- The gentleman has not arrived?
- No, he has not.
I'm afraid the dinner will be spoiled.
What difference does it make?
It's too late to dine now.
Boy, will you page
Mr. Otis B. Driftwood, please?
Paging Mr. Driftwood!
Mr. Driftwood!
Do me a favor and stop yelling my name
all over this restaurant.
- Do I go around yelling your name?
- Mr. Driftwood!
Is your voice changing,
or is somebody else paging me?
- Mr. Driftwood!
- Why, Mrs. Claypool, hello!
You invited me to dine with you at 7:00.
It is now 8:00, and no dinner.
No dinner? I just had
one of the biggest meals of my life...
and no thanks to you, either.
- I've been sitting right here since 7:00.
- With your back to me.
When I dine with a woman,
I expect her to look at my face.
- That's the price she has to pay.
- Your check, sir.
$9.40? This is an outrage!
If I were you, I wouldn't pay it.
- What are we gonna have for dinner?
- You've had your dinner.
All right, we'll have breakfast.
- Waiter!
- Yes, sir.
- Have you got any milk-fed chicken?
- Yes, sir.
Squeeze the milk out of one
and bring me a glass.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Driftwood, three months ago,
you promised to put me into society.
In all that time, you've done nothing
but draw a very handsome salary.
You think that's nothing? How many men
do you think draw a handsome salary?
You can count them on the fingers
of one hand, my good woman.
- I'm not your good woman!
- Don't say that, Mrs. Claypool.
I don't care what your past has been.
To me, you'll always be my good woman,
because I love you.
There. I didn't mean to tell you
but you dragged it out of me.
I love you.
That's hard to believe when I find you
dining with another woman.
That woman?
Do you know why I sat with her?
Because she reminded me of you.
- Really?
- Of course.
That's why I'm here with you,
because you remind me of you.
Your eyes, your throat, your lips...
Everything about you reminds me of you...
except you.
How do you account for that?
She figures that out, she's good.
Mr. Driftwood, I think we'd better
keep everything on a business basis.
Every time I get romantic with you,
you want to talk business.
I don't know. There's something about me
that brings out the business in all women.
All right, we'll talk business.
You see that man eating spaghetti?
- No.
- You see the spaghetti, don't you?
Behind that spaghetti
is none other than Herman Gottlieb...
director of the New York Opera Company.
- Do you follow me?
- Yes.
Stop following me,
or I'll have you arrested!
I've arranged for you to invest $200,000
in the New York Opera Company.
I don't understand.
Don't you see?
You'll be a patron of the opera.
You'll get into society.
You can marry me,
and they'll kick you out of society...
and all you've lost is $200,000.
Gottlieb. Allow me.
Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb.
I could go on all night,
but it's tough on my suspenders.
Where was I?
What are you doing?
If you four people want to play bridge,
don't mind me, go right ahead.
Mrs. Claypool, I'm so happy.
I just wanted to see
if your rings were still there.
You're as charming as you are beautiful.
I'm afraid you've used
that speech before, Mr. Gottlieb.
Now listen here, Gottlieb,
making love to Mrs. Claypool is my racket.
What you're after is $200,000.
Make it sound plausible,
because incredible as it may seem...
Mrs. Claypool isn't as big a sap
as she looks.
How's that for lovemaking?
I think the Europeans do it better.
All right, Gottlieb, it's your turn.
You take a whack at her...
and keep it clean.
Mrs. Claypool, it is most generous
of you to help us.
Now, you have, of course,
heard of Rodolfo Lassparri.
- Of course.
- He is the greatest tenor since Caruso.
Tonight, with the money
you so generously provide...
I sign Lassparri for the Opera Company.
He will be a sensation.
All New York will be at your feet.
There's plenty of room.
And now, the opera awaits us.
If you both will honor me
by occupying my box.
I should be charmed.
- And you, Mr. Driftwood?
- I'll join up with you later.
Listen, Gottlieb, nix on the lovemaking,
because I saw Mrs. Claypool first.
Of course, her mother really saw her first,
but why bring the Civil War into this?
What are you doing in my costume?
Take it off at once, do you hear?
Lmmediately.
Why, you...
Take that off.
Take off that dress, do you hear me?
You dumb idiot.
You do what I say, or I'll break your neck!
Do you hear me? Take off that dress.
If I get my hands on you,
you'll never hear the end of this!
You're no longer my dresser,
you're fired! Get out!
Get out, do you hear me? Out you go.
And don't come back in here again.
Don't you care.
You're lucky to be rid of him.
- Good evening, Rosa.
- Good evening, signore.
Tomasso, why don't you come in?
I've been waiting for you.
Are they not beautiful, signorina?
From Signor Lassparri.
I wouldn't wear them
if they were the only flowers in the world.
- Come in!
- Not if you use that tone.
Let's try the whole thing all over again.
Only this time, try to be more cordial.
- Come in.
- That's better. Let's try it once more.
No, Ricky. You're such a fool.
- What was it you wanted to see me about?
- I suppose I sent for you?
You meant to. Didn't she, Marie?
It's the last night of the season,
and I'm more in love with you than ever.
- What will you do about it?
- We have all summer to talk that over.
- Tonight, we have to sing an opera.
- You have to sing an opera.
- I'm nothing but a glorified chorus man.
- Don't say that.
I've got to say it.
I've got something else to say.
What are you doing tonight,
unless that ham Lassparri asked you first.
- He has asked me first.
- Just my luck.
But I'm having supper with you, Riccardo.
Hooray! We'll have champagne,
music, flowers...
"Lassparri."
No flowers.
- Fiorello!
- Tony!
- Where have you been all these weeks?
- Here, there, different places.
- Got some mail for me?
- Mail for you? You don't work here.
Where am I gonna get my mail?
I no work anyplace.
Tomasso!
Not so good. Don't be so glad.
I brought you present.
You got something for me, too?
What do you got?
Where's Riccardo? All right.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were with the circus.
The circus? When was I with the circus?
I nearly forgot.
That was a long time ago, last week.
Since then I have lots ofjobs.
Your piano and my voice.
All those years we studied at
the conservatory, and what's come of it?
What's a matter with you?
We're still young. We've got our health.
You hear that? Someday, Riccardo,
you're gonna be where Lassparri is.
When you were six years old,
you sing better than Lassparri.
Maybe I was better at six than I am now.
You make me sick. You crazy.
You sing better than he ever could sing
and you know it.
I know it and you know it,
but the public doesn't know it.
- All right. We tell the public.
- How?
What you need is a manager.
A wise guy, somebody who's very smart.
- I knowjust the man for you.
- You do? Who is it?
Me!
- But you wouldn't make any money at it.
- I'll break even.
Just as long as I no lose nothing.
- Is the opera over yet?
- Not yet, signore, in a few minutes.
I told you to slow that nag down.
On account of you,
I nearly heard the opera.
Once around the park, and drive slowly.
And none of your back talk.
You're still crazy about her?
And she's crazy about you, too?
Even if she was,
I couldn't ask her to marry me.
Don't worry.
The manager, he'll fix everything.
Anyhow, we're together again...
- you and me, just like old times.
- Yeah, like old times.
Yeah, you bet my life.
If you pardon my saying so,
Mrs. Claypool...
Mr. Driftwood seems hardly the person
to handle your business affairs.
- I'm beginning to think the same thing.
- Bravo!
I made it.
How soon does the curtain go up?
The curtain, Mr. Driftwood,
will go up again next season.
- You've missed the entire opera.
- I only missed it by a few minutes.
I can go then?
Was I right? Isn't Lassparri
the greatest tenor that ever lived?
He's superb.
But what would you have to pay him?
What's the difference?
He must sail with us tomorrow
no matter what we pay.
- He would be worth $1,000 a night.
- How much?
- What does he do?
- What does he do, he sings.
You're willing to pay him
$1,000 a night just for singing?
You can get a phonograph record
of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents.
For $1.25, you can get Minnie.
If you'll excuse me, Mrs. Claypool...
I think I had better arrange
to see Lassparri immediately.
- You are agreed, $1,000 a night?
- Just as you think.
$1,000. There must be some way
I can get a piece of this.
Wait. Why don't I sign Lassparri?
I represent Mrs. Claypool.
But I represent
the New York Opera Company.
Boy? Will you give my card
to Signor Lassparri, please?
What is it? What do you want?
- Rosa.
- Yes, signore?
My good friend Herman Gottlieb
is coming back to see me.
How would you like
to have supper with us?
I'm terribly sorry, Signor Lassparri,
I already have an engagement.
I see.
That's too bad, because I have an idea...
he's going to invite me
to sing in New York.
And he may permit me
to select my leading lady.
Are you sure
you can't break your appointment?
I'm terribly sorry, signore.
What do you mean by humiliating me
in front of those people?
You're fired, do you understand?
You big bully,
why are you hitting that little bully?
Will you kindly let me
handle my own affairs?
Get out. What do you got to say to me?
Can you sleep on your stomach
with such big buttons on your pajamas?
Why, you...
Nice work, I think you got him.
Smelling salts. That will bring him to.
You're sorry for what you did?
That shows a nice spirit.
Now he's coming along. He'll be fine now.
- Get fresh with me, huh?
- How do you do?
- Hello.
- What's the matter, mister?
We had an argument.
He pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.
- Do you mind if I...
- Go right ahead. Plenty of room.
- Two beers, bartender.
- I'll take two beers, too.
Things seem to be getting better
around the country.
I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself.
I came back here looking for somebody.
You don't know who it is, do you?
It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.
I know. The greatest tenor in the world.
That's what I'm after.
- Why, I'm his manager.
- Whose manager?
The greatest tenor in the world.
- The fellow that sings at the opera here?
- Sure.
What's his name?
What do you care? I can't pronounce it.
What do you want with him?
I want to sign him up
for the New York Opera Company.
Do you know that America is waiting
to hear him sing?
He can sing loud
but he can't sing that loud.
I think I can get America
to meet him halfway.
Could he sail tomorrow?
You pay him enough money,
he could sail yesterday.
How much you pay him?
I don't know. Let's see, $1,000 a night.
I'm entitled to a small profit.
- How about $10 a night?
- $10?
I'll take it.
All right, but remember,
I get 10/% for negotiating the deal.
Yes, and I get 10/% for being the manager.
How much does that leave?
Well, that leaves him $8.
- He sends $5 home to his mother.
- That leaves $3.
Can he live in New York on $3?
Like a prince.
Of course, he won't be able to eat,
but he can live like a prince.
However, out of that $3,
he'll have to pay an income tax.
Yes, there's a federal tax, a state tax,
and a city tax...
a street tax, and a sewer tax.
How much does this come to?
I figure if he doesn't sing too often,
he can break even.
- All right, we take it.
- All right, fine.
Here are the contracts.
You just put his name at the top,
and you sign at the bottom.
No need of you reading that
because these are duplicates.
Yeah. Is a duplicate.
- Duplicates?
- I say, they're duplicates.
- Don't you know what duplicates are?
- Sure, those five kids up in Canada.
I wouldn't know about that.
I haven't been in Canada in years.
Go ahead and read it.
- What does it say?
- Go on and read it.
- You read it.
- All right, I'll read it to you.
- Can you hear?
- I haven't heard anything yet.
- You say anything?
- I haven't said anything worth hearing.
That's why I didn't hear anything.
That's why I didn't say anything.
- Can you read?
- I can read, but I can't see it.
Don't seem to have it in focus here.
If my arms were a little longer,
I could read it.
You haven't got a baboon
in your pocket, have you?
Here we are. Now I've got it.
Pay particular attention to this first clause
because it's most important.
It says, "The party of the first part
shall be known in this contract...
"as the party of the first part."
How do you like that?
That's pretty neat, eh?
No, it's no good.
- What's the matter with it?
- I don't know. Let's hear it again.
"The party of the first part
shall be known in this contract...
"as the party of the first part."
Sounds a little better this time.
It grows on you.
Would you like to hear it once more?
Just the first part.
What? "The party of the first part"?
No. The first part
of "the party of the first part."
It says, "The first part
of the party of the first part...
"shall be known in this contract
as the first part of the party...
"Shall be known in this contract..."
Why should we quarrel about this?
We'll take it out.
Yeah. It's too long anyhow.
Now what do we got left?
I got about a foot and a half.
It says, "The party of the second part
shall be known in this contract...
"as the party of the second part."
I don't know about that.
- Now what's the matter?
- I don't like the second party either.
You should have come to the first party.
We didn't get home till around 4:00 a.m.
I was blind for three days.
Why can't the first part
of the second party...
be the second part of the first party?
Then you got something.
Look, rather than go through that again,
what do you say...
Fine.
I've got something you're bound to like.
You'll be crazy about it.
No. I don't like it.
- You don't like what?
- Whatever it is, I don't like it.
Don't let's break up an old friendship
over a thing like that. Ready?
Okay.
The next part,
I don't think you're going to like.
Your word's good enough for me.
Is my word good enough for you?
- I should say not.
- That takes out two more clauses.
- "The party of the eighth part..."
- No, that's no good.
- "The party of the ninth..."
- No, that's no good, too.
How is it my contract
is skinnier than yours?
I don't know, you must have been out
on a tear last night.
- We're all set now, aren't we?
- Sure.
Just you put your name down there,
and then the deal is legal.
I forgot to tell you, I can't write.
That's all right, there's no ink in the pen.
- But it's a contract, isn't it?
- Sure.
We've got a contract,
no matter how small it is.
Wait. What does this say here?
That? That's the usual clause.
That's in every contract.
That just says, "If any of the parties...
"participating in this contract...
"are shown not to be in their right mind...
"the entire agreement
is automatically nullified."
I don't know.
It's all right. That's in every contract.
That's what they call a sanity clause.
You can't fool me.
There ain't no Sanity Claus.
You win the white carnation.
- I'll give this to Riccardo.
...sensation in New York.
Could you tell me
where Signor Lassparri is?
Sure. There's Lassparri.
Lassparri? Then whom did I sign?
You signed Riccardo Baroni.
That's my man.
Signor Lassparri, what happened?
Speak to me. It's me, it's Gottlieb.
What is this now?
How early the fruit is falling this season.
- Are you sure you have everything, Otis?
- I've never had any complaints yet.
Here you are,
on your way to America and fame.
Riccardo, I'm going to miss you.
How do you think I feel about it?
Miss Castaldi, ready for the big trip?
Mr. Gottlieb. This is Riccardo Baroni
of the Opera Company.
- How do you do?
- Did you say Baroni?
Is it as funny as all that?
Mr. Otis B. Driftwood seems to think
you have quite a voice.
He has, Mr. Gottlieb, really he has,
a wonderful voice.
- Yes, really I have.
- That's interesting.
- Come on, Riccardo.
- No, thanks.
Come on, Ricky!
- Signor Lassparri.
- Yes?
- Will you give us a farewell song?
- Please!
Come on!
My dear friends,
I am so sorry, I must be excused...
but I have a slight touch of laryngitis.
- Where's Rosa?
- Yes, Rosa!
Why should I sing for them
when I'm not being paid for it?
- Please sing.
- No.
Yes, of course I'll sing.
Mr. Gottlieb.
Hasn't he a wonderful voice?
There must be a place for him
in New York.
Not a bad voice.
Someday, perhaps,
when he has made a reputation.
All visitors ashore!
Rosa!
We've come to say goodbye.
All right. Goodbye. Arrivederci.
Come on!
- All right, take it away.
- Yes, sir.
Have I got time to go back
and pay my hotel bill?
- Sorry. Too late.
- That suits me fine.
That's mine. A trunk thief?
- Where you going with that?
- Suite number 58, sir.
Fifty-eight? That's me. Let's go.
What's the idea? Hit-and-run driver?
I'm sorry, sir.
Sorry, my eye. Look at that fender.
It's all bumped out of shape.
You'll pay for this, my good man.
Let me see your number.
Thirty-two? You got any insurance?
- What?
- Are you insured?
- No, sir.
- You're just the fellow I want to see.
I have an accident policy that protects you
no matter what happens.
If you lose a leg, we'll look for it.
All this will cost you is...
What have you got there?
$1. Here you are.
Let's go.
Suite 58,
and don't go over 20 miles an hour.
Say, was that three fellows
or one fellow with three beards?
Hi, Gottlieb,
always beating around the bush.
Wait a minute.
Anything I can do?
- Just a little homesick.
- That's funny.
I happen to have the greatest prescription
for homesickness you ever saw.
A fellow gave it to me
just before the boat sailed.
Here's the prescription,
and take it every two hours.
I'm going out
and getting another prescription.
- Hello, toots.
- Hello.
- Say, pretty classy layout you got here.
- Do you like it?
Twin beds. You little rascal, you.
- One of those is a day bed.
- A likely story.
Have you read any good books lately?
Mr. Driftwood,
will you please get off the bed?
- What would people say?
- They'd say you're a very lucky woman.
Will you please shut up
so I can continue reading?
No, I will not shut up.
And will you kindly get up at once?
All right, I'll go.
I'll make you another proposition.
Let's go in my room
and discuss the situation.
- What situation?
- What situations have you got?
- I most certainly will not go to your room.
- Okay. Then I'll stay here.
All right.
I'll come, but get out.
Shall we say 10 minutes?
Yes, 10 minutes. Anything, but go.
Because if you're not there in 10 minutes,
I'll be back here in 11.
With squeaky shoes on.
- Wait a minute. This can't be my room.
- Yes, sir.
Suite number 58, sir.
Fifty-eight? That's an awful big number
for a birdcage this size.
Wouldn't it be simpler
if you just put the stateroom in the trunk?
Say, who is responsible for installing me
in this telephone booth?
Mr. Gottlieb picked it out for you, sir.
Gottlieb? That's awfully decent of him.
Awfully decent.
Did he pick out the whole room
orjust the porthole?
- I'm sure you'll find it cozy, sir.
- Cozy is hardly the word.
Anything else, sir?
Yes. Tomorrow you can take the trunk out
and I'll go in.
Yes, sir.
- Hello, boss. What are you doing here?
- Hello.
This makes it a perfect voyage.
- I'm sorry. I thought this was my trunk.
- It is your trunk.
I don't remember packing you boys.
Remember Riccardo Baroni,
the greatest tenor in the world?
You nearly signed him up once.
Sure. I just delivered a letter for you.
How are you?
- Good. Just a little cramped.
- We're still in the harbor.
As soon as we get out in the ocean,
there'll be plenty of room.
- Isn't that my shirt?
- I don't know. I found it in the trunk.
Then it couldn't be mine.
It's nice seeing you again.
But I was expecting my other suit.
Did you see it?
Yeah. Took up too much room,
so we sold it.
- Did you get anything for it?
- $1.40.
That's my suit, all right. Say, it's lucky
I left another shirt in this drawer.
That can't be my shirt.
My shirt doesn't snore.
Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia.
He's sleeping it off.
That's as grisly a looking object
as I've ever seen.
Get him up out of there.
He certainly is sleeping.
I wish you fellows
would explain this thing to me.
It's very simple.
You see, Riccardo, he's in love with Rosa.
Rosa, she go to New York.
We want to go to New York, too.
But we got no money,
so we hide in the trunk.
Without money,
what'll you do in New York?
I can sing. There must be
some place for me to work.
Besides, I can be near Rosa.
That's the main thing.
You won't give us away, will you?
No, but you fellows
have got to get out of here.
I've got a date with a lady
in a few minutes...
and you know the old saying:
"Two's company, five's a crowd."
We go, but we want something to eat.
We no eat all day. We're hungry.
We'll discuss the food situation later.
We get food, or we don't go.
I know I never should have
met you fellows.
Okay. But promise to scram out
after you've eaten.
- All right.
- I'll get the steward.
You fellows be quiet.
Remember, you're stowaways.
- We no say nothing.
- All right.
Now, just put that bag of Jell-O over here.
Wouldn't it be simpler
if you had him stuffed?
- He's no olive.
- I'll go and get the steward.
Is it the door of the room,
or am I in the trunk?
Over here.
Be quiet, now. Don't make any noise.
- We no say nothing.
- I'll get the steward.
Steward!
- Stew!
- Yes, sir.
- I say, stew...
- Yes, sir.
- What's for dinner?
- Anything you like.
Tomatojuice, orange juice,
grape juice, pineapple juice...
Turn off the juice before I get electrocuted.
All right, let me have one of each.
And two fried eggs, two poached eggs...
two scrambled eggs,
and two medium-boiled eggs.
And two hard-boiled eggs.
And two hard-boiled eggs.
Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
And some roast beef:
Rare, medium, well-done, and overdone.
And two hard-boiled eggs.
Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
And eight pieces of French pastry.
- With two hard-boiled eggs.
- And two hard-boiled eggs.
Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
And one duck egg.
- Have you got any stewed prunes?
- Yes, sir.
Give them some black coffee.
That'll sober them up.
And two hard-boiled eggs.
It's either foggy out,
or make that 12 more hard-boiled eggs.
Rush that along. The faster it comes,
the faster this convention will be over.
Yes, sir.
- Do they allow tipping on the boat?
- Yes, sir!
- Have you got two fives?
- Yes, sir.
Then you won't need the 10 cents
I was gonna give you.
That's fine. If that steward
is deaf and dumb...
- he'll never know you're in here.
- That's all right.
- Yes?
- We've come to make up your room.
- Are those my hard-boiled eggs?
- I can't tell until they get in the room.
Come in, girls. Leave all hope behind.
Work fast because
you gotta get out in 10 minutes.
Tomasso. Wake up.
They're going to fix the bed.
I'd like two pillows on that bed there.
There's a slight misunderstanding here.
I said the girls had to work fast,
not your friend.
He's still asleep.
You know, he does better asleep
than I do awake.
Yeah, he always sleeps that way.
- Now he's half-asleep.
- Yes, he's half-asleep in a half Nelson.
- All right, come on.
- Yes?
I'm the engineer.
I'm here to turn off the heat.
You can start right in on him.
Wake up, Tomasso.
Tomasso, we're going to eat soon.
You know, if it wasn't for Gottlieb,
I wouldn't have got this room.
Just hold him there a second.
- Yes?
- Did you want a manicure?
No. Come on in.
I hadn't planned on a manicure,
but on ajourney like this...
you ought to have
every convenience you can get.
Listen, I'm getting the manicure.
Get out of here, will you?
Did you want your nails long or short?
You better make them short.
It's getting kind of crowded in here.
I don't know. This isn't the way
I pictured an ocean voyage.
I always visualized myself in a steamer
chair with a steward bringing me bouillon.
Come on, Riccardo.
You couldn't get bouillon in unless
they brought it in through a keyhole.
I'm the engineer's assistant.
I had a premonition
you were going to show up.
The engineer's over there in the corner.
You can chop your way right through.
Is it my imagination,
or is it getting crowded in here?
I got plenty of room.
- Yes?
- Is my Aunt Minnie in here?
You can come in and prowl around
if you want to.
If she isn't in here, you can probably
find somebody just as good.
- Could I use your phone?
- Use the phone?
- I'll lay you even money you can't get in.
- How do you do?
This boat will be in New York
before you get to that phone.
I came to mop up.
Just the woman I'm looking for.
Come right ahead.
You have to start on the ceiling.
It's the only place that's not occupied.
- You can clean my shoes if you want to.
- Operator.
Tell Aunt Minnie to send up
a bigger room, will you?
- Steward.
- Come right ahead.
- The food!
- We've been waiting all afternoon for you.
I want my Aunt Minnie!
Ladies and gentlemen...
it's with great pleasure I welcome you all
on this, the final night of the voyage.
I cannot let the evening pass...
without paying a little tribute
to our distinguished guests of honor:
The three greatest aviators in the world.
Three greatest aviators,
but notice they're traveling by boat.
We are honored
by your presence, gentlemen.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Captain.
- Do you rumba?
- Why, yes. Of course I do.
Take a rumba from one to ten.
Mr. Claypool went to his reward
three years ago.
- And left you all alone.
- All alone.
With $8 million.
$8 million.
Gottlieb, you're just wasting your time.
If Mrs. Claypool wants to marry
a fortune hunter, she's got me.
Fortune hunter?
In fact, you can't call me a fortune hunter.
Because when I proposed to her,
I thought she only had $7 million.
But the extra million never interfered
with my feelings for her.
If you had any real feeling for me...
you'd stop associating
with the riffraff I've seen you with.
You mean Gottlieb?
I mean those two uncouth men
I saw you around the opera house with.
I'm grateful they're not on board the boat.
- Why, have they slipped off?
- Sit down.
Come on, we find something to eat.
You think it's safe?
If they catch us, they'll deport us.
What will we lose?
If we're deported, they'll feed us.
Come on, we'll take a chance.
Does it mean nothing to you
that I'm the world's greatest singer?
- But I love to hear you sing, Rodolfo.
- No.
Let me put it this way. I love you.
I adore you. I would die for you.
- Now do you understand?
- I'm afraid I don't.
The whole thing is very simple.
When he says he's the greatest singer,
it means he loves you.
Personally, I don't believe
either statement.
There may be something in what you say.
I'll tell you something confidentially.
The only tenor I could ever stand
was a fellow by the name...
of Riccardo Baroni.
- Ever hear of him?
- Riccardo.
I wonder where he is right now.
Probably roaming
over the countryside someplace.
Riccardo always loved the open.
He never could stand being cooped up.
He still doesn't like it.
Tomasso, you feel better now?
And, you, Riccardo, how do you feel?
After a meal like that? Great.
I could sing my head off.
That's the spirit.
Stop that! Get away
from those instruments!
- What are you doing here?
- Please let him play.
Let him play.
It's all right with me. Let him play.
Those men can't be passengers
on this boat.
- They must be stowaways.
- Stowaways? We'll soon find out.
What are you... Are you crazy?
You got it. Fine.
Now you go first and see if it's safe.
Come on. Hold on. Out you go.
You're all right,
but the boat's too far away.
What's he doing now?
I think he's hanging himself.
- Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to...
- Quiet.
Our guests have asked me to represent
them and to act as their interpreter.
If you'll follow me,
I'll take you to their cabin.
If they're still in it,
very few of us will come out alive.
Pardon me. Our guests
are having their shredded wheat.
They'll be right out.
Gentlemen.
- "Kind friends..."
- Give me that. Let's cut this short.
The whole thing is very simple.
You're going to City Hall.
The Mayor's gonna make another speech.
We can tear up the Mayor's speech
when we get there.
So, my friends,
as mayor of this great city...
I take pleasure in inviting
our distinguished visitors...
to tell us something
about their achievement.
What'll I say?
- Tell them you're not here.
- Suppose they don't believe me?
They'll believe you when you start talking.
Friends...
Talk fast.
I see a man in the crowd with a rope.
How we happen to come to America
is a great story, but I no tell that.
When we first started out...
we got no idea
you give us this grand reception.
We don't deserve it.
When I say we don't deserve it...
believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
That's a novelty.
Now I tell you how we fly to America.
The first time, we get halfway across
when we run out of gasoline.
We got to go back.
Then I take twice as much gasoline.
This time, we were just about to land,
maybe 3 feet...
when, what do you think,
we run out of gasoline again.
Back we go and get more gas.
This time, I take plenty gas.
We get halfway over,
when what do you think happened?
We forgot the airplane.
So we sit down and talk it over.
Then I get the great idea...
we no take gasoline.
We no take the airplane.
We take steamship.
And that, friends,
is how we fly across the ocean.
I'm going out to arrange your bail.
This is the mayor again.
And now I take great pleasure
in introducing another of our heroes...
who will tell you something
of his exploits.
Of course.
From now on, it's every man for himself.
I would suggest you make your speech
a little more direct than your brother's.
What will you give me
to set fire to your beard?
We're all right
as long as the water supply holds out.
Please, the radio. Your speech.
They may have to build
a dam in the back of him.
I think these fellas are phonies.
- What's that you say?
- You heard me.
You hear what they say?
They've never been so insulted,
and they refuse to stay.
No, please. Tell them he didn't mean it.
Of course, you know this means war.
Now see what you've done.
I'm sorry. I'm awful sorry.
I apologize,
and I hope you're not offended.
Go on! After him!
Come on, get him.
What are you singing about? Read this.
What will you do?
First, I'll throw those two gorillas out.
That goes for you, too.
Thought I got rid of those mugs
when I sold my trunk.
Kiddies, come on, everything is piping hot.
Breakfast.
- Good morning.
- Oh, boy, I'm hungry.
Read that.
That will take away your appetite.
No. That only makes me hungrier.
Come on. You're going to be late forjail.
Those certainly went like hot cakes.
You know, this isn't the way
I anticipated my breakfast.
I'm certainly getting enough of you fellas.
- I no like cupcakes.
- No.
I know when I've had enough...
Say, wait a minute.
That was a two-bit cigar.
Bad enough I have to smoke those things
without eating them.
Get out.
Glad I didn't bring my vest.
I forgot to tell you.
He ate your vest last night for dessert.
He's half goat.
Yes, and that's giving him
all the best of it.
Thought I had another cigar on me.
He's going to smell like a vegetable salad
when he gets through with that.
I've been looking forward to this breakfast.
I've been waiting all morning.
This is how it wound up.
- I'll take a quart.
- A little of that, anyway.
Why don't you fellows be nice?
Get out of here before I get arrested.
I'd like to stay and see that.
What's that?
If it's a policeman, knock once more.
- That's good enough for me.
- Scram, get out.
Come in.
- Yes?
- You remember me.
I'm Henderson, plainclothesman.
You look more like
an old clothes man to me.
- Nice place.
- It's comfortable.
You live here all alone?
Yes. Just me and my memories.
- I'm practically a hermit.
- A hermit.
I notice the table is set for four.
That's nothing.
My alarm clock is set for 8:00.
That doesn't prove a thing.
A wise guy.
I'll take a little look around.
- Hey, you.
- Coming.
What's a hermit doing with four beds?
- You see those first three beds?
- Yes.
Last night, I counted 5,000 sheep
on those beds.
So I had to have another bed.
You wouldn't want me
to sleep with the sheep, would you?
- Who are you talking to?
- I was talking to myself.
There's nothing you can do about it.
- I've had three of the best doctors.
- I certainly heard somebody talk.
- Sheer folly on your part.
- What's this?
That's a fire escape.
That's a table. This is a room.
There's the door leading out.
I wish you would use it.
- I want to be alone.
- You'll be alone when I throw you in jail.
Isn't there a song like that, Henderson?
Look out.
He's coming around the other way.
Get inside, quick.
It means a stretch at the big house
if he catches you.
Don't let him catch you.
- Hey, you!
- Coming.
What became of that fourth bed?
What are you referring to, Colonel?
Last time I was in this room,
there were four beds here.
Please. I'm not interested
in your private life, Henderson.
Say, what's that bed doing here?
I don't see it doing anything.
There's something funny going on here.
But I'll get to the bottom of it.
Stairs right there.
Look out!
- Be on your guard.
- Hey, you!
Coming.
Am I crazy,
or are there only two beds here?
Which question
do you want me to answer first?
How did those two beds get together?
You know how those things are.
They breed like rabbits.
Let me tell you something.
I'll solve this
if I have to stay here all night.
- If you stay, you'll have to bring a bed.
- One bed!
One bed? What are you talking about?
Now they're all gone. I know I am crazy.
I beg your pardon,
I must be in the wrong room.
You thought you could come to America
without me?
You fool. You dear fool.
Because I love you, you call me a fool.
There may be something in that.
- What are you doing here?
- Easiest thing in the world.
An open window,
a detective, and here I am.
Riccardo, you shouldn't have.
They'll only send you back again.
- Perhaps even put you in jail.
- I don't care, darling. It's worth it.
Suppose I go to Mr. Gottlieb.
Maybe he'd intercede for you.
Gottlieb couldn't do anything.
Besides, Lassparri's got to him first.
But there must be something we can do.
- Who is it?
- It is I. Rodolfo.
Come in.
Do you mind my dropping down?
No, of course not.
Only, I was just going to take a nap.
- Rosa, why do you do this to me?
- Do what, Rodolfo?
Whenever I want to see you,
you make some excuse.
You will not dine with me, ride with me,
or even take a walk with me.
But, Rodolfo, you know how busy I am.
My debut in America.
Have you forgotten that it was I...
who brought about your debut in America?
No, I haven't forgotten.
Then why do you treat me this way?
Rodolfo, I must ask you to leave.
Come now, my dear. Be sensible.
If you ask me,
I think she's being very sensible.
Baroni.
Now I understand.
You did not tell me
you had a previous engagement.
Now you know it.
And I apologize.
Now, permit me to withdraw.
In a boudoir, two are company,
three a crowd.
- Just what do you mean by that?
- Please, Riccardo.
Surely I have made my meaning clear.
Riccardo!
You have not heard the end of this.
- I'm sure I haven't.
- You may be very sure.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Driftwood.
- Good afternoon.
- Ready for the opening tonight?
- Am I?
That's all right, boys.
I was young myself once.
Thank you.
Good morning, Mr. Driftwood.
- How are all my songbirds?
- Fine.
Splendid. Sing well tonight, now.
Waiting for you, Mr. Driftwood.
Step right in.
Thank you, Otto.
- Nice day, isn't it?
- It has its points.
Here you are, sir.
- Thank you, Otto.
- That's all right, Mr. Driftwood.
What's all this? What's going on here?
You mean, what's coming off here?
- You can't do that.
- Wanna bet?
But that's my office.
I'm taking orders from Mr. Gottlieb.
Go see him about it.
I'll see Mr. Gottlieb,
and I'll break you, my fine fellow.
Go see Mr. Gottlieb.
What's the meaning of this?
If you think that I'm going to...
If you're busy, I'll return later.
Just a minute, Mr. Driftwood.
We have some news for you.
News? For me?
Mrs. Claypool has decided to dispense
with your services immediately.
Dispense with my services?
She hasn't even had them.
I warned you, if you continued to associate
with those men...
everything would be over between us.
And you've been associating with them.
How do you know? You couldn't find them.
You've disgraced me,
and the entire Opera Company.
As Mrs. Claypool's
new business manager...
I must request you to get out and stay out.
Just a minute. You can't fire me
without two weeks' salary.
That's in section 10-A of my contract.
I find that you have overdrawn your salary
for the next six months.
- In that case, I'll take one week's salary.
- You'll take nothing. Get out.
If that's your best offer, I'll get out,
but I'm not making a nickel on it.
As for you, Mrs. Claypool,
I withdraw my offer of marriage.
And that goes for you, too.
The thanks I get
for working my fingers to the bone.
- All right, Otto.
- Just a minute.
This car is for officials. Take the stairs.
- The stairs?
- Yeah.
Why, that's four flights.
I can't walk all that distance.
All right. I'll help you.
- Now there's room.
- That's all I needed.
I'm certainly glad I met you boys.
First you get me fired,
then you get me thrown out of my hotel...
and finally you push me off a park bench.
There's one consolation.
Nothing more can happen to me.
Get off of the grass.
I was wrong.
People drink too much water, anyhow.
I'm certainly glad you came along.
When I met you boys, I had a good job
and was about to marry a rich widow.
Now I can't even sit on the grass.
I'd give you my seat, but I'm sitting here.
That's an offer.
I'd like to think it over for a couple of days.
Where can I find you?
Don't worry.
Wherever you are, you'll find us.
I'm sick of that.
Let's meet somewhere else.
It's Rosa.
At least I can get my bench back.
Don't feel so badly, Riccardo.
I can't feel cheerful
about being such a hoodoo to you.
We all make things bad for you.
What's the matter?
What do you think?
Lassparri. He's get Rosa fired.
- Lassparri?
- He won't let her sing tonight.
What do you know about that?
We've got all day to think of some plan.
And believe me,
the way I think, it'll take all day.
- Good evening, Tim.
- Good evening.
Plenty for you tonight.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sir.
What does this mean?
Just the man I want to see.
Gottlieb, these are the worst cigars
I ever smoked.
Yes, and your ice isn't cold enough, either.
Get out of here, all of you.
I shall send for the police.
Just a minute.
I'll tell you what we came here for.
We make you a proposition.
So you're willing to give yourselves up?
Yes, if you let Rosa sing.
I'm managing director,
and Rosa does not sing.
But the rest of your proposition...
giving yourselves up,
that rather appeals to me.
Give me police headquarters.
Sergeant Henderson, please.
Hello, toots.
What are you doing here?
This is Mr. Gottlieb's box.
He couldn't come,
so he gave me his ticket.
And he couldn't get dressed,
so he gave me his clothes.
Shorty, will you toss up that kelly?
Attaboy. Here.
Get yourself a stogy.
Who's ahead?
Open the door.
Get me police headquarters.
Mrs. Claypool,
have you seen Mr. Gottlieb?
No. Isn't he backstage?
He's disappeared.
We can't find him anywhere.
You didn't look in the right place.
He was to make a speech
before the curtain went up.
That's the cue.
You'd better say something.
But I never made a speech in my life.
- All right, I'll take care of it.
- You?
Ladies and gentlemen...
I guess that takes in most of you.
This is the opening of a new opera season.
A season made possible
by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool.
I'm sure the familiar strains of Verdi's
music will come back to you tonight...
and Mrs. Claypool's checks
will probably come back in the morning.
Tonight marks the American debut
of Rodolfo Lassparri.
Signor Lassparri comes
from a very famous family.
His mother was a well-known bass singer.
His father was the first man to stuff
spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda...
thus causing and curing indigestion
at the same time.
Now, on with the opera.
Let joy be unconfined.
Let there be dancing in the streets...
drinking in the saloons,
and necking in the parlor.
Play, Don.
I'll take this side.
It's none of my business...
but I think there's a brace of woodpeckers
in the orchestra.
Don't give up, boys. The cavalry is coming.
- I'll see you later.
- What are you doing?
It's all right. It's just the Tarzan in me.
That Schweinehund.
Peanuts! Get your fresh
roasted peanuts, folks!
They're nice and hot! Get your peanuts!
Here you are!
There you are, you...
What are you laughing at?
- Those clothes don't fit you.
- Why you...
You're getting to be
a good shot, Tomasso.
The opera starts.
Now we really go to work.
The curtain's up.
- They've started.
- Now, don't worry.
Someone open the door here!
Let me out of here!
Herr Gottlieb.
- Where are they? Where did they go?
- What?
"What," he asks me.
- Did a couple of men come up here?
- What?
"What?" All I get is "what."
How would you like to feel
the way she looks?
That is Driftwood's voice.
- I want him put out of the opera house.
- Yes, sir.
That's right. You go talk to him.
We know he's in the audience someplace.
- Where's Mr. Gottlieb?
- The other side of the stage.
Come on, boys.
What was that? High "C" or vitamin "D"?
What's the matter? What happened here?
Mr. Gottlieb! Here, give me a hand.
Where are those men?
Did you catch them?
No, sir. I'm sorry. They're still out there.
Still out there?
I have an idea.
Get me two gypsy costumes at once.
Now we're getting somewhere.
I will not sing unless
they are put off there.
Yes, sir.
A battleship in II Trovatore!
Stop! Don't you do...
Herr Gottlieb! Lassparri, he's disappeared.
What?
- Then we haven't even a tenor.
- Mr. Gottlieb.
- You are Baroni.
- That's who I am.
Get into a costume quickly.
- What?
- I want you to sing.
But I have no reputation, Mr. Gottlieb.
Besides, I couldn't sing
with a strange Leonora.
I've been rehearsing with Miss Castaldi.
- So that's it.
- That's it exactly.
All right.
Get them two costumes at once. Quick.
Please, after the opera.
Go ahead. Get ready.
You hear that? That's real singing.
- What?
- Get off!
Is this the opera house?
Arrest those men, and this one, too.
- It's about time.
- Lassparri, where have you been?
Been? Do you know what they did to me?
I'll sing them an encore
that they'll never forget.
Never in my life
have I received such treatment.
They threw an apple at me.
Watermelons are out of season.
Rosa, Baroni, get out there quick.
No. I'm under arrest, Mr. Gottlieb.
- What's that?
- If they're arrested, I ought to be, too.
I can't sing if I'm arrested.
What do we do?
We must have them.
They'll save the entire season.
Well, what is it you want?
Just a minute. Let me handle this.
- Quick! What do you want?
- First, call off that police dog.
All right, anything.
These men are in this country
under false pretenses, and I'll do my duty.
I'll be responsible for them.
Besides, they came over here
with Mr. Driftwood.
Mr. Driftwood is an employee
of the Opera Company.
- Since when?
- Since Baroni started singing.
Wait till I get a hold
of that elevator operator.
All right, anything.
Please, go out and sing.
Wait a minute.
Before he sings, you gotta sign a contract,
and I get 10 percent.
Yes, and I get 10 percent, too.
Now, where were we?
- "The party of the 10th part..."
- No.
- "The party of the 11th part..."
- No.