 year. ( speaks French ) ( gasps softly ) ( laughter ) ( Herv grunts onscreen ) ( laughter ) ( all cheer ) You know, I was thinking of giving these to the Television Academy. But I think it's better that you take them. Why? For your story. No, I couldn't. Please. Well, maybe one or two. No. All of them. I'm glad I stayed. Me, too. It's a long time since I so honest with someone. I don't feel so alone now. No, wait, before you go, we record this historic moment. Huh? Come on. Come on, Danny. Come on, come sit. ( laughs ) Put that down. ( camera whirs ) ( clicks and whirs ) ( elevator dings ) I cannot wait to read your article. Who knows, maybe it make me famous again. I can't promise anything. I fucked up that other job. I think they fired me. But you were right. It's a great story. You tell them... I regret nothing. Herv! Tattoo! Do it. - Do the thing. You know? - Ah, no, no, no. Come on. The plane! The plane! ( clapping ) ( sighs ) ( music playing ) Fly me to the moon And let me play Among the stars Let me see What spring is like On Jupiter and Mars In other words Hold my hand In other words Darling, kiss me Fill my heart with song And let me sing forevermore You are all I long for All I worship and adore In other words Please be true In other words I love you - ( gunshot ) - ( record scratches ) Herv? Herv? Herv? ( phone rings ) Hello? ( Marty on phone ) Yes, it's Marty Rothstein. I'm sorry I have to tell you this, but... What? ...Herv's gone. He killed himself. Jesus. It's a brilliant piece. Thank you. Two pages. Somewhere in the middle. What? Five hundred words, short and funny. That's what I asked for. Not this. Fine. I'll take it somewhere else. You can't. We commissioned it. We own it. - Then run it. - We are running it. On the cover! Two pages. Somewhere in the middle. But... please, you can't do that. Why? Because I promised him. You promised him. Why on earth would you do something stupid like that? Cheer up. Your little friend did you a favor. You've only got a job because he killed himself. It's a story. Now cut it down. - ( phone ringing ) - ( indistinct chatter ) ( typing ) ( voices arguing indistinctly ) Well, Tate's topped a midget. Where do we send him next? ( laughs ) Let's have a look at that rewrite then. At least let us treat you to a goodbye drink. ( grunts ) Fuck! Right, get back to work. ( music playing ) 'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony This life Trying to make ends meet You're a slave to the money Then you die I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down You know the one That takes you To the places where all the veins meet, yeah Oh No change, I can't change I can't change I can't change But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold But I'm a million different people From one day to the next I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no Have you ever been down? Oh, I can change, yeah I can change Oh, I can change Well, I never pray But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah I need to hear some sounds That recognize the pain in me, yeah I let the melody shine Let it cleanse my mind I feel free now But the airwaves are clean And there's nobody singing to me now Oh No change, I can't change I can't change I can't change But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold And I'm a million different people From one day to the next I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no Have you ever been down? Oh, I can change, yeah I can change, yeah Oh, I can change, yeah Have you ever been down? It's sex and violence Melody and silence It's just sex and violence Melody and silence I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down Melody and silence I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down Have you ever been down? It's sex and violence Melody and silence Have you ever been down? Just sex and violence Melody and silence Have you ever been down? Just sex and violence Melody and silence Have you ever been down? ( music playing ) |
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