(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
INSTRUCTOR: (ON SPEAKERS)
A nurse should monitor
for which side effect
of antiplatelet medication?
A, drop in blood pressure.
B, hot flashes.
C, bloody stools.
D, blurred vision.
Blood pressure.
C, bloody stools.
- (SIGHS)
- (CLICKS)
Antiplatelet, bloody stools.
Antiplatelet,
bloody stools
Bloody stools,
bloody stools
Antiplatelet, bloody stools
Oh, the doo-dah day
Oh, the doo-dah day
Oh, the doo-dah day
Antiplatelet,
bloody stools
(WOMEN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TV)
(SIGHS) Watch some sports
like real men.
This has 10 times the emotion
of your football.
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
It's ridiculous.
Hey. Sorry, some surfer
gave me wet money.
Well, here
are your deliveries.
Oh, and I would save
650 Cypress for last.
(SIGHS) Canadian bacon
and pineapple? No. Ew.
Hey, he's cute,
and you might have fun.
I don't have time for fun.
Well, then
you're doing it wrong.
Add it to the list.
COOK: It's not ridiculous.
These stories come
from real life.
Crazy things happen
all the time.
Come on,
back me up on this.
I don't watch
this shit.
I don't even hear it. It's
like working at my abuela's.
If you're gonna trash me in front of
the gringos, do it in Spanish.
- Yeah, none of them speak Spanish.
- Huh.
Bye...
Ladies.
(CHUCKLING)
INSTRUCTOR: When suctioning
mucus from a patient's lung,
which action completes
the procedure...
(HONKS)
KATE: Hey, girls,
come on, let's go!
- Hey, Mom!
- Hi, Mom!
Move! We gotta go!
Really, Mom? The sign?
Be embarrassed
in the car, okay?
I've got eight minutes to get
these pizzas across town.
Move!
How was school?
- EMILY: Fine.
- Oh, don't tip 'em.
(WOMEN CHEERING)
COLIN: Change of plans, sir.
We're just having
some minor mechanical issues.
We'll dock at the nearest
harbor for some repairs
and I'll arrange to have
the carpets
professionally cleaned.
Don't need to know how
the sausage is made, Colin!
- COLIN: Absolutely right, sir.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
Why won't he answer?
I'm sure he's on that floating orgy.
I need him here.
Easy, Papi, you'll get better.
You don't know that!
Neither does he!
And he's the idiot who
cut out my gallbladder...
and gave me this mystery infection.
I need Leonardo in Mexico City.
I made my decision.
I'm handing Montenegro Industries
over to him.
That's absurd!
He's not capable of running a
multi-national corporation.
He'll rise to the occasion.
Like I did when I had to...
that summer in 1961...
Here it comes... Vienna.
I met the love of my life...
in Vienna.
But Mom said you met in Barcelona.
Yeah, I met her there.
But in Vienna,
I met this dancer...
- Papa. Papa.
- Mmm-hmm.
Listen to me.
I'm the one with the experience.
Magda, now's not the time.
I'm just saying...
he should leave the company to
someone who actually works there.
And me?
What?
Why do you always belittle my work
with our chritable division?
Of course!
Because of you a bunch of
poor kids can play violin.
The world's a better place.
You mock me, but
classical music saved my life!
Anti-depressants saved your life!
- It's not a violin, it's a cello!
- Stop it, you two!
I made my decision.
...it's a cello.
Find your brother
and bring him home before
this butcher kills me.
God, unbelievable!
- Papi, you're going to...
- Leave me be!
INSTRUCTOR:
When swabbing fecal matter,
a nurse should take which
of the following precautions?
- OLIVIA: Bye, Mom!
- MOLLY: See ya, Mom!
KATE: All right, listen
to your grandma, okay?
Hi, Grandma!
And, hey, I want you
to take a bath, Olivia!
- Use soap.
- OLIVIA: Okay.
You're not gonna
believe this.
Remember how I sang
that song from Les Mis
at the Saint James talent show
and everyone said
I was amazing?
Okay, Mom, can you just
type this up in an e-mail,
because I'm gonna be late
for my other job.
Turns out, a producer
from the Eugene Senior Theater
touring company was there.
He had tears.
Anyway, one of their leads
fell in the shower,
and they want me to step in.
What? When is this all
supposed to be happening?
I'm leaving tonight.
They're already in tech.
No! Mom, my nursing exam
is in less than a month
and you agreed to help.
I'm 72. If I don't follow
my dreams now, when will I?
(SCOFFS) Never, Mom!
The whole reason we moved here
is so I could study more.
I already failed
the exam once.
No, don't guilt me.
You're not the only one
with a dead husband.
Dad's not dead,
you're divorced!
- Oh, and I'm gonna need you to take care of Fiona.
- (SIGHS)
The kennel won't take her.
She has crate anxiety.
You can't possibly
be this selfish.
I'm sorry, honey, but the
theater is calling me.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Oh! Literally.
They need my dress size.
Hi, there. Normally a zero,
but a two if I'm bloated.
Good night.
Hey, don't stay up too late.
KATE: Oh, God.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GASPS)
Holy crap.
Here we are. I'll be
around if you need me.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
Guess where I am?
Some dude's yacht.
You little tramp.
- I'm cleaning the carpets.
- Oh.
Oh, my God. Theresa,
look at this bathroom.
God, I could live in here!
Oh.
And they have candy.
Who has candy in the bathroom?
(GAGS)
That's not candy.
Yeah, because nobody has candy
in the bathroom.
- Oh, God.
- Because it's a bathroom!
Okay, come on, show me more.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is that the guy?
Is he married? He's cute.
LEONARDO: And that's not even
a very good picture.
Hello, Theresa!
- Oh, God.
- Hi!
By the way, she's single,
and horny.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
I'll get out of here.
No, no, no. I should get up.
Busy day.
I've got a lot of...
Whew!
Really nothing to do.
(CHUCKLES)
Colin, I'm ready for
my Bloody Mary. Yeah.
Mostly Mary. Yeah.
Well, now you know.
I'm a grown man with
a tattoo on his butt.
Is that Speedy Gonzales?
Do you know another cartoon
mouse with a sombrero?
(IMITATING SPEEDY GONZALES
SPEAKING SPANISH)
I hate the pussycat.
(CHUCKLES)
Let me guess, you were, uh,
a little tipsy when you got that?
Not at all.
I love Speedy.
He's fast, he's charming.
He's Mexican.
He outsmarts the pussycat
and brings delicious cheese
to his people.
And he's just fun to look at.
My name is Leonardo.
Kate. Sullivan.
You're very attractive
for a carpet cleaning lady.
Yeah.
Although you maybe could do
something with your hair.
Yeah...
No, well, no, that's not it.
It's your face.
Yeah. I mean, it's good.
I wanna like it,
it's just...
It's just somehow less than
the sum of its parts.
What animal do people
say you look like?
Apologies, sir, I thought
you were up and about already.
Ah, finally.
It's about time.
Um, have Chef Gerard prepare
breakfast. Then, fire him.
Of course, but perhaps we could
give him a few weeks' notice.
His wife's expecting.
But his food is boring.
Absolutely.
There you are,
sleepyhead. Hi.
Well, this is awkward.
We're wearing the same thing.
Wanna join us
in the jacuzzi?
Yes, my little angel.
- Boop! Boop!
- (GIGGLING)
Lead the way, girls!
Okay.
Boop! Boop!
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
Boop!
Oh, try to hurry. I'm pretty
sure I'm gonna need the room.
(KNOCKING)
- MAN: Excuse me, Captain?
- Yeah.
Checked the engine,
you're in luck.
It's just the anti-siphon
valve. No problem.
The mechanic agrees with me, dumbass.
I was just telling him
that I was right,
and that he's a dumbass.
Say, how'd this dude
make all his money, anyway?
He didn't.
His family owns the largest building
supply company in the world.
Now this is what
he does all day.
(GIRLS CHATTERING)
MECHANIC: Chicken fight?
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
(CAR HORN HONKS)
...so we'll fly to Mexico tonight.
No, we'll take the boat.
Papi is dying.
He'll hold on.
He's too stubborn to die quickly.
Listen.
When I'm in charge,
will there be a lot of meetings?
Because I've been thinking...
of buying a soccer team.
Sounds fun, right?
You are unbelievable.
What?
You're a child!
What?
The company should be mine.
I do all the work.
You can still do all the work.
I'll be the pretty face...
...obviously.
You'll be the brains.
It's a win - win.
Why does Papi have
these old, macho ideas?
That's not the reason.
Then what?
I think he just...
loves me more.
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
It's true. Don't be upset.
Look... I love you.
I love you a lot.
But...
you can be unpleasant.
I want to shoot myself.
Even you can't stand yourself.
I wish you were never born.
You need to relax.
I'm calling my masseuse.
God, help me.
Deep tissue or hot rocks?
I want nothing... shut up!
Four hands?
All right. Here's my info.
If you're ever in Norway,
look me up.
The summers are insane.
That's happening, Oddvar.
That's definitely happening.
Hi. Excuse me, I was
told to clean in there.
Something about
a glitter bomb?
Is that gonna disturb you?
No, not at all.
Hmm. I'm craving something.
What is it?
(SMACKS LIPS)
Excuse me,
are you talking to me?
Sweet, but not
too sweet. Hmm.
Is it mango? I'm pretty
sure it's mango.
No. No, wait, wait.
It's papaya.
Is it papaya?
I would have no way
of knowing that.
(SCOFFS) Of course.
Could you be a doll
and get me a little of both?
Hmm?
You know I was just hired
to do carpets, right?
I don't see why that should prevent
you from getting me a little snack.
Don't you have, like, 10,000
other people to do that for you?
Yeah. But you're right here.
Okay, I'm sorry, but I really
have to finish up
so I can pick my girls
up from school.
(CHUCKLES) Shh.
(MUTTERING IN SPANISH)
you don't know who I am.
I know exactly who you are.
You showed me your ass and did
a number on my self-esteem.
Then why don't
I have my fruit?
Beats me.
But I'm not getting it.
Okay. Fair enough.
You're fired.
(GASPS)
For not getting you a mango?
Or a papaya.
Okay, you know what?
That's fine.
Just pay me
and I'll be on my way.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm not paying you or the "We
Care Carpet and Fabric Company."
Dude, you have
a toilet in there
that costs more than
I make in a year.
You hired me to do a job.
I did it. You're paying me.
Nope.
Mr. Montenegro, ready
to ship out when you are.
Great! Push off.
The Pacific awaits.
Goodbye, Kate.
(EXCLAIMS)
You are a horrible person.
A first-class asshole!
"A first-class asshole."
You're no charmer yourself.
Oh, whoa! That stung.
(LAUGHING)
You selfish,
condescending prick!
I bet you haven't worked a single day
in your entire, self-absorbed life.
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
(LAUGHING)
And to think I was
this, this close,
to inviting you to join
us in the Jacuzzi.
(SCOFFS)
There isn't enough
penicillin in the world!
(HONKS)
No, no, wait.
No, no, no.
No. Don't untie the boat.
Excuse me, wait. Excuse me!
Captain! I'm still on board.
- Don't leave yet!
- (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
Women adore me. I'm charming,
and fit, and disease-free.
Oh, grow up.
You are a vain,
empty little man,
who'd be nothing
without his daddy's money.
(LAUGHS)
KATE: Oh, no!
You gotta be kidding me!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait.
Better jump off.
No. No. I am not going
anywhere, until you,
or one of your butlers
or bimbos writes me a check.
Fine. Next stop,
San Francisco.
Fine. I'll be a pain in your
ass for the next 12 hours.
(SIGHS)
I guess I didn't
think this through.
No, you didn't.
I can't believe
you're making me do this.
(SCREAMS)
(GASPING)
What the hell
is wrong with you?
Wait! My equipment.
LEONARDO: Oh, of course.
Here you are.
No! No, no, no!
It's very expensive! No!
Oh!
Wait. I forgot something.
Your bucket.
- Fetch.
- No!
(LEONARDO LAUGHS)
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
LEONARDO:
And just so you know,
my life is not empty!
Hmm?
Everyone wants my life
because it's meaningful.
I hate you!
Goodbye.
(GRUNTING)
(LEONARDO LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Oh, God.
And now I owe the cleaning company
$3,000 for a new machine!
And they fired me.
He is the devil.
Whoa, who's the devil?
- Leonardo Montenegro.
- Who's that?
Says here he's the son of the
third richest man in the world.
A Latino? Hell yeah.
Mi gente, babe, showin' up.
Hey! Those are for the crew,
right? Not their boss?
What are you talking about,
babe? I lost eight pounds.
Pretty soon I'm gonna be
breaking out my skinny shirts.
(VOCALIZING)
I love when he dances.
Bring back the Hasselbeck.
KATE: You know what I got
in my bank account?
$42. I need to get
another job. Like, tonight.
Bobby, are you hiring?
Yeah, sure, if you can haul
giant bags of concrete all day.
We could probably scrape
together a few bucks for you.
Just Benny started college
and somebody bought a boat!
Come on, babe,
we're gonna relitigate this?
I paid significantly
below market for that boat.
I had to buy it.
It was a steal.
Why am I even trying
to be a nurse?
I'm gonna be
delivering pizzas
and cleaning carpets
for the rest of my life.
Kate, don't say that.
Hey, look.
Have a garlic knot.
It makes everything just a
little bit better, I promise.
No, it doesn't.
No? I'll have one.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
COMMENTATOR: Moretti
plays it back to midfield,
controlling the
pace as always.
(LAUGHS)
I'm drunk.
Good, I'll take advantage of you.
(MOANING)
Oops.
Don't turn of.
Is there a problem?
My condom drawer's empty.
I'll fix this.
And the door was wide open,
but Magnusson hesitates...
(PHONE RINGING)
I've told
the man repeatedly,
for the nine minutes
I am having my supper,
I am off the clock.
(TV VOLUME INCREASES)
What am I paying
these people for?
- I'll be back.
- Okay.
Don't take too long.
- (WHOOPS)
- (CHUCKLES)
Hi, Papi.
(GASPS)
All good... just hit a wave.
(CHUCKLING)
(HUMMING)
Please be here.
(SCOFFS) Damn it,
I'm relentless.
Hmm.
- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- (SINGING ALONG)
(LAUGHS)
Yes!
Five!
...everything's under control.
(LEONARDO WHOOPING)
"Pancho's" having dinner tonight!
(VOCALIZING)
Whoa!
Help me, somebody!
Help me, please!
Please, anyone, help!
Colin! Help!
- Goal!
- ALL: Yeah! Yeah!
Help me!
Bringing him home safe and sound.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Please! Help!
(SCREAMING)
(WATER SPLASHES)
Help! Help, somebody!
(GROANS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
SHERIFF: Rough night, pal?
Hey!
(SIREN WAILS)
I don't wanna get
your hopes up, ma'am,
but we might
have found him.
LEONARDO:
Like I told the officer,
I don't know what day it is.
I don't know where I was born.
I don't even know my own name.
I remember nothing
except waking up
on a beach with
an ass full of sand.
You're a doctor, right?
Well, fix it.
And also...
(WHISPERING)
Can I get a prettier nurse?
She is the pretty one.
DOCTOR: Probably caused by acute
trauma to the medial temporal lobe.
Amnesia, really?
Is it permanent?
Well, the brain
is a tricky thing.
He might get his memory back
in a couple of days
or maybe never at all.
But to be honest,
we've only had
one case of amnesia
here in Elk Cove
and that was a pretty young
woman back in the '80s.
Fingers crossed,
this is your brother,
but this is a beach town, we do get
our share of homeless here.
So what happens if he's just some
poor guy living on the street?
Then he'll be shipped off to a
psychiatric facility up in Salem.
- Oh, my God.
- People get lost up there.
Here we are.
And he really
remembers nothing?
Not a thing.
LEONARDO: For the hundredth time,
I don't want chicken or beef.
I want fish.
A simple, grilled piece of sea bass.
With a buttery Chardonnay.
(WHISPERING)
That's not my brother.
LEONARDO: Do it! Today!
What are you waiting for?
(LEONARDO SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh, shit.
Shit! Ow.
Shit!
Shit.
I got two weeks. I am having
a total anxiety attack.
I can't make
those girls move again.
Okay, honey, hang on. I got
a half a Xanax in my purse.
We're gonna
figure this out.
Kate. Look at this.
I was searching for a used lawnmower in
the Beachcomber, and look what I found.
Amnesia. Right here
in our little town.
I told you this stuff happens
all the time.
Dude has no idea who he is.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's him.
That's the asshole!
(GASPS)
"An unidentified homeless man.
"General retrograde amnesia.
"There was hope
a Mexico City woman
"yachting nearby
might be his sister, but..."
That was his sister.
(SCOFFS)
Unbelievable.
I bet she's pretending
not to know him,
so she can take over
the company.
They did that on
Amor sin Maquillaje.
Okay.
We are going down
to the hospital right now
and getting the money
he owes me.
And add a little
for pain and suffering, too.
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna add a lot.
He treated me like crap.
Yeah, and I
need new cleats.
We're all gonna
get new cleats!
THERESA: Okay, wait.
Hey, Kate?
If he didn't pay you when
he knew who you were,
what makes you think
he's gonna pay you now?
(GROWLS)
This is so frustrating!
I hate rich people.
They get away with everything.
But you know what?
No, not this time.
Because I am not gonna
tell them who he is.
I am just gonna let him
rot in there.
Yeah, you could do that,
or you can be like them and take
advantage of the situation.
How? How could I do that?
Carlos, you still making
fake documents?
Absolutely not.
Out of that racket.
I'm a law-abiding American citizen.
(SIGHS)
State or federal?
THERESA: All right, hey, girls. I'm
gonna need you to help your mom
dig up some old family photos.
I'm gonna ask Bobby to loan us a box
of his useless, skinny clothes,
because I have an idea
that you're gonna hate,
but you're wrong because
it is poetic in its justice.
- KATE: Hi.
- Hi.
I'm here to pick up my
husband, the man with amnesia.
Oh. You must be Kate?
Dr. Fletcher was so excited
to get your call.
We all were.
I'll go get him.
Almost forgot. Here's
everything he had with him.
Thank you.
Wait, okay,
you're just nervous.
Yeah, really nervous.
This is crazy
and probably illegal.
Kate, come on.
Where are you going?
Look, do you wanna get evicted?
Of course not.
Okay, well, then stick to the script.
We have a plan.
One month until the test.
Bobby will hire him,
and he'll be an extra paycheck,
so you have time to study.
I barely know the guy.
I am not gonna let him move in.
But you're gonna
be there, studying.
That's why it's genius.
He'll never have to be
alone with the kids.
Come on.
You're doing this
for your girls.
I'm doing this for my girls.
There you go.
Okay, here, use this.
Bobby won't even notice.
Good news.
Your wife has come
to take you home.
(SCOFFS) Finally.
It's about time.
What? Wait.
I'm married?
Hi, honey.
I do not recognize this lady.
(SIGHS) I was afraid
this would happen.
Did you bring the materials
we talked about?
I know this must be
very disorienting,
but here's our
marriage license.
My name is Leo Sullivan?
Yes. Your great-grandfather...
Your great-great-grandfather,
Finbar Sullivan,
emigrated from Ireland, to fight
for Mexico in the war of 1846.
(SMACKS LIPS)
That's gobbledygook!
It can't be true.
Honey, we have been
married for 15 years.
We have three
wonderful daughters.
No, there's no way
I have children.
And if I did,
they'd be sons.
I'm just saying.
I have your passport,
your birth certificate...
Oh...
Here's a photo
from our honeymoon.
We went to Reno?
Now I know you're lying.
Leo! Sweetie,
stop puzzling.
I'm puzzling.
You and I are
Mr. and Mrs. Leo Sullivan.
We met in Cancun.
You were a tour guide.
I was working
on a cruise ship.
Is any of this
ringing a bell?
Nope. Nothing.
We dated
every time I docked.
We would get
frozen yogurt
and watch the sunset
over the Playa Tortugas.
That's where
we fell in love.
Sounds like you're
a romantic, Leo.
(SIGHS) Look, look, look.
I admit there are many things
I've forgotten,
but from the depths
of my soul,
I know I'm not married
to this woman.
So, unless I see
some real proof,
I'm getting a slice
of pie at the cafeteria, hmm?
Good luck, crazy lady.
Wait, wait. Wait. Honey?
I didn't wanna say this,
because I know
it embarrasses you.
But you have a tattoo of a cartoon
mouse on your right butt cheek.
No, I don't.
You're really my wife?
For better or worse, baby.
All right, here we are.
I know it doesn't look like
much, but it's full of love.
I'm poor?
Yup.
Come on in.
Oh, Dad!
- Daddy!
- We missed you so much.
(DOG BARKS)
I'm so glad you're okay.
Emily?
Hey.
She's too cool to admit it,
but she was
the most worried of all.
(STAMMERING) I'm sorry, I
don't recognize any of you.
Oh, come on.
Molly, Olivia, Emily,
your three musketeers?
No.
Uh... I've got homework.
How come they don't
look like me?
Oh, sweetie...
We had trouble
getting pregnant,
so we had to use
a sperm donor.
I'm sterile?
That doesn't change a thing.
You are still their father.
You've done everything
for this family.
Taken two, even three jobs.
I work?
How do you think
we can pay for all of this?
I'm afraid to ask, but
what do I do for a living?
Well, before
you got laid off,
you were a foreman at
the poultry processing plant.
Luckily, Bobby,
my boss's husband,
you met bowling,
gave you a job
at his construction company.
It is awful, backbreaking
work, I know,
but we are lucky
to have it.
(SIGHS)
I need a drink.
Lots of them.
- (CHUCKLES)
- What? Please don't tell me I'm sober?
You had your three-year chip,
but then you relapsed
and you ended up on that beach.
So what is that? Four days?
You got four days, honey.
- We're still really proud of you.
- Mm-hmm.
I see.
No alcohol. Whatsoever.
Nada.
I need to use the restroom.
I assume it's that room
over there with the toilet.
Look at you, babe.
It's all coming back!
(CHUCKLES)
Boop.
I don't like that.
(GRUNTS)
One more.
Boop, boop! (YOWLS)
This can't be my life.
(SIGHS)
Honey!
- Hey!
- Hi.
Running low on toilet paper.
Under the sink!
Of course.
(CHUCKLING) Yes.
Under the sink,
of course.
Please keep my beloved brother
in your prayers
as you head back to Mexico.
I'm going to stay here
until I find him.
Alive or...
Good thoughts, people.
Only good thoughts.
I was fat?
Um, yeah. You didn't make the best
decisions when you were drinking, honey.
(WHISPERING) Tomorrow
we're going to Goodwill.
Bobby's skinny clothes
are not skinny.
I assume these Seahawks
are some kind of sports team
and I'm a big fan,
because most of my clothes
have this God-awful
green and blue bird on it.
Football, Dad.
It's our thing.
We watch every game together.
Even when I haven't
done my homework.
Hey. Everyone does
their homework.
Including me. And right now I've gotta
memorize protocols for thoracic surgery.
So, Leo, why don't you get
dinner started?
What? Cook? Me? Cook?
Sweetheart, I know
you had a head injury,
but we made a deal.
While I'm studying for my exam,
you keep the house running.
But I don't even know
how to turn on the stove.
Oh! Honey, come on.
Salad, pasta. There's a jar
of sauce in the fridge.
Holy cow.
Ooh, ooh, ooh,
uh, pardon me.
Nothing like an icy cold beer
on a warm day.
Mmm, mmm.
(EXHALES) Yes.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Ugh!
Is this the sauce
we always use?
It tastes like red nothing.
And how are you supposed to tell
when the noodles are done?
Taste one.
(GROANING SOFTLY)
Mmm. Mmm.
Hot, hot, hot!
When's the maid coming?
As I'm saying this,
I fear I'm the maid.
No one cleans
like you do, sweetie.
(GRUNTS)
(WHISPERS) This is awesome.
KATE: Honey?
Try not to dilly dally.
We're all super hungry.
I like having a dad around.
He's not your dad, genius.
You agreed to have
a good attitude.
And I'll have a great attitude
if you let him babysit,
so I'm not stuck here watching
these guys all the time.
We went over this.
I don't want him to babysit.
Why does he only get
to do your chores?
I wanna go to the pool like
every other kid in my class.
I don't care!
He's not babysitting.
'Cause you think
he's a pervert?
Of course not!
What's a pervert?
- Nothing.
- Then can I have one?
No! He's not babysitting.
End of story.
Good night.
OLIVIA: I never get anything.
So, is this where
the magic happens?
You don't even remember
who I am,
and you still wanna
have sex with me?
Yes. Very much.
So, basically,
you wanna have sex
with a complete stranger?
Yes. Very much.
All right, big boy.
You know the rules.
What? Hey, wait, wait, wait.
I'm not sleeping with you?
You need 30 days
clean and sober.
You and your sponsor came up with that.
It was your idea, not mine.
(STAMMERS)
What are you saying?
- Boop!
- You're gonna make me sleep on the couch?
Nope. We tried that last time
and you ended up
in the liquor cabinet.
(SCOFFS)
So, where am I sleeping?
Here you go.
You have a cot and everything.
All right,
so I'm gonna lock up
the house for the night.
If you need to use the bathroom,
here you go.
I'm a nobody.
A poor, sterile, drunk nobody,
who has to pee in a bottle.
But you're my nobody.
All right, Bobby's picking you up
in the morning, bright and early.
So you need to get
some rest, okay?
Oh, and watch out for bears.
- (ALARM CLOCK RINGING)
- (LEONARDO SCREAMING)
What is that noise?!
(YAWNS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO)
- Buenos dias.
- Nice shirt.
- Thank you.
Yeah, don't spill on it.
It's a classic and everything.
Seriously, they're hard to find.
BOBBY: Okay, everybody.
This is Leo.
Burro. Burrito.
Vito, because he loves
The Godfather.
This is my worthless nephew,
Jason.
We call him Lucky, because
he's lucky to have a job.
And 'cause I got hit by
lightning. Twice. For real.
I shouldn't even be here.
Yeah. Gordo was like,
"Whoa, shit!"
Bro, you don't get
to call me that, okay?
And don't be so cocky.
I used to look just like you.
The hair, the abs,
the little bedroom eyes.
You definitely don't
get to call me that.
You gotta work for me
at least six months, okay?
Welcome, man.
Damn, you got some soft hands.
What've you been doing?
Back off... poor guy's got amnesia.
I know what he's been doing.
Working at a nail salon.
Those are some real lady hands.
a pool to dig. Let's go.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey.
Listen, I'm pretty sure
I've never worked construction.
So, I might be more suited
for running errands,
or maybe
some light office work.
I could be the guy
who gets the muffins.
Look, I got your back,
all right?
- I'll go easy on you.
- Good.
- Great.
- (SPEAKING SPANISH)
(GRUNTING)
BOBBY: Yo!
Any of this jogging your memory,
Lady Hands?
A little bit?
(LAUGHING)
a real easy job for you.
No, I'm just kidding, bro.
(LAUGHING)
I wish I could've brought
his body home, but...
...the shark did too much damage.
(SNIFFING)
Why does my son smell like meat?
- (SNIFFLING)
- Uh...
Because, in the end...
that's what we all are...
Hamburger.
You'll be throwing me on
the grill soon enough.
- Oh, my God!
- Don't say that!
No, no, no.
The new antibiotic's going to work.
I know this is an emotional time,
but perhaps we should talk about
the future of the company.
There's nothing to talk about.
When I'm in the ground,
you're in charge.
I'm humbled, Papi.
Look at you... the crown
you always dreamed of.
That's what you wanted, right?
Yes.
But not like this.
Not like this.
(BOTH SOBBING)
(GRUNTING)
- Coffee.
- Yes.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
MAN: Look at this guy.
He's got it all dialed in,
with his espresso machine
and that sweet little peach.
That's gonna be me one day.
You can come over
whenever you want, bro.
Hey, guys?
Can I get you to haul the dirt
on the other side of the house?
I know it's longer,
but Nadia and I are trying to have
a quiet morning.
Sorry, mister.
I don't speak English.
- No speak English.
(LOUDLY) Sorry.
I will talk to Bobby.
Si. Bobby.
I love doing that.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHTER)
(STRAINING)
What happened, Lady Hands?
Lose your memory and your muscles?
(ALL LAUGHS, EXCLAIMS)
Come on!
With gusto, buddy.
- (MEN LAUGHING)
- (GRUNTING)
(MEN EXCLAIMS MOCKINGLY)
(ALL GROANING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
Lady Hands, do it like a man!
Go for it, dude!
(GRUNTING)
(ALL CACKLING)
Do it again!
I need to film that!
He flipped like a monkey!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
washing the jersey, cold water.
You listen.
Gentle cycle. Okay?
(EXHALES)
(CLEARS THROAT) Bueno.
Hey, respecting
the wash instructions
is the best way
to respect the team.
And no reds, they tend to bleed!
Tortured, tired, thirsty.
Hi, honey!
How was your first day?
Terrible. My body.
Pain. Every. Part.
Oh.
I was in the car...
(MUMBLING)
And I said, "What?"
(MUMBLING)
Do we need to take him
to the hospital?
- I said, "Bobby..."
- No, no, no. No.
He is fine.
He just needs some rest.
Rest. Rest.
Oh, that's right.
Dirt is...
You know what? Why don't you
take a few minutes,
before you get started on all the
things you have to do tonight?
What? There's more?
(SIGHS) I know you're
having trouble remembering,
so I made you a list.
No, no, no.
It's physically impossible
for me to get off this couch.
I mean, my legs are
no longer functioning.
Look. Look.
I want, but I can't.
And even if I could move...
I wouldn't want to do any of
the vile things on this list.
(SPITS)
There's a couple more
on the back, too.
(MUZAK PLAYING)
MECHANIC: I know that guy.
How do I know that guy?
Hey. Do you work
at Jiffy Lube?
God, I hope not.
This is gonna drive me crazy.
Is this new sauce?
It tastes different.
LEONARDO: Yeah.
I added a few things.
Some chopped onion,
a little red pepper
and a pinch of something
called cumin.
I couldn't bear another bowl
of that tasteless slop.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
It's better, right?
I don't know.
I feel like we've been
having pasta too much.
Maybe you should
mix it up a little.
Okay, I'm gonna take
mine up to study.
Hey, after you clean the kitchen,
don't forget, it's garbage day.
It's entirely clear to me now why
I blocked out my life, Fiona.
It's a hideous existence.
Good night, you guys.
I love you.
- OLIVIA: Good night, Mom.
- MOLLY: Love you.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Aren't you exhausted?
Who would use exhaustion
as an excuse to not make love?
Everybody.
(SIGHS)
To the shed. I know. I know.
It's hard for me, too.
Nice work today.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Turn it off!
Turn that thing off!
You're spraying me!
Yo, I'm gonna post this on my Snapchat.
I'm gonna make you
a little beaver, bro.
How come we always
get the shit jobs?
- Because you're unskilled laborers!
- (EXCLAIMS)
Land of the free,
no land of the free lunch.
Let's get it done!
(SHOUTS IN SPANISH)
Okay. You are a genius.
I got seven hours
of sleep last night,
and guess what
he's making for dinner?
Chicken skewers, coconut rice.
Aw, I want a fake husband.
(SIGHS) Thank you. Thank you.
I got more studying done this
week than I have in months.
Maybe next time I ask you
to commit a crime,
you won't fight me on it.
...and I don't know,
I feel like...
I'm stuck in a life that isn't mine.
I mean...
look at this guy with his mansion
and his view of the ocean.
I feel like that should be my life.
Yeah, you should be living like
Bill Gates or Carlos Slim
with a big house and a private jet.
Me too, man.
That's why I play the lottery.
Every Friday at the same time,
I buy the same numbers.
12 - 21 - 45
My lucky numbers.
The day the Godfather got
shot buying oranges.
Those numbers are
really working for you!
(ALL LAUGHING)
You don't understand.
I feel like something's
profoundly wrong.
Sometimes I look at my wife and...
I have no idea who this person is.
Tell me about it.
You should've seen Sonia
in high school.
She was smokin' hot.
Now I barely recognize her.
She got really ugly.
Trust me, she's disappointed too.
He's one to talk.
No, I'm serious.
I don't feel like we're really
husband and wife.
We haven't had sex in
I don't know how long.
Really, I have no idea.
You know the last time
I had sex with my wife?
Nine months before
my daughter was born.
She just turned three.
- Quick, move away.
- He's looking at us!
you're lucky you have amnesia.
I remember when I thought
my nephew
was actually gonna
do something with his life.
Music is something. I'm an artist.
Yeah, an "artist".
on my couch, bro.
Yeah, well,
that tune's gonna change
when I thank you
at the Grammys, Gordo.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
You better pick it up, dawg.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause the Diaz metabolism
slows down around 30.
See this right here?
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
It's not gonna get you
on the charts, dawg.
Come on, let's go.
I don't feel like doing.
Why do you even wear
that hard hat, man?
Kiss my ass!
You know I can take you!
The thing is, the thing is...
I feel like I'm just a paycheck.
Lady Hands...
that's what you are.
- But not a very good one.
- (MEN LAUGHING)
Pathetic.
We all feel this way, man.
- Really!
- Absolutely.
- All of you?
- All of us.
Welcome to the club.
Listen, Lady Hands, you're blessed.
You got a decent job.
A wife who puts up with your crap.
Three beautiful, healthy girls.
Will you wake me
when he's done?
Don't be a jerk.
- (LAUGHS)
- (EXCLAIMS)
Know what Don Corleone
would say to you?
He'd say: "Act like a man."
And then he'd slap you.
Do I need to slap you?
No. I got it, I got it.
Well, then...
(MEN LAUGHING)
Act like a man!
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
- Okay, brother.
Hey, remember, don't tell
Theresa about the chicken parm.
Hey.
Hey.
I got you something.
Frozen yogurt.
Like the old days on the Playa.
- What?
- On the Playa Tortugas.
Oh, oh.
Right. Yeah, the sunsets.
- Yeah.
- Yes. Good times.
I couldn't remember
which flavors we liked,
so I got an assortment.
Thanks. This was
really nice of you.
I know I haven't been the
easiest to live with lately,
but I'm gonna try
a little harder.
I can't promise a lot harder,
but maybe I'll surprise myself.
Well, keep doing this.
Maybe next time,
bring some toppings.
Mmm.
Mango. I love mango.
Have I always loved mango?
As long as I've known you.
Ah, yes.
When we were young
and couldn't keep
our hands off each other.
No.
Okay.
Well... I'll be in my shed.
Trying to have a good attitude.
Just me and the spiders.
Oh.
Forgot my bathroom.
Whew. Whew!
- (MONITOR BEEPING)
- (SOFIA SIGHS, SPEAKING SPANISH)
I'm having a hard time, Papi.
Remember when I went to New York
to try to be a concert cellist?
You were furious and cut me off.
(SNIFFLING)
And I've forgiven you.
Mostly.
But Leonardo was there for me.
He flew to New York and...
helped me decorate my apartment.
He was the only one
who believed in my talent.
Always.
His death was very sudden...
and Magda's been so vague
about the details...
certificate for Leonardo Montenegro.
He died a couple of weeks ago
in a shark attack.
Yes. An attack by a shark fish?
I think I'm saying that correctly.
Oh my God, how much do
these things weigh?
90 pounds.
It's cruel.
They should make it so an actual
human being can carry them.
Probably save like
3 cents a bag this way.
Montenegro.
Greedy bastards.
Hey, it's payday.
About time.
Burro.
Burrito.
Thank you, boss.
Here you go, Leo.
And the client wats us to
leave early so he can...
get a massage or count
his money or something.
Hey! Hey!
Watch out!
What're you staring at?
It can't be, but this feels like
the first paycheck I ever got.
Don't lose it, Lady Hands.
- You got it, bro.
(SCOFFS)
- All right.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey, sweetie!
Bueno.
Oi, remember Hasselbeck.
He's way more mobile
than people give him credit for.
Hey.
- Why aren't you riding?
- It's no fun with training wheels.
I never taught you
to ride a bike?
It's okay. Some dads
can't be around that much.
No, it's not okay.
I'm gonna fix this. Right now.
Let me just put this away. Okay?
What are you doing here?
They got us working bankers'
hours today.
Whatever those are.
So then it's cool if you
watch those guys,
so I can go to the pool?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Thanks, Dad.
- KATE: Hey, Mom.
- You're gonna be blown away.
Modern Senior magazine said
my performance stole the show.
And the Saint Jude wellness
newsletter featured me on the cover.
That certainly justifies
leaving me without childcare.
Life's short, Kate.
You gotta do
what makes you happy.
I don't wanna have regrets
just because I didn't do
what I wanted to do.
You'll understand
someday, honey.
Shit! I gotta go, Mom.
Everyone's looking.
I don't care!
I asked you for one month,
just watch your sisters.
- And we don't even know anything about this guy.
- (SCOFFS)
Whose fault is that? I didn't
bring him into the house.
That's not the point.
And I'll tell you why
in two minutes.
We're not done
talking about this!
And because of you,
their pizza was cold
and they gave me a lousy tip.
Maybe you got a bad tip
because you run like a duck.
You better hope
everything's okay.
I hate this. I hate this
whole thing. It's so stupid.
(KIDS AND LEONARDO SCREAMING)
OLIVIA: I love the Seahawks!
Our team just ran the ball
to the finish line.
The end zone.
We've been over this.
Oh, right. Touchdown.
It's coming back slowly.
See, Mom, everything's fine.
No one died.
Oh, and, Kate, I got some of the guys
to help me fix that leak in the roof.
And you unpacked the boxes?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And I found these pillows.
The couch needed
a splash of color.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
What?
"Little by little, the bird
builds its nest." It's French.
Wait. I speak French.
Why do I speak French?
Uh...
Well, you were a tour guide,
and it's well-known
that Parisians love Cancun.
For it's chips and salsa
and its flamenco dancers.
Thanks for humiliating me
for nothing.
Hey! Hey, we had a deal,
and you didn't stick to it.
You're grounded.
Who cares? I'm basically
a prisoner here anyway!
- For a week!
- Kate, Kate, Kate. Hey.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
Okay, listen, you remember
what it's like to be 13.
I don't, but you probably do.
What are you getting at?
And no phone!
Hey, hey, I just think
maybe you're being...
I don't know,
a little hard on her.
Don't tell me how
to raise my kids.
(SCOFFS) "Your kids"?
"Your kids"?
Hey. Listen.
Just because those girls
were not conceived with my seed,
doesn't make me any less
their father or a man.
Of course not. I just...
I'm not done.
All I do is work and work
and slave for this family.
I may not have put us
in the lap of luxury,
but I'm a provider.
What you said was a low blow.
An unfair and hurtful low blow.
- Honey, I...
- Low blow.
I need some air.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Leo!
Right after I check the score.
FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR:
And it is good!
- We lost.
- A stunning win for Arizona.
I hope you're happy.
- Where are you going?
- I don't know.
And not because
I don't remember, hmm?
Because I don't know.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(GROANS)
My name is Leo
and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Leo.
To be honest, I don't really
remember my drinking days.
- Yep.
- Been there.
I got in a fight
with my wife tonight.
I stood outside a bar
for 20 minutes.
I came this close. This...
But here I am.
- ALL: Keep coming back.
- One day at a time.
Bloody stools
Bloody stools, bloody stools
Antiplatelet, bloody stools
Holy shit!
(GASPS)
(EXHALES)
Leonardo Montenegro.
Yeah, he was murdered by a shark in
your district several weeks ago.
MAN: Sorry, ma'am.
Haven't had a shark attack
around here in four years.
Really?
Don't you have to check
with other police stations?
Lady, I promise you,
if anyone's gonna hear
about a shark attack,
it's gonna be me.
Good luck to you.
Hmm.
(DOOR OPENS)
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um...
Sorry about tonight.
I'm the one
who should apologize.
No, I really need to keep
my side of the street clean
and, you know, cultivate
an attitude of gratitude.
I overreacted. I talked
to Emily and ungrounded her.
I'm just so stressed out
about this test.
Well, you've been
working so hard and...
(TIMER BEEPS)
I got it.
And I've been thinking
how I can help.
So I talked to Theresa
and she's okay with me
picking up a few of your shifts.
- Really? You'd do that for me?
- Yeah.
I'm not being selfless.
I'm just thinking
of myself less.
You like it with milk, right?
And a little sugar.
Oh, and I'll take the kids
all day Sunday so you can study.
By yourself? I can't let...
Actually, that would be amazing.
Great.
I was also thinking
that I should... Oh! Ah!
Sharp knife. Blood. Blood.
Lots of blood.
- I do not like blood.
- All right.
- All right, take it easy. You're okay.
- (PANTING)
- Let me see, let me see.
- Help.
I'm just gonna wash it off.
- Feeling queasy. Gonna faint.
- (WATER RUNNING)
No. You're not gonna faint.
- I'm fainting.
- No.
The room is spinning.
All right, let's just
sit you down over here.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
How bad is it?
Should I go to the hospital?
Do I need a tourniquet?
Relax. You are
with a trained professional.
- Do I need stitches?
- No.
Please help me.
I'm bleeding to death.
Oh, God! It's really deep.
(GROANS)
What the hell are you doing?
Cleaning the cut.
My God, you're such a baby!
(GROANING)
I got this.
I took a whole class on it.
Dressing wounds?
Dealing with
hysterical patients.
(CHUCKLES)
All right.
Okay.
There.
You have very good
bedside manner.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
Sometimes I worry about that.
No. No, you're a natural.
All right. There you go.
Good as new.
Well, um...
(SIGHS)
I guess I'll let you study.
Thanks for taking
such good care of me.
Okay.
Good night.
Wait.
You can sleep inside.
Downstairs, on the couch.
(GASPS)
You've made me very happy.
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING ALONG IN SPANISH)
(CRYING AND YELLING)
(CRYING)
What happened to Catalina?
She lost the baby.
(SIGHS) She lost it?
Now Arturo will never marry her.
Of course not. Never.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
We'll pick you up
after the game, hmm?
You're welcome!
Why can't we go swimming?
We're giving your sister
a little space.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(LAUGHING)
Too much space.
We're giving her too much space.
EMILY: Everyone's watching.
LEONARDO: I don't care!
I don't have to listen to you.
You're not even my real dad.
What? Your mother told you?
Well, I'm still not letting
you throw your life away
for some sex-crazed,
curly-haired wolf.
That boy wants one thing
and one thing only.
He's gay.
Okay. One different thing.
(CRIES SOFTLY)
What are you doing?
Why are you crying?
Because I'm miserable.
You are?
Yeah.
I was really popular
in Portland,
and here everyone's on group
texts that I'm not a part of.
And there's this boy in
my Spanish class that I like,
but he doesn't know
that I exist.
And he's friends with the
lifeguard here and that's...
- Wait, you're taking Spanish?
- Yeah, it's boring. I hate it.
Muy bien.
is very natural.
I mean, you still need
to roll the "R's".
- (SPEAKS SPANISH)
- What?
(SPEAKS SPANISH) Say it.
- You have to... Okay, okay.
- Dad!
How could he
not know you exist?
You're a beautiful, smart,
thoughtful young woman.
He'd be lucky
to be your boyfriend.
But you're way too young
for a boyfriend.
They'd all be lucky
to be your boyfriend.
Every boy here should beg
to be your boyfriend.
But I forbid it. I forbid it!
I know I'm all over the map.
It's just...
It's very confusing
having a daughter.
Look. I'm not gonna do
anything stupid. All right?
Go have fun.
Gracias.
Blue 52. Hot route left.
Hut, hut, hike!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Yes! Yes!
Go, go, go. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Go! Go! Go! Yes!
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
- Woo-hoo!
- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Go team! Yeah, we did it!
- That's my daughter.
We know.
Second touchdown.
(CHUCKLES)
We're winning, actually.
KID: Yeah,
we kicked their butts!
- KATE: Thanks for rescuing me.
- LEONARDO: Ah.
KATE: My mind was
turning into mush.
Hey, Molly!
When did you learn how to ride
without training wheels?
Dad taught me.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
She only fell once.
Faster! Faster! Faster!
- Come on, come on, come on! Yes, yes, yes!
- (MOLLY GIGGLING)
Whoo!
LEONARDO: So how do I get rid
of the brain freeze?
- Go like this.
- Like this?
- (GRUNTS) Mmm.
- (GIGGLES)
(CHUCKLING)
Are you gonna leave us?
What do you mean?
Of course not. I'm your dad.
Sometimes dads leave.
Well, I guess maybe they do,
but I'm not going anywhere.
You're stuck with me.
Thank you. (CHUCKLING)
(SOFTLY) "A. Sudden weight gain.
B. Abdominal itch.
"C. Bloody stools. D. Light..."
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Bloody stools.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(STAMMERS)
(GASPS)
Don't bury me yet.
Ay, Papa!
I'm all better.
Easy, you're still recovering.
I just peed on my own.
Can you believe
this quack was right?
I've been right for 30 years.
Papa!
I'm filled with happiness!
You can dial it back.
You still get the company.
(GASPS)
Probably should've given it
to you from the start.
I'm humbled, Papi.
(EXCLAIMS WITH JOY)
were you with Magdalena
when she identified
my brother's body?
No, ma'am, she was quite insistent
on handling the matter herself.
Are you insinuating?
Are you insinuating?
Should I be insinuating?
Should I be insinuating?
And before you answer that,
remember I'm Scottish.
I can do this all day long.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey! So, the test?
There was a couple that I blanked
on, but at least it's over.
Now I don't have
to keep up this insane lie.
Are you sure you don't wanna wait a
couple of weeks before you tell him?
I mean, good help
is hard to find.
Yeah, totally. And the guys are
really starting to like him, too.
No. No. Fair is fair.
He has paid his debt.
I have tortured him
long enough.
Okay.
You're really gonna hate
doing your own laundry again.
(SIGHS) Guys...
I feel pretty nervous.
I think he's gonna freak out.
BOBBY: Freak out?
Kate, you're telling a ditch digger
he's a billionaire, you know.
I'm pretty sure
he's gonna be okay with it.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, I need to talk to you.
Yeah. What's up?
I have to confess something,
and I don't know where to start.
Well, whatever it is,
I'm sure it's not
that big of a deal.
- It's pretty big.
- Yeah?
And this is gonna sound crazy.
Maybe funny-crazy
or crazy-crazy.
But I did something terrible.
- (TIMER BEEPING)
- Hold that thought.
Girls!
Dinner's ready!
Yeah. Sit down, please.
- Be careful, it's hot.
- It smells so good.
- MOLLY: I hope it tastes good.
- OLIVIA: It looks so good.
Use a spoon. Mmm.
So...
What's this awful thing
you need to confess?
I...
Come on, I'm your husband.
You can tell me anything.
(SIGHS)
I forgot it's our anniversary.
Really? (CHUCKLES)
Today?
Happy anniversary!
We're going out!
- (BAND PLAYING UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC)
- (SINGING IN SPANISH)
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
You guys are really good.
Thanks, bro. Tell my uncle.
LEONARDO: Fifteen years.
A lot of couples don't
make it that long.
Yeah.
Thanks for sticking with me.
I know I haven't made
things easy.
- It's pretty out here.
- Beautiful.
(SHIPS HORN HONKING)
Do you know what it means when a
ship honks three times like that?
Someone told me once,
but I forgot.
Yes, I do.
It's based on
an old, Spanish legend.
- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.
Very romantic, by the way.
You see, there was a poor
housemaid named Catalina.
She was very pretty and caught the eye
of the colonial governor's son, Arturo.
Okay, wait. You don't
remember anything,
yet you remember this?
It's a very famous legend.
So, they fell in love.
Of course.
But Arturo's father forbade it.
He couldn't have his only son
running around with a commoner.
So, he ordered Arturo to return
to Spain, which he did.
But not before
promising Catalina
he'd come back
and signal for her
with three long blasts.
Just like you heard.
This sounds suspiciously like one of
the shows the kitchen guys watch.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Uh-huh.
Anyway, a year later,
everything went as planned.
She swam out,
but the fog was too thick.
He called out,
"Catalina! Catalina!"
She yelled back,
"Arturo! Arturo!"
And with that,
he dove into the water.
They reunited,
and Catalina, who,
up until that point,
had been resisting him
because of some test
she had to study for,
finally let him kiss her.
Hmm.
Oh. Now I remember.
Three honks means a boat's
about to go in reverse.
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
Maybe. Factually.
But I...
(PANTING)
Was it always this good?
Every time with you
is like the first time.
Look at this thing.
We built it.
Your first pool, bro.
- Good job.
- (ALL LAUGH HAPPILY)
Hey, look at you,
you got working man hands now.
ALL: Yeah!
Yes, I do!
(ALL SHOUTING AND LAUGHING)
That's good.
FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR: Take that play, get
off the block there by Laken Tomlinson.
This guy will be a defensive
MVP one day, I guarantee you.
Dad, what's a pervert?
Um...
Well, uh...
When a man
has a van...
Kate!
Molly has a question for you.
(GROANS)
What is taking them so long?
Would you relax?
They said they were gonna post
the results after 2:00 p.m.
LEONARDO: All right. Halftime.
I'm getting lunch.
Oh, wait. Where's my list?
Here.
Mmm... Ciao.
KATE: Wait! Hey, I forgot.
Honey!
Get coleslaw, okay?
And maybe some potato chips.
Okay, got it.
Write it down. I know you.
You're gonna forget.
And get cookies. I want cookies.
Cookies.
Pen.
Kate!
What's the matter?
I don't know.
I was just wondering
what the wife on an
infertile man would be doing
with a strip of ribbed,
reservoir-tipped Trojans?
Okay... (STAMMERS)
This is not what you think.
It's nothing.
Nothing? We made a vow.
A sacred vow,
which I kept, I think.
And don't assume
I didn't have opportunities,
because I did.
Lots and lots of them. Probably.
This is nuts.
You know what, I'm glad.
I'm glad you found these,
because I have been trying to
think of a way to tell you this.
You and I...
We're not really married.
Have I not made you happy?
Yes, but that's not the point.
I'm not your wife.
Those kids in there,
they're not your children.
Oh, this again.
Low blow.
All right, come on.
Come on!
Girls?
Girls, I just told him the truth,
and I want you to tell him, too.
Go ahead, tell him.
Tell him what?
Tell him he's not your dad.
But he is our dad?
No, don't tell him
what I told you to tell him.
Tell him what really
happened. Emily?
He got drunk and
blacked out on the beach.
We were really worried.
I couldn't sleep.
No, damn it!
Tell him the truth!
Don't you speak to
my three musketeers like that.
I've had it.
What do you think you're doing?
- We like him.
- We want to keep him.
You can't keep him.
He doesn't belong to you.
He didn't belong to you, either,
but that didn't stop you.
- You know I have my reasons.
- So do we.
Leo, listen. Look, look, look.
Those condoms aren't Kate's.
They're mine.
Don't cover for her.
No, I'm not.
She's covering for me.
Yeah. I'm the one
sleeping with the customers.
(SCOFFS) Really?
I have a problem, Leo.
I'm obsessed with sex.
Come on.
I'm a sex addict!
It's a real thing.
What are you talking about?
Kate! I confessed.
You don't have to lie
for me anymore.
I can finally get
the help I need.
Now, don't worry.
You don't have to tell Bobby.
I'll tell him.
Do you hate me?
(SIGHS)
Of course not.
I know the flesh is weak.
Hey, one day at a time. Hmm?
Yeah, one day at a time.
(EXHALES)
I'm so sorry I didn't trust you.
That really scared me.
It was like my whole life
was a lie.
OLIVIA: Come on,
they're back on the field!
Hey. Second half's
about to start.
Mind doing the sandwich run?
What are you doing?
I can't keep this up forever.
Why not?
Okay, look, I know your relationship's
a little unconventional.
But whose isn't?
You guys are good together.
Stop fighting it.
I'll tell you one thing.
Pretend or not, Bobby's Latin ego
is not gonna like being cheated on.
- LEONARDO: Kate!
- Shit.
They told him.
You passed! You're a nurse!
(SCREAMING)
(ALL CHEERING)
MOLLY: Congratulations, Mom!
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
- Hike!
- Let's do this.
(YELLS)
- Hey, Gordo.
- Hey.
You okay?
Huh? Oh.
Yeah, well, you know,
I've been better.
Yeah.
But this is the
wake-up call we needed.
I wasn't as attentive to her
needs as I should have been.
You know, I can be
emotionally remote, bro.
We're starting couples therapy.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
Just, whatever you do,
you know, don't...
I'm sorry, take Kate
for granted. Because...
(SIGHS)
Look, I know we can be
a little machista.
- It's our way. Yeah.
- You know?
But your vulnerability
and honesty really touches me.
- (BOTH CHUCKLES)
- (SPEAKS SPANISH)
(MOUTHS) You owe me.
(MOUTHS) I know.
Oh, yeah,
this is a Christmas card.
EMILY: Oh, God, it's cold!
LEONARDO: I got you!
MECHANIC: That's him.
The chicken fight guy.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
My God!
Leonardo, you always
supported my musical dreams.
Like you said,
"When God gives you a gift...
it's your responsibility to use it."
This is for you. It's Bach.
(SNIFFLES)
(PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC)
It was here, that fateful night...
when Leonardo bravely fought
the savage shark and perished.
Today, his remais can...
Sofia, that's enough.
Thank you, my dear.
Today his remains can join
the rest of his body.
Let's each take a handful
of our beloved Leonardo...
and say our final goodbyes.
Sorry, sorry.
(CLEARS THROAT)
This was taken 20 minutes ago.
- Leonardo?
- What?
It's Leonardo!
He's alive! Leonardo's alive!
(ALL SPEAK INDISTINCTLY)
He's alive!
Hey, you guys! You guys!
Before I cut the cake,
I just want to thank you all
for being here.
I could not have passed
the test without you all.
- Nurse Kate!
- ALL: Nurse Kate!
Especially you, Leo.
He cooked, he cleaned.
He worked two jobs,
he kept me laughing.
And if you haven't tried
the empanadas yet,
they are delicious.
He made them.
They're gone!
(ALL LAUGHING)
What, babe?
They're delicious, bro.
Thank you, my love.
- You changed my life.
- (ALL EXCLAIMS)
Wait, wait, wait.
I want to say something, too.
I mean, look at this face.
- Look at this face.
- Oh!
Isn't this the most beautiful
face you've ever seen?
Second. Second most beautiful.
(ALL LAUGHING)
She's too good for you!
And also, I don't remember
the first time I did this,
and that doesn't feel right.
So, Kate,
will you marry me again?
- (GASPS)
- Holy crap.
Yeah.
Yes! Yes, I will!
- She said yes!
- She said yes!
(CHEERING AND SCREAMING)
That's what
I'm talking about, Leo!
Go, Mom!
That's what
I'm talking about, bro!
That's my boy right there.
Okay, that's love, baby.
"'And now, gentlemen, ' said d'Artagnan,
without stopping to explain his conduct,
"'all for one, and one for all.
"'That is our motto, is it not?
"'But still, look here.'"
- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
- (GIRLS GIGGLING)
- (ALL GASP)
- LEONARDO: Wow.
Whose fancy car is that?
MOLLY: That's so cool.
He's been through a lot.
Let's not overwhelm him.
(DOG BARKS)
Sofia!
Hi, Magda!
Let me just drop this
in the house.
Hey.
(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)
Papi.
Sofia.
Magda. (GASPS)
Oh, my God, I remember.
I'm Leonardo Montenegro.
(GASPS) Kate!
I'm cured!
The doctor said my memory
could come back suddenly,
and he was right.
I mean, I saw Papi...
I walked past him into
the house and poof!
It came back!
(CHUCKLES)
Honey, ask me anything.
Ask me about my childhood
in Mexico City.
About my car collection.
About my money.
Money. I have money!
Lots and lots of money.
(LAUGHS)
This is the happiest day
of my life!
Wait.
You're not my wife.
Why would you make me think...
Why would you do that to me?
I know why.
You're that awful carpet cleaner
lady who hates me.
And...
And these are your kids
and you made me believe...
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
You tricked me.
You used me.
Leo...
No, no, no.
My name is not Leo.
It's Leonardo.
And I don't belong with you.
And I don't belong with them.
I'll get my things.
(SIGHS)
There's nothing
in there that's mine.
For what it's worth...
I'm sorry.
And...
And thank you.
Come on, son.
(SOBBING)
Hey.
Girls.
EMILY: Don't go!
OLIVIA: Dad! Dad! Don't go.
Dad! Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
No! Don't go, don't go!
Wait, no.
MOLLY: Daddy!
Daddy, wait!
Welcome back, sir.
Your funeral was lovely,
by the way.
I liked Dad's sauce better.
Sweetie, you know
he was never really your dad.
You should have tried
to stop him.
What was I gonna say?
I lied to him.
I basically kidnapped the man.
So what? You're obviously
totally in love with him.
What does it matter now?
He's back to his old life,
with his servants
and supermodels.
It's over.
Now finish up, 'cause
Grandma can't wait to see ya.
You've made me very happy.
My father...
Leonardo Montenegro,
founded the company 100 years ago.
And now I can retire...
knowing my son,
Leonardo Eduardo Gustavo
de la Cruz Montenegro y Nieto,
will lead us into the future.
What?
You said I was going
to be in charge.
Well...
Life gave me lemons and
I was trying to make lemonade.
Don't get upset.
I'm going to need your help.
This is all new to me.
But I have some ideas.
See, he already has ideas.
For example...
we should sell 30 pound
bags of cement
in addition to the 90.
Here's why...
Do you have any idea
how much that would
increase production cost?
Ballpark...
Three million. A year.
Have you ever carried
a bag of cement?
They give you a hernia.
Who cares?
The people carrying them.
Are you listening to this nonsense?
Give him time, Magda.
The cub will become a lion.
(CHUCKLES)
No, I don't drink.
Wait, wait. I do drink.
Fill her up, Colin!
Yes, that was definitely
my recollection, sir.
- Give me the bottle.
- Ah, what was I thinking?
(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL SINGING)
This is horrifying.
(CONTINUES SINGING)
Why is she doing this?
Because life's short, and you
don't wanna have regrets.
Come on. We're getting Leo.
Yay!
Excuse us. Diarrhea. Excuse us.
(MOUTHS) Where are you going?
- (MOUTHS) I'll call you.
- Yes, yes, yes!
KATE: Hurry up,
we gotta catch him.
Sir, you should have called me.
I'd have gotten that for you.
You know, it's funny.
I've had this boat for 10 years,
and I don't think
I ever stepped foot in here.
Well, that's because
you have people
to take care
of everything for you.
You know, when I was
working construction,
I hated rich assholes like me.
Hmm.
Did you hate me, Colin?
You can be honest.
(CHUCKLES) Well. If I may
remind you, sir,
the reason I got this job was because
the last steward was honest.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Eh.
Can I confess something?
Hmm.
I'm not exactly sure
where I fit in anymore.
Is that crazy?
Most of us only know the world
that we're born into.
You've had the privilege of seeing life
from an entirely different perspective.
Yeah, I did.
And it sucked, didn't it?
What's up, Kate?
Bobby, we need your boat!
You hear that?
She needs my boat.
She needs it.
Good morning, Papi.
Morning, son.
Coffee?
Yes, thank you.
Beautiful weather we're having.
Yes.
What the heck?!
Why is the sun rising over there?
Because we're headed
back to Oregon.
What? Why?!
To be with that con artist?
Absolutely not!
I forbid it!
Papi, wait.
Let's talk about this.
No! I'm turning this boat around!
We're going back to Mexico!
Papi, listen to me.
This is ridiculous.
What's going on?
I'm stopping your brother
from throwing his life away
for some pizza nurse!
I'm a grown man!
I can be with who I want!
Yes, follow your heart.
What about the company?
You have responsibilities.
For once in your life,
do the right thing!
For the first time, I am!
I adore this new Leonardo.
So romantic.
I say go for it.
Right?
Yes, of course you want
him out of the picture.
Look what I found...
in something called "The Beachcomber."
a Mexico City woman
"yachting nearby
might be his sister."
That was you.
What?
You deliberately left
Leonardo in that hospital.
Is this true?
Of course not.
That could've been any woman
from Mexico City...
yachting off the Oregon coast.
Yeah, because there are so many.
You left him there!
- To rot!
- Please, Papi, you know I would never...
Quiet!
She's lost her mind!
You're sinister!
Quiet!
You're a lying goat!
- (BOAT HORN HONKING)
Three! That's Kate!
That's Kate.
- Leonardo.
- (EXCLAIMS)
Move away, Captain.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Arturo! Arturo!
Catalina! Catalina!
(ALL CHEERING AND SCREAMING)
- OLIVIA: They're turning!
- EMILY: Mom! Mom! Mom!
They're turning around.
Why are they turning around?
- I don't know.
- Bobby, do something.
No, no, no!
Papa!
Don't turn around!
Open the door!
Papi, please!
Let me in!
No! That woman brainwashed you!
Come on, come on, we're losing them!
Can't this thing go any faster?
No, it's a leisure boat, babe!
Just admit you overpaid.
Okay, okay, I overpaid!
We're never gonna catch them.
I should have sprung
for the 40-footer.
I'm sorry, Kate.
There's nothing I can do.
(ENGINE STOPS)
I love you, Kate!
- I love you, too!
- (SCREAMS)
What's he doing?
- Oh, my God!
- Whoa! That was amazing!
Man overboard!
That fool!
Take the helm!
- What? Kate!
- Mom!
- Mom!
- Kate.
I'm coming!
Mom! What are you doing?
- What are you waiting for? Get the dinghy!
- (SPEAKS SPANISH)
Get the dinghy, bro!
LEONARDO: I never want to be
apart from you!
KATE: I'll never
let you go again!
Leonardo!
If you do this...
it's over!
No turning back!
I don't care!
I love her!
Never actually been in this thing, bro.
I'll cut you off!
I swear!
So be it!
You'll be disinherited!
You won't have a penny
to your name!
Not a penny?
Nothing!
You'll be a pauper!
Wait! Wait!
Let's not overreact!
We can work something out!
What if I keep the Swiss accounts?
No!
Mom! What is he doing?
I don't know!
I'm negotiating!
Kate, get in here!
You're gonna drown. Come on!
And don't even think about
running Montenegro Industries!
Leo!
Your sister will be in charge!
I'm humbled, Papi.
Not you.
I'm giving it to Sofia.
You left your brother for dead.
(GASPS)
- (SPEAKS NORWEGIAN)
- (GASPS)
You're firing me?
You're kicking me
out of the family?
Of course not.
We're putting you in charge
of our charitable division.
The smelly, poor kids?!
Yep.
You're so insensitive!
Son, listen carefully.
Honey, are you coming?
This is your last chance.
What if you give me...
a generous monthly stipend?
No!
This is not how I envisioned
this moment.
I know. I know.
It's just that most people
don't actually
have to choose between
love and money.
It's not easy.
How about one lump sum,
held in trust...
No!
It's all or nothing!
That's your final offer?
Final!
Okay.
It's easy. I choose you.
Oye, Leo, you're giving up
a lot, dude.
No one would begrudge you if you
wanted to take a few minutes.
Bobby, would you stay
out of this?
What? I'm just saying!
Love fades, okay?
I mean, it's wonderful.
But some of the excitement
goes away. Now, money...
Bobby! Shut the hell up!
- You shut up, babe!
- Yeah! Shut the hell up!
LEONARDO: Kate, listen.
My life was richer
when I was poor with you
than when I had all the money
in the world.
If I jump back in the water,
will you promise
to kiss me this time?
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
(GROANS)
(ALL CHEERING)
(GROANS)
Sir, do you want to adopt me?
- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
- (GROANS)
Ay. (CHUCKLES)
A rich guy with amnesia,
a big-hearted poor girl,
a disapproving father,
an evil sister...
Real life is better than
a telenovela.
(ALL CHEERING)
Lunches are done!
Bobby's picking me up in five.
All right. You sure you can pick
up the girls from school today?
- Uh, yeah.
- I got it.
Emily, tell him I'm coming.
Yes.
Then I'll drop Olivia
at football practice,
but you have to pick her up.
- Colin?
- Hello again.
(LAUGHING) What on Earth?
(COLIN LAUGHS)
Hey, come here.
What are you doing here?
I was hoping you might
be in the market
for a top-notch, Scottish nanny
with excellent references.
You know I'd love that,
but there's no way
we can afford you.
Well, in fact you can, sir.
Sofia sent me back
with the yacht.
She wanted to remind you
it was a birthday present
from your father.
The deed is in your name.
It's still yours.
Oh, my God.
You mean I can sell it?
It must be worth a fortune.
Over 60 million.
Pesos?
God, no, ma'am. Dollars.
Oh.
(LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING AND CHEERING)
By the power invested in me
by the Royal Norwegian Navy,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
(KIDS SCREAMING)
- Go, Mom!
- Go, Mom!
EMILY: Go, Dad!
(ALL CHEERING)
(GLASS CLINKING)
BOBBY: Okay.
Before I toast the happy couple,
let me just dispel a few rumors
that have been floating around
about me being cheated on.
Never happened. Okay?
Not once, not ever.
There's just so much
I wanna say.
But I'm not a poet.
I don't have words.
I have music.
I'm very happy for Leonardo.
You are very happy for Leonardo.
She is very happy for Leonardo.
be there to celebrate with you.
But I'm here in the Philippines,
spearheading the Montenegros'
Children's Education Initiative,
and, oh, I've been here
helping these kids
have a happier, better life,
and they adore me.
- Right?
- No.
When we first met,
I was the catch. Okay?
I was the football player.
I was the quarterback,
all right?
She didn't even make
cheerleader.
She was on the spirit squad.
When I look at Leo...
(VOICE BREAKING)
When I look at Kate...
- When I look at Leo and Kate...
- (VITO SPEAKING SPANISH)
The words of Vito Corleone.
A wise man. A man of intelligence.
Sure, he killed many people.
But always for work...
never for pleasure.
Right now, I'm backstage
at the Golden Pond
Retirement Home,
about five minutes from curtain.
I'm playing Hodel
in Fiddler on the Roof.
- And I thought now was a good time to talk about allowance.
- (VITO SPEAKING SPANISH)
When you stab
somebody for pleasure...
you cut out his intestines and guts.
Leo has the best spaghetti
I ever tasted
I have never in all my puff
been at a wedding
where there's been a free bar.
Usually, at the end, the (BLEEP)
tries to settle up the bill.
And they're,
"Oh, no, I didn't have it.
"I only had beer, you
(BLEEP)"
There's always a (BLEEP)
at a wedding.
(PLAYING OFF-KEY)
PAPI: Leonardo.
You're still disinherited.
But I'm still going
to buy the yacht.
Not for you.
For my beautiful granddaughters.
They deserve the world.
to read a prepared statement.
"I never cheated on my husband.
"I never would.
- "No woman ever would."
- (VITO SPEAKING SPANISH)
...you peel back the
skin and muscle.
You take out the guts...
the intestines...
the pancreas... the kidneys and...
Anyway, congratulations to the
happy couple.
- Mwah!
- Cheers.
- (CHEERS IN HEBREW)
- Mmm.
- Ah!
- (GLASS SMASHES)
- Whoo!
- (BARKS)