I've got a secret place
Known to none but me
And in my secret place
You can beg
and torture me
I wouldn't tell you
where to go
'Cause in my
secret place ,
A secret place
A secret you know
A secret place
A secret you know
You realize once we cut it off,
it won't grow back?
It isn't like hair or fingernails
or toenails,you know.
What do you think I am,
some kind of idiot? I know that.
How about circumcision?
It'd be cheaper.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let's get it over with. Myra's waiting.
We'll have to blow up
your tits with silicone.
- I thought they used paraffin.
- No, that would make them inflammable.
You don't want inflammable
tits, now, do you?
I got a secret place
- Known to none but me
- Cleaver--
- I mean, scalpel.
-;And in my secret;
Well, I should think so.
Well, wish me luck.
Ive never clone one of these before.
;You can beg
and torture me
- You know American song?
Yes, I do. It's called
You Gotta S-M-l-L-E.
[ Woman Narrating] I am Myra Breckinridge,
whom no man will ever possess...
the new woman whose
astonishing history...
started with
a surgeon's scalpel...
and will end who knows where?
lust as Eve was born
from Adam's rib...
so Myron died
to give birth to Myra.
Did Myron take his own life?"
you will ask.
Yes and no is my answer.
Beyond that my lips are sealed.
Let's it suffice for me to say
that Myron is with me...
and that I am the fulfillment
of all his dreams.
Who is Myra Breckinridge?
What is she?
Myra Breckinridge is a dish.
And don't you ever forget it,
you-- [ Beep] fuckers...
as the children say nowadays.
Don't mother me.
It seems to be coming
this way.
[ Myra Narrating]
My purpose in coming to Hollywood...
is the destruction of the American male
in all its particulars...
starting with
my late husbands uncle...
the notorious Buck Loner,
who squats in unashamed luxury...
as the head of a dramatic school
in fashionable Westwood.
A tree!
An actor can learn from everything,
including a tree.
You must learn to experience
the truth of a tree...
to make it work for you,
to use it, to know its beauty.
This tree, goddamn it!
Ah, Myra baby, "
I say to myself...
half of all of this
will soon be yours. "
Howdy Doody.
Come right on in, little lady.
Take the weight off them
pretty little feet...
while I finish my last mile
back to the old corral.
So, you wanna be a star?
Mmm.
It's a hard road.
And I feel I should say, No, siree.
But somethin'-- somethin' about you
tells me I should give you a chance.
What do you say? Can you take
the heartache and the torture...
and the heat of them
five-kilowatt lamps over at MGM?
From where I sit, I'd say you can.
I can see your name
in lights now.
Fact is,you remind me of one of our former
successful students, a Miss Gloria Swanson.
- You've heard the name, I 'm sure.
- She was one of your students?
You bet your sweet ass.
My students is always sayin',
Uncle Buck, if it weren't for you...
we'd still be warmin' that seat
back in Schwab's Drugstore.
Really? I thought that was where
Lana Turner was discovered.
Her too. Her too.
Well, I'll be goldurned.
You really done your homework.
Yes, little lady...
Lana Turner put her sweet little fanny
right where you're sitting now.
Lana, I says, what say we put you
in a sweater and make a movie?
- And we did.
- What's your name honey?
- Myra Breckinridge.
- That's a might long for--
- Breckinridge?
Yes. I'm the widow
of your late nephew Myron...
and I've come to collect
a half a million dollars.
- You mean Gertrude's boy is dead?
- Irretrievably.
- I'm right sorry to hear that.
- Here.
I never knew Gertrude's boy had
such an eye for feminine pulchritude.
Oh, Mr. Loner, you're the only one
I have left to turn to.
You see, Myron
didn't leave me a penny.
Um, no insurance?
Safety-deposit box, maybe?
- No. I'm absolutely alone...
and penniless.
Mr. Loner...
Gertrude-- Myron's mother--
said to me with her dying breath...
Myron, and you too, angel girl,
if anything should ever happen to me...
you just go to your Uncle Buck,
and you tell that son of a bitch--
well, I 'm quoting now verbatim--
that that property in Westwood
was left to us jointly by our father.
And you tell that bastard... [Sobs]
that Ive got a copy of that will...
and I want my share
to go to you, Myron...
because that property must be worth
a good million dollars by now.
Well, how about that?
I conclude he left
a last will and testament?
Yes, leaving the whole
of his estate to me.
So, I suppose that
half this place must be mine.
Um, well, you know somethin', Myra?
The school ain't doin' too good.
We can see it through together,
Uncle Buck, why, as partners.
Partners? Uh, now, look, Myra, I'm pleased as
all get out you come to cry on my shoulder...
seeing as life's kicked you in the horse trough,
and blood's thicker than sarsaparilla...
but I don't need no partners.
The price for my share has
just gone up another $ 700,000.
I'm sorry, Uncle, but I expected more from
the star of Wild Bill Last Roundup...
and Cuckoo Calls in the Everglades,
but it seems I was wrong.
Perhaps my lawyers will speak
a tongue you'll comprehend.
Myra, Myra, Myra!
What a spit-lickin' horny toad I'd be...
to let you walk out of here without makin' some
contribution to the family pork 'n' beans.
What kind of a contribution?
All this talk about lawyers
and settlements...
and wills and testaments
goes clean over my head...
our bein' kissin' kin and all.
Well, I'd be overjoyed
if you'd share my vittles...
and break bread with my wife,
Bobby Dean, and me.
Only thing, she, uh, poisoned herself
on some homemade guacamole...
and she's laid up, like,
fora month or two.
I can tell there's Breckinridge
blood flowin' in them veins.
Do you think I'd throw the widow
of Gertrude's boy out in the clog patch?
I am prepared to accept
a position here on the faculty.
I took the liberty of picking up
a brochure on the way in.
Posture and empathy should do nicely.
I'm eminently qualified to teach both.
- Say a thousand a month.
- Uh, posture and empathy...
is a subject the students
badly need at 800 a month.
A thousand...
only on condition you don't tell the
other teachers how much you're gettin'.
- You have my word, Uncle.
- "Uncle"?
Uh, we're busy, Irving.
Is this your new masseuse?
My niece, Miss Myra Breckinridge,
who'll be teaching empathy and posture.
Delicious!
How much you getting?
- A thousand a month.
- I know. It's shocking, isn't it?
Still, we all love it here. Nobody ever
leaves. I've been here for 14 years.
- What do you teach?
- I don't teach. I'm a student.
Teachers last as long as Brillo pads,
and students stay on forever and ever.
We try to build up the confidence of
the students so they don't wanna leave.
That right?
That don't sound right.
Of course. Who'd wanna
leave where he's happy?
Yeah, that's right. [Chuckling]
Yeah, that's right.
- That's terrible!
- Hold your horses, Myra.
I'm taking into account her
recent and most tragic loss.
- What did you lose, dear?
- Her husband.
Careless.
Irving, I 'm sure Miss Myra would
appreciate a tour around the old corral.
- Who dat?
- I'd ride with you, partner...
except my chiropractor's clue in
to fix my back.
Oh, what's wrong with
your back? ls it fatal?
You sure got a sense of humor, Myra.
You ought to take it up professionally.
I bet around the country there's lots
of openings for your style of humor.
[ Myra on TV]
...homometic pantomime...
in which he saw straight through the
strenuous clowning to the hard fact...
that American women are eager for men
to rape them and vice versa...
and that in every American, there is a strangler
longing to break a neck during orgasm.
What in hell
is that woman talkin' about?
During the decade between
1935 and 1945...
no unimportant film
was made in the United States.
During those years,
the entire range of human...
which is to say American,
legend was put on film.
Remind me to have my masseuse
come in at 5:00 instead of 6:00...
as I'm gettin' horny
watchin' my niece on TV.
[ Myron]...leave this place
and go into the real world?
Oh, some of them leave, sure.
They have to get money to pay the fees.
It's very expensive.
- Is your name really Irving?
- Irving Amadeus.
- That's a Jewish name, isn't it?
- Yes, I know.
I used to be Jewish
before I was transmogrified.
Now I just eat nuts and raisins
and play Scrabble with my guru.
...to today's class
on cinema lovemaking.
-On balling.
Just take off your clothes
and get in bed, dear.
Now we need a ballsy young man
for the lover.
- Come on.
And you are irate.
You're bugged.
You think that she is
the lowest slut, the worst.
You also want to, uh,
get in bed with her.
You hold these here.
You look into his eyes and say...
No, it's all your imagination. I've never
been to bed with any man. You're on drugs.
- How could you do this to me, you bitch?
- lt's all your imagination.
- That's very good.
- Maybe we should--
- Congratulations, Lance.
...here at the academy
are not interested in...
teaching the students
to be successful.
We feel that it's
our responsibility to--
But you're a fag, aren't you?
Well, uh-- What do you--
I don't know.
I mean, in the Baha'i faith--
You see, Uncle Buck is convinced
that group therapy and self-criticism...
are the keys
to successful acting.
Personally, I think if everybody
ate macrobiotic foods...
- there'd be no more wars.
- [Buck] Bitch!
I should've put it to her
when she first come in...
throwed her on her back and give her the old
Buck Loner special right there on the rug.
Goddamn smart-mouthed broad!
Memo to Flager and Flager,
attorneys.
Dear Charlie- Hmm, honey,
that feels real good.
Uh, cut that.
Dear Charlie...
a problem's come up
on which I need your thinkin'.
Mm-hmm! A woman showed up today who says
she is the widow to my nephew Myron.
Now, this woman claims she has
a right to half my property...
which did at one time belong
to my sister Gertrude and me...
but is now mine, all mine,
if there's any justice in this world.
Now, Charlie, it's up to you to see
I get the best justice money can buy.
Honey, that is simply wonderful.
Hmm! Strike that.
Not me. Flager.
Let's go inside and watch some of
the fundamentals of acting class.
He's dirty and greasy,
and I can? stand him!
He's always hitting on me in rehearsals
and grabbing and groping me.
[Man] I want you to build
the vibe between you...
by closing your eyes
and touching each other.
I can't stand
to have this creep touch me!
Now we're getting someplace.
Real honesty
for the first time.
[ Woman ]
What are you going to teach us?
Well, I've come to bring back
star quality.
You simply must understand that that
pseudoanalytical group therapy approach to acting...
may be all right
for naturalistic theater--
a quaint, amiable convention
with little or no significance...
- but it has little to do with--
- What?
[ Myra Narrating] In my posture class,
I was particularly struck...
by one of the students,
a boy with a Polish name.
From a certain unevenly rounded thickness
at the crotch of his blue jeans...
it is 522% to assume
that he is marvelously hung.
Unfortunately, he's hot for an extremely
pretty girl with long blonde hair.
Dyed.
Beautiful legs and breasts.
Reminiscent of Lupe Velez.
She is mentally retarded.
He is probably just as stupid, but fortunately,
has the good sense not to talk too much.
When he does, however, he puts on a
hillbilly accent that is so authentic...
that I almost melt
in my drawers.
I didn't understand a word you said,
but whatever it was, I'm right with you.
I'm certain that regular
attendance in my classes...
will help even the most
limited intelligence.
Wait a minute. What you mean
by limited intelligence?
[Irving]
Myra, when you say that the cinema is-
- Howdy, kids! Howdy!
- Such a lovely man. A lovely man.
I see you've all met Myra.
[ Laughs]
- How'; the boy Rusty?
- Great, Uncle Buck,just great.
Ah! Well.
how's the workouts comin'?
Great. I've been concentratin' on my lats
lately, and they're comin' along real nice.
- Give us a flex, why don't you?
- Get it on, baby.
Come on! A quickie.
- Oh, wow, look at that, man!
- Oh, my goodness!
- I've never seen anything like
that in all my life. -Great!
- Beautiful.
- Great! Just great, great, great!
Great bunch of boys here. Of course,
you get the occasional weirdo.
- But greatest bunch of kids in Hollywood.
- Bread?
I'm certain of that.
The drivel in their heads...
must've been patiently
instilled by the faculty.
Wait a minute. The faculty may be
a bunch of Commies and fags--
no offense, lrving--
but they're all eminently qualified.
[ Myra] Yes, as a dance act
for the Menninger Clinic...
but their collective knowledge
could be inscribed on--
I hope to see you all in class--
on the head of a pin.
She's, um--
She's from New York.
Myra! Myra!
Myra, I can't have you talking
like that in front of the kids.
It'll shake their faith
in the school.
Nothing could shake the simple faith these
deluded bunnies have in you, Uncle Buck.
I can't relate to her!
You don't want to
make it with her, do you?
Forget it. You don't have to worry
about her. She turns me off completely.
I don't want to make any charges.
It may not be a conspiracy at all.
Conspiracy? I should've known.
Every one of them is some kind of lefty.
I mean, man, I never heard
anybody rap like that, man.
I mean, she just got right into it,
man, and rapped.
I don't know.
She's weird, you know?
I mean, I like her,
but she's weird.
I bet a couple of sessions in the old exercise
program would straighten her out pretty good.
Old Buck Loner special would shape her
up real good. God knows she wants it.
Well,
If its all the same
to you...
I'll go and finish
my makeup.
Miss Van Allen
is on her way up.
I'll be right with you, boys.
Get your resums out.
Mmm. Got a big mob.
I'm a little tired today.
One of those guys will have to go.
Well, there are four or five
with brown suits.
Oh, the brass buttons.
Yes, I see.
Uh, she'll see you.
Yes, you.
Mmm,yeah.
You think a squealer
can get away from me?
Huh?
You know what I do
to squealers?
I let 'em have it in the belly.
Well, I don't care about your credits
as long as you're oversexed.
Oh, that's one
of my credits.
A bed.
I never did see a bed
in an office before.
Well, you see,
I do a lot of night work sometimes.
Come here.
Mmm.
- Don't work any
harder than you have to for these blues.
I won't.
- How's this?
- Perfect.
You impress me immensely.
I'll keep you in mind
as a summer replacement.
Next.
Well, the end of
another busy day.
I can't wait till
I get back to bed.
If that don? work,
I'll try and sleep.
Mmm. Hi, cowboy.
How tall are you
without your horse?
Well, ma'am,
I'm six feet, seven inches.
Well,
[Clears Throat]
Never mind
about the six feet.
Let's talk about
the seven inches.
Those were the days.
Spike Jones and his City Slickers...
Ina Ray Hutton
and Her All-girl Band...
and, of course,
the Andrews Sisters.
Well, there'll never be
anyone like them.
The decline in our music
saddens me...
nearly as much as
the decline in our films.
I have never heard
of any of these people.
But my dear,
they were unique.
Truly mythic.
Why, the Andrews Sisters
really did roll out that barrel...
and no one yet
has ever rolled it back.
Do you know, Mary Ann,
that if you worked very hard...
it's possible that you might achieve a voice
something like that of the late La Verne.
Oh, thank you, Myra.
But I'm just studying at the academy
to be with Rusty.
- I just wanna get married
and settle down. - [ Scoffs]
- To fulfill yourself as a woman, no doubt.
Well, yes.
I mean, it's only natural.
Natural?
Oh, my dear Mary Ann...
don't you realize that--
Well--
Never mind.
It's getting late.
We have a big day tomorrow.
We'll talk about it
another time.
- Well--
- Yes, my dear?
- But, um--
- Mm-hmm?
But we haven't talked
about Rusty.
Oh, that.
Don't you worry your pretty little head.
I have that well in hand.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Well! Did you hear her?
Never even heard
of the Andrews Sisters.
I scarcely dared mention Ella Mae Morse
and the Cow-Cow Boogie.
I Myron] I must say you showed
remarkable restraint.
And four children.
It's not enough that she and that ape...
merely want to reproduce themselves,
she wants to have four!
Half the world is starving now, and if
population continues at the present rate--
I know, I know.
Famine by 1974.
And you can forget
about plankton and seaweed...
because there's not gonna be
enough of that to go around.
Oh! I've heard this speech
so many times.
Your goal is--
My goal is the destruction of the last
vestigial traces of traditional manhood.
- In order to--
- Realign the sexes--
- While--
- Decreasing population--
- Thus--
- Increasing human happiness.
- And--
- Preparing humanity for its next stage.
Bravo. Also... bullshit.
- Would you care to explain that?
- Gladly.
I thought we were gonna invite Mary Ann
here tonight so that we could talk.
Oh, never mind!
I make all your fantasies come true, and
then all you say is I make everything nasty!
Well, I'm doing
everything I can!
I'll give you Mary Ann
if you want and... Rusty...
and Leticia Van Allen.
The only person I can't deliver
is Buck Loner.
He's a real piece of history.
- Will you stop it?
Oh, you behave
like a real child.
Forgive me.
I just wanna make you happy.
That's all.
Myra will take care
of everything.
You'll see.
- Oh, yes, Myra.
I didn't mean to criticize.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
Good morning.
I'm your typical sun
and fun-loving California sweetheart.
We have here a fine selection
of all of your favorite treats.
-F is for French fry.
- P is for pizza.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
P is for pretzel.
- Oh, A is for apple.
I almost forgot.
There's me.
Would you like
this banana?
And me?
Oh. Open wide.
Isn't that good?
Let me see.
Some peanut butter.
Would you like some peanut butter?
With a little jelly?
With some whipped cream?
Mmm!
So good.
- His for hot dog.
It's so good!
And a big glass of milk!
Now maybe some chicken.
Johnny Weissmuller,
the zaftig Tarzan...
still provides the last word on soft
man's relationship to hard environment.
- And Tarzan and the Amazons, 1945,
he was-- - Tarzan and the Amazons?
You mean you like that?
As I've just indicated,
it was a masterpiece.
But it's trash. I mean,
there isn't a single moment of truth.
I mean, it'; not, uh, real.
Whatever real means.
ls that necessarily good?
Could the real Christ
have possessed a fraction...
of the radiance of H. B. Warner in the first
King of Kings or Jeffrey Hunter in the second?
Heavy, heavy.
At any rate,
back to johnny Weissmuller...
who swung out of the trees
and into our hearts...
with his leading lady--
- Brenda Joyce.
- Brenda Joyce.
The only contemporary figure
we can point to is James Bond...
- who invariably ends up with a blowtorch
aimed at his crotch. - Miss Breckinridge.
- Ah, Uncle Buck.
- May I have a word with you?
- I'm in the middle of a class.
- It'll only take a minute.
All right.
This won't take long.
Miss Breckinridge...
what you're doing here is downright
unwholesome, underminin' all my good work.
Do you think lying to people
is good for them?
Do you think telling someone who's got cancer
he doesn't need the operation is right to do?
Well, if he's had the operation
and the case is terminal...
why, you'd want him
to be happy, wouldn't ya?
- Have the happiest frame of mind?
- I can only conclude that you agree.
What you have assembled here are the
national dregs, the misfits and neurotics.
- In short, the fuck ups of our culture.
- That ain't so.
They are the carefully selected
candidates for future stardom.
- Bullshit! - You can't talk
to me like that, young lady.
I'll have you out of here
so fast, your hair'll curl.
You just try it, and I'll take this place
away from you lock, stock and empathy class!
You watch your step. As for taking
this place away from me, why--
I don't even know whether, uh,
that man you claimed you married--
that fag son of a bitch--
you was ever even really
married to that fag!
That, students, was a classic stage slap
delivered so as to give the impression...
that the subject has been hit
very hard in the mouth.
It was first developed by Patricia
Collinge in The Little Foxes, 1941.
Oh. Thank you for
the demonstration, Uncle Buck.
Hello, Miss Van Allen. I thought this
was your car. Anything I can do for you?
Come to think of it, yes.
There's a car been following me
for quite some time.
- Want me to bust him?
- No. Introduce him.
Oh, and don't forget to remind me
of the policeman's balls--
I mean, the police show.
I wish to see
Signorina van Allen.
- I have a message for her I bring
from Italy. - Your name, please?
Mario Giuseppe Leonardo
Guastaferro Stinginate Pastriani.
Have a seat.
I'll be right with you, boys.
There's enough for all of you.
jobs, I mean.
Leticia, bellissima.
Well, what do you know?
The pizza man. When do you deliver?
Signorina, at last I find you.
Find me? Why,
I'm in the Yellow Pages.
Federico Fellini, the great director,
tell me to look you up.
Oh, Fellini.
Oh, yes.
He's my friend.
Mmm.
Did he say look me up
or eat me up?
No pinching.
Beautiful one, you are the reason
I come so far from Italy.
I could not stand it no more.
Ever since
I see your pictures...
I hear your record...
lam in love with you.
Hundreds of women have
thrown themselves at my feet...
but I love only you.
-I am on fire for you.
- Oh, I'll put your fire out.
Now, what can I do for you,
as if I didn't know?
I don't look for job.
- I look for love.
- Mmm.
I look for you.
To be with you.
To make love with you.
This is too much
too soon.
In my country,
to wait for love...
is to burn by inches.
Ooh, you've got it
all measured out.
When Mario makes love,
the bird sing, the bells ring.
And everything swings.
You're the wildest salesman
since Columbus.
Columbus,
he was a good lover too.
Yeah, I know-a.
He raise-a the hell-a with Isabella.
Arrivederci.
Hmm, hundreds of broads
at his feet.
Get a test on this guy.
- A screen test?
- No.
A blood test.
- [Horse Whinnies ]
- Good morning, Uncle Buck.
I have information here
regarding...
a certain mutual acquaintance
named Breckinridge.
- Stand up when a lady comes into the room,
you son of a bitch. - [ Whip Cracks]
My dearly departed kinsman was
never married no how, no place...
not to you nor nobody.
You think youre pretty clever,
don't you?
Smarter than a flea in a feather bed.
- You make me sad, Uncle, really sad.
I believe you misunderstand
my meanin', Myra.
You're out.
The con game didn't work.
There's no record of any Myron Breckinridge
being married in the whole United States.
- Nowhere in the United States, hmm?
- That's right.
Do you know why
that might be?
American Airlines
has ten regular flights a day.
I'd be glad to pay
your fare back home.
No record of my marriage to Myron
exists in any of the United States...
for the excellent reason
that we were married in Mexico.
Monterrey.
It's a goddamn disgrace,
Buck.
A man can't take his family to the movies
without seeing some kind of filth.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Now, listen, Charlie.
You gotta get this bitch off my neck.
She's making my life a living hell.
Maybe you could
plant drugs on her.
I mean filth, Buck!
I saw this picture where
people were fornicating.
- Fornicating!
- You mean, uh, really doing it?
God's honest truth, Buck. I've seen it
three times, and I tell you--
Hoo-hoo! Three times?
You gotta know your enemy
if youre gonna beat them.
It's sick. What is
this business coming to?
Destroying the moral fibers
of this country
Corrupting our youth.
I've seen things, Buck,
that would turn your stomach.
It's not your basic naked women
or the fornication.
It's the fags, the dykes
and every kind of perversion.
Banana split.
With nuts?
The reason he doesn't
want to take Nancy to the prom...
is that he thinks
he has the clap...
and he knows that
she wants to ball him...
and he's afraid
that he will.
I mean, it's a real
selfless act, you know?
- Bang, bang!
- Fuck off.
- [Myra] Come in, Rusty.
Make yourself at home,
such as it is.
Oh, Uncle Buck really did
himself proud this time.
Of course, [Chuckles]
I'm only kissin' kin and all.
Recently, Mary Ann was telling me
that I...
Have a tendency
to pick on you.
Yeah, you sure do.
Oh. Well, if I spend
my valuable time on you...
it's because I feel you have
a glimmer of potential talent...
and I'm trying to help you
walk like normal people.
Look at the way you're leaning
to one side right now.
You obviously have
a physical problem.
Mary Ann told me
about your back.
I broke four ribs, and even so,
I finished the last half
Very admirable, I'm sure. If you
don't mind, I'd like you to stand up...
and walk over to the door first,
and then back here to me.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry. I missed that.
What was that again?
Rusty...
it's been my experience in the past,
in problems like yours...
that it sometimes helps
if you dance.
Imagine you're listening...
to the big sound
of Glenn Miller.
You can keep time
by snapping your fingers.
-I feel silly.
-Turn around.
You know, all you really need is something
to remind you to-- to stand straight.
Now, tell me, where were
the ribs broken, Rusty?
Four was busted right here, which is why
I'm kind of pulled over to this side.
Uh, let me see.
- Uh, like this?
No, I want to see your back.
Take off your shirt.
But there's nothing to see. I mean, all of
the ribs are inside me that were broken.
I know where ribs are,
Rusty...
but I want to see the exact point
where the muscle is pulling.
Oh, your T-shirt too.
Haven't got X-ray eyes.
Well, you certainly are
in good condition, Rusty.
Well, I work out some.]
- Not like I ought to or used to.
Yes. Would you face the wall
with your arms at your side...
hands pressed very flat
against the wall?
Now...
- hands flat against the wall! - But
Miss Myra,you're jerking my pants down!
Will you do as I say?
Now, I believe the problem is a little
lower down, around the small of the back.
I'd say around
the lumbar region.
- Aha! Gotcha!
- Yeah, okay.
- Hell 's Angels.
Okay, I'm a movie.
Who am I?
How Green Was My Valley.
Remind me to start takin'
diet pills again.
The zipper keeps
gettin' strung.
- Yeah? - [Woman] Miss Van Allen's
car just came through the gate.
Goddamn!
Ah, Mary Ann,
I've been meaning to tell you...
I'm seriously considering
recommending you to Leticia Van Alien.
- Thanks. - Well, you don't
sound too pleased about it.
You make me feel as though Ive
just announced a plague of locusts.
What's the matter,
Mary Ann?
Is it Rusty?
Can I do anything
to help?
Oh, Myra,
I'm so worried about him.
Oh, there, there.
Busted?
The first time wasn't his fault at all,
but he was on parole.
This time,
they'll really put him away.
Nonsense. They'll do nothing
of the kind. You just leave that to me.
Why? ls there something
you can do?
- Why, of course, my clear.
lt's only the law. -
- Ah, Leticia Van Allen. - The kids
and I sure appreciate these visits...
particularly the scholarship boys.
By the way, speaking
of the scholarship fund--
They say she goes to bed
with all the actors she represents.
Oh, Fl! talk about that another time.
Yes. She must be
a marvelous woman.
I think all the gay boys
are gonna take the business over.
There's no more
studs around anymore.
Everyone's popping pills
and smoking grass.
- Oh, Miss Van Allen?
-Yes?
This is Miss Breckinridge,
who'll be with us teachin'...
until she goes back East
on or before September 3.
Permit me to say that you are the only
brain comparable to my late husband's.
Ooh, I appreciate that, honey,
but what did your late husband do?
He wrote books
about the movies.
- Oh. Was he gay?
- Ostensibly he was Americana--
a terelyne-hosed chick-baller from East
57th Street, but underneath it all--
He was gay.
Sit down, honey.
You sound like a good agent.
You see, Miss Van Allen,
Uncle Buck and I deal in myths.
And movie stars are like
gods and goddesses.
When one fades,
another promptly takes its place...
because the human race requires
that the pantheon always be filled.
And you and I must seek out
the glittering few...
that are the new stars
of our race reborn!
That is the damnedest thing
lever heard... about this business.
You have all the kinky angles that
are in right now. What about studs?
Heaven.
I mean, have you any
that I don't know about?
Uh, only one that's really
A material.
I know you'd like him.
He's our pride and joy.
He's the last stronghold of masculinity
in this Disneyland of perversion.
He looks like he's got quite a lot
going for him. What's his name?
- Rusty Godowsky. - I ain't sure these kids
should try to walk before they can run.
- Anyway, Rusty's been busked.
- [Leticia ] Arrested for what?
Violation of parole.
Perhaps you could help.
I'll look into it.
I have a judge by the--
Oh, Leticia...
they don't call you Queen of
the Casting Couch for nothing.
From what I understand, they're
voting me a special Academy Award.
- An Oscar?
- No.
A golden phallus.
And let me tell you, someday we'll
have our own stable of studs.
A steady stream
of sturdy studs.
A boy bank,
where credit is always good.
Sort of a lay-a-day plan.
- God bless America!
- God help America.
A lay a clay.
Mmm.
That reminds me.
I simply must go.
Identical twins.
I'm the only one
that knows the difference.
Yeah. Get me
judge Frederic D. Cannon.
Keep ringing
the judge's chambers.
He sleeps there
between sessions.
Never mind howl know.
No nation can long endure
the onslaught of godless Communism...
which permeates the very warp
and woof of Southern California.
Eternal alertness to what your neighbor
is up to is the price of freedom.
Miss Breckinridge,
keep your eye on him at all times.
And remember...
the Commies will use every
infernal device known to man...
to worm their way into
our churches and supermarkets...
which is why...
only the National Rifle Association
stands between a free America...
and a Communist takeover.
With this in mind, we may yet curb
the lawlessness and degenerate values...
as expressed by the Kremlin...
and upheld...
by the Supreme Court
of the United States.
Well, thank you, sir.
Come along, Rusty.
- Say, Ollie?
- What?
What time is it?
- It's nearly half past.
- Thank you, Ollie.
Ladies and gentlemen...
we take great pleasure
in presenting to you...
the world-famous
recording star...
Miss Leticia Van Allen...
- and the Van Allen Dancers.
Hell, jail wouldn't be so bad
if it wasn't for all those faggots.
There's always
some fruit after you.
That shouldn't bother you, Rusty.
Well, the whole idea
makes me wanna puke.
A man should act like a man.
Know what l mean?
Look out, baby!
- How should a man act?
He should ball chicks.
That's how.
- But only if he loves her.
- [ Woman ] Cigars...
- cigarettes, chewing gum...
Bananas.
What is normal?
Well, it's what everyone does.
I mean, it's what the majority
of society does most.
Yeah.
I still think a guy
should ball chicks.
- Ah-ha-ha.
- Hi.
How's it goin', girls?
just great, sweetie.
Playing, uh, canasta?
- That's right, sweetie.
Hey. Great, great, great.
Uh, how's your
poker game going, sweetie?
Ah, great, great.
Great.
- Just great.
Yes.
- Bang! Bang!
- Oh!
Ooh,you got him, Kid Barlow.
You got him.
Kid Barlow was the fastest gun
at Republic Pictures.
- Them was the days.
Yeah. Well...
every time I look at
them old flicks of mine...
in the morning on TV...
I get a lump right here
in my throat.
Oh, we was Saturday afternoon
for the whole world.
Till our kind of pictures...
just rode off in the sunset.
And what's taken our place?
I'll tell you what.
Perversion.
That's what's taken our place.
Communist perverts
turning out filth.
I guess I'll have to pass.
- One no-trump.
Three hearts.
- Three hearts?
Three no-trump.
Three no-trump?
I know I'll have to pass now.
- No bid.
- Well, how was the beef teriyaki?
Awful.
Worse than the chow mein.
What's that?
Swedish massage.
What do you do with it?
I beat you with it.
- Does it hurt?
You bet your ass.
Somethings wrong
here someplace.
Good evening, Rusty.
Good evening, Rusty.
Um, gee, it's,
uh, really nice...
that Leticia Van Allen wants
to represent Mary Ann, isn't it?
Yes, very nice.
About your back...
I've spoken to Uncle Buck's
chiropractor...
and she's going to arrange
a special brace.
But she couldn't be here tonight. So she asked
me to take an exact tracing of your spine...
so that she'll know
what to do.
So if you'll just
slip off your shirt...
we'll get right to work.
Step on the scale...
and we'll measure you.
Take off those atrocious cowboy boots.
- They'll break the scale.
- Oh, no, they won't.
Do exactly as I tell you.
You don't want me to have to tell
the judge that you've been...
uncooperative, do you?
No, no.
Guess I'm full of holes.
Oh, well, that's all right.
Now we'll need your weight.
Um, which is...
And your height...
which is...
six-one and a quarter.
Well, the chart's
filling up nicely.
You can get down.
Now, we'll need
a urine specimen.
Step behind the screen.
- But, uh--
- But?
Well, what's the matter?
I don't know. I guess I'm,
uh, what they call pee shy.
Well, don't be,.
just relax,.
- We have plenty of time.
Ah. Bravo.
Now, then.
Rusty...
Godowsky.
- Would you come here and loosen your belt?
Perhaps we better
wait for the doctor.
- Do as you're told, Rusty.
- What do you want me to do?
Well, it's very simple. I don't know
what you're so frightened of.
All I want you to do is loosen
your belt and say, Ah. "
- Now, then, take a deep breath.
- Turn your head to the side and cough.
Hmm. Bend over
the table, please.
There's more where that came from.
Bend over the table.
- I want to take your temperature.
- But not there.
Certainly there.
I don't know, Rusty. You've been
showing a very suspicious reluctance.
I think you have a disease
you've been hiding from me.
Why, no, Miss Myra.
Then face down
on the table.
- Hands up here.
All right. Now, this is just
so you won't move...
while I do the tracing.
There we go.
- Now, then. Bottoms up.
- Hey.
Now, you must be
very still.
- I don't want that thermometer
broken, Rusty.
- Tell me...
- have you ever suffered from tuberculosis?
- No.
- Heart disease?
- No.
- Chicken pox?
- No.
- Smallpox?
- No.
- Measles?
- N o.
- venereal disease?
- Nu.
- Be careful, Rusty.
-l said, No!
We'll see.
They checked me out in Mexico.
I had the Wassermann test.
Really. Hmm.
What are you doing?
I'm preparing you
for your brace.
- Oh, Christ.
- What's the matter, Rusty?
- I said, Oh, Christ.
- What is it, Rusty?
You're playing some kind of joke on me.
I know you are.
You're playing
some kind of joke.
Oh, this is
no joke, Rusty.
I'm in deadly earnest.
You have a lot to learn.
All you men
have a lot to learn.
And I have taken it
upon myself...
to teach you.
What do you mean?
This is the most important
part of your education.
The part your teachers
failed to instruct you in.
Take off your hat.
- It's called balling.
- Well, I know how to do that.
That's what you think.
- Did you know you have a temperature?
- No, I didn't.
Well, you do. But no matter.
I shall cure what's wrong with you.
- What are you gonna do?
I shall ball you, Rusty.
It's very simple.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
what you've all been
waiting for...
the wildest, buckingest
bronc in the world.
He's never been ridden before.
- Cherry, the man-killer.
Oh, well, what nature intended
is not always good for us, Rusty.
You think that being a man
is such a simple thing.
A man should ball chicks,
you said.
Well, I tried to explain it to you,
but you wouldn't listen.
So, I'm afraid it will require
a practical demonstration.
[Grunting]
Oh, my God.
Jesus, you'll kill me.
- I won't kill you, Rusty.
I 'll just educate you.
You and the rest of America.
- It must be
demonstrated to you practically...
that there is
no such thing as manhood.
- It died with Burt Lancaster...
in Vera Cruz.
Your manhood was taken
by Errol Flynn and Clark Gable.
lam only going to supply you
with the finishing touches.
Oh, God.
I reckon none of you northern folks
ever heard a Texas cowhand...
making love to his gal.
Well, you're gonna
hear it now.
Charge!
God, no, what are you--
She certainly
leaned on that one.
- Get 'em. Get up there.
- Oh! Oh!
Ah, that's what
I call disgusting.
Why don't you
show him how, Sergeant?
I'm coming, Scarlett. I'm coming.
I'm coming, Lana.
I'm coming.
Hooray for Mickey Mouse
and Donald Duck.
Uncle Sam, here I...
co-o-o-o-om e!
- Marvelous. Absolutely marvelous.
- Leave him alone.
It's the first time in my whole life
I've ever really enjoyed opera.
Can I go now?
Yes.
You can go...
HOW.
Well, aren't you going to thank me
for all the trouble I've taken?
Thank you, ma'am.
- You know what, Ollie?
- What?
I feel like a mouse.
We had to do it.
It hurt me more than it did him.
Poor Daniel.
[Sobbing]
Oh.
$422'???
Well, are you alone?
Come right up.
Why are you so
fascinated by the girl?
But having raped
Rusty's manhood...
I must now
complete the cycle...
and seduce his girl.
Only then will
my victory be complete...
thus exerting power
over both sexes...
- and indeed over life itself.
Boy, she's
a tough customer.
What are you
moping about?
She's so sweet.
Come on.
- Mary Ann.
- Oh, Myra.
Why, Mary Ann,
what's the matter?
Rusty's gone again.
Gone? Where?
I don't know.
I just don't understand.
Well, let me
fix you a drink.
It'll soothe
your nerves.
Didn't he give you
any explanation at all?
No. Nothing.
It was frightening.
Just that he was sick of me.
Sick of women.
Sick of women?
- He actually said that?
- Yes.
Well, I'm certain
he didn't mean sick of you.
- Oh, sick of women in general, perhaps.
I don't know.
Both, I guess.
Men.
They're all alike.
But don't you worry.
We'll find him.
We've just got to.
I may never see him again.
Of course you will.
You'll see. Everything
will work out just fine.
I'm so worried.
I just can? go back there.
You don't have to.
You can stay here with me.
Oh, no. I couldn't.
I insist.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.
It's really
no bother at all.
Really. We'll just
find you something to wear.
Now, then.
Let me see.
[Sighing]
- [Mumbling]
Those are men's pajamas.
Oh.
So they are.
How indiscreet.
You've had a very
trying day, Mary Ann.
I really feel you should
go right to bed.
I don't know how to thank you.
You've been so sweet to me, Myra.
And don't you worry
about Rusty.
It's either them or me.
I told him.
And of course it will be
you, my darling.
Now, let's have
a nice girlie evening.
I'll tell you howl lost my virginity,
if you tell me how you lost yours.
- Jesus.
- There we go.
Oh, Rusty.
Oh.
There, there,
my dear.
He's only a man,
and not good enough for you.
- How well I remember my own puppy love.
- No shit.
Mmm, Myra?
This is Leticia. Rusty's at
the beach house with me right now.
I'm calling to say thanks.
Oh, I'm--
I'm so glad you liked him.
Uh, is it
the right color?
Well, I guess so.
It's the usual color.
- Didn't you ever make it with him?
- Not in the classic way, no.
Well, I 'm-- I hope
he sleeps well in his new home.
I wouldnt entrust him
to just anyone.
- Good night, dear lady.
- Oh, well. Good night.
Come on, honey. Let's take
another trip around the world.
Charlie, I've knowed you
ever since you was a cough and a spit.
Charlie, I've knowed you
ever since you was a cough and a spit.
- Gee.
- I've watched you become the dream...
of every parent this
side of San Diego.
- Wow.
- You're a fine boy, Charlie.
- A fine boy.
- Gee, uh, thanks, Uncle Buck.
You know what I've
always thought of you...
ever since you did that
morning television show on ABC.
I can tell you now,
Uncle Buck, that--
Well, you've
always been my idol.
I've lost more fights over you
at UCLA than anything else.
I'm very moved to hear you
say that, very moved.
Also, I'm pleased to hear
you're a fighter...
'cause this Myra Breckinridge
is more than a match...
for most men--
more than a match.
l'll do my best, Uncle Buck, and, if my best
isn't good enough, well, that's too bad.
Not quite, Charlie. Not quite.
- If your best ain't good enough...
you might just as well
pack up and move to Milwaukee.
- There she is.
Remember, the, uh,
velvet hand and the iron glove.
- Come in, Myra.
- Okay. Let her rip.
- This better be good.
Who's this? It looks like
The Late, Late Show.
Myra, this is Charlie Flager
of Flager & Flager.
I thought you two should get together and sort
out the little problems we've been having.
Problems, Uncle Buck?
I don? have any problems.
All I know is
that you owe me $900,000..
And the price of real estate
is going up every day.
I think you should know that
Charlie's dad and me have been pals...
ever since he handled me when I had
that row with the Blue Network.
I-- I guess that we value
Mr. Loner's account...
more than any single
non corporate account.
Like Dad always says,
Buck Loner has a real reputation.
Uh, for being, like,
a straight shooter.
When you two lovebirds are finished,
perhaps you'll tell me...
what lousy, dirty trick
you're up to now.
No lousy tricks, Mrs. Breckinridge.
I am simply here...
to defend my client's interest,
which in this case...
is your alleged claim to, like, half
the value of this Westwood property.
- Alleged?
- Alleged.
That marriage certificate
is an out-and-out phony.
Oh.
It isn't easy being a woman,
Uncle Buck...
especially when you have
to fight your own family...
for what's rightfully yours.
Honey, honey, honey.
We don't want to take what's yours.
That's the last thing on our mind.
But we gotta make sure
you're entitled to it.
Like, you might be an impersonator
saying you are who you are.
And after Gertrude gave you
that $200 back in Philadelphia...
to pay for the abortion of the daughter
of that Rexall druggist...
you knocked up and refused to marry.
The point is, can you prove
you were married?
That 's all.
Proof will arrive before the end of the week
in the person of Dr. Randolph Spencer Montag.
Montag?
- The great dental psychiatrist?
- He was a witness to our wedding.
I trust his word
will be sufficient.
Let me make it
perfectly clear that it might.
In any case,
my price has gone up...
to an even million dollars.
- How old were you then?
Long distance call,
Dr. Montag.
Yeah. Uh, Mondo--
No, no. Montag here.
Yeah? Oh. Oh, Myra.
How are ya, kid.
How's your teeth?
Spit out now.
- So, my so-- - Myra, dental health is
mental health. Will you remember that?
- John Phillips tried to rape me.
-Open.
- And I said, Oh, how can he do that?
- What?
Myra, believe me that your appeal
reaches me at every level...
- from lower id to superego.
After all, I realize that our
relationship was always much more...
than that simply of
analyst to patient.
- I'm also your dentist.
No-- No, Myra, I've got
other patients who need me too.
- And he shouldn't have done it.
- Spit out now, dear.
Oh, you've got such lovely boobs.
They're such a comfort to me.
No, I said 15, Myra.
Open up.
Fifteen percent.
I'm in L.A. tomorrow.
Mighty kind of you, Doc, coming
all this way to help our little Myra.
- Of course, we all mean to do the right
thing by her. - Then cut the crap...
- and handover the cash. - Naturally, we are,
uh, not about to question the probity...
of such a well-known person
and author as Dr. Montag.
- Yes?
- New York calling Mr.
Flager. -Which Mr. Flager?
Mr. Flager, Jr.
Take it, junior.
In the bathroom, you idiot.
Uh, I have to
go to the bathroom.
Do you get to
the movies much, Doctor?
- I say do you get
to the movies much, Doctor?
I was wondering what you thought
about all the pornography we have.
- Pornography. Uh-- - I was wondering
what you thought about it in our movies.
I've never seen
any of your movies.
I mean our current American picture,
which is loaded with smut.
- Smut. Yes.
- Uh, listen, could--
- Smut. Yes.
- Uh, listen, could--
- Uh, attention, everybody.
Uh, uh, I guess you all know,
uh, th-that was a call, uh...
from our, uh,
New York office.
- What did they say?
- Oh, uh, Dad, um...
before we get into that, I--
I think it might be nice, at this time...
to put everyone in the picture
as to the background.
- Uh, would you tell him to--
- Shut up and get to the point.
The point is,
Mrs. Breckinridge...
that no record of your husband's death
exists in New York City or State.
- Strike.
- Just remember, Myra...
these people don't
screw around.
Everything's legal
and aboveboard.
Not like in some places I can mention
south of the border down Mexico way.
Listen, I say the man's dead,
you unmitigated shit.
And that means he's dead.
Oh, I 'll admit his body
was never found. That's true.
He died in a car accident
outside the Bank of America.
Fire!
- Beverly Hills branch. - There is not
one iota of evidence that he is dean'...
and we are not going to
pay you one single penny.
Strike.
Randolph...
I believe the moment of truth
has finally arrived.
Go get 'em.
Gentlemen...
I am Myron Breckinridge.
Uncle Buck,
your fag nephew...
became your niece two years ago
in Copenhagen...
and is now free as a bird
and happy in being...
the most extraordinary woman
in the world. [Chuckles]
And I thought
I fell in love with a man.
- That's the ball game.
- [ Myra Chuckling]
Uh, Stanley,
what time is it?
It's about half past--
Something went wrong.
Either you keep me on here,
or l'll tell the world...
that Buck Loner's fag nephew became
his niece two years ago in Copenhagen.
I could kill him. I could kill him
if I could get away with it.
Strike that.
Anyway, thank God...
I never slipped him
the old Buck Loner special.
Myra, don't.
It spoils it.
All right. Whatever you say, Mary Ann.
But I do love
being with you like this.
I'm sorry, Myra.
I just can't.
I wish I could, really.
Love isn't always
a matter of sex, you know.
Well, I know.
And I really do love you as you are.
I even like it
when you touch me.
Up to a point.
I don't know.
I just can't
let myself go.
That's the way I am.
Well, is it Rusty?
No, that's finished.
But someone like him.
Someone gentle.
Rusty gentle?
I thought he was violent.
No. Whatever
gave you that idea?
It's because he was so gentle
that I loved him.
He never grabs you
like the other boys.
Oh, you are an angel,
Myra, and I do love you.
I really do.
I just can't,
you know?
Yes. Of course. I know.
If only there were
some man like you.
I'd really fall.
l would.
But not like this.
If only you were a man.
[Thinking]
l'll get you this time.
It's a dangerous thing,
ambition.
Ruined Mickey Mouse's
whole career.
Well, now it's
eight bars and out, honey.
You were no more than
a Linda Darnell paper doll.
A Disney cow
that got over the fence.
You got ambitious.
You were great in CinemaScope
and Technicolor...
but you can? cut it in
black and white.
- Magnificent!
Funny...
when I waited for you...
you didn't come.
But now you have come, and...
I must go away.
You will remember the day in the desert.
- Fl! remember,.
Where are my tits?
Where are my tits?
Good morning, Nurse.
Ah, what have we got here?
When you get to 103, sell.
There you go.
Hey, forty chin-ups, baby.
What are you doing, writing home
for money? What are you saying there?
Hey, Dustin Hoffman.
Midnight Cowboy.
Hi, Charlie.
You're looking good.
Soul food here?
Don't let 'em get down here, baby.
Oh, here, here. Watch that.
You'll go crazy. [ Mumbles]
Huh? Are we conscious?
I am.
I'm not sure about you.
- The Lost Moment.
- Uh, Martin Gabel, 1949.
- '47.
- '47. That's silly of me.
- The Heiress was 1949.
- The- that's Willy Wyler.
- I thought of that because of Henry James.
- Yes.
I want you to get a lot
of rest before you start socializing.
You're a very popular
young fella.
I'll turn around and I'll come back.
You wouldn't understand
the way I feel about Mary Ann...
that she's Donald Duck straws
and Pepsodent toothpaste.