You're going the wrong way!
Franklin!
What the hell's wrong with you?
You bastard!
You all right?
Who's that?
Your momma!
Franklin, you forgot your coat.
- I'm going to dunk on you.
- You couldn't dunk doughnuts.
A dollar!
You got it.
Step aside, chump.
Pay up, sucker!
Christ!
Do you recognize this man as
Franklin Delano Roosevelt Jones?
What was your...
...relationship with the deceased?
He was my Avon lady.
- Give me a break.
- Give me a break!
You think this is
a thrilling morning for me?
Eat an Egg McMuffin,
look at a dead guy.
Look, honey, I--
I'm not your honey.
It's Belinda.
As a matter of fact,
it's Miss Keaton.
Are you listening to this?
She's a whore.
Hello.
And this guy here was her pimp!
He didn't pay off someone
like he was supposed to...
...so somebody made him
kiss the sidewalk.
Can I close the drawer now?
Sure.
All right. Now can you tell me
who sent him to pimp heaven?
- Sure! Now can you kiss my ass?
- For how much?
Is someone going to pick up Mr. Jones?
We sure could use the space.
You've got it, sport.
Sir, could you sign right here?
Excuse me.
Franklin once told me that
he wanted to be buried in his car.
We don't do that.
You'd probably have to call
the funeral home...
...or the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Don't I know you?
Yeah, I do. I do.
No. I couldn't.
I wouldn't!
I'm engaged.
Here's a picture
of my fiance, Charlotte.
The picture doesn't do her justice.
She's suffering from water buildup.
I thought I knew you.
A lot of guys have my face.
This is my mom.
- You okay, Chuck?
- Thanks for waiting.
I'm taking off.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Good night.
Hi, Mr. Carboni.
Ain't you going home?
Hector's an hour late.
It's seven o'clock.
- Hector's been transferred.
- You got a new night man.
Not exactly. Starting tomorrow,
you're on night shift.
Night shift?
I started on night shift.
I'm here 6 years.
I thought I'd get a raise--
Are you going to make trouble?
Are you going to go over my head?
Night shift?
Hey, Chuckie, baby!
Come on!
Night shift's better!
There's no supervisors.
You practically run the place.
You like to read.
It's quiet at night.
- It's quiet during the day.
- Good. It's settled.
See you tomorrow night.
You'll be breaking in a new partner.
Bill something or other.
Mr. Carboni?
Who has my job?
Right here.
It's right on here.
He seems to have
the same last name you do.
I think he's my nephew.
I'll see you, Chuck.
Well, that's just wonderful.
What am I supposed to be doing
every night while you're working?
- I'll be home days.
- I work days.
All normal people work days.
Should I have quit?
Want me to go--
Why ask me? I don't know why
you work there in the first place.
Your mother says you're
a financial wizard.
Why do you listen to my mother?
This is the same woman...
...who goes to a sance every
Friday night since my father died...
...just so she can still yell at him.
How long will you be on there?
Until the wedding.
That's nine months.
Don't you want me to look good?
I think you look good now.
And I think you're
the sweetest man in the world.
Every day!
You're going the wrong way!
You the night guy?
How you doing?
I'm Leonard Carboni.
What a pleasure to meet you, Leonard.
- How was your first day?
- Shitty!
- A lot of paperwork.
- I see.
Uncle Sal said you'd
straighten it out.
Fine.
Jumpin' Jack Flash
How you doing?
I'm Bill Blazejowski.
Call me Billy Blaze.
You must be Chuck.
Nice shoes.
This is all right.
Guess this is where I'll be working.
I'm your new partner.
Swish! They're going crazy
in the arena!
They can't believe it!
Unbelievable!
Great! What's our job?
Drive around and pick up stiffs?
Is that what we're supposed to do?
Who's this? Wife?
Fiance.
Nice frame.
We can make stuff. We can read.
Coffee. This is great!
I like it.
You want to know why
I carry this tape recorder?
It's to tape things.
See...
...I'm an idea man, Chuck.
All right?
I get ideas all day.
I can't control them.
It's like they come charging in.
I can't even fight them
if I wanted to.
So I say them in here.
That way, I never forget them.
Okay, here's an example.
Watch out. Stand back.
This is Bill.
Idea to eliminate garbage.
Edible paper.
Eat it, it's gone.
Eat it, it's out of there.
No garbage.
I got everything in here.
Business ideas, inventions.
I wrote a couple of musicals.
Would you like to see
the rest of the office?
Want a Snickers? It's not frozen,
my refrigerator broke.
I understand.
Where you from?
I'm from Cleveland.
I'm originally from Seattle.
- And this is our lab.
- Yeah, it's nice.
Get this.
I'm living with this chick.
I come home,
I catch her in bed...
...with another girl.
I went, "No!"
I couldn't believe it!
She went lesbo on me, like that.
Unbelievable!
I just finished my dinner.
I walked right out of there.
- What do you think? Was that wrong?
- That's very personal--
What's in here?
Just stiffs and stuff?
No, we call them corpses.
- Can I take a peek?
- Sure.
I think there's one--
This Carboni guy.
Is he our boss?
He's the supervisor.
He's not here at night.
Get out of town!
Just you, me and the stiffs alone?
That's going to be radical!
That guy's dead.
Charlotte?
You've been in there half an hour.
You okay?
I'm fat.
You're not fat.
I'm fat!
This is my one night off.
I look forward to this all week.
Why don't you come to bed?
I just want to lose six more pounds.
Tonight?
Why don't you run into bed?
Maybe you'll lose pounds along the way.
All right, Chuck.
Just don't look at me.
Are the lights out?
Are the lights out?
Could you close the drapes?
Sure.
Could you just check
the apartment?
Why do I have to check
the apartment every time?
Would you, please? If you check
the apartment, then I can relax.
Nobody here.
Are you excited?
Like the French when Lindbergh landed.
Am I fat?
Am I fat?
You're a willow.
You're a reed.
You're Audrey Hepburn.
You're not fat.
That music.
What music?
That music.
What music?
It's just a little loud music.
Well, it bothers me.
You let too many things bother you.
That way you'll never
have an orgas--
Don't you say that word!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Who the hell is that?
Did you knock on that door?
Well?
Mistake.
It's a very big mistake.
Luke, who is it?
Some dwarf.
Thank you.
What's taking so long?
Will he stop playing that awful music?
- We were just getting to that--
- What's she mean, "awful music"?
Awful good.
She meant awful good.
Why don't you go back inside?
I'll be right in.
Go play with your rope.
Don't be long, now.
Sorry.
We'll keep it down, okay?
I knew I recognized you!
Last week, at the morgue.
I knew I recognized you.
I'd probably seen you
in the building when I moved in.
You live here?
But don't worry.
Luke is leaving town
with the rodeo, and I...
...hardly ever do business up here.
What kind of business are they doing?
She sells cowboy hats.
The man was in his underwear.
And cowboy underwear.
Belinda! Come on, darling.
Haul it in here, now.
I'll be right in.
I've got to go.
We'll keep it down.
See you around, neighbor.
I took care of that.
Let's go back inside.
I think I should go home.
Why? They said they'll keep it down.
When did you get dressed?
It wasn't going to be any good
tonight anyway. I feel so guilty!
I cheated today.
- You're kidding.
- I had a Nestle's Crunch bar.
Food.
I feel like dirt.
I am really sorry.
No one else would be
this patient with me.
I'll see you next Sunday.
Food came.
You owe me three dollars.
I'm really getting good
at remembering these cards.
Twenty-one.
Boy, I tell you...
...this weekend is it.
This weekend,
I go to Atlantic City...
...and I do nothing but play blackjack
straight through.
I won't even get a room,
I'll just get those Wash 'N Drys.
You know? Did I tell you
I thought of them first?
Only they already had them.
Twenty-one.
What's the matter?
I ordered egg salad
and they sent me tuna fish.
They always send the wrong food.
Send it back, get what you want.
They get angry if you complain.
It's all right.
The chef has a lot on his mind.
Like what? Curing cancer?
Wait a minute.
Hold the phone.
I got it!
Oh, you're going to cure cancer.
Tuna fish.
What if you mix...
...mayonnaise in the can
with the tuna?
Hold it!
Hold it! Wait a minute!
Take live tuna fish...
...and feed them mayonnaise.
This is good.
Call StarKist.
This is great!
Wall Street Journal?
Why not the Enquirer?
It interests me.
I was an investment counselor.
No kidding?
What's that?
It's like a stockbroker.
So what are you doing
babysitting stiffs?
You're a drinker, big drinker?
Toothead. Doper.
Nose candy. Coke.
Come on.
It was a very rough job!
I'd shape up a deal over two months,
another man...
...would come in
and take all the credit.
I just needed a place that was quiet.
I'm in a transitional period.
What kind of paper is this?
No sports, no comics, no Ann Landers.
Can I help you?
Yes, I'm looking
for a Mr. Blazejowski.
I'm Jefferey Durkin.
You sure are.
How you doing, Jeff?
You got money for me?
Some cash? Some do-re-mi?
- 20 bucks, right?
- 20 bucks. Thanks.
Wait outside while
I'm getting the car.
- Sure.
- All right, there you go.
Nice tux!
Good fit!
I don't want to be a buttinksy,
but what exactly is going on?
Some kind of debutante ball.
Kid wants me to take him and his girl.
You're taking one of
the morgue vehicles?
It's a limo, ain't it?
It's a limo for dead people.
Did you see that kid?
Wait. Are you telling me...
...that every night you leave,
this is what you do?
There isn't a debutante ball
every night.
I do weddings, bar mitzvahs
or just cruise the airport.
I picked up these Japanese guys.
$400 from the airport to the U.N.
You're ripping off diplomats!
Here.
It's $100.
What is this for?
Okay, big-time, let's roll!
Rock and roll!
What happens if we get a call?
If you have to go
and pick up a body or....
I'll be back.
By the time I get there,
they won't be dead anymore?
Hey, kid.
Do you like music?
- Sure!
- Good.
Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas-gas-gas
Okay, Hoppy, lead the way.
Oh, Pebbles! Daddy's home!
Good evening, Leonard.
Hi, Mr. Lumley.
Boy, that Barney Rubble.
What an actor!
We got some bodies in the wrong drawers.
But Uncle Sal said--
I'd straighten it out.
Good night, Mr. Lumley.
Flintstones, meet them Flintstones
They're the modern Stone Age family
"Name of the deceased."
"Something Polish"?
I just saw jerky Leonard.
Why don't we have TV?
Want to hear about my weekend?
I've been working
on my blackjack system.
All right. So.
I go down to Atlantic City...
...and I'm in the casino
with my Wash 'N Drys.
Did I tell you I had
the idea for them first?
Anyway, I'm sitting there
and I'm playing blackjack, right?
They bar me.
They bar me!
I'm out! I'm barred!
I can't get in now.
Right? You know why?
Being too good a player.
How much did you win?
I was down a couple hundred.
But they could tell I was good.
They looked at me and threw me out.
They bar me.
So they deal me off the bottom.
I can tell.
So I yell at the dealer.
He goes to the pit boss.
So I throw my complimentary
watered-down drink in his fat face!
So they barred me
for being too good a player.
Think I'll go to Vegas next week.
I wish you would shut up.
Vegas knows how to treat you right.
Because you got broads
and Wayne Newton.
He's an Indian, did you know?
- I'll introduce you--
- Do me a favor?
Would you please shut up?
You telling me to shut up?
I'm telling you to shut up!
I will tell your recorder
so that you don't forget.
Hello, this is Chuck
to remind Bill to shut up!
This used to be a quiet place
before you came.
You talk too much!
Edible paper?
Feeding mayonnaise to tuna fish?
I will give you a quarter
if you just stop talking!
Thank you.
I thought we were friends.
Hello, this is Chuck
to remind Bill to shut up!
Hello, this is Chuck
to remind Bill to shut up!
Hello, this is Chuck
to remind Bill to shut up!
--Bill to shut up!
Sorry that I yelled at you.
You think it's been easy on me?
I come in here,
I'm the new guy with no friends.
I confide in you my whole life!
I tell you my deepest,
most intimate stuff.
You share anything with me?
I see a picture
of your fiance everyday.
You don't even tell me her name.
I gave you $100.
I didn't ask for it.
That's what made it such
a beautiful gesture.
Never mind. Forget it.
We'll work together every night
like strangers. That's fine with me.
Charlotte.
What?
My fiance's name is Charlotte.
Oh, my God!
Did you fall down?
Did somebody hit you?
It's the other way around.
Somebody hit me and then I fell down.
I wish I had my handkerchief.
I've got tissue in my purse.
Let me do it.
Do you have a handkerchief?
Mugger!
I need your handkerchief.
Thank you.
This was the first time I was
ever beaten up by a bunch of Bluebells.
I didn't like it.
How are you?
I'm great.
Four pounds of makeup,
they'll never know the difference.
Can I ask you a question?
I wouldn't do it with a guy
until he paid me.
So, he beat me up.
That's what happens
without a pimp.
Some guys figure,
why should they pay?
That guy in the morgue.
He was your pimp, right?
A lot of Franklin's ladies
are in the same boat.
We could find another pimp...
...but some of those guys
are real rough.
Get the girls hooked on dope.
Drugs or beat-up.
It's a nice choice.
You could do something different.
You're very bright.
Is your head okay?
Because I'm real tired.
Oh, yeah. I'm fine.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
I hope everything turns out all right.
See you in the halls.
She was just lying there
in the elevator?
She was all beat-up.
That's why they have pimps.
That's what she said.
She knows a bunch
of girls that need pimps.
I really hope they find
someone trustworthy.
Are you crazy?
Those guys are killers.
They're animals.
They dress nice, though.
Wait a minute.
Hold the phone, Chuck.
We got all that space
down at the morgue.
All those cars. All that time at night.
Nobody watching us.
We could handle things
for your neighbor...
...and her friends,
right out of the morgue!
Pimps?
Are you saying we should become pimps?
Pimps is an ugly word.
We'll call us Love Brokers.
This is my stop.
You think about it.
I really think this is the one.
I am excited about this. I mean it.
This is it, I think.
Love Brokers.
Love Brokers!
You and me, buddy!
You're over the rainbow, pal.
Love Brokers.
Last week when you helped me...
...I got a little rude before you left.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Well, anyway....
We come home from work
at the same time each day.
I thought maybe we might
start having breakfast together.
You got any eggs?
I practically have
a whole dairy in here.
Great!
Your place is beautiful!
And it's warm!
My place is freezing.
And you got a kitchen.
And you got eggs.
How do you like your eggs?
- Scrambled.
- Of course.
Men love scrambled.
I didn't know that.
Men love scrambled.
Does the window open?
No, I'm real sorry.
It's painted shut.
Makes sense, doesn't it?
That's where the fire escape is.
Is there a vent or a fan or anything?
Sorry, that room catches
all the heat in the morning.
It's okay.
Well, you know...
...it's worse in the summer.
My God!
I'll put my robe back on.
No, no, don't!
What I mean is...
...that you should be comfortable.
I am.
I'll get that.
It's probably for me.
Why'd you call?
What's the matter?
You ate what?
That's okay.
Just don't do it again.
What do you mean, what am I doing?
I'm not doing anything.
Of course I sound strange
if you call me...
...and you say what am I doing,
and I'm not doing anything!
Oh, my God.
I just stepped on a tack.
I love you too.
Eggs coming right up.
I was thinking about
the last time that we were together.
And I was wondering...
...have you been able to find a....
A pimp?
I have to, though.
This way's too dangerous.
Lupe, she's my friend.
She got her arm broke last week.
What a sick world!
Yeah. Thank God.
We could do this every morning.
At least until
you get tired of eggs.
Boy, it is hot in here.
You got any bread?
I must have left my money at home.
It's in my other pants, I think.
There you go.
$4.90 out of $5?
Keep the dime.
That's all right.
I'll take these.
They gave me the wrong bread.
- I asked for wheat, I got white.
- Send it back.
- You gave him white bread.
- Don't make a fuss.
My mother said, you send it back,
the chef spits on it.
Turkeys!
Come and get your turkeys.
Immoral?
What do you mean, immoral?
As a matter of fact,
prostitution is probably...
...one of the most
moral things in the world.
How'd you figure that out?
Simple. You take a guy.
He's in from out of town.
Let's say that guy.
He's in from out of town.
He's here on business.
He's away from his wife
and 2.3 children.
He's got urges. Let's say he
goes in to see this picture.
Which, by the way,
is not a bad movie.
Anyway, let's say this picture...
...stimulates his....
Urges.
Good word.
Now he's out on the
street again, right?
He is a loaded pistol!
He's like Mount St. Helens.
Who walks by...
...but a Girl Scout
swinging her cookies?
Girl Scouts of America.
He goes bananas.
He's on her like mud on a pig.
That wouldn't have happened if
he'd gone to a hooker, right?
So you call that moral?
He goes and jumps on a Girl Scout...
...and breaks her cookies
and you call that moral?
You figured that all out
just by yourself?
- I have that kind of mind.
- Yes, you do.
So let's do it!
Okay, now?
Yeah, nice.
But isn't this a little high, Angelo?
That's the way I always do it.
You like it that way.
I do?
All right, I do.
How you doing?
You getting a haircut?
No, I just like wearing sheets.
Look at this. Did I tell you?
"Girl Scout Attacked!"
In the paper.
Could I see that again?
Right there.
"Girl Scout Attacked!"
"Girl Scout Attacked By Dog."
Dog. Guy from out of town.
What's the difference?
There's a difference.
One carries an attach case.
The other urinates on a tree.
What are you doing? What is this?
A haircut? You call that--
Even these sideburns out!
The man has a razor in his hand.
Let us not get him angry.
One sideburn's up here.
The other's in Fort Lauderdale.
He is a seasoned professional.
Do you want Belinda
working for one of those animals?
You want her to be
Miss Heroin 1982?
Charlotte's parents are
coming in for Thanksgiving.
I really need to get this haircut.
That's it, get the haircut!
Get all your hair cut.
You only think about yourself.
You don't care what happens to me!
Or what happens to Belinda!
You don't care about what happens to
the Girl Scouts of America!
I'm fed up, man!
I'm fed up with you!
I wash my hands
and my feet of you!
Trim that!
Mr. and Mrs. Koogle,
would you like a drink?
Mrs. Koogle and I do not drink.
Of course.
So how do you like
our fair city?
We don't.
Perhaps if you drank you would.
Mom, is dinner almost ready?
Turkey's almost dead.
Hi! Happy Thanksgiving.
- Arrested?
- I'm really sorry.
I called the landlady
and she wasn't home.
They're taking me to night court.
My ID and money are in my apartment.
This is not a good evening.
My entire family
is here for Thanksgiving.
Please!
Franklin used to take
care of all these things.
I don't know what they're
going to do to me.
Don't cry.
I'll be there as soon as
I can get there.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Have you seen the lights on at night?
No wonder this city's going broke!
I have to go out and I'll be back
in a minute, okay?
What? Where are you going?
You didn't have to come with me.
I would've been home in 10 minutes.
We paid for the rental car,
might as well use it.
You want to excuse me, sonny?
I want to know why she called you.
She's my neighbor.
Excuse me.
The district attorney has
no objections...
...so if you like,
I think we can proceed.
Next case.
That's his neighbor.
Belinda Keaton, you're charged
with prostitution and assault.
Not guilty, your honor.
- Not guilty?
- Not guilty!
Not guilty!
Your honor, this woman is a menace!
You are one Howard Pelekoudas?
Yes, sir.
I'm the victim.
You're an asshole!
Be that as it may...
...can we proceed?
Mr. Pelekoudas and I
had just completed...
...a business transaction.
At which point, Mr.Pelekoudas
attempted to forcibly exact a refund...
...when services had
already been rendered.
He tried to grab
his money back?
Yes! That's when she assaulted me.
You look unmarked...
...undamaged to me in any manner.
Oh, yeah?
Feast your eyes on this!
Exhibit "A"!
She bit me!
What about my feelings?
You want to know what
really steams my bean?
They let that strumpet
right back out on the street.
You're moving out of that building.
Why are you friends with that girl?
She's my neighbor!
She happens to be a very nice girl.
She's a harlot.
- Wait a minute--
- You stay out of it!
Let me tell you,
when you get married...
...you'll have to handle him
just the way I handled his father.
Damn potholes!
You all right, Rose?
If not for me, his father
would've done as he pleased.
You know what he wanted to do?
Make furniture.
By hand!
Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Koogle.
I straightened out Al...
...and together we'll all
straighten out Chuck.
You all right, Rose?
Hey! My bud!
I have to talk to you.
It's important.
Come on in.
How'd you get in?
This is a security building.
I'm going to have to
talk to that guy.
Way to go!
What are we really
talking about here?
What's the essence...
...of what we're talking about?
I'll spell it out for you
if I have to.
Prostitution!
Cut it out!
What is this?
Prostitution.
We can say it.
We're big kids now, right?
Sometimes it helps you understand
a word if you break it down.
So let's do that now.
Shall we?
PROS--
Doesn't mean anything.
Forget about that.
TIT. I think we all know
what that means.
TU-- Okay, TU.
And --TION, of course...
...from the Latin...
..."to shun."
To say, "No thank you, anyway.
I don't want it."
"To push away."
Doesn't even belong here.
Let's get rid of it.
You know...
...if I can take a moment here...
...and I mean this...
...what I'm about to say.
I feel a lot of love
in this room.
Maybe it's me, but I tell you,
it was here a minute ago.
And it was really beautiful.
So at this moment it's important
that I see all of your breasts.
Or I don't have to see your breasts.
Let's get out of here.
This guy's no pimp. He's a wimp!
Come on, you guys!
Give him a chance.
Is this a joke?
You're missing The Donahue Show.
I had you on the show.
Booked!
You've got to tell them.
Just tell them like you told me.
Get out of here.
Let's go.
We wasted enough time.
How would you ladies like to earn
10 times what you earn now?
I'm not kidding.
Ten times the amount of money
that you earn right now.
You want to use the blackboard?
You know, you're absolutely right.
We're not pimps.
If I understand it correctly...
...pimps make 70...
...80, 90 percent...
...of your money, right?
You work very hard for
that money, don't you?
Then please think of
William and myself...
...as business managers.
As agents, if you will.
We're only interested...
...in 10 percent of your money.
Ten percent?
Leave him alone. He's doing fine.
And ladies, I have a knack.
I can take money and I can
make it into more money.
- Oh, boy!
- More money?
Why shouldn't you have
the fruits of your labor?
Why should you be cheated and beaten?
Do you have a dental plan?
Do you have a health plan?
If you come with us, we'd like
to give you a sound foundation.
A financial foundation.
And if you don't come with us,
I understand.
Thank you very much for listening.
No! Wait a minute.
That was great!
What do you think?
You think this guy's legit?
Wait, these guys are snowing us!
You know that.
This is too easy.
You should've pushed a little more.
I did the best I could.
Okay, are we going to do this?
We're all yours!
You pushed just enough.
You--
Right up to it and then you laid back.
That's perfect.
We'll get to have
them all too, sexually.
How you doing? I am cooking like
Betty Crocker tonight!
I get any calls?
Lupe called.
She's finished with Mr. Culpepper.
She's now with Mr. Jergens.
Marlene just called.
She has a date with a young man.
She wants you to take her.
Good. I got a couple of minutes.
What are you doing?
We don't want our girls getting
beaten up by any of those bozos.
So if we run into them,
they'll see muscles.
- And these are them?
- Yeah. It's working, right?
Business is going great.
I suppose so.
So what's wrong?
Ever since we started this,
I have been ill.
I have headaches...
...stomachaches.
I get the chills.
My gums are bleeding.
And my hair keeps falling out
into the sink.
So?
Let me try to explain this to you.
As we sit here and idly chat...
...there are women...
...female human beings...
...rolling around in strange beds
with strange men...
...and we are making money from that.
Is this a great country or what?
Look at this.
This is hair.
This is hair that used to be
in my head. See?
The same thing happened when
I worked on Wall Street.
I had to wear a hat,
sitting at my desk.
This is Bill. Mission in life:
Make Chuck a man!
What am I now, a duck?
You're unbelievable.
You are something else, pal.
You are some kind of guy.
Impress the girls.
Corn dog.
Bill, I'm back!
William.
New guy!
Help!
New record!
I got it!
I could have done it!
He called me!
Now you've gone over the line!
Hold on a minute.
Get the chug-party goodies!
Go home!
Go home!
Remember that kid I took to the party?
This is his fraternity.
So what?
He's the greatest!
They can't have girls in the dorm.
So I brought them here, group rate.
They let me in the fraternity.
You've got to ask them to get out!
Please!
My brothers?!
- What's wrong with you?!
- Carboni will fire me! That's what!
It's college high jinks!
It's not high jinks.
Remember the pain in my gums and hair?
It's moved to my chest.
A young man shouldn't have
pains in his chest!
You got to learn how to live!
How to have fun! How to be a man!
Radical!
Let's get radical!
Come on, what the...?
Bummer! I am bummed right out!
Get out of here!
That's better.
I don't know about you people.
This is a morgue.
You're partying in a morgue.
You don't believe me?
Let's go take a look at
rigor mortis in room 12.
This'll bring you back to reality.
I want you all to see this.
So that's what it's like!
Jefferey pulled one down!
That very moment they all
jumped in the drawers.
Yeah, I heard.
You're not shocked by that?
How could people do it
in a morgue?
How could people do it
in the drawers?
- It's new.
- It's sick!
Everybody's looking for
a new way to do it.
A guy once took me up
in a helicopter.
Had me do it...
...with him...
...as we hovered over
his ex-wife's house.
Don't you ever fantasize different
ways you want to do it?
Once I'd like to do it
without checking the apartment first.
What?
Nothing.
- This is nice, huh?
- Nice.
Practically drives itself.
Can you turn down the music?
Can you turn the music down?
I can turn it down.
I can turn it up.
I can switch it from
the back to the front.
- I can make it reverberate. I--
- Can you turn it down?
Thank you.
Look at this dash.
Solid gold.
Look at this carpeting.
Fur.
- Check out these windows!
- Glass?
Glass. Yeah.
But we can see out
and nobody can see in.
Watch.
Watch, okay? Here we go.
Hey, you! Right here!
Right here, buddy!
Look at this!
We got teenage girls!
The place is full of broads in here!
Go! Roger!
Roger, officer!
Is this great or what?
You ought to get one, man.
This is great.
Everything's automatic too.
You can pop the trunk from here.
Don't have to move.
You should get one. What do you do
with all your money, anyway?
You know...
...I'd like to talk to you about that.
I have this feeling
something's very wrong.
We're this close from
getting caught.
Know what? It's my fault
you're the way you are.
I promised I'd show you around
and I haven't. It's my fault.
Listen.
Today it starts, all right?
Operation Chuck.
From now on we'll have some
Fun, fun, fun
Till her daddy takes her T-Bird away
All right?
When I'm done with you,
you'll be a walking Mardi Gras.
I won't even be able to control you.
You'll be an insane cowboy.
Come on, ladies.
Chuckie, dollface...
...I don't have to eat in dives
like this no more!
Come on, don't be snobs.
I used to be the pickle girl
here once.
Lupe used to be the pickle girl.
Lupe, you now own the pickles!
Say what?
Ladies, I'm pleased to announce
to each and everyone of you...
...that you are the proud owner
of this particular Burger Steak.
Remember, sign the contracts.
Sign them!
This is wonderful.
Thank you.
Somebody's taken over
Franklin's business...
...and we're not seeing
a damn dime of it.
All right!
Let me see if I can....
Can't you see we're talking?
We know Franklin's girls. We'll find
out who's running their action.
Then we'll bury him and put in
our own man, okay?
This guy's had enough.
And next time watch out
whose car you sit on!
Hi, you guys!
Come on over by the Christmas tree.
Come on.
Misters Chuckie and Bill...
...we have something to say to you...
...so I have been elected
the spokesperson.
You take us off the city streets...
...and give us nicer mens to meets
We have furs and jewels
and nicer dresses to wear
And we even go to Vidal Sassoon's
to fix up our hair
We move to nice apartment houses...
...instead of living
with the ratones and the mouses
Because of you...
...our joy is jumping
Because we at this party...
...instead of humping
Check this out, Jack!
Radical!
A new tape recorder!
I was going to get one.
But this one's better...
...because I didn't
have to pay for it.
Okay, Chuck, you're next.
I love presents.
Ladies, it's amazing.
You've hit upon the one thing
I've always wanted.
Wear it, baby.
Okay, there you go, Joe.
Okay, Pete, here's some wine.
So...
...my father told me...
...that I'd never amount
to anything, right?
Fathers get that way.
Yeah, well, he told me that
when I was four.
I'm serious. I know.
Then when I was 13...
...he left.
He's out of there. He's gone.
History. Right?
Told me and my mom we were
too ugly to look at.
In my case, he was wrong.
No, I mean, my mom....
My mom used to be real pretty.
You live with a lunatic
and it does things to you.
This is Bill.
Call your mom,
wish her a Merry Christmas.
This guy...
...doesn't have fun.
I'm going to teach this wild man
how to have fun right now.
We making loads of cash.
He doesn't spend any of his money.
I spent some.
On what?
Are you really interested
to see what I spent it on?
And a partridge in a pear tree
Are we getting out here?
Oh, wait! Wait!
Come on.
What is--
- This is what you bought?
- Chuck, wait!
A cemetery.
Wait a minute, will you?
You know what?
This might not be a bad idea.
Because you know...
...people got to die, right?
Why can't they just die for us?
We just sit back and rake it in.
Chuck and Bill's Cemetery.
This one's full.
Should've bought an empty one.
You wanted to see what I bought.
Your father?
He used to have the smallest stone
in the whole place.
Not anymore.
This is what you spent
your money on?
He's my dad.
It takes a while
for the heat to come up.
I know.
It'll be up by spring.
You know, my father's alive
and I don't buy him anything.
You're like a saint.
Because I bought my father
a headstone?
Saint Chuck.
Not just for that.
You're nice.
Decent.
You think I'm decent?
Remember the first time
you made me eggs in my apartment?
And you took off your robe?
My eyes had a heart attack.
And every time after that...
...it didn't matter
what you were wearing.
You could've worn
a suit of armor.
I got hot and crazy.
There's your Saint Chuck.
It's 30 degrees in here
and I am sweating.
I think we'll skip the coffee.
I'm sober.
I'm sober too.
And I have to talk to you.
- What about?
- About this.
You're a very good talker.
The zipper's on the side, honey.
I got it.
Want to know something funny?
I don't smoke.
Did you ever see the movie, Klute?
What?
The movie with Jane Fonda, Klute.
No, I don't think so.
She plays a call girl.
And she's with this guy,
you know?
A customer.
And they're doing it,
and she's screaming and moaning...
...as if it's, like,
the end of the world for her.
And then, right in the middle,
when the guy's not looking...
...she looks at her watch...
...and you just know it's an act.
I don't wear a watch.
Where you been?
We moved.
William, it's so nice to see you
At nine o'clock this evening
You're drunk from last night.
Drunk, yes. But not from wine.
Beer.
What is it with you? You're late!
It's been mayhem in here!
I got stiffs coming in,
I got girls going out.
Where's Belinda?
She hasn't checked in.
I would not count on Belinda
coming back to work.
What happened? Is she all right?
Did somebody rough her up?
Nobody roughed her up.
Will you put away your muscles?
Something happened last night.
Something passed between us.
Her life couldn't possibly be the same.
Sorry I'm late. Hi, Chuck!
Remember that guy, Schisselman?
He called and he wants to meet you.
He's nice.
What are you doing?
What do you mean, what's she doing?
She's working.
Is that true?
Really?
I have to earn a living, right?
You told me this morning
you weren't faking.
I wasn't faking.
Faking what?
Please, Bill.
Get out of town!
You two guys?
Can I please have
a conversation with her?
You haven't quit?
How can I quit?
Very simply. You open your mouth
and say, "Bill, Chuck...
...I quit."
Okay. And then what do I do?
No, I mean it!
Where do I go from there?
What happens to me?
What happens to you is....
I can't get over the fact
that you didn't quit.
Right!
I didn't quit!
Did you quit?
I'm not a whore!
No, you're a pimp!
Let's stop before we say
something we regret.
Shut up!
I need a ride.
I have to drive her.
Fine.
You'll be all right?
You know us pimps. Fine.
I need the car keys.
You got them?
Thank you. I got them.
- He didn't mean what he said.
- Yes, he did.
No, he's....
He's a strange guy.
He's not like you and me.
He probably thought...
...you two were in love.
So did I.
Look...
...you don't want to go up.
So I'll drive you home.
Wait. What about the trick?
I'll come back later, get him drunk,
take off his clothes.
In the morning,
he'll think you were there.
No problem.
City Morgue.
Somebody died?
Who cares?
Why'd you lock the door?
It's okay.
Sirs?
At least Franklin
paid off for two years.
Until he got stupid.
You never even sent us a nickel.
Not one nickel.
- I don't know--
- I don't, I don't know.
If you were up-front,
we could've worked it out.
But now it's too late.
We're angry.
We're insulted.
Besides, wouldn't be right to let
you live after we killed Franklin.
He was our friend.
I'd like to be your friend.
Please, God!
Let me be your friend--
Come on, let's get out of here.
If we bust one bozo,
we got to bust the whole place.
I hate Narcotics.
I wish they'd put us back on Vice.
Could I have the check, please?
Pretty good beat, huh?
Peachy.
I noticed you guys were...
...unencumbered by
female companionship.
So how'd you like to get...
...encumbered?
Okay, boys. Here we are.
I wonder why that door's locked.
In the morgue?
I know what you're thinking.
Don't worry about it.
It won't bother you if you don't think
about all those dead people.
Let me get my phone book.
It's got all my numbers in it.
I wonder where that book is.
Maybe my partner has it.
Follow me.
You're about to become
one of the Great Lakes. Open up.
I said, open up!
Get ready to fill him up.
This is to make some holes
so the water comes out.
Again locked.
What's going on?
Excuse me.
Hold it! Police!
You guys are police?
How could they be cops?
I should have asked for an ID.
Son of a bitch!
That's it!
Cool it! I quit!
You what?!
That's it, man!
Party's over, numb-nuts!
Man, you blew it!
Let me hit him one time!
It's all over, buddy.
Were you scared?
Were you?
Mostly dizzy.
I tell you, you were great!
Guys were shooting over you
and you just laid there.
You never complained once.
I admire that.
- I have a great respect--
- Take off the tape.
Look up here.
Turn sideways.
Other way.
Okay, leave!
Somebody have a comb,
so I can just get ready?
I wasn't ready for that.
Just turn sideways.
Leave.
Today!
You're good at this game.
Last one.
Best of three.
Even, shoot!
Great. Fair is fair.
We took a shot, right?
Can't hit a home run
unless you bat.
I wish I had a bat right now.
You had to bring the police?
That's gratitude.
If I didn't bring the police,
you'd be dead now.
So? I'd be better off.
I'd rather be dead.
You want to be dead?
Do you want to be dead?
You let me know
if you change your mind.
You'll be the first.
How you doing?
That's great.
You get me in jail here
with Peter Lorre's son.
"Oh, come on. We have to be pimps.
Let's be pimps."
We couldn't be doctors.
We were rolling there
for a while though.
Cash, clothes.
I'll tell you something.
You couldn't do
what we did in Russia.
You know? Seriously.
- Russian pimp--
- Would you do me a favor?
Just leave me alone.
There's room for one more.
I thought you were in Indiana.
My mom called.
And you flew all the way back here.
I thought for sure when you
found out what I was doing...
...you'd just hate me.
No, not you.
You came to be by my side.
You are one in a million.
Goodbye, Chuck.
Did you see that?
My fiance just spit on me.
And after you were deloused.
But she's right, you know.
I should be spit on.
He's got hair in his mouth.
What are you doing?
It looks bad in front
of the guys.
So what? What am I running for,
cell president?
They have that?
This is a nightmare.
You know what
the worst part about this is?
I'm guilty.
I am guilty.
You know what'll happen, don't you?
I'll lose my job.
My life is over.
Do you know...
...at this moment...
...I have sunk as low as I can go?
I was wrong.
Mimi, pay the cab driver, will you?
Move over!
With money!
No jail can hold us.
You got them out!
You bet your Puerto Rican ass I did!
Can't keep my men in there.
My life is over.
Stay with him.
Take him home.
Get him to the lawyer's on time.
Piece of cake!
We'll take you home,
we give you a nice bath.
Wait a minute.
I don't see Belinda here.
She don't want to come.
That's it!
Make him feel better.
You know what I mean.
Will this take long or what?
I have a tennis lesson
at one o'clock.
I already missed one
when we were in prison.
I see.
Can I get you anything?
All right.
- Lamb chops--
- I was thinking of something to drink.
Why don't we just get started?
Mr. Drollhauser...
...are we going to prison?
That's a good question.
I hardly think so.
You see boys,
this is an election year...
...and the party in power...
...let's just say...
...they find the whole
situation embarrassing.
Therefore, it would be in the
best interest of all concerned...
...if they just gave you boys
your jobs back...
...and forgot the whole thing.
I assume that's okay with you.
Mr. Drollhauser...
...that's the greatest thing
I ever heard!
Thank you very much.
That's fantastic!
Well, it's not okay with me!
We got them over the barrel.
As long as we do...
...I say get something out of it.
Can I talk to him alone please?
I have thought about this...
...for the entire time in jail.
And what I want is to go back...
...to my old life, the way it was
before this craziness.
I want...
...my old life back.
Please, Bill.
Please let me have my old life back.
If I did that, I'd never be able
to sleep with myself again.
We are holding the cards.
They're afraid of us.
You see the beauty here?
I say we go down there...
...and march into the mayor's office
and lay it on the line.
You want to?
It'll be fun.
It'll be great.
I'm wearing white!
Get away from the door!
Get away from the door!
You won't see the mayor!
You won't make any demands
or I'm going to kill you!
You'll play tennis...
...with God!
Are you going to change your mind?
Are you going to change your mind?
You got to keep that elbow stiff.
What's going on in there?
My God!
I could have you guys
executed for this!
Call maintenance!
Get them up here!
You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
- Are you okay, Mr. Chuckie?
- I'm calm.
I'm calm.
- I'm calm, I promise.
- Are you bleeding?
It's okay, girls.
You can let go.
Let me tell you something.
You listen to me, Mr. Idea Man.
I will go back to the morgue.
And I will put my life straight.
A life you ruined!
Everything that's bad
that happened to me, you did!
I don't want to see you anymore.
I don't want to hear from you anymore.
I don't even want to hear rumors
about you anymore.
Here's an idea:
Get a ticket on the first
space shuttle and get out of here.
Excuse me.
How are you?
What have you been doing?
You mean, since jail?
I'm back to work.
Yeah, me too.
I start a new job tonight.
Really, what are you doing?
It's the same thing I did before.
It's just in a different place.
Paradise Found, just off Sixth?
I've heard of it.
It's supposed to be real nice.
Look, I may not see you again.
I'm moving on Friday.
Condo.
Very good investment.
You don't want to be late
for your first day.
Where the fuck is 4K?
Excuse me!
I didn't know you was deaf!
4K!
I'm 4K.
Is that my dinner?
You do with it what you want.
It's five bucks.
I already added in my tip.
How thoughtful.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
There's mustard on this sandwich.
So?
So? It's egg salad.
Give me the sandwich!
Happy now?
I would like a whole new sandwich.
Listen to me.
- Listen!
- Take it easy.
Listen to me!
I will never again eat a sandwich
I did not order!
I am sick and tired
of being afraid.
Bad jobs, bad sandwiches,
neurotic girlfriends.
No longer for this man!
Do you understand?
You!
Go home!
And you!
Go clean off my door!
Excuse me.
I joined this club
a month ago...
...and have not received
my membership cards.
Could you please call the manager?
I'll find him myself.
Hey, sir!
Is everything all right, Mr. Tuttle?
Where's the goddamn towel boy?
I'm not coming out of
this pool naked!
Not with these parrots around!
Of course, Mr. Tuttle.
Towel boy!
Sorry.
Hi, Mr. Manetti.
Nice threads, very Miami Beach.
Mr. Tuttle would like a towel.
All right. Yes, sir.
Here you go.
Hey, Mr. Tuttle.
How you doing?
How's everything?
There you are, sir.
Got one.
Maybe you ought to take two.
I don't think one'll do it.
Less seen the better.
Excuse me, Mr. Tuttle.
Do you know Belinda Keaton?
No, I don't.
Listen, helium-head, how hard
is it to pass out towels?
It's a skill like anything else.
People pay $8,000 just to join
this club. They expect service.
Stop screwing around
or you're out of here.
- Beat it!
- All right... jackoff.
- What was that?
- It wasn't me. It was the birds.
Birds.
Why are you here?
Why are you here?
I'm looking for Belinda.
Is she working here?
Excuse me.
Don't go thinking I work here,
because I don't.
I own it.
I bought it this morning.
- Straighten that strap.
- Drop dead!
All right, you're fired!
Clean out your locker.
You're history.
Don't go up.
You'll get in trouble.
With who? You own the place.
I know. But I got partners!
Come on, these guys are tough!
I'm not kidding you.
These guys are built like Checker Cabs.
- Don't!
- Sorry.
- Don't go in there!
- Sorry.
I'm not letting you get--
Hey, we're in here!
What am I going to do?
You want a membership?
I'll get a commission--
Will you just stay out of my life?
You don't have to tell me
three times. I'm out!
Bud.
Can I buy you a drink?
I changed my mind.
I don't work--
I'll make it worth your while.
- I don't feel like it.
- The party's just starting!
- I really don't feel like it.
- Come on!
Am I glad I found you.
I got to talk to you.
- I saw her first!
- Actually, I saw her first.
Remember the argument we had?
- You were right.
- I was wrong!
- Are you done?
- No. Now, listen.
You were waiting for me
to say I love you...
...but I didn't have the guts!
I've got the guts now!
I love you too.
I'll show you how much.
Listen, slime,
you have three seconds...
...to take your hands off
this particular woman! One....
Hold on, Chuck, I'm coming, buddy!
Where's the manager?
You guys stay right here!
Are you all right?
Did you break anything?
I caught an updraft.
- Are you okay?
- Don't worry, I'm all right.
Fortunately, the ground
broke my fall.
Tell her what you were
going to tell her.
You love me?
I said it.
I didn't say it.
I love you.
Can we do that again?
Guys, my neck.
You got my neck a little bit.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm real happy for you.
Okay, piss-head!
You're fired!
That suits him just fine.
He's not a towel boy.
He's an idea man!
He couldn't find his asshole
with a funnel.
Never mind.
The guy's right.
- He's wrong!
- He's right.
I've never done one thing...
...I ever said I was going to do.
That is not true.
Remember when we first met?
You said,
"I'll make a man out of you."
Could I have done
all this without you?
Done all what?
You can't talk to
my very good friend...
...and the woman
that I love like that.
Now, look.
I know that you're a very powerful man.
I know that you could break my back
like a little toothpick.
There's only one question
I've got to ask.
Is that a gun under your jacket?
Fine.
Vice Squad!
It's a raid!
Vice Squad! Vice Squad!
Put some clothes on, idiot!
Don't touch the car, punk!
Wait, they're not coming!
We made it!
You were great!
You were kissing!
I'm cold!
You were fabulous!
Here you go.
Thanks.
Hey, Chuck, here you go:
microwave clothing. Listen to this!
You can stay warm
and bake a potato in your pants!
I think you can do better than that.
Baked potato.
I could kill for a baked potato.
Let's eat!