Ah, Warsaw!
A city of modern technology.
City of Lovers!
And no lonely heart need be left behind.
With a compelling enough profile,
true love is just a click away.
Finding the love of your life
is the fun part. But living with it...
can be its own kind of hell.
When it comes to love,
can you be sure of anything?
You think Hugh Grant ever settled down
with Julia Roberts in Notting Hill?
Or Bogart left for the Canaries
with that French captain from "Casablanca"
and opened a nightclub?
There's a reason
romantic movies never get a sequel.
It's because there's no such thing
as Happily Ever After in real life.
PLANET SINGLE 2
When you think about it,
in all of history there's only been
a handful of truly great love stories.
Tristan and Isolde.
Lancelot and Guinevere.
Kristen Stewart...
and that vampire from "Twilight".
This show...
is a grand tribute to true love.
Madam, gentlemen,
I give you The Miracle of Christmas!
For the first time
in the history of Polish TV,
a live Christmas Special
sponsored by Planet Single
and hosted by Poland's
most celebrated couple,
Ania Kwiatkowska
and Tomek Wilczynski!
This year, we're giving Poland
the gift of love!
Go on.
For millions of people, Tomek and Ania
represent a modern day Cinderella story.
Proof positive that two seemingly
completely different people
can come together
through the miracle of modern technology
and end up sharing
a deep, profound, analog love.
It's beautiful. It's timely. It's--
Bullshit!
You don't want a boyfriend but
Prince fucking Charming on a white horse
in an ivory tower!
What I want is an adult,
not a selfish impulsive little boy!
- I am not impulsive!
- Really!
I'd rather be impulsive than boring,
fearing any risk all my life!
- I am not boring!
- Oh yeah?
When was the last time you took a risk?
I started dating you, didn't I?
And immediately started
trying to change me!
You'd better change!
A 40 who won't grow up!
I'm 39! Won't be 40 for another 3 months!
Come here!
What do you mean, "grow up"?
Get married? Have kids?
That's growing up?
- What's wrong with that?
- Nothing!
It's great living in a jail cell!
She loves him.
I hate you!
He loves her.
Hope someone drops a piano on you!
You're the most immature,
- You're the most insecure, know-it-all...
- self-absorbed, pig-headed...
- person I've met!
- person I've met!
It's heartwarming.
Know what, Marcin?
It's Marcel.
As just an executive of this network,
I may not be "hip"
to all the current Internet "fads".
Still, I've got a MySpace account
like everyone else.
Yet I fail to see how your Christmas show
would fit our branding strategy.
And I doubt our Planet Single
partners would even consider invest--
Excuse me.
Yes, sir, good morning.
Yes, but--
Yes, sir.
Congratulations.
Your show is on.
Really?
And it'd better go
exactly how you've described.
It will be perfect.
Nobody's perfect!
Real people fight!
They fart! They disagree!
People have flaws,
but need to work on them!
You mean,
I need to work on them!
- Good boy.
- You're turning into your mother!
- I'll take that as a compliment.
- She's a bitch!
So she's a little cold.
At least I'm not ashamed of
my family like you are!
- You know nothing about my family!
- Exactly!
- What's this?
- Can't you see?
- I'm leaving you.
- The hell you are!
I'm leaving you !
Oh, please!
Stop acting like such a baby.
What's that?
My suitcase.
I always keep it packed just in case.
See?!
You've never been committed
to this relationship!
Relationship?
You want a goddamn fairy tale!
Where are you going?
This is your house!
I'll buy another!
Fine!
I'm still the one leaving you!
SINGLE
Tomek Wilczynski is now SINGLE
SINGLE
Jerk.
"The Wolf" is back.
Mom?
- Mo--
- Ania?
Mom?
Why do you look...
so incredible?
It's just a little cut and color.
You like it?
Yeah, except...
You look like a stranger!
What did he do?
You were right...
- I shouldn't have wasted my time...
- I know, dear.
MESSAGE FROM SILVERFOX
- Sorry, one sec...
- You're using... Planet Single?
Sweetheart, I hate to abandon you
at a time like this,
but I already made plans.
Who's Silverfox?
It's a "nick".
I know what a nick is!
You're off to a date
and don't even know his name?
Oh, please! It's not a date.
- I hope not.
- Just a hookup.
- A what?!
- That's my cab.
Help yourself to some ice cream.
- We'll talk later.
- Where are you going?
When will you be back?
Ania! I'm 55 years old.
Do you mind?
I'm trying to meditate!
Well, excuse me, Mahatma Gandhi.
Namaste.
It's over with Tomek. I moved out.
Breathe, Ania.
When the breath wanders,
the mind is unsteady.
Such a jerk!
You know what he said?
That I'm turning into my mom!
For one, your mom
has an amazing haircut.
- Ola, I'm being serious.
- Me too!
It took me four hours to do it!
I'm watching!
Where are the boxes from my room?
Ask the guru over there.
Mom, where are all my boxes?
I need my leather jacket.
We donated them.
We need room for the nursery.
What? And nobody asked me?
Do I even live here anymore?
Zosia!
Your aggression is blocking my chakras.
Disrupting my energy flow!
How can I expect to have a perfect birth?
Whatevs, I'm off.
- See ya.
- Look,
shall I come by tomorrow
with some amazing home-brewed kombucha?
You'll feel like a new woman.
I know.
I know it's painful now, hon,
but try to stay positive.
As Paneer says, "Pain
is the coffee your soul needs
to wake up."
Bye.
Coffee?
"Pain is coffee"?
Another nugget of wisdom from your "guru"?
His name is Paneer.
You could learn a lot from him.
Did it ever occur to you that women,
for thousands of years,
have given birth without yoga?
You think some crusty old fakir
can teach you new tricks?
Paneer is a 7th level master.
They're all the same!
Shriveled old farts
who think they know everything 'cause they
hallucinated it during a colon cleanse!
Mr. Expert, why don't you
come to a class?
Show us what you know?
Gladly! Just tell me when!
Wednesday.
- Silverfox?
- Yes, it's me.
Have a seat, please.
You look a little more...
mature than your picture.
Come on.
It's only a few years old.
We are on the verge of
a watershed moment in history.
Using big data...
and predictive analytics...
we have created the first...
infallible algorithm
for human compatibility.
We have called it...
Gravity.
We're launching it this Christmas Eve...
only on Planet Single.
Marcel!
Why don't you pick up? Hours ago
you texted me you're around.
You've been drinking.
How's the pitch meeting?
- We got it.
- We did?
The Christmas Special!
Really?
That's terrific!
What Christmas Special?
The one we discussed
in the summer!
You and Ania as co-hosts.
First Christmas Eve live show on TV!
What?
Broke up? How?
Normally. Donezo. Finito. Kaput!
You must be together.
Ten million households
are waiting for you! lt'll be a hit!
Are you nuts?
A Christmas carols night?
What's next, a hemorrhoid cure commercial?
May I remind you
we haven't worked in six months?
I walked in for a latte today
and went out with an application!
You were to pitch 13 episodes
of our next show!
- That was the plan!
- They wouldn't listen.
How could they not have?
Our show's finale had record viewers!
You walked out of a live show!
Every network thinks
you're a loose cannon.
There must be other options!
- That LA guy keeps calling.
- See?
What was that about?
Featured puppeteer, streaming TV.
Featured?
And it's not even real TV?
Fine, let's do the Christmas show--
Great! Yes! I have so many ideas!
But I'm not reading any
stupid-ass Christmas wishes.
- No wishes. Sure.
- And no puppets.
- But people love them.
- No puppets!
Oh!
Good luck getting Ania to sign up.
It's gonna take a miracle!
Christmas is a miracle!
WINTER IS COMING
Bravo!
Hi.
Kids, we have a visitor!
Good morning, Principal!
Good morning, children!
I've got great news.
You've all been selected
to perform live on network television!
What? How come?
It's a dream come true for our students
but also for our fine institution.
How did--
Don't forget we're doing
transpositions on Friday!
Ela! Notebooks!
Is it here? OK.
It truly is a formative experience,
which should teach them a lot of courage.
It does sounds like an opportunity.
I'm glad you agree.
Besides, you'll be the perfect host!
Wait, what? Host?
Who better to represent our school?
Come on, Bogdan. I've never been on TV.
The stage fright alone...
What stage fright?
You perform all the time,
- it's exactly the same thing.
- It's not the same at all!
There's going to be cameras!
What about my duties?
All my classes!
Don't worry.
I've found you a substitute!
Radek, come in, please.
Radek Zawadzki.
Meet Ania Kwiatkowska.
- Hi.
- He'll take over your classes.
Have you taught any children?
No, but I have a couple nephews.
He's a family man!
And a music degree.
I see.
And where do you work now?
Now? At a cafe.
Wednesdays, at a piano lounge.
- And I drive a cab part-time.
- He's an excellent driver, too.
Never mind the details!
Your kids will be fine.
My father was a cab driver.
I see.
I don't know. Bogdan, I mean...
is this what's best for the school?
It's not just best for the school.
It's what best for our country!
Fine.
That's the spirit!
Look, you know what?
There's just this one
tiny little detail...
Absolutely not!
Think I'll share a stage with that jerk
and pretend we're dating?
You're out of your mind!
Told you so.
Will you tell him to shut up?
Will you tell her to stop shouting?
Tell him I'd rather walk into
oncoming traffic than do a show with him!
- Tell her the street's that way!
- Guys!
Let's be adults, please.
It's only till Christmas.
You won't have to contact each other
outside the studio.
Aside from PR commitments.
Your students will get to perform
in front of millions of people!
This can change their lives.
And the two of you,
as soon as it's over,
can officially part ways.
Everyone wins! What do you say?
Marcel, dear...
Even if I were to agree,
I'm no presenter.
I'd embarrass myself
and ruin your show.
Didn't I tell you?
You can't take a risk!
Fine.
But we'll need some ground rules.
No hand holding.
No touching off camera.
Fine by me.
And absolutely, under no circumstances
will there be kissing!
Thank God.
As soon as the show's over,
so are we.
Can't wait.
Great!
Now, squeeze in
and pretend you like each other.
Yes. Now, say:
"Christmas Eve!"
"Christmas Eve!"
Three things we badly need:
- a huge sparkling star, a beacon of hope.
- A beacon of hope.
Velvet curtain, from top to bottom.
Say... burgundy?
Yup. And snow. Snow everywhere.
It's gotta be freezing
just from looking at it.
For the know-how, ask someone.
Set designer? Prop guy?
- Set designer.
- Right.
For lunch we're having
15 beef, five vegan...
No, just vegan. We don't eat reindeer.
Reindeer costumes!
Check the dressing room.
Zoska!
Didn't you wear this yesterday, too?
It's ecofriendly to rewear clothes.
The Miracle of Christmas!
Welcome everyone on Good Morning Sunrise
with Poland's "it" couple,
Ania and Tomek!
So, any truth to those breakup rumors?
None at all.
But, Ania,
didn't your Planet Single status
briefly change to "Single"?
That was... You see...
It's all orchestrated.
Part of the viral ad campaign
for our Christmas show!
Exactly! A practical joke.
Tomek, he just loves to joke.
It's better than being boring,
I mean, bored! Right, honey?
Tomek,
was it a hard transition for you,
from "ladies' man" to "boyfriend"?
I don't like slapping labels on things.
Ania?
Well, it's thanks to labels
we can tell sugar and arsenic apart.
Or where the exits are in a fire.
Yes, Ania is so great at finding exits.
I love him so much I could just choke him.
Bogdan!
Are you ready yet?
Where is this lout?
- We're going to be late!
- Hold your horses!
"Patience is bitter,
but its fruit is sweet."
Finally.
What is this?
What?
- You said to dress comfortably.
- Yes, for yoga!
Not a gas station hit!
Come on! This look is classic!
I liked how you said all the uhhh's.
So cool.
This is degrading! What am I doing here?
You chose to sign that contract.
So stop playing the victim for once!
Just to be clear,
I'm not doing this for myself.
It's for my school and kids!
Oh, please.
We both know why you're doing this.
You're just trying to win our break-up!
Win our break--
Oh, that's just--
What are you on about?
You just want to show me how you're brave
and I was wrong, blah, blah, blah.
Everything's not about you,
you... narcissist!
By the way...
what will you get out of this?
A new show next year.
Well, I hope it's a bust.
At least I'll have a bust!
And not just one decorating the piano.
Calm down!
Here he comes.
Namaste, class!
Namaste, Paneer!
Oh!
I see... we have a new guest today.
Namaste!
Hajime.
Her womb is resonating
with your masculine energy.
It'll be a boy.
You're glowing.
Did you tell him?
Let's begin!
Great, yes...
Good.
Relax this spot and breathe.
Then stretch. Yes.
Here you are.
Beautiful.
Ola!
Great, loosely, yes.
Use your rear muscles
to support your partner.
It's what I'm doing!
That's it exactly!
And now, a deep stretch.
Support her!
Deeper!
Ola, your sacral chakra is open so wide!
That's it! Keep opening!
Opening!
Yes!
Yes!
No!
Jeez! Zoska!
Hey.
You slept here?
Yeah, I finished late.
Do your parents know?
They surely didn't notice.
All they talk about is the baby.
It's normal. Having a baby can
make a mess of any relationship.
Yeah.
When the baby arrives,
they'll finally have a perfect new family.
And I'll be sidelined,
a scrap of a broken marriage.
My dad hardly ever spoke to me.
Really?
I thought he was disappointed
with my being... odd.
My mom left when I was little.
Maybe Dad and I just blamed each other.
When I was your age,
I thought Dad hated me.
When I realized I was wrong,
it was too late to change anything.
Don't make the same mistake.
Ola and Bogdan are good people.
They're a little weird, but OK.
Reasonably so.
Give them time, it'll all work out.
Did it all work out with your mom?
Marcel!
It's Beata's agent.
They're on their way... over here.
Yes, we're here!
Can't wait... It's Marcel.
Rise and shine, kiddo!
The show won't make itself.
No, no!
lgor, quit throwing this!
- How about a little help?
- They're just kids.
Are you one, too?
Okay, come on now, scram.
Turn right!
Wait up!
Marcel!
Did you get Beata's wish list?
Yes, Kamil gave it to me.
An unlimited supply of
Princessa bars, foot bath...
- A crate of Baczewski vodka?
- Yes!
And green tea ice cubes.
Of course.
The stage!
Small.
Look. Do you see?
Look what they did to my...
Szymon!
What are you doing, dimwit?!
No one told me Wilczynski'd be here!
I'm playing hangman.
It's not a hanged man! This is Szymon!
You fat blob!
Fat blob!
I'm not fat!
- I just have a problem with my glands.
- Why, did you eat them?!
He's just a little boy!
Not so little!
Tell him to grow up then!
Olaf is troubled,
and already bullied by the other kids.
So please, stop screaming at him.
He started it!
Just stay away from my kids!
Then keep them away from my props!
Lovers' quarrel.
The dressing rooms are this way.
Oh...
Come on!
Can I help?
No, thanks.
How did you do that?
Any door can be opened,
you just need the right key.
Hang on...
You're the Planet Single guy!
Alex. Correct.
Hi. Ania.
I know. Nice to finally meet you.
Sorry...
I'm a bit dazed.
It's my first time hosting a TV show.
And it's my first time...
rescuing a Princessa.
That was a good one.
Hey, puppet boy!
I think I know that perfume.
Jameson No. 5.
Surprise, surprise.
All these years, still an asshole.
Except now you're hosting
Christmas Specials.
Isn't it a bummer?
I've got a kitchen to remodel.
What's your excuse?
Your stupid skits done ruined my career.
I never had sex with a dwarf!
Certainly not on drugs!
Your skit almost sent me to rehab!
It's got a state-of-the-art projector.
Yeah?
- It's like the Hubble telescope.
- Sounds incredible.
I'm their boss, so if you'd like
to check it out sometime...
Really?
How's tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.
- Will Tomek join us?
- He has other plans.
So?
- 8 p.m.?
- 8 p.m.?
- Cool!
- Cool!
Here's my number.
CONTACT ADDED
So...
see you tomorrow?
See you tomorrow.
I thought about what I'd tell you
if we ever got face to face.
So did I.
What are you doing?
You're playing a bitch just
to turn me on. And you know what?
- It's working.
- It is?
Wilczynski, you wolf!
I had no idea you felt this way.
We're adults.
We don't need to play games.
What about Ania?
When the cat's away, the mice will play.
Pig.
Hey, what are we doing?
We have to stop this, we are not animals.
No, we... no.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Kuba, do you have the instruments?
Two, four...
Here, your sheet music.
Girls...
Marcel!
I've been looking for you.
- What's this?
- Tarty Ticklers.
Whoa!
Turkey's most famous burlesque troupe.
They have over 20 million
views on the Internet!
You should see their dance moves!
Hey, babe!
Hey, do you like guitar players?
Fine, but why are they here?
Marcel, the Internet is
a strange and interesting place.
How do they work with our show?
An excellent question, young man!
But you're the creative one here.
You make it work!
Is no one coming to pick you up?
What do you care?
Look,
I'm sorry about earlier.
It wasn't personal. I'm just...
being an asshole sometimes.
Truce?
I hear the other kids
give you a hard time.
What's that about?
They pick on me in PE class.
Call me names in the shower.
What kind of names?
Horse-cock.
Giant dick.
Tripod.
- Seriously?
- 'Course not!
What do you think they call me?
That was a good one!
Made it up yourself?
You've got talent, kid!
Thanks.
"Tripod"...
Are you and Ms. Ania really dating?
Sure, why?
You act like you
hate each other.
That's just how adults do.
Women are strange.
I'd treat her better.
Give me a break, kid.
What do you know about chicks?
Plenty.
I've got Internet on my phone, see?
Jesus, kid!
Why even watch this?
Everybody watches it. Don't you?
What I mean is
women should be treated with respect.
Then you shouldn't talk to
Ms. Ania like that.
PANEER YOGA WARSAW
- Who's that?
- Huh?
I'm checking potential PE teachers.
Nice guns.
Anyone can have those.
You should've seen me in my youth.
I worked out nonstop. Not like you kids,
heads in the phones all day.
Anyway, want to hear what I've been up to?
The internship's going well,
Marcel's giving me responsibilities.
And I've been thinking of
getting a tattoo of the devil on my chest.
Huh?
Yeah, cool, sounds good.
FROM FAMILY FEUD TO A HIT APP
HOW A 17-YEAR-OLD MADE
A PARENTS-AND-KIDS COMMUNICATOR
"Marcel Galinski" "family"
"Find people with family name Galinski"
Places everyone. Quiet!
Gravity Commercial:
Season of Love, take 1.
And... action!
Good evening!
I'm Tomek Wilczynski.
And I'm Ania Kwiato...
Kwiatkowska.
Stop!
Season of Love, take 2.
Hello!
- Tomek Wilczynski...
- And Ania Kwiato... Kwiatkowska!
Maybe give them some notes?
More energy, please.
Welcome! Tomek Wilczynski...
And Ania Kwiatow...
And Ania Kwiatkowska.
Kwiatkowska is your name.
Stop!
...gives us the greatest gift of all.
A chance for...
A chance for...
Season of Love, take 13.
Action.
Due to the use of me... tadata...
"Take", your favorite word!
...will find us the most conta...
compatible...
Crap!
Sorry!
Action!
- Should I say it?
- No! Once more.
I'll say it.
I'm saying "action."
- Go ahead.
- Action.
...will find us the most compa...
Compatible! Fuck!
Compatible!
Take 116.
Action.
Action.
Action.
Fuck it, I can't work in these conditions.
This was great. Best one yet!
Let's take a break.
What's with that screen?
- You ruined such a good take!
- Hey, Marcel!
We're doing great! And you hired
Turkish strippers for the show. Nice!
It's not me. It's Kamil
and his "online wonders".
I thought you had full creative control?
- So did I.
- Say,
wanna make me happy?
Hire a talking dog.
- Mr. Marcel Galinski?
- Yes.
- Sign here, please.
- What's this?
I just deliver them.
Thank you.
Isn't it a disaster?
Relax.
Trust me, I've seen worse.
At least you guys look good together.
Thanks.
In fact, I'd say you've almost
got everyone fooled.
What?
Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.
What do you mean?
Tomek and I are a couple.
"ALEXANDER: We still on for 20:00?"
Right.
Just like me and Borys.
"ANIA: Sure!"
My lips are sealed.
The tickets are in, they look great!
- You wanted to see me?
- Close the door.
What's going on?
I'd like an explanation for this.
That's your mom.
A Christmas miracle!
How many laws did you break
for me to get this?
Well...
They could jail you for this!
- I tried to help?
- Who asked you?
Did I ask you to dig up my past
or invade my privacy?
I know you meant well.
But you can't do that.
I'm sorry. I won't do it again.
That is all.
This is a state-of-the-art birthing tub.
It is so relaxing, some women
have even experienced orgasmic birth!
Told you so.
And this is our birthing hammock.
It has also seen plenty of action.
Follow me!
Our "Moist Lotus" birth center
brings children into the world,
but also helps guide them through it.
Our daycare,
based on the principles of yoga,
teaches both meditation and discipline...
Ola, have you completed
your birthing plan?
Yes!
I'd like natural light only, or candles.
And for everyone present
to speak in whispers.
Some relaxing music. Maybe Sting?
Good.
Let's discuss the placenta.
Yes, please.
We have a variety of menu items
to choose from,
but most of our clients select
- the smoothie.
- The smoothie.
Oh, great, fantastic.
I'm famished!
Number 4 looks nice.
Extra chunky.
For connoisseurs!
Are we cannibals? Not enough to give
birth, we must eat what's left behind?
Can't we have the baby
in a regular hospital?
Hospitals are where people
go to die, not to be born!
Zosia was born without this mumbo-jumbo!
All Teresa needed was three anesthetics
and 12 hours to get it done!
I'm not Teresa, got it?!
It might be nothing to you,
but it's my first birth
and I want it to be perfect!
But some fakir?
What do we know about this Paneer guy?
You'll get to know him.
He's coming over for Christmas Eve.
What?!
How? Can't he ruin
his own family's Christmas?
He has no family in Poland,
so I've invited him.
It's the Christian thing to do!
- Is he even a Christian?
- Jesus wasn't even a Christian!
A few of my relationships didn't work out
and I realized the waste of time.
The endless compromises,
the needless pain.
A puzzle begging to be solved:
how to avoid all that?
By hooking up random strangers?
Planet Single was the first step.
People misuse it.
Gravity will change that.
Because it magically places everyone
with their perfect match.
It's science, not magic.
Sounds wonderful.
But isn't it too good to be true?
At least you won't have to
waste six months to realize
someone isn't a good match.
It's starting.
See those streaks?
It's the Amor asteroids.
Do you really think two people
can be together without compromising?
In a perfect match,
there's no need to fight.
No need to pretend or change.
You can be yourself.
- You know, first asteroids--
- I need to tell you something.
I want to be honest.
You're no longer together.
Is it that obvious?
You don't have to pretend with me.
Mom?
Mom!
You pervert!
- Raping an elderly lady?!
- Excuse me--
Don't, Ania!
Ania, stop it!
Stop!
Ania!
Radek?
Why are you here?
I live here! And you?
I'm on a date!
With my mother?!
That... is your mother?
- You know each other?
- Yes.
He fills in for me. At school!
And they let you around children?!
- God!
- It isn't what you think!
I don't know what it is!
It's The Phantom of the Opera.
She teaches music, she should know.
Ania!
- Ania, try to understand...
- What's there to understand?
He could be my brother.
My younger brother!
Did I plan for this to happen?
How could I know it'd end up this way?
Have you any idea how hard it is
for a woman my age to meet a sensible guy?
Trust me, it isn't easy.
Oh God, you look like my wife!
Know what?
I just realized I'm too young
to date older women.
Your place... or mine?
I didn't set out to date a younger man.
You can't help
who fate brings into your life.
Is that... Dad's kimono?
Is it?
Fits like a glove.
Think I'm gonna be sick.
Are you ready?
Let's all go down to the manger
To see Jesus and the Virgin
Hail the tiny Holy Baby
And the blessed Virgin Mary
Hail the tiny Holy Baby
And the virgin Bloody Mary
Stop playback!
Break!
Nice outfit.
Leave me alone.
Bad night?
You wish.
Wonderful night.
Yeah?
Had a date.
Oh.
Sex good?
We didn't have sex.
Then you had a meeting, not a date.
I had a date.
Not all men are horny dogs.
Sure they are.
Some are just better at hiding it.
The man I was with last night
is a gentleman.
He'd never think of--
Having sex with you?
That's sad.
A Memory of Three Months Ago
Now that was a date.
Tomasz Wilczynski,
report to dressing room.
Sorry.
- Excuse me.
- Sure.
I used to learn your songs,
dreamt of meeting you,
and now you're invited to my show!
Your voice...
My voice, pal, is my instrument.
I work hard to keep it finely tuned.
Marcel! I've been looking for you.
Sir, please meet Witold,
the man with the golden voice!
And I'd like you to meet Leroy,
the Balloon Popping Dog!
He just broke the world record
in popping balloons with his mouth.
Over 60 million views on YouTube!
Sir, this is ridiculous!
What does it have to do with Christmas?
You tell me, Marcel.
You tell me.
Hello?
Jesus.
Beata!
What... are you doing here?
Waiting for you.
- Still hiding vodka in your tea?
- Whiskey.
A tiny drop.
Your fur broke loose.
It won't run. It's vegan.
Been thinking of your words.
- What words?
- Why play games?
I took you for a big bad wolf,
not a shy sheep.
Why?
Beata, look...
Don't get the wrong impression--
So give me the right one!
Hold on. Wait. Please...
Oh yes!
- Bea--
- Exactly!
Let me go, I can't breathe!
You wolf, you!
- Oh yes!
- Let go!
- Beata!
- Yes!
Let go!
Tomek, I'd like to...
Excuse me.
Ania!
Came to tell me something?
You love me? Can't live without me?
No. Never mind.
Jealous, eh?
That sting you a little?
You wish!
Well, it's nice to know you still care.
I don't.
Do whatever... whomever you want.
In six weeks it'll all be over
and we won't see each other again.
I can hardly wait!
That asshole.
It's so typical.
Men can't stand it when a woman
is coping without them.
I don't know why I'm so upset.
I should not be jealous!
It was me who dumped him!
What am I to do?
Ania...
To open a door to the future,
you must close the door to the past.
Every time I open a door
there are people having sex behind it!
We both know he's a disgusting pig!
An overgrown child. And women like us
need real men in our lives!
Maybe he deserves another chance?
Are you crazy?
This other guy is much younger
and incredibly successful.
It's a once in a lifetime opportunity!
It's time for an upgrade!
Like Paneer says,
"Demolish the bridges behind you.
Then, there's no way to go but forward."
Ola, you're right.
Motherfucker!
Hey, what are friends for?
We meet again, old chums.
So how long are you going to be
entertaining guests?
Do you mean my boyfriend or yourself?
This is my house.
It's Dad's house.
It's Dad's couch he's sitting on,
in Dad's clothes, at Dad's table,
- playing some crap!
- Damn it!
How can you tarnish Dad's memory so?
Your father was a good man, dear,
but he wasn't perfect.
Neither am I. Nor are you.
I'm sorry you don't approve,
but whom I date is none of your business.
Mom...
See the light.
This relationship isn't real!
And you'd be the expert on that now,
wouldn't you?
MY LIFE SO FAR
I feel like a toddler.
Here's one for your mom then!
Is everything OK?
Yes.
Everything's perfect.
And yet it's not.
What happened? Tomek?
No.
Yes.
I don't understand anything anymore.
I think I know what's up.
You do?
He's being a nuisance.
Tomorrow I'll have him replaced.
You'd do that?
In a heartbeat.
But all the ads, the marketing?
It's only money.
Your happiness is more important to me.
But no.
I made a promise to Marcel,
I won't let him down.
You're incredible.
To the future.
The future.
Oh.
Hello.
Can I come in?
Sure.
I love what you've done to the place.
You're alone?
Thought you had
tons of girls here every night.
Well...
I have to rest sometimes.
What brings you out?
I was on a date.
My definition? Or yours?
So you've found your Prince Charming.
Congrats. This calls for a celebration.
Champagne?
No, thanks, I've had a few already.
Well, you don't say.
Look,
if you came just to rub it in my face,
let me tell you, I don't--
What was that?
Shut up.
Morning.
Hey.
Quite...
Quite a night it was, huh?
Yeah...
it's quite a new feeling...
to have closure, right?
Yes, quite a new feeling indeed!
Having closure.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you?
MY LIFE SO FAR
Good morning.
Does Ms. Magda Lisowska live here?
Grandma!
The cable guy is here!
Wow, is this how
they dress you now in cable?
Neater than in the bank.
Company policy.
A wonderful policy.
We don't dress up often enough.
Coffee? I just made some.
No, thanks.
It's a lovely house.
Thank you.
It gets drafty in the winter,
but we love it.
Our kids grew up here, as you can see.
The cable box is over there.
I'm sorry...
for the misunderstanding.
I'm not a cable guy.
But I do work for a TV studio.
Oh?
Yes.
The real reason I'm here is...
To congratulate you!
You're a grand prize winner
in our big "Miracle of Christmas"
online sweepstakes.
Here you are, the main prize.
Audience seats and backstage passes
to our Christmas Eve live special.
Karol?
Yes, dear?
Did you enter a TV contest?
Maybe.
He always signs up for things.
This is very nice,
but we have other plans
for Christmas Eve.
We spend it with our family.
Our children come over, the grandkids.
Then, the midnight mass...
- You know how it is. But thank you.
- That's what Christmas Eve is about.
- Family.
- What...
What'd you say your name was again?
Marcin.
I've got a new one.
You know the suicide rate
is highest on Christmas?
Each year I mention this to Aunt Matylda
when she asks us what gift we want.
Sorry, kid, I'm not in the mood for jokes.
Want a cigarette?
Jesus! Give me that.
This thing is death!
Don't you have enough issues?
The popular kids say smoking's cool.
What good is being cool
when a rich asshole
with a truckload of money
buys your TV station
and steals your girlfriend? Shit...
Cool's no good.
Anyway, shouldn't you be
rehearsing something?
I thought the band would be cool.
But every time
when I try to play something,
the others make farting noises.
Sorry, I just recalled something else.
Look, come see me in the studio later.
I'll try to help you out, okay?
Will you teach me something?
Well, not to play the tuba.
We'll think of something.
Just promise me,
no more of this crap. Okay?
You know...
you're not as big of an asshole
as people say.
Don't tell anyone.
You'll ruin my reputation.
Marcel?
I've got the releases.
Put them on my desk, please.
Are you okay?
Yes.
Got seasonal allergies, that's all.
You saw her.
What? No, why would I?
I'm happy as things are.
If I can help you somehow... you know.
Some say the tuxedo is old-fashioned,
but you can't beat class.
The shirt collar's a little stiff perhaps,
but sometimes beautiful things
have hard edges.
Tomek Wilczynski,
please report to sound stage B.
Jesus, not this again. Excuse me.
Tomek! Hello.
It's time we talked.
- Whiskey?
- Make that two.
So...
what's this about?
I know Ania spent last night with you.
I'm not here to threaten you.
I know that getting over a relationship
can be a weirdly complicated
and messy process.
You know nothing about us.
On the contrary.
I know more than you think.
Your compatibility rating.
The numbers don't lie.
No matter how hard you two try,
you'll always get the same outcome.
So all of a sudden we're incompatible
because a calculator told you so?
It's great how you manage to
take super-complex algorithms
and turn them into a joke.
You may know her shoe size,
her favorite color
and which X-Men character she would be.
But you've never heard her
talk in her sleep...
or seen how she loves
dancing to "Let's Dance"
or going "Singing in the Rain"
in the shower.
Never seen her sans makeup on a Tuesday
morning after she graded papers all night.
You've got all this data,
but you don't really know shit.
These things can be learned in time.
But I used to hate "Let's Dance"
and now I love it.
Did your thingy tell you that?
I gotta rehearse.
I'm proposing to her after the show.
I want the same things as her.
Stability. Marriage. A family.
She could be happy with me.
If you let her.
I will open like a flower.
A lonely, unsupported flower
whose husband--
- Ola?
- Hush!
Dad?
That lousy duffer.
Mom?
It's me.
Me, Zoska!
Yeah, I'm good.
Cool.
I've been thinking...
I'm an intern now.
I'm supposed to work on Christmas Eve,
but I haven't seen you for ages.
Maybe I could come
spend Christmas Eve with you?
Oh.
In the Canary Islands?
No, I get it.
It's nothing, it's just... an idea I had.
Fine, okay, talk to you when you're back.
Bye then.
Tomek! Good evening.
You look different.
What can I help you with?
Is Ania home?
She's out with a friend.
Right.
Wait.
I know we've had our differences
in the past--
Tomek, it's a little late.
Please just tell me this:
is she happy?
The happiest I've ever seen her.
Ever.
Places, everyone!
We hope you enjoyed the commercial break
like we did, having wild sex throughout.
- More on this from Ania.
- My Christmas
was never as rough as his.
In our house, there was
a lot of love, joy, sharing...
At the sight of the first star
we'd exchange gifts...
THE MIRACLE OF CHRISTMAS
"MIKOLAJ: Your LA flight check-in begins."
We're in the plaza at Studio DCS in Warsaw
for a soon-to-start live broadcast
of The Miracle of Christmas!
DRESSING ROOM
Erectix? Really?
Witold?!
What's happened?!
I'm allergic to dogs!
You can still sing?
Sing? I can barely talk!
Marcel!
- Where's Leroy?
- What?
- I can't find Leroy!
- Keep looking.
Leroy!
Marcel!
This is a circus!
Whose bright idea was it
to bring the whole zoo in?!
Yours, sir.
I'm not the creative one here.
Ideas are your responsibility!
There's dog vomit in my briefcase!
Why is there dog puke in my briefcase?
Actually, that was me. Sorry.
Excuse me?!
Zoska!
Quickly, clean her up, get her to makeup.
Locate Leroy and get Witold some tea.
- Now.
- I'm on it.
You better pray you pull this thing off.
If not, you can kiss your career goodbye!
Thirty minutes to showtime, folks!
How old are you anyway?
Ten?
I'll be 11 in two months.
You know how old I was
when I first went on stage?
Fourteen.
- Really?
- Yep.
How do I look?
Something's missing.
Try these on.
Now that's what I'm talking about.
- How's this?
- Too tight.
We need to fix this button.
Be right back.
Marcel says to drink this all.
Thank you.
What's going on?
Leroy is dying!
What did you do?
He was this way when I came in!
Leroy, you're gonna make it!
You're gonna make it, baby! God...
Trainer!
Security!
Jesus, take him away!
Tase him!
No!
Leroy!
Good boy!
Can you tell he got me?
- Namaste!
- Namaste.
And how's our little yogi today?
Practicing meditation.
As your body is home to your mind,
your house is home to your body.
Welcome to my dojo.
Bogdan! I didn't see you there.
Namaste.
Oh, jai bhagwan .
Sat nam.
Om shanti ?
Uh, right.
I brought you some kombucha.
It's homemade.
I'll get it. And I'll heat up the soup.
Ola?
May I use the bathroom?
Of course! Upstairs on the right.
Pardon me.
Bogdan, turn the TV on,
the show's about to start!
Jesus and Mary...
Quit fussing. It's just a flesh wound!
Leave me alone, go away, scram.
- Get me some Vicodin, okay?
- Sure.
The dressing room!
Aren't you a sore winner!
Meaning?
I'd have been okay with
just a one night stand, but no dice.
You've really tamed the wolf.
Respect.
Relax your brows.
Sorry.
Quit it!
Jesus, I'm so thirsty. Where's my tea?
This tastes funny. What is it?
It's tea.
Where's mine?
What goes up, I know
Will fall down to the ground
Ah, fuck this sound.
You're drunk?
Hell no. Not a drop...
- since 1980.
- May I?
That's when they took our yacht
away after the Intervision.
This is whiskey!
Impossible. It's winter tea!
No, it's quite possible.
Look at me, sir.
The show starts in two minutes!
Can you do it?
Best damn tea I ever had.
Great.
Let's do it!
Zoska!
What are you doing?
It's always the same.
You get nervous?
Another surprise.
And how are you doing?
Me?
I'm about to pass out.
Listen.
If you get in trouble out there,
just smile, look at me
and I'll jump in, okay?
You'll do fine.
I don't know how you do this for a living.
I flunked Mrs. Mlynarska's
declamation classes.
Listen to me.
It'll be fine.
I'm with you.
We'll do it together.
Together.
We're a go in 15 seconds.
- Please.
- Okay.
See you in 15 seconds.
Places, everyone, this is it!
Ladies and gentlemen,
DCS TV and Planet Single are proud to
invite you to "The Miracle of Christmas"!
And now, your hosts tonight:
Ania Kwiatkowska and Tomek Wilczynski!
Merry Christmas, boys and girls!
This is amazing. The first ever...
live TV Christmas show in Poland!
Don't you have families?
Bumming at a TV station on Christmas Eve?
- But seriously, it's great...
- Slowly close in on both...
then go to Tomek.
...till we eat ourselves to death,
watching Kevin kick the burglars' asses.
Tomek and I, we have our own holiday...
tradition...
Tomek and I, we have...
our own... holiday tradition...
We do have our own traditions,
but let's not mention them right now.
Kids are watching.
Kids! That takes me back:
when we were little,
we didn't have a TV set yet, so
our only family entertainment
was watching the oven together.
I also remember waiting with bated breath
for Christmas Eve morning
so we could finally have a bath
in the bathtub without the carp.
Ania,
what are your favorite Christmas memories?
Ania?
Yes?
My favorite...
memory is music.
And warmth.
And the wonderful feeling
that someone loves me.
Of course, tonight we should
all feel like that... Like that carp.
Ania, I remember you saying that
Christmas is your favorite holiday?
Yes. It's right after
our first Valentine's Day.
And All Saints' Day, of course.
- We've got the show!
- With our Planet Single sponsors
we want to make it easy for everyone
to find their perfect match.
At least as good a match as you and I.
Yes. Just in an easier way than with us.
Before I wanted you,
you had to wear armor and beg the horse
to drag you across the Old Town.
And they say chivalry is dead!
It did fall pretty low that day.
But then it got right up.
To kick us off, here's the legendary
Witold Paszt of VOX!
Yello, folks!
Pull, oh, Tatra horses
Sleighs o'er wintry courses
Hey, pull them fully laden
With robbers and maidens
Hey, pull them fully laden
With robbers and maidens
I can't believe I just did that!
Did you see? Awesome!
I can't believe it. We rocked!
Like a pro. Mrs. Mlynarska must be proud.
It was...
God, I'm still shaking.
Thank you. Without you, that would've
been a mess! I saw this black hole
and froze up, but then you held my hand
and it all came back, and I...
Love is a peculiar thing.
It's an incalculable force.
We can't control who we love
any more than we can control the tides.
It's instinctual, primal, atavistic.
Love is natural, elemental, raw.
It's in the smell, in the pheromones.
We mustn't be ashamed of our feelings.
- Namaste.
- Namaste!
I'll get dessert.
Bogdan,
is there something you wish to tell me?
I've wanted to say this for a long time.
Let's drop this charade.
Here?
Here and now.
You may have fooled everyone, but not me.
I should have known.
Look.
Whatever it is,
I'm not going to let this
tear my family apart. Right?
Want to keep it a secret?
What? No! What?!
I've seen your shrine!
It has touched me deeply.
I want to make sweet,
Tantric love to you, too.
Surprise!
It's not like that!
So this is why you've been disappearing!
All the night jogs instead of helping me.
- Ola, come into the circle.
- Helping?
I started all this
because you forced me!
I never forced you to turn gay!
I'm not gay, I'm open--
- Shut up!
- Shut up!
You brainwashed my husband
to fulfill some sick sex fantasy!
Ola!
This isn't good for the baby!
- The baby!
- What?
- The baby!
- The baby?!
Get off of me!
To the birth center! Now!
It's closed for Christmas.
- What?!
- It's closed! What are we gonna do?
- You're asking me?
- Motherfuckers!
You've ruined it! Fuck you both!
Breathe, hon.
You fucking breathe!
If I die here, I'll come back
to haunt you till your dying day!
- Meds?!
- I think she's having the Antichrist!
I'm sorry! Please stop shouting at me!
I'm gonna haunt your dreams!
The North Star
is not the only star out here tonight.
"BOGDAN: Ola is in labor."
Still coming on our show:
a great performance by Beata.
And, from YouTube,
Leroy, the Balloon Popping Dog.
Go.
We'll manage.
I can stay.
And regret it for the rest of your life?
And a special performance by my students,
Form Six of the Witold Gombrowicz
Primary School.
- We're in labor. I mean, we're fine.
- We'll manage.
Merrily to Bethlehem the shepherds came
Cheerily a-piping to the Savior's name
Glory be in the highest
Glory be in the highest
And on earth, peace to men
Glory be in the highest
Glory be in the highest
And on earth, peace to men
Hearts so humble, homage grateful,
did each bring
Gifts of love and warm devotion for a King
Glory be in the highest
Glory be in the highest
And on earth, peace to men
Glory be in the highest
Glory be in the highest
And on earth, peace to men!
Well, that's our show, folks.
Tomorrow everything will be different.
Gravity launch will change the world.
Changes can be good,
though they often come at the wrong time.
I told my producer
I'd never do a Christmas wish, but
I changed my mind.
My wish is for every one of you
to have the good fortune that I have had.
To have a real friend
who is truer to you
than you are to yourself.
He's off script.
What's he doing?
What he always does.
Improvising.
Ania,
I hope all your dreams come true.
My life is better thanks to you.
I'm sorry,
I wish I'd appreciated that more.
I hope one day
you'll be able to forgive me.
May the lessons of this year
stick with us well into the next.
May you find peace, love, and happiness,
be it through the miracles of science
or just through pure dumb luck.
Merry Christmas.
After all this...
what can say except...
Be sure to download
the Gravity update to your phones.
It's the new extension for Planet Single.
Merry Christmas.
Marcel here.
Mistletoe ready?
Lower it then.
We did it! It's done!
Show's over.
I'm sorry. I wish I could have been
the man you needed.
I want you to be happy with him.
Good luck.
- Where are you going?
- Don't worry about me.
You chose the right guy.
Hey, Olaf!
That was super cool.
Wanna go out for ice cream?
Sorry, babe. I'm out of your league.
I'm big time now.
Walnut vodka. From my in-law.
And this is winter tea. It's da bomb.
Your talent is wasted here.
I'll make another Beata out of you.
Leroy!
Sure, I do the stunts
for the Game of Thrones guy.
It wasn't that bad.
Yeah. Close shave.
You know what you're doing?
Yes.
Marcel.
I know.
Once, when you were small,
you used to sleep on my chest.
You made the cutest snores.
Really?
I loved it.
You'll always be my little girl.
Thanks, Dad.
But if you get that devil tattoo,
I'll kill you.
Thank you so much.
Let's go.
You were...
amazing.
- Thank you.
- Incredible.
Ania...
I've searched for you my whole life.
Uh-oh.
I don't want another day without you.
I'll do anything to make you happy.
If only you'll have me.
Oh, God.
Oh, God...
Oh God.
Oh God!
Alexander, please get up.
I don't understand.
Isn't this what you want?
It's all I ever wanted.
What did I do wrong?
You did everything faultlessly.
Everything was perfect.
Like in a fairy tale.
It's just not my fairy tale.
But we're a...
ninety-two percent match.
Maybe it's the missing eight percent
that matters the most.
I'm sorry.
Marcel!
- Where's Tomek?
- At the airport.
- What?
- Going to the US.
- For how long?
- Permanently.
What do you mean perm--
There's a cab waiting for you downstairs.
I love you!
If I were straight...
I'd never come up with this.
Good evening.
Why didn't you tell me?
Didn't want a scene in front
of your family. You looked so happy.
All my life...
Every day...
I was so young.
I thought...
you'd be better off without me.
Can I touch you?
That's right. Cancel the launch.
No, this is not a joke.
I understand perfectly. Do it anyway.
Rough night?
You could say that.
Excuse me...
what is that
amazing perfume you're wearing?
I'm not wearing any.
That's my taxi!
To the airport!
Quickly, please!
Radek?
Mom?!
Are you sure of this?
No.
But I want to find out.
Buckle up then.
- Hit it, darling.
- As you wish, darling.
Sorry.
We'll take the next one.
I thought...
you'd be happier with
someone like Alexander,
so I told Tomek to let it go.
- What?!
- Let me finish.
- You did what?!
- Listen to your mother!
But I've realized that...
sometimes true love can seem
a mistake at first.
Watch out!
Anyway, you have to call him right now
and tell him you love him.
I'm trying!
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Excuse me, I just wanted...
"ANIA calling"
Hello?
Jesus.
Ania?
Tomek!
- Just tell him you love him.
- Mom!
- Hello?
- What is that screeching?
It's me! Where are you?
I'm on a plane!
Why are you screeching?
- What's the noise?
- Never mind!
Tomek, I want you...
to stay with me.
Don't w-- to lea--
Say that again?
I don't want a knight or a horse,
or a fairy tale. I want you!
You hear me?
Stay, don't go!
Sorry, my bad.
"Don't" what? Hello?
- Thanks.
- Ania!
- I want you to know I lo--
- Mom, Radek,
I'm sorry about earlier.
Be happy together. Bye!
- Hello?
- You there?
Yes! Christ, what's going on?
Gotta tell you this!
Sir, please put the phone away.
We're taking off.
Sorry.
I don't want you to go!
Don't go anywhere!
You're breaking up--
No, we're not breaking up! I take it back!
Sir. Phone off. Now!
Excuse me, one second.
Tomek? Don't go.
I want you to stand up, right this second,
and get off that goddamned plane! Get it?
Tomek!
Do you hear me?
I love you.
Excuse me...
I have to go back.
We need to turn around.
That's impossible.
Please stay in your seat.
There's been a mistake.
Let me ask the pilot,
I'm sure he'll get me.
- No way.
- This is an emergency!
Sir! Please! Sit down!
I can explain, just listen.
Sir. No. Enough already!
Sit your ass down!
Excuse me, everyone...
I have an announcement to make!
It's a bomb!
Terror in the skies!
Half an hour ago an attempt was made
to hijack a 737 bound for the USA.
Polish TV claims as many as
two alt-left terrorist organizations
have claimed responsibility,
but the airport authorities believe
the hijacker to be a so-called lone wolf.
The experts are already in our studio.
You tried to blow up the plane?
Are you nuts?!
Alright, fine!
Maybe I am impulsive!
Excuse me,
this is all a big misunderstanding!
Step back, ma'am, he's a terrorist.
Nonsense!
He's no terrorist.
He's... a bit of a jerk perhaps,
but with a good heart.
And he did it for love!
And it's Christmas time!
Can't you just let him go? Please.
If you don't step away,
we'll arrest you for obstruction.
Having a badge and a gun
doesn't make you God!
If he's a terrorist, then...
Allahu Akbar!
Why so rough? Take those paws away!
My lawyer will make you suffer!
What?
That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
Thanks.
Driver?
Take us to jail, please.
Okay, so maybe some of those
movie love stories did go on.
Who cares!
The point is, love is a silly thing.
Way too silly for science to quantify.
And it's a good thing that
Happily Ever After doesn't exist,
because the real deal
can be so much better.