1
RIGHT, LEFT.
- SOUND OFF.
- all: ONE, TWO.
- SOUND OFF.
- all: THREE, FOUR.
[patriotic music]
- MORNING, SIR.
- COLONEL CARSON.
GENERAL.
HAVE A GOOD TWO-MONTH LEAVE.
WE'LL MISS YOU AROUND HERE.
APPRECIATE THAT, SIR.
I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME
THAT LONG IN YEARS.
AND WHO KNOWS,
MAYBE THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU,
YOU'LL BE GENERAL CARSON.
ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE, SIR.
- HAVE A SAFE TRIP.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
[dog barks in distance]
[birds chirping]
I'M GONNA GO PUT THESE
OUTSIDE, WANNA COME?
YEAH, HOLD ON.
DAD'S COMING.
WHEN DO YOU THINK
HE'S GONNA GET HERE?
WE HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
IN SO LONG.
I HOPE HE LIKES IT.
I CAN'T WAIT.
OH.
UM...
PUT ONE UP
A LITTLE HIGHER.
- HOW'S THAT?
- GREAT.
- THAT'S GOOD.
- YEAH?
YEAH.
[sighs] OKAY.
PERFECT, OKAY.
OKAY.
THERE WE GO!
HOW DOES IT LOOK?
- IT LOOKS GOOD.
- AAH! IT LOOKS SO GOOD.
IT'S GREAT.
DAD'S GONNA LOVE IT.
OH, YOU DID
SUCH A GOOD JOB.
OH.
I HOPE HE LIKES IT.
OKAY, HE JUST CALLED.
HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
LET'S GO.
HEY, I SAW THAT.
- SAW WHAT?
- DON'T EAT THE CUPCAKE.
FINE.
OH!
OH, NOT THA CHEESY WATCH THING.
- IT IS NOT CHEESY.
- WAIT, WHAT WATCH THING?
WHEN DAD'S GONE, MOM WEARS
A WATCH TO COUNT THE MINUTES
UNTIL THEY'RE TOGETHER AGAIN.
BUT WHEN THEY'RE TOGETHER,
SHE TAKES IT OFF
BECAUSE TIME DOESN'T MATTER.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- [gags]
THERE HE IS.
OH, MY GOSH.
HI, HONEY!
- HEY, DAD.
- HI, HONEY.
OH, MY GOSH.
- OH, HONEY.
- MM.
- OH, I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
MISSED YOU.
FEELS SO GOOD.
- OH, MY GOSH.
- HI!
- LOOK AT YOU.
- [laughs]
I MISSED YOU.
[laughs]
HELLO, COLONEL.
HOW ARE YOU, YOUNG MAN?
OH, NO!
OH, IT'S OKAY, BABE.
OOH.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- THAT'S OKAY, I GOT IT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
[laughs]
THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
I'LL JUST MAKE ANOTHER ONE.
OKAY.
[laughter]
WOW, IT'S SO GREAT TO BE HOME.
I REALLY MISSED THIS.
THE FOOD OR US?
WOULD I BE A JERK
IF I SAID BOTH?
NO.
[laughter]
MM, I NOTICED, UM,
MY CAR WASN'T IN THE DRIVEWAY.
- RIGHT.
- ANY REASON FOR THAT?
- I DIDN'T CRASH IT.
- IT'S IN THE SHOP.
BUT NOBODY GOT HURT,
AND I'M PAYING FOR THE DAMAGE.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WE WERE HAVING
A DRIVING LESSON.
SHE WAS STARING
AT HER BOYFRIEND
AND CRASHED INTO THE MAILBOX.
BOYFRIEND?
WHAT BOYFRIEND?
- YOU ARE SUCH A NARC.
- POSER!
YOU GUYS, STOP FIGHTING.
YOUR DAD JUST GOT HOME.
- HEY, THOSE LOOK FANTASTIC.
- THANKS.
DID YOU TELL HIM
ABOUT THE NEW STORE?
- YOU FOUND A PLACE?
- YES, UH, YESTERDAY.
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT I IN PERSON.
BUT THERE'S THIS BAKERY
ACROSS TOWN THAT BACKED OU OF THEIR LEASE AND THE PLACE
WAS HALFWAY DONE,
- SO IT WAS PERFECT.
- THAT WAS FAST.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW THIS HAS TAKEN OFF.
I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA
MANAGE TWO STORES ALL AT ONCE.
BUT AT LEAST I HAVE SHEILA,
AND ONCE IT'S UP AND RUNNING,
IT'S GONNA BE...
[sighs]
I DON'T WANNA
TALK ABOUT THIS.
YOU'RE HERE FOR A WEEK.
I DON'T WANNA
TALK ABOUT BUSINESS.
MM.
- ACTUALLY, WE DON'T HAVE A WEEK.
- WHAT?
IT'S ONLY
A WEEKEND PASS?
BUT YOU'RE UP
FOR A PROMOTION.
AND I'VE DECIDED
TO TAKE A FURLOUGH...
UNTIL THE REVIEW BOARD
ANNOUNCES ITS DECISION.
I'M HERE FOR TWO MONTHS.
WHAT? TWO MONTHS?
OH, MY GOSH!
OH, I'M SO HAPPY.
MAYBE FOREVER.
FOREVER?
IF I MAKE GENERAL,
THAT COULD MEAN
ANOTHER FOUR-YEAR
STINT OVERSEAS,
ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF BEING
A PART-TIME HUSBAND
AND A PART-TIME FATHER.
I'VE MISSED SO MUCH
OF YOUR LIVES ALREADY.
ARE YOU SAYING THA YOU'RE CONSIDERING RETIREMENT?
I'M SAYING WE HAVE
A DECISION TO MAKE.
[phone rings]
- [beep]
- YEAH, HI, THAD.
YES.
YEAH, I KNOW WE
HAVE TO SIGN THE PAPERS.
THAD, I JUST WOKE UP.
I'LL CALL YOU LATER, OKAY?
[beep]
SORRY.
WHY IS HE CALLING SO EARLY?
ARE YOU, LIKE, HIS ONLY CLIENT?
NO, HE'S JUST ENTHUSIASTIC.
HE'S THE ONE WHO PU THIS WHOLE DEAL TOGETHER.
I NEVER LIKED THAT GUY.
HE HAD A WEAK HANDSHAKE.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN
YOU DID A ONE-HANDED PUSH-UP
OVER OUR WEDDING CAKE?
HOW COULD I FORGE THE GLORY DAYS?
[chuckles] YOU STILL OWE ME
A REAL WEDDING, YOU KNOW.
THAT WAS A REAL WEDDING,
HONEY.
MM, I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS ON A MILITARY BASE
WITH A CHAPLAIN.
WE'VE LASTED 18 YEARS.
HE MUST'VE SAID SOMETHING RIGHT.
AW.
DRIVING LESSON.
[knocks at door]
WAKE UP.
YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
IT'S THE PERFECT TIME.
THERE'S NO CARS ON THE ROAD.
MOM'S TEACHING ME.
YOUR MOTHER IS BUSY.
I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
HAVE NOTHING BUT TIME.
AND WHO IS THIS BOY
YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH?
WE'RE NOT GOING OUT.
BUT YOU'RE PLANNING TO?
- I GUESS.
- WHEN?
DO WE REALLY
HAVE TO DO THIS NOW?
- ABSOLUTELY.
- MOM?
MIGHT AS WELL
GET IT OVER WITH.
[sighs]
NEXT WEEKEND.
AND TO YOUR NEXT QUESTIONS,
HE HAS A 3.4 GPA,
NO TATTOOS, NO PIERCINGS.
- YOU LEFT OUT AGE.
- 35.
BUT HE SPENT 10 YEARS IN PRISON,
SO HE LOOKS A LOT YOUNGER.
HE'S 18.
18?
YEAH, I MET HIS MOM.
SHE'S REALLY NICE.
YOU'RE TALKING
TO HIS MOTHER NOW?
OF COURSE I AM.
[sighs]
ARE WE ALMOST DONE?
HEY, WE JUST STARTED.
THAT LOOKS LIKE POISON OAK.
AH, NO, DON' WORRY ABOUT THAT.
[water gushing]
[thudding]
[water gushing]
HERE WE GO.
UH-HMM.
OH, HONEY.
HONEY, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.
SORRY.
CAN YOU JUST MOVE--
MM-HMM.
- HONEY.
- SORRY.
UM.
GO AHEAD.
NO, NO, GO AHEAD.
THIS ISN'T WORKING.
UM...
[laughs]
- STANDING BY.
- OH, BOY.
STILL STANDING BY.
- OH, CAREFUL, CAREFUL, HONEY.
- SORRY, SORRY.
I GOT A BLADE
IN MY HAND.
I JUST DON' WANNA BE LATE.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU.
MWAH, YEAH.
OH, I LEFT YOU
A TO-DO LIST, OKAY? BYE.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M GOOD.
[military marching music]
UM, TELL ME THAT'S NOT WHA YOU'RE WEARING TO SCHOOL.
- MOM LEFT ALREADY?
- YUP.
THEN I GUESS THIS ISN' WHAT I'M WEARING TO SCHOOL.
DOES SHE ALWAYS
DRESS LIKE THAT?
YES.
YOU MUST BE STARVING
AFTER THAT WORKOUT, HUH?
- GET YOUR HEAD UP.
- [groans]
ACTUALLY,
I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP.
HERE WE GO.
LOOK AT THAT.
EAT UP.
[groans]
THAT WAS FAST.
DO I PASS INSPECTION?
YEAH.
HAVE SOME BREAKFAST.
THANKS, BUT I ONLY
EAT FRUIT BEFORE NOON.
[car honking]
[pan sizzling]
COMING OLLIE?
YEAH.
LOVE YOU, DAD.
HAVE A GOOD DAY, GUYS.
[door closes]
GUESS I'LL BE NEEDING
READING GLASSES.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
[dog barking]
[door knob clattering]
- [loud thud]
- WHOA!
YOU BREAKING
INTO THIS HOUSE?
- I LIVE HERE.
- MOST PEOPLE USE THE DOOR.
- I LOST MY KEY.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
RAY.
RAY MCKEWEN.
WHY AREN'T YOU IN SCHOOL,
MCKEWEN?
I CAME HOME EARLY.
I HAD A TOOTHACHE.
A TOOTHACHE?
SHOW ME SOME I.D.
[tires screeching]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SON?
LET HIM GO.
I'M SORRY, MA'AM.
I-- I'M A NEIGHBOR.
I JUST THOUGHT...
GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!
[grunts]
OKAY.
CARRY ON.
[scoffs]
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
THAT WAS AWESOME.
OH.
IT WAS NOT AWESOME.
HI, CAN I GE A STRAWBERRY CUPCAKE
AND A COFFEE TO GO,
PLEASE?
- I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
- GREAT.
- I NEED A LATTE.
- YEAH.
[background chatter]
OH, DOUBLE FROSTING
COMING RIGHT UP.
- THANKS, JANET.
- THE USUAL.
IS GRIFF BACK YET?
HE ACTUALLY CAME BACK
LAST NIGHT, YES.
OH, THERE HE IS RIGHT NOW.
HI.
HEY, WELCOME HOME.
[applause]
OH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WELCOME BACK.
HEY, THANKS
FOR YOUR SERVICE.
[cash register rings]
THERE YOU GO.
HI, HON.
HI.
HEY, WELCOME BACK.
WELL, THANK YOU, SHEILA.
YOU'RE LOOKING GREAT.
I'M 15 POUNDS OVERWEIGH AND WEARING FAR TOO MUCH PINK.
- YOU WANT TO TRY THAT AGAIN?
- HOW'S YOUR PARAKEET?
COCKATOO.
I HAD TO GET RID OF HIM.
WE DIDN'T GET ALONG.
WELL, THEN, IT'S GREA SEEING YOU, AS ALWAYS.
YOU TOO.
[chuckles]
OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET,
WE WERE ALL SO RELIEVED
TO FIND OU THAT NASTY RASH OF YOURS
HAD CLEARED UP.
[chuckles]
JANET, I'M GOING
TO GO WATCH OLLIE PRACTICE.
- OKAY.
- SO, HONEY,
WHAT TIME DO YOU WANT ME TO
COME BACK AND PICK YOU UP?
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
THAD WILL DROP ME OFF.
WE HAVE A MEETING
LATER TONIGHT.
- GREAT.
- WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?
CAN I GET ONE OF THOSE,
PLEASE?
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, SON.
GRAB YOUR MITT.
HEAD ON OUT TO THE FIELD.
WHO'S MY NEXT BATTER?
COME ON, OLLIE.
OLLIE, YOU'RE UP.
- LET'S GO, SON.
- YEAH.
HUSTLE UP.
LET'S GO, OLLIE!
COME ON, OLLIE.
YOU CAN DO IT, BUDDY.
LET'S GO, BUDDY, LET'S GO!
LET'S GO, OLLIE.
STAND RIGHT IN THERE.
STAND RIGHT IN THERE.
- WEIGHT ON YOUR BACK--
- SPREAD YOUR LEGS WIDER.
SORRY, COACH.
WHEN HE WINDS UP,
COCK YOUR ELBOW.
BE READY TO SWING.
- [thud]
- NICE TRY, OLLIE.
OLLIE, DON'T BE AFRAID.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
DAD, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT.
STEP CLOSER TO THE PLATE.
- GET AGGRESSIVE, OLLIE!
- DON'T DIP YOUR SHOULDER.
STEP RIGHT THROUGH THERE,
BUDDY!
HERE WE GO, OLLIE.
COME ON.
YOU GOT IT, OL.
OLLIE, SWING, BUD!
THAT'S A STRIKE!
SWING RIGHT THROUGH.
GET AGGRESSIVE, BUDDY.
- OKAY, YOU SWUNG A LITTLE LATE.
- STEP-- STEP STRAIGHT FORWARD.
- KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL.
- OLLIE, STEP FORWARD.
YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO DECIDE QUICKLY.
FORWARD, STRAIGHT.
LINE THEM UP LIKE I SHOWED YOU.
STRONG STANCE, BUDDY.
STRONG STANCE.
- [clears throat]
- SORRY, COACH.
COACH, YOU DO YOUR THING.
COME ON, BUD.
HERE WE GO, BATTER.
LET'S GO.
- [grunts]
- NICE TRY, OLLIE.
YOU SWING AT I WHEN THEY'RE THAT HIGH.
ALL RIGHT,
NEXT BATTER.
[dog barks in distance]
- HI, HONEY.
- HI.
- HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.
WELCOME BACK, SERGEANT.
THANKS.
AND IT'S COLONEL.
WE SIGNED THE LEASE.
WE OPEN IN 30 DAYS.
- HEY, CONGRATULATIONS.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
DID SHE TELL ABOU THE BIG ORDER WE PULLED IN?
SWEET 16
FOR THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER.
- I MEAN, KILLER PR.
- YEAH.
BUT IF WE PLAY THIS RIGHT,
OUR JANET HERE IS GONNA BE
THE NEW MRS. FIELDS.
AND YOU CAN BE,
UH, MR. FIELDS.
OR I GUESS YOU'D BE
COLONEL FIELDS, RIGHT?
- YEAH. YEAH.
- RIGHT.
OKAY. WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW, JANET.
THANKS, THAD.
- COLONEL.
- THAD.
- THAD.
- MM-HMM.
WHAT-- WHAT'S GOING ON?
I NEVER NOTICED IT BEFORE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THIS PLACE IS LIKE A HOME
INVASION WAITING TO HAPPEN.
I'M GONNA PUT IN
A SECURITY SYSTEM.
YOU MEAN, LIKE,
LIGHTS AND STUFF?
YEAH,
AND SOME OTHER THINGS.
OKAY.
OH, HONEY,
I HAD ANOTHER IDEA.
DO YOU THINK THE HOUSE
NEEDS TO GET PAINTED?
NO. I THINK ITS FINE.
WELL, BECAUSE THE BACKYARD
WAS LOOKING--
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT USED
TO NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO.
I'VE GOT PLENTY TO DO.
WHY DOES THAT SCARE ME?
YOU KNOW IT TAKES
SOME ADJUSTING
WHEN YOU'RE HOME
ON LEAVE.
WHAT IF THIS
ISN'T JUST LEAVE?
WELL, WHEN YOU
GET THE PROMOTION,
WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
AND IF I DON'T GET IT?
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT,
I PROMISE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU TOO, HON.
TA-TA-TA-TA.
YOU MAY GO.
- HI.
- HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD.
SORRY I'M A LITTLE LATE.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
- READY?
- YUP.
[sighs]
OKAY.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
GONNA DO?
- WATCH TV.
- OKAY.
I DON'T HAVE
ANY HOMEWORK, SO...
OH.
OH, THAT'S AWESOME.
I CAN'T SEE.
UH, LET'S SEE.
- THAT'S COOL.
- THAT'S DAD.
- [beeping]
- WHAT IS--
YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS
TO ENTER THE CODE
- BEFORE THE ALARM GOES OFF.
- WHAT, ARE WE UNDER ATTACK?
WE COULD BE.
- 12 SECONDS.
- WHAT'S THE CODE?
YOUR BIRTHDAY, THE DAY,
AND THEN THE MONTH.
AND ENTER.
[beeping continues]
TRY IT AGAIN.
[groans]
NO, WAIT, WAIT.
CLEARLY, YOU FORGO MY BIRTHDAY.
NO. I GOT IT.
UH-OH.
[siren wails]
[all yelling]
PLEASE, STOP THIS.
YEAH, YEAH. HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
ONE SECOND.
HOLD ON.
ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND.
- GRIFF! UH.
- OH.
[alarm continues to wail]
- WHERE IS HE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
GRIFF?
I MUST HAVE, UH-- MUST HAVE
GOT SOME WIRES CROSSED.
STOP THAT.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- POISON OAK.
THE NURSE SAID
IT'S FROM THE WOODS.
OH.
COME ON.
LET'S GO WATCH TV.
YOU GUYS GO.
GET IN HERE.
OOH.
- [scoffs]
- I CAN'T DO THIS.
WHAT?
I CAN'T RETIRE.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO BE A CIVILIAN.
YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU
COME WORK AT THE STORE?
WHAT?
JUST UNTIL I GET THE OTHER ONE
UP AND RUNNING.
I COULD REALLY USE THE HELP,
AND IT WOULD GET YOU
OUT OF THE HOUSE.
IS THAT FEAR IN YOUR EYES,
COLONEL?
AFFIRMATIVE.
YOU'RE GOOD
AT GIVING ORDERS.
NOW YOU CAN TAKE THEM.
FOR CUPCAKES.
[indistinct chatter]
WE ROTATE 32 VARIETIES,
AND DAILY SPECIALS ARE UP FRONT.
WE GOT CHOCOLATE SUNDAE,
BLACK RASPBERRY.
I'M A FAN OF BANANA.
UH-HUH. OKAY.
OH, YEAH.
I'M-- I'M NOT WEARING THESE.
OKAY, WELL,
YOU'RE GONNA WEAR THIS.
[laughs]
- HONEY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- WHAT?
WELL,
THIS LOOKS RIDICULOUS.
OH, HONEY,
IT'S PART OF THE OUTFIT.
YOU GOTTA WEAR IT.
- SWEETHEART--
- IT GETS WORSE.
OH, OH.
NO, NO. NO WAY.
IT'S HEALTH CODE REG.
ONLY WHEN YOU'RE BAKING
OR ICING, OKAY?
IT'S OKAY.
YOU LOOK CUTE.
I LIKE TO DO THE ICING
WITH A KNIFE,
BUT IT'S A LOT EASIER TO USE
THE FROSTING GUN.
- A GUN? OKAY.
- MM-HMM.
SO YOU JUST GO RIGHT HERE.
JUST SWIRL IT AROUND LIKE THAT.
ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
- ROGER THAT.
- YOU CAN DO THAT.
HONEY, DOES SHE NEED
TO BE HERE?
YES, JUST DON'T ENGAGE.
AND IF SHE ENGAGES FIRST?
SURRENDER.
HERE, YOU TRY.
OKAY.
FOLD THOSE IN.
THIS GOES OVER.
THAT GOES OVER.
THEN YOU GOTTA PU THESE FLAPS IN HERE.
AND THEY CAN BE
A LITTLE TRICKY, OKAY?
ANY QUESTIONS?
JUST ONE.
DOES EVERYTHING
HAVE TO BE SO PINK?
OH, YOU'RE EMBARRASSED.
THAT'S CUTE.
NOT HELPING.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STAY.
SWEETHEART, NO.
YOU GO AHEAD.
YOU GO ON YOUR MEETING.
I'LL BE FINE.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL KEEP A SHORT LEASH ON HIM.
LET'S JUST GO OVER THIS
ONE MORE TIME, HERE.
HONEY, HONEY, WE'VE GONE OVER
EVERYTHING THREE TIMES ALREADY.
I'VE GOT IT.
I RUN A BATTALION
OF OVER A THOUSAND MEN.
I CAN HANDLE SOME CUPCAKES.
OKAY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU TOO.
THE PLACE IS IN GOOD HANDS.
BYE.
[door opens and closes]
I REALIZE HOW FASCINATING
THIS MUST BE FOR YOU,
BUT IF YOU'RE BACK HERE,
YOU NEED THE NET.
OKAY.
JUST AN OBSERVATION,
BUT YOU COULD DOUBLE YOUR OUTPU IF YOU USE BOTH RACKS.
I COULD.
AND, IF THIS WAS A MESS HALL,
I WOULD.
BUT THEY COOK BETTER
WITH ONE RACK.
HOW MUCH BETTER
COULD THEY TASTE?
IT'S JUST FLOUR AND WATER.
FLOUR AND WATER?
[scoffs]
AND WHAT, THE MONA LISA
IS JUST PAINT ON A CANVAS?
TECHNICALLY, YES.
ARE YOU TELLING ME
HOW TO BAKE?
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR 27 YEARS.
YOU'VE BEEN HERE 27 MINUTES.
YOU'RE IN MY WORLD NOW.
I'M JUST TRYING
TO MAKE THIS OPERATION
A LITTLE MORE EFFICIENT.
OKAY.
YOU SEE THIS?
THAT IS YOUR LINE IN THE SAND.
YOU STAY ON THAT SIDE,
AND WE WON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS.
YOU GOT A CUSTOMER.
HMM.
CARSON,
I HEARD YOU WERE BACK.
HEY, HARLEY,
HOW YOU DOING?
HOW ARE YOU, MAN?
YEAH, THAT'S A NICE COLOR
ON YOU.
OH, YEAH.
HOW'D YOU GET ROPED
INTO THIS?
I GOT DRAFTED, OR I ENLISTED.
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
SINCE THE FORT BENNING DAYS.
[laughs]
YEAH.
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD,
BROTHER.
THANK YOU.
YOU TOO.
YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN OUT SEVEN YEARS NOW.
I GOT THE HARDWARE STORE
OVER ON PINE.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT.
IT IS NOW.
AT FIRST, THOUGH, I DON'T KNOW,
I FELT LIKE A STRANGER
IN MY OWN LIFE.
- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- IT GETS EASIER.
SO YOU FINALLY DECIDED
TO RETIRE?
WELL, STILL DECIDING.
ACTUALLY, I'M UP FOR GENERAL.
GENERAL?
WOW.
CONGRATS, SIR.
THANK YOU.
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN
A GENERAL IN A HAIRNET.
- OH.
- [chuckling]
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?
YEAH. HOW ABOUT AN APPLE CRISP
AND A COFFEE?
COMING RIGHT UP.
SO, DAD, I HEARD YOU HAD
TO WEAR AN APRON.
AND A HAIRNET.
HARSH.
HEY, YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT'S REALLY HARSH?
- WHAT?
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THE BOSS WOULDN'T TRUST ME
TO BE ALONE WITH THE CAKES.
OH, IT WAS YOUR FIRST DAY.
I'LL TRUST YOU TOMORROW.
HERE, LOOK.
HERE.
KIM, DINNER.
[laughs]
RIGHT?
THAT'S CLASSIFIED.
DELETE THAT.
OH, WELL, SHE'LL JUST TAKE
ANOTHER ONE TOMORROW.
- [chuckles]
- AND BY HER, YOU MEAN SHEILA?
I'M AFRAID SHE SEN A MASS EMAIL.
THAT WOMAN
HAS A PERSONALITY PROBLEM.
WELL, YOU'LL GET USED
TO HER.
DO I HAVE TO?
FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY,
HONEY.
WHAT'S TOMORROW NIGHT?
I'M GOING OUT.
I TOLD YOU.
3.4 GPA, NO TATTOOS,
NO EARRINGS?
11:00 P.M. CURFEW,
GROUP DATE ONLY,
AND I WANT TO MEET HIM.
YOU SAID WHEN I WAS 16
I COULD GO OUT ALONE.
I MEANT 17.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
MOM?
UH, YUP.
UH, YEAH, WE SAID 16.
I JUST DIDN'T THINK
IT WOULD GET HERE THAT QUICK.
OLLIE, COME ON.
[knock at door]
GET UP.
REMEMBER
WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE,
WE USED TO RUN
THE OBSTACLE COURSE ON BASE?
- I DID?
- YEAH.
THREE DAYS A WEEK,
RAIN OR SHINE.
HOW COME WE STOPPED
LIVING ON BASE?
WELL, I GOT TRANSFERRED
TO GERMANY.
YOUR MOTHER AND I DECIDED
WE DIDN'T WAN TO UPROOT YOU GUYS ANYMORE.
- WHY?
- WELL, YOU HAD FRIENDS,
YOU HAD SCHOOL.
WE WANTED YOU GUYS TO HAVE
AS NORMAL AN UPBRINGING
AS POSSIBLE.
NORMAL'S OVERRATED.
AND GROWING UP AN ARMY BRA CAN BE TOUGH.
I SHOULD KNOW.
IT'S JUST THAT I WISH
YOU'D BEEN AROUND MORE.
ME TOO, BUDDY.
I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR TEN MINUTES.
THE USUAL, PLEASE!
- COME ON.
- LET'S GO.
WHERE'S JANET?
IT'S JUST ME TODAY.
SHE LEFT YOU ALONE
ON FRIDAY RUSH?
IT'S A CUPCAKE STORE.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
OKAY.
GOOD MORNING,
LADIES.
THAT MUST BE THE HUSBAND.
WHERE'S HIS APRON?
UH-HUH.
GOOD MORNING.
OOPS.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU LADIES?
TWO DECAF,
TWO ANGEL FOOD.
TWO DECAF, TWO ANGEL.
UH, JANET GIVES US
THE DECAF FOR FREE.
OKAY.
JANET BRINGS OUR ORDER
TO THE TABLE.
HA. OF COURSE.
APPARENTLY, NICKELS
AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.
ALL RIGHT,
HERE, COME ON.
- AND TAKE SOME MORE--
- HURRY UP. OPEN YOUR PURSE.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OPEN.
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OPEN IT HARDER.
I CAN'T GET EVERY--
I CAN'T GET THE SWEETENER
IN THERE.
I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.
DON'T MAKE ME NERVOUS,
PLEASE.
I'M NOT TRYING
TO MAKE YOU NERVOUS.
- I JUST WANNA--
- JUST FILL UP THE THING.
YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS THIS.
WELL, MY HUSBAND
NEEDS A LOT OF THINGS.
- WHAT IS HE DOING?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
HE LOOKS
SO OUT OF HIS ELEMENT.
THIS IS
A FISH-OUT-OF-WATER COMEDY.
HE CAN'T EVEN READ.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
WHY DOESN'T HE USE
THOSE-- OH.
OH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HE SHOULD NOT BE WEARING
THOSE GLASSES.
THOSE ARE HIDEOUS.
- OH, HE'S A FASHION DISASTER.
- OH, HE IS.
OKAY, LADIES.
TWO COFFEES,
AND TWO ANGEL FOODS.
OH.
THIS IS NOT DECAF.
I'M SURE IT IS DECAF,
MA'AM.
WE'LL HAVE HOT WATER
WITH LEMON.
OF COURSE.
I HOPE THESE ARE BETTER.
WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH JANET?
I SWEAR, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE-- THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
CAN I GE A LITTLE HELP HERE?
RIGHT THERE.
EXCUSE ME. HI.
CAN I HAVE TWO HOT FLAN?
- WHOA.
- I WAS FIRST.
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
[overlapping arguing]
HELLO?
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
WHO WAS FIRST?
EXCUSE ME.
CAN I GET TWO HOT FLAN, PLEASE?
- WHOA, EXCUSE ME.
- I WAS FIRST.
- CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
- WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
- WAIT ONE SECOND.
- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[overlapping arguing]
[cell phone rings]
I DON'T WANNA ARGUE WITH YOU,
LADIES.
THAT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING.
LISTEN, I WAS HERE FIRST.
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.
NO, NO,
IT DOES MEAN SOMETHING.
IT DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING.
BECAUSE I COME HERE
ALL THE TIME.
THIS IS CARSON, SIR.
I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU
A HEADS UP.
THE PROMOTIONS BOARD IS
REVIEWING YOUR FILE THIS WEEK.
THAT'S EXCELLENT, SIR.
EVERYTHING ALL RIGH OVER THERE?
YEAH, YES, SIR.
SORRY, SIR.
I'M JUST HELPING OUT THE WIFE
AT HER SHOP, SIR.
GET BACK TO IT.
I'LL BE IN TOUCH.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
- [chuckles]
[overlapping arguing continues]
OKAY.
SO WHO HAD THE HOT FLASHES?
- THAT'S YOU, RIGHT?
- HOT FL-- EXCUSE ME?
AND YOU'RE THE MOUSSE?
- WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
- OUT OF LINE.
- WHAT?
- OH, LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M-- NO, YOU DIDN'T.
I'M NOT COMING BACK.
I'M DONE.
NO. WHAT?
WHAT?
NO, MA'AM,
NO, I DIDN'T, I DIDN'T--
HELLO? HELLO?
HI, COFFEE, PLEASE.
TO GO.
YES, MA'AM, ABSOLUTELY.
OKAY, NO.
NO HOT WATER.
EXCUSE ME.
I WAS FIRST.
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
WAIT A SECOND.
NO.
NO, YOU WERE NOT FIRST.
TWO WATERS WITH LEMON.
COME ON.
RIGHT AWAY.
I'M SO SORRY. ONE SECOND.
SHEILA, COULD I GET A HAND
OUT HERE, PLEASE?
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER.
- ARE YOU TOTALLY INEPT?
- EXCUSE ME?
JUST FILL THE ORDER,
YOU LOSER.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
THEN GET PHIL ON THE PHONE.
A DOZEN BUTTERMILK TO GO.
YES, OF COURSE.
BUTTERMILK. YOU GOT IT.
- THE COFFEE, PLEASE. FIRST.
- YES, MA'AM.
- TO GO.
- TO GO? OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
NOT TO GO FOR YOU,
BUT, YES, TO GO FOR YOU.
RIGHT, I GOT IT.
AND TWO WATERS WITH--
THE HOT WATER WITH LEMON.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT FINALLY?
THANK YOU.
OKAY.
ONE MOMENT.
ONE SECOND.
BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
[woman gasps]
I'M SO SORRY.
I WANT MY FLAN.
[cup breaks]
HI, HONEY.
SORRY.
[whimpers]
SO, DAD, MOM GAVE YOU
THE OLD AX, EH?
NO.
YOUR DAD AND I DECIDED
THAT IT WOULD BE BES IF HIS TIME WAS SPENT ELSEWHERE.
[laughs]
[doorbell rings]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
[clears throat]
DAD, THIS IS RAY.
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
I MEAN,
UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES,
MISTER-- COLONEL, SIR.
WAIT,
WHEN DID YOU TWO MEET?
SO YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN MY DAUGHTER?
DAD, PLEASE.
I THINK
SHE'S THE BOMB, SIR.
I WORK WITH BOMBS,
RAY.
THEY EXPLODE.
POOR CHOICE OF WORDS.
WHAT I MEANT WAS
I THINK
SHE'S A VERY NICE GIRL, SIR.
SHE USED TO WEAR PINK.
NOW SHE WEARS BLACK.
YOU HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THAT, RAY?
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
- DAD.
WE'RE JUST GOING
TO THE MOVIES.
- WHAT MOVIE?
- A VAMPIRE MOVIE.
NC-17?
SHE'S 16.
NO. IT'S A-- IT'S PG.
IT'S G.
I ASSUME YOU HAVE
A VALID DRIVER'S LICENSE.
YEAH.
PROOF OF INSURANCE?
IT'S IN THE CAR.
HA-HO, IS THAT THE VEHICLE
YOU PLAN
ON DRIVING
MY DAUGHTER AROUND IN, RAY?
- WELL, I, UH--
- YES OR NO?
UH, I'M SORRY, KIM.
I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I HAVE
THIS THING THAT I HAVE TO--
OKAY.
[scoffs]
YOU JUST RUINED MY LIFE.
I WAS JUST ASKING HIM
SOME QUESTIONS, HONEY.
I MEAN, IF THAT'S
GONNA BREAK HIM DOWN...
[car horn honks]
NICK AND HIS DAD ARE TAKING ME
TO THE BATTING CAGES.
YOU'RE NOT COMING, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
GOT IT.
LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU TOO.
- THAT WENT WELL.
- YEAH, YOU WERE THE BOMB.
- HONEY?
- HMM? MM-HMM?
YOU THINK
WE MADE A MISTAKE?
HUNDREDS.
I CAN'T HELP THINKING
IF I DIDN'T TAKE
THAT COMMISSION TO GERMANY...
I'D BE ONE OF YOU NOW.
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO CATCH UP
OR FIGHT MY WAY BACK IN.
YOU ARE ONE OF US.
EVERYTHING'S
CHANGED SO MUCH.
THE KIDS,
THEY'RE NOT KIDS ANYMORE.
AND YOU'RE-- YOU'RE DOING SO WELL
WITHOUT ME.
WE'RE DOING SO MUCH BETTER
WITH YOU.
- [beeping]
- JANET.
JANET, YOU THERE?
HELLO?
LOOK, I HEARD ABOUT THE DISASTER
IN THE BAKERY TODAY.
IT WAS A BAD DAY.
THAT'S ALL.
I-I DISAGREE.
I MEAN, WHAT HE DOES
IN THAT STORE
AFFECTS THE NEW STORE.
[exhales]
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
- HOW ARE YOU?
- HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HONEY,
YESTERDAY WASN'T PRETTY.
I KNOW THAT.
I LOST FOCUS, BUT RIGHT NOW
I AM IN THE ZONE.
I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT RUNNING
THROUGH A LIST OF THINGS
TO TIGHTEN UP OPERATIONS.
PINK BOXES
ASSEMBLED IN ADVANCE.
RESULT, MORE ONE-ON-ONE TIME
TO SERVE THE CUPCAKERS' NEEDS.
PLEASE.
ALL ITEMS RELABELED MUCH BIGGER,
MUCH EASIER TO READ.
MINIMIZES INDECISION.
INSTEAD OF A FREE-FOR-ALL
AT THE COUNTER,
WE ENCOURAGE
A SINGLE-FILE ORDERLY LINE-UP.
INCREASED TURNOVER,
INCREASED SALES.
- WOW.
- LOOK, HONEY, I KNOW
I WASN'T UP FOR THIS JOB
TO BEGIN WITH.
I UNDERESTIMATED IT.
BUT I CAN DO THIS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
YES, I DO.
PINK MAY NOT BE
MY COLOR OF CHOICE,
BUT I AM NO QUITTER.
EXCUSE ME?
MAY I HELP YOU?
HI.
YES. I'D LIKE TWO
OF THESE, PLEASE.
OH, GREAT CHOICE.
FANTASTIC.
- AND YOU, SIR?
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M JUST GONNA NEED
A COUPLE THINGS TO GO.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- HE'S BACK?
HE'S BACK.
[door opens and shuts]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
COME AGAIN.
both:
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, BABE.
- HONEY?
- YES?
THAT ENEMY BAKERY IS STEALING
ALL YOUR MORNING CUSTOMERS.
THEY'RE NOT THE ENEMY,
AND THEY'RE NOT MY CUSTOMERS.
WELL, THEY COULD BE.
UH, NO.
MY CUSTOMERS START AT 11:00 A.M.
WHATEVER YOU'RE THINKING,
DON'T.
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
[car horn honks]
- HIM AGAIN.
- HEY.
COLONEL, I DIDN'T EXPEC TO SEE YOU BACK HERE.
IT'S FUNNY. I EXPEC TO SEE YOU WHEREVER I TURN.
GRIFF'S RUNNING THE STORE.
WELL, I'M SURE YOU GUYS
HAVE THOUGHT THIS OUT.
- YES. WE HAVE.
- YEAH.
JANET, WE REALLY OUGH TO HIT I IF WE'RE GONNA MEE THE CONTRACTORS.
YES. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
BYE. I LOVE YOU.
LOVE YOU.
THANK YOU.
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
I HEARD
SOMEONE'S COFFEE CUP
CALLING FOR A LITTLE MORE
COFFEE, AM I RIGHT?
- THERE WE GO.
- YES, PLEASE.
THERE WE GO.
ENJOY, LADIES.
- THANKS.
- THANK YOU.
YOU CAN'T FINISH THAT,
HMM?
[digital camera shutter clicks]
[digital camera shutter clicks]
CAN I HELP YOU?
NO.
LIKE A LITTLE COFFEE?
NO, I'M FINE.
THANKS.
A LITTLE MORE DECAF,
LADIES?
HALF A CUP.
YES, MA'AM.
YES, MA'AM.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE LEARNING.
[chuckles]
SO YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME
THE BRISKET RECIPE?
I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU,
BUT YOU JUST LOOK IT UP.
IT'S IN THE JOY OF COOKING.
IT'S FROM A BOOK?
WELL, WHY NOT?
IT'S A COOKBOOK.
PLEASE, I THOUGHT YOUR MOTHER
GAVE IT TO YOU.
WHAT AN ADORABLE LITTLE ONE.
- THANK YOU.
- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?
WELL, ASHLEY ANN
IS TURNING ONE,
AND WE NEED 100 CUPCAKES
TO MATCH THIS COLOR SWATCH.
SO WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
WELL, OUR DISPLAY CASE
IS RIGHT HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK
AT THE DISPLAY CASE
WHILE I FIGURE THIS ONE OUT?
ALL RIGHT,
SOUNDS GOOD.
THANK YOU.
I THINK YOU SHOULD GO
WITH BALLERINA.
- NOT PINK LADY?
- NAH.
PINK LADY'S
GOT A BLUISH UNDERTONE TO IT.
WELL, IF ANYTHING
I WAS THINKING
IT LEANS
MORE TOWARD MAGENTA.
- MAGENTA?
- YES, I DO.
LOOK-- LOOK AT US.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
WE USED TO TALK
ABOUT TROOP DEPLOYMENTS.
- NOW...
- ASHLEY ANN LIKES PINK LADY.
OH.
CAN YOU HAVE THOSE READY
BY TOMORROW MORNING?
- ABSOLUTELY.
- GREAT, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.
I THINK THEY'RE DOING MORE
THAN REDECORATING.
I CAN'T HAVE THOSE READY
BY TOMORROW.
YOU CAN
IF YOU USE BOTH RACKS.
YOU KNOW MY RACK POLICY.
CHANGE IT.
DON'T LET SHEILA CATCH YOU.
NEVER.
THAT IS FUNNY.
[laughs]
HOW ABOUT YOU?
WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THE LADY DEPARTMENT?
- STOP.
- WHAT?
COME ON.
[indistinct chatter]
[digital camera shutter clicks]
- YOU'RE MEAN.
- I'M NOT MEAN.
[clears throat]
[keypad beeping]
[phone line ringing]
YEAH, JIM, IT'S CARSON.
I NEED A BACKGROUND CHECK
ON A CIVILIAN, ASAP.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU.
HEY, HONEY!
HI, SWEETHEART.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
MWAH.
OH, OH.
[kissing noises]
WOW.
THE PLACE LOOKS GREAT.
THANKS.
WE THINK SO.
WHY DON'T I TAKE EVERYBODY OU FOR A LITTLE FAMILY DINNER, HMM?
WE JUST ATE.
THAD BROUGHT US SOME THAI FOOD.
YEAH. I'M SORRY, HONEY.
THE KIDS WERE STARVING.
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
THERE'S LEFTOVER MEE KROB
IF YOU WANNA PICK THROUGH IT.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS THE ELECTRICIAN.
UH, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
WOW.
YEAH.
JANET TELLS ME YOU HAD
A DECENT DAY AT THE STORE.
YEAH, YEAH,
WE MOVED SOME CAKES.
YOU KNOW,
I HAVE TO ADMI I WASN'T REALLY
ALL THAT THRILLED
ABOUT YOU GOING
BACK IN THERE.
BUT I GET THA YOU'RE TRYING TO BE USEFUL
WHILE YOU'RE HOME,
SO IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
YEAH.
WELL, THAT MEANS...
A LOT.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO
FOR JANET, YOU KNOW,
OR THE FAMILY, I'M THERE.
WELL,
I APPRECIATE THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ACTUALLY,
THERE IS ONE LITTLE THING.
DONE.
NAME IT.
WELL, IT CONCERNS
YOUR TOYOTA OUT THERE.
MERCEDES.
RIGHT,
BECAUSE I WAS TEACHING KIM
HOW TO DRIVE,
AND THAT SEEMS MUCH MORE
MANEUVERABLE THAN THE MINIVAN,
SO THAT WOULD BE
JUST FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
JUST A QUICK SPIN,
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
COME ON, HON.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH, THAD.
- YEAH, SURE.
APPRECIATE THAT.
HONEY, WHAT DO YOU SEE
WHEN YOU GO TO THE MALL?
CLOTHES STORES?
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT I SEE?
I SEE SHOPLIFTERS.
I SEE PICKPOCKETS.
I SEE
AN OVERCROWDED ESCALATOR.
I SEE AN UNCHECKED FLAME
AT THE CHICKEN JOINT.
OKAY?
YOU HAVE TO CONSTANTLY BE
REASSESSING THE THREAT LEVEL.
THAT'S HOW YOU BECOME
A DEFENSIVE DRIVER.
- OKAY.
- OKAY. NOW...
WOW, THIS REALLY IS NICE,
ISN'T IT?
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
NOW, WHAT YOU DO IS YOU TAKE
THAT KEY THINGY...
- UH-HUH.
- YOU STICK I INSIDE THAT LITTLE SLOT,
RIGHT?
NOW PUT IT INTO DRIVE.
- PUT YOUR BLINKER ON.
- I DID, I DID, I DID.
OKAY.
NOW, CALMLY GO TEN AND TWO.
YOU PULL OUT NICE AND EASY.
THERE YOU GO, HONEY.
[typing]
[murmurs]
[printer whirring]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU GONNA COME TO BED?
YEAH, HONEY,
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
OKAY.
[printer whirring]
MAPLE BACON CUPCAKES
ARE OUR NEW MORNING CUPCAKES.
WE ARE NOW OPEN EVERY
SINGLE MORNING AT 7:00 A.M.
COME ON INSIDE.
IF YOU LIKE THOSE,
WE GOT PLENTY MORE INSIDE.
ABSOLUTELY, HERE YOU ARE.
FREE CUP OF COFFEE WITH
EVERY SINGLE CUPCAKE PURCHASED.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THERE YOU ARE, MA'AM.
HERE, SIR.
MAPLE BACON,
ONE OF OUR MANY, MANY FLAVORS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THERE YOU ARE.
WE'RE OPEN EVERY MORNING
FROM 7:00 A.M.
THANK YOU, SIR.
YOU'RE STARTING A WAR,
YOU KNOW.
SHEILA, WHY DON'T YOU GO
INSIDE AND HAVE A LATTE?
I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT.
OR MAYBE JUST INTOLERANT.
I HEARD THAT.
[chuckles]
HERE,
TRY OUR MAPLE BACON CUPCAKES.
WE'RE OPEN
EVERY SINGLE MORNING.
THANK YOU.
AND HERE WE ARE.
HALF A DOZEN
I'M A FAN OF BANANAS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NEXT, PLEASE.
I KNOW.
HONESTLY, SHE'S SO DELUSIONAL
IF SHE THINKS SHE'S GOING
OVER THE EXACT SAME--
NO TALKING ON THE CELL PHONE,
PLEASE.
I'M JUST GOING
TO REVOKE HER INVITATION.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER--
EXCUSE ME.
BUT THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
YEAH, I KNOW, RIGHT?
- YEAH, UNLESS YOU WERE--
- LADIES, I'M GONNA HAVE
TO ASK YOU TO EMPTY OU YOUR PURSES, PLEASE.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
THE BAGS.
OPEN THEM UP.
WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?
I'M SUGGESTING
THAT YOU'RE STEALING
ALL OF MY SUGAR.
I MEAN, HOW MUCH SUGAR
CAN ONE PERSON REALLY NEED?
HOW DARE YOU?
I DON'T LIKE YOUR TONE.
PLEASE OPEN THE BAGS.
- CERTAINLY NOT.
- NO.
WE'RE ON A FIXED INCOME.
YOU DON'T PAY ANYTHING
FOR THIS STUFF.
- PLEASE OPEN THEM UP.
- I'M NOT GONNA TAKE ANYMORE.
- WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
- LET'S GO. BYE.
- LIKE SHE SAYS.
- THIS IS LAST TIME
I'M EVER COMING IN HERE.
ABSOLUTELY.
NEVER AGAIN.
EXCUSE ME.
YEAH.
THAT'S LIKE--
NO CELL PHONES, PLEASE.
BUYING THE EXACT SAME DRESS.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER,
AND I TOLD MY MOM...
- EXCUSE ME.
- YEAH.
- EXCUSE ME.
- YEAH, TOTALLY.
THAT SIGN BACK THERE.
- ONE SECOND.
- NO TALKING ON THE CELL PHONE.
SORRY. EXCUSE ME,
BUT MY FATHER'S THE MAYOR.
- YOUR FATHER'S THE MAYOR?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
MY FATHER FOUGHT THE VIET CONG
FOR SIX YEARS.
HIS FATHER WENT M.I.A.
IN WORLD WAR II.
THEY SACRIFICED
FOR YOUR RIGH TO TALK ON THE PHONE,
JUST NOT IN THIS STORE.
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
BUT MY SWEET 16 ORDER,
CANCEL IT.
OKAY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW CRAZY THIS GUY IS.
CANCELLED.
PHONE TALKER.
JANET IS GOING TO KILL YOU.
THE SIGN WAS CLEARLY POSTED.
"NO CELL PHONES."
THAT WAS OUR BIGGEST ORDER,
NOT TO MENTION THE PUBLICITY.
COLLATERAL DAMAGE.
IT'S NOT COLLATERAL.
IT'S JUST DAMAGE.
I'LL CALL THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
TOMORROW.
NO, YOU WON'T.
YOU'RE GONNA STAND
BEHIND THE COUNTER
AND TAKE ORDERS.
YES, MA'AM.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, DAD.
HEY, OLLIE.
HEY, CAN YOU DONATE
100 CUPCAKES?
NOT NOW, BUDDY.
I'M A LITTLE BIT BUSY, OKAY?
BUT IT'S
FOR MY BASEBALL FUNDRAISER.
I UNDERSTAND, OKAY?
WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THE BACK
AND DO SOME HOMEWORK?
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
- FINE.
- COME ON, GO, GO, GO, BUDDY.
OKAY. WHO'S NEXT?
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
YOU CAN GIVE ME
MY MORNING CUSTOMERS BACK.
IT'S CALLED
THE SPIRIT OF COMPETITION.
ON THE HOUSE.
YOU WANT COMPETITION?
FINE.
I'M GONNA GO AFTER
THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER'S SWEET 16.
BRING IT ON.
OH, IT IS ON!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE'RE IN COMBAT MODE, SHEILA.
CHANGE OF STRATEGY.
TAKE THAT PAN OUT OF THERE.
WE NEED MORE SUPPLY.
WE ARE GONNA BAKE THAT GUY
RIGHT OFF THE BLOCK.
TAKE THAT PAN OUT OF THERE,
AND YOU GET BACK
TO YOUR DESIGNATED AREA.
OR WHAT?
I QUIT.
WHO'S NEXT?
HEY, MAN.
EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
GRAB AN APRON.
MOVE, SOLDIER.
GRAB AN APRON!
YEAH. I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
YES. I KNOW.
I SAW THE LEASE AGREEMENT. YEAH.
OKAY. YEAH.
YEAH, I HAVE IT.
YOU KNOW,
I GOTTA CALL YOU BACK.
OOH.
AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY?
CAN I GET THREE PINK LADIES,
TWO CRAZY KEY LIMES,
AND--
EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND.
- SORRY?
- OLLIE, HONEY?
- YEAH.
- IS THAT YOUR BACKPACK
IN THE CORNER OVER THERE?
NO.
MINE'S RIGHT HERE.
- HMM.
- AND I'D LIKE--
ONE MOMENT, SORRY.
KIM!
KIM, SWEETHEART,
THAT YOUR BACKPACK
OVER THERE IN THE CORNER?
- MM-MM.
- YOURS?
- MM-MM.
- EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
I'M SORRY. DOES THIS BACKPACK
BELONG TO ANYBODY HERE?
- NOT MINE.
- NO. IT'S NOT.
NO. SORRY.
OKAY, FOLKS,
WE HAVE A SITUATION HERE.
I WANT EVERYBODY TO STAY CALM.
HONEY, DON'T.
- WHY?
- POSSIBLE I.E.D.
- O.M.G.
- OKAY, EVERYBODY.
CALMLY, CALMLY, PLEASE EXI THE PREMISES, PLEASE.
OKAY, MOVE,
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE.
NO, WAIT. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THERE'S A--
[smoke alarm beeps]
WHAT'S GOING ON?
OH, MY GOD.
FORTUNATELY,
IT'S JUST WATER DAMAGE.
BUT IT'LL BE A FEW WEEKS
BEFORE THEY CAN START REPAIRS.
A FEW WEEKS?
OUR VENDORS ARE BACKED UP.
I'M SORRY.
WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
[sighs]
GO WAIT IN THE CAR.
YOU ARE LIKE A WEAPON
OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
I CAN FIX IT.
REALLY?
CAN YOU FIX THAT?
THAT I CAN EXPLAIN.
I COULD CARE LESS
ABOUT THIS STORE,
AND I COULD CARE LESS
ABOUT CUPCAKES,
BUT YOU NOT TRUSTING ME...
HONEY, I TRUST YOU.
IT'S HIM I DON'T TRUST.
THAD.
THIS GUY IS TRYING
TO TEAR US APART.
OH, NO, I THINK YOU'RE DOING
A REALLY GOOD JOB
OF THAT YOURSELF.
FOR YEARS,
I HAVE DREAM ABOUT YOU BEING BACK HOME
AND US BEING HAPPY.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK--
I SOMETIMES THINK
THAT THE REASON
WHY WE'RE STILL TOGETHER
IS BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER HERE.
HONEY,
DON'T EVEN SAY THAT.
I THINK
THAT IT WOULD BE BES IF YOU SLEPT SOMEWHERE ELSE
TONIGHT.
JUST TONIGHT?
NO.
YOUR CAR IS FIXED.
[gentle music]
[knock at door]
- HEY.
- HEY, BUDDY.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME CRASH HERE
TONIGHT.
OH, HEY, NO PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU SURE
YOUR WIFE DOESN'T MIND?
OH, CONSIDERING
SHE'S IN CLEVELAND,
I THINK IT'S FINE.
SHE'S AWAY?
GOING ON SIX YEARS NOW.
SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
OH, I WAS GONNA MENTION I TO YOU,
BUT I DIDN'T WAN TO DISCOURAGE YOU.
WELL, I'M OFFICIALLY
DISCOURAGED.
I REALLY SCREWED UP TODAY.
[indistinct chatter]
HEY, MAN, NO CUTTING.
GET IN THE BACK OF THE LINE.
I KNOW.
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
NAH, NO APOLOGY NECESSARY.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S VERY UNDERSTANDING.
ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S THE BES THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
SINCE THEN, I'VE GO MY MORNING BUSINESS BACK,
PLUS YOURS, NOT TO MENTION
THE MAYOR'S DAUGHTER'S SWEET 16.
- AH.
- [laughs]
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
AND I'LL TAKE A CUPCAKE.
- THANKS.
- THAT'LL BE FIVE BUCKS.
FIVE BUCKS?
ALL IN THE SPIRI OF COMPETITION.
SURE.
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A LITTLE MORE COFFEE?
HEY.
HEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR DOING THIS.
- NO PROBLEM
- APPRECIATE IT.
- JANET.
- MM-HMM.
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT YOU LET HIM
BACK IN THERE.
WELL, HE'S GOT HELP.
HARLEY OWNS THE HARDWARE STORE.
GREAT.
FREE ACCESS TO POWER TOOLS.
THEY'RE TRYING TO HELP.
LOOK, IT'S BETTER
THAN WAITING THREE WEEKS
TO REOPEN, YOU KNOW.
I GUESS.
ANYWAY, GOOD NEWS.
WHAT?
CHANNEL 8 CALLED BACK.
THEY WANT TO DO A PIECE ON YOU.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
- NO.
- OH!
- ISN'T THAT GREAT?
- OH, THAT'S AWESOME!
OH, THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- YES.
- MY PLEASURE.
- YES. YES. YES.
[doorbell rings]
OLLIE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IT'S WEDNESDAY.
FASTER, DAD.
[grunts]
ALL RIGHT, OLLIE.
HOLD ON.
- YEAH?
- SLOW DOWN, BUDDY.
- OKAY.
- [groans]
[exhales]
OOH-KAY.
I'M TIRED.
YOU'RE GETTING
IN SHAPE, BUDDY.
THANKS. IT'S ALL
BECAUSE OF YOUR ROUTINES.
[catching breath]
YOU'RE GOING BACK,
AREN'T YOU?
OH, WHEN YOUR MOM
LETS ME.
I MEAN, BACK TO THE BASE.
YOU'RE NOT RETIRING,
ARE YOU?
WELL, NOTHING'S
BEEN DECIDED YET.
I KNOW I MESSED UP
REALLY BADLY,
BUT I'LL DO MY VERY BES TO MAKE THINGS BETTER, OKAY?
AND THEN YOU'LL LEAVE?
- THAT'S COOL.
- RIGHT?
'CAUSE THEN THEY ALL
KIND OF NEED THE FOOD BASICALLY?
YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M HERE WITH RAY.
YOU LIKE THIS BAKERY,
RAY?
NO, SIR.
I NEVER COME HERE.
- BUT YOU'RE HERE NOW.
- I JUST NEEDED BREAD.
- THE MARKET SELLS BREAD.
- IT'S DAY-OLD BREAD.
YOU'RE FEEDING MY DAUGHTER
DAY-OLD BREAD, RAY?
IT'S FOR THE HALFWAY HOUSE.
YOU AN ADDICT?
I VOLUNTEER THERE, SIR.
WELL, THEN,
IN THAT CASE,
WHY DON'T YOU GET THEM
SOME FRESH BREAD?
THANK YOU, MR. CARSON--
COLONEL, SIR.
THANKS, DAD.
WE'RE NOT FINISHED YET.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
I KNOW
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT,
BUT HARLEY SAYS THAT YOU
CAN REOPEN THIS WEEKEND.
OH.
AND IF YOU NEED ANYBODY
TO HELP, YOU KNOW,
FILL IN UNTIL YOU CAN FIND
A REPLACEMENT FOR SHEILA,
I'D BE HAPPY TO HELP.
THANKS,
BUT I DON'T THINK SO.
OF COURSE.
WHAT?
I WAS JUST THINKING THAT--
YOU WANT US TO STOP?
PINE.
PINE?
YEAH, I NEVER REALLY LIKED
THESE OLD FORMICA COUNTERTOPS
AND...
DO YOU THINK YOU GUYS
COULD PUT IN PINE?
YEAH. SURE.
THANKS.
UM...
SO HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING
FROM THE REVIEW BOARD?
NO, NO, NOT YET.
YOU LOOK--
YOU LOOK REALLY GREAT.
THANKS.
OH, I RAN INTO KIM
AND THE ARM,
YOU KNOW, WHAT'S HIS NAME?
RAY.
THEY SEEM LIKE THEY'RE GETTING
PRETTY SERIOUS.
NO MORE THAN US
AT THAT AGE.
YEAH, BUT WE WERE
MORE RESPONSIBLE, RIGHT?
PROBABLY NOT.
WELL, 'CAUSE IT REALLY SEEMED
LIKE WE WERE.
YEAH.
I GOT TO GO, SO...
JANET, HOW DID YOU GE THE IDEA FOR FOUR STAR BAKERY?
WELL, MY HUSBAND'S
IN THE MILITARY,
- AND MY KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL.
- MM-HMM.
AND I JUST FEL LIKE I WAS ALWAYS WAITING
FOR THE ONES THAT I LOVED
TO COME HOME.
SO I FELT LIKE I NEEDED
TO CREATE A NEW ROLE FOR MYSELF.
CUPCAKES ARE SO HO RIGHT NOW.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
- WELL-- OH, YES.
- OH.
- HERE'S MY CUPCAKES.
- OH, HI.
SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME
THAT YOU CAN'T LOOK AT A CUPCAKE
WITHOUT SMILING, SO...
WELL, I KNOW
THAT I'M SMILING.
- AW.
- AND THAT'S THE NEWS.
THANKS, KAYLA.
THOSE REALLY LOOK GOOD. NOW...
COME ON.
[bat makes contact with ball]
LOOKING GOOD.
- COME ON, GUYS.
- WATCH OUT FOR THE SQUEEZE.
WATCH OU FOR THE SQUEEZE PLAY, GUYS.
- ALL RIGHT.
- THAT'S OKAY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL GET TWO.
WE'LL GET TWO NEXT TIME.
COME ON, MAN.
- LET'S GO, DRAGONS.
- THAT'S IT.
HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD A KID ON THE DRAGONS.
I DON'T.
HE'S ON THE OTHER TEAM.
- STRIKE ONE.
- OH.
- WE'RE IN FIRST PLACE.
- NICE.
THAT'S OKAY, YOU KNOW
WHAT THE STRIKE LOOKS LIKE NOW.
SO CUPCAKES, HUH?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOT IT.
YOU GOT IT.
SHEILA'S?
AH, MINE.
SHEILA WON'T MAKE CUPCAKES
FOR ME.
LISTEN, I'M GOING
TO BE REOPENING
NEXT WEEK
AT 11:00 A.M.
I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GO BACK
TO OUR ORIGINAL AGREEMENT.
YOU CAN OPEN
WHENEVER YOU WANT,
BUT I'M GOING TO CONTINUE
TO MAKE MY CUPCAKES.
AS YOUR HUSBAND SAYS,
IT'S IN THE SPIRI OF COMPETITION.
RIGHT.
MIND IF I SQUEEZE IN HERE?
OH, PLEASE DO.
- THAT'S OKAY.
- THESE LOOK AMAZING.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
YOU CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT A CUPCAKE
WITHOUT SMILING.
OH, YOU SAW THAT?
YES, I DID.
IT WAS GREAT.
- SO WHO MADE THESE?
- I DID.
- [applause]
- REALLY, WHO MADE THEM?
ME. I WAS UP
MOST OF THE NIGHT BAKING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE THESE.
I CAN NEVER GE THE CAMOUFLAGE RIGHT.
WELL, CAMOUFLAGE
IS KIND OF A GUY THING.
ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T REALLY
KNOW THAT ANY MORE.
[chuckles]
[applause]
YOU KNOW, HE ASKED HER
TO THE PROM.
- FANTASTIC.
- HE'S A GOOD KID.
I KNOW. IT'S JUS SHE'S OUR LITTLE GIRL.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I HAVE A HARD TIME TOO.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
AND SHE'S GOING
TO BE OFF TO COLLEGE SOON.
AND THEN OLLIE AND--
I THINK THAT'S WHY MY BUSINESS
IS SO IMPORTANT,
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL GOING
TO BE GONE,
AND I'M JUST GOING TO DISAPPEAR,
YOU KNOW.
WHY WOULD YOU
EVER THINK THAT?
BECAUSE I'M A 40-YEAR-OLD MOM
AND WIFE,
AND WHERE AM I GOING
TO BE IN TEN YEARS?
NO, I'M GOING TO BE ALONE,
GRIFF.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE GENERAL,
AND THEY'LL BE GONE.
IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH,
AND THE TIGERS AND DRAGONS
ARE TIED, ONE TO ONE.
NEXT UP FOR THE DRAGONS,
NUMBER 11, OLIVER CARSON.
- COME ON!
- YEAH! WHOO!
LET'S GO, OLLIE.
COME ON, BUDDY.
- GO, OLLIE.
- LET'S GO, OLLIE.
GO, OLLIE!
COME ON, OLLIE.
COME ON!
[cheers and applause]
YOU GOT IT, BUD.
OOH, THIS IS BIG.
- STRIKE ONE.
- OH.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
[cheers and applause]
LET'S GO, BUDDY.
STRIKE TWO.
[crowd groans]
IT'S OKAY, OLLIE.
IT'S OKAY, BUDDY.
HERE WE GO, BUD.
LET'S GO, OLLIE, LET'S GO!
[stamping]
LET'S GO, OLLIE, LET'S GO!
COME ON, BUDDY, COME ON NOW.
COME ON.
COME ON, LET'S GO, DRAGONS.
[cheers and applause]
- YES!
- GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
SAFE.
[cheers and applause]
AND THE DRAGONS WIN,
TWO TO ONE,
ON OLIVER CARSON'S
ONE-RUN HOMER.
WAY TO GO.
THAT WAS AWESOME. NO WAY.
- SO GOOD.
- OH, HO!
LET'S HAVE A BIG ROUND
OF APPLAUSE
FOR OUR DIVISION TWO TIGERS.
GREAT JOB, FELLAS.
GREAT SEASON.
- THAT WAS AMAZING.
- FANTASTIC.
HE JUST--
HE LEAPT RIGHT OVER THE GUY.
YEAH.
HI.
YIKES.
HONEY, I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE
EVER ACTUALLY EVER SAID THIS
TO YOU OUT LOUD,
BUT I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.
THANK YOU.
COME HERE.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.
THAT WAS FANTASTIC, BUDDY!
ALL THAT HARD WORK PAID OFF!
YOU JUST-- VROOM.
HEY, WE SHOULD ALL CELEBRATE,
OKAY?
WE SHOULD GO OVER
AND GET SOME BURGERS AT ANGEL'S.
THAT'S STILL THE PLACE,
RIGHT?
UM, ANGEL'S IS NO LONGER
IN BUSINESS.
AND THE TEAM'S TAKING ME
TO PIZZA.
- OH.
- BUT THANKS FOR THE OFFER.
- YEAH.
- BYE, GUYS. LOVE YOU.
YUP.
AND I GOT TO MEET THAD
AT THE NEW STORE. I'M SORRY.
NO. NO WORRIES.
WE'LL DO IT ANOTHER TIME.
YEAH.
OKAY.
SO YOU GOT TURNED DOWN
BY EVERYBODY ELSE, HUH?
WHERE'S RAY AND HIS ARM?
HE'S RESTING HIS ARM UP
FOR OUR DATE LATER.
HE'S GONNA BE RESTING I IN A CAST IF HE'S NOT CAREFUL.
- LOOK AT THAT.
- WOW, THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S NICE.
HARLEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YOU'RE WELCOME, MAN.
WE DID IT.
THE PLACE LOOKS FANTASTIC.
HEY, LISTEN,
I'M GOING TO TAKE OFF.
ARE YOU COMING OVER TONIGHT?
YEAH. YEAH.
I'LL BE THERE.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE
THIS PLACE PERFECT.
I HAVE A FEW
LITTLE FINISHING TOUCHES.
YOU GO FOR IT, MAN.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
YEAH. THANKS.
OKAY. MAKE THIS QUICK.
FINE.
HIS CUPCAKES SUCK.
YOU KNOW IT,
I KNOW IT.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE ME,
BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME.
THIS IS ABOUT JANET.
JUST TELL ME WHAT IT WOULD TAKE
TO GET YOU TO COME BACK.
YOU BUY ME
A NEW ICING GUN.
DONE.
AND YOU APOLOGIZE.
ON YOUR KNEES.
THAT LAST ONE MIGHT BE
A BIT OF A PROBLEM.
YOU WANT ME
TO COME BACK?
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY,
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
SH--
- [cell phone beeps]
- I'M WAITING.
[sighs]
SHEILA, I APOLOGIZE
FOR ANYTHING
THAT I HAVE EVER SAID
OR DONE THAT OFFENDED YOU.
I AM VERY SORRY,
I APOLOGIZE,
AND WILL YOU PLEASE
COME BACK?
[cell phone beeps]
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
THERE'S ANY CHANCE
THAT YOU MIGHT ERASE THAT?
NOT A CHANCE.
AND, FOR THE RECORD,
I DON'T DISLIKE YOU ANY MORE
THAN I DISLIKE ANYBODY ELSE.
18TH TO-- YEAH.
- HI.
- HI.
WE SHOULD CELEBRATE.
YOU KNOW?
THERE YOU GO.
TO...
NEW BEGINNINGS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, COME ON,
WE WORKED HARD FOR THIS.
I JUST NEVER THOUGH I'D CELEBRATE ANYTHING
WITHOUT GRIFF.
WELL, HE'S GOT HIMSELF
TO BLAME.
JUST NEVER MADE
ANY ROOM FOR HIM.
I JUST EXPECTED HIM
TO FIT INTO OUR LIVES,
AND I'VE BEEN SO BUSY
BUILDING ALL OF THIS
APART FROM HIM.
WELL, YOU'VE GROWN,
AND HE HASN'T.
YOU KNOW, I HATE TO BE THE ONE
TO SAY THIS,
BUT WHAT DO YOU GUYS
HAVE IN COMMON ANYMORE?
WHOA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW ATTRACTED
I AM TO YOU.
I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE'RE DOING HERE?
WORKING.
COME ON.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY.
NO.
[door opens and slams shut]
[dialing]
[dialing]
[phone rings]
HELLO?
ARE YOU AWAKE?
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL YOU.
I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU WANTED
TO COME WITH ME
TO HARLEY'S PARTY TOMORROW.
WELCOME TO THE OAKS.
WOW.
THANKS.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WOW, YOU DID ALL THIS?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
HARLEY'S BEEN A GOOD FRIEND.
AND THIS IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL
FOR HIM.
- UH-HUH.
- HE BROUGHT SOMEBODY.
- OH.
- YEAH.
HEY, THERE'S HARLEY.
HARLEY,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY.
HEY, CARSON.
[chuckles]
ALL RIGHT.
TAKE IT EASY.
HI, HARLEY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
OH, JANET. THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- THANK YOU.
- HEY, LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.
I GOT TO-- I GOT TO-- I GO TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY GAL.
[laughs]
OKAY.
- WOW.
- HE'S VERY EXCITED.
YEAH.
- OH, HI.
- THIS IS PAULA.
HI.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
AND CARSON.
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU
OFFICIALLY.
RAY'S MOM.
- YES, MA'AM.
- NICE TO SEE YOU.
[laughter]
- HEY, MAMA.
- HI.
MWAH.
HARLEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAN.
- HEY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- HI.
- MRS. CARSON.
- YEAH.
- YOU LOOK VERY NICE.
- THANK YOU.
SIR.
YEAH, I USED TO HAVE
TO CALL HIM "SIR" MYSELF.
LET'S GO. COME ON.
- OKAY.
- LET'S HAVE A DRINK.
OH. OKAY.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
MAY I GET THAT?
SURE.
OH.
I HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY.
- OH.
- LET ME-- I HAVE GOT TO GO.
LADIES. LADIES.
JUST GO EASY
ON THE SHRIMP, PLEASE.
OH, YOU.
YOU KIDDER, MR. HANDSOME.
- HE'S SUCH A SILLY BOY.
- LOOK AT YOU.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU GUYS LOOK FANTASTIC.
- WELL, THANK YOU, CARSON.
- THANK YOU.
I-- I AM VERY SORRY.
I APOLOGIZE.
OH, NO.
SEE, HE GETS ON HIS KNEES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY
WENT DOWN ON HIS KNEES.
OOH. NOT AT ALL.
YEAH.
WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT.
WHAT, YOU'VE SEEN IT?
IT'S ALL OVER THE INTERNET.
EXCUSE ME.
[laughter]
OH, I SO NEEDED THIS.
I SO NEEDED THIS.
WELL, EXCUSE ME.
APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING
THAT I HAVE EVER SAID...
[laughter]
IT WAS A TACTICAL RETREAT.
YOUR CUPCAKE RACK.
WILL YOU PLEASE COME BACK?
HEY, KIDS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, WE HEARD
THERE'S FREE FOOD.
WE RAISED 'EM WELL.
YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT THE VIEW.
YOU OLDIES
LIKE THAT KIND OF THING, RIGHT?
YES, WE OLDIES
LIKE THAT KIND OF THING.
OKAY?
DOES THIS MEAN
I GET MY COUCH BACK?
I'VE FOUGHT A LOT OF BATTLES,
BUT NEVER ONE QUITE LIKE THIS.
ALL I REALLY WANNA SAY
IS THAT I LOVE YOU...
AND I CAN'T LOSE YOU.
YOU'VE MADE ME THE MAN
THAT I AM.
I NEVER GAVE YOU MUCH
OF A WEDDING 18 YEARS AGO,
AND I HOPE
IT ISN'T TOO LATE.
NO, IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
[cheers and applause]
WHOO!
YEAH!
SHEILA IS FIGHTING
WITH THE SUPPLIER AGAIN.
ARE YOU SURE IT WAS
A GOOD IDEA TO HIRE HER
TO RUN THE OTHER STORE?
PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE HER.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW.
[cell phone buzzes]
- HONEY.
- HERE YOU GO, SIR.
HONEY, CAN YOU GRAB THIS?
I'M BUZZING RIGHT HERE.
- OH, SORRY. SORRY.
- THANK YOU.
CARSON'S PHONE,
THIS IS JANET.
JANET, IT'S GENERAL BROWN.
IS CARSON AVAILABLE?
OH, YES, HE'S HERE--
OF COURSE, HE'S RIGHT HERE.
HOLD ON.
UH, IT'S THE GENERAL.
[clears throat]
AFTERNOON, GENERAL.
YES, SIR.
SO WHAT'D HE SAY?
I MADE BRIGADIER GENERAL.
OF COURSE YOU DID.
OH, MY GOSH.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
SO PROUD OF YOU.
THAT'S GREAT.
SO HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE?
- TODAY.
- TODAY.
YOU'RE A DIFFERENT MAN
THAN THE ONE THAT CAME HOME.
[duffel bag falls
to the ground]
WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT?
I TURNED DOWN THE COMMISSION.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I'M GONNA SEE YOU GUYS
EVERY SINGLE DAY...
- WHAT?
- FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
- OH, MY GOSH. WOW.
- THAT'S SO AWESOME.
I LOVE YOU, OH.
- I LOVE YOU.
- OH, MY GOSH.
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
LET SOMEBODY ELSE BE
A GENERAL, OKAY?
I WANNA BE AN ENLISTED MAN
RIGHT HERE AT HOME.
AWESOME.
[laughs]
THERE HE IS.
- OH.
- HEY, HARLEY.
ALL RIGHT. I'M TAKING EVERYBODY
ON A PICNIC.
- LET'S GO.
- REALLY?
OLLIE, GET THE DOOR.
I GOT ALL THE PICNIC SUPPLIES
RIGHT IN HERE, COME ON.
HARLEY, CAN I DRIVE?
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
- THANK YOU.
- OH, MY GOD.
WHOO-HOO!
I'M IN SHOCK.
HURRY UP, OLLIE.
OKAY, COME ON.
THANK YOU, BUDDY.
OH.
[dog barking]
EVERYBODY HAVE
THEIR SEATBELTS ON?
GO, GO, GO, GO.
- YUP. GREAT.
- GOT MY SEATBELT.
I GOT IT.
- RELAX, HONEY.
- OH.
JUST TAKE IT EASY.
GIVE IT A LITTLE BIT OF GAS.
THERE YOU GO.
OKAY, NOW,
JUST KEEP GOING
STRAIGHT DOWN
FOR THREE BLOCKS...