1
Pornography
is
a genre that lays bare,
if I may say so,
without the intermediary of story
or screenplay,
the simple crudity of our bodies,
without wit either,
and without talent most often.
And without invention.
These films are often, unfortunately,
mediocre, sad, repetitive.
You've seen films that...
A few. One soon gets bored.
Franck, can we go on?
Yeah, go on, I'm listening.
So it has three vibration speeds.
Touch. It's salt.
It's salt?
Salt.
Soft, you mean. Soft.
It comes in three colors.
Pink, the ladies like.
Sorry, buddy. I apologize but...
I got fucked up last night and I...
I gotta sit.
You are sitting, boss.
In that case, I need to lay down.
Egg is small, so good for walking.
Thanks to remote control,
the girl makes the egg work
anyplace, anytime.
Know what? Just order 30.
Alright.
Not green, just pink and blue.
And 30 or so
sets of wawa balls.
Alright.
Seen my dogs?
Dogs?
And ask the girls if...
If they need gadgets in the cabins
for their shows.
Hakim.
Hi, Serge.
Isn't that my belt?
Yeah, sure.
We gotta go.
Say, Serge...
Do we have dogs?
Dogs? Course not.
Holy shit.
DIRTY COPS
Your entrance is shit.
First rule is eye contact.
Make eye contact, look at him.
Like it's one-to-one.
- Like that?
- Without squinting.
Lock your eyes on him and don't let go.
Franck?
The chick outside
wants to work with us.
Another time.
What?
She's not bad-looking.
50 says you'll wanna fuck her.
- Another bullshit bet?
- 100 says I won't.
- 150.
- 200.
You'll see.
Stand up.
When you undress...
There you go, not like that.
It's a strip, Chlo.
Sway when you undress.
Better. Give him the come-on.
That's right, play the tease.
Move, don't stay head-on.
He paid to see some ass.
And it's worth every cent. Perfect.
Great. You got another burn there.
People!
Don't be shy, sweetie.
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
What can we do for you?
I want a job.
- You're a stripper?
- I'm an actress.
Or want to be.
I'm applying to the Conservatory.
I'm lost. If you want to act, why strip?
My boyfriend says it's a good idea.
- What?
- Nothing.
Show us your boobs, will you?
Babe, it's a strip joint
not the Conservatory, sorry.
Pretty.
Magnificent.
Your name?
Virginie.
Find a new one.
Nobody wants to bone a Virginie.
Wrong. Personally...
You're wrong
but I came up with another.
Which is?
Caprice. It has a ring.
- One word.
- Magnificent.
Caprice is so ethereal.
Thanks.
I'm hired?
Sure, let's try you out.
Really?
Thank you.
Girls, show her the moves...
Welcome, sweetpea. Welcome.
So pretty.
Thanks.
Welcome.
- Chlo.
- Hi, Chlo.
Change into anything that appeals here.
Sergio, if we don't get paid, we quit.
You're pushing it.
Baby, what's gotten into you?
Did we ever let you down? I think not.
You'll get paid, don't worry.
Now, go flaunt that pretty ass.
Go on!
So you wanna make love?
Enjoy the movie.
Alright then.
- Going where?
- Bathroom.
Fast. Make it snappy.
Two minutes.
How's business?
Move it. You can't park there, buddy.
Get your ride outta here.
Crazy man.
Nothing happens
till this place is jumping.
I love Bazin and his dumb ideas
but reality's different.
If it goes on like this, we'll be broke.
To buy crap and watch movies,
guys come in, no problem.
The girls cost too much for them.
Too much.
Come on, the girls are hardly...
That's not the point.
How would they know?
They don't come in for chicks.
We gotta get it out there,
the girls are bombshells.
No reason why it can't take off.
You're hot?
No.
Looks that way.
Hottest chicks in Paris, buddy.
Cheap.
Take a look.
Jerk off someplace else.
Henri, are you still filming?
We're rolling.
The kid's gonna come in 30 seconds.
20 even.
Go ahead, Jean-Jacques. On her, do it.
Wonderful, and cut. That's a goodie.
Round of applause.
Bravo, magnificent.
- You ok?
- Sure.
I'm making a movie in two days
with a dog.
Yes?
It pays a real bundle,
way more than usual.
- Interested?
- I'm flattered, deeply touched.
But I'm scared of dogs.
Sorry.
I understand.
We'll call that lunch.
Then we set up
for the dialogue scene earlier.
I mean...
Your dancers ever done film work?
One did stag movies.
And another...
Another posed for magazines.
They're up for it.
They like to be watched.
If you want 10-15 movies
for the booths,
it's a morning's work
at an unbeatable price.
I guarantee you,
once they see the chicks
in the movie booths,
they'll dash into the strip cabins
desperate to fuck them.
We're in, we're interested.
- Henri, we're ready.
- I'm not.
Pain in the ass!
So...
Don't hire good-looking guys.
A good-looking guy, that's erotic.
An ugly guy, that's porno.
Ok, I get the idea.
Say to yourself,
do it with him, do it with anyone.
We'll need ID
and a social security number.
No problem.
- I'm so happy for her.
- You been with Caprice long?
Yes, six months.
Girls, over here.
If you want
to start with each other
to warm up, go for it.
No, it's fine, we're good.
Alright, girls. Let's fuck him.
Let's go, girls!
Sheila, your helmet.
Monkey Cock!
Quit clowning around there!
Coming!
We have a film to make.
Where'd you find him?
Monkey Cock?
At the store yesterday.
Only one guy?
I wanted two but...
We can't afford it.
You like my watch then?
- You like it?
- I sure do.
- Pisses you off?
- No.
Take it anytime.
I already do.
Guys, can I ask a favor?
Camera!
The 300 bucks. Can I get it now?
As an advance.
We can do that.
Here we go.
You like my planet, don't you?
That's great. Cut!
Really good.
We'll go wider now.
We cut, dammit!
We cut.
It's not for real. Stop!
We're here to make a movie, not fuck.
Knock it off!
Dipshits!
Relax, hold onto your juice.
I have other stuff to shoot.
Come on, let's get on it.
Wide shot now.
We'll need the 40.
Who is that guy?
I dunno.
He said he was a PE teacher.
Start nice and slow.
Let's go.
No. I say, let's go.
Let's go now.
Guys get off on this?
Lots of freaks.
One guy asked me
to make a movie with babes
with their legs in plaster.
Great, Sheila.
There's not enough light.
Amazing eyes
and we don't see a glimmer.
A glimmer? I can't work miracles.
Lighting costs money.
Then I'll give you
glimmers and more, no problem.
That's gross.
Cut that out.
Gross, really gross.
How come? You ever see that before?
Nowhere, that's for sure.
It's not gross.
It's beautiful.
Beautiful and good.
What's up?
Watch it before you...
Sit down.
Sit down, we'll talk later. Watch!
Seriously, girls, he's a singer.
Swear to god, he's a singer.
He even invited me to a show.
It's called...
It's called The Tales of Hoffmann.
Ever go?
- Where?
- The opera.
- How's that, Caprice?
- Very good.
Thanks to you,
it's much prettier now.
- Which is it?
- G-string.
Not comfy?
Awful. I'd rip it all off.
Girls!
Change.
Look what I've brought.
What is it?
- Tell us.
- A little surprise!
Your exploits!
Congratulations, babies!
Thank you!
Night of the Boner!
Blow Me I'm Dreaming!
You're beautiful, Caprice.
Lady and the Slut!
Tongue Tales!
Widow G-Spot!
Calls for a celebration!
It's my butt!
Your butt! Your butt!
Six months earlier
Here, Martin.
The Internal Revenue people
have found an establishment.
You start tomorrow.
Our resources are limited
so keep it ticking over.
I've no idea how these joints work.
I brought the accounts
of several peep shows.
Learn on the job.
The minister wants
the X-Rated Law applied vigorously
to put an end to extortion
and money-laundering in pornos.
Find a way to make contact
and ensnare a whole crew.
To set an example.
We need to strike hard.
Front page headlines.
Your cover includes a house
where you both live.
Who's my partner?
Guess.
You're two lucky bastards.
Lucky?
Working for months in porno.
You don't call that lucky?
I don't know.
Call the police!
We call no one.
We were attacked. Why not?
The cops are always trouble. Inside.
- Evening, gents. Have fun.
- Good evening.
- Hi, Marcus.
- All good?
Have fun.
How goes it, Franck?
- Serge.
- Hi.
Welcome. Take a seat.
We talked it over earlier
and the guys who did it
work for no one here.
Anybody in any trade could be involved.
Maybe so, but why go after us?
Why not? 6 months,
you've been in the business.
- 10 years, for us guys.
- 10 years?
20, you mean.
Where were you all this time?
At the museum?
I was in mail order, based in Lyon.
Lyon?
A friend of mine
runs a sex shop in Lyon. Walter?
You know him?
My pal in Paris, Jacques Chirac,
you know him?
Those thugs might also be
residents' associations
or save-our-kids wackos.
Or god knows. We've seen it all.
Sure, absolutely.
Why not get a bouncer
like my guy?
We can't afford hired muscle.
We won't give in.
What was the damage?
The damage?
Everything. The whole place.
Ventilation, cabins, lights...
We're shut till it's done.
What do we tell our girls?
- Our employees.
- What do we tell them?
- I had a great dream.
- Liar.
It was wild.
I'll tell you anyway.
Can't he get that?
Take over on the sausages.
You're not picking up?
Tomorrow, sure.
Fine, thanks.
Message from Vogel.
He wants to see us, find ways to help.
This is it, we're in.
You ok?
Can smell your party out on the deck.
Yeah, so I was out hitchhiking...
Cut a deal and keep an eye on them.
You're sure of your cover?
Pretty much.
Lacombe, can we lose the shades?
And you kick back, relax!
Your family is your business,
but call at least.
Your wife's besieging the switchboard.
My wife?
My wife!
I'll call her, it's just...
I just forgot, but I'll call.
Thank you, it'll give us a break.
If you screw up,
you better watch your backs.
- Look, the poster.
- It's cute.
Go on in.
Please, ladies, take a seat.
Likewise.
A drink, gents?
- No, thanks.
- Sure.
I could go for a scotch.
You have your accounts?
It's all in there.
We made a rocky start.
Now business is booming.
All the money we make...
We plow back into our films
and the firm.
We're doing well,
as the attack proves.
I want their names.
We can't help you on that.
You sell your films to other peep shows?
No, only some by mail order.
They're mainly to showcase our dancers.
Very smart.
That is smart.
For the cabins,
you're looking at 50 grand.
Plus ventilation and lighting.
That's a lot of dough.
We know that.
If we expected to default,
we wouldn't be here.
What's your collateral?
Bravo, cutie pie. I'm hard.
First time in years, watching porn.
Nice work.
There are 50-60 clubs in the provinces
who'd pay 300 per reel of that stuff.
The cost to you?
1,500.
Each.
The firm's running a profit.
But Galaxie Distribution
becomes your exclusive video supplier.
With a 30% cut on each tape sold.
You'll reopen in a week.
We'll supply all the merchandise.
Films, videos, gadgets...
The store is yours or do you rent?
It's ours.
If you default,
we'll take shares in the business.
Georges, pull out a contract.
Put that we're loaning them
100,000 francs
at 20% over one year.
And as collateral,
the Mirodrome itself.
One missed installment
and we become shareholders.
I didn't expect conditions in our favor
but that's...
No bank will back you.
Anyone?
With pleasure.
What if...
we're reattacked?
We can lean on folks when we want.
We're professionals.
As partners,
we'll teach you to cheat the man
and make money on the sly.
How to become
kings of the shit heap!
Can you stop?
Fiddling.
Here we go.
I used to love stakeouts but now...
Now what?
They're shit boring!
Maurice has fingers
in how many pies? Insane.
Look.
How long's this gonna take?
I could do some coke.
I wanna fuck.
Me too.
A real joker, that Maurice.
We'll wipe the smile off his face.
They only took 3 bags.
They left cash in there, for sure.
What do we do?
We wait and see who rocks up in the car.
Simple.
One guy takes half the takings
and another the other half,
so they're running a dual system.
They declare part of it
and reinvest the other part.
Basic money-laundering.
The question is, through what?
Got anything to smoke?
Does Pinocchio have wooden balls?
Nice, big toke. Go on.
Yeah, for sure.
It has something special, but what?
Know what's special?
It's on expenses.
That's right, I was thinking...
I knew it.
- Fantastic weed.
- Only the best will do.
You gotta use taxpayers' money wisely.
Shit, it's good.
Damn!
Here.
Just because I dragged on it?
I don't share joints. Or toothbrushes.
- You're fucking psycho.
- I'm not.
Hands off my toothbrush.
It's not something you think twice about.
Meaning?
You're a fat slob.
I'm a slob?
I spend my time at home,
cleaning up your shit.
Three weeks solid, taking out garbage.
Like I give a shit.
Ask the girls to do it.
And wash the tub after you bang in it?
What the fuck are you on?
What's your problem?
Know what, you're a freak.
Cleanliness, germs, all that shit.
Coffee even. Every cup, clean cup.
- So?
- Who does that?
Everybody does.
Only you. In the whole wide world.
You're a pain in the ass.
I've had it up to here.
- Yeah?
- You piss me off.
I'll ask Bazin for a place of my own.
Nobody giving me shit.
Banging chicks in my tub.
And no grief from you.
You can't live alone.
I can't? I lived alone loads.
- Loads of times!
- When?
Never, right.
When I had that place...
Shit, the car's gone.
Drive!
Drive...
Drive, please, you say.
You lunkhead. Drive, please, will ya!
There you go.
I don't believe it.
- What?
- It's stuck.
- What, dammit?
- A can, under the pedal.
I don't give a shit! Drive!
Got it.
Cool.
Why did you open it?
To drink it. Stupid question.
Let's go.
Yes, it's me.
How's it going?
Good, good.
And the children?
I know, sorry. I had no time to call.
I said, I had no time to call.
I don't have free use of the phone.
I'm working here.
No, I didn't say that.
Don't wind me up or we'll get nowhere.
Sorry, you're right. I apologize.
Yes.
I miss you all too, of course.
Yes, I miss you.
I'll come by sometime,
I don't know when.
I promise I'll come. I promise.
I know it's tricky.
Watch out.
- It's a game to turn me on?
- Maybe.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, buddy.
My boyfriend.
Monkey Cock!
Thank you!
Hakim...
- Gotta blow 'em out?
- Sure.
Here goes.
Silence!
He's gonna talk.
Shut up!
Monkey Cock, shut it!
I have an announcement to make.
I wanted to throw a party,
firstly for Serge's birthday.
And also to celebrate
the Mirodrome reopening next week!
Great news.
It's home!
We're going home!
I'm proud of her.
Chlo?
Too right, buddy.
She's fab.
I like the look of you. What do you do?
I'm a drummer in a band.
Cool.
You wanna...
No kidding.
Let's go.
Sure.
Bust it out.
- Come again?
- The coke. Bust it out.
I thought you had some.
You said, you wanna?
So what?
The guy with gear says that.
You said, let's go.
The guy with gear says that.
Usually, sure.
But what you said trumps it.
So you don't have any?
Nope.
You ok?
The girls told me about your audition.
Disappointed?
Apply again next year.
And to other drama schools.
Yeah, sure.
We're lucky to have you.
I knew it first time I saw you
in the dressing room.
I thought, let's hope she'll do it.
I got lucky with you guys.
No one's ever been so good to me.
How about we score acid?
Great.
How much you got?
- 100.
- Same here. That'll cover it.
Meet you back here
in an hour with the gear.
Here in one hour? Got it.
- Let's do it.
- You bet.
Well?
Well what?
- Don't just sit there.
- Aren't you gonna go buy it?
- I thought you...
- Shit!
- You said, how about we score...
- I know what I said.
How come you never keep a chick?
I'd love my wife to leave.
She won't leave.
She stays.
But it can't be fun being you.
With nothing, alone.
You'll die alone like a piece of shit.
I feel sorry for you.
You're nuts.
I don't have nothing.
Kind of.
I don't see it like that.
I'm single but anything can happen.
I feel for you. You don't get it.
I feel sorry for you.
See?
You never stayed with a girl.
- You're alone.
- Not true.
I was with one girl for 3 years.
We were deeply in love.
Her name escapes me right now.
But she was great.
Can I get some help here?
What are you guys staring at?
Use your hands for once.
You're a couple of idiots.
This is killing me.
Hey, sweetheart.
- It's so good to see you. We missed you.
- Same here.
- I'm kinda beat.
- Daddy!
My darlings, my loves!
How are you, champ?
- You're home now?
- Coffee?
I have to go back tomorrow night.
That's mine!
Children!
Let me play!
Mom!
Pauline hit me.
- Did you hit him?
- I didn't touch him.
Stop squabbling now.
Give me that recorder. Confiscated.
What the hell's going on?
You're not ready?
What's up?
I'm pregnant.
That's wonderful.
How long already?
Second month, barely showing.
I'm happy for you.
I told you, always knock.
What is it?
Somebody to see you.
Coming.
Congratulations.
I'll be right back.
How you doing?
Wait for me inside.
Call if you need me.
Wasn't this a shoe store before?
What do you want?
Come with us.
- What for?
- Don't ask.
I can't, I'm busy. I just reopened.
Thanks to who?
With whose money?
Do yourself a favor.
I like you, you know.
Come on, ride shotgun. Let's go.
Where to?
Stinks of manure.
Slurry pits. It's different.
Like I give a shit.
I hate the countryside. Cows, hicks...
Let's cut the crap, where are we going?
Where are we going?
You guys are in trouble.
I gotta get back to the Mirodrome.
That's better.
Get in.
I have something to show you.
Get out.
Listen.
You're deathly pale.
What did you think?
I wanted you to hear it.
The forest.
It's cool,
I'm just on edge right now.
With the reopening...
I can't sleep.
You'll sleep at mine.
We have matters to discuss.
I can't leave the Mirodrome.
Where's your buddy?
15 all.
We're happy.
Is that not allowed?
Play.
Higher.
Toss it higher.
Or else you have no chance.
Funny how in tennis, they...
Yes!
30-15.
Come on!
Love you, baby!
Give 'em hell, sweets!
She's stupid, so stupid.
30 all.
For fuck's sake!
Quit serving at her!
Give it width
or she knocks it straight back.
Keep calm.
- It's only a game.
- It's cool.
They're children.
She's stupid. Your partner's stupid.
You're gonna lose.
- Calm down.
- Can it, will ya!
Dad!
This is a tennis court, so calm down.
I don't call this a tennis court.
This is no tennis court.
Watch what she's doing.
They're children.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
You've lost it?
You're as bad as the stupid bitch now?
Drop the bitch.
Kick her out!
She'll play better all on her own!
You're useless. Just useless!
You just whack it. It's bullshit!
- Get out now!
- What?
And don't come back.
- It's a tennis match.
- Fuck this.
Listen up.
Call yourself a coach?
Piece of shit, yeah!
Get out of here!
You're out of your mind.
You're crap.
Baby, honey...
- Out!
- I'll wait in the car.
- Out!
- Get your hands off me!
- Get out and don't come back.
- Asshole.
Go!
Ask yourself
why you're only a coach, asshole!
Beat it.
Love ya, sweetheart. I'll be in the car.
- No smoking here!
- Fuck off!
That goes for you, too.
Fuck you all!
You look out of sorts.
You don't mind coming?
No, I'm delighted I came.
You don't look it.
Repeat after me.
I'm glad to be here.
I'm glad to be here.
Franck, meet Linda,
Madison and Pamela.
They work for me,
spend the weekends here.
We're family.
Evening.
You get the bedroom.
Who's that?
That? Jesus.
Who did you think?
It's a photo.
Yeah. Recognize him anywhere.
Maurice, it's a photo.
Yeah.
Crazy, right?
I don't really recognize him.
Make yourself at home.
And look.
A swing.
The shower's there.
I'll lend you a shirt or go au naturel.
No mosquitoes here.
C'mon, baby.
Your shirt.
Thanks.
What's that?
You were a Para?
That's a long time ago, in another life.
One of my actors has the same.
A Pole.
Shit at dialogue
but a walking hardon.
Like that.
Paras are the real deal.
Pamela, come in.
She has a favor to ask.
Go on, ask him, cupcake.
When you come over shy like that,
it's as if you're from the sticks.
No, but he just arrived.
So what?
Can Pamela shower with you?
She'd really like that.
I dunno...
Relax, buddy.
You're unsure I'll let you bang Pamela?
You bet you can bang Pamela,
or she'll think you don't like her.
- I got this tablecloth.
- Beautiful.
- Not bad.
- Provenal?
And this for Jeremy.
Your little Pauline threw a tantrum
to get the top she wanted.
Really?
And not the one I picked out for her.
I've no idea if you're going to like this
but here goes...
A teddy.
Pale yellow's just...
- You'll look sexy in it.
- "Sexy"?
You'll look beautiful.
And the blouse, you didn't say?
It's got it all, looks awesome on you.
Are we done?
You don't like it, do you?
I like it a lot, but I'll be late.
All this bores you.
No, it doesn't, but you know,
towels and stuff, we could discuss...
- "Towels and stuff"?
- Don't take it like that!
Sweetheart, don't look at me that way.
Go on, run to your buddy.
Not my buddy, my partner.
You think we spend all our time partying?
Not a bit.
If only you knew, I'm sick of it.
I want to be with you and the kids.
Our life.
I love you.
I love you.
Cocaine, the breakfast of...
Champions!
What about my shirt?
Sit.
You like creamed anchovy?
Creamed anchovy goes with rye bread.
Watch carefully. Knife.
Cut a slice.
Looking good.
The hard part is keeping it straight.
There we go. See this tube?
One squeeze and here comes
yummy creamed anchovy,
nice and brown, nice and gooey.
Looks like shit.
Wonderful, isn't it?
Now, let's spread.
Ok, baby?
Here, eat.
Taste it.
Eat it, pumpkin.
Good, isn't it?
Like it?
I like you. Like you a lot.
More?
I'm good.
Now for the coke!
We're taking cocaine!
Where is it?
Here, popsy.
Coffee?
I have an Italian percolator,
makes fab coffee!
You play Mastermind?
Mastermind!
Stop that.
When's my turn?
Sorry, Maurice, but you lose.
Unbelievable, you fucked it up.
She's behind, showing you the colors.
Your turn, Pam.
Return match.
That was it. Pam, your turn.
That wasn't it. Bullshit!
That's two games, Momo.
Pamela hasn't played yet.
You're ganging up on me tonight?
It's cool.
What's up?
- Not cool!
- Calm down.
I will not calm down!
It's only a game.
It's not only a game. You're wrong!
Fuck this!
Quitter!
Linda...
- Never mind.
- Just play.
Madison, take her place.
You start.
Alright.
Who's playing?
C'mon, play.
Girls, let's play.
Come on! Empty those things.
Choose your colors.
Let's go.
Major-league Mastermind.
Empty your things.
What was that?
I found this by the coats.
It just went off.
Just like that.
- No way.
- Yes, just like that.
- Give.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
Give it to me!
- No.
- Yes!
Watch out.
That one wasn't me.
You have a nerve.
Can't you hold a gun?
It's not hard.
He's nuts!
Know what?
Herons are a plague here.
Tomorrow, we'll go hunting.
Yes?
For sure.
Ok, Maurice?
Joker. I win.
- That's not a joker.
- We can cheat.
You play by the rules now?
I had a joker, too.
- Sure you did.
- We believe you.
Stop it.
I fell in love with a teacher.
That's a classic.
She was a woman.
Alright, teacher lady.
It's Momo.
What? Where?
You ok, Maurice? Where'd you go?
Help. Dad's flat out.
Follow me.
What do you mean, flat out?
He's dead.
Help me.
What happened?
How should I know?
His neighbor found him
outside his house.
He died with his boots on.
Girls, go get champagne and glasses!
We'll bury him.
Find him a nice spot
under the trees.
Really? Here?
Sure, that whole performance...
Funeral, choose a grave, buy a coffin.
That bullshit pisses me off.
This way, it's a lot faster,
more hygienic and cheaper.
Want some, kitten?
We already finished
five!
That's good, we can put him in.
Pam!
Fetch the bible from the living room.
One, two, three!
To my father,
the last independent farmer!
Now for a ceremony he'd love!
He danced his whole life!
Awesome!
It's beautiful.
Come on, Franck.
Come on!
Do you want to work
as a producer for me?
Maybe we could discuss the idea sometime.
Your clubs don't need us.
No, clearly not.
A film. A real one.
That's why you brought me here?
I appreciate your trust but...
We're amateurs.
We'll stick to our little movies.
I'm not sure we could do it.
I think so.
You'd line up
a pro, a big-name girl,
and some fluffers.
And your stable of chicks.
The business needs new girls.
Especially your blonde...
She's the future.
Caprice.
I don't know...
I don't know how far she's ready to go.
We'd sign her up, exclusivity,
the whole shebang.
Photos, centerfolds, magazine spreads.
Caprice, the hot new bombshell.
And we'd put posters up in our stores.
Look after her.
That's what I do.
I really love my girls.
I adopted them.
I want to be their all.
Father, brother, lover.
Understand?
That's how you treat your girls.
They're your family.
Anyway, porno
is the coolest movie biz to work in.
Bruno Fratoni.
Lionel Marchalaud.
Georges Chalva.
Here's our star
and his main associate...
Andr Dapisse and Maurice Vogel.
We need to catch them
red-handed for the DA.
Money-laundering charges will need
to stand up against their hotshot lawyers.
The scumbag's peep and sex shop profits
will be recycled in a film.
Cash will change hands.
From Vogel
to detectives Lacombe and Aimos,
who produce for him.
The mission from hell!
We sit tight
until we witness the transaction.
No cash means no proof, no arrests.
The bastards are longtime targets.
With this film, we'll nail them.
Yes, turn now.
Profile, show us your boobs.
- Is this good?
- Magnificent!
It's all good.
Yes!
Great!
Hang on...
Sublime. Caress your breasts.
Here's what we do...
We contract kiddo there for one film.
Paid 1,000 francs per scene.
Galaxie holds the rights to the material.
If the camera likes her
and she likes it,
we'll sign her up for three films.
Paid 1,500-2,000 francs per day.
Not bad.
There's more. If all goes well, buddy...
If all goes well, we'll see.
Just so you know,
bestiality, watersports, sodomy...
Forget it, we're not in.
Like we care.
One last thing...
I hope this isn't a deal-breaker...
We want Caprice to have
a great career with us, so shoot.
Who plays her driver?
We haven't cast anyone yet.
Marc Boni ring any bells?
That's you.
A highly talented actor.
Look, you know, why not?
Yup, why not?
That calls for a drink!
We have work to do, thanks.
See you on set.
Later, guys.
Two.
Three.
Memorize your numbers.
Four. That way...
we call you and you're there.
Six.
What are you diddling there, sir?
A little patience is good.
Ten.
Shit.
We're good.
8's a pro.
I never worked with him, but he's good.
Number 8!
- You've been in films?
- Six.
John Baccardi. I brought photos.
The best standing buttfucker
with facial to order.
- Last movie?
- Trench Warfare.
You saw it?
Yeah, it's good.
It's a one-week shoot, 500 a day.
You don't pay per scene?
Only for minor roles.
Who's in it?
Besides Lola Herrera, all new girls.
Lola Herrera? I love her!
It's my dream to work with her.
Let's see.
Not bad for the Count, right?
Fine, yeah.
See you soon.
Thanks.
So long.
Kids, I gotta go. Make a great film.
Not too good or it won't sell.
You're a true beauty.
Thank you.
What scene are you in?
I have one with you.
I did doggie twice in my last,
so maybe you'd mix it up.
I'd hate to be typecast.
Since we're all here,
let's do a speed run.
A speed run?
A read-through.
Some roles
have more lines than others so...
My apologies for that.
Sorry.
So, picture the scene.
Exterior, night.
A castle.
Wreathed in fog.
A limousine pulls up.
A driver steps out.
He opens the door
for two ladies in ballgowns.
Nathalie touches Savannah's arm
and points to the castle...
I've never been inside a castle.
- Like that?
- What?
"I've never been inside a castle."
A problem?
You're in awe!
You've never seen a castle.
You're dazzled.
Something in your eyes, seeing a...
A castle. Your first ever!
I've seen lots.
I have to act like I'd never seen
a castle in my life?
Bingo.
I get it.
That's why you say,
I've never been inside a castle.
From the top.
What you doing in there?
I'm re-reading the script.
I know exactly what you're doing.
I don't get it, we're working. Why this?
Come off it.
You're not paid to be my best friend.
I like to party as much as the next guy,
but like this?
All alone in the crapper, dammit.
Why? Why are you taking that now?
Because it's there.
Nathalie, Savannah and Solange
complete their journey in time
in dresses from 1900.
They escape from the castle
by sliding down
a rope of bras and panties.
They land on the grass outside
at first light.
They start running
with a pack of dobermans on their heels.
They succeed in getting away.
The End.
Magnificent.
Wonderful.
Now let's make it.
- Look!
- We're here.
It's perfect.
It's pornfect, you mean.
Beautiful hydrangeas.
Here we are!
Thank you, Pachard.
Stop it, you're...
You're knitting?
Sure, she's pregnant.
Yeah, very sexy.
We're here to make a film
and you're knitting?
Come on, she's pregnant.
The biggest turn-off ever is knitting.
I'm sorry.
What's that?
I did it yesterday. Like it?
It's disgusting.
Unfilmable.
Really?
It's abominable.
I had no idea.
It's all the rage. The landing strip.
The landing strip?
Look.
That's sick.
I told you not to do it, didn't I?
- I guess.
- Let's see...
It's hard being pregnant in porn.
So why didn't you adopt?
With my genes? Are you nuts?
The owners are coming Wednesday.
I scheduled
the dialogue scenes that day.
I won't be here. I have no dialogue.
Exactly.
That's lucky.
- How come?
- My memory's useless.
Same here.
I blame my divorce on nudism.
I love nudism.
My wife was scared
of catching cold.
How's your room?
If I take it doggie style, nobody'll...
What's that?
Champagne and armagnac.
I just discovered it.
Let me try.
Not bad.
Fix you one?
You think I could be someone special?
Sure, why?
I don't know.
What does Marc tell you to do
while he's playing?
Sit in your room waiting for him?
No.
He's cool with everything.
As long as I'm not bored.
Let's not make it an excuse to flirt.
Not on this film, at least.
Definitely not.
Especially not tonight.
Not on your life.
Not out of sight, so no one finds out.
I won't walk you to your room either.
I'd rather die.
Jerome, where's my room?
You're just there.
- Seen Sergio?
- No, I haven't seen Sergio.
Don't go all the way,
save it for tomorrow. On set at 10!
Jerome, look.
Dick chopper!
Great.
Surprise!
Fuck!
You ok, John?
Great, thanks.
All alone?
For now, yeah.
Suits me fine.
Holy shit!
I gotta go.
Shut the door.
Want me to send someone?
No, I'm good.
There's not a sound.
I couldn't get to sleep.
It shows on my mug?
I shot a film on video once.
Horrible. Every wrinkle jumped out.
Maybe I'm in rural depression.
They plastered makeup
on a boob pimple for hours.
How am I?
Superb.
As long as I have a face,
you'll have a seat.
You charmer.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Bob, how's it looking?
- I'm used to it.
- It's always tricky.
Higher.
Lower.
Higher.
You're so slow.
Leave it like that. It's too steep.
You know, toots...
In this scene, the boom's high up,
so give it some decibels.
I hear you.
Pachard, we gotta get moving.
What the hell are they doing?
- Nobody knows.
- We're good.
We're not good.
People are farting around.
The owners are here.
Is it Wednesday?
- So how come?
- With their kid.
Shit.
What do we do?
Hold on a second.
Get her dressed.
To start with. You found Caprice?
Sure. I woke up Franck.
Franck? How come...
We're good to go. People, please.
It's 9 already.
Shit.
- You didn't wake me.
- No worries.
Get ready and hurry downstairs.
We'll take good care of you.
You're sure?
You'll take me under your wing?
Yeah.
I first heard that expression as a kid.
Ever since, I wanted it to be true.
I'm not sure
Marc's the right guy for that.
I know.
Does it bother you?
What?
Me being in films.
Not a bit. I'm producing them.
Sure, but it's not the same now.
You're sure you don't mind
me doing scenes?
You say no, but it feels like it does.
Of course it doesn't.
You'd tell me, right?
Definitely not.
Thank you.
How are you?
Good morning.
A fine surprise.
As you said it was educational,
we brought Alexandre.
Excellent idea.
- Morning, Alexandre.
- Good morning, sir.
Cutie pie.
What a privilege,
opportunity and honor
to shoot in your magnificent home.
I hope you show it off.
Absolutely.
We want luxury rating
but they don't give it to everyone.
I imagine so.
At least your shoot
will pay to fix the roof.
- And the hen run.
- Marvelous.
This is Henri Pachard, our director.
Started out with Jean-Luc Godard.
Wonderful. I love westerns.
Add it to our application.
Henri, so I come in the room,
hey girls, whatever.
And I walk to here.
That's my chair?
Super-duper.
What's the film educating about?
Reproduction.
Did you know, in Zaire,
the Nabawi penetrate the earth
with their penises?
To thank the god of fertility.
No, I didn't know that.
Me neither.
See? These films teach you stuff.
They're a kind of encyclopedia
of reproduction worldwide.
Today is your lucky day. It's France!
Where's my fluffer?
Quit twiddling your thumbs
and lock those lips on my dick,
so I'm ready for the take.
It's fascinating.
Yes.
You're gonna be a huge star.
You need someone to guide you, baby.
- And that's you?
- Yes.
That's me.
I know the pitfalls.
And the traps. Believe me.
There's lots of them.
Together, we can go places.
People will recognize us.
They'll know our names.
On the street, everywhere.
A problem, baby?
You're quiet.
Ok?
Yes.
Nervous?
Think of something else.
Like what?
Anything you want.
Caprice, sweetheart, we need you on set.
Can I think of you?
If you want.
But the Count
is anything but a gentleman.
You called Maurice?
Yeah.
He hedged. I'm scared he won't pay up.
- How come?
- I don't know.
It's dragging on. He's wary, keeps away.
What do we tell Bazin?
He's hot but you make him sizzle.
You can't resist and...
You go for the flies
and the drumstick.
If we're ready, let's get it in the can.
Real silence, for once!
Camera.
Scene 36/1, take 1.
Action!
You girls are lookers.
You're not bad yourself.
You must be hung like a horse.
Yeah, I'm an animal lover.
Let's arrest them for shit dialogue.
For later, sure.
Very well.
She's so fucking hot.
Holy fucking shit!
I can't watch, she gives me a migraine.
Caprice,
turn slightly toward the camera.
You're too tense. Relax.
It'll come.
The kid just stays there?
Caprice, a bit more toward the camera.
Damn, I'm all the way in.
Feels good, right?
You feel it?
I love your tight pussy.
I'm balls deep.
You feel it, don't you?
You're turning me on.
Tell her to stop, it tickles.
Toots, change hands.
It's casting shadows, too.
It's so good.
You feel it?
I love your pussy.
I want you so bad.
You love it.
I'm gonna come.
No discharging. The cumshot's next up.
On Lola.
- Cut.
- We've cut.
Come on, let's go.
- I only have 100 feet.
- Don't give a shit.
There!
Do it, do it!
I'll say when I'm ready.
Do it. We'll go end sticks.
Roll it.
Speed.
We're rolling.
Fast!
Coming!
End sticks.
36/6, take 1. Tail slate.
We got it?
- It went so fast.
- We got it.
- Sure?
- We got it.
Magnificent. John Baccardi!
It's not our last shoot together.
In your room, not on set.
Grab your stuff and go.
Got that? You're fired, beat it.
I was born by C-section.
Alexandre was a C-section, too.
- No way?
- Sure.
It's wonderful, so much better.
Olive oil on my beans, please.
Not butter.
Butter's great.
I'm no magician. We'll run out today.
When will the stock get here?
We'll go see Maurice.
As soon as we get the cash,
I'll call the lab.
What about the offcuts?
We'll save them for tomorrow.
Afterward...
Finito.
- Eat some greens.
- Don't laugh it off.
You're not interested?
Sure I am.
But like I said...
I have nothing.
You just laugh. You don't care.
I do care, it's just...
- I'm in shit and you goof off.
- We'll get the cash.
It's not funny.
Keep your hair on, Henri.
I'm on edge. I'm making a film here,
not tossing green beans. See you.
It's The Monkees.
Wasted trip, honeybuns.
We don't keep the money here.
Trouble is, we started shooting.
That's great.
When we paid up front,
the crew took my money and ran.
This isn't going to work.
We'll stop the shoot.
Tell me who fucks the best.
I'll come by later in the week.
With money?
Don't worry, you'll get the money.
When will we get it?
Tomorrow.
Come by my place in the afternoon.
The girls would like that.
We'd prefer you to write us a check.
A check?
Can you believe them?
Everyone's paid in cash
on our productions.
Porno invented the concept of tax fraud.
- Our film's gotta ring folks' bells.
- No sweat.
Guys and girls'll love it.
Yeah, and not just them.
Nice one, guys!
Great job.
We'll nail them now, boys.
Good work.
We'll collar them!
You won't be there for the arrests,
so we don't blow your cover.
Fine, so how are you going to work it?
Maurice at home with the cash.
Then we round up the others,
the film crew.
Imagine Vogel's face
when we rock up instead of you.
How come, the film crew?
We take them in, too.
Seriously? What for?
Vogel pays them in cash.
We'll make examples of them.
That wasn't the plan.
They're small fry. It's just mean.
You're nobody's favorite people.
Spare me your scruples.
Vincent joins the crew,
so we have a guy there.
Vincent?
Him?
It's just stupid.
What can he do? Sound? Camera?
In a tiny crew, they'll rumble him.
It won't fly.
Hire him as an actor
to justify his presence.
- Me acting?
- Easy, tiger.
We nab Maurice and the gang
before you get on.
It's a lame idea.
Just find a way to get him in tonight.
The operation's tomorrow.
You'd trust a butthole like him?
Not a chance.
I'm very offended.
I'm ready and willing.
Like my hair?
I got the idea from a film.
What's with the outfit?
Camouflage.
Camouflage for what? Fag warfare?
I don't know.
Let's go.
Where the hell have you guys been?
Finding a replacement for Marc.
This is Vincent.
Hi there, Vincent!
Henri Pachard, big boss.
Vincent.
Pachard, low-paid and patient.
Welcome.
Drag up a chair.
Henri was pitching us ideas.
So...
Yes, I was saying that...
I think I've reached a level
as a director,
technically and artistically,
that allows me to cross over
into mainstream cinema.
How about we do it together?
I have millions of ideas that will make
a fortune every time.
Just one example...
Citizen Kane 2.
Imagine
kids enter the property
with the big gate there.
Citizen Kane.
They go through the gate.
They take the sled by the fire...
Rosebud.
They remove the sled from the flames.
And the sled's magic.
They go outside with the sled
and then...
Our story begins.
How was your day?
Yeah, great. My scenes were cool,
with Sheila and Melissa.
I think Henri was happy. Right?
And you?
- Good day?
- Fine.
Fine.
You got my stock?
- You got film?
- We will tomorrow.
Sure?
We're in business.
Mr. Smiley says,
smile and the world smiles with you.
Smile a bit.
John!
Cazzo duro!
No kidding.
Monkey Cock?
We're back in business.
Momo, when you buy groceries,
can you get
makeup remover and cotton buds?
Girls, let's concentrate.
Feel yourselves taking off.
We're levitating, we're rising.
We have no more bodies, no more arms.
Feel your soul in your feet.
Where are Serge and Franck?
Nobody's seen them all day.
Where the hell are they?
What do we do? Work on our characters?
Fredo, how much film you got?
Four minutes.
Let's do it. Positions.
Lean kinda languidly on the hood
of the Bentley. Perfect.
- We're shooting.
- You bet.
Pumpkin, lose the cigarette.
You go straight for the pants
and start bobbing.
Forget the tie. Straight for the pants.
I'm not in great shape.
Sorry.
Tomorrow maybe.
Tomorrow?
No shit?
I have a crew, a Bentley, a star!
Four minutes of film
and you're like "maybe tomorrow"?
Straight up,
I want my scene right here, right now.
Tomorrow, come on.
Come back to earth.
Want a slug of Ricard?
- To relax you?
- Yeah.
Drink up.
Would you prefer something a bit...
violent, you know, or more...
languorous.
A mix. We'll mix it up.
A mix?
You heard that? Mix it up.
How long for you to get into gear?
Look, you give it a tug-a-lug.
And when you're fit and firing,
give us a shout.
We're good.
Blow him.
We're reborn as animal or vegetable.
Maurice Vogel?
A name is only what a guy makes of it.
Him. Nobody else.
What's he say?
You mind if I take a look in the bag?
You need a new outfit?
Where's the cash?
What cash?
Turn the place upside down.
Find the dough!
I'm flying.
Where the hell are they?
You go left.
So we're screwed?
Most likely.
What do we risk?
Dunno.
The top brass won't want any publicity.
Anyway, what does it matter?
We put sunshine in their heads.
Don't let it stop now.
I'm glad we did it.
I'm glad.
Henri!
- You ever made a film in Italy?
- No.
Maybe the next one.
Alright.
Count me in.
Showtime, ladies.
Henri, we're ready.
So...
Let's finish the damn film!
Ready, kids?
So, roll camera.
Speed.
Scene 51/1, take 1.
Action, girls!
What's that?
I don't know.
Nature's far out.
Cut!
Come here, kids. Bring the camera.
Grab it, come on.
Film it, let's roll.
Rolling!