You're sure about this?
Mm-hmm.
[ whispering ]
Why are you guys in my school?
Are we supposed
to have scouts now?
Mikey, we just need to chat, okay?
Now, usually, we'd talk to you
like men should talk to a little boy,
but, today, we're gonna talk
like we're all men.
Let's all make
a scouting promise.
No matter what
we talk about in here,
nobody's gonna cry, okay?
Agree?
Why would we cry?
Sometimes you don't see a thing
coming till it hits ya.
Then it goes in your ears,
it goes into your heart,
and you can feel it hurting
all the way down.
I mean, Mikey, you can feel it
hurting all the way down
to your little butt crack, you feel it.
It's like a punch
to your insides, man.
And you're not expecting this.
It's like a sucker punch.
Waah!
Mikey, you know, we all have people
that we can depend on.
Ivan's got me,
and Eddie's got Ivan, and,
hey, all three of us,
we've got you.
And I've got my dad.
RANDY: Oh, boy.
Okay, you know,
my dad's been sick for a long time,
and he's not gonna be
around forever.
I know this.
And maybe you haven't
had time to think about this, but,
you know, our dads...
Your dad loves you, man,
no matter what,
and no matter
where he might be.
RANDY:
Even if he goes away.
- Goes away forever.
- Forever?
Is he okay?
What? Wait.
Is he dead?
This is the sucker punch
that I was talking about.
Mikey...
I'm not gonna cry, Mr. Stevens.
Um...
Do you want a cigarette?
You? No.
Okay, okay.
[ Imitates sound of cigarette lighter]
[ Exhaling ]
[ Exhaling ]
RANDY: You made the right choice
by becoming a Boy Scout.
Even without a dad,
we're always going to be here for you.
That is in our blood.
It's part of our history.
Look at the great men
who came before us. It's FDR.
Whatk up, Neil Armstrong?
Hey, look, Hank Aaron.
Bill Gates, David Bowie,
Donald Rumsfeld...
This brave,
honorable group of men,
none of them are losers,
and all of them started as scouts.
My father founded one of
the greatest scouting troops in the country.
He raised my brother and me
by the pages
of the "Boy Scout Handbook,"
and I followed in every one
of my dad's footsteps.
But my brother hated the woods
and mocked our uniforms
and camping trips.
He quit, and the other boys
were quick to follow,
deserting our troop.
The scouts became a joke to them.
[fire hisses]
Like right now,
I'm losing my dad, too.
And when he's gone,
it'll be up to me to step fon/vard,
become the leader
of the next generation of scouts,
and guide our troop
down those paths to greatness.
- [ heart monitor beeping]
- MAN, on TV: And three...
and two...
We're gonna do eight more,
and we're gonna go all the way.
[upbeat music playing]
J' We had it made J'
J' We'd walk and talk and thought J'
J' And figured it out J'
J' Way out J'
J' Scream and shout J'
J' Sing it again J'
[snoring]
[Ivan groaning]
It's fine.
Just come and
put your hand like this,
and push it hard.
No.
Look, the blood that's going to his feet,
it's coming from here.
That's where you
gotta stop the blood flow, man.
Yeah. Tibbits, go.
It's just his femoral artery. Do it.
IVAN:
Come on, Tibbits. [groans]
EDDIE: Go ahead, Tibbits.
I don't want to.
It's sweaty and gross in there.
So, Tibbits, you're gonna
let him bleed to death?
No, Tibbits.
Don't let me die.
RANDY: With the amount
of blood he has lost,
he's looking
at an amputation or death
unless you jump to thejob
and save his life.
[ laughing ]
I wouldn't touch that.
That's how you get diarrhea.
Elevate the leg, all right?
And you tie the tourniquet here.
You can save a leg and a life.
[giggling]
Look, hey, I know this looks
creepy and weird, okay?
And a lot of people die
because somebody else
doesn't want to look creepy
and weird, right?
You gotta get past that.
All right. Look, Tibbits,
we're gonna work on this
this weekend.
Any questions?
[grunting]
We've been installing these ATMs
- all over the friggin' place.
- Mm-hmm.
And the secret's pretty simple.
Just get people
to want to use 'em.
Like this guy right here.
One of our first jobs.
Simple enough.
Use this ATM, get a gumball.
Kids come by, want gum,
Mom needs money, and boo-yah!
We get a $4.75 fee.
Wait, that's genius. $4.75?
Yeah, and we've been
installing them everywhere,
daycare centers, hospitals...
I just made a deal
with a funeral home in Tulsa.
Man, I'm interested.
Whoa! Whoa! Dwande.
I said no dogs in the house.
[chuckling]
We're gonna get you
real-deal friends. Humans.
Right, Janine?
Oh, is this your wife?
KIRK:
Janine, this is Drew Pritchard.
We are talking to him about
putting some ATM machines
in his dentist office in...
And who is this little guy?
JANINE:
This is Dwande, our son.
Oh, are you having
a birthday party?
It's not my birthday.
It's an adoption day party.
He's one.
One what?
One year in the U.S. of A.
Well, he's 10, actually.
DREW: [laughing ] Okay.
He's from Africa, man!
Whoa, that's the real deal.
Africa?
Janine was in the...
What's that called, honey?
Peace Corps.
KIRK: She was all
"Save the whales" in college.
I'm sitting there,
adoption papers in hand,
I'm flying to a city with no vowels,
and I'm thinking...
What you're thinking is,
"if he can play basketball,
"this is golden."
[both laughing]
[clearing throat]
But, seriously,
first time I saw this little guy
was a pretty special moment.
RANDY: As a special surprise
for tonight's meeting
and for the cam pout this weekend,
yours truly managed to procure
the founder and scoutmaster
of this very troop,
my father and scoutmaster,
Stuart Stevens!
[ Applause]
Where's your uniform, Kent?
Mommy says I don't have to wear
that bullshit outfit if I don't want to.
Okay. First off, it's not bullshit,
and secondly, you have to wear it
if you're gonna go
camping this weekend.
KENT: Screw camping!
Especially in that crap-ass
church parking lot.
Why are you a scout, Kent?
For my rsum.
You got a rsum?
Yes. Do you?
I can't go this weekend either.
What? Tibbits, no.
This is for your Lifesaving badge
advancement.
My mom said I should
go to a sleepover instead.
Sorry, Randy. I'm not going neither.
- Gary!
- Prior obligations.
Dude, you're eight years old.
What kind of obligations you got?
Slumber party.
Guys, camping is a slumber party.
Are you still gonna do
magic tricks tonight?
No. No. Dismissed.
TIBBITS:
Wait. We can go home early?
Yes! Go! All right?
Troop dismissed!
All right, Randy, take a breath.
This is ridiculous, you know?
I know that camping in the parking lot
is lame, okay?
I know that,
but these moms! It's...
They won't let the kids
more than five miles from the house.
Gary's mom insists he has at least
three bars of cell phone service
and access to a flush toilet.
You know, when Stuart started this troop,
he had 90 scouts.
What about
the little African immigrant?
Yeah, what about your nephew?
Why doesn't he come?
My brothefs not into it.
Have you showed them
the recruitment video?
I don't want to
show them that video.
Randy, first
you sell the kids on this,
then you get the kids to sell the dads.
It's called up-selling.
Double teaming.
EDDIE:
You gotta think like a CEO, man.
We shouldn't
have to show them this video.
They should want to do it!
Hey, look, they're kids, man.
You gotta sell them on stuff.
That's how it works. You gotta do
the yickety-yickety-yickety, man.
Or otherwise, I'm gonna
tell you something, Randy,
we might as well just go ahead
and do something else, okay?
We are taking
my father camping.
Randy. Randy, chill, all right?
Just take a break, right?
Re-evaluate, man.
We're going camping.
We are not abandoning you.
We're going if it's just us and him
in the parking lot!
Right. Right. Right.
So you tell me,
without the boys,
how is that scouting, man?
[police show gunfire blaring on TV]
KIRK:
Ah, you've gotta be kidding me, man!
- Those effects are so cheap.
- GENTRY: Cheap!
- So obviously fake.
- Totally fake.
KIRK: Every time you see a guy
on fire in one of these,
- he's got his arms out like that...
- [ Gentry laughing]
Totally fake!
No one would do that!
Looks real to me.
Please, Janine,
shut your hole, all right?
JANINE:
You weren't even invited.
- What do you mean?
- [ doorbell rings]
That was my bedroom before...
KIRK:
Would you get the door, Janine?
JANINE:
I'm pretending you're not here.
I would be rolling around on the ground
trying to save my ass.
You know what I'm saying?
I know exactly what you're saying.
But maybe this was before
computer effects were invented.
Hey, Moses, you need to knock
that computer crap off, all right?
We're not talking about computers!
We're talking about a real man
with real fire here.
God, focus up already!
Oh!
Oh, no! Fuck me, I missed it.
What happened?
What happened? I missed it!
- It's outta here.
- Oh, shit!
Fuckin' Moses fucked me up!
MRS. HARTNETT: I brought a few more of 'em.
I hope you don't mind.
JANINE:
Oh, no, great.
They were all supposed
to go camping this weekend,
and I talked their mothers into this.
It's a much safer choice.
And such a good cause.
Uh, good cause?
Well, finding, you know,
friends for your new little boy.
Real American friends.
Hey, Leonard,
say hello to Ruanday.
Dwande. Dwande!
Oh, for heaven's sake,
Leonard, shake his hand.
You don't even know
anybody from Africa!
Hey, what's going on in here,
young warriors?
- You ready to have some fun?
- BOYS: Yeah!
Let me take these TVs.
Everybody in there.
Take the TVs in there.
All right. Come on, Dwande.
[ laughing ]
This is a really big step
for Leonard.
He's never done anything like this.
Oh, he's never been
to a sleepover?
No. Honestly, I--I...
I can't imagine
having my eyes off him
even for one night.
It just makes me nervous.
Oh! Please remember to have him
use his inhaler before bed.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
I just want him
to be tougher, you know?
I don't know why he's not latching on
to all those guy stuff.
Hmm. Well, listen,
they're perfectly safe here.
That gentleman is
Kirk's chief of security,
so, really, there's nothing
to worry about.
[shouting] Fuck yeah!
Smackdown is on, shitheads!
[ Cheering ]
All right, listen up, kids.
Tonight, very special night,
we've done it all for you.
Four hours to hook up
a dozen TVs to watch.
KIRK: That's right.
"HD" stands for high-def.
We also upgraded
to the triple diamond package.
That means we have
over 2,500 channels.
Yes!
And we got $800 worth
of firepower here
going up after the game tomorrow!
What? No way!
That's amazing!
By the way, guys,
illegal gunpowder.
KIRK: Straight from China.
Oh, check it out! Check it out!
Big game. All right,
I got, like, $2,000 on this.
What?!
What the hell is this? What?
Dwande! Dwande, buddy, no.
This is live TV, man.
Ah, Dwandel Do something!
Change it, man!
- [ Woman moaning]
- Aah!
[ Boys cheering ]
- Yes!
- [ laughs]
Oh, God.
MOSES: Naked lady!
Look at those bazongas!
Oh! What?
Come on, man!
No, no, no, no!
Look here, kids. Oh, it's a hit!
Put it back!
Okay! All right. Cheer, fellas!
God. Did you see that girl?
- She was getting...
- Hey.
Fuckin' waffl--
What?
[crowd cheering on TV]
[boys shouting in living room]
[pencil scratching on paper]
Hey, Dwande.
Listen, I'm hanging on
by my fingernails here,
so let's go tell your dad about
this camping trip we're going on.
He's gonna love it.
He might freak out, but let's go tell him.
Okay, this is for you,
and now let's take a look.
Not a lot of places left
around here to go camping.
Everything here's paved over,
and the point is to be away from all this,
so there's not much choice,
unless we want to go
all the way out here.
This place is restricted.
You know why?
'Cause it's awesome.
That's where my dad used to
take us when we were kids.
GENTRY: [in living room]
Okay, guys, let's get this going!
That is where we are gonna go.
ALL: Shakes! Shakes!
Shakes! Shakes!
Hey, Janine,
this party's awesome, you know?
Thanks.
And your house, it's just beautiful.
Janine! These kids need
some chocolate lubrication!
- Kirk's the luckiest man in the world.
- [ blender whirring]
- [ Power surge]
- Whoa!
GENTRY: God damn it!
Come on, Janine,
you put the blender on the same line
as our TVs, for Christ's sake.
Nobody panic!
[ Boys screaming ]
[ Boys panting in relief]
This is the sleepover?
Really?
This is what you gave up
the camping trip for?
They got shakes, Mr. Stevens.
Randy, out.
And, Dwande,
get out of that stupid costume.
Hey, you know,
hey, these are my scouts.
And that is not your son.
All right, now. Come on, Randy,
that's enough.
Come on, Dwande.
Why don't you hang out
with Kent in the kitchen?
GENTRY: Randy, Randy, Randy.
Why don't you and I take a little walk
outside together, huh?
Why don't we all
go outside together
on the camping trip
that we all agreed to?
These kids are not gonna
give up skybox seats
to go prancing
through the woods with you.
[whispering]
We got skyboxes?
You're treating them like
a bunch of bankers at a country club.
Fucking A right we are!
I will treat my son
how I want to treat him.
But he's not going
to go build fires
and tie knots with you
in the woods.
He's from Africa, brah!
Yeah. He's had enough
of that shit.
Oh, well, take a bow,
because you've set Dwande
down the path
of turn him into a douche bag
like you!
BOYS: Oh!
[ Chanting ]
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Can we please not do this
in front of the boys?
Shh! Men are talking.
I will bare-hand neuter you!
GENTRY:
Yeah! Let's neuter him, Kirk!
- [ Groaning ]
- Kirk, be careful, your angina!
- Oh. Hey...
- Kirk...
What's an angina?
- [ Boys laughing]
- Kirk! Kirk, what the hell?
- You need some help?
- BOYS: Angina! Angina!
We can all take 'em
camping together.
Randy, keep your hands
where I can see 'em!
Keep your hands where
I can see 'em!
You want me to take him out
or take him down?
Talk to me, Goose.
What do you want me to do?
I don't understand.
Fuck it, it's my call.
- I'm taking him out.
- Fuck you!
ALL: Take him out!
Take him out!
[telephone rings]
[rings]
[answering machine beeps]
[ On machine ]: Randy Stevens,
Regional President Chuck Schwatzer here
from the Boy Scout
office downtown.
Hey, I'm gonna need
those camping trip permission slips
from your boys ASAP,
or you're not gonna be able to go.
I mean, what, you got three kids
and you can't get me some slips?
What happened? Did they all quit?
[ chuckles ]
I'd love to give you
the go-ahead on this weekend,
'cause I know you've been
looking forward to this one,
but you know the rules.
No slipsies, no tripsies.
Right on, brother man.
Gimme a call at the office
and let me know.
RANDY: I'm out of ideas.
[sighs]
[TVs click on]
J' If you're sitting round
with nothing to do J'
J' Adventure is waiting for you J'
J' Like fighting dragons
with all of your might J'
J' And in the morning,
we can go for a hike J'
J' Boy Scouts! J'
It's not like that.
Randy makes us sleep in the park
next to a hobo toilet.
- This is bullshit.
- [turns off TVs]
Tibbits. Not this time, man.
No hobo toilets.
No parking lots.
I'm talking the deep woods,
the real outdoors, like scouts.
Okay? Without your moms around
treating you like little babies,
and your dads
bringing you milkshakes.
Outside?
RANDY:
Yes, Leonard, outside.
But what about our skyboxes?
Kent, who cares
about the skyboxes, okay?
Those are always gonna be there.
The stuff I'm taking you to see,
the boulders the size of houses
and the waterfalls and the wildlife,
I mean, that stuff might not
actually be here forever.
And at night there's gonna be a bonfire,
huge bonfire party.
Camping is for ugly women.
It's stupid.
Gary, take this.
- Pass it around, let everyone see it, okay?
- Holy Lord.
Wow!
Look, guys, this is
Dwande's weekend, all right?
What would you rather do? Huh?
Yeah.
EDDIE: Hey, I'm not smokin'
in the house.
I'm talking to the neighbors...
I'm not smokin' in the house.
I need you to hear me.
[traditional Irish music
playing in background]
EDDIE:
Jesus Christ! Randy.
Guys, why aren't you
in your uniforms, man?
Randy, no, no, no,
right here, right now,
get the fuck off my property,
all right?
We are staying home.
- What?
- Let me tell you somethin', motherfucker.
We got in a fight with our wives,
all right? Period.
No, no, no, no.
Camping with you
ain't worth getting yelled at.
Randy, with all due respect, man.
I know we said we's goin' with you,
but if it's cool with you, man,
and even if it's fuckin' not,
just get the fuck outta here.
We'll call this whole thing off, man.
Eddie, I want to
show you something.
I want to show you something.
[boys rapping]
- I I was walking down the street J'
- [horn beeping]
J' And I saw a bunch of girls,
I asked them for their numbers... J'
Damn! The video, it worked?
We got a troop again.
- [ Boys continue rapping]
- What's up, Pops?
- RANDY: Oh, but wait a minute.
- [beep]
You guys want to stay here
and get yelled at by your wives, so...
Fuck that. We goin'. We are in!
Welcome aboard, guys.
Good morning, Janine.
Did you get
a good night's sleep?
Hi.
Where are the other boys?
Oh. They all went camping.
Hey, Kirk!
Hey, you want to do some Pilates?
Kirk!
[all yelling]
Hey, kids...
shut the fuck up!
Everybody, dig in this box,
put yourselves together a uniform,
put it together.
We don't have much,
but make it work!
Second, anything that is electronic
goes in here,
not into the woods.
Come on, give it up,
give it up, give it up.
I know you guys got cell phones.
Let's go, let's go.
Fast, fast, move your ass.
Now, who has been
camping before?
- I have.
- Great.
Okay. Pretty good.
How many of you can peel a potato?
Nobody can peel a potato.
Okay.
Who here can start a fire?
Hey! Dwande! Nice.
All right, tell me what?
Who knows how
to kill and skin a deer?
[boys exclaiming in surprise]
Really?
Hey, Randy,
let's get to the woods.
We got Daniel Boone
up front there.
Let's go get
the camping started!
[all yelling]
Randy!
You son of a bitch!
You son of a bitch!
Where are you,
you son of a bitch?
KIRK: He's not here!
Whaa!
Look, you're not helping us
by destroying everything.
Fuck you, Randy!
All right, maybe
we're overreacting.
The kid said he took them, right?
What's your name?
- BOTH: Kent.
- Kent said that he took all of 'em!
Oh, yes, he did.
Ahhh!
I'm gonna murder him dead.
Let's murder the bastard!
What am I gonna tell their parents?
Whoa! You're not gonna
tell them dick!
Well, what about the police?
Maybe we could...
Hey, hold on! Don't say anything
to the police, all right?
Do not ruin this
like you ruined prom!
They're gonna be on us for this.
It happened in our house.
It was our fault.
I am going to find them,
but nobody else needs to be involved.
Jesus Christ,
Kirk, we lost their children.
KIRK:
Will you calm down!
Yeah, calm down, Janine!
KENT: Calm down, Janine!
I'm gonna find him, I promise,
but just help me find some clues.
[loud crashing]
Gentry, anything?
Nothin' but a fish tank!
KIRK: I'll be right up.
Now, clues are easy to find
if an idiot's leaving them,
so see what you can dig up.
GENTRY:
Kirk, help me out up here!
- Tear his toilet off the wall!
- GENTRY: Aaah!
He doesn't even have cable.
Hey, Randy, I don't think they
want us to camp in there.
Oh, yeah? Well, today,
it's not up to them.
Mr. Stevens,
can we pee out here?
Yeah. Guys, guys,
nature is your house, okay?
Nature is your toilet.
Pee anywhere you want.
Everybody, pee anywhere.
EDDIE: All right,
let me get this straight, man.
So, we're gonna trespass?
That's the plan?
Did you see his face?
Do you know how long
it's been since I've had this?
Eddie. It's the cops!
It's the nature police!
Hey, guys
I cannot get busted, okay?
What is the matter with you?
Jesus Christ, dude!
This is way beyond scout protocol.
Good morning!
Are you cleaning that up?
Clean what up?
If I came to your house
with 10 boys
and pissed on your carpet,
you'd want me to clean it up,
wouldn't you?
Well, what do you expect us to do?
Have 'em whiz in a bucket?
I mean...
There's restrooms a half mile up.
You couldn't wait though,
could you?
Well, I mean, peeing in the woods.
I mean, that's not the--
Nobody pees here!
Do you understand me?
This is state property.
If you want to be here,
you be in a public area.
We have restrooms, showers.
We have pools.
You know what?
No, thank you. We're scouts,
so we will take
our business elsewhere.
Business?
Is that what that is?
Is that a business?
Hey! This park is
not your goddamn toilet bowl!
If it don't look like a urinal,
don't piss on it!
Do you understand me?
Yeah.
Let's be a little bit civilized.
[imitating machine gun]
[telephone rings]
- [ Objects crashing]
- [answering machine beeps]
[on machine]:
Randy, Chuck Schwatzer again.
I pray to Christ that you are not
on an unauthorized campout.
Randy, that would be kidnapping.
That is some serious trouble
with the national org there.
Call me.
[Kirk and Gentry shouting
in background]
GENTRY: Kirk, let's check
the kitchen, too, man.
- Let's see if there's some snacks.
- KIRK: Janine!
What'd you get? Find anything?
What, you think I couldn't
find you cocksuckers?
Who the fuck are you?
Get the fuck outta here!
- Hey, Mikey!
- We're unarmed!
Mikey! Which one of these assholes
is your scoutmaster?
Which one told you I was dead?
Which one is it, Mikey?
I'm sorry, man.
I hope you can forgive me,
but yesterday
I'm at the hospital
gettin' a motherfucking...
[whispers] colonoscopy.
I don't know if you ever had one,
but it ain't fun.
So I'm tryin' to come home
and forget about this assault.
You know,
relax with my kids, chill out.
So I'm expecting my kids
to meet me at the door,
we have a little dinner,
but instead of kisses and hugs,
I get shot in the face
with a fucking BB gun!
- [ Kids screaming, gun popping]
- In my groin,
- my knee caps, by my own son!
- [ BBs thudding]
I don't know
what the fuck is goin' on.
Turns out Mikey gets a visit
from his scoutmasters at school,
they're armed with a newspaper.
And these dipshits
read my cousin's obituary
and tell Mikey I'm fuckin' dead!
Mikey goes home,
tells his sisters the news,
they go nuts, boom!
They deduce that their daddy
must be a goddamn ghost.
[ Screaming ]
What are you kids doing?
Try backpedaling your way out of that
with a five- and a six-year-old.
You'd be up all night. I was.
And they still don't get it. Look.
[ Screaming ]
Sounds like we got
the same ass-kicking agenda.
You know what? They sound like
some real shitty fuckers, man.
That is our hunch,
shitty fuckers!
That's not a hunch,
that's the truth.
And we're gonna
hunt 'em down.
We just need to know
where to start.
What about this, Kirk?
[ Chuckles ]
Please. Janine...
Good eye, Janine.
This might be what we need.
I think it's exactly what you need.
Yeah, but how do you know
where they're at?
Yeah, how do you know?
Well, you see the green spot
with the big circle around it?
KIRK: Oh, yeah.
GENTRY: No!
Yeah. That's probably
where he took 'em.
That's out in the woods.
He said it was
a real-deal adventure.
Jesus.
Hey, you want to come with us?
You fuckin' right,
I want to come with you,
but I got a problem.
I need somebody to watch my kids.
That's not a problem.
That's what Janine's for.
It takes a village, Janine.
Oh, yeah. Sure. Why not?
[ Claps 1
And you don't have to worry.
They have a black son, too.
IVAN: Come on, come on.
Tibbits, not all of that.
IVAN: Kids, stop fighting!
EDDIE: Who brought
a garden hose? Randy, what...
Hey! Look what I found!
A raccoon!
Should we bless him?
- Smash its head!
- [ kids yelling]
SHANE:
Slay the demon beast!
Hey, hey, guys!
Come on! Cut it out!
RANDY: Hey, hey, guys.
That's not a demon!
[yelling in foreign language]
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Bring it down.
EDDIE:
Let's bury this fucker.
Poor little raccoon.
EDDIE:
Gary, don't touch it.
All right, guys,
scouting is a complex woman,
all right?
There's many a side to her,
and is it our job to control,
conquer, and slay her?
Now, sometimes,
you know, she's a...
she's a rapacious witch.
- Other times, a tireless lover.
- [ Stuart toots horn]
So, okay. Thank you, Dad.
Does anyone know where
the word "scout" comes from?
It's a French word,
and it means "to listen."
In America, that means
"shut the fuck up," okay?
Thank you, Eddie, thank you.
So, we are each
gonna take this horn,
we're each gonna give it a blast,
and we're gonna pass it around,
and we are going to apologize
to this raccoon
and to nature, and we're gonna
pledge it our respect.
Go ahead, Leachman,
give it a honk.
- Squeeze that sucker!
- [ toot]
Nice. Pass it over.
This is the sound
and the pledge of respect.
- [ Toot]
- Nice.
Responsibility.
- [ Toot]
- Nice. Readiness.
- [ Toot ]
- Wow! Nice.
Gratitude.
- [ Toot]
- Whoa!
And finally,
Dwande, compassion.
[foot]
Very good.
Now, from this point on,
all of you are dead.
You're all dead little boys.
And when you
return from this trip,
you'll return resuscitated
and resurrected as men.
And this man is gonna be the one
that breathes new life into you,
and is gonna kiss good-bye
the little corpses
that you leave behind,
and he's gonna be proud
to shake the hands
of the men who hike
in your stead.
Jump to the job.
Everyone, say it!
BOYS: Jump to the job!
Nice. All right. Now, are we gonna
camp here tonight?
- No.
- What?
We've still got five miles
until we get to the...
- Five miles?
- Five miles?!
We're not...
We're not even in the woods yet.
- What the fuck is this?
- All rig ht? Eddie.
- Gary.
- Yes, sir?
- You want to say a few words?
- Yes.
Please bow your heads.
And hold hands.
Bless us, O Lord,
and these thy gifts...
Gary, that's a food prayer, okay?
Eddie.
Which we are about to receive
from Jesus Christ...
- [engine rumbling]
- who watches us from heaven above,
and with pure love,
from our hearts
to yours, through Christ.
Amen.
Naked lady!
[ Boys exclaiming ]
[ Horn tooting ]
Dwande, come on!
She's got titties!
- SHANE: Did you see those?
- Did you see that?
BOY: Guys, come on!
Hey, slow it down a little bit!
But enjoy!
[ laughing 1
Hey, Randy,
there's a naked lady, man!
[boys shouting]
Yo, Randy,
there's a naked lady over here,
and you're mourning
a fucking raccoon, dude.
GENTRY: You don't make
as much money as we make
and don't get to kill people.
The cold steel in my hand...
[ laughs 1
blood, uh, just pumping in my veins.
[Gentry grunts]
This is some bullshit!
I'm not gonna scare
anybody with this!
Oh, please. 99% of police work
is intimidation.
This is a starter pistol, for Christ's sake.
It shoots blanks.
It's basically just a noisemaker.
Randy's gonna shit yellow
when he sees you two.
I'm gonna kick
a crack in his ass
like the Liberty Bell,
ringin' for recess!
[laughs]
Ring-a-ding-ding.
My boys are gonna have
a sweet ass to kick when we get there.
- [ Horn honking]
- [all laughing ]
You know I love the ATM business,
but this is what I really live for.
Child kidnapping's no joke.
When we catch Randy,
I'm gonna tear one arm off
and shove it up his ass,
I'm gonna tear the other arm off
and shove it down his throat,
so he can shake hands
in his stomach.
You the two motherfuckers
that got the ATMs everywhere, right?
- Yeah.
- KIRK: Yeah.
I like that.
I just got a couple at my church.
Oh. Amen.
GENTRY:
No offense. Fuck church.
- Randy's gain' to hell.
- [ laughing]
That's some unnecessary shit
you just said.
BOYS:
Tits! Buns! Tits! Buns! Tits! Buns!
Tits! Buns! Tits! Buns!
Tits! Buns!
TIBBITS:
Did you think she was a virgin?
LEONARD:
Hey, guys, what's a virgin exactly?
- Gary's a virgin.
- GARY: Bullcrap I am!
MOSES: Would your uncle
ever leave us out here on our own?
- Shh. Shh.
- Wait, guys.
Isn't this where we started?
[twigs snapping]
LEACH MAN:
Did you hear that?
Oh, my God!
LEONARD:
Who is that?
- Who is that?
- Stuart?
TIBBITS: Oh, my God.
I don't think he's moving.
What are you doing?
MOSES:
Dwande, what are you doing?
TIBBITS:
Where are you going?
GARY:
Leave the dead in peace.
MOSES: Dwande,
don't be messin' with dead stuff.
GARY:
ls...Is he really dead?
TIBBITS: Dude, come back!
Are you crazy?
- [snarling ]
. [ boys scream]
Dwande, no!
- [ Boys screaming]
- What are you doing?
Get back into formation!
Give me that. Give me that.
EDDIE: This is an exercise.
- BOY: What?
- Tibbits, jump to the job!
- What?
- What?
There's a guy dying in the woods.
Now what do we do?
There's a guy bleeding to death
on the forest floor.
What do you do?
Stop the blood?
Stop the bleeding.
Yes, okay.
Now, think, think. What else?
Is he in shock?
Is he breathing?
There. Yeah. Okay. Perfect.
You didn't do any of that stuff!
Why didn't you do any of that?
EDDIE: You okay, Stuart?
- I thought he was dead.
- I thought he was dead, too.
You thought he was dead?
Well, he's gonna be dead
if you guys just sit around talking,
not doing anything.
But it's scary!
Well, what part of lifesaving
isn't scary?
I didn't think it was lifesaving.
I thought it was murder.
Murder? Eddie?
- Yeah?
- Eddie, help me out.
Yeah, but, Randy,
the kids are right, man.
I mean,
he looked like he was dead.
Like he was dead...
[sighs] Okay.
Look, all right, Tibbits,
I'm sorry, man.
It was a simulation
for your Lifesaving badge.
[Tibbiis crying]
It was supposed to be
like a hiking accident, you know?
Stuart can't hike.
Yeah, man, you know what?
Maybe we should have stuck
with the broken leg exercise.
Okay. Yes.
All right. But, hey,
the next time this happens,
what are you gonna do?
- Jump to the job.
- I'm sorry. What?
- Jump to the job
- Jump to the job.
Yes! Okay, guys, he's right!
Gonna jump to the job, everybody.
All right.
Oh, no!
[telephone rings]
JANINE: Hello?
LINDA: Oh. Hi, Janine.
Linda! Hi!
Everybody okay?
Yes, the boys are still here.
They're having a ball!
So we'll just swing by...
Um, Dwande would love it
if Leonard could stay for one more night,
- if that's...
- Hold on a second.
- David!
- Sure.
Uh, the mom wants to know
if Leonard could stay another...
[massager vibrating ]
- David, can you come?
- Do not touch me, Kent.
- Hi, Janine.
- Hi.
I'll be there before 9:00.
Yes. Tomorrow morning
before 9:00 A.M. Right.
- Yeah. Before church.
- Before church. Got it.
- Okay.
- Will do
- Have fun.
- Thanks so much, Linda. Bye-bye.
All right.
We need to have a discussion
- about boundaries.
- [ kiss]
[telephone rings]
Hello?
KIRK: The game's on
right now, honey,
and I paid to have Dwande's
name on the Jumbotron,
but nobody's gonna see
the goddamn thing.
Kirk! These women are going to be
on our doorstep tomorrow morning,
and if their kids aren't here,
the police are going
to have to be called.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No police, Janine.
Now, we can handle this ourselves
without the cops blaming us.
- Just buy me some time.
- [aerosol hissing ]
I'm trying,
but I'm running out of ideas.
I told them we're doing
a goddamn Bible study tonight.
That's perfect!
Goddamn, that's why I love you!
Look, just get Dwande
home safe, okay?
And please just go easy on Randy
until we make sure
we have all the facts.
Go easy?
- Janine, he...
-[ cork pops]
What was that?
Uh, look, just do whatever
it takes, all right?
I just wish I was at home
and you were doing that thing we saw
in that rap video where you...
- Okay, not now, Kirk.
- [ beep]
You are so fucking weird.
[sniffing]
You smell that?
The wee-wee?
- Mm-hmm.
- Loud and clear.
Seems like the logical place
to take a pee-pee break, doesn't it?
It sure does. A lot of kids
pissed around here.
The adults peed over there.
You can smell the coffee on it.
- You want a whiff?
- I'm good.
MR. CALDWELL:
Found a little poop over there.
- Those little BMs?
- Yeah. Little kid sizes.
Uh-huh. I saw those.
The way I see it,
the van pulled up over there,
where the tire treads are,
kids bail out over here
where the little footprints are.
- Okay.
- They do their little diddies,
they do number ones,
they do some number twos,
they pile back in the van,
and they off on the road.
Mmm. The old drive in, load out,
unload, load up, drive out.
Drive out?
Or drive in?
He's in there.
MR. CALDWELL: You think
we should save the BMs for evidence?
We don't need evidence.
We're going in there to get him.
[Ivan and Eddie grumbling]
EDDIE: Freakin' woods.
We should be home,
making babies,
- sweet, dirty love to our wives...
- IVAN: Yeah.
- Dirty babies.
- Damn!
Touching her, caressing her.
That soft ass.
- Fondling, kissing, caressing...
- Eddie. Eddie.
What?
I cannot hike when you talk sexy.
RANDY:
Let's not slow down, guys!
Bullshit we are.
Randy, we've been hiking all day.
Now we're supposed to climb this?
Almost there!
Randy! We need a break, okay?
- All of us!
- Oh, Jesus, my feet hurt.
Come on, guys!
It's just over these rocks.
MOSES: Fuck those rocks!
I thought you said
we'd be fighting dragons!
That was metaphorical, okay?
That was just on the DVD.
GARY:
We've been hiking for hours,
and haven't seen crap!
RANDY: Haven't seen...
Gary! These rocks?
These are the gateway
to scouting!
Generations of scouts
have passed over these!
EDDIE:
Randy, stop the bull, please!
Guys, who wants to go home, huh?
- I do!
- Yes!
- Take me! Take me!
- You see?
All of 'em want to go home.
Well, great.
Anyone who wants to help me
get Stuart to the top of these rocks,
you follow me.
The rest of you guys,
go right on home.
Have a big boo-hoo party
with your mommies.
They can change
your wet diapers, okay?
But how do we know
how to get back home?
If you were a scout,
you'd have no problem.
Wadonday, what's up there?
- Dwandel
- Where is he going?
GARY: Hey, Dwande!
Hey, look at that.
Dwande's gonna do this.
GARY:
I'll go if you guys go.
- Ah, what else can we do?
- Guys. Wait up.
- Wait!
- We might as well take a chance.
EDDIE: Hey!
BOY: I'm not sayin' that I really want to.
EDDIE: I thought you guys
wanted to go home!
No offense, Eddie.
You probably can't find the way home.
EDDIE:
I bet you my foot'll find your ass.
GARY: Dwande, slow down!
[cutters clipping fence]
All right. [grunts]
- Okay. Let's do this.
- Dang it, man.
What?
Well, these are
my new church slacks.
Yeah?
Well, you just crawled
through a pee-pee puddle there, Kirk.
CALDWELL: Yup.
GENTRY: I'm going back to the car
and grab my dungarees.
Just wait here, all right?
Caldwell, back me up.
Grab my iPod.
For what?
It's got a mix on there,
heavy metal.
- Oh, all right.
- Gets me all rewed up.
[ Grunts ]
You know what I mean?
I love Kirk, but he doesn't understand
how much slacks cost these days.
Hey, look around in there.
I think I got another pair
if you want some.
CALDWELL: Where's it at?
- You see 'em?
- I don't see it.
- Well, they're right there.
- I don't see it.
Y'all looking to cam p?
GENTRY: Um...
Yes, sir. That'd be great.
A lot of friendly people here,
gearing UP-
to have fun.
[Gentry chuckles]
GENTRY: Well, sounds like
our kind of people.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh...should we follow you, then?
I wish you would.
You got your pants?
Yeah, I got my pants!
KIRK: Shit!
[engine starts]
[tires screech ]
[ Hawk screeches ]
[ Chatter, indistinct]
MOSES: Look at that view!
TIBBITS: Whoa!
LEACHMAN: H0, ho, ho.
GARY: Oh, my God!
[ Boys exclaiming in amazement]
- Awesome!
- This is pretty bad-ass.
All right, hey,
you called this one.
IVAN: Damn, we made it!
MOSES:
We're camping up in this?
Oh, do we get badges
and crap now?
RANDY:
You already have your badges.
Check your arms,
check your necks.
Look at those cuts,
look at those insect bites.
You guys earned those, man.
Look at the sweat
under your armpits,
and, Leachman, that heat rash,
we'll fix that.
But, guys, you earned all of this.
You are real scouts.
So bring it all in, real scouts.
Bring it in, real scouts,
right now.
Eddie, may I?
A toast, all right?
To my dad, for being lucky enough
to be here with all of you.
And to all the dads
who couldn't be here,
Mikey Caldwell's dad,
for instance,
whose death prevented him from coming,
but you know what?
He's up camping
in the sky right now,
but he is not gonna have
as much fun
as you guys are about to have.
- Amen.
- Hey, America!
Troop 5516 is here,
and we're about to go camping in you!
- [ All cheering]
- [ horn honking]
- MAN: It's the outdoors, nipple dicks!
- [ party music starts]
No, no, no,
we're blending in just fine.
Yeah, yeah, as soon as these yokels
hit the hay, man,
we're gonna be
right there with you.
No one is deserting you.
I don't want you to be scared.
I'm not scared.
Just don't go anywhere.
You guys stay put
and make sure
nobody comes after me.
- [ hip-hop music playing]
- Stay put?
We can't break up the team, Kirk!
All right!
Caldwell and I want in on the action.
Come on!
KIRK:
This isn't about a team!
This is about my son!
GENTRY: Well, okay,
Caldwell has a son, too, you know.
Caldwell's son
is at my home with my wife,
where I should be!
- Now, if I need backup, I'll call for it.
- Backup?
- Backup.
- Backup, my ass.
I didn't come out here
to be no damn decoy
- for a park ranger, motherfucker!
- Yeah, motherfucker.
KIRK: Run distraction.
I need you guys to blend in.
It's...it's weird here, man.
lt'sjust weird, all right?
It's like some sort of redneck
swingers' party or something, man.
KIRK:
Is that park ranger still there?
GENTRY: Uh...
Yeah, he's staring at me right now.
It's weird.
I think he wants to fuck me.
Wait for my call.
I don't need you right now, Gentry.
Don't break up this partnership, man.
We got a good thing here.
- [call breaking up]
- Kirk! Kirk!
Kirk!
What the fuck
are these people doing?
Look at that asshole,
in the yellow.
What is his problem?
[owl hooting ]
KIRK: You peckewvood.
What the hell is that?
[boys howling]
[Eddie howls]
[bongos beating]
[ Boys cheering ]
EDDIE: [shouting]
Let's get the party started!
[ Boys cheering and shouting ]
Gary, have a root beer.
Normally, I'd remain celibate,
but tonight I will imbibe.
Oh. Valhalla.
How you doing there, Moses?
MOSES: Hey, what's up, man?
What's up?
[Ivan speaking foreign language]
Your troop back.
We're...
We're resuscitating it, okay?
This troop's not gonna dissolve.
It's not gonna fade away.
Randy fucking Stevens!
[ Silence]
Jesus Christ,
you got Dad out here, too?
Oh, you really went and did it.
Seven felonies and Dad to boot.
Abducting him
and all these kids?
That's desperate, Randy.
I'm getting you guys
out of here.
And, Dad, we're gonna get you
back to your room
where you need to be, okay?
Kirk, Kirk, listen.
This is our home, okay?
Right here, with the trees
over our heads,
the soil under our feet,
- and the...
- Stop it!
No more poems.
No more speeches. You're done.
Now let's pack it up,
shut this down,
and hike everybody
out of here.
This scout troop is finished!
Dwande.
Oh, come here, buddy.
- You don't have to be scared.
- RANDY: Scared?
Kirk, he's not scared, okay?
This is a brave little kid.
Did you know that?
He helped all these other kids
get up here.
I mean, he's a big part of this!
You calling my son a kidnapper?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Kidnapping?
I didn't do it. I'm not a kidnapper.
He's not a kidnapper.
Well, unless you want to go to jail...
EDDIE:
No, no, no. Look, look, look,
I don't want no problems here.
I can't go to fucking prison again.
It hurts, okay? So...
Then help me out.
You want us to tie
this motherfucker up?
Randy, run, motherfucker,
'cause I'm gonna kill you!
Eddie, it's not kidnapping
if you're related!
Bull fuck, Randy,
we're not brothers anymore.
EDDIE:
If the Boy Scouts knew...
What are you doing?
EDDIE:
You know what they would do?
- [zipper closing]
- They'd fuckin' kill all of us!
- [ Honk]
- EDDIE: You know that?
KIRK:
Oh, Dad. I'm saving your life.
I'm paying for you to be comfortable.
And you don't need
to be out here.
No one deserves to be out here.
We're cooperating!
What do you want us to do with this guy?
RANDY: Ow!
Listen to me.
We are assistants.
We don't want to get involved
in none of this shit!
Then leave.
Okay, but we could help you
with the kids, all right?
Knock it off
and get out of here!
All right. Fine. We'll leave.
[ Randy screaming ]
Randy, it's a real shithead move,
you dick!
All right.
Let's pack up and go.
MOSES:
Why'd you kick him?
Bros, they kidnapped you!
These aren't real leaders.
Hanging out in the woods
with eight-year-olds,
cooking potato dinners,
writing poems?
That's not a man.
- That's not a leader.
- [ muffled shouts]
Look. You don't need badges
from these dorks to prove something.
Then what are
we supposed to do?
KIRK: I don't know.
Stay in school
and stay off drugs, uh...
and play sports, join the Army.
Let's just get out of here, okay?
You know, we don't need to be out
in the woods talking about this.
We can be back home,
listening to some Hoobastank.
BOY: Augh!
We can have Janine
cook us some taquitos...
Come on, fellas.
Bump me and we'll hit it.
Dwande, bump your daddy.
Dwande. What's wro ng?
B u mp m e.
RANDY: Hah!
GARY: [yelling] Knock it off!
TIBBITS: Come on,
you can do this, Randy!
BOYS:
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
[boys shouting]
Come on, Randy!
Get him, Randy!
Oh! Oh!
Randy! What do we do?
[ laughing 1
Little help. Jesus!
Fellas, help!
BOYS:
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- LEACHMAN: Do you think that's real?
- Help!
I think it's another test.
- [ Screaming]
- SHANE: That's gotta be fake.
This is fake!
This looks like horseshit.
GARY:
He's probably not really on fire.
[horn beeping]
Tibbits! Jump to the job!
KIRK: [yelling]
Please help me, guys!
- TIBBITS: Is this real?
- KIRK: Jesus!
Quickly, Moses!
[honking]
TIBBITS: [yelling]
Moses, grab water!
Come on! Guys! Leonard!
Hey, Randy,
you need an air hole?
[groaning]
Jesus, Gary!
MOSES: Help me out, man!
Guys, help! I need help!
TIBBITS:
Help! Help, guys! Harder!
Come on!
No.
[fireworks whistling ]
[ Exploding ]
Get water!
[fireworks exploding ]
MOSES: Hurry up! Help him!
[ Loud explosion ]
[whistling and explosions]
[birds singing]
[forest animal sounds]
[footsteps crunch ]
Are you alive, Mr. Stevens?
[grunting]
LEONARD:
Guys. Randy's okay.
BOYS:
He's alive! He's alive!
Mr. Stevens.
Tibbits, did you...
Did you do this?
I thought you were faking it.
Be brave, Randy.
You can cry.
KIRK: Hey!
Bring...him...over...here.
[boys grunting]
KIRK: Will you get him out
of the sleeping bag?
TIBBITS: Careful, guys.
We gotta cut it.
[boys struggling]
And get rolling on
making me a stretcher, please.
GARY:
Like the one in the Bible?
Yeah, like the one in the Bible.
Guys, wait,
there was a stretcher in the Bible?
Oh, yeah! Heck yeah!
Moses, can you bring
my dad over to me?
MOSES:
Um, well, your dad is not...
- KIRK: Just bring him here.
- He's, uh...
KIRK:
You guys go pack up or help Gary.
Just give us a minute.
This is really fucked up, Randy.
You know, the boys
collected his ashes this morning
and put him in there.
Congratulations, Randy.
Dad's dead.
Now he's in a fucking cooking pot.
Huh!
I was burned buck naked.
My arms are scorched.
I can't put them down.
I was burned in places
the sun doesn't even know about.
I have a $350 Bluetooth
melted into the insides of my ear.
Dad should be in the hospital
right now, enjoying himself!
That's what I paid for!
What do you want me to say?
Say that this was
a stupid fucking idea
and that you're a total failure.
L...l failed.
I made a mistake.
Say you failed Dad.
Say it.
If ailed Dad.
Did you know I got Dad a crypt?
Got him a primo location
in the downtown cemetery.
They disinterred
a Confederate soldier
to make sure he got
a good location.
That ain't cheap.
RANDY: Jesus, Kirk!
I loved him, Randy.
You know, I've been working
with two architects and a stone mason
to ensure that he got a good burial,
so his body could be treated
with some respect.
Is there an ATM machine
in the crypt?
KIRK: Fuck you, Randy.
It's more respect
than you can afford.
He loved it out here!
TIBBITS: Randy,
we have to tell you something.
Um, Mr. Stevenses,
your dad is not
in that cooking pot.
This is my old dirty underwear.
Okay! Stretcher's ready!
Where is he?
TIBBITS:
Well, Dwande took him.
What are you talking about?
TIBBITS: He left this morning
with your dad in a backpack.
KIRK: Why wouldn't
anybody tell me?
- Where'd he go?
- GARY: It's a real doozy!
The Father, Son, Holy Spirit
will be with you.
Oh, Jesus, Gary!
You and Jesus
could be like bros!
[doorbell rings]
Daddy?
No. I'm a lady.
[laughing] Hi,
Hey! ls Leonard all set to go?
Uh...No. He's...
They went on a little...
Who are all these kids?
They're friends of...
They're kids...Friends of friends.
Kids of friends of ours.
LINDA:
Where is my son, Janine?
- Is there a problem here, ladies?
- Oh, God, help me.
Yeah. Where's Leonard?
KENT:
Leonard went camping.
No. Leonard did not
go camping.
What is he talking
about, Janine?
Read my lips, lady.
Ca-mmm-ping.
LINDA:
Well, isn't he snippy.
Janine.
Where is Leonard?
KIRK: Dwande! It's okay!
GARY: Now you can be
as cool a dude as Jesus Christ.
RANDY: Let's not bring
God or Jesus into this, guys. Come on!
[ Boys straining ]
KIRK: Dwandel
We're coming for you!
Guys, could we please
be a little more careful?
BOYS: Shut up, Kirk!
MOTHER: What kind
of monkey operation is this?
JANINE: I'm sure they'll be home soon
because Kirk promised me...
SHANE'S MOTHER:
I was under the impression
they'd be
within this immediate vicinity.
- What if there was an emergency?
- There won't be an emergency.
None of us was told
about a camping trip.
Why didn't you mention this?
We didn't mention it because
we didn't think it was a problem.
You didn't think
it was a problem?
Where exactly are our boys?
Ladies! Ladies!
You're barking up the wrong tree!
If you have beef,
you have beef with
the scoutmasters and her husband.
She's innocent!
- Thanks, Kent.
- You're welcome, Janine.
Look, we just have to have
a little patience, okay?
Kirk is out there,
he'll bring them all back.
- We just have to wait for...
- Janine!
You need to take us there right now.
[dramatic music]
[boys groaning and chattering]
Dwande! We're over here!
Let's go! Move!
GARY: We are moving!
Well, move faster, damn it!
My son's lost out there!
Kirk, he's not lost.
We're gonna find him.
Randy, shut your damn...
[ Bluetooth vibrating ]
MOSES: What is that?
[pained]
Someone's calling my Bluetooth.
GENTRY: Kirk!
Hey, I got him!
Hey, Caldwell, I got him!
- KIRK: I just wan! my son! Aah!
- Kirk, can you hear me?
- Where are you? Listen, listen.
- What?
- Ah!
' oh' ml! God!
Holy shit!
It sounds like they're fuckin'
torturing him.
- This is bad news, dude.
- Dwande!
All right, listen, hey,
we are dropping cover, man.
We're dropping cover
and comin' to get ya!
Let's go. Let's go!
Hey, folks, sorry...No!
Listen, the ATM is closed.
I need everybody to back away.
Hey! Y'all owe camping fees!
Hey, take a hike, bitch.
And fuck your campsite.
We're on a mission to blow butts,
motherfucker.
Blow butts.
GENTRY:
Let's get those sons of bitches!
Kick some ass! Let's roll!
Wha-ha!
These women are gonna rip me apart.
They are going to kill me.
And Kirk's gonna go to jail.
I'm gonna go to jail.
Whoa! I think you're letting it
get a little tense right now.
What am I gonna do?
Maybe we should take it easy.
Enjoy the moment
that we have together.
Hah!
[tires screeching]
KIRK:
Let's give it power!
[horn honks, siren wailing]
RANGER DEAKINS:
Hey, snitches, this is private property!
[boys groaning]
RANDY:
Hey, hey, stop. Guys, stop.
Stop. Set it down.
KIRK:
We don't have time for breaks.
Let's keep moving.
We gotta find Dwande.
Kirk. I think we found him.
Dwande! It's me, Daddy!
I'm down here on the stretcher!
LEACHMAN:
He got crucifixed!
What's he got?
TIBBITS:
I think that's your dad.
KIRK: Dwande?
Buddy, let's be very careful
with that, okay?
We gotta take him back home
where he'll be...
[ boys chuckle]
[faint sound of bells ringing]
RANDY: Wow.
Hey. What's--What's that sound?
It's beautiful.
[cell phones ringing]
[ringing and vibrating]
That's our moms calling us.
I think that means
we're in deep shit, Mr. Stevens.
Thank you, Shane.
[phones continue ringing]
[engine cranking]
Son of a bitch!
Damn! God damn it, man!
- IVAN: Hey, shh!
- You know what?
- That hotwire shit, it don't work!
- Be nice. Hey, be nice.
IVAN: All right, stop it.
EDDIE: All I can do is get
the goddamn radio started, man!
Don't touch me!
[both shouting]
Then you do it!
You get it started!
- You're a smart ass.
- Be nice!
[boys groaning]
- RANDY: Eddie.
- Sweet Baby Jesus.
Don'! you need these keys?
Oh, no, no, no no, no, no!
No, I10, no, no, no!
We're not getting
mixed up with this, man. No!
What, you're not
gonna help these kids?
Here's my answer.
Step away from the vehicle.
Roll it, man.
The back doors are open.
Jesus.
It's not starting!
Well, pop the fucking clutch, man!
- What's a poppa clutch?
- A poppa clutch?
- [ All grunting]
- RANDY: Okay.
EDDIE: Come on, man!
- Guys, come on.
- EDDIE: Get us out of here! Come on!
That's how you pop a clutch!
Hey! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Randy! Don't bring him in here!
No! No!
How would Randy
get into these woods?
Janine. Right there!
- Get this shit out of here!
- Quit screaming at me!
Okay, Eddie, I got us moving.
It's rolling!
[boys shouting]
[horn honks]
GENTRY:
That's them! That's them!
[on loudspeaker] You shitty little
cocksuckers. We got your ass!
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Everybody, hands up!
You are fucked!
Get out of the car!
They're making a break for it!
Everybody, freeze!
You heard the motherfucker.
He said "freeze"!
- It's rolling, you idiots!
- Halt!
[ Screaming ]
- [ Blanks and BB gun firing]
- [ all screaming]
- Aah!
- EDDIE: It's the cops!
Randy! You tell them
that we're not with you,
and I'm not your friend!
Kids, move! Move!
Everybody! Back off!
Get outta here, you little shits! Move!
No more child casualties today.
They're getting away!
Huh? What? What?
GENTRY:
Shoot the tires!
CALDWELL:
This shit's not gonna shoot the tires!
Ow! What are you doing?
We're moving!
You broke the skin, man!
Oh, shit!
- [ BB gun fires]
- GENTRY: Stop!
Stop! Don't resist!
[blanks firing]
[all screaming]
Oh. yeah!
[ Screaming ]
[groaning]
Oh! I think we did that, man!
Jesus Christ
came out that windshield!
Let's get that motherfucker.
Hah!
[ Boys talking excitedly]
- Look!
- Oh ho ho ho!
Oh! A crotch rocket!
Whoa!
TIBBITS:
Is that the naked lady's?
- Oh! Look at that!
- Wait a minute. Please.
Ah, look at this. It's silk.
That's disgusting.
Guys! It's her! It's the lady!
Guys, come look!
[all cheering and shouting]
- Aah-ha!
- [ blanks and BB gun firing]
No, no! Yo!
Stick 'em up, jerk-offs.
Stick 'em up?
We were just in a carwreck!
GENTRY: All right.
Nobody move, all right?
Unless you got to
for, like, a medical reason
or some bullshit like that.
Caldwell, you got
a 20 on this scumbag?
CALDWELL:
I don't know what a 20 is.
- Where the fuck is that little bastard?
- Motherfucker.
He's getting away! Gentry!
- Hey! Hey! Fuck you! Fuck you!
- [ blank fires]
- Gentry! Gentry!
- Hey! Hey! Freeze, motherfucker!
- [ Screaming]
- Freeze!
- Hah!
[ screaming ]
[blanks popping]
[BB gun shooting]
Who's a dead man now,
huh, asshole?
JANINE: What's that?
Aah ha ha!
Thought you could outsmart
the outsmarters, huh?
Shoot him again, Caldwell!
- Hey, cut that out!
- Oh, God!
GENTRY: Janine! What the hell
are you doing here, huh?
Shouldn't you be at home,
like, online shopping or something?
Hey, gimme my gun back!
Hey, kid!
What is going on here?
- What the hell?
- What happened to the kids?
Where's Kirk?
- Everything is under control.
- No, it's not.
You stupid,
stinkin' son of a bitch!
Oh, okay. Hello, ladies!
- Where is my son?
- What did you do to our boys?
The good news is that they were
nowhere near the van crash.
[all shouting]
Where are our sons?
They're not here...
MOTHER: You lost our children?
There's no reason to panic,
because they will soon be back
in your warm, loving bosoms.
MOTHER: Bosoms?!
Mr. Scout Leader,
if my sweet Lord Christ
in the trees
has any ounce of mercy
to place on a cursed soul like yours,
he better damn well show me
a sign of that right now!
- [groaning ]
- [ mothers gasping]
Everything's
perfectly fine here, ladies!
Oh, God!
Can somebody
get me off this cross?
And on a Sunday, of all days!
You should all be
ashamed of yourselves!
All right, ladies, ladies, listen up.
Name's Gentry.
Let me lay it down for you.
Here are the facts
as we know them.
And although we can't confirm this 100%,
we believe that your children...
may be dead.
MOTHERS: What?!
[mothers clamoring]
- I'm just-
- Gentry, shut up.
- Janine, it's true.
- Shut up.
- Who is that guy?
- RANDY: Idiot!
He's an idiot.
He's a security guard
at an ATM company.
He has no authority.
Okay, listen up,
yes, I am an ATM security agent,
which means I've been
trained in firearms.
I've been trained in black ops.
And here are the facts, ladies.
Children don't live in the woods.
They die.
Oh, my God!
Ladies, If I could have done something
about it, I would have.
I don't like to point fingers,
but this fucking guy
killed your kids.
Oh, my God! What have you
done with him?
What have you done with him?
GENTRY: Probably being devoured
by wolves as we speak.
Jesus Christ!
What happened out here?
Where's Dwande?
He's up there.
They're all up there.
RANDY: He's just making--
He's making that up!
He's making that up.
He totally...
[motorcycle engine rewing ]
Oh, my God!
KIRK: That's our son.
What the fuck is going on?
Hey! This is federal goddamn...
RANGER DEAKINS:
That's a naked woman.
Lord, well done.
[boys shouting]
Leonard!
What did they do to you?
Mom, it's okay. It's just tits.
Leonard!
Whoa!
Ooh! Look at you!
Smell it! I made testosterone!
Oh, yes!
Then you saw one
of his organs coming out,
and then over there
you saw his heart pumping out.
It was still beating,
it was like bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!
And then, after that,
you saw all the blood squirting,
and you couldn't even see the fireworks
because all the blood was like...
[mimics blood splashing]
You just saw its insides,
and there was some black thing.
It was like the game that I have.
Hey, buddy,
be careful with that. Okay?
Can I ask you a question?
What were you thinking?
Baby, I'm so sorry.
Those women look like
they could have killed you.
Yeah.
I hate those women.
They scare the shit out of me.
But at least it worked out
for your father.
Where is your father?
Dwande?
This guy did something
beautiful, baby.
Dwande, you can do
whatever you want, okay?
If you want to be a basketball player
or a dentist
or a nightclub singer,
I don't give a crap.
I'm just your dumb daddy,
and I love you.
You can do whatever you want.
Well, we don't have
to make the decision right now, uh...
Let's not rush into anything.
. Hey, Kirk! Ow'
' Ow! I
Aah ha!
Janine, please watch it.
Oh, whoa, brother!
You look like a bag of shit, man!
You're all burnt up!
I'll be honest, I don't even think
plastic surgery's gonna help you.
You need medical attention.
And you probably ought to give
your family a little attention,
- you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
Hey, it's probably a bad time,
but I'm gonna go ahead
and put in my two weeks notice.
I'm sorry.
I love ATM security, I do.
You know I'm the best,
but I just feel like
I need something more.
And Caldwell,
he needs a babysitter,
so, you know,
I'm great with kids.
Probably the best,
and that's a natural fit.
I hope you guys understand.
And I hope you live.
Anyway. Hey, Dwande,
do me a favor, bury that, all right?
Thank you.
Caldwell, I got shotgun, brah!
- Dad.
- Yeah?
We should go home.
JANINE: Yeah. Let's get out of here.
KIRK: Okay. Help Dad up.
[groaning]
[upbeat song fades in]
RANDY: Over the tops of these hills
and past the roads and highways,
you can see back
to the neighborhood,
where men return home
to their wives,
ready to embrace
the future ahead.
And not far away,
on the other side of town,
the parents of these boys
have grown proud of their sons--
what they've done
and who they've become.
Following the Ten Commandments
is the way we should
live our lives every day.
Come on, guys!
RANDY:
The boys are becoming men
that aren't afraid
of seeking out new frontiers,
while others turn their lives around
and change their old ways.
It got a little burnt.
Yeah, but it's a nice try.
- Thanks, babe.
- Thank you.
RANDY: Learning to look
toward a greater, fuller, richer life.
Sharing stories with friends
and telling of real adventures
that they never thought possible.
You might hear them talking
about a scoutmaster that they once had.
A scoutmaster
that pushed his scouts
to become strong,
courageous, bona fide men.
Because this is scouting.
And, damn it,
somebody's got to lead the way.
J' Up at Lookout Point J'
J' And down at Make-out Creek J'
J' Love is lyin' J'
J' In the pines J'
J' And then off they go to sleep J'
J' And they're waiting around for a sign J'
J' I'm sick of waiting around for a sign J'
J' I've been tryin' J'
J' I've been tryin' J'
J' I've been tryin' J'
J' I've been tryin' J'
J' I've been tryin' J'
J' I've been tryin' J'
J' I've been tryin' J'
J' I've been tryin' J'
[song ends]
[instrumental music]