1
I thought I'd always be alone.
Why?
It's what I deserve.
Oh, that's a bunch of hooey.
It's not true.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
I've never met anyone like you.
What are you so afraid of?
What do you think,
Mr. Joe? Home?
See what you think.
Wow!
This is nice!
I need some references,
of course.
Aren't you coming in?
I don't bite.
How do I know?
- What is this?
- What's what?
Come over here,
and I'll show you.
Seriously?
What's your deal, stress boy?
Please don't take it
personally, it's just...
I made a promise
to never be alone
with any woman
that's not my wife.
Oh!
That's sweet.
I think.
Is she the jealous type?
Oh, I'm not married.
- Engaged?
- No.
Living together?
Dating?
No, I don't date.
I have a theory about that.
So, who'd you make
this promise to?
Old fashioned, huh?
Yeah.
It's a little on the nose.
What can I say?
Three eligible bachelors remain,
and 25 single
and seductive ladies
are ready to do battle
to win the man of their dreams.
Tune in tonight.
Oh, come on, Clay.
Speak! I command you.
I'm not telling you nothin'.
Traitor!
I'm sworn to secrecy, man.
I gave my word to Lisa.
Oh, man, what'd she get me?
No way! I'd be dead.
You want me dead?
You're a coward.
You're a traitor and a coward.
All right, ladies.
That's it for the big stuff.
I don't know what
I would've done without you.
Yeah, you'll find out
soon enough.
We ain't going to L.A.
Oh!
Oh, man, is that
what I think it is?
Man!
Oh, feels like 100 years ago.
Should have been
undefeated, baby.
Come on.
Yes. Top of the key.
It's my fault.
I was wide open.
Hey, get in there.
Get the close up, man.
Get the close up.
Well, well, well,
this is a surprise.
After last night,
I figured I owed you one.
It was so good seeing you again.
It was.
Amazing.
So, uh, what's with the truck?
Oh, um, I got a new job.
Isn't that great?
Where?
Hollywood.
Los Angeles.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
You told me last night
I could move in.
Well, you can.
I didn't say with me.
I put a good word in for you
with the landlord.
In fact, I told him
to keep my security deposit
for your first month's rent.
No problem.
It's all yours.
Clay, stop judging me!
The only sin in this world,
you dinosaur, is being boring.
And, brother, I am not guilty.
And that's why
I'm going nationwide.
Syndication, baby!
Live on the radio
from the City of Angels.
My heart weeps for America.
Oh, come on, you're gonna miss
me, so will what's her face.
Okay, here's an idea.
How 'bout this?
Why don't you
just crawl back under
that cute little antique shop
and make up some more
theories you never test out
at the grown up table
anymore, hmm?
I didn't do anything unto her
that I didn't want done unto me.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Seriously, though, I'm sorry.
Seriously, though, remember
that summer in Myrtle Beach
with the redheaded
cheerleader and her...
Oh, come on,
that is my favorite story.
Will you please just...
please, Daddy?
Please?
When I was a child, I talked
like a child, I thought like a...
Oh, here we go.
The hermit has a proclamation.
Oh, come on, man!
No, please, by all means,
don't let me interrupt you.
So, tomorrow, right?
Tomorrow.
Women are stupid.
Every single one of them
loves to believe
in some sort of fairytale,
offer the illusion of security,
just pretend everything
is gonna be okay.
And abracadabra!
Lines are open.
Give Lucky Chucky a call.
You know the number,
you lemmings.
Pick up the phone...
Tim from Lakeland,
you're on the air.
Live the dream, my brother.
My brother, live the dream.
Do you have what it takes?
Do I have what it takes?
Hey, man, you know
I got what it takes.
Do you have any idea
how many hot, stupid women
there are in California?
- Seven?
- Keep going!
- Twenty-five?
- Add a couple of zeros.
- Twenty-five thousand?
- Keep going.
- Five million?
- Double that.
- Ten million?
- More.
Oh, man,
I can't count that high.
I can. Next caller, anonymous,
you're on the air.
You're disgusting.
Mom, is that you?
If I was your mother, I...
Yeah, what would you do?
Would you punish me?
You know, men like you...
Yes, men like me!
How much
do you weigh, sweetheart?
How much?
Don't be shy, honey.
How much?
One-sixty?
One-seventy?
Are you pushing two bills?
Come on,
you can be honest with me.
Mom?
Did we lose her?
Did we lose my mom? Fine.
You know,
I'm no knight in shining armor.
There are no knights
in shining armor.
But you seem to think
you're Cinderella, don't you?
Don't you?
See, I wanna help.
I wanna help you see the truth.
And the truth is
there are no Cinderellas either.
Sure, you say you want
a sweet guy, a Prince Charming,
but guys like that
bore you to tears, don't they?
Following you around
like a little lost puppy dog
until your mind, not to mention
every other part of you,
goes numb.
Are you sweet?
Are you faithful, huh?
Are you honest?
Are you all those things
you say you want?
No.
You see, on those late
and lonely nights
when you're all alone,
solo, abandoned, lost,
clutching the corner
of your pillow,
you want one thing,
and that is a guy like me,
so you get what
you get, girlfriend.
Women are just like men.
Everyone wants it both ways.
Morning! Yo!
Hey, knock knock.
Uh, who's there?
Ain't thought
that far ahead yet.
Let's go!
Get the lead out!
Come on!
Busy man!
Oh yeah?
Hmm?
Hmm?
Couple of pieces, I don't know.
You like anything?
Eh, you should really
tie that stuff down.
Hello there?
You've been holding out on me.
Where you been?
George.
What? All my life,
where have you been?
Down, boy.
How's the wife?
Oh, mean as a snake.
You settling in okay?
So far, so good.
Just call me
if you need anything.
And call me if you
need anything else.
I'll do that.
- Just moved in.
- Lucky you. - Not my type.
How do you know?
So help me, man.
I worry about you.
I'll take the wall mirror.
Yeah.
You would.
You can't leave me.
So, this is it.
The time has come, my brothers.
It has been a long
and oh-so tasty ride so far,
but, remember, this isn't
goodbye to you, the faithful.
No, my luscious body
might be moving to Hollywood,
but my voice... you'll know
exactly where to find me.
I am not going anywhere.
Hi.
Uh.
Um.
- You're kidding.
- Nuh-uh.
No offense, but I think
I could resist you.
So, this theory of yours,
I'm curious.
You're bored.
Don't tell me what I am.
Sorry.
Forgiven.
You're religious?
Spiritual.
I believe in God,
but it's not like I believe
in everything that's
in the Bible or anything.
What parts of it
do you believe exactly?
Your theory, spill it.
I want to know.
You don't want to know.
Make me ask you again
and I'm coming in there,
theory or no theory.
Open that door,
I raise your rent.
Okay, okay.
Calm down.
I am calm.
You just stay outside.
So you won't be alone
with a woman?
That's the plan.
Anywhere?
Within reason.
What does that mean?
Well, out in the open,
in public, that's okay.
Anyway, it's just
a small part of my theory.
Which is?
I don't believe
that dating trains us
to be good husbands and wives.
You know, life partners.
It just trains us to be
good dates, that's it.
It trains us to be
skilled in the superficial.
Who talks like that?
I do.
Dating is fun.
Seeing the smile
you bring to another's face,
holding hands for the first
time, learning new things.
Yeah, but what do we learn?
We learn to be witty,
charming, romantic.
Yes, yes, yes.
Right, but it's all icing,
no cake.
It's not enough.
Nothing magical happens
when you walk down the aisle.
I mean, like it or not, what
we do when we're single is...
it's what we'll do
when we're married.
What about sex?
What about it?
That takes practice too.
No comment.
Not having sex does not
make you a good husband.
No, but learning
to control myself might.
I mean, I don't know
if you know this,
but half of all marriages
experience infidelity.
I never want to be divorced.
Love should come first,
not the other way around.
So do you mean sex-sex only,
or any other stuff?
Eh, I'm an all or nothing
guy, you know.
Your body's a temple.
You noticed.
Not even a little kissy kissy?
Just right there,
'til the wedding bells.
How long have
you had this theory?
Nine years.
Yikes.
That's not normal.
No.
No, it's not normal.
You don't believe that
there's a right person
out there for each of us?
A soul mate?
I don't believe
our job is the looking.
It's the becoming.
Once you are the right person,
when you're ready, you know?
And hopefully, God willing.
But if you don't date,
how will you ever know?
Hey, I make fire.
Ah, my hero.
Bless you.
Bless you.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Anyway, that's my theory.
You asked for it.
Thanks for the enlightenment.
Hey, I know how weird it sounds.
I know making you
wait out in the cold,
wrapped in a blanket
seems ridiculous.
But a lot of the boundaries
that used to be common,
that we've thrown away,
are there to protect us.
We don't have to go around using
each other, hurting each other.
It doesn't have to be that way.
That's all.
Good night.
Good night.
Hello?
I'm here to pick up
that little rocking chair.
Oh, there she is.
Everything okay?
I do okay?
Excellent job, young man.
You fixed it.
Good as new.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You have no idea.
There was a fire
before I was born.
Mom was pregnant
with me, you know?
You don't want
to hear that old story.
No, I do.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, sir.
All right, then.
This is the day
the Lord has made.
I'll rejoice and be glad in it.
Thank you, Aunt Zella.
You've done this before?
Once or twice.
Uh-huh.
Inspiration, after
the Greek goddess.
A message is waiting.
You're hired.
Awesome.
Tonight we party then, yes?
So, tell me all about it.
Why don't you
tell me all about it?
Did you bring us any
of our canned tomatoes?
He forgot, Lloyd, again.
It creeps me out
when you do that.
Then don't listen.
Well, I rented the upstairs,
the walk-up.
No, Lloyd wants
to chat about tomatoes.
To a girl.
Oh.
Oh!
Finally, I thought the old bag
would never kick off.
I wonder where she
keeps her valuables?
It's a miracle.
It's a miracle!
Is she a pretty girl?
Nah, let's talk about tomatoes.
How are they?
Here.
Give me your hands.
Who's first?
Everybody signs.
Love, Trish.
Carol?
No, I don't sign anything.
I'll sign.
I'll sign anything you got.
Hey, back off, Tarzan.
Clay Walsh?
Yeah.
Old Fashioned Clay Walsh?
That Clay Walsh?
I just rented
the apartment upstairs.
What?
Has he tried to dazzle you
with any of his theories yet?
Do you know him?
No.
I only met him once.
He is a real trip.
Used to be quite
the player, though.
Player?
Well, some of the girls
that used to work for me
used to date him in college.
They had quite a few stories.
Lewd stories.
But never like
those DVDs that...
They might just matter most.
Pucker up
and get your lips ready.
The kissing contest is next.
You better be good at it,
or I'm walking.
Oh, I've got game, believe me.
I mean, there's a lot of
things that the other girls
have competition on me,
but I mean, they better be
worried about this one 'cause...
Hey there, stress boy.
Hey there, pretty girl.
Did you just flirt with me?
No.
You did.
No.
Look at that,
three for a dollar.
Oh, are those coupons?
Yes.
Excuse me.
Do you mind?
Shoot the ball.
Fact.
Most people know more about
someone after a job interview
for delivering pizzas than
they do after most dates, so...
Where do you
get this stuff from?
Please, by all means,
shoot the ball.
Goodness.
You see what happens
when you hurry things?
Hurry things?
You're the last person to be
worrying about hurrying things.
Hurry things, you?
Our first date.
This is not a date.
You, you are so romantic.
However did you find this place?
How do you know
if I'm romantic or not?
Trust me, you're not.
I like cinnamon.
Is sugarless cinnamon gum
romantic?
Oh, it can be.
- What you got?
- H-O-R.
Goodness. Hurry things.
Yeah, yeah.
And mama called it
paralysis by analysis.
Thank you.
A little louder, please.
They didn't hear
you over on Hummel.
Wagon wheel pasta.
No.
Candlelight, jazz, sand
between your toes, all romantic.
Wagon wheel pasta?
Not romantic.
Not everyone needs
to have someone just to be...
People are different.
Some people don't need to...
Yeah, of course, sure.
I do okay on my own.
What?
I do.
- Who told you that?
- Shut up, man.
Clay, you don't look
happy to see me.
Who's your new friend?
- I'm Amber.
- Lisa. - David.
I... We just ran into
each other here, that's it.
Besides, man, what
do I know about her?
I just want to be smart.
What do you know...?
Dude, you're so smart,
you're an idiot.
Pickup on aisle 4.
Amber, Lisa and I are
having a huge shindig.
Check this out.
Two birthdays, one party.
Our birthdays
are on the same day.
Me and my honey.
In fact, Clay is
gonna be there, too.
Aren't you, Clay?
Tonight?
Dude, how many times are we
gonna have this conversation?
Okay, all right, all right.
Listen, listen.
Stop looking for a formula.
She's not what I expected.
Okay, that's great.
So you think I should...
Oh, no, I'm through.
I'm done with this.
Ah! Look at that. Huh?
See, I knew you were
rubbing off on me.
There you go, son.
Ah! I saw that.
Yeah, don't deny it.
The whole aloof,
glance-across-the-room
thing there.
Very nice, very nice.
Subtle, mm-hmm.
Don't you need to take
Cosie to driver's ed
or space camp or something?
Good ideas.
Honey?
Yes, dear.
I'm on it. No problem.
Thank you.
Might wanna make a move, man.
Seems as if the real estate's
moving pretty fast.
Who are you, my agent?
That's not a bad idea.
Hey! Everybody.
May I have your
attention, please?
Welcome again to
our humble abode.
This celebration,
Lisa and I, 8 long years.
Still going strong.
Getting older, as you can see.
Still living in sin.
It means so much to have you
all here to share it with us.
We really appreciate it.
Hey, has everyone met Amber?
Yes, Amber, raise your hand.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, yes, yes.
Amber's new here.
Uh-huh.
And dig this,
Clay really likes her.
I mean, a lot.
Aww, a little baby dump truck.
Aww!
Oh, man.
Look at that.
Well done, Clay.
Classic, man.
Thank you, sir.
I like his hat.
Only two left.
One from me to you,
and one from you to me.
No, no.
You first.
Taking orders.
That's right, mister.
I saw him in a restaurant
last time I was in Chicago,
but I was too nervous to ask
for his autograph in person,
so I sat and waited 3 hours
for him to finish eating.
Then I had to beat
the busboy to the table.
Not easy.
You stole a half-smoked cigar
and a credit card receipt?
Oh, baby, if that's not love,
I don't know what is.
It's perfect.
All right, and you, my dear.
This better be good.
What's this?
That would be
an engagement ring.
You want to get married?
I figure I'll make
an honest woman out of you.
I am an honest woman.
- It's just an expression.
- I don't like it.
So, was that a yes?
I thought we didn't
need a piece of paper
to prove anything.
Well, we don't.
Listen, listen, listen.
Look, we're not kids, okay?
And some things have
started to matter more to me
now than they used to.
It's not about proof, baby.
I know you love me.
I do.
Unfortunately.
And I love you.
And I'm not going
anywhere, okay?
Paper or no paper.
I'd just love the chance
to see my baby
in a wedding dress.
Now that is sexy.
It's what he
gives me every year.
Show off!
Hey, are we
gonna have a honeymoon?
Honeymoon?
If we must.
Any thoughts, recommendations?
The ideal honeymoon?
Clay!
David.
Yes, yes, the ideal honeymoon.
What you got in mind?
You really want me to do this?
No doubt about it.
The ideal honeymoon.
Cabin in the woods,
a case of bottled water,
and not a single distraction
from building
a foundation of intimacy
with my lifelong bride.
You know, I don't know
if you know this, but...
That's enough.
- The percentage...
- No, no, no.
The percentage of...
- Would you just...
- Not a word!
That's what I'm talking about.
Live from the City of Angels
in the heart of Hollywood
and syndicated nationwide,
you want him, you got him,
Lucky Chucky!
You can't save someone
who doesn't want to be saved.
How true it is.
A friend of mine,
we'll call him Moron,
has lived with
this broad for years.
Strike one.
Oh, oh yeah.
Strike two, he knocked her up.
No longer content with
only partial self-destruction,
strike three, bingo,
you guessed it,
they're getting married.
What is the point
in all this pain?
I am awash in ruin.
He was a friend of mine,
a good friend of mine.
We were in the same
fraternity in college.
I bet you didn't see
that one coming.
I used to be a frat boy.
You listen to this?
Sometimes.
He's hilarious.
He says women are stupid.
When there's a wedding,
there's a bachelor party.
Okay, let's turn that crap off.
Sorry, Carol,
didn't know you were here.
So, how was the weekend, girls?
I had me one big date.
So did Amber,
with Mr. Old Fashioned.
You did?
Details?
It was a birthday party.
Lots of people were invited.
He didn't even
invite me himself.
My theory is he's gay.
He owns an antique shop.
Hello?
I don't think so.
Then he's got a disease,
or some other... tiny problem.
Oh, sheesh.
You like the freak show?
For now.
Light load this week.
Love seat's solid.
Vintage.
Yeah, it needs
some work, though.
Hey.
Look at that.
Got it dirt cheap.
Auction down in Eustace.
Nice, right?
Was that a car?
Is.
Is a car.
It's my new hobby.
Oh, when I get done with it,
you look out.
Hey, George?
Yeah?
How long you been married?
Ooh, 36 years.
How did you... know?
Know what?
Come on, man, know.
Know.
Ah, good question.
Have a seat.
- Here we go.
- Yes, we are. - Buckle up.
We grew up together.
We went to the same
grammar school,
junior high, high school.
Sophomore year, she asked me
to a Sadie Hawkins Day dance.
I don't wanna go, but I don't
wanna hurt her feelings either,
so I said yes.
It's only one night.
Well, after the dance,
she decides to kiss me.
So I kiss her back.
Oh, not so good.
You know, she still
can't do it right.
Point is, now I gotta date her
for almost a month
because I felt guilty
about kissing her.
And I didn't want to make
her feel cheap either, so.
So, about a month passes,
and just when I am
getting ready to dump her,
her mom gets diagnosed
with tuberculosis.
I mean, she starts
freaking out, man,
I mean, crying all the time,
calling me.
Just didn't seem fair
to break up with her then.
I mean, my people
knew her people.
Then there's her birthday.
Then Valentine's.
Then senior prom.
Graduation.
Then I'm 19.
I'm getting inducted
into the army.
You want the love seat?
People like the governor
and that fellow there
can stop worrying.
I'm not gonna talk about them.
I'm gonna talk about us,
the average guys,
the John Does.
If anybody should ask you what
the average John Doe is like,
you couldn't tell him because
he's a million and one things.
He's Mr. Big and Mr. Small.
He's simple and he's wise.
He's inherently honest.
He's the man
the ads are written for.
He's the feller
everybody sells things to.
He's Joe Doakes,
the world's greatest stooge
and the world's
greatest strength.
Yes, sir, we're a great
family, the John Does.
We are the meek
who are supposed to...
Do you care
if I sit down out here?
No.
You know, I had
a crazy dream last night.
It was about you.
About me?
Yeah, sure was crazy.
So, well, I got up out of bed
and I walked right through
the wall here,
right straight into your room.
You know how dreams are.
Why antiques?
My great aunt, Zella,
her mother's mother's sister,
she used to own this place.
I worked for her part-time
when I went to college.
I drove by the front
of some university
when I first got to town.
Mm-hmm, Bolivar.
That's where David teaches.
Zella, too, before she retired.
So you and David
both went there?
Yeah, we did.
We had the same major
for a while.
We were in the same fraternity.
You were in a frat?
I was.
I never finished college.
Seven years on and off.
I could just never
seem to focus.
Everything except
my language requirement.
I'm only three credits
in Spanish away from a B.A.
in, like, six degrees.
So, you bought this place
from your great aunt
when she retired?
She gave it to me.
For graduation.
That's some present.
Yeah, it is.
You could say I owe her.
She still alive?
Is that why you keep it?
She is, but I keep it for me.
Senior year, everything changed.
My goals,
what I want out of life.
What do you want out of life?
To be decent.
That's it.
A good person.
I needed to believe my life
could be different than it was.
That I could be different.
And how did you
do that, frat boy?
And don't even tell me you
found Jesus or something.
More like he found me.
Oh.
Really?
I know, I know,
but it's the truth.
That's why I took my
aunt up on her offer.
It's why I keep the shop.
It's a safe place for me.
Nothing heroic.
Not very ambitious.
I guess I just wasn't
destined for greatness.
I think the world
has enough greatness,
not enough goodness.
That's my theory.
You're doing it again.
Are you allergic to me
or something?
Not you.
You're allergic to cats.
You're all fixed.
That was fast.
Are you sure?
Yes sir, my friends, the meek
can only inherit the Earth
when the John Does
start loving their neighbors.
You better start right now.
Don't wait until the game is
called on account of darkness.
Wake up, John Doe,
you're the hope of the world.
John, you were wonderful.
What's this?
Allergy medicine.
And your hot chocolate.
Thanks.
You're, um...
Saving up for something?
Gas money.
That's it?
Just a jar.
That's not much of a story.
The stories, they're my
favorite part of what I do.
Folks rarely drop off dusty
old lamps or family portraits
without telling you a story.
It's kind of like the why
beneath the surface
that gives those things
meaning, you know?
No matter how faded
or ordinary anything appears,
everything has a story.
I agree.
You do?
That's why I have that.
I've lived in 14 states so far.
I try to keep in touch
with at least one person
from every place I've been.
"Love is the only gold."
Tennyson.
Alfred Lord Tennyson.
1809 to 1892.
The first time I read that I was
at a high school football game.
Home game.
Red and black, school colors.
I played French horn
in the marching band.
Stood behind Jeff Ferby,
who, for the record,
I had a major crush on.
The game was boring.
Not even close.
So I read, did homework.
Third quarter, two minutes left,
snow falling from the sky,
sipping on hot chocolate
with tiny marshmallows,
I read that.
When the jar is full,
I know I have enough.
For what?
To get far enough away
if I need to.
Make a fresh start.
Go where the wind takes me.
Follow the warm and fuzzies.
Life just isn't
all warm fuzzies.
It's not just all
rules either, religioso.
Besides, that's
how I ended up here.
I hit empty on County Line Road.
You just packed everything
you own into your car
and started driving
'til you ran out of gas?
Now, that's a story.
My last boyfriend didn't
want me to wear nail polish.
I did.
So he broke your hand?
He didn't mean to.
But he did.
No nail polish?
Sounds like something
you'd come up with.
Depends on the color.
It was clear.
Yeah, I know.
Funny, huh?
He was nothing like you.
My one and only fight,
and I lost.
No.
He did.
He lost.
You're wearing me down, woman!
Hey!
All better.
How'd the door
get off the hinges?
How come you haven't
asked me out yet?
Hint, hint.
If I do, will you
stop breaking things?
My rules, my way?
Okay.
This is truly
such a wise choice.
Very mature.
Discerning.
So, first, let me simply
affirm your prudent decision
to take solemnly the idea
of holy matrimony.
How long have you been engaged?
Oh, we're not.
We just met.
Oh!
"Do you regularly use
or abuse drugs or alcohol?"
Not since college.
But I think we're
supposed to go in order.
Just so you know, this is
what some might call rushing it.
"Do you have
any pet peeves?"
Check out these colors.
"Do you have
any pet peeves?"
Just one.
That's a red.
What's wrong
with planning ahead?
Next question.
"How many children
would you like to have?"
One or two.
I was hoping for two or three.
That's a yellow.
Oh, isn't that beautiful?
Overpriced.
"What experience do you
have raising children?"
Come on!
Are you experienced?
- Is this necessary?
- Smaller pieces.
No coaching.
I am so sorry.
Do the two of you think Amber
and I make a good couple, or...
Sir.
Thanks, man.
Now what was all
that over there?
Why you pushing her like that?
Okay, can you
say hello in Chinese?
Ni.
- Ni.
- Hao.
- Hao.
- Ma.
- Ma.
- Good job!
Let's do "thank you"
one more time.
Show Miss Amber.
Ready?
Xiexie.
Xiexie.
You're a natural.
So, I pass?
Are you honestly this desperate?
Hey, we set a date.
Next month.
That's fast.
Eh, nothing fancy, you know?
Lisa wants to keep it small.
In fact, have it right here
in the backyard.
Yeah, just a few
friends coming in.
Nice.
Like Kelly.
Like Kelly or...
Flying in from
Phoenix by herself.
Just got separated
from her husband.
Yeah, he had a thing,
some girl in his office.
They're trying to work it out,
but you know how that goes.
How long have you known him?
Since college.
He dated my best
friend for a while.
The two of them
set David and me up.
Here we are.
What was Clay like back then?
A lot more fun.
Really?
Everybody loved him.
He had this wild kind
of energy, out of control.
He used to co-host this
stupid campus cable TV show
with another friend of ours.
It started out as
a joke sophomore year,
but then it just kept
getting bigger.
They started traveling,
hosting spring break parties,
producing DVDs.
He didn't tell you about?
Oh, they raked it in!
Built this amazing machine.
Clay had all kinds
of offers from New York,
Chicago, advertising.
He said no to them all.
Shut down the business.
Made a bunch of
bizarre apologies.
Gave away what was left
of his money.
He's not the same.
You got awful quiet.
Aren't you gonna ask me
any more questions?
Nothing good happens after 11.
Okay.
Hey, Amber?
What?
Well, why don't
you do us a favor
and just decide
what we do next time.
Next time?
Good night, stress boy.
Good night, pretty girl.
They're showing al
the "Rocky" s on cable again.
Thanks for the warning.
Like on a loop?
- Yeah!
- I hate when they do that.
- Last night, it was five.
- I don't like five.
No one likes five.
I like the one where
he takes her to the zoo.
Yeah, that's the second one.
"What percentage
of your annual income
is appropriate
to spend on a pet?"
I can see how he's
got you all worked up.
Not all the questions
are like that.
"Do you believe
in the death penalty?"
Mmm, oh, yes!
Death penalty!
No, thanks!
Gots to have a real man.
Clay is a real man.
I haven't found one yet
that I like better than
a good piece of chocolate,
and I've been married
three times.
But I'm still looking.
He's reliable.
He's handy.
Yep.
No peeking.
Just one.
All right.
Hardware store?
Are you watching this?
Mm-hmm.
Here we go.
Who's the man?
Ooh!
Oh, my!
Mr. Walsh,
the world wants to know,
when are you going to kiss her?
No comment?
May I?
There's only one thing
that without fail,
no red-blooded woman
alive can resist.
Are you listening?
Indifference.
Oh, spare me!
I'm sorry,
did you say something?
Oh, you are so hot.
That man knows
what he's talking about.
Zach, from Collegedale.
So you and David are
friends with Lucky Chucky?
When I didn't wanna play
frat boy anymore,
he and David were
the only ones that stuck around.
Everybody else walked.
He's a victim.
Please!
He's the kind of guy
that's always gotten away
with everything.
It's true.
But only because people let him.
Is that his fault?
He's a product of the system.
That's ridiculous.
Just like I used to be.
Before you saw the light?
Yeah, became a religioso.
But you were never like that.
Hey, you're the one that wanted
to turn the radio on, not me.
Let's get back to the book.
"Do you like
each other's friends?"
Definitely yellow.
So, Amber says you're reliable.
Definitely yellow.
Thank you, kind sir.
Mm-hmm.
Here.
What's this?
I got you something, my lady.
You did?
Mm-hmm.
Did you wrap it yourself?
I paid extra for that.
What?
It's to help you focus.
Comprende?
I get it.
Thank you.
Very thoughtful.
It's a start.
It is.
Keep trying.
Hey.
So last night,
it starts all over again.
Back to number one?
Running up the stairs,
collecting for Gazzo.
Sure, yeah,
the first one's all right.
The first one is awesome!
It's only a movie.
Thank you, ma'am.
Go ahead, take a guess.
What do you think
I watched on TV last night?
Oh, I have no idea.
"Sleepless in Seattle."
Now, that's a good movie.
You're killing me.
Sleepless in where?
I love
"Sleepless in Seattle."
- Figures.
- You don't?
- I'm allergic to cats.
- So?
Bill Pullman.
Nice guy, kind, reliable, but
just because he happens to itch
and get puffy red eyes
and sneeze all over the place,
it's okay for Meg Ryan
to run off with Tom Hanks.
Oh!
The boring guy with
allergies in the movies
always gets dumped
and it's not right
and it must be stopped.
Am I boring?
In a good way.
So honest.
This coat sure
has a lot of pockets.
What else you got in here?
Anything interesting?
Doubtful.
- What?
- Forgot about that.
- Can I see?
- No.
Ooh!
A checklist?
"Magnifying glass
and Spanish CD."
Check.
Check.
Check.
Check.
"Respect her emotions
as well as her body."
Check.
How is it possible that
you're not already married?
I could ask you
the same question.
It's almost 11.
Fair enough.
If you don't mind, I'm going
to use the little boys' room.
And stay out of my pockets.
Hello.
Hola.
Hola.
Good morning.
Buenos das.
Buenos das.
Goodbye.
Adis.
Adis.
Buenos das, stress boy.
I'm liking my presents.
Shall we?
I can't let you
get all the kicks.
Huh?
"It's easier to keep holidays
than commandments,"
Benjamin Franklin.
That's true.
I definitely prefer holidays.
"Our lives begin to end
the moment we remain silent
about things that matter."
Who said that?
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Would you like to come
over to my house tomorrow?
See where you live?
Yes, that I would like.
Make some dinner together?
Shh!
Just the two of us?
Alone?
What're you laughing at?
White picket fence?
You love it.
Clay grows tomatoes for us
right around here.
He cans 'em too.
He's well-trained.
What was that?
Mind your own beeswax.
No candles?
No flowers?
I'm ashamed of you.
Ashamed!
Let's pray.
Thank you.
You're blessed.
Oh, she looks so peaceful.
She's faking.
Oh, she is not.
You read all these?
Most of 'em.
Wow, I read this
in the tenth grade.
So sad.
Is that a Bible?
Mm-hmm.
What parts of it
do you believe exactly?
Oh, man.
Any favorites?
"Old things have passed away.
Behold, all things
have become new."
That's in here?
Mm-hmm.
Who's Kelly?
Don't wanna talk about it?
It's complicated.
Kelly was my
last real girlfriend.
Before all of your theories
She was a...
She was the first girl I ever
actually really cared for.
She gave that to me
right before we broke up.
I really don't even know why
she liked me, what she saw.
She was a... you know, she
wanted to wait, and I didn't.
So I hooked up with
one of her good friends.
On the rebound, she started
dating some other guy,
got pregnant, got married.
I hurt her.
Is that what made you change?
It wasn't one big thing.
It was more like a like a lot
of little things, all adding up.
You know?
And that book,
that didn't help much either.
I mean, sometimes I wish
I never opened it at all.
Why?
Because when
I read it for myself,
I couldn't
make fun of it anymore.
Someone else could,
but I couldn't.
I felt accountable for
the first time in my life.
The first time.
And it was genuine and real.
A sense of, I don't
know, like a voice or...
You hear voices?
No, I don't.
Not... it's not, like,
real voices.
It's... I can't even explain it,
still, even now.
It's hard to try
to put it into words
without sounding
like a crazy person.
You are a crazy person.
Shh. Listen.
What?
You hear that?
There it is again.
It's like a whisper.
You hear it?
It's telling me something.
Oh, it is?
Ask her to go to church
with you sometime.
Thank you, Aunt Zella.
You go to church?
Not much anymore.
I did.
The people
there weren't perfect,
so he felt out of place.
I believe that.
I just drifted away
from it, that's all.
Kind of had my fill
of the hypocrite show.
Well, I've never been.
So I think that you and I
should go together sometime.
I'd like to experience
that with you.
Why?
Good Lord, you two, both
of you take me home already.
This is getting painful.
"Mercy and truth
are met together.
Righteousness and peace
have kissed each other."
It's just that the two of you
are so different, that's all.
He's... different.
I know.
You can do so much better.
When he held my hand in
that church, it felt like home.
What's better than that?
Oh, stop it.
I've been debating.
What?
Cool.
I've always wanted
to be in one of those.
Why are you giving this to me?
Check out the name
of the producer.
You should watch that sometime.
I don't need to.
Doesn't matter.
The man who made this
doesn't exist.
Never even met him.
All right, fellas,
let's get to it. Limo's here.
So, when do I get
to meet her, huh?
- You don't.
- Oh, she got a name?
Yeah, it's What's Her Face.
Really? She coming
to the wedding?
Could you...
hey, come on, man.
We're gonna be late
for our dinner reservation.
Dude, are you pretty enough yet?
Hey, bring it in here.
We're getting hungry,
man, come on.
Who wants some
of that good red meat?
Yeah!
Hotel security.
We're getting complaints
about the noise.
Open the door.
We're just
having a bachelor party.
We didn't mean to...
come in, come in.
Which one of you gentlemen's
the registered guest?
Well, it's the,
it's the charming, handsome,
intellectual black man
right there.
I'm gonna need you
to sit down, please.
David, sit down.
You should do what
the lady says, David.
Fantastic, Brad.
David, David, don't do this.
Open that door.
- Are you kidding me?
- Open the door!
I'm not gonna open the door.
Think about Lisa and Cosie.
What? They have nothing
to do with this.
He's not hurting them.
Does anybody else have
a problem with this?
No, you know what?
You know, Clay,
why don't you leave
and let the rest of us
enjoy the interrogation.
Yeah!
That's it! Yes! Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, get it!
Get it!
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I can't.
Thank you, thank you.
I can't. I'm sorry. Sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on.
What were you thinking, man?
Come on.
Dude, I swear I didn't
know he was gonna do that.
Seriously.
I mean, all I wanted
was a steak.
Get in the car.
All right, all right,
all right, all right. All right.
Going for a walk.
Still my best man.
All right, brother.
- Be careful.
- Yeah.
- Stay out of trouble.
- Yeah, right.
Hey. Hey!
You owe me 200 bucks.
Oh, where are you going?
Taking your toys and
going home right on cue?
Just like you always did.
So noble, so superior.
You're an inspiration to us all,
and we bow before thee.
When did treating women
with respect become the joke?
You wanna laugh at believing
love can be something sacred?
Go ahead, laugh.
You want to know
what the joke is?
Hey!
Do you have any idea how much
you cost her in tips tonight?
Don't you think you ought
to do something about that?
Huh?
What?
Hey! Get off, man.
Did somebody ask
for your help in there?
You think you're better than me.
My turn.
Choose.
What's it say?
"Get lost."
Start driving.
Get out.
Just me?
Go!
I'm going.
Over there?
Okay.
"How many sexual partners
have you had
in the past 10 years?"
Ugh!
And it was almost a normal date.
What does that mean?
A normal date.
Oh, a normal date.
You mean where
two strangers hop into bed
and then try to figure out later
whether or not they
have anything in common.
Is that what you mean by normal?
What is with you today?
Why are you so hard
on everybody?
You know, most of us
are just doing our best
not to feel lonely,
and it isn't easy.
Do you like living by yourself?
Without anybody to...
Buy me flowers.
Make me a card.
I don't need you to make me
your community service project.
I need you to dance with me.
That was okay, wasn't it?
Yes.
I know it's in you.
I know it.
Flatter me.
Sweep me off my feet.
Tell me I'm the most attractive
woman you've ever met.
Even if you don't mean it.
I don't care.
Lie to you?
Exactly A normal date.
I've wasted a lot of words.
I don't want to waste any more.
On me?
You're scoring
all kinds of points.
It's not about scoring points.
That's right.
It's about red, yellow, green.
Fine.
I've been with five.
I've had sex with five men.
Heavy petted with
four more, give or take.
And, oh, I was married once,
for 2 years when I was 19.
Happy?
What else would
you like to know?
It was like I was
living by myself anyway.
So one morning, when he was
actually home for a change,
I just walked up
and set the divorce papers
down in front of him,
and made myself some oatmeal.
We didn't even discuss it.
Did he ever try to...
I don't wanna live back there.
And I don't want to tell you
a bunch of bad things about him,
so that I feel less responsible.
I can't blame him
for my decision,
and you can't either.
It's who I am.
I can't even remember how
many girls I've been with.
Can we just get back into
the car and get lost again?
Too late.
Why haven't you invited me
to David and Lisa's wedding?
It's the day after
tomorrow, isn't it?
You wanna go?
Do you want me to go?
I don't wanna crowd you
or change you
or what you believe in.
All I want is for you to
tell me how I make you feel.
Can you?
How do I make you feel, Clay?
Do you feel?
Do you think about me
before you go to sleep at night?
Baby, do you long for me
the way I long for you?
Don't you wish you could just
turn your head on your pillow
and see me looking back at you?
I need to know that you want me.
I need to know that.
It's important to me.
Please.
Very nice.
Come on, you show me.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
You having fun?
You having fun?
Come on, show me.
Olly, olly, oxen free!
You look terrible.
What are you doing
to that poor love seat?
I'm fixing it.
Obviously.
Love your work.
Hey, you want to come look at
some other priceless
antiquities you can fix?
Got a two-for-one special
on nightstands.
Oh, and a sledge hammer
for free.
Yeah, they're great.
Come on.
Do you love this girl?
Do you?
If you do, life's too short.
And if you don't,
life's too short.
That's all I got for you.
But if it doesn't work out,
give me her number.
Did you tell him about that?
No, you're right.
We're too different.
You can't quit.
When things get messy,
I move on.
That's what I do.
I'm really good at it.
Well, what happens when
there's no place to move on to?
The world is pretty big.
And it's pretty messy too.
Everywhere.
Bartender!
Now we can do this every night.
Wait, don't leave.
I'm going to go get
something to cheer you up.
Don't go anywhere.
I think I found you
something interesting.
Looks fun.
Hi.
Am I the most attractive
woman you've ever met?
Sure.
You allergic to cats?
Trish, have you seen Amber?
You just missed her.
Do you know where she went?
No!
But I saw who she left with.
And you know what?
Didn't look reliable.
Kelly.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Can I come in?
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Just be with me now.
No answer?
Come on, man.
He has the rings.
Where is he at?
Oh, he's probably just double
checking your wedding vows
for theological errors
or something.
Making sure your ceremony
is up to his standards
without stain or blemish.
Okay, all right, Brad.
Just let him live his own life.
No, I'm sick of it, all right?
He's gonna crash and burn soon.
And I just hope
I'm there to see it.
You're gonna be late.
I was pretty stupid last night.
Thanks, for not...
And so, before these witnesses,
those that love you
and vow to sustain you both
in your public commitment
to one another,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
"Never will I leave you,
never will I forsake you."
Clay?
Are you there?
Open up.
Please open this door.
Please.
I don't want normal.
I want you.
I wasn't able to appreciate...
You know what I did
on my honeymoon?
I cried myself to sleep
trying to figure out
why my brand-new husband
was more interested in watching
on the hotel TV
than touching me.
And that's not your fault.
Why did you let her in?
That was Bible girl, wasn't it?
Was anyone else
here in the house?
No.
You were alone together?
Just for a moment.
I saw her
leaving in the morning.
Did she stay the night?
What's so funny?
I was sleeping in my truck.
Why didn't you come after me?
I have a theory.
Maybe love doesn't have to be
perfect to still be worth it.
And maybe you don't have
to be perfect for me to...
You don't know all
the things I've done.
I know more than you think.
I'm not sure if I should
be with anybody at all.
Why didn't you come after me?
I did.
I ran into Trish.
She told me you
hooked up with some guy.
Who?
I don't know his name.
I never even asked.
What'd you do?
Ouch.
Amber...
You know, I came here.
I came here ready
to forgive you,
no matter what.
I mean, that's what
I'm supposed to do, right?
Isn't that the whole idea?
Isn't that the good news?
You make it sound so easy.
You make it sound impossible.
If I had betrayed
everything I said I believe...
God forbid you made a mistake!
You fell.
You got it wrong.
What do you think I did?
You tell me.
Nothing.
Nothing happened
with that guy, Clay.
We went back to his hotel room,
and he opened the door,
and I just stood there
staring at my feet.
I couldn't.
Something was different.
"Behold, all things
have become new."
All right, all right.
Welcome back, kiddies.
Live in the flesh, here I am,
the Zen master of what you want,
when you want it.
Now, where was I?
Oh, that's right.
The rest of my crazy hot
chickapoo at the wedding story
from time recently served
in flyover country.
Yes, sir.
I did my duty.
But as I was saying earlier,
it wasn't meant to be.
She never even
uttered a single word.
Just turned a complete 180,
walked out of my life forever.
Nothing but a tease.
And I thought we had
something special.
So what else could I do?
After facing such rejection,
I did the only thing
any respectable man could do.
I went down to the hotel bar
to try to redeem myself,
find some lonely, insecure,
last-call-for-alcohol mama
to help me tend to my wounds,
help me forget my recent
and catastrophic loss.
But instead, I found nothing.
She found me.
Do you want the details?
Yeah, you do.
Do you want me to
play Show and Tell
and share my goodies
with the rest of the class?
Is that what you want?
Is it? Is it?
She believed in me.
In you?
If you don't chase
after that girl,
you're nowhere near the person
we thought you were.
Exactly.
I'm damaged goods.
She's better off.
I mean, I don't even deserve...
My Lord, if you were
any more self-absorbed,
you would be a dot.
So you agree?
I should be alone.
Mm-hmm, probably.
Oh, I'd like to wring your neck.
Look at you,
the high and mighty.
You expect the whole world
to stand up
and do the wave for you,
give you a trophy
for being good,
and if they don't?
So help me, if you lock yourself
away for another 9 years,
you think that'll make you holy?
I wish I...
I, I, I, I, I.
Stop twisting it.
Wake up.
Get over yourself,
you and your pain.
Stop using the grace of God
as a brick wall.
Do you get this upset
over children starving?
Over anyone else's suffering?
I admire you so much.
In all my years,
I've never known anyone
work as hard at being good.
Define "good."
There is no goodness
without mercy.
There is no virtue
without forgiveness.
And I'm not talking
about Amber forgiving you,
or you forgiving Amber.
None of this
is about any of that.
The way you carry ancient,
crusty, useless guilt
like a trained pet poodle
you want to show off,
like an excuse.
Let it go.
What are you waiting for?
How long?
You are loved.
You are so loved.
Oh, my child, you are.
Listen to me, Clay.
Enough!
We never arrive fully
this side of heaven.
You could remain hidden in that
house of yours for 100 years,
never see another face.
What a shame that would be!
Well, you would miss sharing it
with a whole bunch
of other confused nitwits,
some of whom inexplicably
care about you a great deal.
Playtime is over.
Be a man.
This is the day
the Lord has made.
"As the morning sun longs
to break free of the horizon,
"I long for you.
"I really mean it, baby!
Clay Walsh."
You are so cheesy.
Come on!
Your chariot awaits.
One second.
Courtesy of one
Mr. Clay Walsh.
Thank you.
You look so beautiful.
Have fun.
Oh! Take your shoes off.
Hey there, pretty girl.
Hey there, stress boy.
I love you.
Say it again.
I love you.
The baby food aisle?
A little on the nose?
Very romantic.
I love you too.
Te amo.
Yes!
You're supposed to...
Yes!
It won't be easy.
Yes.