This is stupid.
The whole movie
Is just stupid.
Makes perfect sense
Why i'm here.
Because this is...
Well, i mean,
It's a good part.
I'm directing.
I'm playing a mafia guy.
(imitating the godfather)
I've always wanted to play
A mafia guy.
I thought it would
Be very good.
You might think
It's a great opportunity,
But it's not.
You know what?
Who cares?
Ha! I'll just
Bite my tongue,
Think happy thoughts,
And get through this.
Sir, your coffee's
Brewing right...
Who am i kidding?
Sir, it'll be about
Ten more minutes
On the coffee.
Mm-hmm.
I'm screwed.
(alarm clock buzzing)
So i have this problem.
I have these constant nightmares
Of spoof movies.
Ugh!
It's so frustrating.
I'm totally haunted
By 'em.
Plus, i have
This other problem.
I get sleepy sometimes,
And i fall asleep.
The worst part is,
I never know...
Hey.
You were asleep
For a while that time.
I'm sorry. I have this...
I know.
You have problems.
We all do.
I moved to l.A.
Six months ago,
And randy was one of
The first friend i made here.
He's genuine,
And that's hard to find.
I moved here to be
Closer to my family,
And right now, i'm currently
Working with elderly people
At a nursing home.
I guess i just wanted to do
Something special with my life.
I wanna be
Your boyfriend.
What'd you just say?
I said there's not
Enough sugar on this.
Let me get
Some more here.
You're so silly.
She's so great.
So i work in
The entertainment industry...
(crash)
Oh!
So i work in
The entertainment industry,
And i work for
A great studio.
Sunshine studios.
They put out some of
The highest-quality films.
Quality might not
Be the word, but completed.
They have a lot of
Completed films.
But completed films
With a lot of heart.
Well, you know,
Maybe not heart,
But completed films
That include a running time.
Actually, i think
They might be having
Real financial problems.
Hey, ben.
My name's actually randy.
I don't know
Why the guys call me ben.
It's funny though.
Okay, take a look
At this gun.
All right?
It's totally fake.
Is it real?
It's totally fake.
Okay.
After the blank
Goes off right here,
Yeah.
All right?
A blood pack is going
To go off lightly
On your leg
Right there.
I feel like you're not
Listening to me, randy.
Randy, randy.
Yeah?
Okay.
Did you get that?
Yeah.
You're gonna use
Live ammunition.
Which is cool.
Seriously?
I'm cool with that.
Seriously?
There's nothing to
Be nervous about.
You'll be fine.
Oh, i'm not nervous.
I'm excited.
i get to work with
The c.J. Waters.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm gonna do this to him.
Watch it, c.J.
Your day has come.
(imitates gunshot)
And here it is in slo-mo.
(imitating slo-mo voice)
Watch it, c.J.
Your day has come.
So an actor doesn't show up,
And some genius here
Decides to put an idiot p.A.
In his place because
They wear the same shirt size.
And to think,
A few months ago,
I was so excited to work for
A real movie studio.
I hate it here.
I tell all my friends
I work at target.
Quiet on the set!
Quiet!
Cameras are rolling.
(bell rings)
Sir, can i just say,
It is an honor
To work with you.
I want you to shut up.
I loved you in that movie
When you were a cop,
And you were on
That missing persons case,
Only it was a lemur
From the zoo.
It was a ferret.
No, i'm pretty sure
It was a lemur.
I would remember.
It was a drama.
Why are you even acting?
You're a p.A., aren't you?
In the eighth grade,
I joined troop 1984
Of the thespian society,
So i'm qualified.
You better be.
Are you ready
To do this?
Man: cue music.
You better be!
Action!
Give me the information,
Or i'm gonna blow a hole
In your head.
(whispering)
You're doing great.
We're still shooting, right?
Line!
The line is,
I have a wife
And two kids.
It's written
Right over there.
Right? You see it?
I don't have
My contacts in.
Say it anyway!
I have a wife
And two kids.
Say it.
Can i run home
And get my contacts?
No!!
I'm sorry.
Stay in character.
I know my terms.
All right, ready?
Action!
Please don't kill me.
I have a...
Let me try it
One more time, okay?
Cut. Cut, cut.
(bell rings)
Okay. Can i yell "action"?
No! Action.
Please don't kill me.
I have a dog
And three cats.
Shut up!
Cut.
Please don't kill me.
I am an orphan and have
No food for my widows.
Please don't kill me.
I have a wife and...
How many kids is it?
I forgot.
I hope you don't mind
If i ad-lib a little
Monologue i wrote.
I don't know
Where the information is.
You can beat it
Out of me if you want,
But i won't tell you.
Cue music.
Where is the bananas?
That's a joke
I'm working on.
That's a cut.
Cut that.
And action.
Not yet.
I'll say it.
Man: ignore it when
Randy says action.
Okay, action.
Action.
Please don't kill me.
I have a dog,
And he has no home.
He's a stray.
That's my cue.
I quit.
How about we just
Cut to the part
Where i shoot you?
Okay, sure.
I was really excited
For that part anyway.
Man: rolling.
Ow.
Ow.
Start the music again.
Let me have it.
Ow! My leg!
Ow! My leg!
My leg is shot.
Why did you shoot me?
(screaming continues)
Please, god,
Don't kill me.
Is that where
It hurts?
C.J. Waters, please.
I don't wanna die.
Don't say my name.
My character's name is allen.
Now do it again.
Okay, i'm sorry.
Allen.
Allen, i am in need
Of medical assistance, please.
Please call 911.
Please don't kill me.
He shot...
Quit shooting me
And trying to kill me.
Oh, my god. There were
Real bullets in the gun?
I wonder
How that happened.
Why did you shoot me?
Why did you shoot me?
Cue music.
Look, do you...
Get away from me!
Get away.
I'm sorry. I thought
This was blanks.
Well, it's not blanks.
It's not blanks at all.
You used to be
My favorite.
That's a cut.
I got two more
On your six.
Three o'clock.
Three o'clock.
Down, down, down.
Bulldog three to greyhound six.
We have reached our objective.
this is greyhound six.
What is your position?
bulldog three. Over.
We are under heavy fire.
we're on our way,
Bulldog three. Out.
Uh, guys,
We're rolling.
Cut!
Oh, come on!
Shit!
Can someone get me
An iced tea, please?
What is with
The helmet?
You're taking me
Out of my character.
Cut! Damn it, ben.
That's the fifth
Time today.
I'm doing paperwork.
So they let me try out
The acting thing.
We found out that
I wasn't "cut out" for it,
Which is okay,
Because i'm back to
Doing what i love,
Being a production
Assistant again.
I'm working on
My lifelong project,
Which is a screenplay
About a small boy
And my, or his, tricycle,
Who was abused.
It's a drama.
titanic 2: the ghost story.
Take 19. Marker.
My name's wes.
I am the head director,
(scoffs)
Good director,
Of all of sunshine
Studio's films ever since
C.J. Waters quit,
And we're working on
An exciting project right now.
This is big, okay?
It's a sequel,
And it's got everything in it,
Everything you wanna see.
We've got romance,
A war, the mafia, ghosts.
What's not to like, huh?
This is gonna be huge, okay?
Mark my words. Big numbers.
You can quote me on that.
Jack, is that you again?
I'm reading.
Don't you see i'm reading?
Why don't you
Leave me alone?
You died years ago
On that boat,
And it was
A beautiful night...
I love you.
(shivering)
I love you, too.
Jack.
Yeah?
Do you think we're
Gonna be okay?
Man: please help us.
We're all gonna die out here.
Yeah. We're gonna
Be just fine.
We just have to
Hold on to hope.
Man: no hope.
We're all gonna die out here.
Okay. Just never let go.
Okay? Promise you'll
Never let go.
I won't. Promise me
You'll never let go.
I promise.
Promise me you'll
Follow your dreams.
I promise.
John...
Especially the dream
That you become a nun
And never marry again.
Um, no. That's
Not my dream.
Just promise me, rose.
I'm dying here.
Okay. No, i promise.
Promise me you'll never
Kiss another man.
Um... Mmm.
I am only 18.
I have to go to college.
Gonna be in sorority.
I have big plans,
So i don't know.
If you feel like
That you need to let go,
I forgive you.
Okay?
You do?
Okay.
So i forgive you.
You need to let go.
What are you doing?
Man: is there anybody
Out there?
Who is that?
Anyone?
Who is that?
Is that a lifeboat?
No. It's okay,
Don't worry.
I'll be fine, okay?
Just let go.
I'm so cold and...
Man: i'm all alone.
I need some company.
I've got, like,
12 seats in here.
Are you sure there's
Not enough room on
That driftwood for me?
Hm-mm. No. I wish there was,
But i'm a little cramped.
You could save
Both of us.
I'm starting to lose
My power of sight.
I can't... Is he
Still out there?
Hey, you.
Jump in my boat.
I've got plenty of room.
Hm-mm. Nope.
Oh, he's gone.
I got hot cocoa.
(crying)
Lose the stiff.
I'm back in five.
I'm so cold, rose.
I know. I'm
A little chilly, too.
I wish there
Was room.
Hey, you know what?
Let me get you
A sweater.
I got a sweater, okay?
Ooh.
Got my sweater all...
It's so nice.
I am so hot.
Actually, this is
Really hot.
(snorts)
That beautiful night,
And the moon and everything.
But you can't swim,
And there wasn't
Room for you on the boat.
That's what i have to do.
I mean, it's getting...
Come on, jack,
Where are you?
I'm gonna
Get you, jack.
Oh, this thing
Won't work.
Cut. Cut. Cut!
What? What?
What do you want?
Hi.
Hi.
How you doin'
Over there?
I'm not doing
Well at all.
I can tell that.
Listen, do you need
A nap or something?
No, i don't need
Any nap!
I'm just not strong
Enough to cock it.
Did you just decide
To waste everyone's
Time today?
Was it
A conscious decision?
How dare you
Talk to me like that?
Because this is how
You cock a gun.
You see that? Just like that.
Is that close enough for you?
I can't do it
When it's not my size.
You have to get me a gun
That's right for me.
Not your size?
You're the size
Of a peanut.
This is the size
Of a shotgun.
That's how you cock a gun.
I've told you ten times.
you know what?
Titanic has one anchor.
We don't need two.
Oh, really?
Yes.
You like that?
Let's give you
A little bit more.
I'm sorry you can't
C-c-cock the gun,
But you're f-f-fired!
Thank you. It'll be
A good thing to get
Rid of you anyway.
I'm glad. Bye, bye, bye.
Guys, we gotta talk.
Oh. Oh, boy.
I, uh...
I'm afraid i, uh...
I have horrible news
For all of you.
You're all gonna be
Looking for another job.
In a nutshell,
The movie that we made
That we hoped
Would make money,
Came out and...
We didn't make zero.
I know that sounds
Pretty good,
But it's actually
Bad news,
Because we ended up
Owing money.
You see, shipping costs,
And the print costs,
Put us in a position
Where we owe
More than
It actually made.
I wish we made zero.
Believe me.
(cell phone
Ring tone playing)
Excuse me one second.
(ring tone playing
Rap song)
Yes?
I'm in an important meeting.
Please.
man: mr. Storm, you wanna
Look out the window, please?
Mm-hmm.
Okey-dokey.
sir, we're all over here.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
okay. See you over here.
Went to the wrong office
Again, didn't i?
I'll be right there.
Yeah.
Keep up the good work. Bye.
Flop!
Great job, wes.
Everybody take a moment
And give wes
A big round of applause
For shitting on our studio.
You know what? Actually,
To be fair, it was steve's idea.
Was it? The shitting
On the studio part?
Was it your idea, steve?
Did you direct it, steve?
Who directed it, steve?
I believe
It was wes, yes.
Hey, let's take a look
At your projection.
By the way, i remember
We were talking about
This before.
This is what
He projected for
The opening weekend.
I love these numbers.
These are great numbers.
Look at this.
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whooo!
Now, what the film
Actually did was...
(clears throat)
...A little worse.
Perhaps like this.
You know what i'm saying?
You know what i'm saying, wes?
Wes: i'm expecting
Big things--
Wes, i really don't
Wanna hear you talk.
I just wanna thank you
So much for begging me
To let you
Direct this film,
Because we just lost
$55 million.
And of course,
We're gonna need
You to pay that back.
I don't have
That kind of money.
We'll take it
Out of your paycheck.
Shouldn't take that long.
Write that down, ben.
Ben, ben?
Take it out of his paycheck.
Shouldn't take too long.
People, we gotta
Start over.
We gotta
Get back to basics.
What makes a good film,
A good movie?
The script.
Craft services.
Paris hilton?
Cream.
Ice. Vanilla extract.
It's true. Why?
Because that's what's
Payin' for the movies.
I started making ice cream
In the late 1970's.
And that's where
All my fame and fortune,
That's where it came from.
My company was called
30 flavors.
No one could even imagine
Back then.
Thirty flavors of ice cream.
(laughing)
That's when robbins
Came up with 31.
So i... I had
To call it quits.
You know,
Open a movie studio.
Rum raisin. Ech!
(scoffs)
Why couldn't
I have thought of that?
I'll tell you why.
You don't want
To give a kid liquor
With raisins in it.
What... What's that
Teaching us?
What's that teaching us?
What's that teaching our kids?
I even tried it.
I tried drinking rum,
Put raisins in it,
It's hideous.
Can you imagine freezing
That up, putting it on a cone,
And havin' a kid...
What? What? What? What?
I'm sorry.
First things first.
I will be leaving
My little brother lester,
Who i don't think
Many of you have met yet,
Will be taking over
For me.
I think dad would've
Liked it that way anyway.
He's a terrific guy.
I know you're gonna like him.
He is kind-hearted,
He's sweet.
He's like a puppy dog.
You could tickle him
On the chest.
He's like a pussycat,
But he's also conscientious.
I think he'll have
More of the temperament
For this kind of work
Than i do.
I am having a problem
Keeping my heart beating.
Therefore, without
Any further ado,
I'll be taking my leave,
And introducing you
To my little brother
Lester. Hang ten.
Run a tighter ship.
(all murmuring)
(snorting inhalation)
I'd like to thank
My big brother
For giving me
This opportunity.
Thanks, bro.
I do understand
That you're havin' a problem.
So he sent me here
To take care of business.
Apparently, there's been
Some problems with, uh...
Your films.
I need to understand
What's goin' on around here.
He seems nice.
Totally.
I guess one thing
He didn't tell you
Was that i just
Got let out of prison.
I was in prison
For killing some people.
I slaughtered
A whole family.
He probably told you that
You could scratch my tummy.
He mentioned it.
But that ain't gonna happen.
Because all these pictures
That you make,
And they just keep tankin',
And that's really
Burnin' my ass.
I'm here to find out
What you're gonna do about it.
Boom, i got one! Okay?
Buddy flick. Road trip, right?
Everybody likes road trips.
All of a sudden,
We're gonna have campfires.
There's water skis,
There's boobs,
And then a hurricane comes,
Spins everybody around.
Everybody's, like,
We're gonna die.
I haven't paid back
My student loans.
Slam, right into
The middle of the desert.
Only thing to eat,
Low-fat yogurt.
Let's see it.
We didn't get
A chance to make it.
But we made something
Much better. I'm sure
You're gonna like it a lot.
Yeah.
It's much better
Than his...
Let me see how you look
With this hat on.
I think you look
Kinda cute there.
Wanna try on my glasses?
No.
I want my hat back.
You can have it.
It's all yours.
i can't believe
You ever dated him.
He's such a pig.
aren't all men?
They're such pigs.
i know.
That one has green hair.
No one has green hair.
come on, cheryl.
Say something.
i'm on my period.
I'm grouchy.
I don't wanna talk.
Why the fuck did you
Let them do that to you?
I was ganged up on
By a group of girls.
Why?
You didn't get
To see the whole thing.
And you need
Some new shoes, my dear.
He didn't get to see it all.
I know we were gonna do
That stupid road trip thing,
But i mean, he was late,
(toilet flushes)
So i took matters
Into my own hands.
It's what anyone would do.
I don't know
What his problem is.
Shit, wes,
Light a match! Oh!
Five minutes.
I've heard enough.
I was five minutes late,
She's going on... Wah, wah, wah.
Let's get honest here.
I'm trying to work on
Some concepts.
air bud meets days of thunder.
That's real stuff.
Dress me up as some dude-chick
Hybrid in your terrible movie...
God. Still hit that though.
I'd like to hear
From somebody else.
(speaking spanish)
They don't speak english.
I realize that.
We keep trying
To fire 'em,
But they keep
Showin' up anyway.
(speaking spanish)
Let's see it.
(narrator speaking spanish)
por que, jesus, por que?
(spanish narration
Continues)
you're fired.
Gracias, seor.
while they were making
Titanic 2,
Myself and brian
Wrote a screenplay,
And we put together
A nice little script,
And we got tom hanks
Attached.
Tom hanks?
It's the biggest name
Sunshine has ever...
Tom hanks?
Yeah.
It's about the life
Of albert einstein.
We got exclusive rights
To the story.
It's about his life, and it
Delves into his personal past,
And his struggles
Trying to come up with
The theory of relativity.
You mean the mc-squared thing?
Right. Exactly.
But what about his hair?
I can make my hair
Like albert einstein. Look.
I'm albert einstein.
Sunshine studio...
I know the theory
Of relativity.
It's official, man.
Our boss is insane.
I think we should
Take our script to sony.
Let me give you
Something, sir.
I think you're really
Gonna like this.
What's the most popular
Film genre?
It's gotta be
Martial arts, right?
And what's the most popular
Martial arts movie of all time?
man: kill bill.
yes, kill bill is definitely...
Right behind that is ninja.
and after that,
The third most popular
Is the prequel kid ninja.
I'm gonna give you guys
Something that's never
Been done before.
The prequel to the prequel.
Let's see it.
where are the diamonds?
In my diaper.
well, give them back.
You'll have to
Fight me for them.
(sounds of fighting)
counter punch.
You know that you can
See their hands.
Not exactly,
But close.
Thanks, steve.
(stammering)
Babies can't stand
On their own.
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
It was steve's idea.
You gonna blame it on him now?
If you just play
The rest of it,
You'll see...
uh, baby's crying.
(groaning)
How come people
Don't like my ideas?
the reviewer said
Titanic 2: the ghost story
Didn't make sense.
It's a love story
On a haunted luxury liner
That's hijacked
By the mafia
In the middle of
An iraqi war zone.
What part of that
Does not make sense?
Here's what i'm
Gonna do now, okay?
Whoo!
Improv.
Oh, okay.
I need somebody
To write a script.
Anyone.
Anyone in here.
I don't care if
You're the fucking janitor.
If you don't bring it to me...
I'm going to start
Firing this weapon.
I'm out!
(all clamoring)
He just said anyone.
I'm an anyone.
Ding dong.
Idea at the door.
A fat guy
Wanders into a zoo,
Loses his friggin' wallet,
Doesn't know where it is.
A gorilla picks it up
Who has an innate ability
To count.
What's this?
A second climax?
All of a sudden,
He realizes animals
Have feelings, too.
I'm taking speech classes
At a community college.
I'm trying to further
Myself right now.
I got 64 credit hours
Under my belt.
But i'm an idea hamster.
I never stop
Generating ideas.
If you're gonna be a bear,
Be a grizzly.
Right now, i'm workin' on
My "hot words."
That's including but not
Limited to boom, bam,
What up, listen up,
Here comes the mother ship,
Shotgun blast, you know.
They're attention grabbers.
People are responding,
They build confidence,
They build energy.
Doesn't even matter
What you're sayin'.
Ooh, hop on the pain train
On this one.
Check this out.
Idea at the door. Ding dong.
(makes buzzing sound)
(making pinging sounds)
One ping, and one ping only.
Periscope up.
We found the friggin' idea.
I hate the sound
Of his voice.
Reminds me of the sound
Your body makes
When you try to
Hold in a fart.
Hello. Hello.
Hey, sleepyhead,
You ignoring me?
This is an $85 shirt.
Let's not forget
What tupac told us.
Tryin' to make a dollar
Out of 15 cents here.
Boom, boom.
That was loaded.
Put that away.
I'm pretty sure
She's into my ideas.
Like, she knows
A good man when she sees one.
Right now, i know that i'm
Gettin' those looks from her.
I'm gettin' those,
"hey, what's up on
A late-night mistake" look.
And that's the way she operates.
I know how she is.
She said "what up?" earlier
Over at the potato salad
In the break room.
I catch her lookin'
All the doggone time.
Remember to smile, randy.
Oh, hey, wendy.
You ready for
Poetry club?
I have this neighbor,
And her name's wendy,
And she's kinda wonderful.
But i can never tell her.
I'm way too insecure.
I'm damaged goods,
If you know what i mean.
I think i like you, wendy.
Love you, really.
Matter of fact,
I love you a lot
Since i met you,
And i wanna have
Babies with you.
A lot of babies.
Like, quintuplets.
She does not have a clue.
I'm pretty good
At hiding my feelings.
This is
My grandma's ring.
I was wondering if maybe
You'd wear it on
Your finger forever.
And okay,
You can turn around now.
You don't
Want to.
It was a stupid idea.
You hate it, you hate me.
I'm sorry.
Sorry to upset you.
You don't have to give me
The silent treatment, though.
I mean, two can
Play at that game.
No, they can't.
(whispering)
Why did she do that?
I'm so stupid.
She's so pretty.
Oh, great,
I'm evicted.
I'm evicted.
Randy?
Did you hear me?
I'm evicted.
Did you say something?
Oh, you had
Headphones on.
Oh, thank god.
I have those ipod ones,
And you can't hear a thing.
What are you doing?
I was just
Lockin' up.
I'm neurotic,
So i gotta lock it
Like, 50 times.
i'm like jack nicholson
In as good as it gets.
"step over the crack."
Are you okay?
I'm okay.
I'm totally okay.
Look, i got a present.
An eviction notice. Ready?
I can't wait to hear
All the poems today.
I love poems.
I know you do.
I don't think randy
Actually knows what a poem is.
I truly believe
He thinks he does.
But he's trying, though.
This is... This is
A totally original poem.
"i am black,
Grew up in the hood,
"have no parents,
Shot by cops,
"bling bling, blang blang,
Bling bling, bust a cap,
Bust a cap, bust a cap.
"sixteen years old
And never found love,
"speak in rap,
Wanna fly like a dove
Up above the clouds.
The clouds."
Some people think they can
Do the spoken word.
A bit of times,
It does come out
Like verbal diarrhea
Of the mouth.
"the clouds calls rain..."
Wait, i'm sorry.
That's okay. We understood
Where you were going.
I am the head of
Poetry survivors.
There are some dues
That we do have to pay.
Each member has to pay
A small fee of $1,500 a week.
I know it seems hefty,
But it covers
Quite a few different aspects,
For one, my rent.
Um... And if i'm homeless,
I certainly can't hold up
A theater group.
So here at
This poetry club,
We are trying
To showcase
Original works.
It's a policy.
Was that yours?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Really? About being
Black and 16?
Dut-dut-dut-dut-dut.
Are you sure
It was yours?
Well, uh, no.
Not all of it.
But the dut-dut.
I'm sorry. I found it
On the internet.
Okay. Okay.
But i can read my script
If you like.
No, no.
That's okay.
Maybe next week.
Randy always wants
To read his script.
He gets so into it.
I hate it.
He assigns everybody parts,
And it's so long and boring.
Looks like you and randy
Have been going out a lot.
Yeah, i guess so.
Yeah. That's great.
I mean, he's got a lot
Of great qualities.
He... He's a guy.
He's a great guy.
What exactly
Do you see in him?
Look, i know
He's not perfect,
But neither am i.
Do you know what he does
Every morning?
I don't know. Copy down
Shakespeare and call it
His own?
He goes to
His grandma's
At the nursing home.
And she has alzheimer's.
She wouldn't even know
If he came or not.
But he goes every day.
That's why he wants
To be a screenwriter,
You know.
So he can make
Lots of money
And be able
To take care of her
The proper way.
There's not a lot
Of guys left like that
In the world.
Oh, my god.
I'm such a bitch.
I mean, i had no idea.
I... I totally thought
He was kind of an idiot,
But i was so wrong.
Hey, randy.
Are you getting sleepy?
Hey, ben.
Ben! The guys have been
Having a great time
Here at work.
They've been calling me ben,
Which i just think is so funny.
Ben, damn it, ben!
Benjamin! Ben!
Ben, where is
My coffee, ben?
Ben.
They have
This good one, right?
They made out
My paycheck to ben,
Which is just
So hilarious.
I tried to explain that
To the bank.
They didn't get it,
Which is a serious problem,
Because i can't pay my rent now.
"ben."
Did you just eat that?
Yeah.
My name's ernie.
I'm 38 years young,
And i'm a production assistant
Here with randy,
Which is great.
It's always been my dream
To become a production
Assistant.
Some people
Like to dream high.
But if you set
Your goals too high,
You might not ever reach 'em.
The shitter's
Clogged again.
Um, apparently, target
Was looking for someone
With more "people skills."
I would've killed
For that job.
Don't worry about it, man.
I'll take care of it
For you, okay?
You just,
You know, relax.
I have a very weak stomach.
I can't really do
The toilets or sometimes,
Take out the trash,
'cause i'll gag sometimes.
Usually always.
That and fish filets
From mcdonald's.
It's something
With the sauce.
It's like the white
And the green.
Just thinkin' about it
Makes me wanna...
I can't even think
About fish.
It just...
Sorry.
Sorry. I have
These nightmares.
I know we were
Doin' this interview.
I dream of these spoof movies
All the time,
And i hate it.
I don't know
Where it comes from.
Maybe my childhood.
Maybe a...
you have to love
Naked gun.
Why aren't you laughin'?
Laugh!
Dad, it was funny
The first few hundred
Times we watched it.
What if we watch
Something else?
that's a great idea. What about
Naked gun 33 1/3, huh?
How about
I get the popcorn?
You stay there.
I'll get it.
Okay, dad.
Oh, man.
Thanks, man.
It's just, last time,
I started throwin' up
When i tried to fix it.
No biggie, man.
I understand.
I owe you big time.
Is it bad in there?
You have no idea.
Overall, my lifelong
Dream and goal
Is to find and marry
And settle down with
A beautiful woman.
He's not comin'.
If he isn't,
I'm in charge.
Right, wes.
You see the way
He was acting?
He was looking for
Any reason to punch
Someone on their ass.
You know what?
Steve's in charge.
No, i'm good.
So do you guys think
That was a real gun
He was packin'?
You bet it was.
Hi there.
Michael foster,
Lester's lawyer.
Lester's been arrested
For killing his parole officer.
He shot and killed
About 20 people.
That's awful.
You're tellin' me.
So what's gonna
Happen to him now?
He'll get about
Five or six days in jail.
He'll be out on parole
Soon enough. I am
His lawyer after all.
Really?
No.
I'd say the electric chair's
About the best he can
Hope for now.
que horrible.
You're probably wondering
Who is going to
Take over the studio
In lester's absence.
It's his wishes
That i introduce to you
His associate, nancy longbottom.
Let's hope she's hot.
No more fives and sixes
In the office.
Hey, nancy.
Thank you, michael.
Isn't nancy
A girl's name?
Amanda: wes! So lame.
No, that's fine. I've
Heard it since i was a kid.
Got used to it now.
I have to get going,
And i'm gonna leave you
In the capable hands of nancy.
Thanks, michael.
Let me just be the first
To say we're really
Glad to have you here.
You have some
Pretty big shoes to fill.
Shut up, fat face. And you.
You ever laugh at my name again,
I'll put my arm
Down your throat,
Grab hold of your balls,
Pull 'em out
And kick you
In the nuts.
All right, son?
You might have noticed
I've got a bit of a complex
About my name.
Now...
Now that we all know
Who's got the biggest
Set of bollocks around here,
Let's get
Down to business.
I'm here to make sure
You hit your deadlines.
You have a couple of days.
So far, you're filling
Those shoes nicely.
Shut it.
So i'm here
To give you some inspiration.
In fact,
I'm gonna tell you
A story.
Once upon a time,
In the east end of london,
There was a little lad.
He used to go to the movies
Every sunday with his auntie.
His name was nancy.
nancy's favorite movie
Was a movie called snatch,
Because it had this big,
Fierce guy in there.
His name was
Bullet-tooth tony.
Now bullet-tooth tony...
(unsnaps locks)
Had a gun, and it was
A desert eagle .50.
A bit similar to this one.
(all exclaiming)
Now... If you lot
Don't write this script,
I'm gonna end up shootin'
At least six of ya.
So let's get it done,
Shall we?
now!!
No me mate, por favor.
I'm just reading
The u.S. Mandated set of rules
For all businesses.
I don't know exactly
If it specifically says
It's illegal to bring
A gun to work
And threaten your employees,
But i'm pretty positive
It says it here somewhere.
I know you can't
Bring two guns,
Or have two people
Bring a gun at the same time.
(imitating nancy's accent)
'ello there.
I'm bullet-tooth... Ah!
(screaming)
Yep. Right here. Right here.
No, that's not it.
I think
It's a great idea.
Really? You're not
Just saying that?
No. I think
He'll love your script.
I think people will
Really connect with it.
I've never read it.
Here's what happened.
The script is really long,
So i took a week
Off of work to read it.
I was at my apartment
Out on the balcony,
It was really windy,
And the pages started
Blowin' everywhere.
All over the place.
And when i say everywhere,
I mean everywhere.
They were all over
My neighborhood.
It's over 600 pages.
And here's the thing.
He didn't number them.
You have to number
Your pages always.
So i didn't
Get to read it.
Let me ask you
A question about
My script that you read.
The father scene
Where my father was
Abusive to the character,
Do you think the color
I picked for the tricycle
Matches the emotional
Tone of the scene?
Um, i...
What color was it?
What was it?
I can't quite remember.
I'm forgetting.
Green?
No, green was my big wheel.
Red?
No, it wouldn't be red.
So aren't you
A little worried about
The length of your script?
No. Why, do you think
It's too short?
He said it should be,
Like, 90 pages.
So you should probably
Hurry up if you want
To finish it, right?
Yeah, i better get goin'.
I've only got four hours left.
It's not due till
Tomorrow morning.
But my bedtime's 10:00.
Where are you going?
Randy, i drove you today.
No running in the halls.
Hi, randy.
Oh, hey, gotta go.
Lot of work to do.
Okay? Love you though.
(crashing)
I'm sorry. I actually
Didn't mean that
Last part, okay?
Have a good day.
You didn't?
Huh? No. Gotta go!
Oh, no.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, no!
Hi, randy.
Oh, hey. How are ya?
Good, and you?
Fine. Totally fine.
Well, back to work.
Oh, no.
What happened?
Fifteen. Eight.
Ninety-seven.
Eight. Okay.
And... 90.
Done.
So i'm stealing that little
Prick's tricycle script.
I can't lose my job.
How am i gonna do it?
Easy. Rule #1:
What?
Shit!
Something about smoke alarms.
I don't know. I always forget.
(loud beeping)
Rule #5: always have
A paper clip and chewing gum.
Wait, i don't think that's...
(quiet vibrating)
Today is the day
I get to pitch my script.
This could be the beginning
Of my new life.
Apparently, i peed
My pants last night,
And i think there might have
Been a fire in my apartment.
(loud slurping)
Well, guys...
You must admit,
All your ideas are crap.
So, matt and brian
Apparently have a script
With a big name attached,
So, matt, brian.
I can't work there anymore.
That is not a studio, okay?
It's a joke. I've never
Heard of one of their movies.
Tom hanks.
We had tom hanks.
Tom hanks on
A letter
Of intent.
Go away. Get out.
Come on, man, let's go.
(tires screeching)
Fantastic, randy.
Thanks for joining us.
I don't suppose
There's any chance of you
Comin' out with a screenplay
Or anything?
I think you're all
Gonna really like it.
Love it, really.
I've been working on it
My whole life.
It couldn't be crappier
Than wes' idea about a tricycle.
(all laughing)
Yeah, it was stupid.
What?
Am i not
Speakin' english?
Wes here wanted
To do a movie
About...
Some abused kid
On a tricycle.
Same old tired crap.
Abuse happens every day.
Just suck it up. Whatever.
I can't believe it.
I was going to pitch
A very similar idea
About a tricycle
And an abused kid.
So what's your idea?
My idea. You probably
Want my idea.
Oh, jesus christ.
Jesus christ.
I would like to thank you all
For joining me
For my last supper.
Now, first things first.
Must we all be on
The same side of the table?
I don't understand.
There's no chairs.
(all murmuring)
Perhaps a few of you
Could move to the other
Side of the table.
That way, we could
See each other.
Forget it.
I'm afraid i have
Some troubling news.
One of you
At this very table
Is going to betray me.
Now, i won't say who.
I don't think
That's the right thing to do.
(forced choking voice)
Judas!
But i will... I will say that
It's none of you six men.
Nor is it you.
Or you.
No. Or you.
It is not you.
Or judas.
Ben!
Randy?
(whistling)
Hey, ben, wake up.
Ben, this is
Your big chance.
Ben.
Randy.
Ben. Hey, ben!
(slow-motion
Distorted voices)
(distorted)
What's your bloody idea?
This is
Your big chance.
Spoof movie.
Spoof movie?
Oh, no. I hate
Spoof movies.
'cause that's brilliant.
I said it, i did.
I love them.
It's a good idea.
Can you expand on it
For us?
There's no plot.
Script?
No script.
Good.
A spoof improv movie.
Yeah, that's what
I was goin' for.
Improv spoof movie.
Yeah.
Title?
Not another, um...
Not another... Movie.
I like it.
What do you think, guys?
Do we agree?
I like it?
We're gonna have
So much fun on this.
We all agree?
We're all focused
On the same direction.
Now i don't
Have to kill ya.
(uproarious laughter)
Long day.
(laughter continues)
I'm frustrated.
Spoof movies!
(groans)
All the time, every minute,
I fall asleep, you know,
And i dream
Of these spoof movies,
And i hate it.
I wanna be...
(pounding)
Sorry. When i think of
A spoof movie,
I just... (pounds)...
I kinda get upset.
but i wanna dream of art movies,
You know, like the piano.
or pi.
Those are art.
Not spoofs.
Not at all.
Randy.
What?
Okay, go and write it, dude.
Write your spoof movie, man.
Yeah, sure.
Congratulations.
Let's do a spoof movie.
I got a lot of
Brainstorming to do
On the spoof movies.
I love spoof movies.
Do i think they'll do it?
It's possible.
Do i think i could
Kill one of them
And get away with it?
It's possible.
It's possible.
So stupid! So stupid!
Spoof movie!
(yelling)
(continues yelling)
(cat meows)
Oh, sorry, kitty.
Daddy's...
Wait a second.
I don't have a cat.
This isn't my apartment.
Woman: hello?
So...
Why are you so sad?
Wendy, i did
Something horrible.
I did something i said
I would never do my whole life
I sold my soul.
I'm making a spoof movie.
You can never talk to me
Again if you don't want to.
First of all,
I like spoof movies.
No, you don't.
You're always talking
In our poetry club
How you hate 'em
And they're stupid...
No, i don't.
Everybody else does that.
And besides, who cares
What everybody else thinks?
This is your big chance
To make a movie.
You should be happy.
You, right now, are like
A proverb to my soul.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna make that
Piece of crap spoof movie,
And it's gonna be
The best piece of crap
That anybody has ever made.
Can you make me
One pinky promise?
You've got
Both of 'em.
Can you just not make
A drama about a tricycle?
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
(stammering)
I'm kidding, randy.
I read your script,
Remember, about your abuse.
Yeah. That actually
Wasn't about me, remember?
That was about my cousin.
The character, my cousin.
Then why did you
Call him randy
And have the same
Parents' names as yours?
And how he also
Had a brother named joshua?
You're right. Making
A spoof movie's
A great opportunity.
So it's the big day. Oh!
It's the start of
Pre-production,
And i have got
A lot of pressure on me.
You know,
Because i'm in charge.
But it's okay,
Because everyone says
I work best under pressure.
(all clamoring)
Speak english!
Speak english!
(all yelling)
Where's randy?
I think he quit,
So i'll just take over.
Sorry i'm late.
Hey, where you been?
You'll never believe
What happened, guys.
I woke up and all
My wheels were flat.
Apparently i ran over
A bunch of knives last night.
Everybody's wondering
What their job's gonna be
On the shoot.
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, great.
I can tell you this.
Wes and steve, you're gonna
Be production assistants.
Just ask ernie.
It's a great job.
No! Are you kidding me?
Production assistant.
I am the head writer
Of this studio.
You know what? Fine.
If randy wants to have
A little war,
That's what randy's gonna get.
He's gonna get a war.
Okay, bart, you're gonna
Be doing casting.
Oh, ernie, i was
Thinking you could be
The executive producer.
Don't you think lester
Might murder ernie
If he finds out
He's executive producer?
I don't wanna be
Executive producer.
Ernie, you can do it.
Trust me, man. Trust me.
Randy, i don't want it!
Calm down.
You can be
The boom operator.
Let's see.
Is that everybody?
What about me?
Oh, well, i just assumed
You would've known
You were makeup.
Okay here.
I think that's good.
Because i'm a woman.
I don't even wear makeup.
I don't know
Anything about it.
I have six brothers.
I learned to pee standing up.
Okay, was that everybody?
I know i gave you a job.
randy, y nosotros?
(speaks spanish)
I thought the new boss
Was supposed to fire
Alejandro and guzman.
I thought he did.
I thought you told me
You were gonna
Say something.
I told 'em
They were fired.
But when i was in the meeting,
I came in, i didn't
Expect to see them.
It was so awkward.
I told 'em.
I don't think
They understand.
It's probably 'cause
They don't speak english.
Maybe you should try
To say something again.
You're probably right.
I feel so bad.
I know. They're
Such great guys.
Just don't tell 'em
I said anything, okay?
Okay.
(exhales)
All right, guys.
Bad news again.
You're fired.
gracias.
gracias.
adios.
I heard a voice in the...
I'm sorry.
It's the...
You know, square...
Cold thing.
Bottom line, boom.
I was born to do casting.
Okay? My brain farts
Are box office gold.
See, here's what it says.
"refrig..."
Just say it so i know
You can say the word.
Refrigerator.
That's really good.
Now just use it!
Acting is reacting. You're doing
None of these things.
Ernie! Thanks for
Bringing your sister in.
Hey, i'm an actor,
So i get it.
I get it.
I get what it takes.
Do you...
(stammering)
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming to
Our facility. Thank you.
Never... Ever...
Feed them...
Before midnight.
I mean, after.
No! Everything you're
Doing is poop.
run, forrest.
I corre!
No!
forrest, corre!
Corre, forrest.
corre! Corre!
No, no.
(shrieking)
I'm in a play right now
On broadway.
Not the new york broadway.
Broadway street
Over in glendale.
There's a theater, nice stage,
Plenty of parking, 99-seat.
Got ourselves
A nice little run.
There's even a concession
Stand in the back.
Boom! Friend request.
Denied.
Don't cross the streams.
Thank you.
What? What?
Say it. What?
Took me a long time
To hang those up.
Ernie, just leave it.
Sorry, i...
Just leave it.
That's my sister.
The bottom line is,
I get it.
Okay, uh... Ooh,
Funniest comedian
Of all time.
Steve... Steven seagal.
What about nipsey russell?
no, ernie. It's
The little kid
From jerry maguire.
(knocking on door)
Wait a minute.
This used to be
The bathroom.
We're just doing
A little editing here.
Choppin' it up,
Makin' dreams come true.
What brings you back?
I'm just checkin' up
On my brother, see how
He's runnin' the show.
Who's your brother?
Because all visitors
Are supposed to check in
With lewis in the lobby,
And he's a stickler.
His name is lester,
Lester storm.
Don't recall.
He's your boss.
I thought
I was the boss.
I'm taking over for you.
Randy, randy, randy,
He owns the studio.
You are the director,
Which means you are
Not in charge.
Hold it, hold it.
You're the director?
Yes, sir.
You're the p.A.
I remember you.
You're that p.A.
You're ken or whatever it is.
It's randy, actually.
I just remember,
Though, you were a p.A.
That was a long
Time ago, sir.
That was three days ago.
I know. It's been,
Like, 72 hours.
He's makin'
A spoof movie.
No, ernie!
It's really, really funny.
Uh-huh.
Spoof movies.
I hate them. Hate them.
I don't care
What you call 'em.
It's just cheap, cheap parody.
It can even be expensive.
they tried to do
Gone with the breeze.
They couldn't even
Get the fires going.
It was like a breeze.
Just a breeze.
Huh? I don't get it.
I don't get it.
I don't get spoof movies.
I don't see any art
In spoofing something
That was art.
(stammering)
Well, wait.
No, don't like 'em.
Don't like spoof movies.
We're making one?
You know where
The men's room is?
It's right
Out that door.
Coming through.
Coming in. Hey.
Know where the men's room is?
Best action movie
Of all time.
over the top.
Wrong. Delta force.
Scariest movie.
Scariest movie?
When i turned ten,
I saw something
That scared the crap
Outta me.
A bad guy in a movie, um...
I don't know
How to put into words...
Terrorizing.
He kept me up so many nights,
Givin' me nightmares.
Still does.
it was the bad guy from
Kindergarten cop.
Hey, how you doin'?
Hey, how's it goin'?
Good.
kindergarten cop.
Hey, how are you?
Awesome to meet
You, man.
Richard tyson.
Richard, bart.
Wow. I'm bart.
Yeah, just put that
On file there. Wow!
Yeah. On file here.
That's awesome.
Nice to meet you.
What's your name?
I'm bart.
Bart, nice to
Meet you, man.
This is my best head shot
I've ever had.
We'll keep it on file here.
This is randy.
Hey, randy, how you--
Randy?
Randy?
Is it something i ate?
That is randy.
He's energetic, isn't he?
I'm wiping my eyes.
Am i sitting here
With richard tyson?
Are you? Wow.
Wow!
I'm very honored to be here.
I mean, yeah.
You might be
Perfect for this.
Might be?
remember when you
Worked with schwarzenegger
On kindergarten cop?
Oh, schwarzenegger.
Yeah, yeah.
You guys had
That on-screen chemistry.
I looked at you,
And you get it
Like i get it.
On-screen what?
You know, i'm starting to
Get used to this makeup thing.
I mean, it's a gift.
I never knew i had it,
But i'm pretty good at it.
Kind of regret not wearing it
More as a child.
Maybe i should try it.
(quiet conversation
And laughter)
What up, what up?
Tryin' to make an honest dollar.
Know what i'm sayin',
Guys, boss man?
One more word, i'll
Rip your lips off
And glue 'em to your navel.
Morning, randy.
Good morning.
What a happy day, huh?
Amanda.
Yes, sir?
You look
Like a hooker.
Thank you, sir.
that's very sweet.
Buenos dias.
hola.
What are they
Still doing here?
Let's get down to it.
Let's go over these schedules.
We have one week left. Randy,
You have the details.
I apologize. I'll go over
The details here.
Sir, what we have
Here with the... Ow!
Nancy: what's your problem?
I think something
Bit me, sir. Ow! Mm!
Wes: what's wrong, randy?
Oh, oh!
You okay?
I feel like something
Is biting my nards.
You're screwin' with
My hangover right now.
I'm so sorry. No!
You want me to fire you?
You'll be off this project.
Feels like something is
Literally taking a bite
Of my genitals.
One more word, and i'll
Staple your lips together.
'cause i have a nail gun...
(gun fires again)
Right here.
Now keep it shut.
(gun fires again)
Right. Saving caps.
What are we gonna do?
You know what, sir?
I actually don't have
Any ideas on this matter,
But randy has quite a few.
Go ahead, randy.
(gun fires again)
Randy?
You understand the queen's
English, randy? Spit it out.
Just tell him
Your ideas.
(gun fires repeatedly)
Come on, randy.
Just let it out.
Go ahead.
Get off my shoes, randy.
That's what we don't
Need in a leader, right?
Am i right?
It was kind of like
Being pinched really hard
In the nut sack.
My dad used to pinch me
Really hard
When i wouldn't salute him
Or call him sir,
Or get the towels
In the bathroom
Aligned just perfectly.
They had to be perfect,
The his and her towels.
I mean, aligned just right,
Or, oof!
He also used to shoot me
With a bb gun, and that hurt.
wait a second.
If you mess with me,
I will cut your throat
Like a stick of butter.
Like a stick
Of butter. Like.
No. I mean...
If you mess with me,
I will cut your throat...
You're not scary.
"if you mess with me,
I'll cut your throat
Like a stick of butter,"
Is the line.
If you mess with me,
I will cut your throat
Like a stick of butter.
Okay?
It was bad.
I'll tell you,
You're too cute...
If you mess with me,
I will cut your throat
Like a stick of butter.
That's the best you got?
Ow!! What?
(forcefully)
If you mess with me,
I will cut your throat
Like a stick of butter.
I knew it!
Get out of my way!
What's wrong with that guy?
I don't know.
What's this guy's problem?
I'm gonna fuckin'
Knock him across the wall
In a second here.
I don't...
What's he afraid of, ya know?
I celebrate christmas,
I go to the ymca
On occasion.
I walk to the park.
Sometimes, i sail on boats.
Randy? Hey, i'm sorry, dude.
Come on. We got off
On the wrong foot.
I feel bad. I was just
Readin' my lines, right?
You wrote the lines.
If you come out here,
We give it a chance,
We'll start over.
How's that sound?
All right.
You're startin' to make me
Look like an asshole.
If you don't come up,
I'm gonna go out to my truck,
Get my filet knife,
And gut you like a fish.
Startin' to make me
Look like an asshole.
'cause acting,
That's like a tennis match.
It's like, you fire
Me a line and then you fire one.
And then it's
Back and forth.
Who wins, i don't know.
That's how the scene plays out,
but, um... When
A few good men came out,
Were you gettin',
Like, mad ass?
I'm married.
That's cool.
You know what?
I need to talk
To the director,
If he's awake.
Randy!
Okay, patrick,
How's it goin'?
Any word?
Nothin'.
Okay.
John. John, how you doin'
On that asteroid, man?
Listen, we really need you
To push that button or
We're all gonna die here, john.
john! We really need you
To push that button, man.
come on, john,
Push the button.
What are you doin', john?
What are you doin'?
John, push
The button, buddy.
Come out to the asteroid,
We'll get together,
We'll have a few laughs.
John, you gotta do it, man!
We're runnin' outta time.
Come on, mcclane.
Welcome to the party, pal.
John, listen to me
Very carefully.
You gotta push that button.
What do you think,
I'm stupid, ha--?
I said, what do you think,
I'm stupid, hans?
Who the hell is hans?
John, come on, man.
Push the button!
Let me talk
To my daughter.
John, listen to me
Very carefully.
You've already spoken to
Your daughter three times, okay?
daddy?
Hey, baby.
It's daddy.
You gotta help us.
We need to live.
You gotta push the button.
I'm gonna have to break
That promise i made to ya.
daddy's not
Comin' home.
I know. You gotta
Push the button, okay?
What am i doin'
With a gun in space?
You gotta press the button!
Press the button!
Push it, john!
Daddy, push it!
Let me talk to him.
Okay.
I gotta quit
Smokin' cigarettes.
Dad, it's me. Listen.
What you're doin' is
A very brave thing.
You should be proud.
I am.
I'm just the wrong guy
In the wrong place
At the wrong time.
Wait a minute.
That's not my dad.
My dad's supposed to be
Flying a fighter jet into
An alien spaceship.
Who's drivin' this ship,
Stevie wonder?
Sorry.
It's cool.
There's some tang
In the cooler.
I'll get some tang.
They still make tang?
They do.
I love tang.
You know they make
Grape tang now.
John! John,
Push the button, john!
Johnny, push
The button, john!
It's over, john.
We all hate you, john.
push it!
Yippie-kai-yay, mother...
Yippie-kai-yay, mother...
Yippie-kai-yay, moth--
He pushed the button!
He pushed the button!
I love him.
He pushed the button.
I love my dad.
Guys, actually,
He didn't push
The button in time.
What?
He only missed it
By a few minutes.
Yeah, exactly.
Actually, he missed it
By about an hour and a half.
Oh, look. It just
Touched the earth.
Are we gonna...
Randy!
Get up.
Wastin' the talent's
Time here.
I'll talk to you, cuba.
Sorry about that.
I dozed off there.
Hey, i was hopin'
I'd get a chance
To talk to you, wolfgang.
Can i call you wolf?
Yeah.
Great. Listen, dawg,
You had a great performance,
Especially those
Last few takes.
It was so good.
It was great.
There's nothin'
I can even say.
It was amazing.
Thank you.
I do have some notes,
Mainly about your dialogue.
Not working.
You want me to do
Something different?
I'm just tryin' to do
The lines like in the movie.
Yeah, that's what i was
Hoping for, too, along
With the rest of the crew.
Really, what i was hoping
For was maybe that you
Did some research,
And maybe rented the movie
Once or twice or once.
Really researched it,
Because you obviously
Don't know what a code red is.
I don't need
To rent the movie.
I was in the movie.
I know what
A code red is.
Were you an extra?
An extra?
Mm-hmm.
I was one of the leads.
That's why they
Cast me in this role.
It was a role
I played in the movie.
I get it.
This is an issue
Of industry terminology.
You see, a lead is
One of the focus characters
In the film.
You were probably
A lead background extra,
Which is more like
A set piece or a prop.
(quietly)
I had a pretty good
Role in that movie.
I was not a prop.
No reason to raise
Your voice, okay?
Who's raising their voice?
No reason to scream.
I think there's just
A miscommunication here.
What we're spoofing
Is a military courtroom drama
That had jack nicholson,
Tom cruise and
Denzel washington.
It wasn't
Denzel washington.
It was me.
Okay?
I'm the actor
Who played the guy
Who did the code red.
Agree to disagree.
Why are we shooting this
In a spaceship?
Because that's
Where it happened.
You know what?
Maybe you oughta
Rent the movie.
Okay, 'cause it did not
Happen in a spaceship.
It was a courtroom drama.
Listen, i don't want
To fight with you, okay?
All i want you to do
Is say the line
Exactly how
Denzel washington said it.
"you ordered the code red."
I did not order
The code red.
I did it.
Okay? I'm the guy
That killed santiago.
Listen, dawg,
I am not a therapist.
All i need you to do
Is say the line exactly
How denzel said it.
Let me see the script.
Okay, come inside here.
You know, this is where...
I'm not gettin' in there.
What am i gettin' in there for?
Because this is
The courthouse,
The judge comes up here.
No, the judge is over here,
And it's the moment...
Whatever.
Listen, do the improv.
You'll be great.
He's gettin' into it.
Hey, you, uh...
Nicholson and cruise,
You said they were
Gonna do this, so
They're comin', right?
Absolutely not.
We lied.
Okay, whenever
You're ready.
And, cut.
Randy.
Oh, hey, wendy.
How are you?
I'm good.
Is this a bad time?
Oh, no, i love you.
I mean,
Walk with me.
I was just
Talking to an extra.
I've missed you
The past few weeks.
Really?
Yeah.
Listen, i've just been
Thinking about something
You said to me over and over,
And i just wanted to
Come down here and get
Some closure on it.
Oh, no, listen,
I say a lot of things
That i don't mean.
What did i say?
You said you loved me.
Might have been
One of those.
What did you think
About what i said
Or didn't say?
I probably didn't.
I don't remember.
I liked it.
I said it, i did.
I remember you were
Wearing a green dress.
So you do?
Wendy, i wanna
Be honest with you.
I have a lot of
Commitment issues.
Would you marry me?
Problem! Randy, we got
A big friggin' problem.
Come on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Randy.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
I didn't even mean it.
Or i did. We can
Talk about it.
Hi.
You're wendy, right?
Yeah.
It's kind of
A secret,
But randy's planning
On proposing.
Oh, yeah?
Shh.
Okay.
Okay, calm down
What happened?
Just a minor issue, randy.
We're missing all of
Our footage.
We only have one tape.
Should we have
More than one?
Hey, news flash, randy.
We're supposed to have
35 tapes.
35?
Randy, where are all the tapes
That we bring you every day
For the last
Three weeks?
Okay, i sit here,
And somebody come in
And brings me a tape.
I don't know
What to do with it,
So i bring it back to 'em.
Can i make
An observation, randy?
You're displaying symptoms
Of mild retardation.
Oh, now come...
Come on. Come on.
Randy, how many of the tapes
That we brought to you
Did you bring back to us?
All of 'em?
You're stressin' me out
Big time, randy.
I will play
The blame game.
What'd i do?
You screwed up
Big time, randy.
What's going on?
Idiot recorded over
All the footage.
Did i?
You did?
Tell him.
I just proposed,
And i'm pretty sure
She said no, and her hair
Smells like strawberries.
I'll probably never
Smell hair again.
We don't have any tapes,
We don't have any footage.
This orangutan
Takes the tapes to his room
And does weird
Little thing with them,
Then he brings them back
And he records over them.
All of it?
All of it.
That's horrible.
Pinch me.
This ain't a dream.
Thanks, people.
Give yourselves
A pat on the back.
End of story.
Lester's money's gone.
You go and see lester.
You sort it out
With lester.
You complete prick.
And you two,
That stupid grin
On your face.
We wanted to fire you
Three or four times, okay?
yeah? Now you're fired!
Right? Comprende? Fuego!
Piss off!
Out. Ben, do us a favor, son.
You go with 'em, all right?
Otherwise, i'll get
Richard fucking tyson
And sort you smart out.
Oh, great, i'm fired.
How can this happen?
Wes, get in here
And sort this out.
You left me
In the pod.
I'm sorry i didn't
Rent your movie.
I don't wanna be
Fired. I'm sorry, okay?
Randy.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to talk
To you about the ring.
I get it, okay?
You don't wanna marry me.
Randy. Randy,
Here's your last paycheck.
Let me guess. Another check
Made out to ben.
I'll tell you what.
I'm not ben, okay?
I'm not ben,
I'm not ben,
I'm not ben,
I'm not ben,
I'm not ben.
I'm randy. R-a-n-d-y. Randy.
The bank doesn't even
Accept these.
I can't even cash 'em.
That was to randy eubanks.
Do you have any tape?
No.
Okay.
Great. No tape!
I wish i was ben.
Maybe then you'd
Remember my name.
Maybe then
You'd like me,
Not hate me.
I like my chest hair.
I don't care if you do.
I wish i was ben.
I wish i was ben!
I wish i was ben.
I don't even care anymore.
Stupid ring.
Sorry, grandma.
(cat yowls)
(crying loudly)
Why does it feel
So good to cry?
I feel like i've never cried
Until this day.
What a mess.
God, he is a moron.
Randy. Randy?
What the hell
Are you doin' here?
I thought i
Took away your key.
What key? I don't
Have a key.
Your door's open.
You shut up.
You do not speak
Unless you are spoken to.
You just spoke to me.
I asked you nicely
To shut your mouth,
But you just couldn't do it.
You're gonna get
A visit from mr. Belt.
What belt?
This belt.
The one that's
Gonna hit you
Across your face.
Oh, that doesn't feel good.
There's no belt.
Maybe you'll feel it
If it hits your little pecker.
Oh, doesn't feel good.
Hurts when it hits the tip.
You're creepin' me out a little
Bit, and i think you got me
Confused with someone else.
I ain't confused, randy,
You chubby little bastard.
Now you shut up.
Why don't you
Just calm down--
Shut it!
Ha!
I don't have time for this.
Some people at work
Are worried about you,
So i said i'd come by
And check on you.
It really stinks in here.
Nipple shot,
Nipple shot,
Pecker shot.
Just calm down.
Priorities, priorities.
What is wrong with you?
Priorities.
Daddy's gotta
Take a piss.
Daddy feels like
A camel today.
I need some more
Help with this.
Unload. Unload.
Daddy went in
His shorts again.
Wes: you need water?
Are you okay?
(growls)
Thanks.
You're welcome, randy.
I told you. See?
I'm pretending like
I didn't see that.
It scares me.
Don't be a wussy.
Come on.
Jog. Come on, randy.
Five more miles.
Keep it goin'.
Randy? Whoa, whoa,
Whoa. Randy?
(ice cream truck
Music jingling)
Randy?
Randy! Ra...
"the boy found the tricycle
And was overwhelmed with joy,
"a joy he hadn't felt
Since he was in middle school
"when he got a single
During kickball to almost
Tie the game up,
"even though he got
Thrown out at second
And they lost.
The end."
This is a really
Great script,
Huh, ernie?
Hey, let's
Read it again.
That's a good idea.
Would you like that,
Randy? Yeah?
"once upon a time, there were
Two dead, naked bodies."
Come on,
Snap out of it.
I can't breathe.
Oh, you can breathe.
Have some more.
You ready
To quit faking?
Oh. Oh, great.
Now he's playing dead.
Playing dead, randy?
Is that what
You're gonna do?
Okay, he's just
Gonna play dead.
All right, randy.
We're gonna leave.
We're leaving, randy.
Bye-bye.
Where do you think
You're goin'?
I'm comin' with you.
Go home, boy,
Or you'll feel
The back of my hand.
But i finished my work.
Go home or i'll give you
A kick in the ass.
I need you to stay here
And look after the place
For me while i'm away.
But, dad, i can fight.
No, you can't.
Yes, i can.
It's our wits
That make us men,
And you do not
Have any wits.
You've none at all.
In fact, you're
Downright stupid.
What are you doin'
With that stupid
Paint on your face?
So i can be
A warrior like...
Give me that
Before you cut
Your bollocks off.
In fact, if you
Got into a fight,
You'd probably
Run away and piss yourself.
Jesus christ. You cannot
Even stay awake for
Five minutes.
(thudding sound)
(deep inhalation)
I'm alive!
It was a joke.
You're an asshole.
The last thing i remember
Is coming into my apartment
Right after i was fired,
And then, i sat here...
Did that just happen?
I've been a real jerk to you.
No, you haven't.
Yes, i have.
No, we're friends.
No, we're not.
No, we're not friends.
We're best friends.
All the accidents
At work...
I'm real accident-prone.
Your tricycle script.
I know. I thought
That was weird.
Did i tell you that i had
The same idea for a script?
I even wrote it.
I know. It was yours.
That's why we're
Best friends.
We think alike.
And act alike.
We should get t-shirts.
Oh, my god.
You are so stupid.
Okay, now you're
Being mean.
And best friends don't
Treat each other that way.
Randy, i stole
Your script.
I took it from you
When you were sleeping
Right there.
I broke your desk,
I set off your fire alarm,
You are not accident-prone.
Okay, just leave it there.
So i did everything
Else to you... Just
Leave it, okay?
I did everything
Else to you.
I've been a real jerk.
I've been making your life
A living hell, and i'm sorry.
I can see what
Your hand is doing.
I can see it.
I'm trying to be nice to you
Here, randy, and you're
Being a jerk about it.
I came here to give you
Your job back and ask you
To direct the tricycle script,
You dick!
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't
Have called you that.
It's okay.
It's okay, buddy.
Thanks?
It's all right.
Randy. Randy?
Yeah?
You're in your underwear.
I know. It's okay.
Can i sit here?
Sure.
Wendy, before
You say anything,
I just have to apologize
For leaving you at
The studio a few days ago.
It's okay.
I wanted to call.
I just, uh... I've just
Been dealing with it
In my own way.
I've... I've been
Out of town.
Huh?
Yeah.
I've been at the hamptons.
It's where i go
To gather my thoughts.
Randy, i've been
With you the last
Two days.
I don't know what
You're talking about,
But i was definitely at
The hampton inn.
Wendy, i like you,
And, uh...
I've always
Liked you, wendy.
I know i was a little fast
In giving you the ring
And asking you to marry me,
And i know you
Don't want to,
And it's okay.
I just hope that we
Can still be friends.
No, i do.
Me, too.
I love your
Friendship and...
No.
I would not--
Listen to me,
'cause i mean it.
I wouldn't do anything ever
To sacrifice our friendship.
I wanna marry you.
Except for that.
Our friendship's gone.
You're gonna be my wife.
Are you saying...
You really wanna...
I can't breathe
Right now.
I might have thrown
The ring into
The l.A. River.
No, you didn't.
No, i did.
I threw it hard.
I threw it really far.
I'm a baseball player.
No, you didn't.
No, i did.
I know what i did.
I threw it.
Are you calling me
A liar again?
Randy, i've, uh,
Had it the whole time.
Wait a second.
This is my grandma's
Cubic zirconium...
I mean, diamond.
So i thought
It was just
The box that i threw.
I guess it...
So we're doin' this?
I mean, we're...
We're really
Getting married.
I guess so.
Okay.
Well, first things first.
Oh! This feels good.
It feels like,
It feels right.
That's the wrong finger.
Of course it is.
Let me try that again.
All right.
It feels right,
Doesn't it?
It feels perfect.
Still the wrong finger.
Okay, we'll try
That again.
It would be
This finger.
I know that.
So i guess this means
We should kiss.
Okay.
Yeah. I mean,
It's standard.
Standard married...
Um, just to warn you...
Just to warn you...
I have never
Kissed a woman.
And i've been really
Excited about this,
So i'm just gonna go
And i'm feeling
Really romantic right now.
I'm just gonna
Do this, okay?
Okay.
I'm kissing your nose,
Aren't i?
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry. I've just
Never done this before.
It's okay.
I should probably stop
Grabbing your face.
Okay.
Okay?
Just pretend like
That never happened.
I'm sorry.
So... It's
Me and you now.
Yeah.
It's just me and you.
What?
Hmm?
So apparently,
I ordered something from
Yugoslavia last night.
Yeah. It's a bride.
She'll be here tomorrow.
You're not at
Quizno's now, okay?
I need you
To give me pacino.
Right now, you're
Giving me boo radley.
Access your inner child.
He's drunk today!
(speaking spanish)
Ready?
Yeah, i'm ready.
I been ready all day.
I'm sorry.
Okay, slower, slower.
You're goin' too fast.
Go faster.
Ernie, get outta the way.
Get outta the way. Ow!
Oh, hit me in
The head. Thanks.
And... Cut!
Come on, kid,
It's your big moment.
Cut! Cut!
Forget it. Action.
Chicken.
That was it.
It just came to me
One night.
Flavor number 32,
Chicken ice cream.
Everybody loves chicken.
Everybody eats chicken.
You put the rainbow
Sprinkles on it for the kids,
Call it chicken salad.
I know it sounds...
That sounds silly.
So anyway, the studio...
Uh, pretty much went under,
And i lost pretty much
Everything i had,
But it was
A blessing in disguise,
Because i think
It gave me the time
To really pursue
My calling,
My life calling
Which is, of course,
Opening up
My ice cream shop again,
And i called it
32 flavors.
Beat that,
Mr. Robbins.
Woman: actually, i think
They have 50 flavors now.
Oh, 50 flavors.
What are you talking about?
No, they do.
They have,
Like, 50 flavors.
Don't say that.
Don't say it again.
You know, we really
Only need one camera here.
If you'd put your camera
Down, please, and leave.
I'm trying to speak
To the...
Just put it down.
I'm sorry.
I'm starting to sweat.
Fifty flavors.
Who told her that? Shit.
So we wrapped on
The tricycle picture,
It went great.
No one actually watched it,
Which was good because
I'm actually trying
To let that part of me go.
The film was not
About my cousin.
It was about me.
I'm so proud
Of you, honey.
Thanks, babe.
But i am working on
A brand-new script.
It's wonderful.
It's about a small boy
Who's afraid of fire,
Because his dad would
Actually put out cigars
On his neck.
That one's about
My cousin.
That one's about
My cousin, so...
So, we're married now.
Yeah, it's goin' great.
What else is new?
Oh, yeah, we had
Coitus last night.
Yes, we did.
But, baby, can you
Never call it coitus
Ever again?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, babe.
Hey, i'm gonna go
Get that coffee for you.
She's a coffee nut.
So... I think marriage life
Is really good for us.
Especially randy.
He's changed so much,
You probably wouldn't
Even recognize him.
He's really learning
How to deal with his past.
He's really maturing.
He's just growing up.
Randy?
Are you getting sleepy?
(bell rings)
You shut up,
You shut up.
Pecker, pecker!
Pecker. Yah, yah.
Pecker, pecker.
Now i'm tired,
And daddy's gonna
Take a piss.
So wes and i decided
To start a production company.
It's going great.
I'm finally living
Out my dreams,
Which is amazing.
With wes and ben's,
You're getting
An amazing deal.
We can take your script
And make it into
A blockbuster.
I'm talking big.
Let me talk about quality.
Capital "q."
(bb gun fires)
Randy: why are you crying?
Yes. I'm gonna enjoy this.
So i'm still learning
American law.
Apparently you need
Some kind of a permit
So that you can
Carry a gun.
And they don't like it
When you shoot someone,
I can tell you that.
I went abroad,
And i'm rooming with lester.
In a cell with lester.
But you know,
We got a theater group goin'.
everybody's involved.
It's mamma mia!
Yeah, but we've had to
Push it back.
Our lead guy
Got stabbed in the showers
By the understudy.
Apparently picked up
The wrong piece of soap.
(sighs)
The show will go on.
I know. It's okay.
You want whipped cream.
I hope you just didn't
Miss your chance
To read your poem.
(shrieks)
This is unbelievable.
Everyone else sees
This, right?
You are a nightmare.
An absolute nightmare
To work with.
Yeah, cheryl.
Why don't you
Say something?
Come on, cheryl.
Say something.
I'm on my period,
I'm grouchy,
I don't wanna talk.
So i know randy's an idiot,
But he did help me
To find my gift.
My gift of makeup.
I started my own
Makeup line.
I actually named it
After randy.
It's called... Ignorance.
Randy doesn't get it,
But, oh well.
Booger!
He was trying
To make me laugh.
Apparently, there was
Some mix-up thing
With randy
And the internet.
I solved that problem
For him, and i'm married.
Reached my ultimate goal.
So... Where is she from?
Uh...
The republic
Of yugoslavia.
Not from around here.
It's funny
How these things work out.
Because i actually
Was thinking about
Buying a wife
On the internet.
But my credit card--
I was way, way over the limit,
So when randy came
To me with this,
I jumped on it, so...
Originally, i was
Gonna go asian,
But i think this actually
Worked out better for me.
So, um... And we're
Really, really happy.
We are...
You're happy, right?
(speaking spanish)
I've never been fired
So many times in a day.
Man: cut.
I'm pumped.
I'm friggin' pumped.
Listen to this.
I got a job as a disc jockey.
I'm bart the deejay.
That's tight, right?
I'm working for z94.3 fm.
They gave me
This cool time slot.
I'm working mondays,
2:00 to 5:00 a.M.
I'm doin' this thing
On the air now.
I'm, like, what up? Boom.
I'm goin' bart-listic on you.
Everyone in the studio's,
Like, that's tight.
I'm pretty much coverin'
All the big stuff.
I'm doin' intersections,
Cars, water main breaks.
I'm doing traffic.
Mostly traffic.
But let's be honest.
Being on the radio
Doesn't hurt in
The ass department, right?
Boom! We're gettin'
Bart-listic on you.
(high-pitched vocalizing)
Man: musical.
Marker.
Wes' ideas
Are very good,
And i should
Listen to him more.
Is that too many metaphors?
Maybe it is.
(laughter)
Why aren't you laughin'?
Why couldn't i have
Thought of that first?
(airplane overhead)
Hit the deck!
He started to struggle,
And i started to
Beat him in the head,
Again and again and again.
But they ordered us
To do it.
Bobby? What's his name?
It's randy.
Randy?
Randy?
'cause i'm uncomfortable
Being nude in front of
Other people.
Never let go.
Promise you'll
Never let go.
I got hot cocoa.
I'm starting to lose
My power of sight.
Oh, you got me.
Push it. Push
The fucking button!
(all yelling)
Let me talk to him.
Dad, it's me. Listen,
What you're doing
Is a very brave thing.
So...
So stupid.
What a stupid opening.
Stupid, stupid.
...Over at
Craft services.
(imitates gunfire)
You screwed up
Big time, randy.
Can i help you?
Too late.
I think you're lost.
Did you call cut
Already?
Can i go home
And get my contacts?
No!!
Look right over there
At the card and read it.
Yeah, we speak english.
We just find it easier
To never do it.
We don't have
To work very hard.
We get out of jobs
That we don't wanna do.
And they can't fire us.
That's a big plus.
Yeah. Very.
Can you guys
Move your car?
It's in my spot.
no ingles.
(speaking spanish)
Great. I don't
Speak spanish.
So it's the big day.
Oh!
So it's the big day.
Oh!
I got it.
So today's the big day. Oh!
It's the start of...
Oh, i get it now.
You're no.
So it's the big day.
Action. I work best
Under pressure.
I forget you're no
When you said this.
So it's the big day.
Oh!
(laughter)
I didn't even mess up.