1
She's not really around anyone.
Did you kill her?
I would not put it past him.
It's a fair question.
Guys, you're gonna
incriminate yourself.
Are you serious?
It is too fast-paced.
- Ooh, yeah, that's...
- There's nothing
wrong with that.
- That's not your thing.
- These guys are going to Ibiza.
- Mmm.
- Okay, let me just
say right there...
You can't drag this man
to a phone party in Ibiza.
It's not... These two things
don't go together.
- It's not fair proposition.
- Actually. Actually, no, no, no,
I had this memory
of you in a bathtub
in the Little Mermaid dress
that I had.
Yes. Yes.
Handmade and beautiful.
Oh, my god,
it was so gorgeous.
And he was, like, laid out
and force him into this dress.
He was so chubby that I had to
like squish his body down
- but his boobs things
get popping up.
- Oh, my god!
He had like boobs.
He had cleavage from it.
And I had this whole photoshoot.
It was amazing.
- You have photos
of that, right?
- I have photos of it.
I had... I tell you what, Leon,
this guy, when he was little,
every single photograph
in our album
with his skinny soft
outrageous Disney outfit that...
Yeah. Always a dress.
Once a little bralette.
She's been a producer
for 30 years.
-It's insane.
She's always been a producer.
-Oh, yeah.
Jen used to leave me
lists on the bed
and she went to school.
What she wanted me to
make that ready for her.
Don't even get me
started with the lists.
I have a checklist of, like,
10 things I've to hit before
I'm allowed to leave the house.
- I would never do it
if I didn't...
- I swear to God.
I call her the Enforcer.
- She's the Enforcer.
- Yeah, that's true.
Oh, yes, I...
No, but,
the Enforcer is phenomenal
when you're at a restaurant
and your name has somehow
disappeared from the list
or you've been waiting
for 40 minutes
and everyone's like,
"I guess we should
go somewhere else."
You send in the Enforcer.
- Yeah.
- And things get done.
You get a table,
you get free apps,
you might get free dessert.
And then she'd be like,
"Yes, I did it! Yeah!"
- She loves it. She loves it.
- I love it.
The problem is...
The problem lies herein
when you become the enforced.
You know what I'm talking about.
Because I think I'm literally
one week away from being
dressed in a mermaid outfit
and I've been photographed
in a foam bath.
Is that where I'm going?
I need to be prepared.
Kind of just sounds
like you're a fucking cuck.
What's a cuck?
- He's a... He's pussy whipped.
- Fuck off, Frankie!
That's fucking disgusting.
Don't ever say that again.
Are you serious?
We were...
Fucking we're just talking.
We're just joking.
We're not joking.
It's not a joke!
It's a disgusting thing to say
and I don't want to fucking
hear that again.
Apologize for him.
Don't talk to him like
he's a two-year-old.
Don't... I'm talking to
my brother right now.
Don't talk to him like
he's a two-year-old.
If you wanna apologize
you apologize.
It's not a cool thing to say,
Frankie. Say sorry.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Would anybody like a drink?
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Yes. Yeah.
It wasn't
a very cool thing to say.
What?
Don't make me feel like
I did something bad here.
He's the one who act...
I wanna go to the toilet.
- Are you kidding me?
- Yes!
- No, I'm not.
- He called me a cuck.
-Yes, I know he
called you a cuck.
-And you play over-the-top
with that bullshit. And you
embarrassed the shit out of me.
And basically proved his point.
- Plus you fucking... What?
- You embarrassed me.
You can't talk
to him like that.
He's your family.
You're treating him like
a 19-year-old production
minion at your work.
You called me the Enforcer
in front of my family.
This fucking thing that I hate.
I told you
I don't like that name.
- Fine. Fine.
- It's so demeaning.
I meant it as a compliment.
Oh, thank... Thank you.
So every time
I have a fucking opinion
or an idea that's not yours,
I'm the Enforcer.
That's so nice of you.
Thank you, sir.
I'll never say it again.
I'll never say it again.
Thank you. I'm a fucking
woman and you're
scared of me having a fucking
opinion. So you belittle me.
- Yes, that's
exactly what it is.
- We love you. Okay?
We're not trying to
fucking take you down!
This isn't a takeover.
What the fuck?
We're not your nemesis.
Leon, love isn't
about calling people
out on their shit.
Don't tell me what
love is about. Don't...
Please do. 'Cause it sounds
like bullying to me.
It sounds like shit
my dad used to say.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
That's what you think.
You think I'm the...
Oh, my, God.
You... You want me
to be your mom, man.
That's what you want.
No, I want you
to back the fuck off!
- I want you to learn
how to back up.
- I back off with you all the
fucking time.
I back up.
I back up all the fucking time.
You don't back off with anybody.
That's your whole M.O.
Is, I don't back off.
What happened to
my grandpa's painting?
- Oh, yeah.
- Where is it?
Am I on trial?
Can I have my lawyer?
Can I have my fucking
lawyer with me?
It's, like, why aren't
the dishes done?
Why do I have to do that?
I work all day long and
I come home and you're still
in front of the fucking TV
- doing nothing.
- All right. Okay. Painting.
-You're tired.
You're always tired.
-Let me make the checklist.
- And I'm the one who's
been working all day.
- Tired.
- And you're tired?
- What bout hungover?
- Let's go with that one too.
- And I made dinner
then your you.
Let me talk to my lawyer first
because I don't want things
to be used against me
in a court of law.
- 'Cause I realized...
- Leon. Leon, I'm serious.
I'm fucking serious.
- I'm trying to cuck this up
real good.
I'm trying to cuck it up
real good.
So, don't... No, come here.
Come here.
Dishes, laundry, painting,
uh, hungover on weekends.
What else we got?
Yeah, I know...
Look, I don't
like me either, okay?
I don't... Look, I don't like
myself either. I don't know
what the fuck we're doing.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what...
I don't know.
That motherfucker
should be out here.
We're here because your
brother called me a cuck
loudly at a restaurant
- in public.
- I know. I know.
- It's insanity.
- Yes.
- It's total insanity.
- It's crazy.
- I'm tired, okay.
- Yeah.
- My brain hurts.
- Yeah.
It's been three and a half days.
All right? Okay?
Like, we, we got...
three hours
and thirty nine minutes
until the train leaves.
Perhaps instead of doing this
- we could drink two beers.
- Okay.
- And then just like,
get to the train.
- Yeah.
- Does that sound okay?
- Yes.
- I love you.
- I know it.
Okay. Okay?
We're okay, right?
Yeah, of course, we're okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Yo, where the fuck is Jess?
I don't know.
- Where's Jess?
- Just over there.
You have entered
the naughty zone.
No. No.
No, I'm in the work zone.
How did you find me?
- I've got to get this
done for finals.
- I don't give a fuck.
Uh, you never give a fuck.
You've got work to do too, man.
Oh!
It's Friday, bitches.
Naughty zone.
- Oh, man.
- It's gone right through me.
- Give me some more.
- You need some more?
Sweet, here we go.
Do you want some of this?
I don't think he does.
Um...
Drugs on run!
Drugs on run!
- Mmm-mmm.
- Mmm.
I saw it today.
It was so good.
I don't know.
The coat, the design, I love it.
- Really?
- I think it's fucking genius.
I think it's... It's...
It's very you.
And it's very fucked up but
that's what I love about it.
Talking about football.
Stats about football, guys.
Where they grew up?
He's so fucking boring.
Well, I turn it up.
Whenever I fucking running
across the pitch I was like,
"Oh, fuck, it's like theater."
It's like fucking theater.
He sent me a text the
other day that was like,
- um, "I miss you."
- What the fuck?
And I was like,
"I miss your penis.
That's about it."
Warts are amazing.
Truly, it's just the way it fits
into me. It's like,
- And hits... Yeah.
- A puzzle piece.
Oh, God, but he's so boring.
I don't love him.
What you need to
get out of that I mean like,
- come on.
- I can't. I'm addicted.
I wish you were my lover.
I don't have what you
need, my darling.
Wait, wait, wait.
Grab it on.
Grab it.
Come on.
I gave it to you, girl.
But you can't handle it.
You broke my vagina.
I want the minced meat.
Right there.
- Does it have fat in it?
- Yeah.
- Not lean?
- No.
Good. Okay.
- This one, yeah?
- That. Yeah.
All right.
Would you like anything else?
Oh!
Ah!
Fuck!
I'm in a bit of a hurry.
But I'm good.
Okay. Let's see
what we've got today.
Yeah. Yeah, the Jackalope.
Uh, sorry.
I haven't got any of that today.
I've got some Strawberry Cough.
And what I have got this
and you'll like it.
I've got a little bit here
of lemon, uh,
it's called Lemon Kush
and it is absolutely natural.
- Oh, it's pure.
- I'm in.
You made it. I'm in.
- I'm in.
- 50?
- Uh, perfect.
- Okay.
Can I pay you next week?
I don't have any cash right now.
- Okay, sure.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.
Okay, you wanna
smoke real quick?
- Ah, no, sorry.
- How about some lunch?
Sit down. I'm gonna
make you some pasta.
I'm making pasta
for my girlfriend tonight.
I'm surprising her.
You can be the guinea pig.
You can be the guinea pig
for girlfriend pasta.
Secret is, you got to
use the full-fat beef.
You can't use the lean beef,
it has to has fat
in the sauce, and my mom
is Italian so I know.
Well, that's...
You've gotta put sugar
in too.
So you got
mindfulness stuff, right?
- Yeah.
- What is that?
I think it's really about
trying to bring everything
to the moment.
We spend so much time
kind of just stressed out.
You know, so much anxiety.
I mean, look at us.
I think it's important
to make some space.
And that's what I'm
trying to do.
We lose track of how
we're feeling like inside
and what's going around us.
Is it good?
It's not great.
I feel like I...
I kind of
have that space thing down.
- This is a nice way
to spend a few hours.
- Yes, it is.
You feel me, dawg?
You feel me?
Lot of people are stressed out
but like I...
I can sit here all day
and just watch clouds go by
and birds go by and stuff.
It may have transcended
a lot of levels that
a lot of people are
working on right now.
You know, like I may...
I probably only had sex like
three or four times
this year, so far, it's like,
it's not a big deal,
you know, I feel like...
transcended that or something,
you know.
Maybe I'm an enlightened being.
Is that weird?
- So long.
- Okay.
Those balloons.
Lovely balloons.
Hi!
Uh, you're early.
Oh, my god!
What the fuck, you cooked?
What's with the lights, Leon?
Could you put
the record player on?
Smells weird.
Sorry, I... I got...
Uh, can you... Just put
the record player on.
How come?
And sit in the chair.
In the middle chair...
The chair that's sitting there
in the middle.
Jenna, some weird stuff
happened to me
when you were gone.
Mmm-mmm.
What is going on?
Yeah.
Ow!
Hoo!
Stop.
Fucking breathing.
Breathing so much.
Too much gum?
This strip is too gummy.
We'll go with the gum.
Stop. Please.
Oh, my God.
No!
Ah, fuck off. Ouch!
- Aw! Aw! Aw! Aw!
- Fuck!
- Fuck! Aw, fuck!
- Fuck!
Fuck!
Jesus!
- Jesus.
- What the fuck, man?
What?
I'm fucking going
all out and you're
like wincing?
I'm just...
What?
What are you doing?
I'm going all out.
You're not giving me anything.
You're just...
What are you?
- I was really guided.
- We're supposed to be
having sex right now.
What?
Take the cue, man.
Pick up the fucking baton.
You asked me.
You said you want to
have sex more.
You want to be surprised.
So you...
That's what this is.
Like, you're just like
wincing and shit.
I'm like, fucking dancing
my little heart out up here.
- And you're...
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry...
I'm like, fucking
release the doves and shit.
And you're just,
what are you doing back there?
You're just like...
I'm sorry. I had
so many cupcakes today.
Scott brought in cupcakes
for somebody's birthday.
I don't give a fuck about
cupcakes and Scott.
Is Scott going to
Japan with you?
Yeah, I know.
- How do you know that?
- I know.
At fucking football with Pat,
and Pat was off-handedly
mentioning
that you probably weren't
coming to Nice with everybody.
And I was like,
You know, in my head just
trying to figure out, yeah...
it's a bummer.
I was like making up stories
in my head so I don't look
like a fucking imbecile,
pathetic human
in front of my best friend.
When are you going?
-Are you? What...
What's the deal?
-I am.
- What's the fucking deal?
- In two weeks,
in two weeks I'm going.
Did you try and push it?
Did you try and...
I mean, could you leave from
Nice? It that possible?
You could come for 48 hours?
- I can't do anything.
- You can do 36 hours.
24 hours, fucking 18 hours
11 hours.
I can't, I have to be there
the whole time.
When were you gonna tell me?
Were you going to
just go to the airport with me
and then you go to Japan
and I go to Nice,
is that how this
was gonna unfold?
No, I was gonna tell you
this weekend, but,
I wasn't really
excited to do that
because I felt like you were
gonna act like a fucking baby
and start making it
about you somehow.
And making this into a bad thing
as opposed to a really
fucking great thing for me.
I'm not a baby.
Fuck that shit.
All right. fuck it.
You don't fucking
get to laugh. You don't...
You don't... You don't...
You don't get to that.
It's with Valine.
Shit.
You producing for Valine?
Yeah.
Okay.
-Okay.
-That's great for you.
Congrats.
Yeah, it's really fucking great.
- You can't turn that down.
- No, I can't.
- No, you can't.
- Why would I do that?
Why would you do that?
You're producing for Valine.
It's great.
Well, I'm coproducing.
But it is great
because I'm gonna be
right in there with her.
You know.
Talking through things,
seeing how she works.
And it's gonna be such
an incredible honor to be
that close to her.
You know.
Out assisting for Valine?
Do you...
Do you know how to say
"coffee" in Japanese?
How do you say
"Wet wipes" in Japanese?
You'll need a lot of Tic Tacs.
Lot of fucking Tic Tacs.
I got a new girlfriend.
I love you.
I love the way you dance.
I love you, Leon.
I love everything about you.
I love your back fat.
I love your hot back fat.
Get this bitch off of you.
You're my man.
You get off of that.
I'll kick this
bitch's ass right now.
I'm the zombie.
I know. I know.
Zombie don't...
Zombie don't kiss.
- Zombie first kiss.
- I'm not playing.
Uh...
Sit down.
- Trust me. Mmm-hmm.
- No.
Don't.
I don't want to fuck you.
You like how it feels?
No.
No...
Come on. Give me this.
I really want this.
- I really want that.
- I don't.
Get off of me!
Ah! Fuck.
What did you do today?
Fucking loads.
I actually came to the UK
for the fashion course.
You know, it's one of
the best schools in the world.
What?
How do you own this?
- I don't own it.
- How is this...?
Oh, my god!
I have a flatmate.
We split it.
But he's only here two
or three nights a week.
Want some tea?
- Yeah!
- Want some tea, darling?
Yeah, please, darling.
How nice it is to hear
an American accent.
- Chamomile?
- Yeah, please.
I just feel like very
out of love with it right now,
you know.
I'm good at it-ish.
I'm good when I try really hard,
but it's not a natural thing
for me to be,
you know,
designing, necessarily.
It kind of feels
I'm better at...
Like, I don't like to create.
I don't like to create.
Like, I don't like making
the thing up, necessarily.
I like to, you know,
I see it and I like it
or I don't.
And I'm pretty good
at doing that.
I'm pretty good at like
putting things together.
But I feel kind of,
I don't know, sick of it.
Just look through
whatever you want.
- Whoo! Nudes.
- Don't mind me.
Just kidding.
- I know a lot...
- No. Go ahead. Go ahead.
I know a lot now.
- You do?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Um, so what do you want to do?
Oh, I don't know.
Have some tea.
- Have a chat.
- No.
What are you doing?
What are you gonna
do with all this?
- Um...
- What you gonna
do with your mojo?
I'm going to, uh...
flounder around for another
10 years trying to figure out
what the fuck I wanna do.
And then not do it.
No, come on. Say it.
I want to do the thing that
I like doing, which is
being with people and
coordinating things.
I like that.
I'm good at that.
I'm very good at that.
Very efficient. I love
wrangling in, like...
I like
seeing the thing but,
making it happen
without being the person
who the pressure is on
to do the thing.
Yeah. You're a producer.
Right?
You have to be very good
to be a producer.
It's not like...
Look, I'm a real good judge
of character.
You're not gonna wait 10 years.
You're gonna do
whatever you wanna do.
So you should probably
just do it now.
- Like right now at this moment
right now?
- Yeah.
Starting now.
You're a producer.
Say, "I'm a producer."
- Mmm. Yeah.
- See them.
I can't... I can't hear you.
I'm sorry.
What is it that you do?
I'm a producer.
Did you say you're a producer?
Yeah.
That's incredible.
Because I'm actually
a photographer.
I mean, I make money
as a photographer's assistant
but I'm a photographer
and I'm actually doing
a shoot next weekend
and I need a producer.
Oh, right.
I'm dead fucking serious.
Would you produce my next shoot?
- Yeah.
- No, no, no.
Erase that.
We're gonna go back in time
and then you're gonna say
"What kind of work do you do?"
What kind of work do you do?
I do shit work,
but you know what,
my next shoot is with
this incredible producer,
her name is Jenna something.
And it's gonna be fucking bomb.
Just gonna push you just like
slightly, not tickling at all.
- Just... Just...
- Good. 'Cause I hate tickling.
Makes me pee my pants.
-Just a little tick.
Just like that.
-Whoo!
We're gonna have
a karate fight now.
Your form is very lax.
I need the feet to go
strong and straight.
Yes! And taut and strong.
Strong and duck.
- Don't puke yet. Okay, let's...
- What's puke?
- Little faster.
- Throw up.
- Faster, faster, faster.
- You don't know what puke is?
- Yes, it's throw up.
- Puke is throw up.
How do you spell
"throw up" in Spanish?
Throw up in Spanish.
Throw uppo.
- Throw uppo.
- Throw uppo.
- Hi-ya!
- Hi-ya!
No! Ah!
No, no, no you cannot
have these teeth.
I need my teeth.
I need them for chewing.
I need them for being
respectable citizen.
You're an old man.
You can live... Oh!
Get you! You took my teeth.
Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Look who's coming.
Uh-oh!
There she is.
Sorry, babe.
I ain't got no teeth.
Uh-oh! You better
watch out, boy.
You better watch out.
Come here. Come here.
Come here.
- She's gonna get you.
- Where is he going?
-I don't know!
-You just lost...
You lost the child.
-You lost him.
-All right, good.
I'm all good.
Go, go, go, go.
- Hey, monster.
- You win, I promise.
- I promise you...
- You having fun?
I punched your son for peanuts.
- It was good. How are you?
- Okay, all right.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I went out last night.
You wanna come to the pub
get a coffee with us?
I love to but I've got to go.
I got to go and get the wife
an M-O-T.
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Yeah, I figured that, all right.
Hey, kid. You're ready
to go or what?
- Hey, hello.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
- Yes.
- My son already like you
more than me.
- Come on.
- Bye, buddy.
Ah!
Uh, bye!
- Bye.
- Bye, guys.
I mean, what is that?
He picks him up.
22 second interaction.
You think it's funny?
It's a 22 second interaction.
I'm like... I'm his babysitter
right now.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I...
It fucking hurts, man.
I mean, I...
He didn't even apologize.
He didn't.
It's like he doesn't even
reckon with the fact that
he stood me up at the gig.
So maybe you should just
say it to him.
I saw him at that football game
on Instagram and I liked it.
I liked that shit.
I favorited it...
What are you, 14 years old?
I just wanted him
to know that I saw
- that he was
at the fucking game.
- It's not letting him know.
It's not letting him know.
You need to be an adult
who talks to his face.
And you just say it to him.
Don't... Why do you look like
a two-year old being...?
-Listen, I'm just
trying to say...
-Remember,
- when Sam and I were
having that weird shit.
- Yes.
What happened?
Tell me.
You... You...
What is with you?
- What did I do?
- I know.
I know. You two like
had a confrontation
- and it's...
- No. A communication.
And we got to talk
and then we were level,
and we're equal and we were
both telling fucking stories
in our heads about
what the other one did to us.
I know, you're
really good at it.
And I will do it.
That's not what I'm...
- You will?
- I will do it.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Okay.
I believe it when I see it.
Doesn't even matter anyways
because the truth is...
Ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I have Marty.
And he's a better friend...
Ouch!
Than Chris is.
He's half the size,
twice the friend.
Great.
- I got a master plan
by the way.
- Oh, yeah? What's that?
You should probably know
about that it includes you.
Um...
I was thinking, you know, like,
you got to be a piece of shit
to bring a kid into
the world right now.
I mean, like,
you got to be an idiot.
Like a moron.
- That's like no go, right?
- Right.
If you adopt you're
like an angel, but,
you know, you could...
Get a piece of crap kid.
- A real shit child.
- Wow!
- A shit child.
- Yeah.
- We don't want one of those.
- No.
There is another option.
Stealing a child.
We're gonna steal Marty.
- No.
- Boom!
- Okay.
- I just...
Whoa, you blew
my fucking mind, bro.
- Whoa!
- Frontal cortex,
-just like fucking gone.
-You know,
I give a bullshit though,
- you don't wanna steal Marty.
- No, I do.
No, you want a kid
from Inception
who you can, um,
raise in your own image
and who'll just
adore you.
- That what you want.
- That sounds pretty good.
And you'd call him Leon as well.
You'd be like "That's Leon."
But the problem is... is...
if we have a kid,
the kid's gonna adore you,
because you win
at everything in life.
Like you're A plus,
plus, plus, plus student.
It doesn't matter.
I'll fail so hard in that
'cause they gonna be like...
Dad's the greatest.
Mom's an asshole.
No, you're gonna kill it.
Are you kidding me?
Why wouldn't you be a great mom?
You're gonna be a great mom.
Yeah, sure. Why?
You're just made for it.
You're... You're...
- You're gonna be great.
- Yeah, I know.
Every fucking month I know that.
'Cause I'm fucking
bleeding down my legs.
- Jesus.
- Filling two super tampons
And a maxi pad
that's like made for a grandpa.
- Two super tampons?
- Yes.
I didn't know.
It's fucking horrible.
Yeah, it is horrible.
You have no idea.
Like it's not pretty.
It's not fucking sexy
and grounded
and shit like that.
I'm not talking about that.
No, I know... Okay.
Talking about the mind,
body, spirit.
Yeah, I don't think it worked
that way. I don't think it's...
I don't know. I don't think...
because I'm a good person
at stuff
that I'm gonna be a good mom
if I choose to have kids.
Like, that's not
an innate thing in women.
I think that's
a total misconception.
And who knows?
Why do you think that
wouldn't be
a misconception of me?
Why do you think I'd be good?
And maybe
I'm just a bit selfish.
You know, maybe
I just want to do my shit.
I have so much stuff
I want to do.
You know. Like that I...
in my bones wanna do and, like,
see and be part of.
Like I keep thinking
I'm gonna have this switch
in my head that it's gonna go,
"I'm happy and I'm ready to do
that thing that biologically
"I should want to do."
Like that so fucked.
You don't have that.
You can decide
to go another 40 years of just
doing whatever
the fuck you wanna do.
-I don't wanna go 40 years.
-You can be a dad
at 72 years old
and have this little baby
and like a four-year-old
wife-child, who's like
hot and whatever.
You could fuck that girl.
And she could be 20 and
you could be 70 years old
and impregnate her
and be like the baddest ass
fucking guy on the planet.
I'm gonna refrain from comment,
- uh, at this juncture.
- Okay.
Counselor, the defense rests
on the...
Look, no one is saying,
besides the entire society,
that you have to have children.
Like I'm not saying that.
We don't have to have kids.
You know?
I wanna have kids.
I do.
This next record,
is the basis of everything
you know in music.
- They're called The Meters.
- Okay.
- You need to know about them.
- Why?
They transmuted
real music into popular music.
They were the funnel.
They were the...
They were the fulcrum
of modern music.
It sounds familiar
because this music
is inside of every single song
you've ever heard.
It came from a heartbeat.
And it came through African,
it came through
the port of New Orleans
where slaves were playing
with European instruments,
and it came out in brass bands
and brass musicians
were playing.
And people would follow them
because somebody died
or somebody got married.
Um...
Let's feel it. Let me...
Oh, wow. Holy fucking shit.
I think we have the same bicep.
- What do you mean?
- I'm serious.
- Feel that one.
- That's really good.
- No, you have the same exact...
- It's like a half-apple.
This is on a record right now
but this is normally
never controlled.
It changes every time.
This isn't even a song.
It's just something
that happened.
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting Miss Jenna...
What's your last name?
Delancey.
Delancey. Miss Jenna Delancey.
She has achieved
absolutely nothing.
Thank you.
- I have a confession.
- Oh, God.
I was in ballet
when I was a kid.
And I had a solo where
the whole class left the stage
- and I got to stay.
- Mm-hmm.
And I was so excited
for this solo because
it was literally, like,
12 seconds.
And by myself on stage,
which is massive
- when you're ten.
- Yeah.
And backstage right before
we went on,
and Marla was like,
"Your dress is tucked
into your tights.
"We can see you underwear."
And I knew she was doing it
to fuck with me.
So I tucked all of my dress
into my tights.
Like all of that bunched in,
so it's, like, poofing out.
- Oh, my God.
- And walked out,
did my solo like that.
Got kicked out of ballet.
I bet you fucking crushed it.
Hold on.
- I have a confession.
- Uh-huh.
I wasn't always this cool.
Go on.
When I was a freshman
in high school,
- I decided to be cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- And guess what?
- What?
- It worked.
- Really?
It fucking worked.
How did you do that?
Well, first I grew my bangs.
- Your bangs?
- I grew my bangs out.
You had bangs.
That helped?
I had bangs. Yes.
And I would dye the tips blonde.
And I would chew on my bangs.
And I swear to fucking God,
it made me the coolest kid
in New Orleans.
I went from dork-fucking-city
to the coolest kid
in New Orleans.
That's why I'm here.
That's why I'm here
- in the UK right now, just...
- I'm so glad.
- Just 'cause I decided
to be cool.
- You are cool.
I hate when my dad
comes to dances.
Hm? Oh. Sorry. Sorry.
Mm.
There she is!
- I'm gonna thank you...
- I'll thank you.
Thank you for having us.
Oh, my God.
I'm coming inside.
- Hello, baby.
- Hello!
- How are ya?
- Good.
- Oh, my god.
- Good to see you.
- I know. I miss you.
- I miss you.
- Drink, babes?
- Yeah, I'll have a wine, please.
- Hi!
- Happy birthday!
Thanks for being here.
Did you get my text?
Yes, I did.
- I just didn't get a chance...
- No, don't worry.
Fucking swamped at work.
- It's fine, I'm gonna
get you a drink.
- I'm happy you're here.
- I'm happy. I love you.
- I love you too.
Whoa! I'm drunk.
I'm drunk already.
- You told me to come...
- I'm sorry I was...
- days ago.
- You must've been...
Do you know anybody in here?
- I've kinda... I've...
- Have you met anyone?
I've forgotten names.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi. Layla.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- I work with Jess.
Oh, great. Oh, awesome.
Yeah. I've heard...
I've heard amazing things
about you.
- Hi.
- Oh!
- You look gorgeous.
- Thanks. Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hello, how are you?
- How are you doing?
- Oh, my God, I'm great.
It is so good to see you
on your birthday.
- I cherish you.
- Oh, my God, thank you.
Ah!
Oh, big smush!
Happy birthday!
- What a wonderful relationship.
- Wonderful relationship. Yeah.
You're still with this guy?
Yeah, I can't help it.
There's something about him.
Something about him.
You've met Scott.
- Leon.
- Leon.
- We... Right here.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Scott.
-Yeah, this is great.
-Best friends.
This is happening.
- He says...
- So good.
- This is how we are now.
- So amazing.
That's a very long handshake.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Um, can you excuse us
for one second?
We have to shag right there.
- Wow.
- Is that cool?
-Yeah.
-Just look that way.
I'm very needy.
I'm needy and I...
- Just have that...
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
Oh, okay. Okay, good.
- That good.
- I brought a drink for you!
- She's good.
- Happy birthday!
- Oh, thank you.
- She's good?
She's good, yeah.
I'm very... She's good.
You smell like you were cooking.
- I might've cooked.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I might've cooked.
- You smelled.
- Mm-hmm.
We were conspiring.
- Really?
- In your favor.
- I can't wait.
- In your favor.
I know. I was...
I was only 12.
I've never seen
an asshole before.
I didn't... There was no...
there was no internet.
There was nothing.
So, my dad comes home.
And he blows into the...
I should have known
he was going to take a wee.
He comes in the bathroom,
he swings the door open,
this is me...
- Asshole in the mirror.
- No, no!
And I pop up, penis swings up.
We lock eyes
and I say, "Thank you."
I have no idea why.
I have no idea why.
Because you are
a well-behaved boy.
I... I was meant
to be British.
You see?
They've shipped me out here.
They were just,
like, way too polite.
No, I feel really
embarrassed saying it.
I do. I really love porn.
Not like daily, but,
quite like low grade's
quite gritty.
- That's weird.
- Yeah. I'm with you.
- A bit shaky.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Can't quite
see what's happening.
A bit shaky!
I don't know why I haven't
said this to you before.
No, you have to come to my house
on a Thursday.
On a Thursday,
this couple across the road
opens their curtains...
On a Thursday at 07:00 p.m.,
and has sex.
- No.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Real-life grainy porn.
- Yes!
- Whoo!
- Yes.
And it's really, like, athletic.
Like, she is getting in
all sorts of positions
that... that aren't
making her cum.
And I know that
for a fact, because...
- Because...
- How close are you watching?
Well, I'm there, like this
the whole time.
It's fascinating.
But... but this is what
happened to me, I swear.
Like I learnt these positions
from porn,
and I didn't cum
until last year,
- like, yeah.
- Okay.
Um, but it was because
I was, you know, like,
like all of this behind.
Oh, sexy, sexy.
And it was doing
fucking nothing for me.
Yeah, 'cause you're
just performing.
- I was performing.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's... you have
to have sex with a lady.
- Sex with women.
- That's where I'm going wrong.
Okay, 100%,
having sex with a woman
is the best way to have sex.
Don't you think...
don't you think that whole...
That's because... women feel
like that because that whole
area of our sexuality
is always through
a male gaze.
We're always doing it for...
We're always doing it
for the man.
Uh, uh, uh.
Bullshit, bullshit.
There's pressure
on men as well, like,
I've felt like a piece of meat
just the other week.
I was with this bird, right,
we're in this bar.
And it was heading that way,
but she wants to know
what I'm packing
before we go any further.
- She's like...
- Whoa.
Like, she's like
"I don't want to waste any time,
"I want a number."
A number?
Now you do have to tell us
what number you gave her.
Be kind to yourself.
I gave her a number that
was in her acceptable range.
And, you know,
we got down to some stuff.
But, I mean, to be honest, like,
it was kind of roomy down there.
- Dude.
- Oh, my God.
She... I started to see why
she was asking.
She had a big vagina.
That sounds
a little sexist there.
- Oh, yeah.
- Just a little sexist.
I'm sorry that you were
shamed on your cock size,
but you don't need to shame
all the vaginas
at the same time.
And make us into disembodied
cocks and cunts, do you?
No, I'm pretty proud
of my vagina.
- As you should be.
- I know.
- It's gorgeous.
- Pushed our son out.
- Are you two lesbians?
- Yes.
Yes, that's why...
And you have a kid?
Yes, Jake, he's very sweet.
How did you guys
do that? Did you...
Was it, like, IVF, or,
- sperm donor, or...
- Well...
Did you just get a little
turkey baster and just
shove it up your vag?
I can't believe why
nobody's asking about my cunt.
Layla, have you met Pat?
Oh!
Layla, this is...
this is Pat the cunt.
- Pat the cunt.
- Pat the cunt.
If you see him in the street,
Pat the cunt.
She told me to do that
every time.
You are in, baby.
- Well done. I like her.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God. How Jakey?
I love him. I miss him.
He is great. I mean,
he shits a lot. He does.
Yeah. But it's really...
That's what he's built for.
Yeah, I know. And he's just
doing a great job.
It's fab. Yeah.
Shall we be honest?
We've been struggling,
but we're working
on our own, babes.
Yeah, less time in my head.
More time in my body.
Still a crap mother but trying.
No, you're not at all.
And I'm like, really working
on like, remembering
who you are as a lover
as well as a friend
which is crucial 'cause
you forget the lover part.
- Yeah.
- And I'm working on that.
- Are you guys in therapy?
- Yes, we are.
No regrets.
No regrets.
But the real saver is the manny.
Oh, God bless him. Tyson.
He's a manny actually.
Was that 'cause you wanted
a male influence?
- Um, I don't think
it was that conscious.
Yes.
I mean, I just liked
his eyes though.
- They are cute. Yeah.
- And... and are you sure that
you really want a male influence
on his life anyway?
What's wrong with
having a male influence?
Nothing wrong with
having a male influence.
But there's nothing necessarily
right with it either.
And don't get me wrong,
I'm a guy, I like being a guy,
but it's like, you know,
it doesn't really matter
either way.
It's not consequential.
Yeah, yeah, I'm with
Scott, like,
Jake is... is a free man.
You know what I mean?
He doesn't have
a dad to disappoint
nor measure up to, like...
My dad was, like, in the army,
Falklands, like, medals,
all that shit, I'm like,
ten stone piss wet through.
I wasn't gonna follow that shit.
Fair enough, man.
- Whoo!
- Okay.
She can curse.
Yeah, I feel like I'm doing,
like, a macho thing right now.
- Are you?
- In work, yeah.
I'm trying to, like,
assert my power and...
'cause I'm new, and, you know,
a woman and so I'm...
trying to get people's attention
and I'll stand, like...
Like I really stand,
liked wide-legged.
You know, taking up space
'cause... 'cause otherwise
nobody listens to me.
Maybe it's 'cause you're boring.
Ha! I told you
you'd love her.
- Are you alright, babe?
- Yeah.
Obi, Obi, yeah. Tell...
tell everyone about Caroline.
Oh, the Caroline-Peter story.
Okay, you all know
Caroline and Peter?
- No.
- Well, you don't. Okay. Well...
The other week, they said,
"Oh, come and have a couple
of pints," you know,
the pub underneath
their new gaff, and I was like,
"All right, then."
So I turn up,
we have
a couple of drinks
over there for a while.
"Oh, come on,
we'll have a nightcap."
I was, "All right."
Wander on up.
A lovely new flat,
we sit down,
have a couple of beers,
then Caroline says,
"Oh, I'm just gonna
pop off to the loo."
"All right."
Peter, he leans into me.
He says, "Oh, you know,
you know we're in
an open relationship, right?"
Wow.
I was like, "No.
I was not aware
"of this information."
Uh, and he said, "Yeah, well,
me and Caroline
have been talking
"and she'd really like
to fuck you."
- Yes!
- Right. Wow.
Caroline comes back
from the bathroom,
she sits down next to me,
she says to Pete,
"Have you discussed it
with him?"
And Pete goes, "Yes."
-I'm, like,
"Oh, wow. Discussed it?"
-Oh, my God.
Next thing I know,
Pete stands up
and he just sort of...
voyeurs and she...
starts feeling up the leg.
I'm, "Oh, my God."
Flipping out.
You'd have loved it.
And...
I just feel his breath
getting closer to me,
and I was seeing
from the corner of my eye,
he's dropping his fly.
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
How am I gonna get out of this?"
She's palpitating next to me.
I'm like, "Yeah, oh, my God."
She gets this close and I think,
"How am I gonna
get out of this?"
The only thing that pops
into my head, I just say...
"I got I.B.S."
And she slowly backs away.
And his fly ascends.
Oh, my God.
And I finish my beer and leave.
Oh, my God!
I could not do that.
I could not
have an open relationship.
I could just not do it.
Can you imagine, like,
watching someone fuck
your boyfriend?
That's so weird.
- I'm in an open relationship.
- Are you?
- Cool.
- Really? How's that work?
- What do you mean?
How does it... How does
your boyfriend like that?
- He like that?
- Yeah, he does like that.
- He loves it.
- Oh, I bet he loves it.
Yeah. He gets to fuck whoever
he fucking wants to fuck.
- So do I.
- Right.
Yeah, but it's different
for guys.
- It's different for guys,
it's different for girls.
How?
-Sex...
Sex is different for men.
-Why?
Well, 'cause it's a penis
as opposed to a vagina
so it's an external experience
as opposed to
an internal experience.
- It's bullshit.
- No, it's not because...
It is. It's bullshit.
You're buying into
the male narrative.
No. No. It's bio...
I... I... I think
I would give it a go.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You're together. Yeah?
- Yeah.
How long have you been together?
Um, 1.25 years.
Okay, so you're still sort of
in a honeymoon phase,
would you say?
I don't think that's a phase.
We're at a hundred.
Well, whatever phase you are in,
I'm sorry to break it to you,
but it's gonna end and then,
inevitably, you'll want
to fuck other people.
Yeah, but we're not
monkeys, right?
- Are you calling me a monkey?
- Well, no.
I mean, okay, okay, you said
I'm a human being, right?
I'm a human being,
I have consciousness.
And I know that
I love Leon and I respect him,
and I want to cherish that.
I wanna defend that.
I have that with my boyfriend.
I love somebody. And he gets...
he gets all of me,
he gets my good bits,
my shit bits, my crazy,
- my vulnerability,
my everything.
- Right.
I also get to have fucking sex.
Yeah, but, I mean,
but that's like fucking...
I'm sorry, but this is
chopping yourself up
into all these pieces.
- How?
- Because you just said it.
You just fucking said it.
You did, sorry.
You just said it.
- No.
- You said that you have to...
No, but what
I'm saying is...
- Let me say something.
You said I have to give him
this-that, this-that,
you name out all the things.
I didn't say have to,
I just get sex.
I said I want to.
Yeah, but I also want to fuck.
I also want to get my rocks off.
Do you wanna be a victim?
Do you wanna be a victim?
No, I'm not a victim.
I'm not... Listen.
If anybody in this situation
is cutting themselves
off from something,
I think it's you.
Okay, fair enough. Fair enough.
Me and Pat are having
an experience right now.
I wanna pee-pee.
Um, can you give me a spot?
I need a spot, guys,
'cause of the size of it and...
- And the weight of the thing.
- There are lesbians present.
He's got a very girthy...
I have to kind of get in there
and lift his little elbows up.
Oh, I get to hold
my boyfriend's dick.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Nothing.
I'm sorry.
Happy birthday.
I have a confession.
Um, my dad doesn't like me
and I'm never going
to get over it.
Just put that
in the pocket,
and you know,
do whatever you will.
My brother's an alcoholic
and he's been in rehab
for ten years on and off.
- Okay.
- So...
- Whatever.
- I guess you win.
I win?
That's what I was trying to do.
- Out... out-drama-ing you.
- Yeah.
- No way.
- No?
- No.
- That's good.
- Do that.
- Stop!
- Do that.
- I don't want to.
- Okay, again.
- Okay, I want you
to be brave now.
- Be super brave.
- Okay.
This is fucking gorgeous.
I'm gonna sell this
to all the Bedouin porn sites.
It will be incredible.
That's really good.
Can I see one eye?
That's a good eye.
Oh, God, look, there's teeth.
I don't want to...
I don't want to alarm you.
- But I saw your teeth.
- My teeth are so bad.
Okay, no, I shouldn't
get too excited.
- Don't.
- Okay.
There's no better photoshoot
than this one.
Yeah. Wait.
Where are you going?
I don't like it back here.
You don't like it back there?
- Let's get out of here.
- I'm going to emerge.
Really?
Hold on. Hold on.
Just two seconds.
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
Okay. And... Okay.
I'm just trying to recover from
that period.
That just, that moment.
What happens next?
I don't know.
What do you want me to do?
- I don't... It's not me.
- Tell me what to do.
I... I... I will never
tell you what to do.
- I'm just here to witness.
- Okay.
I see what you're doing.
I see what you're doing.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
- You see it?
- I see it.
Okay.
That shit is going down
right now.
I am the strongest
woman in the world!
Yeah, yeah.
- I am a demigod.
- Yes!
Holy shit.
Oh! Oh!
Yeah.
Yes!
You okay?
This is good.
Here we are.
Okay.
Here.
What is this?
It's a time machine.
Yeah. It's a time machine.
What?
To go back to the moment
that everything changed.
I know.
I know this can't
replace what was lost.
I'm here to say
that I'm sorry
that it did get destroyed
at the party before
you went to Japan.
It was Pat,
and I'm sorry I was a coward
and I didn't say
anything to you.
And I worked really hard
with your dad,
we went through
family photo albums
and we saw it in the back
of some photographs,
and I brought it to the guy
right over that hill,
who's a proper Welshman
who recreated it,
and it's never gonna
be the same.
But it's just my way of saying
that I'm owning up to it.
And I see you and I understand
what you were feeling.
And just trying to go
back to the moment
where it changed for us,
and this is the moment.
And I know
I can't fix it with this,
but I'm just trying to say
that I know.
And I'm sorry.
And I wanna be happy with you,
like we were before.
Before this.
Whoo.
I had sex with Scott.
When?
When?
In Japan.
And when you went to Manchester.
How did it happen?
I don't know.
Be fucking honest with me.
- You want me to tell you?
- Yeah.
I...
We were out with clients
after a really good shoot.
We had a big day.
And it was all so much fun.
And it just went so well and...
I got drunk.
We all got drunk and...
I didn't even think
of Scott that way.
I've never thought of him
that way before.
- Shut the fuck up.
- I've never...
You gotta tell me the truth.
He wanted to go
this after hours,
so we did that
and it was this weird bar.
It was like...
There were pink walls.
This one big pink wall
by the bathroom.
It's all neon,
and so it back-lit,
everything. It made
people's silhouette.
And I was standing there
waiting to go
to the bathroom. And...
And this guy came up to me
and he just...
grabbed me and kissed me and...
I didn't know who it was and...
Come on.
Stop lying.
You knew it was Scott.
It felt really good
to be kissed like that.
That energy, you know?
And you fucked him in the hotel?
Yeah. Yeah.
How big was the pink wall?
- Neon wall by the bathroom?
- What?
The tall, the big neon thing
that you were...
Big. I don't know.
It was big.
- To the ceiling?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Up the whole bar
or just the bathroom?
Just the...
That's a lot.
Did you fuck him in our bed
- when I went to Manchester?
- No.
Anybody else?
- No. Not really, no.
- Not really?
No, I didn't fuck
anybody else, no.
Why him?
- Why Scott?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
- Come on.
- It's not about Scott.
Come on. Come on.
It's not about him,
it's about me and you.
It's about you guys
because you were
fucking in Japan
when I was at home
wanking off to you...
- No, no, no.
- On my birthday.
Don't pretend that
this is some victim shit.
You are involved in this too.
This is about me and you.
I just feel like
I'm disillusioned with us.
Disillusioned. That's...
Don't be so fucking polite.
You know, I'm sick and tired
of being terrified of,
of disappointing you,
of not living up to your
impossible fucking standards.
I'm sick of being
terrified of you.
You're fucking terrifying.
You're scary.
And I don't have any ambition.
Maybe I don't.
I don't know.
So what? Don't do that.
Don't do that. No, no, no. No.
You don't get to write me off
like a little...
pathetic little boy.
I'm disappointed
to hear you say that.
I care about other stuff.
You... You can't.
You don't even know.
- Like what?
- You don't take
the time to listen.
I care about family,
I care about friends.
- I care about relationships.
- I care about that too.
- You don't.
- Yes, I do.
- You don't.
- I'm not a fucking robot.
- No one in this world...
- No, I am a human being.
- I'm not a fucking robot.
- Thinks that you care about
anybody other than yourself
and your fucking work.
Your friends come to me
crying and bitching and moaning
'cause you're not there
and I defend you.
And I'm wrong because
you're not there.
You think that I don't
feel that, that I don't know
that you guys talk about me,
that I'm not there?
Like... I know.
I know that.
Then what are you doing?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just... I don't wanna have
to stop myself.
I don't have to make myself
small for you
so you don't feel
fucking insecure.
- I'm so sorry.
- I don't wanna
have to do that.
- I'm so sorry it's so painful...
- You shouldn't have to do that.
For you to have a fucking
sensitive person in your life.
I think you're fucking happy
I went and fucked Scott.
- Oh, God, you're unbelievable.
- Yeah, 'cause now
you can be a fucking martyr.
-You're fucking loving it.
You love it.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
This is what guys do.
They push people away
so they can feel loved.
Shut up with the fucking
male stereotypes.
You're so full of shit.
You're so much better
than this, Leon.
You're so much fucking
better than this.
I want you to do the thing
you want to do.
I don't want you to be, like,
ignoring all this shit
that you love.
Like, you wanna be
a photographer,
why aren't you
a fucking photographer?
Stand up for that.
Stand up for yourself.
Do something.
You wanna be an assistant
the rest of your life?
That's not what
I wanted to say to you.
I... I don't...
You're my best friend.
I fucking love you.
I love spending time with you.
You're so beautiful.
You're fucking open
and beautiful,
and creative and artistic,
you know, I look up to you.
You're amazing.
I want you to do that.
I want you to be...
be that.
Did you ever wanna
have kids with me?
I don't know.
Thank you.
I know I haven't done
the stuff I'm supposed to do.
I'm disappointed in myself.
And I know that
I've been very fearful,
and I have been very difficult.
And very lazy.
And...
I've been really terrified that
you're gonna leave me behind.
I'm gonna be a great dad.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
I'm not perfect.
And I'm real sorry.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to stop.
I don't want to stop.
I don't know how to say this
to you, I don't know.
I don't wanna just...
wad along and not
do something with myself.
I wanna do shit.
I really do.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
I need people
to say that I'm good.
I love it when people
say that I'm good too.
I want that always.
But when I get it, I say,
"No, no, no.
"Shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up."
- Okay.
- But that's just to
make them say it more.
- And really mean it
- That's good. Oh.
- Do you get more that way?
- Oh, yeah.
'Cause I just smile or tear up.
Think I'm getting
bored to death of it.
What are you talking about?
- I have a confession.
- Okay.
I'm a manipulative bitch.
I accept that.
Do you have to accept it?
'Cause I made you accept that.
- You're very good.
- You didn't even know
I did it.
- You're very good.
- Tell me I'm not good at all.
- I'm not good.
- You're very good.
- No, stop, stop.
- You're very good.
- Stop, I'm not.
- You're very good, Jenna.
Stop! Oh, it makes me
nervous when you say that.
- It does, huh?
- See?
What?
Oh, my God, you just did it!
I wanted you to tell me
you liked me more.
You just did it.
What time is it?
I don't care.
- What?
- Sorry.
What? What was that?
I just have this
feeling sometimes.
- Hm.
- I'm just about to fall.
My body's like, "No."
It wakes me up.
- With laughing?
- Yeah.
That's the most
horrible thing in the world.
I know it.
- I have to tell you something.
- Hm.
When you leave this apartment,
I'm gonna be devastated.
I really don't like
to stay over.
I don't like boys.
But I like you.
You're a cool dude.
I didn't even think...