(Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus...
'That's me, Paul Maddens,
back in drama school.
'Yes, l look like an idiot.
'And there's my girlfriend, Jennifer,
'with our best mate,
Gordon Shakespeare.
'We were the three amigos
with the world at our feet.'
(So jump in bed and cover your head
(Cos Santa Claus comes tonight... (
'Jennifer and her family
always loved Christmas.
'And it was Jennifer
who taught me to love it, too.
'Gordon always said
he loved Christmas,
'but the only thing
he truly loved was himself.'
l'm completely above this.
This is just pointless. Elf!
lt's my last elf.
l could at least be Father Christmas.
Look at her.
- l can't do this any more.
- You're really good, though.
There's no control being an actor.
You're doing other people's ideas.
- l agree.
- l'd rather be in control.
l don't know,
like directing, producing.
- l think you should consider that.
- l will.
That's why l'm going to train
as a primary school teacher.
Shh.
Give it three years and if you're
as bad as you are now, give up.
Try. Those who can't act, teach.
(Both) And those who can't teach,
teach primary.
- Who says that?
- lt's a truism.
A truism?
Five, six, seven, eight.
(Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus...
(Paul) 'And so that's what l did,
l became a teacher,
'and Jennifer
seemed really proud of me.
'As l was of her, when she went
to Hollywood and became a producer.
'Gordon became a teacher at
the best private school in the city.
'Every Christmas,
'his productions of the nativity won
the five-star review in the local paper.'
Gordon Shakespeare's
three-colour trilogy
has redefined nativity
with its rainbow of talent
that hangs over the city of Coventry
like a blessed beacon.
'Five stars.
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
What a performance!
'Paul Maddens' nativity was abysmal.'
Minus two stars.
(Paul) 'And that's when
l decided l hated Christmas.'
((JACKSON 5:
"Santa Claus ls Coming To Town")
(Santa Claus is coming to town
(You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry...
Sit down! Oli, that's you
in detention for the week.
TJ, that's you in detention
for the week,
and also, TJ, that's your parents
coming into school tomorrow.
(Santa Claus is coming to town... (
- Who is going to win the 5-star review?
- Us, us, us!
Us, us, us! Us, us, us!
Us, us, us! Yeah!
- Who can spell me Bethlehem? Go.
- B-E-L-E...
No, next. Oli.
B-E-L-T...
No! TJ?
- B-E-L-E...
- No!
Good morning, boys and girls.
Good morning, Mrs Bevan!
Here we are on the run-up to Christmas.
- Yes!
- lsn't that exciting?
Now, last year,
Mrs Spink did the nativity play,
and, if you remember,
she got a bit upset
and she started shouting and crying
and some of you, l remember,
were crying with her.
So, we are going to have to find
a new person,
and this year, to make the best
nativity play that has ever, ever been,
is Mr Maddens. Yes!
(We wish you a Merry Christmas
(We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
(We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
(We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year...
Ooh.
(We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
(We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
(And a happy New Year
(Happy New Year... (
You have the talent,
you have the training.
Mrs Bevan, l did a three-year course
in drama many moons ago.
- l wasn't very good.
- Yes, l know. Let's move on from there.
When are you going
to start the casting?
These children are literally useless.
l am literally useless.
Please don't make me do this.
Think about Oakmoor. Think about
how they always steal all the reviews.
We agreed four years ago
that after my disastrous attempt to direct
the nativity, l wouldn't do it again.
Make this a good one, make this
a fabulous last nativity play for me,
and then l retire and you won't
have to put up with me any more.
Oh, and you've got a classroom
assistant starting today some time.
- Thank you.
- That will help with the stress.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Tell us, clearly, what happened at
Christmas, if you think you're so clever.
Joseph got together with Mary and then
Mary went to Bethlehem to have a baby.
She has a baby, Jesus.
A couple of years later, about 30 years
later, he dies on the cross and then...
Go and sit down. That was almost
blasphemy, what you've just done.
Here's to a five-star review
of the St Bernadette's nativity
directed by Paul Maddens.
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
(Laughter)
- (Rhythmic clapping)
- (When Susie was a child
(A child Susie was
(She said, "Miss! Miss! l can't get this!
l got my knickers in a right old twist!"
(When... (
- Who are you?
- Mr Poppy.
- What are you doing here, Mr Poppy?
- Oh, l'm your teaching assistant.
Please try and keep it neat.
Dan, are you having a bit of trouble?
- How are you getting on, Fraser?
- Fine, thanks.
Mm-hm. You don't have to put
your hand up to talk to me.
l thought we were supposed
to be doing a play.
- We are.
- Everyone's sitting around...
Yes, but this isn't
the rehearsal for the play.
This is still a creative writing class.
lt's a different thing.
- Who wants to do a play?
- (Paul) Excuse me, excuse me!
- Just move the tables to one side.
- No, keep the tables where you are!
Alfie! Alfie, TJ, just put the tables back.
The next person to move their table
will be in detention for the entire term.
- (Bell rings)
- Sit down!
- (Children shouting)
- Stripy scarf, whose is this?
(Shouting and laughter)
- Mr Poppy! Come in now, Mr Poppy.
- l've been tigged.
Come in now.
Get inside, please. l've told you before!
- Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!
- Children, please, go away.
- Poppy! Poppy!
- Just carry on playing.
Mr Poppy! Mr Poppy!
Mr Poppy!
Shh-chh-chh!
- Furzz-oop.
- l just wanted to check something.
Can l just say l've really enjoyed
today, thank you very much.
You're welcome.
- You haven't done this before.
- l've done stuff like it.
- Classroom assistant?
- No.
l just wanted to check that.
l'll see you tomorrow at 08.15?
- Do you want a sausage sizzler?
- Sorry?
Young's, the newsagent
by Fiveheads Road,
they do these sausages with tomato
ketchup in a roll with a sausage.
They're 1 .50. Do you want to share
one and we could hang out at the park?
l'll introduce you to Tom, Stinky Tom.
He's funny.
l'm a bit busy. l shan't be doing that
tonight. Thank you.
See you later.
Fzz-shwoosh!
(Can't you see it's gonna be
A merry, merry Christmas
(A merry, merry Christmas
For all good girls and boys... (
(Dog whines)
Come here, baby. Hello.
Ooh! Right on me kippers. Ooh!
Cracker! Cracker, you hardly know me!
Cracker! Cracker!
Where are you going, you mental dog?
(Hums a tune)
Cracker... (ln Nazareth...
Or... (ln Nazareth...
l think low. Bark for high.
- (Barks)
- Bark for low.
- (Whines)
- Suit yourself.
Cracker.
Cracker. Cracker, come here.
(Thud)
Help me, Mr Maddens!
This man is an idiot.
He's an actual village idiot.
lf this was a village,
he would be the idiot.
He's not a classroom assistant.
He's an absolute calamitous fool.
- He'll be a big help with the play.
- The play that l don't care about?
The play that brings the children away
from learning to read, write and count?
Whoopee. l've got a big oaf helping
my children to fail. Thanks a lot.
- This is getting a bit personal.
- Who's that?
- Who's what?
- What's that?
That's a photograph
of me and Mr Poppy.
- Why?
- He is my sister's son.
Mm-hm.
(Sighs)
Mr Poppy!
Sit down, please. Sit down.
Be quiet! Sit down now!
Why is Mr Maddens
such a grumpy grocks?
His girlfriend left him at Christmas time.
- Where's his girlfriend now?
- ln America.
America, how cool is that?
lt is cool,
but it is a long way away from here.
Can we keep it down over there,
please?
- Bagsy drive the van.
- l've got the keys.
- Nothing overrules the rules of bagsy.
- Don't...
- Mr Poppy, l'm insured to drive the van.
- Auntie Pat said l could drive.
- Can you drive?
- Yeah. Come on, jump in.
(Horn sounds)
- Gabriel comes in on a death slide.
- (Paul) What's a death slide?
One of those things. Duh-zzhoozh!
You go down with two hands...
l don't think health and safety will
involve the death slide in a nativity play.
- OK, what about a BMX with trick pegs?
- This is a Roman Catholic school.
We are not going to replace a donkey
with a trick-peg BMX. What is that?
- We can do it if we just work together.
- Sorry?
Like we're Webber and Rice, and Posh
and Becks. Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee.
You and me.
- l think maybe this one.
- No. The big one.
lt's not gonna fit, is it?
- l don't believe it! Paul Maddens!
- Gordon Shakespeare.
(American accent)
How are you doing, my man?
- Great to see you.
- And you.
- Where have you been?
- Five years at St Bernadette's now.
But you were gonna be the star,
the man!
- Was l? l never thought that.
- Yes! We all did and then it all went.
And now you're down the road?
How is it at St B's?
Goodness me, what a challenge!
Slowly, that dreadful school
is dragging itself up.
- How's Jennifer? Do you speak to her?
- Yeah, still quite good friends with her.
So, you still keep in touch with her?
Yeah, even though
she's Hollywood side, yeah.
- Didn't she do well?
- She's now a producer, you know?
l know. l mean, if you think l'm talented,
well, she's just gone to another level.
Way above me, and...and...
- ...clearly, you.
- Clearly, yeah.
lf you want to see
how the other half lives,
and just see where
it really happens in the right way,
come along to our Christmas bazaar.
- The talent they've got. Amazing.
- Yeah, l'm sure.
- lt's worth a little look. Come along.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing this year?
- l'm doing the nativity again.
- Perhaps l could come and see yours?
- Yes, you won't be alone if you do.
Because, actually, Jennifer's coming.
- She's coming over to the UK?
- Yeah, she's gonna come and see...
Why would she do that?
Because she's gonna bring
most of her agency over with her.
Hollywood...are coming
to St Bernadette's?
- To see your show?
- Yes.
- To film your show?
- Yeah.
- To make a film out of it?
- Yeah.
And a book.
(Hums a tune)
Come, come, come, come, come.
Come close. This is... Shh.
Come in, gather round.
l've got something to tell you, all right?
l'm not supposed to, but someone's
twisted my arm and l have to tell you.
l've just been to get the Christmas tree,
and l heard Mr Maddens say,
a big Hollywood
production film thing company
are coming here to see our nativity,
but it's not a nativity,
it's "Nativity The Musical",
in 3-D with 5-D sound,
and we're all going to be famous!
Yeah!
Shh, shh, shh!
This is big stuff, all right?
Zack, l mean, you could end up being...
- Zac Efron.
- Yes!
And you...you could be Shrek!
- And you, Bob...
- What?
...you're like a little Gollum,
like a little creature in something!
So, we're going to be super famous
because Hollywood are coming!
Yeah!
- (Groans)
- (Dog whines)
Ow. Ow.
Ow!
Oh!
Aargh!
With me now
are the real stars of the film,
the pupils
of St Bernadette's School here.
- You must be very excited?
- Oh, very excited, aren't we, children?
Wait, wait.
We heard this morning that Hollywood
are coming to see our nativity play,
and we can hardly believe it.
Sit down, please. Sit, Cracker.
l am actually Mr Poppy and l am, er...
the co-director, co-writer, co-producer.
(TV volume off)
'...the true stars of a new Hollywood
blockbuster coming to town very soon.'
(He sees you when you're sleeping
(He knows when you're awake...
How you doing, Paul?
Now, you don't want to be late.
Quickly, you two.
Well done.
Congratulations, Mr Maddens.
There you are! Oh, goodness, at last.
- This is Darren from the newspaper.
- Nice to meet you.
Come on, we've got to go this way.
Yeah, they've been waiting.
l've told Darren everything l know
but l don't know much.
lt's wonderful that you're
back in touch with her again.
- There you are, that's it.
- (Cheering)
Thank you, thank you. Good morning,
boys and girls. Good morning, teachers.
Good morning. Good morning,
gentlemen of the press.
Ha-ha! And the local news team.
And, as you can see, children,
it's very, very exciting.
The whole of the town
is buzzing with the news
that St Bernadette's is going
to get a visitor from Hollywood.
- Three cheers for Mr Maddens! Hip, hip!
- Hurray!
- Hip, hip!
- Hurray!
- Hip, hip!
- Hooray!
Mrs Bevan, boys and girls...
l'm sorry, cos there's obviously
been some misunderstanding,
because yesterday
l said in front of Mr Poppy
that we were gonna have a...
a visit from Hollywood.
And l'm only sorry
cos it's not happening right now!
l didn't tell you.
l told Gordon Shakespeare!
lt wasn't even for your ears!
Do you understand me? You were
eavesdropping on a conversation.
- lt doesn't matter!
- Be quiet! lt's obviously a lie.
How are Hollywood
gonna come to the school?
lt's a lie! lt's not true! l made it up!
You have messed up, right?
lt's up to you to face your responsibility
and go out there and tell them it's a lie.
- (Door squeaks)
- Yeah!
Yeah!
All you've got to do
is call your girlfriend
and get the Hollywood people across.
One problem. She's not my girlfriend.
l don't know her number.
l don't know where she lives.
l was making all of that up yesterday.
- Family? Has she got any family?
- Well, she's got parents, yeah.
- Do you have any pets?
- l have a dog. Used to be hers.
Brilliant! Just go round there.
Say, "The dog died. l need her number.
l should break her this news in person."
- How has the dog died?
- lt blew up.
The dog blew up!
They won't ask! They won't ask.
You wouldn't ask. l wouldn't ask.
"Eugh!" They'd just think "Eugh"
and get the number.
We need those five stars. l need you all
to be stars to get those stars.
We need something edgier,
more dangerous, something darker.
Something like the RSC do, then bang,
they hit you with something enormous.
That's what we should be doing.
Something European, strange, exotic.
Something that the Americans
don't understand but love.
That's it, l know, we could have...Herod.
King Herod, he's never done, is he?
Herod...Herod's never done, ever!
That's it, wonderful. We can have
Herod. lt could be like an opera.
This dark shape brooding in the back,
coming forward onto the stage,
singing his heart out, his lungs,
craving for their minds and blood
and body of the children.
That's what we want.
Who's going to be my Herod?
(Can't you see it's gonna be
A merry, merry Christmas
(A merry, merry Christmas
For all good girls and boys...
Thank you. Anything else
you'd like to show us?
- (Burps) A, B, C, D...
- That's good.
(You and me
l've been dancing on the floor, darling
(And l feel like l need some more
(And l feel your body
Close to mine and l... (
Oh.
(Cos l'm just
A teenage dirtbag, baby
(Listen to lron Maiden,
baby, with me (
(l was going on a hill side
On a hill side
(l was going on a hill side
On a hill side...
(Oh, Danny boy
(The pipes, the pipes are calling...
What would you like to play?
l know you're not gonna let me,
but l want to be Joseph.
OK, well, away you go,
in your own time.
- Careful.
- Wow.
((Rock version of Jingle Bells)
- You're through to the next round.
- There's not a next round.
- The Hollywood round.
- There isn't a Hollywood round.
Please can l go to Hollywood? Please!
Hollywood, Bob, are gonna love it.
Aah! Ooh!
Look, l can't do it.
Can we take five for a moment, please?
l've got to... Excuse me.
Keep going, it's good. lt's really good.
- Paul. Paul. Paul.
- Oh, hello, Father.
l just popped in to congratulate you.
Well done.
- Thank you.
- lt's great news.
- Thank you. l'll do what l can.
- Well done.
Father, could l ask your advice?
l've just had a bit of a query from one
of the children in the auditions, actually.
l'm not sure how to advise them.
They're worried about, er...lying.
One of them has told a lie.
We all know that there's
such a thing as a little white lie
and there's a black Protestant lie,
which is more serious, you know...
l don't think so, l don't think so.
A lie is a lie is a lie.
- Technically?
- What do you mean, technically?
Well, you know, "ls that a nice meal?"
"Oh, yes, Mrs Johnson, it's lovely."
Even though you're feeling sick,
cos you don't want to hurt her feelings.
- But it's still a lie, isn't it?
- But l'm not going to be punished for it.
No, but if you picked the woman up
on her bad cooking,
the next time
you might get a decent meal.
Ee-aah! Ee-aah!
- Mrs Bevan, can l have a quick word?
- Ah! My phone is ringing off the hook.
- Can l grab you for two minutes?
- Of course.
Word has got out about the Hollywood
connection, and parents are ringing me.
- They want to know why, how, when.
- l can save time with all of that.
This is the cherry on the cake,
the Lord Mayor's office has rung
and they want you to go to a big
reception for Coventry ambassadors.
- No!
- Yes, and there's going to be drinks.
- l don't think l can come.
- l've accepted on your behalf.
- Have you?
- (Phone rings)
- l've got to go. Phone!
- No, please!
That will be somebody else.
See you soon, bye-bye.
(l'm a little Christmas cracker
(Hanging on a Christmas tree
(Just a little Christmas cracker
(A banger, banger, banger,
that's me... (
(Doorbell)
- How's it going?
- You!
- l wonder if l might come in?
- l think you should come in.
- Thank you.
- Come on.
(Clears throat)
You'd better sit down, Paul.
l've heard of some things
in my life, Paul,
but to take a dog called Cracker
and then to put explosives in it
and blow it apart like a cracker...
l think common parlance is "the pits".
Wait till Jennifer hears.
Yes, she'll probably be sitting there
in her heart-shaped pool,
sipping away at her Cristal champagne
which Harrison has bought her.
That's her new boyfriend, by the way.
New boyfriend, you understand that?
Not the old boyfriend
who blows dogs to smithereens.
(Hooray for Hollywood... (
Excuse me.
- What did she say?
- l haven't spoken to her yet.
- When are you going to phone her?
- When l've got time!
And just when l've worked out
what it is l'm gonna say!
Phone her!
Why don't you want to phone her?
l can't phone her now
because l'm working. l'm marking.
You're worried. You were
going out with her for a long time.
You love her,
she loved you, it went wrong,
and you feel butterfly things in your
tummy when you make the phone call.
And l understand that and you just
need to take a big daddy breath,
dial the number and say hello.
l don't know
what you think is going on.
You think l'm hung up over a woman
l've not seen for five years. l'm not.
Well, l can see a man who's really
scared and frightened and angry.
l'm frightened of you, because
l've never met one of you before.
l'm terrified because l don't know
what you or l am going to do.
l could help you mend your heart,
Mr Maddens.
Open the door.
- Did you just slam that door?
- No.
Close it properly, please.
((RON SEXSMlTH:
"Maybe This Christmas")
(Maybe this Christmas
Will mean something more
(Maybe this year
(Love will appear
(Deeper than ever before
(And maybe forgiveness
Will ask us to call someone we love
(Someone we've lost...
- (Dog whimpers)
- (For reasons we can't quite recall
(Mm-mm-mm
(Maybe this Christmas...
Hello?
(Mm-mm-mm
(Maybe this Christmas (
(Paul) l was very impressed with
the auditions. Thank you very much.
l thought there was a wonderful
array of talent on display,
so you can all be
very proud of yourselves.
Because there's a wonderful array
of talent on display,
l have no doubt you'll be able to handle
this song, which is quite advanced.
(Things are going well in Nazareth
(Our city is full of joy...
Right and that goes into...
- (Keyboard)
- Do you have to do that? Fine, l'll...
- That sounds good, doesn't it?
- Yes, so we've got...
- (Things are going well...
- (Things are really cool...
- (ln Nazareth, our city is full of joy
- (ln Nazareth
- (Cos this is where girl meets boy
- (Cos this is where girl meets boy
- (ln Nazareth
- (Our city is full of...
- Do you...
- (Joy...
Try it.
(Things are really cool in Nazareth
(Our city is full of joy
(Cos this is where girl meets boy...
Who thinks my song is better?
Anyone? This is far more linear.
lt's very dirge-like.
Mine is actually influenced
more by Sondheim, but...
OK, who prefers Mr Poppy's song?
Black! Darkness, and the audience
is thinking, "What's going to happen?"
Some of the children,
maybe like six or seven,
come on here on that,
"Duh-duh, duh-duh-duh!"
They're like toe, heel,
and then over here some more children,
so you get this big cross,
and at the back as the cross opens up
we see like the city of Nazareth.
The children turn round,
they've got big cutouts of all the city,
the city comes together
and there's windows and lights
and people going "Hello"
through the windows.
Mr Poppy, these children
will never be able to do that.
- Yes, they will.
- Everyone knows we're useless.
- (Paul) You're not useless.
- That's what Mr Maddens calls us.
- No, l don't.
- Yes, you do.
You told Mrs Bevan that we are.
- Who told you that?
- Sam, she heard you.
You did say we were useless.
l didn't mean useless.
l didn't mean useless.
- But they will never be able to do that.
- Yeah, they will.
Anything we can do,
Oakmoor can do ten times better.
Oli, Oakmoor, shmoakmoor!
(Beh-beh-beh-beh, beh-beh-beh-beh...
The final scene of the play
is a really, really important scene.
- You know what happens at the end?
- No.
- Baby Jesus is born.
- Baby Jesus is born.
Right, who fancies
going on a little field trip
to actually see a real baby being born?
Ah, l've been looking for you, my class.
What are we all doing?
We're talking about going on a field trip
to see a baby being born.
- What do you mean?
- lt would be good to do a few field trips.
Go to the farm and see some animals,
because it would be cool for you to see
the animals that come to the manger.
Thank you. Can we come in, please?
Enough of this silliness.
lt's not gonna happen.
How are they supposed to give
convincing performances?
lt's called pretending. lt's what every
child in every nativity does every year.
You can't pretend something
unless you've experienced it.
l'm pretending to like you
and l've yet to experience that.
Who wants to go to hospital
and see a baby being born?
((BLEU: "Snow Day")
- (Hey, hey!
- (l woke up to the radio
(And the glare
of a blanket of fallen snow
(When l heard the DJ speak to me
(ln a voice that was
Thick as an evergreen...
(Screams)
(Baby cries)
(For a snowy day
(Cos l need a break
And l want to sleigh the day away
(l need a snow day...
Oh, piglets!
(l need a snow day
(Hey, hey! (
Hello, everybody.
l'd like to welcome you to our Christmas
bazaar here at Oakmoor School.
As you know,
Christmas is a time for giving.
A time for charity and valuing those
people less fortunate than ourselves.
So, in that spirit, l'd like to welcome the
students from St Bernadette's School.
(Ding dong! Merrily on high
- (ln heaven the bells are ringing
- (Oh, oh!
- (Ding dong verily the sky
- (Oh, oh!
- (ls riv'n with angels singing
- (Oh, oh!
- (Gloria
- (Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong!
(Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong!
(Hosanna in excelsis (
That was good.
- They look beautiful.
- We're never gonna beat them.
Wow.
- Wow, he's good, isn't he?
- Yeah.
Oh...
Look at him.
How are we? Are we all right?
Are we ready to give it a go?
OK, we know it a little bit. Listen,
this doesn't matter. lt's not a test.
You don't have to be getting this right.
This is just something we do
cos we enjoy singing.
Just to give us an idea
of a Mary and Joseph, OK?
- Mr Poppy, if you would, please.
- Two, three.
(He's not my type
(She's not too bad
(Not the most gorgeous
(l've ever had
(And yet there's something
(Behind those eyes
(A fire that flickers... (
(Shouting)
What's going on here?
Oli and Alfie, did l see you fighting?
Why were you fighting?
He said l'd be rubbish at Joseph,
and l'll never make it in the school play,
and if l do, l would let the school down.
- Alfie, who made you director?
- No one. But...but he hit me.
Alfie, it's not down to you
who's going to be rubbish or good
or let the school down.
As far as l'm concerned
you've just let the school down,
and so have you, Oli.
- You both want to try out for Joseph?
- Yes, Mr Maddens.
Yeah? Neither of you are going to.
Sit down.
l knew you'd never let me.
Jade, do you want
to come and try for Mary?
- Oli?
- Yes, Mr Maddens?
Take your feet off the seat.
- Come and try for Joseph, come on.
- Thank you, Mr Maddens.
(l'll grow to love her
(lt might work out
(Too young to know
(What it's all about...
This one l'm quite excited about, but it is
a bit of a risk. That could go either way.
But if you don't like it, you can just say.
You can just say.
- Hang on, what's down here?
- (Dog growls)
l think l've just found...
- What's...
- (Door shuts)
(Together forever
(And always home
- (Together forever...
- Other hand. Other hands.
(And always
(Always home (
And kiss.
- (Both) No.
- They don't have to kiss.
They don't have to kiss.
- (Poppy) What about just a cuddle?
- Jade, Oli, come here.
- That was excellent.
- Thank you.
You've got a beautiful voice. And Oli?
- That was really good.
- Thank you, Mr Maddens.
- So, what was all that about earlier?
- Alfie really got on my nerves.
But l don't care if someone's getting
on your nerves, you don't fight them.
People think you're a bad lad,
and maybe you're not,
but the more bad things you do,
people have you marked down as that.
You've got real talent
and you let yourself down by being silly.
There's only so many conversations
l can have with you.
Only so many times l can tell you off,
do you understand?
You don't want to be told off by me.
lt's boring.
l hate doing it.
lt's really boring for me as well.
But if you could show me more
of what you've just shown me there,
you could be great in this show.
- So, can l be Joseph, Mr Maddens?
- We don't know that yet.
l'm thinking l can see my boy band here.
l'm thinking this is the boy band
but we've got to whittle it down.
- What about TJ?
- No TJ.
- Why?
- He would be a really cool Gabriel.
- OK.
- He's in my Gabriel pile.
How are we going to whittle this down?
We've got to lose two.
- Good dancer. Zack is a great dancer.
- He should definitely be in it.
- Matt.
- Spiky hair and a good dancer.
Right, he's a good dancer
plus he's eye candy for the girls.
l don't think we need to bother with that.
He's 1 1 years old.
Have you seen the looks he gets in
the playground? All these girls are like...
- Good. OK.
- He doesn't walk round the playground.
He struts. Bobby!
Good morning, Mr Poppy.
l'm a bit upset because l haven't
got a part in the proper show.
How do you know that?
We're just working it out now.
- Bob, what do you want to be?
- l want to be a king.
(She's the brightest star
l've ever seen...
(Mr Poppy) Throw some shapes.
(lt's like we're living
ln some kind of dream
(Why do l feel overcome
With hope and joy?
(Cos she's shining down her light
(And she's gonna be my girl
And me her boy (
ls there room for a little one?
- Mm, yeah.
- You're through.
Get in there, baby. Get in.
Thank you, Bob. Chin up.
(Gordon) Things are moving apace,
with this Hollywood business.
lf they go down the road
before they come here
it's going to be the end of everything.
We're going to be washed up
by the age of ten.
We need to find Jennifer Lore,
who's this executive producer.
She works in one of five major studios.
l need somebody to go on line to find
out where she is. l want her contacted.
We need to find out exactly what
St Bernadette's are doing in their show.
Yes, Mr Shakespeare.
We can see what their show is like,
and then we can just top it.
We can just beat them. lf their show's
big, we can make ours bigger.
We're going to do a warm-up
because it's important
before we do any strenuous activity
that we warm our bodies
and our minds up.
Minds are equally important
to warm up as our bodies.
- Hi, Mr Poppy.
- Hi.
What we're gonna do is a gentle
warm-up. You can join us, if you like.
l've actually got some music. A little
dance. We're just going to limber up.
Copy what l do. And you, Mr Maddens.
((JACKSON 5: "l Want You Back")
(Ooh, ooh, oh, ooh, oh
(Let me tell you now
- (Ooh, ooh
- (Ooh, ooh
(When l had you to myself
l didn't want you around
(Those pretty faces always
Make you stand out in a crowd
(But someone picked you
From the bunch
(One glance was all it took
(Now it's much too late for me
To take a second look
(Oh, baby, give me one more chance
(Won't you please let me
Back in your heart?
- (Oh, darling, l was blind to let you go
- (Let you go, baby
- (But now since l see you in his arms
- (l want you back
(Oh, l do now...
Spies!
Mr Maddens, it's the freak.
Cry God for Harry,
England and St George!
Come on, let's go!
Fall back!
Ha-ha! Break time!
l just wanted to say, if you needed any
help with any of the singing or dancing...
- Step shuffle, change shuffle...
- Excuse me.
Gordon!
- Gordon! What are you doing?
- This is ridiculous!
- Why have you come to the school?
- We came here on a field trip...
Excuse me. l don't think...no.
Mr Maddens!
Bundle!
Some of the children have described to
me being encouraged to have a rumble.
- Now, what on earth does that mean?
- lt was more of a bundle.
Bundle or rumble, l do not care.
You've dragged this school
and your trousers through the mire.
lf it wasn't
for this whole Hollywood thing,
you'd be off these premises
without a job and without a reference.
Get out, go on, back to your classrooms.
Tuck your shirt in.
Sorry.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
l know a lot of you have heard
all about the Hollywood connection
so l'll hand you over
to Mr Maddens, Paul.
There was talk about, er...relocating.
- ls there any truth in this?
- There's a lot of talk about Hollywood.
l don't want any of us
to run away with ourselves
and start dreaming about Hollywood
mansions or swimming pools
when that is plainly a fantasy.
Yeah, but if the people from Hollywood
see something brilliant in your child,
they'll maybe take them over there.
l'm worried about the religious aspect
of this being lost.
lt's going to be absolutely 100 percent
in line with the teaching of the Church.
- A normal nativity.
- But also we've got the death slide.
How much are you paying?
There will be no financial benefit.
lf you're making a film, there's got to be
a fee. Nobody does a film for nothing.
- lt's Hollywood. They've got the money.
- And he's good, he deserves to be paid.
About a million pounds,
l think l've heard.
We gonna have to get agents.
- Alfie can't have contacts.
- Don't cast him, then.
- My daughter is very beautiful.
- Will my daughter Becky be in?
- lt would be my daughter.
- l think she's a Mary, isn't she?
- (Chatter)
- OK, folks.
Hi, Jennifer, this is Paul. Paul Maddens.
Just wondering if you could
possibly give me a call back.
l have something to ask you,
if that's all right.
lf you could give me a... Love you.
What are you...?
Don't say that!
- Why did you tell me to say that?
- lt's a nice ending.
lt's not, it's a totally inappropriate
ending. What are you talking about?
- Why are you in my house?
- l'm just trying to help, Mr Maddens.
Well, it's not helping! l haven't
told her l loved her for five years!
Get out! What are you doing?
l think he's doing it for the best because
if it does happen, it's gonna be brilliant.
- lt's not happening, is it?
- But it might happen.
- How?
- Well...
- How's it gonna happen?
- Maybe you could help out.
Desmond? Desmond?
You were going to be
on break duty today. Can you...?
Yeah, l was just chatting
with Miss Rye.
Yes, you shouldn't be.
Can you get out, please?
- Paul?
- Yeah?
Why did you lie?
About what?
About America, about Hollywood,
all being a complete load of rubbish.
- You've lied about all this.
- You did lie.
- l'm in shock. l'm in shock.
- l'm really sorry.
- What are you gonna do?
- l don't know.
- You've got to do something.
- Maybe you've got a great idea!
We've got to get Jennifer to somehow
return your calls or speak to you.
Yes.
We're gonna film what we've done
and film some of the rehearsals, OK?
- The best bits.
- Of these children?
- Yes!
- Four seconds! There are no best bits.
- Oh!
- Come on, Paul.
Just get something, get whatever you
can, the best thing you can on the DVD.
Film it for the DVD, send the DVD.
- Stop saying DVD.
- lt's got to be worth a try.
Well, l'm not doing the DVD.
(She's the brightest star
l've ever seen
(lt's like we're living
ln some kind of dream
(Why do l feel overcome
With hope and joy?
(Cos she's shining down her light
(And she's gonna be my girl
And me her boy (
((Piano music over dialogue)
Whoo!
OK, er...
OK, nice and loud. ln here, in here. Go!
(Sniffs)
(l want you with me, Christmas...
'Hello, Miss Jennifer, you don't know me
but l've heard a lot about you
and the children have got
something they want to tell you.
'Mr Maddens is having
a hard time without you.
'Mr Maddens loves you so much
so can you please come back?'
'Please, please come back
and mend Mr Maddens' heart.'
'Mr Maddens
is heartbroken without you.'
'Without you Mr Maddens is lost.'
'Mr Maddens is miserable
without you, Jennifer.'
'So...so please, please come,
'and come and see the show
while you're here,
'and everything will be good.'
(To keep my heart aglow (
(MC) The Lord Mayor welcomes
Mrs Bevan and Mr Maddens.
- Hello. Paul Maddens.
- Nice to meet you.
- How do you do?
- Nice to see you again, Mrs Bevan.
You look marvellous.
This old thing,
it comes out at Christmas time.
- You look like a Christmas cracker.
- Thank you very much.
Let's hope you get pulled
before the end of the night.
- Can l take you for a drink, Mrs Bevan?
- Mm.
- You'd like a glass of champagne.
- l'd love another one.
lt's very nice, very cooling.
- Patrick Burns.
- Hello.
- Coventry Evening Telegraph.
- l know who you are, yeah.
- Excited?
- About?
- Hollywood?
- Oh, yeah, that old thing. No.
l've got contacts there,
had them for years. Pulling in a favour.
Yeah, yeah, from a young lady.
Jennifer, isn't it? Jennifer?
Yeah. You know, sorry, l know how this
works. No, this is like you're a reporter.
No, no, l'm off duty. l'm off duty.
- l hear there's no such thing.
- Oh, please.
Gordon was just saying how you had
a few problems in the beginning
and then he said to her,
"You go, girl, you go to LA."
- Really?
- l just wondered your take on it all.
l'm sensing a lot of anger.
Are you? Why would that be, l wonder?
Could it be because you are the man
who, five years ago, roundly trashed
my one honest attempt
at putting on a nativity?
Are you sure it was me?
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"
was the headline.
- And now, when there's a chance...
- Oh, come on, it was appalling.
- So you do remember it?
- l did that review to make you tough.
Look at you now,
you're mixing with Hollywood.
You're no one if you haven't had
a bad review off Patrick Burns.
That's why they call them
Burns victims.
- (Applause)
- Ladies and gentlemen!
Can l thank you for your attendance
and your support
because l would like to congratulate
Mr Maddens and St Bernadette's School
for the incredible opportunity that
they are affording our wonderful city.
Mr Maddens.
Now, in honour of this occasion,
and much against the council's wishes,
the mayor's parlour
has overruled the council
and we would like to offer the cathedral
ruins as a venue for your show.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Mr Maddens. This is brilliant.
This is gonna blow your mind.
Prepare to be amazed.
We're doing it at the cathedral.
What?
We're doing the show
in the ruins of the cathedral.
- Yes! The cathedral's got a spire.
- lt's got a spire.
You don't seem to understand
that the bigger this gets,
it's now constituting fraud.
He's getting corporate sponsors to give
money and give their services for free.
We need money. We need lights.
We need a little smoke machine.
We need someone to help us
do the hanging, because l can't.
- l think l need someone...
- Mr Poppy, stop it, please. Seriously.
- What are you doing?
- l think l'm having a heart attack.
- Mr Maddens?
- Don't touch me.
- Mr Maddens, you're upset, aren't you?
- Oh!
l can give you a cuddle?
Cuddles make it all go away.
l promise. Feel this.
You're hurting me.
We can do this, Mr Maddens, can't we?
Yes, we can.
- No, we can't.
- We can. We can.
Look, l'll leave you here, all right?
You can listen to the music.
- (Music playing)
- Relax, l'll take care of the children.
Believe, Mr Maddens. Believe.
(l've had a little makeover
And l'm all dressed up tonight...
Out to here. The audience is here.
(A cheeky drink, a naughty wink...
- Yes.
- (Stand back and put your shades on
(Cos l'm about to shine...
This is an old cathedral.
Fill the cathedral. That's good.
- (There's no starlight like mine...
- Yes.
- (Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh...
- Very good. Wonderful.
Now, see,
can you cut the music, please?
That has got to come in after the...
(Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
(Bosh! Sparkle and shine...
lt has to have that ferocity to it.
lt's a cathedral we're trying to fill,
not just this hall.
At the moment you're not even
hitting me when l'm here. Again, please.
(l've had a little makeover
And l'm all dressed up tonight
(A cheeky drink, a naughty wink
(We'll loosen up all right
(Stand back and put your shades on
Cos l'm about to shine
(My blinding light will thrill you
(Cos there's no starlight like mine
(Sparkle and shine
(Planets gather round
(Sparkle and shine
(Let's all make a dazzling sound
(Here's something you won't believe
(lt's the first time ever Christmas Eve...
Eve
Very good, very good, well done.
- (Bell rings)
- All right, due back here in an hour. Go.
Mr Poppy! Mr...
Right, carefully, please. Carefully, Lucy.
Hello, Sadie.
That was great. Well done.
Um...l don't really want to do it.
- You don't want to do what?
- The singing and dancing.
Come here, sit down, sit down.
(Clears throat)
Sadie, that was absolutely brilliant.
Everyone's gonna laugh at me.
No, everyone's gonna laugh with you.
Anyone who tells you that anyone's
gonna laugh at you must be a fool,
because you were great up there,
and you shone like the brightest star.
You were really good.
Please don't drop out now.
(Sighs)
Truth be known, l need you.
l need all of you in it, OK?
lf you don't do it for yourself,
just please look at me.
l'm a man literally on the edge
of something, l don't know what.
But if you go now,
it will really, genuinely,
hurt me.
You were great up there.
- Do l have to wear a stupid costume?
- Yes.
lt's the nativity, you can't look cool.
Go on, go and have your lunch.
(Sighs)
Oh, you're joking.
(Saffron) 'Dear Father Christmas, l'm
so scared of not doing the play properly,
'so please could you make
my Christmas wish come true
'and make Hollywood
love us in the play?
'PS. Make me be Mary.
Love, Saffron.'
(Oli) 'Dear Santa, please send me
loads of stuff and surprises.
'l want to be happy
and see more of my mum
'because she never spends
any time with me.
'And please let me be Joseph. She's
never seen me do a school play before.
'Thank you very much. From Oli.'
(Charlotte) 'Dear Santa, please
let my Christmas wish come true.
'l'd really love for everyone in the world
to be happy, even Mr Maddens.
'Please help him get his girlfriend back
when she comes to see us.
'Thank you very much.
From Charlotte.'
(Lucy) 'Dear Father Christmas,
please make my teacher happy
'because he seems really sad,
he doesn't even like Christmas.
'So, please help him find his smile.
'Love from Lucy.'
Right, who wants to go
on a death slide?
- Me!
- Yes!
- What's going on?
- l'm going.
- What do you mean?
- l'm going to Hollywood.
- Are you being serious?
- Yes, l am.
Aah! l want to kiss you!
And me too?
No, no, you've got to be here,
look after the play. You're my wingman.
Yes, Mr Maddens.
Send me a postcard, man.
- l will do.
- OK. Duh-duh-duh!
(Hollywood's a-coming!
Hollywood's a-coming! (
(PA) 'Flight 715 is now ready
for boarding...'
- Mr Maddens!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Room for two little ones?
- Sorry?
- William and Saffron are coming.
- They can't.
l've got the consent forms from the
parents. Passports. l've got the tickets.
Miss Rye and l thought it'd be
a really good idea if they come with you,
because they can do the singing,
dance and do the opening numbers.
The gate's closing.
What are your allergies?
Ponies, horses, donkeys and cats.
- You'd better take these back.
- lt's a good idea. lt's a good idea.
- Desmond.
- They can help you.
l'm not taking two children
on an eleven-hour flight.
((THE RONETTES: "Sleigh Ride")
(Just hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling too
(Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong
(Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you
(Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling, "Yoo-hoo!"
(Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong (
- Mr Maddens, look what we've found!
- What is it?
So, we're in the right area. We're closer
to her than we were at the beach. Good.
We should be getting
very near Beverly Hills now.
Saffron!
lf we come across anyone, let me do
the talking and you keep schtum, OK?
Now just follow me.
Excuse me.
Do you guys have an appointment?
l have an appointment with Jennifer
Lore. My name is Paul Maddens.
- Can l see some lD, please?
- Sorry?
- l need to see a piece of lD.
- l'm so sorry.
l haven't got it with me.
l was going to meet her for lunch.
You're not on the list. So l wouldn't be
able to let you on, even if you had it.
ls it possible to check? l'm here.
l've come all the way with them..
l just updated this, but l'll check one
more time for you. So, you stay here.
- Follow me! Come on, this way!
- Hey, stop! Come here! Stop!
Come here! Stop!
Quick!
Come on!
OK, come here, come here.
- Hold on tight.
- Hey, stop!
Stop, wait! Respect the badge! Stop!
- Help! l can't slow down!
- Whoa! Whoa!
Think Gabriel!
Father Thomas, it's not your bit.
What do you mean, it's not my bit?
(Bleating)
(Piglet squealing)
Oh!
Good morning,
lndependent United Pictures.
That's a David Lowestein?
OK, putting you through.
Good morning,
lndependent United Pictures. Hi, Angie.
l know.
Putting you through.
How can l help you, sir?
- Hi. My name is Paul Maddens.
- lndependent United Pictures. Uh-huh.
That's for a Shaun Michell?
OK, putting you through. l'm sorry, sir.
Paul Maddens to see
Jennifer Lore at 10:00.
- Can l take your name again, sir?
- Paul Maddens. M-A-D-D-E-N-S.
- And that's a P-A-U-L-L?
- P-A-U-L.
- No, just one L.
- L. l don't have that appointment, sir.
- Sir, move away from the desk.
- l've moved away.
Tony, we have children in reception!
- So what's the problem there?
- Tony!
- Calm down.
- l'm so sorry, there's this crazy guy...
- And he's been...
- Yeah, no, it's fine. lt's OK. lt's fine.
You look amazing.
- Why are you here?
- You know why l'm here.
You didn't give me much of a choice.
You wouldn't return my calls.
Paul, l don't understand
what l'm meant to do.
Look, you shouldn't be involved in it
but somehow we've got to a situation
where the whole town thinks
that Hollywood are coming.
Why do l feel
like l'm suddenly ten years ago?
l tried to maintain a contact with you.
- You did not want anything to...
- Excuse me. Sorry. Jen.
- This is that letter of agreement.
- OK.
- You can take time off and come and...
- l can't take time off.
Hang on. All of a sudden, an executive
producer can't just take their time off?
- l'm not an executive producer.
- What are you, then?
l...l file, l answer phone calls,
l speak to people.
l put people in meetings,
out of meetings.
- A secretary?
- Yeah.
You can't be a secretary.
You can't be a secretary.
She does a lot more than that,
and you should respect her...
Yes, l am. l am pretty much a secretary.
Yeah, yeah.
l'm sorry, look l know this is mad.
l know this is insane
and it's my fault.
l'm asking you for one more favour
and then l'll be out of your life.
l can't do anything, l have no power.
lf you can't do it, who can?
Harrison, are you up for it?
- No, l'm sorry you came all this way.
- Trip to England?
Paul, listen, l'm really sorry
that you've come over here.
- ls there a Harvey or Bob?
- There's not.
- Who could help me out?
- Have you got an appointment?
No, but l'm not leaving here with these
two without something to take home.
Come here!
- Kevin, get Security.
- Security, please.
Come on. Here it is. This way. This way.
Have you heard of the nativity?
- (Sighs)
- You have. l can tell you have.
Right, so we're doing our nativity show.
- Mary meets Joseph, they give birth...
- l know the story.
OK, you know the story, then,
but it's being performed by 24 children...
lt happens every year in every school
around the world where Christians are.
So, what's so special about yours?
A good question.
Here's an even better answer.
One, two, three, four.
- (Things are really cool in Nazareth...
- Sing it out.
(Our city is full of joy
(Cos this is where girl meets boy...
Yes, that's a Shaun Burridge,
putting you through.
(Paul) Last chance.
- Bye, Paul. Thanks for dropping by.
- Oh, shut up, Harrison.
(Sighs)
They're not coming, are they?
No, they're not.
- ls it our fault?
- Hey, what? No.
No, it's not your fault. Come on.
Although you could
have sung a bit better.
They're expecting Hollywood
to come and see their show.
Mr Parker, we can make that happen.
l got 50 states.
l've got hundreds of towns
in each one of those states
that are putting on a nativity play.
l don't need to travel 6,000 miles.
Mr Parker, l need you to do this for me.
l have worked here
for three years and...
every morning at ten to eight
l take your coat, l hang it up.
At nine o'clock l get you your coffee,
l put it on your table.
l take away the letters,
l put them into the out box,
l take the other letters and put them
into the in box. l file, l fax, l smile.
Jennifer,
that's what you're paid to do.
l know.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Hello.
- Well?
No joy.
(Mrs Bevan) To take two children
out of here without my permission!
- Mrs Bevan, l have consent.
- Thank goodness for that!
lt was the first thing Mr Poppy gave me.
Otherwise it would be abduction and
the whole school would have to close.
l would never have got on the plane
had l not had these.
Do you realise the school could get
into severe trouble over this?
- What is this?
- l don't know what that is.
What is that? Did you do that?
Desmond, l trusted you.
l trusted you with children.
Small lives.
l thought you could rise to the challenge.
- But you have been a disaster.
- l'm really sorry, Auntie Pat.
- Did you know about this?
- Not that. But l did know about...
- No.
- What did you know?
- We've got to tell her.
- Speak to me. What did you know?
Well, actually, Hollywood,
they're not coming.
Paul, Mr Maddens panicked, l think,
and, er...lied.
Why did l ever, ever for a minute
think that this school
would ever have
anything good happen to it,
and out of the ordinary
and successful and...
and helpful to me and the children?
Why did l ever think that would happen?
Of course it wouldn't.
- Mrs Bevan.
- Start looking for another job.
- Sorry?
- And you, you're out.
You're irresponsible, you're not focused.
You're, l think, possibly
educationally subnormal.
You have an attitude of wanting
to be a friend to the children
rather than a professional adult.
Which anybody can do. Any fool
can say, "Who wants to meet a pig?
"Hands up, who wants to go
to a hospital." Any fool can do that.
And it transpires that you are that any
fool, and l really had high hopes for you.
For five minutes
l thought you were something else,
but, no, it transpires
you are actually just an idiot.
(Sobs)
As you know, l've been away
for a couple of days
and in that time something
has changed regarding our nativity.
l'm afraid l let you believe
that Hollywood were coming
and they're not coming.
But worse than that,
we are not actually being allowed to do
the show, there will be no nativity at all.
Can't we do the show anyway?
We don't care about Hollywood.
Unfortunately not. Mrs Bevan
is not gonna let us do the show.
Please, please, please, Mr Maddens.
Can we still do the nativity? Please?
l told a lie,
and l let that lie grow and multiply
and turn into lots of other little lies,
and, as l've told you all, probably,
on many different occasions,
a lie always, always causes
more problems than it solves.
Which is why l shan't be here next term.
This will be my last term here.
l won't be coming back.
And worse than losing my job,
my position, my security,
much worse than that is that
l'm not gonna see any of you again.
And...
...that's a very hurtful thing for me.
Come on, back to your class, please.
(Have yourself a merry little Christmas
(Let your heart be light
(Next year all our troubles
Will be out of sight... (
- There's a wee joke in it.
- ls there?
Oh!
- Just that little bit there.
- That's good.
- Hey.
- Jennifer, how are you?
- l'm all right.
- Good to see you.
(Until then
We'll have to muddle through...
- l love you.
- l love you, too.
(Somehow
(So have yourself
(A merry little Christmas... (
Who are you
and where do you come from?
We are the three kings
and we've come to find the baby Jesus.
He's the new King of the Jews.
Kill every boy child in this land!
- Where's my baby? Where's my baby?
- Where's my baby? Where's my baby?
(Shouting)
(Screaming)
l am the King!
(So have yourself
(A merry little Christmas
(Now... (
Nouns are used to name a person,
animal, place, thing or idea.
We've got football,
pineapple, iguana, guitar.
Nouns can be replaced
by these pronouns.
They can replace nouns
or other pronouns.
So, ours, she, one, he, it,
this, these, you, none.
- Are you all right, Cleo?
- No, not very.
- What's the problem?
- Nothing.
- TJ?
- l miss Mr Poppy.
Everyone misses Mr Poppy.
We'd be doing the play
if Mr Poppy was still here.
Poppy! Poppy!
What am l doing? Meet me in the hall
in ten minutes. We're doing the play.
(Cheering)
(Sighs)
- All right?
- (Sheep bleats)
Desmond, l've come to apologise.
l said some things to you
that were unforgivable,
and that weren't true
and that were mean,
and l want you to come and do the play
with me because l've told the children
and l can't do it without you.
l messed everything up.
l know l put it on you, l know l did.
You were right all along,
and for a dundus, you've been right on
the money every single step of the way.
You said l was scared, l denied it.
You were absolutely right.
You said l was still in love with Jennifer,
l denied it and you were absolutely right.
Well, let's do it. What are you waiting
for? We better get going, all right?
- You're going to do it?
- Yeah, let's do it.
Right, thank you.
You're not gonna regret it.
Oh, my gosh!
lt looks amazing.
You remember
where to press the button.
- Don't be nervous, you're a Nazarean.
- Mr Maddens?
l don't want to be a building.
l want to get a proper part.
You're playing part of Nazareth
in a song called Nazareth.
Now, please, everyone calm down!
Fingers crossed, my friend.
- l'm nervous. l don't want to do it.
- l'm nervous, and l don't want to do it.
But it's you and me.
We're gonna beat them all.
Come on, Mr Maddens. We've got to
get going. We haven't got much time.
This is what everybody in Nazareth
used to wear, even the women.
Not on the women, no.
(Whispers) Buddy, Buddy,
it's exciting, isn't it?
Look, the audience are filling up.
OK, everybody listen up, all right?
Big bit of advice
and l had to learn this the hard way.
Can everybody make sure
you've done a poo and a wee,
because there won't be a chance
when we get the show going,
So, you can use my caravan,
do a poo and wee.
Come back! Come back!
There will be no show this evening.
Now, l have just had a phone call
telling me that this was all happening.
- What is all this?
- Mrs Bevan.
l cancelled this performance!
l cancelled the show! You are sacked!
- You know you are sacked.
- What else can you do to me?
- Desmond! Desmond!
- Thank you! This is marvellous!
- Well done, young man. Look at them!
- Thank you.
Don't they look wonderful?
Break a leg, kids!
- l need to have the microphone.
- OK, l'm gonna do it.
- Can you watch from that wing, please?
- Come on, love.
This is gonna be sensational.
The town will be so proud of you.
Ladies and gentlemen, mums and dads,
l just want to thank you for
all the effort you've put into the show.
But if l had to single any one person out
for their efforts,
for their time, their diligence
and their enthusiasm,
it would have to be Mrs B,
better known to you as Mrs Bevan.
- Come on, come and take a bow.
- (Applause)
Mrs Bevan. Come on. Come on.
(Cheering)
Um...hello. Thank you very much, ladies
and gentlemen, it's very kind of you.
Er...this will be my last nativity play,
so it's a bit special, really.
We're used to the school hall,
we don't have all this beauty around us
normally for the play.
The mums and dads who've been
to see our nativity play know that, er...
you know, things can go
a little bit wrong with the little ones.
Don't expect... l was going to say,
don't expect too much.
But, er...l shouldn't have said that.
Smack.
Nobody ever expects enough
of the children at St Bernadette's.
Everyone expects them
to go down the drain,
and l'm going to change that.
That's what l said
tonight it stands
a chance of coming true.
l've not seen it.
l don't know what's gonna happen.
But all l know is that each and every
one of these children is amazing
and wonderful
and a little pocket of stardust.
Hear, hear.
Hope you enjoy it.
(Things are really cool in Nazareth
(Our city is full of joy
(Cos this is where girl meets boy
(Barely out of school in Nazareth
(Parents join hand in hand
(This is no one-night stand
(A wedding is being planned
(Here in Nazareth...
Sing out, sing out.
(Nazareth, the place to live
(Always willing to forgive
(Nazareth, your big heart swells
(We can hear those wedding bells
(Feeling in a fix in Nazareth
(Rules there to be obeyed
(Arrangements are being made
(Got to get your kicks
(ln Nazareth
(Maybe you'll run away
(Start out a brand-new day
(Still you cannot betray
(Good old Nazareth...
(Cheering and whistling)
(He's not my type
(She's not too bad
(Not the most gorgeous l've ever had
(l'll grow to love her
(lt might work out
(Too young to know what it's all about
(And yet there's something
(Behind those eyes
(A fire that flickers but never lies
(Could l love him?
(Could she love me?
(You can't rush
lnto what is meant to be
(One look
(And we're forever
(One look
(And it's like we've always known
(One look
(We're boxing clever
(Together forever
(And always home
(Together forever
(And always...
(Always, always
(Home! (
(Cheering and applause)
(Applause fades)
OK, mate, it's your big moment.
Don't look down.
(Thunderclap)
(Screams)
(OK, people, hear the news
l've got something to yell about
(OK, people, forget the blues
Here's something to feel swell about
(Good news, click your fingers
Good news, stamp your feet
(Good news always lingers
(Good news, feel the beat
(Good news, wakey-wakey
Good news, shake your ass
(Good news, shakey, shakey!
Good news, mission mass!
(Good news!
(Hey, little sister, hear the word
(There ain't no need for a big stork bird
(Time to holler, time to dance...
Ooh!
(You're gonna need some bigger pants
(Good news! Good news!
(Yeah, good news
(Good news, yeah!
(Your belly's growing
You get the idea...
- Mr Maddens?
- Yes, darling?
l have a tummy ache,
l don't think l can go on.
- Have you tried taking deep breaths?
- Yeah.
- Tried taking your hat off, for once?
- Mm-hm.
- Alfie, you're just gonna have to do it.
- What?
- Can you go on in Sam's place, please?
- No way.
- Why?
- Because that's a girl's costume.
You already look like Barbarella. Go in
there and get dressed. Thank you, Sam.
(Applause)
(Applause and cheering)
Mary and Joseph were told they had
to travel to Bethlehem to be counted
because of the nasty, mean King Herod.
- (Gordon) Stop, everyone!
- Mary had to run...
Stop! You shut up!
Stop! Stop, everyone!
That will do. OK. That's the end! Stop!
- l'll have that, please. Give me that.
- (Jeering)
Right, my name's Gordon Shakespeare.
You thought you were here to see
Hollywood. You're here to meet them.
Not to see this substandard chav fest!
lt falls upon me to tell you that
no one was coming from Hollywood!
No one was coming and nobody will!
That man is a sham!
As if Hollywood
would come to Coventry! No!
Look at him. He's a dishonest person.
He lied.
What is it?
lt's a star.
(Whirring)
lt's Hollywood!
Ladies and gentlemen,
may l please introduce to you
the star of Bethlehem
and her sparkling sparklers!
(Ooh, ooh
(Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ah
(Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh...
OK, everybody, clap your hands. l'm
a superstar and l'm coming out tonight.
(l've had a little makeover
And l'm all dressed up tonight
(A cheeky drink, a naughty wink
(We'll loosen up all right
(Stand back and put your shades on
(Because l'm about to shine
(My blinding light will thrill you
(Cos there's no starlight like mine
(Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
(Sparkle and shine
(Planets gather round
(Sparkle and shine
(Let's all make a dazzling sound
(Here's something you won't believe
(lt's the first time ever, Christmas Eve
(l've got my light within me
And it's coming out for you
(l'm dizzy with self-confidence
Hope you can feel it too
(l'm lighting up the skies tonight
(So come on, join the party
(Make the moment last all night
(And keep the skies all starry...
Oli! Oli! Your mum's here.
l just saw her. She's right at the back.
So, when you do your rap, just look
for her and give it your everything.
- And the donkey's freaking out.
- Sorry?
l didn't have any mints so l gave it
chocolate. lt's feeling icky.
- You gave it chocolate?
- Yeah, l've got to do narration.
(Here's something you won't believe
(lt's the first time ever
Christmas Eve...
(Applause)
The four kings saw the beautiful
shining star rising from the east side.
They thought she looked... Rrrr!
So they decided to follow her.
One time.
Come on. Come on.
- Two times, come on.
- (Shining down the light
- (Peace to the star
- (Shining down the light
(What a moment when l saw her first
(She stole my heart
(So it's about to burst
(l'm the guy she twinkles for, je t'adore
(Cos she's blinding me with love
(She's my saviour from above
(She's the brightest star l've ever seen
(Brightest star
(lt's like we're living
ln some kind of dream
(lt's like some kind of dream
(Why do l feel overcome
With hope and joy?
(Because she's shining down her light
(And she's going to be my girl
And me her boy
(l'm feeling like l've got to follow her
(With frankincense
And lots of gold and myrrh...
Excuse me.
(She is going to lead the way
To Christmas day
(Hallelujah feeling good
(Time to leave this neighbourhood...
Hello, Mr Maddens.
You weren't coming.
l know.
(She's my shining star from above
(She twinkles and she sprinkles
And l want to be her love
(l want to squeeze her, please her
Share a slice of pizza
(Extra spicy!
(She makes me hot under the collar
And fizzy deep inside
(l wish l could lasso her
And take her for a ride
(She's tiny, she's shiny
She sparkles in the night
(l love her and l need her
To guide me through the night! Word! (
(Cheering)
Eventually, Mary and Jo-Jo found an
innkeeper what was nicerer. He said...
You can use my stable. At least it's dry.
- Yeah, man. Huh!
- (Laughter)
They asked the animals if they could
nestle down to pop out the baby Jesus.
(Whinnying)
The donkey said nay, but the other
animals said it was all right.
And everyone what was anyone
gathered round to witness...
(Explosions and screaming)
Buddy, what happened?
Well, l put that plug in
and it all exploded.
Don't worry, l'll take care of it. You've
got to get on stage. Headphones off.
Shh, l'm going to give you all a candle.
We've got these candles here.
As soon as you've got one, just make
your way out onto the stage, OK?
Everyone, this is Jennifer, who
you all heard about, from Hollywood.
- Hello. Hi.
- Give out the candle.
(Sometimes life is not all it can be
(And here we are
(Wondering just how far
This road can lead
(And here we are
(Then from the darkness
Shines a bright burning star
(And who we are
ls changing within our hearts
- (One night
- (One night
(One moment
And everything's changed
(One night, one moment
(And everything's changed
(One night, one moment
(Tonight is so pure and so special
(We'll never feel lonely again
(Cos we are all standing together
(As friends
(Ooh, ooh, ooh
(And everything's changing forever
(One night, one moment...
(Laughter and applause)
Yes!
Come on, everybody! Clap your hands!
We're gonna tear the roof off this place!
Let's rock and roll!
Bob! Bob!
- Wig out! Yeah!
- (Cheering)
Alice, best back flips ever!
(Cheering)
Oli!
Edward, best fluffercuff!
- (Squelching)
- TJ, throw some shapes!
(Cheering)
- Best burp ever!
- (Burps)
We've got a special guest
from Oakmoor!
Thomas, joined by Becky. Boogie!
Rock and roll!
Yeah!
Mr Maddens, come up!
Come on!
Bring Jennifer with you, come on!
(Cheering)
Miss Rye! l love you!
Critic man, come up and boogie!
lt doesn't matter
how many stars you give it!
Gordon, come up.
- No, Gordon! Gordon!
- (Cheering)
(Cheering)
(Sparkle and shine
(Planets gather round
(Sparkle and shine
(Let's all make a dazzling sound
(Here's something you won't believe
(lt's the first time ever, Christmas
(Sparkle and shine
(Planets gather round
(Sparkle and shine
(Let's all make a dazzling sound
(Here's something you won't believe
(lt's the first time ever
Christmas Eve (
'And from that night me and Jennifer fell
in love with each other and Christmas
'all over again.
'And as for our nativities,
they just kept getting better.
Don't mind being a shepherd
or a stage manager.
(Sometimes life is not all it can be...
l always wanted to be Mary
in the whole of my life.
l would like to be Angel Gabriel.
Ah-ah-ah-ah...
(And just how far this road can lead...
l wouldn't mind being a donkey.
(Squelching)
Actually, l'd quite like to be the star.
- (Burps)
- Bah, humbug!
(Then from the darkness
Shines a bright burning star
(And who we are
ls changing within our hearts...
You might not like this but you might do.
lt's dancing.
- (One night
- (One night
(One moment
(And everything's changed
(One night, one moment
(And everything's changed
(One night, one moment
(Tonight is so pure and so special
(You'll never feel lonely again
(Cos we are all standing together
(As friends
(Ooh-ooh-ooh
(And everything's changing forever
(One night
(One moment (
(Paul) Why do you want
to play an innkeeper?
Because l love to,
because he swears all day.
((Silent Night)
(Silent night
(Holy night
(All is calm
(All is bright
(Round young Virgin Mother and Child
(Holy lnfant so tender and mild
(Sleep in heavenly peace
(Silent night
(Holy night
(Shepherds quake at the sight
(Glories stream from heaven afar
(Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia
(Christ the Saviour is born
(Christ the Saviour is born...
- (Silent night
- (Silent night
- (Holy night
- (Holy night
(Son of God
(Love's pure light
(Radiant beams from thy holy face
(With the dawn of redeeming grace
(Jesus Lord at thy birth
(Jesus Lord
(At thy
(Birth (
Get in there, baby. Get in.
(Ooh, ooh
Ah
(Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh...
OK, everybody, clap your hands.
l'm a superstar
and l'm coming out tonight.
(l've had a little makeover
And l'm all dressed up tonight
(A cheeky drink, a naughty wink
We'll loosen up all right
(Stand back and put your shades on
Cos l'm about to shine
(My blinding light will thrill you
Cos there's no starlight like mine
(Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
(Sparkle and shine
(Planets gather round
(Sparkle and shine
(Let's all make a dazzling sound
(Here's something you won't believe
(lt's the first time ever Christmas Eve
(l got my light within me
And it's coming out for you
(l'm dizzy with self-confidence
Hope you can feel it too
- (l'm lighting up the skies tonight
- (So come on, join the party
- (Let's make the moment last all night
- (And keep the skies all starry
(Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
(Sparkle and shine
(Planets gather round
(Sparkle and shine
(Let's all make a dazzling sound
(Here's something you won't believe
(lt's the first time ever
Christmas Eve (