Now listen, men.
Spring is here...
and spring is a dangerous time
of the year, especially in Paris.
The wanderlust is in the air.
Travelers are coming here from everywhere -
from Cincinnati and Singapore.
- Now, what do they come for?
- [Together] We know.
That's right. Chicago packers
don't come here for a plate of cold cuts.
Big planters don't come
from Brazil just for nuts.
From Norway and Sweden,
they don't come here to fish.
But whether they come from
Amsterdam or Birmingham or Siam...
we let them do whatever they wish.
We let them play in any way...
as long as they're willing to pay.
[Together]
That's okay.
But spring is here.
And after dark, our cafs are empty.
But every park has
standing room only every night.
- Now that's wrong.
- That's right.
The situation is not funny.
Our best cafs are losing money.
We must clean up the public parks.
We must clean up the public parks.
Here's your slogan:
Cleaner parks and more prosperity.
[All] Cleaner parks. Cleaner parks.
More prosperity. More prosperity.
Come on. Come on.
Where do you think you are?
What are you doing?
What's going on here?
The French Revolution.
Hey! You can't make love in public.
- I can make love anywhere.
- No, you can't.
- Oh, but, Officer, he can.
- Darling!
Get up.
- What's your name?
- Dr. Bertier.
And your name?
Madame Bertier.
- So you're married, eh?
- Yes, Officer.
And you expect me to believe that?
- Oh, please.
- Please.
Now let me tell you something.
You're the only married couple
in this park.
[Chuckles]
Get out!
Well, there's only
one other place to go.
Why not?
Listen, Officer.
Do you see that moon?
If he could talk French,
do you know what he would say to you?
Phooey.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I must talk to you.
This is a very delicate situation.
There is Colette,
and here am I.
And I know what you think.
Oh! I know.
How dare you.
You remember that policeman?
He was wrong.
And so are you.
Believe it or not,
we are married.
I am her husband.
And she is my wife.
And I can prove it to you.
Oh, look.
This is a picture of our wedding.
Myself and the bridesmaids.
And this is my wife.
Before the wedding, naturally.
And look at this lady.
My mother-in-law.
A marvelous cook.
In other words,
I am married, and I like it.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Now, gentlemen, as a doctor...
let me ask you a personal question.
How long since you have been in a park?
I mean - I mean, with your wife.
Ah. Ladies, that's what's wrong.
Build up your park life
to ensure your home life.
[Colette]
Darllng.
That's for me. Sweetheart.
That's for her.
I'll be with you in a minute.
That's for both of us.
Vlve la France.
#What a little thing
like a wedding ring can do #
# It can even give me
the right to live with you #
#We don't have to care
if the whole world knows #
#You can pay my bills
You can buy my clothes #
#And it's quite all right
if I kiss and tell #
- # It's legal #
- # It's swell #
#We don't have to hide
in a secret rendezvous #
# In the best hotel
we could get a suite for two #
- # But it's not a sin #
- #And it's full of spice #
- # But it's lawful #
- #And it's awful nice #
#What a little thing
like a wedding ring can do #
# It's really great to have a date
each night with you #
#You're so charming
in the morning too #
#That I miss you through the day #
#You have a date for every night
your whole life through #
#And the beauty of it all
is that when I come to call #
# I am sure that I can stay #
[Both Chuckle]
#What a little thing
like a wedding ring can do #
# It allows a thrill
when we start to bill and coo #
# I can squeeze you here
I can squeeze you there #
#And I'm never told
to handle with care #
# I don't have to stop
when I kiss your hand #
- # It's lawful #
- # Oh, it's grand #
#While we love and laugh
I go half and half with you #
#And we share delight
that we're both entitled to #
#What is mine is yours
What is yours is mine #
- [Bertler] #And It's lawful #
- [Colette] #And It's just dlvlne #
[Together] # What a llttle thlng
llke a weddlng rlng can do ##
[Colette]
Oh, darllng, I forgot to tell you.
[Bertler]
Tell me, sweetheart. Tell me.
[Colette]
You know who's comlng tomorrow for lunch?
Sweetheart, tomorrow morning...
when the sun is shining
and the breakfast is on the table...
and the little birdies
are singing in the trees...
I want you to tell me all about it.
But not now!
But, darling,
you don't even know who it is.
It's Mitzi.
My old school chum Mitzi.
- Not Mitzi!
- Yes, Mitzi!
Oh. Mitzi!
Andre, what have you against Mitzi?
- You don't even know her.
- No.
- I want you to meet her.
- Yes.
- I know you'll like her.
- Mm-hmm.
She's the very best friend I had
until she moved to Lausanne.
- Mm-hmm.
- And now she's come back.
- [Loud Thump]
- [Andre] Mltzl, Kltzl, Fltzl, Bltzl.
[Man]
So that's Mltzl.
That's she.
My wife.
When I married her,
she was a brunette.
Now you can't believe
a word she says.
That's all very well, Professor,
but have you any proof?
As a prospective client to a detective,
let me ask you a question.
Would you call me handsome?
Well, as a detective
to a prospective client, uh, no.
- Have a cigar.
- Thanks.
Now let me ask you another question.
As one man to another,
would you call this a beautiful woman?
[Woman, Slngsongy]
Oh, sweetheart.
- She's lying again.
- Lie back.
- Yes, angel?
- [Slngsongy] Good mornlng.
[Singsongy]
Good morning.
Are you busy?
No. Not at all.
Well, uh, I don't want to dlsturb you.
[Slngsongy]
Good-bye.
[Singsongy]
Good-bye.
- [Door Closes]
- [Exhales]
In Switzerland we have
a very peculiar law.
When a husband shoots his wife,
they put him in jail.
- Is this taxi engaged?
- Yes, madame.
Oh, that's too bad.
But, madame -
- Really, I - I hate to do this, monsieur.
- It's perfectly all right, madame.
But perhaps both of us -
Perhaps I could drop you, if you -
- I'm going towards the Bois.
- So am I.
- Oh. That's fine.
- Oh, that's splendid.
- Professor-
- Yes.
Speaking "detectively,"
you're as good as divorced right now.
Do you think the Five-Year Plan
will go over?
Madame, I don't believe in making plans.
Neither do I, monsieur.
I leave everything to the moment.
It's a very good place to live in.
You know, I think it was
awfully sweet of you to take me along.
I think so too.
Oh, monsieur, you're conceited.
No, madame.
I am married.
So, you have a wife.
Mm-hmm. And she has a husband.
Mmm. I can imagine.
- Madame.
- Monsieur.
Tell me. Do you see anything wrong
in us being alone together in this cab?
- Absolutely not.
- Neither do I.
Two strange people of opposite sex,
riding in a cab...
sitting side by side.
The gentleman reading a newspaper.
[Chuckles]
The lady looking out of the window.
[Both Laughing]
Explain that to your wife.
She won't believe it!
Would you believe it?
- Never!
- I wouldn't believe it myself.
No, and let me tell you something.
My husband wouldn't believe it either.
Your-Y-Your-
Oh, m-madame,
we're in a terrible situation.
Oh, we're as good as guilty.
All the facts are against us.
What shall we do?
Throw your newspaper away
and let us face the facts.
Madame.
Monsieur.
Driver, stop!
[Tlres Screech]
Madame, you may think I'm a coward.
I am!
- Mitzi!
- Colette!
[Together]
Darling!
[Together]
You look marvelous!
[Chattering Excitedly]
Oh, Mitzi, my darling. How have you been?
I haven't seen you since that day in Lausanne.
I've so much to tell you
I can hardly begin.
But werert we happy
and gay in Lausanne?
You look just as smart
and as stunning as then.
Oh, I'm much wiser, though,
thanks to several men.
Oh, how's the composer
you went with so much?
He's gone, but he had
such a wonderful touch.
And the painter who painted you
all draped in gauze?
One night I found out
what an artist he was.
[Chattering Excitedly]
Your boudoir's adorable,
simply divine.
And that bed - It's too gorgeous.
I wish it were mine.
My favorite perfume.
Femme de Paris.
Yes. Andre's so generous.
He gave it to me.
- Ah.
- Oh, I must show you my new lingerie.
Too stunning for only a husband to see.
- Those dresses - how thrilling!
- Yes, they're really quite fair.
I was just telling Andre
how I've nothing to wear.
- Ah?
- Of course, these are his.
Oh, they're as cute as can be.
But where is the rest of them?
Oh, pardon me.
- Well -
- Colette!
[Chattering]
I buy all his things, and believe it or not,
he wears even the ties.
- Well, he must love you a lot.
- How's the professor?
- Which one do you mean?
- The one that you married.
- Oh, he's still on the scene.
- You don't sound so happy.
Unless you're well mated, this business
of marriage is much overrated.
Oh, Mitzi, you don't know
how sorry I feel.
As for Andre and me -
well, he's just too ideal.
He sets me atingle.
I set him aflame.
#And no matter what happens #
#We still stay the same #
# Day after day #
#We will always be sweethearts
the same #
#As the day we began #
# Do what he may #
#We will always be sweethearts #
# For he is my boy #
#And my man #
# He kisses me
and my lips are so willing #
# But we both agree #
#That each time it's more thrilling #
#And so I can say #
#We will always be sweethearts
the same #
#As the day #
#We began ##
[Chuckles]
Darling.
This is Mitzi.
And this is Andre.
I'm - I'm extremely happy, madame.
Doctor, the pleasure's mine.
[Chuckles]
My very best friend and...
- my very, very husband.
- [Chuckles]
Don't you like her?
Oh, y-yes.
Oh, yes. I - I like her.
[Chuckles]
[Chuckles]
Look at him.
Look at him.
[Mutters]
Oh. No.
Isn't he darling?
I think he's cute.
Oh, please.
Oh!
- [Whispering] You mean to tell me -
- [Whispering]
[Whlsperlng Contlnues]
- He can?
- Yes, he can.
- No!
- I tell you he can!
Let's see him do it.
Darling, look like an owl.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, please, darling. Please.
- No, no.
- Oh, please do, Dede.
- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, please, Doctor. Look like an owl.
- Oh, now, madame. Will you - No.
- Yes, please do.
- I can't do it - No, no, no.
- Please. Please, Doctor.
Madame, luncheon is served.
It's about time.
- After lunch you'll do it?
- You will do it for me?
- No, no. Really, I -
- Mitzi, I hope you have a good appetite.
- Do you play Ping-Pong?
- Oh. Now, now stop it.
[Chuckles]
My wife thinks I am a darling.
And my wife's friend thinks I'm cute.
[Chuckles]
It's a terrible situation.
But I am determined
not to weaken.
We'll see.
[Whimpering]
Oh, madame.
Oh, call lyses 0546.
Tell Dr. Bertier to come.
- Yes, madame. At once.
- Describe my condition.
- Tell him you fear the worst.
- Oh, madame!
Madame, what happened?
Please tell me. Tell me.
Come on. Do as I tell you. lyses 0546.
Tell Dr. Bertier to come. Now hurry up. Hurry up.
Oh!
[Whlmperlng]
lyses 0546.
[Phone Rlnglng]
Hello. Yes?
Yes?
What?
What? She's sick?
Oh. Oh, yes.
Mitzi's sick.
Tell her I'm too tired.
Uh, what?
Well, yes. Yes. Naturally.
She wants the doctor right away.
Can't she make it tomorrow?
Just a minute, please.
Andre, this is no time for joking.
But why should I go?
Let her get another doctor.
Let her get two other doctors.
I don't want to mix business with Mitzi.
He doesn't want to mix
business with you.
- Why can't you be nice to my friends?
- But this is business. This is different.
- You hate her.
- Oh, darling, don't be ridiculous.
- I have nothing against her.
- I know you hate her.
- But why should I hate her?
- Well, you certainly don't like her.
I'm crazy about her!
- Then why don't you want to go?
- Because I don't want to mix "musiness" with Bitzi.
Business with Mitzi.
Oh, Mitzi, Kitzi, Bitzi.
[Exhales]
All right. I'll go.
Yes, Madame Bertier. Yes. Thank you.
The doctor's coming.
Oh!
[Whimpering]
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Good-bye, darling.
And remember.
No matter what she has -
heart trouble, appendicitis...
rheumatism, neuritis -
I love you.
##[Drums Beatlng]
##[Brass Band: March]
##[Ends]
Oh!
[Whimpering]
Madame, you sent for me.
I want it to be clearly understood
that you're sick.
Oh, Doctor.
Not "Oh, Doctor."
Just "Doctor."
# If I have to examine you
let me see your tongue #
# No, that's not the way to start
Put your head against my heart #
- #You look fine #
- # But I feel so weak #
- # Maybe you should go south #
- # No, I'm too warm #
- #Just touch my cheek #
- # Let me take a look at your mouth #
# Say Ahhh #
#Ahhh #
# I know it can't be chronic
but if you feel this way #
# Perhaps you need a little tonic
three times a day #
# My head is simply reeling
Oh, Doctor, don't delay #
- # How often do you get this feeling #
- #Three times a day #
#You seem to be in perfect shape
as far as I can see #
#Are you a doctor or a saint #
# Hold me, please
I'm going to faint #
- #You surely need attention #
- # Do something right away #
# Now, just take two of these in water
three times a day #
# But what if this sensation
should fail to go away #
#Then try a real hot application
three times a day #
- # I don't know why you fear me #
- # Oh, I wish that I could stay #
# I'd not complain if you were near me
three times a day #
# If you're not better
I'll be back tomorrow afternoon #
# Oh, Doctor, if you understood
you could do me so much good #
- #This tonic ought to help you #
- # I know a sweeter way #
# Oh, no, no, madame
I couldn't see you three times a day ##
Hello.
This is Dr. Bertier.
My husband,
Professor Olivier.
Dr. Bertier?
Dr. Bertier, physician.
Professor Olivier.
Ancient history.
- Doctor.
- Professor.
[Olivier Chuckles]
Ah.
[Both Chuckling]
Ah, yes.
[Chuckling]
- Ah. [Chuckling]
- [Chuckling]
Darling, I'm not feeling very well.
Why should you?
Oh, no, Professor.
Madame is in a very serious condition.
Why-Why shouldn't she be?
Conditions are bad everywhere.
[Chuckles]
The professor is joking.
Oh, no. No, I have no sense of humor.
No sense of humor at all.
[Laughs]
Now, children.
You are my wife's doctor.
My wife is your patient.
[Chuckles]
You are the husband
of my wife's best friend.
And I am the husband
of your wife's best friend.
I am looking forward
to a very happy Christmas.
Now get out.
- Hurry. Hurry. It's getting late.
- [Phone Rlngs]
Hello?
Just a moment.
Madame Lacroix.
How do you do, Madame Lacroix?
Yes, Madame Lacroix.
No, Madame Lacroix. No.
No. Not next week.
The party's tonight.
Yes. Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
Yes, thank you. He's fine.
Good-b -What?
Oh, you're fine too?
That's fine. Good-bye.
[Phone Rings]
Yes? Oh, Madame Rodevska.
Yes. Yes, I see.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. How interesting.
What? You're wearing a red dress?
Very dcollet? Practically no back?
No stockings at all?
But you're coming?
That's fine.
[Phone Rlngs]
Who is it?
Oh, Adolph.
No, Adolph. What do you want?
Oh, really, Adolph. It's 7:30.
I have a million things to do.
This is no time for silly conversation.
Hmm?
Hmm?
[Chuckles]
Colette, am I sitting next to you tonight?
Colette, tonight, next to you?
Now, Adolph, listen.
You're Andre's closest friend.
You were best man at our wedding.
That's as far as I'll go.
What?
Romeo?
You're coming as Romeo?
Yes. Yes, Romeo.
Of Romeo and Jullet.
What?
What?
Not a costume party.
Oh.
Oh, all right.
- Marcel.
- Yes, sir?
Why did you tell me
it was to be a costume party?
Ah, monsieur.
I did so want to see you in tights.
Uh, I don't think that Martel girl
is so attractive.
I do.
All right. All right.
I - I - I won't argue with you.
[Chuckles, Clears Throat]
Everybody- Everybody is entitled
to his own opinion.
That's what makes the world go round.
For instance -
For instance, take Russia.
Darling, I swear I've been true to you.
Why did you change those place cards?
Sweetheart, you know I love you -
and only you.
Why did you change those place cards?
If I tell you the truth,
would you believe it?
No.
[Singsongy]
Darling, I'm going.
[Ollvler]
Good-bye, angel. Sorry I can't go wlth you.
Are you staying out
late tonight, precious?
Yes, beloved. I don't thlnk
I'll be home before mornlng.
Aw, that's too bad.
Good-bye, sweetheart.
Good-bye, darllng.
- What are you doing tonight?
- Nothing, madame.
- Wouldrt you like to go out?
- No, madame. I'm too tired.
Too tired? For a little dance
and a good time?
- Not really.
- Yes, madame.
- You can have the night off.
- I'm sorry, madame, but really I'm too tired.
Other girls are grateful for a day off,
and you -you're too tired.
Oh, you're a most unreasonable girl
and most ungrateful.
- Oh, but I -
- Oh, be quiet.
## [Piano: Classical]
[Whispering]
Mitzi, I suspect Andre.
Colette.
You know what I found out?
How should I know?
He didn't want to
sit next to you tonight.
- And you know why?
- Why?
He wanted to sit next to
Mademoiselle Martel.
Uh-huh.
What do you mean, "Uh-huh"?
- Have you heard anything?
- Now, Colette, darling.
I believe Andre is absolutely faithful.
I don't care what people say.
People say?
- So everybody knows.
- Oh.
- Oh, tell me, Mitzi. Tell me everything.
- Darling. Darling.
There's absolutely nothing to tell.
Nothing definite.
[Whispers]
There she is.
Look at that dress.
- Terrible.
- Ghastly.
- And look at the way she wears her hair.
- Bleached.
Ah, madame.
Oh. Oh, my dear.
How are you?
I'm so glad to see you.
- You look perfectly stunning.
- Do you really think so?
Oh, gorgeous.
I'm simply crazy about that dress.
And you're looking so well too.
You must have gained.
Hello, Andre.
Where is Colette?
- What's the matter?
- I want to say "How do you do?" to her.
Dinner is served.
[Chattering]
[Mouthing Words]
Let's be happy.
Let's be gay.
Come on.
Let's drink and be merry.
Let's have a good time.
- Are you talking to me?
- Yes, Romeo.
Oh. Oh, Colette.
[Chuckling]
## [Upbeat]
Colette, when are we
going to dance?
Oh, when are we going
to be gay?
When are we going
to have all that fun? Hmm?
Well, Colette,
when are we going to have -
Right now.
# It's sweet
when the band is playing #
#To hold you in my arms #
# But I haven't time for saying #
#What I think of your charms #
#It's wonderful to be swaylng #
# To muslc of the dance #
#But I'd rather be obeylng #
# The muslc of romance #
# How I would love #
# One hour with you #
# One hour of #
#Just being with you #
# Then I could say #
# What I'm feellng #
#And conceallng #
#In my heart #
# Tonlght when all #
#Our danclng Is through #
#And moonbeams fall #
#On roses and dew #
# Perhaps you may even say #
#That you love me too #
#And let me stay #
# One hour with you #
# How I would love #
# One hour with you #
# I'm thinking of #
#The same thing as you #
#Then why delay #
#Just one reason #
#What's the reason #
# It's my wife #
# How I'd enjoy #
# One hour with you #
#You silly boy #
#Just what will you do #
# Leave that to me #
# Now I see
what champagne will do #
# No, no
Honestly #
# I'm tipsy for you #
# How I would love #
# One hour with you #
# I'm tired of #
#This hullabaloo #
#You used to say #
#You liked dancing #
# I love dancing #
# But with you #
# It's not so much #
#The steps that you do #
#Your very touch #
# Can make me say
Ooh #
#We'll have a chance for romance #
#When the party's through #
# It's all a bore #
# Unless I'm with you ##
##[Contlnues, Falnt]
Mitzi, please, don't.
Mitzi, don't be so Mitzi.
Why do you do that?
I can't tie a tie.
I never could tie a tie.
But I can tie a tie...
and how.
- There you are.
- [Chuckles]
Just a sample.
Mitzi! Mitzi!
Mitzi, my tie!
##[Band Contlnues]
Pardon me.
I'm a prisoner on my own veranda.
If I go inside, my wife sees me...
and I get into trouble.
If I go to the garden to Mitzi,
I get into trouble too.
But anyhow, I get my tie fixed.
What shall I do?
I go inside, my wife sees me,
and I get into trouble.
I go to the garden to Mitzi, I get into trouble,
too, but anyhow, I get my tie fixed.
I go inside, my wife sees me,
I get into trouble.
I go to the garden to Mitzi, I get in trouble,
too, but anyhow, I get my tie fixed.
[Muttering] I go inside, my wife sees me,
I get into trouble.
I go to the garden to Mitzi, I get into trouble,
too, but anyhow, I get my tie fixed.
I go inside, my wife sees me,
I get into trouble.
I go to the garden to Mitzi -
[Muttering]
I get my tie fixed.
A night in May.
Look at the moon.
Colette, how does the moon
affect you?
It turns me inside out
and upside down.
I tell you, if I didn't have
such a splendid education, I'd -
I'd yield to the animal in me.
Yes, I - I admit I come
of a very fine family.
Well, should a refined gentleman
not have any luck?
Does one have to be a roughneck
to get along in the world?
I wonder where Andre is.
I love you, Colette.
Colette, I love you.
Let's - Let's - Let's run away.
Let's live.
- You're still a young woman.
- Andre!
My tie. My tie.
- Andre.
- Andre!
Andre?
Andre?
[Sobbing]
Oh!
[Sobblng Contlnues]
[Crying]
[Loud Crying]
- We had a most delightful time, Doctor.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night, Andre.
- Good night.
- Thank you.
Good night, Dr. Bertier.
I had a perfectly charming evening.
- Thank you so much.
- It was a pleasure, madame.
I'll be waiting in a taxi
on the next corner for five minutes.
Impossible.
- Ten minutes.
- Ridiculous.
All right. Fifteen minutes.
Positively maybe.
Good-bye, madame.
- Good night.
- Good night.
#Why did I kiss that Mitzi #
# I still can feel it yet #
#And now I'm in a spot
And what a spot #
# For right out there is Mitzi
and right up there Colette #
# Should I be brave
and misbehave or not #
# Should I say yes or no #
# Should I stay home or go #
#Why should I be afraid to fall #
# I'm only human after all #
# I love Colette #
# I'm crazy for Colette #
# But, oh, that Mitzi #
# I kiss Colette #
#And I get all upset #
# But, oh, that Mitzi #
#To stay or go
I really can't decide #
# But this I know
We can't all three be satisfied #
# I love Colette
I haven't weakened yet #
# But, oh, that Mitzi #
# Some girls are slow
Some even answer "no" #
# But, oh, that Mitzi #
# Some girls are cool
and others only fool #
# But, oh, that Mitzi #
#There's no mistake
about the way she clings #
#Why, she could make an angel
throw away his wings #
#And yet I claim
Colette can do the same #
# But, oh, that Mitzi ##
[Crying]
Why don't you go back
to Mademoiselle Martel?
- [Chuckling] Oh, darling.
- It may be a joke to you, but it -
Our romance is over.
[Laughing]
Oh, darling.
If I wanted to start something
with Mademoiselle Martel...
would I do it here?
Couldrt I call her to my office?
So, that's what goes on
in your office!
Darling, we have been married
for three years.
And for three years,
you've gone to your office every day.
Sweetheart, take my word -
This Martel girl -
- I don't believe you!
- I demand that you believe me.
I saw what I saw.
[Sobbing]
[Car Horn Honks]
Let's not talk about it.
Let me take you in my arms.
I love you.
You're lying!
[Sobs]
- Darling, if you don't believe me -
- [Horn Honks]
If you don't believe me,
in two and a half minutes, I'm going out.
Oh. So you're threatening me,
are you?
All right. Go out.
Darling, I warn you, I'm going.
I heard you. Go!
All right.
- I'm going.
- My compliments to Mademoiselle Martel.
Andre!
Andre! Andre!
Adolph!
- I've come to stay.
- Adolph!
- # I'm dying for one hour with you #
- Adolph, the party's over.
- # I've got to pour my love out to you #
- What's the matter with you?
- # I'm just insane with desire #
- Adolph, this is ridiculous!
- I don't know whether to laugh or scream.
- # I'm on fire #
- I want you to leave this house at once.
- # Have a heart ##
Andre!
You'll have to call louder than that
if you want Andre to hear you.
But if you want Adolph,
all you have to do is whisper.
Oh.
[Crying]
Sorrow makes you look
even more beautiful.
Thank you, Adolph.
More feminine...
younger.
- Do you really think so?
- I do, Colette.
Oh, thank you, Adolph.
[Sobbing]
Any man who leaves
a woman like you...
on a night like this,
with a man like me...
deserves it.
But it was my fault.
I was wrong.
You have a right to be wrong.
You're a woman.
Women are born to be wrong.
I like my women wrong.
You poor, lonely little thing.
Oh, I'm so unappy.
- You need love.
- Yes. Love.
Lots of love.
Lots of love.
## [Whistling]
Get out! Get out,
or I'll call my husband!
- Oh, darling.
- My dear, how excited you seem.
I just had a dream,
a terrible dream.
I dreamed that last night, when you
were gone, I was downstairs alone and -
Yes, yes? Go on.
Suddenly a man took hold of me.
I - I struggled, and he -
- Choked you?
- No.
- Shot you?
- No.
What did he do?
He kissed me.
Oh. Kissed you.
[Chuckling]
Your dream shall come true.
But the man wasrt you.
Someone I know?
- He's your pal.
- What a pal!
- It was Adolph.
- Oh, no. Not Adolph.
[Laughs] That's a scream.
It couldn't be Adolph, even in a dream!
Adolph!
#And still I feel guilty #
# It doesn't seem right #
# But you shouldn't leave me #
#At night #
# Day after day #
#We will always be sweethearts #
#The same as the day #
#We began #
# Dream what I may #
#We will always be sweethearts #
# My lips are for no other man #
# Dear, never fear #
# I won't ever neglect you #
# Each night I'll be here #
#To adore and protect you #
#And year after year #
#We will always be sweethearts #
#The same as the day #
#We began ##
- [Knocklng]
- [Colette] Come In.
Darling, whatever-
- Professor!
- Doctor.
- Oh, it's nice of you to drop in.
- Uh-huh.
- We missed you a lot last night.
- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles] Wort you sit down?
- Thank you. Yes.
- Excuse me one minute.
- Yes.
- Uh, it's a bit drafty, eh?
- Yes.
Did you, uh, have
a good time last night?
Well, we -we tried our best.
First we had, uh -we had dinner.
Then we danced.
And then we -we played a little.
Played? May I ask what?
- Cards.
- Cards?
Bridge.
You didn't play cards
last night, Doctor.
Oh! Professor.
I ought to know.
[Chuckling]
You were in my apartment
last night.
- In your apartment?
- Mm-hmm.
Let me see.
You left your house...
at 2:10.
You went to the corner,
jumped into a cab.
My wife was in that cab.
Yes. Yes, that's true.
That's absolutely true.
Uh, your-your wife -
your wife was alone.
See, naturally, as her host...
I wanted to see her
get home safely.
Thank you
for protecting my wife, Doctor.
- It was only my duty, Professor.
- Yes.
Now, let me see -The car arrived
in front of my house at 2:35.
You and my wife
stayed in the car...
for eight minutes...
up to 2:43.
Right. Right.
Your-Your wife just -
just asked me something.
And then I answered.
Then another question,
and then another answer.
One question follows an answer.
You know? [Chuckling]
Eight minutes -
Eight minutes can go like that!
Yes. Yes.
Then you, uh -
you got out of the car.
You went to the house,
and at the door...
my wife handed you the key.
You unlocked the door...
and after a short conversation,
you went in.
This was exactly 2:51.
Uh -Am I boring you?
Oh, not at all, Professor.
Uh, yes, y-your wife -
your wife said...
"Wort you come up
and have a little brandy?"
And I said,
"Ah, a little brandy can't hurt."
- So, I - I went up.
- Yes.
And, uh -
And you had the brandy?
Yes.
Was it good brandy, Doctor?
Excellent, Professor.
You drank this brandy
from 2:53...
to 4:44.
Professor, I assure you...
that there is
absolutely nothing wrong.
We just -We just had a chat...
and a few laughs.
You know, y-your wife -
your wife is very amusing.
Yes, everyone says so.
It must be true.
Now, Professor,
all appearances are against me.
I know. I know.
But let me tell you again -
Not another word, Doctor.
- I believe you.
- Thank you.
You're very welcome.
I believe you.
But no one else will. [Chuckles]
Too bad, isn't it?
I just came up here this morning
to ask you...
if you would appear,
voluntarily, as a...
shall we say, witness
in my divorce suit?
[Chuckles]
Professor, please believe me.
I'm an innocent man.
I'm not guilty.
And neither is Mitzi.
I mean - I mean, your wife.
My friend -
May I call you my friend?
- Please.
- My friend, nobody is guilty.
I have a theory that nobody
is responsible for their actions.
Right!
That's absolutely right.
Our doings are controlled by circumstances
over which we have no control.
Oh, excellent.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Therefore, nobody can
be held responsible for his actions.
Oh, what a beautiful thought,
Professor.
You know -
You know that you're a poet?
[Chuckles] This, of course, has nothing
whatever to do with our case.
- Good morning, Professor.
- Madame.
Ah, I'm so glad you dropped in.
We should see each other
more often.
[Chuckles]
I'm afraid the doctor doesn't like me.
Oh, Professor.
Where did you get such an idea?
Oh, by the way, how's Mitzi?
- Mitzi?
- Yes.
Oh, Mitzi. Uh, let me see.
She left this morning for Lausanne.
- Lausanne?
- Mmm.
- Oh, to see her mother.
- I suppose so.
- I hope nothing's happened to her mother.
- To her mother?
No, I don't think so.
Well, we'll see.
I'm sorry, but I must be going now.
Well, you must come again sometime.
And when you write Mitzi,
you'll give her my best regards, won't you?
Oh, I surely will.
And yours, Doctor?
Please.
- Well, good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
Don't you think
he behaved strangely?
Oh, no, not at all.
Andre? There's something wrong
between the professor and Mitzi.
Oh. What an idea, Colette.
I feel it. I feel it.
My womars instinct tells me.
And there's a man in it.
Andre?
You know who the man is?
- Who?
- This Russian artist Rodovsky.
- No. No, it's not Rodovsky.
- How do you know?
I don't know. I don't know.
My- My instinct tells me it's not Rodovsky.
I tell you, it's Rodovsky.
All right. All right.
Everybody- Everybody is entitled
to his own opinion.
[Chuckles]
Let's hope it's Rodovsky.
You're right, Andre.
It's not Rodovsky.
Now I know who it is.
- Who?
- That American - Goldberg.
Maybe - Maybe you're right.
I - I wouldn't be surprised
if it were Goldberg.
Andre!
- I have it now.
- Who?
No. No. No, it can't be.
# I didn't want to do what I did
but I did #
#And now what can I do #
# I'd better take a trip
Yes, a trip on a ship #
#To China or Peru #
# I knew the moment
that she began #
#Where it was leading to #
# It might have happened
to any man #
# It might have happened
to you #
# It was late
and she was lonely #
#And she begged
for sympathy only #
# Now I ask you
what would you do #
# In a case like that #
# If her head
was on your shoulder #
#And she grew
a little bit bolder #
# Now I ask you
what would you do #
#With a girl like that #
# Do you think
you could resist her #
# Do you think
you wouldn't have kissed her #
#Would you treat her
like a sister #
# Come on, be honest, mister #
# If you saw her
turn the light out #
#Would you get your hat
and get right out #
# Now I ask you
what would you do #
[Chuckles]
#That's what I did too #
# It was late
and she was lonely #
#And she begged
for sympathy only #
# Now I ask you
what would you do #
# In a case like that #
# If her head
was on your shoulder #
#And she grew
a little bit bolder #
# Oh, I ask you
what would you do #
#With a girl like that #
# Do you think
you could resist her #
# Do you think
you wouldn't have kissed her #
#Would you treat her
like your sister #
# Oh, come on
Be honest, mister #
# If you had a sweet
and pure wife #
#Wouldrt you be faithful
to your wife #
# Now I ask you
what would you do #
# Heh, that's what I did too ##
Darling.
- Have you had any breakfast?
- Yes.
Was -Was it a good breakfast?
Marvelous.
Had a - a good night's sleep?
Yes. Wonderful.
- Feel strong?
- Great!
Strong enough to face -
to take a-a nice -
a nice, long walk with me?
I'd love it.
Sit down, darling.
Darling,
I've got to disillusion you.
Your instinct was right.
There is something wrong
in Mitzi's marriage.
Didrt I tell you?
Didrt I tell you?
And who wouldn't believe me?
[Laughing]
Oh, darling, tell me.
Tell me all about it.
You were right.
There's a man in it.
[Squeals]
Rodovsky?
- No.
- Goldberg?
- No.
- But who is it, darling?
Tell me, who?
Me.
You?
You?
My husband...
and my very best friend.
Look at me, Andre.
Oh!
[Crying]
Go away!
Either you leave this house or I do.
- But, sweetheart -
- Our marriage is over.
- Darling -
- From now on you're nothing but a doctor to me.
- I love you.
- Tell it to my lawyer.
Believe me,
there was nothing wrong in it.
I know I shouldn't have done it...
but please, please forgive me
for- for what I didn't do.
I don't want to hear another word!
You can keep the house, my jewels,
the furniture, everything!
I don't want any alimony!
[Crying Continues]
How do you do, sir?
[Crylng Contlnues]
Adolph.
Don't go.
Sweetheart, you must forgive me.
Forgive you?
I'm in no position
to forgive you.
You think you were bad? No.
You were just
a naughty little boy.
Look at me.
I'm the one that's bad.
You think you're a Don Juan, eh?
Well, if you're a Don Juan,
then I'm a Cleopatra.
You, with your one hour.
What's your one hour
compared with my 25 minutes?
Remember the dream I told you
about Adolph and me?
Well, that was no dream. It happened,
right here, on the night of our party.
[Sputtering Laugh]
- Oh, so you think a man
couldn't fall in love with me.
- Let me kiss you.
- You think I'm not attractive enough?
- Maybe I'm too old.
- [Laughing]
- Well, I'll show you.
- Oh, darling! Darling.
[Laughlng Contlnues]
Adolph!
Adolph, I want the truth...
and nothing but the truth.
After the party was over,
did you or did you not...
wait in the garden
till after Andre had gone?
And didn't you come into the house
in the dark?
And didn't I find you
on the couch?
[Mouths Word]
Yes.
Well?
Sit down!
And then, Adolph, didn't you, with -
with an uncontrollable impulse -
didn't you untie your tie?
- Yes.
- Well?
Sit down!
And then, Adolph - then didn't you
take me in your arms and kiss me?
And didn't we sit on the couch,
and didn't you kiss me again?
And didn't I like it?
- I guess so.
- Answer yes or no!
- Yes.
- Well?
Sit down!
Well, Doctor? We're even.
A tooth for a tooth,
an eye for an eye...
an Adolph for a Mitzi.
Fifty-fifty.
But if I ever catch you aga -
Kiss me, sweetheart.
- You don't mind, do you, Adolph?
- No.
- Ladies -
- And gentlemen -
- If he were your husband -
- And she were your wife -
And you find out
he's a Don Juan -
And you find out
that she has dreams -
- And he confesses -
- And she admits -
- But you like him -
- And you love her-
- And you adore him -
- And you're crazy about her-
What would you do?
That's what I do too.