Cleaver: She's going,
"I can't, I can't"
I'm like, "Come on,
Patty, why not?"
And then she says,
"Because my teeth are jagged"
What a fuckin' freak,
can you believe that shit?
What was she doing down there
if she wasn't going to put it in?
Hey, Miles
Miles: Gentlemen, I have just
enjoyed my first threesome
Various:
Ooh's and Aaah's
Whoo!
Are these the Quinn twins?
You son of a bitch, you got double teamed
by the fabulous Quinn twins
Dude, you been
on such a wicked tear lately, man
Weren't you with that blonde
fuckin' hottie just last week?
That's right, Tommy
Debbie Zimmerman
Wasn't her box
completely shaved?
He likes the clean biscuit
Miles:
You don't mind it either
Tommy: What about that freaky-ass chick
from a couple weeks ago?
- Anita Kahn
- Anita Kahn
She had a stellar body
Cleaver: Gave you all three
inputs if I recall
Nothin' wrong with a little
mud on the old helmet
Cleaver:
Miles, Anita Kahn
Is that Kahn
as in James Caan,
or Kahn as in wrath of?
Wrath of, why?
Well, Quinn, Zimmerman, Kahn
The "Q","Z", and the "K",
those gotta be the most difficult letters
in the whole alphabet Right?
I guess
Look, I gotta get this down on paper,
while it's still fresh
I'll see you strugglers later
You still keep a record
of every chick he bangs?
Oh yeah, bangs,
hummers, hand jobs, ass play,
you name it
It's all in the journals
Fuck, dude, how does he do it?
Some guys
they're just born with it
And the rest of us well, we have to
wait around for the jagged tooth retards
Adios, ladies
Hey, don't lock me out again
Cleaver:
Fuck off!
Miles:
Oh Ben, I'm sorry
Nice! Snappin' one off, are we?
Leave him alone!
Big deal, like he's the only one
that's beatin' his eggs in this place?
It is a big deal to him
All right?
He's not like you, thank God
He's shy
Cleaver: And is that
my fuckin' problem? Come on, Miles
That fuckin' pussy has gotta start acting
like one of the guys sooner or later
Miles: Yeah, I know, but just don't
bust his balls when he comes back
Yes, Mom
Can I see the picture again?
Are you going to bust his balls?
No No!
Don't lick it!
CMFU, Campus Radio
Cleaver: In less than a month,
you railed a "Q", a "Z" and a "K"
I still can't get over that
Miles:
Yup
You know with those
letters out of the way,
you could probably hoink the entire alphabet
before you graduate
I mean, If you haven't already
Who was before the Kahn?
Let's see what
the good book has to say
We had Tanya Anderson,
Debbie Spinoza;
before that we had
Marcia Springer and Sue
HmmSue, uh Sutinsky
I gotta write slower,
but it definitely starts with an "S"
Okay, so that's like three "S"s
Okay what a waste
Who would have thought
the "S"s were such sluts
Hmm
Why don't you do it, man?
Why don't you do
the entire alphabet?
Fuck off!
No, no, just listen, listen
Using your books, and some of
those pictures that you've taken,
we figure out which letters
you've already gotten since, like, first semester
Then we figure out which letters
you have to get before you graduate,
I don't know, to make it complete
And what for?
Because we could parlay
a poontang quest like this
into some major coin,
that's what for
You mean actually
take bets on this?
Hell yeah
You know,
don't take this the wrong way,
but I don't think I want to get involved
in any of your gimmicks
Fuck, Miles!
Is it the battery?
It's the battery
Do you know
what you're doing?
I like to think so
Here, hand me that file
Thanks
Here, try that,
that should work
Try that, that should work
You should really get
the battery replaced
Yeah, I've been told
I should get the battery
replaced
Thanks
Cleaver: Now, there are two months left
before Miles graduates,
and according to his diaries,
these are the letters he's already gotten
And these are the ten letters
he has yet to get
Now there will be an overall bet
whether he completes the whole alphabet or not
Those are 30 to 1 odds,
as well as side bets
for each individual letter
The tougher the letter,
the greater the odds
Who decides
which are the tough letters?
Common sense does
Okay, names starting
with "M"s and "N"s,
they're a lot more common
than those starting with "U"s and "V"s,
so "U"s and "V"s
would be the tougher letters
And let us not forget the
mother of all tough letters,
the dreaded "X"
I think it'd be impossible to meet an "X",
let alone fuck one,
so the odds on the "X"
are already 10 to 1
Am I going too fast
for anyone here?
Big Eddie:
If you're serious,
I definitely want in on this action
Cleaver:
I'm glad to hear that, but, uh
there's just one, teeny,
weenie little setback
What's that?
Miles ain't exactly agreed
to do this yet
Okay, let me get this straight
You want me to carry a camera
with me at all times,
no matter where I go,
find girls whose last names
start with specific letters of the alphabet,
have sex with them,
and either talk them into
letting me take their picture,
or if they're not into it
wait around till
they've fallen asleep,
then very quietly take a picture of them
without waking them up,
and then bring the picture back here
as proof for you strugglers
Yeah, is that going
to be a problem for you?
No, I just wanted to
make sure I got it straight
I can't believe I'm
actually witnessing this
Hey, even if you ain't bettin',
Mr Nice guy,
you gotta keep your mouth shut
Ben:
Says who?
Big Eddie:
Says me, bitch
All right, gentlemen,
let the games begin!
# When I walked the hot ass fucks
# And they go all the way
# When I talk the chicks all gawk
# 'Cause they just wanna play
# As for me
# It's all about quality
# Easily
# I'll do 'em from "A" to "Z"
# When skirts drop I open shop
# And night turns into day
# Four feet under my sheets...
Miles:
Gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce you
to someone
The "O"
Any way you look at it,
it's still an "O"
Got 'em Got 'em
Need 'em Got 'em
Need 'em Got 'em
Got 'em Got 'em
Need 'em
# Do them from "A" to "Z"
# Line 'em up
# I'll shoot them down
# One by one
# They'll go downtown
# yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
# As for me
# It's all about quality
# Easily
# I'll do 'em from "A" to "Z"
# As for me
# It's all about quality
# Easily
Miles:
In all the letters,
this is going to be the bitch
of the bunch
So, let me see
if I got these names right
- You're Tiffany Smith, right?
- Yep
And your friend here
is Michelle Noonan?
- Noonan, yeah
- Michelle Noonan?
Now that's not with a "G"
or a "P" or anything, is it?
No! It's "N", for Noonan
"N" for Noonan
Miles:
Need 'em Got em Got em
Need 'em Got 'em Got 'em
Time
Man: Don't forget, everyone,
Friday's tutorial is cancelled
Please read chapters 9 through 11,
they will be on the test
Excuse me?
Yes?
Um I was just wondering if, uh
if you knew
if we had a tutorial on Friday
No, the prof said it was cancelled
Oh, that's right, he did, didn't he?
Oh, I'm Ben
Gabrielle Nice to meet you, Ben
Oh wait! I think you forgot your book!
Man on TV: It's guaranteed
to put the fire back in your firearm!
Sergeant Rock-Dick gives you
a major woody in your private parts.
Miles:
That was a complete waste of sweat
Not one decent piece of tail
in the entire gym
Cleaver:
Oh, I'm sorry, brother
Guess what?
I made new charts
Miles:
Yeah, you're missing the "P"
What?
Miles: The "P"
Yeah, I railed her a while back
She was between the "C"
and the "I"
What the hell is that?
That is a wicked shit
I took while you were in class
I thought you might
want to see it
That's disgusting
There she is The "P"
She's been hounding me
ever since
Oh, send that nag my way,
I'll do her silly
She ain't worth the hassle
Pass me a highlighter
- Here you go
- Thanks
So, any new prospects?
Miles:
I'm seeing an "N" tonight
- Nice
- Yeah
"N" being for Whoa!
Chewbacca,
what's with all the fur?
What are you talking about?
Cleaver:
Uh, your pubes man,
Don't you trim 'em up?
Ben:
No
Well, you should, sasquatch
Why the hell would I do that?
Aside from the obvious,
because chicks dig it, that's why
You're nuts
What do you need all
that extra padding down there for, anyways?
Oh, I forgot,
excessive masturbation
Fuck off, Cleaver!
Fuck off, Cleaver!
Miles, does he always
have to be here?
Miles, does he always
have to be here?
Look if you're so in fuckin' love with him
why don't you move in?
Hey!
Cleaver: Fuck, I'm just trying
to help the guyout, okay?
Fine, you tell him, because Chia-dick here
thinks it's still 1979
In his disturbed way,
Cleaver does have a point, Benny
I mean,
all the guys are trimming it up
Girls have been doing it forever
and now they expect the favour to be returned
Nah, you guys you guys
are just fucking with me,
you want me you want me
to shave down there
so that you can tell all the guys
and they'll make fun of me
Something's gonna begin...
Cleaver:
Loose now, motherfucker!
Jesus!
Cleaver:
What?
My pouch, look how smooth it is,
It's nice, right?
It looks like raw turkey
Oh, it fuckin' does
Ben:
You're sick!
Cleaver:
Oh, I'm sick
Okay, If a chick's going
to lick a ball sack,
do you think she's going
to like this
or your fucking bird's nest?
Ben: This is by far the gayest
fucking day of my life
Okay, it's not gay,
Benji, it's physics
Come on, Benny,
a confident hetero shouldn't be afraid
to whip out the old yam bag to prove a point
Does part of being a confident hetero
mean you have to sleep with
Uh, I'm just trying to help
you out Fuck
Oh my God, look at
the water spots all over my glass
You know, Michelle, if you
want to go somewhere else we can just
No, it's okay
I'm sure it's clean
It's spotty, but clean
Waiter:
Is this a better table?
Mmm
May I take your drink order?
Michelle?
I'll have a white wine spritzer
Oh, with Sprite, not soda
Sprite
A glass of your house red, please
Red wine?
That's so gross,
it totally stains your teeth
Michelle:
Can we order dinner now?
Of course
Miles, you go first,
I'm still looking at the menu
Ah, okay Um
Yeah, I'll have
the Porterhouse, medium,
with a loaded baked potato
Great
You eat meat?
How can you do that
to those poor, furry little animals?
I ordered a steak, it's
cows aren't furry or little
You better watch yourself
What goes around
comes around
You may be reincarnated as a cow
With some big oaf
sticking a fork into you
And for the lady?
Oh, I'll have the tuna fillet
and your house salad
Oh, with the dressing on the side
Back with your drinks
Uh, I don't get it
You don't eat meat
but you ordered a tuna steak
I didn't order a tuna steak,
I ordered a tuna fillet
Okay, but, my point
Michelle:
And tuna's not meat
I have a very clear rule
I never eat anything with faces
And fish don't have faces
Only profiles
Thank you
Ugh
So, what's the story
with that car of yours?
What's wrong with my car?
It's a relic!
It's a classic
A Porsche is a classic
Yours is a fossil
When we were driving here I felt like
I was driving to church with my grandpa
Okay, that's enough
All right?
I can't take any more
of your constant complaining
I don't have to take this from an "N"
I could throw a bun
and hit another "N"
Maybe if you were an "X" or a "U"
But an "N"?
You've got to be kidding me
Take a cab home,
if you can find one you like
And I'm taking this
Wendy, hey! What a surprise
What are you doing here?
Well, um
I just haven't
heard from you in a while
I called a couple times
but I guess you've been pretty busy
Yeah, I've, uh I've been
a little preoccupied, you could say
I guess
Well here, I, uh
I baked you a pie
- A pie?
- Yeah
Wow, wow, that's swell
It's a peach pie, so "P" could be
for peach, or for Peterson, right?
"P" for Peterson
Yes, sir
Uh, you shouldn't have
I wanted to
Hey, you want to go maybe
grab a coffee or something?
Well, you know,
I'm, uh I'm pretty bagged,
and, uh, I've already had
a pretty rough night, so
Well, if it's something
you want to talk about
Not really No, thanks though
Okay, um
Well good night?
Yeah, yeah, good night
I mean, pie Wow
Peach pie
I'll give you call later,
see how you liked the
Pie
Did you know you have no face?
That's right,
you only have profiles
Not only that, I got a psycho Betty Crocker
hanging outside my room
Well I'm telling you buddy, for a lunatic,
she makes a kick-ass pie
I just hope
she didn't poison it
Where's Benny?
Oh, I think
he's at the pub with the guys
Fuck it, it's early,
I still may be able to grab a stat
You coming?
Cleaver: Yeah, I don't mind
getting my horn scraped tonight
Miles:
Roadie?
Cleaver:
Don't mind if I do
Cleaver:
Your camera
Oh, thanks
Oh shit, the "P's" back!
Fuck! No
You should've seen
the look on your face
This is my shit
I am so getting some pussy!
All I ask is that
you don't get anything on that shirt
I'm not going to get
anything on your shirt
Miles:
Where's the crew?
Lot of nice talent here tonight, ah?
Not too shabby
Next pitcher's on me
How you doin'
Ben Chia-dick
Hi, I'm Miles
Hi, Rebecca
Nice to meet you, Rebecca
Nice to meet you
You got a last name, Rebecca?
Stenson
Sorry?
- Stenson
- Barmaid: $1250
That's a shame
Oh Hey, Miles, how about that girl
over there with the big breasts?
Whoa, check out
the crazy funbags on that chick!
That's nice
Those are so mine
Those are so fuckin' yours
No, I was pointing her out
for Miles!
No, I was pointing her out
for Miles Grow up, fuck
Dude, dude, dude,
check it out
That's the girl that fixed my car
No, you don't want her, Miles,
you know what they say:
"Good from far is far from good", right?
I've seen her up close, Benny
She's good
She's real good
So, what you doin' here, hero?
You finished three pumpin'
the "N" yet?
You guys done strugglin'
on the dance floor yet?
It's the fuckin' "P"
Great
Cleaver:
So what are you going to do?
Miles: It's the "P", man,
I can't get rid of the fuckin' "P"
Probably should get
your prostate checked
Thanks, I'll look into that,
Doogie Jackass
God, I mean,
first the "N's" a bust,
then I've got this psycho
baking me a pie?
Miles: And those strugglers
are bustin' my balls
Busting my balls
Take a pill man,
relax, all right?
Whatever, but I can't face that P-sycho
twice in one night
Okay, well,
you're going to have to go solo,
because I'm staying right here
and hitting on that girl with the great big boobs
All right Well, come by the bomb shelter
after you strike out
That's not funny!
Jerk
How you doin'?
Huh? Huh?
Hey, Ben!
Ben!
Ben!
Why don't you take your fucking balls
out of your purse and go talk to her?
So what do you
call the other one?
Huh?
This doesn't have
your phone number on it
Hi, remember me?
Gabrielle:
It's Ben, right? From Ethics?
Yeah!
Gabrielle:
Do you want to sit down?
Sure, if you don't mind
I'm going to walk around for a bit
Bye
It was nice meeting you
So, how about that test
we got on Friday?
I know, I'm going to be at the library
for a week for that one
Hey, Cleaver
Hey, Benji
Why are you looking like the cat
that just got his dick sucked?
Did you fucking talk to that girl?
Yeah, I talked to her
- Fuck outta here Really?
- Seriously
Fuck Nice!
You talk, uh, to big guns yet?
Uhh Check it out
I take it you're in
I'm so fuckin' in
Ben:
Sergeant Rock-Dick?
Cleaver, what's this?
Oh, that is thunder in a pill,
my flaccid friend
You see, Benji, you only get one chance
to make a first impression,
and I am going to make mine
a lasting one
Shit, Cleaver, is that safe?
Not for her
Cleaver:
So you live here alone, or?
Woman:
No
Cleaver:
So you got a roommate?
Woman:
Yeah, I got a roommate
Cleaver:
Guy or girl?
- It's a girl
- Yeah?
You know, you really
didn't have to walk me back
Hey, no, no that's okay,
'cause, you know, there's a lot of
dicks around here So
Yeah, there is a lot
of dicks around here
- Yeah
- Well anyway, this is it, so
- This is it, huh?
- Yeah, I'll see you around, okay?
Vikki, um
Can I can I come in
for a drink or something?
It's really late
I have to get up early tomorrow Yeah
Oh, uh, okay
No, I really don't want to be so blunt
- But uh
- Hmm?
You're about to waste a perfectly good
diamond cutter here, babe
That is disgusting
It's not disgusting,
It's physics
Fuck! Fuck!
Can I call you tomorrow?
Vik?
Hey!
- Cleaver: Hey!
- Having a good time tonight?
Things are looking up
I like your shirt
Well, it likes you
Really?
Really
Looks like somebody's
had enough to drink, huh?
Never enough
I've got lots to drink at my place
Really?
You coming?
Oh, fuck yeah, I'm coming
Those are interesting pants
Can you show me
how they come off?
Cleaver: You know, I gotta say,
I love what you did with the place
Girl: Oh yeah? Oh!
- Oh shit
- Oh!
I spilled on you know what?
I think we're going to have to get this shirt off
Yeah? Oh!
Ohh, I spilled on you
I think that's
going to have to come off
- Really?
- Yeah
Yes!
Oh my God, Miles
Stacy Usher
Stacy:
Oh, Miles
Oh, "U"
Stacy:
Oh yes Oh!
Stacy Usher
Miles:
Who's Stacy Swanson?
Stacy:
I am Oh!
Miles:
I thought you said your name was Usher
Stacy:
It is
Okay, hang on, you're confusing me
I'm kind of drunk, I don't have a whole lot of blood
going to my brain right now
My mom got re-married
so I go by both
What's the name
on your birth certificate?
Stacy:
Don't stop
Stacy, what does the name
on your birth certificate say?
Swanson, why?
What's wrong?
Nothing Another "S"
Cleaver: Oh yeah, who's your Daddy,
oh, oh, oh!
That's right That's right!
Who's your Daddy?
Oh, oh!
Git along, little doggie, whoo!
What's the matter, what's the matter?
You okay?
What's wrong?
You don't look so good
What's wrong?
Cleaver:
Fuck! Oh!
Oh fuck!
All right, all right uh
Let's just finish this up doggie-style
No babe
Wait, I gotta get behind you
Cleaver:
Ben Benji
I had sex with a girl last night
And she puked, all over me
Good morning, sunshine
Ben:
What the fuck Cleaver?
And it went
a little something like this
Ben:
Fuck off!
Asshole
Cleaver: How about you, stallion?
Any letters last night?
Miles:
I was railin' a "U"
Nice!
She turned into an "S"
Damn those "S"s
Miles:
I know
Cleaver:
Fuck!
Hey, man, what the fuck?
Dude, these are
sacred documents, all right?
Not to be desecrated
by the likes of you
Okay, relax
Don't be worrying about
your precious little diaries here
What you should be worrying about
are these last three letters
Okay, tell me Miles,
where are you going to find an "X", huh?
You know, my entire life,
I haven't even met an "X"
How about you, afro-sac?
You know any "X"s?
Uh, no
No, I don't know any "X"s
Then go back to sleep
You know, this whole buckshot approach
has gotten us pretty far
But we don't have a snowball's chance
of finding an "X" and a "U" this way
What do you suggest?
Leave the "X" and the "U" to me
All right, well you set up the pins,
and I'll knock 'em down
Another puker, huh?
Yeah
You weren't wearing my
Your shirt? Yeah
You don't want that back
No
Dr Henson never takes
his questions from that book
- Hey, Ben
- Hey
- How are you?
- Good
- I thought you might be here
- Oh yeah?
Yeah This test Friday,
it's going to be a bugger, isn't it?
- I know
- Yeah
I like to come to
this part of the library for absolute quiet
Me too
Oh, I meant what I said, though
Henson never takes his questions
from that book
- Really?
- Yeah
Thanks, Ben
Will you share your notes with me?
I'd love you, I'd love to
Cleaver:
Ah! The bible
Miles: You five-fingered bastard
That's the directory
I know, but when there's $10,000
on the line, I can get pretty crafty
Gentlemen
Hey, Benny
Anyways, I already
looked through it, okay,
and there's only three "X"s
on the entire campus
Ouch
I know, there's two Xu's,
and one Xeropopple, whatever,
it's a Greek name, I think
Are you guys still doing
that stupid alphabet game?
No, Benny,
this is another one
How would you feel if someone
did this to one of your mothers?
I'd like to do it to his mother
Fucker!
Anyways, those Xu's
they have like, fucked up first names,
so I'm not even sure
if either of them is female
Actually, their names kind of sound similar
to those Chinese pandas
But I'm guessing they're not related
Probably not
Anyways the Greek,
I'm pretty sure that she's female
I mean, Gabrielle,
that's a chick's name, right?
Miles:
What faculty is the Greek in?
Uh, she's in vets
Okay, I looked into her Okay?
Her class isn't till Monday,
she lives off Campus,
so I'm thinking in the meantime,
we look for the "U"s
and the "N"s on campus
Miles: Why don't we just focus on the "U"s, man,
we can find "N" anywhere
What?
Hello, how are you doing today?
I'm fine
Is your name, Miss Unger?
I'm so busy right now,
I mean
It'll just take a second, I just have
a couple questions to ask you
I'm so sorry, I'm studying
and I'm really in a focus mode
Are you single?
Yes?
Miles: Is focus mode like,
code for bitch?
Cleaver:
Are you single?
- No
- No, you're not, okay
No, you're not But do you believe
in premarital s
Robin is that with a "Y"
or with an "I", Miss Upshaw?
Oh no, I'm not Robin Upshaw,
that's my roommate
That's great
Thank you for your time
Can I help you
with something else?
Uh, what's your name?
Stephanie
- Stephanie
- Newman
Stephanie Newman
with an "N"
Yeah
Hi
Hi, are you Angela Uverik?
Yeah that's correct
- Um
- What's that?
Actually, I'm just doing a survey
Guys, I'm not really dressed for it,
why don't you come in?
I got I got this one
You're looking kind of tired
- Hi
- Hi
I'm Miles
Hi Nice to meet you Angela
Miles:
The "U"
Bring on the "X"
Giddy up
Nice
Miles:
Now how do we find her?
Hey, buddy, do you know
a Gabrielle Xeropoppa-
Xeropopolous
- Yeah
Sure, she's still in the lecture hall
Can't miss her
Thanks Top gun
Oh dude, I'm not liking
my odds at all
Oh, there's only one way
to find out
Cleaver:
Gabrielle!
Miles:
Holy crap
Cleaver:
What?
Dude, that's her
That's the girl that fixed my car,
the one from the pub
- Oh, the one that Ben's sweet on
- What?
You really dodged
the bullet there, I mean, she's nice
She's a damn sight better than nice
Shit, I'd do her if she was another "S"
Okay, here she comes
Did you just call me?
No
Yes You don't remember me
You fixed my car
Uh, the red T-bird
Oh, right, did you replace the battery yet?
Not yet, but she's running great,
and I wanted to track you down
and thank you and take you out to dinner
You don't have to do that,
it was no big deal
I'm Miles, by the way
Gabrielle
And I'm Cleaver,
just in case you were wondering
- Hi -
Gabrielle, that's nice
Thanks, my friends call me Gabby
All right, Gabby
I said, my friends call me Gabby
Cleaver:
Burn
- Hey
- Hey This is Fran
- Fran this is
- Cleaver, at your service
Gabrielle:
Right
This is my roommate,
this is Miles and Cleaver
- Hi
- Hi
Miles:
So what do you say?
You don't have to take me to dinner,
it was no big deal
Are you are you kidding me?
I mean
You're turning down a free dinner?
Nothing's free
We could make it a foursome Huh?
I have to study for a test I have tomorrow,
and then I have to go to work
Miles:
Great, I'll come by your work
I work at Taylor's Automotive,
it's not exactly conducive to visitors
Okay, tomorrow night
Fran:
Someone's a tad eager
Gabrielle: Actually, Fran and I
planned a movie night with the girls,
so maybe
we'll just play it by ear Okay?
Okay
- See ya
- Okay
Gabrielle:
See ya
I think she's gay
Yep, I mean what else could it be?
Do you think
she's doing her roommate?
I would pay cash money
to see some of that live lesbo action
See, now, that'd make sense
I mean, movie night
with the girls? Pfft!
Tell me that's not code
for wild lesbian pillow fight night with the girls
And how about the clincher,
she's a mechanic, for Chrissake? God
Well this is ass!
And here I thought this girl
was going to give you all three inputs,
I mean, she's Greek
They're into that, you know?
This is ass
I mean she's beautiful,
she's playing hard to get,
and she's an "X"?
It's dripping with irony
when you think of it
Yeah Well, if anybody can get her,
it's you, Kemo Sabe
Yeah you're right
No more Mr fucking Nice guy
It's time to bring out the big guns
- Big guns
- Big guns!
- Big guns!
- Big guns!
Big guns!
You guys are so fuckin' pathetic
How long's he been here?
I don't know
- Big guns
- Oh yeah
Oh!
Gabrielle, hey! How's it going?
- Hi, Miles
- Hi
So uh, you still doing that uh, girl
that girl night, thing, tonight?
Yeah, that's still the plan
I think we should
go out tomorrow night
I'm working tomorrow
At the mechanic shop?
- Yeah
- Right
You should really
have some sunscreen on
You don't want to get skin cancer
See ya!
See ya
Yup She's definitely
a rug muncher
Trainer: All right, Ben, what we're
going to do over here
is try to get you on
a muscle building program
You know, get your body used to the idea
of coming to a gym, working out, lifting weights
Actually, have you ever
been to the gym before?
Oh yeah,
I just took a couple months off
All right, well, this shouldn't be
any problem for you then, tough guy
Miles, what are you doing here?
Are you trying to get me fired?
Well, Gabby, If you're not
going to let me take you to dinner,
I'm taking dinner to you
I can't believe this is happening
I'm sorry,
am I embarrassing you?
Miles, my boss
is going to be back any second
Then let me take you to dinner
Okay, pack this up
and I'll let you take me for dinner
When?
- I don't know
- Oh! I hope you like cheese!
Okay, how about Saturday?
- Saturday's good
- Okay
Here, let me write down my number
I finish work at 6:00 on Saturday
and you can pick me up at 8:00
There
- I'm in with the "X"
- Fuck off!
I'm In with the "X"
I'm in with the "X"
Oh, I'm in with the "X"
What the fuck does that mean?
Well, Bennyit means
I'm in with the "X"
Let me see
So she doesn't eat
from the bushy plate after all?
Miles: Hey, apparently not,
we're hooking up Saturday
Nice How could she
resist your charms?
Yeah, there but for
the grace of Miles goes God
Hey, I like that
I'm going to use that, Ben
Miles:
What's up?
No Just
Just when you nab the "X",
I mean, it's over
Oh, come on,
there will be other contests
Sweet victory
I can't wait to see Sylvie
and Big Eddie's faces right after I rail the "X"
Aren't you ever worried about catching
a fucking disease or something?
No, Benny
Never shower without a raincoat
Oh, you know what?
I'm just about out
Cleaver:
I got some domer-domers you can use
Thanks, but I'd rather use ones
that weren't bought in grade nine
Cleaver:
Uh, they're new, jackass
I wear a minimum of three
I mean, it cuts off the sensation
and makes my dick look bigger
Uggh!
Hello
Uh, sorry, Miles isn't here right now
Oh, this is his roommate, Benji
He's so busy
- Wendy? I'll tell him you called
- Fuck off, Cleaver
- Okay, bye-bye,
- Cleaver: Hey, Ben, come back to bed!
Ben:
Fuck off!
The friggin' "P"
She's like a curse!
Cleaver:
Okay, brother, brother, okay
Let's not worry about her, okay?
We gotta keep the positive energy flowing
Miles:
Soon, my pretty
Ohh, yes
- Miles?
- Yeah?
There's a lot of money
at stake here
I know
Okay, what I mean is that, okay,
if we don't win this contest,
and by we, I mean, you,
I can't cover the bets alone
How much money
are we talking about?
Oh, I don't, I don't know, um
something in the neighborhood
of $30,000
What? $30,000 as in,
three, and four zeros? That $30,000?
That's it
How?
Well, the odds on the "X"
are through the fuckin' roof,
I mean every guy in rez
has taken action on it
I mean, when she rejected you the first time,
I mean, they more than doubled
And the fact that she's so stinkin' hot
made them double again and again
Then fuck 'em, fuck 'em all
It'll make my victory
that much sweeter
Cleaver:
I love you
Yeah, I love me, too
There by the grace of Miles
goes God
Yeah, I like that
Gabrielle:
Come in!
Hello, it's Miles
You haven't forgotten about me,
have ya?
Gabrielle:
No, I'll just be a second
All right, I'm just
going to go through your stuff
Gabrielle:
Hey!
I'm kiddin'
I'll just wait out here
Can I help you?
No, um, hi
I Gabrielle was just talking to me
and I was, um
just waiting for our date
Uh-huh
Miles: Fran, I swear to God,
I didn't I didn't even know she was there
Oh, of course you didn't
- Sorry to keep you waiting
- Hey, no biggie!
- All right!
- You guys have met, right?
Yeah, and I'm learning
so much more by the second
- Okay! We better go
- Okay, good night, hon
Good night
Don't be late, I'll wait up
Gabrielle:
Okay
Hey it's Saturday night,
and if you're like me
and have nothin' better to do
than listen to me,
I can help you feel cool on CMFU,
campus radio
# Becoming what I hate
# To have sex on the first date, yeah!
# The party's on tonight
# I'm heterosexually just right
# If you're looking gay
you don't have to try
# you don't gotta try
# Tonight is my night
# For muscle for shine
# The sluts will be mine
# So bring on the shit
# So bring on the shit
# The party's on tonight
# you dirty motherfuckers!
# The party's on tonight
# I'm heterosexually just right
May I start you off with drinks?
Uh, yeah, do you like red wine?
I love it
Great A bottle
of your house red, please
- Gabrielle: Thank you
- Thanks
Miles: Am I keeping you up?
I'm keeping you up, aren't I?
Excuse me, no, sorry
It's work Honest
That must be tough, you know,
going to school and working at the same time
It is, but I don't
have much of a choice
How about you?
Miles:
Work? Not really
I mean, I lifeguard in the summer
But I don't work
during the school year
Gabrielle: And saving lives
at the beach pays all your bills?
No, it doesn't,
I'm on a scholarship
Gabrielle:
Really What kind?
Academic
Wow Didn't realize
I was on a date with a brainiac
Yeah I'm full of surprises
Yeah? I don't know
if that's a good thing or a bad thing
You can decide later
Waiter:
Ready to order?
I'll have a nine ounce steak
with a loaded baked potato,
and can you cook it medium?
- Waiter: That's great
- Yeah
I mean, make it two
Thanks
- Cheers
- Cheers
Hey, baby, why don't come back here
and tryout my jackhammer?
Yeah where you goin',
don't you know mustache rides
are free?
Eat this, assholes
Yeah, keep walkin'
ya stupid whore
Sounds like you boys
need a lesson in manners from
The Menstrual Avenger!
Male cartoon character: Manners? I'll eat you
and your manners for breakfast!
What's up?
Guys:
Ah!
We'll see, we'll see
I guess it does
look a little bigger
Benny
So, how'd it go?
First base, second base, third?
Oh come on, Miles, on a scale
of one to ten, how'd it go?
It was the best ever
What? You fucked her? Nice!
So you were just bullshitting
with the guys out there?
That was a nice touch
Okay, uh, you got the picture?
I didn't even touch her
I didn't even kiss her
She gave me
a peck on the cheek, though
What? Oh, that's fuckin' gay
Did you at least remember
to tip her chaperone?
I can't remember having
a more fantastic time
Well gee son, I'm so glad you and your
little lady friend had such a peachy time
Oh, we're going out again
Yeah? So you'll fuck her next time
You can't hoink every broad
on the first night, that's what I always say, huh?
Sure, whatever, I don't feel
like talking about this
Sure, whatever Why not?
No, I don't think
she's the right girl for the contest
You don't think
she's the right girl for the contest?
Fine You know
Don't fuck her then
Go fuck one of those
Chinese pandas
Frankly I don't give a rat's ass
who you fuck anymore
as long as their last name
starts with an "X"
Miles, fuck we need it soon,
I can't take the stress no more,
I'm up to two packs of Rolaids a day,
I think I'm getting an ulcer
- Cleaver
- What?
I'll get an "X"
Which "X"?
I don't know, but I'll find an "X"
Okay
- Okay?
- Okay
All right? But it's late
- Okay
- And I'm tired
- Okay
- Okay?
- Okay
- Okay
Okay, I'll see you at breakfast
Okay
So you didn't even feel her up
- Okay
- Okay
Hey, Ben
Hi, you
You smell good
Really? I showered
after my workout
You look totally different
Did you get all new clothes
over the weekend?
What, these old rags?
Nah, I've had this 'drobe forever
Ben? Sorry Here
Miles
Hello, Fran
She's not ready yet
Okay, I'll, uh just wait out here
Come on in
Maybe if you time it right you can walk in on her
when she's about to pee
You're never going to let me
live that down, are you?
You're lucky she likes you
Fran:
These are my friends, Abby and Stacy
- Miles: Hi
- Hi
Hi!
Hey
Hello
- Are you okay, Miles?
- Miles: Yeah!
Fine, it's a nice day
Fran:
You look pale
No Pale? No I'm good
I'm good
Gabrielle:
Sorry I'm late
Miles: Hey, no biggie
Don't worry about it
- We should go, though We should
- Okay
- Yeah
- Did you
- Yeah Hi, yeah
- Oh! Okay
See you guys later
# Love came from behind
# And opened up my eyes
# To a world of rainbow skies
# Oh, I thought I'd never find
# I'm not the nicest guy
# But this chick blows my mind
# And her smile makes me high
# She makes my heart cry
# Love bent me over
# Tore out my insides
# Filled me up with her goodness
# Now I'm a one-chick guy
# I'm a one-chick guy
# Oh, I'm a one-chick guy
# Oh, I'm a one-chick guy...
Miles:
No
- No, Gabrielle, that's amazing
- Thanks
You can call me Gabby now
Hey, Benny I might be
bringing Gabby back here tonight,
her roommate's a bit of a ball buster,
so perhaps you could make yourself scarce
and not be here?
That would be nice
And where the hell
am I supposed to go?
Did you ever think
that for just one second
I might be bringing
a girl back here?
No Okay, listen
Here, there's $10, $20
Go see a movie
Go see a couple of movies
Huh? A couple of movies I gotta run
Hello No, Wendy, he isn't here
I don't know, he's, uh
He's gone right now
but he'll be back later
And uh, I won't be here,
I'm going to be gone all night
Yeah, okay Bye
Picnic basket right
Miles:
Holy crap
Gabrielle:
I should go
Miles: Please don't leave
I have no idea what's going on here
No You need to sort this out
And I gotta go
Wendy, what are you doing here?
Are you here for Ben?
Do you know that I was actually
stupid enough to think that you might have liked me?
Yeah, listen, Wendy
Wendy:
Don't "Listen, Wendy" me
You're happy
you got your fuck, right?
Wendy, it's not like that
Wendy:
It's exactly like that, asshole
You had your fun and you don't care
who gets hurt
God, I can't believe I was so stupid
I can't believe I liked you
I can't believe I baked you a pie
Man:
You're going the wrong way, honey!
What just happened?
Some of your stats
coming back to haunt you there, Miles?
Not now, Ben
Yep, you love women, don't you?
You love the way they look
You love the way they fuck
But as soon as you blow your load, that's it
The love affair's over, isn't it?
Okay, who blew their load?
Miles You got the "X"
Cleaver:
Miles and Xeropopolous sittin' in a tree
F- U-C-K-I-N "X"!
"X"!
Cleaver: Don't leave me hangin' brother,
give me the picture!
Okay, uh, well I looked into
those Chinese pandas
and I got some bad news
One of them turns out
to be a fuckin' guy,
and the other one's been,
like, deported or something
'cause no one can seem to find her
- Cleaver
- Cleaver: Okay, Miles
We're "T" minus two weeks
but we're still in pretty good shape
But, brother, honestly I think
you should have railed the "X" by now
Miles:
Gabrielle?
Yeah she has name,
it's Gabrielle It's not "X"
Okay Gabrielle
So when are we fucking Gabrielle?
Miles: Aw, Jesus Christ,
don't, Cleaver Listen
It's over, it's over Take your contest
and get out, would you?
What are you talking about,
It's not over
No! Take it and get out
What the
Oh, this fuckin' sucks
You want you want to piss away
a legendary stat quest
and all that
fuckin' money for some tighty
that's your call
Man, what happened to you?
You used to be cool
Fuck! And take that fuckin' smirk
off your face, man
Cleaver:
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I'm going to assume this sabotage
is all you're doing?
She's going to find out
about you sooner or later
Miles:
I love her, Ben
Please
Miles:
I love her
Ben:
You don't even know what that is
Oh, and you do Huh?
Cleaver told me about
the crush you have on her, man
It's obvious But here's a shocker,
she's not interested in you
And no matter how much
of my cologne you steal,
or how much you swifty up your look,
you'll always be you
And you know what?
I'll always be me
You're so fucking conceited
Miles:
Ben, she's out of your league
And you know what, the sooner you realize that,
the happier you'll be
- Hey, listen, Gabby, about last night
- Don't bother, Miles
No, listen, I have this whole speech planned,
just let me get through it Okay?
Oh, and did that girl help you write it?
Miles: Look she was just someone
that I dated once,
but there was no chemistry
so we didn't date again
But she just sleeps in your bed
when you're not there
You don't believe me, do you?
Gabrielle:
I don't know
Listen, I'm not seeing anyone else
I don't want to see anyone else
I don't want you seeing anyone else
Miles, my ex-boyfriend
was a player
He was cheating on me the whole time
we were together and I had no idea
I don't need another guy like that
I'm going to regret this
No you won't
Miles:
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Who was it?
They hung up
Ben, I think you're a really great guy
And I like you a lot
Just not more than a friend
You don't even know Miles
I know enough
What about Wendy?
He explained Wendy
And you're okay with that?
Ben, all I care about is what goes on
with Miles and I from this point forward, okay?
We'll still be friends?
Okay
Okay, listen Ben
We've been buds all year, right?
And I hate losing friends over girls,
'cause nine times out of ten
it ain't worth it
Generally speaking
I think you're a good guy, I do,
and that's why I'm not too proud of the things
I said to you the other day
But I think you had it coming
for that stunt you pulled
Okay, that's about as mushy as I'm going to get
so you can take it or leave it
All right, now don't get
all fruity on me
Where you headed?
Dumpster, then laundry
You need anything thrown out?
- No
- No? Okay I'll see you at dinner
Miles:
Oh, and Ben?
I really do love her
Man: Miles, you fucking cock
Where's my fucking money?
Miles:
Fuck you
Ben: I'm sorry, but,
I thought you had to know
It's a game He's trying to fuck
the entire alphabet and you're the "X"
Gabrielle:
I can't believe this
Miles: Silvio, I think
something died in your room
- Silvio: Huh?
- Miles: Yeah It's not right
It's so not natural
Your room, my eyes, they're bleeding
Silvio:
Nice underwear, faggot
Hey, Gabby, wh
You little fucker
Don't blame him, you evil prick
- Now listen, Gabby it's not
- You want to fuck an "X"?
Gabrielle: You go fuck a xylophone!
Wait! Gabby, wait, Gabby
Miles:
Look, Gabby, I can explain
- It's Gabrielle to you, asshole
- Okay, fine, Gabrielle
It's not what you think, Okay?
My feelings for you are real
Those other girls,
they didn't mean a thing to me
Oh, that's nice
I'm sorry, but it's true!
Look I threw out all those photos and diaries
to get rid of my past, for you
Then why were they in your drawer?
I don't know I mean, Ben must have
fished them out of the dumpster
Fuckin' weasel!
No, look, okay before I met you,
I didn't know I was such an asshole
Okay? But I've never met
a girl like you
You're different
than any girl I've ever met
You've made me want to change
Okay, no, Gabby
God, Gabby, please
I am begging you,
give me another chance
I'm not the same guy
that did all that stuff
When I hear you talk like that,
it makes me want to puke
You're a pig All men are pigs
So do me a favour and leave me
the fuck alone
CMFU campus radio
on the all request hour
I'm sending this one out as a special request
to our buddy Miles
who's in a real bad place right now
# I can't believe that I've found
all I wanted
# In you...
You can say "I told you so"
whenever you want
# I haven't done what I have to do
Miles:
Can I come in?
No
Miles:
Is she here?
No
Miles:
Would you tell me if she was?
Fran:
No
Miles:
Come on, let me just
Look, you even try getting in here,
I'll cut your fucking dick off
Okay, fair enough
#... to you
# How many times
# Will I say that I'm sorry
# How many times
# Will I say that I'm sorry
Hi, uh Gabrielle Xropoleus?
Fran:
Thanks
What are you doing?
The door's open
Yeah, um, Wendy the "P"
she, uh she gave me that
to give to Miles,
but since I ain't talking to him,
you give it to him
We're not exactly
on speaking terms, either
Really, why not?
You know Miles, he's just
going through a weird thing right now
Yeah, no fuckin' shit
I mean that guy's been hoinking chicks
left and right all year,
and now he's pussying after some chick
he hasn't fucked yet?
Come on
Doesn't make sense
It's always sad when one
of the great ones retire, eh, Ben?
Let's just hug it out
It'll be okay
Be strong
Big Eddie:
Give me my fuckin' money, man!
Cleaver:
Fuck off!
Ben: "Dear Miles, I want you to know
I appreciate the letter you wrote me
Of course I accept
your apology"?
- Big Eddie: Hey
- Hey!
- Fuck face
- Big Eddie, how's it going?
What did I tell you
about fucking with my money?
What are you talking about?
If my bet's no good
because you opened up your pansy trap,
I swear to Christ I will knock
the living piss right out of you
- Big Eddie
- Don't give me that shit, bitch!
Miles:
Am I interrupting something special?
Word is, big mouth here
fucked up your shit with the "X" 'cause he likes her
Yeah, well, Benny
didn't fuck up anything,
it just didn't work out
- Big Eddie:
Well, superhero
Then it looks like your pal Cleaver
will be owing me some money
Miles:
Looks like it
Yeah
You all right?
Yeah Thanks
Listen, Benny
Between pulling your daggers
out of my back
and being assaulted by girls,
I've had some time to think
I guess I haven't exactly
treated women like gold in the past
So I kind of understand why you did
what you did Again
But remember what I said
and I meant it
I'm trying to get her back
Oh, give me a fucking break
Honestly He's apologized
to Wendy
He stopped big Eddie
from beating me up
He's not even
hanging around Cleaver anymore
It's like he's on some sort of 12-step
do-gooder program or something
Hmm
Listen Before any of this stuff happened,
he told me he loved you
I didn't believe him then
but I do now
He really did throw out
all those pictures and diaries
I sort of, fished them out
of the dumpster
Oh, Ben
Wendy? Hi
Hi
You don't remember me I'm Ben
Ben
Uh Miles's roommate
Oh
We've talked on the phone
a couple of times I
Yeah, yeah, of course
It's nice to finally
talk to you face to face
- I'll be right back
- Okay
Hey, hey Gabrielle,
come on, wait a second
You know if you keep hitting this button
people are going to think you're trying to leave
So when do you start healing lepers?
I'm working my way up
What are you doing here,
what's this about?
Actually, I used to spend
a lot of time here doing this
when my grandfather was dying
Oh by the way,
I really liked your pie
- Really?
- Yeah, it was amazing
Well, thank you
Pie
So, are you going home
right after exams?
Um, no, I'm sticking around
for the weekend
Do you maybe want
to catch a movie or something?
Sure
I don't know what to think anymore
Look, exams start in three days,
and I don't want to risk
never seeing you again
Meet me tonight
Meet me tonight at our spot
I must be crazy
All right, so I'll call you
tomorrow night
Okay
You know what?
I'm not sure if it matters anymore,
but I completely forgot to give Miles
your letter
My letter?
Yeah, the one you gave to Cleaver
to give to Miles
Because he wrote you the apology
Apology? I don't think so
Hi
I was afraid
you weren't going to show
I wouldn't miss this
for the world
Oh It is so fucking on
Cleaver:
Oh yeah
Ooh! Boobies!
What the fuck? What?
Fuck off!
Boobies!
What the fu
Gabrielle:
Gotcha
So Shall I call the ambulance?
Why do you need an ambulance?
'Cause you're going to need one
if you don't got my money
Okay, okay I'll admit,
okay, this is looking a little grim right now
But, you know, Miles could turn this
whole thing around okay?
I mean, he could change
this whole angry mob scene
into one great big beautiful orgy
He can He will
Please
# I hate girlfriends
# you can't be my girlfriends
# Hookers
# You can be my girlfriend
if you give me freebees
# Girls
# You can have my kid
# As long as I don't see it
# Hey, as long as you know
# I hate girlfriends
# They can't be my girlfriends
# Oh, I hate girlfriends
# Just not my girlfriend
# But you can be the ride of my life
# The sun in my moon
# Just not my girlfriends
# Can't be my girlfriend
# I hate girlfriends
# Whoo!
# Whip those out
# Give them some breathing room
# Why the hell would you strap them down?
# Whip those out!
# Off come the panties first
# Followed by the bra
and then we're talking
# Yeah, we're talking
# Now, we're bangin'
# But we don't have to talk
# I prefer it if we don't
# But them clothes can still come off
# Don't tell me that they won't
# So please get naked
# You look better naked
# Now let's make it
# All the lovely panties
# Dropping to the floor
# Sweet back alley handies
# Ain't that what Rock is for?
# Less talking
# And more panty-dropping
# Less talking
# And more panty-dropping
# But if you have to talk
# I hope that it's to say
# Can I let these panties drop
# To that I'd say, yeah
# And I ain't faking
# Now all the chicks should get naked
# Buck naked
# Buck ass naked
# All the lovely panties
# Droppin' to the floor
# Sweet back alley handies
# Ain't that what Rock is for?
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa
# Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa...#
Fuck off! All right?
Man:
Cut!