THE NINTH CONFIGURATION
Aborting the launch.
Aborting the launch.
There is nothing up there!
Nothing, nothing!
Somebody's coming.
Good morning, you fucking Venusians!
You wanna fight me? I'll fight you!
May Day, May day,
Sink the Bismarck!
I'm coming down.
Look out..this looks like a job for superman...
Damn you Mayor Nammack,
get a move on! Move on! Move on you weirdos!
You know I wish you'd douche; sincerely.
Watch your elbow.
Hey mom, could I have a quarter for the movies please?
Damned sun, there is no color in the air.
- What country is this?
- The Bronx.
Attention!
Hail Caesar!
Towards the end of the war in Vietnam
an unusually high percentage...
... of american servicemen suddenly manifested symptoms of psychosis.
Most of them were in combat...
... and had no prior history of mental disturbance.
These facts,
plus the epidemic scope of the problem
and the controversial nature of the vietnam war...
...led american authorities to wonder whether many...
... if not most of the men, were faking.
To probe the mystery,
the government established a network of
secret study centres and clinics.
The last of these
No. 18 was highly experimental in nature...
... set up in an old abandoned castle in Pacific NorthWest in United States.
Among these inmates was an astronaut,
who during final countdown
had aborted the mission into outer space.
Robert Browning had the clap,
and he caught it from Charlotte
and Emily Bronte.
- Shut your mouth, you crazy bastard!
- You don't want to hear the truth.
- He caught it from both of them...
- Shut up!
Fucking weirdos.
Yellow smartass college pricks...
- that says it.
Who do you think you're kidding, huh?
Well bad news boys.
Tough shit.
Well, guess who's coming to take command next week?
Can you guess boys, huh?
A psychiatrist!
The best. The best in uniform!
The greatest fucking psychiatrist since Jung!
Guessing you're good at,
you slimy snakes...
- Bravo.
- Good image.
- Splendid, Groper.
- Just one more thing sir.
What?
Stick a pineapple up your ass
and pretend you're Hawaiian.
-Jesus..
Dammit! Who the hell is coming?
Vincent, vincent...
Vincent!
- Sorry, sir.
- Yes, its alright.
I confess that I love you...
... tell me will you love me too.
I confess that I need you...
Oh yes, I do.
- ... need you every morning.
- Shut up!
What's that in your hand?
A fog horn...chinese junks have
been reported in the area.
Cutshaw, get back in the line.
- Fall in!
- You're supposed to be nice to us, Groper.
Here comes the psychiatrist, Groper..
time to clean up your act!
Yeah, call us pricks now, Groper.
Go ahead.
Hey, lets hear it for the shrink!
Let's have a song "You are my sunshine."
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...
... you make me happy,
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you....
Please don't take my sunshine away".
- Boys, would you knock this off.
- Fuck you.
Its very pretty.
Famous lines from famous movies!
"Oh Frankie, your mother forgives me!"
Victor McLaglen in "The Informer"
"We don't need no stinking badges"
"The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
Thank you, sargeant.
- Take care.
- Goodbye, sir.
Goodbye.
He's done it again...
My jacket, my shirt and my pants...
Sir.
Boys, come to attention.
You've go to say "Simon says"
then we'll do it...
Play therapy. What a fine thought!
- Poor bastards.
- Simon says fall in!
You're a psychiatrist, aren't you?
Kane...
Yeah, I thought so. I'm Fromme,
I'm a medical officer.
Sure as glad you're best.
I can use all the help I can possibly get.
- Cutshaw!
- Fuck you.
Just answer: "Present".
They're really far gone.
Perhaps...
Perhaps?
What do you mean? You're following
some crazy new school of psychiatry?
These guys are nuttier than a wagon-load of pralines.
Fromme, where is Fromme?
- Would you please direct me to my quarters?
- What?
- My quarters, would you please direct me to my quarters?
- Sure; just follow the yellow brick road.
- I beg your pardon?
- I said follow... here they are.
Sargeant Krebs and Christian, Sir.
And bloody damn well about time...
Will you get this man into surgery?
Or you are planning to just let him
stand here while you and your buddies play soldier?!
For chrissake, what is this?
A hospital or a nuthouse?
No, no!
Not the stethoscope!
Don't let him wrinkle the pants.
I'm colonel Richard Fell,
I'm the medic.
Really...
Boys, aren't you being a little dick silly?
Vincent?
Could I have it again please?
You remind me of Vincent Van Gogh...
Either that.... or a lark in a wheat field.
I'm not sure which.
- Have you been drinking?
- Never in uniform, no.
I see.
That's my last pair of pants he's got there, you see.
All the rest of them are at the cleaners.
and Colonel, if you're planning on
my holding this salute much longer,
would you mind calling the Memorial hospital and telling
the donor arm is ready for the transplant?
I expect it to be falling off almost any second now.
Thank you, sir.
You're a prince of the realm, I swear it.
Attention!
Shut your fucking mouths.
Firmes!
Listen, I know my rights.
I want to see my urologist.
Hail Caesar!
Sir, I present the group.
Jesus Christ...
Dismissed.
Ok, set the cards.
Anything wild?
Douches, 3s, 5s, 7s, 9s and Jack.
You are a very sick man.
Are you finished?
- Most people cut them only once.
- 13 is my lucky number.
Yup, I know what you mean.
It was Amy Biltmore's place.
She had it brought over here from Germany
in 1900, stone by stone...
It belonged to her husband, Count of Eltz.
What's the matter? You don't like it?
Its hardly therapuetic.
Yeah, Exactly what Dracula said about it.
But its hidden away in the spring, the Biltmores not brought him for nothing.
Wish I hadn't said that...
- You remind me of someone.
- Who?
I don't know.
But you seem so familiar to me.
Dracula said that too. You see,
when he sees a neck, he'll say anything.
- I guess it will come to me.
- What?
Who you remind me of...
Oh, didn't you say -
- I hid it goddammit, I hid it.
Where did you find -
- Groper.
But sir, he's been pounding that...
I don't care what he's being doing,
You're not to put your hands on him.
But colonel, he can't...!
Yes sir.
Right, sir.
Whatever you say, sir.
- You're Capitn Fairbanks?
- Not today.
I'm sorry?
I'm sure you were...
Not today, do you understand me?
Multiple personality.
- My house has many mansions.
- Yes.
I am Dr. Franz VonPaulie.
Why did you do that to the wall?
Because I am convinced that
we can walk through walls.
Not only me...
Anyone.
Cops, people.
People in Nashville.
I tried to exert the full force of my mind
on all the atoms of my body,
So that they will mix, rearrange and
fit exactly all the holes in that wall.
Then I tried the laboratory method...
I tried to walk through it...
through the wall...
Just like a few minutes ago
when I took a running bash,
and I failed horribly.
I am punishing the atoms.
I am making an example of them...
An object lesson, a thing...
... so when the other atoms see what's coming,
they'll let me pass through.
Independent snots!
Shape up of ship out!
- May I?
- No.
Your grip is very very strong.
I think, that your problem lies
in the properties of the hammer.
Interesting theory...
May I keep it for study?
You're not gonna play with it or anything?
No I won't.
Ok, good night.
Good night, Captain Fairbanks.
Yeah I know,
I had to kill a fifth of scotch
just to get to sleep.
No..no I don't believe in pills.
Sleeping pills keep you awake anyway.
Why should I have to explain that?
Its self-explanatory.
You want me to explain it? Alright...
In a very short time,
you build up tolerance, right?
That's right? You got it.
Anyway..he's here.
Yeah, yesterday.
No, I don't know.
Its too soon to tell.
Yes, I will.
Yes, I will.
Thank you, sir. Goodbye.
Jesus.
Don't blame me,
I told them not to operate.
Welcome to Transylvania.
Do you plan to get dressed?
How the hell can I get dressed when
Lieutinant Fromme won't surrender my pants?
- You don't want me to rip them off!
- No.
You bet your ass it will wrinkle your pants.
Here you go.
Case histories on the men.
I've been through them all,
and have learnt nothing.
I think this boar was a diabetic.
May I come in?
- Oh, heck.
- Thats yours.
So thats your couch...
Why don't you make it better nailed..
so that we can all see the blood pouring out?
- Cutshaw, the astronaut.
- I would say yes.
God of mine...
You are the new boy, huh?
I'm Colonel Hudson Kane.
- Do I call you Hud?
- Try calling him Colonel.
Are you the one that makes the chicken?
Coronel Kane's a psychiatrist.
Sure...
And they told me you were a doctor.
This man treats crocodiles for acne!
Why make my point?
Pack up and leave, Hud.
You're on the way out.
I'm acting on orders, so to inform.
Who ordered you, Cutshaw?
Unseen forces far too numerous to enumerate.
Check the file;
Its all in the file...
Here it is.
Now read it, Hud.
Read it out loud.Its my therapy
Why don't we-
Read it! Or I will go crazy, dammit!
I swear it!
And you will be responsible.
Alright, Cutshaw.
Please sit down.
I think the end of the world just came...
... for the bag of Fritos in my pocket.
Would you please tell Fromme I'd like my pants?
Consider the lilies of the field.
I'm waiting...
Two days prior to a scheduled space shot,
subject officer, while dining on the base,
was observed to pick up a plastic ketchup bottle...
squeeze a thin red line across his throat,
and then to stagger and fall
very heavily across the table...
...then being occupied by the director
of the National Space Administration,
gurgling...
"Don't-order-the-swordfish"
You're looking at my medal, Hud.
Stop looking at my medal.
- No, I'm not...
- Yes, you were.
You covet it!
On the following morning...
- Isn't it beautiful?
- Yes, it's...
Son of a bitch! I knew it.
You were looking at it.
- Sorry.
- Sorry? What good is 'sorry'?
I'm a nervous wreck.
Christ, how can I sleep now?
waiting for a covetous kleptomaniacal
colonel...
.. to come creeping around to my bedside...
... to rip away my medal!
If I were to do that, you might awaken.
Like hell I'll awake.
Powerful drugs could be
insinuated into my soup.
The following morning...
Covety is a sin.
The following morning at 0500...
Subject officer entered the space craft,
and upon recieving instruction from
Control to begin his countdown...
... he was heard instead to say:
"I am frankly sick of being used"
Sometime later,
subject officer plainly stated that:
"Going the moon was naughty, impolite...
... uncouth, and in any case...
... bad for his skin"
- What's the matter? You think that's funny?
- No no, no I don't.
Pack up and leave, Hud.
I've had it!
Cutshaw,
why won't you go to the moon?
Why do camels have humps... and cobras, none?
Why won't you go?
The man in the moon tried to fuck my sister.
- Cutshaw...
- The truth of the matter, is that Custer...
... called Sitting Bull a spic.
Reasons are dangerous.
What the hell is this?
"How I believe" by Teilhard?
Show me a catholic,
and I'll show you a junkie.
Dr. Fell.
Once again that fiendish man has
given me that horrible Mark of Fairbanks.
Look, I am Bleeding.
This wound's not self-inflicted?
Mi coronelito...
You are not well.
- No, I'm fine.Thank you.
- Your coloring...
... is absolutely bilious.
Kane, look out!
I want your name, batch number and
name of every other boar in your group.
You have the right to remain silent.
No a Portrait of Jenny, perhaps..
but atleast, no more Dorian Gray!
Ciao!
I know you want to be an artist.
Okay, I'm absolutely ready for my
ink-blot test now. I absolutely flips me!
Now, while you're fresh with
all those roses in your cheeks...
- Cutshaw...
- He's a psychiatrist!
"My god Rick, help me!"
Casablanca.
Alright Cutshaw, please sit down.
What do you see?
An old woman in funny clothes blowing
poisoned darts at a buffalo.
Bison.
I'm waiting.
My whole life rushing past me in an instant.
- This one?
- Kafka talking to a bedbug.
Correct.
- You're full of shit. You know that?
- I thought it was Kafka.
You wouldn't know Kafka
from Betty Davis.
And you, you're a mental case.
- Yes, maybe I am.
- Ingratiating bastard.
Do you always play kiss-ass
with the loonies?
- No.
- I like you Kane, You're regular.
Take the medal,
I'll take this book.
What book?
"I Remember Mamma"
by Oedipus Rex.
- May I go?
- You're gone, you're gone...
- Saint Christopher.
- Protect us.
- There's something engraved on the back of it.
- Ora pro nobis?
"I'm a buddhist...
... In case of an accident, call a lama"
What's Cutshaw's religion?
I don't know.
Read the file; it's all in the file.
Elementary psychology.
Well, here are my pants.
What's this?
I think it's a dog.
Goddammit, not the pants!
Ah, there you are!
Why do I have to put up with your
temperament this early in the morning?
Sorry Colonel. It's hard to keep track of -
- Major Groper, let it be.
- But Colonel!
Alright. The men may see me whenever they need to.
You heard?
Whatever you say, sir.
Quit drinking buttermilk Daiquiris
in the closet, Groper.
That man is a lunatic and dangerous.
Once when I was walking the grounds,
I hear his whispering and I look...
And up in the branches of a cypress tree
there's Groper the crazy bastard
talking in whispers with an owl.
- What?
- A big black and white owl. They're common.
I could'nt testify what they were saying.
They were whispering... you understand me?
I couldn't hear them clearly.
And what I don't know for a fact, I don't say.
That's the kind of hairpin I am.
Reno...
No, Sir, the words weren't clear.
Really sir, believe me.
But there is no cypress tree on the ground.
Doctor, its easy to dig up a tree...
...and then anyone with money
can fill in the hole.
I didn't think of that.
No, you didn't.
Is this your dog?
What does it look like? My zebra?
- What do you call him?
- Irresponsible...
... he's ten minutes late for rehearsal.
Out, Sir Lawrence.
Lieutenant Reno is adapting
Shakespeare's plays for dogs.
A labor of love! A fucking headache!
But goddammit, somebody's got to do it!
We are just getting into Julius Ceasar.
Want to come to rehearsal?
We're doing that terribly gripping scene
where this very noble-looking dalmatian...
... whips his toga around himself - thusly...
and snarls "Et tu, White Fang?"
I'd like to ask your opinion
about a problem in Hamlet.
You see, if i cast a Great Dane in the role,
they're gonna accuse me of -
Frankie, look...
Lieutenant Spinell,
my casting director.
- Hi fellas.
- We're looking for talent.
So far this production is a one-dog-show.
Who's that?
That dog may be Rosencrantz
or Guildenstern.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are males,
this dog is a female.
So we take a license.
Get the fuck out of here.
Ok, I was only suggesting.
Sorry.
Quiet, Sir Lawrence!
Jesus, why do I live like this!
One moment and he thinks
he's Barbara Streisand.
Read the classics. It improves
the whole respiratory system.
Adis.
Quiet! I asked for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
And what did you bring me?
Tiny Alice!
I want dobermans, I want even a collie...
Stop breaking my balls!
Fairbanks...
It is one of my multiple personalities...
I am sister Eve Black.
I understand...
"The little Sisters of the poor"
is a recognised charity, Krebs.
Fuck off.
They're all that bad?
He was flying those planes we got
from the Germans, you know..
...the ones that take off from the
vertical and then fly straight?
for no reason at all...
And right after number 24, Fairbanks found
out that he could talk to trees.
You think they're faking it, then?
I don't know..I just got back myself a week ago.
Biggest mystery is Cutshaw, I guess.
Why him?
Well, he wasn't in combat...
So why should he fake it?
And what about Reno? That man owns a
Congressional medal of honor.
He's pretending insanity to get out of combat?
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
They all have high IQs.
Some of them genius, matter-of-fact.
And most other fakery I've heard about from the corps...
... comes under the category of falling
out of parade in front of a reviewing stand
and then urinating,
...preferably on some field-grade officer's leg.
I don't know.
Maybe we are just fish out of the water.
What was that?
I just think about...
sickness...
cancer in children...
earthquakes, war...
...painful death.
Death.
Just death.
If these things are just part of our natural environment...
Why do we think of them as evil?
Why do they horrify us so?
...unless we were meant for someplace else.
I don't think evil grows out of madness.
I think madness grows out of evil.
Hell, I don't know.
Maybe I'll give them all shock treatment, you know.
Might shake out the phonies, what do you think?
You hate it.
Well I'll see you later.
SHOCK TREATMENT - CURATIVE
What're you holding... ?
All secure, sir.
Sargeant Krebs.
Please tell Colonel Fell
I want to see him.
Colonel Fell has signed out for the day, sir.
Capitain Bennish may need a thorazine injection.
Who has a key to the drug locker?
Only Colonel Fell, sir.
Sargeant Krebs.
Please tell Colonel Fell I need to see
him as soon as he gets back.
Yes, sir. I will.
- Good night, Sargeant.
- Good night, Sir.
Close the door please, Krebs.
Colonel, what are you holding...?
You cut off his head with a wire
and he kept on talking...
...Colonel, he was just a boy.
Let's go to the beach.
It's night, and it's raining.
I see you're determined to start an argument.
Go to bed, please.
Hud, there is nothing less attractive
than a psychiatrist who pouts.
What do I have to do to just get in a word with you?
Offer sacrifice?
Then, here!
I brought you a mud-pie.
Now, can I talk to you?
Will you talk about the moon?
Listen, everyone knows that
the moon is Roquefort.
I've come here to talk about Colonel Fell.
- What about him?
- Major Nammack approached him this morning,
complaining of a strange and wondrous illness.
And do you know what that
heartless butcher prescribed?
He said "Here, take this...
... It's a suicide pill with a
mild laxative side-effect"
What kind of bedside manner is that?
I break the arrow of peace.
Why did you buy that arm-band?
- Because I am in mourning.
- For whom?
For God. If God exists, then he's a fink.
Or more likely a Foot:
A giant all-knowing all-powerful Foot.
I don't belong to God...
... so I don't have to hide
in an Argentina Club.
But I believe in the Devil alright.
You know why?
Because the prick keeps doing commercials.
The Original sin might be real.
Hello, operator?
Maybe it is something genetic.
Can you prove there is a Foot?
There are some arguments for reason.
Are those the things that we used to
justify dropping atomic bombs on Japan?
I am sorry we have to rush the job like this, Fell.
When I got into what we were trying, we hit the
ceiling. We needed all the help we could get.
And in a hell of a hurry.
- Think we convinced him?
- Oh yeah, he bought it.
- God, I hope so.
- I know how you feel.
You do?
No, I guess I don't.
Well that's life, huh?
Take it easy, now.
- I sure hope it all works out for you.
- Yeah.
Every kind thought thought
is the hope of the world, right?
See you later.
Good luck.
- Horacio...
- Get me a grey hound.
I said get me a grey hound.
- Grey hound.
- That's right...
Pekingese.
And you'll play three feet off the ground?
I want people to wonder about him.
I don't know.
- Why the fuck are you bothering me?
- Polonius...
My Laertes is supposed to be a foil to Hamlet.
Polonius...
- I swear I'm going to hit you in the mouth.
- Polonius...
- Un Chow.
- Labrador...
What the fuck are you doing?
I think he's suffocating.
Good night, sweetheart.
Colonel?
I am telling you Kane is the one who's crazy.
He just sat there doing this. All the time - doing this!
Hell he never even saw me!
I want you to drop like an overripe mango.
A lot of psychiatrists are deeply disturbed.
They've got the highest suicide
rate of any profession in the world..
Now that's a fact, you can check it Captain Billy.
What the hell were you doing at the clinic?
I had cookies in my teeth...
... raisins and crap like that, you know.
I needed some dental floss.
I'm telling you...
He is Gregory Peck
in Spellbound.
He comes to take over the mental asylum,
and he's nuts himself.
I swear it, it's just like that picture.
I took a fork and a tablecloth in front of him...
... I made ski tracks and he fainted.
Would you kindly have the goodness to admit
that you are able read my thoughts?
...that my space-ship crashed on the planet Venus...
...that this is Venus
and you are a Venusian!
That you have ILLEGALLY invaded my mind,
making me believe that I am still on earth,
with some demonic hypnotic illusion!
This is NOT earth!
You're NOT an earthman!
I'm standing here with fungus upto my ass,
you bastard.
And you're a giant brain!
Please give me back my flying-belt.
I won't use it to escape..
..I swear to God, I won't. Give me the flying -
I wanna play Tinkerbell...
...in a drag in a fungoid
production of Peter Pan.
Can I help you with anything, sir?
Medication is indicated here.
Colonel Fell isn't back yet, sir.
Yeah he isn't up, like you know where he is?
He's up there with my flying-belt.
You're giving me back my flying-belt!
I want my flying-belt back!
Michael, I want you to be calm.
I want you to be calm.
There are lots of sick people in this house,
and many of them are sleeping.
This is embarrasing, I'm terribly sorry.
- Captain Cutshaw.
- Vincent.
In order for life to appear spontaneously on earth...
... there first had to be hundreds of
millions of protein molecules...
- ...of the ninth configuration.
- Vincent.
But given the size of the planet Earth...
do you know how long it would take for
just one of these protein molecules...
... to appear entirely by chance?
Vincent...
Roughly 10 to the 243rd power
billions of years.
And I find that far far more fantastic...
...than simply believing in God.
Colonel, what are you...
Shouldn't sleep like that; wrinkles the pants.
- What time is it?
- 8:15.
Got a word you were looking for me?
Where were you?
Personal matters,
I've got an uncle in trouble.
Any way I can help?
No, we're doing what we can.
Appreciate it though, thanks.
What's up?
Captain Bennish could use some sedation.
Please, might I have the duplicate
key to the drug-chest?
We had to break into it..
I think it'll be better if we both had a key.
Boy you look beat... didn't you get sleep?
Every time I dropped off, another
one of the men was at the door.
- Keep it closed.
- No.
They've got to be able to talk to
me every time they need to.
It's upto you.
Something wrong?
Something right?
- That dream.
- I didn't get you.
I just flashed on this dream I keep having.
Julius Caesar's wife said to Sigmund Freud,
you tell me yours and I'll tell you mine.
- It isn't my dream.
- I didn't get you.
I said...it isn't my dream.
Was it rented?
A patient of mine,
a Colonel at Vietnam,
he had this grotesque recurring nightmare.
Something that happened to him in combat.
Ever since he told me about it,
I keep dreaming it.
Jesus.
Yeah, strange.
Weird is the word..that's carrying
transferance a little far, isn't it?
- It was my brother.
- The patient?
- Yes.
- Oh my God.
Twin brother?
No.
Yeah, but; that would still explain it,
wouldn't it? I mean a...
You're psychically attuned.
You're brothers. You're close...
- No, we're not.
- But you must be.
Fell.
Have you ever heard of 'Killer' Kane?
Buck Rogers?
No, 'Killer' Kane the Marine.
Oh yeah, sure. The guerilla-warfare guy who
killed thirty-forty guys with his hands.
More than that.
What's the point?
Me is my brother.
Bullshit.
No, it's true.
You're kidding!
I wish I were.
Uh-oh; you two guys don't get along huh?
What's the beef?
He's a murderer.
He's a Marine.
He gets dropped behind the enemy
lines and does his duty.
Just forget it.
Are you sure you know what business you're in?
These recruiting-office sergeants
can be pretty sneaky sometimes.
Vincent...
You a friend of Jane Fonda?
- We're close.
- You're kidding.
I'm kidding.
Drugs.
What was that?
So many of these doctors get hooked on drugs.
Hey, how is your brother by the way?
You know I met him once over in Korea.
Kind of palled around, we guys; matter-of-fact.
I liked him. I liked him a helluva lot.
He's dead.
Oh, holy Christ. Hey, I'm sorry.
- I'm really sorry.
- Its alright.
Yes, come in.
Colonel Kane,
could I see you for a second?
Well I gotta go you guys, I'll see you later.
To my darling, my dearest,
my flaming secret love.
How I've hungered for this moment,
when I may rip away my mask...
...and unburden by aching bleeding heart.
My sweetest, I saw you but an instant; a semi-instant;
yet I knew I was your slave.
Wondorous creature, I adore you!
You are sandalwood from Nineveh,
truffles from the moon...
In my dreams, I am a madman.
Yes! I rip away your dress, and then your bra,
and then your glasses, and I-
- Groper, is this necessary?
- Look at the signature.
Major Marvin Groper.
Sir, I got phone call after phone call this
morning from broads who got letters like this one.
Where did you get this?
- Well sir, some of the women, they -
- Women?
- Well, they happened to come here today and -
- Happened?
Well sir; I asked them...
- ...ones with the nice voices.
- Groper.
They are ugly, sir!
Ugly as sin!
And I think the bastard who wrote all those letters
needs some kind of punishment and restriction, sir!
Who wrote this letter?
Look at the envelope, sir.
The address...
Sir, there's only one mind here who is this diabolical!
See that? Its made up to look like its been mimeoed.
Like its part of a mass commercial mailing, sir.
"To : Occupant"
Some of this stuuff's just got to stop, sir.
Maybe so, Groper. Yes.
It's getting out of hand.
Yes.
Maybe we do need a few restrictions.
Colonel.
Colonel.
-I'm in trouble, I need help. Immediate help.
-Take an enema; call me soon.
Dr. Fell, you're wanted in surgery.
I've been having an argument, a monster...
...and I'll like you to settle it once and for all.
Some Shakespearean-
Hold this please.
Some Shakespearean scho -
Thank you.
Some Shakespearean scholars say that when
Hamlet is pretending he's crazy...
...he really is crazy,
Correct?
That's right.
Now other Shakespearean scholars
say that when Hamlet...
Other Shakespearean scholars say that
when Hamlet is pretending to be nuts...
...he really isn't nuts, its an act.
Please give me your opinion.
I would like to hear your's first.
Terrific psychiatrist.
That's class.
Pretty...
Why don't you go inoculate a fucking armadillo, Fell?
No really, I'm interested. I'm terribly interested.
Your interests are coextensive
with on Nero's ass on Sunday morning.
Heady concept, Frankie.
Now listen, Colonel.
considering how Hamlet is acting...
...is he really and truly crazy?
- Yes.
- No.
You're both wrong.
Now think what happens:
First the father dies; then his girl leaves him flat.
then there's the appearance by his father's ghost...
...Bad enough, but then the ghost says he was murdered.
And by whom?
By Hamlet's uncle, who recently married Hamlet's mother!
Now that by itself is a helluva hangup;
because Hamlet liked his mother...
...a lot!
But then we agreed than Hamlet's insane.
No, he's not.
He is pretending,
but...
...if Hamlet hadn't pretended to be crazy,
he would have gone crazy.
See, Hamlet isn't psycho.
He's hanging on a brink.
A little shove, a little teensy eensy little
eensy push, and the kid's gone! Bananas! Whacked out!
So his unconscious mind makes
him do what keeps him sane...
...namely acting like he's nuts!
See 'Cause acting crazy...
...is a way to let off steam; a way to
get rid of your fucking aggression. A way
to get rid of your fears and your terrors...
If I did what Hamlet does in this play,
they'd lock me up; they'd put me in prison.
They'll punish me, sure!
But him? Prince Royal Garbagemouth
gets away with murder. And why?
Because nuts are not responsible!
Meantime, the crazier Hamlet acts...
the more he indulges himself,
the healthier he gets!
- Yes. I think...
- I'm waiting.
I think I agree with your theory.
Yes! There!
You see? You understand that now,
you dumb stupid idiot?
From now on, we do the scene my way!
Come on, Sir Lawrence.
God bless your veins and your arteries, Colonel.
Sir Lawrence,
you don't know shit...
Did he buy it?
Did he buy it?
Hell, I bought it.
Billy, I think there is something wrong with us.
Groper, get off the line.
The Hamlet theory is correct.
Hello, coLonel Kane here.
Get me Captain Pendelton.
Yes, the Quartermaster's office.
Thank you.
We'll need some supplies.
What for?
We're going to indulge the men.
...just like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
Would you care to enter a comment
on the frog-man suit...
... or the German Gestapo uniforms?
You'll pick the uniforms...
Sure, go ahead...
Oh, I see.
They want tp play
"Great Escape".
And tunnels 1 and 2 are decoys.
Jesus.
- Some weather we are having...
- Jesus.
You are out of uniform.
Jesus.
Out, take a hike. Out!
And tell your stupid agent never
to waste any more of my time!
Can you imagine? Look at that!
Here I am casting Julius Caesar,
and what do they send me?
A dog that lisps.
Spinell, out. Get out.
You too Nammack.
Get out now, get lost.
Gimme a reason.
One good reason.
Colonel, do me a favor? Please?
Explain to this moron here that in none
of the plays of Shakespeare...
...can there be a part for Superman.
There could be, the way I explained it.
The way you explained! Jesus!
You know what he wants? You want to hear?
When the conspirators draw their knives,
he wants to rescue Julius Caesar!
Ready? Swoop down like a rocket, pick him
up and go hurdling mighty temples in one
single, incredible bound!
Jesus, Nammack. Are you crazy?
Gentlemen, who put the flies in my paint palette?
Bananas!
Krebs!
Next.
Starlet. Look at this!
Did you bring any photographs, honey?
Jesus.
Go talk to your brother,
I think he has 'The Falling Sickness'.
Put your head up.
- I'm going to the roof.
- Let go of my stethoscope please.
Will these people be staying for dinner?
The cook is fixing Mexican.
He wants to know how many.
I can't get this...the man just threw up.
I gotta go check on him.
Dr. Fromme, can I talk to you please?
She bit me.
I told her she was lousy and she bit me.
Maybe, I ought to use penguins.
You here that, dammit?
You can be replaced.
The atoms in water have manners.
Look. There he is.
Our heavenly shrink.
You are ours and ours alone and no one else's.
- Hip, hip...!
- Hurray!
Colonel, what are you holding...?
- Colonel, what are you...?
- Jesus! it is...
Colonel, why do I have to wear this?
What?
I said why do I have to wear this?
Its psychodrama, major.
Roleplay.
A standard tool for therapy.
The inmates are playing the role of Allied prisoners of war,
attemping to tunnel their way through freedom.
We are their captors.
Bullshit,
we're their prisoners!
A bunch of yellow-bellied goof-offs
out there havin' a ball.
Why should I have to help their fun,
I'm not a psychiatrist!
Its a goddam chicken-shit crazy idea.
Jesus! Jesus Crist, man!
Why don't you love somebody just a little!
Why don't you help somebody! Help them!
help! For the love of Christ!!
You green-soaked caterpillar-torturing bastard!
You're going to wear that uniform,
sleep in it, bathe in it.
Try to take it off and you'll die in it!
Is that clear!
I claim this swamp for Poland!
Major Groper, please get out of here.
Immediately!
And keep that uniform clean.
The man has a flag-fetish.
Now, then Major Strasser.
Tomorrow night we're switching roles.
You'll be the inmates and we'll be the guards.
Here, study your part for tomorrow night's interrogation.
Notice, incidentally, that you'll crack on page 3.
Yes.
Who are you?
Who are you?
You're too human to be human.
I don't know.
Maybe you're P.T. Barnum.
P.T. Barnum slaughtered lambs.
He put up a cage of side shows...
...and he stuck in a panther and a lamb together.
And there was never any trouble.
Huddy, the public just went lollipops.
Look, a panther and a lamb and they don't even argue!
They don't even discuss!
But Hud,
what the public never knew...
...was that it was never the same lamb.
That fucking panther ate up a lamb every single
day at intermission for three hundred days,
and then they shot him for asking for mint sauce.
Animals are innocent.
Why should they suffer?
Why should children suffer?
Will you tell me?
Why should any baby have to suffer and die?
Why should men?
Oh, come on now.
Don't try that thing on me.
You've got answers for it.
Like: "Pain makes people noble"
And how could man be more than a
talking, tennis playing panda bear...
...if there weren't at least the
possibility of suffering?
But what about animals, Hud?
Does pain make turkeys noble?
Why is all of creation based on dog eat dog,
and the little fish are eaten by the big fish?
Animals screaming in pain.
Our creation an open wound, a fucking slaughterhouse!
- We've talked about that.
- Not enough!
We said 'The original sin' might be the cause.
Then why doesn't the Foot just
come down and tell us?
Is Foot running short of tablets of stone?
My Uncle Eddie owns a quarry;
I can get them for him wholesale.
You're asking for miracles.
I'm asking Foot to either
shit or get off the pot.
Diarrhetic strange Gods have
been waiting in the line!
Maybe God cannot interfere in our affairs.
So I noticed.
Maybe He can't because to do so
will spoil his plans for the future.
Some evolution of man and the world
that's so unthinkably beautiful...
...that its's worth all the pain of
every suffering thing that ever lived.
I say it's spinach and to hell with it.
You're convinced that God is dead
because there's evil in the world.
Correct.
Then why don't you think He's alive
because of the goodness in the world?
- What goodness?
- Every where! In man.
- You're commendable.
- If we're nothing but atoms...
molecular structures no different
in kind from this desk or that pen,
Then we ought to always be rushing
irresestibly blindly...
...to our own selfish ends?
So how is it that there is love in this world?
I mean love as a God might love.
- And a man will give his life for another.
- Never happened.
Ofcourse it's happened.
- Give me an example.
- Happens all the time.
Name one example!
A soldier throws himself on top of a live grenade
to prevent the other men in his squad from being hit.
That's reflex action.
A shipwreck survivor in the middle of an ocean...
... finds out that he has typhoid...
... and deliberately goes over
the side of the life-boat...
... to keep the others in the
boat from contracting the disease.
Now, what do you call that? Reflex action?
No, I call that suicide.
Suicide and giving up your life are not the same.
You're so dumb you're adorable.
The essence of suicide is dispair.
The essence of suicide is you
don't collect the insurance.
Listen, who doesn't know what all these
examples we keep on hearing about aren't bullshit?
And don't have some basically bullshit selfish explanation?
- I know.
- I don't.
Now give me just one example - just one -
that you know of personally.
Personally, just one!
I thought as much.
Tomorrow's Sunday. Take me to Mass.
Would Foot give a shit about what I'm wearing?
Is that Edgar Cayce?
If anyone enters by me, he will be saved.
The thief comes only to steal,
to kill, and destroy.
But I have come that they may have life,
life in all its fullness.
That the father knows me,
and I know the Father,
in the same way I know my sheep,
and they know me, and I am willing to die for them.
"I have given YOU an example"
I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd
gives his life for his sheep.
Infinite goodness is creating a being...
...that you know in advance is going to complain.
"To be or not to be"
Thanks, I dug it.
If you die first and there's life after death,
...will you give me a sign?
- I'll try.
- You're terrific.
Did Cutshaw behave himself?
As usual. Where are you going?
To the beach. The diner down there serves
great eggs Benedict. You'd like to come?
- Yeah, it's my favorite food.
- Why don't you come along?
No, thanks. I feel tired. I think
I'm going to lie down for a while.
- Excuse me.
- Sure.
I was hoping you'd come along and pick up the check.
- Colonel...
- Goddamit!
Is there any news from earth?
I'm sorry.
Any letters?
- Your planet has demanded your return.
- Fuck that.
Any packages?
When I was on Mars my mother
sent me a cheesecake once a month.
She used to pack it in popcorn to keep it moist.
All that shit about canals on Mars is a myth.
Mars is drier than an armpit in hell.
Yes, I know.
But not here! Here it's nice.
Well Ok, I'm sealing off my mind.
Colonel Kane.
- Yes?
- New inmate, sir.
He got in about half an hour ago.
I put him in your office.
I didn't think you'd want him mixing
with the others until you'd -
well - sort ofexplained things to him.
He seems pretty straight to me, sir.
Just combat fatigue, from the look of him.
-Thanks Krebs, I'll see him in a minute.
-Right, sir.
Jesus.
'Killer' Kane!
Colonel, Colonel. Its me, Gilman!
Come on, let's go.
Hey, you got a Charlie.
- Just a boy.
- Forget about it sir, let's get out of here...
I cut off his head with a wire...
...and he kept on talking.
What're you holding?
What's there in your -
Jesus!
Christ, this is obviously mistake, sir.
Some computer must have goofed up.
It puts you down as...
... incharge of the state asylum...
...your MOS as 'Psychiatrist'.
Your serial number's wrong...
There must be another Colonel Kane.
There must be another Colonel Kane.
Vincent.
Tell me again about goodness in the world.
You lying bloody butchering bastard!
Don't touch me, don't come near me.
There's your brother up there.
There's your bloody green-soaked brother
that's Kane. That's 'Killer' Kane!
He'll cut your fucking head off with a wire!
I needed you!
- What happened?
- You fainted, don't you remember?
What do you remember?
I don't know.
Nothing.
I was walking to my room...
You remember the new inmate?
New inmate?
You don't remember.
What the hell are you talking about?
Groper, who was that?
Cutshaw, sir.
When Kane got the orders, he was...
... he was commanding a Special
Forces camp just south of DMZ.
By the time he got to the States,
they'd caught the mistake.
But by then it was clear he
meant to go through with it.
We've been watching him.
We heard the - we heard the stories about his cracking.
He seemed to be on the edge of a
very serious breakdown, and then...
...one computer dropped the stitch
and gave a halfway out:
A way to find help without facing his illness;
A way to hide from himself;
But mostly...
Mostly a way to wash away all the blood:
a way to do penance for all
the killing - by curing.
At first, it was just a pretense but...
...on the way back from Viet Nam
it developed into something more.
His hatred of the Kane who killed became denial,
and also projection:
'Someone else must have done all the killing'.
Then after a time the denial became so strong that...
...it totally obliterated Kane's identity.
He suppressed the Kane who was the killer,
and became the better-self that's in all of us.
Completely.
Except when he dreamed.
We were experimenting, you see...
He was on the inside, looking out.
An inmate functioning as a psychiatrist...
...and coming to bear on the problem
like nothing we'd ever seen before.
We hoped he might come up with a new
answer, or atleast some new insight.
And I think he did.
I think the men have been responding to him.
But he suffered a setback today. And a bad one.
...You see, his only hope of finding cure
for himself is ...
...to wipe away the guilt by a saving act...
by curing the other inmates,
or atleast see some improvement.
But that takes time.
Time and your help.
And you've seen my orders. But I
want Kane to play out the string.
You understand?
- Lieutenant Gilman.
- Yes, sir.
I'd like you to try to convince the other inmates
that you were mistaken. That shouldn't be too
hard to sell around here? Will you do that?
Oh yeah, sure.
Groper, Krebs, Christian and the
others will back you up. So will I.
Colonel.
Let me get something straight.
You've been incharge here, all the time.
That's right.
Kane is Vincent Kane.
I'm Hudson.
I'm the psychiatrist.
Vincent is my patient.
When we ah - when we were kids
I used to make him laugh all the time.
I was the clown, you know.
And I've been trying to help
him remember me. But he won't do it.
He's my brother.
Hey waitress, could I have a runway
for the young lady and one more scotch.
Sir, you've got five right there in front of you.
I wanted six.
Quiet.
That's him. I know that's him.
- You're demented.
- Up yours! I've seen his picture in the paper.
You don't read papers, Stanley.
- You're an illiterate.
- Then TV, you asshole!
Look at him! Look at his face!
He's the astronaut,
the one that lost his marbles!
What's he doin' in a joint like this?
Now, how the fuck do I know?
Dude, they have all types of those army
whackos stashed up in that Biltmore dump!
What if it could be one of them?
I don't know!
But that's him, I swear.
I'm positive.
How positive is positive, Stanley?
You wanna bet?
Yeah, how much?
Just a beer and a shot in the mouth.
Lead on.
I think he's kinda cute.
- I told you not to smoke!
- Hey Steve, two beers and two bourbon rocks.
You desire an audience?
What's your name?
Rumpelstiltskin.
- Wise-ass.
- A literate.
Your name.
My maiden name or married?
Too literate.
Waitress!
See? Marines.
USMC.
Unbridled Sex for the Masters Clubs.
Is it something I said?
If I lose this bet Richard, I'm
going to punch him in the mouth.
One more scotch and two spittoons, love,
Fill them with caterpillar's blood.
My friends here are very...
Hey, cut that out!
It's him.
It's really him.
I got his dog tags Richard, its him!
The bigshit astronaut.
My God!
Hey! Everybody!
Guess what we've got here...
A damned celebrity!
A chicken, wigged-out astronaut!
This here is Captain Billy Cutshaw,
brothers and sisters.
Oh my God.
Now I propose...
I propose that we make him an
honorary member of our club.
Now that's friendly!
Would you like to join our club?
Fuck you.
Okay. Don't fuck you.
Now this is what I learnt in the boyscouts.
Hello? Could you help me please?
Do you have a listing for some kind of asylum -
...could you maybe invite Charlie Price and
Dick Cooey and Jeniffer and -
I'm sorry...
Do you have a number for some kind
of asylum for marines or something?
First, we must baptize the chicken-mother.
- Richard, you may have the honors.
- Thank you, Stanley.
Lets have a countdown.
Splash down!
Everything A-O.K. there, spaceman?
Could you polish your chains,
they're old and little cruddy
Welcome...to the club.
Colonel Kane.
No, I'm on.
Where are you located?
Splash down!
Again!
Cutshaw.
- Been meeting your family.
- I think it's his keeper.
I think we got us a new beach ball.
Come on.
That's my beach ball, man.
Put it down.
Yeah, you tell him, Stan.
- You better call the M.P.s!
- Nah, the S.P.s: that's the Shit Patrol!
Here's your goodness in man.
Did you talk?
I think the beach ball here just said something!
Did you talk?
Let go of him, please.
You, let go of my beach ball.
Please let us go.
Pretty please.
Pretty please?
Now say...
... "Marines are chicken."
Come on, say it.
Marines...
Let's finish it.
Marines are chicken.
Wait wait, just two more.
Now say...
"Marines all suck."
Now come on.
You're gonna say it and get outta here?
Go on, now. Say it.
Say it:"Marines all suck."
And you can go.
Marines...
Come on, let's finish it.
Marines...
Marines...
...all...suck.
Let's play beach ball!
U.S.M.C.!
U.S.M.C.!
Ah, it's break time! Isn't that so?
U.S.M.C.!, U.S.M.C.!
The marines have landed.
You want a little drink, lunar boy?
- Richard, get me a beer-
- Coming up.
Uh-oh, here comes Stanley.
Fucking slob.
Now clean up the mess.
I'm on vacation!
Now lick it.
Lick it!
Lick it!
Hey, cut that out!
Lick it.
And I'll let you both go.
You and your friend.
Now lick it.
Lick it.
Jesus Christ.
Chicken-shit turd.
He did it!
Scum.
That's for disgracing the fucking uniform.
You bastards!
- Sons of bitches!
- Get him down.
Get him down on the floor. I got a present for him.
Hold the bastard steady.
Hold him down, will ya?
- How're you doing, Richard?
- That guy's a fighter.
I think he wants some more...
Oh my God.
What the fuck...
You son of a -
- Come on, Coronel.
- You said yourself he was provoked.
- Yeah, but he also...
- No, goddammit! He stays!
We're taking him in, sir.
Sorry, but we are.
And you can either produce him,
or we'll find him ourselves.
Come on, Frank.
Better hold it right there pal.
Colonel?
Colonel Kane, Sir.
Has anybody told Ann?
- Ann?
- My wife.
No, its alright.
Where's Gilman?
He's downstairs, sir.
Is he alright?
Yes, sir. He's fine sir.
Cutshaw.
Yes, sir?
Why won't you go to the moon?
Because I'm afraid.
Afraid?
That's right, sir.
See the stars...
So cold...
So far...
and so very lonely.
Oh, so lonely.
All that space...
just empty space.
and so...far way from home.
I've circled round...
...and round this house.
Orbit...
...after orbit.
And sometimes I wonder...
...what it would be like never to stop.
and circle alone up there...
...forever.
And what if I got there,
got to the moon,
and couldn't get back?
Sure, everyone dies.
but I'm afraid to die alone...
...so far from home.
And if there's no God..
then that's really...
...really...
...alone.
Not...much time.
Time.
No time.
But I'll show you...
But I'll show you...God exists.
That's right, sir...
One example...
And the others...
maybe...
help.
Try to cure...
Try to cure them too.
I don't know.
No other way now.
Time.
No time.
Had to try...
Shock...
shock treatment.
What was that, sir?
Tired.
Tired.
Oh, God.
I love -
Oh God.
Oh, my God.
Ok, Sir.
He's on his way.
Can we talk to the other?
Hey, what the hell is going on?
Why the cops?
Alright. Sorry, go back to bed.
Where's Cutshaw?
Krebs, look in the dorm, will you please?
Christian, go up -
Oh, my God.
He's dead.
He gave up his life.
Major?
If you die first and there's life after death...
Will you give me a sign?
Captain Cutshaw,
I'm taking my life...
...in the hope that my death will provide
the shock that is curative therapy.
In any case,
you now have your one example.
If ever I've injured you, I am sorry.
I have been fond of you.
I know some day I will see you again.
Vincent Kane.
Sure heard some stories about this place, sir.
Heard they had a doctor there
that was really a killer.
He was a lamb.
Ok.
Hey, hold it, hold it.
Where did the Saint Christopher medal come from?