% % [Rock]
Come on, man.
Little steps. Little steps.
Come on, man.
You look like you're gonna cry. Come on.
All right.
I just want you to remember
one thing, pal.
Everybody here loves you, okay?
Do you have your shots?
[Chuckles]
[Men Cheering]
Hey.!
Hey, Jeremy!
[Man]
Come on, man. Come on. Everybody's here.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey, dead man walkin'!
[Chattering]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Hey,J. Man, let me see those hands.
You scared?
What's up, Jer?
This is premium shit.
- Premium. Get a sip of that.
- [Man #2] Give me some, you drunk.
- Don't change.
- Hey, Jer. How you doing?
[Chattering]
[Laughing]
Jeremy, this is for us.
Kerri's not gonna see this.
- Oh, yes, she is.
- Don't do it, Jeremy.
Don't do it.
Jer, I gotta do it, my friend.
Sorry, buddy.
[Man Shouting] Are we ready
for the main event, gentlemen?
- Let's get it ready to rock!
- [Men Cheering]
Oh, come on, Jeremy.
"A" game here, pal.
Let's get it on!
This evening's entertainment.
Hey, ladies.
[All Cheering]
Yes.!
[Man #3]
Oh, man, that's the best you can do?
[Man]
Oh, yeah.
That's why we love you!
[Mouths Words]
I killed the hooker.
She's fuckin' dead!
- [Record Needle Scratches]
- [Man #4] Oh, man, you gotta be kidding me.
Okay, she's not dead.
- She's just real sore.
- [Men] Ooh.!
Please. The only thing
that's sore on me is my ear.
Who's next?
How 'bout it, bachelor?
- Uh, no-no, thanks. Maybe next time.
- [Men Groaning]
- I'll go.
- [Man #3] That's gonna be
the longest 30 seconds of her life.
Hey, man, what are you doing?
You can't bring your fiance here.
Come on.
- Would you relax, man.
- I can't relax. I'm gonna tell them.
No. No.
Come on, man. Don't do it.
Look, you're gonna
ruin everyone's time.
"Ruin everyone's time"?
I'm not gonna tell them we're out of beer.
Oh, man. Jer...
[Grunts]
Just let it go.
% % [Rock Continues]
[Mutters]
- [Men Chattering, Laughing]
- % % [Ends]
% % [Rock Resumes]
Whoo.
[Chuckling]
[Slurring]
Look at you. I mean, you...
you-you look a nervous wreck.
You know what it is, don't you?
It is a sign.
Nerves are a sign
that somethin' ain't right.
You should heed the sign
so that you know...
and stop what it is you doin'.
[Belches]
[Belches]
Instincts.
An animal always relies
on his instincts.
You think a rabbit...
wanders into a dark cave
that he's never been in before?
Hell no! That's because
his instincts tell him that it's wrong.
He needs his instincts to survive.
He's always listening to them.
Jeremy...
if your instincts are telling you
this is wrong...
then by God,
get out of the dark cave, brother.
Stop the wed... wedding.
Well, my instincts are telling me
if I continue to stand here...
I'm gonna be scraping some
pretty nasty stuff off my shoes.
So I'm gonna listen to them.
Thanks.
- Oh, man.
- [Retching]
Nurse, get this guy a drink!
Get this guy a drink.
% % [Humming "Here Comes The Bride"]
- Right.
- % % [Humming "Here Comes The Bride"]
God, look at this shit.
This makes me sad.
I bet you've been getting horror stories
about married life, am I right?
- Yeah, I've gotten a few.
- Don't believe the hype, sir.
I incurred all that shit
back when I was getting married.
Everyone told me all sorts of bad things
about getting married.
None of those horror stories
happened to me.
I fucking... I love being married.
I fucking love it, dude!
My wife is my life. And you know
what the secret to marriage is?
- What's that?
- You get out of it what you put into it.
Exactly what you put into it.
If your life in marriage becomes some
sort of horrible Stephen King novel...
it is because you yourself
are Dolores Claiborne.
- That's cool.
- Guys have this weird thing about marriage.
They see it as this big fucking commitment,
but that's just bullshit, man.
'Cause commitment, I always say,
is just a word. Okay?
Commitment is just a word.
By the time you're ready to get married...
you've already been
in a committed relationship for a while, right?
So at that point, marriage is just
a ceremony and a killer fucking party...
and a change in your tax status,
that's right.
- Well, I guess you're right.
- Of course I'm fucking right!
That's why I'm sharing this with you
'cause I know it's tough to find a commiserator
amongst all these knuckleheads.
No, I appreciate it.
I appreciate that. Thank you.
And let me tell you about one more thing
to ease your conscience... the bachelor party.
- Please.
- The bachelor party is kind of like
declaring martial law...
for married guys,
or about-to-be married guys.
So, what I'm saying,
is at that point...
all the rules and all the structures
get kicked to the fucking curb, right?
So that means you relax,
you have a good time... a very good time.
- No worries, man. No worries.
- Yeah. All right.
- I love you. I love you to death.
- Thanks for coming.
- Okay.
- Who's next?
Uh, that'd be me.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Mmm!
Jeremy, I'm gonna get out of this
exactly what I put into it.
- You are tall, ain't you?
- [Laughing]
"Commitment is just a word."
Well, apparently.
Yeah. Then again,
we are under martial law.
You know what, Shane?
- Time for my announcement.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.
Why you so hell-bent on doing this?
Because... this is my bachelor party...
and my wedding has been canceled.
See what I'm getting at? Secondly, I don't
wanna hear any more stupid theories
on marriage from these clowns.
And lastly, to get this goddamn
bowling ball off my leg.
Mmm. Well, as far
as the bowling ball goes, it stays.
[Clears Throat]
We lost the keys.
And as far as the bullshit theories
on marriage go...
well, at least...
you can ignore them,
you can blow 'em off.
They don't mean anything to you.
If you go around telling everybody here...
that you got dumped, you're gonna have
to start hearing their theories on that.
[Jeremy]
I didn't get dumped.
Wait. No, don't...
don't get upset, all right?
What? What are you getting upset at? If anyone
has a reason to get upset, it should be me.
- Why should you be upset?
- Because...
you guys call off the wedding and I'm stuck
with airplane tickets to New Jersey.
I get one... one vacation a year, Jer...
and I gotta spend it in the land
of chicks with big hair?
And the Boss? I mean,
what kind of vacation is that?
Jer, listen.
This is a situation
that most guys would kill for...
a totally guilt-free bachelor party.
- How cool is that?
- Hey.
Time for the time-honored tradition...
the creaming of the breasts.
[Chuckles]
Hey!
[Laughs]
- All right, I'll go with it a little longer.
- Yes! Yes! That is more like it.
Just... what do you guys
do in Jersey for fun, anyway?
[Man]
You making love to that? Hmm?
Are you gonna drink that?
What are you doin'?
[Man #2]
Oh. Uh... Uh, I'm sorry. My bad, man.
I was just thinking.
[Sighs]
I tell ya, man. The more and more
I think about it...
Prince is pretty fucking cool.
What?
You know what I mean, man?
Relatively speaking.
Well, at least he ain't like
that Michael Jackson character...
always doing, like,
weird stuff and shit.
Like now he wants to, like, fucking buy
the Elephant Man's bones and, like...
screwin' around
with little boys and shit.
- You know what I'm saying.
- Yeah, nothing wrong with Prince.
Little dude with a pompadour running around
in fuck-me boots singing like a chick.
Yeah, he's weird, like...
I mean...
Okay, I wouldn't hang out with him
or anything...
but at least he's married to a hot chick
and he ain't screwing around with little boys.
The only reason he's not screwing around
with little boys is he can't hold 'em down.
The scrawny fucker's
only four feet tall.
[Laughing] Michael Jackson ain't exactly
Stone Cold Steve Austin, ya know.
No, but he'd kick Prince's
little bitch-ass.
What?
You ever see those kicks
Prince throws out on stage?
He'd take Michael Jackson out
with one of those roundhouses into his shit.
The Rockettes kick when they sing.
It doesn't make 'em black belts.
I never said he was a black belt. I just said
he'd kick Michael Jacksons ass any day.
- I'd put money on it.
- Please, Biscuit, you're giving me
a headache with that.
Call Don King and set it up.
But until then...
finish that up and let's do this.
You ready?
[Whispering]
Did you hear that?
You didn't hear that fucking noise?
What was it?
It sounded...
It sounded like "When Doves Cry."
[Laughing]
You scared the shit out of me,
fucking asshole. Fuck you.
% % [Whistles "Shave And A Haircut"]
[Door Slams]
[Snoring]
[Chuckling]
[Coughs]
[Sighs]
[Urinating]
[Banging]
[Light Switch Clicks]
[Banging]
[Chuckles]
- Oh, shit.
- [Laughing] That was so fucking close!
Now that, my friend,
is what it's all about.
Good going with the pictures.
I like that one. It's subtle, you know.
Who knows when he's gonna
notice that shit? It's gonna fuck him up!
- He's gonna be calling Ghostbusters.
- [Laughs] Ghostbusters.
Oh, man, we gotta bring Jeremy with us
sometime, dude. He'll fucking dig this.
Hey, shit stain, Jeremy's coming home
to get married.
I don't think he'll have time to go
breaking into people's houses with us.
Maybe we could bring a stripper
and call it a bachelor party.
I heard Clyde pimps out Bonnie
for just that kind of thing.
[Engine Starts]
Let's get outta here.
[Jeremy] Shane, how am I gonna get
through the metal detector with this thing on?
- [Shane] What, are you kidding me?
You ever see the people who watch these things,
man? They probably won't even notice.
It's scary to think they're
the first line of defense against terrorism.
Well, sad as they are,
I think they'll notice this.
- And what's Kerri gonna think?
- Hey. Hey, who cares what she thinks?
Just tell her it's a little reminder
of the kick-ass bachelor party you had.
It'll probably burn her up
that you still went through with it.
- I'm not trying to burn her up, Shane.
- Why not?
Because if I piss her off, I'll never find out
why she called off the wedding.
I can't believe you don't know.
I haven't had a chance
to really talk to her yet.
I finally get one and I've got
a bowling ball chained to my leg.
- Whoa. What? Are you afraid
you're gonna have to run away?
- I might.
Well, in that case...
- [Jeremy] You've had the key this whole time?
- What?
I broke three tiles in my bathroom
trying to shower with this.
- [Whimpering, Laughing]
- You're a prick.
Shut up.
Glad to see you're having fun.
Kerri, wait.
- Hurry up.
- [Chain Rattling]
- Kerri.!
- All right, all right. You're free.
- Hey, Jer. Don't forget to pick me up
in Jersey tomorrow!
- Kerri.
Jer!
Okay, here we go.
What the hell was that supposed to mean,
"Glad to see you're having fun"?
Come on, Jeremy. You don't think
I got the message out there?
- What message? What are you talking about?
- We're flying home for what
would be our wedding, but it's not...
and your friend is removing a ball and chain
from your ankle for me to see?
I got the message.
It was very cute.
Jesus, Kerri, that's not what that was.
That was for my bachelor party last night.
Your bachelor party?
Jeremy, we're not getting married.
Yeah, I've heard.
Let me ask you
a real stupid question.
Have you told everybody
that the wedding's off yet?
[Sighs]
[Scoffs]
Unbelievable.
Look, Kerri, l-I have told
a few people...
but every time I tell someone,
they say, "What happened?"
I don't know what happened.
So the next time somebody asks you
what happened, tell them you don't know.
They'll understand.
Don't worry, Jeremy.
I'm not gonna bother you the whole flight.
As soon as everyone gets on,
I'm gonna find an empty seat and move.
No. Kerri, I don't want you to move.
I wanna talk to you.
- Oh, you wanna talk now, huh?
- Yes.
You didn't wanna talk
the night we called the wedding off.
You didn't wanna talk
when you moved out.
Here. There's a magazine...
'cause it's too late for talking.
Hey, slick, why don't you
move on over?
Come on.
[Pilot] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for choosing West-To-East Airlines...
for today's nonstop flight
from Las Vegas to Newark, New Jersey.
Due to a cancellation
of last night's red-eye flight...
we're expecting a full flight
this morning.
So we're gonna ask that you move
to your seats and keep the aisles clear...
so we can finish the boarding process
and begin final preparations before takeoff.
Thank you.
[Man] Good morning, ladies.
Off to school, are we?
- [Biscuit] Would you like to take a ride?
- Do you need a tutor?
[Biscuit]
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Yo, my name's Biscuit.
Show me your buns.
[Boy] Look at these fucking guys.
What a life they got.
- [Boy #2] Hell yeah.
- That doesn't seem like work to me.
I'm thinking about asking them
for a summer job. How cool would that be?
Are you kidding? Justin Calderone
worked for 'em last summer.
He was in a 12-step program by August.
Look at 'em.
It's 7:30 in the morning
and they're drinking already.
I heard by noon he had to drive the truck.
And Justin didn't even have a license.
I'm surprised they still
have all their limbs.
I mean, look at all those mowers
and Weedwhackers.
That's pretty dangerous.
It's just a matter of time.
S'up?
Sir, I'm sorry. She's gonna have
to return her seat to the upright position.
- We're about to land.
- Yeah, okay.
Sorry about the drool.
Yeah, it's okay.
Uh, sorry about the gum.
[Groans]
I blew a bubble.
You moved your head.
[Groans]
I'm gonna rent a car. I can give you
a lift to your parent's house.
No, thanks.
Marty's coming to get me.
Besides, I don't know if it's a good idea
for you to be around my dad right now.
What do you mean? Kerri, you're the one
that called off the wedding, not me.
I know, but I'm sure he thinks
it's because of something you did.
I didn't do anything. I even offered
to pay back half the money.
It's not about the money, Jeremy.
I got the deposit back
from the reception hall.
- I thought it was nonrefundable.
- It was...
but, um... but my mom said you died.
They sent us an arrangement
of flowers and a nice card.
Well, that was sure supporting of them.
Did your mother put them on my grave?
What the hell...
Kerri, this is stupid. Let me drive you home.
It's not like I have to come into your house.
You don't have to stay, Jer.
She'll be here.
Is Jersey that depressing
you had to go straight to the bar?
- God, you look great!
- I gave into society and joined some bullshit gym.
You're looking pretty hot yourself.
I guess the single life is agreeing with you.
Hey, Jeremy, how you doing?
[Groaning]
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Was those your little nuts, scumbag?
- Marty, you said you wouldn't do that!
[Marty]
I'm sorry. It was a freak thing.
- It was like a spasm.
- Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I just like to
stretch out after long plane rides.
What better place than right here
on the floor?
I'm sorry. I didn't know
she was gonna do that.
She's just disappointed she's not gonna
be maid of honor this weekend.
You called off the wedding, not me.
Because of something you did,
I'm sure.
I'm gonna have to explain this
a million times this week.
Maybe then people will understand.
Until then, you should
probably get a cup.
Good-bye, Jeremy.
I don't know what you did,
but you're killing her.
You know that, right?
% % [Rock]
[Whimpering]
Motherfucker!
% % [Continues]
[Whimpering]
[Whimpering]
% % [Continues Indistinctly]
- [Lawn Mower Clanks]
- [Whimpering]
[Banging]
Hey, Dad.
Dad?
Dad?
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, handsome.
- How was your flight?
- Oh, you know, it was long.
- Yeah.
- So, is Dad losing his hearing?
- [Chuckles] What?
- You guys are ready for a home. I knew it.
You okay, Jeremy?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
Things are just a little weird
right now.
Yeah. Everybody's asking me what happened,
and I don't know what to tell 'em.
I'm sorry. I should have called 'em.
I don't know what to tell 'em either though.
Well, I'll keep holding 'em off,
and when you're ready to talk to 'em, you can.
In the meantime, you must be starving.
You want something to eat?
Yeah, I could eat.
Biscuit, I'm not trying to be
the boss or nothing here...
but you gotta stop doing that.
We work in a dangerous environment
where accidents are bound to happen.
But we can't afford to lose
any more customers...
not to mention what
that does to the blades.
You know...
she didn't call the police
until you got there, Gil.
Hey, I was just doing
some damage control.
I was looking for a bright side. Just because she
wasn't quite ready for that, don't blame me!
You don't have to yell.
I agreed with you, Gil.
Her lawn will grow back
healthier and thicker.
I just think she needed a little bit more time
before you started showing her the benefits.
That's all.
- [Scoffs]
- Maybe if we just pretended nothing happened...
we could have come back next week
and she would have forgotten about it.
"Pretended nothing happened"? Her backyard
was so red, it looked like fucking Mars.
I don't mean pretend it didn't happen.
I mean, obviously it did.
I just think we should have acted
like it was no big deal.
The dog's tongue actually hit her.
Can we just drop it, please?
Frankly, the whole thing
is just a buzz kill, man.
You think Jeremys home yet?
[Chuckles]
Our blushing groom? Probably.
[Chuckles]
Shit, man.
Jeremy's getting married.
That's weird.
We're gonna have to
bring, like, flowers...
or, like, a bottle of wine
when we go over to his house now.
Biscuit, when did you become Joe Rockefeller,
lavishing gifts on women?
For your information,
I happen to have quite a reputation...
for being very generous
when it comes to the ladies.
[Scoffs] What? The last date you had
was in sixth grade with Sarah Fargis.
And the only thing I'm aware
of you giving her was scabies.
Is that your idea
of a generous gift... a parasite?
Sarah Fargis gave me scabies.
That's why I broke up with her.
And I have had many dates
since Miss Fargis, thank you.
Oh, you broke up with her, huh?
Biscuit, need I remind you that you were the only
kid in elementary school with a restraining order?
You weren't allowed on the playground
for recess, for Christ sakes.
All right, all right! Man!
Fuck that Fargis bitch!
- Can we please just go call Jeremy?
- Sure.
[Man]
% I could never take the advice%
% Oh, it's all pretty slow%
% lf I were to hold my heart
into my hands%
% All its broken pieces%
% Slip through my fingers%
% In a world there's so many people%
- % Who tried their hands at love%
- [Speed Dialing]
- % % [Continues]
- [Line Ringing]
[Line Ringing]
[Kerri]
Hello. Hello?
- Hello?
- % Will I play that part again%
- [Ringing]
- % lf I took my own life%
% Would you be the one% %
- Hello?
- [Gil] Hey, shit stain.
- Hey, Gil, what's up, man?
- How's it going?
- I'm good. How you doing?
- I'm all right. How was Sin City?
Vegas is hot. It was 100 degrees when I left.
That was 8:30 this morning.
- Good God. Is the broad with you?
- No, she's at her parent's house.
- So, are you nervous?
- No. Why should I be nervous?
- You wanna go down to the Bootlegger?
- Yeah. Is Biscuit with you?
- Isn't he always?
- Cool.
- Do you need a lift?
- No, it's okay. I got a rental car.
- It's kind of cool
seeing everything again, you know?
- As if anything's changed.
We're, like, stuck in a time capsule here.
It's very sad. I'll see you there.
All right. I'll see you there.
I need you.
- That's 20 bucks, asshole.
- Fuck.
What's 20 bucks?
I bet Gil here 20 bucks that you'd come out
of the closet before the end of the year.
Out of the closet?
I am not gay.
- Yeah.
- I'm just saying that the homosexual lifestyle...
in theory, is ideal.
Uh-huh. You're gay.
- [Scoffs] You know what I'm saying.
- No, I don't.
I'm just saying guys and girls
are just two different animals.
Cats and dogs if you will.
Guys are like the dogs...
not too bright, they like to take rides in cars
and they hump anyone's leg two seconds
after they meet them.
- Accurate?
- For argument's sake, okay.
All right. Now, girls
are like the cats...
a little mysterious,
kind of standoffish.
It takes a long time to win 'em over, right?
But once you do win 'em over...
they're all rubbing on your leg
and purring they love you and shit.
Now, do cats love dogs?
For the most part, no. Why? Because
they're two different animals. It's unnatural.
That's not to say there aren't
cats and dogs that do get along.
But that takes special circumstances.
They need to be raised together.
One of them needs to be blind
or something fucked up.
Now, do dogs like dogs?
They sure do. Two dogs meet, two minutes later,
they're going at it wherever they are.
Why? Because they're the same animal!
They already know what each other wants.
There's no games.
Guys all know what other guys want... sex.
That's it. No romance,
no long strolls on the beach.
Just straight-up nasty sex.
You guys follow this?
Allow me...
macho man.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Fruitcake.
I can't believe I left a gay guy
in charge of the bachelor party.
I am not gay!
I just know what works and what doesn't.
And men dating men works.
- That was nice.
- You know...
You know, I can't believe this doesn't
make sense to you guys. Think about it.
There'd be no more arguing
about what to watch on TV.
You could wear each other's clothes.
You wouldn't have to buy that fat-free shit
at the supermarket. It just works, man.
- Are you done?
- There'd be no more laboring
over fancy pick-up lines.
It's just, "Hi. I'm Biscuit.
Wanna fuck?"
Will you... For Christ sakes, man!
Once you guys come out of the closet,
it's gay this and gay that.
Where the hell is Jeremy?
At least he's getting married.
- I don't have to worry about him
turning gay on me.
- Aha!
- I'm glad you brought up getting married.
- Oh.
I believe weddings are the only reason
girls and guys are together.
Wedding's a strictly female thing. Guys could give
a shit about a wedding or if they ever get married.
That's why girls marry guys...
so they can be the center of attention.
If girls were to marry girls, they'd have to share
the spotlight. And they're not about to do that.
So, they marry guys. Do you think Jeremy
knows anything about his wedding?
No. He could care less, I'll bet.
- Can I buy you two drunks a beer?
- [Gil] Hey.!
- [Biscuit] Hey, man.
- You guys haven't left these stools
since I left you last, huh?
- Yeah, we like it here.
- What's going on?
You just missed it.
Biscuit just came out of the closet.
- Really? Did you pay Al?
- I had to.
I am not gay!
- Jeremy, what color are
the bridesmaid dresses?
- I don't know.
- See, he could give a shit.
- Uh-huh.
Jeremy, how you doin'?
You're gettin' ready for the big day?
- How are you? You look good.
- How 'bout I buy you a drink on the house?
- It's on me.
- I'll take a beer.
You got it.
And how 'bout for the lady?
A spritzer? Glass of wine?
Don't rush me.
- You done with work today?
- [Gil] Uh, yeah. I think we'll call it a day.
- [Al] Here you go.
- Don't stop on my account.
We have plenty of time for a bachelor party.
No, we're not stopping on your account.
We're stopping on his.
He ran over a dog this morning.
Again?
- This time it was an accident.
- [Scoffs]
Uh-huh.
So, what's this wedding
gonna be like?
What do you mean?
What do you think it's gonna be like, jackass?
I don't know.
I've never been to a wedding before.
- You've never been to a wedding?
- Hasn't your sister married?
- Yeah, but I only saw pictures.
- You didn't go to your own sister's wedding?
No. My folks said I wouldn't like it.
They said there'd be, like, a lot of, um, like,
dancing and, like, singing in Italian.
That's not a wedding.
That's an opera.
You're not even Italian anyway.
I thought it sounded kind of strange too.
Anyway, I think we should
talk about the wedding.
I know you guys tried to tell me
it was a mistake.
[Gil] Oh. I knew this was gonna
come up sooner or later.
Jer, Biscuit and I
were just being selfish.
You know, we wanted you
to stay one of the guys.
Since you and Kerri went away
to school together...
and stuck it out
and made a life for yourselves...
I mean, we couldn't be happier for you.
Kerri is a beautiful, gorgeous girl...
and quite frankly,
I'm a little jealous.
Me too!
Et tu, Biscuit?
I mean, Kerri's a great catch.
She's smart, she's funny...
she's beautiful.
What more could a man ask for?
[Sighs]
I know we should have said this
to you sooner, but you guys live in Vegas.
- It's not like we see you a lot.
- I can't believe you guys want me to get married.
Yeah, of course we do, man.
Kerri and I broke up.
The wedding's off.
Really?
Yeah, really.
We're not getting married.
- That's fuckin' great!
- No man should ever get married!
- Really? This... It's off?
- Yeah, it's off.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a stay of execution.
- Thank you, Governor. Close call.
- You guys are happy about this?
- Of course we're happy.
I wouldn't wish marriage
on my worst enemy.
What about all that "you're lucky" stuff
and "I'm jealous" shit?
Dude, it almost killed me
to say that shit to you.
But we thought this is what you wanted,
so we should encourage you.
- Biscuit and I practiced all day yesterday.
- We were pretty good, huh?
Yeah.
- So why'd you dump her?
- Because she was smothering the shit out of him.
[Biscuit] Either that, or you hooked up
with one of them Vegas showgirls, right?
- Ooh, I forgot about the showgirls.
- [Chuckles]
Actually, she sort of
called off the wedding.
- She called it off? Why?
- Because she found someone new, asshole.
- Who's better than Jeremy? Come on.
- I don't know.
Somebody with a better future,
more money, better looks.
- Bigger dick.
- Ooh.
Hey, come on!
I got a big dick.
- Uh-huh.
- So why'd she do it then?
I don't know.
She said she just wasn't happy.
[Together]
Small dick.
Hey, will you guys shut up, please?
Can we drop it?
All right, look. We're sorry. Who cares why
she did it? Let's just be happy she did.
- Yeah.
- You, uh, need another beer, little man?
[Chuckles]
Are you sure?
Marty, please, of course I'm sure.
Who have I been spilling my guts to
all week long anyway?
Me, but I was sure that when I got you home, you'd
tell me all about your new man with the big prick.
Sorry to disappoint you, but this certainly
isn't about anybody with a big prick.
That tells us a little bit about Jeremy, and that
alone is grounds for calling off the wedding.
Oh, God, I wish it was that easy.
Then at least people would understand.
Kerri, people do understand.
They're just in shock.
Even I was a little surprised
when you called off the wedding.
When you first told me about it,
I just thought you had cold feet.
Yeah, I thought so too.
That's why it went on for so long.
[Knocking]
Come in.
[Boy]
Hey, Marty.
Mom wants to know if you can eat over.
Oh, thanks, stud, but I don't think so.
I haven't been feeling so good lately.
Shut up. Tell Mom she will.
Cliff.
Make sure I'm sitting next to you.
Absolutely.
[Door Closes]
What do you think would happen if I just
grabbed his little pecker underneath the table?
He would probably combust.
Yeah.
So, anyway, I just...
don't see anything wrong
with not wanting to marry a guy...
who's not in love with me anymore.
I want somebody who after 50 years
still looks at me like he's lucky to have me.
God, Marty, I thought you out of all people
in the world would understand that.
But it sounds like you think
I made a mistake too.
I don't think you made a mistake.
I'm just saying that sometimes...
it might be nice
to have someone who...
Marty, you don't even understand.
You've never been in a relationship
for more than a month.
You don't know what it's like...
to date a guy who treats you
more like a sister than a lover.
You break off every relationship
before it even gets to that.
Marty, no.
L-I really... I don't think
anything's wrong with that.
I actually think all women should
break up with guys after two months...
to avoid having to feel
the way I did with Jeremy.
When things started cooling down,
I felt like it was my fault...
like I wasn't attractive enough,
like I wasn't good enough.
I know I'm not, but anyway,
I really... I didn't mean it as a put-down.
No, I know you didn't. Listen, if I thought
you were putting me down, I'd kick your ass.
So what's wrong?
I'm pregnant.
Are you sure?
- Do you know whose it is?
- Of course I know whose it is.
Just because I've been out with a lot of guys
doesn't mean I've slept with them all.
Can I ask?
You don't know him.
He's just some guy.
- Did you tell him?
- No. I don't even know what I'm gonna do yet.
Oh, God, Marty. I'm so sorry.
Here I am going on and on about myself...
No, it's fine, really. I mean,
it helped me get my mind off of it.
It actually helped.
Well, I still feel like a jerk.
So what are you gonna do?
What can I do?
Well, I mean, is the guy willing
to help at least financially?
Yeah, I guess so.
He owns his own business.
You know what? I can't...
I can't really talk about this right now.
It's just... It was good
to tell someone. Thanks.
[Cliff]
Kerri, dinner.!
You know what? You really don't have to
stay for dinner. I completely understand.
Any chance your mom's got some
Mountain Dew ice cubes in the freezer?
- I'm cravin' 'em.
- I'll check.
Okay. Oh, hey.
What's the deal with the skivvies
under the mattress?
You know when you go camping and you put
your food up in a tree to keep it away
from the bears?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, when you have a 13-year-old brother...
you take the same precautions
with your underwear.
- Ew, fuck.
- Yeah.
[Biscuit]
All right. What's it gonna be?
- Him or me?
- Jer, look, you gotta do this.
If he goes over there,
we are gonna get kicked out of here.
We may even wind up in a fight.
Do you see her friend?
She looks a little scrappy.
I think she can take us.
I don't wanna do this.
I really don't.
I told you, I'm not ready for it.
- Okay, the choice is made.
- No, no, no.
- I'm going in.
- Wait. Jer, come on.
I've seen this a million times.
If he goes, it ain't gonna be pretty.
Look, if you go, it may go fine,
it may go bad.
But at least we'll get to stay here.
If he goes, we're gonna get kicked
out of here. Maybe even 86'd for good.
Is that what you want? Imagine never
stepping foot in the Bootlegger again.
Come on, man.
You gotta do this for all of us.
Look at her, man.
She's cute as hell.
Why don't you go then, Gil?
Because if I go over there,
I'm gonna leave with that broad.
In which case, you'd be stuck
here alone with Biscuit.
Look, look! Her friend is going
to the ladies' room. Now's the time.
- Come on. Do this, will ya?
- Hey. Hey.
Put in a good word for me
with her friend.
Biscuit, that chick could eat you.
- If I play my cards right.
- [Chuckles]
Can I buy you a drink?
Uh, I don't think so.
Just thought I'd ask.
That's a... That's a nice tattoo.
I've got one too. I've got a "W" tattooed
on each of my ass cheeks.
When I bend over, it says "Wow."
I'm Jeremy.
- I'm Lea.
- Hi, Lea.
- Can I be honest with you for a second?
- Sure.
- Would you like a drink?
- Oh, l... I really can't.
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Thanks.
I really didn't wanna come over here...
but, uh, if I didn't, one of my friends
over there was going to.
- And, well, I can tell by looking at you,
you seem like a nice person.
- [Bottles Clanking]
So, I wanted to save you from them.
Oh. Thanks, I think.
It's not that I'm not attracted to you,
'cause I am.
It's just that I'm engaged.
Oh, you're engaged?
Well, not right now, but, uh, I was.
We broke up.
Uh-huh. So what you're trying to tell me
is you're trying to get over somebody.
Uh, no. L...
My friends...
over there want me
to get over someone.
But I'm not sure I'm ready
to get over her.
- Who broke the engagement?
- Uh, she did.
Why?
- I don't know.
- Oh, you don't wanna talk about it.
Uh, no. I mean, I don't know
why she broke off the engagement.
Well, did she just walk out on you?
Uh, well, no.
I actually moved out.
You moved out after
she called off the engagement?
But you still don't know
why she called it off?
Did you love this girl?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did.
I still do.
Then how do you not know what happened?
Aren't you a little curious?
I really didn't wanna get into this with you.
I just wanted to buy you a drink.
How's a man just walk away from the woman
he loves and just shrug it off?
I'm not. There's a lot more to it
that I don't care to get into right now.
I don't understand.
I mean, you say that you love this woman.
And you must because you asked her
to marry you, but then when things
get a little strained, you just walk away?
- What the fuck is that?
- You...
Wait. Maybe I just got cold feet, all right?
Maybe I wasn't sure I was ready to get married yet.
- But apparently she wasn't either because
she was the one that called it off.
- Oh, well, how convenient for you.
She was probably just scared or nervous
and needed a little bit of reassurance from you.
I bet she would have loved to have known you
were having doubts and were nervous too...
so that you guys could overcome
them together, or at least try.
But... You did not love this girl.
Now, wait a minute. L-I did...
Yes, I did love... I still do.
What is with you? I should have sent Biscuit
over here. You're right up his alley.
I just wanted to buy you a drink,
and then tell my friends you were married
so they wouldn't bother you.
I was helping you out, believe it or not.
So, just... You know what? Good night.
Can I still have that drink?
That-That was the original plan, right?
Uh...
Yeah, yeah, I guess.
I could use one anyway. Tim.
- What'll it be?
- Alabama slammer and a shot of tequila.
Uh, yeah, two of those.
You are full of surprises. I never would
have guessed that would be your order.
- Oh.
- Anything you wanna talk about?
No, I just... I like to have fun, that's all.
This seems to help.
Well, here is to fun.
[Woman]
No.!
- You asshole!
- What the fuck did you do that for?
She's an alcoholic, asshole!
We were only in here testing her will.
- How would I know that?
- Why else would we be in this hellhole?
- Oh, come on, Lea. Let's go.
- No! I wanna stay here and drink with my friends!
- Lea, come on!
- No, I wanna stay!
- Come on!
- I wanna stay!
Fuck! I guess we're not
gonna hook up tonight, huh?
I hope Kerri's better
at the single life than he is.
I think you chipped a tooth.
% % [Disco]
- Hey.
- How you doing?
Good. How are you?
Marty, please, can we go home?
You said you wanted to get
a couple of drinks. Come on.
Can we just get them somewhere else?
You also said you wanted to go somewhere
where we wouldn't see Jeremy.
And I can guarantee you,
we won't see Jeremy here.
Although knowing his friends,
you never know.
What are you looking at?
She's with me!
- Oh, my God.
- Come on. Relax.
I really think you're gonna like it here.
You can just kick back and be yourself...
and have a couple of drinks
and not feel like a piece of meat.
I mean, for the most part,
people are really respectful...
when they see
that you're with someone!
Do you come here a lot?
Well, not a lot, but I've been here
a couple of times, yeah.
Is this where you met the father?
Who do you think I am, Madonna?
[Chuckles]
No, I don't think any of the men here
would be interested in making babies with me.
I just figured given our two situations,
this would be a pretty cool place to hang out.
Besides, you know what? Being a lesbian
is considered very chic nowadays.
When word gets out you were here,
you're gonna be beating men off with a hammer.
Word gets out?
I don't want anybody to know.
What if Jeremy finds out? He's gonna think
that I left him because I'm a lesbian.
Don't worry.
I mean, no offense, Ker...
but Jeremy doesn't exactly hang out
with people high on the social ladder.
Do you think Muffin knows anything
about girls at all?
I guess you have a point.
I just don't want Jeremy thinking...
he somehow turned me off
to men, you know.
Like, "If she can't have me,
she might as well go lesbian," you know.
Okay, stop.
You are not a lesbian!
We are just out for a couple of drinks
and some pleasant conversation.
That's all, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
This kid is doing the jig on my bladder.
I gotta go pee.
Go up to the bar and get us drinks.
I'll have a Shirley Temple with a cherry.
I think I'm gonna come with you
to the ladies room.
Gee, you're really getting
into the swing of this place, aren't you?
Okay, don't touch anything.
So, you think they'll get
back together?
[Sighs]
I don't know, man.
I mean, part of me wants 'em to,
but... part of me doesn't.
What do you mean?
Well...
Listen. I know she's out of my league.
It's just...
she's my dream girl.
I like knowing that she's available.
I don't know.
Maybe someday we'll...
bump into each other
and there'll be a spark...
and I'll get to have her.
On the other hand,
if they did get back together...
they might whip out the old video camera
and start taping some kinky sex.
And then I'd be able to enjoy her
at least through that again.
What are you talkin' about?
Pamela and Tommy Lee.
What are you talkin' about?
Kerri and Jeremy, ass head!
Oh, them.
I don't know. Jesus.
He can't even figure out
why they broke up.
[Scoffs]
Well, that's obvious. She cheated on him.
She did?
How do you know that, Gil?
Well, think about it. These two
have been together since high school.
They went away to college together.
They were living together.
They were probably taking shits
with the bathroom door open.
- [Chuckles]
- That's already married in my book.
You expect me to believe she just
flipped out one day and called it quits
without so much as an explanation?
I think not. When you catch somebody
cheating on somebody...
it's the only time an explanation
is just not necessary.
- Jesus, you're right.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll bet it was a magician.
- Why a magician?
- 'Cause that's all they have in Vegas.
Magicians, pit bosses and those guys
that pass out the dirty fliers.
Now, Jeremy's probably better
than the flier guys and...
Nah, I don't see her with a pit boss.
So it had to have been a magician.
Hmm. And that's why he doesn't
wanna talk about it with us...
because he's embarrassed.
Jesus Christ.! No, the reason I don't
wanna talk about it with you guys...
is because I don't wanna hear
any of your screwy theories.
- What screwy theories?
- How about the one where
Kerri's screwing Siegfried and Roy?
No, man, I don't think it was them.
They might be gay.
- [Chuckles]
- I love the way you guys talk
about me like I'm not even here.
- Feel free to take part in the conversation.
- I don't wanna take part in it.
- Then what are you complaining about?
- I just wanna have a good time.
Is this your idea of fun? Sitting around
theorizing about Kerri and I?
[Chuckles]
No, man. He's right. Let's do it, dude.
Okay. I suppose it's late enough.
- Did you bring your hat and gloves?
- Yes.
- Well, put 'em on.
- Right.
What the fuck is that?
- What?
- Mittens? What, you think
we're gonna make a snowman?
I have no idea.
You told me to get gloves and a hat.
I didn't know you wanted an O.J. Disguise.
What, are we gonna whack somebody?
No, we're just gonna do
a little B & E, that's all.
What? What are you guys
robbing people's houses for?
A little extra "K."
We're not robbing people's houses. We're just
gonna go in and rearrange things a little.
- Rearrange things? Why?
- Because it's funny.
Imagine you wake up and
your living room is in your dining room.
Or every single light bulb in your house is
unscrewed and lying on the floor for no reason.
- That's fuckin' funny.
- And you don't take anything?
Not a thing.
So, what about the...
ex... extra "K"?
That's just a little bonus.
You remember Chris Newman?
- Yeah.
- Well, he took over his dad's business.
- Right.
- Newman Home Security.
Oh. Yeah. Still don't get it.
[Sighs]
We live in the burbs.
Not the best place
for a home security business.
When Chris took over his dad's company,
it was headed down the tubes.
So he asked Biscuit and I
to scare up a little business for him.
We may be a lot of things, but we are
not thieves. So we thought of this little plan.
We get a few kicks,
we help Chris out a little bit...
and it's kind of thrilling
being in people's houses.
- What if you get caught?
- Oh, no, man, you can't get caught.
- Sure you can.
- No, you can't get caught.
- Don't get caught.
- Oh.
So, are you in?
Am I in? Sure.
I've been making some pretty stellar decisions
lately. I'm sure this will be another one.
Cool. Let's go.
% % [Disco]
[Women Laughing]
[Man]
Does he have both testicles?
- Well, that is until Marty saw him.
- [Man] Oh.
Is his penis super glued to his stomach so when
he has to piss, he has to stand on his head?
[All Laughing]
No.
Then you shouldn't be upset. Sounds to me
like you had a pretty reasonable breakup.
It's not the breakup
that I'm so upset about.
I don't know if it was
the right thing to do. You know?
I mean, I felt I had to do it at the time,
but now, I just... I don't know.
Well, look. I mean, you obviously
had planned on marrying this guy.
Everything was done and ready.
But in your heart,
something inside told you not to.
To stop, right?
Yeah, well, l...
I don't know.
It's weird because Jeremy,
all in all, is a pretty good guy.
You know, he's...
He's not mean.
People like him.
And he didn't cheat on me.
He never brought you flowers.
He never did anything romantic for you.
And he always put everything else
before you.
I'm right, aren't I?
Hey, look. I know exactly
what you're going through.
Well, I didn't always live my life
as a gay woman.
Before I met Shelly here,
I was married.
I was married for 12 years
to this man...
who much like Jeremy,
was a pretty good guy.
But then about the third year
of our marriage, everything changed.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, we were still in love...
but it just wasn't the same.
He slipped into like this
comfortable place, you know...
where he didn't think
that he needed to woo me anymore.
And sex, as infrequent as it was...
was boring and predictable.
I swear, I think guys have
some sort of built-in timer.
Uh-huh.
Apparently, everyone thinks this...
because I asked all my married friends
at the time...
you know, "Was this normal?"
And they said,
"Yeah, it was."
Yeah. That's why my marriage
lasted 12 years.
So, what? I either have to
accept this fact about men...
or become a lesbian?
[All Laughing]
No. No.
You just need to find someone...
who will love you
the way you wanna be loved.
You know, in my case, it's just
that person happened to be a woman.
And for you, it could be anybody.
It could be a friend.
It could be somebody you work with.
It might even be Marty.
[Laughs] Sorry, Kerri.
I like my women with bigger tits.
Oh, who knows?
It could even be Jeremy.
He may just need a wake-up call.
- God, it is way too serious at this table.
- Mmm.
Honey, you're coming with me.
Dance, lesbians, dance.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
K.C., take your purse.
- It'll be fine.
- Where do you think we are?
I thought your husband was a lying,
cheating scumbag with a gambling problem.
Oh. Did I fail to mention that?
[Both Laugh]
[Snoring]
[Snapping, Thudding]
[Snorting]
[Snoring Resumes]
What are you trying to do,
get us thrown in jail?
You try lifting a couch with mittens on.
It ain't easy.
- That's why we don't wear mittens, shit stain.
How the fuck did that dude sleep through that?
- I have no idea. I'm just glad he did.
- Maybe he didn't, dude.
Let's get the fuck outta here!
- So what'd you think, Jer?
Ah, except for pissing myself when I
dropped that couch, it was pretty fun.
It's kind of cool being in someone's house,
knowing you can busted at any minute.
Yeah, I think Newman Home Security
has a new customer.
- I would love to see his face when he sees that.
- This is what my life should be.
If I wanna go out, do something stupid
and illegal with you two shit stains,
I should be able to do it, right?
- Hell yeah!
- Yeah.
What are you agreeing with?
He just called you "shit stain," shit stain.
Dude, that ain't cool.
[Laughing] Come on. Let's make
mac and cheese or cookies. That'll be...
- Hey, Marty.
- Hey, jam hands.
- Jam hands?
- What do you think he's been
doing in there all night?
- Oh!
- Shut up, Kerri! I have not!
Yeah, right. You walk into your room
and stick to the floor.
Shut up, Kerri!
[Both Laugh]
I told you we were
gonna have fun tonight.
Yeah. Who would've thought that all
I needed was a pep talk from a lesbian?
Yeah, that and five or six magaritas.
- Why? You think that helps?
- Yeah.
Oh, Marty, I wish...
I wish that you were drinking with me.
It looks like I'm gonna be
on the wagon for a few more months.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean...
- Nah.
- Are you gonna tell your mom?
- Why? So I can hear her tell me
how I screwed up my life...
over and over again
like she always knew I would?
No, thanks. Actually, I don't think
I'm gonna tell her anything.
Just let her think I'm gettin' fat.
That would torture her even more.
Hey. I have an idea.
You move to Vegas,
and you and I raise the kid together.
- All right, no more gay clubs for you.
- No, I'm totally serious. You and I could do it.
Okay. So, the girl who calls her little brother
"jam hands" wants to raise my kid?
No, I don't think so.
[Laughs]
Besides, can you see me pregnant in
the Vegas heat? I'd fuckin' kill somebody.
You know, that's really just
a matter of time, not geography.
You're probably right.
- All right, I better get goin'.
- Oh, come on. Spend the night.
No, thanks. I'm a little particular about
which toilet I spend the morning yakking in.
Mine's got one of those cushiony seats. It's nice.
You can rest your head between wrenches.
Hmm. I might need one of those
in the morning too.
At least your misery'll end
with a Denny's breakfast.
Mine's gonna go on
a little bit longer.
Ooh, Denny's.
[Laughing]
Good night.
[Video Game Beeping]
- [Knocking]
- Hey, Cliffie, could you
come out here for a second?
Sure, Marty.
Can you do me a huge favor? Kerri and I
were just giving each other breast exams.
She thought she felt something
on one of my boobs.
Do you think you could feel it for me?
So, what do you think?
You think it's okay?
Cliff? Cliffie?
Cliffie? Cli...
[Clicks Tongue]
Okay, well, thanks anyway.
Night.
[Panting]
- Well, thanks for a fun night, man.
- Hey, no problem.
Wait'll you see what we're doin' tomorrow
[Chuckles]
Can't wait.
You know what? You guys probably
don't even realize how good you got it.
- What do you mean?
- Just bein' single.
You don't have to answer to anyone.
You can come and go as you please.
You can hang out with anyone you want to.
That's cool.
- Well... [Chuckles]
- What?
- % % [Man Singing On Radio, Indistinct]
- Grass is always greener, my friend.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, nothin', really.
It's just that when you were with Kerri, you
probably didn't realize how good you had it.
I mean, bein' single and hangin' out
with Biscuit every night is fun...
but I would gladly trade that in to come home
to somebody who's beautiful and cared about me.
Not if you had to come home
to that person every day.
At least when you're single, you can date
and go out with whoever you want to.
And why do you date or go out
with whoever you want to?
- What do you mean?
- If it's just to get laid every blue moon...
then, yeah, bein' single is fun.
Most people I know are only dating people
'cause they're trying to find the person...
they want to spend
the rest of their lives with.
Jer, don't let yourself be fooled
into thinking you're missing something...
'cause you're with Kerri.
'Cause the only thing you're missin'
is wishin' you had someone like her.
So what was all that stuff at the bar?
"We have a stay of execution."
"I wouldn't wish marriage on my worst enemy."
Dude, we were in a bar, drinkin'.
We have to say stuff like that.
- That's not how we really feel.
- You think I made a mistake.
Well, if she was cheating on you, then...
Gil, would you stop with the Siegfried and Roy?
She wasn't cheating on me.
Well, then I don't know why
you two broke up...
so I can't say whether
you made a mistake or not.
- % I just hate to see you go%
- Only you would know that.
% Yeah, I wanna see you happy%
% Times change and people grow%
% You're a good friend to me
and I love you% %
What, are you waitin' for me
to feel you up? Get out.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- Later.
[Engine Starts]
[Car Departs]
[Sighs]
All right, this better be good, Andy.
I'm missing Regis and the new chick.
Come on, Murray.
You gotta see this.
- What the hell...
- That's exactly what I said.
You brought me here at 9:30 in the morning
to show me how you redecorated?
No, no! I didn't... Why would l...
I woke up this morning,
and it was exactly this way.
Well, this is kind of cozy,
but how the hell you gonna eat?
- Murray, I didn't put...
- Is this some sort of feng shui thing?
[Stammering]
If it works for you, you know, go for it.
Murray, please.
Murray, I don't know what...
What the hell is feng shui?
Jeremy? Jeremy.!
- Jeremy!
- Oy!
Grandpa, Grandma, what...
what are you doing here?
We thought you'd be up by now. Your grandfather
didn't sleep for a week before our wedding.
That's 'cause your father told me
I'd better sleep with my eyes open.
- Said I was tarnishing his only daughter.
- [Scoffs]
So, are you nervous?
Right now, yes.
Come on. Give him a chance
to lose his morning wood, will ya?
[Clicks Tongue]
Oh, marone.! Okay.
I could use a cup of coffee
now that we're here anyway.
Your grandfather, all the way up here...
He wouldn't let me have any coffee.
That's right. Without the coffee,
we have to stop every 30 miles
for her to use the little ladies' room.
Fifteen hundred miles from here to Florida.
You do the math.
- Yeah, that's a lot of peeing.
- Imagine if she had some coffee in her?
- We'd still be in North Carolina.
- I am so excited for tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
Nobody called you guys?
Nobody ever calls us. Why?
[High-pitched Voice] You couldn't have
messed this up, right, Biscuit? [Chuckles]
[High-pitched Voice]
Dude, give me some credit here.
I just get nervous
when you do things on your own.
[Chuckles]
For the 10th time,
everything's gonna be fine.
I just got off the phone with her.
Gave her my address.
- She sounded hot as hell, man.
- Cool. When's your mom leavin'?
Relax, dude. She's leavin'.
Guess we should make more balloons, huh?
Heh!
Naw, that's enough.
Too many elaborate decorations will only
serve to distract us from the entertainment.
[High-pitched Voice]
I guess you're right.
[High-pitched Voice]
Course I'm right.
- How was your flight?
- [Horn Honking]
It was a lot less dangerous
than this car ride.
Sorry. Nobody told 'em the wedding was
canceled. The drove all the way from Florida.
I had to hang out with them for a while.
Get the fuck out of the way, asshole!
- Come on.!
- Don't worry, Grandpa.
I don't think he was talking to you.
Stop when you see a little ladies' room.
I got to go.
- On a half a cup: 3.2 miles.
- [Clicks Tongue] Oh!
- Was doin' it in the car the best idea?
- % % [Man Singing On Radio, Indistinct]
Sorry. We'll be there soon enough.
Ah, thanks for coming out
with me today.
I just could not stand to be
in my house anymore.
- [Sighs]
- Today was supposed to be
the day before my wedding.
I should be getting my nails done...
and running around
taking care of last-minute stuff.
You know, have a houseful of people...
relatives, friends, you know.
I woke up,
and my house was like a morgue.
My parents went out to yard sales.
Cliff had locked himself in the bathroom.
I think he spent the night in there.
Freak.
God. It's just like... just like every day.
I know it sounds stupid, but I just...
this whole big thing happened...
and it's like no big deal
to anybody but me.
I bet you Jeremy is out
having the time of his life.
Oh, fuck him!
Door-to-door service.
[Grandma]
Give us a call if you need a ride home.
[Grandpa]
See ya around.
All right, all right.
- [Gil] Surprise.!
- [Biscuit] Surprise!
- What?
- This is your bachelor party.
- Wow.
- Ta-ha!
- Yeah!
- I knew I should've brought the bowling ball.
- [Phone Ringing]
- Shane, this is Gil.
- All right. Gil.
- Nice to meet you.
He's the only guy I know who gets two
bachelor parties, and he's not even gettin' married.
Seriously, what are you talking about?
I told you the wedding was off.
We know this whole thing has been rough on you,
so we thought we'd do something nice for ya...
and help get your mind off of things.
Nothing clears the mind like basking
in the glow of a beautiful naked woman.
Besides, they refused
to give us our money back.
Well, just got off the phone...
with our entertainment... K.C.
She just wanted to be sure
my mother left.
I can't wait to see what she looks like. Believe
it or not, Biscuit handled this one on his own.
- [Chuckles]
- I had to go to the dentist,
but I called the place beforehand.
This was foolproof.
They said they had giant color catalogs.
All he had to do was flip through
and pick a beautiful girl.
Even he can't screw this one up.
Biscuit, tell 'em.
You couldn't have screwed this up, right?
They were all beautiful, dude.
Just trust me.
All right, how did you pick one?
What was your criteria?
Well, at first...
I just tried to find the hottest girl.
But they were all hot.
So then, I asked the guy, like...
who he would recommend.
And he said they were all good, but...
he said, like, the ones in the back
were a little bit more risqu.
- Risqu?
- Yeah, you know... like, risqu.
Like, they're a little dirtier, a little nastier.
They do tricks with bottles and stuff.
Did the guy tell you that?
Uh, no.
I just assumed that's what he meant.
- Aw, for Christ sakes, Biscuit!
- [Chuckles]
- What? I still saw her picture.
- Was it her whole body?
- No.
- Oh, man.
[Knocking]
Get the door, Biscuit.
- You're closer.
- I'm not gettin' it. You get it. Get the door.
- You're closer!
- Get the door.
- [Whispers] Oh, Jesus.
- [Chuckles]
- You believe this?
- Shut up!
[Laughs]
[Sighs]
[Whispers, Indistinct]
[Male Voice]
Hi, guys. So who's our bachelor?
I don't even understand
how he doesn't care.
This wedding was
gonna affect his life too.
He just walked away like it doesn't matter...
like I don't matter.
[Sighs]
I at least deserve some answers.
Why don't you go talk to him?
Demand some answers.
Beat it out of him if you have to.
I'll help.
But, Kerri, if you don't get some closure
on this, it's gonna fuck you up for a long time.
Can't look at him, Marty.
He's supposed to be my best friend.
How could he do that?
I don't know, sweetheart.
When you first called to tell me what was
going on, I'd just found out I was pregnant.
I was all set to call the guy and tell him.
Then when you told me
how Jeremy was acting towards you...
I decided not to.
I mean, the truth is,
I don't know this guy all that well.
Who knows how he's gonna react.
But if he's as indifferent as Jeremy...
I don't know what I'd do.
Marty, please don't make
any decisions based on Jeremy.
You can't carry this weight
all by yourself.
You need someone
to help you through it.
I feel bad, 'cause in a couple days
I'm going back to Vegas.
We haven't really had
a chance to talk about it.
But you know that I'm always here
for you whenever you need anything.
You don't know what a relief it was
just to say it out loud to you.
Marty, you gotta tell the guy.
You liked him enough to sleep with him,
right? That's gotta say something about him.
I don't know.
Maybe he'll flip out and run away.
And maybe you won't fall in love
and live happily ever after.
That's his loss.
Could be a good guy, you know?
He could stand by you.
He deserves to know.
And who knows? Maybe you will
fall in love and live happily ever after.
[Clicks Tongue]
Oh, come on. You gotta stop crying.
- You look like a damn Hallmark commercial.
- [Chuckles]
% % [Funk, Man Vocalizing]
- Mom!
- [Woman Screams]
[Bottle Thuds]
That was so... wrong.
So this is what they do
for fun in Jersey, huh?
Where do you learn you have
that talent with the lit matches?
I can't believe my mom made us
throw out the coffee table!
% % [Man Singing On Jukebox, Indistinct]
I'm still gonna get the rest of my money,
right, boys?
Gil, if and when
I finally do get married...
can we skip the bachelor party?
- The same for me.
- Ditto.
I still want one.
- What? It was all right.
- Thanks, sweetie.
So, then that wasn't
a bachelor party after all.
[Scoffs]
It was supposed to be.
Jeremy over there was supposed
to get married, but they called it off.
Oh, how sad. What happened?
- Oh, it's kind of a long story.
- [Chuckles]
- She dumped 'im.
- Biscuit!
- What?
- Do you mind?
- It's not your fault. It's Kerri's.
- I know, but it's kind of personal.
When was the wedding supposed to be?
- This weekend.
- And you said her name is Kerri?
- Yeah.
- Short girl, about this height...
real pretty with shoulder-length hair?
Uh, yeah.
- How'd you know that?
- Well, I met her last night.
You did? Where?
At a place called the Three Dollar Bill.
It's a gay bar.
Oh, no. I don't think so.
You must be mistaken.
She was there with another girl...
a regular.
You know, she's real pretty...
kind of dark hair, tattoos.
- Kind of scary.
- Marty?
Yup.
Holy shit!
Wait!
Okay, there's...
You must be making a mistake.
When I met her, she was telling the story
of her wedding she had just called off.
I didn't hear the whole story, but she did say
it was supposed to be this weekend.
Did she mention why she called it off?
Like I said,
I didn't hear the whole story...
but she did say that
she wasn't getting enough.
- Enough what?
- I don't know.
You tell me.
[Chuckles]
All right.
This is ridiculous.
It wasn't even her.
I don't know. That's a pretty accurate
description of Kerri and Marty.
The wedding was
supposed to be this weekend.
And she did say
she wasn't getting enough.
You don't even know
what she was talking about.
I know what she was talkin' about.
You think he's hung?
Will you knock it off?
Can you imagine Kerri and Marty
doin'the nasty?
Holy shit! I would pay
good money to see that.
Oh. Is this Marty girl hot?
Hell yeah, and kinda scary
in an exciting sort of way.
Biscuit, shut the fuck up.
Dude, I'd be pissed too.
She never let you watch? That ain't right.
- [Gil] Biscuit, leave him alone.
- [Shane] Come on.
He just found out he turned his girlfriend gay.
For God sakes, have some compassion.
Okay, she's not gay!
Marty definitely might be, but Kerri is not.
You have to admit,
it all kinda makes sense now.
You said that she just sort of up
and changed her mind about getting married.
- And you said that Marty
picked her up from the airport.
- What does that mean?
Picking someone up from the airport is
a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of thing to do.
Okay, get all of this out of your system.
I'm going to the bathroom.
When I get back, I don't want to hear
another word about it. Got me?
Okay, but piss slow, 'cause we got a lot
to talk about. Can you fucking imagine?
[Both Laugh]
% % [Continues, Indistinct]
[Ringing]
- Hello?
- Hey, Cliff. It's Jeremy.
- How you doin', man?
- Oh, hey, Jeremy. How are ya?
- Good. Is Kerri there?
- She's not here.
- But she'll be back, 'cause Marty's sleeping over.
- Marty's sleeping over?
- Can I take a message?
- No message. Take care.
Pictures, movies...
They may as well make money off it.
I could be their manager.
I'm tellin' you, man.
They wouldn't even have to pay me.
Just let me sit in on a session
every now and then.
- I wouldn't even touch 'em.
- Will you please, please, Biscuit, shut up.
- God, really.
- Come on. We gotta do this.
Jer, tonight we are gonna
let you lead the way. It's your call.
- I don't know what to do.
- You'll think of somethin'. Come on, boys.
- What exactly are we gonna do?
- A little Jersey humor.
- [Chuckles]
- Come on.
[Gil Whispers]
Fuck!
[Gunshots]
[Panting]
- [Gunshot]
- [Glass Shatters]
- [Grunting] Oh, Christ!
- Is everybody okay?
- Oh, my God. Is my ear still there?
- What?
- Holy shit, dude! You're bleeding!
- I can't fuckin' hear anything.
- Is my ear still there?
- Let me see. It's just a scratch. Relax.
- Hey, Quincy.
Can we get the fuck outta here, please?
- Ah, fuck you.
- Is this Jersey's idea of humor? What the fuck
happened to knock-knock jokes?
- That guy tried to kill us.
- I heard the bullet whiz by my ear.
Why didn't you tell me we could get shot at?
- That never happened before.
- Can we get the fuck outta here, please?
- I can't find the fucking keys.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Shut the fuck up, Biscuit.
I can't believe I just got shot at.
I bet if we would've made it to a light switch,
we would've seen Kerri sittin' with a gun.
- Or Marty.
- I can't believe you guys are making jokes.
I almost died. I saw my whole life
pass before my eyes.
Biscuit saw his whole life flash before
his eyes too. Sadly, he never does get laid.
Fuck you!
You gonna start the car or what?
- Seriously, dude. What's goin' on?
- I can't find the fucking keys.
What the fuck are we gonna do? We gonna
wait here for Bernard Goetz to come get us?
- That's it. Open the door. I'm gonna walk.
- Dude, you don't even know where you are.
It's New Jersey.
I'll walk to the nearest chemical plant.
No, seriously, dude.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know. We'll wait for a little while,
and we'll go back and try and find the keys.
- I don't know.
- You mean, you'll go back and try to find the keys.
- Damn straight.
- Oh, nice friends.
- Hey, I just met ya.
- I wish I never knew you.
Thanks for letting me stay over.
Please, Marty,
you don't have to thank me.
- Is your mom gonna be okay?
- She'll be fine.
- Her friends vodka and tonic
came over to soothe her.
- [Laughs]
I had to get out of there before the word
"whore" came out of her mouth.
I'd hate to throw her down a flight of stairs.
She's practically a grandmother
after all.
- You know, that's the first thing
she said when I told her.
- Hmm?
"I'm too young to be a grandmother."
Not, "How are you?
Do you need anything? You okay?"
"I'm too young to be a grandmother."
Nice. Well, you know, if you ever need to,
you can always stay here.
My parents would love that.
Cliff would love that.
[Chuckles]
I can't live here, Kerri.
In six months, I won't be able to lift
the mattress. How would I get my underwear?
[Chuckles]
Good night, Marty.
Good night, Kerri.
- Move!
- [Jeremy] What the hell's going on?
Good morning, ladies.
I got the keys.
- Where were they?
- They were right on the edge of the guy's pool.
One more inch and I would have
spent the morning swimming.
- Is he all right?
- Biscuit?
- [Biscuit] What?
- He's fine.
So, you guys want breakfast?
Yeah, we gotta make one stop first.
Jeremy, what are you doing here?
You know what this is?
- A ratty old hat?
- No.
This.
- A hole in a ratty old hat?
- No. It's a sign from God. Look at my ear.
- Is it bleeding?
- A little. Jeremy, what's going on?
I almost died last night.
I got shot. Well, almost.
- It went right through my hat.
- What are you talking about?
- Who tried to shoot at you?
- I bet it was those guys.
- It wasn't them. It was just some guy.
- Jeremy, this is not funny.
Kerri, I need to talk to you.
Could we please talk?
Come on.
[Groans]
Fine. I'll wait out here.
I can't believe this.
Kerri, I need to know
what's going on.
With what?
All right. Don't be flippant, okay?
I need to know what's going on with us.
I need to know...
to know what happened.
When we called off the wedding...
and you moved out,
what did you think was happening?
I don't know.
I thought...
I thought you were having
cold feet or something.
I thought you needed
some time away from me.
Did you think you were having
cold feet?
Did you think you needed
time away from me?
No.
I'm just... I'm trying
to figure something out here.
I'm trying to figure out
why you never said anything...
why you never tried to stop it.
It was like you were relieved.
I wasn't relieved. I just didn't
know what the hell was going on.
We never even fought before.
I mean, not seriously.
What do you think made me do it?
I don't know. Maybe you were
seeing someone else.
Oh, come on, Jeremy. I didn't even
talk to other guys when I was with you.
Maybe it wasn't a guy.
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
You ever heard of
the Three Dollar Bill?
Oh, my God.
Jeremy, it's not what you think.
- So you were there last night?
- Yeah, yeah.
I was there last night, but...
we just... we wanted to go somewhere
where we wouldn't be hassled by guys.
That's it. What,
do you think I'm gay?
What am I supposed to think?
I got transvestites telling me...
they ran into you at a bar... a gay bar...
and with Marty who's there all the time...
and now she's sleeping over at your house,
and correct me if I'm wrong, but you guys
are sharing pajamas now.
What the hell am I supposed to think?
If you actually think that I left you
because I'm gay...
you've got some fucking problems.
[Sighs]
I left because
you took me for granted.
I left because
you didn't appreciate me.
Because I was sick of feeling
bad about myself because of you.
You think that's pretty ridiculous,
don't you?
So did I at first.
And when we were sitting on the couch and
I asked you if you wanted to call off the wedding...
I thought I was being
pretty ridiculous too.
But imagine my surprise
when you answered back...
"Why? Is that what you want?"
Those are the words of a guy
who couldn't give a shit.
And you further proved that
and blew me away...
when you moved out
without a care in the world.
You keep saying that
I'm the one that broke off the wedding.
We both know that's not true.
I'm just the first one
who said it out loud.
- Well, it's just, uh...
- Just say it, Jeremy.
You can't hurt me anymore.
I was just scared.
Scared of what?
Scared of marrying you.
Scared of being married.
We've been together a long time, Kerri,
since we were kids.
We've missed out on a lot.
When I get married,
I'm only gonna do it once.
It's forever. I don't want you or me
five or 10 years from now...
to wonder if there was
something better out there.
I never wondered, Jeremy.
Neither did I. I just thought that maybe
we weren't ready to get married
and you felt it too.
I thought after we called off the wedding,
everything would go back to the way it was.
Oh. So we were just supposed to
pretend that nothing happened?
So, I get it. You're not cold and callous.
You're just stupid.
I never intended to lose you, Kerri.
You've gotta believe that.
Do you have... Do you have any idea
what you put me through?
Why couldn't you just
share your big idea with me?
Instead, you acted indifferent
through the whole thing...
and made me feel like
I was living in some fucking dream world.
I'm so sorry, Ker.
I'm so sorry.
Please, give me another chance.
I've given you chances, Jeremy.
And if you're asking me
for another one...
the answer's "no."
Because you lost me
long before you called off the wedding.
- What are you talking about?
- [Sighs]
When was the last time
you bought me flowers...
or... or sent me a love note
or said "I love you" before I did?
Jesus, just because I didn't do those things
doesn't mean I don't love you.
- You know I love you.
- I know, Jeremy.
But just because you send someone
flowers or a little note...
doesn't mean you love them.
But it's those things combined
with everything else that reassures a person.
I just needed to be reassured.
Kerri, my God, if I knew I would lose you
by not doing those things...
I would buy you flowers every day.
I will do whatever it takes
to show you I love you...
not just today or tomorrow,
but every day.
I would marry you right now if I even thought
for a second you would have me.
I swear I would. And I don't expect you
to take me back, but...
please let me try
and prove myself to you.
Kerri, I love you.
[Door Opens]
Uh, Kerri, could you come outside?
Marty's beating the crap out of Biscuit.
What?
- [Jeremy] What happened?
- Biscuit told Marty he wanted to become
her and Kerri's manager...
and watch 'em go at it,
and she flipped out.
- [Kerri] Manager?
- [Jeremy] Huh?
- Come on, Marty.
- [Marty Grunting]
Come on, sweetheart. Let's go.
One more. One more.
- All right, enough.
- [Kerri] Marty, the baby!
- Don't call me a baby!
- Not you, asshole! She's pregnant!
- Kerri!
- Ooh, is it mine?
- Shut the fuck up, Biscuit!
- Ow!
It's mine, isn't it?
Not exactly the way
I wanted you to find out.
You slept with Marty?
You slept with Marty,
and you didn't tell me?
- This is the businessman?
- I didn't say he was a businessman.
I said he owned his own business.
Lawn Wranglers is hardly a business.
- Hey, it's a business.
- Marty is having my kid.
- Our kid.
- Our kid.
Well, at least you won't have to
pick out a name. Damien will do.
Look, Marty...
I know you're probably less
than thrilled about this, but...
I want you to know
I'll do my part, whatever it is.
I mean, if you just want me
to go away...
I won't like it, but I'll do it.
If you want me to be there,
I'll be there every step of the way.
I'm sorry.
- [Gil] Are you guys sure about this?
- Of course we're sure about this.
Yeah, but this is your honeymoon.
See a ring on this finger? Seriously,
this is supposed to be our honeymoon...
and we wouldn't enjoy it
knowing it's not.
- Plus, it's a good chance
for you two to spend some time together.
- And it's Disney World.
- You get a little dose of hyped-up kids
to show you what you're in for.
- [Chuckles]
Speaking of hyped-up kids,
where's Biscuit?
- He said he was coming
to the airport this morning.
- Yeah.
Oh, he's giving Shane a little
going-away present for me.
- Is Shane going back today?
- Maybe.
[Woman Over P.A.]
Flight 67 from Newark to Miami...
You guys should get on the plane.
- Okay. Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
- You got those, big guy?
- Yeah, I got these.
- You wanna help me out? You can help me.
- You're a weak man.
- [Kerri] Have a nice time.
- I'll call you when I get back.
- [Gil] See you, man.
- [Marty] I love you.
- Bring me back the ears.
- I will.
- Jer. [Grunts]
- [Jeremy] Ooh. See that?
- Just kidding. Bye.
- Humor. That's good.
- [Gil] See you.
- [Kerri] Bye, guys.
- You realize they're gonna kill
each other, don't you?
- Absolutely.
[Alarm Beeping]
[Shane] Okay, I am telling you
that it's just a joke.
Sir, I can't let you on the plane
with that thing on.
[Chuckles] Okay. What am I gonna do?
Throw it through the window and kill us all?
- Sir, step out of line and let
the other people through.
- Okay!
My plane is leaving!
[Guard]
Step out of line, sir.
% % [Rock]
[Man]
% You say that I've been gone too long%
% As the memory of me begins to fade%
% Should you and me have waited%
% I could send you postcards
I could tell you what I've seen%
% Tell you I'm not afraid%
% As the memory of me begins to fade%
% Well, I've been drunk and you have won%
% And I wanted%
% Someone who would believe
I'm sick of myself%
% I'm sick of falling%
% In the spaces in between%
% So far away
I just wanna hear your voice%
% Speak my name%
% So far away
Was my innocence wasted%
% Slipping away%
% Thought you'd stay%
% Yeah, I dream of a Kansas sky%
% Let's watch the colors as they fade%
% lf only for one day%
% It's cold and it rains here%
% And it's not quite right without you%
% I wanna know the truth
Does%
% Does anything else stay the same%
% Well, I've been drunk and you have won%
% And I wanted someone
who would believe%
% I'm sick of myself%
% I'm sick of falling%
% In the spaces in between%
% So far away
I just wanna hear your voice%
% Speak my name%
% So far away
Was my innocence wasted%
% Slipping away%
% Thought you'd stay%
% Yeah, I wonder every time%
% I stare at this photograph you left me%
% It's the only thing I've saved%
% 'Cause you're not alone here%
% Does he ever act like me%
% Just sticking for the season%
% Just floodin'my memory%
% Let it raise%
% So far away
I just wanna hear your voice%
% Speak my name%
% So far away
Was my innocence wasted%
% Slipping away%
% Slipping away%
% I could send you postcards
I could send you pictures%
% Yeah, I could tell you what I've seen%
% Tell you what I have seen%
% 'Cause the memory of me%
% The memory of me begins to fade% %