Hey!
Hey bitch!
Hey!
I'm gonna fuck you!
Touch it, slut.
- Jesus.
See my dick!
Guess what happened today, guys.
Can any of you guess?
The Yuens fucked up big time.
Instead of watching the mall ...
like they're supposed to, they let a god damned
pervert come and show his fuckingcock ...
to around 15 people.
So good job, guys.
You fucked up big.
- Yeah, you've hurt Ronnie, and nobody hurts Ronnie.
Now apologize to him.
- Sorry.
Now you say that like you mean it.
- Ok. So sorry.
That sounded like they're laughing on it.
- Guys, I need you to step it up!
Hey guys, you want this?
You want to experience what this is?
I want to see a lot more and I want to see it now.
- You will.
Get the fuck out of my face.
Thank you, man. That was great.
- My pleasure, man.
I'm standing here at the Forest Ridge Mall ...
where earlier today a man exposed himself to
several women, before fleeing the scene.
I am here with Ronnie Barnhardt,
one of the security guards at the mall ...
No. Cut! You fucked up.
Madam, I'm the head of the mall security, you should say it right.
Well, Officer Barnhardt ...
- Action.
Right, is there any information
you can shed on the situation?
So we just keep going, even
when you fucked up my title?
Okay ,...
Well, I am standing here with this doctor ...
Okay, how do I ah steer you,
towards the oil-free foundation?
She was like, 'Oh, yeah, I don't want a moisturizer...aaaa'
Oh shit...Oh shit...
What were you guys talking about?
What were you saying to each other?
So Ronnie, what is it you stopped by for?
- I'm sure you heard about this, but ...
we had a pervert sexually assaults
several women in mall the parking lot.
Oh really? A pervert?
Yeah. So you know I just thought, to tell you,
you know, just to be careful...
...watching your comings and your goings.
Do you think we are gonna be safe?
- Yes Bruce, I think you'll be just fine.
Bruce wants to know if we will be safe.
I actually gotta warn the pervert,
that Bruce is out there.
Look at me, I'm Bruce.
Look, is the pervert gonna get me?
I'm just fucking with you Bruce.
- I think Ronnie that I'm, ah, I'm gonna be just fine.
Yeah well everyone thinks they're fine, until someone
puts something in there where they don't wanna 'ave 'em.
Well okay, I guess it's probably time to ...ck...ck...ck
Well, okay I see you guys. You just...
...do your thing.
What? Okay. I thought I heard you.
So Ronnie, you talked with Mark
about lifting that firearm restriction?
Oh, yeah, we should be good soon.
But technically it's still ...
The S50 just came out.
- No way?
Semi Auto
for you know, like the back of the golf cart.
The new model, 1216,
carries 20 rounds of twelve inch gauged shotgun shells.
Wait, wait, wait it holds 20 rounds?
I thought it was only 18.
No, 20.
- You're confirming for sure it was 20?
Yes, I'm confirming it was 20. That's confirming. Yes.
- Yes, indeed.
Well guys, we got tazers,
we got mace ...
It's not bad, I guess it will have to do for a while.
- Yeah. Well..
Yeah, still, it would be so much cooler
if we were able to carry guns.
Guns work best.
I uh, I'd like to deliver a personal message
to this perverted individual.
You show up again
and you see what happens, okay?
I will murder you.
I will fucking murder you!
Well, no comment ...
- You're fucking dead!
No comment was made as to identity of the assailant...
I use mace and tazers and...
- ...as the story develops.
Ronnie, I'm so proud of you.
You really think I did good?
- Hell yes.
Your system ...
You're just screwed up, you're great.
You're just screwing with me.
- No, no.
You did good.
You scared me. You're scary.
You know, Mom ...
I got a confession to make.
It sounds bad,
but ah...
A part of me thinks this disgusting pervert
is the best thing that ever happened to me.
And this is a real case, this is my chance
just to be great.
I swear on my soul,
I'm gonna get to this guy.
I'm gonna get him.
I'm tired.
Goodnight, Mom.
I love you.
Ronnie Barnhardt, head of
security here at the mall ...
I saw your sign,
and I'd like to claim a free cup of coffee, please.
Let me just get that for you.
Thank you very much.
So...you do your work here?
I remember someone with ah ...
...legwork in here.
- Yes, I just started last week.
I had to get an ankle surgery.
I have a protein defficiency.
- Oh, well.
Keep your traffic area clear.
- Sorry. - Always.
I disagree with his methods,
but that is a fire hazard.
Is there really a pervert here?
- Yes, yes madam, there is.
That's scary.
- Not for me, so much.
It's actually kinda my job to put myself
in harm's way to protect weaker people ...
such as yourself, who are you know crippled and the leg and whatnot ...
- Oh, my cast is going off in like a month.
I do it so other people can
sleep well at night...
meanwhile I'm up all night fighting demons.
Ha ha, just screaming bloody murder.
Waking up with nosebleeds ...
night terrors, finding myself miles away
from home, blood on my feet and with a gun in my hand ...
and no idea how I got there.
But pound for pound, I'd say there not one human being at this mall,
that deserves this coffee as much as myself.
I'll be seeing you around, getting more of this.
Maybe a cinnamon roll or something like that.
I will be here.
Stay safe then.
Touch daddy's dick.
It was horrible.
It just keeps playing
over and over in my head.
And I can't press stop.
It is on repeat.
- Are you okay, Brandi?
Physically yes.
Psychologically no!
Brandi!
Perimeter!
Are you okay?
Jesus Christ, I came as soon as I heard.
I am so sorry.
Everybody should've been protecting you.
This is not your fault.
Ronnie, can you do me a favor and
bring her down to my office?
So that the police can talk to her privately.
- Roger, no problem.
I obviously can't walk.
I'm in shock.
Okay. Of course you are.
You don't have to walk.
Oh, my back!
Detective. Detective, can you give us a statement
as to the identity of the pervert?
No comment.
Just stay with me, Brandi,
just stay with me.
I know it was horrible,
but don't think about his penis.
I uh, the secretary told me to come in.
I'm detective Harrison, Conway police.
Mark Peoples, I'm the manager of this mall.
This is Brandi, she's the one who saw his penis.
- Hey, Brandi, are you doing okay?
I'm pretty shaken up.
- Brandi ...
I am here to tell you that we're gonna work together
and make sure catch the guy who did this
Okay.
- Ronnie Barnhardt.
Head of mall security.
Chief inspector this is my lieutenant Dennis.
- All right, gentlemen.
Did you get a look of the guy?
- Yes.
Do you remember anything specific?
Was he tall, short, black, white ...
color of the hair?
- He was white...
Tall.
chubby and blonde.
- Pretty blonde or ...
and ugly. Ugly blonde.
- And ugly blonde.
You know what, I think this is good enough for now.
Alright I think the best thing to do at this point...
I'm gonna go talk to the other ladies,
who saw the guy ...
Ha!
- What? Now what?
Forgive me for saying, but you just sound so much like a cop,
it's paperwork, it's procedures, ...
What I want to know
who's gonna protect Brandi?
It's clear to me she's being targetted here.
Why are you saying that? What gives you that impression?
- A: She's the prettiest girl in this entire mall, maybe the world.
B: It is clear that this pervert
is some kind of a sociopathic genius...
Who plans to come back here and finish
what he started. By murdering Brandi.
Oh my god! Is that gonna happen?
- Yes, it's gonna happen.
No, that's not gonna happen.
- He will murder you, Brandi.
No, no it's not...
- Oh my god! Am I gonna die?
You will die.
- I have to get going, okay?
I will give you my card here,
call me when you're off work here.
Then we're coming to the station,
and we'll do some mugshots.
Don't worry, okay?
- Yes.
Your hair is all messy.
Talk to you soon.
Thanks, Detective.
I feel a lot better.
Yeah, we all feel a lot better. Thanks a lot.
Alright. Have a nice day.
One question, what the fuck was that, Mark?
- What are you talking about, Ronnie?
You're gonna let some fucking hot shot, punk
come in here and take my fucking case?
I just want this all thing to be over as soon as possible, okay?
I feel a little bit goddamn under-appreciated around here, you sellout!
Okay.
- This is my gig, not yours.
Not his!
Mine.
Okay folks, everybody listen okay. Ronnie has
a very important announcement ...
it's been a tough day for him, it's been tough for
his spirit, so everybody just be very respectful.
Thank you, Dennis.
Listen, you are all under strict orders,
to do everything in your power ...
to bring down this pervert.
You report to me and only me ...
but most importantly,
do not say a word about this to the police!
Okay, forget the police.
I'm in charge of this.
Okay. You know I have to go back to work soon cause I'm,
I'm still technically employed by ...
He's not even officially on the team yet,
and he thinks he's got it all figured out.
Here, this is how it's gonna break down.
Dennis, you're my second in command.
You're my right hand man.
- Thank you very much, I've always wanted that position.
But I didn't wanted extra pressure
on our friendship, so thank you very much.
You're welcome.
Yuens, you are my infantry,
you're expendable.
If one of you dies,
God gave me another one.
Awesome.
- Charles, your position is that of a student.
Are we gonna get paid extra for this,
because it seems like...
...that we get nothing extra.
- Let me ask you something.
How much were they paid
to storm the Normandy?
How much was King Arthur getting paid
to kill Merlin?
How much were they getting paid
to invent the television?
Nothing.
They did it because they knew it
was right. Now put our hands together for the final cheer.
Okay, you Charles.
- This is a lot for me to take in.
I just, I'm not sure if I can ...
- Don't be scared.
I'm not scared, it's just that ...
Ssshhh! Use my strength.
- What?
On three. One, two, three.
Special Unit Task Force.
Fuck!
Guys, hold this in evidence.
Bag and tag it, get it to my office.
I'm Detective Harrison of the Conway police,
I'm gonna need to ask you some questions, okay?
Have you noticed anything suspicious going on around here?
Someone who might have been hanging around the place,
that you've never seen before...
or what we call casing the place?
- Not really. - Suspicious, no?
What about co-workers? Any disgruntled employees?
Someone who might have been excessivelly complaining about the job? Anything like that.
Not more than usual.
- Yes, that's that.
Alright, well. Good. Thank you.
Ronnie Barnhardt, head of mall security.
Who robbed this shoe store?
No, no, I need you to wait down in the hallway.
- I really don't know who did it.
Detective Harrison here seems to be to blinded by
your beauty to ask the right questions.
Who robbed this shoe store?
Who the fuck robbed this shoe store?
That's okay. Sarah, thank you
for your help. I appreciate it. Okay?
Que pasa, Ramon?
Como?
I see.
This guy fucking did it.
What did he say?
I don't know, I don't speak Spanish, but
you know, look at his face ...
It's reflection, it's the tone of his voice, it's...
Look at his eyes.
I know who did it.
- You do, huh? - Mhm.
Big time.
- Alright, who did it?
Check it out.
You know what those are?
- No.
You know you take a bubble bath, and cover
your little breasts with some bubbles.
Excuse me, I'm Detective
Harrison of the Conway police.
Oh shit! Yeah, I wasn't
touching her in bad way or anything ...
Someone has robbed the shoe store last night,
I'm just asking around to see if anybody noticed anything.
Alright you need to get the fuck out of here. Scoot, scoot.
- Have you noticed any suspicious characters hanging around the mall?
Maybe someone who looked like they were casing the place?
- No, I haven't seen shit.
What's up, Saddam?
- What the fuck do you want, Ronnie?
I want you to face the fucking music is what I want!
- I have an restraining order against you ...
So why don't you take this opportunity to back the fuck up.
- Ronnie, come on, let's go.
You're taking my case, Harrison.
- Well you said you have proof!
You've got a restraining order?
Okay, shit, let's go.
Just look, just fucking look at him,
that's all the proof I need.
That's racist, man.
- Racism has got nothing to do with it, you fit the profile.
Oh just like I fit the profile of the pervert?
- How do we know you are not the pervert?
My dick is brown, you dumb motherfucker!
Let's go...
- What you should do is arrest this fucking clown. He comes here and harrases me every day.
Last week, he comes here and tells me he discovered my plot
to blow up the Chicken fillet.
Why the fuck would I blow up the Chicken fillet?
It's fucking delicious.
Come on, come on, let's go.
- I'll go.
But before I will tell you,
I've got your number ...
so you should know that I know
that you did that shit.
Fuck you, Ronnie.
- Fuck you.
Fuck you, Sadam Hussein of Iraq.
- Fuck you.
Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
So? You find anything?
I found out quite a bit, actually.
Like what?
- A few clues ...
put up a list of suspects, and I think the answer
to the whole damn case.
We didn't find anything.
I have also found out that ...
Detective Harrison over here,
not quite a detective...
...he makes himself out to be.
Also interesting is ...
...not really enough room for
two coooks in the kitchen.
You're not a cook.
- I'm a cook.
And I'm a servant of justice.
- You are a security guard.
Hot plates of justice.
- That's it, you motherfucker!
All the day I'm listening to your bullshit!
We didn't find anything today because of you!
You'e fucking my investigation
and you're wasting my time!
Now I gotta come back to this shithole ...
to interview the people
who might have actually done the crime!
I hate you! I hate you so much!
You fucking faggot!
You're useless,
you're a fucking rent-a-cop!
You might think you're a real cop,
but you're not!
You know why? Because
you're a fucking retard!
Use your inside voice, you know?
He can't hear.
Is there a recruitment office?
- Yes, there is. Come on in, take a seat.
How can I help you?
I was actually looking into requirements of what exactly does it take
to be a police officer, like yourself.
Are you interested in joining
the force?
I was kinda curious mostly, why?
Do you see something in me?
There are several tests to complete in order to be eligible for police academy.
- Lay it on me.
Physical evaluation.
- Done.
Psychological tests.
- Easy.
And a background check.
- Boom.
Now when someone is interested in a police work
they're usually recommended a 'Ride-along" first.
A "Ride-along"?
- Yes.
That's where you actually ride along a real
police officer on a routine patrol.
Ask a question, get an answer.
You have a helluva system down here.
Thank you for your time, sir.
- Well, if you are interested ...
I can give you the forms to take home,
so you can get that background checks done.
Okay.
- Cool, alright, let's do it.
Well, I don't know, mmmm, errr....
- There you go.
Perfect.
Good morning, Nell.
- Hey, Ronnie.
Cream and sugar, right?
- That's right.
I don't mean to insult you in any way, did
you do something different with the coffee?
Um, no, the same as always.
- Different roast?
Do you want me to make you a new one?
- No, no, it's okay.
Just a little different, I guess.
Funny, it feels weird, I filled out all those police application
forms last night.
They probably just stood me up a bit, you know.
- Are you applying to be a police officer?
Did I say that out loud?
Totally slipped out, don't tell anyone,
I just don't really want it getting out there you know.
I won't.
- Okay.
But I think you should know that
there is no shame in going after your dreams.
So many people do that.
And I think you should keep doing it,
no matter how many people laugh at you.
Who's laughing at me?
Noone laughs at me!
If anyone is getting fun out of other idiots,
who're trying to do what they want...
noone laughs at me.
I'm trying to fulfill my destiny,
that's not how this works.
Sorry about that, alright.
- Save your 'sorries' for someone sad.
Put your 'sorries' in a sack, and give it
to someone who needs 'em.
Not me.
I see you later, Nell.
Thanks, this ...
I see you guys later.
You guys are really cool.
Hello, Detective Harrison.
- What the fuck!
You scared me the shit out of me, Ronnie.
What the fuck are you doing here?
You're my 'Ride-Along", you know
I figured...
your coming to the mall,
you're trying to steal my shine ...
it's only fair if I do the same to you.
- Alright, I need you to get the fuck out of the car, now.
No, can't do. Every citizen
is allowed a "Ride-Along" ...
and I am well within my rights plus I'm taking the liberty
of clearing this with captain, so ...
Here's the part where I tell you
that payback is a bitch...
And the only thing you're left to say
after that, is...boom.
You wanna see what I do?
- I would love nothing more than to see what you think you do.
I'll show you.
See that corner there, Ronnie?
- Yeah, I see that, yes.
That corner used to be the worst corner in the city.
Nicknamed the 'Cross Roads'.
- No shit, I've actually heard of that.
Yeah, for sure you have.
Myself and the other officers we've worked
for years on cleaning it up.
That hasn't been easy.
We still patrol the area to keep the presence up.
Totally understand.
I use the same technique in the mall.
I'm sure you do.
I usually do the foot patrols myself.
How about you do it tonight.
You know what, I think we've got on
on a wrong foot.
This is my way of making it up to you.
What do you say?
Um, this...I'm touched.
That's, that's really, really nice of you.
That's, I'd love to, it'd be an honor.
Sir, I won't let you down.
- You ready?
I'm ready, I'll get to it.
- Go get 'em. - Okay.
Hey, where are you going?
Hey, Harrison!
Harrison, where are you...Harrison! Harrisooooon!
Okay, okay.
What the fuck am I doing...
Alright, kids. No harsh play.
Get on home. It's late.
Hey playa, are you looking for that crack?
Am I looking for that crack?
As in crack cocaine?
You just offered to sell me a schedule one narcotic.
That's felony. That's five to ten years.
Boom! You're under citizen's arrest.
- Let go of me, asshole.
I will not let you go, motherfucker!
- Fuck you!
You're gonna learn things in jail,
you didn't even know existed...
I just have to wait
for my partner to get back ...
That should be any second.
- Get your hands off him.
What?
- You heard me, that's my son, motherfucker.
This little guy over here?
- This is my motherfucking seed right here.
You see I got 'im on my motherfucking chest? - I see that.
I don't just tatoo any motherfucker on my chest.
This is my lifeline,
my legacy.
Well, I really don't wanna break this to you,
cause you seem to love him ...
but it seems like your son just tried to sell me some little drugs.
- Rico just tried to sell you some drugs?
That's some crazy shit.
Ain't that some crazy shit? - That's some fucking...
That's not too crazy though.
Because he works for me, you stupid motherfucker.
More bad news, you're gonna
need to find yourself a new employee ...
Cause I'm taking him downtown.
- Oh, for real?
Well you're gonna need to find a new motherfucking head.
- You're right, you're free to go, kid.
Good luck with the crack.
Have a good life.
- Yeah, get home Rico.
Do your motherfucking homework.
Rico, get home!
So I'll catch you guys later. Thank you very much.
- You're sending him home?
Motherfucker, don't tell me what to do,
how may motherfuckers have you killed?
None. I've killed two,
so shut the fuck up.
Okay, oh god...
Is that a crime?
Oh, look at little bitch.
It was a mistake, okay? Just don't do it.
- You know what I should do?
I should make you suck this gun
like a dick.
And when it comes, it's gonna blow
your brains all over street.
Look in your heart.
- Alright, pop a cap in his ass, right now.
I don't motherfucking believe this, you're gonna
seriously sit here and fucking talk to me?
I'm just saying...
- Yeah, you just say it once.
I can not believe you fucking
took him to the 'Cross Roads'.
That's ridiculous.
- Fuck me, you would have done the same thing.
I mean it's bad enough I had to spend
the whole day with him at the mall.
And now he's gonna show up at my fucking job.
- Yeah but he will probably gonna get killed.
Good, I hope he does get killed,
fuck him I don't care.
I'm telling ya, I hate this guy.
I hate him more than ...
You sit the fuck down, you hear me! You sit the fuck down!
Don't fucking talk back to me!
The fuck I thought, asshole.
- You.
I know what you did.
You set me up, you left me out there and
that's all there is to it. Admit it!
Yeah, I set you up.
What you gonna do about it, Ronald, huh?
What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna thank you.
What are you talking about you're gonna thank me?
I knew you wanted to see
if I have the chops to be a police officer ...
and I did it man! I did it!
And there are six dead crackheads
that can confirm that.
Thank you detective Harrison, from the bottom of my heart,
thank you...
...for believing in me.
- I don't know what to say.
Shhh, don't say anything.
Your actions say more than
words ever could.
I always wanted a cop,
I didn't want to admit it, but ...
you knew.
You knew.
I need more.
Get used to seeing
Ronnie Barnhardt around here.
Boo! Fuck you!
Cadets, ready!
Move aside.
Fuck!
- Where you running, girl?
You scared the shit out of me!
Forgot where you car was, huh?
Well move over.
Brandi.
Brandi, Brandi, Brandi.
Okay Brandi, I'm gonna lay out a scenario for you.
You, me, free dinner.
You fill in the rest,
with the answer 'yes'.
There is my car.
- Huh, what?
Where are you going?
- What, sorry, the brakes, did someone cut the brakes?
Oh my God!
- I can't stop!
I'm just joking. I can stop,
but I'm not going to, unless ...
You agree to go to dinner with me.
So you better say yes ...
and tell me what you want to eat for dinner.
- Fine, motherfucker.
Alright, pick me up next Friday night.
- It's a date.
No, it's not a fucking date.
Just don't tell to anybody.
Don't.
- No, you don't.
Listen, okay I've told you,
if you're gonna sit up here ...
you gotta keep this counter clean.
- Now, I can't reach that far.
"I can't reach that far coz of my thing ..."
"If only I had a stick ..."
"or something that would extend my reach ..."
like the eight stick objects that are behind this counter!
Think outside the box!
I'm so sorry Roger, I'm gonna do better.
I'm sorry.
Oh, two sorries. Oh, I thought
those would clean the counter.
but they don't, because, guess
I'm fucking dumb.
Cup of coffee, please.
- Hey, Ronnie.
Is there something wrong?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I did see you wearing ring on your finger,
are you married by any chance?
This ring? No, I'm not married, it's...
I'm married to God.
It just means I'm waiting for
a marriage before I'm with a man.
So you're a virgin?
Technically I'm a born-again virgin.
I mean, we've all been
to "Beach Week", right?
I mean so yeah, I'm a virgin again.
Why do you ask?
Oh, no reason, um...
Well, actually uh...
I kinda have a hot date set with Brandi,
from the make-up counter.
So I thought if you were married, you might have some insides into
relationships, maybe tell me what I should wear on a date, but...
No, you know what, nevermind, uh..
What you just said is kinda weird...
I don't think you're the best
person to be giving the advice on this so...
Yeah...
- You're right, yeah, it's been awhile, sorry.
But, the coffee is delicious.
You should get married to this.
Okay, well thank you.
- No problem.
Hey Ronnie.
- Yes?
I think you should dress like yourself.
Yes, like I said, not the
best person to be taking advice from, on....
Come on, Ronnie, just get out here.
- It's too tight on the butt.
Let me see.
Ronnie, you look so handsome.
Don't I look like a phoney?
- Heavens no.
This girl's gonna be knocked on her socks.
It's kinda of a cool outfit, I...
- Way cool.
That girl must be really special.
Oh god she is, Mom.
She's the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
You know, I remember when your father
picked me up for our first date.
I swear he was the most
handsome man I ever laid eyes on.
I knew right there and then that,
I would fuck him that night and that I...
will end up marrying him.
I sure hope that
happens to me tonight.
Oh, well, Ronnie, I just know that.
Mom.
Why did dad leave?
Well, he kinda freaked out
when you were born.
You've had so many special needs ...
He just, couldn't handle the pressure.
I guess he couldn't take it anymore.
You think it was my fault,
that dad left?
Definitely.
I love you, Ronnie.
- I love you too.
Let me out.
See you later, sweetie.
- Fuck you, Taylor!
My God!
Hi.
- Well, hello.
What are you doing here?
W were supposed to have dinner tonight.
I forgot.
- It's okay, I didn't.
Yeah, well, it's pretty late.
I made several dinner reservations
so will get table no matter what.
Well I gotta pee first.
Good.
Do you want me to come, should I...
Yeah, I'll just wait out here.
That was impressive,
you drive like you drink, fast too.
Wait, watch this.
Nurse!
Nurse, can I get another?
Wait, this is on you, right?
- Oh yeah, I got it all, I got it all.
Nurse, four shots of tequila, okay?
I think it's very funny to
call a waitress a nurse.
Nurse.
Brandi, I'm just dying to know how
much you like working in this mall?
Oh god, I hate that shop.
- Me too, I fucking hate it.
I mean it's just the bitching all day long ...
I put make-up on these fat-ass women ...
and you know what, like my mama always said,
"you can polish a turd but it's still a piece of shit"
Exactly.
- Anyway ...
that's a fucking mall.
- That is such an incredible....
Hold up. What the fuck is that?
What is that? What is that?
- Let me see. Don't be stingy.
Come here.
It is a pill that I should take.
- Oh my god where did you get these?
From my doctor.
- Colozapam, that 's the good stuff.
I am impressed.
I did not know you party like that.
I do, I do a lot of party,
I party like this every 4-6 hours.
Can I have one?
Really?
- Come on, please.
Come on, Ronnie. Come on.
You know what. You can take the whole thing.
Take all of 'em.
I don't think I need them anymore.
Everything is going great in my life now right now.
Just like it is with you and this cop thing ...
These pills just kinda keep me here,
but right now ...
I just ... I just need to...
You know, that's what I need right now.
I'm on this..
And noone is stopping me from doing this so,
consider this my gift to you.
Oh yes.
- Yes.
Can I ask something?
- Yes, anything.
I thought this dinner's gonna suck.
- Me too, why?
I was like, weird guy at the mall,
asking me out.
Oh my God.
But now I got all this crap. Thank you.
All right.
- Shots!
Yes! Shots!
Down the hatch...
To eternal life ...
together.
- Fuck you.
Okay.
- Come on bitch.
Oh my God, that burns so good.
Oh yes.
Oh yes, again.
You're so fucking gorgeous.
Brandi, this has just been a magical evening,
an amazing...
I think I gotta say congratulations,
we, we hit to the next level, you know.
We did it together.
- I'm gonna be...
Are you okay?
I kinda need a mint or something
My breath tastes like shit.
Brandi.
I accept you.
Oh. Brandi. Oh god, Brandi.
Brandi! Brandi?
Why are you stopping, motherfucker?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, god, I'm sorry.
Okay, Ronnie. Today, I'll be giving you
a psychiatric evaluation ...
to determine if you're competent
to enter to the police academy.
So let's start with your background.
Where're you from?
Born and raised right here, actually.
- A local boy, okay.
And Ronnie, do you have a history of depression,
or psychosis, or anything like that?
Uh, yeah, but nothing really worth mentioning.
Just a little bi-polar disorder, no big deal.
Oh, uh, are you taking any prescription medications?
- I am pleased to announce that I am currently off of prescription medications.
Congratulations. Why did
the doctors take you off?
They didn't.
How are you feeling?
- Great, actually.
I met a girl,
we're in love, so that...
that is very good.
This close to catching this pervert.
Catching a robber.
Just generally becoming a man.
So at this point in my life,
I just feel I can destroy some motherfuckers.
Okay, I'm just gonna write that down.
- Yes, write it all down.
Okay, why do you want to become a police officer?
That's the big question now, is it?
I have a dream.
Most nights.
It starts on a playground,
there's kids, they're swinging ...
laughing, dogs barking,
there's butterflies flapping their little wings...
And then you hear a rumbling.
And over the horizon comes a
black cloud.
And it's made of cancer ...
puss, starts seeping on the playground ...
They start screaming and clawing their eyes,
and pulling at their hair, and say ...
"Help, what do we do?"
You know whats happens next?
Out steps me, wielding the biggest fucking
shotgun that you've ever seen in your life...
and you know what I do?
I blow every fucking thing away.
And I am getting God's work done.
When it's all over, the dust is settled
the whole world gathers below me ...
and say "Thank you, Ronnie, thank you for helping".
Being a great man,
and doing it for us.
And you know what I say, "You don't need to thank me.
Yeah, I am just a guy with a gun."
"I'm just a cop."
- Okay.
That should do it.
Thank you for your time, Mr. Barnhardt.
- Eh! I think you mean officer Barnhardt.
To Ronnie! Yeeeeaaa...Ronnie.
- Thanks.
Ronnie Barnhardt got called up
to the big league.
You're finally gonna get to carry a gun
and everyting.
It's awesome Ronnie.
- Ronnie, I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, mommy, thanks for this cake.
It's incredible.
It is, it's a gun.
- Oh yes.
My little baby.
I'm so happy for you.
I think the White House will be the next stop.
I mean I think you could be that big, Ronnie.
- That's ok.
I'm so happy for you...What is this?
- For your tears.
Well thank you, brown-eyes.
You know, when Ronnie was in um ah high-school ...
I used to fuck all his friends.
- Okay, Mom.
O damn.
- It's that awesome thing right there.
Yes, that's the thing here.
Yes, I think, right there.
This'll tingle just a little bit,
but you'll get used to it.
Do you feel that?
Wait for me.
Ronnie, wait.
Just don't say anything. I'm gonna give it away.
- It's gonna be okay, buddy. - I know, I know, I know...
Yeah, come in.
Hello brother!
- Ronnie ...
How is it going, amico?
- Have a sit.
How you doing.
- I'm great, just..nice, yeah.
I don't usually do this kind of thing, but I um ...
I wanna be the one to give you the news.
And then see your face
when you found out.
Very good sir, I appreciate that.
Thank you, sir.
Um, we're not gonna be able to let you join
the academy.
That's not possible, so, yeah,
that's not true.
Seems you've had little trouble passing
the minimum requirements.
Did I fail one of the tests?
- Oh yeah, actually you did, you failed the psychological exam.
I remember she put a big A plus sign on it,
and I passed and that was me.
So you know, I have passed that test. - Really?
Yeah, I've passed the shit out of it.
It says right here. Mr. Barnhardt
shows warning signs of delusion.
Allowing him to join the force at
this time, puts his life ...
and the lives of others in jeopardy.
I don't um, I don't see how this is possible.
You have problems.
- You know, we can handle this, we can figure this out.
I know this is hard
to hear ...
So uh, I thought this is
gonna be kinda funny, but ...
It's actually kinda sad.
So I'll catch you later, Harrison.
So, I tried talking to them,
but there's just no way they're gonna let you in.
So you wanting to become a police officer,
is just not gonna happen.
I am Nell.
- Do you want some of my buns?
Yeah, getting toaster off, my leg broke. Beep.
Damn, why did I left on the frigging fire?
Hey, I thought you're
gonna go work for the police?
You know I made it and I tried it out for a few days
and it's just not it, it wasn't for me.
So. So I just come back here.
I don't wanna talk about it.
No problem, Ronnie.
Hey, you want a cup of coffee?
- No.
No, I don't think I do.
No offense to you, but I'm
gonna have to refuse your coffee.
You know, coffee seems disgusting to me.
In fact right now, I don't think I want anything less
in a whole wide world than a cup of your coffee, so, no thank you!
Okay, on a second thought, okay, yeah, sure, I'll have a cup of coffee ...
- Roger is so mean to me.
Who is Roger? - The manager,
he hates me, because I can't walk.
He jokes about me with that girl,
about how lazy I am.
Well you know, I'm not lazy. The only reason
that I am sitting in this chair is, is my leg.
I wanna quit and I can't,
cause I don't have any money.
There's doctors and there's insurance and stuff.
I'm sorry.
Okay, you can't come back here!
Go get in there! Get in there now! You
like making fun of people?
No, I don't.
- You like making fun of people?
If you're gonna say one more thing to Nell
I'm gonna fucking murder you!
And you too!
I was never here, okay?
- Okay.
I just wanted to let know it's really
good to have you back.
Hey! What the hell are you
doing?
Okay, you put a foot on my car,
what are you doing?
Just try to calm down... - Louder!
- I won't calm down!
Just...Calm the fuck down!
- Fuck you!
If you don't take this foot off my car,
I'm gonna start whooping some ass in here ...
Okay, get your tazer.
- You have no right to put a tazer on me!
Can you get your fucking tazer!
Charles.. - Alright, alright...
Fuck! - How hard is that?
That's the easiest thing on earth.
I got another one right here, motherfucker.
Hey Ronnie, how's it going?
Think we found something that might cheer you up. Yeah.
- What's that?
To clear the pervert case.
We found it next to the dumpsters.
Okay Ronnie, I expected a little more of a reaction.
I'm not okay Charles...
and ...um, unfortunately no,
this picture of a penis does not cheer me up.
Okay, guys, we should probably be getting back to work.
Well, Ronnie, just, take it easy.
I don't know what's happening to me Dennis,
I feel like I'm losing it.
A change is coming. I used to think
I was the only thing between the light and the darkness.
But you know what I realize now?
This is who I am.
Take me in, Dennis,
don't look away.
Ronnie, can you please take that dick
off your face?
See, I'm real glad that you opened up to me
Cause it makes me like, open up my heart.
You know what I'm saying, I like to share and that stuff, that's definitely
happening to me because I use to be like you.
I fell into that, world of pretend.
And that's when you gotta smarten up...
...and cut somebody sometimes.
You may think that I float,
maybe even walk on water and stuff.
But I mean to tell you that sometimes I
drink outta volcano...
I know how to...to deal with the system.
I know how to fuck with it,
I just gotta ask you, Ronnie.
Are you willing to accept
what I have to teach?
I am ready.
- Do you want me to show you the way?
Show me the path.
- Can I lead you, please?
Lead me.
- I'm gonna put you in my pocket.
Guide me.
- You're in my hands.
When do we start?
- Right now.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Ronnie.
There's nothing good about this at all.
You okay, Dennis?
I need to get back to work.
Dennis.
- Yes, Ronnie?
I've got to thank you man, you know, like
I felt like shit this morning and now ...
You showed I don't need to take things so seriously.
So negative.
- We gotta a fucking meaningless existence.
Sometimes it don't make shit.
- Who cares though, right? -Who cares, that's what I'm saying.
It doesn't matter, and you know what I'm just glad I
finally have a partner in crime man.
Oh, wow, man.
You dropped the p-ball on me man.
Feels so good to hear you say that.
You know, I've never had a partner.
I love you!
- I love you too.
Oh, but you haven't seen the best part yet, man.
Cause when everybody leaves this place...
I rob the shit out of them motherfuckers.
What are you talking about?
- What do you mean, what I steal shit!
Are you the one who's been robbing the vault?
I got the code ...
...from the security cam.
Right in front of my face?
- Right in front of your fucking face!
You guys didn't even realize it.
Ronnie, this is beautiful.
Dennis, I can't, I can't be a part of this.
- I thought you said you wanted a partner?
No.
I can't do that.
What has this place ever done for you, man
don't you see
they treat people here as jokes,
doesn't that hurt your feeling?
Yeah.
Yeah, it really does, but I can't ...
- Well suit yourself, Ronnie.
You can be a slave,
I've already told you.
I am a motherfucking outlaw.
- Please stop Dennis, we're best friends, man.
Let's just stop this, we'll go grab a beer.
This all, let's just pretend this never happened.
I won't say a fucking word about this, man, let's just go.
Ronnie, you're right.
Ronnie, you're as right as hell.
What was I thinking? Robbing the mall
and taking the jewelry.
What was all that about?
- I don't know, man.
You're right man, let's go get a beer.
- Yes!
Thank you, man.
And honestly?
I will never say a word about this thing,
people make mistakes.
No, it's no problem, man.- You're a real good friend.
Like I said, we're friends, you know so let's just...
Fuck, Dennis.
How could you, man?
How could you not know it was Dennis?
And how could you be so stupid to let him get away ...
and in a fucking carnival car, of all things?
Well, may I speak now?
- Go ahead.
I found this.
That's the pervert's penis.
He's still in this mall. He's just
laying low and waiting for a new opportunity to pounce.
Alright, well I'll turn this over to the police.
- You will not give that to the police!
I don't think you understand, Mark.
Look, I let Dennis get away,
that's something I'll have to live with.
But when I finally find out whose that penis is ...
that's my last shot at redemption.
- Let's just hope he doesn't show up again, alright?
Oh he's coming back. He's coming
back quick and he's coming back hard.
What are you talking about, Ronnie?
- I'm talking about deep cover op...
...I'm talking about black op shit,
I'm talking about going off the grid completely.
I am the spectre,
the invisible man.
Just a reguar guy in the mall,
I got no rules to follow.
Just got myself and my instincts.
Are you fucking retarded, Ronnie?
- Ronnie doesn't even exist.
My name is Bill Jacobsen.
Just an average mall customer ...
came to the Forest Ridge Mall,
do some personal shopping.
Hey, you know where's sales are?
This is my mall.
It's a place of beauty.
A place of purity.
It's s place where lost souls
get find a home.
Fuck you, Ronnie! Nice hat,
you stupid motherfucker.
I believe every man has a path
laid out before him.
And my path is a righteous one.
For I have been chosen to be a protector.
And the destroyer.
I live by a code ...
a code of my own invention,
but a code nonetheless.
And I follow it to the fucking T.
Danger lurks in the darkness, waiting
to pounce.
And it is my duty to
face that danger and stare into its godless eyes.
Brandi!
- Ah, ah, fuck me!
Brandi!
- Get the shit out of me!
Yeah, Yeah!
- Tell me again. Tell me again!
Nothing can hurt me.
My body has become a weapon...
I am an instrument
of protection ...
and justice. I am the hammer
in the right hand.
of all that's good.
- How could you do this to me!
I loved you, you fucking bitch!
You've just made me go off my cover.
Hey Ronnie.
Mark is looking for you, he's really pissed
about the altercation in cosmetics.
He's talking about calling the cops.
You should probably just get going, man,
This is gonna, this is gonna get really weird.
Ronnie Barnhardt is not here.
But if he was here,
and say Mark wants him to leave this fucking mall...
It will be over Ronnie's
dead, fucking body!
In these dark times, people
need something to believe in.
I believe the good
will win through in the end.
It's only a matter of time,
till the clouds part and the sun shines ...
There, I start again....
It's only a matter of time,
till the clouds part and the sun shines down ...
They'll be here soon,
and my mission will be complete.
I leave leave a mark so big,
that it will be felt for years to come.
And history will remember my name.
There's no turning back, I must be
steadfast in my resolve.
The world has no use for
another scared man.
Right now, the world needs
a fucking hero.
Ronnie!
Ronnie.
Come out, come out
where ever you are.
Harrison.
Ronnie, what are you doing?
I thought we were allies, Harrison
I thought we were brothers of the badge.
How the fuck do you night at night?
- Come on, let's do this the easy way, alright?
You just come outside and we'll
talk all about it, alright?
Can't do that.
- Let's go, we'll talk about it outside but you gotta get out of here.
You can go outside,
this is my world.
We don't wanna hurt you, Ronnie.
You want to get hurt?
You didn't bring enough pigs to hurt me.
You sure about that?
Why don't we find out, huh?
Alright, go get him.
Open up, little birdie.
What's on the agenda for today?
I dunno, look for a job, I think.
I know it's hard.
Try look on the bright side.
You might not be
the smartest person in the world, but ...
You're handsome.
From uh, certain angles.
But importantly, you've got a...
dreams inside of you.
And uh, you and dreams make you special.
And what the world throws at you ...
You...uh...They can never take your dreams away.
What are you talking about, Mom?
- I don't know. I'm drunk.
I just think a mother's supposed to say stuff like that.
To the children, when they're sad.
It's all just right.
- You're right.
That's exactly what you're supposed to say.
You know Ronnie...
that other night, when I soiled my pants...
I was always expecting for you to come home,
to find me and clean me up.
I thought you'd be there to
take care of me, so I'm a...
I passed out on the floor,
and didn't worry you.
Most people would throw me
away by now.
But not you, Ronnie.
Because I love you, Mom.
I want you to know I'm ready
to make a change.
You're gonna stop drinking?
I'm switching to beer.
I can pound those all day and
still keep my shit together.
And I'm doing it for you.
- I'm so proud of you, mom.
I am so proud of you.
And you know why?
This is a new day, and
we're gonna get through no matter what.
Oh, I just remembered.
There was a postcard for you the other day.
What's up.
How are you hanging in there?
Low I hope.
I just wanted to right you to say that...
You know I'm really sorry for
the way that shit went down and...
stuff...My bad. My blunder.
I just want you know that you really are
my best man.
Problem is, I am
a criminal man, that doesn't care.
And your crime is,
you care too much.
Regardless of our businesses...
I hope you know that I always
respected you.
It's not every day you meet somebody that
stands for something in this world.
Anyway, no hard
feelings, okay?
If you ever want to party, just get
your ass to Mexico.
The beer is cool, the girls
are wet.
Sincerely, your right hand man.
Love, Dennis Chivante.
Hey there, stranger.
You have your cast off?
- Yeah.
I have my hair done too.
Hey, uh, I heard what happened.
Are you okay?
- Yeah, that was...
You know, I'm uh, I'm like a cat um, I always
land on my feet.
Um, I'm uh, I'm really ok.
I got you a coffee.
Thanks but...uh, how much do I owe you?
Is that uh, a dollar ...uh, sixty...
No, you don't need to pay for it, just take it.
That's really nice of you, I appreciate it,
but ...
The kinda whole reason I came today,
was to ...
come by for a cup of coffee
pay for it...
from my own pocket,
I've just been kinda waiting here.
I need to accept that there is
no more free coffee.
Not now, not ever,
it's just uh, when I come into this mall, I...
I pay for my coffee just...
Just like a regular customer.
Oh, motherfucker!
Get out of the way!
Oh, no, no, no!
Jesus Ronnie, you fucking killed him.
Alright, he's okay.
- Shit, really?
Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
Stay down, motherfucker.
- I've got your back, Ronnie.
Alright uh, we need to call an ambulance.
- No, this sack of shit is mine.
Get my piece. I'll take him
to the station myself.
Get up, motherfucker.
Hey Ronnie?
Come on.
Ronnie?
Good job.
- Fuck you.
And if any of you here wants a girl to have sex with you,
and then to fuck your enemy, go to Brandi.
Cause she's the girl that does that.
Come here.
I caught the pervert.
- Can we get a paramedic? Hurry up.
I want everyone to know
Ronnie Barnhardt has caught the pervert.
Not the fucking police.
Good job, Ronnie.
You caught a pervert.
You can take your fucking badge,
and your gun ...
and you can shove them up your fucking bum.
Cause I don't need that shit
to know who the fuck I am.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck everyone of you...
I win.
Way to go, Ronnie.
I'm here with Ronnie Barnhardt, head of mall security
here at Forest Ridge Mall.
Ronnie is the man, who brought the Forest Ridge
mall flasher to justice.
We caught the flasher.
Yes!
- All is back to normal?
I would say, better than normal, actually
personally I'd go with fantastic...
I met a girl.
Over there.
She asked me to promise to God
that she won't have sex before marriage, but ...
that's a promise I intend on making her break.
Here are the guys.