[]
TRUST ME, BOYS.
NO ONE ELSE WILL THINK TO MEE DANNY KOSTAS BEFORE SCHOOL.
WHOA.
NO ONE?
HALF THE TOWN IS HERE.
YES! BUT...
HALF THE TOWN ISN'T.
JACK OUTSMARTED
HALF THE TOWN.
MM-HMM.
I PROMISED
YOU GUYS AUTOGRAPHS,
AND WE ARE GONNA
GET AUTOGRAPHS.
I HAVE A PLAN.
OH! HEY.
NO ONE'S
ALLOWED BACK HERE.
OH, THANK GOODNESS!
A SECURITY GUARD.
MOM ALWAYS SAID,
"IF YOU NEED HELP,
FIND A SECURITY GUARD."
WELL, YOUR MOM SOUNDS
LIKE A VERY WISE LADY.
WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE TROUBLE?
YEAH, WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE TROUBLE?
IT'S BEARS.
-BEARS?
- BEARS!
NOT BEARS.
I'M TERRIFIED OF BEARS.
BEARS ARE THE WORST.
WHY WOULD THERE BE BEARS
AT A CONVENTION CENTER?
IT'S THE DROUGHT.
THEY'RE COMING DOWN
FROM THE MOUNTAINS.
THEY'RE FORAGING
FOR FOOD.
-MM-HMM. I-I-IN THE DUMPSTER.
-ON TOP OF THE PARKING GARAGE.
FURTHER DOWN THE ALLEY.
WHEN YOU IRONED ON
THAT SECURITY BADGE,
YOU SWORE AN OATH
TO PROTEC THIS CONVENTION CENTER.
WELL, TODAY...
YOUR CONVENTION CENTER
NEEDS YOU.
WE NEED A HERO!
WE NEED...
OTIS.
ARE YOU SURE IT WAS BEARS?
OH, OTIS...
OTIS!
WOULD I LIE TO YOU?
YOU KIDS STAY HERE.
IT'S BEAR SEASON.
[REVERSE-ALERT WHINES]
NOW WE JUST HAVE TO
SIT BACK, RELAX,
AND WAIT FOR DANNY KOSTAS
TO ROLL IN.
HEH.
OKAY. I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE
OTIS JUST FELL FOR THAT," RIGHT?
WELL, NOW, DON'T BLAME HIM,
BECAUSE HE NEVER REALLY
HAD A CHANCE.
SEE, EVERYBODY HAS
A SPECIAL TALENT.
SOME PEOPLE ARE... ATHLETES.
AND SOME PEOPLE CAN
PUT THEIR ENTIRE FIS IN THEIR MOUTH.
SORT OF.
BUT ME?
MY SPECIAL TALENT?
I CAN LIE.
NOW, EVER SINCE
I WAS A LITTLE KID,
I WAS JUST ALWAYS REALLY GOOD
AT MAKING STUFF UP.
I FIGURED, REGULAR LIFE
IS BORING ENOUGH ON ITS OWN.
WHY NO SPICE IT UP A LITTLE, HUH?
[]
LIKE THE TIME I BUSTED MY ARM
WHEN I BLEW THE LANDING
ON THE SICKEST FLIP OF MY LIFE.
GAH!
[GROANS]
NOW, I COULDN'T TELL MY MOM
HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED.
SHE SAID ONE MORE ACCIDEN AND MY BIKE
WOULD BE HISTORY.
SO MAYBE...
SO MAYBE MY ARM GOT BROKEN
PROTECTING THE HABITA OF AN ENDANGERED OWL
FROM TWO
TREE-HUNGRY LUMBERJACKS.
GET 'IM!
[LUMBERJACK SCREAMS]
[GROANING]
-OH!
-[THUD]
YOU!
OH!
AHH!
[OWL HOOTING]
JACK PARKER,
THAT'S WHO.
AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I GOT TO KEEP MY BIKE
AND I MADE MY PARENTS PROUD.
NOW, MAYBE
I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE
TO ASK JENNIFER
TO THE WINTER FORMAL.
HI, JACK.
OR ASK HER ANYTHING AT ALL.
OR MAYBE I HAD A SMOKIN'-HO GIRLFRIEND FROM ARIZONA
WHO DIDN'T WANT ME
GOING OUT WITH ANYONE ELSE.
[SHRIEKING MANIACALLY]
SHE'S SUPER-POSSESSIVE.
MAYBE I WENT OVERBOARD
ON THAT LIE.
BUT...
MY BEST LIE,
MY GREATEST FABRICATION
OF ALL,
WAS MIKEY.
SEE, MY BELOVED RED SOX
WERE IN TOWN,
AND RYAN, ERIC, AND I
HAD SCORED AWESOME SEATS
RIGHT BEHIND HOME PLATE.
THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS,
I HADN'T CLEANED MY ROOM
IN EIGHT MONTHS.
YOUNG MAN,
YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE
UNTIL THIS ROOM IS SPOTLESS.
BUT... MOM!
[DEJECTED SIGH]
I... HAVE TO...
HELP... THAT KID.
-WHAT KID?
-THAT KID THAT...
I TUTOR?
MOM, I SWEAR, YOU DON'T LISTEN
TO A THING I SAY.
YOU TUTOR SOMEONE?
YEAH, IT'S QUITE WONDERFUL.
I, YOU KNOW, I TRY NOT TO MAKE
A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.
YOU KNOW,
JUST DOING MY PART.
HELPING A KID--
WHAT'S THIS KID'S NAME?
UH, MIKE.
BUT I CALL HIM MIKEY, YOU KNOW?
WE'RE KINDA TIGHT LIKE THAT,
YOU KNOW?
I'M KIND OF HIS ONLY FRIEND.
I AM SO...
[INHALING DEEPLY]
PROUD OF YOU!
YOU JUST GO.
HELP THAT MIKEY, OKAY?
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
COUPLE OF HARMLESS
FABRICATIONS AND...
JUST LIKE THAT,
THINGS JUST GET INTERESTING.
ERIC?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHH!
THE BEST DEFENSE AGAINST BEARS
IS TO PLAY DEAD.
GET UP. COME ON.
THERE WE GO.
OKAY.
[]
[]
DANNY! DANNY!
WE LOVE YOU, MAN.
MY BOY, RYAN,
DOES A PERFECT IMPRESSION
OF YOUR BATTING RITUAL.
[SNAPS]: SHOW HIM!
OKAY.
CAN WE GE SOME AUTOGRAPHS?
[SNAP]
[]
AWESOME!
SO COOL!
[SMACK]
MM! TASTES MINTY.
AW, WE GOTTA GO!
MS. TAYLOR
IS GOING TO KILL YOU.
OKAY, AND ONE MORE THING.
YES. LYING IS WRONG.
EXCEPT... MAYBE IT ISN'T.
NOW HEAR ME OUT.
RIGHT NOW,
OTIS THE SECURITY GUARD
THINKS HE'S A HERO.
AND... WE GOT OUR AUTOGRAPHS.
EVERYBODY WINS.
NO HARM, NO FOUL.
FAKE GIRLFRIEND? LUMBERJACKS?
CHECK.
BUT THE "MIKEY" STORY,
THAT WAS A MASTERPIECE,
AND IT TOTALLY CHANGED MY LIFE.
MIKEY BECAME MY GO-TO EXCUSE
FOR EVERY SITUATION.
YOU KNOW--
GETTING OUT OF CHORES,
BREAKING CURFEW,
BEING LATE FOR CLASS.
PEOPLE WERE HAPPY
LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH THINGS,
BECAUSE
THEY WERE HELPING MIKEY.
IT MADE THEM FEEL GOOD,
AND MAKING PEOPLE FEEL GOOD
CAN'T BE BAD, RIGHT?
[]
JACK PARKER, YOU'RE LATE.
IT'S THE THIRD TIME
THIS WEEK.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE YOU DETENTION.
I UNDERSTAND.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
IT'S JUST... [SIGHS]
I WAS UP ALL NIGH HELPING MIKEY.
WITH MATH,
HE'S JUST REALLY STRUGGLING,
AND HE WANTS TO
GET INTO COLLEGE,
SO HE CAN MAKE HIS MOM
AND HIS FOUR BROTHERS PROUD.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
HE HAD FIVE BROTHERS.
IT'S FOUR.
[VOICE CRACKS]:
IT'S FOUR NOW.
OHH...
HOW ABOUT WE JUST FORGE ABOUT DETENTION FOR TODAY? HMM?
[RELIEVED SIGH]
THANK YOU.
IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS TOLD MIKEY,
MS. TAYLOR--
YOU ARE THE TYPE OF TEACHER
THAT THEY MAKE MOVIES ABOUT.
[TOUCHED CHUCKLE]
HEY!
SEE?
I GET OUT OF DETENTION,
AND MS. TAYLOR
FEELS GREAT ABOUT HERSELF!
MY LIES ARE MAKING OUR SCHOOL--
NO, OUR WORLD--
A BETTER PLACE.
[GRUNTING]
COME ON!
-GIVE THEM BACK!
-NO! [LAUGHS]
[BULLY STOPS LAUGHING]
[EXHALES NERVOUSLY]
OH, HEY, LANCE.
ACTS OF INJUSTICE
LIKE THA REALLY MAKE
THE OLD ARM ACHE.
YOU KNOW...
WHEN I BROKE IT?
SINGLE-HANDEDLY TAKING DOWN
THOSE LUMBERJACKS?
YOU'VE HEARD THE STORY.
YOU SNAPPED THEM LIKE TWIGS.
TWIGS.
OH! OH... UH--
[HUFFS]
THERE...
THERE YOU GO.
NICE AND CLEAN, HUH?
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
THANKS, JACK.
YOU'RE ALWAYS STANDING UP
FOR THE LITTLE GUYS.
SPEAKING OF WHICH,
GIVE MY BEST TO MIKEY.
I SURE WILL.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I'M LIKE A...
SUPERHERO OR SOMETHING.
[P.A. SYSTEM CRACKLES]:
JACK PARKER.
THIS IS PRINCIPAL KAR.
REPORT TO MY OFFICE
IMMEDIATELY.
MR. PARKER...
I THINK WE NEED TO DISCUSS
THIS "MIKEY."
UH... HEH.
UM... WHAT ABOUT MIKEY?
THE TEACHERS' LOUNGE
HAS BEEN BUZZING
WITH TALES ABOUT YOU TUTORING
A MYSTERIOUS BOY
FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL.
AND I HAVE TO SAY...
I AM
VERY, VERY IMPRESSED.
TAKING TIME
OUT OF YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE
TO HELP OTHERS, IT'S...
[SIGHS]
OH, IT'S MADE US ALL VERY PROUD.
YOU MAY BE WONDERING
WHERE THIS IS GOING.
I KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE THIS IS GOING.
HE'S GONNA NOMINATE ME
FOR "STUDENT OF THE YEAR."
I AM GOING TO NOMINATE YOU--
[GIGGLING GIDDILY]
YOU!
...FOR "STUDENT OF THE YEAR."
WHAT?
"STUDENT OF THE YEAR!"
I-I-I WAS REALLY
NOT EXPECTING THIS.
I MEAN, HELPING MIKEY
IS ITS OWN REWARD.
THE WINNER GETS
HIS OR HER CHOICE
OF ANY SUMMER INTERNSHIP.
YOU MEAN LIKE THE BAT BOY
FOR THE BOSTON RED SOX?
THAT KIND OF INTERNSHIP?
YOU DA MAN!
[GAME ANNOUNCER]:
AND NOW...
FULFILLING HIS LIFE-LONG DREAM,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR YOUR HOMETOWN HERO
AND FUTURE ALL-STAR
RED SOX BAT BOY...
JACK PARKER-R-R-R!
[CROWD ROARING,
FIREWORKS POPPING]
UH, JACK?
OH! UH...
I MEAN, IF I WERE TO WIN,
THEN THAT'S WHAT I WOULD CHOOSE,
YOU KNOW.
BUT-- [SIGHS]
IT'S JUST AN HONOR
TO BE NOMINATED.
OH, JACK!
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!
OH...
MOM, I LIVE
TO MAKE YOU PROUD.
[JACK CHUCKLES]
SO, UH, WHY
ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?
YOUR PRINCIPAL CALLED.
YOU'RE ONE OF THE FIVE FINALISTS
FOR "STUDENT OF THE YEAR"!
OH... THAT.
NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED. NEVER.
LIKE, EVER.
NEVER EVER. EVER.
NEVER?
EVER.
YOU HAVE GIVEN
SO MUCH TO THAT MIKEY.
YOU DESERVE THIS AWARD.
AND I KNOW
WHERE WE'RE GONNA PUT IT!
RIGHT HERE,
SO EVERYONE CAN SEE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE I DO DESERVE IT.
SPEAKING OF DOING
SOMETHING GOOD--
I NEED ONE OF YOU
TO HELP ME CLEAN OU THE GARAGE TODAY.
I THINK A POSSUM
DIED IN THERE.
PLACE IS GETTING
PRETTY RIPE.
WELL, I CAN'T DO IT.
NICK'S TAKING ME TO DINNER
AT THE WIENER PALACE
FOR OUR THREE-WEEK ANNIVERSARY.
HOW 'BOUT IT, SPORT?
OH, DAD, YOU KNOW
THAT I WOULD LOVE
TO SPEND
SOME QUALITY BONDING TIME
SEARCHING FOR A ROTTING
MARSUPIAL CORPSE WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW I WOULD!
[SIGHS]
BUT MIKEY HAS A CHEM TEST,
AND I PROMISED HIM
THAT WE'D STUDY.
YOU HELP THAT MIKEY.
HE NEEDS YOU.
HANNAH CAN
HELP YOUR FATHER.
BUT MY ANNIVERSARY--
SWEETIE, THREE WEEKS
IS NOT AN ANNIVERSARY.
BUT--
HANNAH, YOU ARE THE BEST.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU
ARE THE REASON
THAT PEOPLE LIKE ME
GET NOMINATED FOR AWARDS.
THANK YOU.
[]
AH. OKAY.
RIGHT!
LOOKING GOOD, SIS.
BROTHERS.
HAPPY HUNTING.
ALRIGHT, SWEETHEART.
IF YOU FIND THE POSSUM
AND IT ISN'T MOVING,
IT COULD JUS BE PLAYING POSSUM.
OR IT'S DEAD
FROM RABIES.
GROSS.
EITHER WAY,
DON'T TOUCH IT.
USE THIS POSSUM CLUB.
EW, I THINK I FOUND IT!
GET THE TRASH BAG!
OH, IT'S ALIVE!
IT'S ALIVE
AND I THINK IT HATES ME!
USE THE CLUB!
USE THE POSSUM CLUB!
IT'S A BROOM, DAD!
[GRUNTS]
LOOK, YOUR SHOW
IS THE NUMBER-ONE
WEEKLY ANNOUNCEMENT SHOW
IN THIS SCHOOL--
IT'S THE ONLY
WEEKLY ANNOUNCEMENT SHOW
IN THIS SCHOOL.
IT'S STILL NUMBER ONE!
OKAY? POINT IS--
I TELL ONE MORE
KILLER MIKEY STORY ON AIR,
AND I HAVE THAT "STUDEN OF THE YEAR" AWARD LOCKED.
YEAH, BUT TELLING EVERYONE
YOU HELD A BOTTLE DRIVE
TO RAISE MONEY
TO BUY A BIONIC TAIL
TO SAVE
MIKEY'S SICK DOG?
I MEAN, MAYBE
YOU'RE GOING TOO BIG.
NO, THIS IS
THE TIME TO GO BIG.
IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH.
I GOTTA SWING FOR THE FENCES.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO BIGGER.
[SNAPS] WHAT IF...
ITS TAIL SHOOTS LASERS?
THAT'D BE AWESOME.
A LITTLE
TOO BIG, BUDDY.
BUT I LIKE WHERE
YOUR HEAD'S AT.
I'M STICKING WITH
THE REGULAR BIONIC TAIL.
I'M INSPIRED
JUST THINKING OF IT.
HEY, JACK.
OH, HI! UH--
JEN...
...NIFER.
HOW'S, EH...?
HI.
YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER.
OH. NO, REALLY?
THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN.
I'M DYING HERE!
NO, I MEAN,
YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER.
LISA WILL FREAK OUT!
LISA?
YOUR SUPER-POSSESSIVE
GIRLFRIEND FROM ARIZONA?
OH. OH, RIGHT.
OKAY, I'LL GE RID OF HER,
AND THEN I'LL MEE YOU IN THE STUDIO.
OKAY.
HEY, LISTEN, I JUST WANTED
TO CONGRATULATE YOU
ON THE WHOLE STUDENT OF THE YEAR
NOMINATION.
IT'S SO COOL WHA YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR MIKEY.
THANKS. HEH. YOU.
NO, THANK-- THANK YOU
IS WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.
OH, BOY. UH...
LISTEN, I'M SORRY.
I'M REALLY NERVOUS.
I DON'T LIKE
ALL THIS ATTENTION.
YEAH.
I'M THAT WAY, TOO.
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
UM, SO CAITLIN IS HAVING
A POOL PARTY THIS WEEKEND,
AND I WAS THINKING...
MAYBE YOU, RYAN AND ERIC
MIGHT WANT TO COME TO IT?
S-SERIOUSLY?
I MEAN, UH, SERIOUSLY?
CAITLIN HAS A-- HAS A POOL
IN THIS CLIMATE?
THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF WORK.
YOU GOTTA GOTTA DRAIN I IN THE WINTER.
BUT YEAH, NO, NO THAT'D BE FUN.
WE COULD TOTALLY POOL PARTY.
[SHE LAUGHS]
COOL. WELL, UH...
GOOD LUCK IN THERE.
THANKS.
HEY!
YOU SHOULD BRING MIKEY.
YOU KNOW, I'D LOVE
TO FINALLY MEET HIM.
TOTALLY! YEAH!
OH...
HE'S TAKING HIS DOG IN
FOR A SOFTWARE UPDATE THAT DAY.
SOFTWARE UPDATE?
YOU'LL SEE.
[LAUGHS] BYE.
SO, IN CONCLUSION,
BASED ON MY EXEMPLARY
ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE,
PERFECT ATTENDANCE,
AND MY POSITION
AS ASSISTANT MANAGER OF
THE JUNIOR VARSITY SWIM TEAM,
I BELIEVE I SHOULD BE
YOUR STUDENT OF THE YEAR.
THANK YOU.
[CANNED APPLAUSE PLAYS]
THANK YOU, STEPHANIE.
THAT WAS A LONG LIST OF THINGS
YOU JUST READ.
[FORCED CHUCKLE]
AND NOW...
IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE
TO CALL UP OUR FINAL NOMINEE--
[DRUM ROLL PLAYS]
[DRUM-ROLLING ON HIS DESK]
JACK PARKER!
HEY!
-[CHUCKLES]
-OH! HEY--
PRINCIPAL KAR.
ESTEEMED TEACHERS,
FELLOW STUDENTS...
DO I DESERVE
STUDENT OF THE YEAR?
THAT'S NOT FOR ME
TO DECIDE.
WHAT I DO KNOW IS,
STUDENT OF THE YEAR
WAS THE FURTHEST THING
FROM MY MIND
THE DAY
I FINALLY RAISED ENOUGH MONEY
TO BUY MIKEY'S POOR, SICK DOG
A ROBOT TAIL.
[CANNED AUDIENCE "AW"ING
AND GUSHING]
YOU SHOULD'VE
SEEN THE LITTLE GUY...
WAGGING THAT THING.
I MEAN, HE ALMOST TOOK OFF.
[QUIETLY TO SELF]:
THIS MAN IS AN ARTIST.
I MAY NOT HAVE
THE BEST GRADES
OR THE PERFECT ATTENDANCE,
BUT I'M THE TYPE OF GUY
THAT'LL RAISE MONEY
TO BRING A POOR, SICK DOG'S BUT INTO THE 21ST CENTURY.
I JUST WISH...
I WISH MIKEY
COULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW.
IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH FOR ME
TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH HIM.
[SNIFFLING]
IF HE WERE HERE RIGHT NOW,
I WOULD TELL HIM--
[BOY]: TELL ME WHAT, JACK?
WHO SAID THAT?
[BOY]: IT'S ME!
MIKEY!
[]
MIKEY?
NO!
[CANNED APPLAUSE PLAYS]
MIKEY!
HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S MIKEY!
UH-H-H-H...
W-- YOU'RE HERE.
'COURSE I'M HERE!
I'M NOT GONNA MISS MY GOOD
FRIEND'S SPECIAL DAY. NO WAY!
HOW ABOU THIS GUY?
ISN'T HE THE GREATEST?
[ALL APPLAUDING]
[TENSE SIGH]
OKAY!
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M MIKEY!
NO. NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. NO.
NO.
YES. YES, YES, YES.
YES, YES. YES, YES.
YES.
THA-- THAT CAN'T BE.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
OF COURSE YOU HAVE.
JUST CHECK US OUT ON
"FACES AND FRIENDS."
WHA--
NO. OKAY, IT CAN'T BE.
IT SURE CAN.
DUDE!
OH... DUDE.
I'M SURE I HAVE YOU TO THANK
FOR THIS LITTLE PRANK.
ME? NO. I DON'T HAVE
THE LEVEL OF COMMITMEN TO TAKE ON
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
AND I THINK
IT'S A STEP ABOVE
ERIC'S CAPACITY FOR
PLANNING AND EXECUTION.
IS HE REAL?
AM I REAL?
IS ANYTHING REAL?
YOU MUST BE RYAN.
JACK'S TRIED-AND-TRUE
BEST FRIEND.
THE KIND OF GUY
THAT'D GIVE YOU
THE UNDERWEAR
OFF HIS BUT IF YOU NEEDED 'EM.
AW, DUDE! YOU TOLD
HIM ABOUT THAT?
THAT WAS A SECRET.
IT IS A SECRET!
WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
IT ISN'T!
I THOUGH YOU MADE MIKEY UP!
I DID MAKE HIM UP.
WELL, THEN WHO'S TALKING
TO ERIC OVER THERE?
A QUARTER?
CHECK THE OTHER EAR.
CHECK THE OTHER EAR!
LOVIN' ME SOME ERIC.
I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET JEN
AND ALL YOUR OTHER FRIENDS!
[SIGHS] MAN.
IF HE STARTS
TALKING TO EVERYONE,
I WON'T WIN
STUDENT OF THE YEAR.
I WON'T GET TO GO TO FENWAY,
AND FORGET ABOUT HANGING
WITH DANNY KOSTAS.
MAN, WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF--
OH!
JACKIE!
[GASPS] OH!
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH,
JACKIE, BOO-BOO BEAR!
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M LISA,
YOU SILLY GOOSE.
OH! THIS IS LISA!
YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
-FROM ARIZONA.
-COOL.
NO! NOT COOL.
IT'S NOT REAL.
I MADE IT UP.
THERE'S NO ARIZONA?
I KNEW THE GRAND CANYON
WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!
WAIT! YOU MADE UP
A FAKE GIRLFRIEND?
YOU LIED TO US?
I AM NOT FAKE!
SEE WHAT I MADE
FOR YOU, SNOOKUMS?
[]
DUDE?
ON IT.
HEY... JEN. [CHUCKLES]
UH... I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
OKAY, OKAY.
UH, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
WHY WOULDN'T I WANT TO
SEE MY BOYFRIEND?
WHAT?
I'M NO YOUR BOYFRIEND!
ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?
[SOBS]
AFTER I DROVE
ALL THE WAY FROM ARIZONA?
ON A LEARNER'S PERMIT?
WOW, JACK, I'M SURPRISED!
YOU AND LISA
ALWAYS SEEMED SO SOLID.
HMM...
I HAVE NO IDEA
IF YOU SHOULD TAKE JAZZ OR TAP.
AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHY YOU'VE BEEN MEANING
TO ASK ME THAT.
OKAY. JUST, UH...
TELL ME
WHICH YOU LIKE BETTER.
THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL!
WHAT WE HAVE ISN'T REAL?
[DARKLY]:
I SEE HOW IT IS.
[ROARS]: YOU THINK
YOU CAN JUST THROW ME AWAY,
LIKE A STALE ENCHILADA?
WELL, GIRLFRIENDS
ARE NOT ENCHILADAS, JACK!
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN' BE BREAKING UP
IN PUBLIC LIKE THIS.
WE AREN'T BREAKING UP.
WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE
BREAKING UP
BECAUSE WE WERE NEVER DATING!
[STARTS WAILING]:
WAH-AH-AH!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
HOW ABOUT THIS?
[LISA WAILING LOUDLY
IN THE DISTANCE]
LET'S GO OVER HERE
WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU CRYING.
[LISA WHIMPERING]
TA-DAH!
AS IMPRESSIVE
AS THIS IS... NOT,
JUST TELL JACK THA I CAME OUT HERE TO SEE MIKEY,
BUT YOU WEIRDED ME OUT,
SO I LEFT.
OKAY.
I THINK JAZZ,
BUT...
LET ME SEE
THE TAP AGAIN.
CALM DOWN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME.
I'M REALLY EXCITED TO SEE YOU.
I KNEW IT!
I KNEW YOU WERE THE ONE.
LET'S GET A FAMILY CELL PLAN.
THAT WAY,
OUR LOVE WILL BE FOREVER.
YEAH... LET'S DO THAT.
UH... OH! BUT I GOT SCHOOL,
SO HOW ABOUT I MEET YOU AFTER?
AFTER SCHOOL IT IS. EE!
OKAY.
OH! YOU KNOW WHAT, MIKEY?
WHY DON'T YOU GO WITH HER,
SO SHE DOESN'T GET LOST?
OH, BUT I WANTED
TO MEET--
THANKS, MAN.
YOU'RE JUST THE BEST.
DON'T KEEP ME WAITING
TOO LONG, POOKIE.
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE
TO BE DISAPPOINTED.
[GIGGLES]
DUDE! WHAT IS HAPPENING?
WORST-CASE SCENARIO?
WORST-CASE SCENARIO!
ALL OF MY LIES
ARE ALL COMING TRUE.
SOMEHOW, THE THINGS
THAT I MADE UP ARE REAL NOW.
WHAT? HOW? WHAT?
EXACTLY.
SO, WAIT--
IF I LIE ABOUT SOMETHING,
IT'LL COME TRUE?
I... HAVE A JET-PACK!
I MEAN, I'M NO GOING CRAZY, AM I?
AM I GOING CRAZY?
[THUD]
GUYS, IT DIDN' WORK FOR ME.
MAYBE I SHOULD TO
TRY IT FROM HIGHER.
WE CAN'T BOTH
BE GOING CRAZY.
I'M SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY
REASONABLE EXPLANATION
FOR ALL THIS.
HAVE YOU ANGERED A GENIE?
OR, UH, STOLEN GOLD
FROM A LEPRECHAUN?
NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.
WELL, WE NEED TO FIGURE OU HOW TO STOP THIS
BEFORE IT GETS WORSE.
"WORSE"?
HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY
GET ANY WORSE?
OH! WHY WOULD
YOU SAY THAT?
YOU NEVER SAY THAT!
ROOKIE MOVE, MAN!
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN
COME INTO OUR FOREST,
PICK A FIGHT...
AND JUST FORGET ABOUT IT?
WE DIDN'T FORGET.
LUMBERJACKS
HAVE MEMORIES LIKE MOOSE.
MOOSE HAVE EXCELLENT MEMORIES.
DON'T TELL ME.
THE LUMBERJACKS?
FROM WHEN YOU DIDN'T BREAK
YOUR ARM AT THE BIKE PARK?
OH, OKAY. GUYS...
THERE'S NO NEED TO GET PHYSICAL.
WE CAN WORK THIS OUT!
I CAME HERE TO WEAR FLANNEL
AND KICK BUTT.
AND I ALREADY
GOT MY FLANNELS ON!
FLANNEL IS THE FABRIC OF CHOICE
FOR LUMBERJACKIN'
BECAUSE IT CONTINUES TO INSULATE
EVEN WHEN IT'S WET.
THAT WAS
SURPRISINGLY INFORMATIVE.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT THEM.
YOU GUYS TAKE THE BIG ONE.
THEY'RE BOTH THE BIG ONE!
[ROARS]
[STOPS ROARING]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
STURDY. HEH.
GOOD LUCK.
OKAY. I CAN BUY YOU
THREE SECONDS.
HEY, GUYS!
CAN I GET YOUR OPINION
ON SOMETHING?
[FEET TAPPING]
NO-NO-NO--
NO, OKAY. OKAY.
[RYAN YELPS]: OOH! I DON'T THINK
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO STRETCH!
AHH--
OOH! AH!
[HIGH VOICE]:
SO MAYBE THE JAZZ, THEN?
[LUMBERJACKS GRUNTING]
[FUMING]
-PULL HARDER!
-IT'S SUCK!
YOU'D BETTER BE
COWERING IN THERE!
[GRUNTING]
[ROCK]: COME ON, CHIP!
PUT SOME MUSCLE INTO IT.
JACK?
AHH. HI, JENNIFER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
OH. UM, LUMBERJACKS.
I'M GOING TO PRETEND
THAT'S NOT A WEIRD ANSWER.
SO, UH, WHATCHA--
WHATCHA DOIN'?
OH, JUS TALKING TO MIKEY.
WHAT?
HEY, BUDDY.
NICE SHIRT!
A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN' PULL OFF THE SHREDDED LOOK,
BUT YOU ARE NAILIN' IT.
[SNAP]
-[ROARING]: IT'S TIMBER-R-R-R--
-TIMBER-R-R--
[OVERLAPPING, MEEKLY]:
...TIME.
OKAY, UH, LET'S GO
STAND SOMEWHERE ELSE.
HERE THEY ARE!
OKAY.
COLUMBIAN MAPLE?
[SCOFFS]
IT'S LIKE THE GUY'S NEVER
BARRICADED A DOOR BEFORE.
[BOTH CRACKING UP]
[PLANK CLATTERS]
I TOLD YOU
TO STAY WITH LISA.
OH, SHE GOT TIRED OF
WAITING AROUND AND TOOK OFF.
SOMETHING ABOU STAKING OUT YOUR HOUSE?
WAIT. WHO'S LISA?
OH, UH, JUST A...
OLD FRIEND FROM COLLEGE.
YOU'RE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL.
IT WAS A SUMMER PROGRAM.
WELL, I'M GLAD
I GOT TO FINALLY MEET MIKEY.
HE'S FANTASTIC.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING RIGHT NOW?
YOU HAVE TO COME OVER
TO MY HOUSE.
WE HAVE
THE CUTEST KITTY.
AW!
YOU THROW IN SOME LEMONADE,
AND YOU JUST DESCRIBED
MY PERFECT AFTERNOON.
WE'VE GOT A HUGGER!
OH, OKAY.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER?
YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER.
-WHY CAN'T I TALK TO HER?
-YEAH, WHY CAN'T HE TALK TO ME?
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,
YOU GUYS ARE JUS BOTH COMPLETE STRANGERS.
WE ARE NOT STRANGERS.
YOU'VE TOLD ME
SO MUCH ABOUT JENNY,
-I FEEL LIKE I ALREADY KNOW HER.
"JENNY"?
YOU TALK ABOUT ME?
PFFT. NO!
SURE HE DOES.
AND YOU ARE JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS
JACK IS ALWAYS SAYING YOU ARE.
I NEVER TOLD SAID THAT TO YOU!
YOU DON'T THINK
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL?
OH, WHAT? [STAMMERING]
NO, I-- [SIGHING]
WILL YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND?
THANK YOU.
I CAN SEE WHY
YOU LIKE HER SO MUCH.
DUDE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!
WILL YOU PLEASE JUST STAY AWAY
FROM HER? AND ALL MY FRIENDS!
I HAVE BIG THINGS
GOING ON THIS WEEK,
AND I CAN' HAVE YOU MESSING THEM UP!
[KID]: HEY, LOOK!
ISN'T THAT MIKEY?
HEY!
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]
THEY WEDGIED ME SO HARD,
I CAN TASTE MY UNDERWEAR.
I THINK I NEED PLIERS
TO DIG THEM OUT.
[LAUGHING AND CHATTING]
THIS GUY'S
GOTTA BE A FAKE.
IF ONLY
WE COULD PROVE IT.
MAYBE WE CAN.
WE HAVE TO DEFEAT HIM
IN THE ARENA OF THE MIND.
OKAY.
[RYAN WHIMPERING]
OH... HEY, MIKEY.
SO, YOU'VE KNOWN JACK
A WHILE NOW, HUH?
YEAH, TWO YEARS.
A TRUE FRIEND.
AREN'T FRIENDS
THE GREATEST?
YEAH.
I STILL REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME I MET JACK.
THIRD GRADE!
SCIENCE CLASS.
OH! YEAH, YEAH.
I WAS TOTALLY BUMMED
BECAUSE, UH,
MY PET GOLDFISH
HAD JUST DIED.
UH, "LADYBUG."
AND RYAN HELPED ME
FLUSH HIM.
THAT'S JUST WHAT FRIENDS DO.
YOU GUYS NEVER TOLD ME
THAT STORY.
THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
HMM, WELL, I MUS HAVE THINGS WRONG,
BECAUSE, IF I RECALL,
YOU ME IN THE FIFTH GRADE.
YOUR PET DIDN'T DIE,
IT ESCAPED,
WHICH MAKES MORE SENSE,
BECAUSE IT WAS A TURTLE,
NOT A GOLDFISH,
AND YOU DIDN'T FLUSH IT,
RYAN HELPED YOU PAINT A ROCK
UNDER THE BIG OAK TREE
IN YOUR BACKYARD AS A MEMORIAL.
AND SOMETIMES...
YOU STILL HEAR THE PITTER-PATTER
OF TINY FLIPPERS
WHEN YOU SIT IN ITS SHADE.
[SIGHS]
AT LEAS THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT.
THIS IS
REALLY HAPPENING.
WHY IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?
[CAR HORN HONKS]
LET'S GO, PIT-STAINS.
OKAY, LET'S
FIGURE THIS OUT.
HOW MANY LIES
HAVE YOU TOLD?
I STARTED A LIST.
ONE TIME, I TRIED TO IMPRESS
PEOPLE AT SUMMER CAMP
BY TELLING THEM MY UNCLE
WAS A PRO WRESTLER
OH, I WAS LATE MEETING ERIC
AT THE MOVIES
SO I SAID I WAS
ALMOST ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.
YOU ARE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.
I SAID I WAS ADOPTED
BY ASIAN PARENTS
SO I COULD CUT CLASS
ON CHINESE NEW YEAR--
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE IT'S EASIER
IF YOU LIST THE THINGS
YOU DIDN'T LIE ABOUT.
HANNAH?
WHEN YOU GOT BRACES,
I WAS EMBARRASSED.
I TOLD PEOPLE
I DIDN'T HAVE A SISTER.
BUT YOU'RE STILL HERE.
YOU'RE STILL HERE!
THAT MEANS
THERE'S STILL HOPE!
[BRAKES SCREECH]
OKAY. I'LL HOP
ON THE CRAZY TRAIN.
WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?
HEY. LOOK!
IT'S JENNIFER AND MIKEY!
OVER HERE, GUYS!
WE HAVE TO FOLLOW THEM.
WE HAVE TO FIND OU WHAT HE'S SAYING TO HER.
[SIGHS] I DON'T KNOW--
I'M JUST TWO BLOCKS
UP ON THE LEFT.
[RESENTFUL SIGH]
OKAY, LET'S GO.
BUT WHATEVER YOU DO,
ACT NATURAL.
[SIGHS DISMISSIVELY]
DUDE, WOULD YOU STOP THAT?
THE NEIGHBORS ARE GONNA THINK
WE'RE UP TO SOMETHING.
WE ARE UP TO SOMETHING!
[MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING]
OH...
DUDE, HAS JENNIFER
EVER INVITED YOU OVER?
SILENCE!
-[JACK GASPS]
-[BOYS HIT GROUND]
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
I KNOW.
I'M GOING IN.
WHAT?
I LIED THIS GUY
INTO EXISTENCE.
I NEED TO MAKE SURE
HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING
TO HURT ANYONE,
OR WORSE-- MESS UP
MY CHANCES WITH THE SOX.
THAT'S WORSE?
FINE,
"EQUALLY TRAGIC."
[DISGUSTED GROAN]
-DUDE.
-ON IT.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, UM, HI.
-HI!
-HI.
I'M SELLING
BUMBLEBEE GIRLS COOKIES.
AND YOU'RE A BUMBLEBEE... GIRL?
NOT YET. JUST GOT TO
SELL SOME MORE COOKIES.
OH... [CHUCKLES]
YOU ARE... [CHUCKLES]
[MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING]
SO...
I'M JUST GONNA GRAB MY PURSE.
NO, NO. NO, NO.
UM, FIRST, I NEED TO RECITE
THE BUMBLEBEE GIRL CODE FOR YOU.
GREAT.
"A BUMBLEBEE GIRL
IS HONEST AND TRUE.
"A BUMBLEBEE GIRL
IS BLACK AND--"
YELLOW?
YELLOW! [AWKWARD LAUGH]
UH, "A BUMBLEBEE GIRL NEVER
STINGS UNLESS SHE HAS TO."
[JENNIFER]:
AND THIS IS BUTTONS.
[MIKEY]: OH, MY GOSH,
BUTTONS IS SO CUTE.
[JENNIFER]: I KNOW!
[MIKEY]: BUTTONS
IS CUTE AS A BUTTON
INSIDE A BUTTON.
THAT'S BUTTON
WITHIN ANOTHER BUTTON.
[JENNIFER]: YOU ARE CRAZY.
[MIKEY]: HE'S SO CUTE!
I WANT TO SNUGGLE WITH HIM!
KITTENS.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[HUMMING]
[WATER RUNNING]
[HUMMING LOUDER]
OH, YEAH.
PEW!
[SNIFFING] OOH.
[SNIFFS AND GAGS]
[SNIFFS] MM! HELLO.
[WATER CONTINUES RUNNING]
[EXHALES CONTENTEDLY]
[WIFE LINDA]: HONEY!
DO YOU WAN SOME BUMBLEBEE GIRL COOKIES?
OOH! GET ME
THE "LEMONY ZESTS."
BUT NO "PEPPERMINT FATTIES!"
THEY'RE WAY OVERRATED!
HANG ON.
I'D BETTER HANDLE THIS.
[SHUTS WATER OFF]
[SLIPPING]
[CRASHING]
[CRASHING]
[BOWL SHATTERING]
WHAT...
JUST...
HAPPENED?
[MIKEY AND JENNIFER LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING AS GLASSES CLINK]
I SAID I DON'T WAN ANY "PEPPERMINT FATTIES."
I TOLD HIM, HAL.
I TOLD HIM, I SAID,
"MY HUSBAND DOESN'T LIKE
THE PEPPERMINT FATTIES."
[LINDA]: SO... BEST OF LUCK
BECOMING A BUMBLE BEE GIRL.
WAIT.
FIRST, I NEED TO GE YOUR OPINION ON SOMETHING.
[HUMMING AS HE TAPS]
WHOO! [CHUCKLES]
OKAY. OR... OR--
[JENNIFER]:
YEAH, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE
JACK IS ALWAYS PLAYING GAMES,
YOU KNOW?
[MIKEY]: I'VE FOUND THA PEOPLE TEND TO PLAY GAMES
WHEN THEY'RE AFRAID TO SHOW YOU
WHO THEY REALLY ARE.
I'M WITH OLD BEN FRANKLIN
ON THIS ONE--
HONESTY
IS THE BEST POLICY.
[CHUCKLING]
WHAT DOES THAT GUY KNOW
ABOUT HONESTY?
HE'S A TOTAL LIE!
YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE
I CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING, MIKEY.
WELL, YOU CAN
DEFINITELY TELL ME
WHERE I CAN
GET SOME MORE
OF THESE
DELICIOUS MUFFINS.
THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
[FUMES QUIETLY]: OH, YOU KEEP
YOUR HANDS OFF THOSE MUFFINS.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
[MIKEY]:
MUST'VE BEEN YOUR FOLKS...
HOW MANY EMOTICONS
CAN YOU USE?
...WHO ARE AWESOME,
BY THE WAY!
[JENNIFER CHUCKLES]
DOO-DAH!
-YEAH...
-YEAH?
WELL, "YES" TO THE TAP,
BUT I'M STICKING STRONG ON "NO"
TO THE PEPPERMINT FATTIES.
AW, COME ON.
NO. WAIT!
BUMBLEBEES NEVER GIVE UP!
HAL, HONEY, CAN YOU
EMPTY THE KITTY LITTER?
BUT MY BUBBLE BATH
IS GONNA GET COLD.
IT'S BEEN A WEEK.
-[SIGHS] FINE.
-LOVE YOU!
UGH. KITTENS.
[JACK GROANING]
[HAL GROANING]:
OHH! OHH, OHH...
OHH... UGH.
GROSS.
SO GROSS.
OH!
SHH, SHH, SHH...
[HAL]: HONEY?
THE GARBAGE ISN'T A TOY.
OKAY?
ENJOY YOUR TEA.
[HAL CHUCKLES, THEN GROANS]
PLEASE, PLEASE!
SHH, SHH, SHH!
[DEJECTED SIGH]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
SON, WHAT IN THE WORLD
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?
NEIGHBORS CALLED
ABOUT A TRESPASSER.
DON'T YOU WORK A THE CONVENTION CENTER?
I DID.
UNTIL I WAS FIRED
FOR LEAVING MY POS TO CHASE
PRETEND BEARS.
IF I EVER CATCH
THAT LITTLE PUNK
THAT LIED TO ME,
I'M GONNA WRITE SUCH A--
JACK?
OH... HEY.
JENNIFER. [CHUCKLES]
MIKEY.
YOU OKAY, PARDNER?
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU KNOW, I'D RATHER NOT SAY,
SO I'M JUST GONNA--
HEY!
THAT WAS
COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR!
HAD MY HOUSE KEYS ON IT!
[RYAN]: I WOULDN'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, DUDE.
I MEAN,
IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE.
[CRACK]
DUDE, I HAD TO SHOWER
THREE TIMES
JUST TO GET THE KITTY LITTER
OUTTA MY EARS.
YOU KNOW, I'M SURE JENNIFER'S
FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT IT.
YEAH, SHE'S NEVER
GONNA FORGET ABOUT IT.
THIS AFTERNOON,
I HAD IT ALL,
NOW IT'S ALL FALLING APAR BECAUSE OF MIKEY.
WELL, TECHNICALLY,
YOU MADE HIM,
SO, REALLY, IT'S ON YOU.
WELL, WE HAVE TO
THINK TACTICALLY.
WE HAVE TO FIGURE OU WHO MIKEY IS
AND SEND HIM BACK TO WHATEVER
DIMENSION HE CAME FROM.
[CRACK]
DUDE. DROP THE BAT.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO PRACTICE BAT-BOYING
IF YOU DON' DROP THE BAT?
YEAH. RIGHT. SORRY.
-THANK YOU.
-NAILED IT.
THANKS.
[STUDENTS LAUGHING
AND CHATTING]
[WHISPERING AND SNICKERING]
YOU DON'T THINK
THEY'RE LAUGHING ABOU WHAT HAPPENED
YESTERDAY, DO YOU?
NAH. I'M SURE
IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.
DUDE! I JUST HEARD
THE FUNNIEST THING
ABOUT YOU WEARING MAKEUP
OUTSIDE JENNIFER'S HOUSE.
EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING
ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, EVERYBODY.
YOU'RE FAMOUS!
OKAY, MAYBE
THEY WERE LAUGHING
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
YESTERDAY.
[SIGHS DARKLY]
I'M A JOKE.
HEY! STAY FOCUSED.
TODAY IS
ALL ABOUT MIKEY.
-WHAT'S ALL ABOUT ME?
-GAH!
WHERE DID YOU
COME FROM?
WELL, MY MOM SAYS FROM HEAVEN,
BUT MY BIOLOGY TEACHER SAYS--
FORGET IT!
I DON'T CARE.
JACK, IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE MAD AT ME.
YOU'RE NOT MAD
AT ME, ARE YOU?
M-MAD?
[SNAPS]: MAD?
HEY, JACK.
EASY.
OH, WHAT?
WHY WOULD I BE MAD?
WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS, RIGHT?
I SURE AM GLAD
TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT,
BECAUSE I HAD SO MUCH
FUN HERE YESTERDAY,
I DECIDED
TO COME BACK TODAY.
IN FACT, I THINK
I'M GONNA TRANSFER HERE.
I WANNA SEE YOU WIN
"STUDENT OF THE YEAR."
GREAT NEWS. GREAT NEWS!
I KNEW
YOU'D BE EXCITED.
OH, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
JENNIFER INVITED ME
TO TAG ALONG
TO HER CLASSES TODAY.
ISN'T SHE NICE?
OH-- [GASPS]
UH--
-HI!
-OH, UH, OKAY--
GREAT-- GREAT TALKING
TO YOU, MIKEY.
YOU HAVE
A FANTASTIC DAY!
I ALWAYS DO!
WHY ARE YOU BEING
SO NICE TO HIM?
ARE YOU HAVING SOME SOR OF BREAKDOWN RIGHT NOW?
CHECK IT OUT.
YOU STOLE HIS WALLET?
I'M GONNA GIVE IT BACK!
AFTER I FIND OU WHERE HE LIVES.
OH, PERFECT, WELL,
THAT MAKES IT ALL BETTER THEN.
IF WE'RE GOING TO SEND HIM BACK
TO WHERE HE CAME FROM,
WE HAVE TO FIND OU WHERE THAT IS.
MIKEY, MIKEY, MIKEY...
THESE ALL SAY MIKEY!
JACKPOT. HA!
OH, WE KNOW WHERE
YOU LIVE, MIKEY.
YOU ARE GOING DOWNTOWN!
ACTUALLY,
I THINK THAT'S UPTOWN.
AND TO THE WEST.
OH! OH, YEAH, NO,
HE'S GOING DOWNTOWN.
EVEN THOUGH THAT'S THE COMPLETE
OPPOSITE OF THIS ADDRESS.
ALRIGHT, WELL,
THIS IS IT.
THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT.
THIS GUY IS TOO GOOD.
HE'S BEEN MESSING WITH US
THE WHOLE TIME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I USED TO TELL MY PARENTS
I WOULD TAKE MIKEY
HERE AS A REWARD
WHEN HE DID WELL ON TESTS.
COME ON.
[LAUGHTER, CHATTER,
GAMES PINGING]
OKAY, OKAY, SO NOW
WE JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE
WHO KNOWS WHO MIKEY IS.
AND HOW ARE WE
GONNA DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, JACK. WHAT'S UP?
OH, HEY! GUY.
DO YOU KNOW THAT KID?
NO.
HEY, EXCUSE ME?
UH, HI!
SO, UH...
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
HOW DO I KNOW WHO YOU ARE?
DUDE, YOU'RE HILARIOUS.
WHERE'S MIKEY?
AW, YOU KNOW MIKEY?
'COURSE I KNOW MIKEY.
YOU GUYS ARE BOTH HILARIOUS.
YOU AND MIKEY ARE HERE
ALL THE TIME.
DUDE, ARE YOU SURE
MIKEY ISN'T REAL?
RIGHT NOW,
I'M NOT EVEN SURE I'M REAL.
UH, OKAY, SO, UM,
YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW
WHERE MIKEY IS NOW, DO YOU?
OR WHERE HE LIVES?
OR WHO HIS PARENTS ARE?
OR WHAT SCHOOL HE GOES TO?
OR WHERE HE HANGS OUT?
SMOOTH...
NOT STALKERY AT ALL.
I KNOW WHERE HE HANGS.
HE HANGS HERE.
WITH YOU.
THAT WAS WEIRD
AND UNINFORMATIVE.
WE GOT A PLAN "B"?
[]
THE HIPPO.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
MIKEY HAD HIM ON HIS BACKPACK.
MAYBE THE HIPPO KNOWS SOMETHING.
AW, YEAH.
I MEAN, WHY NOT?
WOULDN'T BE THE STRANGEST THING
THAT'S HAPPENED
IN THE PAST TWO DAYS.
MM-MM. HEY! HEY, HIPPO!
[]
HE'S RUNNING. WE GOT A RUNNER!
WE GOT A RUNNER!
[]
LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S LIKE A FURRY, PURPLE
NINJA IN THAT THING!
LET'S GO! OH...
-HE'S GETTING AWAY!
-I SEE THAT.
[GRUNTING]
THIS IS THE WORST!
NOPE! NO. THIS IS. UGH...
-WAIT A SECOND.
-YEAH?
WHY ARE WE CHASING
THE HIPPO AGAIN?
BECAUSE HE RAN!
MAYBE HE RAN
BECAUSE WE'RE CHASING HIM.
DON'T START THINKING
ON ME NOW, MAN. LET'S GO!
-ALRIGHT. OKAY.
-YOU GOOD?
YEAH. I'M OKAY.
HEY!
THIS IS THE BUMPER CARS,
NOT A TRACK MEET.
WANNA CROSS THE FLOOR?
YOU GOTTA BUMP.
[]
-GO GET 'IM.
-I'M TRYING!
DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
OH, OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
MINE WAS AN ACCIDENT.
SO WAS MINE.
-SERIOUSLY?
-SERIOUSLY!
HE'S GETTING AWAY. AGAIN!
-WHY IS HE ALWAYS RUNNING?
-I DON'T KNOW.
[]
SHORTCUT. POOL TIME.
OOF.
-THAT WAS--
-AWESOME.
-YES!
-AHH!
NICE!
WELL, WELL, WELL!
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
SERIOUSLY?
DOES THIS TOWN
HAVE ANOTHER SECURITY GUARD?
SINCE WHEN DID YOU STAR WORKING AT FUNLAND?
SINCE I GOT FIRED
FROM MY LAST JOB.
SOME SUDSY CLOWN
THREW MY KEYS INTO A BUSH.
WHY WOULD--
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAN.
BUT, PLEASE, WE HAVE
TO TALK TO THAT--
...HIPPO.
HIPPO? OKAY.
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, FELLAS.
PLEASE, THE HIPPO
IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING!
OH, YOU'RE HOME LATE.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE I IF I TOLD YOU.
HEY, BUDDY!
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
WE'RE JUST PUZZLING.
[GASPS] FINISHED!
[TRIO GASPING]
LOVELY! LOOK, JACK.
MIKEY FINALLY
FINISHED OUR PUZZLE.
WHY HAVEN'T YOU BROUGH MIKEY AROUND HERE BEFORE?
HE IS A DOLL!
NO.
YOU ARE.
OH, HO, HO, HO!
[MIRTHFUL CHUCKLING]
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOUR GAME IS--
THIS ISN'T A GAME.
IT'S A PUZZLE.
[HUFFS]
YEAH, I KNOW IT IS.
AND I'M GONNA FIGURE IT OUT.
I'M GONNA FIGURE IT ALL OUT.
HEY, SPORT,
ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?
PULL UP A CHAIR,
AMIGO.
WE SURE COULD USE YOUR HELP...
FOR THE NEXT ONE!
HOW DOES 5,000 PIECES
OF SAND AND SKY SOUND?
SOUNDS LIKE
I'M SLEEPIN' OVER.
[BOISTEROUS CHUCKLING]
[CASUAL CHATTER]
UH, JACK?
CAN I HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU?
SURE. WHY NOT?
LOOK, JACK, I PROBABLY SHOULDN' SAY THIS,
BUT I'M REALLY
ROOTING FOR YOU
TO WIN "STUDEN OF THE YEAR."
THANKS,
PRINCIPAL KAR.
I MEAN, YOU WERE NEVER
THAT IMPRESSIVE ON PAPER.
OR IN PERSON.
BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE,
THE VALUES
THAT I'VE TRIED TO INSTILL
AS THIS SCHOOL'S ADMINISTRATOR,
THEY GOT THROUGH TO YOU.
AND IF YOU WERE TO WIN
THE AWARD, WELL...
IT WOULD BE
SUCH AN INSPIRATION
TO ALL THE OTHER
BELOW-AVERAGE JOES OUT THERE.
THANKS, PRINCIPAL KAR.
THAT SAID,
I'VE RECENTLY
HEARD SOME DISTURBING RUMORS
ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR
OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.
IF THERE TURNS OUT TO BE
ANY TRUTH TO THESE "RUMORS,"
I'M AFRAID I'LL HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT TO DISQUALIFY YOU.
YEAH, YEAH.
NO, NO PROBLEM.
I MEAN, I'M SURE
THEY'RE JUST A--
JUST A HARMLESS
MISUNDERSTANDING.
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
THE HIPPO IS THE KEY
TO EVERYTHING.
IF ONLY WE COULD
JUST FIND HIM,
WE'D FINALLY
HAVE SOME ANSWERS.
WE SHOULD GO TO THE ZOO.
THAT'S WHERE
THE HIPPOS LIVE.
[BOFF]
BAD NEWS, BUDDY.
YOU'RE OUT.
HEY, IF ANYBODY HAD
TO GET ME OUT,
I'M GLAD IT WAS YOU.
MIKEY'S THE BEST.
NO. MIKEY IS THE WORST.
RIGHT!
BUT HE'S ALSO PRETTY GREAT.
LATER, MIKEY.
RED'S YOUR COLOR,
BUDDY!
[BOFF]
-[MIKEY]: SORRY, YOU'RE OUT.
-GOOD SHOT, MIKEY!
I HEARD PRINCIPAL KAR
TALKED TO YOU TODAY.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
I AM GOING TO WIN
STUDENT OF THE YEAR,
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
TO STOP ME.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO
STOP YOU, FRIEND?
[]
NO!
NO, NO, NO.
HE DOESN'T EVEN GO
TO THIS SCHOOL!
[]
PSST, JENNIFER--
-[GASPING]
-OH! SORRY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I JUST WANTED
TO SAY SORRY...
YOU KNOW, GYM CLASS...
WHEN I HIT YOU IN THE GUTS
WITH THAT BALL--
THAT WASN'T COOL.
OH...
SEE, I THOUGH YOU MIGHT BE APOLOGIZING
FOR SNEAKING INTO MY HOUSE
AND TRASHING OUR BATHROOM.
YEAH... RIGHT.
THAT.
UH, I'M ALSO
VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT.
ALTHOUGH, YOUR SISTER GIVES
ONE HECK OF A MAKEOVER.
JACK, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?
YOU KNOW,
I WAS JUST STARTING
TO KIND OF MAYBE THINK
YOU WERE CUTE,
AND THEN
YOU WENT CRAZY.
YOU THOUGHT I WAS CUTE?
AND THEN YOU WEN CRAZY.
[JACK SIGHS]
IT'S JUST-- IT'S MIKEY.
HE'S GOT ME ALL MESSED UP.
WELL, I THOUGH YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS.
YOU'VE BEEN TUTORING HIM
AND HANGING OUT WITH HIM,
AND YOU SAVED HIS DOG
BY BUYING HIM A ROBOT TAIL!
RIGHT?
YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S ALL TRUE.
WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU
ACTING SO WEIRD?
CAN WE CHALK I UP TO HORMONES?
[LAUGHS]
HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU.
YOU JUST REALIZED THAT?
NO, NO, I'M ACTUALLY
TALKING TO YOU.
SEE, LIKE, USUALLY,
ALL I CAN DO
IS, LIKE, BABBLE
AND MAKE WEIRD NOISES.
HUH.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S KINDA NICE.
SEEMS LIKE
WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT...
AND I DON' WANT TO RUIN IT,
SO I'M GONNA LEAVE.
GUESS I'LL SEE YOU
AT CAITLIN'S POOL PARTY
THIS WEEKEND?
ACTUALLY,
I WON'T BE THERE.
I'M VOLUNTEERING AT THE ANIMAL
SHELTER ALL DAY WITH MIKEY.
MIKEY!
AND WE'RE BACK TO WEIRD.
HANNAH!
DRIVE US TO FUNLAND.
"PLEASE?"
HANNAH,
DRIVE US TO FUNLAND, PLEASE.
NO.
-COME ON!
-WE CAN'T GO BACK THERE.
OTIS BANNED US
FOR LIFE.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
IF WE WANT TO GET RID
OF MIKEY ONCE AND FOR ALL,
WE HAVE TO FIND
THAT PURPLE HIPPO.
ARE YOU GUYS
TALKING ABOUT HURLEY?
WHAT? NO. WE'RE TALKING ABOU A GIANT PURPLE HIPPO
WHO HANDS OUT BALLOONS
AT FUNLAND.
YEAH. HIS NAME'S HURLEY.
AND HE DOESN' HAND OUT BALLOONS.
UNLESS
"BART THE BALLOON BABOON"
WAS SICK THAT DAY.
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?
JACK, I WORKED THERE
FOR TWO YEARS.
SERIOUSLY?
WHERE DID YOU THINK
I WAS GOING FOR FOUR HOURS
EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
I WAS JUST HAPPY
YOU WERE OUT OF THE HOUSE.
[SHE SIGHS]
HANNAH!
HANNAH, PLEASE!
[SIGHING]
ALL I KNOW IS
HURLEY'S MAIN HABITA IS THE JUNGLE
MINI-GOLF COURSE.
THANK YOU.
YOU ARE AMAZING.
I KNOW.
TO FUNLAND!
I TOLD YOU, I'M NO TAKING YOU THERE.
TO THE BUS STOP!
[]
I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THIS, JACK.
OTIS SAID
NEVER TO COME BACK.
REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA
LISTEN TO THAT GUY?
[GAGS]
SWALLOW IT!
SWALLOW IT.
GOOD BOY.
OKAY, LET'S GO.
[]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS,
RYAN SHRIEKS]
REALLY?
REALLY? OKAY.
-OKAY. YEAH.
-OKAY. PLEASE KEEP IT TOGETHER.
IT'S, UH, HEH,
SO TRANQUIL DOWN HERE.
TOTALLY NOT--
NOT CREEPY, AT ALL.
[RYAN SHRIEKING]
OKAY, OKAY,
WOULD YOU RELAX?
THIS ISN'T GONNA
TAKE LONG, OKAY?
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT HIPPO
HAS MUCH ROOM TO...
...HIDE.
[RYAN SHRIEKS]
QUIET!
HE'LL HEAR US.
I WOULD JUST LIKE
TO POINT OU THERE'S A NORTH
AMERICAN GRIZZLY
HANGING OUT WITH A ZEBRA
IN A SUBTERRANEAN JUNGLE.
WHAT KIND OF MADMAN
DESIGNED THIS PLACE?
LET'S GO.
WALKING, WALKING...
[DEEP BOOMING VOICE]:
HELLO, JACK.
[BOTH GASPING]
YOU!
WHY HAVE YOU
BEEN LOOKING FOR ME?
SHOW US YOUR FACE.
SILENCE!
I HAVE MANY FACES...
AND MANY NAMES.
I DON'T LIKE
THIS, JACK!
I DON'T LIKE
THIS AT ALL.
DID YOU MAKE ALL OF
MY LIES COME TRUE?
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE!
YOUR LIES ARE COMING TRUE
BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM SO OFTEN,
THEY STOPPED BEING LIES.
HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?
GOOD QUESTION.
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
WHY, THAT'S THE EASIEST PAR OF ALL, JACK.
YOU MUST SIMPLY CONFESS.
CONFESS?
CONFESS WHAT?
EVERYTHING!
THE ONLY WAY TO FIGHT LIES
IS WITH THE TRUTH.
YOU MUST CONFESS
TO EVERYONE THAT YOU'VE HURT.
EVERYONE YOU'VE MISLED.
EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER DECEIVED
WITH YOUR LIES.
YEAH, I CAN'T DO THAT.
JACK!
WHAT? WHAT, RYAN?
OKAY, YOU WANT ME
TO THROW EVERYTHING AWAY?
STUDENT OF THE YEAR?
THE RED SOX?
BECAUSE SOME PURPLE HIPPO
TOLD ME TO?
YES! THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
BE WARNED--
THE LONGER
YOU REFUSE TO CONFESS,
THE WORSE THINGS WILL GET.
HOW COULD
THIS POSSIBLY GET WORSE?
[DARKLY]: YOU'LL SEE.
"CONFESS"? REALLY?
THAT'S
THE BIG SOLUTION?
HOW GULLIBLE DOES
THIS HIPPO THINK I... AM?
-HEY, RYAN?
-YEAH?
YOU REMEMBER ON MY LIST?
THERE WAS THAT TIME
I WAS LATE MEETING ERIC,
AND I BLAMED IT ON ALIENS?
NO. HEH. NOPE!
I-I DON'T REMEMBER.
I-I REFUSE TO REMEMBER.
WELL, TOO LATE.
I THINK WE'RE ABOU TO BE ABDUCTED.
NO! SEE, THERE'S-- THERE'S
NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS,
THOSE ARE JUST TWO GUYS,
YOU KNOW, WEARING WEIRD SUITS,
STANDING ON TOP
OF A ROOF.
AND RUNNING DOWN IT!
[ALIENS SHRIEKING]
RUN!
OH! IN HERE!
[]
OKAY. THEY'RE GONE.
YEAH. UGH...
[GROANS WEARILY]
OHH... OKAY.
I JUST NEED, LIKE, TWO MINUTES
WITHOUT COMING FACE-TO-FACE
WITH ONE OF MY LIES.
[BOTH GASPING]
DID YOU THINK YOU COULD
GET AWAY FROM US THAT EASY?
WHAT PART OF THIS
SEEMS EASY?
TIME TO FINISH THIS.
SHOULDN'T YOU GUYS BE
OUT RIDING MOOSE OR SOMETHING?
MOOSE-RIDING SEASON
ISN'T TILL OCTOBER.
THIS IS
OAK SEASON...
POPLAR SEASON,
AND BUTT-KICKIN' SEASON.
OH, AND ALSO
NORWAY SPRUCE.
AND ALSO
NORWAY SPRUCE.
[GROWLING]
HOW ABOUT, THIS TIME,
YOU DISTRACT THEM
AND I RUN?
HOW ABOU WE BOTH RUN?
-DEAL!
-OKAY!
HEY! THIS PARKING STRUCTURE
IS FOR PAYING CUSTOMERS ONLY!
YOU TWO ARE TRESPASSING.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
ELEVATOR! GO!
I HAVE THE AUTHORITY
TO CALL THE AUTHORITIES!
COME ON. COME ON.
OW! GEEZ.
NOT AGAIN.
COME ON!
[LUMBERJACKS GROWLING]
[RELIEVED SIGHS]
WE'RE GOING UP.
WHY ARE WE GOING UP?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST PUSHED
THE FIRST BUTTON I SAW!
WE'LL BE TRAPPED
ON THE ROOF.
WHO BUILDS
PARKING GARAGES
OUT OF CEMENT?
THESE BOOTS
AREN'T MADE FOR RUNNING!
[BOYS]: THE LUMBERJACKS!
GET THAT KID!
[POUNDING]
I CAN'T BUST THROUGH!
THIS KID IS SERIOUSLY STEPPING
UP HIS BARRICADIN'.
YEAH, HE IS.
WHERE TO NOW?
OH! THE FIRE ESCAPE. GO!
PLEASE LET THERE
BE A FIRE ESCAPE.
-I'LL GET YOU.
-LET'S GO. THIS WAY!
NOPE!
NO PLACE TO RUN NOW!
I GOT YOU.
OH, MAN.
NOT TILL WE POUND HIM
INTO SAWDUST!
QUICK!
LIE ABOUT A HELICOPTER.
I DON'T THINK
IT WORKS THAT WAY.
WELL, THEN,
HOW DOES IT WORK, JACK?
COME ON, TELL ME.
I'M SURE THE GREAT JACK PARKER
CAN THINK OF A WAY OUT OF THIS.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
-GET IN!
-[RELIEVED GASPING]
THANKS!
THANKS, LISA.
YOU'RE THE BEST!
[LOCKS THUD]
NOT YOU!
WHAT?
YOU BROKE MY HEART,
JACKIE BEAR.
LISA, PLEASE!
WHATEVER YOU WANT,
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THA BECAUSE YOU'RE SELFISH
AND YOU DON'T WAN YOUR BRAINS SUCKED OU OF YOUR SKULL BY ALIENS.
OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO SAY?
THE TRUTH.
WHY DON'T YOU
WANT TO BE WITH ME?
[]
I-- I MADE YOU UP SO MY FRIENDS
WOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF ME.
GET IN.
THANK YOU!
OKAY, GO. GO!
[BOTH GRUMBLING]
DAGNABBIT!
[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]
THANK YOU
FOR SAVING US.
WE'D PROBABLY BE GETTING PROBED
BY ALIENS RIGHT NOW
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU.
I KNOW HOW MUCH
YOU LOVE TROUBLE, JACKIE.
SOMEONE'S GOT TO WATCH OU FOR YOU.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY
I LIED TO YOU.
I NEVER, EVER MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.
IT'S JUST...
I'M KIND OF
INTO SOMEONE ELSE.
IF YOU LIKE THIS SOMEONE ELSE
SO MUCH, JACKIE BEAR,
JUST TRY BEING HONEST WITH HER.
NO ONE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP
BUILT ON LIES.
WELL, IT'S TIME
FOR ME TO GO.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
THAT WAS NUTS.
I KNOW,
BUT IT WORKED.
I MEAN, YOU WERE
HONEST WITH LISA,
AND SHE LEFT.
THE HIPPO
SPEAKS THE TRUTH.
NOW YOU JUST NEED TO
DO THE SAME THING
AND WE CAN END
ALL THIS.
JACK...
AW, JACK!
I'M JUST SO CLOSE, RYAN.
STUDENT OF THE YEAR
GETS ANNOUNCED TOMORROW.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
AFTER EVERYTHING
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH?
THE HIPPO SAID I HAD TO
CONFESS TO EVERYONE.
HE DIDN'T SAY WHEN.
I'LL JUST DO IT AFTER
I WIN "STUDENT OF THE YEAR."
NO, YOU'LL
DO IT TOMORROW.
AT THE ASSEMBLY!
YOU CAN TELL EVERYONE AT ONCE
AND BE DONE WITH IT.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE SOX?
THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
THAN THE SOX!
NOT TO ME.
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU!
I THOUGH YOU HAD MY BACK.
ARE YOU FOR REAL?
I GOT HUMILIATED FOR YOU.
I GOT WEDGIED FOR YOU!
I VIOLATED EVERY RULE
IN THE FUNLAND CODE OF CONDUC FOR YOU!
I ALWAYS
HAVE YOUR BACK!
I'M STARTING TO WONDER
IF YOU HAVE MINE.
COME ON, RYAN.
AND THERE'S ALIENS
NOW, DUDE.
ALIENS!
IF I COME CLEAN,
I WILL LOSE EVERYTHING.
MAYBE YOU ALREADY HAVE.
RYAN.
MOM?
DAD?
HANNAH?
IS ANYBODY HOME?
["MOM"]: HEY, SWEETIE!
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
[GROANS]
A COMPLETE DISASTER.
I REALLY JUST DON' WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
["DAD"]:
WHAT'S UP, SPORT?
TAN, HE DOESN' WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
"TAN"?
H-- HI.
WHERE
ARE MY PARENTS?
HONEY, WE ARE
YOUR PARENTS.
UH, YOU ARE NOT MY PARENTS.
JACK, WE MAY NOT BE
YOUR BIRTH PARENTS,
BUT WE LOVE YOU JUST AS MUCH
AS THEY EVER COULD.
THE CHINESE NEW YEAR LIE.
IT CAME TRUE.
I'VE BEEN ADOPTED
BY ASIAN PARENTS.
THAT MEANS--
MOM! DAD!
NO.
WHERE'S HANNAH?
HANNAH?
[BAT CRACKS]
[MAN]: LITTLE LATE FOR
BATTING PRACTICE, ISN'T IT, KID?
HEY, YOU OKAY?
NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.
I RUINED EVERYTHING.
I HURT EVERYONE I LOVE.
AND... FOR WHAT?
SO PEOPLE WOULD THINK
I WAS COOL?
SO...
SO PEOPLE WOULD LIKE ME?
SO I COULD BE THE BAT BOY
FOR THE RED SOX?
NONE OF THA MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE.
THAT RED SOX THING
SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD.
IT SOUNDS GREAT.
BUT IS IT WORTH LOSING
YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR FAMILY
AND THE...
THE GIRL
YOU'VE BEEN CRUSHING ON
SINCE GRADE SCHOOL?
WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY...
I WOULD DO...
ANYTHING TO FIX IT.
[SIGHS]
[HELMET HITS GROUND]
[GASPS]
DANNY KOSTAS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
SAME THING
YOU'RE DOING HERE.
WORKING
THROUGH A SLUMP.
WHAT BETTER PLACE
TO DO I THAN THE PARK WHERE
I LEARNED TO PLAY BALL?
I JUST...
I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO GET OUT OF A SLUMP, KID.
KEEP SWINGING.
YOU STOP SWINGING...
YOU'LL NEVER WIN.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
DANNY KOSTAS, YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S LIKE--
IT'S LIKE THE HIPPO SAID.
-HIPPO?
-LONG STORY.
I'M GONNA DO IT.
I'M GONNA SWING FOR THE FENCES.
THANK YOU, DANNY KOSTAS!
CAN I CALL YOU "DANNY"?
I'M GONNA CALL YOU "DANNY."
BY THE WAY, UH, "DANNY"--
YOU'RE STEPPING IN THE BUCKET.
THAT'S WHY
YOU'RE PULLING TO THE LEFT.
WELL, I'LL BE.
I WAS STEPPING IN THE BUCKET.
[]
DUDE, WHERE'S JACK?
HE'S GONNA MISS
HIS OWN VICTORY SPEECH.
WELL, I GUESS
WE SHOULD GET STARTED.
AHEM.
"STUDENT OF THE YEAR"
IS OUR SCHOOL'S
MOST PRESTIGIOUS HONOR.
IT IS DECIDED
BY A PANEL OF TEACHERS,
THE STUDENT COUNCIL,
AND, OF COURSE,
YOURS TRULY.
[CHUCKLES
AS MICROPHONE SQUEALS]
HMM.
EVERYONE UP HERE IS A WINNER.
IT'S JUST THAT SOME WINNERS
WIN MORE THAN OTHERS.
AND NOW,
THE MOMEN WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...
THIS YEAR'S
STUDENT OF THE YEAR IS...
JACK PARKER-R-R-R-!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
[CROWD ROARING]
[]
[THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
[CROWD CONTINUES
RAUCOUS CHEERING]
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR THIS HONOR.
I KNOW MIKEY
WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU, TOO.
IF... HE WAS REAL.
[CROWD MURMURING]
BUT, UH... HE ISN'T.
[CROWD GASPS]
[RYAN CHUCKLES]
WHAT IS HE DOING?
TELLING THE TRUTH.
MIKEY NEVER REALLY EXISTED.
I... I MADE HIM UP,
ALONG WITH A BUNCH
OF OTHER STUFF--
THE LUMBERJACKS,
MY HOT ARIZONA GIRLFRIEND,
ALIENS,
MIKEY'S BIONIC DOG,
MY WRESTLER UNCLE,
MY ASIAN PARENTS,
BEARS...
WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY
MAKE UP BEARS.
THERE'S BEARS.
JUST NO AT THE CONVENTION CENTER.
[CROWD MURMURING]
AS ALONG AS I'M BEING HONEST,
I HAVEN'T BEEN VERY HONEST.
I, UH, I THOUGH I WAS MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY
AND GETTING WHAT I WANT.
I DIDN'T REALIZE
I WAS...
HURTING THE PEOPLE
I CARE ABOUT.
I JUST WANT TO SAY...
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T DESERVE
TO BE NOMINATED FOR THIS AWARD,
AND I...
DEFINITELY DON'T DESERVE
TO WIN IT.
I KNOW I'M IN TROUBLE.
GIVE ME DETENTION.
SUSPEND ME.
WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO.
THIS IS A DARK DAY
FOR THE BELOW-AVERAGE JOE.
[SIGHS] WELL...
I GUESS
THIS YEAR'S AWARD
NOW GOES TO OUR RUNNER-UP...
STEPHANIE MILLER.
YES! YES!
[CACKLING WITH GLEE]
OH! I DID IT. I WON!
IN YOUR FACE, PARKER!
PUBLIC LIBRARY,
HERE I COME!
YES! I WON!
I'D LIKE TO THANK
ALL MY FRIENDS
FOR NOT DISTRACTING ME
DURING MY STUDY TIME
AND MY MOM.
HEY.
HEY.
SO...
YEAH.
ME TOO.
YOU DID IT, MAN.
IT'S ALL OVER.
YEP.
IT'S ALL OVER.
EXCEPT WHAT'S
HE STILL DOING HERE?
HEY, BUDDY.
WHERE YOU BEEN?
NO. I DID IT.
I DID WHAT THE HIPPO SAID!
YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE!
YOU SHOULD BE GONE.
OH, I CAN'T LEAVE YET, JACK.
THERE'S STILL ONE MORE THING
WE NEED TO DO.
THERE THEY ARE!
BUT I TOLD THE TRUTH!
WELL, OBVIOUSLY,
THEY DIDN'T HEAR IT.
-DUDE? YEP.
-ON IT!
[SHRIEKING]
-OTHER WAY.
-OTHER WAY!
[ALIENS CONTINUE SHRIEKING]
[]
[IN UNISON]:
PLEASE, SON, COME BACK TO US.
JACKIE-BEAR!
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU.
YO, JACK.
[ROARS VICIOUSLY]
[BARKS]
[RYAN YELPS]
[]
[DEEP, BOOMING VOICE]:
HELLO, JACK!
NO.
NO! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
YOU SAID
IF I TOLD THE TRUTH,
ALL OF MY LIES WOULD GO AWAY!
BUT YOU LIED!
YOU'RE THE LIAR!
NOW WE'RE ABOUT TO BE KILLED
BY ALIEN LUMBERJACKS!
SILENCE!
HERE'S HOW THE TRUTH
SETS YOU FREE.
CALM DOWN.
HANNAH?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONE FOREVER!
OKAY, WE HAVE TO
GET OUTTA HERE.
THERE ARE ALIENS
AND LUMBERJACKS OUT THERE!
NO. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!
-PLEASE DON'T OPEN THE--
-NO!
JACK.
JACK, WHA IS HAPPENING?
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING!
YOUR LIES WEREN' REALLY COMING TRUE.
WHAT?
HOW?
YOU DIDN'T THINK
YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE
THAT COULD TELL A LIE,
DID YOU?
YOU DID THIS?
ALL OF THIS?
-NO!
-NO...
-YEP.
-WHY?
I WAS SO SICK OF YOU LYING
AND ALWAYS
GETTING AWAY WITH IT,
SO I RECRUITED A FEW FRIENDS
FROM MY ACTING CLASS,
AND MY PLAN CAME TOGETHER.
I EXPLAINED TO THEM
HOW OUT OF CONTROL
YOUR LYING HAD GOTTEN,
AND HOW YOU HAD
TO BE STOPPED--
FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY!
EVERYONE WAS GIVEN
THEIR ASSIGNMENTS...
-OH, YEAH!
-THERE YOU GO!
...STARTED GETTING
INTO CHARACTER...
DO YOU KNOW
HOW TO USE THIS THING?
AND THEN, ONE BY ONE,
I MADE YOUR LIES COME TRUE.
[DIRECTOR]: PLACES, EVERYONE!
WE GO LIVE IN FIVE MINUTES!
[HANNAH]: I PLANTED
A FEW CLUES ALONG THE WAY,
AND WHEN I THOUGH YOU WERE GETTING STUCK,
I'D GIVE YOU A LITTLE PUSH.
LOOK. ALL I KNOW
IS THAT HURLEY'S MAIN HABITA IS THE JUNGLE
MINI-GOLF COURSE.
TO THE BUS STOP!
[HANNAH]: WHEN MOM AND DAD
WENT OUT FOR BOWLING NIGHT,
I ASKED MIN AND TAN COME OVER
AND HELP DRIVE IT HOME.
[CHUCKLES]
MOM AND DAD NEVER EVEN KNEW.
WAIT. WHO ARE THEY?
THEY'RE MY MANDARIN TUTORS!
YOU SPEAK CHINESE?
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
[MIN AND TAN LAUGHING]
[THEY KEEP LAUGHING]
OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOU THE ALIENS?
OH, BRAD AND TODD
ARE REAL STUNT GUYS,
SO THEY DID US A SOLID
AND RIGGED IT ALL UP.
HURRY UP AND PUT THOSE IN!
IF I COULD
SEE WHAT I WAS DOING,
I WOULDN'T NEED CONTACTS
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
[HANNAH]:
YOU HAD ME SCRAMBLING
WITH A COUPLE
LAST-MINUTE LIES,
BUT, LUCKILY,
TRISH IS MAJORING IN ROBOTICS.
OF COURSE, I HAD TO GET IN
ON THAT ACTION MYSELF.
OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL
THE PICTURES OF ME AND MIKEY,
OR MY ADOPTED PARENTS?
PHOTOSHOP.
THAT IS--
[DEEP, BOOMING]:
INGENIOUS?
[]
UH, LYLE?
NOT RIGHT NOW.
SORRY.
I WAS GONNA SAY
DIABOLICAL.
YEAH.
SOMEONE
HAD TO STOP YOU, JACK.
I KNOW
YOU'RE A GOOD KID,
BUT IF YOU KEEP LYING
TO EVERYONE YOU MEET,
SOON, IT WON'T MATTER.
LIFE IS PRETTY LONELY
WHEN NO ONE TRUSTS YOU.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT IS.
WAIT.
YOU TRIED TO TEACH JACK
THAT LYING IS BAD
BY LYING TO HIM?
[RYAN SCOFFS]
MAN, YOU TWO ARE
DEFINITELY RELATED.
[JACK AND HANNAH LAUGH]
SO? HOW'D I DO?
A FLAWLESS
PERFORMANCE, MIKEY.
MIKEY? YOUR NAME'S
ACTUALLY MIKEY?
YEAH. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
[ALL CHUCKLING]
COME ON, GUYS.
READY TO GO?
YEAH. JUST... JUS GIVE ME A MINUTE.
ALRIGHT.
UGH!
OH, THIS THING SMELLS
LIKE HANNAH BREATH.
AHEM!
YOU LIED ABOUT MIKEY?
MOM! DAD. WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
PRINCIPAL KAR CALLED.
TOLD US
TO GET DOWN HERE.
WE THOUGHT YOU WON!
YOU DIDN'T!
YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE,
YOUNG MAN.
ME? IT WAS ALL HANNAH.
SHE'S THE ONE--
JACK.
YEAH, I'M GROUNDED.
I KNOW.
UGH!
I THOUGH THEY FOUND THE POSSUM.
HOW'S THE PUNISHMENT GOING?
[SIGHS]
IS IT BEDTIME YET?
IT'S NOT EVEN NOON.
MM.
WELL, I'M OFF
TO THE WIENER PALACE.
OH, BY THE WAY--
YOU MISSED A SPOT.
-OH, YEAH.
-YEAH!
HEY, MAN. WHAT'S UP?
OH, YOU KNOW.
JUST LIVING THE DREAM.
IF THE DREAM
IS SUCKING GARAGE DUST.
[MOM]: JACK, YOU'RE NO SITTING DOWN, ARE YOU?
NO--
[CHUCKLES DRYLY]
YES.
RYAN JUST CAME TO VISIT.
THE TRUTH.
NICELY DONE.
HOW LONG YOU GROUNDED?
WELL, I'M NOT ALLOWED
OUT OF THE HOUSE
UNTIL THE GARAGE IS CLEAN.
WELL, IF WE WORK TOGETHER,
WE SHOULD HAVE YOU
OUT OF HERE IN ABOUT A WEEK.
[CHUCKLES]
[KNOCKING]
[STARTS THUMPING]
JACK?
WHY ARE YOU TRYING
TO BREAK MY DOOR DOWN?
OH! SORRY, SORRY.
YEAH, FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN
ALLOWED OUT OF THE HOUSE
IN OVER A WEEK.
GOT A LITTLE EXCITED.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
LISTEN, JENNIFER,
I KNOW I MESSED UP,
BUT FROM NOW ON,
I'M GOING TO BE
COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU.
OKAY.
OKAY. UM...
I LIKE YOU.
A LOT.
LIKE, HEH...
"A LOT" A LOT, AND, UH,
I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU,
AND I WANT YOU
TO GET TO KNOW ME, THE REAL ME.
ALL THE GOOD
AND THE BAD.
LIKE, UH...
I TALK IN MY SLEEP.
MY FAVORITE FLAVOR
IS GRAVY.
I BITE MY TOENAILS.
OH, STOP.
TOO MUCH HONESTY.
RIGHT. SORRY.
STILL TRYING TO GET USED
TO TELLING THE TRUTH.
WILL YOU AT LEAS CONSIDER
GIVING ME A SECOND CHANCE?
COME ON...
LET ME
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
FINE.
YOU CAN MAKE IT UP TO ME.
YES! OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
-RIGHT NOW?
-RIGHT NOW!
DANNY KOSTAS OF THE RED SOX
IS KIND OF MY BUDDY.
I GAVE HIM SOME HITTING ADVICE.
YOU KNOW, NOTHING BIG.
BUT HE SENT HIS LIMO
TO TAKE ME
AND ANYBODY I WAN TO THE RED SOX
GAME TODAY,
AND I WANT TO TAKE YOU.
YOU JUST SAID,
"FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA BE
COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU."
I AM.
SEE YOU AT SCHOOL, JACK.
BUT JENNIFER--
[THUD]
SO? WHAT'D SHE SAY?
SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME.
OH.
WELL, TAKE ME TO FENWAY.
YOU HAVE A LIMO?
JENNIFER...
WOULD I LIE TO YOU?
["HUMAN HEAT" BY SAM ROBERTS
PLAYING]
WHY DON'T WE GO
TO THE CITY NOW?
WE CAN SEE ALL
THE NITTY GRITTY NOW
CATCH A FLY BALL
AT THE STADIUM
MAYBE FREEFALL
INTO OBLIVION
THESE DAYS, THESE DAYS
EVERY TIME
THAT I GO DOWNTOWN
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THERE'S SO MUCH
THERE'S SO MUCH
OF EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING
THERE'S SO MUCH
OF EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING
MOVE WITH THE TIMES
OR THEY'LL LEAVE YOU BEHIND
YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY
YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY
MOVE WITH THE TIMES
OR GO OUT OF YOUR MIND
YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY
YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY
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IF YOU CAN HEAR THIS
THEN IT MEANS THA THERE'S NO APOCALYPSE
STILL, I DON'T KNOW WHY
I EVEN GO DOWNTOWN ANYMORE
THERE'S TOO MUCH
THERE'S TOO MUCH
OF EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING
OUT ON THE STREE SHOULDER TO SHOULDER
THE HUMAN HEA IS BOILING OVER
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