Name... Annie Braddock.
Age... 21.
Area of interest...
anthropology.
Describe your
work experience
as it relates
to your intended field.
My God.
Where do I begin?
Attention. The Museum of Natural History
will be closing in
Please exit the hall
by using
the western staircase.
Child-rearing around the world
boasts a wide variety of
customs and mores.
But perhaps the most bizarre
social patterns
can be found within the small island
community of Manhattan.
Asshole!
The inhabitants of the region
known as the Upper East Side
have the most prosperous,
yet idiosyncratic
social systems
on the planet.
After successfully mating
and producing offspring,
the men are often distant
and uninvolved,
leaving their women
to hunt, gather
and provide for
their families.
Yet the resourceful mothers
of the Upper East Side
have plenty of time
to participate
in a variety of sex-role-
specific activities.
These include
body mutilation,
sacred meditation...
...even fasting rituals.
Which brings us to our focus
on child-rearing:
Who actually does it?
Well, in Africa,
they have a saying...
"It takes a village
to raise a child."
But for the tribe of
the Upper East Side,
it takes just
one person...
the nanny.
Okay, so what's
depicted here
is not a typical
tribal ritual,
but rather the unraveling
of one such nanny.
Actually, this nanny is me.
And why I'm telling off
a teddy bear is the subject
of this field diary.
If by chance my report stereotypes
or geographically profiles,
forgive me.
I'm not exactly
an objective observer.
Master in economics,
minor in communications.
- Yeah!
- Elaine Bassen,
honors in urban planning,
minor in sociology.
Annie Braddock,
high honors in business,
minor in anthropology.
So here I am a few months before
the teddy bear incident...
Whoo-whoo!
...a native New Jersey girl
participating in a dreaded
rite-of-passage ceremony.
- Doh!
Oh my God!
Spazz!
And here's the woman who reared me
pretty much all
by herself.
She's a nurse.
Note the shoes.
What is it?
You'll see.
Oh, wow.
- Thank you.
- I know it's not much,
but I wanted to buy you
your first business suit.
- Thanks. Thank you.
- You can look back on this
- when you're a famous CFO.
- Oh, Mom.
Gosh, come on. It's one meeting
at Goldman Sachs.
It's highly competitive.
I'm probably never gonna get the job.
All right, stop
with the negativity.
Your father was always negative
and look where it got him.
- Double-wide trailer in Scranton.
...in Scranton.
Honey, I'm not kidding.
I would give the world to be sitting
where you're sitting right now.
You are so much
smarter than I was.
No man is gonna
squash your dreams.
No one's gonna tell you
how to live your life.
Maybe I'm... maybe I'm not
CFO material, you know?
No, what if I'm better
suited at something...
- something else?
- Like what?
Anthropology? Honey how are you
gonna make a living at that?
Look, if you really want to
run around in grass skirts,
then make enough money to
spend Christmas at Club Med.
Annie, it's 7:15.
Get moving or
you're gonna be late.
New Jersey PATH train to Manhattan
arriving on track two.
Oh.
New Jersey PATH train
to Manhattan
arriving on track two.
Oh, goodness.
I have to admire
this corporate drag. Wow.
Well, at least I'm not wearing last
night's outfit at 8:00 a.m., party girl.
Let's just say that you
missed a fabulous throw-down
and Tom Waylan was there.
- So?
- He asked about you.
Twice.
All right, well,
I gotta go.
- Real life awaits.
- God.
You know, I bet none of
those cultures you study
practice such
rigorous celibacy.
- You ever hear of the Shakers?
- Yes, and they're extinct.
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
- Yeah?
- I got off at the wrong stop.
Can you tell me where
Chambers Street is, please?
You see the building
with the red umbrella?
- Yes.
- It's about five blocks below that.
Oh shit.
Our financial analyst training program
is so competitive.
We have over 8,000 applicants
for 10 positions.
So, why don't you
tell me,
in your own words,
who exactly is Annie Braddock?
Wow, that's...
that's certainly
an easy enough question.
Mm-hm.
Annie Braddock is
a kind...
well...
I am...
Go on.
Well, you see...
Mm-hm.
I have absolutely
no idea.
Excuse me.
Who is Annie Braddock?
It wasn't exactly
a trick question.
Yet somehow I couldn't
formulate a response.
Of course I knew
all the basic facts...
the date of birth, home town,
socioeconomic makeup.
But I didn't really know
who I was, where I fit in,
who I was gonna be.
I was suddenly terrified
I'd never find the answer.
I need five rolls of fabric
overnighted from London.
I don't care
how much it costs.
# Ooh #
# You're a native
New Yorker... #
How about her?
This woman... could she
be Annie Braddock?
# You should know by now #
# You're a native
New Yorker... #
Hmm.
Or perhaps this
is Annie Braddock?
# You grew up
riding the subways #
# Running with people #
# Up in Harlem,
down on Broadway #
# There you are
lost in the shadows #
# Searching for someone #
# You're the heart and soul
of New York City... #
On that spring afternoon,
it seemed my future
was finally set.
A Central Park bag lady
I would be.
At least I'd finally get
to live in Manhattan.
But before I officially
surrendered to fate,
something... or rather,
someone...
intervened.
Mmm.
- Whoa!
- Ahh ahh!
Hello there.
Hi.
Are you okay?
Get off of me,
you pervert.
Do you belong to anyone,
little man?
Grayer!
- I belong to you.
Grayer!
Oh God.
Thank you so much.
You just averted
a minor disaster.
The woman featured here...
the one wearing
the Dior snakeskin jacket
and Louis Vuitton
shoes...
is unfortunately not
Annie Braddock.
# New York City girl... #
She is, in fact, a perfect
female specimen
from the
Upper East Side clan.
For the purpose of
this case study,
we'll just call her
Mrs. X.
Hi, I'm Mrs. X.
Let me apologize for
my feral son.
Oh, no need to
apologize.
Please, I love kids.
I'm Annie.
You're a nanny?
Oh!
- No, I'm not.
- No wonder.
- You're so good with children.
- Oh, I'm not.
Actually, I just
lost my nanny Bertie,
which is why I'm out in
this godforsaken park
- by myself.
- Okay.
- She left us to go get married.
- All right.
Oh my God.
Are... are you employed?
- No, unfortunately, l...
- Fabulous!
Look, here...
here is my card.
Please please please
call me later this week.
We'll schedule a lunch.
Anywhere you'd like to go.
- I'm sorry...
- The Mark, the Four Seasons.
Unfortunately, I have to run, but I
really look forward to hearing from you.
I'm sorry... I really think
you misunderstood me.
I have a very
good feeling about this.
- I...
- Call me.
Pardon me, I couldn't
help but overhear.
I'm looking for
a new nanny too.
- Oh I...
- Can I give you my card as well?
- Excuse me?
- I pay well above average.
- I have a card too, call me.
- I have a place in the Hamptons.
Donald Trump lives
in my building.
It seemed that fate now
offered me a wonderful alternative...
an opportunity to completely
duck out of my life.
So I decided for
one summer
to abandon Annie
and trade her in for
a brand-new persona...
Nanny.
Of course there was
one tiny problem.
Everything I knew about
nannying came from the movies.
Even so, I fell
asleep confident
that I'd magically
find my way.
Annie?
Annie!
Annie?
Ahh-hoo-hoo!
Get your feet
on the ground, young lady.
Hmm.
The fact that I had
no child-care experience
mattered little to the matriarchs
of the Upper East Side.
Even though I
don't have a job,
I just don't seem to have
enough time for myself.
All they needed
to know was that I was white,
a college grad,
and terminally single.
As you can see,
my husband and I
are getting a divorce.
So you and the kids
must remain
on my side of
the apartment
at all times...
until the custody
battle is settled.
Oh...
In short, I was the Chanel
bag of nannies.
I heard through the grapevine
you've been meeting
with a lot of people.
So I thought you might appreciate
a civilized lunch at Bergdorf's
rather than being
interviewed at the apartment.
Thank you,
that's very considerate.
Not really.
I just love to eat out.
I'll probably come up
with a million excuses
for us to go have lunch.
I mean, if you end up
with us, I mean.
Ready?
Do... do you know
what you're having?
I don't mean
to rush you,
but I'm attending a 2:00 lecture
"Super Mom, Trying to Juggle It All."
I'll just have the burger.
Thanks.
I can't guarantee
that the meat here
is antibiotic-free.
But the chef here is from Brittany,
so I highly recommend the crepe
Bretagne. Deux, s'il vous plait.
- Okay.
- Excellent choice.
Thanks.
You're from New Jersey.
Unfortunately.
Oh no, there are some very
lovely parts of that state.
Friends of ours have a horse
farm in Upper Saddle River.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
l... I hear it's
really nice there.
I'll have to take you
riding there one day.
Okay.
Tell me more.
I want to know
all about you.
- Uh...
- I'm from Connecticut, actually.
I went to Smith.
And don't believe the rumors,
we weren't all
lesbians.
After graduation,
I moved here and started
running the Gagosian.
The art gallery.
- Oh.
- It was a blast.
But you really... you can't
do that sort of thing
when you're raising a child.
The parties,
the schmoozing, the travel...
Oh, excuse me...
- Oh.
- Bitsy.
- It's you.
- Bitsy.
I've so been
meaning to call.
Is there anything
at all I can do?
Not unless you
know a hit man.
That lawyer Jeanie Whitman
recommended was no help at all.
I am so sorry.
Turns out all our assets
are actually in Tucker's company's name.
All I'm getting
is a million flat.
That's appalling.
If I'd known it would go this far,
I would have just turned a blind eye.
Anyway, enjoy the rest
of your lunch before I ruin that too.
I'll call you later
this week, sweetheart.
Such a shame.
But she should have seen it
coming... everyone else did.
Anyway, where were we?
Ah yes.
After Gagosian,
I met Mr. X.
You know, my grandmother
worked as a domestic
so we wouldn't have to.
And here you are,
fresh out of college
voluntarily taking
a nanny gig.
I told you, this is not
a lifelong commitment.
Okay? It's just a way
for me to get my head together.
Besides,
the money is great.
I finally get to
move to the city.
I'm moving to the city
to go to grad school,
not to be somebody's
servant.
Plus you know you're wrong,
or you wouldn't be lying to your mother.
This is all just
happening too fast.
I don't understand why you can't
just live at the house for a while,
just to get on your feet.
Mom, I lived at home through
four years of college.
Don't you think
that's long enough?
Well, how could you find
a decent apartment so fast?
The bank has, you know,
an excellent program.
They got me hooked up with
a trainee, which is great.
I'm getting in
the car.
Can I come with you?
I would feel a lot better if I could
at least see where you were living.
Come on. The other
trainees, you know,
they went to fancy
boarding schools
and European exchange
programs.
I show up with my mom,
I'll just look like a big dork.
Guess that makes sense.
Come here.
I love you.
Let me know the minute
I can visit you.
I'll call you when
I get there, okay?
#Freedom, freedom... #
Hey, you're gonna
get me a ticket.
# Freedom #
# You got to give
what you take... #
- You're crazy.
- # Freedom #
- # Freedom... #
- Sing it again.
# Freedom #
#You got to give what you take. #
I love that song.
I'm telling you, like the bees,
you're free, girl.
That's okay, I'll
take care of it, miss.
Oh, thank you.
I can't believe this.
I could get used to this.
- I'm telling you that.
- Thank God I'm getting a shrink degree.
You know, I love you,
but you're harsh.
A little bit.
Just give me a hug.
Mwah! I'll see
you soon, I'm sure.
Annie?
You know the path
of least resistance?
It can lead through
a minefield.
Oh, hi.
You are the new nanny?
Yes, and you must
be Maria.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hmm.
Can I come in?
Okay.
Leave it there.
The floor is clean.
Mmm.
Wow.
This place is
incredible.
I hope you last longer
than the last one.
Who, Bertie?
Oh yeah.
Mrs. X told me that she
left to get married.
Married? She had one date
and she get fired.
Oh, Maria? Are you gonna tell
Mrs. X that I've arrived?
Mrs. X is shopping.
But she left you
a note on the table.
Now I have to go run
the vacuum, okay?
Ay...
"Dear Nanny,
welcome!"
Please make note that from here on in,
I'm referred to as "Nanny" by all
the people in the Xs' social network.
I'm so excited to have you onboard.
Please make yourself
completely at home.
Manuel is making you
your own set of keys.
Mmm.
- You should have them by tomorrow.
The fridge
is well-stocked.
Tofu cutlets?
- Ugh.
- Help yourself to anything.
Yuck.
Sorry I could not
be there to meet you
but I'm trying to squeeze
in a little shopping
before my
Parents' Society meeting,
which reminds me...
please pick Grayer up
from the Christian preschool...
- Wow!
...at 2:15 sharp.
It's extremely important
not to be late.
Ooh.
As you can see,
I have attached a list
of basic house rules.
Hello, Manolo.
- We believe it's important
to maintain some sense
of structure in our home
for Grayer's sake.
Rule number one:
Grayer and his playmates
are never allowed
- in the master bedroom.
- Oops.
Of course, you should refrain from
entering our bedroom as well.
Rule number two:
Grayer is never allowed
to nap during the day.
No naps?
This throws his sleeping
schedule completely off.
And I prefer him tired
when I get home.
Rule number three:
- we just had the walls redone.
- Mm-hm.
Please keep Grayer from
rubbing up against them.
- Oh!
- Rule number four:
if school is
ever canceled,
the following nonstructured
outings are permissible...
the Met,
the Morgan Library,
the French
Culinary Institute,
the New York
Stock Exchange.
Rule number five!
- we do not take
the subway because of germs.
Oh God.
Grayer still must
be in a stroller
- when crossing Park or Madison.
- Blah blah blah.
Grayer maintains
a high-soy
organic diet.
Rule number eight:
practice French with Grayer
at least three times a week.
His father wants him to
attend Collegiate
where he's currently
wait-listed.
French?
Holy merde.
His acceptance is
a top priority.
Mon Dieu.
Nanny?
Nanny?
- What are you doing?
- The note said
to pick up Grayer
from school at 2:15.
Hm.
And it's only...
it's only 1:00.
So I was a little sweaty from moving
and I thought that I would, you know...
What I mean is, what are you
doing in that bathtub?
And why are your bags
strewn all over
the guest room?
I thought that
was my room.
No.
No, Nanny.
This is your room.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, this is...
very sweet.
Hmm.
I'm sorry.
Do you have the time?
So they'll be getting out
anytime now?
- 2:45.
- I'm sorry?
They get out
every day at 2:45.
Dumbass.
It quickly became clear
that Mrs. X had arranged
for me to arrive everywhere
torturously early.
Get ready, ladies.
Here they come.
Grayer?
Grayer?
- Grayer X?
- Who is it you're looking for?
- Grayer.
- I know that one.
He plays with my
wee monster, Darwin.
- Hy-ya!
- Ow!
Oh, Grayer,
there you are.
Hey, little man,
you remember me?
Yes, and I hate you!
What? Come on, we get
along great, remember?
Like when we met
in Central Park?
Let me get
your backpack.
Stop. Grayer, stop.
Help, police! She's hurting me!
- They usually start out that way.
- Yes.
- Danger, danger!
- Just be patient, eh?
- Let me put you in your stroller, okay?
- It'll get easier.
- Hang on one second.
- I'm too big for a stroller!
- Grayer!
- Help!
- Grayer!
- Police.
Grayer!
Grayer!
Grayer!
Come here!
- I hate you, I want Bertie!
- I know, honey.
I know you want Bertie.
Bertie had to leave to get married
or go on a date
or something, okay?
But I promise, we're gonna have a lot
of fun together, honestly.
All right? Now let me see how handsome
you look in your uniform.
What's that?
- Oh.
- Don't touch that!
It belongs to my daddy!
I hate you. I want Bertie.
Grayer.
Already, one had to wonder...
what kind of culture would
turn a father's business card
into a security blanket?
Here we are.
Home sweet home.
First mission accomplished.
Grayer, get up off the floor.
It's very dirty.
Nuh-uh.
I have an idea.
Why don't we race
to the front door?
Okay, last one there is
a rotten egg.
I'm not stupid.
You're just gonna let me win.
No, I am a mighty
good runner, mister.
- Not with your pants down.
- Oh my God!
Oh shit!
The stroller!
Shit!
Grayer!
You said a curse.
I'm telling Mommy.
Grayer, I am not kidding.
Open this door right now.
- Maria!
- Touch my fingers.
- Ow!
- I am not letting go...
...until you open the door!
Ow!
Pardon me.
I think this belongs
to Grayer.
Rode the elevator to
the 12th floor.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sorry, we're having a little
bit of a situation here.
By the way, my name's...
Since my job required a vow of chastity,
it was essential that
I avoided all intimacies,
especially first names.
For the purpose of
this field diary,
let's just call him
Harvard Hottie.
I'm the Xs' new nanny.
- Oh.
- Very new, as you can probably tell.
I'm taking off all my clothes.
Seems to be popular
on this floor.
Mind if I take a crack
at him for you?
Be my guest.
Hey, Grayer,
it's your pal from upstairs.
Hey, would you be a sport
and unlock the door?
It's not nice to
lock people out.
Please, buddy?
- Hey.
- Why are you here?
Oh, I'm just helping out
my new friend.
Annie.
Annie.
Annie the nanny.
She's your friend?
Yes, she's my friend.
Isn't she your friend too?
Not yet.
- Thank you.
- Anytime.
Suddenly the world's
most notorious loner
had two new men
in her life.
Unfortunately, I knew that
the big one was off-limits.
Based on my observations,
guys like Harvard Hottie
only slum it when they're in college.
So, instead of
following my heart,
I focused on finding a way
into Grayer's.
Grayer, stop it.
# Why can't we
be friends? #
Befriending Grayer
certainly wasn't easy.
La la la la la la!
But then again, Margaret Mead
didn't run home every time
- she contracted malaria.
- Whoa!
You're in trouble!
I thought this job
was supposed to be
a way to get
your head together?
Two weeks in and you already sound
depressed, dejected and paranoid.
You forgot to mention
malnourished.
I swear, all these people eat
is bean curd and seltzer.
Ew.
I mean, even the ice cream
is made out of tofu.
So why don't you come down
and have dinner with us then?
My new roomie's
making gumbo.
It's not gumbo.
It's Creole bouillabaisse.
I don't get it.
You move to the city and overnight
your life becomes "Will & Grace."
I'm here, knee-deep in...
Shit. It's probably my mom.
She's the only one
who has this number.
Bye.
- Hello?
- Annie?
- Hi.
- My God.
An entire week has gone by
and you haven't called me back.
Mom, I told you I was gonna
be so busy with work.
Oh come on.
You can't find five minutes
to call
your worried mother?
How are you, honey?
How's the job?
How's the apartment?
God, everything
is just perfect.
I mean, the job
is a dream.
A little challenging.
So rewarding though.
And the apartment is
just incredible.
- Yeah?
- And my roommate could not be nicer.
Nanny, in the morning,
I need you to stop at Tiffany's
and pick up Mr. X's watch.
Then I need you to Xerox
the recommendation letters
for Grayer's Collegiate
application.
Also, I was thinking, we should
introduce French food into his diet.
It might enhance his study
of the language. So tomorrow night,
why don't you make him
coquilles St. Jacques for dinner, hmm?
- Annie?
- Dry cleaning.
Who was that,
your roommate?
Mom, I have to go.
I have some work stuff to take care of.
Wait a minute.
I want to make a plan to visit.
Ann...
Hi, ladies.
So I took Madison to
the doctor this morning.
She had grown three
inches in six months.
You take her to
the doctor too?
Darling, I do everything.
My job is a type C.
- Mmm.
- Type C? What's type C?
Oh Jesus.
Okay, newbie.
Pay attention, honey.
Basically,
there's three types of nanny gigs.
Okay, type A,
you provide "couple time"
a few nights a week
for women who work all day
and parent at night.
Type B, you provide
"sanity time,"
every afternoon, right,
to a woman who mothers in
the mornings and the evenings.
And type C,
the most common,
you provide 24-7
"me time"
to the woman who neither
works nor mothers.
So, which one are you?
I am type C,
no question.
Although when I started I had no idea.
I thought it would be
a kind of fun and easy job.
You'd think
a college graduate
would choose a job
a little more wisely.
Actually, this job
kind of chose me.
Chose you?
Please, child.
I left my country
because I thought I could give my boy
and my sick mother a better life.
I was supposed to be here
two or three years tops.
And while I've been raising
these strangers' children,
my own child has grown up
without a mother.
That's how this job
chose me.
Half a tablespoon
of tarragon.
That's dried.
I like fresh.
Well, you know what?
Dried's all we got, okay, kiddo?
I hate coquilles dry.
I want sushi.
Well, then tell your mother
you want to learn Japanese.
Mmm!
Okay.
Ah!
I'm telling Mommy.
You're in trouble.
Okay.
That's it.
No, Mommy says they're full
of high-fructose corn syrup.
Well, what mommy doesn't know
won't hurt her, okay, Mr. Tattletale?
Eat it.
Go on.
Right out of the jar.
It's okay.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- It's yummy, isn't it?
- This is fun.
Yeah?
This is fun. This is fun.
And this fun meal has to
be our little secret, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, you know, we can do
lots of fun things.
We just have to be friends
and we have to trust each other.
- Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
Maybe you should have
a secret name too?
- You want a secret name?
- Yeah, I want a secret name.
Okay.
How about Sponge Bob?
- No, silly.
- No?
All right, what about...
what about Grover?
Grover,
I love Grover.
You do?
All right. Grover it is.
Where's my little munchkin?
- Daddy! Daddy's home.
- Huh?
- Yay, Daddy. Daddy's home.
- I hear him, I hear him.
- Daddy!
- Oh, there he is!
Oh my goodness, I'm sorry.
Are you a little monster?
Remember what happens
to little monsters?
- Come here for a minute.
- No, Daddy!
You remember?
What's wrong with you?
- Daddy!
- Come here for a minute.
You get viciously tickled.
You remember that?
- Daddy, stop it.
- Huh? Hey.
- You my little superstar?
- Yeah.
Are you? Are you gonna
take over the world?
Come on, answer me.
You gonna take over the world?
- Yes.
- And when are you gonna do it?
- Next year.
- Next year's not soon enough.
Well, you must be Mr. X.
I'm the new nanny.
Yeah. Keep him
quiet tonight, will you?
I've got a merger
I'm working on.
I don't get some
decent shut-eye tonight,
somebody around here's
gonna be accountable.
Daddy, come see
my dinosaur!
- Daddy's got work to do, buddy.
- Please?
Hey, Grayer, don't...
don't be sad. It's okay.
Daddy's just tired.
Grover.
Hey, you want to
finish our fun meal?
Come on!
Yeah.
# Frre Jacques #
# Frre Jacques #
# Dormez vous,
dormez vous #
# Sonnez les matines,
sonnez les matines. #
Nanny?
Yeah, Grover?
You'll never leave me
like Bertie, will you?
- Grover, you know I...
- Promise?
I'm not going anywhere.
You know that, right, honey?
Right, Grove?
# Oh beautiful... #
Dear Nanny,
please remember that
today is the 4th of July family party
at Mr. X's office.
It probably slipped your mind
that costumes are required,
so I took it upon myself
to have some delivered.
- This is itchy.
- I know, sweetheart.
Why do we have to
dress up?
Freedom, Grove.
It's all in the name
of freedom.
Hey, guys.
- Who is that?
- That's the nanny, dear.
- You've met her.
- What happened to Louisa?
That was two nannies
ago, silly.
- Yeah.
- Daddy, I'm George Washington.
- Okay.
- Tickle me.
No, I understand that,
Dan, because the bastard's selling low.
- Please!
- Grayer, come on, buddy.
Cut it out, sit down.
- Yes yes, we're coming.
- No, it's just my kid.
- We're coming.
- Right.
- Well no, that's what I was thinking...
- You want me to call...
Where's my card! Daddy!
- Your what?
Where's my card!
Oh, I wanna go home!
Hey, smile, Grove.
We're gonna go to a party.
That's not my card.
Where's my card?
Would you get off that phone
and tell the nanny to
give him his damn card?
Nanny?
Turn the car around.
- Talk to the nanny, please.
- Nanny, go back and get the card.
Hold the elevator!
I'm sorry.
It's okay, don't be.
At least I'm fully dressed this time.
So...
I'm so sorry.
It's not funny.
I don't mean to be laughing.
You look very
patriotic.
- Yeah.
- Let me hit your floor.
Oh, that's okay.
I got it.
Didn't grow up with the staff
doing everything for me,
- so...
- Neither did I.
Really? You must have had
it really rough then.
Okay, well, I'm glad
to give you a good laugh.
My husband and I are
taking our second honeymoon
in Provence.
# When I dance they
call me Macarena #
# And the boys,
they say that I'm buena #
# They all want me,
they can't have me #
# So they all come
and dance beside me #
# Move with me,
jam with me... #
I'm looking for Mr. X.
Have you seen him?
No, sorry.
Wouldn't know him if I did.
# Macarena,
hey, Macarena... #
Grove, come on. What is wrong?
Why won't you shake your booty?
'Cause I have to
make a doodie.
Oh.
Come on.
Hey, Grover, I think
the bathroom's the other way.
- My daddy has one in his office.
- Yeah?
- I wanna go to my daddy's bathroom.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- Why is Daddy tickling that lady?
I'm sorry.
Grayer just had to use
the bathroom.
So use it already.
Hello, Grayer.
Remember me?
I work with your daddy
in the Chicago office.
Let go.
I have to make a doodie.
Oh.
So, you must
be the nanny.
Uh, yes, I...
I'll get out of your...
I'll wait in the hall.
So sorry.
Grayer, hurry up.
Your mom's coming.
Sweetie, did Grayer hear
from the waiting-list committee yet?
No, why?
Oh, I'm sure it
doesn't mean anything,
but the Bairds did
and Darwin got in.
Please don't say anything about
Collegiate or Darwin to my husband.
Sure.
- Oh, hi, pumpkin.
- There you are.
Oh, you've met before
in Chicago, right?
- Yes, hello.
- Lovely to see you.
- Nice to see you as well.
- Excuse me. Thanks again.
- Mm-hm.
- Where have you been?
Making calls.
Where's the chow?
- The entire time?
- Yeah.
Male monogamy remains an elusive,
yet much
mythologized practice
throughout the world.
In many Bedouin tribes,
powerful men are encouraged
to take multiple wives.
In contemporary France,
mistresses are de rigueur
and quietly tolerated.
But for the women
of the Upper East Side,
adultery is
pathologically ignored.
Nobody warned me we were going
to have a therapy session.
It's just that I didn't
see you at all at the party.
Well, I was trying to
sneak in a little work.
Okay? Forgive me
for making a living.
But everybody else
was participating.
Everybody else doesn't pull
down what I do every year.
I had my family there
and I was present and accounted for.
So now, you know, I would really
appreciate a moment of peace and quiet.
'Cause frankly,
I'm exhausted.
Bonjour, Pierre.
Bonjour.
Comment allez-vous?
Bien, merci.
Et vous?
Ah, comme ci comme a.
Okay, I got
a great idea.
Let's pretend that
we're in a cave.
You know what, Nanny?
What, Grove?
I love you best.
The other nannies
had warned me about this very moment,
the moment when you'll
be tempted to break
the cardinal rule
of nannydom.
And yet, staring into those big,
sad, searching eyes,
I simply couldn't resist.
I love you too, Grove.
Three little words made leaving
this job 1,000 times harder.
...hear a thing I have to say!
I know that you work hard.
I just think
that if... if we're
gonna have more children...
Well, maybe you should
focus on the one you already have.
'Cause you can barely
handle him as it is.
Why are you
so cruel to me?
- Why?
- Why are you so cruel?
Because I cannot take
the additional pressure.
You know something? I think that
I am going to go out to Chicago
- until this merger is finished.
- Will you stop it, please?
And I certainly hope that
you're in a better mood...
- Please, stop it.
...when I come back. All right?
If I come back!
Nanny, this is yours,
is it not?
Uh... no, l...
no, I don't know
what that is.
It was in our laundry.
It is not mine,
it is not Mr. X's,
so it has to be yours,
right?
Right?
Yes, it's mine.
Please don't leave your personal items
lying around the house again.
l... I won't.
- I promise. I'm sorry.
- Apology accepted.
I don't mean...
to be a control freak.
It's... it's just that when Mr. X
is in the middle of a big deal,
it can be very hard on me.
I understand.
How is Grayer doing?
Grayer?
He's... he's fine.
He's great.
That's good to hear.
He really is
a wonderful child, isn't he?
He's the best.
He's...
he's such a sweet...
Okay, good night then.
Dear Nanny, I know it's Sunday
and you requested
a day off,
but I desperately need
to sleep in.
I have a very long
afternoon today
tasting caterers
for our benefit,
"Conga for the Congo."
Please don't wake me
unless Mr. X calls
from Chicago.
And most importantly,
find a way to
keep the boy quiet.
Why don't they just
muzzle the kid already?
What's a muzzle?
Scrambled for you
and Cheerios for the boy.
Mommy doesn't allow me
to eat sugar cereal.
Cheerios are sugar-free.
Low in sugar isn't
the same as sugar-free.
Grover, just eat it.
Is that caffeinated?
Mommy doesn't
use caffeine.
That's because Mommy
sleeps till noon.
Perhaps it might be a nice morning
to do something
educational with Grayer,
like the Pissarro show
at the Guggenheim.
Mommy said you're supposed to take
me to her favorite museum,
the "Guggyheiny."
Well, since today was
supposed to be my day off,
we're gonna go to my favorite,
the Museum of Natural History.
- Isn't that on the West Side?
- Yeah, so?
I'm not allowed to go on the West Side.
That's a rule.
Well, today just happens to
be break-the-rules day.
Oh.
Hi.
Two please.
Hey, you know what
the biggest word in America is?
What?
Anti...
antidisestablishmentarianism.
Hey, that's pretty good,
Grove.
Actually, I know
a longer word.
- There is no longer word.
- Yes, there is.
Supercalifragilistic-
expialidocious.
Wow.
What does that mean?
Come on inside.
Let me show you.
"The apatosaurus, formerly
known as the brontosaurus,
is from a family of
enormous herbivores."
Herbivores means
vegetarian.
Like Mommy,
you know?
What's that over there?
That is the T-rex.
- Is that one like Mommy too?
- Hmm.
I wish my ancestors
made totem poles.
Well, they did.
That one looks just like you.
It does.
Well, that guy has
a big...
It's hanging.
Cool.
What are they?
They're a Matis
family.
They live in
the Amazon.
Which one's the nanny?
She has the day off. Things are
different in that part of the world.
And Nanny, one last thing
before you take
the rest of the day off:
Do you think you could
manage a quick shop for me?
- I'll help.
- No, it's okay, Grayer.
Don't.
Grayer, don't... don't!
God!
Mommy!
What a mess.
Really, Nanny, I don't know
why you didn't leave all this
downstairs with Manuel
to store.
I mean, am I supposed to have this lying
around the apartment till the benefit?
No no no, of course not. l... I'm gonna
bring it down to him right now.
There's no time now.
I need you to get ready for the Nanny
Conflict Resolution Seminar
at the Parents' Society.
I totally forgot
it was this evening.
Um...
Mrs. X, I...
don't know
if you remember,
but l... I was supposed
to have the evening off.
And I made plans.
The entire point of
the seminar
is that everybody
brings their nanny.
Are you suggesting
I attend it alone?
Huh-uh. No.
I was just...
I was confused.
So, I will
cancel my plans.
I'd appreciate it.
Does anyone have
an extra diaper I can use?
Stop eating them boogers!
Grayer, no nudity.
Please.
Of course you feel anxiety
when leaving
your kids with strangers.
You're moms.
Okay...
now what I would
love to do
is bring in
the nannies.
Linda, Gillian, would you
mind monitoring the children
so that the nannies can
join us in here?
Okay, listen, I want to see
you all here next week.
The seminar is called
"Sexy Mom, Happy Mom."
It's gonna be
a hot one.
Nannies, we're ready.
Right this way, ladies.
All right, here they are...
the nannies!
Wonderful. Come on in.
Just... just file against this wall.
Just squeeze in.
But... but be comfortable.
Terrific.
Now that we're all together,
I think it's time to address
the reason for this seminar:
improving nanny-mom
communication.
To begin, I would like
a mom volunteer
to offer the group
one particular example
of failed communication
with your nanny.
Most of them
barely speak English.
- That's the problem.
- Okay, you.
My nanny keeps on singing
religious songs to Parker
even though I have told her
time and time again that we're agnostic.
And what's worse,
every time I confront her
she flatly denies it,
even after I provided her
with evidence
from the Nanny Cam.
Nanny Cam?
I thought that was an urban myth.
That's my nanny over there.
Will you please ask her
if she's trying to convert my child?
No. Right now we're
just hearing issues.
Okay. Next I would like
to hear from a nanny.
Can I have a nanny
volunteer?
Anyone?
Por favor?
Come on,
don't be shy.
We won't bite.
Okay, how about you,
young lady?
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
Can you share with the group
one particular grievance
that you might have
about your job?
Come on.
No no, l-l...
I love my job.
I do. I feel...
I feel kinda lucky.
Oh, that's very nice,
but neither helpful
nor productive.
So can you please offer
the class something useful? Come on.
- Well...
- Yeah?
It would be nice to
have a night off, I guess.
Uh-huh.
We... we have been a little
preoccupied with our benefit.
But all she has to do
is ask.
Uh-huh-huh-huh.
See, ladies?
Conflict resolved.
- I'm taking him.
- Oh no, I can take him.
- No, it's all right.
- No, I can... I can take him.
Nanny, please.
I want you to go out.
It's only 9:00.
You clearly wanted the evening off.
No... no, you must be
exhausted, let me put him to bed.
We'll manage fine.
Here.
Have a blast.
I just don't understand it.
l... I just don't understand
how someone can have everything
and still be...
so miserable.
Anyway...
remember I was telling you
I went to this orientation mixer thingy?
I met this guy who
likes the same exact...
It's like she dumps all of her problems
with her husband onto me.
It's called denial.
Okay, like the river.
And you obviously have
become her enabler.
What? What the hell
is that supposed to mean?
It means, can you stop talking about
this woman for five minutes please?
Well, I'm sorry I'm boring you, Lynette,
but this is my life right now.
I have a life too,
in case you haven't noticed.
And I'm starting to think
you and that lady
are kindred spirits.
You know what? NYU should give you
your diploma right now.
- You've got all the answers.
- Okay okay.
Okay, let's forget that...
forget that.
Can we at least try
to have a good time?
Since you did drag me
above 14th Street.
Mmh.
Come on, Annie.
This place,
you have to admit,
it's...
hmm, tired.
Look at these guys
over there.
They don't have
any piercings,
no tattoos.
I mean...
Oh my God.
- We have to go right now.
- Wha... why?
- Wait a minute.
- The guy I told you about is here.
Harvard Hottie?
- Mmm.
- Which one? Which one, where?
Yankees cap, blue shirt,
blue blood.
Mmm.
He is gorgeous.
Yeah, okay, let's go.
No no no, are you out of your mind?
You kidding me?
No, I'm out of
my league, okay?
Let's go.
Oops.
What the hell
are you doing?
Oh my God, I know that girl.
Annie!
Annie!
Come on, have a drink
with him already.
I told you, I can't
date on the job.
Are you gonna use this job as an excuse
for everything or what?
Say hello
to the nice fella.
- Hey.
- Guys, this is Annie.
I don't know your name.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, Lynette.
- Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you.
Some buddies from high school...
this is Carter, Jojo,
- John, Kenny, Reggie.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sit, grab a chair.
- Oh no, we can't.
- We'd love to.
Yeah.
So, girls, tell us,
how do you know our boy here?
Oh, I really don't know him.
He's Annie's friend.
I know him from work.
Oh yeah?
What kind of work do you do?
Model?
- Stewardess?
- Escort?
She works for someone
in my building.
Oh.
Actually, I'm a nanny.
A nanny?
Dude!
You didn't tell us
you knew a nanny.
That is so porno.
- Are the moms hot?
- Guys.
- Are you hot for the dads?
- Are the dads hot for you?
- Hey, come on.
- You want to know about the dads?
I'll tell you about
the dads.
They're chubby, bald,
steak-eating,
cigar-smoking,
type-A pigs
who get more turned on by the Bloomberg
Wire than they do by any hot nannies.
Actually, it's all of you
in about five years.
Enjoy tonight,
because your future looks
pretty fucking bleak.
- Wait.
- God!
Stupid stupid.
You have two new messages.
Hey, Annie, it's me,
the... the big jerk
from the bar.
- What?
- Listen...
in case you're wondering,
your friend Lynette
- gave me your home number.
- Ex-friend.
I obviously owe you
a major apology.
Please just don't judge me
by my loser friends.
- Mm-hm.
- They were pretty hammered.
Anyway, I want you to
give me an opportunity
to redeem myself
by taking you out.
And I'm warning you,
I won't take no for an answer.
I know where you live, so I'll camp out
at your door if I have to.
You really might as well
just get this over with.
And if you really hate me
after that...
I'll... I'll never
ask you again.
Okay, I'm sorry to ramble.
If I don't hear from you,
I'll ride the elevator
till I find you.
Bye.
I am so screwed.
Annie, it's your mother.
Look, I'm sorry that I didn't
call last night, okay?
I had a really late night.
But about tonight...
Okay, you know what?
I don't want to hear it. I'm coming.
- I am coming.
- All right, fine.
Fine... okay, let me...
let me just call you
after this play date, okay?
Play date?
What the hell is a play date?
- Oh shit.
- You said a curse!
Um, you know, Mom.
A play date...
it's the meeting of
preliminary investment schedules.
Look, I'll call you
later, okay?
All right. Bye.
Who lives here?
Some kid named Jefferson.
Your mom found him
with the Park Avenue play-date service.
Hi, y'all.
I'm Jefferson's
mama Tanya.
Come on in.
We're baking a cake.
Oh my God.
Come on, y'all!
I pretend to be
Jefferson's nanny.
But I was really hired
to watch her.
Yoo-hooo!
And this is what she's
like after Betty Ford.
- Oh!
- Doesn't her husband care?
- Whoo!
- He's 75. She's an ex-showgirl.
He's not complaining
about anything.
Frosting fun!
Yay!
I want to come here every day.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
And what is all over you?
Annie, will you tell me
what the hell is going on?
All right, listen up, people.
This is my apartment.
And my roommate Lisa
is away
on... on business.
You are... oh,
just visiting.
- He is...
- Lynette's new boyfriend.
- Fine.
- I love your friends.
What twisted game
are we playing here?
We're playing the
my-mom-is-coming-over-
and-if-she-finds-out-I'm-a-nanny-
then-I'm-screwed game.
I love it. Hey, should I whip up
a fondue for Mom?
Um, well, you know what?
If you're gonna play it straight,
I would make it meatloaf.
I'm gonna borrow this.
That's my dress.
You can't borrow that dress.
It's a terrible dress.
Fondue?
Go get my dress.
Oh boy, Calvin.
Thank you so much. That looks delicious.
It's so festively
presented too.
So, how did you
and Lynette meet?
Annie's roommate Lisa
introduced us.
It's a shame
she's not here.
I used to
date her too.
Really?
So...
don't you just love
Annie's new place?
- Mm-hm.
- We do.
We're here all the time.
Yeah, I think it's very...
very interesting.
- It's a little small, but...
- Mmm.
...it's a fine
steppingstone, honey.
It's work.
I'll take that.
Well, certainly
keeping her busy.
- Very busy.
- Mm-hm.
- Busy bee.
- Relentlessly.
- Round the clock.
- Hello?
This isn't a brontosaurus.
You don't know anything.
Oh, Grayer!
Please!
It is yoga hour
and Mommy's on the phone.
Hello?
Yes, hi.
It's me.
l... I know that I agreed
to let you
visit your grandmother in
the hospital tonight,
but I feel I need to remind you
that tomorrow is Grayer's birthday.
What? How can that be?
His party isn't until next month.
Well, we scheduled it
that way on purpose
because the party planner
I wanted wasn't available.
Neither was my husband.
But as it turns out,
Mr. X is coming home
for two days from Chicago,
so we're planning a small
family celebration.
Oh that's lovely.
Grayer couldn't ask for a better gift.
And then afterwards,
we'll all head over to the Carlyle
for a more formal
affair with friends.
Obviously, I do expect
you to attend.
Okay, all right.
So you will need to dress
appropriately.
- Right.
- Anyway...
since you are not
around to help,
- I've taken care of everything.
- Mommy, play!
Thank you.
Also, some roses
arrived for you.
- Roses?
- Yes, very curious.
The card says,
"Accept my apology,
or else."
Oh, that's crazy Grandpa.
He...
he didn't visit
Grandma last night
and we just
let him have it.
Well, you know how Grayer
is around pollen.
So, I'll have to
throw them out.
Annie?
- Oh, okay.
Well, you know,
I am going to...
hang up because
the pacemaker isn't on.
So I'll see you
in the morning.
Oh gosh.
- Honey?
- Yeah?
- Are you okay?
- Mm-hm.
Perfect.
Dessert?
This is of vital importance,
are you aware of that?
I don't think right now
is the time.
You have absolutely no idea
how disappointed I am.
Clowns are supposed to be funny.
Well, they're
French clowns, Grove.
I hate them and
I hate my birthday.
...in order to clean up your mess!
Do not interrupt me.
Now you told me
that the extra year of preschool
would guarantee him
a spot.
Today he's six.
What's your plan now?
I'll be back, okay?
We should try to be calm.
My brother's kids got in.
...that isn't enough of a humiliation.
I will not tolerate
- at this point...
- There are mimes in the next room.
- I suggest you keep your voice down.
- You know what?
Hey.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I want to know why
you threw my flowers away.
I found them
in the stairwell.
I didn't throw them away, okay?
My lunatic employer did.
And if you don't get out of here right
now, she's gonna throw me out too.
- Okay?
- Not until you agree to see me.
What?
This has got to stop.
Come on, one date.
That's all I'm asking here.
Oh, fine fine, okay?
After work on Thursday. Go go.
Nanny.
Before we head over
to the Carlyle,
I would like you to know
why Mr. X is so upset.
It seems that Grayer was
rejected for admission to Collegiate.
Um...
I'm very sorry.
- That must be upsetting.
- Not upsetting.
Unacceptable.
Stop it!
Get away from me!
- Oh, sweetheart.
Don't be afraid.
They're only clowns.
- I hate them.
- They're nice French clowns.
They scare me!
Grayer, go to your mommy.
- Huh-uh.
- Go to your mommy, Grayer.
- Go.
- No.
Go on, sweetheart.
As I was saying, Nanny,
we feel that you are not
spending enough time
on educational activities
with our son.
Therefore we have decided
to hire a consultant
to fully research
the situation.
He will demand extra
time from you this week...
Whatever's best for Grayer.
...starting Thursday evening.
Do you read to the child
from "The Wall Street Journal"?
"Financial Times"?
"Granta"?
l... I sing to him
in French.
Well, we need more time
than I thought
to get to
the bottom of this.
I know.
I know, I'm very very late.
I'm sorry.
Did you get my message?
- Yep. All six of 'em.
- I couldn't get out of work.
The consultant kept me forever.
It was horrible.
Yeah, well, not only
did I lose the reservation,
but the kitchen
is now closed. So...
Okay.
I'm sorry I was late.
Um... sometimes
these things just...
don't work out, okay?
Wait, whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Think you can just get
rid of me that easily?
No, it's not about
getting rid of you.
It's just that no place around here
stays open this late. That's all.
Actually, I know
the perfect place.
Pretty good, huh?
Number one slice
on the Upper East Side.
It's not bad.
I'll tell you what though...
it doesn't touch the Jersey Shore.
Well, if you're such
a pizza connoisseur,
there's a really great
place in Italian Harlem.
I'll take you there
sometime.
Harlem?
I have a hard time
imagining you in Harlem.
Why? I enjoy
exploring my city.
Something you should
probably do more of.
Oh, thank you.
I'll try to squeeze that in between
cleaning up Grayer's vomit
and picking up
Mrs. X's laundry.
Come on, if your job is that bad,
why don't you just quit?
I mean, it's not like you're on
a career path here.
I don't understand.
No, of course
you don't understand.
You've obviously lived
a very charmed life
growing up on Fifth Avenue.
You went to Harvard.
A charmed life?
Okay. Now I get it.
You know, for your
information
my mother died
when I was four.
My father traveled
constantly for work.
I was raised by
nine different nannies
until I was old enough
to get shipped off to boarding school.
That's how charmed
my life was.
- I'm really sorry.
- But you know something?
I still think I turned out
to be a pretty decent guy
in spite of it all.
I guess I'm officially
an asshole.
Well...
asshole is a pretty
strong word.
I would have gone
with jerk or bonehead.
But that's just
my prep school upbringing.
I don't know, you know,
I just... I would love to quit.
I really would, but l...
I can't leave Grayer.
I can't.
You're gonna think
I'm totally crazy,
but I feel really bad
for her also.
Do you think I'm crazy?
Well, you know, you could
be suffering from
Stockholm Syndrome.
- You ever heard of Patty Hearst?
- Are you kidding?
Yes.
But I do think you should probably
let me kiss you right about now.
What?
Well...
we're two blocks
from your building.
And once we get any closer,
I won't be able to go near you.
Which, to tell you
the truth,
is all I've really thought
about since that day
I saw you in that
Betsy Ross getup.
That is really kinky and weird.
You don't know
the half of it.
Good night.
Good night.
- Pleasant evening.
- Yeah.
Good night.
Uh-huh.
Look out for the...
Sorry.
While doing field work,
anthropologists have been
known to lose themselves
in the very society
that they're studying,
a phenomenon known
as "going native."
When this occurs,
the proper course of action
is to remove oneself
ASAP.
After my night
with Harvard Hottie,
it became quite obvious
that my obsession with
the Xs meant I'd gone native.
Daydreaming in
the park that day,
I came to the conclusion that
the only right thing to do
was confront Mrs. X...
and quit.
Oh, I forgot about this.
Wow.
This could work.
Mmm.
See if you can find me
something short.
It'll go better
with this neckline.
Okay.
Oh.
Did Grayer
get you this?
God.
I bought this for
my mother when I was 10.
She got mad at me, refused to wear it.
She said it was common.
I think I saved it
out of spite.
How about this?
Mr. X bought it for me for our first
wedding anniversary.
So it's only fitting
that I should wear it tonight,
right?
Definitely.
Mrs. X, I need to
talk to you about something.
I know you're really
busy tonight,
so I was wondering if we
could schedule some time
- tomorrow night to talk.
- What is it, Nanny?
l... I think it's better
if we talk alone.
What is it?
Nanny, lend a hand.
Well?
You look amazing.
- Really?
- You look very pretty, Mommy.
And... and you like
the Dior?
I mean, I know
it's a little much for dinner,
but afterwards
he's taking me
to the President's
Circle Gala at the Met.
Well, I couldn't imagine
a more perfect dress
for a romantic
anniversary.
All I need now
is my husband.
I just called
the airport.
There wasn't a single
delay or cancelation out of Chicago
so...
Where can
that man be?
Nanny,
call La Grande Nuit
- and tell them we're running late.
- Come on.
I don't want to
lose the reservation.
Is it "Le Grande Nuit"
or "La Grande..."
"Le... Les"?
I think it's "La."
Thanks, smarty-pants.
- Hello?
Uh yeah, it's me.
Listen, I'm losing
cell service here.
I need you to find
my wife and explain to her
that my flight
was canceled.
Uh, and since I'm gonna have to be back
here Sunday night,
I'm just gonna spend
the whole weekend in Chicago.
- No no no...
- Make sure to tell her I'm sorry.
No no no, Mr. X, you can't do this.
Look, she...
Nanny, who was it?
What did he say?
Um...
he said that...
his flight was canceled.
And...
and he's very
very sorry.
Make sure you
put that one on top.
I don't want
anything to wrinkle.
Mommy,
where are you going?
Mommy, don't go!
No, Gray... no, Grayer.
Don't... don't be difficult.
Mommy has to go away for
a few days to get some rest.
Nanny, I've decided to
take a few days off.
I'll be at the spa
at Canyon Ranch in Lenox.
- Maria has all my numbers.
- Oh God.
Nanny, can we go upstairs?
I feel funny.
Oh my God!
How did this come on so fast? 104?
Oh my God, oh my God.
Okay okay.
Honey, come here.
You okay?
I'm so sorry.
That's okay, that's okay.
All right.
Okay, wait.
No.
Hey, Lynette, it's Annie.
Listen, I need your help.
Grayer has
a temperature of 104
and I have vomit all over me
and there's nobody here.
God. Did you
call his mother?
Yes, I called his mother.
She's at some friggin' spa.
I left three messages
and she won't call me back.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, should I take him to
the emergency room or something?
- Annie, I can't answer that.
- I...
Do you know a number of a doctor
I could call for advice,
or a nurse even?
Of course I know a nurse.
Your mother.
Nanny?
Lynette, I have to
call you back.
What is it, sweetheart?
What's wrong?
I want my mommy.
Me too.
How is everything?
His fever's down.
But I think he's
got the croup.
The steam should help
open his passages
and hopefully it'll ease up his cough
and he can get some rest.
Is... is there anything
I can do?
Just close the door.
He's okay now.
Much better.
Oh, thank you, God.
Even so, you should bring him
to the doctor in the morning.
He's probably gonna
need a prescription.
Okay.
Hey, Ma, um...
l... I don't know
how to...
thank you for
coming here, and helping...
Why'd you lie
to me, Annie?
I have never lied to you.
Ever.
I know.
I just...
Oh, Mom, I couldn't
handle it anymore.
- I just couldn't handle it.
- What?
What couldn't you handle?
You're young, you're smart,
you're energetic. You got this
incredibly bright future ahead of you.
It was too bright, Ma.
All right?
I just... I just, I got...
I had to get away.
And do this?
You understand?
Every night shift I worked,
every overtime hour
I accepted,
I did it because I wanted
something better for you than I had.
Nanny!
Good, you're up.
Just leave that there.
So listen, the spa
was just awful,
totally overrun
with suburban riffraff.
And then in the middle
of my body scrub,
Mr. X called
and believe it or not,
he wants to take us
all to Nantucket next week.
So I figured I might as well
cut my trip short and...
Who's this?
I'm Judy.
It's my mom.
You never mentioned
you had a mother, Nanny.
Um...
my mom's a nurse.
She came over here to help me.
Grayer's been very
very very sick.
- I tried calling you...
- Where is he?
Well he's...
he's sleeping now.
Then he can't be
that sick now, can he?
So listen, could you
quickly unpack my luggage
and just put everything
in the laundry?
I'm exhausted and Mr. X is expected
sometime before 9:00.
I will see you
in the morning.
Oh, very nice
to meet you, Julie.
Judy.
Call me when this phase
of your life is over.
I desperately wanted
to yell out after her,
but it was like one of
those awful dreams
where I had no voice.
My desire to be an observer of life...
...was actually keeping me
from living one.
Clearly, the woman's
heinous.
You gotta quit.
It's just that simple.
I can't, all right?
I tried.
What if I made you
a tempting offer?
I'm gonna go to my father's house in
Southampton for a month.
I've got to take some time, figure out
if law school is really right for me.
Why don't you join me?
Do a little soul-searching.
We'd get the whole house to ourselves...
won't cost us a cent.
We'll walk on the beach.
We'll drink red wine,
grill fresh fish.
That sounds like heaven.
But what if this vacation
can save their marriage?
If I quit now,
I'll ruin it
and break Grayer's heart.
What about my heart?
Do I count for anything?
Come on, say yes.
Be young with me
in the Hamptons.
Don't go to Nantucket
with the weirdoes.
What do you say?
Not a chance in hell,
is there?
- I can take a hint.
- Come on, I didn't say no.
You weren't exactly screaming
yes though, were you?
I'm starting to wonder
if you're really selfless
or just a little
self-obsessed.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I have to go.
Listen, if you change
your mind, my offer stands.
We're going to 'Tucket.
We're going to 'Tucket.
Guess what else?
I'm getting a puppy.
Oh!
Oh my God!
Daddy, Daddy,
where's my puppy?
Been waiting for you right up
in the car there, sport.
- Isn't it wonderful?
- Mmm.
A family trip has been
long overdue.
Mmm, listen, I didn't
want to say anything in front of Grayer,
but the truth is,
I can only stay for a few days.
They're really pushing me to
finish up in Chicago.
You can't be serious.
You're not gonna leave us
on this island alone.
Okay, we'll talk
about it later.
# But I'm moving on #
# I'm gonna be your
number one #
# I'm not the kind
of girl #
# Who gives up
just like that #
- # Oh no-o-o-o... #
Hi.
It's Annie.
I haven't heard from you in a while.
You're probably
in Southampton,
but I just wanted to
let you know that...
my cell phone
doesn't work here.
So if you wanted
to call...
if you wanted
to call,
- you probably have the number...
Nanny, hurry up!
...already on your cell phone,
but I will give it to you
just in case.
It is 508...
Hello?
- Oh.
- What, hello?
- Hello, Nanny?
- Wha...
- I need to use this phone.
- Immediately.
- Okay, so sorry.
- Oh God.
- Nanny, we're going to the beach.
When I grow up,
I want enough money
to build a real castle.
Just remember, Grove,
that money can't buy love.
But Mommy pays you money
and I love you.
Surprise surprise, dear.
- Mother?
- My, you've gotten portly.
Hi, Grandma.
What the hell
are you doing here?
Ask your wife.
She's the one who requested I come.
- Darling, l...
- Not that I need an invitation.
It is my house.
I just wanted your mother
to be here for the news.
News, what news?
What in the hell is going on here?
I'm having another baby.
...virtually impossible.
What exactly do you want?
And now my mother is here
so I can't go to Chicago.
One lousy week!
You know something?
You are an infuriating woman.
You really are!
That's what you get for
rejecting debutante season.
Who asked you, bitch?
Can you look after
the kids for a minute?
I'm the only nanny here.
I just have to use the restroom.
Hmm.
Make it snappy, dear.
I'm on the last chapter.
Oh, thanks a million.
Oh.
You look gorgeous.
Listen, I need some nanny advice.
- Okay.
- To tell you the truth,
I don't know what's gotten
into her lately.
Well, I installed
a Nanny Cam.
So we'll soon see
the truth.
It might be time
to let her go.
I saw another one.
Make a wish, Grove.
I wish we could stay
in 'Tucket forever,
Mommy, Daddy, you
and my puppy.
Grove?
You know I...
I'm not gonna be
your nanny forever.
I can't be.
That doesn't mean I'm not
gonna always be your friend.
What, there's no OJ
in the goddamned shit-shack?
Oh, I was just
about to make some.
Mm-hm.
Where's Grayer?
Isn't he up yet?
Um, he had a little
trouble sleeping.
So...
Concentrate? You have
got to be kidding me.
All my money and I can't
get fresh-squeezed? Come on.
Uh, we used it all
at the party, so...
Hmm.
Well then, why don't you and I
take a little trip to the market
and get us some, huh?
I'm not in right now.
Leave it at the beep.
# Be the new one,
burn to shine #
# I take the blue ones
every time #
# Walk me down
your broken line #
# All you have to do
is cry #
# Yes, all you
have to do is cry #
# All you have to do
is cry. #
- Where's Grayer?
- With his grandmother.
And where, may I ask,
have you been?
Um...
- I just had to clear my head.
- Did you?
I imagine your
unacceptable behavior
has something to do
with that boy in the building.
Nanny.
I wasn't
born yesterday.
He called several
times this week.
He called?
Why didn't you tell me?
I suppose I forgot.
It's really for
your own good.
He's a little out of
your league, don't you think?
It couldn't possibly
end well.
Clearly this
isn't working out.
Mr. X has arranged for
a taxi to take you to the ferry
and then for a car to
pick you up on the other end.
Please don't...
please don't do this.
Not... not for me,
but for Grayer.
Not until you and your husband work
your problems out.
Don't you dare.
You stupid...
you stupid girl.
As if you know anything
about my life.
As if you know anything
about the real world.
All I got's $100.
All right, you know what?
Just give me the change
when you come back for my mother
at some point, okay?
Keep 10 bucks
for yourself, all right?
Nanny...
here's your final payment.
I expect you to
have all your things
out of our apartment by
the time we come back.
Just leave the keys
with the doorman.
Grayer, I think you
should take a nap.
I'm certainly ready
for one.
Nanny!
Where are you going?
- Nanny!
- Grayer. Grayer.
- Nanny!
- Stay here.
- Here.
- What are you doing?
- Take it, take it.
- What?
I can't tolerate the yapping.
Grayer's too young anyway.
- Nanny!
- Grayer.
- Nanny, don't go!
- Grayer, sweetheart...
Nanny, wait!
- Nanny!
- Grayer!
Nanny, don't leave me.
Nanny!
Grayer.
What?
Go ahead, puppy,
do your business.
Anywhere you like.
Good puppy!
Nanny Cam, Nanny Cam,
where are you hiding?
I love you.
Hola.
Hmm.
Aha!
Okay, lady,
you want Nanny Cam?
I'll give you
"Nannies Gone Wild."
And this is how the most
significant confrontation
in my life...
happened with a teddy bear.
After the abrupt termination
of my field work,
I took some time to
make sense
of all that
I had witnessed.
During this period
I read that critics of
anthropology believe
that just by
observing a culture
you inevitably change it.
- Mm!
- Ow! Hey.
In the many times that
I thought of Grayer,
I secretly hoped
those critics...
were right.
This is a tape of
my latest nanny disaster.
She was extremely problematic,
to say the least.
She neglected Grayer.
She drank.
She even flirted with my husband.
I finally had to fire her
for promiscuous behavior
with a boy in the building.
This videotape shows her
feeding my child
peanut butter and jelly
directly from the jar.
You know, I remember
this nanny.
She had a very
peculiar attitude.
Let's watch.
You excited about
going to Nantucket?
Yes.
Okay, well, why don't you
close your eyes
and you can dream about
building sand castles?
- I love you, Nanny.
- Good night.
This must be the wrong tape.
I've never seen this one before.
It's all right, just let it play out.
We'll get to something good.
Oh!
It's a problem.
Big problem.
Okay, Mrs. X, now it's time for a few
simple child-care rules.
Oh, all right. The teddy bear has
been compromised.
Slamming the door in
your kid's face is not okay.
Spending more time on a benefit for
kids you've never met
than you do with
your own blood is not okay.
Going to a spa when
your son has a fever of 104
and not answering
emergency calls,
that officially makes you
an unfit mother.
This is outrageous.
Stop the tape.
Uh, no, this is clearly
a disgruntled nanny.
We... we might have
something to learn here.
Yeah, I know that you're really busy
with your hair appointments
and your Watsu
massages
and your attempts to stay young
so your husband won't leave you,
but here's an idea... why don't you try
eating dinner with your child
every once in a blue moon?
And a head's up here,
lady.
Try smiling once in a while.
People hate you!
As for you, Mr. X,
who the hell are you?
Maybe you're asking
the same about me.
I know you've noticed my ass,
but you probably don't
recognize my face,
so here's a little hint,
okay?
I'm the one who's been
raising your son.
Grayer is not
an accessory.
His mother didn't
order him from a catalogue.
Your son, your wife,
are... are...
are people in your home,
human beings who are
drowning in their desire
for you to just...
for you to look at them.
You know, the truth is,
I don't wish either of you harm.
If for no other reason
than you having
the profound privilege
of being Grayer's parents.
Grayer loves you.
He...
he doesn't care what you're
wearing or what you buy him
or what school
he gets into.
He just... he just
wants you there.
That's it.
And time's running out,
and he won't love you
unconditionally that much longer.
So...
for your own good,
don't miss out
on getting to know him.
He is...
he's truly
an amazing
amazing little person.
Excuse me.
Of course.
Buenas noches.
It's a much tougher game
out there for women.
Nature deals us
some tricky cards.
Is that so hard
for you to understand?
No.
I don't know, Mom.
I just...
So I guess you're not
going into finance?
I don't think that having money
makes it any easier.
You know,
I know that now.
It's okay.
It's your life.
Personally, I think
you're making a big mistake.
But it is your life.
I want you
to be happy.
Hey.
- Hayden.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot to mention
his name is Hayden.
And once I finally
let myself say it,
it was a habit that
was pretty hard to break.
It is... it's going
pretty good actually.
There's more scholarships
out there than I thought.
So why are you
so late?
Because I have
something for you.
It's from
your former employer.
What?
She cornered me
on the 12th floor,
figured I could get
to you before she could.
I don't want to
read this.
- Why don't I read it to you?
- Okay.
"Dear Annie...
It's been several months
since we've spoken.
Even so, the things you said
on that tape haunt me every day.
And now looking back,
I don't know what to say
except thank you...
- and I'm sorry."
"And I'm sorry.
You were so right.
Of all my privileges,
Grayer is my greatest.
I desperately needed
someone to show me that.
You did.
And for that,
I owe you the world.
You may or may not
be surprised
to learn that
I've left my husband.
Not out of the jar.
Try it.
Any man who made me
feel desperate enough
to feign a pregnancy
wasn't worth fighting for.
Isn't it good?
Yeah.
Yeah, it is good.
So I'm pretty confident
that in time
we'll be getting
along just fine.
Yeah, it's really good.
It's really good.
Please know that I wish
you all the best in life.
- Sincerely..."
- "Sincerely...
Alexandra.
P. S...
I'm happy to report that Grayer asks
for you a little bit less
every day and every night."
- Come on.
- Okay.
Let's get out of here.
Catching the Yankees game
with my dad tonight.
- Sounds wonderful.
- Yeah.
There's a popular belief
amongst anthropologists
that you must immerse
yourself in an unfamiliar world
in order to truly
understand your own.
I've probably gotta
get going soon actually.
See you
later tonight, okay?
Yeah.
I certainly hope so.
In conclusion,
I hope this field diary
has been illuminating
for those considering my application
to graduate school.
It certainly has been
for me.
# Oh yeah #
After a lost summer
of being Nanny,
I finally got to know Annie.
Thanks to a little man
named Grayer,
I only had to trek
across the Hudson River
to make this most
amazing discovery.
- # I won't let you down #
- # Freedom #
- # I will not give you up #
- # Freedom #
# Have some faith
in the sound #
# You got to give
what you take #
# Freedom #
# I won't let you down #
- # Freedom #
- # So please don't give me up. #
# Wake up one morning #
# You realize #
# Your life is one
big compromise #
# Compromise #
# Stuck in the job you swore
was only temporary #
# Was only temporary #
# Yeah #
# Feel like the world
is passing you by #
# Doo-doo-doo doo-doo #
# Never done all the things
you wanted to try #
# Stuck in one place #
# Got a pain in
your face #
# From all your stressin' out,
all your stressin' out #
# All your stressin' out #
# Hey, you ask
yourself #
# There's got to
be more #
# Than what
I'm living for #
# What I'm living for #
# What I'm
living for #
# You ask yourself
there's got to be #
# Something else #
# Something more, more #
# More,
well, let the sun shine #
# On your face #
# And don't let your life #
# Go to waste #
# Now is the time #
# Got to make up
your mind #
# Let it shine on you #
# Let it shine
on you #
# Feel like there's nothing,
nowhere to go #
# Doo-doo-doo doo-doo #
# You try and fight
but you can't let go #
# Of all the pain,
got so much to gain #
# Now is the time #
# Mm-hmm #
# You ask yourself #
# There's got to be
something else #
# Something more,
more, more #
# Let the sun shine #
# On your face #
# And don't let
your life #
# Go to waste #
# Now is the time,
got to make up your mind #
# Let it shine on you #
# Let it
shine on you #
# You ask yourself,
there's got to be #
# More than what
I'm living for #
# What I'm living for,
what I'm living for #
# You ask yourself,
there's got to be #
# Something else,
something more #
# More, more #
# Well, let the sun shine #
# On your face #
# And don't let your life #
# Go to waste #
# Now is the time #
# Got to make up
your mind #
# Let it shine on you #
# Let it shine
on you #
# Let the sun shine #
# On your face #
# And don't let your life #
# Go to waste #
# Now is the time #
# Got to make up
your mind #
# Let it shine on you #
# Let it shine
on you #
# Let the sun shine #
# On your face #
# And don't let your life #
# Go to waste #
# Now is the time #
# Got to make up
your mind #
# Let it shine on you #
# Let it shine
on you. #