[dance music plays]
[man] You know that there
are over one billion
gamers worldwide? And that the
average age of a gamer
is 37-years-old?
The anatomy of a gamer
looks something like this.
First off is hand-eye
coordination.
A true gamer could flick
an atom off a gnat's ass
as it flew by. True story.
Next up, posture,
which really doesn't matter
because owning people can
be done from any position.
I once got sniped by a guy
who said he was in the middle
of intercourse.
He sent me a pic to prove it.
I mean, getting sniped
was the least of my worries.
I didn't even know
my mom liked gamers.
You see, gamers are
the new athletes.
But most people wouldn't know
that. They just go to bars
and cheer for people that they
will never meet in person.
- What the...?
- They fail to realize
that there is a cyber-athlete
in just about every home
in this world.
So, unfortunately,
we have to put up
with people like this.
- Yes!
- Watch it! Geek!
[man] This chick isn't fooling
us. We know exactly how her
Friday nights will go:
- Making Daddy proud.
-[gagging]
Ah! This party's so sick, man!
[man] It's time to recognize
the new athletes
of the 21st century.
These trolls will try to
compete, but to us gamers,
they will always be
a bunch of noobz.
[rock music plays]
I hate the way you chose me
as someone to love to try
to impress me with your lies
Number nine
I would rather watch The
Sound of Music in my pajamas
Take a walk on the wild side
Number eight
Did you know that you just
shut up for just one second
That a feeling of joy
and happiness will appear
[making video game,
shooting sounds]
[babbling]
Your bullshit...
OK.
Got you an eight
and an eight and a half.
[gagging] Oh, my God!
Wow!
Just slide it in real nice.
[coughing, gagging] Oh, my...
Come on, you apes!
You wanna live forever?!
Yeah! Kill 'em all!
Kill 'em all!
What? I can't get on, man.
I just started an open house.
Dude, that is right.
Open house, all right?
So open the door,
let those bitches in, all right?
So you can go home and log on.
We gotta play
the Black Assassins!
We just played them, man.
They beat our ass every single
time. I hate those kids.
Dude, it's the clan generator.
Random pick.
It's the last time we're gonna
get to play the Assassins
before the tourney.
I told you, man, quit talking
about that damn tourney.
I'm broke, dude.
- This housing market sucks.
- Dude, listen to me.
You're fourth in the world.
We're all broke. The tourney's
the only thing you should be
thinking about.
I'd be number on
if I didn't have to work
this stupid-ass job.
I gotta sell a house so my wife
will quit bitching at me.
Then I can play.
Well, look, think how happy
you'll be and she'll be
when you're splitting up
that fat, fat championship
money, baby.
You know what? She'll be so
happy, she'll be like, "Oh!"
And you'll be like, "Eh!"
And you'll be like, "Ooh!"
You're an idiot, dude.
All right, listen, I got a
couple of raisins walking up.
I'm gonna throw some cards
on the counter,
and when Alzheimer's sets in,
I'm gonna duck out.
I'll be on in 20.
- Hi! How are you?
- Hi. Fine!
What a lovely dead animal
you got draped across your neck.
Did you kill that yourself?
Let's go on in. Thank you.
Oh, that's... excellent.
OK. Thanks.
All right. So it's a house.
You know that.
[music plays as ringtone]
Andy! Yo, give me some news.
Clan match, Black Assassins,
one hour, boy.
Nice! Yeah, we need all the
practice we can get,
so it's good.
Practice? This is a real match,
princess.
- You better be there.
- Yeah, well, I'm in either way.
- So... hold on.
- Yoo-hoo!
How's this look?
Uh... you know what?
You, um... you were right.
You are a small. [laughs]
I don't know what
I was thinking.
I've been trying on clothes
a lot longer than you
wanted to be a woman.
[both laugh]
[laughs] Even she knows
you like the penis.
Allegedly.
Look, I'm only working half
a day, so I will be there.
- See you later, sweetheart.
- OK. I love... you hung up. OK.
OK! See what else we can try
and grease you into. Shall we?
- [beeping]
- There you go.
- What's up, bro?
- What's up, my brother?
Log on. Clan match,
one hour, bro.
- Who's the victims?
- Black Assassins.
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna
make them my beeyatches!
Wait, did you say "beeyatches?"
Hollywood always
drops LA slang.
Whatever, dude,
just get a cell phone.
- [r&b plays]
- [cell phone rings]
- Hello?
- Cody!
- Yes?
- This is Sarah.
Hi, Sarah. How are you?
I'm pissed! I'm at the open
house, and where are you?
I, um, I just left. I had
to run a couple errands.
An errand, Cody?
You can't leave random people
in our client's house
without supervision.
Why not? It's an open house.
They're adults.
Oh, I've had it with you,
Cody Thomas!
You haven't sold a house
in months, and...
I just heard you asked a
prospective buyer's daughter
if she thought her mother
was a prostitute?
If you had seen what
she was wearing...
Oh, hi! Come on in. Yeah,
I'll be right with you. OK.
This isn't work out, Cody.
You're fired. Don't worry
about repaying your advance.
Damn it!
- What's up, fellas?
- In the house!
- What up, ladies?
- What's up?
I got fired for leaving my open
house, that's what's up.
- [Andy] What?
- I know, man.
Melissa's gonna kill me. I have
no idea what I'm gonna do.
If you need, you are more than
welcome to stay at my place.
I got a queen-sized bed.
It's really nice.
Told you, Oliver,
I'm not interested.
- So rude.
- Let's just win this game.
- I hate these dudes.
- Sup, beeyatches? Ready
to take it in the ass again?
- Screw you, dude.
- You wish, Fraggett.
I'm in no mood for your mouth,
Chomama. Where's the rest
of your clan?
I got some good news
for you punks.
- Only two of us is playing.
-Yo, Chomama, you know
you need four
for an official clan match.
Look, Pr3daTurD, I can beat your
whole weak-ass clan on my own.
- So be grateful we
even showing up.
- Why don't we just play?
OK? I got Pilates in an hour.
[electronic music plays]
Cover Rumpleforeskin.
Oh, and... Oh, yeah!
- I'm dead. I'm dead.
- Are you serious?
Rain on me. Get upset with me,
'cause it's my fault.
- Ah!
- Come on!
- Wow. Why wouldn't you?
- Why wouldn't I what?
How did I know you'd be playing
that stupid video game?
It's only three
in the afternoon.
- Yeah, so?
- So?
Normal people have jobs
during the week, Cody!
- Not playing damn video games!
- He's getting yelled at.
- He's getting yelled at, bro.
- You know this is how I relax.
- Come on, Hollywood!
- You sounds really relaxed,
don't you?
Wait a minute. What are you
even doing here right now?
Oh, my God, Cody.
You lost another job,
didn't you?
- You are pathetic.
- Oh, that's harsh.
Cody, mute... mute your mic.
Must be that time
of the month, huh?
It is, Cody! It is that time
of the freaking month!
- Dude, we can hear you!
- The time that I actually
leave your worthless,
- sorry, video game-playing ass!
- Man, I gotta record this.
- Yeah, I've heard that before.
- No, you know what?
You're right, Cody Thomas.
You have heard that before,
and I am sorry for that.
Because my psychic was right.
There is something big
that's going to happen to me,
and it is not with you.
What psychic?
Your 1-900 numbers you call?
First of all, Miss Theo
is a real psychic.
She knew exactly how I was
feeling before I told her.
- She understands me, Cody.
- She's just some woman
that lives in the ghetto
that gets you to pay 99 cents
a minute to be your friend
on the phone.
- And I pay for it.
- Ha! You pay for it?
- Oh...
- You don't pay for anything!
My hosting job is the only way
that we're able to pay for rent
around here,
which, by the way,
is a month behind!
OK, like you don't know this?
It's hard being a real estate
broker right now.
Yeah, let's talk about that.
You're a real estate agent.
I'm sorry, correction.
You were a real estate agent.
You wear a blazer.
A burgundy blazer!
You think the word "broker"
makes it sound like you're
on Wall Street or something.
You actually made
a fan of yourself. Awesome!
And to top it all off, I'm
embarrassed to even drive our
car to the grocery store
because you've got the entire
thing wrapped with your face!
- I was building a brand!
- Your brand reeks
of desperation, Cody!
What's next, a bus bench?
You're a bench.
Exactly.
That's exactly how I thought
you'd respond.
This video game rules your life.
We don't even have sex anymore
because you're in a bad mood
because you lost some stupid
clan match or something!
I'm beginning to think
that you're gay.
Damn!
Really? Now I'm gay?
Well, how should I know?
You have two friends!
One's a total slob
and the other one's
still hiding in the closet!
- I'm not a slob.
- So not gay.
I'm leaving you, Cody.
I'm leaving you
for real this time.
I found someone else.
Disaster!
I'll, uh, I'll send someone
to get Miss Kitty.
You feed her for a couple
of days, OK?
Goodbye, Cody. I hope your video
game can grow a vagina
and fulfill your fantasies.
Oh! That would be ideal.
- [door slams]
- Hell no, man! I cannot believe
we just lost to two kids.
Dude, we just heard everything.
Rematch! Let's play again.
I think... I think we've
probably... probably had enough.
Your wife... your wife
just left you.
[laughing] Ya'll some
sorry-ass gamers!
RumPull4Skinz, you just got
dropped like an atom bomb!
[laughing] I'll see you suckers
in LA.
The king is out. Peace!
We just lost to two
Dude, your wife just
left you and...
Forget her, man!
I'm done with this clan!
Cody, calm down, bro.
We know what we did wrong,
and we'll fix it before
Cyber Bowl, OK?
Cyber Bowl after this
performance? You
gotta be kidding me.
- Cody, we all agreed to go.
- I'm not going! Period!
Don't worry, guys.
Look, when he cools off,
I'll talk to him, and we're
gonna win this thing, man.
We're gonna be rich!
Baby, baby!
- We're gonna win that money!
- Papa needs that 100 grand
in prize money.
Get a new Coach purse.
[hip-hop plays]
Hey, what's going on, buddy?
Hey! Game broke,
I want my money back.
Uh, yeah, broke
in pieces, bro.
- Do you have disc protection?
- No.
- No? How about a receipt?
- No, no and no.
- No.
- No and no. I know, it's crazy.
Just blew up, so...
- It just blew...
- Yeah.
- It just blew up?
- I don't know what happened.
That's on you. You can
tell me what happened.
It's on me.
I see what's on me is
- there's like...
this is really busted.
- Yeah.
I can't even play it.
That's unplayable.
OK, well, I don't think
I can give you cash
or anything for that.
You... May I speak
to your manager, please?
- Oh, yeah, I'll go get him.
- Thank you.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Now if you're a manager,
you know that the customer
is always right. So...
I'm telling you that
the game shattered.
I'd like my money back.
All right, well,
the customer is always right...
- ...when he's right.
- I have an idea. Why don't you
take many of your fingers
and type many of these little
buttons here, take many mouses
or mice, take some many mice,
and many of these... beep,
boop... and get me my many
dollars back for the game
- that you broke.
- Yo, why don't I take many
of my fingers,
ball 'em up in a fist,
and break in your damn nose
and get blood all over
- your stupid-ass douche shirt.
- Douche shirt?
Why don't you see if those
big-ass wings can fly your ass
on out the door?
Shouldn't you be grappling
right now with some other men
on a mat?
Take your game.
Yo, man, you're scaring me.
I hate people, man.
Can you get out of here?
- Chris, I'm gonna take lunch.
- Uh, but I'm scheduled
to take my lunch first today.
OK, man,
I'll take my lunch second.
- It's good to be king.
- Come on.
[Andy] You think
she's coming back?
No, I don't.
That's a bummer, man.
I don't even deserve her.
It doesn't even matter.
Dude, you're wearing pajamas
at 1:00 in the afternoon.
You're like the poster child
for singles for life.
Dude, I'm the poster child
for screw-ups, man.
I think it's obvious now.
Dude, you don't have to
live like that, all right?
You know what? When life
throws you a curve ball, bro,
just throw a mod chip of life
in there and cheat it.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
- I'm talking about
being a champion,
using your God-given talent
to make it happen.
Be RumPull4Skinz-Skinz-Skinz!
You're talking about
the tournament, man. I know
what you're talking about.
- Why is it so important to you?
- It's not just important
to me, man.
It's important to all of us.
We all need this, bro. Everyone!
Hollywood needs a game
tournament? He's a famous actor.
Come on. We both know that
Hollywood is not a movie star.
He's a good gamer, though,
right? So we need him
for the tourney,
- whoever he is.
- [sighs]
I'm hungry, bro,
and I'm broke.
I need another taco.
- Really? Really?
- What do you want me
to do, man?
- All right, I got it.
- I have no job!
All right.
What the hell is that?
Holy crap!
You got a picture of Girlguns.
Don't be an asshole.
Her name is Ricki.
Oh, my God. You've been obsessed
with this chick ever
since Dreamcast.
And wait a minute, dude.
She was like ten back then.
You got a van with
no windows now or what?
Come on, you're disgusting.
She was ten. She's not anymore.
She can drink now, dude.
Which means... boom!
- [babbling]
- You want to go to LA
because of that chick.
- It has nothing to do
with the tournament.
- No.
We need this, bro.
You need this,
and that's just a bonus.
How in the hell do you
function in society, man?
You're like a six-foot-tall
can of vagina repellant.
My game is strong. Like bull.
Just tell me you'll go, bro.
I need this.
I cannot even believe that
I'm even contemplating this.
I'll give you half
my prize money.
I'm broke and you know it.
You have to pay for gas,
for food, hotels,
possibly Oliver's stuff.
Dude, you have to pay for it.
You got the job.
Yeah! We going
to Los Angeles! We are
gonna win this thing, bro!
[scatting]
Give me one right here, bro!
Give me one right here, bro!
Give me one right here, bro!
Give me one right here, bro!
All right.
All right, before we go,
remember, there's
only three days
until the Cyber Bowl
championships, right here
in Los Angeles.
And I gotta be honest,
from what I've seen,
this is shaping up to be
the biggest one ever.
There's competitors from all
over the globe. Like Singapore,
Canada, and they're all
coming here to compete
for a $400,000 prize.
And it's in a lot of
different games,
including Gears of War III.
But if that's not your speed,
you can go play one of the
coin-operated games.
Exercise your finger.
Now, who's gonna win
that big money prize?
There's only one way to find
out. You gotta tune in to
Exploited TV. I'm Adam Sessler.
- You're serious about this?
- You're damn right I'm serious.
[inhales, coughs]
- This is my comeback.
- OK, Greg, didn't we
talk about this?
Things have changed.
It's not 1984 anymore, bro.
This is a gift, man!
A second chance!
Coin-operated
tournaments are back?
I'm gonna get to settle
an old score, you know
what I'm saying?
- Frogger?
- Frogger!
Yeah! It's eluded me
all these years!
OK, Greg, I really think
you need to let this one go.
It's all about
online gaming these days.
Nobody plays coin-operated
games anymore.
They're dinosaurs!
- Dude, you are
the snowball king...
- Snow globe!
Whatever!
You're the king of LA!
The point is you're rich!
Blind rich!
Snort coke off a tit rich!
You don't owe anyone anything.
You know what?
Greg is dead, man.
- Armagreggon.
- Oh, boy.
Armagreggon is back!
And guess what?
I'm gonna show the world
that I'm the ultimate
gamer champion! Yeah, bro!
- Yeah!
- By killing your tree?
I gotta tell ya,
I think this is a mistake.
The last time you tried this,
and you failed,
your entire business almost
went down the drain.
Now, look. These console gamers,
they're playing for hundreds
of thousands of dollars.
Greg, your tourney pays, what?
A grand, maybe?
You are a
small-minded man, Jeff.
- You're thinking
only about money?
- I'm your business manager!
- It's my job!
- OK, but let me just tell you
something, it's about pride too!
Pride is sac, bro.
Don't look at my junk because
I'm a grower, not a shower.
But listen! What I'm trying
to tell you right now, man,
it's pride that gives the
competitive spirit its edge.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Pride didn't pay for a pool.
- [rock music plays]
- Pride didn't pay for a TV
on an antique table
by a pool!
Really?! All this money,
you have a cassette player?!
OK, well, you know what?
I don't think
this is a good idea.
As your manger, I'm going
on record saying that.
But you're gonna do
what you're gonna do.
Godspeed!
OK, you know what? Seriously!
- [shuts off music]
- What is all this?
What the hell are
you doing, Greg?
It's Armagreggon!
I told you Greg is no more.
Yeah! You know something?
I am gonna get in shape
for this tournament.
You need to have
the ultimate forearm strength
to play the way I play,
not like those little kids
and their little consoles
and their little stupid thumbs
where it doesn't take any...
any strength,
doesn't take any fortitude,
doesn't take any skill,
it's just...
[growls] I'm gonna show the
world how it's done, bro.
Don't you throw
a Shake Weight at me.
What the hell's that for?
Juicing, baby! Juicing!
Hey, turn my tunes
back on, please?
Come on! Come on, man.
Be a friend.
This is really important to me.
This is more important...
- [rock music plays]
- Good luck, Armagreggon!
- Yeah, baby.
- May the frogs be with you.
I like that.
[laughs]
You're a... Oh, man.
[Greg panting]
Yes, yes. We leave and we leave
early morning tomorrow.
- I'm so excited.
- Well, congratulations.
I'm really happy for you.
I know you guys have been
wanting to do this
for a long time.
Mm. I can't wait
to see you in LA.
Me, too. Maybe I can actually
make it through a couple rounds
with my girls.
Ah, come on, I feel like you
guys are gonna shock quite
a few people.
That's very sweet, but we
can't even compete with you.
Maybe you don't have to compete.
Maybe you can come back
to the Reign Clan.
Yeah. I wish I'd never left,
but, um, my girls need me now.
Plus, playing with
RumPull4Skinz gave me
panic attacks.
- [chuckles] I know, yes.
- Maybe if you make it here
in one piece, we can finally go
on that date we've talked
about for a couple of years.
[laughs]
I'm just kidding.
All right, Ricki,
you have a good night,
baby girl.
Sweet dreams, Andy.
See you in a few days.
[video game sound effects]
- [hip-hop plays]
- Yeah! Whoa! Yes!
Are you ready for the best
weekend of our lives, boy?!
Are you kidding me?
Man, come on.
Who's gonna have
a good, widdle time?
Cody's gonna have
a good, widdle time.
Oh, yes, he is.
Yes, he is!
If you do that again
at any time on this trip,
I'm turning us around.
Bro! You should be excited, man,
all right?
We're about to go to the
biggest, baddest, bestest
tournament in the world.
And we have a good chance
of winning.
- [car starts]
- Don't get your hopes up.
[Andy] I'm telling you,
we can do this!
- [electronic music plays]
- [Cody] What is that?
- [Andy] What is what?
- Those, man.
Um, what do you think
they are, bro?
Dude, really? You're gonna drive
across the country with flowers
in the car?
- Water, vase, come on, man.
- Dude, I got a sweet deal
from that hot chick at the kiosk
in the mall. I had to get 'em.
- Wow!
- What a deal, bro.
- Sounds like a good one.
- You know what I'm saying?
You don't mind if I
take a smell, do you?
- Oh, no, go for it, bro.
- Thank you.
- Like heaven, yes?
- Oh! Andy, those...
- Those are nice.
- You know what I'm saying,
dude?
- What are you doing, man?!
- You could just
buy 'em when we get there.
No, Los Angeles is a desert,
bro. They don't have flowers.
You are my wizard sleeve
You must say pretty please
I'm down on my knees
Give it a rub and a squeeze
- Say it
- [Andy] We're never gonna find
flowers in LA.
[Cody] Would you shut up
about your flowers?
You sound like Oliver.
- Damn! You look good.
- [car honking]
I would... I would do you.
No, I wouldn't.
- Yes, I would. You sexy SOB.
- [honking]
Oh! Oh... Oh...
OK, so this is who
you're gonna be
this whole entire trip?
Captain Dickhead?
Come on, man.
We're friends.
Please tell me you remember
what that term means.
I'm sorry, bro, but I'm
getting divorced. You know?
Divorced? It doesn't make you
happy, I can't be all like,
"Oh, man, everything's cool!"
I'm sorry, man. It must
be eating you up inside.
You didn't deserve the way
she left you, man.
- Thank you, bro. Appreciate it.
- I mean, come on.
I know, me, I know deep down,
beneath that prickish behavior
of yours,
you're just a guy
who needs love.
OK, man. Thank you.
And seriously, for her
to tell you that she's
leaving you
during a clan match
that she's going to bang
another dude, come on!
OK, man! Thank you! I get it.
You care.
Is that...?
Does he have lipstick on?
Road trip! Right? [laughs]
Party time! Sup, guys?
Road trip!
- [panting]
- You sure got a purty mouth!
- Oh, you do. [laughs]
- Calm down, man.
Before you think Andy wants you
to shine his pole, you might
wanna take a look in the mirror.
I got a zit or something?
[laughs] I had you guys going!
Yeah, going to put a lock
on the closet door.
Let's get going, bro.
- No, no...
- It's OK, bro. It's OK.
We know all about it.
He was in the closet
He was in the closet
[Greg] You.
You!
[grunts] Don't go
weak on me, man.
Don't go weak on me, man!
Stay focused.
You are the greatest gamer...
...in the world.
No. No.
You are the greatest gamer
in the universe!
Don't go weak. Stay strong!
Stay strong! Stay... Ow!
Stay strong!
Know what I hope?
I hope that one day
some unfriendly aliens
come and land on this planet
and they take it over,
and then when all else fails...
...all hope is gone,
they come to me...
...with my skills,
to rescue...
...all humanity.
That's my prayer.
That's my hope.
And that everyone...
...discovers...
...the essence that is me.
Armagreggon!
[grunting]
[man] This is my
game controller.
There are many game controllers
like it.
But this one is mine.
Without me,
my game controller is useless.
[hip-hop plays]
Without my game controller...
Dude, that's what I'm saying,
all right?
Some people still think
gamers are anti-social virgins.
They must have saw
your picture first.
I am serious, man.
We should be taken as serious
as professional athletes.
Yeah, dude. With like
a fat-ass house and five cars
in the driveway. That'd be sick!
- Exactly!
- All right, enough, man.
Just tell me how long
- until we get to the hotel.
- All right, we have...
...386 miles, which is...
about five and a half hours till
we get to Hollywood's house.
Wait a minute, what? Oh, damn,
what are you talking about?
What do you mean,
Hollywood's house?
We need him for the tourney,
he's in the clan,
- we gotta pick him up.
- You know I cannot stand
that guy, man.
And we gotta pick him up?
He annoys me.
Look, last week I called
and I think his wife answered.
- Oh! Did she sound hot?
- As if you would care, bro.
Yeah, bro, I would care! OK?
I will have you know
that I have spanked the bottom
out of a hoe or two... before.
All right, listen,
Dr. Spank The Bottom Out,
let me finish.
All right? So I called
and she was a little surprised
that we didn't know that
he had health conditions.
- He's got a health condition?
- Yeah, and it seems
pretty serious.
- They were at the hospital.
- Maybe... maybe that's why he
does not act anymore.
No, listen, she said, though,
she's very happy we're gonna
bring him to this tournament,
that this is probably
what the doctor ordered.
A little guy time.
A little... a little
fun in the sun, man.
So this'll be good.
This is ridiculous, man.
I'll pay, you pump.
- Oh!
- I mean the gas, Oliver.
- Fine, I'll do it.
- Oh.
I'll just stay in here.
Wait for you guys.
[bell dings]
[singing softly]
I'm down on my knees
[continues singing]
Don't you think you're a little
young to be drinking coffee?
I'm from New York, asshole.
Caffeine was in my
mother's breast milk.
Maybe you're a little young
to be cursing then.
Um, excuse me, Dr. Phil,
but I don't think anyone
asked you, did they?
Look, devil child, just grab
your little moo-moo juice
or whatever you need to make
that little babyccino,
and skip on out the door.
- [scoffs]
- [scoffs]
Guess Mommy didn't
love you enough.
I'll have you know
my mother and I
have a great relationship,
unlike yours, I'm sure.
First of all, what would you
know about my relationship
with my mother?
Do the puppets have a song
about therapy now or what?
Puppets are
for brain-dead children.
So don't condescend me as if I'm
some child still picking boogers
and sleeping in my own shit.
You're just a self-absorbed
prick that feels he can vomit
his thoughts and opinions
on anyone at any time.
And you're wrong.
- Self-absorbed?
- Yes. I assume
that's your picture
on the side of your car outside?
It's a self gratification tool
that somehow makes you feel
more important about yourself,
as if it's a billboard
or something.
Yeah, it's a car,
and it makes you look
like a douche.
- I was building a brand.
- Really? A brand?
That's how you justify that?
Since you felt the need to try
and sum up my life as a child
because of my interest in coffee
and obscenities, why don't you
give me a try to sum up yours?
I can tell by your personality
that Mommy didn't give you
enough attention.
Or you possibly stayed on the
nipple a year or two too long.
I think it's good. I think it
makes you look good, 'cause of
conditioner and stuff like that.
I'm trying, dude, 'cause,
you know, this is the first time
I'm gonna meet Ricki and...
- Oh, dude! No, no, no! Dude!
- Girl guns...
- Look what I got
for the friends!
- What did you get?
- What did you get? No way, bro!
- Right?
- Shirts for the tourney!
- Reign Clan!
This is awesome 'cause I know
all the other clans have shirts!
- Now we have shirts.
- We do.
You are awesome.
You are an idiot, bro!
R-E-I-G-N is "reign."
R-E-I-G-N is "reign."
Now we're the "Riegn" clan!
Hey, guys, check 'em out.
Here they come.
The "riegn" clan.
And by the tan line on your ring
finger, I assume that
you tried to marry someone
that reminded you
of your mother.
Go ahead and deny it,
but it's true, isn't it?
That sort of dysfunctional,
verbally abusive relationship
somehow gave you peace.
And those clothes you're wearing
are a cry for your yearning
to be young.
But those wrinkles tell me
a different story, don't they,
Peter Pan?
- Who are you?
- I'm your conscience.
And your life will only get
worse if you don't get a grip
on your anger issues.
This is gonna sound crazy,
but thank you.
I feel like
I needed to hear this.
You're welcome.
Can I have a hug?
Sure. Why not?
Come here.
[gasping]
Your daughter is amazing.
You... sick bastard!
Wait a minute, lady, I was
just talking to your daughter!
What are you doing?!
Call the cops!
Call the cops!
The police come soon! I know how
to make them come in one minute.
- [laughs] What are you doing?!
- Hi, 911?
I'm just your average,
white taxpayer.
I notice there's a commotion
going on at a gas station.
[shouting]
I believe in Jesus. All right.
I'll see you soon.
- Call the goddamn cops!
- Look at my bat!
It's gonna match your face!
- Bring your ball sack!
- So either you wrote down
the wrong word...
[screaming] Start the car!
Start the car!
- Whoa! Is that Cody?
- [shouting]
- Start the car!
- Get in the car!
Cody, what are you doing?!
Come on, get in the car!
Get your feet in!
- [Cody shouting]
- Get your feet in!
[all shouting]
Oh, my God! Just go!
- Making friends again, Cody?
- [shouting]
- Dude, what happened in there?
- Oh, my God, man! Oh!
It's like this little girl's
freaking mom shocked me
and sprayed me, bitch!
Why would she do that?
I just... We were hugging, man!
It was just like...
You were hugging a little girl?
Shut up, man!
It wasn't like that, you idiot!
- That's a new low.
- I know you're in pain, bro,
but there's no reason
to go gay bashing, all right?
You're a pedophile.
- What is a gay basher?
- He's gay bashing.
'Cause he's yelling at me?
That's gay bashing?
- I'm not gay!
- [Cody shouting]
[rock music plays]
I can't see anything.
What does his license plate say?
- It says "bug killer."
- There's a license plate?
- This is it, man.
- What if he's like
a pesticide guy, man?
Yeah, a pesticide guy, man,
with a Porsche
and a big-ass house.
And a two-million dollar house.
Come on.
You figure it out.
I can't see a house either.
- Well, you know what...
- Yo, yo. Somebody's coming
out of the house.
- [Cody] Oh, God!
- [Oliver] Is that him?
- [Andy] That's Hollywood, bro.
- [Oliver] That's him.
- We got it, we got it come on!
- Where are you...?
- Hollywood!
- Hey, hey! Get off of me, man!
Yes, man, this is awesome, bro.
You packed?
- Do we really have to have
dinner with your wife?
- What?
That's the dude
from Starship Troopers.
- Hollywood...
- Hey, back off.
You need to get a life.
That movie was 15 years ago.
Now get off my property.
Unless you got $30,
then I'll sign an autograph.
I just wanted to let you know,
real quick,
you are even more
handsome in real life.
All right, look, I got a
standing restraining order
against your kind.
- So back off.
- Dude, it's me! Pr3daTurD,
RumPull4Skinz, Fraggett.
- Dude, video games to the neck.
- I don't know you,
and if those are your nicknames,
you need to back off
five more feet.
Wait a minute, man,
we've been playing games
with you for three years.
You're Hollywood,
we're here at this address,
see you, it's your car,
your dumb-ass license plate.
[laughs] You're talking
about Julie's kid.
Who is Julie
and who is her kid?
Julie's my girlfriend,
and her kid is this kid
that plays video games
all night talking to himself,
or maybe he's talking to you
idiots, I don't know.
- Makes sense now.
- I'm gonna kill you, man.
Hey, at least he was telling
half the truth.
I mean, it's Casper...
He isn't telling us anything,
man! You made us drive out here!
Why don't you go in
and find out? Go ahead.
Ring the doorbell.
Look, let's go see,
maybe the kid's a big...
- He's awesome.
- On a side note,
I gotta tell you,
you are aging just wonderfully.
Come on, Fraggett.
Hm... pretty cute.
- Don't, don't, no, no, no!
- Don't, don't what?
Let's just get in the car
and go. Let's go.
What are we here for?
What are we here, with that?
Let's get out of here.
We don't even know what's
on the other side of the door.
I actually agree with him.
We can find somebody
at the tournament to take
his spot. Not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
No one knows our game plan, bro.
No one like Hollywood, right?
So, kid or not,
we need the money,
we all need to be there.
You don't even know what's
on the other side of that door.
We don't, but we know
there's a good player behind
the other side of that door.
Yeah, I'm with him for once.
I think we should just go.
- Yeah, we should get going.
- Let's just go. Thank you.
- Oh, oops! I did it!
- [doorbell rings]
Sorry, I rang the bell.
Come on, we gotta wait and see.
I'm curious now at least.
- What's up, fellas?
- Are you happy? He's dying.
- Let's go.
- Wait, come on.
That's a little extreme.
He's not dying.
- Cody, I'm cool.
- He's cool.
He's not dying, he's cool.
Come on in, my brothers.
Let's go, I got some...
I got some stuff for you.
He invited us in, dude. Come on.
Voila!
Here's to the Reign Clan.
Cheers.
Cheers.
- I don't like mac and cheese.
- You just have this.
It keeps you nice and strong.
And you are a Hollywood actor.
Was an actor.
What is it you do, like, now?
He works nights in the shipyard.
I'm sorry, isn't Utah
a landlocked state, though?
No, Oliver, he probably wears
all that cologne in case,
you know, you get lost
at the shipyard at night. Right?
I don't like that he works
seven nights a week,
but it's his passion.
And besides, I have
a wonderful dildo.
- [coughs]
- [laughs]
How long have you been together?
Almost five years, right,
Casper? Cheers, my darling.
Are you, um... are you guys
getting all excited about
your little watchamacallit
competition?
Oh, Miss T, it's not a little
competition, it's the biggest
online gaming tournament
in the world.
Little man could come back
with $100,000.
Well, you know, it's not
really the money that
we're concerned about.
Wait a minute.
I mean, obviously you got
a nice house.
But money's not
important at all?
[laughs] Clarence's asshole
daddy dropped a big wad on us
when he dumped us in Vegas.
- Big wad.
- Uh...
Clarence's asshole daddy
dropped a big wad on her.
- I know.
- I get it, dude.
You're popping the little dude's
mom. You sly dog, man.
I mean, I'm not with you
on your choice of chicks,
but I feel you.
- Give it up. Go ahead.
- [Andy] So...
...what did you do in Las Vegas?
I was a cocktail waitress
at the Sun Desert Hotel.
That was when I got pregnant
with Clarence.
So, uh, what's going on with
that, Hollywood? Are you OK?
Oh, yeah. I just
have this rare form of asthma
when I get nervous or excited,
you know, I could have
an asthma attack
that could...
that could kill me.
But, um, I have to have
the tanks with me all the time.
Thanks for the babysitting
thing you got me into.
It's all good, my brother.
You know?
Hollywood's still macking chicks
on the reg.
Honey, I gotta get out of here.
Good night, my prince.
Oh...
Guys... Mom.
Um, not in front of the boy.
Mom, your tits
are in my face.
- Lucky you.
- OK.
- You know, we should get going.
- We should get going.
- You wanna play
that tournament?
- You know what?
We should get going.
- We got a long trip.
- I'm gonna miss you, honey.
- Oh, baby, be careful.
- Come on, Mom.
- Not in front of my homies.
- Oh, I just don't want you
to die before you're 18
'cause your dad will cut off
child support.
- I know, you told me.
- I love you, baby.
Give Mommy a little hit.
Don't waste it, I need it.
- That was huge.
- Now just a little kiss.
- A little one.
- OK. Bye, Mom.
OK, get in.
Get you in. OK.
Hands, hands.
I'm trusting you
with my baby.
It's one of my best treasures.
Even more than my toe rings.
And you should
bring him back alive.
Look, lady, I'd love
to take care of your it,
but we're driving
all the way to LA.
So I expect to be drunk
and knee-deep in midgets
and hookers by, what, noon?
This guy is who you want
to take care of your kid.
- You...
- I got him, Miss T. I got him.
Clarence, wear a condom.
- Wear two condoms!
- Don't worry, I've been tested!
- One can break.
- I've been tested.
You never know!
You never know!
Have them by your bedside!
Wear at least one! Bye!
You're one of my
best treasures!
Clarence!
Be careful!
- Traveling alone, sir?
- Why?
- Looking for a date, big mama?
- I think you're a little too
young to be traveling alone.
Oh, you're one of those,
aren't you?
- I beg your pardon?
- I thought we was
past this stuff.
Especially since we now have a
black president of the Divided
States of America.
- I'm sorry, sir. It's just...
- Short and black? Huh?
- You from Mississippi?
- No, Wyoming.
Let me guess. You must have
a chart in that computer
- labeled
"the Rosa Parks section."
- No...
I guess the next thing you're
gonna tell me is I have to sit
in the back of the plane too!
- No...
- This airline
is racially profiling!
I will not get my last wish
from the foundation for my
terminally ill disease
'cause of the color of my skin
is going to keep me
from getting on this plane!
You're all set, sir.
Gate C-42.
And thank you
for riding Deeznuhtz.
Exactly.
I'm from Wyoming.
- [hip-hop plays]
- It's not your hate
for the player
Or your hate for the game
You just hate the high score
When it's next to my name
OG, original gamer
OG, original gamer
Bring your best game
controller, bring some
extra men
Bring a book of cheat codes
But I'm still gonna win
OG, original gamer
[Oliver] If you had gone with
me, then it wouldn't
be spelled wrong.
[Andy] But wait, I don't
understand how anyone...
[Clarence] Guys, I think
it's breastfeeding time.
- Hi.
- Whoa, man.
[indistinct chatter]
You're not usually good
at catching stuff.
Except for STDs.
- [laughing]
- Wait, guys!
Guys, huddle up. Come on.
Come on, come on, huddle up.
This is it, bro.
All right? When we walk
through those doors,
we are gonna carry ourselves
as Gears of War champions.
Nothing more, nothing less, man.
We're gonna do it!
- Today's just registration.
- Shut up, Hollywood!
All right, listen.
For the next two days,
we're gonna be teaming up
against dudes
we are gonna spank.
We're gonna do this,
we're champions,
we're gonna win $100,000
a piece, that is.
- Amen to that.
- Let's do this!
Let's get some ass!
[shouting]
[hip-hop plays]
Guys! Guys, I'm...
Is this what we gotta
deal with all weekend?
- We might wanna help him.
- [grunting] Oh, shit!
You're turning violet, Violet.
Ooh! Willy Wonka,
that was nice.
- Wasn't it, though?
- Little bit of help, idiots!
What are you doing, man?
Push the down button!
Let him down. I got you.
Oliver, that's what you've been
waiting for your whole life.
Why are you judging me?
Don't judge me. We helped him.
- Guys!
- Let's get him up.
- Thanks, guys.
- I smell nuts!
I got you.
- [hip-hop plays]
- [indistinct chatter]
- Watch out. Sorry.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Move out of the way.
Hope you got
my papers in there.
Funny. Team name?
Black Assassins.
All right.
Four. There you go.
Good luck at the
tournament, boys.
- You too, sir.
- Yeah.
Old Gramps here has been lying
to us for over two years,
saying he's only a couple
of years older than us.
Yeah, whatever.
Come on, Gramps.
Excuse me. Out the way.
- You're wearing glasses.
- Yo, Chomama.
- Look at these chumps.
- Now what do we have here?
I don't know, what?
Bebe's Kids?
I got your Bebe Kids
right here.
And I bet it's the size
of a baby's too.
- Score!
- Face.
You chumps ready to fall in
front of the whole world?
Why don't you just wait and see.
OK? We didn't want to give
you guys our game plan,
but we got some secrets we
haven't even shown you yet.
So...
Like what? You got a scuba diver
who's gonna wave his way
into the game?
- [laughter]
- No, that wouldn't
be a scuba diver.
This would be Hollywood,
the famous actor.
The dude from Starship Troopers?
In the flesh.
You want his autograph?
- Hell no.
- What's up with Old Man Winter?
Yeah, we got one
in the woodpile, too.
We gotta get a handle on knowing
who's on the other side of the
controller.
Yeah, for once,
I agree with you.
Well, ladies, we'd love
to stay and chat,
but we gotta do an interview,
so peace,
hair grease and deuces.
Someone should ask him if his
mother didn't love him enough.
Mm-mm. I'm not touching
that one again.
Touch? What are you gonna touch?
What's that supposed to mean?
- [elevator dings]
- [pop music plays]
Come on, and open the door.
[muffled music plays
on headphones]
Yeah, I don't need you anyway.
Watch it! Joe Dirt!
Yo, bro.
[clears throat]
What is this, a line?
[babbling] Is this a line?
- Hey!
- Hey, man, how's it going?
Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Greg?
- What?
Is this the Greg
"Armagreggon" Lipstein?
- Ha. Yeah, man.
- [laughs] Look at you!
- You look great!
- [laughs] OK.
- Just like I remember.
- Huh?
- All right.
- Yeah, listen.
- It's me!
- Look, it's good, man.
I don't wanna sign anything.
I gotta get in line here
and do this thing, so...
No, no, no! It's me!
It's me, Martin Wilson.
- Your old referee.
- Martin.
- Wilson.
- Wilson.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah... [laughs]
- OK.
- So, hey, gonna be playing
in the Gears tourney?
Oh, no, man.
I'm, you know, I'm...
I'm not in that thumb crap.
No, man.
I got an old score to settle
in coin-op, so...
Oh! Frogger!
- Yeah.
- [laughs]
- Frogger.
- Oh, boy!
You betcha! This is gonna be the
best championship in years!
- Right on.
- But Greg, you, my friend,
are in the wrong line.
Coin-operated tournament signups
are over here. Come on.
Follow me.
Yeah, well, I must be
in the wrong line then.
- Right here.
- OK.
Greg, this is Molly.
- And Molly's gonna
get you signed up.
- Hey, Molly.
So... just gotta tell you,
it was great running into you.
And I really look forward
to watching you play again.
- Huh?
- OK.
I gotta go take care
of some... qualifying stuff
with the actual competition.
But listen.
I'm also gonna be there
at yours as well. So
I'm gonna see you soon, huh?
- Yeah. OK.
- Alrighty! Good to see you.
- OK.
- Have fun.
Your name, son?
- Armagreggon.
- What?
- Armagreggon!
- Arm & Hammer?
- No, it's...
- Just your name, son.
That's all I need.
- Just your name.
- Greg.
- Glen.
- Yeah.
- It's Glen.
- Alrighty.
There you go.
And inside this file
is your schedule and the coupon
for the buffet.
Good luck, Frank.
[Cody] We just registered
for Cyber Bowl.
You talked me into it.
It's gonna be good, bro.
You should be... Ooh!
What are you doing?
Fidgeting like a child.
I'm sorry. All right?
I'm a wreck, man.
It's the first time
we're gonna meet in real life.
- You need another shot, bro.
- Yes, please.
-Propofol.
- [snickers]
- Don't make fun of me.
- Just sit tight, Billy Jean.
I got you.
- Two Jagers and a wuwu.
- Yeah.
Wuwu! What the hell's a wuwu?
- Me?
- Is that some
kind of fruity drink?
- [laughs]
- [imitates laugh]
Well, Gary, if you must know,
the drink that was invented
long after those shoes
and that turtleneck
went out of style.
That's the funny thing
about style.
It goes in circles.
That's an awesome comeback.
Good for you, buddy.
Hey, your dad's...
Here, drink these, man. Come on.
Thank you. Let's say
this is to being here
and winning the
whole damn thing.
About as cocky
as I imagined you'd be.
- You serious with this?
- Hi, Andy.
I remember the first time
I had a girlfriend.
I'm gonna get new ones.
I'm sorry. You want one?
I'd love one, thank you.
- Get her a Shirley Temple.
- Unlike your IQ,
- I'm actually over 21.
- Actually, my wife left me,
so why don't you just dump
- some salt in the wounds there.
- Oh, cry me a river.
How about I throw you in one?
Speaking of that,
why don't I ask you what your
intentions are.
My intentions
are none of your business.
With Andy? Oh,
I believe they are.
OK. I stand by it.
My intentions are none
of your business.
But I have two reasons
for being here.
I wanna win this tournament,
and I wanna spend time
with Andy. I like him.
- You really like him?
- Yeah, I like him.
I think he's sexy.
Jesus, I don't know.
She's making me nervous.
Got this girl. Wait!
No way! Armagreggon?
Greg "Armagreggon" Lipstein?
- Do I know you?
- Hells yes, you know me!
Well, no, I know you.
Well, I don't know you,
but I know who you are, dude.
You are Armagreggon, the legend!
You are awesome, man!
I cannot believe this!
What are you doing here?
- Man, I'm competing.
- Get the... you...
- You play Gears of War?
- [scoffs] No.
Man, I'm here for
the Frogger championship.
- Boom!
- Frog... Duh!
I used to...
I used to jerk off to you.
- Did you?
- I'm telling you.
Do you wanna...
Do you wanna come over to me
and my friends and have
a drink, man? I really...
- Let me ask you a question.
- What?
You're not
still jerking off, are you?
Well, no. I mean, now,
I might have a lady.
- She like older guys?
- I love your mullet, bro.
- Thanks, man.
- You know what?
Can we go over...
Will you please come have a
drink with me and my friends?
- Why not?
- Listen, I don't know
what you're ruse is,
but I know this.
If you try and use your vajayjay
to screw up this tournament,
mm-hm, whatever you wanna
call it, your muffin..
- This is...
- Awesome.
...Greg "Armagreggon" Lipstein,
man. The legend!
- Along with its clothes.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- He has won every...
- What's up, brother?
- ...'80s school, Q-bert,
Donkey Kong, ever award
you could think of.
[rock music plays]
Strung out
Headed for the road
Got no more to be found
Got nowhere to run...
That's how I started my
business. I'm not...
Uh, you know, look.
That's my business.
And it's...
Greg Lipstein, CEO,
Snow Globe Kings.
"When you think of snowballing,
think of me."
Wow. That's an
excellent card, Greg.
- Cheers.
- That's what I'm talking about.
But it's all different now,
you know? Games...
The whole...
the whole thing's all...
Yeah, but man,
you were a legend.
Well, I miss the recognition.
But not really.
I mostly just miss the poontang.
Back in the day,
my mustache looked like
a glazed donut.
- Good for you.
- Yeah.
There was this one place,
the Sun Desert Lodge
in Las Vegas,
I banged everything.
Cocktail waitresses, maids...
- I've heard of the place.
- Jeez...
You wouldn't know
a Julie Theodore, right?
She used to work at the Sun
Desert Lodge or Inn,
whatever you called it.
[coughs]
You all right?
Here, take a drink.
- No, no, I don't...
- Who are you talk...
Who are you?
I am not... your daddy.
- Yeah, no kidding, man.
Thank you.
- No.
I know. Thank you.
Uh-uh. No, bro.
You got asthma, bro?
Thanks for the drink.
Hollywood, I might have just
found your daddy.
[hip-hop plays]
Welcome back. I'm Adam Sessler
and you're watching
Exploited TV's exclusive
live coverage of day one of
the Cyber Bowl championships.
I gotta say, this is shaping up
to be incredible.
All of the four top
Gears of War III teams
are here, in Los Angeles.
And we're just waiting to figure
out who's gonna be the winner.
And speaking of winners,
we are joined by 17-year-old
Sebastian Johnson,
who, if you ask me,
looks nothing like 17.
Yeah, but no one asked you.
Speaking of the top ranked
teams, you're number one
in the latest Gears poll,
coming into the tournament.
Is that gonna be changing up
your strategy?
Strategy?
I kill mother...
OK, you can't do that.
Can't do what? I been killing
mother... ever since Gear I.
- You were like five back then.
- You were old back then.
All right, you know what?
Best of luck, little man.
- Little man?
- All right, if you want more
of the Cyber Bowl championships,
you know what to do.
Keep tuning into Exploited TV,
right here in Los Angeles.
Oh, my God. I can't do this.
[man] What up, gamers?
Brian "Bankrupt" Simmons here,
podcasting live from
the Cyber Bowl's championships
in Los Angeles, California.
This is it. No more trash
talking, no more teabagging
behind your firewalls.
This is face-to-face
tournament action.
I'm gonna be bringing you
all the play-by-plays
all day long.
And we got the top teams
in the nation.
We have Black Assassins, Killa
Klownz, Optic and Liquid.
- It's going down.
- Who's the girl now, huh?
- Nice.
- Come on!
- You don't want none!
- Right side, right side!
- Two shot, two shot!
- Yeah!
[Brian] This tournament
is full throttle now.
No one's safe,
not even the top seeds.
- Is your mama mad at you?
- Old School Killers out!
God, you move so friggin slow.
Dead Presidents, out!
And the second-ranked team
of the tournament, War Pigs,
are already packing their bags,
bye-bye, piggies!
Ready for the bounce
Sorry that you came, man
Sorry that you lost
I'm a give my all
No matter what the cost
'Cause I gotta
win, win, win
Headed, headed for the gold
I'm a bring the heat, man
I'm a bring the stove
You could bring it hard
or you could bring it bold
But I'm gonna
win, win, win...
Really? Out of all these teams,
we play these dudes first.
- Karma, bro. Karma.
- I don't care what it is.
- I'm going to get a drink.
- Hurry up, man.
We got five minutes.
- What's Cody's problem?
- It's Acid Reign.
They were in our clan
back before you were.
- So, what happened?
- Get this, dude.
Cody threw 'em out
for having a bad attitude.
[laughs] What? That's like the
pot calling the kettle black...
- You had it.
- So why is he so mad?
I don't know if he's mad
or if he's scared.
- Scared?
- Yeah, uh, Anthrax told him
that if he ever met him
in real life that he
would stab him in the face.
What? Oh, dude, that's classic.
Which one's Anthrax?
Um... don't!
See the guy shaving his head?
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah. That would be him.
Oh, my god...
He's looking right at me.
Don't look he's gonna kill us,
bro!
- [gasping] He's gonna kill us.
- You can't show fear.
He can smell fear.
So we need to pull it back.
Pull it in. Not... Don't sit
down in the middle of the floor.
OK, he's still looking.
Hold on, he might
be checking me out.
- Might be?
- He's not checking me out.
You might wanna
have sex with him.
Next game up is Acid Reign
versus the "Riegn" clan.
What the hell is that? Do you
know what the "Riegn" clan is?
Whatever.
OK, players.
Let's keep it clean out there.
- No foul language...
- I'm gonna kill you.
Uh, no mocking of making fun
of the other team.
And if there are no further
questions, then let's get it on!
- Hollywood.
- Yes?
- Get over here, man.
- [Brian] Right out the gate,
it appears that Acid Reign
is taking it
to Reign Clan member Fraggett.
- I'm dead.
- He's gone!
- He just...
- Come on, man!
I'm about to get this guy.
Here we go, here we go.
Hollywood eats
a grenade compliments
of Mr. Acid himself.
Every one of you guys are dead?
- Go...
- Oh!
- Damn it!
- RumPull4Skinz just got
jacked in the face!
I'll talk to him.
RumPull, where you going?
Move. Move.
- This is embarrassing, man.
- What the hell? It's only
the first game!
Come on, man!
We suck and you know it!
You dragged me out here, man.
This is ridiculous! I told you
this was gonna happen!
Look, maybe we suck,
but you don't, man.
We rushed in too far,
we got grenaded.
Look, we could do this
- if you'd just play...
- You got a game plan now?
What, like eighth grade
when you made us get in that
damn breakdancing competition?
Bro, we look stupid, man!
Look at this! You made me drive
across the country in a car
with my face on it!
I don't even work
for that company anymore!
- Are you done?
- I'm tired of listening to you.
It's been too many years.
- Let's go back. Breakdancing?
- I'm done.
- Didn't we win that shit?
- There was nobody else
- in the freaking competition!
- It doesn't matter!
We still won! Didn't we?
And we can win this, man,
you need to prove it to yourself
and to that escaped convict.
And look, the convict's
violating Hollywood's headpiece.
[screaming]
And you don't wanna drive around
that car anymore, do you?
Maybe we can get some
sponsorship, you can drive
around in a Mini Coop
with some, like, 22s
and, like, the Gears logo
with the gun and me.
You always got it figured out,
don't you?
- I try. Come on...
- If we lose this shit, man,
- you're walking home.
I'm telling you.
- Fair enough.
- Let's do this, Reign ho.
- You're a ho.
Get out here. Come on.
Wow! After a very, very
intense lovers' scuffle,
seems like the Reign Clan
members are gonna stick around
and continue the match.
Nobody leaves a spar.
I got this.
- All right, go.
- Stay to the left.
Oh! I'm gonna chainsaw his
bung piece!
- I got him in the bung piece!
- [Brian] Wow, the Reign Clan
is on a mission now.
RumPull4Skinz is methodically
weaving his way
through the match.
We got a one-one tie
in the best of three match.
That's what I'm talking about.
Once again, RumPull4Skinz looks
like a man possessed,
- continuing to dominate.
- Come on! They're closing in.
They have Acid Reign team
up against the ropes. Whoa!
The kid just fragged Mr. Acid
on his own team!
- Get him! Get him!
- [cheering]
Reign team wins!
They will be moving on.
You stupid ass!
You just killed me!
- [shouting]
- I'm sorry, bro.
You're sorry?
What are you talking about?
That's what I'm talking about!
- Yo, yo, yo!
- [grunting]
Get off me! Get off me,
you monster! Get off me!
- Ooh!
- [Mr. Acid] Cody!
Don't have to worry about him
killing you before
the tourney's over now.
That's a good thing.
That's what I'm talking about!
- Let's get out of here.
- Let's go.
- I'm gonna kill you, Cody!
- [Brian] Oh!
How often do you see that?
Two white guys get thrown out
and the black guy's still here.
I love this game.
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
My grenade is so
far up your ass.
The two biggest surprises
of the day, the Pixies
and Reign Clan.
They advanced through
some tough competition,
and they deserve
to get some rest.
The bank is closed,
we'll see you tomorrow.
- [hip-hop plays]
- Let me see your hands up
in the air
You ever thought of greasing
those wheels, Hollywood?
Tried it.
It doesn't work.
- Mind if I sit with you?
- You know,
I never thought I'd say this,
but yes. You can sit with me.
We really did it today, huh?
We made it to the final eight.
We did, man.
It's because of you.
I gotta disagree, Mr. Wood.
I think you proved that even
though you look like a retard
pulling around a Scud missile,
you can play with the big boys.
Thanks, man. That means
a lot coming from you.
Oh! That masseuse
was to die for.
[laughs] Feel like a new man.
- That's a first.
- [laughs]
Oh, that's... that's awesome.
I'm gone for like two seconds,
and you've taught him to be you.
That's great.
Just a complete douche.
- Wait, where's Andy?
- I think he's getting ready
for his big date.
- [Cody] Mm.
- Yeah.
[muttering]
Yeah!
Oh, shit. Now I smell like...
a flower.
It looks like I have
cheese on my mouth.
Hi, Ricki. Hi, Ricki. No.
Should I call her by her
gamer tag. Hello, Girlgunz.
Stupid. Hi, Ricki.
Ah! Dah!
I'm gonna hit that!
No, wait, that's rude.
After you.
After you. That sounds genuine.
I'm a gentleman.
Hello, Ricki.
Hi, Ricki! Ricki! No.
Hey, what's up, Ricki? No.
Hey, Ricki! Ricki!
She's coming in,
she's walking through the door,
we're sitting, waitin',
I see her walk up.
Oh, hey! Yeah, I loved
playing with you!
We're good...
we're a good team.
No, we're not on the same team.
And I always kill her.
I'm better than her.
I shouldn't be
going out with her.
Yes, I should.
I think I love her.
OK, this is it, man.
I'm gonna get that.
Yah! Dah!
[shouting]
To the butt, to the butt.
Let's do it.
[hip-hop plays]
Getting naked
Getting, getting naked
Crazy, getting naked
Getting, getting naked
Getting naked
Getting, getting naked
Getting naked
Getting, getting naked
Getting naked
Getting, getting naked
Sitting down
like you in a bus stop
Lick you up and down then
taste you like a lollipop
Everybody like it
when I hit the spot
Legendary with my freakin'
when I let it pop
- Yes. Oh!
- Hi, lovely.
- Look what I got you.
- Thank you.
You look very handsome.
- Shall we?
- Yeah.
- [pop music plays]
- You are my wizard sleeve
You must say pretty please
I'm down on my knees
Give it a rub and a squeeze
Rub up and squeeze
Rub, rub and squeeze
Rub and squeeze
Rub, rub and squeeze
- Let me hear you now!
- Rub and squeeze
- Rub...
- All right, I got it.
I've got it. We played well.
I am taking us
to a strip club.
What?! Yes! Oh!
I am so down with that!
- What? What?
- [laughter]
No! Come on! No, seriously,
we're not gonna do this again.
Yes, yeah, I wanna
go see some breasts.
- [laughing]
- Guys, guys.
I'm... I'm 17. I don't...
How am I gonna get in?
You guys can just leave me
at IHOP or something,
that's cool.
What are you guys,
a couple of altar boys? You
never snuck in anywhere?
- Come on, man.
- My mom's room.
I'm sure there's a story there,
but I got this.
All right? I will get us in.
Just let me handle it.
- [music plays]
- Rub and squeeze
- Rub, rub and squeeze
-Let me hear you now!
Rub and squeeze
Rub, rub...
Um, so... [laughs]
Lord of the Rings Trilogy,
for sure,
is like the Star Wars trilogy
of my generation.
Yeah, no. I'm pretty sure the
Star Wartrilogy is still
the Star Wars trilogy
- of your generation.
- That's not very nice.
[laughs] Well, you're lucky
I like older men.
- Especially gamers.
- We are pretty hot, aren't we?
I mean, we get to sit around
one place,
constantly, right,
with our awesome diets,
which consists of, you know,
I don't know potato chips
for vegetables,
and protein from beef jerky.
And then the awesome bags
of candy
- for the flawless complexion.
- Mm.
Right? I would say we're like
ripped cyber... athletes.
- Right?
- I knew I'd like you as much
in person as I did in the game.
- You make me laugh.
- Why wouldn't I? I mean...
- Is your dinner delicious?
- Yes. Thank you.
- Here's your coffee.
- Awesome. He's delicious.
Not really, but anyway, um,
so what would you do
if you won the $100,000
in the tournament?
Look, fat chance
of that happening.
- I think it's possible.
- I guess I'd get
my parents' house back.
Wait, back? What happened
with the house?
Let's just say the economy
hasn't been that good
to my family.
- Sorry to hear that.
- So, um...
I don't know wanna
talk about it.
- Yeah, neither do I.
- Sad story,
and we're on a date,
so we should be...
- ...about happy things.
- What do you wanna do now?
[dance music plays]
[Cody] All right, be cool.
We got this.
- Not gonna work.
- Yeah, Cody, let's just
get out of here.
In the car you were all about
some naked ladies, man,
and Hollywood hasn't seen vagina
since the one that popped
his wheezing ass out. Chill!
I've got this.
Sup, man? Uh, listen,
this guy over here is...
- What do you think he's doing?
- I have no idea.
I'm going to jail, man.
I'm going to jail.
And I'm gonna get raped
by a 300-pound ass pirate
named Buford.
And that's a bad thing?
Yeah, no, that's a totally...
That's bad.
That's like the worst
thing you could do.
I got three coming in.
Thanks, man.
Thanks, man.
Come on!
I just want you to know
that I admire your courage,
little man. Come in.
- This is awesome!
- [dance music plays]
I'm a get down
and shake my ass
I'm a get down and
shake my ass
Hey, guys. Come on in.
- What'd you tell him?
- I told him you had AIDS
and you were gonna sneeze in his
face if he didn't let you in.
What? All these hot naked chicks
and they think I got AIDS?
I told him you were dying.
Now just shut up
and sit down, man.
- Enjoy yourself.
- Can I get you anything?
- Three wuwus.
- [dance music continues]
On the door she's all on me
Let's go back to the room
Donkey-donk, shake your ass
Then go back to the room
G-G-D-A-K-A
Girl get down on the tune
Girl get down
Shake your ass
Then go back to the room
Thank you!
I know he can see
I'm into him
I can tell he wants me too
On the dancefloor I'm into
him, he's done it too
Onto him on the dancefloor
He's turning too
- I'm a get down to my ass
- I gotta get out of here.
Take care of him.
Put him onstage or something.
- What's his problem?
- I have no idea.
Girl, get down
Shake your ass
[laughs] He's probably blowing
the bouncer for letting you in.
You think that's what
he's doing? You think...?
He's probably not.
No, he's not.
Shake it harder, girl
Get down, shake it harder
I'm a get down
Shake it harder
Sup, dude? Um...
It's my friend's birthday.
I was wondering if maybe
we can get him onstage.
- Hollywood.
- Hollywood?
Yeah.
Is this cashmere?
This is totally cashmere.
You don't have to play me.
[DJ] I need all the dancers
to head to the centerstage.
We've got a special guest
tonight, and it's his birthday.
I need Hollywood to report
to the centerstage.
I repeat, Hollywood,
get your ass on the stage.
- [hip-hop plays]
- I know she a freak 'cause
she like it from the back
And the booty goes clap
The booty goes clap
Dancing in the front
and I'm dancing in the back
Get it, Hollywood!
Get it, Hollywood!
[grunting]
'Cause she like it
from the back
The booty go clap
It's your birthday!
It's your birthday!
But it's not, but it is.
Right? Boom!
This is the greatest
night of my life!
I want some titties,
but I don't. But I do.
[DJ] Come on out, Milkshake,
and show Hollywood
a real good time.
Get it, girl!
Oh, a milkshake is coming!
[booming]
Milkshake is coming.
Milkshake is coming. Oh!
Yes! Waiting for it!
Yeah!
That's my baby girl!
Get it! Get it! Right?
Yeah! Uh!
Uh, no! Uh! [laughs]
Right in the crack.
Watch out, Hollywood!
She's coming for you!
Don't worry, baby. It's only
gonna hurt a little.
[Oliver] She's gonna hurt you?
Here we go.
[whimpering]
[Oliver laughing]
Right in the crack.
Right in the crack, girl.
Get it! Get it!
- [whimpering]
- Get it!
Who's the boss?
Who's the boss?
You're the boss.
This is your company.
You're managing this. Right?
That's what I'm talking about.
What's up? You wanna touch it?
Go ahead, give me the love.
Oh, give me the love.
- I know, I see you. Hi! Hi!
- [gasping]
What? Boobies?
All up in your mouth.
[gasping]
Hollywood? What are you doing?
Hollywood! Back up!
Milkshake, please back up!
Milkshake, please!
Hollywood! Breathe!
Can you breathe?
Can you breathe!
Why is nobody helping?!
It's not a show!
Hollywood, come on, buddy!
Breathe for me!
Your eyes are rolling back.
Is this pleasurable?
What are you doing?
Help us!
Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am!
Call 911! Ma'am! Ma'am?
[Oliver] Cody! Cody!
Cody! Cody!
Milkshake killed Hollywood, bro!
- Cody!
- Oh, my God!
Did I kill the baby?!
Oh, my God!
Milkshake don't kill!
Did I kill the baby?!
Oh, my God!
I've had a great time tonight.
As did I. I mean, finally
we got a little face to face
time together, right?
I agree. It's been good to
finally spend some time
with you.
- It has.
- [cell phone ringtone plays]
- I'm sorry, is that Cody again?
- So annoying.
That's four times in five
minutes. Maybe you
should answer it.
Should I? All right,
he probably just wants
to have a drink or something.
Dude, this better be good.
All right? I was about
to get to first base.
What? Hollywood's dead?
What are you talking...
All right, all right.
I'm on my way, I'm on my way.
I gotta go. Hollywood...
Something happened to him.
- Well, I'm coming with you.
- Fair enough. Let's do it.
[muffled hip-hop plays]
Just tell me
he's gonna be all right.
Mr. Theodore's gonna be fine.
- Who's Mr. Theodore?
- It's Hollywood, you idiot.
We're gonna need to probably
keep him for 24 hours.
Wait, but if he's gonna be fine,
then why can't we just
take him right now?
If one of you guys was
like a parent or guardian,
we could probably bend them
and keep him for 12,
but since you're not,
we're gonna have to take him.
The tourney starts
in 12 hours exactly.
But that ain't really
gonna help us because his
mother's two states away.
- You know?
- Sorry, guys.
Wish we could help you guys.
You know what?
What are we gonna do, dude?
All this work, all this time,
we were close.
I'm gonna be honest,
I took the entire week off
at the shoe store.
I don't have time for this.
- What do you think...
- Whoa, whoa, ma'am!
What are you...?
- Why is she talking
her clothes off?
- I'm running interference.
Do me a favor.
Please go get them again.
- [mumbles]
- Do what she said.
Hurry up! Thank you.
- Um, you're doctors, right?
- Uh, EMTs.
Same thing? OK, good.
I have a problem. I'm worried
that this mole is cancerous.
It's... let me see.
It was purple.
It's now brown.
That's a bad thing, right?
I got a tattoo on top of it.
I was worried about it.
- Can we see it again?
- Yeah.
Does that look cancerous? Wait.
Where'd it go?
- Clarence?
- It's Clarence.
Look, man, you know,
back in the day, you know,
I was doing my thing.
- I wasn't really ready...
- No, no, no. You don't owe me
an explanation.
- You owe it to Hollywood.
- Hollywood?
It's his gamer tag, man.
The kid's a good player,
kind of like his father is.
- Was. Or is.
- Both.
You're father and son,
I'm sure if he grew
a fabulous redneck waterfall,
he'd look just like you.
But we need you right now.
He needs you.
You gotta go talk to these EMTs
and get him out of here.
- We got a tournament to win.
- All right, man,
I'll take care of it.
You just watch what I do.
Just... Hey, man.
- You're a good guy.
- I'm the best guy I know.
- Come over here
and give me some sugar...
- No, no, no.
Whoa, chill, Billy Ray!
Glad I could help the family,
but I don't need
to fall in love.
All right, you'll
work it out later.
[rock music plays]
Open the door!
Come on!
I'll meet you at the hotel!
- [shouting, cheering]
- Go, go, go!
Get my air going,
get my air going!
- Incredible! That was so fun!
- What are you doing, Greg?
- I feel like the Lone Ranger.
- Oh, my goodness.
Hey... Hey, uh... Clarence.
Little man, I hope
you're not too tired,
'cause, uh, man,
we got some talking to do.
- All right.
- Yeah!
Sick mullet, bro.
[Hollywood] Guys, my dad.
We sat there all night talking.
- [Andy] Oh, my goodness.
- So, what you're saying
is that your dad
- is super rich.
- Hell yeah.
No, what he was saying
is that he was talking
to him all night.
And I think that's nice.
How do you feel?
I'm feeling good, bro.
I mean, I don't know
what my mom's gonna say,
but she has her new boyfriend,
so whatever.
- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.
Actually, speaking of that,
let me ask you a question.
If you look like that,
would you be dating that?
You know what I'm saying?
- Feel it. See that?
- [Andy] That's not cool.
[Hollywood] My mom? Yeah.
That's his sexy look, dude.
That's like his...
- That's his GQ look.
- You know what that is?
That is a "get me the fuck out
of here, this sucks."
Just put it away, bro.
You don't have a sympathetic
bone in your body, do you?
- Wait a minute, say what?
- You do not
have a sympathetic bone
in your body.
What? Dude, I...
I got the band back together.
You might as well
call me Oprah, bro.
- Oprah...
- I don't play any instruments.
Speaking of Oprah,
we should really
- focus today.
- Your mom played
your dad's instrument.
That's how you came out.
You know what I'm saying?
And you wouldn't have known that
had it not been for me.
- I don't understand that.
- Real vulgar and cruel...
- ...such a small person.
- I'm petite sized.
- Dude, he's like tween.
- I'm fun sized.
Oh! OK, I'm gonna go
drop a deucer.
- Take a little poopie.
- There you go.
- Need someone to wipe?
- No, I'm good.
[dance music plays]
[Brian] What a second day so
far. Two teams that no one
expected to make it
to make it to the
final four did.
The Pixies and the Reign Clan.
They have proven to everyone
these two days that they deserve
to be amongst the elite.
Let me get the
five fingers, baby!
Well, guess what?
That could all end here.
I'm just being honest.
I'm going up top.
I need help.
- [overlapping chatter]
- Right behind you.
- Give it back!
- [overlapping chatter]
- Good job, girls.
- The other left! Left!
- I'm going down!
- Taking center.
- Man, smoke 'em!
- Where's blue eyes? Come here.
- Let's not mess this up now.
Come on!
- That's a little gift from me.
[Brian] I cannot
believe what I'm seeing!
The Pixies are about to shut out
the third team...
- Yes!
- I cannot believe this!
The Pixies are in the finals!
Whoo!
Now, for our next seminal
match we have underdog
Reign team
versus the top-ranked clan
in the tourney,
the Black Assassins.
It may be curtains
for the Reign Clan.
Damn! This is like
a storybook ending for us.
We've never lost to any
of the three clans left.
Look, I know your ho left you.
And I know you hurt deep inside.
Stuff like that happens
to the best of us.
- And?
- So just let me know
when I need to
send your ho back home! [laughs]
Look at your
pitiful, dumped ass!
- You guys are gonna get served.
- Sit down, Chomama,
before I sit you down.
Yo, nobody leaves the spawn.
I've got this.
Big words.
OK, alrighty.
- Is the Reign Clan ready?
- All right, boys, let's go.
Black Assassins clan ready?
Really?
It is on!
What are you doing?
[Brian] We are
on the way, people.
Hollywood, please stop talking.
[Brian] Already
the Reign Clan seems
as if they are playing
the offensive.
Hollywood with a shotgun
to the face! Bow!
- Lance to the bunghole.
- I can't get up!
[Brian] One by one, the Black
Assassins are going down.
- I think I'm going down.
- [Brian] Reign Clan...
- Yes!
- Come on, Chomama.
It's your squad,
you gotta step up.
[Brian] Game two under way,
it's do or die
for the Black Assassins.
Same thing.
- Where's Chomama?
- [Brian] Just two many
Reign Clan members left.
They got 'em cornered!
RumPull4Skinz...
Chomama...
- Whoa, baby!
- Get 'em up!
Last one, last one, get it!
I got him, I got him!
[Brian] Fraggett with the kill!
- In your face, yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Oh! Put that in your pipe
and suck it... smoke it!
Put that in your pipe
and smoke it!
[Brian] Reign Clan goes through
to the final!
[cheering]
- You guys suck.
- See that?
[Cody] Who sucks?
Yo, Chomama.
You can keep that ho.
Man, shut up.
And you know it's not about
the winning, it's about...
- Whoa!
- Congratulations!
[referee] Well, a little bit
about the winning.
[woman] ...15 minutes 'til
final.
They didn't give us
much time to celebrate
before we have to
- play against each other.
- You guys played well though.
You should be proud of yourself.
Oh, no, you don't.
Not until we play.
Play what?
Coming?
Hoo! Yeah, baby!
That's what I'm talking about.
[woman] Reign Clan. Please
report to the mainstage for
final.
Hey, Greg.
I can't stay.
I really gotta go.
They just called us up.
- Oh, yeah, no. I understand.
- Yeah...
- OK.
- Well...
- I hope you win?
- Yeah. [laughs]
- Right.
- Thanks, man.
- All right. I'll see you.
- So... wait, wait.
You know, look,
I hope you...
...you do good too.
- Thanks. Yeah.
- OK? All right.
- All right.
- Clarence.
I just want you
to know something.
I really feel like you're
a part of me, you know?
Not just a, like, a little bit
of my dribble, you know?
- And... you know.
- Right.
- I mean, good luck.
- Thank you.
- Man... son. All right.
- All right.
No. Pound. It's cool.
All right.
- All right.
- Bye.
So, for our Frogger
championship,
we have Scott Pride
from Trenton, New Jersey.
And Greg "Armagreggon" Lipstien.
Kind of big.
You're going down.
From your perspective,
I already am down.
Greg, you'll be playing first.
OK.
Would you please
step over there?
Uh, Greg, are you all right?
Yeah.
As a matter of fact,
for the first time
in a long time...
...I am all right.
Congratulations, man.
- It's all yours.
- Greg!
- What are you doing, man?
- You know what I'm doing?
I am gonna go watch my son
win the Gears of War
championship.
- [stammering]
- Armagreggon! Out!
Um...
OK. Well, then I guess
congratu... lations?
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
We have a winner.
- Thanks, man. Thanks!
- Yes!
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Exciting. Exciting day.
- People, I have to be honest.
You know Brian Simmons always
keeps it real.
But I could have never predicted
that they would have been
in my bracket final.
The Pixies vs. the Reign Clan.
They have done the impossible.
There's so much ass beat around
here 'cause they kick
so much ass,
the Cyber Bowl champions
will be decided here!
Reign team, are you ready?
Pixies, are you ready?
Let's do this!
[Brian] Both teams
are rushing the center.
Pixie girl hiding
behind the door.
- Bam!
- [Brian] Oh! It appears
Reign Clan got the jump
on the Pixies.
- Yes!
- [Brian] Too spread out!
What are they doing? They're
getting cut down one by one.
Yes! That's what
I'm talking about!
- That's what I'm talking about!
- One left, one left.
Whoo! Yes!
[Brian] Reign team
takes first game.
One down, one to go.
All right, one more.
Next one, baby.
- [shouting] Damn it!
- That's right.
[Brian] The Pixies seem to be
taking the initiative
on round two
by overloading the right side
of the arena. Good work, ladies.
- I'm out. I'm done.
- Reign Clan is in trouble.
I see tears in their eyes.
I know you want booty from her,
but damn, dude!
[Brian] One more, and yes,
the Pixies take game two!
They cheated!
[Brian] Here it is, the final
game to determine this year's
Cyber Bowl champion.
All right, come on, guys.
This is the last one.
We take this, we're the winners.
$100,000.
Oh, yeah, baby,
you go make me a sandwich.
I got it! I got it!
Oh, I am so... I'm dead.
I'm dead.
[Brian] The Pixies waste no time
taking out Hollywood
and Fraggett.
It looks like RumPull4Skinz
is in trouble.
Pr3daTurD is trying to save
RumPull. He kills
the third Pixies,
but RumPull gets taken out
by Girlguns.
It's just one player left
from each team.
It appears that Pr3daTurD is...
yes! He is right
behind Girlguns.
Just me...
[Brian] This is game over!
This is game over!
All he needs to do is shoot!
Wait. Why is he not shooting?
- [slow-motion] Shoot!
- What are you doing?
- Do it!
- Shoot!
[Brian] He's
just standing there.
He looks...
....like he's letting
that booty
go to his head!
Blast that booty!
Yes! End of this game!
The booty wins!
[slow-motion yelling]
- [cheering]
- [Brian] The Pixies win
the championship!
[Brian] Oh! We got some extra
curricular activities going on
the stage right now.
It appears Pr3daTurD
is getting his butt
whipped by his teammates.
This has been the
best Cyber Bowl ever!
You got hot white chicks
winning, you got crazy white
guys killing each other.
I love it!
I got my ticket for next year.
See you there. Brian Simmons,
and I feel like
I need my assistant.
- That'll work.
- [cheering]
[Andy] I think she loves me.
I hope so.
I mean, I don't get it.
But I understand probably how
you would have worked that out
in your head that that was OK
to do, but I don't get it.
You accept it?
I hope so, 'cause I think
you guys broke my rib.
Listen, my wife left me,
I've got no job,
I've got a car
with my face on it
that I have to drive around in.
And we just lost
because of you.
To be honest, my life could
not get any worse right now.
Hey, babe.
I've just, you know,
been losing. Thank you.
You wanna chill
for a second, actually?
Why don't you get Papa
a Diet Pepsi? Yeah.
I take that back, man.
My life could get worse.
What the hell just happened?
The old ball and chain.
No biggie.
Hey, how you doing?
Nice to meet you guys.
Mike Patterson from Mountain
Dew. You were very
impressive up there.
- Just great.
- He blew the game for us.
Where were you at, bro?
- You didn't see that?
- Oh, no, no. I was here,
and what I see
is enormous potential
for Mountain Dew,
and I'd love to sign you guys
to a two-year deal.
Are you yanking
our dick right now?
Um, no.
Are you yanking
my dick right now?
That was me. Sorry.
- I'm sorry, who?
- So, what I'd like to do
is sign you guys to a two-year
deal, you'd travel
all around the world
playing in professional
video game tournaments.
Guarantee of a six-figure
contract. Well, for most of you.
- Minus dick boy over here.
- Oh, that's me. No.
- No, you're in. I'm kidding.
- OK.
- Let's do it.
- If it's real, I'm in.
Why don't we meet in the lobby
in an hour and work out
all the details.
Is that... did that just happen?
Did that just happen?
- [cheering]
- [rock music plays]
Every day
Every day
Stop panicking
Turn into a mannequin
Take a breath now, ahh
Begin again
Open your eyes, please
Turn your smile on
Realign with now as well
You start freaking out
Wishing you were peaking out
Hold it together now
Instead of leaking out
Turn your smile on
Turn your smile up bright
Remember the days when
Your laughter was meant
Remember the days when
You did what you said
You're counting
the days till
You get high again
Chill out
Be easy on yourself
Every day
Every day
You stop choosing it
Suddenly you're losing it
Give it a kiss now
Instead of bruising it
More than a mean fear
Pieces whole here
Let the past go
boys and girls
You start stressing out
Time to learn a lesson
Doubts
Not in your jeans so please
stop your guessing bout
Turn your smile on
Turn your smile up bright
Remember the days when
Your laughter was meant
Remember the days when
You're saying, oh, my gosh!
Oh, OK.
I just owned them so therefore
the after effects of how I would
react to that fucking thing.
[laughter]
There's something I don't know.
I'm just gonna sit here
and touch my...
Cody, bro, for real?
[man] Don't "Cody, bro,
for real" me.
[laughing]
That was a mint.
Don't "Cody, bro, for real" me.
[laughter]
Oh, come on!
- Why wouldn't you...
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- [laughter]
- Get the... out of here.
- I think you found
your new job.
- I did.
- [man] Action!
- Look, I called him last week
on his cell phone.
And I think his mother answered.
And I...
- That'd be his wife.
- Oh... OK.
He lives with his mom?
Again, you guys could have just
went with it 'cause
it's not obvious.
...you, Jason.
Ooh, you're turning violet,
Violet.
- Ooh, Willy Wonka.
- Oh, I just said "ooh."
I said your line.
Ooh, you're turning violet...
Why do I say "ooh"
because you say "ooh?"
- It's a wonderful word.
- I know, isn't it? Ooh.
[laughing]
I just mouthed the... word.
- [man] Still rolling!
- [man 2] Still rolling.
God! This is the last shot!
All right.
Like what? A scuba diver
swimming his way in the game?
- [laughter]
- No, my man. That would be...
...a video game back there.
Could somebody shut that off?
Don't even take out your anger
towards Dane Cook on me.
I'm not angry at Dane Cook.
I just don't understand
his humor.
Let's do this bitch!
Sideways!
I found someone else.
Can we have breakup sex?
Mm... yeah.
- [laughing]
- I'm just kidding. All right.
- [laughter]
- Oh, no...
Oh, come on, guys!
- It's still there.
- I can do it, dude...
- Right here, give me that.
- We're right here.
- [man] Thank you, Jason, for...
- Let's go.
I got... it. It's good.
It's on the outside.
Looks like a scratch now.
- I don't know.... it.
- [man] And rolling! And...
- Excited? You are...
- Not having crap in the car.
- Ow!
- You sure got...
[Chomama] These airlines
are racially profiling!
Mom, I never want
to ride Deeznuhts.
You don't have to.
[man] I don't know.
[indistinct chatter]
[spitting]
It went right in my nose.
[man] If I had kids,
I'd kill you.
[laughter]
You... If I had kids,
I'd cut your throats!
[laughter]
- What the hell was that?
- Then I'd feed you to fish!
- [man] A creepy moment.
- [laughter]
- [screaming]
- [laughter]
[man] Pack it up!
Oh, wait. Yeah, those are next.
- What'd you say?
- Don't listen to me. Don't know
what I'm saying.
No, we are gonna get
to the finals. He's right.
- It's written in the script.
- It is. No, it is.
Well... there was a rewrite
in the pink pages.
- No.
- Do we not make it
to the finals anymore?
You two do not. You guys
wind up having... sex,
falling asleep in each
other's arms
and me and Hollywood
grab two new team members.
They're professionals.
- He's the worst, though.
- He's not the worst.
- No, I'm...
- And we get two pros.
Joe Bob and Billy Bob.
They're twins.
- [laughter]
- They're really good.
- Hell of a rider, bro.
- Yeah.
[shouting]
It's not that hard!