1
(mysterious piano music)
(rhythmic thrumming)
(water splashing)
(door creaking)
(metal wheels creaking)
(thrumming melody)
(door chime beeping)
(lyrical chanting)
(deep bass music)
(rhythmic grunting)
(guttural groan)
(food sizzling)
- [Woman] Cornelius,
come get your dinner.
(low thrumming melody)
(agonized groaning)
(low orchestral music)
Cornelius.
(urine splashing)
Cornelius, are you deaf?
What in the hell do
you think you're doing?
Cornelius!
(growling)
Oh, oh, Cornelius!
What are you doing?
What the hell!
Cornelius!
(terrified cries)
No, no, no, no, no!
(fighting cries)
(screaming)
(aggressive grunting)
(both yelling breathily)
(deep guttural growling)
(muted warbles)
(forceful cry)
(pained groan)
(fearful utterances)
(deep vibrating tones)
(breathing heavily)
(forceful yell)
(blood squelching)
(whimpering cries)
(both screaming)
(wet squelching)
(sustained yowl)
(breathy grunts)
(suspenseful orchestral melody)
(low growls)
(heavy thud)
(brakes squeal)
(crashing thud)
(car hissing)
- Was that a bear?
- I think it was a man.
- A Man-bear?
- No, just a man.
- Oh m' God, oh m' God.
- Goddammit, Woody.
I thought you said you was
straight to drive, man.
(muted grunt)
(metallic thumps)
(suspenseful violin)
- What was that?
- I think it's under the truck.
(swelling violin melody)
- This is just like that movie,
where they ran over that dude
and they thought they
killed 'em, but they didn't,
and then he came back next
summer and then he killed them.
Shit, that's gonna happen to us.
We're gonna die!
- Goddammit, Woody,
we ain't gonna die.
Now back this fuckin' truck up,
so we can get can get
the fuck outta here.
(swelling violin melody)
(heavy thud)
- [Woody] What the fuck?
Fuck this.
- Yes, Sir.
(repetitive percussive melody)
(ethereal vocalization)
(deep growl)
(strident screeching tones)
- [Christine VOICEOVER] With
a long-anticipated senior year
around the corner,
I think it's time to
join the secret society
of sleep addicts.
Who'm I kidding?
I dream loudly, but I have to
buckle down if I want to get
into a good college.
I don't wanna jinx myself.
Forget school for now.
After today, it's officially
beach week and I can't wait.
I'm going with my BFF
since grade school, Carrie
and her stupe-ass
boyfriend, Freddy.
- Spring break, bitches.
- [Christine VOICEOVER]
I swear, one day,
I hope he knocks himself
out doing that pose.
(laughter)
- Have a seat, Fredrick.
- [Freddy] Yes, ma'am.
Hey, buddy.
(light thud)
(laughter)
- [Christine VOICEOVER]
Then there's Jason.
He's my half-cousin.
Which doesn't stop him from
trying to put the moves on me.
Barf.
(laughter)
(scoffs) Brooklyn, my other
BFF, Samara's douche-boyfriend.
He moved here in the sixth
grade but still claims New York.
Ew, I wish he would move back.
Which brings me to
Samara, she's in geometry,
probably chewing gum and
playing with her hair.
So, pen's off to
you, dear journal,
let's make this one black,
white, red and awesome.
(bell clanging)
All over.
(students chattering)
- Okay, class, settle down.
I want you to
spend the remainder
of the class reading Chapter
13 on moving proteins
into membranes.
- I've got some protein
that needs moving.
(tittering)
- You can move yourself
to the Principal's office,
if you like.
That's what I thought.
Now begin reading, class.
(muted traffic)
(engine roars)
("Mean Motherfucker Blues")
I woke up one morning
And I kicked my dog
I beat my neighbor's head in
With a big maple log
Then I called his
big fat hairy wife
A big fat hairy slob
I had the blues
The mean motherfucker blues
Yes, Pamela?
- May I be excused
to the restroom?
Hey soldier.
- Hey, you.
- Miss me?
- Oh, a little.
- You ass.
- Okay, okay.
I missed you.
- Get me the fuck out of here.
(car revs)
Fuck school!
(whooping)
(laughter)
- Quiet down.
(phone vibrates)
(bell rings)
- [Christine] What happened?
- I should have dumped
his ass a long time ago.
- [Christine] What
did he do this time?
- Don't cock-block
me at the beach?
- You have gotta go, it's not
gonna be the same without you.
- [Samara] No chance.
- [{Carrie] Hey, Christine.
- Hey.
- Did you talk to Samara?
- Yeah, she's not coming.
- How many times is she
gonna put up with his shit?
- A million.
- I hope that kid falls.
- [Brooklyn] Yo.
Smell this.
- [Freddy] Dank
- Stank killah killah.
- [Jason] Can I smell?
- These aren't cut
up Twinkies, Jason.
Fuckin' lard ass.
- Oh my God, what the
fuck is he doing here?
What's he doing here?
Samara's not coming.
- [Freddy] I told him
he could still come.
- Why do you do that?
- Because he has the weed.
Get off my nuts.
(swelling orchestral melody)
(knocking)
- Hello?
(discordant chime)
(glass crashing)
(choking)
(muted thud)
(meandering orchestral music)
- Bathroom?
- [Clerk] It's around back.
- Woody, Woody.
Woody, Woody.
- What now?
- Hey man.
Go pay for petrol, man.
- This isn't enough
to get to Mexico on.
(bottles clanking)
(water gurgles)
(fuel pump clicking)
- Hey, asshole, what
the fuck you lookin' at?
(doors slam)
(engine turns over)
(car revs)
(swelling string orchestral)
(loud aggressive growls)
(retching)
(sustained growling)
(splashing)
(bottles clinking)
- Let's get the
fuck out of here.
- What the fuck'd you do, Woody?
- Road beers.
- Oh shit.
(engine turns over)
(whoops)
(scratchy orchestral music)
(water gurgling)
(loud sniffing)
(gurgling chomps)
(staccato violin)
- [Male GPS] Continue on
this route for 87 miles.
- Yo, can that GPS tell
us where we could get
some dank nugs?
- (scoffs) I wish.
- So, what's the first
thing you guys are gonna do
when you get to the beach?
- I'm gonna get fuckin' drunk.
- I can't wait to just lay out.
- Me too and take
a dip in the ocean.
- Yeah, I can't wait to
part that mother-fucker.
- Yeah, swim, for sure.
- You gonna swim with your
shirt on again, Jason?
- What, I get sunburned easy.
- Yeah, it's not
'cause of your mits?
- Mits?
- Yeah, man tits.
(giggling)
- Shut up, Freddy.
I told you I was born
with an extra thyroid.
- And two stomachs like a cow.
- Cows have four
stomachs, dumb ass.
- Don't be jealous 'cause
Jason has bigger tits than you.
- Fuck you, Freddy.
- Don't be a dick.
- What?
- Cool, weed.
What, I can get down.
- Hey, so, why did
Samara bail again?
- Oh, she had crabs, she didn't
wanna give it to everybody.
(laughing)
- Smart ass.
- [Christine] Yeah, right.
- Yeah, I need to take you
small-town peeps to BK,
show you how we get
down for real, for real.
- Yeah, I could
go for a Whopper.
- No, man, I'm talkin'
about Brooklyn, fool.
- I thought you said
you were from Syracuse.
- Well, yeah, I mean I am but
I hung out in Brooklyn a lot.
That's where my cousins stay at.
- Aren't they like,
really far apart?
Like hundreds of miles?
- Yeah, I live like
right on the line.
What are you, The
Riddler or somethin'?
Stop askin' me so
many questions.
I'm tryin' to roll this blunt.
You know, this shit
right here is the truth.
- What the fuck?
- Oh, shit, what.
Yo, this dude got a hard-on, yo.
- No, I don't.
- Fuckin' perv.
- Gross!
- What, I don't even know what
you guys are talking about.
- I have to go to the bathroom.
(slow suspenseful
orchestral melody)
(glass crunches)
(splats)
(dog barking)
(low growl)
(thumping rock melody)
(growling)
(doors slamming)
- [Brooklyn] Hey, Jason,
bring me back a sweet tea.
- Hi, where is your bathroom?
- Who wants to know?
- Uh, me?
I really need to use
your bathroom, miss.
- It's around back, darlin'.
- [{Carrie] Thank you.
- Honey, ain't you
forgettin' somethin'?
You need a key.
- Oh.
Thanks.
(discordant orchestral music)
(Carrie gasps)
- Don't you be goin' and
flushin' your bloody tampons
down that toilet and
leavin' 'em all which-away,
you throw 'em in the
goddamn trash, you hear?
- Um, okay.
- All you high school girls
bleed like Dracula fucked
Willy Wonka and
formed a blood factory
and slaughtered all
those Oompa Loompas
and made a buncha bloody Marys.
Vagina Coyote Uglies.
A lot of Draculas' wives went
out on a night on the town
and went to a bachelor party
and all had their periods
at the same time.
- Yes, ma'am.
Oh my God.
What the fuck?
- [Freddy] Alright,
you guys ready?
- [Jason] Just zoomin' out.
- This is so fucked up Freddy.
- Shut up or I'm
gonna get you next.
- [Jason] Ready.
(Freddy grunts)
(flatulence)
- [Freddy] (chuckles)
There it is.
- [Christine] You better
not get me this time.
- You're safe, for now.
(slaps)
(low percussive music)
- [{Carrie] Fuck.
(sighs)
(music swells)
- What the fuck is she doing?
Dropping the kids
off at the pool
and giving them
swimming lessons?
- You're so gross.
(gasps)
(crickets chirping)
(door slams)
(urine tinkling)
(phone vibrating)
- That fucking bitch!
I knew I couldn't
fucking trust her.
Goddammit, I knew it!
(frustrated growl)
Just relax, Dirk, you
don't wanna Hulk out.
It's been six weeks
since you've been laid,
just, just be cool.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's wrong, you look like
somebody killed your cat.
- Cat?
I don't have a fucking cat.
Are you mistaking
me for someone else?
- It's an expression,
what's your problem?
(tense violin ensemble)
- Express this, bitch.
(weapon fires)
- Hello, Dirk?
- Cat?
I'm a fucking dog person,
don't you know me at all?
(low suspenseful
orchestral music)
(sniffing)
(snuffling growls)
(retching)
- Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?
- Pull over!
- Oh, my God, Carrie!
Freddy, pull over.
(gravel crunching)
(strident orchestral melody)
- [{Carrie] Oh, fuck!
(retching)
- [Freddy] Oh, what did you eat?
- [Christine] Shut up, Freddy.
- [Brooklyn] Oh, Shit!
(retching)
- Maybe she just needs to
eat some grass or something.
- Really, Freddy?
- Well, that's what my dog does
when his stomach gets upset.
(tense orchestral melody)
(measured growls)
- [Christine] You
don't look bad.
- [{Carrie] I feel better.
- [Christine] Are you sure?
- Yeah, I think it was
just something I ate.
School cafeteria, I don't know.
- Yeah, looks like
Friday's corn dogs.
- [Christine] Let's
get out of here.
- [Freddy] Why don't
you shut up, Jason?
(music swelling)
(growling)
(engine roars)
(quiet thrumming melody)
(soft string melody)
(low indistinct growl)
(metal can scraping)
(screeching suspenseful melody)
(heavy thumping rock music)
(demonic vocalization)
(slapping thud)
(aggressive growl)
(bone cracking)
(aggressive growls)
(gentle rain)
(low orchestral score)
- Holy shit-hole.
Alright, Jason, let's go.
- For what?
- Because I said.
I have something
important to tell you.
- No you don't, you're just
gonna tell me something dumb
when we get in there.
- Guys, just go.
- Yeah, go, Freddy.
- Get the fuck outta the car.
- Okay, God.
- Hey, how are you feeling?
- Better, just having
some major cramps.
- Are you starting?
- No, I already had it.
(moaning)
(bed springs creaking)
(phone vibrating)
(moaning)
- Yeah, baby, choke me.
Come on baby.
(moaning)
Go easy, baby, not so tight.
(moaning)
(heavy breathing)
That was hot.
You never got kinky
like that, baby.
- Are you on the rag?
- Yeah, sorry.
We've done it when
I'm ragging before.
- Not with me.
(creepy instrumental)
(xylophone dinging)
- [Clerk] What can I do you for?
- [Freddy] We'd like two rooms.
- King size it is.
Smoker or non?
- No, we'd like two rooms.
- Two rooms?
Are you guys with
another couple?
- No, they're for us.
- Well, you know those
don't connect, right?
- We're not gay.
- Weren't you holdin'
his dick on the way in?
Because I don't like
cleaning blood off the sheets
And shit off the ceilings.
- No, sir.
- Okay, two non-gay rooms.
That'll be 69.35.
(melody swells)
(slow suspenseful instrumental)
Check-out is 11 a.m.
You wanna lick my balls?
- What?
- Do you wanna lick my balls?
- Excuse me, sir, one more time?
- I said do you
want a wake-up call.
- Oh, no, we're good.
- [Clerk] You're all set.
Those rooms are at the end
of the building on the left.
- Thank you.
- Oh, and guys?
Enjoy your stay.
- Thanks.
Hey, look, I know
we got two beds,
but why don't you go ahead and
sleep out in the car, buddy?
- What? No.
I paid for one of those rooms.
- Come on, I'm
just tryin' to get
some alone time with Carrie.
- No, man, forget that.
Plus, dude, she smells like
corn dogs and throw up.
- Just gimme 10 minutes, I'll
wave you in when I'm done.
- No, man, I'm tired.
- How about I break
off your butt plug?
- Alright, fine,
10 minutes, Freddy.
(sign buzzing)
(suspenseful instrumental)
- [Brooklyn] We
at the beach yet?
- No, we're stopping
for the night.
Jason, what are you doing?
- I think he wants to
jerk off or somethin'.
- No, Freddy said I
had to sleep in the car
so he could have
sex with Carrie.
- You fat fuck.
- You're unbelievable.
- You are such a dick, Freddy.
(pained grunt)
- Now see what you made me do?
And if I see you step one foot
inside that room,
I will fuck you up.
(frustrated growl)
- (scoffs) Freddy!
- What, I'm not doin' nothin'.
Babe, are you still upset
because of what fat-ass said?
'Cause I'll kick his
ass if you want me to.
What, I will, for you.
I'm not gonna let anyone
disrespect my girl.
- [{Carrie] Oh, come on, Freddy.
- No, I'm for real.
You can't let little punks
like that get to you.
Throughout your life you're
gonna come across people
who constantly
wanna knock you down
because you're a good person.
I know, because I'm good people.
- Freddy, I'm not
having sex with you.
- What sex?
That's the furthest
thing from my mind.
Unless you want to.
- [{Carrie] No, I
don't feel well.
- Babe, I got blue balls.
- Good, I hope they fall off.
- How can you say that?
Our twins are in there, Fredrick
the second and Fredrina.
- I'm sick here.
Are you seriously still talking?
There's no such
thing as blue balls,
it's just something
guys say to get laid.
- It's not just blue balls,
the men in my family
have a long history
of producing 10 times the
amount of testosterone
of the average Greek
God or gorilla.
We have to have sex every day,
preferably 10 times a day.
- Yeah, so you've told me.
- Then you know it
could be leading
to explosive penis syndrome.
Rumor has it the last
Pope died from it.
- Freddy, if you don't get
the fuck out of my face
with that shit, you'll be
lucky to get any this trip.
(tense violin music)
- Your fuckin' loss, bitch.
Can I at least jerk
off on your ass?
- Get out!
(crickets chirping)
- Fuckin' blue balls.
(heavy breathing)
- [Clerk] You alright, boy?
- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm
just takin' a leak.
Our bathrooms
smells kinda funny.
- Well, you know if you shake
it more than three times,
you're playin' with it.
- Yeah, I've heard that.
But I'm only on the
second shake, so I'm good.
- Okay.
(engine turns over)
- Yes, right there, right there.
Carrie, come here, get
on my left testicle.
Oh, clever girl,
oh, just like that.
(moans)
Jason, get the fuck out.
Carrie, oh, yeah.
Goddamn charlie horse.
(metallic clang)
(slow melodic instrumental)
(frustrated growl)
(sustained growling)
(thrumming heavy instrumental)
(screaming)
- Ah!
Ah! Ah, Carrie!
There's someone or
something out there.
I think she wanted my shoes.
Are you okay?
- Why?
Do I not look okay?
- No you, you look great.
Your hair is pretty.
- I need you to do me a favor.
- Yeah, what?
- I want you to fuck
me as hard as you can.
- What?
- I want you to fuck
me as hard as you can.
- Fuck it.
(toilet flushing)
(water splashing)
- Why are you
smoking that in here?
- To get rid of
the smell of sex.
- It doesn't smell
like sex in here.
(static hissing)
- Not yet.
- I'm not having sex with you.
- Aight, aight, aight,
how 'bout a nice blow job
for a big red apple?
- What? Ew, no.
- So you'll do it
for free, then?
- Are you stupid?
We're not hooking up.
- Okay, Sherlock, why do you
think we are conveniently
here in the same room together?
- This was supposed to
be me and Samara's room.
- And Samara invited me.
- And you and Samara
aren't together anymore.
- That's why she ain't here.
(TV static)
- City was better
the first time.
- But I hear Pat's,
like shakin' and shit.
- [TV Actor] You couldn't
hear that 300 pound hit
on top of the hood.
- [TV Actor] Fuck you
- [TV Actor] Move your
big ass mother-fucker.
(bed squeaking noisily)
(phone buzzing)
(muted TV voices talking)
- [TV Actor] Well,
look, for real?
They say that a little bit.
- [TV Actor] What?
Man, fuck her.
- Who are you texting?
(TV dialog droning)
- Just one of my friends.
- Mmhm.
Guy or girl?
- Girl.
She's sending me pics
of her new puppy.
- Oh really?
- Yeah.
- Lemme see.
- I had to delete it,
my in-box was full.
(sighs)
Are you being jealous?
- Fuck this.
- What the fuck
is wrong with you?
- When you say puppy, do you
really mean big fat dick?
- I don't even know what
you're talking about.
- Oh, really?
- Really.
- I saw the pictures
on your phone, Pam.
- You went through my phone?
How crazy are you?
- Not crazy enough
to be with you.
(door slams)
- Fucker.
Dirk, you better get
back here, you pussy
or I'm never gonna
fuck you again.
- I've had better
sex in boot camp.
- Dirk.
(screams)
(tense orchestral music)
(slams)
(growling)
(screaming)
(violin screeching)
- Damn, boy, you like
you're a fart away
from shittin' yourself.
- [Dirk] I'm sorry, sir.
- Everything all
right with your room?
- Yeah, room's fine, it's
just the bitch that's in it.
- Hey, dickbag.
- Excuse me?
- You got a bloody
hitchhiker riding with you.
Hold still while I flick it off.
(squelching)
- Thanks.
- [Clerk] Don't mention it.
(screaming)
(squishing thud)
(splattering)
(screaming)
(slurping chomps)
(rhythmic groans)
- Fuck me.
- [Jason] I am.
- Fuck me!
- I am!
(rhythmic groans)
Carrie?
Carrie?
Carrie?
(frightened groans)
Oh, what the fuck?
(wet chomping)
(screaming)
Oh, fuck!
(screaming)
(groans)
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah.
Right there, oh,
this is awesome.
Yeah.
(heavy breathing)
- I was wonderin' when
you were gonna come to.
- Oh, what the fuck?
- That's a pretty nice goose
egg you got on your noggin.
Why don't you put your
peter back in your pants?
Follow your
chicken-chokin' ass with me
and I'll have the
missus fix you up.
- No, I'm alright, man.
(creepy instrumental)
What the fuck.
Carrie?
What's up with the lights?
Carrie?
Oh, there you are.
And you're naked.
What a nice surprise.
You been waitin' for me?
(whimpers)
What can daddy do for you?
I know.
Freddy will fix you right up.
Oh, yeah.
I've been waitin'
for this all week.
You're a little dry.
I'm gonna be wettin'
you up with my tongue.
(slurping)
You're a bit stinky
tonight baby,
but, I love it
when you're stinky.
Some of your dinner slipped
down into your lunchbox, babe,
but I love peanuts, too.
(slurping)
Man, your clit is so
swollen it's like two clits.
And a banana.
Let me get little
Freddy in there,
I mean big Freddy in there, now.
You're a little
extra tight, baby.
(groaning)
Oh, yeah.
Fuck.
Ah, this feels good.
Fuck.
(groaning)
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
I'm gonna have to hit
you up on the recharge.
(moaning)
- Brooklyn, I invited
Samara, she invited you.
You two aren't
together anymore, yet,
you're here and she's not.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
- So, what you're saying is.
I make you feel safe.
- What?
Where would you get
an idea like that?
- It's aight, it's aight,
I know what you meant.
I'll protect you.
You see these?
These are considered
deadly weapons.
They are registered
in all 65 states.
I shouldn't even be
wearin' these right now.
Why you think I had to
move out of Brooklyn?
'Cause I was banned.
You wanna know what
my warrior name was?
Big Fat Dick Deadly Hands.
I can't even jerk off with
these bad boys no mo'.
- [Christine] I'm
going for a walk.
- Cool, can you bring
me back a sweet tea
and some Ginger Snaps?
- Yeah, sure.
(soft snoring)
- Oh, yeah, baby.
Oh, you still got
a good grip on me.
Feels like someone's
ready for round two.
(groaning)
Oh, fuck.
You like that, baby?
Yeah, you do like that.
Oh.
Okay, I'm gonna go again.
Oh, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Oh.
(kisses)
Okay.
Carrie?
Come on.
Come on, loosen up, Carrie.
Come on, I can't pull it out.
Carrie, come on.
Come on, you gotta let go.
Carrie?
What the hell?
(sinister orchestral music)
Oh, what the fuck?
Oh, no no no no no no.
Fuck you fat faggy fuck.
Come on, come on.
Get off me, you fat, fat, fuck.
(heavy thud)
Oh, no, no no no no,
get the fuck off me,
you fat, fat, fuck.
Fuck, no, no no no no no.
No, no, no.
(bill changer whirring)
(sighs)
(banging)
(bangs)
(soda clatters)
- Thanks.
- [Dirk] You're welcome.
- Broke stranger with manners?
- I'm just trying to change the
rogue strangers are bad rep.
- I'm sorry, are
you hitting on me?
- What?
- You're Pamela's
boyfriend, aren't you?
- I was.
But I just found out
she's been cheating on me.
(soda clatters)
- God, I'm sorry.
I feel like such an idiot.
- No, it's cool.
Don't worry about it.
- Wait.
I'm Christine.
- I'm Dirk.
- So are you headed
to the beach, or
- I was.
Not so sure now, though.
You?
- Yeah, me and my BFF.
- That's cool.
- Um.
So you're in the Army, right?
- Yeah, I was, up 'til
a couple weeks ago.
It's a long story, bad ending.
- You're really on quite
the roll, aren't you Dirk?
- (chuckles) Yeah,
that's for sure.
- You wanna talk about it?
- Mm, no, that's cool.
- I won't judge you.
- Okay.
- Were you overseas?
- No, local.
I just got outta boot
camp and realized
it wasn't really my thing.
- No?
- Na, that's more or
less my dad's dream.
Did you know, on average,
12 people a year die
from vending machines
falling on them?
- Do vending machines just
randomly fall onto people?
- Oh, no.
Most of the time,
people just get pissed.
They lose their money or
their snack and they shake it.
The other ones are
random, though.
Like, fluke earthquakes.
- And why are you putting
your vending machine expertise
on display for me?
Are you trying to
impress a girl?
- Well, dangerous vending
machine, dark motel,
late at night.
Shouldn't you have your
boyfriend take care of this?
- Well, I don't
have a boyfriend.
- Oh, no?
- [Christine] No.
- Cool.
- (laughing) So you
are hitting on me.
- What if I was?
- That depends.
Are you a psychotic rapist?
- What if I was?
(laughing)
I mean, no, no, I'm
nothin' like that at all.
- I don't think you would
tell me if you were.
- No, no, I'd say something.
Psychotic rapists
take a solemn oath.
- Well, Dirk, go
ahead and hit on me.
See where it takes you.
- Alright.
(soda bubbles noisily)
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
(groaning)
- Goddamn, you are one
hefty motherfucker.
Oh.
(heavy breathing)
What the fuck?
(loud wailing growling)
Get the fuck off me!
(snarling)
Get the fuck off.
(gas hissing)
(choking)
Lights out.
(snarls)
(electricity crackles)
This is the worst
spring break, ever.
- [Christine] So,
after I graduate,
I'm gonna go to
veterinarian school.
- [Dirk] Oh, so
you like animals?
- [Christine] No, I hate them.
Duh.
My dad's a vet, too.
- Oh, your dad was in the war?
- Shut up, Dirk.
(laughing)
But yeah, I'm a bit of
a daddy's little girl.
- Oh, well, I'm a bit
of a daddy's girl, too.
- You are such a smart ass.
- Okay, okay, cut it out.
No, me, I'm more
of a momma's boy.
- What does your dad think
about you leaving the Army?
- Well, he doesn't know I left.
He thinks I graduated,
he even bought me a gun
as a graduation present.
Just really haven't had the
heart to tell him I left.
- Well, I'm sure
he'll understand.
- So, are you a
cat or dog person?
- Well, I love all animals,
but since you're so eager
to categorize me, I would
have to say I'm a cat person.
- Oh, lame.
- What?
- No, you cat people,
you're just weird.
- We are not.
- (Scoffs) No?
- No.
- No, really, you are.
Did you know, on average,
that 12 old ladies a year
die by their cats?
Eaten alive.
- Here's the stats man again.
- No, really, I'm serious.
I'm not talking about the
ones who just horde like 78
of them in their
single-wide trailer.
Sometimes, it's the ones that
just have one or two of 'em.
They forget to
feed 'em one night
and the the next thing you know,
bam!
(squealing laugh)
(hisses) Kitten chow.
And you cat people are
notoriously violent.
- No.
- Yes.
And another thing,
cats are just so dumb.
Now dogs, that is
a smart animal.
- Cats are way
smarter than dogs.
- Oh, really?
- Mmhm.
- And how many drug-sniffing
cats have you heard of?
- 12.
- Oh.
(high-pitched scream)
What was that?
- Sounded like it was Carrie.
(female scream)
(screaming)
(screams)
- Carrie?
- Stay with me.
(screams)
(screechy jangling music)
(thud)
- Dirk!
- I'm sorry!
It, it was a reaction.
Fuck, run!
Go!
- Get the keys, get
the keys, get the keys.
Quickly, go, go, go, go, go.
- Alright, alright, alright!
(murderous screech)
Shit.
(wailing)
- [Christine] What
are you doing?
Oh my God!
(garbled screaming)
- Yo, zombie bitch.
(epic orchestral music)
(weapon fires)
- Carrie what happened to you?
You were my BFF.
Why? Why?
- Something tells me she's
not your friend anymore.
- What the fuck is going on?
- I don't think we should
stick around to find out.
(enraged growling)
(Christine screaming)
Fuck!
- Dirk, Dirk!
(Dirk yelling)
(Christine screaming)
(thudding bass music)
- No, no, no!
Ah, God.
Get off!
(weapon fires)
(weapon fires)
(heavy beathing)
- [Christine] Are you okay?
- Yeah, I think so.
Are you okay?
- No, what the hell is
going on and why wouldn't
that guy just die?
- I don't know.
- My God, I'm
calling the police.
Hi, yes, police?
You gotta send someone quick.
My best friend just
tried to kill me.
I think it's something she
ate or she's on her period.
(zipper zips)
The Redwood Motel.
Christine.
Yes, please, hurry.
- Have you seen my keys?
- Oh, Carrie.
(low thrumming percussion)
- Come on, come to daddy.
- Oh, Carrie.
(soft sobbing)
(malignant violin melody)
- Wha, no no no, no no!
- Dirk!
(aggressive growls)
(pained grunt)
- Carrie, please let go of me.
Carrie, please let go of me.
(pained grunts)
(thudding orchestral music)
(soft cries)
- Kick her in the vag.
(squelching)
(whimpering cries)
(wet squelch)
(thud)
(epic instrumental
with vocalization)
(weapon fires)
(distressed cries)
(weapon fires)
(sobbing whimpers)
- Are you okay?
- No!
(music swells)
- [Dirk] Fuck.
Go, go, go, go.
- Yo, shorty, where's
my Ginger Snaps?
- Brooklyn, I'm gonna need you
to listen to me very carefully.
- Who the fuck
invited John McClain?
And what's with
the burner, John.
- It's for protection.
And you need to
listen to your friend.
- Yo, only pussies carry guns.
You see these right here?
Yo, you see these?
- Brooklyn!
Carrie's dead and she's
trying to kill us.
- Who the fuck is Carrie?
- She's still out there.
- Are you guys for real?
- No bullshit.
- Take a look for yourself.
(suspenseful thrumming music)
- I don't see no dead bitch.
(discordant thudding
instrumental)
Fuck, fuck, oh, what the fuck?
Get me out, get the fuck out.
(arguing screams)
- Hey, relax!
We have to stay calm, alright?
- And who the fuck are you?
- I'm the guy that's
gonna save your ass.
Call me Dirk.
- What?
Is this guy for real?
(gravel crunching)
(ominous instrumental)
- [Officer] Hey, dispatch?
What was the address on
that location, again?
- [Dispatcher] 713 Brandel
Road, so roger that.
- [Officer] Yeah, roger
that, I'm on location.
I don't see any
signs of disturbance.
(low growling)
- Come on, come on, little
Freddy, let's get outta here.
Yeah, I'm not gay, I'm not gay,
this could happen
to anybody, right?
Oh, what am I gonna
tell my priest?
Oh, fuck.
(banging on door)
Who is it?
- [Officer] Police, open up.
- Really?
- [Officer] Yeah,
really, open the door.
- Just a minute.
- [Officer] Sir, open the door.
- [Freddy] Just one more second.
- [Officer] Open the door, now.
Open the door, now!
- I'm kinda busy right now.
If you'll leave your name,
your number at the tone,
I'll be sure to get back to
you as soon as possible, beep.
- [Officer] Alright, sir,
I'm gonna give you a count
of three and then I'm
gonna kick the door in.
One.
- Hold on, one minute.
- [Officer] Two.
Three!
(door clangs)
What's goin' on in here?
- Nothin' man, we
were just sleepin'.
- Sir.
- Sir, he's dead tired.
(sighs)
(sniffs)
(clears throat)
Why are you guys
so close together?
- Um, we just
finished, you know.
- (chuckling) You guys from
like California or something?
- No, man, we're just
headed towards the beach
and we just stopped
here for the night.
- Yeah, well what
happened to your head?
- I got caught on a zipper?
- Did you guys hear any other
kind of noises or anything?
Like screams or somethin'?
- [Freddy] Besides us?
No, not really.
- Well, how 'bout you
keep it down, then, huh?
- Yes, Sir, thank you.
(Jason moans)
- What was that?
- Nothin', he's just
having a bad dream.
Isn't that right, baby?
(kisses) Oh, come
on, go to sleep.
- You guys just be safe.
- You too, sir,
have a good night.
How could I think your
balls were two clits?
(suspenseful string music)
- Freeze!
- Thank God, officer.
- Why don't you put that
gun down, right now.
- Yo, he's Dirk.
- Quiet!
- Your gun, sir.
- Okay.
I'm putting it down.
- We're the ones
that called you, Sir.
- [Dirk] Nice and
easy, here you go.
- [Christine] Someone or
something is trying to kill us.
- Back away slowly.
Keep your hands
where I can see 'em.
- Why aren't you
listening to us?
- Miss.
Hands where I can see 'em.
(whistles)
Hey, Dispatch.
- Sir?
- [Dispatcher] Go for dispatch.
- Dispatch, yeah,
I'm over at the motel
and I don't know what the
hell's goin' on over here.
Yeah. Miss!
Back up, stay vertical.
- Zombies is what's going on!
You mother-fucking prick.
So tell them to send for
the fucking SWAT team
and bring your
mother-fucking Army.
- Christine?
- And, between all of those
fucks, tell them to pray
for a fucking
miracle that I don't
shove a fireball up your ass!
- Christine!
- What!
- Young lady, do not move!
- Sir?
- This...
- Sir?
- What?
- Behind you.
(music swells)
- What the fuck?
(rhythmic breathing)
Yo, put that shit away.
(measured growling)
- Hey, freeze!
(sustained growl)
(officer screaming)
- I'm never jerking off again.
(officer screaming)
(flesh sizzling)
(Freddy grunting)
- Oh, what the fuck?
What the fuck,
this sucks so bad.
Worst spring break, ever.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Jason, what the fuck dude?
What the fuck?
Stop.
What the fuck.
No.
Jason, what the fuck, man?
(strident musical vocalization)
Jason, what the fuck
are you doin' man?
Jason, stop.
Jason.
No, Jason!
You will not go out that door.
No, I will not be
seen like this.
No! Stop it!
You're not gonna make me gay!
No, Jason, stop!
Stop!
(forceful grunting)
Ah, I'm not gonna die like this.
I'm not gonna die like this.
(pained grunts)
(bones cracking)
- [Dirk] Come on
- Come on, the keys, the keys.
Come on, the keys!
I'm fucked!
(muted screams)
(ferocious yowls)
(weapon firing)
(glass squeaking)
(thuds)
- Run! Run!
(snarling)
(weapon firing)
(pained grunts)
(thrumming percussive music)
(whimpering)
- Wake up!
Pam?
(slow piano melody)
(squelching chomp)
(struggling groans)
(stomping thuds)
(terrified whimpers)
(muted footsteps)
(aggressive growl)
(discordant instrumental melody)
(demonic vocalization)
(choking)
(squelching flesh)
- Fuck me.
- You've been fucked.
(weapon fires)
(hysterical whimpers)
(metallic thud)
(horrified whimpers)
- You okay?
- Yeah.
(rattling)
(wet squelch)
Thank you.
- You know, it's a
good night for America.
- What?
(metallic clang)
(pained groans)
(weapon fires)
(water running)
(metallic clang)
(squelch)
(creepy jangling instrumental)
(muffled screams)
(muffled screams)
- Now, I don't know what you
kids want here, but I like it.
I feel you.
(maniacal laughter)
You know what I could
go for right now?
I could go for some
fresh finger food.
(screams increasing)
How 'bout you, honey?
- One each!
- Everybody sucks.
(screaming increases)
What the hell?
(furious growling)
(squelches)
- Shoot him in the brains!
(weapon fires)
Shoot him in the other brain.
(weapon fires)
(long pained groan)
(inhuman lyrical groaning)
(wet squelch)
Come on!
(triumphant instrumental)
(electronic buzz)
C'mon, gimme the keys, go!
Let's check the fuck out.
(suspenseful orchestral melody)
- [Both] No, no, no.
(growling)
(screaming)
- Fuck you, bitch.
(pained screaming)
(heavy percussive orchestration)
- Penis, penis,
penis, I want penis.
Penis in my butt, I want
penis in my butt, in my
(thuds)
- Fucker!
(screaming)
(both screaming)
(uptempo violin melody)
- I wanna go home.
- I'll drive.
(doors slam)
(mellow instrumental)
(jangling discord)
(mellow guitar)
- Hey, I just wanted
to say thank you.
- You're welcome
And hey, thanks for ah
(kissing)
(hawk cries)
Oh my God!
- What?
What is it?
(ominous melody)
What did you do to me?
- I didn't know!
I must be immune.
- Stay away from me!
- Christine!
Christine!
- Stay away from me, you stay a
(screeching thud)
- Are you one a them?
Are you one of them?
- No.
- [Woody] Oh, shit!
(weapons firing)
Was she one of them?
She was pretty.
- Yeah, she was.
- Where you headed?
- South.
That's where my family is.
- We just came from south,
man, it's fuckin' chaos.
- Fuckers are everywhere.
- Is there anyone left?
- A few.
Where you goin'?
- South.
- [Eugene] Didn't you hear
what we just said, man?
Ain't nothin' down there.
- I'll take my chances.
- [Eugene] What exactly
do you think you gonna do?
- Earth just Googled hero,
and I came up number one.
What the
(crunch)
And there was nothin'
left to do but die.
But now I think
I see the light
I think I see the light
Through the crack in my coffin
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
And my soul is
gonna be alright
Because I think
I see the light
I think I see the light
Through the crack in my coffin
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
And my soul is
gonna be alright
I was already packed
and all ready to go
When the reaper came a-callin
I was prayin' to the Lord
Please come and save my soul
While my body was a-thawin
My body is deceased
My body is deceased
My body is deceased
And the worms are gonna feast
My body is deceased
My body is deceased
But I think I
finally see the light
Oh yeah
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
Through the crack in my coffin
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
And my soul is
gonna be alright
I was already packed
and all ready to go
When the reaper came a-callin
I was prayin' to the Lord
Please come and save my soul
While my body was a thawin
My body is deceased
My body is deceased
My body is deceased
And the worms are gonna feast
My body is deceased
My body is deceased
But I think I
finally see the light
Oh yeah
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
Through the crack in my coffin
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
And my soul is
gonna be all right
Yeah
I was already packed
and all ready to go
When the reaper came a-callin'
I was prayin' to the Lord
Won't you come
and save my soul
While my body was a-thawin'
Well they put me in the ground
They put me in the ground
The preacher said a prayer
As they were lowerin' me down
They put me in the ground
They put me in the ground
But I think I
finally see the light
Well, I think I see the light
I think I see the light
Through the crack in my coffin
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
And my soul is
gonna be alright
Because I think
I see the light
I think I see the light
Through the crack in my coffin
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
I think I see the light
And my soul is
gonna be alright
And my soul is
gonna be alright
And my soul
("Mean Motherfucker Blues")
I woke up one mornin'
And I kicked my dog
I beat my neighbor's head in
With a big maple log
Then I called his
big fat hairy wife
A big fat hairy slob
I had the blues
The mean motherfucker blues
(guitar bridge)
I stole this car
and I headed downtown
Saw the paperboy
I ran that little bastard down
Threw it in reverse
And squashed his
brains into the ground
I had the blues
The mean motherfucker blues
(guitar bridge)
I was doin' 90 and I
heard that siren wail
Cop pulls me over, says
he's takin' me to jail
(mysterious piano music)
(rhythmic thrumming)