Did you know that when someone attractive
enters your sightline
your pupils dilate 20 percent?
Or when someone falls in love
their brain floods with dopamine?
You know what else causes
that chemical reaction? Narcotics.
It's crazy, right?
But that's the fun shit
I'm learning right now.
See, I've been hired to write
this romantic comedy screenplay...
and the problem is I've never actually,
you know... been in love, so...
it's slow-going.
Yeah... intelligent.
To help, I rely on this writer's trick.
When other people tell me
their tales of romance
I try to imagine myself
as the characters in the story.
You know, the ones... in love.
It's kind of a desperate attempt to feel
something, I suppose. Anything, really.
It's a little narcissistic,
but it works.
I think the closest I ever came
would be the summer of '89.
Kristin... my babysitter.
We were deeply, passionately,
madly in love for one glorious night.
Until my granddad came home
early from poker.
God, could she dance.
I think since then,
all of my experiences involving love
usually start out something like this.
You know, I always did think
you were pretty cute.
You still got that boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- You guys in love?
Then they lead somewhere like this.
And then usually end up
something like this.
How about some back story?
- No, it's a RomCom.
- No... romance.
It's a favor for the producer,
because the studio hates the third act.
This is gonna be huge. Okay?
They have... Ashley Tisdale
from High School Musical
and Matthew Morrison from Glee!
It's gonna be huge!
I can see the poster now, man.
- Morr-Ash.
- That's not a thing.
I just made it a thing.
Come on, play along!
Work your magic on this one
because the same producer
has a huge action job coming up.
- All right? Set in Malaysia!
- You know I'm dying to write action.
So, do the RomCom
and I will get you the action job.
It's six weeks in Malaysia!
Malaysian women.
- You ever bang a Malaysian chick before?
- No.
Man... this cigarette is like
an elephant's dick to them.
They're sweet and warm and genuine.
They're caring, beautiful women...
that you can rip apart!
Yeah!
And Swayze says to her,
for the first time,
because he's never
been able to say this before...
"I love you, Molly. I...
"I've always loved you."
And then Demi Moore
says to him, "Ditto."
Remember that's what he said to her...
at the beginning of the movie?
Okay. It's no Terminator, but...
What? I'm s... wait, what?
I'm sorry, you think Terminator
is more romantic than Ghost?
Yeah.
Okay, you're messing with me.
Oh, my God, you're not messing with me.
- Okay, Terminator? Okay...
- It's the same guy who did Titanic.
Okay... this is...
my head's gonna explode.
I'll be back.
And that's not a reference to...
many people have said that...
in the history of time.
This is my buddy, Scott.
We'd been friends since the day we met.
Excuse me!
You left your...
Hey! You left your package!
Hey!
Hey, wait up!
Shit!
Shit. Don't hurt me, I'm a writer.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Why are you running?
- Because you were chasing me!
- Because you left your package.
On purpose... Oh, my God.
Who leaves packages on purpose?
You can't do that shit post-911, you know.
It's my favorite novel,
Love in the Time of Cholera.
I leave it random places
for people to find. It's...
It's my art.
- You're insane?
- Yeah.
- What's your name?
- I'm Scott.
- All right. Let's get your bag.
- Holy shit.
All right, what's up, N-word?
So, the guy character
has multiple personalities.
He meets the girl character,
who has multiple personalities.
And one of his personalities falls in love
with one of her personalities.
That sounds really good.
It's terrible. It's full of clichs.
It has a gay, best friend personality.
It has a bitch, girlfriend personality.
It has a feisty, Hispanic personality.
It has a black, female,
detective personality.
Oh, there's even an act three
running-through-an-airport scene.
God, I love
running-through-the-airport scenes.
Okay, we gotta top that.
Put them on a bridge.
How romantic is that?
You got two people on a bridge,
maybe there's like a whole crowd
following them and cheering... and like,
- you know, maybe one guy's doing...
- Yeah, I'm not doing any of that.
- But like a slow clap, like...
- I'm not doing any of that, Scott.
Well, then you're not really
making a RomCom.
Look, if I'm gonna do this,
I just wanna write something
that shows love how it really is,
you know? Not funny, not romantic.
Okay... but that kind of
sounds like a downer.
Let me explain.
Love starts out like this...
I'm sorry, my palms get kind of sweaty.
I don't care.
I love you.
And then he threw up.
He tried to say it was food poisoning
but I haven't been able to make love
with the lights on since.
You are so beautiful.
I'm just lucky to have you.
But then quickly becomes more like this.
I work with her! What do you
want me to do, baby? Quit my job?
No, I want you to keep
eye-humping her all night!
Baby, stop!
Don't touch me with your sticky
disgusting, reptile hands!
You give away your most
personal information
only to have your secrets
come back to destroy you.
Stop being melodramatic.
Maybe if you'd hit the gym once in a while,
you wouldn't need that sob story.
No wonder he threw up.
How do I know this?
Well, take my story, for example.
There's no stronger force
than a mother's love.
I love you.
She keeps you safe, secure...
It's unconditional, right?
And then without warning,
the bottom falls out.
And you're left to watch helplessly
as your world comes crashing down.
- Mom, where's the prize?
- Mom's not here, son.
That's what love does,
it leaves you with Granddad
to go to Chile with Phillip...
and ruins a perfectly good cereal.
And that's the last time I saw her.
That's why every time
someone has said...
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- My response has been...
I just don't see myself ever feeling
the same way about you.
And there you have me.
By the way, that's my heart.
You know how some people
wear their hearts on their sleeve?
Well, I kicked mine out a long time ago,
and now he just follows me around...
chain smoking.
Okay, so, like I said,
it's been my life.
But then I met this girl.
Come on, Scott! Let's go, man!
These people are obnoxious.
Well, sorry there aren't
any perfect tens here,
but we're staying until they auction
off that couple's Champagne bath.
I don't care if they're all fours,
but if I have to hear one more four
talk about her vegan pet,
my sperm are gonna start
eating each other.
- Shit.
- Colorful.
- It's a gift.
- No, please, continue.
- I think I made my point.
- No, I don't think you're drunk enough.
I mean, we're fours now, but a couple
drinks from now... we might be sixes.
Point well taken... cutting myself off.
I think the rest of my night
is going to involve online shopping
and eating my feelings.
Online shopping...
I would have taken you for a porn guy.
No, I'm off porn. It objectifies women.
Oh, so that's a bad thing now?
No, no, I'm not against women
being objectified, per se.
I guess I'm just sick of men
not being objectified.
Oh, I'm sick of women not being judged
by how much money we make.
I mean, if I spend an hour
and change getting ready,
I want to be ogled.
I'm pretty much begging for it.
Exactly, and I'm tired of being wanted
for my body, but not my pocket book.
We're drinking $300 wine here.
My money is no good?
Oh, God, this girl's dangerous.
Do you want to do a social experiment?
Nice ass. You work out?
Is that dress a Valentino?
You know what this suit's made out of?
Boyfriend material.
That suit looks good on you,
but I bet it would look even better
balled up in a corner of a hotel room.
Well, I'd love to travel more,
but I have crushing student debt.
God, sorry... I'm sorry.
Oh, God, look at this guy, so stuffy.
Do the... the blow job,
the tongue-in-the-cheek thing.
No, he's my boyfriend.
- Hi, honey.
- Darling, there you are.
I have no idea what Stuffy said,
because I went temporarily deaf.
Where'd you go, homey?
I was looking for you.
You don't look too good.
Oh, did you have the crab?
Yeah, I had the crab.
It's probably why I was on
the shitter for so long.
Okay, that sucked.
Shake it off.
Time to randomly text some chicks.
Hey. I'm so glad you called.
I didn't.
I found that love is like a leak in a boat.
It starts slow, with a drip,
and if you don't plug it,
it gets worse until you drown.
And to fix it,
you should really find an expert.
I want to tell him, "No, Mr. Policeman,
this is not a thumbs-up moment."
But yeah, it is.
We all have different patches
for the leak, and mine is sex.
Which is about to erase all the traces
of that girl from the charity event
right out of my brain.
Wait.
Stop. Stop. Stop. I'm sorry.
What the hell?
Good question.
Question for you,
there was a girl here...
she had brown hair,
just a great, great, girl height.
Perfect smile, red dress,
kind of a whole happy thing going on.
- Ringing any bells?
- No. Sorry.
Shit.
Hey!
What the hell were you doing?
Listen, Erin, you're amazing,
but is there somewhere I could drop you?
She would go on to say
her name was Regan.
At least I think it was.
Wow, I'm not good with names.
Teresa, she could be a Teresa.
Jenn with two N's, no, never.
Mary, too plain.
Shantiqua, highly unlikely.
Chastity, fuck, I hope not.
If there's one thing
you should know about writers
is that we don't suffer alone very well.
It's why we write.
It's why we form little groups.
This is mine in action.
Lyle, single, harmless deviant.
The proud writer of the first 20 pages
of 16 screenplays and 12 novels.
He needs a shower.
Samson, married, graphic novelist,
poems, short stories...
kind of too old to be hanging out
with us but we don't give a shit.
Mallory, she writes and performs
intensely personal one-woman shows
she drags the rest of us to.
We fuck sometimes... for research.
Scott, you met him.
Why do you need to know her name?
I guess...
I kind of wanted to say
her name out loud.
Oh, stop, it's a passing infatuation,
that's allowed.
Gee, I wish some guy thought about
saying my name out loud.
You mean like while he's playing
with his dangly bits?
- Yes.
- Who says there are no more romantics?
No, I actually think the whole idea of love
is kind of unrealistic and outdated.
- That's touching.
- Well, make sure that goes in your RomCom.
- You know how I kill infatuation?
- With a gun?
When I meet a hot girl,
I'll just look for one flaw
whether she's pigeon-toed
or knock-kneed or just not very polite.
I focus on that one flaw,
until I'm not attracted anymore.
You know? Works perfectly.
How do you think I don't cheat on my wife?
- I thought you did.
- No wonder your marriage is so happy.
Don't talk to me about happiness, okay?
Because... thanks...
- happiness and marriage don't co-exist.
- Bullshit.
There's a reason that Romeo killed himself.
Suicide was the best option for this guy.
- Why?
- No. Romeo set the standard for love.
No, Shakespeare didn't know anything
about love. The guy was a sexual deviant.
He couldn't keep his hands off of himself.
That's why his name was Shakespeare.
It's true. Hardy, Dickens, Longfellow,
all sex-starved pen names.
- E.E. Cummings.
- Updike.
- Margaret Ate-wood.
- Dean Kuuntz.
- Atwood and Koontz.
- Balzac.
Yeah, I see your point. Whiny teens
killing themselves isn't love.
Love is what keeps fucking you
long after the sex has dried up.
Stop! You guys are terrible!
Love is a real thing.
I was watching this Korean
soap opera last night...
- Stop watching that shit.
- No, no, no, you guys are hearing this.
It was an episode of When the Pear
Tree Blossoms, It Also Weeps.
So, basically there's this girl,
Hana and this guy, Da e-jung.
And they've been reunited
after years of separation.
They're like crazy in love.
I mean, it's all tea pouring
and furtive glances, but you can tell
they're like two seconds away
from just ripping each others' kimonos off
and getting seriously freaky.
Oh, God, remember how I told you
how I put myself in other people's stories?
Well...
And why is she here?
But now they're finally back together.
And she realizes
she has to tell him her secret.
She'd been born a man!
So she had to get this operation
to be what she always knew
she was in her heart...
A woman. This is the part
that literally blew my mind.
Instead of rejecting her,
he matches her confession.
He had biologically been a woman
but had science give him
what he always felt he should have...
you know, dude parts.
And they just...
touch hands.
That's love.
Fuck.
Love will always find a way.
Now that's...
- Excuse me.
- Oh, sorry.
Scott could be right...
but then Scott will also say
that there's someone for everyone.
And as much as you may
think that's right,
you can always find that one person that's
so unusual to the natural order of things,
you think that can't be true.
But then, you're wrong again.
Then everywhere you look, it's like
googling awkward engagement photos.
And you realize
you're wrong a third time.
You're that one person,
you're the exception.
There's someone for everyone...
everyone except you.
Is something on your mind?
Oh... it's nothing. It's...
Whenever you say it's nothing,
it is never nothing!
Can we talk about something else?
Well, yeah, sure. I'm gonna have another
prostate exam tomorrow morning.
- Jesus!
- Would you rather talk about that?
No. It's a girl. It's... nothing.
If you're thinking about her, but you can't
figure out how to talk about her,
- it is not nothing!
- I met her at some random fundraiser.
I have no idea how to find her,
so, nothing.
Boy, I didn't know
you were such a quitter.
How am I quitting? I don't know anything
about her I don't know her name.
I don't know where she lives.
I don't know what she does.
- So... nothing.
- You know what Colombo would do?
Prove she's a murderer?
Yeah, but first you'd have to
figure out how to find her!
Granddad was right. I needed
to Colombo the LA charity scene.
So instead of writing,
I started googling.
Scott, you like doing good shit.
Want to come and do some research with me?
All right, get your head in the game.
Got your tie on, feeling smart,
looking good. Let's find this girl.
Charities are ridiculous. They like
to fatten you up with their luncheons
and hors d'oeuvres,
and their dinners, and drinks,
and then they want to sweat it
back out of you with their 5Ks.
Oh, hey, there.
I see you at a lot of these.
You're a very caring person.
We need more guys like you.
The truth is, I'm not as charitable
as I probably should be.
So I did what I do best, make shit up.
I think that charity
defines you as a man.
Yeah, we try to come out whenever we can.
Especially for the... the... art.
It's, you know,
it's one of those things...
I started spewing tales
of adventure, and outreach,
and I didn't mean to lie, but I'm a writer,
it's the way my brain works.
Don't judge me.
God, look at me, I don't even know
what the hell I'm saying right now.
- Nice to meet you guys. Thanks a lot.
- I may have gone too far.
But I'm having fun, they're having fun.
No harm, no foul, right?
But as time went on,
I started to think it didn't matter
how much of my time was donating.
It wasn't doing any good.
My search for her was a lost cause.
That was my best time yet, bro.
Doesn't matter, she's not here.
What? That's what this is about?
Come on, man, you told me
we were doing research here.
Maybe Scott was right. Maybe it was time
to get my life back to normal.
What was I doing?
Hey, buddy. Look,
just checking in on the script.
Hey, seriously, I've got Ashley Tisdale
breathing down my neck.
She called me six times this week
threatening to face-fuck my dog
if she doesn't see a draft.
I must have misjudged her.
She doesn't care about charity at all.
It's actually kind of selfish of her
to put me through all this.
I don't know why I keep trying.
This is $500 a plate.
Meat or vegetarian?
Yeah, we're gonna... can we...
yeah... can we share a plate?
Shared plate fee is $500.
- I'll have the filet.
- Same.
Enough about my work.
And thank you for all the other powerful
testimonials that have been shared today.
I'd like to keep it going
with a truly great man
that I've only recently had
the pleasure of meeting.
I hope I don't embarrass him too much.
He's farmed coconuts in Cambodia.
- Holy shit! That's a real thing?
- He's helped lepers in South America.
Most recently, he singlehandedly
took the Abdu Ali...
Oh, shit.
Bring him up, big hand.
Smile, wave, yeah.
A little help, gang,
let's get him up here.
I'm gonna kill this guy.
Get up here. Get up here.
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech! Yeah!
Thank you. Thank you so much.
It really wasn't anything, though.
It was something.
No, believe me,
I'm not just being modest
when I say I really didn't do anything
that anybody else in my position...
wouldn't have done, so...
Don't worry, you're doing great, baby.
Give yourself
a round of applause, right?
- All right.
- You saved the frogs.
It wasn't just me. It wasn't just me.
It was a lot of people involved
a lot of hands in there.
- It was kind of like a hand orgy.
- Oh, God.
- You're not bombing.
- That's inappropriate.
And suddenly, there she was.
Okay, enjoy your afternoon.
Yeah!
- Nailed it, right?
- Like a coffin.
I had no idea you were
such a philanthropist.
Now would be a good time to come clean.
I'm really just a sucker for a good,
catered meal.
Lot better at these frog events
than the rhesus monkey tapas dinners.
God, not the rhesus monkeys,
they're a slush fund charity.
They sprinkle cute, little monkey photos
all over the place like ruffies,
and then they date-rape
your checkbook. Bastards.
You sound very passionate
about monkey rape.
Like you and frog orgies.
So, you here with the guy?
No, no. I'm here with work.
The company I work for bought a table.
We do urban planning and we're helping
the host foundation with a land-use project.
I mean, it sounds boring,
but it's actually really, really fascinating.
Sorry, I fell asleep, what was that?
Very funny.
Want to go for a walk?
Yeah. Yeah, I can walk.
- After you.
- Okay.
I've got a deadline right now
that I can't seem to focus on.
You should try yoga.
Nature has decided my body
won't bend like that.
Oh, no, but that's why you have
to do it. It's good for you.
I know, I know. I think I avoid things
that are good for me.
Oh, I see, the stereotypical,
self-loathing Good Samaritan.
At least you do good things
for other people.
Okay, last chance, asshole.
Just tell her the truth.
Do you see right there?
Where those two waves collide
and become one?
It's funny.
It's like how... how far
have you traveled?
Years? Thousands of years?
Lifetimes?
For this one moment, right here,
right now, to find each other.
And then to crash...
and go back out to sea
in search of one another again.
I'm just messing with you!
Oh, man.
- I got you.
- You got me.
To crash.
- I was with you.
- I know.
- We had a moment!
- You're romantic! What can you say?
- I'm sorry. You froze up?
- I could have kissed her.
I just didn't want to pull the trigger.
I didn't want to...
ruin it? That doesn't sound right.
Oh, my God. Are you gonna see her again?
No. No. She's got a boyfriend. I'm gonna
get out now before I embarrass myself.
Okay, welcome back, buddy.
That's the first reasonable thing
I've heard you say in weeks.
Hey!
- You!
- Hey!
- What are you doing?
- I'm just walking.
I got a friend with me.
Scott... me and Scott are walking.
Hi, Scott.
Well,
have fun not embarrassing yourself.
- You gonna go check out those waves?
- No, I just pretend.
- Looks cool, though, right? You bought it.
- Looks very cool.
This is a little weird, right?
I know... you meant,
weird that you're stalking me?
I thought you were stalking me.
No, no. If I were stalking you,
you'd never see me. I'm very good at it.
Really? Because I live around the corner,
and I run the neighborhood watch.
So, you have been watching me.
You think you're pretty funny,
don't you?
I think I have promise.
No matter how much your brain
thinks it controls your mouth.
There's always gonna be
that override switch.
So, this might sound kind of nuts.
Maybe we should try running
into each other sometime on purpose?
Did you just ask me on a date?
No, no. I'm just saying
that we keep running into each other.
It feels like, I don't know,
fate wants us to hang out.
Good, because my boyfriend really
hates it when I go out on dates.
Sounds controlling.
Look, I think you're getting
the wrong idea about me as a man.
I think we should just be friends.
That's allowed, right?
Guy and a girl hanging out, no big deal.
No relationship stuff.
I'm lousy at relationship stuff.
Oh, don't worry, I have really,
really low expectations.
Then we should definitely hang out.
I'm really good with low expectations.
- Is that so?
- Yes.
In fact, I can pretty much guarantee
that if we hang out
you're gonna walk away
completely unimpressed.
Well, how could I say no to that?
So it's a date.
Sure, but it's a friend date.
Fuck.
Friend date... friend date.
What the hell is a friend date?
I want him to crawl inside of my vagina.
I left my ovaries abandoned
in the basement like potatoes.
And they started growing arms...
- ...and legs.
- What are you doing? That's rude.
This is a performance. Sit down.
- Not there, back here.
- What is that?
It's a leg. No!
Oh, my God!
Yeah.
Twist ending.
- You are playing with fire.
- No, I'm not.
Thanks. There's nothing wrong
with two adults hanging out as friends.
Men and women can't be friends.
We are squids and squirrels.
- Are you saying we're not friends?
- I'm saying we've slept together.
So? Friends can fuck. Fuck buddies.
Oh, really? Have you fucked Scott?
Not physically.
- What's with the German accent?
- Don't change the subject.
I think you're starting to like this girl,
and you're just setting boundaries,
- so you can push them.
- No, I'm not.
If anything, I'm going out with this girl
to prove she's nothing special.
And she's just as ordinary
as every other girl...
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you're about to say that.
Present company excluded.
I went on a friend date recently.
This one's gonna be weird.
So my friend tells me,
"I'll come over,
we'll watch a movie, hang out."
Sounds normal, right?
Now imagine you're me.
- Oh, God.
- Hi.
And the next thing you know
his tongue is halfway down your throat,
and he doesn't stop there.
- My penis hurts.
- What was that?
- My penis hurts.
- Excuse me?
My penis hurts.
Then you'd better go home
and take care of it.
I want you to take care of it.
That's not gonna happen.
I don't even have to take off my pants.
So my advice to you,
if you really like this girl
is take her somewhere in public,
and don't blow it.
- Wow.
- Wow, is right.
- It looks loud.
- It does.
It looks like an audio gang bang.
That's the name of my band.
That's so weird.
December 8th.
An amethyst wood star hummingbird.
Fastest heartbeat in the world.
Shit, this guy's heart beats so fast,
he's always on the verge of death.
- What?
- Shitty.
That's super shitty.
- You want to play doctor?
- Yes.
Heart beats...
the ancient Chinese believed
you were only given a limited number
of heart beats when you were born.
You can spend them any way you like,
but your heart uses them up
when it beats faster like
when you get angry or excited.
I wonder if it's the same for boners.
No, I can't find it.
Goddamn it, where is her flaw?
Nothing. You don't have a heart.
Miracle of science.
The problem with our little friend date
is that it didn't feel like a friend date.
We're connecting.
I'm showing her a great time.
And at the end of the night,
she's going home to him.
I'm basically Stuffy's wingman.
All right... I gotta get up
early tomorrow.
Tomorrow's a farmer's market day
which means the guy likes to get there early
- for the ripe tomatoes.
- Right, right, yeah.
I gotta go, too.
I got a late-night poker thing.
Cool, all right, well, this was...
this was fun.
- Yeah.
- Okay. All right, I'll see you soon.
- Okay.
- All right, good luck tonight.
- You, too.
- Bye.
What a s... goddamn it!
You dumb, dumb, dumb... dick.
What a... dick!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. What's up?
My car won't start.
I'm so sorry you missed poker.
No, that's... what are friends for?
Speaking of,
what are you up to on Thursday?
Tell her you're booked,
busy, completely slammed.
Because I've got this charity event
to go to, but no one to go with.
Say anything, you're doing your taxes,
washing your hair. Oh, my God.
- Sounds good.
- Cool.
All right, right on, second friend date.
All right, yeah, yay!
All right, well...
I'll see you on Thursday.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That's a wave goodbye.
I mistake it for... a fucking high-five.
And now, I'm left to hear it echo
for the rest of eternity.
You high-fived her? Nice.
- Lane 13, don't throw the ball.
- Maybe she didn't even notice.
Sometimes when I'm playing with kids,
I go up high, and they just stare at me,
like they don't even want to touch it.
- In what world aren't you a pedophile?
- In this world.
Look, she definitely noticed,
it was terrible.
Well, at least you'll never have
to see her again.
Well...
- Come on, man!
- It's a charity! It's a charity!
Boom!
- Here's the deal, you look like hell.
- Like shit.
Shit, now you're stalking this girl,
and you won't stop talking to us about her.
And you're clearly sexually frustrated.
- Excuse me, hard up.
- Yeah, are you even masturbating properly?
Yes, I'm... no, I don't...
I don't need to masturbate.
- You do need to masturbate.
- This is an intellectual connection...
based on common interests.
For people who have common...
shared interests.
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
Oh, my God. You're falling for her.
- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
Look, I'm sorry I don't believe
in the fairy tale.
But your idea of falling in love
is what lonely people tell each other
- and justify sticking it out.
- Lonely people?
No, bullshit, man. Love is amazing.
It connects people. It makes
the whole better than the parts.
- Oh, shit! Sorry!
- Hey, Lane 13, stop throwing the ball.
Look at the divorce rate...
people are petty, emotional whores.
They don't pair off to connect, they do it
to spread their misery, like STD's.
What you're defending is an ideal
that can't exist in an imperfect world.
You are lying to yourself
to try to prove that she's not special.
And that's deceptive... to you,
to her, to your connection.
You can not get to the truth
through deception.
Mall's right, you're gonna ruin this,
because you're a soulless, love hater.
None of you know
what you're talking about.
And don't over-romanticize things, because
you read Love in a Time of Yellow Fever.
- Time of Cholera.
- It's pronounced ch-olera, by the way.
- It's cholera.
- Like chalupa.
So what's your big plan?
You're gonna wreck her relationship
until you get bored and stop calling?
I don't know, Mallory.
I didn't even want to talk about this.
You guys are all getting on my case,
you're dumping your man issues on me.
Did you just say "man issues"?
Man issues? Are you kidding me?
- Mall!
- Oh, shit!
- You're the one that is going out with her!
- Stop throwing the ball, lady!
Why don't you just go already?
Fucking go! Go already!
- Can I just bowl?
- That's it! No more!
Maybe they were right,
I had to end this.
But if I was gonna do it, I was gonna
do it like a gentleman, in person.
Bring on the charity.
Nice suit.
- What kind of charity is this?
- I didn't... I didn't tell you about this?
You're lucky I'm wearing underwear.
I would have pegged you
for a brief guy. No?
- I'm thoroughly impressed.
- Are you?
Should I feel emasculated?
Maybe.
Holy shit.
- You totally did.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
You made a sound
during the Warrior 3 pose.
- What pose is that?
- Okay. Let me refresh your memory.
Oh, that noise, that was me.
I do it all the time.
What?
What's the deal with you and Stuffy?
That is not his name.
Isn't it, though.
I don't know,
we'll probably get married.
Probably? You don't sound so sure.
No, I mean, we talk about it, you know?
Every few months,
we kind of sit down and we discuss it.
Sounds romantic.
I'm not ready.
Why?
I don't know, I guess I just always
thought it would feel a little different.
You know? Maybe it's not supposed to.
- And I'm fine with that.
- Okay.
Obviously it's none of my business, but when
you say fine, it sounds like comfortable.
What's wrong with being comfortable?
Nothing.
Are you happy?
I'm happy,
and... he is stable...
and he is very passionate about his job,
and my parents love him,
my friends love him,
and he is everything that I need.
What about what you want?
You may check off all the right boxes,
but you can't plan happiness.
Okay, describe your perfect wedding.
I don't know.
I've never thought about it.
San Francisco, outdoor wedding
at one of the city's heart sculptures.
50 people, modern ceremony,
trolley takes us from the heart sculpture
to the Tara for a reception,
and a hell of a lot of Scotch.
Why isn't he the one you're dragging
to yoga and art shows?
Who said I never asked him first?
I like you.
I like you.
- Is that a bad thing?
- Yeah, it's a very bad thing.
I'm saying I have someone that I trust.
Okay? Someone that I've built
a life with and...
God, whatever this is, it's...
It's not gonna change that.
- Yikes.
- Yikes.
Okay.
- Wow, Debbie Downer.
- Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
I'll see you.
- Okay... so, you should probably stretch.
- Yeah.
All right, enough.
- Don't be such a pussy.
- Yeah, man, don't be such a pussy.
- Really, Scott?
- What?
No, Scotty's right.
Do you know how long I waited
for you to actually fall for a girl?
And now you're just puttering around.
I'm not the one staying
in a bad relationship. That's not on me.
When I met your grandmother,
she was engaged to an Italian.
You think that wop knew what to do
with her? I had to steal her!
I saved her! And when I die,
I want to be buried right on top of her.
Yeah, that's... that's pretty romantic.
And you, you won't even fight
for the girl you love.
Don't let the death of your mother
haunt you for the rest of your life.
- Get on with things!
- That has nothing to do with this.
Look, love is like your 401k,
it matches your investment.
You love a little, you're loved little.
All right,
I think we need to tell him the story.
What story? Wait, do you guys
hang out without me?
Look, I never had a granddad, okay?
Don't be selfish. Tell him.
It was 1943.
I was in San Diego, I was in the Navy.
Then I saw her.
Every man in the bar
was lined up to talk to her,
but I didn't let that deter me.
Her eyes sparkled.
Her lips were like two perfect,
red roses.
It was fate,
and I couldn't deny fate.
Time stood still has we danced.
The music, the lights...
she felt like sunshine in my arms.
She looked like a princess...
and I was her prince.
It was magic.
Granddad, this sounds
like a Disney cartoon.
Really? A Disney cartoon, you pussy?
This was a man stuff.
I shipped out the next day
and I never thought I'd see her again.
My dearest, I do not know
if I will ever see you again,
and as you know, I am already engaged.
I am sorry, my love,
if we could be together,
I would turn the world on its side.
But I am to be wed
on the 3rd of January.
And at that exact moment
a fleet of U-boats blasted our ship.
But not even Nazis
can stand in the way of love.
I had to get back to her.
I swam shark-infested waters.
Scaled the sea cliffs
of Canada's Labrador Coast.
Raced across plains, deserts,
and burial grounds.
It was the longest
three days of my life.
Excusi, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
That kiss changed everything.
And after that,
the Allies turned the tide of war,
and we lived happily ever after.
That's a beautiful story, Granddad.
- It's not your granddad.
- Whatever.
See, women, they want to be fought over.
They like to feel desired.
Just seems like if she felt half
of what I feel, she'd explode.
Well, you feel all these things, but...
I mean, you're not doin g anything.
- Which makes him a what, Scotty?
- A pussy.
That's right. You're a pussy.
Hey! What's wrong with you?
- I'm sorry!
- Where'd that rock come from?
- Wait, who are you?
- Some pussy just broke our window.
- What are you doing down there?
- Sorry, sorry!
- Hey! What's going on?
- Sorry, guys, I'm looking for her.
- Why?
- Yeah, why?
I was just seeing if you wanted
to do something... with me.
Like what?
- Anything.
- What time is it?
- Midnight or 1:00.
- It's kind of late.
- Yeah, it is kind of late.
- Thanks. Thank you.
But is it too late?
So... what now?
I don't know.
I was kind of improvising back there.
I didn't think you were gonna come with me.
So, you don't do this all the time?
Well, you'd think,
given how smooth that was.
You spend a lot of time down here?
Training to be a longshoreman
in case that charity circuit dries up?
Honestly, I don't think
they're ready for this much man.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I did spend a lot of time down here, though,
as a kid. My granddad took me here a lot.
We'd walk up and down the docks
we'd pick a boat, pretend to own it,
name it, and then list
all the places you'd sail to.
My granddad was great at it, too.
He'd pick names like Helen of Troy
or the S.S. Excalibur.
Sail to places like Sea of Cortez
and Zanzibar, you know?
And what about you?
I was the captain of the S.S. Heman,
and we had set a course
for Castle Grayskull.
- Nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
Bit of a novice when it came
to charting aquatic courses.
Oh, you two must be close.
Well, he pretty much raised me.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay,
you own one of these boats.
Top place, where you going?
Oh, gosh, I gotta say Costa Rica.
- Costa Rica? Really, why?
- Yeah.
I don't know, I guess I've always
just wanted to go there.
You know... exciting nightlife,
culture everywhere. Tropical fruits.
Okay, so... your top destination
has endless exotic fruits,
- a place that never sleeps...
- Yeah.
...and a population
that predominantly speaks Spanish.
Okay...
I can do this. I can do this right now.
Follow me.
Very clever.
Life is too short, you know?
Holding a grudge against the Captain?
I don't know what you're supposed
to do with a grudge.
- Do tell.
- I'm kidding.
No, you're not,
there's totally a story there.
You're really not gonna tell me?
Okay, come on,
help me find a birthday card.
My dearest daughter...
may you live all the days
of your life... happy birthday.
If Christmas isn't in your heart...
you'll never find it under a tree.
- Happy birthday.
- This isn't a joke.
- Who's birthday is it?
- Mine.
- It's your birthday?
- As of 30 minutes ago.
- Right now?
- Yeah, right now.
Well... happy birthday.
What? No cash? You're a cheap ass.
Isn't buying a birthday card
for yourself a little depressing?
Should we get one of those
"cheer up" ones?
It's... it's not supposed to be from me.
It's supposed to be from my dad.
When I was little, he died a couple days
before my birthday. So...
- I'm sorry... what happened?
- He killed himself.
But then, on my birthday,
I got a card from him.
He had sent it before he died,
and he'd said that he was sorry
and that he loved me.
Love is a little messed up sometimes.
So, you know, every year on my birthday
I pick out a card
that I think he would get me...
and I sign it from him.
And this might be it.
- No boobs, no bone?
- It wasn't that kind of kiss.
It was emotional, but wasn't about sex.
I'm so confused. I don't know
how to translate what you just said.
What did her tongue taste like?
What are you doing
with your girlfriend there?
Deflating her, and this is
my carpool lane associate.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, do you want to finish her off?
Yeah, sure.
Hey! Whoa, stop!
You're lucky I have two of these.
It's my view that if you don't screw her soon
you're gonna screw it up for both of you.
You know what? You would both be
better off if you just forget about her.
You know, I have a short story that's exactly
perfect for this moment right now.
Mallory, do you want to come
help me find it?
I don't know. I don't think anyone's
ever gone in your van on purpose
- so I'm not gonna be the first.
- What the eff!
Lyle! If you're gonna move your house,
you have to tell everybody in the group.
Can we just stop calling it a house?
Do you mind?
Sorry, Scott, do you want to come
in here and help me find something?
It's got a steering wheel, it can
make turns. It can go to different states.
- Careful.
- It has a license plate.
Pass.
It's like I was saying,
sexual tension can cloud a man's mind.
When the dick takes over,
the brain shuts off.
- Are we still... are we on this?
- Both sides.
It's writers 101, women want romance,
men want climax.
One good orgasm, this guy's got all
his questions answered. Every single one.
I'm sorry. Do men honestly think
that sex is the answer to everything?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
And it's also a time-tested shortcut,
since the dawn of man.
If you can bang a girl, and forget
about her, then she's forgettable.
Yeah, that's poetry.
Hey, just forget about her. Move on.
Hey, he cannot forget about her, okay?
He's already built her up
as his mysterious forbidden fruit.
So, unless he unravels the mystery,
she'll haunt him, you know,
until the end of time.
I've got a story about a serf. Okay?
The serf was in love with the maiden...
but he never told her,
so she married another.
The serf vowed to forget her,
and to never be a slave to love again.
Became a cold bastard,
he was unfulfilled. He was empty.
There had to be more. So he became
a monk, looking for the Divine.
He ran to ends of the earth,
searching for the spiritual fulfillment
of the boundless and the everlasting.
After many years had passed,
and he'd finally cleared his mind
of all the earthly thoughts
when he opened his mouth for the first
word that popped into his mind.
And it was... her name.
Gee, Grandpa, that was great.
Why don't you tell the story about the time
you got drunk and tried to finger me.
Okay, here it is.
It's about this Russian astronaut who fell
in love with the mistress of the czar.
- Lyle, I'm telling a story.
- Yeah, no, it's the same story...
because he couldn't have
the girl he loved, right?
So he ends up taking the space mission
and he ends up floating off in space,
alone... without her, going crazy.
Are you done? Are you finished?
Well, he'll probably run out
of oxygen at some point.
So then, that would probably be the end.
Well, the point of my story is that
you can't just forget about her...
- you have to answer the question.
- Yeah, mine, too. It's the same story.
And then after that,
you suffocate out in space.
Same story.
Frogs are becoming extinct
throughout the rainforest.
But what's more interesting...
I never thought online dating
was for me until I tried it on a dare.
- Hello.
- All right, I need to talk. Are you busy?
No, no.
This friend thing has gotten off-track.
- It was the kiss, wasn't it?
- It's everything.
I've got such a huge pit in my stomach.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
So... it was a good kiss?
That is irrelevant, okay?
That shouldn't...
- We can't.
- I know. I know, it's messing me up, too.
You think we should just have sex,
get it out of our system?
We are not having sex!
Well, you're not offering any solutions.
I'm just trying to be helpful.
Helpful to yourself.
How does you getting laid help me?
I've explored every other option.
I can't just be friends.
I'm not getting a sex change and I refuse
to die out in space or join a monastery.
How are those the only options?
- I'm open to suggestions.
- Well, I don't have any.
That doesn't mean sex.
All right, the kiss was a mistake.
Look, if this thing between us,
if it's nothing, if it's just infatuation,
- maybe sex will cure it?
- Stop it.
- So, what will it be?
- Some cold turkey.
No, I don't want cold turkey.
I want a hot... open-face sandwich.
No, nothing hot.
I want something steamy.
- I want soup.
- He'll have gazpacho.
We don't do gazpacho.
The menus are right there.
Okay, I'll pick. I want ice cream.
Oh, something sweet?
And a little bit bad for you.
We're out of ice cream.
- Of course, you are.
- Sorry.
Could you bring us
some whipped cream and jelly?
Whatever.
Wow, what do you got
up your sleeve, Copperfield?
Are you on that new condiment diet?
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Okay, I'm getting excited now.
Voil.
Ice cream.
Oh, God.
My whole life,
I've felt guilty after sex.
Guilty for everything I said
and done to get there.
- So.
- So.
But the thing I learned is when you
actually care about the person,
you don't feel guilty.
Welcome back, Cap.
You know I couldn't even...
I couldn't even eat this stuff
until last night. Look at me now.
- I hope you don't think it means something.
- Of course, it means something.
You bet your ass, it means something.
You feel it, too, I can see it.
Yeah, I feel something, but I told you
last night, this can't happen.
Come on, you can't say
you don't feel differently now.
Yeah, but it always feels like this
at first. Like with my boyfriend,
and all the other guys before him,
and then eventually it becomes...
ordinary.
Ordinary?
You think last night was ordinary?
No, I think last night was amazing.
But that's not the point.
It was amazing, so what's the problem?
Screw those guys, they're not me.
Yeah, but what about the next guy?
Is that gonna be amazing?
- The next guy? There's already a next guy?
- No, the metaphorical next guy.
God, now I gotta go meet
my boyfriend for lunch.
Your boyfriend?
Wait, wait you gonna tell him about us?
What? No, I'm not gonna tell him
about us. That I screwed up?
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
It's the truth! Do you want me to tell him?
No, I don't want you to tell him.
I gotta go.
Fine! You know what?
I thought this was special.
You're telling me it's ordinary. I guess
I was wrong. Enjoy all your next guys.
Sounds like you gotta give her more space.
You know? You're crowding her.
- Yeah.
- Shut up, you don't get to talk.
- The dude's got a point... got a point.
- What do you mean, he has a point?
You're the one that told me
sleeping with her was the only way.
No, I said that sleeping with her
would give you the answer.
I didn't know you were gonna lose it
and start acting needy.
I'm not needy. We had a connection.
So, dude, you take a girl home
for the first time and sleep with her,
and you wake up in the morning
and she's trying to...
you know, re-arrange your life.
How... how would you react to that?
You gotta fix that, man.
Shit, I'm needy.
Hey, it's me.
- Truce lunch?
- I didn't know we were at war.
Well, I guess this is me
waving the white flag.
I'm glad you called, actually.
You are?
Look, I am so sorry about the other morning.
I completely panicked, you know?
No, I'm sorry. It's completely me,
I was so out of line.
You freaked out a little bit,
and then that made me freak out
and then you freaked out more.
And everything just got, you know...
freaky.
I know, but maybe
you were right about things.
About you being in something
for the wrong reason
or feeling differently about us?
Or both?
Give me one good reason
why you and I belong together.
I feel like the universe is pushing me
in a certain direction. And...
God... All right, you know when...
your friends tell you stories about their
break-up or their pet dying, whatever?
I do this thing where I imagine
myself in the story.
I feel like I can't do it now,
without you in it with me.
- Oh, my God.
- It's a sign.
- It's not a sign.
- It is. Trust me.
- I do, that's what scares me.
- Hey! I knew that was you.
Shit, it's the last guy I need to see.
Where you been? I haven't seen you
at any of the monkey dinners.
Yeah. My schedule's been crazy.
And I'm talking to the event coordinator
at the Assist-a-Sister craft sale
but she said that she'd never
even heard of you.
I'm all, screw that, sister,
he's on the board of directors.
Then she showed me her business card
and she's on the board of directors.
Liar's block... it's like writer's block,
but for shitheads.
I'm not technically as involved in the charity
scene as I may have led you to believe.
- What does that mean?
- Well, charity events don't pay the bills.
I go when I can, I just don't go
as often as I'd like to.
Or claim to.
- What do you do, exactly?
- I'm a writer.
You've been lying this whole time.
No, no, no, no, don't think of it like that.
Although it is technically accurate.
Africa? Rainforest? The frogs?
I want to take your drink
and throw it in your face.
I did help with the frogs!
I shouldn't be here.
God, I'm such an idiot.
I really did!
I met a frog scientist at...
I don't care about the frogs.
Fuck the frogs!
You look like shit. What are you,
method writing or something?
- I'm a fraud.
- Don't go to a dark place, man.
RomComs are supposed
to be funny, remember?
Look,
it's not that hard, man. Check it out.
Boy meets girl, right?
Shit happens, right?
Boy, girl, do it... happily ever after.
That's not the way the world
works, Bryan. It's a shit show.
And you didn't draw hair on the girl,
I don't know which one is the dude.
Fine, I'll give you hair. What kind of hair
you want? You want a Beyonc look?
You want like a Dolly Parton thing?
Puff, you want a flat-top?
No, you know what?
That's perfect, that's what love is.
It's this simple thing in our brains
and you try and put it in the world
and it gets decimated.
You can't even draw love on a napkin,
without it looking like two dudes 69-ing.
You're right.
You can't put love on paper.
You have a better chance of bleeding
your heart out through a paper cut
- then through a pen.
- What? Is that deep?
No, it's from another client's script.
I don't think it's good,
but everybody wants it.
Bidding all day on it,
because he finished the script.
RomComs aren't true.
They're what we wish were true.
And right now, what I wish was true,
is that you would meet your damn deadline!
And I really wish we weren't
having this conversation.
Okay. So, what I'm seeing
is you're distracted,
can't write, can't meet your deadline,
because of a girl!
So let's get a new girl!
How about that? Good?
Distraction from your distraction?
Let's head over to this party
I was gonna go to.
I don't know
if my heart's into it, Bryan.
Fuck your heart, man!
I'm talking about Champagne and blow jobs!
Let's go meet some girls.
Let's roll them up.
Let's glaze 'em like doughnuts.
No shit, cross my heart,
I tell the guy to get out of my house.
He leaves a book on the table.
I make a call, two weeks later...
Hunger Games.
Hey, man. Tequila?
What am I doing here?
The girl I love is probably screwing
some other guy right now.
Probably sweat-staining
the sheets with pleasure.
Coining new words
with orgasm after orgasm.
God knows that's what I'd be doing.
Hey, man. I think I'm gonna take off.
- You didn't find a distraction?
- No.
I honestly don't know what I felt.
But It was kind of like my heart
was drowning.
Maybe she's not the one.
Maybe my body and my instincts,
and the whole universe
are just lying to me.
I don't even know
what makes sense anymore.
Come on, man, please open up.
Just talk to me for a second?
All right, all right, look...
Sometimes when I'm searching for,
you know, porn to masturbate to,
if I'm looking for girls that are a lot
like the girl that I'm seeing,
that's a good sign. All right?
- Okay.
- So, ask yourself,
if you do that. I gotta go, man,
I'm in the middle of something.
Lyle! That's not advice. Come on, man,
give me like five minutes, be a friend.
- All right.
- Look, look, look...
You've gotta go to her.
Tell her how you feel.
- She knows how I feel.
- But did you tell her you love her?
I don't think she believes in love.
To be honest, I don't know if I do.
Doesn't matter, as long as you feel it.
Look, she loves these little cat kisses.
They're so cute.
Look, I have needs and you're blocking
those needs right now.
Go talk to Mallory,
she loves your little issues.
Thank you. Thank you.
She won't return any of my calls.
She's ignoring my texts.
Why are girls so crazy?
Men, men make us crazy.
You know what I mean, though?
You're with this crazy person,
and they're making you crazy.
You just want to shake them
- and show them what you see!
- Yeah, I've been there.
How'd you handle it?
- Me? I didn't do anything.
- Nothing?
You must have done something.
How strong were your feelings?
- Pretty strong.
- The guy from the play?
No, he was too needy.
Some other guy.
All right, if you had to go back
and do it all over again,
- would you tell him how you felt?
- I don't know. It might hurt.
Yeah, but doesn't this hurt?
What if he felt the same way?
I love you.
- Shit.
- I love you.
I should've told you.
I thought you knew.
And that's why I never told you.
- Where's our script, bitch?
- Yeah, where's our script?
I'm gonna slit your throat
and penetrate your mind.
Yeah.
- Hello?
- I need to tell you something.
- I'm engaged.
- What?
I've been a total mess and I'm sorry.
It's been all my fault.
- I've projected all of my fears onto you.
- Why would you do this?
Because he's the one steady thing
in my life. It's time.
It's time? That's your reason?
You don't love this guy.
What are you doing? God! Stop it!
This is a mistake. I know you don't see it
right now, but I promise you will regret it.
- Oh, my God.
- I love you.
Are you out of your mind? Oh, my God!
- You better find my goddamn ring!
- I'll buy you another ring!
- All right, move! I'll find your ring.
- Jesus Christ! Watch where you're stepping!
- If it was bigger, it'd be easier to find.
- Oh, really? Do you hear that a lot?
Here!
Jesus Christ! Why do you have
to complicate everything?
Me? You called me!
Why didn't you just text?
I don't want you to marry this guy.
Why him? Why now?
- Give me one good reason.
- It makes sense.
- What do you want to hear?
- That you love him.
You want to hear that I love you.
I can't give you that.
I want to put my face in a waffle iron.
- I want to jump in front of a Maglev train.
- No, you don't.
Maybe you're pitying yourself
a little too much here.
Pitying? It's not pity. I'm hurt.
Okay, but what about... her?
I mean, you know, you put her
in a pretty tough spot here.
She's marrying a guy she doesn't love.
She put herself in that spot.
Yeah, and you went after a girl
that has a boyfriend.
I mean, you kind of
brought that on yourself.
If you really love her,
maybe you should... let her go.
- Who's side are you on?
- I'm... I'm on love's side.
Oh, my God...
Scott, I don't need some romanticized
metaphor right now, all right?
Okay, just trying to help.
Really? And where'd you gain
this amazing insight into love?
You've been in love with the guy
from the book store for two years.
You haven't done shit. At least
I tried, I put myself out there.
Look, Vince is obviously straight.
No gay man thinks that Terminator
is the most romantic movie of all time.
Plus, I did the whole
Ghost-ditto line thing on him.
Nothing. So I think it's pretty safe
to say if he's gay, he'd be all over this.
You're lying to yourself. You run around
leaving this romance book for people to find.
That doesn't make you an expert in love.
That book is my art.
Okay, I bet not one person
who found it ever read it.
Wait a second, you never read it?
You told me you read it.
Don't make your Scott face.
If it's that important to you, I'll read it.
If it's that important to me?
I got pink eye
- from a charity dunk tank for you.
- You didn't write it.
Oh, my God, you are so self-absorbed!
That book changed my life!
It inspired me to write!
To... to accept myself, Jesus!
- Come on, man, don't do this. This is...
- Christ!
I've seen you run through Mallory.
I've seen you dismiss Lyle.
You barely ever visit Granddad.
The entire time I thought I was exempt.
For some reason,
I thought I was the exception.
- Really? You want to go there over a book?
- What's the name of the book?
E... Eternal Love and Leprosy.
I'm kidding!
It's... Love and the Time of Cholera.
Love in the Time of Cholera.
90 percent.
Well, Mr. Screenwriter...
I am just so glad
that I'm not in the movie of your life.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're the lead, right? You're the star.
But it'll never be a great romance.
Do you want to know why?
It's only about one person.
You didn't write the book!
Hey!
Hey! It's me!
Jesus! Did you just throw a rock at me?
Shit! Head's up!
Sorry. You can't marry him.
You want logic, I'll give you logic.
One, you don't love him.
Jesus, do not do this.
The sex is better with me.
I know, I have first-hand experience.
- Who is it?
- It's no one!
It's not no one! I'm the one!
Third,
he hates hearts. He hates museum hearts.
He's gonna hate San Francisco hearts.
He hates my heart,
because my heart smokes...
What's going on out here?
Oh, God, look at him!
Your kids are gonna look like that?
- Look, do you want me to call the cops?
- No, just go inside, he's drunk.
- Call 'em, bitch. Call the cops!
- Look, I swear to God, I'm gonna...
Gonna what? Stand up there
and talk me to death or come down here
- and stuff my balls in your mouth.
- Right.
Third! I love you.
There's no one else, I know.
I've looked.
Have you got a problem, punk?
You're trying to harass me
and my fiancee, are you?
She doesn't love you, man.
Let me show you what happens
when you're drunk.
Beat his ass!
Yeah!
Unfortunately,
this is what actually happens.
She doesn't love you, man.
What is wrong with you?
I just bought these at Barney's!
He asked me to move in with him.
We're gonna elope in December.
- You hate me.
- I don't hate you.
I nothing you.
Oh, Scott.
I know I owe you an apology,
but I can't talk right now.
- I had a really rough night.
- If there's one universal law...
beyond relativity and string theory
and M-theory, it's this.
- Things can always get worse.
- Granddad died.
I'm sorry.
So death comes as a reminder.
It grabs us and shakes us,
opens our eyes.
And our focus is changed...
shifted... revised.
To the finder of this book...
This book changed my life,
so I wanted to share it with you.
I'm gonna tell you this one from my point
of view so you can put yourself in there.
...the song, the memory...
So the story goes,
a guy falls in love with a girl
the second he meets her,
but it takes him a lifetime
to finally get together.
When they do, they end up on a boat,
and they realize the only way they can
stay together is to never go ashore,
so they raise the yellow cholera flag
so no port will take them,
and they drift out to sea until the end.
And it makes you realize,
there are people in your life
so important
that they dwarf everything else.
And it's up to you
to figure out who they are.
If you had to give up everything else,
and spend the rest of your days
on a boat...
who are the must-haves?
The ones you can't live without.
Figure out your own list
and then do everything you can to let them
know how much they mean to you.
I hope it's not too late for me.
Okay, first things first.
Split-personality RomCom, let's do it.
Just because I wear a badge,
doesn't mean I can't feel.
It's too late, he's Heisman-ed you
into the friend zone.
Oh, it's useless,
she could never love us.
You're just saying that,
because we're crazy.
Oh, he's no different than us.
Everyone has all these
different faces to hide behind.
Love is just as crazy.
It changes everything, okay?
It could be like a red,
red rose, or a machete.
It's like what they say,
love is a many splintered thing.
It's not splintered.
It's "Love is a many splendored thing."
Splintered sounds painful.
It's that, too.
Yeah, it's that, too.
I don't really know
what's happening here.
I just finished a screenplay.
It's very emotional.
All right, time to celebrate.
Scott and I had made up.
- Congratulations, man.
- Thank you.
I got you something.
100 Years of Solitude.
- Oh, God.
- Don't read too deeply into the title.
I'm pretty sure there's only a small chance
that you'll die alone yourself.
Yeah, well, that's the good thing
about being a writer, right?
You get to choose your own ending.
Mallory had finally given
her friend-date a real shot.
- I'm gonna get us drinks.
- Great.
You guys are cute.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Get out of here, I'm busy.
Okay, we're good.
- Samson and Lyle were...
- Gentlemen.
- Samson and Lyle.
- Congratulations.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
And Bryan was elated
to cash his commission.
Congratulations. Great work,
and not a moment too soon
because they pushed the start date up
for the action movie two weeks.
That deserves a drink.
I watched Terminator again.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, and you're right.
I'm sorry, you're right.
It's actually a...
weirdly romantic film.
Cheers. So...
I wanted to personally come down
and give you a first class ticket
to six weeks
of first-class Malaysian pussy.
You know, sometimes I can get something
stuck in my head a certain way,
you know, and then...
I can miss all the other ways
it can be.
Ditto.
No, no, no, no.
Don't open it. I'll get more money.
Even with my boat pretty full...
There was still something missing.
Time to write my own ending.
I've got a wedding to stop.
All those 5Ks I ran finally paid off,
seeing as how I have to outrun this clich.
Hey! Don't you have a bunch
of heart sculptures somewhere?
- Oh, yeah, buddy, we have hearts.
- Great. Take me there.
- Which one?
- All of them.
- Are you crazy or something?
- Something.
- Sorry, guys, this cab's taken.
- Yes, we know.
- Gabriel told us what you are doing.
- We want to see all the hearts, too.
She's the only thing I think about.
And I can't get her out of my head.
- Sounds like she doesn't love him.
- That... that's what...
I like you guys.
Excuse me,
did you happen to see a wedding here earlier
with a girl that was like... perfect?
I'll see what you want me
to see for 50 bucks.
Okay, let's go, guys!
Wait, you're gonna bust up
some dude's wedding? Hell, yeah.
Sometimes when you're chasing love it feels
like the whole world is on your side.
We are gathered here today
to celebrate a marriage.
If there's anyone here
who objects to this union
let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
That's the last one
at the end of the pier.
She's gotta be there.
Even my imagination
took a kick to the balls.
- Gabriel, what's that big arrow?
- That's Cupid's Bow.
- Why didn't we go there?
- You specifically said heart sculptures.
- That, my friend, is not a heart.
- But those shoot hearts.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
- I came to stop you.
- Oh, then you're a little late.
Yes, I can see that.
You know, there's like 100
of these heart statues.
I wrote a whole speech on the plane.
I was gonna make a big scene.
Yeah, well, you need
to work on your timing.
Did you marry him?
No.
I was standing there looking at him,
and it just felt wrong...
for both of us.
- Maybe that's a sign.
- Stop.
All right, this is serious.
You shouldn't even be here.
Look, I know you're upset with me,
but I feel like we met each other
at a very strange point in our lives.
I think you were in the wrong relationship.
I couldn't sustain one if I had to.
But I feel...
something strong.
I feel different.
And... I think we deserve
to find out what that is.
We deserve to be as far away
from each other as possible.
Wait! Why? Why?
Look at us!
You lie about saving frogs
and cleaning Third World drinking water!
And I cheat on boyfriends,
that's who we are.
We're both disasters,
neither of us deserve love!
Then we're perfect for each other.
We're flawed. We're a shit show.
We're two people full of flaws.
Oh, my God. That's your pitch?
Damn, dude, that shit ain't workin'.
Look, love is fucked up,
it's confusing, and it's terrifying,
and it's... it's painful, it sucks.
But I'm looking at you right now...
I want to risk it.
I know it could be a mistake. I know
we could make each other miserable.
But if we have even the slightest
chance of being that one time...
I'm willing to regret you
for the rest of my life.
God, I hate you.
I love you, too.
I really hate you. I hate you.
Everybody has their own ideas about love.
They have their philosophies,
and facts and rules of how it works
and what you're supposed to do,
but none of that shit matters
because love isn't a thinking thing,
it's a feeling thing
and this is what it felt like for me.
Live your own story, and don't worry,
I promise I won't put myself in it.
Pour some honey on the world
For sweeter soul before you go
Paint some color in your heart
You won't end what you don't stop
In faith plan this all one night
I was drunk, you were dressed in white
And we talk down on the beach
I slurred my speech, you kiss my cheek
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
For you and I
Oh, my mind
You know I love to see you smile
Each and every time
It blows my mind
And you know that life goes on
With the tops and downs
its twists and shouts
Help me understand the world
You're the sweeter soul I've ever known
Now there's color in my heart
For a brand new start, here we go
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
For you and I
Oh, my mind
You know I love to see you smile
Each and every time
It blows my mind
Hearts and rainbows in the sky
For you and I
Oh, my mind
You know I love to see you smile, woman
Each and every time, woman
It blows my mind