- Oh, sir?
- Professor Spats.
Is this the section of Manhattan
that is spoke of as the East Side?
The Lower East Side.
Is this then the National Wintergarden?
Oh! I pray God will not be spited
I'm so full of joy.
- God doesn't uphold with joy?
- Oh, no. With deprivation only.
Papa says...
Could I move inside?
I'd feel safer ever.
- Hey, Chick, did you take a bath today?
- Why, is there one missing?
When you were sitting there in the dark,
and you felt that man's hand on your knee,
then again on the top of your stocking,
why, why didn't you scream for help?
How did I know he was after my money?
- That was one of my father's jokes.
- What are you, one of your mother's?
Say, weren't you up before me
two weeks ago?
I don't know, Your Honor.
What time do you get up?
Hey, what's the matter with you?
You got no feeling?
I've been to Niagara Falls before.
And that is all to tell.
My name is Rachel Schpitendavel.
I come from Smoketown, Pennsylvania.
Our family's Amish,
my father's an elder in the church,
and I want to be dancer on the stage.
And so you ran away from home.
This morning.
All the way to New York on a train.
It was so early.
I sat by all the windows, 26 of them.
I'm alone in New York,
but I'm not frightened at all.
I'm not one bit frightened.
Nurse! Nurse! Two guys come in here
and the big guy had a gun!
Don't be silly, boy,
it's all in your imagination.
Now, you just lie right down.
And remember, if you should want
the doctor, just call for me!
What a charming personality.
Wouldn't you like to powder my back?
I pictured always how it would be,
but never did I dream
it could be so beautiful.
Later, I'll take you backstage
to meet Mr. Minsky.
But, Papa. Papa, you don't understand.
Burlesque is supposed to be a little frank.
It has to be,
because it makes fun of life.
But dirty? Papa, nobody in his right mind
can say that.
They say it.
Forty years in this country
and the entire relationship
between the police department
and the Minsky family
you could express in two sentences,
"Good morning, Mr. Policeman."
"How are you, Mr. Minsky?"
I like this relationship.
It didn't need improvements.
But, Papa,
this isn't exactly the police.
This is the New York Society
for the Suppression of Vice.
If it smells like an elephant,
if it looks like an elephant,
it's an elephant.
Papa, you don't understand!
- You want to order something?
- No, no, I'm not hungry.
Papa, the Society has this man,
Vance Fowler.
Night and day this lunatic, this moron,
hangs around the theater,
writing in a little notebook.
If he writes, he sees.
Where there's smoke, there's salmon.
Papa, Papa, that's not true, Papa.
I'll prove it to you.
Papa, for me, for me, for your son,
see the show today, Papa.
At least see the second act.
It's a wonderful show, Papa.
Your lease is up Monday.
I'm not renewing. That's final.
Papa, have a heart. You're turning
your own son out into the street.
Just because I wouldn't renew the lease
doesn't mean I wouldn't sell you
the building.
But, Papa, two-hundred thousand dollars!
A hundred and ninety.
For my son, I'll take back
a small second. Eat.
- Raymond, this is stupid.
- Come on.
- May I have your attention, please?
- Louder.
May I have your attention, please?
Announcing the presence in your midst
of America's number-one straight man,
top personality in burlesque,
the inimitable Raymond Paine!
Applause! Applause!
Thank you, friends, thank you!
And may I say your sincerity
is exceeded only by your vulgarity.
Hiya, Billy. Hello, Mr. Minsky.
Look, I pay you to be funny,
not nauseating. That was nauseating.
I'm sorry, Billy, but I just lost a bet.
Yeah. I beg him not to bet me.
He always loses.
- I do not!
- Of course you do.
- Look...
- All right, all right, never mind.
- Hand me that chair, will you?
- What chair?
That one. Hurry.
- There's no chair there.
- Of course there is. Don't be ridiculous.
Look, you say there's no chair there,
and I say there is.
Will you give me a buck if I'm wrong?
- You've got a bet!
- Okay, I'm wrong. See what I mean?
How many times did I tell you?
I don't like you coming across the street
in the middle of a performance.
Mr. Minsky, look,
we just finished "Crazy House"
and there's six and a half minutes to go
before "Two Gentlemen."
I don't care. Goodbye, goodbye!
I'm talking business with my father.
Yes, the renewal of the lease.
And I have come here to help you.
Some help.
Like a broken arm to a butcher!
Oh!
Very nicely put, "Oh!"
I wish I'd thought of that.
Trim Houlihan! My favorite patron!
Now, what would Minsky's Burlesque
be without you?
I ain't putting no money
into burlesque, Minsky.
Well, who said anything
about putting money...
I didn't say anything.
Did you hear me say...
Hey, the girls in the show,
they all good girls?
I mean, come on now,
they can't all be good girls.
Well, some yes and some no.
What do you say about 50 percent?
I mean, not more than half of them
can be good girls.
Look, Trim, I'm considering
taking in a full partner.
Now, you could buy in
for a measly two-hundred grand.
A hundred and ninety.
For you, your old man'll take back
a small second.
Besides, I ain't so sure
that burlesque is a good investment.
But Minsky's Burlesque is.
Look, Trim, would you invest in a swamp?
Would you? You wouldn't.
What if I called it Florida?
Hide your belly buttons,
it's the navel inspector!
Oh, is he here again?
Hey, I'm supposed to meet some
friends here,
I can't imagine what's keeping them.
- Scratch, how are you?
- Duffy, you old rascal.
Raymond Paine, how are you?
- Twenty years!
- Hooray! Good to see you.
Say, this is wonderful.
Together again, hey?
The old Deluxe Quartet.
- Hi, Spats.
- Hiya.
Rachel, this is Chick Williams.
Chick, this is Rachel...
- Schpitendavel.
- Yeah.
The most important thing in the world
is we're all together again.
I'm...
Hold it. There's somebody missing.
- You know who's missing? Chick Williams.
- Who?
Hey, Chick!
- I'm top banana here.
- That's what I used to be, top banana!
It's your cue.
They're waiting for you, Chick.
Look, I gotta go.
Can't take that long. Hey, Chick!
Chick Williams!
Where are you, you old limey?
Well, I'll tell you what, fellas.
I'll tell you what...
- Look, boys, he never looked better.
- Anything for a laugh, Chick?
- What were you doing back there?
- Oh, yes, sir, boys,
there's nothing more important
than friendship.
- Right!
- Right!
Camaraderie.
- You said it!
- You said it!
The most important thing in the world,
we're all together again.
The old Deluxe...
- Quartet!
- Quartet!
You can see it's a very efficient operation.
We make the scenery, sew the costumes...
Mr. Minsky. Mr. Minsky.
I am Vance Fowler, Secretary
to the New York Society for the...
Fowler, you're here more than I am.
Why do you always introduce yourself?
Believe me, you're unforgettable.
I find your sketches to be lewd
and several of the dance numbers
to contain suggestive movements.
Well, be specific.
I beg your pardon, miss.
You dropped your purse.
Oh, thank you.
And all my money's in here, too.
Well, to show you my appreciation,
you can meet me round the corner
in a half an hour.
Meet me round the corner
in a half an hour.
Meet me round the corner
in a half an hour.
Hey, fellas, did you hear what she said?
She said I could meet her
round the corner in a half an hour.
Well, for one thing,
the ladies all jiggle.
Well, they're girls.
They're supposed to jiggle.
- Where do they jiggle, Fowler?
- On the stage.
What parts of them jiggle on the stage?
Well, they... They jiggle their...
- You know perfectly well what parts!
- Yeah, but I like to hear the words.
Don't think I don't recognize you,
Trim Houlihan.
I see you on these premises
all the time,
ogling the dancers,
being titillated by their...
I wouldn't want you to miss
seeing the parts that titillate me most.
You were sixteen
- You were sixteen
- You were sixteen
My village queen
- My village queen
- My village queen
Excuse me, miss,
but you dropped your purse.
Oh, thank you.
And my money's all here, too.
To show you my appreciation,
you can meet me round the corner...
Jump on some thin ice, will you?
You, well, you're ruining me,
you know that?
A few more items, Mr. Minsky.
One more uncouth scene,
another vulgar gesture
and I'll have enough for a raid. A raid!
...in a half an hour!
Hey, fellas, did you hear what she said?
She said I could
meet her round the corner
in a half an hour.
Meet her round the corner
in a half an hour.
Meet her round the corner
in a half an hour.
- Better keep an eye on him.
- You were wonderful funny.
- Was I?
- Oh, Raymond.
- This is Miss Rachel...
- Schpitendavel.
- Schpit?
- ...endavel.
- From Smoketown, Pennsylvania.
- Come here for to be a dancer.
- "For to be a dancer"?
- I studied with Miss Hornsmeier.
- Harriet Hornsmeier?
- Oh, Harriet Hornsmeier, of course.
- I'm some handy for dancing.
- I'll bet.
Hey, what kind of dancing you handy for?
I dance stories from the Bible.
From the Bible?
It's a book civilians read on Sundays.
Raymond, am I funny-looking?
You know, I mean, well...
When I leave the room,
did a short, funny guy just walk out?
You met a girl.
Chick, my boy, when it comes to girls,
you have three qualities that are far
worse than being short and funny-looking.
You have the curse of the three "D"s.
You are decent, devoted and dependable.
Good qualities in a dog,
disastrous in a man.
Women like bastards.
- No wonder they love you!
- Yes. I'm a BFC. Bastard First Class.
Hey, Chick, come on down!
That's a hell of a place
to have a dressing room, isn't it?
It's disgraceful!
A man like you should have a suite!
From head to toe you're a gentleman
I don't care what they say
Mornings and evenings
impeccably dressed
Stains on your tie
match the soup on your vest
From stem to stern you're a gentleman
That's what drives the girls mad
Breeding and quality, touch of frivolity
You're a superior lad
Hold it!
- Hey, you can take this girl out tonight.
- Tonight?
Yeah. You can hug her and kiss her
and buy her a few drinks
and take her up to your apartment
and she'd show you a wonderful time.
But you're not going to!
And do you know why not?
- Why not?
- Because she's not good enough for you.
From head to toe you're a gentleman
See you later.
Men like you need the best
She seemed pretty good to me!
Clothing like yours
is a feast for the eyes
I could've had a bit of luck there!
Tailors grow pale
when they see you walk by
From nose to toes, hey, you're beautiful
Hollywood, here you come
Up on that movie screen
kissing that movie queen
Who's gonna know you're a bum?
Hey!
False.
False?
False.
False?
From head to toe I'm a gentleman
Where's my top hat and cane?
Women go crazy 'cause I'm hard to get
If they don't love me
they ain't met me yet
When I walk by like a gentleman
Everyone says, "Who's he?
"Look at that cane and hat
What an aristocrat
"Breeding and quality,
touch of frivolity"
I look around and it's me
Yes, sir, a real gentleman.
I can see you now, getting up in
the morning in your magnificent mansion.
- Magnificent mansion?
- Yes, and then you open your closet door
and get out your beautiful
white silk shirt.
- Beautiful white silk shirt?
- And then you open your closet door
and get out your beautiful
pearl-gray morning coat.
Pearl-gray morning coat!
And then you open your closet door
and get your ascot.
- I get my ascot?
- Yes, and then you tie it in a knot.
In a knot?
And then you stick it
with a diamond stick-pin.
I stick it?
Absolutely, and do you know why?
Because you are a gentleman.
Oh, it ain't worth it!
From head to toe I'm a masterpiece
You should hang in the Louvre
When I drink tea, now
I don't lick the spoon
And I always stick my pinky up
when I dunk my Lorna Doone
Well, it's plain to see
you're a gentleman
If I say it, it's true
Look in that looking glass
All you will see is class
I've got that certain style
Boy, it sticks out a mile
Man of propriety
Toast of society
- Regular gent through and through
- Regular gent through and through
Hey, tell me about the girl.
Oh, forget it. There was no girl.
What were you saying about Billy?
Billy's gonna lose the theater.
Vance Fowler's got him stopped.
We've gotta do something
about it, haven't we?
We'll all be out of work.
Places, everybody. First Act finale!
- Oh, he'll think of something.
- Oh, sure.
Hey, wait a minute.
- I think I got it.
- Got what?
The Fowler solution.
Fowler says he's gonna call a raid
if the show gets more suggestive.
So what if he thinks we got the hottest
little cooch artist in the world,
and he calls out the cops?
Well, think of it!
Vance Fowler all set to protect
the public from flagrant indecency
and out comes a kid
who dances stories from the Bible!
- They'd strangle the poor creep!
- Yeah!
- Another comic, maybe?
- Spats! Not that again!
Hey, Billy, don't go away.
I got a great idea! Hey, you, wait.
- That Bible dance you do, how does it go?
- Oh, very well, thank you.
No, I mean, what do you do?
- I do Eve in the Garden of Eden.
- No belly work in it, is there?
- Belly work?
- I didn't think so.
- Props?
- An apple and a snake.
Ask a simple question... Music?
Oh, The Barcarolle
from Tales of Hoffmann by Offenbach.
- Made in heaven. Don't go away.
- Oh, wait once.
Why should I not go away?
Because tonight at the midnight show,
you're dancing.
I'm dancing! Oh, my God!
And now, we take you back
to the good old USA!
Now, I'm authorized by the management
of the National Wintergarden Theater
to offer to each and every one
of our patrons,
a clientele that we know to be exact,
discerning, and not easily deceived,
an exotic assortment of genuine imported
chocolate bonbons
with the nuts inside,
the price of which,
were you to purchase it
outside the confines of this theater
would be 99 cents.
But we are offering it to you
for only 25 cents,
one quarter of a dollar.
But is that all?
No, sir, no, ma'am, it is not.
Because this is a three-part offer.
That's right, your ears did not
deceive you. I said, a three-part offer.
Now, I hear the man over here
say, "Impossible!"
No, sir, it is not impossible.
Although, I can understand
your world-weary cynicism.
Now, part one is
the exotic assortment of genuine imported
chocolate bonbons
with the nuts inside.
Also included in each and every package
are three 12-jewel Elgine men's
wristwatches with silver band attached,
valued at 16 dollars,
and three gold-filled ladies' wristwatches,
shaped in the form of a heart...
Minsky's gone too far this time, Fowler.
We've seen this girl rehearse.
She is a tinder-box, a red-hot tomato!
He's introducing her
in the midnight show.
Midnight?
Now, Mr. Minsky,
and the makers of the genuine imported
chocolate bonbons
with the nuts inside,
have included in each and every package
the book that made Paris blush,
Mademoiselle Fifi.
Yes, you've heard about this book,
and here it is.
Now, I will not dwell at length
on the contents of this book.
Suffice to say,
this book contains
12 detailed illustrations.
- Who is this girl?
- She's...
- Mademoiselle Fifi.
- Fifi?
- She's French?
- From gay Paris!
She drove a million Frenchmen wild!
And if you are of a curious nature,
and I assume you are, or else
you would not be here this afternoon,
may I suggest that you tear out
these illustrations
and hold them up before
an electric light bulb?
- Hold it up to the light.
- Yeah, come on.
- Look. That's it.
- Oh, my!
Move them slowly to and fro
and you will see what little Willie saw
at the picnic.
Need I say any more?
Take it away! No, give it back.
I mean, I may need it as evidence.
- If this woman puts one foot...
- You're not holding it up to the light.
Oh, no.
But please, I implore you,
and I must repeat that word,
I implore you,
do not remove the wrapper from this book
until you are at least 10 blocks
from the theater.
This is for your own safety. Now...
- How did she get here?
- Trim Houlihan. Trim smuggles aliens.
- No!
- Yes, you know that.
Yeah, everyone knows that.
And Fifi's Trim's girl.
All right, our sales representatives
are now passing among you.
Who will be the first person
who will win
the men's wristwatch,
the ladies' wristwatch,
the all-purpose pocket knife,
and the book they want to burn,
Mademoiselle Fifi?
All right, I see I have
a gentleman over here.
You, sir, would you stand up and tell us
what valuable prize you have won?
A genuine 12-jewel
Elgine men's wristwatch.
There it is. With silver band attached.
Mademoiselle Fifi.
If Mademoiselle Fifi puts one foot
on the stage tonight, we raid tonight!
Tonight!
Faster, please.
This is the best we got.
If you don't like it, go someplace else.
Selwyn, let me have
a double on an onion roll,
half brisket, half pastrami.
Pickles, sour tomatoes. No sauerkraut.
My stomach's acting up today.
Boy, am I nervous!
Selwyn, make the meat fatty,
the lean's too dry,
and coleslaw, if it's made today.
I got a call from the police.
Fowler's gonna have three squads
to the midnight show.
A little French fries with that, too.
Not too greasy.
Word's out all over town, all over town.
The press is starting to call.
This Fifi business better work,
that's all I gotta say, it better work.
Now, don't worry about it, Billy.
Chick's getting her set now.
Have you ever seen burlesque
before today?
- No.
- Well, it's...
Burlesque is... How can I explain it?
The reason it's called burlesque is...
Look, there's a bucket.
For putting water in? Not in burlesque.
Stairs, for climbing? No.
Oh!
Well, that's burlesque.
You know Paul Straw, don't you?
Got one line, right?
- Yeah.
- "No, no, I'm too young to die!"
- You know the sketch, right?
- Yes.
He's walking around all night long,
"No, no, I'm too young to die!"
"No, no, I'm too young to die!" Right?
Up and back! "No, no, I'm too young..."
During the sketch
he says, "No, no, I'm too old to live!"
How about some poker between shows?
That's a good idea.
Now? That's ridiculous.
This is the cinq--sept.
- The what?
- Cinq--sept. It's French.
It means 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p. m.
The time every respectable Frenchman
calls on his mistress.
- Since when do you have a mistress?
- I don't.
- Who ordered the herring?
- Me.
We're out.
For you, I'll stretch a sardine.
Hello, my name is Raymond Paine.
I've been sitting there with my friends
thinking about you,
and how very appealing you are.
Now, I know this is unconventional,
and perhaps you will chastise me for it,
but if I didn't stop to tell you
how exciting I found you,
you'd never know.
Isn't that true?
Isn't it? Yes, of course.
Now, we have two alternatives.
We can either obey convention,
in which case I would leave this minute
and you would never know
what qualities of beauty
and womanliness attracted me to you.
Or we can spend a little time together.
I have until 8:00.
And you will discover what it is about you
that inspired me to this.
What do you say?
Sir, you must be
this young lady's boyfriend.
Husband, then. I see.
Well, it's quite obvious I've been
making a pass at your wife,
and under the circumstances,
I'd be a fool to deny it, wouldn't I?
Of course I would.
On the other hand, I'm a fairly
acceptable male, as males go,
and the attention
that I've been paying your wife
is not altogether unflattering, is it?
Of course it isn't.
How proud and pleased you must be
to possess a woman
that a man of my caliber
could find so attractive.
I congratulate you, sir.
And I envy you both this experience.
- Lose something?
- Can I help you, my man?
By your leave,
I am looking for a young girl.
They all are, Mac. Take a walk.
Hey!
The comics dress in there.
The comics dress over there!
Will you stop feeding your face
for one second, Raymond?
This is serious.
She's from a farm, an Amish farm.
Those people live today just the same
as they did 100 years ago.
She told me that herself.
Fellas, listen, she trusts us.
This thing tonight will break her heart.
You tell them, Mae.
- You can see she ain't like us.
- Why?
When you cut us, do we not bleed?
When you shoot us...
Lay off it, Chick. She'll get over it.
What is it?
Nothing more than a practical joke.
Selwyn, bring me an order of bagel
and a cup of black!
Hey, the word's going around that I got me
a new little French babe.
This Mademoiselle Fifi.
You know anything about that?
Oh, now don't tell me
you don't know anything about that!
It was just a joke, Trim.
- I mean, there's nothing to it.
- Oh, sure.
Well, I just thought, as long as
I'm supposed to have a little Frenchy,
that I might as well enjoy
a little Frenchy.
You know what I mean?
He knows what I mean.
In the little room there is a machine,
and for a penny I found the really
true number how much I weigh.
Talk about your French accents!
Well, well, Trim Houlihan's the name.
I seen you backstage before.
There we are.
Could I order you anything?
We gotta get this kid outta here.
Hey, wait a minute. What's that?
- You said an order of bagel.
- That's an order of bagel?
- One bagel is an order of bagel?
- New policy.
Two bagels is an order of bagel
anywhere in town.
I don't care about anywhere in town.
Here you order another bagel,
you pay another nickel.
Send it back.
It's not a new policy, he's cheap.
If you're so cheap another bagel
will break your heart, take it back!
Well, that's a nice thing
to say to a person, "Cheap!"
- So you think I'm cheap?
- Yeah, cheap. You're cheap.
You call me cheap? I say you're stingy.
You think I care about a lousy bagel?
I'm a man from principle.
This is what I think of a bagel, here!
Principle? You think you got principle?
I'll show you something about principle!
You and your lousy bagel...
There you see that?
That's what a nickel means to me.
As a matter of fact,
that's what another nickel means to me!
Big shot! Man from principle!
Here, for your other nickel,
here's another bagel!
You got more principle than that.
- Wait a minute. I will have a dozen.
- A dozen?
That's right!
- And some onion rolls!
- Onion rolls!
- Hey, Fliegelmann, where are you?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
Wait. Now, that's funny.
A perfect fit! Here, I'll wrap it up.
No, Fliegelmann, this is my own jacket!
So? Well, what will it be?
Well, we're looking for something
in a prop snake.
Fifty-four inches is a nice length.
Just last week I had such a run on them.
Now, where are those snakes?
Here we are. It's a beauty.
- A real beauty.
- That's not 54 inches.
It's a short 54. Just one left, $6.
He's got one snake left, six bucks.
Great. Let's take it.
He can send it to the theater.
I think six is too much.
You're too high, Fliegelmann.
I will not pay it.
You tell him, Chick.
I get six for them all the time.
It's not worth more than four.
Down the street, I saw them for three.
- Well, so, go buy down the street.
- I would, but they're all out.
If I was all out,
you could have it for two.
- Here, I'll tell you what I'll do.
- What?
- Five.
- Four.
But look at the workmanship.
Ten days it takes to make such a snake.
Ten days!
It only took six days to make the world!
But look at the way this is made.
- Is that seam perfect?
- Seam's perfect.
And look at the world.
Fliegelmann, $4.50 and not a penny more.
You're cutting my heart out. Sold!
Done! Hey, did you hear...
Queen, deuce, ten,
king, nine, seven.
- Ace, queen, you're high, Scratch.
- Ace, queen, says a dime.
I'll see your dime and raise you a dime.
- Pass me.
- Fold.
- So, I'm lucky in love.
- Call.
Call and raise.
And let's keep the ribbon clerks out.
Queen, two, ten, king, nine, seven.
My, how warm and how small it is.
So small I have to go out in the hall
to change my mind.
Oh, no.
No room could match you in grandness.
So, small like this is perfect.
It's peculiar, my feelings.
I don't believe it's sinful,
using these worldly things.
This electric light.
And in the restaurant, alone,
there was water from the faucet.
And yet, I'm not so sure down inside.
Well, how could it be sinful?
Well, at home,
if something is not spoke of in the Bible,
like buttons on clothing even,
we don't uphold to have the use of it.
Well...
How could anyone with feelings like that
ever leave home?
Because there were other feelings also.
I would lie in bed at night
and think of the all the people
in the world.
Right then, that very minute,
doing joyful things in rooms with lights.
And the gramophone.
A thing turns round and there's music.
How are ya, how are ya?
Underneath Hawaiian skies
Land of many sad goodbyes
Where the rippling waters play
Whispering, "Why don't you stay?"
There beneath a coral moon
I heard someone croon this tune
This is the moment behind which I forget
every other moment that has passed.
Don't go away. There's one more.
Kickipoo, Kickipoo
You want me, me want you
Kickipoo, who will do
- Yes, who is it?
- This is the Acme Travel Agency.
I have your steamship tickets here, sir.
Steamship tickets?
- Hey, I'm not going anywhere.
- That's what you think.
Billy! Billy! Peskin says
the midnight show is sold out.
- And it's not even 9:00 yet.
- Did he save 50 seats for the press?
- I told him to save 50 seats.
- He saved. He saved.
Well, tell him to sell standing.
What are you doing here?
Chick's ready to go on
and Raymond didn't show yet.
Raymond didn't... Raymond didn't show!
Raymond didn't show!
Raymond didn't show up!
Today is my birthday.
It isn't legal, but I bought myself
a little birthday present.
Bootleg hooch.
Well, sir, happy birthday.
Hey, you! You with the baggy pants!
You with the bottle in your hand.
Are you aware that could be pure poison?
Give me my stuff, will you?
Raymond, what happened? Where you been?
Chick dropped a ton of water on me.
Got me soaking wet.
- Yeah, well, that's between you and him.
- You bet it is.
Look, we got a show to do here.
Let's go!
Never mind the make-up already.
Will you get out there?
Come on! Come on!
Leave me alone, will you, Billy?
I'll kill that little runt.
Just let me at him.
Good heavens, man!
That's the devil's brew you got there!
Play the Acme Travel Agency with me,
will you?
What are you doing?
Just celebrating my birthday!
- I'd do it again.
- We'll see about that.
That'll learn you.
Oh, Madeline! Madeline!
How'd you like that nut?
He is a nut, too.
You damn nut!
Well, well, well, if it ain't
the peacock of Second Avenue.
- Well, how are you, Mr. Peacock?
- You don't have to be so formal, Trim.
Just call me Peacock.
Hey, smart guy, you ran out on me
with that little Frenchy.
Well, wasn't nothing personal, Trim.
You wouldn't be here to lean on me,
would you?
Oh, now, I wouldn't want you
to leap to no concussions.
But you told this Fowler fella
that I had a little French babe.
I don't know why. Maybe I don't care.
But the thing is
that I don't like being used
without I should benefit.
So you lay off the little girl?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, sure he knows what I mean.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the Minsky Company
is proud to take you
on a trip around the world.
Hey!
I found something.
It's a new bit.
We'll make a whole routine out of it.
I say,
"You there, sir.
"You look like a gambling man.
I tell you what I'm gonna do."
Take a card.
- Come on. Take one, you'll love it.
- No.
And what gives with you anyway?
Look, you hosed me down,
I roughed you up.
We're even, okay?
Aw, come on, Chick.
Ten years we've been partners.
What do you wanna be like this for?
It's the girl, isn't it?
All right.
You want her, you can have her.
No, I mean it.
I'm giving you a clear field.
You don't believe me.
All right, I was gonna take her up
to the hotel room for another try
before the midnight show,
but I'll cancel it.
Tell her right now. Come on.
You can hear for yourself.
Come on, Chick.
- Your name's Trim Houlihan?
- Yeah.
Immigration Services.
Immigration? I ain't no immigrant.
No, but we have information
you're smuggling them.
What?
Here's a warrant signed by Vance Fowler.
You'd better come with us.
Hey, you can't...
Don't go away, Frenchy.
They can't hold me.
- All right then. Come on, let's go.
- Later.
- What do you mean, later? You told me...
- I know. I know. But later.
- After the show, when there's time.
- You dirty...
I wanna tell her some things about
you, give you the big buildup.
It's not like you don't need help,
you know.
That couldn't have been your first kiss.
The very first with a clean-shaven man.
- How was it?
- I thought of a melon with a slice out.
- You want to make love to me?
- How do you feel about it?
I feel to love is to wish
to give pleasure.
And you wish to give me pleasure?
Yes.
Yeah, well, we got about 36 minutes.
One thing I wish only.
- But then it is asking too much.
- What?
I dreamed that the first time, there
would be a sign to tell me it is right.
A sign?
From Him. A sign.
- The Lord moves in wondrous ways.
- Yeah, well...
Why do you wanna talk about
things like that?
We're not here to pray.
Look, I've heard of everything,
but a man and a woman
with normal desires
hanging around waiting for a sign.
- Did I say to wait? Did I?
- No.
But you got that stained glass
look in your eye.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Raymond.
The sign.
Rachel Elizabeth Schpitendavel.
- This is your father.
- Can it, Chick. We've had that bit.
- But that is my father.
- It is?
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Rachel Elizabeth.
Shame.
For shame!
A hotel?
I read the Bible, Papa.
It does not say "yea"
nor "nay" to hotels.
How did you come to this room?
By the elevator, Papa, like you.
And this dress, how did you come by it?
I made it at home in the summer house,
just for pretty.
What has come at you ever?
Why did you come here?
For to be a dancing girl, Papa.
We do not uphold to dancing.
But it is in the Bible, dancing.
"Honor thy father"
first is in the Bible.
You shame me, daughter.
Before God, you shame me.
Is it but you who have the ear
to God only, Papa?
Or do you hide behind his name
to kill the joy of life?
I do what he gives it in my hand to do.
- We are going home now, Rachel.
- Oh, no. No, Papa. Raymond!
Oh.
Well, hello. I'm with the hotel.
This young lady complained of mice.
And I was setting a trap in here
when a sudden draft came along
and shut the door.
Now, I've been afraid of the dark
since I was a little tyke,
so I must have fainted, that's why I...
No, actually...
Actually, I just dropped by to help
this young lady fix the plumbing,
and I must have fallen asleep
under the sink
and she mistook me for a carpet sweeper
and put me away in the closet.
Would you believe it?
No, no, no. The absolute truth.
I was up here visiting your daughter,
having a harmless little chat,
and I design closets in my spare time.
No, no, look, Mister...
Spit...
At 1:05, two hours and 15 minutes yet,
from Pennsylvania station,
it gives a train to Smoketown.
It is the only train,
and I will be on it.
As God is my witness,
I will have with me a daughter
on that train tonight,
or I will have no daughter ever.
He didn't mean it.
You don't know Papa.
But he couldn't.
I mean, you could take a train
in the morning
and you'll be home tomorrow.
No. You don't know Papa.
But then, tonight,
after the midnight show,
I'm going to have a new life.
A dancer I'll be, for one thing.
For another, there is you.
Well, we've got about 17 minutes now.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Let's get going. We're doing
a midnight show. Move it! Move it!
Come on. The midnight show's started.
Where is Raymond?
Hurry! Anybody seen Raymond Paine?
I have a secret recipe
Concocted with much skill
And once you've tried my special dish
You'll never get your fill
Take ten terrific girls
But only nine costumes
And you're cooking up something grand
Mix in some amber lights
And elegant scenery
Then stir in a fine jazz band
Then add some funny men
And pepper with laughter
It's tart and tasty, I know
Then serve it piping hot
And what have you got?
A burlesque show
Take ten terrific girls
But only nine costumes
And you're cooking up something grand
Yes, sirree, friends, Minsky presents
ten delightful dishes
on the illuminated runway of joy.
Meet Billie Rose Carson,
the girl with the million dollar smile.
A fine jazz band
Chubby Drysdale, our petite little ingnue
with those two twinkly eyes.
It's tart and tasty, I know
The lovely Eva La Monte,
the little girl who wants to know,
is it a sin to be so friendly?
A burlesque show
Serve it piping hot
And what have you got?
A burlesque
A Minsky burlesque show
Where's Raymond Paine?
I don't see Raymond Paine.
Raymond Paine. Where's Raymond Paine?
Look, she's at the hotel sleeping.
I told her even Isadora Duncan naps
before a performance.
Just see she's at Penn Station by 1:05.
But that's the time she expects to be
on the stage, in the second act.
I know. You gotta think fast.
I mean, keep her amused.
Try the subway, the Staten Island Ferry.
I don't understand it.
You're actually trying to save her.
- You, Raymond Paine?
- Look. You're gonna need a fin.
You couldn't lay it out for me,
could you, Spats?
You know me, Raymond.
I'd have to negotiate a loan
to weigh myself.
I was a rich man. I was on Wall Street.
I had a castle on the Hudson.
I had one in Spain.
I had a chauffeured limousine.
And then one day,
I took a tiny nip of whiskey
before going to the office...
A tiny nip of whiskey
before going to the office,
and it befuddled my thinking powers.
And I made a bad business decision.
Hey!
Hey, fella!
What do you mean, she wasn't there?
The clerk said she left
with Trim Houlihan.
The immigration people were looking
for her, too.
Raymond, for heaven's sake,
the man's dying out there!
I can do Raymond's part.
I can do Raymond's part.
Would you care to have a drink with me?
I was only trying to be friendly.
In any case, you are not allowed
on this stage!
Raymond, I beg of you.
With that audience out there,
don't do this.
Look, I gotta get Rachel to Penn Station.
Find yourself another Fifi!
I gotta find another Fifi anyway.
With that uptown crowd out there,
I need a dancer.
But, Raymond, don't you leave me!
Raymond!
Come on, girls. Powder My Back's cut.
We don't have...
Yes? What is it, Greta?
A Mr. Schpitendavel to see you.
From Pennsylvania.
Louis Minsky, thou art father
to the Minsky what has the theater?
- Yes.
- If I were thee,
I would thrash thy son to within
an inch of his life.
You are not me, and you may still do it,
with my permission.
I want my daughter, Louis Minsky.
You see your daughter here?
Under the table, maybe?
At the theater, she works in burlesque.
Burlesque!
- It is profane, a sin.
- Yes.
- You agree?
- Yes.
But it is your son
what has this burlesque.
Yes.
So calm thou art.
What kind of a father art thou,
Louis Minsky?
I will tell you this,
Mr. Schpitendavel from Pennsylvania.
I am not a father who would let his
daughter work for Minsky's Burlesque.
- You may use the same door out.
- No, no.
I need your help, Louis Minsky.
My daughter will not be welcome
in my home if she stays the night
to dance upon your son's stage.
There is a train in 51 minutes.
You must tell your son
to see she is on it.
You see this chair? Tell it to dance.
See if it listens.
That's how much my Billy listens to me.
You a religious man?
So let's do the best we know
and pray for your daughter and my son.
I do not know, Louis Minsky,
if we pray to the same God.
We must.
Only a God who could tolerate me
could possibly tolerate you.
- Yeah?
- Open up, I gotta see Trim Houlihan.
Nobody by that name here.
This is a boarding school.
Come on! Come on! Open up!
I know Houlihan runs a speak back there.
Come on! Come on! Open up!
I know he's in there. Come on!
Paine's golden rule?
If you can't do unto others
between the shows,
do unto them during the show,
right, pal?
Wrong, pal,
I came to take her to her father.
You're a liar.
You know what you're gonna do?
You're gonna beat the hell out of me.
But on the way, I'm gonna knock some of
your teeth so far down your throat...
Damn you, you know that I do
No headaches, no heartaches
since you went away
Nobody was better at turning me gray
You left me singing the blues
But now I'm dancing
the Charleston nightly
So thanks a lot
I hope you got measles, you rat, you
Don't come crawling back
'Cause now it's a whole new ball game
And if you're hoping I'll let you return
If you imagine for you I still yearn
If you think I miss your stupid old kiss
Damn you, you know that I
Damn you, you know that I
Damn you, you know that I
Hey, now, Chick, you got it all wrong.
Come on, Chick!
- When did I ever lie to you, buddy?
- Gentlemen.
Hey, where's Rachel?
She's gotta make a train.
Oh, no. Little Frenchy stays with me.
I'm taking her down to the theater
to make her debut,
and then it's back to my place.
You got it?
No, you got it!
- You really do care for her, don't you?
- Of course I do, you jerk!
Hey, let's get that big guy.
Here we go, pal. You first.
Mr. Minsky?
- Put on your hat.
- Are you Mr. Minsky?
We are praying.
I have to speak to Mr. Minsky.
Cover your head.
- Well, the girl took my hat.
- Quiet!
Yes, sir.
All right. What is so important
you must interrupt prayers?
I am Vance Fowler, Secretary for
the Society for the Suppression of Vice.
Here is your official notification of our
intention to raid Minsky's Burlesque.
- Raid? You said raid?
- Yes. In approximately 22 minutes.
We are required to notify the owner
of the theater as well as the manager.
You are entitled to be warned that if
certain violations are allowed to occur,
in this case, if a certain new dancer
steps onto that stage...
- New dancer?
- Mademoiselle Fifi.
- Mademoiselle Fifi?
- You are repeating me, sir.
If Mademoiselle Fifi dares to do the dance
that drove a thousand Frenchmen wild...
The dance that drove
a thousand Frenchmen wild?
You're doing it again, sir.
Louis Minsky, if you
do not now go at once
to prevent thy son from bringing
my daughter to such ignominy,
I shall, as Agnon did,
raise the finger of righteousness
to call down the wrath of the heavens.
My father, an Episcopal vestryman,
used this as the finger of righteousness.
Bah! And again bah!
There is no finger of righteousness.
This is the finger of cleanliness.
This is the finger of marital bliss.
This is the finger of vengeance.
This is the finger of meddling in other
people's lives.
And this is the finger of transportation.
It will get us a taxi to the theater.
You speak with
the fist of authority, gentlemen,
but you don't know your fingers.
- Billy, this is degrading.
- What a night.
That uptown crowd in there and my comic
and straight man are missing. Wonderful.
Billy, I can fill in for them.
That audience in there remembers me.
Spats, do me a favor.
Tonight, just tonight,
will you leave me alone?
There they are!
You got any idea what's been...
What happened?
- We got a midnight show to do.
- What the hell do you think we're here for?
- Where's Rachel?
- Forget Rachel.
I got another Mademoiselle Fifi.
- Who?
- Mae Harris is doing it.
Morty! Morty, get me Mae Harris.
Let me see how she looks.
Trim's got Rachel.
Will you get dressed for "Crazy House"?
One sketch maybe you can do tonight.
And now the Minsky Company is
proud to take you on a trip
around the world.
Feebus, Garrity...
- Hold it!
- Don't tell me to hold it.
Now listen. When I blow this whistle
two times, tweet, tweet, like that,
you will proceed with the raid
and you arrest Mademoiselle Fifi
and Minsky. Is that clear?
- Oh, yes, sir!
- Oh, yes, sir!
- Beggars can't be choosers!
- I feel like a bad painting.
- What do you want me to do in this outfit?
- Dance.
Dance like you drove
a million Frenchmen wild.
Is that all?
Mr. Minsky, am I late?
Oh!
Mr. Houlihan said his sister wouldn't mind
me wearing it, and the dress, too.
Sister?
Well, it was just a lot of stuff
she had laying around.
- You'd better jump into your costume.
- That won't be necessary.
Mae Harris, you're on after "Crazy
House. " Let's go, Mademoiselle Fifi!
Here we are.
Mademoiselle Fifi?
- What kind of a joint is this?
- Why, this is an asylum.
- Oh, no!
- Don't be silly, sir.
Crazy people can't hurt you.
No, but they can make you hurt yourself.
But why, Mr. Minsky?
I was to be Mademoiselle Fifi.
Yeah, I know, I know.
But, look, Mae's in your costume already.
Look, I need this like a wart, anyway.
Billy's right, Mae.
You're wearing the costume. You go on.
What're you doing? You're in that sketch.
Will you get dressed?
- Wait a minute...
- There's a show going on.
Rachel!
- Raymond, what happened?
- Never mind.
Look, it's all been a big mistake.
The most important thing is
you can still make that train.
But my dance! My new life.
- Yeah, well. That's the way it goes...
- No, wait.
So sudden, everything is all strange.
Why, Raymond?
- Hey, you!
- Yeah?
- What did you say?
- I said...
Nurse! Nurse!
All right. All right.
It's all in your imagination.
All right. All right.
- Which one is Mademoiselle Fifi?
- She is.
- You will.
- I won't.
- You will.
- I won't.
Take that.
Nurse! Nurse!
Just let me explain!
Trim, listen to me.
- Would you like to have your palm read?
- I would love to have my palm read.
Nurse! Nurse!
Shut up!
Lie down and remember,
if you should need the doctor...
Trim, it was all a plan to trick Fowler.
He thought he was gonna raid this Fifi,
the real one.
And we were gonna send this one
out on stage.
Well, she's a kid.
She dances stories from the Bible.
Like that we were gonna embarrass
Fowler and have him run out of town.
I didn't wanna send her out on stage.
She can't dance. She's not talented.
Raymond tricked her.
Told her that if she came in here,
she'd be able to go out on stage.
I mean, she's nothing.
It was all just a big joke.
Ha-ha.
Jezebel!
It has come now to this!
Papa, please.
I will burst to hear more just now.
Look at thee.
Born and grown where none uphold
to dressing worldly.
And look at thee.
Look at thee.
You have been sentenced
to be shot at 6 a. m.
Whore!
To stand there so prideful
with thy protuberances.
How thou dost shame me.
Company, ready, aim...
Fire!
Mae, the sketch is over. Get out there!
No!
You heard my father. I'm a whore.
Mr. Minsky, I am Mademoiselle Fifi.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the pice de rsistance,
direct from Paris, France...
And about the protuberances, Papa,
I think the Lord might feel different
from you,
since he's the one gave me them.
...the only, the incomparable
Mademoiselle Fifi!
Come on, Fifi, do something.
She don't have to do nothing
but stand there.
As one gentleman to another,
I regret having to take this action.
Spare me the regrets, Mr. Righteousness.
I wasn't renewing the lease, so burlesque
was finished here next week anyway.
But then this raid will have no purpose.
I know.
Have a good time.
Hey, Fifi, give us one on this side.
Yeah, Fifi, give them one over there.
Over here. Give us some over here.
We can't see a thing!
Over here, Fifi! Over here!
Hey, Fifi, don't tell us
that's what you did in Paris!
Don't stop there, Fifi.
Show us some more.
Come on! Let's see some more!
Let's see some more!
Yeah, take something off!
More!
More!
- More?
- More!
- More?
- More!
Come on, Fifi.
Come on! Let's see some more!
Let's see some more!
- More!
- More!
Where's Ray?
More!
Where's Raymond?
Atta girl, Fifi! Let her rip!
Let's see some more!
Let's see some more!
Raymond!
Mr. Minsky, by the authority vested in me
by the City of New York,
I am placing you
and Miss Fifi under arrest.
Gentlemen, take them away.
Hey, Mr. Fowler, if you're taking them in,
why don't you take us in, too?
- Yeah!
- That's right! Take us all!
But you haven't broken any law.
Oh.
Take them all in.
The whole troupe, everybody.
I want every one of them, you hear me?
Everybody!
Many other ladies I have lied to
Many were my happy nights and yet
The night they raided Minsky's
Is the night I can't forget
Now I'm very old with just my memories
Now my biggest thrills is cigarette
But the night they raided Minsky's
But the night they raided Minsky's
But the night they raided Minsky's
Is the night I can't forget