- l'm sorry.|- No, Betty, this is yours.
What's going on here? Silly.
Pass the sugar, lover.
- Hand me the bread, Momma.|- Yes, Poppa.
- There we are.|- Thank you.
That's strawberry jam in there.
How about some celery?|Would you like some celery?
Thank you.
Are you starting this all over again?
(Both) That's the best cup of tea|you ever made.
- Shakespeare.|- Longfellow.
- Needles.|- Pins. (Laughs)
- lsn't that cute?|- (Clock chiming)
Oh, Daphne, look at the time.|Hurry or we'll be late for our bridge party.
Honey, excuse us|but Mrs Adelquist will be calling for us.
- Have a good time.|- See you before you go.
Oh, lover.
(Doorbell)
That's Mrs Adelquist. Let her in, darling,|we'll be right down. Come on, Betty.
- Come in, Mrs Adeltwist.|- Special delivery for Mr Hardy.
Sign, please.
- (Door closes)|- Come in, Mrs Adelquist.
lt wasn't Mrs Twiddlepast.
Not Twiddlepast, Adelquick, er, Adelquist.
Never mind who it was, who was it?
- lt was a letter for you.|- Oh!
lt's from my mother.
- What's she say?|- l'll find out when l get my glasses.
(Loud crunching)
''My dear son Ollie,
''l was cleaning up the attic and in going|through a lot of rubbish l came acr...''
Don't be rude.
Now look what you've done.
Take some hot water and clean those off!
(Crack)
My eyes are getting worse every day.|This letter is just a blur. Hurry up.
Thank you.
Now, that's better.
''My dear son Ollie,
''l was cleaning up the attic|and in going through a lot of rubbish
''l came across this picture of you and Stan|and your twin brothers, Bert and Alf
''so l thought you would like to have it.|Lovingly, Mother.''
- lsn't that swell?|- Can you imagine that?
Our very own twin brothers.
l wonder where they are.
Cha cha cha.
(Laughs) Seems like only yesterday.
(Stan) Which is you?|(Ollie) That's me there.
- Look at me.|- But that isn't you, that's Alf.
Let me have your glasses.
(Nasally) You mean to tell me|l don't know which is me?
That's me, right there.
How do you know that's you?
- l'm the oldest, you can...|- Sit down.
There's some more writing.|Give me my glasses.
No wonder l couldn't tell which was you!
Here, you read it!
''Dear Ollie, l forgot to tell you|that after you and Stan left home
''your twin brothers Alf and Bert turned out|to be bad lads and ran away to sea,
''and l did hear they joined a mutiny on board|one night and they both got hanged.''
Oh, isn't that terrible?
''Let this be a lesson to you. Mother.''
- Hm.|- lsn't that calamitous?
What a disgrace to our parents.|lf poor Father ever...
- Where are you going?|- To show Bubbles.
- (Chokes) Come here.|- What?
- Are you crazy?|- Uh-uh.
lf our wives find out we had some low-down|brothers like that they'd divorce us.
We'd lose our prestige in town and be|ostracised by the rest of the community.
- Well, why would they...?!|- Oh! Shh.
Why would they do that?|Everybody has a black sheep in their closet.
Nevertheless,
don't you tell a soul about this|because if you do we'll be sunk.
Then maybe we'd better burn the evidence.
(Both) Then nobody will ever know.
-Shakespeare.|- Long... Not now!
- Have you got a match?|- Yes.
Shh.
We'll burn our past behind us.
- (Daphne) Come along, Betty!|- Oh! Here.
(Daphne) We'll be right down,|Mrs Adelquist!
- Oh! Hello, dear!|- Where's Mrs Adelquist?
- (Doorbell)|- We have to go now.
l'm sorry, dear. Goodbye.
Goodbye, lover.
(Daphne) Come along, girls,|we're going to be late!
- Goodbye!|- (Door closes)
(Ship's horn)
Stand by your line!
Hey, mate - get busy|and unload the livestock.
- We sail in the morning with the tide.|- Aye, sir!
- Did you get paid, Bert?|- l sure did.
Once we've eaten|we'll go and have a swell time.
- (Man) And come back broke as usual.|- Oh, l don't know.
- Aren't you going ashore, Finn?|- Once l've read the paper.
Any news?
l was reading about a man|who started with nothing
- and in two years had a million dollars.|- A million dollars.
- How?|- Careful saving and wise investment.
What l've been preaching|to you two for years!
lf you'd listened|you'd be worth a million dollars.
He's right. When we first|came on this ship 15 years ago
if we'd had as much sense then as now|we'd have let him save our money
and now we'd be sitting on|the fat of the land. Right, Finn?
- Right.|- lt's all right but it's too late now.
lt's never too late. You were paid today|and now is the time to start.
Why not let me hold it for you?
You make the money, l'll invest it
and you'll be millionaires|before you can say ''Jack Robinson''.
What do you say?
That sounds swell to me.|What about you, Alf?
lt's OK with me, Bert. How about you, Finn?
- lt's a knockout!|- l think it's good too.
Here's my money.
Have you seen my money?|l put it in here a minute ago.
Remember, you were...
lsn't that swell?|We're going to be millionaires.
Say, who's this fella Jack Robinson?
- l don't know.|- l never heard of him.
Boys, l'm proud of you.|That's what l call determination!
- We're full of it.|- You'll need some pin money to spend.
After all, it's all right to be careful|but we've got to have our little fling,
just to break the monotony. (Laughs)
(Sighs)
- There's a dollar between you.|- A dollar?!
We can't do much flinging on a dollar!
Well, you'll soon be millionaires.
He's right, Bert.
- (lnaudible)|- Oh, yes...
what about a receipt for our money?
You're right, l'm glad to see|you've got good business sense.
A receipt. (Coughs)
''lOU $7 4.''
Just to make this binding...|you two boys sign there.
- ''Bertie...Hardy.''|- ''Alfie Laurel.''
Semi-comma.
Thanks.
Now everything is on the up and up.
- lsn't that swell?|- One thing l want you to promise.
- What?|- Don't come and ask any of it back.
You listen to this - when we make|an agreement, it is an agreement.
Yeah, we want you to promise us|you won't give it back.
- l promise.|- Get me some coffee.
- All right.|- Now we'll get somewhere!
l'll get ready to go ashore.
- Any orders, sir?|- Huh? Er, yeah, yeah.
- Send those mugs Bert and Alf up here.|- Aye, sir.
Hey, you swabs, the mate said|the Captain wants to see you right away!
OK, we'll be right up.
Come on, sailor.
- Goodbye, Finn.|- Goodbye.
Oh, wait a minute! l've taken a room|at Mrs MacGregor's on Tudor Avenue.
lf you run short of money, drop in.
- OK, thanks.|- Goodbye.
Bye.
Barnum was right.
Now, listen, this is what|l want to see you about.
l'm expecting a small package|to be delivered to me here but l can't wait.
l want you to stay here, get this package|and bring it to Denker's Beer Garden.
- l'll meet you there about four bells.|- Aye, sir.
- You know where Denker's is?|- Aye, sir. lt's on Fifth and Eighth.
Between Sixth and Seventh on Ninth.|lt's just across from...
- You know where it is.|- Aye, sir.
l hope l can rely on you to do this for me.
Captain, you can trust us insipidly.
l hope so because|it's a very important package.
What's in the package, Cappy?
None of your business what's in it!|Go on, get out of here!
And don't call me Cappy!
- Can you tell us where...?|- Shh!
Pardon us, officer,|but where is Denker's Beer Garden?
Just around the corner there.
Thank you.
- Pardon me, officer.|- Me too.
That's all right.
(Till bell rings)
Lil, looks like the fleet's in.
l'm having beer. What's yours?
We gotta take it easy,|we've only got a dollar.
l know. What are you gonna have?
Suppose we share the same beer?|We won't spend so much money.
That's a good idea.
Garcon! Garcon!
What do you mean, ''garcon''?|lt's Grogan. What'll you have?
Why, l'd like a nice...
large, cold...
flagon of beer.
- What's yours?|- Two clean straws that haven't been used.
l wonder what's in that package.
Didn't you hear what the Captain said?|That's none of your business.
Always prying into other people's affairs!
(Whistles appreciatively)
lsn't that a pip?
(Whistles) lt certainly is.
That must have cost more than $5.
What do you mean $5?|lf it cost a penny it cost $50!
Huh!
That'll be a quarter.
A quarter?! What for?
Ten cents for the beer|and 15 cents for the straws.
You don't think|we're giving 'em away, do you?
Waiter, could you exchange this|for a couple of spoons?
Give me those straws,|l'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Oh, l'm sorry. Just a little accident.
That's all right. Accidents will happen.
(Giggles)
lf l've spoiled your drink|may l buy you another?
We don't mind if you do. Won't you join us?
Oh!
We don't mind if we do.
Thank you. Come, Alfie.
My name is Mr Hardy|and this is my very good friend Mr Laurel.
l'm glad to know you.|This is my very good friend Lily.
- How do you do, Lily?|- How do you do?
And my name is, er, Alice.
Alice.
My mother's name was Alice.
(lnhales)
(Sighs)
Your mother's name wasn't Alice.
That was her second name|on my father's side.
Hey, Joe, meet a couple of pals of ours -|Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy.
l met 'em. So what?
Two more beers for the ladies.
- No more beer for us.|- Oh, you must have something...Alice.
lf you insist l'll have an absinthe frappe.
l think l'll have the same.
You couldn't split one, could you?
What about something to eat?
- What's ready?|- A quarter pound steak's just coming.
- OK.|- And you?
A Lobster Newburg, mock turtle soup,|a New York cut steak - well-done,
lyonnaise potatoes,|broccoli with hollandaise sauce on the side,
lettuce with Roquefort cheese dressing,|coffee - demitasse - and that's all.
Don't you want any dessert?
- That's sweet of you. Crepe suzette.|- (Lily) Make that two.
(Crack)
Excuse me just a moment.
(lnaudible)
Er, will you pardon us? My friend|wishes to speak to me in private.
- Go right ahead.|- We'll be right back.
Let's go in there, we can talk|and nobody will hear us.
(Grunts)
What is it?
What about them ordering all that food?|We've only got 75 cents.
l've got it all figured out.
We'll go and see Finn|and get our money back.
He won't give us it. We told him...
Oh, yes he will. l know how to handle him.
Besides, it's our money|and we'll do what we like with it.
l thought we were going to start saving.
We can start saving on the next trip.
We've got a chance to have a swell time|so we might as well take advantage of it.
l guess you're right.|We can be millionaires anytime.
Any old time. Now let's go back to the girls.
(Telephone ringing)
- Hello?|- Hello.
- Who is it?|- lt's me.
- What do you want?|- Nothing, what do you want?
- Nothing, you rang.|- l didn't do anything of the kind.
- You did...|- Put that back and get out of here.
(Ringing)
(Slurring) Hey! Would you chaps mind|stepping out a minute? That call is for me.
Hey! Stay where you are, l'll get it,|it'll only take a second.
l'm sorry to disturb you boys|but this call is from the wife.
You know, l have to tell her|l'm bringing home the milk.
Would you rather we stepped out?
No, stay where you are, l'll just be a second.
(Ringing)
Hello! (Grunts)
- l lost... Where is it? Where'd you...?|- Right here, sir.
- You won't talk long?|- l won't.
Listen, l'm bringing home the...
Pardon me, will ya?
Just a minute! lt's a little...|l don't know, it's so crowded.
Here, could you...?
lt's just... Hello?|Just a minute now. l'll get this.
Hello?! l'm calling about...
Er...l think somebody took the phone.|Wait a minute.
Hello, Sarah. Yes. How much?
Just a minute. Hello!
Boys, just a minute. Listen.
Just... l'll pull the wire.
l'll... Oh, l lost it! Where's the thing?
Where you got that thing? Do you got it?|Are you hurt?
- l'll get it.|- Hello?
(Yells)
Just a minute, something's on my foot.|Can you hold the wire?
Wait a minute, l can't find the...
Whoa! Hello?!
Hello? Can you...?
(All) Ohh!
- What's the big idea?|- Sorry, sir, just a little accident.
Yeah, well, you'll pay for this.
Just put it on the check, please.
- Don't worry, it'll be on there.|- Come, Alf.
Joe, come and give me a hand with this!
- Did you get in a fight?|- No, just a little conference.
- Nothing serious, l hope?|- Oh, no.
We've just decided that if you don't mind,|we'll change our clothes
and take you out for a good time.
- That's OK with me.|- Me too! Don't be long.
- We won't.|- Don't go away cos we're coming back.
- You bet we won't.|- We'll be back in a jiffy.
- Hey, where do you think you're going?|- Shh.
We're going to change our clothes|and get some more money.
- More money?|- Yeah, you see we didn't have enough.
Yes, sir, and while we're gone, see that|the little ladies have everything they desire.
- Goodbye.|- Goodbye.
Now, don't go away, will you?|We won't be long.
Come on, don't dilly-dally!
You're always fiddling around.
Just a minute, you think l'd let you|get away from here without paying that bill?
You give me that dough|or l'll beat you both up or have you pinched.
Or maybe both!
Can't you make up your mind?
My good man, don't you understand?|lt's simple.
- We'll get our money and come back.|- See?
No, you ain't leaving here until you pay|or leave me something for security.
Why don't you leave him the ring?
We'll get our money from Finn|and the Captain won't be any the wiser.
- Splendid.|- We've figured out a plan.
You'll like this.
How about that for security?
(Whistles appreciatively)
(Whistles) lsn't that a daisy?
- lt's all right with me.|- Now remember.
When we come back and pay you|we get that ring back, right?
- Right.|- Right.
(Knock at door)
(Knock at door)
Who is it?
- lt's us.|- Hello, boys, come on in.
- How are you, Finn?|- What's on your mind?
We hate to disturb you|but we've come to ask a little favour.
What do you want?
We've just had the good fortune to meet|two charming and refined young ladies.
Yeah, Alice and Lily.
So what?
lf you don't mind, we'd like to cancel|our little financial arrangement.
We decided to put off being millionaires|till the next trip.
lf it's your money you want,|l am not interested.
- You won't give us our money back?|- l will not.
But it's ours - besides, we don't get paid|till we get to Singapore.
Not one penny will you get.
l made a gentlemen's agreement with you|to protect you from yourselves.
- Should l go back on my word?|- We wouldn't mind, would we?
- We won't hold it against you!|- Go ahead.
Get out of here!
Well, if that's the way you feel about it|we'll be forced to assert our prerogative
and search this room.
Go ahead and search, what do l care?
You'll be sorry, putting us to all this trouble.
lt's no use looking here, you can search|till Doomsday and you'll never find it.
Does that mean it isn't in this room?
l wouldn't say yes and l wouldn't say no.
- You know what we can do?|- What?
- We can...|- Shh.
We can steal his clothes and pawn them|and get enough money to pay the bill.
We'll give you one more chance.|Do we get our money or not?
Absolutely not.
No! Oh!
(Finn grunting)
Hey, come back! Hey, stop!
Come on, you know|we've got to meet the wives.
Stay here - asking the pawnbroker|if he had any second hand ice-cream cones!
(Parps)
(Parps)
How much did you get?
- Two dollars.|- Well, we can't pay the bill with that.
- The girls are still...|- Don't worry, l'll take charge of this matter.
Come on.
Maybe we better talk to Finn from|a distance. He was pretty mad when we left.
Good idea.
(Whistles)
(Both) Oh, Finn!
- Maybe he's asleep.|- l'll wake him up.
(Clack)
Ow!
- We're back!|- Where's my clothes?
- We pawned them!|- What?!
lf you don't give us our money|we won't give you the ticket!
Yeah, and the ship'll sail|and you'll be left behind.
All right, give me the ticket|and l'll give you your money.
- You cross your heart?|- You don't doubt me, do you?
(Both) Yes!
Oh-ho!
We'll be right up!
Here's the ticket and|there's the two dollars to get your suit.
- Now give us our money.|- l have to go and get it.
- Where is it?|- Sewn in the lining of my coat you pawned.
Why didn't you tell us before?|Having us run about on a wild goose chase!
- Give me the ticket, l'll go and get it!|- Oh, no. Once bitten, twice shy!
- Give us the ticket...|- l've got it figured out. Take off your clothes.
- What for?|- One suit l'll wear there,
the other suit l'll pawn to pay the interest.
Oh, no you don't. Give me the ticket!
Don't you come near me or l'll swallow it|and you'll lose your money.
- Give me that!|- (Muffled)
No, don't swallow it, don't swallow it.
Take off your clothes and put them|down there. Put them down.
And no monkey tricks!
Well, here's another nice mess|you've gotten me into.
(Whimpering)
l wonder what those girls will think.
(Ollie) Hey, Finn!
- Are you coming back?|- l wouldn't say yes and l wouldn't say no.
Oh, and if l see Alice and Lily|l'll give them your love.
Maybe l'll give them a kiss for you.|(Chuckles)
- l wonder how much longer they'll be.|- l don't know.
(Both) Are you sure this is|where they said to meet?
- Shakespeare.|- Longfellow.
- What goes up the chimney?|- Smoke.
They make me sick...
- Darling!|- Hello, sweetie!
- l'm sorry we were late.|- Oh, we just got here.
What have you boys been doing?
- Ollie, tell 'em where we went.|- Stan took me to a Punch and Judy show.
- First one since l was a kid.|- How about some food? l'm famished.
Oh, that's a good idea. Why not go in here?
Oh, not in there, we know a better place.
- We'll go in here.|- But dear...
l said we'll go in here. Come along, Betty.
Oh, this is a nice table. Sit here, Betty.
- Let's go in the garden, it's cooler.|- All right, dear.
(Ollie) How's this table?
- (Daphne) Nice.|- Better than being inside.
Of all the nerve!
You got here at last, huh?
What do you mean? We weren't coming in|in the first place, were we?
l wasn't.|What are you gonna have, Momma?
A ham sandwich, mustard on the side|and a glass of beer.
- What would you like, Bubbles?|- Now, don't rush me, lover.
l think l'll have a nice Welsh rarebit.
- One Welsh rarebit.|- With cheese.
- What's yours?|- Er, l think l'll...
l know what you guys are gonna have.
He's an awfully fresh waiter.
Poppa, what did he mean,|''You got here at last''?
l don't know, Momma.
(Both) We never met him before in our lives.
- Shakespeare.|- Longfellow.
- What goes up the chimney?|- Santa Claus.
Silly.
The Welsh rarebit'll be right up.
lsn't that the way with men?
We've known them all afternoon|and they pick up with some strangers!
They're not gonna get away with it.|Come on, Lily.
l don't think much of your taste,|ditching us for these old frumps.
Pardon? Do you know who you're talking to?
Aw, sit down, old lady, before you fall apart.
Cutie, that wasn't very nice of you|to walk out and leave us sitting here.
l beg your pardon, madam,|just what do you mean?
What are you looking so innocent about?
- l'm not so innocent.|- You bet you're not!
And you oughta be ashamed of yourself!
No wonder you didn't want to come in here.|Thank goodness l found you out.
Ow! But l tell you, this is a frame-up!
We've never met these women, have we?!
- Uh-uh.|- Oh, you've never met us? Joe!
- Yeah?|- Who are these men?
Last time they called themselves|Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy.
Pay the check and let's get out of here!
Yes, pay it, we've been waiting two hours!
Bye-bye, babyface.
So you went to|a Punch and Judy show, huh?
Here's your bill.
No, 60 cents for this|and 15 dollars for before.
- l should...!|- Oh, pay the check!
- But...!|- Pay the check!
- l'll pay.|- You better pay the check.
Thanks. And here's the ring|you left for security.
Oh, so you're buying rings now.|l suppose that's part of the frame-up too?
Betty, l've had enough! And as for you,|you can see my lawyer in the morning.
Oh, lover, l don't see how you could|ever have done this to me.
l never was so humiliated in all my life.
- Glass of beer, please.|- OK.
(Betty sobbing)
(Till bell rings)
Well, well, well, fancy meeting you here.|Which is Alice and which is Lily?
- ''Alice and Lily''?|- Are you sure you know these gentlemen?
They're buddies of mine.|Where did you get the swell clothes?
- ''Clothes''?!|- Last time l saw them they had none on.
They had no clothes on?! Who is this man?
- He's an absolute stranger to us, isn't he?|- He certainly is.
Who am l? Er, you.
Stranger, eh?|Oh, trying to make out they don't know me!
Well, you take a look at that.
(Daphne) Oh!
(Betty) Oh! Ohh!
(Both) Oh!
That settles it.|Betty, we'll keep this as evidence.
- Momma, let me explain...|- Never speak to me again, Casanova!
- Come on, Betty!|- Goodbye, lover.
- Do you realise what you've done?|- l don't care.
You should've introduced me.|They weren't so hot anyway.
Where did you pick them up?|Did you win them on a punchboard?
- Do you know what l oughta do?|- What?
l oughta bend every bone in your head.
- ls that so?|- Yes.
Hm.
Uh-oh. Take a look through that.
Ow!
(Laughs)
Uh-oh. Well, l'll be seeing you.
Don't go. Sit down.
(Gulps)
(Wheezes)
- (Crackles)|- (Yells)
(Gasps)
One Welsh rarebit.
(Smashes)
- Who done this?|- (Both) He did!
- Hey!|- Eh? What?!
l'll get you for this! l'll get you for this!
(Smashing and banging outside)
- Who was that fella?|- How should l know?
- When did you meet the two girls?|- When did l meet the girls?
You must know them,|they knew us when we came in.
What are you talking about?
You can confide in me, l can keep a secret.
Will you get this through that thick skull
that l don't know those girls|and they don't know me!
- ls that the truth?|- Certainly.
Well, we should go and tell Momma and|Bubbles they've done us a terrible wrong.
We'll do nothing of the kind.
- l'm going to teach them a lesson.|- How do you mean?
We're going to stay out all night
and we're not going home|until they come to us and apologise.
Good idea. We'll give 'em|enough rope to hang ourselves.
Hello buddies, what's the trouble now?
Oh, we just had an argument with the wives.
Yes, we're going to teach them a lesson,|aren't we, Ollie?
Yes, and we're going to stay out all night.
- Yeah, till nine o'clock.|- That's funny, l'm in the doghouse too.
Well, we're all in the same boat.
Say, let's all make a night of it.
That's a very potent suggestion.
(Both) All for one and one for all.
- All...|- Shakespeare.
- Longfellow.|- Washington.
- What goes down the flue?|- A good slug of liquor.
- Right!|- Bartender!
No more drinks. You've had too much|and you two guys haven't had enough.
- What do you mean?|- No lip or l'll throw you all out.
Look through there.
Oh-oh!
(Bell tolling)
(Snoring)
What time is it?
Four bells, and all is still wet.
Looks like Finn isn't coming back.
l told you that an hour ago,
but you had to give me the argument about|''everything comes to him who waits''.
- What should we do?|- That's entirely up to you.
You thought of a way to get us into|this mess, now think of a way to get us out.
The only way l can see|is to go and get the waiter,
take him to the ship, have the Captain|pay the bill and get his ring back,
then we'll pay the Captain on the next trip.
- He might be a bit mad...|- That's a very, very, very good idea.
But how are we going to get to the waiter?
We can't go out dressed like this,|we wouldn't get to first base.
- Never thought of that.|- Hm.
Well...
- Say, you know what?|- What?
Why don't we dress up|like those guys in Singapore?
What guys in Singapore?
The fellas that look like Eskimos.|The guys that walk around with rugs.
- Eskimos.|- Yeah, we borrow these quilts
and put some towels round our heads|and nobody'd be any the wiser.
- We could go and get the waiter...|- Hm.
That sounds screwy to me.
But any old port in a storm.
- lt might be a good idea.|- You've gotta be right once in your life.
l'm looking for two sailors from the|Periwinkle, a little fellow and a big fat one.
The two guys with the pearl ring?
How did you know they had a pearl ring?
l saw it. They gave it to me as security|and l gave it back when they paid.
- Where are they?|- They were with a drunk, l threw 'em out.
They're probably in another joint -|er, beer parlour.
Thanks very much!
Now, let me do the talking.
- Good evening, Mr Grogan.|- Good evening.
- lt's possible you don't recognise us but...|- Oh, yes l do.
What was the last thing l said to you?|Didn't l tell you to get out?
No, the last thing you said was, ''Right!''|Didn't he?
Quit clowning. What do you want?
We've figured out a plan|so we can get our ring back.
- Yeah, you see...|- Oh, what are you two talking about?
The ring - the ring we left as security.
Yes, and l gave you back when you paid.
- You didn't give anything to us!|- We never paid.
Are you saying l'm a thief|and l stole that ring?
That's the way it appears to us.
- You'd better give that...|- Shh.
Look through that.
Just a moment.
Ow!
Oh-oh!
What?!
(Sighs)
(Clink, groan, thud)
What are you trying to do?
Ow!
(Police siren wailing)
(Excited chatter)
Mr Laurel!
Mr Hardy!
(Ollie) l'm not going in that thing!
(Policeman) Get up! Get in!
(Dogs barking)
(Siren wailing)
(Telephone)
lf that's them, tell 'em we're not home.
Hello?
(lnaudible)
What?
My goodness, don't tell me!
Thank you very much!
- What's the matter?|- That was Mrs Adelquist.
Stan and Oliver have been arrested
and they're taking them|to the police station! Oh!
Oh, this is a fine state of affairs!
Oh!
Come on, sit down there.
(Speaking Arabic)
- What did he say?|- l don't know.
- Do you speak Arabic?|- Oh, no, sir.
We're a couple of Singapore Eskimos.
Oh.
- l'm sorry.|- (Man) What's the idea?!
Hey, Mr Clerk, we'd like to see Judge Polk.
- lt's very important.|- Please give him this card.
- l'll ask him.|- Thank you.
(Gasps) Oh, lover!
- Oh...|- Betty! Betty!
(Betty) Oh...
- Come this way.|- Thank you.
Did you see that?
- l wonder who they are.|- l don't know.
They're a couple of vacation killers.
- ''Vacation killers''?|- Yeah.
A guy goes to jail for a swell vacation.
These welfare workers get him out.|They make me sick.
Huh, first time l ever saw a welfare worker.
- Me too.|- Funny-looking dames.
l don't know, l liked that big fat blonde.|(Chuckles)
- The little one wasn't so bad.|- Cute.
And you see it really is our fault,
and if you're not too harsh on them|l think they'll behave in future.
l know my lover will.
What do you mean?|He's just as much to blame as Poppa was!
- He's not!|- l think he started it!
Now, now, now, don't worry,|everything's going to be all right.
lf you'll step into that room,|l'll have a heart-to-heart talk with them.
Oh, judge, you're so sweet.
(Buzzer)
Laurel and Hardy! Step this way.
(Laughter)
(Laughing)
Where on earth have you fellows been?
And how in the world|did you get in those outfits?
- Well, it was like this, we...|- Tell me later, l've got to open court.
l don't know what you boys have done|but l'm going to overlook it this time.
But you've got to stop|this gallivanting around.
- There's a time and place for everything.|- Yes, sir.
You've got two lovely girls,|why don't you appreciate them?
Will you do that?
Whatever you say goes, judge.|We're in your hands.
That's fine.
Girls...
l've just had a talk with the boys
and l suggest that you all get together.
Come on, boys, give them a great big kiss,|and let bygones be bygones.
Get off of him!
That's splendid. Well, see you later.
- Do we have to come back here?|- Not if you behave.
But my advice is to stay out of beer gardens.
lf you want to have a good time go to a|high-class place where there's less trouble.
Now, don't forget.
Have you seen this one?
Not now, some other time.
(Coughs)
Here, we brought you some clothes.
As soon as you're dressed|we'll take his advice
and go to a high-class place|for a good time.
lf you promise never to get into|any more trouble, we'll forget this.
- lt's all right with me.|- How about you?
- l'll do anything to get out of here.|- Lover...
Oh, come on, we'll meet you outside.
Hey, listen sailor, lay off of the blonde.
l saw her first.
(# Big band)
l wonder what our wives are doing.
They're probably at home|crying their eyes out.
lt serves them right.
- A table for four.|- Yes, madam. Come this way, please.
l'm sorry, l'll have to give you|a table on the balcony.
That's all right.
(Yells)
- What's the matter with him?|- He doesn't want to pay the bill.
- He can't do that!|- No, sir!
Where's my hat?!
- ls this it?|- Yeah, thank you.
Quick!
Whiskey and soda.
Ooh!
What's the matter?
Say, you four guys stay away from me.
We're not four guys, there's only two of us!
(Lily) Well, look who's here.
Alice! What's the matter?|We can explain everything.
- You can't explain those two old crones.|- No, they're old welfare workers.
- Certainly.|- We picked...
l'll tell them.
- Don't give me that.|- But we can prove it!
- Sit down and have a drink.|- As soon as we get rid of these two.
- We'll soon get rid of them.|- ls that so?!
We want you to meet the two girls we met.
- Lily and Alice...|- l know all about them!
You ungrateful hound! l'll fix you!
You keep out of this, you startled ant!
(Laughs)
Ow! Oh! Ooh!
Don't...! Ooh.
(# Happy Birthday)
Pardon me. Hey, you, give me a hand.
One, two, three!
Happy birthday to you.
- This isn't his birthday.|- Nevertheless, many happy returns.
Come on, Betty, this is final.
(Crack)
- Why did you help her?|- l didn't know what she was doing.
That's right, you wouldn't. Get this off.
That's what you get|for picking up strange women.
Well, we got rid of 'em, didn't we?
Pardon me while l go and clean myself up.|Alf, entertain the ladies while l'm gone.
We'll be right back, Alice.
After this we'd better go home|and see if our wives are sorry...
Don't worry about them,|let them worry about us.
We're gonna have|the best time we've ever had.
- Three cigars, please.|- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.|- You'll have one?
- Good evening.|- Where's that package?
- What package?|- That package with the pearl ring.
- You've got it, haven't you?|- What business is it of yours?
- l'll soon show you...!|- Just a minute.
Lower your voices.|We cater to ladies and gentlemen here.
All right, l understand.|You double-crosser, give me that ring.
Are you trying to frighten me?
Go ahead, little boy, and peddle your fish.
Oh!
Want any more, huh?!
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute...
You take your hands off me.|Take your hands off me!
Put me out! (Yells)
(Glass shattering)
(Captain) Oh! Oh!
That guy must be crazy!|Stanley, go and get the manager!
And take that hat off! Go on.
lt must be Bert - l'll go and see.
- What's happened?|- Where's the manager?
What manager?
Beat it, beat it!
He slipped the ring in his pal's pocket.
- Here's the manager.|- So, trying to get away, eh?!
- l'll get you!|- This man's a lunatic! He's trying to rob us!
- Rob you?! You dirty crook!|- You'll have to settle this outside!
This is gonna be settled here and now!|Go on, get out of my way!
- Give me my ring!|- Take him out!
- l'll get you!|- Take him! Get him out of here!
Look, come on and stand up!
Eh? Will you get... Just...
What?
- The trouble with him is he's drunk.|- That's about right!
- Take him. Get him.|- (Captain) l'll get you!
- lt's a good thing we sent for the manager.|- lt was.
Give me the ring back, it'll be safer with me.
What do you mean?|You didn't give me the ring.
l did, l slipped it in your pocket|when l told you to beat it.
l haven't got the ring.
(Ollie) Are you trying|to hold it back from me?
Can you imagine that?|My pal trying to double-cross me!
Excuse me, gentlemen, it's not my business|but l saw him put the ring in your pocket.
What do you mean? l haven't got it!
Pardon me for butting in|but may l speak to you alone?
Why, sure. Pardon me.
- Would you like us to scare it out of him?|- How?
We can make out we're tough guys|and take him for a ride.
- (Chuckles)|- What did he say?
These gentlemen have invited us for a ride.|Would you like to go along?
l'd love to but what about the ring?
Oh, just forget that. l was only kidding!|l've got it right there.
You had me worried.
lf you're going for a ride|would you drop me off at home?
- Sure, we'll be glad to drop you off.|- Thanks, pal.
- Come on, boys, let's go.|- (Stan) Gotcha.
- Call a cab.|- Taxi!
l hope it doesn't rain.
(Police siren)
Oh! There they go!
(Siren wailing)
Hm.
- Did you get rid of him?|- Who?
- The Captain.|- l haven't seen him. Have you?
What? You told me to beat it|and he's been chasing me.
- You mean the Captain is in here?|- You saw him, he's as mad as a firefly.
We've got to get out of here!
Oh, there you are! l've been looking for you.
- What happened to your face?|- You know what!
Don't think you can put mustard on my head|and burn my nose!
- What's he talking about?|- Before it was two to one.
Now it's three to two, that makes it even.
You must be barmy. We haven't...
Barmy, am l? At 'em, boys!
You go that way and cut off their retreat.|Come on!
Fooled you, didn't l?
Up aloft after them! Come on!
(Crowd chattering excitedly)
(Stan whimpers)
(Creaking)
Whoa!
(Screaming)
(Whimpering)
There they go!
Come on, now!
(Honking horn)
That's the boss.
Good job getting rid of the cops. Stand by.
- This way, gentlemen.|- Say, you forgot to drop our friend off.
Oh, he's asleep. We'll do that later.
- Hello, boss.|- Hello, Tiny.
Hello, boss.
Boys, meet some friends of mine.
- How do you do?|- How are you?
This lug refuses to give up|a valuable pearl ring.
- No, he's got the ring...|- Shh!
One of you has it|and you'd better cough it up.
(Both) l haven't got it!
- Shakespeare.|- Not now!
All right, you crooks,|we'll give you the works.
Go to it, Tiny. You know where to find us.
- All right, boss.|- What about our ride?
- Just a minute...!|- Sit down.
- But l wanna talk to these men.|- Sit down!
- All right, boys, mix up the cement.|- Sure, Tiny.
- What are you gonna do?|- Put your feet in cement.
And if you don't talk,|we're gonna throw you off the dock!
Why don't you give 'em the ring?
(Whimpering) l haven't got the ring! You|told me you had it when were in the bar!
l can't remember you giving it to me|in there and... Oh!
- (Whimpering)|- Hey, hey!
You go that way.
Where in tarnation did they go?
They gave us the slip.
- We'd better get back to the ship.|- That's them there!
- (Ollie) Oh-o-o!|- (Stan yelping)
(Siren wailing)
Good and hard now, Tiny.
- (Tiny) Take 'em out.|- OK.
- (Stan whimpering hysterically)|- Oh! Be careful!
Oh! Ohh!
Ohh...
- No!|- You can't do this to us!
- (Shrieking)|- Oh-ho.
Stop that crying!|Now this is your last chance.
Tell us where that ring is or over you go.
(Whimpering) We don't know, do we?
How can we tell you if we don't remember?
- Maybe this'll help!|- (Both) Oh!
(Laughing)
(Yelling)
(Stan whimpering hysterically)
Take this thing off of my head!
(Stan wailing)
(Yelling)
(Whimpering hysterically)
(Ollie) Oh!
(Both yelling)
(Police siren wailing)
(Siren slows, stops)
- Help!|- Help!
- There they are!|- Help!
- Come on.|- Help!
Now you swabs,|give me that ring or l'll drown you!
(Both) We don't know where it is!
- Shakespeare.|- Not now!
Let 'em go.
- Pull 'em up again.|- Give me another, this is my last one.
Here's a boxful.
Er...
- Where did that come from?|- Never mind.
We'll give it back to the Captain.
Oh, Captain, there's your ring.
Thanks very much.
(Howls)
(Both yelling)
- What's that?|- Somebody's fallen overboard!
Help me pull them up!
(Yelling)
- Did you see what l saw?|- You know who they are?
- Our twins, Stan and Ollie!|- What are they doing?
l don't know! Come on, get 'em up!
Well, well, well, hello, Ollie!
Hello, Bert. Gee, it's great to see you.
- Hello, Stan.|- Hello, Alf.
What are you doing here?|Mother told us you were dead.
We just arrived today on the Periwinkle.
That explains it all - they've been|mistaken for us and us for them.
Why, certainly! (Laughs)
- Let's go and explain it to the wives.|- You look good, Stan, but you've altered.
You've altered too|but you haven't changed a bit, has he?
Come on, Bert.
That Laurel is the dumbest thing l ever saw.
- The other one is too.|- You're absolutely right, Bert.
Neither one of them can see|past the end of their nose.