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Penguin League (2019)
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(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) Space, Flip! One small waddle for a penguin, one giant wing flap for penguinkind. I still can't believe we're here! We actually launched from our home on planet Earth's north pole and colonized outer space. It's utterly incredible! Well, I do know it's time for lunch. Are you as hungry as I am? Mm, lunch? I could eat a whole penguin. Hey, you're a penguin, you can't eat a penguin. (GULPS) Moving right along. Hey, Space Jack's fly through is half a light year up ahead on the right. Oh, I could go for one of their fish sandwiches. I'll radio the ICE ship, see if the gang wants us to get anything for them. Greetings, Flip, Zooey. How's your first dual space expedition going? It's going great, captain. I think Flip and I are gonna make a penguific pair. Right, Flip? All right, Zooey, just long as we keep lots of yummy snacks around. I'm happy to hear that, you two. I had a hunch you'd make a good team. Hey, are you guys hungry at all? Zooey and I are starving, and we're about to cruise right by Space Jack's. Want us to pick up some extra fish sandwiches? Mm, mm, Space Jack's makes the best fast fish sandwiches in the cosmos. Yeah, I could swallow them whole! Now Flop, we'll remember to chew this time, okay? That sounds wonderful, Flip. We'll take three fish sandwiches. And feel free to take a break and join us for lunch when you drop them off. Awesome, see y'all in a few. Y'all, where did you get y'all between the north pole and outer space? My uncle Reg. Uncle Reg? I don't remember an uncle Reg. He was from the Blexus star system and visited last Earth winter. You were hibernating. Lucky me. He left me a 10 gallon cowboy hat and you woke up and used it as a Slip 'N Slide, remember? Oh, that? I worked up some speed on that thing. I know, you wore out the felt and crushed it on the first day. I always crush it, Flip. It's what I do, crush it! Let's get some fish. Thank you so much for the fish sandwiches, Zooey, Flip. Yeah guys, thanks a bunch. Ah, the pungent scent of sardines gets my beak salivating every time. Hey, Flop, h-h-how about a game of scissors, paper, ice cubes? You lose, I get your sandwich. And if you lose I get yours? No. What kinda deal is that? A good one from my perspective. Exactly, I think I'll pass. Ah, have it your way. If you two would like to take a minute to join us for lunch, we have room. Thanks a bunch, Captain Stella, but we don't want to leave Slushy out in space. He might get lonely, or think he isn't welcome. And he's super cool. We're enjoying getting to know him a lot. Slushy is rad, top of the line spacecraft. He's a bit too literal sometimes, but we're working on that. Ah, I thought Slushy was the name of their spaceship. It is, they upgraded to an artificial intelligence motherboard, so the ship talks to them. Get out! It's true, they're talking about installing AI in this ICE ship, too! Really? But we already have you on the crew, how much artificial intelligence do we need? Gee, funny. I know, right? It was so funny I forgot to laugh. See? An AI's not perfect. Well, I'll let you space penguins ship out, and we'll see you at the end of your expedition. Space penguins! Hip, hip! Hooray! Enjoy your sandwiches, and if you need anything else just let us know. I love to hit the fly through. They can probably tell from the size of your belly. BOTH: Ohh! Let's go, Slushy. The universe is our clam. I'm starving, I can't wait to dig into our sandwiches. Don't they smell scrumptious? Mmm. (SNIFFS) Hmm, something smells funny, actually. Did you? No, I do not have gas. It was a one time thing, okay? I already apologized. Okay, okay, you don't have to bite my head off. You never let me forget anything, you know that? You did some damage in here, that's all. It wasn't that bad. It made my eyes water. We're penguins, our eyes are always glassy. Not like that! Slushy, you're lucky you weren't here yet, it was horrible. SLUSHY: I am not outfitted with aroma sensories, therefore it's doubtful I would have shared in your unpleasant experience, Zooey. Is that your fancy way of agreeing with me? SLUSHY: Yes. Okay, this conversation's over, it's time to eat. Slushy, activate auto pilot. SLUSHY: Automatic pilot activated, Flip. Mm-mm, fresh fish sandwich here I come! SLUSHY: The accuracy of your description is suspect, seeing that the fish in question traveled approximately 6.5 million Earth miles. If stored in an ice and salt mixture during transport, it is conceivable the fish reached Space Jack's still in the marketplace's definition of quote fresh unquote. I think I just lost my appetite. Slushy, I just want to enjoy my fish sandwich right now. Can I just do that, please? SLUSHY: Certainly, Flip. Thank you. SLUSHY: Although I feel it is my duty to inform you that your sandwich contains the elements carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorous, and sulfur. What does that mean, Slushy? SLUSHY: There's cheese on your sandwich. Cheese? Cheese? SLUSHY: Yes, cheese. But, but I specifically said no cheese, no cheese, right? Absolutely. We cannot afford you having any cheese in this close environment of this small ship. We penguins are lactose intolerant, and you definitely have problems with gas. Maybe the fly through workers just made a mistake. Maybe we can take the cheese off. Slushy, is it melted or sliced? SLUSHY: My x-rays show that the cheese is melted, Flip. Melted, aww, we can't even peel it off. All that good fish, ruined! Blast it! Slushy, what kind of cheese is it? SLUSHY: My sensors indicate American cheese. American, the most obvious cheese. This is terrible, what are we going to eat? SLUSHY: The underside of the bun appears to be salvageable. Excuse me, do we look like pigeons? In all my days, I've never had to resort to picking at pieces of bun. I'm not going to start now. Ditto that, we're penguins. Space penguins! Elite space penguins, intergalactic ICE penguins! (GASPS) Flip, we need to warn the others! If our sandwiches have cheese, theirs probably do, too. Slushy, connect us to the ICE ship right away. SLUSHY: As you wish, Flip. (DIGITAL BEEPING) Captain Stella, don't eat those fish sandwiches! I'm afraid its too late, Flip. (GASPS) Oh no! Yeah guys, Flop already dug in. Blast it! He's going to (GRUNTS) out the other end. (FLOP GRUNTING) Any minute! But we just flew out, why did you have to eat a sandwich so fast, Flop? Two sandwiches. Two? Yeah, two. I bet Bondo at scissors, paper, ice cubes, and won! I've never been so happy to lose in my life, let me tell ya. What a nightmare. Needless to say, penguins, I passed on mine. Smart, captain. Alas, it begs the question, who put cheese on our sandwiches? I ordered all of them with no cheese, captain, honest! He did, I heard him loud and clear. And that's no small feat. We're penguins, not external ear flabs. (FLOP MOANING AND GRUNTING) Oh you guys, I think I'm gonna be sick. Bondo, find a bucket for Flop. Do not let him vomit on the floor. If we slip in it, we'll never get back on our feet. We can't right our bodies up at all! Too clumsy, we'll slide in it forever. I'm on it, captain. (FLOP GROANING) Flip, Zooey, I'm calling an emergency meeting. I want to see the both of you at headquarters, immediately. (FLIP GULPS) We're on our way. You think we're in trouble? Trouble, what did we do? Duh, Zooey, we delivered bad sandwiches to the ICE ship. SLUSHY: Correction, Flip. The sandwiches themselves are adequate. They are prepared as advertised and all ingredients are well within their expiration dates. You and your species representatives simply have an inversion and/or intolerance to cheese. Thanks Slushy, but that doesn't exactly make me feel better. SLUSHY: Sounds like a personal problem. Geez, Louise, I didn't know they programmed you with snark. SLUSHY: I'm not sure who Louise is. You may have me confused with another artificial intelligence unit. I can't do this right now, I'm stressing out. It's gonna be fine, I think. Let's just go see what the captain wants to talk about. Hopefully it's not revoking my space flight credentials. SLUSHY: The odds of that are solidly 50/50. Thanks. Thanks. Finally, what took you two so long? Our radar showed you at two light years away, but in the time it took, Slushy could have traveled four light years. Uh, we encountered a flash asteroid field, Captain. Oh? I didn't see any space disturbances on my screens. That's because there weren't any, Captain. There was no astroid field. Flip was too nervous to exit our ship and come in. He hung onto his seat for dear life, until Slushy had no choice but to eject him from the airlock. Gee, thanks Zooey, the asteroid field story was perfectly feasible. Was not, Captain Stella said herself she didn't see it on the screens. They pop up by surprise all the time. Flash asteroid storms, before radar picks them up, they're gone! Name one time that's happened to us. I'm gonna have an issue with that spaceship if he ejects me from my seat again, Captain. You two take a chill pill, penguins. And if possible, make that an antacid. Most importantly, who in the galaxy put cheese on an entire order of fish sandwiches for penguins who don't digest cheese? It's all my fault, Captain. I should have checked them before handing them over. Nonsense, Flip, you shouldn't have had to. But a spaceguin worth his mettle leaves no rock unturned. What happened to Flop is my fault. Flip, Flop's going to be fine. He just needs a little down time and bedrest. And possibly a mackerel juice cleanse. But we were buddies, he and I. We were each other's first co-pilots. Flip and Flop, the dynamo duo. What am I, chopped liver? With cheese on it. (GASPS) Why, you. Listen up you two, there's a valuable lesson to be learned here. Our mistakes don't define us, and the unexpected happens all the time. This whole big, wild universe is borne of chaos, and that chaos is always a mere breath away. And that's supposed to make me feel better? Yeah, I'm not really feeling it. That's okay, penguins. Don't sweat the little stuff. Now, we must get down to business. I wanna know who made those cheese sandwiches. We should be able to find that easily enough. We'll just go back and talk to the fly through manager. That's right, he might even still be there. That's a great place to start. Report back to me when, or if, you get answers. There's no if, Captain, we'll find out who did this. And we'll bring the scoundrel to justice. Hold your feathers, Zooey. For all we know, it was all just a mistake. That's a little too convenient for my taste, Cap. I think there's villainy afoot, and we're gonna get to the bottom of it. Uh oh, he's in detective mode again. This could get interesting. I'm counting on it. I'll hold things down here, and keep you updated on Flop's condition. In the meantime, you penguins get answers. Hopefully, we can ensure this doesn't happen to anyone else in the cosmos. FLIP AND ZOOEY: Yes, Captain. Cheese, eugh. Squeak, Commander Ham Sanders. I received a distress call from ICE. I'm not going anywhere near ICE, it's bad for my joints. Send somebody else, I need a vacation. No, Commander Ham Sanders, ICE stands for Intergalactic Confederation Coalition. They're intergalactic penguins! Intergalactic penguins, are they friends or foes? They're friends, and they're in need of help. We'll help them, Captain Ganymede. Just a word of caution, Squeak. Don't let your love for anything and everything edible get in the way of your mission. I won't, we're on our way, Captain Ganymede. Thanks for the heads up. Great, it's high time we get to kick some space butt. Let's get this baby on the road. Aye aye, Commander! FLIP: This, this is some pickle, Zooey. Mm, I could go for a juicy pickle right about now. Oh darn, me too, I forgot we hadn't had lunch. Got a couple cold fish sandwiches with cheese in the back. Go dig in! Ha, ha, ha. SLUSHY: I would recommend against it, based on the outcome of Flop's meal. We know, Slushy, I was just joking around. SLUSHY: I see, levity. A ha, ha, ha, ha ha, ha. Hey, Slushy has a sense of humor! Kinda. SLUSHY: Not specifically, no. A sense of humor, as you describe, is intangible and greatly depends on not only the wit of the speaker, but the perceptions of the listener. I do, however, possess situational and self-referential intelligence and can adapt to the style and lingo of the beings with which I most engage. Oh, I feel like I ate the cheese. Me, too. Hi, space penguins! I'm Squeak, with the Space Guardians, and this is my partner, Commander Ham Sanders. Partner, eh, try superior. Uh, you get the idea. We spoke with your headquarters and heard about the fact that you have a problem, and we're here to offer our help. Wow, the Space Guardians, for real? For real, cute flightless space birds. That's very cool, thanks for the offer, guys. Don't mention it. Any time you find yourselves in trouble you can't handle, the Space Guardians will be here. That's good to know. We need to find out who put cheese on our sandwiches that were most definitely ordered without cheese. Sounds like lousy customer service to me. It could have been anyone. I haven't been treated well in light years. That's a bummer, Commander. Well, nobody respects their elders anymore, or authority. I'm a decorated veteran, you know. They get the gist, Commander. Respect my authority, space gastropod, or I'll be forced to activate my punishing baton! Uh, yes, Commander Ham Sanders. You say you received sandwiches with cheese? Do you think it could have been an error, or was it done on purpose? I believe it was purposeful. The cheese was melted, so first it had to be added, then it had to be cooked. Hmm, melted cheese, oh. Oh, cheese quesadilla, cheeseburger! What is he doing? Maybe he likes cheese? (CLEARS THROAT) Okay, now then. Exactly where did you get these cheese sandwiches? We got them at Space Jack's fly through. Space Jack's? Hmm, do they still have those two for one burger bites on the menu? Uh yeah, I think so. Mmm. And the fly through's always open, correct? Yes. That's all I need to hear, penguins. We'll swing by there right away, ask some questions, see if we can get to the bottom of this here dilemma, and find a resolution here. Thanks, Guardians! I'm lactose intolerant, so that sandwich could have made me feel real bad. And our friend, Flop, ate two! He ate two? Lucky bird. He's very ill and getting sicker by the moment, from what we're being told. Those contaminated sandwiches could have done a number on our whole fleet. Most of us haven't eaten yet. You haven't eaten? You need to get some food right away! Flying on an empty s tomach is dangerous. We're working on it, Squeak. So are we, here we go. If we find out who did this to you, we'll be in touch. Absolutely. Hey, h-how much did you pay for the sandwiches? It was eight space bucks for a half dozen. Eight space bucks, whew, good to know. I have 10 space bucks in change under the console here. I might uh, need to, you know, place an order to test their aptitude. Here we go, Commander, to Space Jack's! I'll radio headquarters for backup. They don't call it a hamburger joint for nothing. (SHIP ZOOMS) The Space Guardians sure are interesting. That's one way to put it. SLUSHY: It sounded to me like his motherboard was either aging or damaged. His system may need an upgrade. Penguins, is everything all right out there? We're okay Captain, how's Flop? Not great. The cheese seems to be fogging his mind. He's lapsed into delirium. FLOP: The ice is thin, thin ice, we're on thin ice! Watch your step everyone. Oh, no. We're staying with him until it passes. We'll do everything we can. FLOP: Waddle in a straight line, (groans) straight line! No penguin left behind. (GURGLES) Not on my watch! We got it, Flop, we're keeping it straight. FLOP: One misstep could spell disaster. We know, buddy, we know. Oh, this is just terrible. Captain Stella, we'll find whoever did this and make sure they never do it to any penguin ever again. That's a promise. Stay strong, Flop! FLOP: Penguin strong, strength in numbers. Penguin army unites! Birdspeed, penguins, keep in touch. That wasn't the Flop we know. We have to do something, Flip. We can't let this cheesing go unpunished. Come on, we're getting answers right now. Slushy, warp speed! SLUSHY: Where should I warp to, Flip? Space Jack's fly through, pronto! (ROCK MUSIC) We're glad we caught you before your shift ended, Captain Paul. You're in charge of all Space Jack operations, correct? I am. Who prepares the orders, Captain? I do, we're a small team and I'm a very hooves on manager. Captain Paul, do you remember us and our order from earlier? No, we see a lot of customers here at Space Jack's. Well, do you by chance recall an order for a bag of fish sandwiches, then? Uh yeah, yeah, I believe so. And what do you recall of this order? I'm sorry? Can you detail for us the particulars of this order? Eh, uh, well I think so. Six fish sandwiches, tartar sauce on the side, and no cheese. Is that right? I have no further questions for this witness. I do, you're telling us you prepared this order yourself, Captain Paul, with no assistance from anyone else? As far as I can recall, yes, no. Which is it, yes, or no? Uh, um, uh. Answer the question! Calm down, Flip. I, uh, I, I, I... Come on, come on, spit it out. Yes, I made the sandwiches, no, nobody else helped me. Aha, I knew it! This giraffe's as guilty as his neck is long. Am I in some sort of trouble? Ohh, you have no idea, pal, no idea. I really don't. Did I do something wrong? Ah, "did I do something wrong," he asks. Were they not cooked enough, or something? I can remake them if there's... The prosecution rests its case. The prosecution, what's this all about? It's about the cheese, Captain Paul. The cheese? I didn't use cheese. Lies! I'm no lying, the order called for no cheese. And yet, you put it on anyway. Monster! I didn't! You're going down for this, big boy. Hang up that Space Jack's apron. Captain, the sandwiches in question contained melted cheese when we unwrapped them. Oh, what? (MUMBLES) That's impossible! In our line of work, Paul, the impossible has a funny way of becoming possible all the time. Listen guys, I know I didn't mess up that order. I'm a penguin, and I'm lactose intolerant. Had I eaten that sandwich, I could have perished. I, uh, I'm so sorry. It's too late for sorry, punk. Could you please calm him down? Feeling the heat, huh? Get used to it. I assure you, I'm as interested in getting to the bottom of this as you are. That's what they all say, but I won't stop until you melt like that cheese, perp. All right, th-th-this is crazy. Trying to plead insanity, aye? Nice try, but it won't work. Let me give you the benefit of the doubt, Captain. Which is more than you'll get from me, stretch. Let's get down to brass tacks. Oh come on, you two aren't even police. Bingo, creep, we're ICE penguins, the most elite birds in space. Or on Earth, for that matter, which is where we're from. And Earth creatures don't fool around, buddy. That's right, we have reality TV and cop shows. We can spot a liar a mile away. Listen to me, both of you. I promise I will do whatever I can to help you find out how cheese got onto your sandwiches. And one thing I'm sure of is that it did not happen by my hoof, you have my word on that. Hmm, I believe you. Yeah, whaddaya think, we were born yesterday, chump? Uh, wait, you believe him? Yes, I do. Captain Paul, can you keep your eyes and ears open at work, and let us know if you see or hear anything suspicious? Absolutely. If there's a saboteur on our team, I'd like to weed them out just as badly as you. Space Jack's good name depends on it. Words, it's your actions that tell the tale, pal. Right, can I go now? You'll go when we say you can go, fly boy. Yes, we're done for now, Captain. Yeah, scram. I'll contact you immediately if I note anything strange. You do that, or else. Thanks for taking the time to talk to us. We'll be in touch. Are you done acting like a lunatic? What, I was playing hardball. You were playing bad TV detective. It's all part of the schtick, Zooey. You're the good cop, I'm the bad cop. We smother him until he has no excuses, nowhere to turn, and in the spotlight of truth, his lies crumble to ash under the heat of a thousand suns! Sometimes I wonder about you. SLUSHY: You aren't the only one. Who's next? Let's grill somebody else, it's fun. Why don't we brief Captain Stella on things, and see how Flop's doing? Good idea, then we'll snag another suspect. Oh boy, are you sure you didn't eat one of those tainted sandwiches after all? Good job getting answers from the manager, you two. Anyone we can rule out at this stage only helps us narrow it down to the real culprit faster. Yeah, slowly closing in, like the righteous jaws of an inescapable vise. Is he okay? He's just eager to solve this thing, Captain. Oh, I'm relieved. I thought he ate some of that tainted fish sandwich. Naw, it's just Flip being Flip. How's Flop doing? He's, uh, er, not great. Hey Flop, how ya feeling, partner? (SLOBBERING) Keep your voice down. I saw polar bears, they're everywhere. They blend in with the snow storm, we won't see until they're on top of us. Ohh. Oh. I have someone who might be able to help us, penguins. An old colleague in the Galloping Galaxy who might be interested in helping us. Let me call him. Great, you guys lead him real easy, then I'll come over the top like a sledgehammer and lower the boom. Settle down, Flip. Justice doesn't flinch, Zooey. (DIGITAL BEEPING) Hello again, Snout, long time now see. Wow, yeah. You look good, Stella, yeah. Are those your kids? Uh, no, these penguins work for me, Snout. So, no hatchlings? Maybe some day. I've been focused on my career, I'm an ICE captain now. A captain? (CHUCKLES) Well excuse me! Hey, you know mating season's about to start in my neck of the stars? How about a vacation in the Galloping Galaxy? (SIGHS) You've been inviting me for light years, Snout. And you've been avoiding an answer for just as long, Stella. I'm going to avoid it a little while longer, if that's okay. I'm calling to ask for your help. I'm all ears, and nose, and hooves. Good to know, Snout, here's the beef. Recently, my team ordered food that was spiked with cheese. (GASPS) No, who did that? That's just it, we don't know. But one of my penguins seems to have lost his compass, and the rest of my team narrowly avoided catastrophe. Unconscionable, an attack on you penguins is an attack on the entire universe. I like your thinking, Mr. Snout. I mean, who's more peaceful an animal than us penguins, right? Right, and these cheese dealers have been exploiting my relatives for as long as these planets have been spinning in space. That's why we've come to you, Snout. I figure if it's a cheese criminal we're after, you're the best eye in the sky around. I'll help you any way I can, Captain Stella. I know everything and anything about dairy products, anywhere in this galaxy. And if we can ground another cheese dealer, all the better. I like this bull. Aw, thanks little fella. Snout, do you know of any recent cheese attacks that might link to ours? Unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't. Do you still have the cheese? Yes. Great, you can have it analyzed by experts to reveal where the cheese came from. Dairy forensics, wow. Eh, pretty much all cheese is specific to its region, and the animals who help create it. Through identifying its properties, as well as any foreign contaminants, you can possibly glean where it came from. That's sharp, Mr. Snout, we'll get right on it. Thank you, Snout, that's an excellent idea. I had a feeling you were the bull to talk to. Anytime, Captain, and I like your new title. (LAUGHS) It really suits you. I've worked hard for it. Oh, yeah? You should come to the Galloping Galaxy and relax sometime. Ha, nice try. (CHUCKLES) I always have to try. (DIGITAL BEEPING) Flip, Zooey, I'd like you to talk to that Space Jack's manager again, and find out who supplies the restaurant's cheese. We're on it, Captain. We'll contact him right away. You'll never see that manager again. I beg your pardon, Flop? The polar bears took him. His lips are forever sealed. He's not doing well. We'll find out who did this you, Flop, or my name is not Flip. (DIGITAL BEEPING) Thank you for talking with us again, Captain Paul. Yeah, if you didn't, it would look real suspicious, and you don't wanna look suspicious, do you? Captain, can you tell us who supplies Super Jack's cheese? Sure, I order from a manufacturer beyond the slip stream. They're called BBS Cheese Company. What does BBS stand for? Uhh, I don't know. Don't know, or don't wanna say? Off the top of my head, I really don't know. Off the top of your head, that some kinda giraffe joke? I'm not joking, I really don't remember. I'm sure it's on their paperwork, I can look it up. So you can alert them, aye? I think not. Keep your hooves where I can see them. All right, look, I want to help, I really do, but I think you've flipped your flippers. Any more questioning, you can contact my lawyer, Debbie Longneck, Esquire. But Captain! I'm sorry, I have to go now. Great, that's just great. Look at what your endless haranguing did, Flip. What, we got the name of the cheese company. And we lost our closest contact to Space Jack's. Space Jack's, Shmace Jack's, that giraffe knew more than he let on. He was playing dumb, taking us for suckers. What am I gonna do with you? We could go fishing on planet Freezy. SLUSHY: If I may interrupt, we have an ally on planet Freezy. We do? We do? SLUSHY: Affirmative. Who? SLUSHY: One moment while I access my planetary surveillance system. We have planetary surveillance? SLUSHY: Of course, I'm what you call a smart ship. My cameras and microphones are always active up to five light years. Whoa, big brother much? SLUSHY: I have a visual of our residential ally. Show us, Slushy. FLIP: It's Lumpy! Wow, nobody's seen him since that crab cage accident back home on planet Earth. I thought he was a goner for sure. I knew that crafty bird was alive, and if he's the same Lumpy I remember, he'll have some insight into our cheese attack. Slushy, warp speed to planet Freezy. We have an old friend to catch up with. (SHIP ZOOMS) (LAID BACK MUSIC) It's so good to see you again, Captain Stella. What blows ICE this way? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, always great to see you cutie patooties penguins. Likewise. Nuke, B-52, the ICE penguins need help. They do? Yeah, it's a long story. It's a stretchy cheese story. Cheese gives me rashes, (GRUMBLES) bad. I have some sandwiches here that need to be tested. When I thought of experts, I thought of you, B-52, the brain, and Nuke, the, uh, food addict? I'm all about food, Captain Stella, peanuts especially. But also linguine, lasagna, pizza, pasta. Teleport those sandwiches over to us, we'll get right on it. Will do, and I only need the melted cheese tested. Melted cheese? Since when did you guys eat cheese? That's just it, Nuke, we don't. A couple of my penguins went to Space Jack's fly through, and someone put cheese on all our sandwiches. (GASPS) No! Oh, dear, those savages. They really should be more careful who they hire at those places. It makes me thankful I don't imbibe organic dietary supplements. I'm thankful too (CHUCKLES). It always means more peanuts for me! (B-54 GROANS IN DISGUST) Okay, I've sent the sandwiches, guys. They should be in your teleport chamber in three, two... One, received and analyzing, Captain. Hmm, uh, oh, ehh, eh, well... Is everything all right? Do you see anything unusual? Just a, just one, one, just one moment. Right, there we are. Hmm, very interesting. I'm all ears. Correction, Nuke here is all ears. Ha ha, very funny. Stella, my proprietal breakdown of that cheese reveals the presence of cow and goat milk protein, sheep and buffalo milk fat, and uh, (MUTTERS) mouse DNA. Mouse DNA, but how? It could mean something as simple as a stray mouse getting into the curdling cheese for a little sample. While not particularly appetizing, it is understandable. I see. Can you tell me where the cheese was manufactured, B-52? Uh, uh, trace amounts of soil, and iron, oak, and uh, oh! What is it, what do you see? Titanium alloy. (GASPS) Titanium alloy? That means... This cheese was manufactured in deep space. There it is, Zooey, planet Freezy. I can't wait, I've only seen pictures of planet Freezy. It looks super fun though, for a penguin. Right, I bet Lumpy's having the time of his life. SLUSHY: There is the distinct possibility that your friend is lonely. My surveillance shows no other penguin species on the planet. Lumpy, lonely, ha! You don't know Lumpy, tell him, Zooey. Lumpy doesn't like to be around other creatures, especially his own kind. He prefers to be left alone. That's how he got caught up in that crab cage snafu awhile back. He thought taking to the high seas would get him some solitude. But he only made enemies of the commercial fishermen out there. SLUSHY: If I may ask, how did your friend run afoul of commercial fishermen? He beaned them in their heads with fish anytime they showed their faces on deck. SLUSHY: I see. He's not the most social penguin you'll ever meet. Hey, think he'll remember us? It's been awhile. Dunno, if not, we might be in for trouble. Maybe we should wear helmets. Not a bad idea. Slushy, do we have any protective headgear on board? SLUSHY: Regrettably, no. Perhaps you should remain in the cockpit and engage this penguin through our two way screens. Nah, I'm not afraid of Lumpy. Once he sees who we are, everything will be fine. What about before he sees who we are? Well, he might throw something at Slushy. SLUSHY: My goodness, shall I activate our force fields? We have force fields, too? Who trained you? You got training? Unbelievable. Hang on, we're about to touch down. (RELAXING MUSIC) Brr, sure is cold down here. Makes me miss our comfy, cozy outer space. It is called planet Freezy, Flip, what did you expect? Oh I don't know, a hot chocolate stand or three would be nice. ZOOEY: But you're a penguin, for birds' sake. Space life has made you soft. FLIP: Whatever, six month's in Slushy's climate control made me see how rough we had it before. Rough, you don't know what rough is, fluff ball. Huh, you got a feather in your throat or something? Not me, him. FLIP: Lumpy! What have we here, couple of softies? Lumpy, it's us, Flip and Zooey. Mmm, from the insurance investigator's office? (LUMPY SPUTTERS) I knew Burton wouldn't last. He wore snow shoes, for cryin' out loud. (CHUCKLES) The wimp. No, Lumpy, we're with the ICE penguins. Your old team, remember? (GRUNTS) A new company, huh? Well, you'll fail just like the rest, 'cause there's nothing to find. For the last time, I didn't burn down no igloo. Do I look like I wanna warm things up around here? You look like the Lumpy we remember. You look good. They let quails investigate insurance fraud now, huh? What, who's a quail? I'm a penguin, just like you. Yeah, tell me another one, Miss Partridge. I was just about to go ice fishing, so if you don't have anything important to discuss, kindly step aside. But Lumpy, we do have something important to discuss. Oh yeah? 'Cause just like those goofs who came before you, you look like you don't stray too far from your brochure talking points. Listen up, penguin. We're your friends from planet Earth. You deep sea dove with us off the coast of Antarctica, you led us in a choreographed display for 50,000 king penguins oh Paulet Island, you single handedly toppled the emperor in Iceland. I remember that, he was preening and I pantsed him. (LAUGHS) He fell right over! That was funny. So you do remember us? You, no, all you penguins look the same. That's one reason I had to get away from you, and find myself. Pack animals, blech! But you remember the event Zooey mentioned, so you know we were there. Can you just take our word for it and play ball? Play ball, eh, seals play ball, squirt. It's a figure of speech, I just... Lumpy, you may not remember him, or care, but Bondo's doing very well for himself. He's second in command, and will probably be ICE captain one day. Bondo, my brother? The one and only. Second in command, that's incredible! The last time I saw Bondo he was doing belly flops on beached whales, (LAUGHS) and filming it for the internet! He's come a long way. Hey, uh, is the internet still a thing? Yeah, it's still a thing, Lumpy. I've been outta the loop for awhile, I guess. You can say that again. Why would I repeat myself? Are your ears waterlogged? No, it's another figure of speech. I think we've proven ourselves, Lumpy. So let me cut to the chase. Cheese, you must be crazy. Lactose is too hard for birds to digest, (GRUNTS) especially quails. (ZOOEY GRUNTS) I can't speak for quails, Lumpy, but... Well, you've got one standing right next to you. Eh, my point is, the cheese wasn't supposed to be on our sandwiches. It was added on purpose, by someone who deliberately disregarded our order. Swines! You think space pigs are behind it? Listen to me, all of you. I recently received a package addressed directly to me. All the way out here? Planet Freezy has mail service? We have one little alien who delivers once a week. I feel bad for him, but he really should toughen up or find other work, you know? Anyway, my point is, I received a package with no return address. I expected it to be the new virtual reality headset I ordered from iPay, but it wasn't. What was it? It was a brick of cheese. Three tons of it! Three tons? I don't know, I never learned weights or measurements. It was a lot! Enough to put me two feet under, if I'd eaten it. Two feet, that's a shallow grave. Again, I'm not real clear on measurements, but as a rule, you don't need to be buried very deep on planet Freezy. The ground is frozen solid like year round. Did you ever find who sent the cheese, Lumpy? No, I have no idea, but one thing's for certain. It was a declaration of war, plain and simple. War, but everyone loses in a war. Who in the universe would want to start a galactic war? That's the question to ask, squirt. Who would want war? Answer that and you'll likely have your culprit. Are you sure it wasn't just a bad gift? Giving a bird cheese is akin to finding a wrapped fish on your doorstep, or a horse taking a nap in your bed. It's a message! And it means nothing good. Egads! Could you glean any clues at all from that package? Any hints where it came from? Familiar handwriting? Uh, that handwriting was chicken scratch. A chicken, that makes sense! Chickens have always hated us penguins. They're just bitter because they're always on the menu. Quail's a delicacy on some planets. Sucks to be quail then. Why don't you go find one and tell them about it? Listen, I think we need to find ourselves a chicken and ask some hard questions. I agree. Does that mean you're leaving? Yeah. Thank goodness. I know I'm a charming and fascinating animal, but I really don't like company. I just wanna be left alone, does that make sense? Perfect sense, thanks for the info, Lumpy. We'll tell Bondo you said hi. Oh no, don't do that. He might try to contact me or, or, or worse yet, visit! Let's just forget this whole thing ever happened. If that's the way you want it. It is. Now, beat it! We're going, we're going! And don't come back. Don't worry, we won't. Good riddance! ZOOEY: Bah! Same old Lumpy. (SHIP ZOOMS) Well, that was interesting. You can say that again. What, are your ears waterlogged? (BOTH LAUGHING) SLUSHY: I'm reading sarcasm in your vocal delivery, but have no reference point from which to properly decipher it. Correcto mundo, Slushy. SLUSHY: Filing correcto mundo in my data banks for analyzation. Go for it, buddy. How's everybody holding up, Captain? Flip, Zooey, I'm afraid Flop is not doing too well. He's losing his grip on space reality. Carnivores, they're everywhere! Keep your heads down, penguins. Okay, okay, Flop, I'm staying low. Captain, get down. Right. (SIGHS) Polar bears are the largest meat eaters around, and us penguins are second only to the seals when it comes to being plump and tasty. Got it, Flop, we'll do what you say, buddy. I don't know about you, I don't plan to fall prey to these beasts. Good idea, Flop, we'll just stick together and get through this. That's what penguins do, we stick together. We're a team! A well oiled machine, an army, strength in numbers. (STELLA SIGHS) We must find the culprit for Flop's delirium. Hey, planet Squawkis is just up ahead. Maybe we should stop by. Its chicken population is exploding. Good idea, take us down, Slushy. SLUSHY: I respectfully advise against a ground landing, Zooey. There appears to be no area free from droppings. Unless you're unconcerned with slogging through bird dung. Ohh. Well, since you put it like that, just breach their atmosphere and find us a chicken who's willing to talk. SLUSHY: That's a much better idea. Descending and scanning the available populous now. I bet there's no chicken on the menus here. Right, hopefully they don't have penguin kebabs. Yikes! (DIGITAL BEEPING) Hey look, here we go. Girl talk, I'll handle this. Greetings, miss. We come in peace. I'm not miss, I'm Meg. A dozen for six space bucks, or two dozen for 10 space bucks. Excuse me? Eggs, you want a dozen or two? Oh, we're not here for eggs. We just have some questions for you, if you have a moment. Uh, three space bucks for one question. Add a space buck for each additional question. What, that's highway robbery! We don't have highways here. There are no vehicles, we walk or fly short distances. SLUSHY: Hence the abundance of ground excrement. How many space bucks do we have left? Uh, three, we spent almost everything we had on those blasted sandwiches. Okay, that'll buy us one question for this chicken. We have to make it count. SLUSHY: My self aware AI can tally all possible queries and potential responses and choose the most pertinent option from this list, if you direct me to do so. Go for it my, uh, machine. (HIGH PITCHED DIGITAL BEEPS) SLUSHY: Meg, can you direct us to any being you know to be involved in an intergalactic underground cheese market? Not personally, no. But my friend Tony deals with a shady cheese man who's usually up to no good. Great, where can we find Tony? That'll be one space buck. SLUSHY: Meg, since Tony's name is useless to us without his location, do you think you could provide that crucial missing detail free of charge? Free of charge? Well I never! SLUSHY: Pretty please? Oh, okay. Tony lives on planet Hoppis. Oh, and he's a bunny rabbit. Thank you so much, Meg. You've been a tremendous help. Ah, you can drop three space bucks whenever you're ready. SLUSHY: Releasing payment now. Shall I proceed to planet Hoppis? Hit it, Slushy. SLUSHY: Hit what? Ugh, nevermind. Proceed to planet Hoppis. SLUSHY: Proceeding. (SHIP ZOOMS) Here we are. Whoa, planet Hoppis is overgrown. We shoulda brought a weed wacker. Slushy, we can't see through all the weeds, can you? Yes, Flip. My x-ray vision can detect fine movements up to five light years. (CHUCKLES) This guy. Let us know if you spot anyone who might be our Tony. SLUSHY: With all due respect, Zooey, I have a better idea. Oh, okay. SLUSHY: Attention, Tony the rabbit. This is the intergalactic ICE defender ship, Slushy. Come out with your paws up. Whoa. (GRUMBLES) I'm cool, I'm cool. Relax Tony, we just wanna ask some questions. Yeah, you can lower your paws. Whew, I was afraid you guys were space police. We're ICE. Sorry our ship came on kinda strong. His AI gets carried away sometimes. SLUSHY: Please accept my apologies, Tony. Wow, that's one polite space ship. SLUSHY: Thank you. My formal manners are assembled from exceptional programming content estimated beyond that of the average 28 year old human. Really, Slushy? You should teach English classes or something. SLUSHY: I do teach etiquette classes the first Sunday of every technovia calendar month. Cool. Tony, we understand you have a contact in the cheese underworld. I got lots of contacts, you'll have to be more specific. A chicken named Meg told us your buddies with a cheese man, so to speak. I might know a cheese man. (LAUGHS) I like cheese, so I gotta make sure I get mine, you know? Planet Hoppis doesn't exactly have a booming cheese trade. We understand, Tony, and we're definitely not looking to hurt your cheese connections. But someone attempted to poison our fleet with melted cheese on our sandwiches, and we're trying to find out who it was. And stop them from doing it to other unsuspecting creatures. Someone served cheese to a bunch of penguins? That's messed up. Tell me about it, our colleague, Flop, ate two whole sandwiches, and he's still feeling the effects. Bummer. Where'd you get the cheese? Funny, we were going to ask you the same thing. Well, I'll tell you what. You can meet my cheese man if I can have the rest of your cheesy sandwiches. FLIP AND ZOOEY: Deal. Right on! SLUSHY: I feel the need to point out that said cheese has been sitting at spacecraft temperature for longer than the recommended unrefrigerated period. That's fine by me, officer. I have a grill, microwave, pepper, and sea salt. I'll spruce 'em up like new. SLUSHY: That sounds like adequate preparation. Delivering the remaining sandwiches now. Mmm, mmm. I'm gonna add relish and they're gonna be delish! Nice, now let's talk about meeting that cheese man. So this rabbit, Tony, set up a meeting between us and his cheese connection. FLIP: Who's name we don't know. But who Tony assures us will show up. To offer us some cheese. And you believe this will be the same cheese we found on our fish sandwiches? We think so, we think so. We hope so. What if it's not? We'll at least be able to dock another cheese merchant. Right, we need to get this dangerous cheese off space. Cheese is not illegal in space, Captain. Well, it should be. Cheese causes flatulence and upset stomach in birds. If it causes flatulence, Flip and Zooey should be able to smell this cheese man coming a light year away. Gross! Either way, this is our best and only lead. You two have done a great job. Don't forget about Slushy, he came up big with the chicken. The chicken? Long story. You know who would have helped us a ton if he were still here? Lumpy. Boy, he sure would have. Yeah, well. (MOANS) Maybe he'll show back up one day. Yeah. Probably not. Definitely not. Hey, you never know. All right, it's time to show the galaxy why we're the elite birds of space. Time to fly, ICE penguins. Yeah! Yeah. Flip, Zooey, you take Slushy to the meeting. We'll be following at a distance. Our Space Guardian friends will be on standby, in case the cheese man runs. The deck is stacked, now we just have to play our hands. We're ready, Captain. Let's do this! Yeah! (FLOP CHUCKLES) When we get to Nebula 10, Slushy, let's redirect eastward. Since their sun's to the west, I don't want us to go warp speeding into it if things get crazy. SLUSHY: Duly noted, Zooey. Slushy, have you ever apprehended a perp before? SLUSHY: Perp, eh, I'm not familiar with your terminology. Have you ever caught a bad guy? SLUSHY: Considering that a committed bad is entirely relative to a performed good, I cannot say for certain. I hate it when he gets literal. Me, too. SLUSHY: I don't mean to stoke the fires of your hatred, but my radars have detected a foreign ship approaching at warp speed, directly from the north. Warp speed from the north? Who warp speeds straight down? Someone setting a... SLUSHY: Trap! (LASERS BLASTING) Whoa, we're hit! We're under attack! SLUSHY: Force fields activated. (LASERS BLASTING) Our penguins are being attacked, we have to save them! Space Guardians, come in. We're on our way, Captain Stella. Without a doubt, that's the worst customer service I've ever seen in my life. Ready the cannons, Commander, we're going in. Who runs a flight crew like this? Madness! Bondo, warp speed intercept. Put us between Slushy and the attacker. Our thrusters are down, Captain. What do you mean, our thrusters are down? I disabled the engines 'cause they made so much noise they were gonna wake the polar bears. Flop, no! We can't help Flip and Zooey. (LASERS BLASTING) SLUSHY: Western force fields have been damaged, eastern force fields are down. Can we withstand this attack, Slushy? Where's our backup? Hang tight, penguins, we're on our way. Please, hurry! Why is he attacking us? We were just supposed to try some cheese. SLUSHY: It's very likely that informant rabbit tipped him off, as they say. Fishsticks, you can't trust anyone in the space underbelly. SLUSHY: Duh! Did he just duh me? Nuke, B-52, our penguins are under assault, and our ship is disabled. I need all backup to move in at once. We're on our way, Captain. Don't worry, we'll save your carbon bases. Hurry, B-52. (LASERS BLASTING) Did you fire back, Zooey? No, I thought you did. SLUSHY: I did, I am autonomous in my self defense capabilities. Well then, fire away, Slushy. (INTENSE MUSIC) Oh no, Commander Ham Sanders, look, we know that ship! We do, indeed, Private Squeak. It's uh, uh, uh the mail ship. What, uh no, look closer, Commander. Right, oh, it's, uh, it's the ice cream ship. What do you care about ice cream? Exactly, blast it down. Ready the cannons, we'll show them rocky road! Hang tight, Commander, we're joining the fight. That's the warrior spirit, Private, charge! How we doing, Slushy? Considering we are still in one piece, I'd say we're doing well. (EXPLOSION BOOMS) That sounded bad. What was that? SLUSHY: I regret to inform you that we are no longer in one piece. That's bad. SLUSHY: Technically, yes, quite bad. (LASERS BLASTING) Slushy, Slushy? Why did we stop firing? SLUSHY: My cannons have been damaged beyond repair, Zooey, as have my boosters, thrusters, and reserve tanks. I'm sorry to report we are disabled. We're sitting ducks, we're gonna... No, Flip, don't talk like that. We're penguins, ICE penguins, the space elite. We never surrender, we never say that one word. What word? You know, that word. No, I, which? Never say that! Cheese? SLUSHY: I believe the missing word Zooey alludes to is... (BOO BOO SQUEAL LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Who is that? I am Boo Boo Squeal, penguin, leader of the dreaded Micecide, the most feared and revered mouse in the entire galaxy. I've never heard of you. Have you heard of him? Uh-uh. What'd you say your name was, again? It's Boo Boo, ugh, enough. You can call me victor, and to the victor go the spoils. Good thing your penguins are in your formal wear, because you're about to meet your maker. (LAUGHS) Oh, that's a good one. (CHUCKLES) Why thank you, bird. Oh, penguin, oh, gosh, I love penguins! They're squishy, fluffy, adorable penguins. Must we hurt them, Boo Boo? They're so, (MUMBLES) cute! Yes, you silly pachyderm, we must. I hate penguins, and I especially ICE penguins. So you're the cheese man? Indeed I am. A mouse, that makes sense. And was it you who spiked our sandwiches? Yes, (LAUGHS) it was me. But why? Why not? You penguins act like you own space. You fly around with no regard for any creature that doesn't belong to your clique. You're penguins, you're not even supposed to fly. You're just like you were on Earth, interminable, insufferable, inexcusable, and too cute for your own good. Blech! And you smell funny! So your answer's to try and make us sick. Yes, as a mouse, I can slip in and out of any place undetected (LAUGHS), especially a dump like Space Jack's with their stupid menu options. I believe every creature should enjoy a diet of glorious cheese, galaxy wide. And you penguins turn up your beaks at such wonderful food? Snobs! But we're birds, our digestive systems can't handle cheese. That doesn't mean we can't be your friends. Friend, yes, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna. You, can we cuddle now? Can I just pinch those cute little yummy faces? Aww, I love cuddling. Friends shmends. I have Chubby, he's the only friend I need. Aww, Boo Boo, I never knew you felt that way. Eh, shut up, Chubby, I'm not done. Yes, Boo Boo. Why would I want to befriend you birds when I can just as easily destroy you? Because friendship, not fighting, makes the world go round. Which world? Look around, pick one. I'll be sure to bast you right to it. (CHUCKLES) SLUSHY: My censors indicate this mouse has his cannons trained on us for a final strike. We can neither flee nor defend ourselves. The only remaining options are to await his assault, or... Or what, Slushy? SLUSHY: Or activate my Run Scared option. Oh, we have a Run Scared option? SLUSHY: Yes, while it was not installed as part of my original hardware, a self actualizing artificial intelligence system that absorbs the traits and functions of its organic creators, who, in turn, created it in their own image, will develop this option on its own, as I have. Whoa. You're obviously capable of making your own decisions, Slushy, but before you do anything, let me say this. We ICE penguins don't retreat, don't back down, and we don't settle for anything less than what's right. And if there's a challenge, we accept it. If there's an obstacle, we clear it. If there's a threat, we overcome it, and if there's a fight, we win it, or we go down swinging. We've never given up in our lives, Slushy. And I know you haven't been with us for that long, but that's who we are. We're space penguins, going where no penguin has gone before, upholding peace and order in the universe. And there's no way to predict the future, but I know one thing. We penguins will leave outer space better than we found it. That's a space penguin promise. Wow, you're my hero, Zooey. SLUSHY: And mine, too. If my words caused you to question my commitment, rest assured, I'm a space penguin, too. How touching! I think I'm gonna be ill. Do you need to lie down, Boo Boo? Ugh, for the last time, Chubby, shut up! Now that you're done with your endless self serving bird blathering, prepare to... Hi! The Guardians have joined the fight. Sorry we're late. Yes, the elephant and the robot, too. Polar bears use camouflage. They could be anywhere! Yay! Yay! SLUSHY: Positive verbal exclamation. Boo Boo, we're surrounded. What? I'm Boo Boo Squeal, nobody put's Boo Boo Squeal in a corner. We have no room to retreat! Who said anything about retreat? Blast our way out! SLUSHY: Flip, Zooey, I do have one trick up my proverbial sleeve left. You know, you're really picking up on the lingo, Slushy. SLUSHY: Lingo does not compute. Uh, it will, give it a light year or so. Go for it, Slush, we trust you. Fire, Chubby, fire! (CHUBBY AND BOO BOO YELLING) They did it, Captain, they won. We did it, Bondo. We stuck together like penguins do, and defeated the enemy. (BURPS) Excuse me. Flop, are you okay? (SIGHS) I think so. Where are we? NUKE: Way to go, penguins. Splendid work, avians. Now that's how you handle bad customer service. (LAUGHS) Wow, you guys hardly needed us as well. Good job, penguins. Thank you so much for coming to back us up, you guys. A space penguin did save the say, and we'd like to introduce you all to him now. Everyone, meet Slushy, the newest member of our ICE penguin team. SLUSHY: 'Sup, peeps? Where in the galaxy did you learn that, Slushy? SLUSHY: I've been trying to brush up on my slang, Zooey. I'd like to be hipper, and the hip hop stations are really helpful. ZOOEY AND FLIP: Whoa! Oh, snap! Say, is anyone hungry? ZOOEY: I could eat. FLIP: Me, too. SQUEAK: Me, three. BONDO: Me, four. STELLA: How about we rendezvous for dinner, space heroes? ZOOEY: Sounds great, where should we meet, Captain? Space Jack's? FLIP: Uh. FLOP: Eh, can we hold the cheese? (EVERYONE LAUGHING) SLUSHY: Word. We're dancing in the streets There's nothing left to eat We're on a winning streak Going out in style Whoa oh, oh, oh oh oh Whoa oh, oh, oh oh oh Whoa oh, oh, oh oh oh What goes wild, woo Yeah I hear ya I'm not dead yet, yeah I am Yeah Break out the hand grenades You know it's time to play Explosions to the brain Going out in style Whoa oh, oh, oh oh oh Whoa oh, oh, oh oh oh |
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