Greece.
People come here from all over
to see the ancient ruins.
To bask in history.
To be a part of the birthplace
of civilization.
People reconnect with their souls.
They find their mojo.
In Greece, it's called kefi,
which means "passion, joy, spirit. "
Late!
Goodbye, Genaki.
In a week.
That window's stuck again.
-Bravo. Where is the rent?
-I left it on the trapesi.
Now, me, I love the beauty
and architecture of ancient Greece.
But living in modern Greece
can be a bit frustrating.
Sometimes things go fast.
Most times,
not so much.
I came here a year ago to teach
at Athens University.
Cutbacks left me without a job.
So now, for now,
I work at Pangloss Tours.
Georgia!
Oh, yeah. I've hit rock bottom.
Georgia. Again you cut out beach day.
They can go to the beach in any country.
On my tour,
I teach them about ancient architecture.
Nobody comes to Greece to learn.
Maria, I disagree.
-It's open.
-You didn't get the job.
Don't you read the evaluations?
"What do you think of Georgia
as tour director?"
"Average. Average. Average."
So I'm average.
Average is the lowest box you can check.
Do you think we have
something that says, "Stinks"?
And if we did, you'd be stinks.
-"I find your tour boring."
-My tourists are boring.
I think I've guided, like, 34 tours
and you give me the same tourists
over and over again.
Look! There they are.
The Tipsy Australians.
-The Obnoxious Americans.
-It's called "rip-off."
The Miserable Marriages.
The Disgusted-With-Men-
But-Still-Looking Divorcees.
-Stop!
-And, of course, The Old People.
-I don't see Mr. Funny.
-Who?
There's always one annoying guy
who thinks he's the life of the party.
Canadians. Polite Canadians.
-Can I have them?
-No.
They're in Group A. Nico's group.
Why does Nico always
get the good group?
His evaluations don't say, "Average."
God!
By the way,
Spiros eloped with that girl with no foot.
-Excellent.
-Why?
-I'm being sarcastic.
-You're not funny. Stop trying.
-Who's my driver? Not Themio.
-Relax. He's in jail.
You got the substitute. Procopi.
The creepy, hairy, creepy guy?
He's right behind me, isn't he?
-Does he speak English?
-I don't know if he speaks anything.
Maybe they caught a bear.
Taught it to drive.
So I have rules. You cannot speed,
you cannot smoke
and you cannot eat while driving.
Great, he doesn't speak English.
Don't forget to brush him.
-Maria! Maria!
-Nico! Nico!
Hey, thank you for my group, eh?
He bribes you for the good group?
-No.
-Yes.
That girl. That girl has no kefi.
What Greek does not have spirit, eh?
Maybe she's half Greek.
This was supposed to be temporary while
she looked for some big-shot teaching job.
And now no one will hire her
and I am stuck with her.
Hey, if I make her quit, can I have a raise?
I don't want to know about it. Yes.
-Group B! Group B, everyone.
-Hey!
Group B, hello, I'm Georgia.
Welcome to Greece. I'm your tour guide.
I'm Irv Giddeon,
and I've come here to see
as many ancient ruins as possible.
And judging from your husband,
the trip is already a success.
There you are! And, indeed, funny.
I'm killing me.
How many of you, like me, have come here
to fondle as many nude statues
as possible?
-Half the reason I came.
-Get your hand down.
Jeez. This is comedy.
The Greeks invented it.
It's like mustaches on women.
You know, we left Adelaide last night
with 17 pounds of frozen flake.
I'm giving it liquid yawns in the dunnies.
-It was a shocker, Barry.
-Yeah.
-Are they speaking words?
-Australians are the nicest people,
but you can only understand
about half of what they say.
...a bad case of the trots
of last night's tucker.
It's the last time I ate fish.
Excuse me. Is this Pangloss Tours?
Group B?
Sweet marble cake, she speaks American.
Come on, get it up now.
Okay.
-Okay, everybody, let's get on the bus.
-Oh, yes.
Okay, Group B, got your tickets?
Follow me.
Spooky.
Okay. Now make sure that your luggage
is tagged and the driver will stow it.
-Okay, you got me.
-Sorry.
-That's okay. Dr. Tullen?
-Oh, no, no. I'm Mr., that's...
I am Dr. Tullen.
And this is our daughter, Caitlin.
-Do smile, darling.
-I am.
Hey, big fellow, how many bells
have you got on the old dickory?
What the hell? What the hell is he saying?
Oh, wake up, Australia.
He wants to know what time it is.
-See, if it's...
-Here you go.
then that would make it...
Kimmy, what time is it back in the States?
-The right time.
-Good one, Kimmy.
Kim and AI Sawchuck. S-A-W-Chuck.
-Come on, Al. Come on, Big Al.
-AI Sawchuck. How are you?
-Okay. How are you?
-Let's go, Big Al.
Okay, there you go. There you go.
There's no smoking on the bus.
-I have a question.
-Yeah.
What's with the beekeeper?
My wife needs protection from the sun.
But we're not going to the sun.
That man is so rude. Make it stop.
Excuse me, ladies. Hey, there.
I'm Marc Mallard. IHOP.
That's the International House
of Pancakes.
Did one of you lose this?
Thank you, Marc. I must have dropped it.
It looks like a raspberry waffle.
-Or a tart.
-Or a tart.
Hi. I'm Lena Mara Angustias
Teresa Fernndez de la Vega Rodrguez.
And she's Lala Cruz.
-We're from Espaa.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-And we are both recently divorced.
-And off men.
Hi. I'm Marc Mallard. IHOP.
Hello. Georgia Yanokoupolis.
Pangloss Tours.
-I'll see you on the bus.
-Okay.
Group B? Yes. Names.
You don't speak English, do you?
And Maria gave you to me.
Luggage this way.
And then you get on the bus.
-Excuse me. I'm looking for the bus.
-Yeah.
-This is it.
-Group B?
-Oh, cool.
-Okay.
Hey, Gator Phillips.
-I'm from Florida, the States.
-You're traveling alone?
No way, man.
I'm gonna meet my girlfriend in Greece.
-We are in Greece.
-Now?
Right on. Thanks, man.
-Okay, here you go.
-Is this free?
Yeah.
Kalimera, everyone.
That's Greek for, "Good morning."
Hello, beautiful people. I am Nico.
For you, warm loucoumades.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Wrong bus.
-Hey, wait a minute...
-What the hell? Where's our donuts?
What a rip!
I'm gonna get... I could get you some later,
maybe. I'll look around.
-Yeah...
-We should get something.
Let's go.
I mean, who needs the carbs, right?
Not me. My ankles swell from the wheat.
Okay, you might want to write this down.
In 1834, Athens became
the capital of modern Greece.
Now, I'm not just a tour guide.
I am a professor of classical history.
Oh, great!
Are we gonna have a test now?
So I'm going to teach you
all about the architecture
and monuments of ancient Greece.
-Like the propylea.
-Which is the word for donuts.
-My name is Georgia.
-Louder, please.
-My name is Georgia.
-Yes, dear.
I'm Dorcas, Dorcas Wilmore.
And this is my husband, Barnaby.
Oh, I've got everyone a little souvenir.
-To remember our trip together.
-All right.
-Oh, you shouldn't have.
-This must have cost you a shitload.
Oh, no, it was nothing.
Hand those around, would you, dear?
Guide, this bus is really stuffy.
-My daughter, Caitlin, needs fresh air.
-Okay, no problem.
-Turn it off!
-Oh, my God!
Smells like death.
Sorry about that.
-Angie?
-It's Georgia.
Is the Sasquatch gonna be
with us the whole time?
-He's the driver.
-What's his name?
Right. Everyone,
please say hello to Procopi.
-Hey, Procopi.
-Hello, Procopi.
Oh, I'm sorry. He has a nickname
he'd rather be known by.
Poupi.
Did he just say, "Poop"?
Fair suck of the sav,
mate, I can't call you Poupi.
What's your last name?
It's Kakas.
They're laughing at your name.
So what? Laughing is good.
-Okay! Yeah.
-It's hot.
Come, come, come.
I love you beautiful people.
All right, everybody,
let's go this way. Come on.
Well, I have an exciting day planned.
But, first, listen.
Whenever we stop the bus, whether it be
for restrooms or lunch or for touring,
the driver or I will lock the bus. So you
can leave whatever you need in there.
Cameras, sweaters, handbags, anything.
-What about sweaters?
-Anything.
-Handbags?
-Yes.
Cameras, too?
Cameras, too.
Anything, anytime, anywhere.
-Anything.
-Come on, Barnaby. Come on.
We are now walking through
the tholos. Say it with me? Anyone?
Okay. The Greek word "agora "
means a place of gathering,
and in ancient times,
this was the heart of Athenian life.
Plato and Socrates taught philosophy here.
-She still talking?
-It's hot.
-Yes.
-Where can we get ice cream?
-Is there, like, a mini-mart around here?
-If you just...
I thought this was
the ancient supermarket.
-If you go back to...
-Come, come.
I have a surprise for you. Look. Hey!
Come, beautiful people. Who wants to be
Zeus and Athena? Please, please, come.
-Photo op here.
-Look, he's great.
-Come on.
-Hey, can we do that?
-I wish I was over there.
-That's cheesy.
-That's the good group.
-I want to take a listen.
There's a god with a camera. He's a very
clever god. He invented the camera.
All right, we're going to
the Temple of Hephaestus now. This way.
It's an exciting chapter in history.
Come on, everyone.
I'd rather get my picture taken
as Zeus over there.
It's this way. Come on.
I know it's hot.
The Temple of Hephaestus,
-built between 460 and 415...
-In the words of Big Kev, love...
-We're excited!
-We're excited!
-I'm not sure if they allow beer here.
-Okay, I'll finish it off.
-Okay. There's a trash can over there.
-At last some excitement.
Built between 460 and 415 B.C...
This place looks just like
our Washington, D.C. IHOP.
-No, actually, I'm sure it doesn't.
-Hey, Ange, hey, Ange! Ange!
Al and his crew could have
this place fixed up in a couple of minutes.
Dry wall, new roof, walk-in closets.
-Flip that house!
-Flip that house!
That's a joke. I'm sure that's a joke,
because making it new
would not make it more beautiful.
The point is, it's ancient.
It's ancient. I mean, look at it.
Isn't it magnificent?
Come this way, beautiful people.
Nico puts the gloss into Pangloss. Yes?
Now come around. Please, come around.
Thank you.
So come around, please.
That's the temple there.
-It's very nice, yes?
-Yes.
Enough culture. Now, souvenirs, yes?
Who wants that temple made of soap?
-Temple on a rope, yeah?
-Me, please.
No, no, that's not authentic.
-You don't want that.
-We like those.
Hey, Group B.
You want to come shopping with Nico?
Nico, what are you doing?
No, Group B, you're with me.
I've an hour of shopping
scheduled on Day 4.
-This way, hon.
-We got everything, my friend.
Come this way, follow the pretty ladies.
Hey, beautiful ladies!
Meet back at the bus in 40 minutes.
Standing in the middle
of culture and history,
and they want a 50-50 poly-cotton blend
T-shirt with a picture of a Trojan horse.
Why am I spending my life
showing tourists
gorgeous ancient ruins
they care nothing about?
And Pangloss Tours pays lousy.
They book the worst hotel rooms.
I don't have any friends here.
I actually don't know anybody.
Really, I haven't had sex in forever.
-Forever is a long time.
-Yeah.
-You speak English.
-Yes.
I do, too.
That's great. Anybody else?
Excellent. Excuse me. Nice to meet you.
Excuse me. Bye.
-You must think I'm crazy.
-Yes.
Fair enough. Why would you not tell me?
I thought you needed to talk.
I have 3 sisters. So talk.
Do you ever question
what you're doing with your life?
-No.
-What?
-Talk more about the no sex.
-I'm good, thanks.
You don't question? Come on,
Greece is the land of philosophers.
Yes. But that is their job.
My job is to drive the bus.
You know, it pays better.
Come on. You don't have a life plan?
-How do you plan life?
-What?
Come on.
We'll get some coffee and you can talk.
What? We're working.
Everyone should take the time for a coffee.
That is the typical Greek mentality.
Woman. Where's your kefi?
-I have kefi. I have lots of kefi.
-No.
-No, you don't. No.
-Yes, I do.
That's why you're so uptight and skinny.
Skinny?
Look, we're late, so no coffee. Hey.
Everybody in Nico's group
has nice vacation.
You want to have relation with me?
What's that postcard there?
Which one? Which side
do you want? The one up above or this one?
Oh, that's nice. Good.
Group B!
Group B!
Gather up, Group B.
Well, we're a little behind schedule.
A lot. So...
I picked up something
that we can eat on the bus.
And it is a special treat.
-What is that?
-It's souvlaki.
-It's meat on a stick.
-What kind of meat is that?
It looks like poodle.
-That's not right.
-It's not poodle.
Hey. Hey, come to the Hard Rock Cafe.
It's very Greek.
-Dude, Hard Rock!
-Come! Come on.
Chicken fingers and French fries!
No, no.
I have souvlaki.
Why would you want to... That...
I have souvlaki.
Why would you want to... That...
Yeah. Get a Greek salad.
Hard Rock.
Doesn't sound very Greek to me.
-Hi, it's Caitlin, right? Having fun?
-No.
-Well, what are you listening to?
-Nothing.
-When are we going to the beach?
-That's not on my itinerary.
Of course not. This sucks.
Sorry about that.
My daughter's chronically unhappy.
It's not her fault. It's a genetic thing.
Hansdorf syndrome.
Mr. Tullen, I'm so sorry.
Okay, let's learn some more Greek.
Kalispera, kalispera, everyone.
That's Greek for, "Good evening."
Can you say it with me?
Wow. Are you sure you're not Greek?
Hey, Georgia.
I'm sorry. I got sunblock in my eye.
Do you have any drops?
I do.
This way, please. Beautiful people.
Ladies and gentlemen, this way, please.
What is this place?
Hey, hey, hey, Georgia, Georgia.
-You're staying there?
-Aren't you?
No way! Great hotel. Best chain in Greece.
This way, please, Canadians.
Everybody got your luggage?
Wow. What a dump.
Only about 3 at a time are
gonna fit in this elevator.
Oh, Al, honey. We gotta get to the room.
I'm ovulating. Like, now.
Kimmy, you know I can't perform
on command like that. That's not natural.
Get into them. It's duck's guts.
Crack open a tinny, love. After all
that yakking, you must be bloody thirsty.
Actually, I'm a lightweight.
One drink and I'm looking
for a bellman to make out with.
-That was a joke.
-You're not funny.
I've heard.
Just a converter?
Yeah, that's no problem at all.
Okay, I can get you water,
and do you need anything?
Here we go. Okay.
Come on, Barnaby. That's right. In you go.
There you go.
Your elevator is broken.
Anthony Quinn.
We have to take the stairs.
-Why?
-Because it's Greece.
In the movie Zorba the Greek, the scene
where Alan Bates and Anthony Quinn
have just lost all their life savings.
What do they do? They dance.
That's the way this whole country works.
Or doesn't.
If the shower doesn't work...
I'm sorry.
...they dance.
Or you want a little privacy,
they dance.
I'm very sorry. I'm very sorry.
Not that sorry.
Or, God forbid, the toilet breaks...
Oh, flapjacks.
...you get the Greek philosophy.
"Relax, pee outside.
"Maybe it is your destiny
to write a poem about the sky."
And then they dance.
You know, Greece was
a happening place 2,500 years ago.
It was the birthplace of art
and democracy and philosophy.
And then they discovered the nap.
This country's disregard for rules
and order is just sloppy.
What is with this hair? Is it a full moon?
You know, you've all just got to get
your act together and stop dancing.
Where's my fleabag of a room?
It's fixed.
Yeah.
Now what?
-Maria!
-Georgia, darling.
I'm up to my ears in work here.
Greece has
the most beautiful accommodation.
Like, first-class hotels with, like,
your own swimming pool in your room.
How do you find these crappy joints?
Lucky I find somewhere.
Yeah, you try finding a hotel
on the budget.
Maria...
Dear Maria,
you are my only friend in Greece.
And you bite the big one.
After this tour,
I quit.
Love, Georgia.
Breakfast is on negative one,
down one floor.
Oh, cool.
Would you please mail this for me?
Certified.
-I am on my coffee break.
-Of course. Look, I have to go.
-11 euros.
-What? That's like $20.
You know, there are other ways to pay.
Does that ever work?
How many women have
actually slept with you for postage?
I'll just pay.
So we have here a beautiful church.
It's very Greek.
But you have ice creams, so we skip. Yes?
-Yeah.
-Okay, souvenirs, yes?
-Yeah!
-You like the vacation so far?
...rocks cut in the Byzantine era.
There are references to this church
in a very old document
called the Praktikon of Athens.
Take a glance and look around
at some of the murals.
The oldest parts of St. Marina's date back
to the 11th to 12th century B.C.
Anybody else want a pamphlet?
Anybody? Want a pamphlet?
Yes. Of course not.
Kimmy, do you see what I see?
That would be a great place for snacks
in the rec room.
-Do you think it's for sale?
-Everything's got its price.
Let's go find that preacher.
I think they call him a rabbi here.
We have to have photographs
so people will believe we were here.
Who won't believe we were here?
Well, Donald and Peggy for a start. What?
Why don't you all get in there?
Oh, that's very good of you.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
He's going to take
our photograph.
Okay, here we go.
Sorry, how high are you going?
I'm going to keep counting
until the kid cracks a smile.
Forgot where I left off. Gotta start again.
Just take the picture, you idiot.
There you go, kiddo.
Oh, my God!
Georgia!
Hey, Poupi, if anybody's looking...
When did you shave?
-Never mind. I'm not here, okay? I'm just...
-Georgia. Georgia.
I cannot put up with that twit any longer.
-Why not? I have to.
-Now you're being rude.
Yes, fine, I'm rude and boring
and not funny. Yes, I know!
If you keep that tone with me,
I shall be forced to call your superiors.
Okay, you know what?
If you have a grievance, use these.
-Your evaluation forms. Take one.
-Don't think I won't.
I usually hand these out
at the end of the trip.
But this will give you 4 more days
to complain about me.
Hey, hand them out to everybody.
What's Greek for "bipolar"?
Hey. Enough. Your jokes aren't funny.
You know, my wife and I have
taken tours for 20 years.
This one, gotta be the worst.
Here we go again. Yeah, yeah,
-I know, yeah, I stink, I wrecked Greece.
-It's the worst because my wife is not here.
-And it's just not the same.
-Well, you know what? If I were her,
I wouldn't be here with you, either.
I'm sure she's spending her vacation
somewhere...
I'm so sorry.
You know what?
I think we should just go shopping.
-Lovely. Just what we wanted, wasn't it?
-Okay.
-Nice bit of shopping.
-I can finish this later.
-I know a good place for shopping.
-Fine.
Look at this stuff.
No, no, no.
Peekaboo!
Do you like the gold?
I love that.
She doesn't have any arms so she makes
up for it by showing her breasts, honey.
Really?
Eat hearty, men.
-For tonight we dine in Greece!
-In Greece!
-What was his name?
-Who?
When it's over,
some women cut their hair.
Some women run away to Greece. So...
I did not move to Greece
because of some man.
-Why? Who'd you shave for?
-Georgia!
Georgia, come here,
come here, come here!
I don't think I like
what's going on around here.
Georgia! We need you. Just, real...
We need you!
-Okay.
-What did you call my wife?
What's going on? What's going on?
Look, this guy here is charging everybody
else one price for the dingle nut
and he's charging me and my wife
It's just cultural interaction.
He offers you a price and then
he expects you to offer him a price back.
You know, it's just... It's called bargaining.
-It's called "rip-off."
-Thank you very much.
-What did he just call me?
-No, no, no. He wants me to translate.
You fat tourists.
My tourist friends.
I could give you idiots
authentic Greek items made
by my grandmother.
He could give you handmade authentic
items made by his grandmother.
But you dummies
want this cheap crap.
You have good taste.
This junk is made in Korea.
Things are made in Corinth.
By prisoners.
By friends.
For you, I'll double the price.
I can make you a good price.
Yeah, that's what we want
right there, fellow.
And to your guide, a kickback.
What?
Kick back and enjoy your stay.
-Okay?
-Okay.
How much do you want for it?
-Is that good?
-Yeah, now that sounds more reasonable.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Okay. Okay.
-Nobody touches Big Al's hottie.
-Thank you.
-Dirty greaseball.
-Bye.
How much are these?
Oh, good heavens. They're far too
expensive. Can't possibly afford that.
Oh, yeah, we're getting checked out, dude.
-Really?
-Yeah, the Spanish divorcees.
It's only a matter of time before
they start coming around. Hello.
-Dude, behind you.
-What?
They're checking out
the community shower thing.
It's like 4th of July
at Elton John's house.
Okay. They want a show?
Let's show the Spaniards
a little American showmanship.
It doesn't count
if you're on vacation, right?
What is it with tourists and ice cream?
They had some this morning,
then again after lunch,
and now again with the $4 cones.
I don't get it. You, too?
-No, thank you.
-This for you to give to him.
Okay, fine.
I sort of got you this.
Thanks, but no thanks.
That is tasty.
I'm sorry about this morning.
You know, I was a much nicer guy
when my wife was alive.
She died 3 years ago.
She used to say to me,
"They don't know you're kidding, Irv."
She would say, "You're not as funny
as you think you are," just like you.
It's nice you had a good marriage.
We fought every day.
I took her to Egypt. We fought all day
about whether the pyramids
were "majestic" or "magnificent."
It was magic.
I woke up every day smiling.
-I could live with that.
-You got the potential.
All you gotta do is let it happen.
You know, relax. Open up.
-I'm open.
-You're open? Look at you.
You're as tight as my Aunt Gladys' ass.
-Hey.
-Open up. Open.
-Be alert. Be like...
-Like this. Like this?
Okay. I'm open, yay!
Oh, no, no!
Come on, Irv, look what you made me do.
-Okay, that's a keeper.
-Okay. So here's what we do.
You get some kerosene.
You pour it on the stain.
-Yeah.
-Keep it there for about an hour.
And then you light that sucker on fire
and buy something nice.
And then you light that sucker on fire
and buy something nice.
All right. I have to gather the group.
-We're good?
-We're better.
Okay.
Group B! Group B, everybody.
Everybody. I hope everyone enjoyed their
ice cream. I ate some. I'm wearing some.
Let's get on the bus and sweat it off.
Has anybody seen Dorcas? Anybody?
All right. We'll wait for her.
I'd like to apologize for
my unprofessional attitude this morning.
Have you ever had one of those days?
Actually, it's been about a year.
-Yes, Irv.
-Me, too.
I would like to apologize to everybody.
It was my medication.
I take Preparation H, 'cause I'm an asshole.
Wait for me. Thank you, Georgie.
I'm the last one. Okay, Poupi, let's go.
I'm spent!
I got these for you, girls.
-It's too much.
-No. They cost nothing.
Drive, Poupi, drive!
Hey! Who's seen the Olympics on TV?
Well, we're going to Olympia,
the site of the very first Olympics.
The ancient games began in 776 B.C.
Now, all through the era of the Pisatans...
Flapjack, you want to race me
Michael Johnson style?
...the Olympic games took place
every 5 years.
Here's something interesting.
Until they were abolished
from 393 until 426 A.D.
And then in 1896...
Well, that's about the year
I started to stink.
I know every fact and every figure
about this place.
I mean, I love it here.
And they just want to have fun.
And I get it,
but I don't know how to make this job fun.
Well, if you call it a job, it ain't fun.
I mean, look at porn stars. They get to
schtup all day. They should be happy.
You never hear about a happy porn star.
I had the best job in the whole world.
You were a porn star?
-No, really, were you?
-I was an ice-cream taster.
-Get out.
-35 years.
-I wish I had that job.
-That's what my friends used to say.
But then Elinor got sick.
I had to take care of her and...
She always wanted to come to Greece.
Hey. Yesterday, I quit. This is my last tour.
Well, it's my last tour, too.
Georgie! How did these columns fall over?
Well, there were 2 earthquakes
in the 5th and 6th century...
The columns fell over from the incredible
pull of Ulysses' love.
Isn't that sweet?
-Better.
-Better?
Looks like a short stack fell over.
Come on, Barnaby.
Hey, does everybody know
about the Olympic torch?
This way. Come on, this way.
Okay. That flame that you saw
being passed around the world
is first lit by a reflection from the sun.
All right, now, this is the palestra.
This is where the athletes would wrestle.
What?
Do you need anything?
Medicine or anything at all?
Doing okay? Hey!
-You really are listening to nothing.
-The battery died.
We forgot the charger.
This trip sucks.
Caitlin?
It's okay. And I understand.
-What is it you understand?
-Oh, well...
-The genetic thing.
-What thing?
Sorry, your husband told me
about the thing
that makes your daughter prickly.
Hansdorf syndrome.
Hansdorf is my maiden name.
That's a coincidence.
Stuart.
How dare you insult me
in front of that woman?
It was a joke, dear. Good heavens!
-How could you possibly say...
-Why don't you just lighten up?
Beautiful ladies,
don't forget to smash the plates.
-Yeah?
-Very Greek.
Everybody. Everybody.
The newspaper says
it's gonna rain tomorrow.
And the good part is?
If we all think good thoughts,
maybe we'll get some nice weather.
Are you listening, God?
You don't have to shout,
I'm sitting right here.
Blue skies shining on me
No!
-Here you go.
-Come on!
No, no, no!
I'm ever so sorry,
but that Nico said it was a Greek tradition.
-It's okay.
-Okay.
Kimmy, stop doing the dishes
and get over here.
Sue, bung your Khy Pass over here,
have a crack at the foosball.
-10 euros.
-Don't worry. Leave it to me.
I say, that was ever such fun.
We did enjoy it. You are wonderful.
Hello. Hello, lovely lady. Thank you.
Silly twit.
Dorcas, here's the deal.
You gotta stop with the stealing.
-I'm sorry.
-Okay. Okay.
Okay. You're a lovely woman.
I really don't mean to judge in any way.
It's just that people are going to
start to notice...
That's my cell phone.
And somehow, you got it out of here.
I just want to ask... Wow! You're good.
Actually, it was only 10.
Well, waste not, want not, is what I say.
All right.
Nothing but blue skies
from now on
I wish I could be happy like you.
God, you've gotta get more sex.
-Irv...
-I'm sorry, but what is it with you?
Don't you have a boyfriend?
I'm on a tour bus, like,
Well, you gotta get in touch
with your wild thing.
I think we can get in here
and just touch on everything...
Actually, there's someone
I'm kind of interested in.
At the bar.
-Yes.
-Really?
Go for it.
Just make sure it's zoned for a parking lot.
I like daisies.
I'll call you back.
So do I.
So you work at an IHOP?
So you work at an IHOP?
Yeah, well, I mean, that makes it sound
like I'm a waiter, you know.
I'm the number one
corporate representative for IHOP.
I sold 100 franchises last year.
We're expanding Ohio,
if you're looking for an investment.
How do we say, "Cheers"?
We say, "ya mas, to our health."
So what do you do for fun?
For fun?
Syrup.
I collect vintage syrups.
Yeah. Some people are
into art or wines, you know.
I'm into vintage syrups.
Not too old. When you say "vintage,"
you think, "Oh, my God,
the guy's drinking syrup from 1912."
No. The oldest I have is 1948.
So it's post-war, but it's still really special.
I mean, it's still edible. You can pote it.
It's potent, potable? Potable?
I never watch Jeopardy!
Anyway, so the thing that
I like about syrup is it's sweet,
no matter how bad your day is.
...a German waffle,
but there's also a French crepe.
I mean, we had to have
a whole meeting in Iowa,
because the waitresses
were calling them "craps."
And no one wants to eat crap
so much anymore.
Sometimes in Mississippi.
But usually you find that
people don't want to have
a food that's not appetizingly named,
you know.
That's why I love any kind
of an international flair.
Swedish crepes. It just automatically
sounds better. It's exotic.
My favorite, though, natural.
Pecans, coconut, which is so, so good.
It's very, very fattening, and... Not that
I have anything against fat people.
Fat people are our biggest demographic.
I bought 2 houses in Florida
off of fat people. God bless them.
-Good morning.
-Good morning. Hi. Good morning.
Georgia. Did I see you on a date last night?
-How was it?
-Well, I now know the history of syrup.
Hey, that was fun last night.
-Maple trees rock.
-Yeah, they do.
Please, to the left here,
thank you very much.
I see you enjoy Greece, eh?
-Yeah.
-Yeah? For you.
Thanks!
Hey, listen, I can't buy for everybody, so...
-Yeah. What does it say?
-"I love Greece."
I do, bro! Awesome! Thank you, man!
-Let me help you.
-Pardon?
I'm just helping you.
-Louder, please.
-I'm just helping you.
-No! I can manage. Really.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
-All right.
Your group. Losers.
"What? What?"
"So hot. So hot."
"How much is this? How much is that?"
Hello, everybody.
Hey!
Don't diss my group. They're nice people.
It's so cold in here.
That's everyone. Except the Americans.
Al, just think. This course
could be thousands of years old.
Well, I wonder if Jesus ever played here.
Big Al. Kim.
You know how you like to get up
in front of everybody and bore us?
Please go on.
I have a very exciting idea.
Why don't you try entertaining everybody?
Irv, how am I gonna do that?
History has got a lot of dirty stories.
Sex sells.
Well, it turned out to be
a beautiful day.
Thanks for the nice weather, Irv.
Good on you, Irv.
I thought you were joking last night.
You got some power, fellow.
Irv, do you think you could bless Barnaby?
Maybe he'd move a bit faster.
I bless you in the name of Socrates,
Hippocrates and feta cheese.
Hallelujah.
This is appropriate,
because we're headed to Delphi,
which is the most mystical spot
in all of Greece.
In ancient times, the oracle of Delphi
would answer questions
for kings and commoners, like,
"Who should I vote for?"
Or other stuff.
Like, "Shall I take a lover?"
-Hey, look out.
-Hello.
That's what we're talking about.
-Now, the oracle was a virgin.
-Here we go.
And she was dressed in flowing gowns
of sheer silk.
Some say she wore nothing at all.
Hey, I like that.
Oh, my.
And then she would inhale
the sacred vapors.
-Louder, please.
-And she would go into raptures.
-Louder.
-She would say, "Oh, Zeus, take my body.
"Oh, Zeus, fill me with your wisdom.
"Oh, Zeus, my body is your vessel.
"Take me! Take me! Take me! "
Poupi!
-Caitlin, are you all right?
-I dropped my phone.
-Everybody all right?
-Yeah.
Alive! Alive! Please, alive, everybody.
Okay. Okay.
Everybody, let's get off the bus, okay?
Everybody.
Okay, it's gonna be
about 20 more minutes.
Irv, Olga, Svetlana? You okay?
You're alive.
-Is everybody okay?
-Everybody's fine.
Everybody's fine,
and we got a good story out of it.
You know, this whole thing happened
'cause he was staring at you, Angie.
-Who?
-Poupi. Up there.
Creepy driver, checking out the goats.
Angie, everyone on the bus
has a different word for it.
I call it "mysterious."
Personally, I think he shaved his neck
just for you.
-What?
-He's a nice guy, go talk to him.
Yeah, he's quiet, but he's nice.
Fine. Yeah, sometimes he's nice,
but mostly he just makes me mad.
Hot, not mad.
It's been so long, you forgot the difference.
-Okay. Smile, he feels terrible.
-Come on.
He's the one not wearing the bell.
-Work it.
-Kimmy.
Sorry about your bus.
You distracted me.
I could have killed you. All of us.
-I was just trying to have fun.
-Oh, well...
That's good, I guess.
The first day,
you asked me if I wonder
what I'm doing with my life. Right?
-Yeah.
-Maybe I can explain.
What do you call that guy?
He goes in front of people
and waves his dick around.
We called him Uncle Phil.
What? No. No.
He's in front of the people
who play the music.
Stick! That's a conductor.
Right. Right. A conductor. He comes out.
-He waves his stick.
-His stick.
And people get to hear
the most beautiful sounds in the world.
He hears the music up close.
He feels it in his bones.
And that's what my job is like. I sit there.
I turn the wheel this way. Turn that way.
And before me comes this great vision.
Always beautiful.
The scenery
is frozen.
Frozen music.
And you know what I like?
You got the best seat in the house.
Yes.
Thank you.
I like your passion for our history.
But you are too busy looking up.
Look here.
I know, I'm touching your chests.
Good.
What happened with the pancake man
last night?
Nothing.
Good.
Yeah!
You can do it. Come on.
Take deep breaths of
the healing powers of Delphi.
Better than my workout at Curves.
-Trick or treat?
-It's quite good, actually.
-Come on.
-Georgia,
it's beautiful, but, come on,
so is an escalator.
This is a very spiritual place.
You can actually feel the energy
coming from the ground.
Do you feel it? This is the temple of Apollo
and the sanctuary of the oracle.
Come on, Barnaby.
Now, the Pythia, or the oracle,
was hidden from everyone
except for the high priest.
And she would crouch behind him,
she was hidden,
and she would answer questions.
Like, she would go,
"The oracle is in. Any questions?"
Wasn't she a virgin?
-How's that?
-Yeah.
Then maybe you better do it.
Yeah, go on Irv. You go in there.
You can't spell virgin without I-R-V.
All right, the oracle is open.
-Anybody got a question?
-Yes.
Are my legs good enough for a miniskirt?
Hubba-hubba.
I've got a serious question.
Am I ever gonna get
cell reception up here?
Turn the damn phone off.
This is a vacation.
-I know that. All right.
-Guys.
She's got one. Yeah.
Why did my husband cheat on me?
It wasn't you he cheated.
Some men cheat themselves
out of living a life with a woman they love.
Thank you.
Okay.
I've always wanted to start a family, but...
Well, Big Al is
just gonna come out and say it.
I'm scared.
Being a parent is the best thing
in the world.
And I guarantee you,
you're gonna be a great dad.
-See?
-Thanks, Irv.
Irvacle. What is it? Orvacle.
Well, go on, Caitlin, ask a question.
-Go on. Go on.
-No.
Will my daughter ever stop sulking?
Will my parents ever stop fighting?
Parents sometimes forget
that they're an example.
Thank you.
Look, basically,
I gotta take a Johnny Riddle.
Siph the pyth.
-Where's the gents'?
-Yeah.
-The men's room.
-Yeah. God.
It's right up there. Oracle closed.
Yay! Good job.
I got a bar. I got a bar! I lost it.
Hi, Oracle.
I can't start something when
I'm about to leave this country. Right?
-I mean, it's...
-What are you doing?
I'm looking for something.
-What?
-My dignity.
-Georgia.
-What?
You're looking for obstacles
rather than looking for magic.
-This place is great.
-I felt a vibe.
I'm so happy to hear that.
Barnaby, do come on.
Oh, my God!
Barnaby!
-What?
-Barnaby!
What? What?
He hasn't got his walker.
It's the healing powers of Delphi.
No, it was Irv.
You heard him bless Barnaby on the bus.
He's a miracle worker.
Maybe he's a god of Delphi.
I'm not a god.
That's just a rumor my mother started.
-Okay.
-To the bus!
-To the bus!
-Irvinator.
Sexy! Very nice.
-Let's go again!
-Again! Again!
I've never even seen
this kind of alcohol before!
-You look beautiful!
-Thank you.
-Is it new?
-No, I had it.
Do I have a tag? Anywhere?
-No.
-Okay.
Poupi?
You ever kill a man?
-He nodded.
-He didn't nod!
-I saw him nod.
-Look, a nod is that.
-That's $700.
-He didn't... No. Bet's off.
No, I saw him nod.
You looking for somebody?
No.
Really? Me, neither.
Irv, don't you think everyone in the group
seems healthier and alive?
-Yes, I do.
-It's Delphi.
Or maybe you're God?
-Georgia.
-Yeah?
I haven't made a number 2
since Chicago.
If I was God, I would fix that first.
Okay, maybe you're not the God,
but maybe you're a Greek god.
Like Zeus or Apollo.
-That's true.
-Yeah.
-No, no. No, I'm Zeus.
-I knew it.
I'm Zeus.
I'm casting a spell on you and Poupi.
-Irv, you know what? I can't.
-That's it.
-Where are you going?
-I'm going to bed.
But the guy that you're not looking for
went that way.
-Okay.
-Georgia.
What?
I think you have a bigger problem.
Yeah, Greece!
Hey, Gator!
Hey! Georgia!
Georgia, I've been kicking
these guys' asses!
-Asses!
-Asses.
Hey, where'd you get this shirt?
-You like it?
-Yeah.
-That guy Nico gave it to me.
-Yeah.
-He's so cool!
-And it's got Greek writing on it.
-Yeah! It's got, "I love Greece! "
-Yeah, it says...
Excuse me.
-Greek toes taste funny to you, hey?
-Yes.
No, no, no.
Orgy!
I get the tour guide!
Gator!
Gator!
-Hello.
-Hello.
-You want to sit?
-Yes.
-Let me.
-Thank you.
I just wanted to tell you that I really liked
what you said today about driving the bus.
It was poetry.
-No, it wasn't.
-Yes.
-Where did you learn English?
-I rode my motorcycle across England.
Of course.
Wait. What should we drink to?
It's my birthday in 6 months.
You will be 25?
Yes, I will.
So...
Thank you. I should eat more fruit.
It's healthy.
It's really good.
So I just wanted to tell you...
You're such a nice guy. And I'm...
Okay, look.
This can't happen.
But it must.
You said you haven't made love in forever.
Yeah, when I thought
you didn't speak English.
You know what?
I've decided I'm leaving Greece,
because this whole moving here
was an experiment
to be brave and spontaneous, and...
Okay.
You know,
this whole impulsive and crazy and,
you know, jump into a thing, thing?
-Georgia?
-Yeah?
Your butt is too small.
That did it.
Is this the first time you made love
to a tour guide?
No. This was the third time.
-What?
-Yes.
The first time was 2 hours ago
by the boat.
-Second time, elevator.
-And the night is young.
Yeah.
What was that?
The Tullens?
Let's go find out.
-Come on. Come on. Come on.
-Look at me.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
-What time is it?
-Yeah.
I have to drive.
Irv! I don't know how you do it.
Little blue pill. Pfizer make it.
Medicare pay for it.
I'm sweating.
Oh! Hello.
Hot in your rooms, too, is it?
Yeah, it's hot. It's...
-Dorcas?
-Yes?
-Irv, do you wanna do something crazy?
-What did you have in mind?
A little swap.
I think I'm gonna need another blue pill.
Not that kind of swap!
Poor Nico. Did you hurt your lip?
No, it's nothing.
You hurt your head.
Poor Nico, let me kiss it better.
Now I'll buy us all a drink. Waiter!
Yes.
I feel so tired.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night, you two.
Good morning, good morning.
Good morning.
Hey!
Gotcha.
-Irv.
-Gesundheit.
-Good morning.
-Hey, rip-snort.
Okay. Right back at you.
-Hot today, huh, Nico?
-So?
Yo, Gator.
Morning, gang!
Georgia. How are you this morning?
-Fine, thank you. And how are you?
-Excellent.
Good morning, Caitlin.
-Poupi, do you know of a close beach?
-Of course.
And do you have any
-Of course.
-Good. Will you call him for me?
-Good.
-Hey, wait.
-Yes.
-Why?
I like to keep my options open.
Wow! Is it hot, huh? Sorry about that.
Poupi? What do you say we try the AC?
-Are you sure?
-Well...
Oh, no, please.
I don't want to be asphyxiated
all over again.
Well, Irv?
Maybe you could work your magic?
Boogie-woogie, bully-bully.
Whirlpool working!
Hey, it works!
That's lovely.
That's great, Irvinator.
We've got a packed schedule today.
The Mycenaean tombs,
a tour of a monastery,
then a stop at the Thessaloniki Museum.
But we're not doing any of that.
Because Caitlin wants to go to the beach.
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
Hit it, Poupi.
And now we dance.
Georgia's got some moves!
-Here we go.
-No, I'm not dancing.
-Come on, come on. Up you get.
-No, no. I'm not.
Come on! Everybody up!
Put your arms like this! Yes!
This is great!
And go!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
I've got money in my pocket
I've got loving in the air
There is nothing that will stop me
And I really just don 't care
Elizabeth, dear,
do please come out of there.
I won't, I don't want to
get sunburned.
If you don't come out,
I'm going to tell everyone how old you are.
You know you set my world on fire
-It's got to be love
-It's got to be love from the very start
It's got to be love not a broken heart
Well, that was certainly worth the wait.
You know you set my world on fire
-It's got to be love
-It's got to be love from the very start
Here. My nephew.
Feel like jumping in the river
or dancing in the rain
The different places smiling faces
It always make my day
And all are happy people
just following your dream
'Cause everything you want
is not a fly-by fantasy
-What's your name?
-Caitlin. What's yours?
I'm Doudi, Doudi Kakas.
Of course.
-It's got to be love
-It's got to be love from the very start
It's got to be love not a broken heart
Come on! Get in there! Tsunami time!
You know you set my world on fire
-It's got to be love
-It's got to be love from the very start
It's got to be love not a broken heart
-It's got to be love
-It's got to be love my one true desire
You know you set my world on fire
-It's got to be love
-It's got to be love from the very start
You know you set my world on fire
It's got to be love
You know you set my world on fire
Here.
A woman sends me kisses on the wind.
Hoping they will bring love to her.
She's waiting for a long time.
You waited too long.
Well, I had to give you a few years
to sow some wild oats.
You're welcome!
I've missed you.
Not as much as I missed you.
...of a woman in love.
That's lovely.
Classic.
-All right, who wants the last pancake?
-Delicious.
Hook me up! Hook me up now!
I feel like I've had a month of Sundays.
I'm gonna re-up the firewood
to get a bigger fire.
Hey, I've got something better for that fire.
Yes! Yeah!
She did it.
That really burns.
It's a blazer!
Keep your day job.
-All right.
-What?
-Oh, yeah.
-Not the cell phone.
No, no, no, you're not.
Yes! Yes! Burn it.
I cannot believe you just did that.
I feel lighter.
I can't believe it. Irv?
-Irv!
-Wait.
-What happened?
-Irv.
-Irv!
-What's wrong?
-Call an ambulance!
-I'll do it.
Now, you stay with us!
And you listen to my voice, all right?
Irv? Irv?
So we've been told the hospital
is keeping him for observation.
They're gonna run some tests and...
-When does he get out?
-Well, they're not sure, Gator.
They really aren't. The doctors actually
won't know anything until he wakes up.
But, look, they don't know Irv
like we do, right?
-Right.
-Yeah.
All right. This is the propylaeum.
Just up those stairs is the Parthenon.
How many more stairs?
About 30, 50. A lot.
It's okay.
We're tired, and the stress of Irv is... Yeah.
Anyone who wants to, follow me.
Incredible, isn't it?
-Tell us about it.
-Yeah, what's the John Dory?
Well, we have traveled
within a very mysterious triangle.
Delphi, Athens, Olympia.
And this city, Athens, got its name
from the goddess of wisdom, Athena.
And the Parthenon was built to honor her.
It was finished in 432 B.C.
Let me tell you why I love it here.
Listen to the sound of the wind
blowing through the columns.
That is the same wind that
mankind has listened to for centuries.
It's the sound of nature
meeting human imagination.
And for me, that's history.
I tell you what, Angie.
It's just plain beautiful. That's what it is.
-It was lovely.
-Best thing I ever set eyes on.
It's Greek-alicious.
Yes, Gator.
There's still something I haven't seen.
What's that?
A Greek hospital.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Good call, Gator.
-I'd like to see one of those, too.
I know a good one. I'll take us all.
Fine, fine, take your stupid pictures
and I go get you some ice cream.
Good morning, Nico.
Yeah? I have a headache in my head.
The bus air conditioner, it break,
and these American idiots
never stops to complain,
complain, complain.
Wait a minute!
Did you just call us Americans?
Americans, Canadians.
What's the difference?
You jerk!
Runs like a sheila!
And the Greek word for hospital
is nosocomio.
Say it with me.
Very good. This is one of
the finest hospitals in Athens.
Only the best for our Irv.
-Hey, hey, hey.
-Irv!
Dude!
This nice guy is for you.
You coming
to the farewell party tonight, then?
Here you go, mate,
shove that down your gullet.
This is great. Thank you, all.
-Looking good, Irv.
-Made in America, Irv.
Because you missed the Parthenon.
-Wear it in good health, boss.
-You're in the pink, Irv.
Friends.
This is great.
So many visitors. Nice.
-Now get out, yes.
-Take care of him.
Get well, Irv.
-You're looking good, Irv.
-Hey, stay up, man.
-Yo, Gator.
-On you, mate.
-Bye, Irv.
-Dorcas.
Bye, Irv.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
Say, "Cheese."
Great buffet, Ange.
These baklavas are a riot.
Angie, I've got benecoupola and dolmades
and they look very good.
-Or, as they say in Greek, poli kala.
-That's pretty good.
Hey, listen, it's not a big deal,
but my name is not Angie or Ange.
Yeah. We know. It's Georgia.
So why do you call me Angie?
Look at you.
You look just like Angelina Jolie.
You know,
that actress that adopts everybody.
-We love her.
-You must get that all the time.
Yes, I do. Yes.
Look who's here.
-Hi.
-Caitlin, hi.
-For you.
-Thank you.
Let's have a look at you.
No, I cannot count the ways
You have made my life so blessed
All I know is that you came
And made beauty of my mess
You make me happy
You make me feel the way I do
Hey, Poups.
You know, you turned out to be all right
for a guy that doesn't say much.
-Am I interrupting something?
-It's all right.
Excuse me.
-I'll get some wine.
-Okay.
Georgie, I got these for you.
Dorcas, you shouldn't do this.
It's all right. I've got the receipt.
-Good for you.
-Well, it's a start.
-Georgia. I saw you.
-Good.
To my hand you can speak.
You wrote this. "Excellent."
"Georgia is terrific."
"Georgia is wonderful."
"You are so lucky
to have someone like Angie."
I look like Angelina Jolie.
No, you don't. Who wrote this?
-I did. I wrote that.
-I did.
-I did.
-I totally did.
-We love Angie.
-Georgia.
-She's the best.
-Thank you, guys.
It's a fluke. So no raise.
Fine.
All right, 10%. That's as high as I go.
Okay.
You didn't get a letter from me, did you?
Sure I did. Butt-smoocher.
"Dear Maria,
you are my only friend in Greece."
The rest got stained. Coffee?
Coffee?
Everybody should take the time
for a coffee.
I've heard everyone should take time
for a coffee.
I just said that. What?
You found your kefi.
Yes.
And who the hell are you?
-Procopi.
-Who?
-Procopi.
-Who?
-Poupi Kakas.
-Shut up.
Maria, will you make me a full-time driver?
Okay. Georgia, 20%. That's as high as I go.
Okay. Why are you being nice to me?
-It's open.
-Michigan University.
You got the job there.
I have a job here.
And it won't be easy.
Nico? He quit. Mama's boy.
I knew his father. Same thing.
-Are you sure?
-Yes, I'm sure.
-If you'll be my driver.
-Of course.
-Will you hold on just a second?
-I'm waiting.
Everyone. Everyone.
I'm so happy I met you,
and I'm gonna miss you all.
To Georgia!
To Georgia!
-To Irv!
-To the Irvinator.
Okay, so I'm staying in Greece.
I have no idea what's going to happen.
But as the man says,
"How do you plan life?"
I've waited a long time to be this happy.
And the thing about happy...
Wait. What was I saying?
Yeah, I'm gonna enjoy it.
-Teach me to dance.
-Dance?
Did you say dance?
And now we dance.