I am a sick man.
I think it is my liver, but I refuse to see a doctor.
From spite.
I am a spiteful man.
I have been living like this for a very long time.
I used to worked in the Department of Urbanism, but no longer.
i was a bad civil servant.
i was
discourteous.
i was
spiteful.
No, no, no. It is not certain.
That is lie.
I am not it. I am not nothing.
I am sick.
a crippled person. Too much introspection.
Yes, too awareness is a disease.
a cripplating disease, absolutely.
say me a thing:
so that I have made things horrible?
Things that that knew perfectly they were abominable?
and when promised same me to change,
to carry to me better, knew right away that it was lying.
Because because I cannot change.
I think too much.
That is my disease.
Is better not to do anything.
I am lying!
Even now, I lie.
Notes from underground
I can be totally sincere with me same?
Can be it somebody?
Some memories is so terrible,
that one could not count nor to its friends.
Some is so horrible that I fear
counts to same me.
and whichever better is the man,
more of those secrets hides.
Now I want to remember.
and I have this camera because I hope
that if it story, if I see it,
if I see myself same me counting it, then
perhaps can release to me
of this secret.
If I am sincere
Today is raining.
rained Yesterday also.
rain has evoked east memory that does not let to me sleep.
it happened twelve years ago.
I was much more young.
Not exactly carefree, never I was it.
But, in a certain sense, was happy,
because it had authority.
This toilet is in center.
Is thus in all the baths.
- This for it is disabled. - In effect.
Would have to be displaced 45 cm to put a handle.
Sure by all means.
Is thing of the draftsman. It is easy to solve.
Then change and returns to bring it.
Is not going to give the license to me?
the planes does not adjust to the norm.
is only necessary to move it half meter.
I will have to lose another day in the tail
so that they approve an insignificant correction to me?
Is the law.
Is a service of the third floor! I will begin by the foundations.
Is only 45 cm!
One distances enormous according to the norms.
I can speak with its head?
By all means. It will be enchanted to speak with you.
This is ridiculous!
clerk!
With the attractive women, retired the Vista first.
Even made experiments.
Would be able to hold its glance?
APPROVED
Thanks.
Most of the time preferred to be single.
attempt not to justify to me.
No! I am lying.
That is exactly what attempt: to justify to me.
But I do not want to lie.
I have given my word.
Every few months felt the necessity
to relate to me to the humanity.
To a certain extent, at least.
Only had a well-known. In fact it had several,
but only one still deigned to speak with me.
Simon.
knew Him the university. It only had free Sundays.
So it tried that my necessity of company
fell in Sunday.
I suspect that I disliked to him, who was an error to go to see him.
But, as usual, my own doubts pushed to me.
Little imagined I them fatal consequences of my visit.
Simon?
Play golf before having supper.
prefer the best site.
Simon?
Hello.
it happened this way.
Enter
Simon was with two companions of the university.
I thought that you would be single.
Then is not thus.
As soon as they saluted to me, although we had been years without seeing us.
he knew that they watched to me over the shoulder after my lack of success.
Good. You do not cut yourselves by me.
I will go with Mr. Z. The Porsche we did not enter all.
wait a little while. This time I do not want to do of driver.
Planning a supper of goodbye for Philip Zerkov.
Era another companion of studies,
somebody to that it detested specially.
it hated the good looking, stupid face, of Zerkov,
the way in which it dressed and it wasted money.
I always was without white.
No longer saluted to me in the street.
we leave to 1 00 turkeys each one, including Zerkov,
but the supper will be fantastic and to him it likes the site.
Imagines to Zerkov leaving to pay us?
Already you know, will accept the detail, but it will be offed-hook
with a bottle of Sunday or Crystal, or something similar.
Who we are for rejecting its generosity? Thus it is Zerkov.
Everything will be more boring this way when it has gone away.
Very certain.
So it will leave us by 300, including his.
a dining room deprived in the Coffee of Paris, tomorrow to 8.
Because 300? Telling me they will be 400.
I thought that to invite to me suddenly,
so unexpectedly, would be a great gesture,
that would win its affection to me and would improve its opinion of me.
you want to come to have supper with us?
So that no? Zerkov also was companion mine.
Frankly, bothers to me that you leave me outside.
Hope that we invited to you?
- you hated to Him. It remembers when - You do not have right to say that.
for that reason desire to be perhaps invited,
because I am not in good terms with him.
This is of crazy people. He is our friend and our celebration.
- I also studied with him. - Bond, is well.
If you want to come, Coffee of Paris tomorrow to 8.
- What has of the money? - It is already enough, Jerry.
If as much it wishes leave it that it comes.
You can pay your part now?
Then I remembered that it had to him to Simon 50$ two years ago.
is not that it had forgotten it, not exactly.
had simply not given back it.
you will see, I do not take it above.
But I have not forgotten the 50 that you rendered to me.
You can pay to me tomorrow.
But this time you do not forget.
you will see
we had formulated plans for this already behind schedule.
So
I feel It. I am hindering to You?
- Yes. In fact - So that me you have not said it?
Brave cocoon.
What seized of me?
What forced to me to impose my presence?
he/she knew that it did not have to go, but felt to me furious, indeed
because it knew that it would do it.
would pawn to Me on attending.
By spite.
and embarrassing and at the most inopportune was my presence
more insurance was I of which I would go.
When returning to house was saturated
of contact with the humanity.
But to the following morning felt to me excited.
he/she went to attend a celebration.
My enthusiasm me consternaba, but could not avoid it.
he/she had the hope of which my life changed finally.
REJECTED
he/she had doubts, by all means, but was not the moment for thinking.
Was on the verge of really experiencing the life.
Revolve the closet, obsessed by my appearance.
Any idiot can dress well if it has money.
he/she feared that my modest clothes reduced my personal dignity.
had anticipated any contingency.
had even practiced my manners .
Thanks.
Thanks.
he/she knew that it was exaggerating.
conscious Era of my tendency to remove the things from frame
most intelligent would have been not to attend,
but dreamed about dominating to them,
with seducing to them with my talent.
In addition was Zerkov!
Would squash to Him!
Soon we would forget and drink by our eternal friendship.
I come to the celebration of Zerkov.
!God mine!
Mesa for five. To eight o'clock.
is no such celebration.
then look for name of Simon Fitzgerald.
is no reserve.
Here, Fitzgerald, five, to nine.
Had to be to eight.
No, gentleman. I myself I take care of the reserves. It is to 9.
has had to change the hour.
- It is well. I will hope. - It waits in the bar.
No, I will hope in the dining room.
Is a deprived dining room, correct,
Monsieur?
Oui.
Acompale.
Thanks.
Thanks.
God!
When to the aim appeared
I felt so alleviated that I forgot to be victim.
- the door of the left. - It is a labyrinth.
Is just as Delmonico. Very pleasant.
- How long. - Yes.
Too much. Hello, Zerkov.
How much you take hoping?
From the 8 o'clock, like me dijistis.
You did not warn to him of the change of hour?
No, I did not do it. I forgot.
I feel It. Where is the appetizers?
Wait a second.
you take here hoping more than one hour?
And we having drinks in the premises from alongside?
Yes.
Poor!
somewhat fresh Toma.
Drink all other glass!
If I had had to wait for one hour
Of what you laugh yourselves? It does not have grace. I believe that is absurd!
Simon would have to have you him saying,
but has so many things in the head.
Sit. The first plate already arrives.
you will see , could not to call you
because you do not have telephone.
Well.
Sincerely,
surprised to me
that you wished to unite to us tonight.
Always you have been surprised with facility.
How you gain the life lately?
Work in the Department of Urbanism.
Very interesting. In the City council, truth?
What is what beams there?
had not waited for similar condescendence.
a thing would have been that it wanted to offend to me
with its attitude of superiority, but and if really
was believed superior and only could be paternalist it?
the mere idea cut the breath to me.
I am sub inspector of Planning.
it seems a good work.
- Yes, it is a good work. - Wonderful.
did not try to insinuate nothing. It is only that already you know.
Always I have asked myself so that you left the Faculty.
- it did not support the pressure. - It is not for everybody.
Kafka said that the lawyers chew detritus of others.
and laughs of way to the bank.
And how goes the things in the Department?
You have let stick your woman?
So that you are interrogating to me?
We cannot speak of something more intelligent?
I suppose that you try to exhibit your intelligence.
Would be here outside place.
I sit down that we are not so intellectual
like your colleagues of Urbanism.
- Enough! Already is worth! - This is demential (sahsiyetin blnmesi)
Is demential.
This is a supper of goodbye for Zerkov,
the new general adviser of the Santa Fe Silver,
and you are being discourteous.
You yourself you have invited yourself,
so you are not kill-joy.
I did not like those idiot!
And had made the ridiculous situation!
they thought that they made an honor me leaving me be there.
did not concern the money to me.
Could march to me immediately, to disappear. To do a scorn to them!
I looked and I asked to him: '' you have run yourself already?''
God mine, Z, what said she?
Is of bad education to speak with the full mouth.
Jesus, I cannot believe it.
a toast by Zerkov
and by all the women who leave back.
To your health, and that you have luck
in '' Enchanted Country ''.
Said Well!
You are not going to offer us?
you have not done more than to drink.
I want to make my own toast. Then I will drink.
- It goes stupid idiot - Silence!
let us hear that sample of overwhelming talent!
leave me to say first that
I detest to those who speeches pronounce.
Hatred to the people who adore the sound of her own voice.
That first of all.
Hay a second point.
the second
point is that
I detest lustfulness
and to which they speak with lust.
the third question
is that master
the truth,
the beauty,
intelligence
and the friendship.
the friendship
on a common land, of equal to equal.
To your health, Zerkov.
That you seduce all the women
again Mexico.
go, thanks
by
By a memorable toast.
Damn you are! You are requesting punch in all the face.
does not know to drink.
Is a repulsive drunkard.
he/she comes ! You will not take yourselves in serious what it has said?
Salt outside, egocentric brat,
so that the soul can partite.
By far pleasure.
Ignor it, Jerry. I have already said to you that he is drunk.
Never I will pardon myself by to have allowed to him to come.
Is the moment for squashing the head to them.
Will be possible?
you look him. Not even it listens to us.
would have enchanted to Them that had gone to me.
But I remained seated there, drinking,
by pure resentment. Yes.
By spite!
the brandy to me puts philosophical.
To me, left.
Exactly!
That dualist thing of Descartes,
the one of the body and the mind.
we are laughing ourselves of you.
we have to speak of our excursion of ski.
- To Jackson Hole. - To Vermont.
To Vermont? We do not have been in Vermont.
Hay to understand of deposits because dents by them.
Clear that nonpayments until extractions the money.
is not duty free.
- they deceive to Us. - I do not pay taxes.
What you are, a priest?
I cannot think that he is managing director.
After all, I have pissed to him in the bosom once.
Walk for more than one hour. They acted as if it was not there.
I could not fall lower.
Friends, paraphrasing to Caesar,
is hour of Vidi, Vinci,
Vine.
I saw, I conquered,
I ran myself.
I propose a last visit
to the inmortal,
to the indescribable one
House of the Blue Lamps.
Health! The note, please.
Zerkov, please,
I want to apologize.
Simon, Jerry, Tom, all you.
I want . ask excuses.
I have insulted to You and I feel fatal.
he/she wants to say that that we are not going to leave to beat to us?
does not scare to me to fight with you.
But first, pardon me.
I pardon to You.
Only looks for to feel better.
is being delirious.
separate and leave me to happen. He is everything what I request to you.
Before not even you spoke to me. What you want of me?
Your friendship, Zerkov.
I have behaved fatal. I have insulted to you, but
That you have insulted to me? To insult you to me!
Never you could insult to me!
Enough already of excrement. Out! Leave!
The House of the Blue Lamps calls to us!
I ask myself Julie!
Simon, please, lend me something so that he can go with you.
to come with us? After this?
Like please a friend, Simon. You I will give back it tomorrow.
it means much for me.
Wait a minute.
And the 1 00 $ that you must to me of tonight?
And the 50 of before?
I can give you a check?
- Tomorrow. I do not take checkbook. - You are incredible!
Simon, you have money. I have seen it.
Not for you.
If you knew if you knew so that I request it.
My future depends on that.
You are crazy.
Crazy of closing.
Look.
Take 1 0 dollars.
Do a favor
and vetoes in taxi to house.
I took a taxi, but I did not go to house.
This is, I thought.
Finally the real life. Conflicts! Emotions!
will be put of knees, will implore my friendship.
Soon I thought: no, they will not do it, so I will have
that to divide the face to him for Zerkov.
it was my to have to beat to him!
he/she had to do it!
Would not have to say words before,
to explain to him so that its attitude was victim to me?
No, knew that it would not work. he/she had to attack
to Zerkov immediately, to strike to him!
He/she had to do damage to him!
imagined prisoner to Me,
judged, condemned, jailed during twenty years.
When coming out I am going to visit Zerkov.
happily is married. It has a daughter and a son.
I say to Him that there am lost everything by its cause,
but that, even so, I pardon to him.
Still memory, point by point,
my elaborated vision of suffering and .redemption
while it traveled drunk in that taxi.
Ten with twenty.
has Here, ten.
- They are 1 0 with 20. - Yes.
- a dollar Takes. - I will give the change Him.
- Stay. - Thanks.
Need to speak with Zerkov.
And you are?
I am a friend his.
- Is friend of Zerkov? - And of the others also.
Of Tom, Jerry. Is here?
At this moment very is occupied.
Too much behind schedule.
Never is too much behind schedule.
I will do the tariff to Him of group,
since he is friend of Zerkov.
he/she wanted to slap to him, to fight with him, to squash to him!
But was not available
and everything
everything disappeared.
God mine!
This is wonderful.
What stupid I have been! We did not need to fight! Enjoy!
Well saying, that one is the spirit.
I can
to lay down to me with anyone of those women?
Yes. With anyone of them.
How much costs?
the minimum tariff is 1 00 dollars.
Accept cards.
She.
Liza.
Its credit card, please.
She attracted to me immediately.
specially I liked
that did not smile.
pleased to Me that it found me repulsive.
he/she married with my mood.
the images followed one another in my brain,
despoliation of my degradation.
they sprouted in me misfortune and resentment.
he/she wanted to be able, domination.
had not found to Zerkov,
but had found a new objective.
From where you are?
Of Minnesota.
you take long time here?
In the city?
No. In this site.
Two weeks.
To you what matters to you?
does not matter to me. It gives pain me.
Pain of whom?
Pain of you.
watch over.
That caused to me.
I was being very amiable with her.
Affluent you think that works?
I do not think anything.
That is the bad thing, that you do not think.
If you did it you would return crazy.
to work in this cavern of death!
You can practice '' safe sex '', clear.
But you can do it two, three thousand times?
You are completely safe that there will be no an error?
That will not break condom?
In addition, are many possibilities that you finish hung.
- non volume drugs. - That Can now no.
But hopes to haberte open of legs for 2,000 uncles.
Devils, if I saw myself swimming in a lake of semen rancid
would be attempted to take them.
Gives You equal to be alive or dead?
you would have to begin to think before it is behind schedule.
You are young, handsome.
You could love, to marry, to be happy.
all those that are married is not happy.
No, but is better than to work here. Infinitely better.
look at me , laid down here with you.
I am worse than you.
we end up screw and we have not opened the mouth in all along.
Is now when we are doing it.
Is degrading that I can arrive here drunk
and to resort to a credit card stops
to throw me to a stranger.
Is repugnant!
- Is shameful! - Yes!
She really interested to me.
tired and was irritated.
He/she had to avoid to fall
in the sentimentality.
How you arrived here?
I do not know it.
You would not like to return to your house?
No
Surely that your house was worse than this.
So that if it would not love a girl like you to come here?
A girl like I?
you do not belong to this place. It is obvious that he is not worthy of you.
Can that showed manipulator to me,
but also was sincere.
I also come from badly a home. Or rather I grew without him.
perhaps for that reason I am so insensible.
you are not insensible.
Thanks, but
yes that I am it.
grow without affection, father nor mother.
Can that for that reason thinks
as much in the love.
all the married ones is not happy,
but the marriage is something more than said.
Surely that you will discover it
if you marry to you sometimes.
If it is that you marry to you.
see you puts patient here to me.
You are young and attractive, but
you will become old, or worry something and will be dead in a year.
Now you are young, but it leaves says you that when waking up,
after having screw, I have felt ill.
To be here with you!
the love, Liza.
the love is it everything.
you are throwing It everything by the hut: health,
beauty
and hope.
Within two years will seem that you have 40
if still you are alive.
Liza.
had obtained my intention.
had put legs above its feelings.
By spite.
Era an authentic emotion.
and entered the panic to me
Liza, affection, Liza.
God mine, Liza, pardon me.
I have been unjust.
Toma.
Is my direction.
I want that you leave this
and you come with me.
I will go .
Well.
I leave.
- Good bye. - Good bye.
was astonished by my sentimentality towards Liza.
So that it had given my direction him?
And if one appeared? What would do then?
What had done?
Good, that it comes.
What can do to me? Is not more than one prostitute .
I will laugh myself in its face, I will throw it.
But had a more pressing problem.
He/she had to save the type with Zerkov, Simon and the others.
That was crucial and required rapidity and decision.
What pleasant surprise. Here you are: to your radiating hour and.
Yes, good morning.
I have a favor that to request to him, Anthony.
Yes?
Could lend 1 to me 00 $? Or better 1 50
that is 1 60.
Is very important.
Is something personal that turns out to me very embarrassing to explain.
- I will give back them when it receives. - Clear. Account with it.
Thanks.
but promise me that you will not forget this time, like the previous one.
No, no. There were circumstances
extenuating. I do not know if it understands what I mean.
What I say is that nothing of extenuating circumstances, is worth?
Sure would lack more, of no way
Limit to give back the 1 to me 60 dollars
the next Thursday.
I will pay the 1 60 next Thursdays to Him.
- Without the smaller doubt. - Very well. Dame my checkbook.
In fact, would prefer it in cash.
Then will be necessary to hope until lunch time.
- Cannot go now to the teller? - No. I do not have time.
Is well, a check will be worth.
Good morning.
Could put it to name of one third person?
Normally would not request something thus, but it is important.
No, hopes.
Send to my name. I will enter it and do one of my account.
You have been decided already?
Send to my name as it were going to do. It will be worth perfectly.
we passed It wonderfully last night.
a celebration with companions of studies
in a deprived dining room of the Coffee of Paris.
Yes? What good.
Thanks.
Is a pleasure.
I must say that the tone did not worry to me about Anthony.
Although would not have cost anything to be courteous the subject yet to him.
I wrote one notices immediately for Simon who accompanied the heel.
With tact,
elegance
and, mainly, brevity. It blamed to me
of everything what it had happened.
today I even feel enchanted with the slight, accidental tone,
that I was able to transmit.
said to Him to Simon who did not feel to me violent by the happened thing.
blame to the wine of my behavior.
perhaps and everything happened through the wine that I drank.
No, was not the wine.
No, I lay to him to Simon.
I lied blatantly.
But then did not feel to me ashamed.
it seemed the appropriate thing given the situation.
- Hay some problem? - No, no problem.
- Then, so that it does not take care of to him? - I am taking care of to Him.
Are taken care of you?
APPROVED
Following!
had been able to excuse and to pay my debt to me.
My letter solved everything.
But still worried Liza to me.
troubled to Me that it could appear.
What happens?
he/she would see that pigpen lived in one.
Can that was not only that.
Was something worse, something dirtier
The lies!
Would lie to Him again! he/she knew that it would do it!
perhaps I lay to him.
But also I said some truths to him.
That she had been believed.
Its weeping was well,
and could have a positive effect in her.
No, you are not
you are not insensible
No, you are not it.
you are not cruel, you are not cruel.
disturbed all the night Again to me.
Nevertheless, to the following morning,
I rejected everything like a sinsentido product of my nerves,
a exaggeration.
But knew that Liza would come anyway,
if not that day, to the following one.
Another recurrent idea was the one to go to see it, to excuse to me,
and to request to him that it did not come.
But that irritated to me!
So that it had to request excuses to him?
Who thinks that it is?
Who was believed she who was?
the time
was stopped
stopped
immovable
very
immovable
Very,
very
immovable.
did not appear and I began to calm.
felt trusted to Me at night specially.
By day, even dreamed wide-awake that came to me
and that spoke with her, opened its mind, taught it.
and finally discovered that loved to me,
but pretended not to give account me.
I do not know so that it pretended such thing.
I suppose that to make it more interesting.
Soon we began to live together.
we married.
Finally learned to love the nature.
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
it continued advanced with that fantasy until it caused nauseas to me.
everything was so absurd.
thought, a little while: prostitute is one, will not let it march.
Next was sure that it would come.
hated It, but it wanted more that it came, than nothing in the world.
Turn off that syphilitic music, damn defective!
Turn it off!
Already is well!
Already is well!
- Yes? - I want that you lower music.
Go to shit .
So that you are not going away to shit? I cannot nor think!
- You are a man or a fucking mouse? - call to the police!
you want that it calls to the police?
What happens?
You are well, uncle?
I feel It.
- Passes something to You? - I will not return to call.
you want to happen?
sit, please.
You would have to take off the shelter.
we go away. Good bye.
you find Me in an uncomfortable situation.
you do not imagine anything.
does not shame to me to be without money.
I
In fact, I am proud of it. I mean that I am poor, but
What happens?
Liza.
You despise to Me?
I
he/she wanted to leave there.
to leave
that place
where we knew ourselves.
the heart burned to me with mercy,
but something repugnant within me
drowned the compassion,
even caused greater wrath to me.
did not worry to me what it happened.
I feel It.
So that you have come? You can respond me to that?
So that you are here?
answer me !
answer me
I will say to You so that you have come.
Because I said a pile to you of nonsense,
you feel sentimental and you want to hear them again.
Could to tell you that I laughed myself of you then
like I laugh to me now of you. I did it
because they finished insulting to me.
had humiliated to Me during the supper
and I went to the despicable House of the Blue Lamps
because it wanted to give a lesson goat that it insulted to me.
But was
fuck with another one prostitute, so I was myself with you.
and you thought that she was there for save you. Is not thus?
Is that what you believed?
save you?
save you of what?
I am worse than you!
Why did not you say to me that it was shit when I give a lecture?
Why did not you ask to me if I had been going to preach or to fuck?
To be able!
That is what I want!
I only look for to be able!
look for your tears,
your humiliation, your hysteria.
I was not able to obtain it because I am weak, scoundrel.
and because it was scared.
I do not know so that I gave my direction you.
When arriving at house already was cursing to you for that reason,
and I hate to you by the lies that I said to you.
There are been prostrate three days whole here,
terrified before the idea that you appeared.
and, you know a thing?
you know what is what it worried to me more?
That you thought that it was some class of hero
and you came and you found me thus.
And never I will pardon to you that you have heard my confession!
I hate to You to be here,
to listen to me.
You do not have right to hear what I am saying to you!
What you want? What plus you want?
So that you follow here? So that you do not march to you?
get out!
get out!
I cannot be good.
You are well?
You want to drink something?
No, thanks.
You are well?
I do not believe that it has nothing, except water.
Is well. I do not need anything.
Is midnight. I must work tomorrow.
you want that it goes to me?
No
Really?
You are safe?
- I do not want to abuse. - I have said that no.
I do not want that you return to that site.
Thanks.
Where you work?
In the City council, the Department of Urbanism.
In serious?
Is a work that demands much.
Surely.
Does not matter to you that it spends the night here?
Already you I have said it.
Yes.
You must be very tired.
Yes.
All yours.
a woman in my apartment.
Who would have thought it?
Somebody wished to pass the night with me.
Soon I thought: prostitute is only one.
Although did not come by sex, but by another thing
like somebody needed.
it meant that that had stopped being one prostitute ?
You are not tired?
Always I read before sleeping.
Good morning!
You have slept in the ground?
I am not customary to sleep with anybody.
I feel much.
I feel fatal. I could have slept in I am accustomed to.
does not pass anything.
Then,
I close the door when it goes to me?
Gracias
for being so amiable with me.
I believe that I have another key.
take that.
This is of
I will see You later?
I suppose that yes.
I have to go to me, is worth?
Good bye.
Good bye.
I was thinking: so that I have given the key him?
What had seized of me?
No, had to carry to me like a hero.
Make a great gesture.
To give the keys him of the kingdom.
And now what? I thought that a day
would approach to me by house of Simon to chat.
Where would finish everything?
Never had thanked for so much to have my work.
Even so, could not let think about Liza.
waited that it had the decency
to release themselves and to leave me peacefully.
That perhaps left
a note of gratefulness to have changed its life,
before disappearing delicately for always.
That is everything?
How?
Is everything?
let us wait that yes.
APPROVED
While it directed to me to house, feared that Liza still was there.
he/she feared also that had gone away.
the love is a bitter dilemma.
Hello.
I have cleaned a little. I hope that it does not matter to you.
Is not well.
What so the work?
Horrible.
Always is horrible.
I feel It.
I believe that I have found a job.
a normal work.
In warehouses.
and I have found a small study that I can rent.
Already.
Is near here.
Wonderful.
Go somewhat badly?
Badly?
What can go badly?
thought that you would be glad.
- At least a little. By me. - To cheer to me for you?
No
Yes.
After which you said.
After which I did
to change
and after the one of last night.
Has not been happened to you
to think that
are other things in my life?
Other things that me make unfortunate.
That I perhaps like to be unfortunate if it is the price of being honest.
I feel It.
did not try
to be egoistic.
you have been very good with me.
I do not want to be a load for you.
I do not have so that to have left here tonight.
Clear that you do not have so that to stay .
did not mean that.
She had included/understood it everything already.
To the aim had managed to insult it.
knew that my fit of passion was only revenge.
Already knew that I was
despicable,
incapable to love it.
That was incapable to love anybody.
For me to love means to tyrannize.
a battle by the domination.
is not a .reason question. The reason is the disease.
Watch me.
Watch me.
Watch me!
I am a worm
ridiculous,
stingy,
sickly.
But other worms does not feel
ashamed or disturbed.
That is my curse.
Good bye.
Good bye.
Liza.
Liza.
So that I ran after her? So that?
To request to him that it pardoned to me!
looked for desperately its pardon!
So that?
If it had found it, if had pardoned to me,
would not have begun to torment it again?
stay there without moving to me!
Average dead, with the sore heart.
But was better to let march it.
Was better for her than it hated to me. It would give him
something reason why to feel superior.
Never I returned to see Liza.
Even now, many years later,
all this is very
disagreeable to remember,
to confess.
I have so many disagreeable memories.
Can that this confession is an error.
I have felt shamed all along.
is not as much a confession as a moral history
to show how I have ruined my life,
by pure resentment.
All we have deserted of the custom to live.
live is annoyying.
All we preferred to see the life by television.
All more or less we are fool.
In my life I have only reached a logical conclusion,
whereas you they have not approached nor of distant spot hers.
they confuse cowardice with decency.
is consoled being deceived themselves.
Can that I am more I live that you!
But already is well. Notes from the underground.