He begs your pardon.
He's terribly sorry. Look, Steve,
I'm terribly worried about you.
Huh? I've never seen you
take love like this before.
Oh, I've never been in love with
a girl like Cynthia. Oh, Cynthia.
Well, I'm not against marriage
as an institution,
but as a husband
you'll still be a chaser.
Wait'll you meet Cynthia.
Bet you 10-to-1 you fall
out of love as fast as you fell in.
Oh, just... just wait till
you meet Cynthia. I can wait.
If we live that long.
Say, look at all the couples.
Pick out any pair
that looks happy.
Then ask the husband
if he's ever chased.
I can't ask personal questions
of strangers.
Bet you a hundred bucks.
Oh, it's a bet?
Yeah.
Oh, well, let's do it.
Uh, excuse us, but, uh,
we're, um...
Uh, we're taking,
uh, a Gallup poll.
Of marriage.
Oh.
We assume that you're
both happily married.
Oh, divinely.
Yes.
Uh...
Oh. Uh...
Thank you.
They're both happily
married, but, uh,
not to each other.
Now it's my turn.
I beg your pardon. Do you mind
if I ask you a personal question?
No. Uh, happily married, of course.
Of course.
Before you were married, uh,
did you ever chase?
Why, you rat.
Oh, you wanna play, eh?
Please don't do this! He has to
meet Cynthia! Get outta here! Go on!
Oh, no, you don't!
Stop this fighting.
I-I beg your pardon.
I beg...
I never give anything to beggars.
Young man, you have probably
splintered my sacroiliac.
To say nothing of Chi Chi's. I've
been bumping into things all night.
That is no excuse.
When's your birthday?
May 12. But I never
expect presents, really.
May. Two, four, seven.
Well, it's a very fortunate thing
we're strangers. Our numbers clash.
Young man,
you spell trouble for me.
I-I didn't get what you said.
Your vibrations. Your vibrations!
Young man, I hope I shall never have
the pleasure of meeting you again.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Why don't you go away?
New York. Crowded, isn't it? May the 12th!
Please.
Chi Chi doesn't like you either.
That's funny. I usually get along
better with dogs than with anybody...
Odd place to check your hat.
Too bad your head wasn't in it.
Now look here! I don't know
you and you don't know me!
We'll be out of here in a few
minutes, even if I was born on May 12.
Stop playing
with those buttons!
There, now.
You've broken it.
I did nothing of the sort!
Don't tell me! I saw you do it!
You're bad luck to me. This elevator
will be out of order while you're in it!
Is that so? Then there's only
one thing for me to do!
Now what are you doing?
Taking a hint.
You... Oh!
Oh! Oh!
Aah! Help! Help!
Help.! Help.!
Oh, Cynthia.
Steve, what have you done,
taken up street sweeping?
Yes, I...
Oh, I...
Well, it's a nice hobby.
At least it keeps you
out in the open.
Oh, Cynthia.
You like it?
It just came, and I
couldn't wait to try it on.
Oh, Cynthia!
Darling!
Can't you say anything
but "Oh, Cynthia"?
Oh, I forgot. You shouldn't
be seeing me in this.
I never wanna see anything else.
But it's bad luck.
I have to change it.
Oh, say, darling,
what happened to Lucky?
Who?
Lucky. You know, the best man.
Oh, he got delayed a little.
Oh, I see.
Where's your aunt? She went
for a drive, but she'll be back.
There she is. Go and open
the door for her, will you?
Hope to make a hit with her.
You will. She'll love you.
Oh! Cynthia!
Oh, Cynthia!
Oh, Aunt Kitty!
What's the matter?
That... That man.
Yes, that's Steve. You've been wanting
to meet him. This is my Aunt Kitty.
Well, uh... What's the
matter with everybody?
Is that the man you're
going to marry? Well, yes.
What are you staring at?
Has he got two heads?
He knocked me down the
street, he broke the elevator,
he abandoned me between floors
and he was born on May 12.
Is that your idea
of making a good impression?
Oh, I don't feel well.
Oh! Chi Chi!
Now he's sitting on Chi Chi.
Dog murderer!
I didn't even see the mutt!
Why don't you run around
with something your own size?
Cynthia, get my things. I can't
stay in this house another moment!
Oh, now, Aunt Kitty.
Don't get yourself in a snit.
Steve'll go. Couldn't we perhaps
be more reasonable about this?
It's just a silly accident after all.
Get that man
out of this house.
Come on, "that man. "
An exit is indicated.
I've never seen anybody make
a more interesting impression.
Well, that isn't how I feel.
Oh, Cynthia.
What's the matter with her? Why,
nothing, darling. She's just getting on.
You know, when a woman reaches 40... 40?
I'll bet you 50
she'll never see 60 again.
Is that so?
Never attempt to see or communicate
with my niece again.
The marriage is off! Definitely off!
Oh, Aunt Kitty, he didn't mean
that. Aunt Kitty, I didn't mean...
Oh!
Oh, Cynthia.
I-I-It's off.
You bet your life it's off.
Definitely off!
- Striking an officer, eh?
- I assure you, Your Honor, it was an accident.
Does that look
like an accident?
Disgraceful.
How do you plead?
Oh, guilty, of course.
"Of course"? Do you realize you're
in for a fine, and a large one?
Make it as large as you like.
It won't come out of my pocket.
It'll come out of somebody's.
Certainly. The insurance company's.
Hmm.
Queer kind of insurance.
Not at all. My company'll insure
anything from teapots to television.
- Hey, what about the charge here?
- Quiet.
I bet there's one thing
you've never insured.
Bet you my fine there isn't.
What about the black eye?
Order.
I'm running for superior court
in the coming elections.
Could you cover the risk of,
uh, reelection? Reelection?
Confidentially,
what are your chances?
Confidentially, I'm a cinch.
Fine. I'll insure you
for twice your salary.
Just a matter of putting your
autograph on the undotted line.
I never did see such goings-on.
Is this a court or a bargain counter?
Order. Well, thanks very
much for dropping in.
Oh, not at all. You can
mail me the check tomorrow.
Congratulations.
See you in superior court.
Hey, Judge McCracken, you realize what
you've done? You let him go without a fine.
Sentence suspended!
What's your occupation?
Politician.
90 days.
"My... My darling Cynthia,
I could not sleep a wink last night
because of my unfortunate behavior. "
My lovely Cynthia,
due to a series
of unhappy coincidence...
No, that's too stiff.
My dearest girl, is it my
fault you have a loony aunt?
Sounds bad. Say, what
she feed you last night?
Aunt poison.
Oh, Aunt Kitty, eh?
Well, how'd you do?
I didn't do, I went.
I did all right. That reminds me, don't
forget to vote for a Judge McCracken.
Will you shut up? My marriage
is practically on the rocks.
Oh.
Oh, if I could only be sure.
To be sure, insure.
Oh, I'm not interested
in your screwy policies.
That's wonderful.
Oh, that's marvelous!
Why didn't I think of that before?
Think of what?
Love insurance. Love insurance.
Now I know you're crazy.
Do you wanna be sure
you'll marry Cynthia?
What do you think I'm yappin' about?
Take out a policy! Love insurance!
I don't get it. You'd be willing
to lay 10-to-1 on a horse.
A policy is no bet,
and Cynthia is not a horse.
But this policy would be a bet.
I'm willing to lay 10-to-1
on your marriage.
If you marry Cynthia,
you lose the bet and the premium.
If I don't marry Cynthia, no amount
of money will make up for her loss.
I promise you, you'll get the girl,
not the money.
Look, have I ever
lost a bet before?
Did I ever have to
pay off on a policy?
Say, that's right. You
never did, did you? No.
You've always been lucky, Lucky.
Yes.
Gimme something to sign. I
wanna make it legal. All right.
Oh, that's wonderful, Lucky.
Wonderful.
Is Mr. Steve Harper in? Yes. There's
a gentleman with him at the moment.
Well, there'll be a lady with
him before you can say "yehoodi. "
Ouch.
Well, gotta get back to the
office. I hate to let you go, Lucky.
You make me feel so...
so lucky.
Why not? You're practically
a married man.
That's your phone ringing.
It might be Cynthia.
Cynthia! I thought
it was my ears ringing.
Insured!
Hello? Oh, Cynthia!
That's sweet of you, Steve,
but after all, you know,
this isn't Mother's Day.
If you send any more flowers
we'll have to move out.
That's all right. You're welcome.
I'm sorry, Miss Fitzgerald.
Mr. Harper is out.
I'll just come in and wait. I'm
sorry, I cannot allow you to come in.
But please, Miss Fitzgerald!
Oh, darling, you want to play.
Oww! Ooh!
You're just more than welcome.
Oh, I can hardly wait until
this evening. Is that so?
Oh, h-hello, Mickey.
Phoning the big moment?
Oh, no, no, not at all.
I'm just talking to my laundry.
- Oh, well, don't let me interrupt.
- Uh, hello.
Now, wait a minute, darling.
I've got Aunt Kitty all soothed
and ready to talk to you.
Now, just a minute.
Aunt Kitty!
Hello.
That'll be all for today.
That'll take care of...
Look...
Aunt Kitty is perfectly
reconciled to our being married...
and she'll soon love you
just as much as I do.
No, no, please... Uh...
I don't think today I'll have time
to go over the list with you.
Look, th-this thing can't...
This thing can't
go on forever, you know.
Everything I've been sending out
hasn't been coming back.
Yeah... Look...
Uh, fully five pairs
of socks are missing,
a dozen handkerchiefs,
three towels.
Five, three,12.
What are you counting for?
The man you're engaged to is a May 12
lunatic, and a dangerous one at that!
Scum!
Hello? Hello?
Sorta hung up.
Funny people, those laundries.
She has a very pretty voice, your
laundry. Yes, she has... How do you know?
A man who leads a double life
shouldn't have two telephones.
Mickey, I got a lot
of things to do today.
Listen. I'm not leading
a double life anymore.
It's double only in that from Saturday on
I won't be single. I'll be double.
I mean, I'm gonna get married!
Poor Stevie. Always the dreamer.
You will not be married
on Saturday, because I love you.
And I'm going to keep on loving you
until I don't love you any longer.
If you marry anybody, it'll be me,
because if you don't marry me...
you'll have too many broken legs
to marry anybody else.
So you can get your laundry back on
the phone and tell her she's all washed up.
Hello, Dad.
Hello, Son.
Hello, Doc. I sold so many
policies, I finally convinced myself.
Look at that.
That'll step up your liver.
There's nothing the matter with
your father's liver. You pass 100%.
Good.
Whew! $100,000!
There's nothing like having
a go-getter for a son, eh, Doctor?
That's right, Mr. Moore.
What kind of a policy is it?
Love insurance.
Life insurance.
That's good. Congratulations.
Not life insurance. This is
something new. Love insurance.
Yeah... Uh... Love? Love?
- Did you... Did you say "love"? L-O-V-E?
- That's right.
Love insurance?
Did you ever hear such stupidity,
such imbecility,
such idiocy, such blithering...
Love insurance? Love is a
beautiful thing, Mr. Moore.
Well, I can't accept you
as an authority.
- How much is the policy for?
- Oh, uh, just a million.
Just a million? Mr. Moore, I
can hear your arteries hardening.
What are you trying
to do to me, Jim, break me?
Why, it's lunacy, insanity.
I can't stand it. It's plain suicide. Dad.
No firm would take this policy.
But, Dad, we already have.
It's all signed.
There's practically no risk.
No risk!
Sorry, Mr. Moore.
Your blood pressure's way up.
We won't be able
to pass you for a policy.
Thanks to you and your blasted
love insurance!
Get out of here!
Take it with you...
to a bank, to a pawn shop.
Hock it. Underwrite it.
Pick yourself another victim.
I can't take all of it,
but if I come in for half,
that'd kinda make me partners with your
old man, huh? Sure you'd be partners.
That's great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what is this?
Don't bother me for a while.
Yes, sir.
Might surprise folks who think all I can do is
run a joint like this if I went in for insurance.
Roscoe, you'd bowl 'em over.
Is this okay, boss?
What do ya got?
I don't know. Look, look.
Let me alone, will ya?
Another drink, Mr. Roscoe?
If I want a drink, I'll call
you. Let me alone! Yes, sir.
Kinda crazy to risk a million
on Steve Harper gettin' hitched.
He's got it bad this time. I've invited
him here for you to look him over.
Okay, that's great.
I'll scrutinize him personally.
And if I'm sold, what do I do?
Sign a piece of paper.
I mean... Hey.
Now what's the matter?
Why, it's gone. My wallet!
Yeah?
Say, on the way in, did you pass
a tall guy in a dinner coat? Yeah.
And standin' there with him, was
there a short, stout guy? Yeah.
That's what I thought. It's about
time you met up with the boys. Oh.
Come on, Costello.!
Okay, Abbott.!
Get away from there.! Costello,
what's the matter with you?
Why did you do that?
Oh, I'm a bad boy.!
Go away. You've done enough
damage for one day. I wanna play.
How much you wanna bet?
Ten dollars.
It's a bet. Ten dollars to you. Okay.
That's the idea. I never knew
you gambled. Some over here.
Wait. What are you doing?
I was makin' change.
I'll make the change. Keep the
money down there. Ten more to you.
Look, don't steal it.
Win it honestly.
Put it down. No, put it
there and leave it there.
That's the i...
Gimme that bill.
Put it in my hand
and leave it there.
What are you doing?
I wanna play.
You got any more money?
Yeah, I got a lot of money.
Let me see it. Well!
Hundred dollar bills!
Get a load of that! Hundred dollar
bills. Five hundred dollar bills.
Another hundred.
They're all hundreds.
What was that?
Somebody put a buck in here.
Oh, behave yourself.
I bet $ 10.
Ten dollars? Why, certainly.
I had a ten a minute ago.
Have you got two tens for a five? Yeah.
There we are.
Now, there's your ten.
- Come on, come on!
- What's the matter? Something wrong?
Fifteen dollars went south!
What do you mean?
You say "You got two tens for a five?"
and I give it to ya.
Oh, you did? Wise guy. Okay, here's
your five. Give me back my two tens.
That's better.
Now get out of here.
Ten more to you. That's the
idea. How about you, friend?
Hiya, boss.
Here's two tens.
Gimme a five.
You did it to me...
And he did it to me too. Oh,
certainly. What are you doing?
Whatever I'm doing,
I'm doing wrong.
I'll straighten you out.
I'll bet you $200. Okay.
Now, take a number. Any
number from one to ten. Four.
Nope. Number five. But you
were close. You're getting hot.
Wanna make a wager, boss?
Why not?
The bankroll.
The whole works.
Now you take a number. Any
number from one to ten. Seven.
Oh, please. Boss, I'll
bet you $500. Uh-huh.
Take a number from one to ten. Seven.
Nope. Eight.
I had eight.
You weren't even playin'. Cut out this
nonsense and give him back his stuff.
You heard the boss.
Give the man back his stuff.
Is it in there?
Yes, this is it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This is my wallet!
I was minding it for ya.
Minding it. Now listen,
you ten-cent thief, no more stealin'.
We've gone legitimate. You
heard the boss. No more stealing.
We've gone legitimate.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing
with my wallet in there?
What's the idea?
Why do you do things like this?
Oh, I'm a bad boy.
If you have Aunt Kitty all soothed,
why didn't she come?
Oh, the address here added up
to something fatal. Oh, really?
The boss wants to see you.
All right with you?
Of course. IfJim comes along, be very nice.
You'll know him by his long, gray
beard. How does he wear it, braided?
What does Roscoe want to see
me about? Mmm-mmm-mmm! Love.
Your lipstick, mademoiselle.
Oh, thank you, captain.
And would you get me a very dry
martini, please? Oh, certainly.
A very dry martini, please.
And no olive.
And no olive.
Uh, it's not that I'm snobbish or
anything, but mightn't you get fired?
I don't think so.
I'm invaluable here.
Oh, well, it's nice
to be appreciated.
They know a good man when they
see one. Do they know a fresh one?
Oh, everything's fresh here.
Even the service. Oh, you've met.!
Isn't she wonderful, Jim? Jim?
Why, I thought he was a waiter.
I thought she was a knockout.
This is an occasion
to celebrate.
Best friend meets girl.
Did I do justice to both of you?
Well, um, he's taller.
She's prettier.
Very happy to have met you.
Very happy to have met you.
From Mr. Roscoe.
Thank you.
Bad news?
Oh, no. Just a little business.
Well, here's to Saturday.
Saturday.
What's the trouble, Steve?
Oh, nothing.
Pardon me, please.
What's the matter with him?
Uh, nothing, nothing.
About your Aunt Kitty, what did she say
the number of this place added up to?
Hmm?
Uh, I don't like the look in your eye.
Too bad. We'll see how Steve likes it.
You better be quiet or I'll have the flying
squad bounce you right out on your ear.
Okay, you win.
You don't mind if I just speak
to the bandleader.
He's a friend of mine.
No, but just for a minute.
Thanks, Jim.
I won't forget this.
Uh, just collected a bet
on the bounce.
On the bounce is right.
We have a surprise for you.
A well-known and popular star
has volunteered...
to sing one of her numbers for us...
Miss Mickey Fitzgerald.
Remind me
Not to find you so attractive
Remind me
That the world is full of men
When I start to miss you
To touch your hand
To kiss you
Remind me
To count to ten
I had a feeling when I met you
You'd drive me crazy
if I'd let you
But all my efforts
To forget you
Remind me I'm in love
Again
I get my heart well in hand
And I'm certain
Shoe. Shoe's untied. That
I must take you or leave you
Alone
But you begin
Friend of yours? Mine?
Why, I thought you knew her.
- I never saw her before in all my life.
- Oh, no, mine.
I have a will
made of steel, my friend
But when it seems about to bend
Remind me
Not to find you so attractive
Remind me
That the world is full of men
When I start to miss you
To touch your hand
To kiss you
Remind me to count to ten
I had a feeling when I met you
You'd drive me crazy
if I'd let you
But all my efforts
To forget you
Remind me I'm in love
Again
Great, isn't she?
I think she's coming over
to talk to... you, Lucky.
Pardon me.
He's uh, restless, isn't he?
Who?
Him.
Oh, yes, he... He is... He...
You know,
I just love your singing.
I can scream like a wounded buffalo
too. Your public would be shocked.
Listen. I love him, and she's not going to marry
him because I'm going to over your dead body!
Shh. I'll show you how loud I can
yell! If you think you can get...
Lucky, Cynthia's sore!
I'll take care of Cynthia. Duck!
No, duck!
Oh.
Got a nickel?
Oh, uh, hello. What goes on
around here, red ants or something?
Oh, just some natural interruptions.
Nothing important, really.
I know, but where's... Steve.
Thank you for
a very lovely evening.
I have to go home now and instruct the
telephone company to disconnect my phone.
I know, but Steve...
Kick him good-bye for me.
What is this, the Lincoln Highway?
Quiet. Hey, hey. Wait a minute.
What goes on here? Oh, it's just
a temporary setback, that's all.
If anything goes wrong
with that marriage,
what'll happen to you
will be kinda bad.
And it won't be temporary.
Yes, sir.
And it won't be temporary with you boys
if you let that guy outta your sight.
You got a new job now.
You're frontin' for Cupid.
Mmm. Cupid.
What are you laughing at?
You heard the boss.
And stop smoking. No
smoking. Who's smokin'?
You are.
What makes you think I'm smoking?
You have a cigar in your mouth. I
got my shoes on, but I'm not walkin'.
Oh, come on!
Steve! What do you know
about carbon monoxide?
You won't need it. We're
leaving for San Marcos at 4:00.
What's San Marcos?
The Tropics. South America.
We have to catch a boat this
afternoon! Hurry! Come on!
Well, why?
You dope! She's going!
Who, Cynthia?
Yes!
She won't talk to me. She hates me.
She'll never forgive me after last night.
She's got to.
You'll get around her on the boat.
How can we get around anybody?
We haven't any tickets, have we?
Don't argue. I'll get them.
I'll get packed and see the old man.
Pack a pier and I'll meet you
at the bag at 3:00!
I mean... I'll meet you at 3:00!
Uh, Thompson! Now, don't get excited! Yes?
Get a bag and
pack the pier at 3:00...
We're sailing at 4:00! Hurry up! Yes.!
Oh, Cynthia, I love you!
Cupid.
Stupid!
Come on. The stairs!
Mr. Harper is out.
Quite sure of that? Well,
I-I... I mean he's almost out.
He's leaving town this
afternoon. We'll see.
Mickey!
Steve.!
Steve? Don't be
frightened, dear.
I just came to say good-bye, because
I... I'm going out of your life forever.
Oh, well, I hope you have
a pleasant trip.
I see you're leaving town, eh?
Yes.
I'm in an awful hurry, Mickey.
You know, Stevie, darling.
Even if we are parting, I'll
always worry about you. Thanks.
I wouldn't want you
to catch cold,
so promise you'll take
your warm overcoat.
It's very hot down there. I won't
need it. The nights are chilly.
In San Marcos?
No.
Well, I guess you go your way
and I go my way.
Yes. I go your way and you go...
I go.
How's about a farewell snort?
The boat sails in an hour.
It'll have to be just one.
Oh, just one, Stevie-weevie.
All right.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry I have to leave so soon.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Five minutes of 4:00.
Where is that guy?
Maybe he's over
at my hotel suit.
Costello!
Not your suit, your suite.
You're cute too, Abbott.
I like you.
Stop it! There's no time for that!
I can't even get him on the phone.
You go to the taxi stand and wait there.
You go to the hotel and see if he's left yet.
Get goin'!
All right, all right!
Come here! Where are
you going? Over this way!
It's a low grounder.
Ball game!
There's the throw.
Dizzy Dean is safe at first base.
Dizzy Dean on first base!
You like ball games?
I love 'em.
Come here.
Don't say a word to Roscoe.
I have a ball team. You have?
Sure. They give ballplayers nowadays
very peculiar names. Funny names?
- Nicknames. Like Dizzy Dean, Daffy Dean.
- His brother Daffy.
What's the fellas' names? Let's see.
Who's on first, What's on second,
I Don't Know's on third.
That's what I wanna find out.
I'm saying Who's on first, What's
on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Are you the manager? You know
the fellas' names? Well, I should.
Who's on first?
Yes.
I mean the fella's name. The first
baseman. Who. Who is on first.
That's what I wanna find out.
That's what I'm telling you.
You got a first baseman?
Who's playin' there? Certainly.
Yes. Who. I mean the
fella's name. On first base.
That's the man's name.
That's whose name?
Yes. Have you got a contract
with the first baseman?
Naturally.
Who signed the contract?
You wouldn't expect anybody
else to sign it. But who?
Yes.
When you pay off the first
baseman, who gets the money?
Every dollar of it. Yes.
He does? Every buck.
Every buck.
He gets every buck.
Mm-hmm.
All I'm tryin' to find out is what
is the fella's name on first base.
Now, wait.
What is on second base.
I'm not askin' who's on
second. Who is on first.
I don't know.
He's on third.
How did I get on third base?
You mentioned his name.
I mentioned his name? If I mentioned the
third baseman's name, who did I say's on third?
Oh, no. Who's on first!
Never mind first!
I wanna know what's the fella's
name on third. But What's on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first.
I don't know.
He's on third.
There I go, back on third
again. I can't help that.
Let's stay on third,
don't go off it.
What is it you wanna know?
Who is playing third base?
Why do you insist on putting
Who on third base?
Who am I putting on third?
Yes, but we don't want him there.
You don't want who there?
No.
So what's the guy's name belongs
there? What belongs on second.
Who belongs on second?
Who is on first.
I don't know.
Third base.
Third base? Now I'm back on
third base. I can't help that.
You got a pitcher?
Naturally.
What's the pitcher's name?
No, What is on second.
Who's on second?
Who's on first!
I don't know!
Third base!
I'm a catcher too, you know. What about it?
I'll catch on your team.
The heavy hitter gets up. So?
He bunts the ball. Me, being a good
catcher, I wanna throw the ball to first.
So I throw it to who? Now, that's
the first thing you've said right!
That's the first thing
I said right.
I don't even know
what I'm talkin' about!
Mm-mmm!
When I pick up the ball,
I throw it to first, who gets it?
Right, right.
Absolutely right.
If you throw to first,
Who is bound to get it.
I don't know!
Third base!
What time is it?
Oh, it's about half past 2:00.
Half past...
I really ought to be going. It's
wonderful how you hold your drinks.
Oh, liquor never affects me.
Hey! Who do you think you are,
Humphrey Bogart?
Oh! Humphrey Bogart!
Can I have your autograph?
Quiet! That's the boss!
Quiet, mug!
I'll ship this case of scotch to
San Marcos. Get her outta here.
I go where I like when I like.
Get her outta town.
Where to, boss? Kansas City.
A nice, dry, cool place.
You heard what the boss said. Come on. Hey.
I will punch you
right in the nose.
You gonna punch me right
in the nose? That's right.
Not around it? Right in it? No. Yes.
A tough kid.
Toughie!
Feel that. Not there. Here. Oh.
Feel that. Go ahead.
- That's enough. Let go!
- All right, all right.
- Come on, come on. Get her out of town.
- Okay, boss.
Get out of the way. You heard
the boss. Hey, you let go of me.
Come on, outta here! Get
outta here! I won't go!
Open the door.
I can't. I got my hands full.
Ah, you!
Come on, out!
No soap, sir.
The lady refuses to see you.
She says she'll remain in her cabin
as long as you're onboard.
What does she want me to do,
jump overboard?
She made some
such suggestion, sir.
I'll wait here.
I sent another note in with her tea.
If you glance in, sir, you'll
see your efforts are hopeless.
That's her cabin there?
Yes, sir.
Why didn't you tell me before?
You didn't ask me, sir.
That's fine, steward,
but you forgot the salted almonds.
Sorry, madam. I'll bring them. Oh, steward,
and will you tell Mr. Moore to climb a tree?
Yes, ma'am.
- "You and Your Kiss"?
- What?
I mean, can you play it?
Oh, sure.
Good.
Thanks.
"You and Your Kiss. "
Sorry, sir, but the young lady said
to... Go climb a tree. Thank you.
In all my lonely life
I never guessed
That I'd be blessed
with one like you
My poor unworthy heart
Is so impressed
It's too enormous
To be true
Stronger than the ocean
You and your kiss
Splendid as the sun at noon
Uh, seaman's fund.
Tender as a love song
You and your kiss
Just imagine
One poor me
With such a luxury
What can I exchange for
You and your kiss
Just a heart
And nothing more
In my most fantastic dream
I stood here
Like this
Waiting for
You
And your kiss
Well, that's one way
to get a lady out in the open.
I meant every word of it.
Speaking for Steve, of course.
If you're speaking for Steve, you
can talk to yourself. Cynthia, please.
You made a terrible mistake last night.
You mean, I saw a terrible mistake.
You certainly did. Mickey isn't
Steve's girlfriend. She's mine.
Oh, does that make her
community property?
Uh, the phone booth?
Mm-hmm.
Well, you see, Mickey
has a very peculiar drawback.
She's even been to doctors about it.
Whenever she gets near a man,
she simply has to kiss him.
She must be nice to go around
with. She's a terrible problem.
- Practically, uh, psychopathic.
- Practically polygamous.
Well, why do you bother
with a girl like that?
I sometimes wonder myself.
So you see,
Steve is an innocent victim.
I still don't see why he
didn't tell me himself.
Well, there seemed to be
something wrong with your phone.
It had off-the-hook trouble.
So you won't let a silly misunderstanding
like that interfere with your marriage?
You seem to feel
very strongly about it.
Oh, I do. You and Steve were
simply made for each other.
So you will forgive him,
won't you?
All right, John Alden, you win. Mr. Moore.!
Mr. Moore!
Radiogram, sir.
Thank you.
Um, excuse me, please.
Oh, yes, you go right ahead.
Bad news?
Oh, no, good news.
Uh... Uh...
Steve is flying down to San
Marcos. Wonderful! Let me see!
Oh, it slipped
out of my fingers.
Come, Chi Chi.! Come to Mama.!
Come, Chi Chi. Come to Mama.
Aw, that's a good boy.
Chi Chi!
Chi Chi! Chi Chi, oh!
You saved him!
Young man, you're a hero.
You are a hero.
Why, I wouldn't lose Chi Chi for
a million dollars! A million...
Now, there's a man.
What's his name? Jim Moore.
Jim Moore.
I knew it. He loves dogs
and he adds up to eight.
If you must marry somebody,
why don't you marry an eight man?
Oh! You forget.
I'm engaged to marry Steve.
And you forget you hate Steve. That's why
we're going to San Marcos. Oh, no, darling.
We're going to San Marcos
so I can marry Steve on Saturday.
Your nuts, madam.
I certainly am.
Greetings on your beloved return
to our pleasure domes.
Here in San Marcos,
our chief industry is love...
and our chief export is happiness.
Senor Escobar, still the same
cute old horse thief.
More and more,
I feel that this ain't Kansas City.
You shouldn't have let her buy the
tickets. Don't be so suspicious.
I just took the longest way around so
I could spend more time with you angels.
Be good boys and tell me a
joke. I don't know any jokes.
I know one.
You know what?
I wrote it myself.
Behave yourself.
Brand-new story. Nobody ever heard it
before. You wrote it? And it's brand new?
Yeah. She'll like it. You'll get
a kick out of it. Is it funny?
Yeah. The only thing is, I tell
it by myself. Brand-new joke.
It's all about a whale,
a ship and Jonah.
It's funny.
Don't worry, she'll laugh.
- Once upon a time there was a whale...
- What kind of a whale?
A plain, everyday whale.
How do I know what kind?
What do you think, I hang around with 'em,
belong to a whale gang? All right. Shh.
A whale, that's all. The father
to the sardine. Yes, all right.
Now, the whale was in the ocean...
What ocean? What ocean?
An ocean. A plain,
everyday ocean! An ocean.
Pick out an ocean. What do I
care? That's immaterial to me.
Okay, the Immaterial Ocean.
Oh, what kind of a story is this?
The whale was in the ocean,
mindin' his own business,
but he was followin' a ship...
What ship?
A ship that swims in the water.
- You mean a swim ship?
- Yeah. Now, the whale was followin' the swim ship...
Who ever heard of a swim ship? I
don't know. You're telling the story.
Let me tell the story!
Stop interruptin' me!
Keep your mouth shut.
Go ahead.
Now, the ship was following
the whale... The what?
Now I got the ship followin' the
whale. The whale was following the ship.
The whale was following the ship
because he was hungry. Naturally.
Captain Jonah
was captain of the boat.
He don't want the whale
to capsize the boat,
so he threw the whale over a barrel
of apples. What kind of apples?
Irksome, isn't he?
What kind of apples?
Apples that grow on a tree.
Well, there's all kinds of apples.
There's Baldwin apples,
frost apples... Crab apples!
All right.
Excuse me.
He threw over the crab apples, and the whale was
still hungry, so the captain threw him over a stool.
What kind of stool?
Who said that?
I did, in case you asked. Three-legged
camp stool, it was, precisely speaking.
After he did that,
the whale was still hungry.
Then Jonah figured the only way I
can save the boat and my passengers...
is to sacrifice myself,
and he did.
He threw a beautiful jackknife dive
right into the mouth of the whale.
The whale ate Captain Jonah, the apples
and the stool, and then the whale swam away.
How much more of this story
have you got to tell?
Just another second!
What do you keep interruptin' me for?
Go ahead.
Aw, biffle diffle!
Hear. Hear. Hear.
Now you made me say a bad word.
Please. It's all right.
Go ahead. I'm sorry.
Three years later,
they caught that same whale,
they cut him open,
and what do you think they found?
Now you get ready to laugh. Wait a
minute. Just one more interruption.
You're not trying to insult this
little girl's intelligence...
by getting away with that old story
about the time they caught the whale,
cut him open and found Jonah
seated on that stool...
selling apples
three for a nickel, are you?
That's not the...
No, it couldn't be
that story.
I mean, every little schoolboy
knows that story.
But you tell us. What do they
find when they cut the whale open?
Come on. What do they
find when they cut the...
Don't laugh. I enjoy
a hearty laugh as well as you do,
and if it's funny, we'll
both enjoy a hearty laugh.
Senorita, there's no danger
in bullfighting.
But there is in watching the glance
from a lovely woman's eyes.
Oh, that's a very
gallant remark, senor.
What can a man say with
so much beauty before him?
Hmph.
Isn't Rudolfo wonderful?
Just wait till you see him in his
cute little toreador suit. I can wait.
Uh, my car... I should say,
our car, is here, senorita.
What do you mean, "our car?" I, Rudolfo,
am showing the town to the senorita.
And I, Cynthia Merrick,
am looking forward to it.
And I, Kitty Marblehead,
shall take Chi Chi down to the briny.
Don't you think you should
take a bullfighter along?
A bull... Uh... Oh, yes! Yes, of
course. And he only adds to seven.
Won't you come with us, Rudolfo?
But I, Rudolfo, cannot swim.
That's what would make
it interesting. But...
Isn'tJim
a simply charming fellow?
All I can say, senora,
is I wish he were a bull.
That looked likeJim
with that Merrick dame.
It sure did. Nonsense. It's
only the sun in your eyes.
Is that what it is? Sure. Come
on, boys. Come on. Get out.
Ah, greetings to our...
Thank you very much.
I'm looking for a man
called Steve Harper.
Greetings to our pleasure domes...
That's enough. Has he arrived?
Very soon. He's to be married
on Saturday. Not while I'm here.
Ah, greetings to our pleasure
domes. Thank you. I'm in a hurry.
But you've just arrived and
you must be greeted, no? No!
Why, I'm awfully sorry.
May 12 again.
Ha...
Back in my shell
Like a respectable clam
No more love
No more grief
Back in my shell
We two is partin', madam
No more love
Just relief
We've seen the town
We had a stylish romance
You'd tear me down
But you ain't gettin' the chance
My rockin' chair is callin' me
Socially, honey
I'm through
Howdy do
And farewell
Because I'm crawlin' back
In my shell
No sense in grievin'
We had an even break
All along
Don't crave no Swanee
Frankie and Johnny
Downhearted song
about me doin' you wrong
Back in my shell
My evenin' paper in hand
I'll just sit
And expand
I'll give you air
As of tonight you is free
I'll give you air
Before you give it to me
A happy man I'm gonna be
Socially, baby
I'm through
Howdy do
And farewell
Because I'm crawlin'back
In my shell
Now what kind of song is that
to sing to a lady in the moonlight?
The only safe kind.
Safe, huh?
Well, good night.
Oh, where are you going?
I don't know. Rudolfo said
something about a rumba lesson.
Rudolfo! He's got a grin on him
like that alligator.
I'll bet he's a wow
under the tropic moon.
Anybody'd be a wow
under a moon like that.
Well, good night.
Uh... Uh...
Well, it was fun, wasn't it?
I mean, shopping
and the native quarter and...
They didn't give us
a bad night for dessert.
No, it is lovely, isn't it?
And so are you.
Oh.
Why did you say "Oh" like that?
I-I-I don't know.
I didn't say "Oh"
any particular way.
I... just said, "Oh. "
Oh.
Well, good night, Jim.
Cynthia, I'm...
Lucky? Lucky.!
Oh, there you are!
I've been combing
the whole town for you two.
Oh, don't you look
wonderful, darling. So do you.
I mean, did you have a
nice trip? Oh, fine. Fine.
What's that? What?
Uh, fine.
You must forgive me
for something. For what?
For thinking that awful, psychopathic
phone booth girl was yours.
How's that again? I explained to
Cynthia Mickey was a friend of mine.
That's awfully nice of you,
Luck... I... Nice of him?
Uh, it takes a pal to be a pal.
If he made you believe... If he got you
to forgive me, then I ought to be grateful.
Wouldn't anything... uh, body?
What are you doing that
at the hotel for?
I didn't see anybody doing that
to the hotel.
Well, if somebody wasn't doing
that to the hotel, then I'm crazy.
I think I'll leave Romeo alone with
his Juliet. I've gotta talk to you!
You mean, you came a thousand
miles just to talk to him?
Yes.
Well, it's a fine friendship.
What's the matter with her?
As a bridegroom, you are
as inspiring as a cold doughnut.
I wanted to get you alone.
Mickey is here in the hotel.
Mickey's here?
Yes!
What are we gonna do
if she gets to Cynthia?
Mickey. Mickey! Mickey!
What are you looking
so pleased about?
Steve, I think that girl's in
love with you. Who, Cynthia?
No, Mickey! Why, to follow
you here! What devotion!
Who, Cynthia's?
No. Mickey.
You know, you're headed for the biggest
mistake in your life. With Mickey?
No, Cynthia. Must be the
change in climate, I...
Excuse me, Senor Moore. A telegram
have arrived for you. Open it, please.
You want me to read it?
Yes, go ahead.
Is from the papa again. "For love
of heaven, see that knot is tied.
"Firm won't survive paying off.
I won't survive Roscoe. Counting
on you to save me. Signed, Dad. "
Very pretty,
your father wires, eh?
Cynthia, Jim. Cynthia,
Mickey. Mickey, Mickey.
Mickey, Cynthia. Jim, you've
got me all confused just now.
You're confused? I'm all mixed
up between Mickey and Cynthia.
How could you get mixed up?
She's the most beautiful girl in the world.
Mickey. No, Cynthia. And what
a disposition. It's lovely.
Mickey? No, Cynthia. You'd
be making a terrible mistake.
With Cynthia?
No! Mickey!
I guess I need a good night's sleep.
Mickey. Cynthia. I don't know.
If onlyJim and Steve
weren't such good friends.
If only I'd never met either one of
them. Well, there's always Rudolfo.
Without the "F," of course.
Isn't that so, Chi Chi?
May I come in?
Well,
there's a rumor that you are in,
but there's a way around that.
Won't you sit down?
Help yourself.
Thank you.
Well, now I understand
the thumb-waving.
Do you remember me? I... Oh,
yes, I remember you very well.
The last time I saw you, you were
wearing a very becoming telephone booth.
Trimmed with Steve.
Oh, my little Stevie!
You... You mean,
your little Lucky, don't you?
I mean, you'reJim's girl.
Oh, no. Steve's.
You wouldn't, by any chance,
be sleepwalking, would you?
Oh, no, I just dreamed myself
across this balcony...
just to show you this.
You see, Jim has insured your marriage
to Steve for a million dollars.
Oh, no, that's impossible. He...
But true. I hooked it
from Stevie myself, in person.
So you see, Jim's out a million
dollars if you don't marry Stevie.
Kind of a dirty trick
to play on a lady, huh?
The neatest trick of the week.
Oh, but they're not
gonna get away with it.
Not with little Cynthia,
they're not.
I'll get even with those two
if it's the last thing I ever do.
- Are you with me?
- So long as I get Stevie.
You can have both of them on a
platter garnished with parsley.
- What are you gonna do?
- Give them a dose of their own love insurance.
Don't have to wear out the carpet,
Lucky. What are we gonna do?
Get rid of her.
Send her back to New York.
Who, Cynthia?
No! Mickey!
You don't have to yell at me!
- Hello?
- Hello, darling. I was just thinking about you.
Hello, darling!
Cynthia.
About the bullfight, I was wondering
if you'd get an extra ticket.
It's for a perfectly darling girl who
just dropped in for a chat with me.
You know, she's that sweet little
friend ofJim's, Mickey Fitzgerald.
Mickey?
You're talking to Cynthia,
you dope!
So is Mickey. She's in
Cynthia's room! What?
Oh, yes, he'll be
more than delighted.
She's invited her
to the bullfights.
All right, darling.
Good night. Pleasant dreams.
And I hope you choke.
What are we gonna do now,
Lucky? Oh, we're ruined.
And don't call me Lucky!
Everything's okay, boys. Yeah.
We got Mickey locked in her room.
- You have, eh?
She's in Cynthia's room!
That's enough.
A fine mess you got us in.
You're fired. Go ahead. All right,
then, I'm fired. I quit. Gimme my money.
What money? The money you
owe me for my services.
Don't get excited.
I'm supposed to get a dollar a day.
I work for you one year.
That's 365 days, equals $365.
Gimme that $365 and I'll get
out, I'll abdicate. Not so fast.
How many hours a day did you work? Eight.
And how many hours
are there in a day?
Don't try to put anything over
on me, Abbott. What do you mean?
There's 24 hours in a day,
all but February, which has 28.
That's right. 24 hours in a day. And
you only worked eight hours a day?
Then you only worked
a third of each day.
Now, a third of 365 is
approximately $121.
So you actually only have
$121 coming to you. Yeah.
121 dollars?
That's right.
Well, give me the 121.
Eh, but...
You didn't work Sundays, did you? No.
There's 52 Sundays in a year.
So we'll deduct 52 from 121.
Leaving, uh, $69 coming to
you. Well, give me the $69.
Uh, but...
What's with the "but"?
Wait a minute. You only
worked half a day on Saturday.
Am I right?
Here it comes.
You only worked half a day
on Saturday. Just half a day.
There's 52 Saturdays in a year.
Now, half of 52 is 26.
So, we'll deduct 26 from 69.
Uh, leaving $43
coming to you.
You sure of that?
I'm positive.
I don't want you to cheat yourself. That's mighty
thoughtful of you to look out for my interests.
I might as well look out for yours.
You already killed mine.
So gimme the $43.
But...
You took a vacation, didn't you?
Yeah. Two weeks.
Two weeks.
That's fourteen days.
A dollar a day, that's $14.
So, we'll deduct 14 from 43,
leaving, uh, the sum
of $29 coming to you.
"The sum of. "
If I get some of it, I'll be lucky.
Gimme the $29.
But!
Now I know it as good as you do.
Wait a minute. Don't get excited.
You took time out
for lunch, didn't you?
Oh, no, Abbott, not that.
Please don't take that away from me.
One little hour a day, that's
all I took. One hour a day?
I didn't eat much.
Now, wait a minute.
One little bitty hour, that big.
That's right. That's right.
One hour a day, 365 days...
That's 365 hours.
That comes to about 15 days,
I take it.
You might as well take it.
You been takin' everything else!
So...
15 from 29 is 14, but...
Now I know it
better than you do!
Wait a minute.
I'm glad I thought of this.
Do you know there's 13 holidays you
didn't work? This is gonna cost plenty too.
Wait a minute. You didn't
work those 13 days. No.
You had $14 coming?
So we'll deduct 13 from 14,
leaving the exact sum
of one dollar coming to you.
How do you like that?
I'm supposed to get $365.
and I wind up with a buck!
Oh, gracias, senor.
Sure.
Wait!
This is a fine time
to take a nap.
Ah, now we have Rudolfo.
And now we have
the sport of ex-kings.
And if anybody faints,
we have ex-nurses.
But Aunt Kitty,
nobody's going to faint.
We're all having too much
fun, aren't we, Steve, darling?
Oh, yes, it's a riot.
Oh, Mickey, why don't you put
your head on Jim's shoulder?
I'm sure you
can see much better.
Oh, no, she doesn't want to
put her head on my shoulder.
Oh, yes, I do. Oh, now, Lucky,
don't be shy with Mickey and me.
We both understand all about
love, don't we, Mickey? And how.
Oh, Lucky, what a wonderful
shoulder you have.
I can't see if she's
gonna sit like... I've...
Why, Steve, I believe
you're actually jealous.
Isn't it wonderful what these
two boys will do for each other?
Isn't it a wonderful friendship?
Aw, where's the bull? Why, darling,
there's plenty of it around here.
Don't you think so?
Oh, don't move your shoulder, Lucky.
Oh, it's so heavenly.
Oh, there he is!
Aw, isn't he cute
in his darling little suit?
Who, the bull?
It's for the senorita!
Oh, no, no.!
Mustn't do that.!
That means he's dedicating
the bull to Cynthia.
Uh, doesn't it, Senor Escobar?
But of a certainty.
It is almost a declaration oflove. Ah.
Well, I'm glad there's
nothing personal about it.
Hasn't he the most beautiful legs
you've ever seen?
- Who, the bull?
- Oh, there is a man.
Now look here, Mickey... Uh,
that's Cynthia. Mickey's here.
Yes, you boys are
a little confused, I'm afraid.
But there's one thing
I'm certain of...
Rudolfo is divine.
Oh, I don't know. I thinkJim has a
cuter nose. Do you? Let me see, Jim.
Come on, Lucky. Show Cynthia
your nose. Yes, come on.
Stop it, will ya? Why
should he show you his nose?
Isn't it sweet, the way
they stick together?
Oh, what a pretty bull.
Ol.!
Oh, it's so exciting.
You know, Steve,
it's so much fun being engaged,
I don't think we'll get
married tomorrow.
Why not?
I think you'd be much happier if you waited
till you got to New York for the wedding.
Yes. Why are you so interested
in when we get married?
Why, Stevie, you know I've always
been interested in when we get married.
Oh! Did nobody
feel a drop of rain?
A drop? It's a deluge!
It's pouring, Senor Escobar.
Now, wait a minute, Abbott. If I'm gonna stay
and watch over a girl, I want my old job back.
All right, but not for
the same money. Okay.
What money?
- Hey, Abbott! The Good Humor man!
- No, no, tamales. Hot dogs.
And those ench... those ench...
The what?
They're good!
Hot dogs! Hey, come here!
Come here. What's the
matter with you? Here you go.
Hot dog.
Give me a hot dog too.
What time's the floor show
start here? Quiet, please!
No floor show, huh?
No floor show.
Oh, thanks a lot, yeah.
Here, you are. There, old boy.
No, I don't eat mustard.
Mustard goes with a hot dog.
Not with mine. I eat it plain.
Mustard was made for the hot dog!
I don't care what it's made for. I don't
like it. Oh, well, that's different.
Do I have to eat something I
don't like? No, I didn't know that.
I don't wanna eat something
that's gonna make me sick.
Well, I didn't know that!
Mustard makes me sick!
I'm a happy kid. I got a lot
to live for. I know that, Lou.
I don't want to walk
around the streets sick.
If I walk around the streets sick
and I can't get a job,
what happens to my wife and kids?
What do you mean?
I got a wife and two children.
What about it?
My kids wind up in the orphan
asylum. Aw, behave yourself.
You're a fine guy, sendin' my kids to an
orphan asylum. Who's sending who where?
What did my kids ever do to you?
Nothing.
What right you got to put 'em away
in the orphan asylum?
I'm able to support them children.
You got no right to put 'em away.
Don't get excited. Come on. Get
my kids out of the orphan asylum!
Now, wait a minute! What
started all this? Mustard.
It's there if you want it. Well, you
can take it away. I don't want it!
What I'm trying to convey to you is that
the hot dog and the mustard go together.
Let 'em go together!
I don't want to spoil any romance!
Aw, talk sense.
I don't like it.
So you don't like it.
I like "Worcestershiresheer" sauce.
You what?
"Worcestershiresheer" sauce.
"Worcestershiresheershire
shauce?" You can't even say it.
But you don't like mustard?
No, I don't.
Give me a reason. Who are you
that you shouldn't like mustard?
What are you, some big shot?
Too big a guy to like mustard?
What did mustard ever do for me?
Aw, behave.
Why should I throw myself out
on account of mustard?
Is mustard any better than I am?
Go on, pick your friends.
Who do you want, me or mustard? Go
ahead, take mustard! Wait a minute.
Just a minute. Do you know
where mustard comes from?
They don't scrape it off
of a mustard plaster.
Certainly not.
They manufacture mustard.
They spend millions of dollars every year to
put up factories just to manufacture mustard.
Do you know those factories employ
thousands and thousands of men,
just to manufacture mustard?
Do you know those men take care
of thousands of families and homes,
all on account of mustard?
Andjust because you don't like
mustard, what do you want them to do?
Close those factories down and
put all those people out of work?
Do you mean to stand here and tell
me just because I don't eat mustard,
I'm closing down the mustard
factories? Wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me that those thousands of
people are making one jar of mustard, just for me?
I'll explain it... Tell them not to make
any more, 'cause I'm not gonna eat it!
You can lay 'em off!
Sure.
Who am I to support thousands? Oh,
why stand here and argue with you?
You said it.
Your dream is the same
As my dream
Your future is mine
When I dream
I want heaven with you
And you want
Heaven with me
We each want
Part of the same romance
I'm longing for
The things that
you long for too
We'll make the most
Impossible things come true
Two dreamers you and I
There's no sky too high
For hearts like ours
To fly to
Your way is the same
As my way
We travel along
Love's highway
Your dream is the same
As my dream
Both part of
The same romance
Everybody here gives me
a pain in the neck.
Your dream is the same
As my dream
Your future is mine
When I dream
I want heaven with you
And you want
heaven with me
We each want half
Of the same romance
I'm longing for the things
That you long for too
We'll make the most
Impossible things come true
Two dreamers you and I
There's no sky too high
For hearts like ours
To fly to
Your way is the same
As my way
We travel along
Love's highway
Your dream is the same
As my dream
Both
Part of the same
Romance
Come on, Rudolfo.
Let's get out of
this darn moonlight.
Where are you going?
To look for Steve.
Hello, hello.
Operator, operator.
Operator! What about my New York
call? Do I have to wait all night?
Hello! Hello!
Oh, hello, Dad!
Hello. What?
I can't hear you. Wait a minute.
Hello. Now.
Listen, Dad, a terrible thing
has happened. I've fallen in love.
Good. What's so terrible about that?
- Dad, you haven't heard who the girl is!
- I don't care.
If you like her, I like her. So
congratulations and all that sort of thing.
But listen, Dad.
This just isn't any girl.
This girl is the girl who's the girl
that's the girl that...
Well, what I mean is,
she's the girl...
I get it. She's a girl.
Well, stop yapping at $20 a minute.
We can't afford it.
I say, we can't afford it.
We're broke. We're busted.
There was a jewel robbery in Great Neck,
a bank holdup in Brooklyn,
some very unusual weather
in California...
and a skunk at
Mrs. Worthington's lawn party.
And they used to call me Lucky.
But that's peanuts compared to that
million-dollar wedding you're on now.
How's it coming along?
She marrying him tomorrow?
Yup. She's marrying him
tomorrow.
Wrong number.
What's the matter? Don't say
anything about the wedding.
What happened?
A spy.
Where?
In the next room.
Oh, behave. Come here.
No! No!
Come here. Come on. Come on. No!
Come here a minute!
I don't want him to see me!
Wait a minute.
I'm bashful! I'm bashful!
Wait a minute. It's you.
Don't get excited.
There you are. Oh, hello.
You going to the wedding?
Certainly, you're going to the
wedding. The same as the boss told us.
Don't mention the word "boss"! I tell
ya, I don't care about the boss anymore!
I wanna meet the boss!
I'm gonna tell him a thing or two!
I wanna meet him
face to face! I wanna...
What do you want?
I want my mama.
All right, all right.
Now what about it?
What about it?
What about what?
What about what, what?
That's what I say.
What do you say?
What about it?
What about this wedding?
Oh, wedding. Marriage.
Congratulations, Abbott.
I'm not getting married!
No? Hmm. Congratulations, boss.
Give that to him! What about the
wedding between Steve and Cynthia?
Is it gonna happen by noon today?
Why, boss, that's taking place now.
Yeah? Well, let's get outta here.
Yeah, come on!
Senor Escobar... Don't interrupt
me. I am thinking of love.
But, senor, we must know
when to start the farandole.
Oh, the farandole,
our national dance.
When I shoot the gun, the wedding is
over, and the farandole will commence.
Got the ring?
Yes, I've got it.
Oh, pretty, you look
very Mickey this...
I mean, Mickey...
Well, congratulations, boys.
I never saw a more
ghastly looking pair.
Bueno.
Shall we commence?
No, Senor Escobar.
I'm sorry to have caused you all
this trouble, but the wedding is off.
You see, I've just made
the very interesting discovery...
that both the groom and the best man
are a couple of first-class heels.
What did I tell you?
You told me.
Oh, I'm so sorry... Oh,
don't waste any sympathy,
because, you see, instead of
marrying me, heel number one...
gets a million dollars
from heel number two.
So good-bye, good luck...
and have fun.
Just a minute, baby.
Put 'em up, folks!
Put 'em up! I got a lot of
money invested in this wedding.
So get goin'!
Isn't there a man
in the room?
If you marry them, Senor Escobar,
I will kill you.
But the man has a pistol.
We must consider his point.
Yeah, me and Costello want
to go on living too.
- Who invited those dreadful people?
- I did.
I said marry 'em.
"By the power invested in me as mayor of
San Marcos, I, Don Alvarado Sepulveda... "
Aw, cut out that Chinese chatter
and go on with this wedding!
"Do you, Stephen Harper, take this
lady to be your lawful wedded wife?"
Yeah, well, it's a little sudden,
but... Should I?
- What?
- "Do you, Stephen Harper... "
I said tell 'em.!
Yeah, I guess maybe I do.
That's very nice of you.
"Do you, Cynthia Merrick,
take this man to be...
your lawful wedded husbands?"
Tired, boss?
Let's get out of here! I'm not
gonna go until I get good and ready!
I'm ready!
Come on, then!
The farandole!
Click click the heel
Tap tap the sole
Click click and tap tap
the gay farandole
Click click the heel
Tap tap the sole
Click click and tap tap
the gay farandole
Jim? I...
A little service here, please.
Yeah, but you are not the bride.
With the gun, I am.
As the mayor of San Marcos, I, Don
Alvarado Sepulveda Cienega San Vicente...
La Brea Figueroa Escobar...
This is getting a little heavy
for you. Just a moment. Try that.
Shoot, Escobar, or we will.
From the busy harbors
To the quiet hilltop
See the purple arbors
Heavy with our wine
Pick the purple treasure
Singing in the sunshine
Work becomes a pleasure
Life becomes divine
Cynthia, will you listen
to me for a minute?
No, I won't listen to you. There's no
possible way you can whitewash yourself...
or your loathsome love insurance. I
got that silly idea before I met you,
and I've regretted it every minute
because I fell madly in love with you!
What is this now, alibi insurance?
I hate insurance!
Her cheek is glowing
Her eyes are pleading
The song is growing
Her crimson petticoats fly
Her violet shawl
will flutter and fall
Faster we go Our fingers
entwine His heart is on mine
Click click the heel
Tap tap the sole
Click click and tap tap
the gay farandole
Click click the heel
I want my mama.
Tap tap the soul
Click click and tap tap
the gay farandole
From the harbors to the arbors
On the quiet hill
Stands the leafy vine
Heavy with our wine
Put that girl down!
Pick the purple treasure
For your pleasure sun will shine
Life is so divine
Ol ra
From the busy harbors
To the quiet hilltop
See the purple arbors
Heavy with our wine
Take the purple treasure
Singing in the sunshine
Work becomes a pleasure
Say, that guy's got a great voice.
Wonder who he is?
Oh, no!
Click click the heel
Tap tap the sole
Click click and tap tap
the gay farandole
Click click the heel
Tap tap the sole
Click click and tap tap
the gay farandole
Click click the heel
Tap tap the sole
Click click and tap tap
the gay farandole
Click click the heel
Tap tap the sole
Click click and tap tap
the gay farandole
Pick the purple treasure
Singing in the sunshine
Work becomes a pleasure
Life becomes divine
Life is divine
Oh, aren't you packed yet?
Packed?
Have you been drinking?
Oh, uh, just a little bit.
Are you sober?
Oh, sober as a judge.
Oh, Senor Escobar, if only
you were an eight man. Oh!
Oh, madame! Please! Allow me!
Darling, please, please, please!
No, no, no! Not if you went on
talking for the rest of your life.
Which won't be long now
because here comes Roscoe.
Don't you dare
lay a finger on him!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I was just tryin' to tell ya that Steve
married the little Mick...
and now we don't
have to pay off.
"Don't you lay a finger... "
She loves me!
He's gonna make
a wonderful husband.
You don't even know
what a husband is.
A husband is what's left of a sweetheart
after the nerve has been killed.
Keep the remarks to yourself!