John F. Kennedy:
The very word "secrecy" is repugnant
in a free and open society.
Lyndon B. Johnson:
All I have I would have given gladly
not to be standing here today.
Kennedy:
...opposed to secret societies.
Richard Nixon: But when the president
does it, that means that it is not illegal.
Lyndon B. Johnson: The world
will not be the same for our children.
Gerald Ford: You have not chosen me
by secret ballot.
Ronald Reagan:
We welcome change.
We believe that freedom...
George Bush Sr:
I thank you for the wonderful things
that you have done for America.
Bill Clinton: Never before
has our nation enjoyed at once
so much prosperity
and social progress...
George W. Bush: The brightest beacon
for freedoms and opportunity in the world
and no one will keep
that light from shining.
Barack Obama took the railroad
from Philadelphia
to Washington today.
And it's not just the folks along the way
who were cheering him on.
A "CBS News"-"New York Times"
poll out this evening
says 79% of Americans are optimistic
about his new administration.
That's the highest level
for any modern president.
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I sit here?
- All the other tables are full.
- No. Go right ahead.
I wish it was Sunday.
How do I know for sure
you are who I think you are?
Well, for one, we were
just speaking in code.
And two...
I currently have a Para Carry 9mm
pointed squarely at your crotch.
I'm High Priestess.
Nice to meet you.
- Well well well.
- Meet Chariot.
Your new boss.
Uh, wait are all you guys
- named after Tarot cards?
- Yeah.
Dumb fuckin' idea
if you ask me.
- It's not that bad.
- Jesus.
Great. One more goofy fuck.
That's all we need.
So you're some master thief
or something, huh?
- I wouldn't say master thief...
- I tried to read your file
but it bored the shit out of me.
"Thomas Crown" without the pussy.
Where'd you steal that suit?
Marshall's?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Don't even answer that question.
I got a kidney stone
passing through me right now.
And I don't want to murder you
on your first day.
Uh, okay. So do I get
to pick a Tarot card now?
Mmn.
The Fool.
The Fool?
Um, I was under the impression
we could choose our own code names.
- So am I replacing somebody or...
- Strength.
Yeah.
Apparently wasn't strong enough.
When God created Alpha and Omega.
As of this moment you're
officially hired by The Factory...
an elite espionage cell
ostensibly unacknowledged
by the U.S. Government and staffed
by unofficial covert operatives.
The company was created
in 1962 by the DOD and the JCS
for the sole purpose
of false flag operations.
In 1967 LBJ implemented
the two-team system...
- Alpha and Omega.
- For what reason?
To balance the power.
Let's put it this way:
If it weren't for Omega...
- Which is who?
- Us.
- The middle east would be
a cloud of dust right now.
Uh, isn't the middle east
already kind of a cloud of dust?
- He meant literally.
- What does Alpha do?
You know, the usual.
Some president, UN official,
American politician
wants to talk shit about
the military industrial complex,
wants to stop spending $600 billion
on a war with no fucking end,
well, whether it be 1963 or now,
they intervene.
- And that's the least of it.
- And what about us? Omega.
We try to stop them
from bringing forth the apocalypse.
What's the need for any of it?
Don't you guys just negate each other?
Ha ha. Sweet nothing.
The black heart of our democracy.
So does anyone
oversee the two teams?
- The Devil.
- The who?
The Devil. It's not really
as ominous as it sounds.
He's a portly bastard
with manicured nails,
no real field experience
and the sharp wit
of a six-year-old autistic boy.
He's called The Devil because,
you know, it's spooky.
Oh. Company policy.
Boss is afraid one of us is gonna kill him.
Though I could just as easily
snap his neck as shoot him,
it's all for show.
Plus it looks really cool
when we unload our weapons.
Oh, come on, fucking...
who works the Monday morning shift?
Is it Neil?
It's Neil, isn't it?
That fucking...
I once waited here
for 20 minutes.
Oh, come on, people.
Let's go!
Open the door, fuckhead!
Here we go.
Oh, you fucking retard,
open the door.
Open the fucking
door right now.
Who is that?
Get down here.
Get down here 'cause I wanna see
your stupid handicapped fucking face
in front of mine
while I gut you like a fucking piglet.
So get the fuck down here...
Chariot is so drunk
he doesn't even know it's Tuesday.
Are you gonna let him in?
No, let him wait.
It's my favorite time of the day.
I'm gonna eat your fucking heart
and your brain...
I'm gonna fucking
rape your soul.
You have to admit,
he's pretty good at those insults.
Oh, he's an asshole.
I used one the other day
on my ex-wife.
What did you say to her?
Remember when he told you
that he was gonna peel your skin off
and dry it in the sun
and use it as a condom
and fuck your mother?
You said that
to your ex-wife?
Well, I was mad.
You better watch out. She's gonna
end up keeping Bobby all the time.
- Should we let him in?
- I'm gonna snap
- my fucking fingers, okay?
- I guess, yeah.
I hope you die
of testicular cancer.
You fucking mongoloid.
Open the...
oh, thank you.
- Never mind.
- You do this every morning?
No, I drink as much as I do
because every day is Christmas.
All right, so what happens
if that door malfunctions?
How do we get out?
You don't.
Shut the door, bitch.
You live in a barn?
Rude.
You wanna do
the introductions?
No, my fucking feet hurt.
Great, I'll do it.
Thank you. I'll keep talking.
If we're heading up Omega Team,
Emperor spent over
See that Cro-Magnon fuck
right there?
That's Judgement.
Deals solely with IT and Demolitions.
A real piece of work.
The rest of his energy's
spent saying shit like,
"It's Judgement time, baby."
But he can take down
a 747 using only his iPhone.
Basically,
he's like a black MacGyver,
but without the fancy mullet.
Hey!
Where the fuck is Alpha Team?
Shit, man.
Something's up.
Empress walked in here
and the skirt wrapped up her hips
like a motherfucking ligature.
Now the last time
she donned an outfit
so damn libidinous
was the day they whacked
Benazir Bhutto.
Who's Empress?
Who the fuck are you?
L... I um...
You're about as smooth
as a three-month-old bikini wax.
Yeah, he is.
He's endearingly retarded.
I love you.
Ah, Alpha Team!
Whee!
That's Magician.
Alpha's econo-terrorist.
Let me just tell you this.
The reason the third world
is still the third world
is 'cause of that asshole.
CD of Alpha Team occupies
my slot on the other side.
His work in Florida in 2000
really put him on the map.
Queen of Spades.
That's Tower.
Our youngest recruit,
straight out of college.
No-sock-loafer-wearing
Georgetown-educated-black-Republican,
most likely still a virgin.
Not a fan of Osama.
Hierophant...
conceived in the bowels
of a megachurch laboratory.
Giggly, cute,
fucking nut.
Watch out.
Very dramatic.
Watch this. That was for us.
She knows we're watching.
Nice.
All right, everybody's back
from Virginia and accounted for.
Check it out.
It's all over the news.
Government authorities
have no further comment
about the warehouse fire
that killed three civilians
and an unidentified fourth man,
whose name has not
been released.
Apparently that's where all
the Cheney death squad files are kept.
Yeah, I told you that.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- When?
- Two weeks ago.
...to the adjacent parking lot.
Authorities have confirmed
that the cause of the fire
was an explosion that occurred
because of a gas leak.
Gas leak, right.
The warehouse,
dubbed a safe house
by the Department of Defense,
was a storage facility
for government documents
reaching back 50 years.
Look, Empress, we all know
Project Safe House was messy.
Messy?
You think it was messy?
I talked to Emperor.
I talked to Chariot.
What do you want me say?
Nothing. You look too fucking good
with your mouth closed.
- Come on.
- Let me tell you something, Devil.
We, I,
this entire fucking office
can smell pussy
right where pussy sits.
Glad to see menopause
hasn't affected your mood.
Yeah, and I don't have to worry
about getting pregnant anymore, either.
Yeah, what?
Oh, wow! Look at you.
You vixen.
What are you,
entering a slut contest?
Why don't you find
a nice little bathroom stall
to go fuck yourself in?
All right, all right,
language, please.
- Is this the new addition to Omega?
- Yeah.
Wow! What was wrong
with the redhead?
She was nice.
She was tall, stately, affable.
No, she was nice.
Way to welcome
the new boy, asshole.
I was gonna let the walls
of your vagina do that.
What's that awful smell?
Did you just shit yourself again?
- Come on, come on, come on.
- I'm wearing a diaper.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You fucking reek.
Yeah. Oh, by the way,
this 50-year-old firecracker...
- 49.
- 49-year-old firecracker right here...
- Well, I am 49
- I get it, okay?
This is the Empress.
Most notorious agent
never knew anything about.
Currently the exec
of Alpha Team.
Be a gentleman.
Introduce yourself, come on.
The Fool, I'm a...
Charmed, I'm sure.
And there's the Devil.
Pleasure to meet you
too, sir.
I'm sorry about the redhead.
No need to worry.
We'll get you a little wig.
Anyway, come over here.
I wanna show you something.
Now this, my friend,
it's a rather rare item.
It was awarded to me
for a little job I did in Prague
- a couple of decades back.
- You oversaw, sir...
a job you oversaw.
Oversaw. Semantics,
you know, this is just semantics.
I mean, I just prefer
that my accomplishments resonate
in a more tangible...
Something's not right.
The Devil's acting weird,
even for him.
I know.
I heard he has a thing
for phone sex.
He's been calling 1-900 numbers
on Uncle Sam's dime?
- No, it's someone he knows.
- What?
I accidentally overhead a call.
- Carl.
- I know. I know.
I wonder who it is.
She sounds Slovakian.
So I keep that
as a reminder of my 12 co-workers.
Oh, and as a little reminder
of teamwork.
What are you laughing at?
What did I just say?
- Teamwork, sir.
- You see, no one questioned authority.
Hey, Carl, look.
No one questioned
the decisions of management.
Each one of us did our job,
because to do otherwise...
What the hell
are you doing, old man?
Is that thing loaded?
Oh! Fucking nutbag.
He is just out
of his mind.
Now...
It's a good thing that
this baby hasn't been fired
in a hundred years.
Otherwise, well, my brains
would just be on the carpet.
- Yes!
- Sorry to bother. I just...
Was...
Do you find sometimes
a pregnant pause
- just says it all?
- Yes, sir, the tension's palpable.
I'm hot.
Yes. Yes.
Do you care to fill us in?
- Me and...
- Temperance.
Temperance, we...
- Trained together.
- Right.
Oh, I love to train.
- A couple of years ago.
- Right, a couple of years ago.
Well, let's hope that
fluorescent lighting
will rekindle your romance,
but we have a briefing
in 30 minutes, 10:10.
Leave.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Hey! We'll talk.
- You gonna order out today?
- Did you just vomit in your mouth?
Man, Temperance is hot
to trot, my man.
She's built
like a fucking thoroughbred. Uhh!
Body is a well-oiled machine.
I want the details, dude,
all the fucking details.
There's nothing to be said.
We dated. We broke up.
Dude, I don't give a shit
about your relationship.
I wanna know
what she's like in bed.
Man, what do her
insides feel like? Tell me.
All right, look,
let's just leave it, okay, all right?
- Okay.
- What does she do here anyway?
Seduction mostly.
I mean, yeah, she gathers a little intel
after the deed is done,
but mostly she just
fucks dudes.
All right, well, who?
- Which ones?
- Oh my God.
You ever heard of Bill Clinton?
- Oh, you're kidding.
- Yeah, fucked that guy.
Vladimir Putin
put it in her bum.
That's what I hear.
- She fucked Putin?
- That's what I heard.
She wasn't working.
She just did that.
Okay, all right.
- Ever heard of the Dalai Lama?
- Yeah.
Relax, she's fucked
a lot of old dudes in the ass.
- Okay, all right, all right.
- Everywhere. Mao.
Now leave it alone.
- In the face.
- Okay, all right, leave it.
Voil.
That's French.
Am I smaller
than everyone else is?
And there's a column
in the middle.
Yeah, well,
it's 'cause it's your first day.
And you're a fucking loser.
Who the hell is this guy?
His background data file
is corrupted. I can't open it.
Call Susan in Human Resources.
Have her send some guy down
with a hard copy
of his file.
- You call Susan.
- You call her.
- You call her. You call her.
- You call her.
Just be a man and call her.
- I think you're afraid of her.
- I think you're afraid of her too.
Well, no shit.
She freaks me out.
I'll call her.
Thank you, Neil.
I'll tell you right now,
Empress is planning something.
She's been talking to Corporate.
I know that.
What does that even mean?
I just don't trust her.
Safe House went south.
Corporate's livid. That's a big deal.
Well, Safe House
wasn't our fault.
The outside hire screwed it
and we're not to blame.
I say we watch her
and we watch Alpha Team.
I got a bad feeling
about this.
You sure that's just
the DTs talking?
I'm still drunk,
so it can't be the DTs.
There you go.
You corrected me.
Excuse me, Tower.
Do you know where
the meeting is today?
You're bewilderment level
is here.
It should come down
to there.
Cool?
Putin?
- What? What are you talking about?
- You slept with Putin?
Really?
Is this who you've become?
- Go to hell.
- Oh, really?
- I thought I knew you.
- We don't exactly work at Walmart.
Deception comes
with the territory and plus,
what the fuck
do you think you're doing here?
- What am I doing here?
- Is this your plan?
Is this some kind
of sick plot?
- No.
- Huh?
No.
Barack Obama: I thank President Bush
for his service to our nation.
As well as the generosity...
Oh, God damn it! Now the entire
surveillance system has a bug.
We're gonna crash.
Just reboot the system.
- Are your legs broken?
- No, but come on, I'll do it.
- I'll do it. I'll be happy to do it.
- Okay, well, chop-chop.
You better pray that we
didn't lose anything on the hard drive.
Are you blaming this on me?
No, I'm just saying I hope
we didn't lose anything.
Well, I hope we didn't
lose anything, either, Carl.
Well, good, Neil.
Then we're all in agreement.
Yeah, come in.
What do you want?
I knew it would be you.
All right, it's half up.
Jesus, why's it so slow?
He's good. He's good,
but that black-haired girl.
When she sang that
Captain & Tennille song last night,
I was floored.
I just had to vote for her.
- You vote?
- Every single frickin' time.
I love that show.
I love it too.
I like that guy Enrique.
Now Enrique,
he's good.
I would have voted for him.
I would have given him a 10
if I was a judge.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Did your
mother put mercury in your milk bottle?
Baby, you keep talking
to me like that,
I'm gonna pound you
with my gavel.
The fat part
or the skinny part?
Oh, God.
Are we waiting for something
to happen here, huh, Chariot?
Ah! Finger, finger, finger,
finger, finger,
Where is the Devil?
It's 10:17 already.
I'll go find him. Be back
in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
The Hermit,
we're missing the Hermit.
Back online.
Oh, fuck!
Someone crashed the system
on purpose.
Does that alarm mean
what I think it means?
Project Endgame.
Fuck.
Carl, he's dead.
Well well well,
and pencils too.
Nicely sharpened, not bad.
What the fuck happened here?
This must be the work
of the Hermit.
- Oh, shit.
- What?
He activated
Project Endgame.
Sorry, what?
Project Endgame
is The Factory's be-all,
end-all contingency device.
It activates a physical
and communicative lockdown
before setting a timer
that will vaporize this place
at the end of two hours.
I guess Judgement Day
is upon us.
Oh my God. We get it.
Your name is Judgement.
Hey, you know what?
You guys have been great.
- I'm gonna go drink myself to death.
- Shut the fuck up, Chariot!
Chug my cock.
Why would the bomb be on
a timer when the whole place
is locked down and nobody can get out?
Doesn't make sense.
Well, the man in charge
had access to some emergency exits.
That's the rumor anyways.
The timer gave him a chance to collect
his things and tie up any loose ends.
- Man, this is bullshit.
- No movement recorded
in the elevators
in the last hour.
Oh my God. That means
that the killer is among us.
What about the surveillance tapes?
There's no way to review 'em from here.
They go directly to Corporate.
Who gives a shit?
We're gonna die. Let's all fuck!
Well, can we disarm it?
- I would assume.
- None of us has the code.
- Of course.
- Where would it be?
How many fucking questions
are you gonna ask?
God damn it!
Can we just deal with the situation?
Thank you, Temperance.
We've all seen far worse than this.
Back to the conference room.
Today's staff meeting
means something a little different.
Do you think we're safe?
Yes, we're safe.
We're safe.
We're not down there.
I'm glad we're up here.
Sorry, assholes.
Priority one is a top to bottom sweep
of this facility.
We're looking for hollow walls,
secret doorways,
tunnels and-or elevators.
Secondly,
we need to find Hermit.
He knew this place
better than anyone.
I'm sure he had
an escape route.
Who's the Hermit?
Hermit used
to do assassinations
until he got diabetes.
Fat fuck.
He's a good agent, though.
Sounds like one
of the only people you respect.
No, I'm just afraid of him.
I'm gonna find that little
gummy ass bitch, and when I do,
I'm gonna blow his ass up.
Good to hear your enthusiasm,
Judgement.
I say we pair up,
one Alpha, one Omega.
I agree.
We each pair up with our mirror agent
on the opposing team.
Keep an eye on each other.
Alpha and Omega are working
together on this one.
Keep in mind the Hermit
is an incredibly skilled agent.
If you need a weapon,
you can commandeer anything
you can find
in and around the office.
The most powerful weapon
is the human soul on fire.
Oh my God.
Motherfucker,
did you just quote Nietzsche?
Finally! We've been
calling you for 10 minutes.
- Calm down, calm down.
- They activated Project Endgame.
Buck up.
I was on a phone call.
- What do you mean "buck up"?
- Shut up!
My God, you two.
There's the file
on the new recruit, aka the Fool.
He's nobody. What happened?
You couldn't get into the mainframe?
No, it wouldn't let us.
That is so odd.
Let me try my security code.
- Did you reboot?
- Of course.
Hmm. Hmm.
Look at that.
Very clever.
What do you mean?
Secret Service changes
the security codes today at noon.
Now it doesn't matter.
They'll all burn
in a flood of napalm.
Poor psychopaths.
This is about Safe House.
It was Devil's operation.
He fucked up. He's fucked up before.
The Factory's never been squeamish
about civilian casualties.
However, Corporate
has never been fond
of loose ends,
and Safe House had
plenty of those.
You know,
before you opened your mouth,
I actually entertained
the possibility of fucking you one last time.
It was that fleeting, huh?
I know.
It's unfortunate, right?
- It's too bad.
- Yeah.
Hey, you remember that night
in London
when it was raining?
You were wearing
those high heels.
We were walking down
the cobblestone streets
and a fog rolled in
and we ducked down
that alley?
One of us didn't finish.
Yeah,
you didn't finish.
I think it was...
You killed the Devil,
didn't you?
Oh!
- Ew! Ew!
- Oh!
- Oh.
- Oh my God!
Jesus Christ,
I know they hate each other,
but what the fuck?
Let me ask you a question.
Skin like a porcelain mug
full of lactate.
Nipples...
size of a baby's fingernails.
What's the question?
You be the judge.
Can I ask you a question?
I'm nine and a half.
Uncut.
Ew! No!
I was gonna ask if, like,
you believe in heaven and hell,
and all that stuff.
Okay, I'm gonna
check these files.
You check these bookshelves. Look for
any clues as to what the phrase may be.
Where the answer is yes,
we intend to move forward.
Where the answer is no,
programs will end.
And those of us who manage
the public's dollars
will be held to account
and do our business
in the light of day
because only then can we restore
the vital trust
between a people
and their government.
Can you believe this?
all in one room.
I bet you half of these
are from the past eight years.
I don't see why we have to
stand by and watch a country
befall to Communism due
to the irresponsibility of its people.
Do you ever wonder
if you've chosen the right profession?
Right.
I mean, I feel like I have
some pretty serious skills.
I'm highly organized.
I'm motivated.
I'm attractive.
I am.
I could be running
News Corp right now.
Or I could be a chef.
Or a sous chef.
You know, instead,
I kill people for a living,
and you know, I don't know.
I feel like I might have made
a bad career choice.
You know what I mean?
Tower?
It's a hollow area.
You hear that?
No, my ears are shot.
I'm going right through the wall.
Let me see that leg.
Oh, God!
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
What is happening?
Judgement,
I kind of sort of
have to confess something to you.
The real reason that
I asked you
about heaven and all that stuff
is because I totally knew
this time was coming.
And really makes me upset
that you haven't accepted Christ
as your lord and savior.
Because I think you're,
like, really sweet
and I just don't wanna think
of you melting
in Satan's lake of fire
for all eternity.
I mean, that's just
fucking depressing, you know?
So, like,
do you wanna take
these last couple of seconds
to accept Christ as your
lord and savior?
What? I can't...
I can't...
What? I can't...
I can't believe I once
applied for his job.
What?
Five years ago,
I applied to join Omega.
Were you too crazy?
No, not crazy enough.
On the third interview,
they make you kill a puppy.
You mean all those
people killed puppies?
I couldn't do it.
I could kill a cat.
Tower.
Tower.
You know, I was just thinking.
Remember that time we drove down
to Bethany Beach
and you wouldn't get
on the ferris wheel?
I kept begging you
and begging you
to where you started to scream
so loudly that those cops showed up
on those little scooters.
You remember that?
What are you,
getting all sentimental?
No.
No, I was just thinking about it.
That's all.
I guess I was
thinking that you're
a lot more confident
than you used to be.
Well, maybe I am.
That's a gun?
You have a gun?
Firing pin, cartridge, primer,
end cap.
Bang bang, cowboy.
It's very funny.
You've grown up too,
you know?
You lost that stupid grin
of yours.
Maybe that's because I'm looking
at you right now thinking about
in an hour,
none of this will matter.
Yeah, and if
you knew for sure
that there was no escape,
how would you spend
that last hour?
- Honestly?
- Honestly.
Bang.
You're dead.
That's hilarious.
Hey, just out of curiosity,
what happened to you?
I mean, when I first got here,
you were the shit.
I wanted to be you.
Now, you know,
you're like...
I don't know.
You're borderline homeless.
You're a fucking deadbeat.
Yeah, well,
look on the bright side.
My poetry's
really coming along.
Oh, okay, so everything is
just a joke for you, right?
Does that make you
feel better?
No.
No, it doesn't.
You know, Chariot,
always wondered,
who would win a fight
between you and me?
First, I'm gonna take those
fucking scissors from you.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
I might throw 'em down
the air duct.
I can't wait to see that.
Ahh!
Ha.
Then I'm gonna beat you to death
with my bare fucking fists.
Oh!
What's going on
with the scissors?
Where are they?
Keep your eye on the scissors.
There they are, right there.
All right, scratch that.
Sure you don't wanna concede?
I guess you killed
the Devil, huh?
- I didn't kill the Devil.
- So what's this then?
Little baby dick
grew some balls?
Just orders, man.
Just following orders.
Your subservience
will be the death of you.
Hey, check this out.
Why was the Devil killed?
Somebody had to take responsibility
for Safe House.
- Who killed him?
- Temperance.
Aha-ha,
sneaky little bitch.
Ow!
Pussy.
Oh, no, hang on.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh my God.
What happened?
Tower.
- Tower.
- This heretic on our native soil.
Tow...
Isn't Comm closed?
You might need those,
motherfucker. Let's go!
Get him! Get him!
Really?
Get the fuck off.
I'm gonna find a way out
of here.
Fuck.
Do you think now
that I'm single,
someone like Temperance
would ever date me?
Not unless you pay for it.
Listen to this.
Yes, my darling,
I want you
to fuck me right now.
Oh, you are a naughty girl.
- I'm going to have to spank you.
- I told you.
That's the Devil having
phone sex.
Yeah,
but who's the woman?
Spank me, Satan.
You look guilty.
What are you children up to?
Just getting everything back
in order.
Yeah...
It was out of order,
and so we're just concentrating
on trying to get it back...
- Back in order.
- Yeah.
Shit! Fuck!
Are you all right?
You okay?
I'm never gonna see
her face again.
Who? Who?
Just she was
always there for me.
Hierophant, who?
Who was there?
Penny. Penny.
I just wanted to say goodbye to her.
Who's Penny, Hierophant?
She had the most beautiful
yellow eyes you'd ever seen.
Are you talking
about a fucking cat?
You don't listen to me.
I'm from a small town.
My life was not supposed
to turn out like...
This fucking place is gonna blow.
We need to find a way out of here.
Listen to me.
- Listen to me! Listen to me!
- We've gotta get the fuck out of...
Stay there.
Stay there.
Ha!
Fuck you! Fuck!
Fuck!
I don't think we've met.
You think that's unworthy
of a response?
You're the Hermit?
Okay, I see.
Oh, I see.
To think I was gonna come
shake your hand.
You fucker!
Oh my God!
Shit!
Fuck!
Ha.
Ew!
She's already fucking dead!
Are you fucking done?
She's fucking dead!
Are you in any way
turned on by this?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I know. Me, neither.
It is gross.
She's fucking dead!
- Now I'm done.
- Fuck!
Well, are you gonna come out
from under her or what?
How the fuck do I know
you're not gonna hurt me?
I found something.
I need your help.
Unless it's a way out of here,
then fuck you.
- I'm very happy here.
- Well, I think maybe.
Oh, really?
Oh, fuck.
Get the fuck off me,
you psycho bitch.
How about you explain to me
what the fuck is going on.
Keep your voice down.
I will not hesitate to kill you.
All right, fine,
but what the fuck is going on?
You never knew
when to stop talking, did you?
- You wanna get into it?
- No, I don't.
Cassie, listen to me.
Don't fucking call me that.
You have no right
to call me that.
You don't know me.
You don't care about me.
- Oh, come on.
- Hey!
Let me tell you something.
Every single moment
that I ever spent with you is over
and done and gone.
It's as if I read it
in a dime store novella
because honestly,
it feels like it never happened.
It's just information.
Nothing more.
Do you fucking understand me?
Yeah, but you're lying.
You wanna know how I know?
'Cause you never
broke eye contact,
which means you really wanted me
to believe it, because if it were true,
Cassie,
you wouldn't give a fuck.
Never address me
by my real name again.
Because I will kill you.
You are still hot.
The fucking Hermit hasn't
left the bunker since election day.
Have you thought about what happens
if we don't find a way out of here?
What happens
is the bomb explodes.
Well, yeah, obviously.
- Then what's your fucking question?
- I don't know.
God.
I don't know.
I can't imagine
not waking up tomorrow, you know?
I can.
All right, well, never mind.
Six dead so far.
- Three from each team.
- Jesus.
No, don't,
she's on our team!
Drop the fucking weapon!
Shut the fuck up!
- She's on our fucking side.
- The fuck she is.
I'm not here
to kill you.
- She killed the Devil.
- No, just let me explain.
You got 10 seconds before I put
a memo spike in your fucking brain stem.
It's a little more complicated
than 10 seconds.
- You better start talking then, huh?
- Okay.
We were called in
early this morning.
Corporate has spoken.
The Omega gets eliminated now.
Jesus Christ,
this is just my luck.
On my first fucking day.
Well, there may be a reason
as to why you were called in today.
- Like what?
- I don't know.
I'm just saying I somehow doubt
this was all just a coincidence.
So you knew?
- You knew you had to kill me?
- What?
You fucking heard me.
When we first saw each other today,
in this office,
did you or did you not already
know that you had to kill me?
Who cares?
I didn't kill you.
Answer the fucking question,
Cassie.
- Cassie. Your name's Cassie?
- Shut up, Chariot.
I need to know.
Did they give you a photo?
- Did you really want to know?
- Yes, I need...
Yes!
I knew I was gonna kill you.
I saw your picture,
and I knew I was gonna kill you.
Let me go!
Fuck.
That's some heavy shit, huh?
Honeymoon's over.
What about the bomb, huh?
I didn't see that coming.
Oh, good work.
I basically signed
my own death warrant
when I decided
to hack up Hierophant,
so do you think
you can take that
as an apology of sorts
and move on?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Interested in this?
Okay.
- Shut up
- 35.
Fool is "Eric Allen Gaines,
born in New York,
November 3, 1976,
of British parents,
dual citizenship in the U.K."
Hmm. I thought he
was hiding an accent.
You can tell.
Dual citizenship?
The Factory would never hire somebody
with dual citizenship.
Well, they'd never do a lot
of things they're doing today.
I am not going to get
into the vent.
Someone went in there.
- Probably Hermit.
- God damn it!
If there's an exit or a way out,
he found it. Find it!
- Fuck!
- Go ahead, go ahead.
Now I'm gonna walk across the hall,
and I'm gonna do a body count.
Hey, listen, why don't we just
go find a fucking way out of here?
Everybody's gonna die anyway.
Oh my God. Did your mother
take a shit in your frontal lobe?
- If Omega survives,
- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
And we get out,
Corporate will kill us
by nightfall.
Get in the vent.
- Go, disappear.
- What's the time? What time?
You have 38 fucking minutes.
- Great, thank you so much.
- Be gone, you're still not gone.
I can't believe
you're not fucking gone.
- God damn it.
- Now you're gone.
You are so fucking gone.
Hey!
What the fuck's going on?
What the fuck was that?
- Letters to numbers. Letters to numbers.
- What?
"Heaven.
Heaven, Heaven."
Heaven equals 8-5-1-22-5...
- Shh!
- 5 and 14.
Temperance, go make a sweep
of the main floor.
Find out where
that noise came from.
- Go, now! Come on!
- Jesus.
Kids.
No respect for authority.
I was in Beirut,
motherfucker.
"Never Hints"...you think
this might be the de-activation code?
I don't know.
My life's a wreck.
So tired
of this job.
So tired.
My name is Tony.
I'm from Reading,
Pennsylvania.
Was my high school
valedictorian.
I'm an Eagle Scout.
And now how am I supposed
to have a relationship?
Supposed to be anonymous.
Nice to meet you.
I'm the Chariot.
That's why I go
to strip clubs.
And I don't care
if die today.
- It's okay.
- Don't you fucking touch me, Fool.
Don't you fucking...
And I'm back.
Temperance, my angel.
Where have you been?
It's getting closer.
You want me to enter the code?
- You sure it correlates the numbers?
- Shut up.
- What happens if it blows?
- Shut up!
What the fuck
do you want me to do?
- Do you want me to enter the code...
- Enter the fucking code.
- Okay, but what if it's wrong?
- Enter the code.
- What if it's wrong?
- Shut the fuck up.
- Okay, fuck.
- Hey, give me that can.
Give me that can, right there.
Right there.
Never hints. Never hints.
as the safe.
"Heaven,"
"Never hints."
Heaven never hints.
Heaven never hints
makes sense, right?
'Cause he's the Devil.
Heaven never hints.
Fuck it. I'm just gonna do it.
It's not my fault.
It's my first fucking day.
They're all dead.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Would you mind telling me
where the bodies are?
What the fuck was that?
Was that you?
The fucking code...
What is that?
- There's the Magician.
- Where?
In an air vent,
over the bullpen.
Do you smell that?
Hey, we need to go now.
What the fuck is going on?
Fool still alive?
As far as we can tell.
Has anyone been
in the Devil's safe?
I don't know. It's hard to see
what's going on in there. It's too dark.
Show me everything that's gone on
in the Devil's office in the last 20 minutes.
Okay.
Temperance?
Temperance, baby.
- Temperance, where are you?
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Rumor has it Empress
fucked Dick Cheney
at a Halliburton retreat
back in 1996.
- Ew!
- Stop saying "Ew!"
Hell is everything
beyond these walls.
I think she's suffering
from post-menopausal madness.
You can put on makeup,
but you can't hide crazy.
Where the answer is yes,
we intend to move forward...
All of the data's
being destroyed.
There's nothing else
we can do.
Those of us who manage
the public's dollars will be held to account.
I don't care what you say.
You can fire me if you want to.
I'm having a drink.
It's in a big black toolbox.
Got it.
Whoa-ho-ho-hey!
Look what daddy found,
kids.
Got it.
Everybody relax.
Come on, just focus. All right.
Oh my God.
I missed you.
So we're right here.
- Right, the storeroom.
- Hey, what's this door right here?
Right here in the cooler,
you ever see that door?
- I don't know.
- This leads to the door.
Yeah, well,
where does it lead?
I don't know.
Doesn't say.
- Is that an exit?
- No.
What the fuck was that? What was that?
- Hey, guys, you hear that?
- I didn't hear anything.
- No, there's something there.
- What? No one's in here.
They would have to
come through that door.
- Just get your shit together and go!
- There's something over there!
There's something, man.
Where the fuck did he go?
Screw it.
Come on, let's go.
- How much time do we have?
- About 19 minutes.
- Come on, let's go, Chariot.
- I'm gonna really fuck him for that.
We must...
and dust ourselves off
and begin again.
Mmm!
What the fuck you looking at?
These photographs I found
in the Devil's safe.
- Jesus!
- It's fucking Safe House,
the reason we're
in this godforsaken mess.
- Well, what's Safe House?
- It's a mission that got fucked
because of an outside hire.
Guy tripped the wires
cracking a safe.
Long story short,
my best man's dead.
Only solace is they chased his ass
down a city street at 4:00 in the morning.
Shot him two inches
above his fucking heart. Hmm.
Fucker's lucky
I started drinking again.
What?
Nothing. Come on.
- Wait!
- Fuck!
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Get the fuck off!
You're the outside hire?
You?
You're the reason
we're in this fucking mess
right now?
And that's why today
was your first day
because they wanted...
- No, Chariot, let him go!
- No!
No no no,
he fucked our mission!
Not me, not Omega,
not the Devil, bullshit!
Bullshit!
You did it on purpose.
- You set it up.
- The fuck I did, Chariot.
It was supposed
to be a simple crack job.
- Will you just fucking drop it! Who cares?
- I care!
I fucking care.
My best fucking man
died because of him.
I care.
And he fucking killed Strength.
You killed Strength.
Chariot, let him go.
Drop the weapon.
- No!
- I said
drop the motherfucking weapon!
- Do not sidestep your responsibility.
- Three...
two, one.
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
- Okay! Fuck!
- Jesus.
Who hired you?
Who fucking hired you?
Oh, shit!
Get up, let's go.
No, go on!
He's coming.
Go!
We gotta get
to the water cooler room.
There's a secret door in there.
I'll fight him off.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Just go now!
Ha ha, bring it on,
you short bearded faggot.
You know,
that really hurts my feeling
when you say stuff
like that.
Okay, what am I looking for?
Well, well, someone's entered
the cooler room.
Are you looking
for something, baby?
I don't think so.
Shit.
What stake
do you have in this?
Oh, God, Temperance.
Does everything have to
be open for discussion here?
Why are you siding
with Alpha, huh?
I don't feel well.
I have a headache.
I feel woozy,
and I've got a nervous stomach,
and my I.B.S. Is kicking in,
and it's gonna look bad in this suit.
So please,
can we discuss this later?
Later? What do you mean later?
There is no later!
Yeah, I'd rather do things
without...
I'd rather do things without yelling.
What the fuck is wrong
with you?
Okay, here we go.
This is why I don't do teams.
I don't have good people skills.
I don't want...
why do we have to talk?
Why do we have to talk
all the time?
I don't have people skills!
You think it's easy
to look like a bearded tampon?
I don't wanna do this.
You keep your mouth shut.
It's always about talking!
What are you,
Sally Jessy Raphael?
I'm sorry.
Did I give you a fright?
Honestly, I didn't mean to.
I mean, I do understand how
you might be a little jumpy
in light
of the circumstances.
What circumstance?
Well, it's your first day.
You've witnessed a lot
of blood.
And now you've got,
like, what?
You got 10 minutes left
searching for safe haven,
and now I show up
with the pretty clear intention
of squandering any
and all hope
by beating you to death
with a flaming putter.
Get your chin up.
Chin up.
That's what they used
to say to me at fat camp.
"Get your chin up."
You know what the counselor would say?
He'd say,
"Get your chins up."
Get your chin up.
It's just...
Pert Plus.
We could have been buddies.
We could have been buddies!
Open...
mouth!
You want me
to open my mouth.
Gonna put some lipstick
on first.
- What color is it?
- Guess.
Red.
Mnh-mnh.
Okay, what color is it?
The color of your dick
after this bullet goes in you.
God damn it!
Not again.
Oh, my darling,
I'm so afraid I will never live
- to see your face.
- Be still, my dear Satan.
There must be a layout
of your dungeon.
- We can find a way out together.
- No!
There is no escaping this place.
Oh, my penis!
- Where's the exit door?
- You shot me right in the shaft!
- Where's the exit door?
- I don't know.
Don't bullshit me, Hermit.
I know you know where the exit door is.
You would have never been
as cool as you were.
Where is it?
L... l... I don't know.
God! Jesus, Temperance!
Where's the exit door, Hermit?
It's... it's...
It's on a button.
There's a button.
Yeah, where's the button,
Hermit?
Under the water cooler,
Temperance.
You need to listen to me.
I am so not listening to you,
Fool.
You have no idea how
to get out of here.
So I may as well spend the next
four and a half minutes staring
into your dreamy blue eyes
while I watch you die.
Make sense, no?
Look, under the water cooler!
You must trust me, Satan.
Only one of us is
gonna make it out of here alive.
Well, I sure hope the afterlife
lives up to your standards.
Shit.
This is so distressing.
We have a connection.
You look up to me, sweetie.
Why the fuck would I look up
to a vile cunt like you?
Aghh! Horribly offensive thing
to say to another woman.
No shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Confess your sins to me.
Heaven never hints.
Heaven never hints.
Shit.
Come on.
I will lead us
to paradise.
Okay, I've extracted
the entire audio file
- that caused the shutdown.
- More phone sex?
It's a voicemail the Devil left
just before he was killed.
If you are listening to this recording,
it is in all likelihood
that I am dead.
Project Endgame
has been executed,
and Barack Obama has taken
office as the 44th president
of our glorious nation.
It is regrettable that
the dedicated men and women
of The Factory
had to burn in this charade.
Hopefully, the salvation of these
files will expose all our misdeeds.
To the light of day
and begin the healing process
towards restoring
the clandestine services
to their full glory.
Onward and upward we go.
And farewell,
my beloved Susan.
"My beloved Susan"?
It was you.
You were having phone sex
with the Devil.
We were lovers
of New Age...
an age of technology
and wonder,
an age of sexual freedom
and tolerance,
an advanced middle age.
Yeah.
The intimacy of two lovers
can be whispered across
the soft fiber optic
channels of the heart.
This is our moral reparation.
You brought the Fool here
to retrieve the files
before they're all destroyed.
What's on the disc, Susan?
It's a greatest hits package.
Everything they don't want
the new administration to know about.
- Yes.
- Susan, it's me.
Do you have the disc?
Yes, Mom, every single one
of their fuckups right here.
There's a cab waiting
for you on Figueroa
and a first class ticket
at the airport. Good luck.
And Godspeed.
I'm sorry, Carl.
No!
And more united. We cannot help
but believe the old hatreds
shall someday pass.
That the lines of tribes
shall soon dissolve,
that as the world grows smaller,
our common humanity
shall reveal itself
and that America
must play its role
in ushering in a new era
of peace.
Hey, Corporate,
how are you?
I just wanted to say thank you
for the Christmas card this year
and for the bottle of wine.
So nice.
This is Emperor.
Someone initiated Project Endgame
so if this line is still working,
it won't be for long.
In life, I haven't been too big
on personal relationships,
but I do have some business
to attend to.
So just a...
just a quick note.
I'm gonna come back
from the dead.
I'm gonna eat
your fucking hearts.
To the widows of the many men
who I murdered,
I leave my entire wine collection,
one bottle of Lafitte, 1802.
Ladies, you'll just
have to split that.
I'm gonna find you,
and I'm gonna
corral you together
and one-by-one,
I'm going to slowly
eat your hearts
throughout eternity.
To my dog in Belgium,
I leave my chalet in Gdansk.
And then I'm gonna haunt
your families.
I'm gonna haunt your families.
I'm not talking about
just like a "boo!"
I'm gonna be
a really fucking creepy ghost.
I'm gonna be a real
evil bastard.
And I can't wait actually.
I wish there was less time
for the bomb to go off.
I can't wait.
Oh, someone please return
all the books I checked out
of the public library in Iran.
I don't want them
coming after me.