1
We close in 20 minutes.
Damn!
Thanks.
Aah! Gee.
- Ooh. Ow!
- OW!
- OW!
- Argh.
- Where the hell are these clowns?
- It is a large garage, sir.
- We're over here!
- Are you an idiot?
There they are.
Get down.
It's about time.
I've sucked up enough fumes
to last me a lifetime.
Stand up!
What's with all this deep-throat crap?
Don't look at me. It wasn't my idea
to meet here. It was his.
We shouldn't be seen together.
Just thinking of the safety factor
of Operation Fiasco.
That's what I call this, sir.
I work with the village idiot.
- Do you guys have any idea...
- Sir, your glasses!
Do you guys... Take off your glasses.
Do you guys have any idea how many
police academies are in this state?
- Is this a trick question, sir?
- No, this is not a trick question, sir.
- Two.
- Wrong.
My sources have informed me that
one of them is about to be terminated.
- Which one?
- I don't know.
They haven't decided yet.
And that's where you two come in.
I need two good men that'll make sure
Lassard's academy fails and not mine.
I need two good men
that'll inform on Lassard's academy...
and tell me every move they make.
I need two good men that'll sell
out their mothers to get ahead.
- That's us.
- Good.
Can we go now?
We should split up.
Safety factor. We'll go first.
Looks like it's closed, sir.
They locked us in.
The car!
Proctor!
No problem, sir!
I got it! Please!
- My car!
- Please, stop!
My car.
As governor of this great state of ours...
it fills me with pride
to see these graduating police cadets.
I'm also sad to tell you...
that this is the last time
we will be graduating two classes.
What?
It's time to tighten our belts.
It's time to close one of the academies.
But in the spirit of fair play, which is
the hallmark of my administration...
I have appointed a committee...
to evaluate and compare
the two academies.
That way, their fate will rest
in their own hands.
I am certain that both commandants
will welcome such a challenge.
Got it!
Isn't that true, Comdt. Mauser
and Comdt. Lassard?
Well, Comdt. Lassard, good luck, sir.
- May the better academy win.
- We intend to, sir.
Don't be too sure, Comdt. Mauser.
We have many wonderful new recruits
which we shall mold in my own image.
Promise me you'll do that, sir, please.
Sir. The committee.
Ladies, gentlemen, truly a pleasure.
Anyone need a ride, police escort?
Don't hesitate to ask.
Oh. Governor, magnificent speech!
Bravo! I applaud you.
Whoo! Whoo!
Why beat around the bush, Mauser?
Just get down on your knees
and kiss his ass.
I don't need any tactical advice
from you, Callahan.
Governor!
Governor.
I know you're a busy man, sir,
but I've been doing a study...
on some training techniques
I thought might interest you.
The Governor is in a hurry,
Comdt. Mauser.
I could memo you on these, sir.
Governor, I speak for everyone
when I say...
Let me assure you, Governor...
Comdt. Mauser
does not speak for this academy.
Governor, what I meant to say was...
Get a hold of yourself, you idiot.
You're making the Governor sick!
Well, Mauser.
You certainly made
a lasting impression on the Governor.
The only impression that counts, sir,
is in this file!
We'll see who's got an academy
when this is over.
Proctor!
You have nothing to worry about, sir.
Right. Just leave everything to us.
We'll make Mauser eat those words.
Let's go.
- Mahoney.
- Right.
Okay, come on now. Guys!
Girls.
Girls, of course, I'm sorry.
All right, keep it up! Number one!
Take it on, drive it in here! Keep
it alive. Take it in, drive in!
Keep your arms up! Take it! Take it on...
Try! Bring it back. Stop. Stop the playing!
Give me the ball. Gather around, girls.
I want to talk about something.
I want you to remember from yesterday...
Come a little closer. All right.
Remember from yesterday,
you pick and roll? Now, ready and break!
Number two. Keep it alive.
Police Academy
to Sgt. Mahoney. Come in, please.
Sgt. Mahoney's office.
Get me Mahoney,
and get your feet off the dashboard!
Good, take it along now.
- I'm sorry, Sergeant. I didn't mean to.
- That's okay. My pleasure.
Sgt. Mahoney, I just heard,
Comdt. Lassard needs help.
Lassard's in trouble?
Give it back!
Wait. Wait for me!
Go, Morn!
Sgt. Hightower, come in.
Shit.
Hightower, get rid of the pantyhose...
and report to the academy immediately.
I'm on my way.
Eugene?
Hey, Eugene.
Tackleberry?
Come on out, Eugene. I give up.
You outdid yourself this time.
Olly, Olly, oxen free?
All right, come on, Tackleberry,
I'm tired of this.
Quit fooling around in the backyard.
I'm serious. I got something to tell you.
All right, come on, Eugene.
I'm getting pretty tired of this.
Come on, Eugene,
I got an important message...
Good one, Tack. Really fooled me.
Mahoney called.
He said Lassard needs help.
What a wonderful moment,
my favorite graduates back.
The academy is facing
its greatest challenge.
After many years...
of graduating many fine police officers,
the State says...
it can no longer afford
two police academies.
God knows what they did
with all the money.
We have a tradition to uphold...
a reputation to defend,
and defend it, we will!
- Thank you, Mahoney.
- Anytime, sir.
With our new recruits and your help,
I'm sure we can survive the competition.
There can only be one winner.
But also only one loser,
which works out nicely.
I certainly hope we win.
Then I can retire
with the same sense of dignity...
I have always brought to the academy.
Whoa!
Dismissed.
Get out of my way,
or I'll start playing rough.
- Don't do that.
- No, I will not!
You have the stupidest idea.
Put down that suitcase.
- You are not going to that police academy.
- Wrong!
Aah!
Finally, don't you think one policeman
in this family is enough?
Stop it! I don't care what you say!
- Great, great.
- Great.
Okay, listen. See, I just wanted
to join the force to be with you.
I mean, we can ride together, we can wear
matching uniforms, share ammo...
everything that makes a marriage work.
Honey, look. Listen to me, sweetheart.
- Police work, it's just so dangerous.
- I don't care!
Oh, no. No, you don't!
You let go of me, mister,
or face the consequences!
- Good morning, Facklers.
- Hello, Mrs. Pectelli.
It is hell out there on those streets.
- All right. Okay.
- Come on.
Sweetie, what? Come on.
We're adults.
I know we can talk this thing out.
Exactly. I know you're smart enough
to do that work. It's just that...
I'm the breadwinner in this family, and
you're my lady, and your place is at home.
Right? Come on, give me a kiss.
What do you... Come on.
You think I can't break this down?
Open it up, sweetie.
I'm a policeman. I'm trained
for this kind of stuff, you know that?
All right, big joke. Open that door!
Come on. You said we'd be adults.
Hey! That's my...-
- Do you want to kill me?
- I have thought about it a couple of times.
Honey, stop it right now! I'm serious!
I don't care.
I wanna go to the police academy.
Listen to reason, will you? Listen to me
right now. You are not gonna...
- What are you doing?
- I want you off this car now!
I just waxed this car.
You'll get me into so much trouble.
This is a city street,
not a drag strip, thank you.
If you don't like it, you go around me!
With volume on the New York
Stock Exchange as of this hour...
at 56 million shares in moderate trading,
with the Dow Jones up 4 points at 1507.
The dollar is showing renewed strength
against foreign currency...
gaining 10 percent against the pound...
on rumors of the Fed's
dropping interest rates.
The uncertainty of interest rates
is affecting the bond market.
Trading has been cautious
and will remain...
This is not Le Mans!
Porter. Redcap.
That's right.
Could you help me with these, please?
That's right. Come on over here.
Thank you. That'll be fine, thank you.
Porter.
Please, sit down. Please.
Um, uh, um...
Zip your lips, slap your butts to the seat
and listen hard!
That's a lot better.
Let me be the first to welcome you
to the fabulous Midcity Police Academy.
We're about to begin
an incredible 14-week adventure in living.
I'm one of your hosts,
Sgt. Carey Mahoney.
And as you exit the bus,
please form a double line.
And march them!
Who did that?
Say, man, this place is crazy.
Suckers always making me dance
and stuff.
What kind of place is this?
I don't look like I'm gonna make it.
You'll make it just fine. Keep dancing.
Hmm. Good.
Good, tall. Good.
Good, strong.
Excuse me.
And who might you be?
Tomoko Nogata, of Tachikawa Nogatas.
"And is this your lovely wife?"
- Proctor.
- Yes, sir.
- What's the story here with Fu Manchu?
- Fu Manchu.
I don't have a Fu Manchu.
I'm talking about the stir-fried shrimp
from out of town!
He's with the Tachikawa Highway Patrol...
part of an international exchange
program, here to study our methods.
I'm not teaching my cadets
how to use a wok!
You ship him off to Lassard's.
He'll fit in perfectly over there.
He could use a good sushi chef.
- No offense, eh?
- Arigato, thank you.
Kiss my what?
Excuse me, sir.
- Ma'am! I'm a ma'am!
- I'm sorry.
Those guns make it difficult to tell.
- Are you an instructor?
- Affirmative.
Are you a new recruit?
- Yes, I...
- She certainly is. But she's terribly shy.
Stand up straight, Sarah.
And don't babble.
What will the instructor think?
- Now, just pay attention...
- Stifle it!
Don't worry, Sarah.
When we're finished with you...
you'll have nerves of steel,
ice in your veins...
and a set of brass balls this big.
No favoritism here, Eugene.
Bud, here, he fouls up,
you give him a good whack.
- Ha-ha-ha. Gotcha!
- That was a good one. Pretty sneaky.
Caught me off guard.
You take care of yourself, son.
And pay attention to Eugene.
I'm proud of you.
You're gonna make one hell of a cop.
Thanks, Dad.
Would you give this to Mom for me?
Ha, ha. Don't forget to buckle up.
That was a good one.
Sorry!
Boy, my dad and I have
a terrific relationship.
Does anybody know how to shut
this thing off? It's driving me nuts!
Thanks.
Okay, that's $700.
- Plus tip.
- Here you go.
Hey. Hey, Wait a minute. What is this?
What do you think you're giving me here?
What, are you kidding?
I don't take any money
with pictures of tuna fish on it.
Come on, American money.
Let's go. $700, that's what you owe me.
Wait a minute. Excuse me.
What's going on here?
- Not enough. He owes me $700, plus tip.
- $700 for a cab ride?
- Where did you catch this cab, Yokohama?
- Yokohama.
Excuse me. I'm Officer Carey Mahoney.
May I be of some assistance?
- Yes. This guy is trying to rip off this guy.
- "Rip off."
- Read the meter. The meter don't lie.
- ls this true? And who's your barber?
Look, wise guy,
don't think a blue uniform scares me.
- No, sir, this is not a scary uniform.
- No, it's not a scary uniform.
- Hightower!
- That's a scary uniform.
This man just said something
about your mother.
He also charged this guy $700
for a cab ride.
- A rip-off.
- Meters don't lie. Read the meter.
They don't lie. They never lie.
Meters don't lie.
This meter lied. It's a lying meter.
- Fair price.
- And tip.
- What's your name, son?
- Nogata.
- Nogata? New recruit?
- Yes.
- Right over there.
- Thank you. Okay.
- Thanks, Hightower.
- Okay, babe.
Excuse me.
That sordid little scene
must have been trying on you, Miss...
Karen Adams.
You're Karen Adams?
You're kidding. Aah, we're roomies!
I'll help you settle in.
You'll take your clothes off...
- we'll shower, get close...
- I'm sorry.
I'm not here to get hit on by every guy
who looks cute in a blue uniform.
I want to be a policewoman.
You will be!
We'll get together. We'll talk! I hope.
Oh.
Well, Mahoney,
I see you still have very good taste.
Ha, ha. Thank you.
Nice bike!
Where do you put the batteries?
Ha-ha-ha.
Get out of my way!
That didn't hurt!
Hi, was I going too fast?
Where do I go to register?
- Let's go. Kirkland, 46!
- Yeah, all right.
- Fackler, where do you think you're going?
- With him.
- Women downstairs!
- Damn!
Move it! Let's go. Come on now, girls!
- Move it.
- All right, Sweetchuck, let's go.
- Aah!
- Hey!
Oh, hi.
- What's your problem?
- He's the problem. He's an animal.
Get used to it. He's your roommate.
- Aah! Roommate?
- Zed's reformed. He's on our side now.
Yeah. I used to be a real jerk,
but now I'm a people guy.
It's tough to be a truck driver cowgirl
You're awake!
What kind of music do you like?
You like salsa? You like reggae?
Something with that love beat?
This is a song I wrote, off my first album.
And it goes something like this.
When I was a baby I had no head
I couldn't get a job, I couldn't go to bed
It was originally a love ballad,
but I kind of spruced it up.
No, I don't take requests.
All right, clowns...
I want you to police this entire area
from here to the parade ground.
I want you to pick up every cigarette butt,
every scrap of paper, every weed.
Now, we're gonna be watching
from my window.
So if I see these flashlights stop moving,
you're both in big trouble.
Big trouble. Now, get to work.
Let's go, Chad.
- Mr. Zed.
- No school.
- Mr. Zed.
- What?
- Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Of course it's gonna work.
It's working.
Hup, two, three, four.
As you can see, sir,
I have instant access over all my cadets...
and all of the instructors.
Attention! Give me 20 pushups, now!
There's no escaping the camera's eye, sir.
As you could see,
I can monitor the gym, the classrooms...
The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show?
Oh. Good! This is the episode
where Natasha and Boris have Rocky...
It's an old one, though.
I've seen it. Rerun.
We have a few bugs
to be worked out, sir...
but I'm sure
you'll tell the evaluation committee...
about the wonderful work
we're doing in...
Ah-ah-ah. You're chapping your lips
on the wrong butt, Mr. Mauser.
I have no say
with the evaluation committee.
Besides, I want both academies
to look good.
Oh, so do I, sir. So do I.
And when may the committee
be coming by, sir?
The committee is spending the rest
of the week at Lassard's academy.
Next week, the Governor has them
snooping around the downtown precincts.
So that gives you...
a couple of weeks
to perfect your ass-kissing.
That's plenty of time, sir.
Hi.
Two and three.
Ah, Callahan, there you are.
We have to talk to you
about this evaluation thing.
I'll see you at my...
And four! And one, and two, and three!
Close there. Whoo!
Not only must you know all traffic laws...
you must also master
high-speed driving.
Now, we'll begin today
with a leisurely spin around the course.
Hey. Watch where you're going, lady!
Okay, you can start the car now.
But if I hear any of those things,
you've failed.
Oops. Wrong key. I'll be right back.
That's no problem.
Very often in the field...
the dog can be your best friend.
Your most faithful partner.
Oh, I love dogs, and they love me.
Hi, boy, hi.
First... Out.
Thanks.
It is important to develop
the master-dog relationship.
If you show any fear...
the dog will not respect you.
- Sweetchuck.
- Me?
- Order the dogs to sit.
- They won't listen to me.
They will. Come on, try.
Go on, have a seat.
You've got to show them who's boss.
Sit!
Ha!
At this time...
I would like to
introduce to all of you...
my instructor,
the man who taught me how to fight.
Please welcome, if you will...
Sgt. John Hurney.
Now, can I have a volunteer?
Can I have a volunteer?
Very good, Nogata.
I don't believe it.
Oh, boy!
He's great!
You, uh, have impressive moves for a cadet.
Thank you.
You see, it's a matter of the mind
being mightier than the bosom.
Interesting theory.
I said bosom, not sword.
Sounds like a common mistake.
No. I mean no disrespect.
It's just that she's so...
Wow.
Wow. What a woman!
Hit the showers!
See what I mean?
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Ugh!
Miss Macho.
All right, men, it's 2200.
Time to hit the sack.
Let's go.
You're dead meat, copper!
Let's move it!
- What time is it?
- 3 in the morning.
All right, everybody!
Everybody up! Let's go!
Outside!
Let's go!
Come on, you sludge buckets.
If I can keep up this pace, so can you.
Let's go, maggots.
A good cop is always prepared.
A good cop knows the city streets.
- Are you gonna be all right, Hedges?
- He'll be okay.
- Can I help you with anything?
- No, we're here now.
- Bye, Hedges.
- I'll have to be fed intravenously.
Just lie down.
What is this?
It's my bed. I pick up in New Delhi.
Posture-o-pedic. Very good for back.
Hello? Hello?
Who is that?
What...? Who is it? Don't...
Do you want to, like,
borrow my shampoo?
Freeze! Identify yourself.
It's me, Mr. Sweetchuck.
You look like a man
who's going AWOL to me, mister.
Yeah, I am. I'm tired of having a roommate
that's an animal!
I was happier when I was at home
getting mugged!
You look me in the eye
and tell me you're quitting!
Hey.
Don't worry. I'll take care of you.
You give me a chance...
and I'll make you into a man.
Even if it kills you.
Feel good? Let's go.
Sergeant.
A good kick may be all that stands...
between you and the excruciating pain...
of a .357 magnum slug
shredding your vital organs.
Fackler! You're up.
(Ya)'-.
Kirkland!
Zed!
- Sweetchuck!
- Sweetchuck, what's the word?
- Kill.
- Let me hear it again.
- Kill.
- Now go for it!
Whose bright idea was it to meet here?
It was my bright idea.
This is some beautiful view, isn't it, sir?
The twinkling lights of the city,
stars in the heavens...
the moon in the sky.
And Mr. Sandman flying
from rooftop to rooftop.
Where?
What the hell is that?
Give me this damn thing.
Well, how'd it go?
The committee knew right away
we were hopeless.
Good.
Now, I want you guys
to take the cadets downtown...
for some fieldwork.
We can't do that. Cadets don't go
into the field till after their tenth week.
- They're not ready for anything like that.
- I know that, you moron.
That's the whole idea. Next week, the
evaluation committee is gonna be there.
- Oh, I get it, sir.
- I doubt it.
Heh. Sorry, sir.
I'm gonna be there
when Lassard's guys screw up.
You guys make sure they screw up. Get it?
- Yes, sir.
- Get it?
- Yeah.
- Good.
Punch him! Punch him!
One, two, three, four.
That's great. He's looking tired. Good.
Your legs are rubbery.
- Knock him out. Let me hear you say it.
- Knock him out.
Come on, come on!
What are you doing?
That's not the way I taught you to hit.
You gotta hit like this. Like this!
NOW, hit him!
The eyewitness is still
the main source of convictions.
Mr. Miller, I want you to take your time.
Study these men very carefully.
Then tell us if you see the man
who robbed your store.
Let me reassure you, Mr. Miller...
the suspects cannot see you
when it's dark in here.
Well, Mr. Miller? ls he there?
You sure they can't see me?
My wife said they'd see me,
and not to do this.
Mr. Miller, bright lights in there...
dark in here. He can't see us.
Do you see him?
Bringing cadets into the
field this early...
has all the makings
of one of your lousy ideas.
What's the matter, Mahoney?
No faith in the cadets?
How hard can it be, Miller?
ls he there or isn't he?
I don't know.
He really didn't steal that much.
Well, the hospital stay was quite restful.
I wish I'd listened to my wife.
For God's sake, Miller, will you
take your balls out of your wife's purse...
and finger the dirtbag?
It's him!
- Come on, you son of a bitch! I'll kill you!
- No, it's him.
He's the one, the priest.
Sir, honestly, we had no idea
the evaluation committee would be here.
We thought
it would help advance the training.
- What do you mean, we?
- It was a lousy idea.
Now I've got a bunch trainees hanging
around with this damn committee!
I've been, like, noticing you,
and you're a nice enough lady...
but you're too tense.
You got to relax. You got to calm down.
You take the big guy,
I'll take the little guy.
We got a cop.
No sweat. This is my old gang.
Would you like to go out to grab a burger
and then go to the movies or something?
I'd like to introduce you guys
to the future Mrs. Zed!
Hey, son.
- Excuse me, Officer.
- Yes, ma'am?
We are sitting in the nonsmoking section...
and that man refuses
to put out his cigar.
I'll take care of this, ma'am.
Excuse me, sir.
You're sitting in a nonsmoking area.
Would you please extinguish that cigar?
Drop dead.
I'll put it out when I'm finished.
You'll put it out now, mister!
Hit it!
NOW, go get him!
- Hurry up!
- I'm trying. I'm going as fast...
- Drive!
- Aah!
Will this count against us, sir?
You know, I've been here at the academy
many wonderful years...
and I'm very fond of it.
- The new cadets are doing well?
- Yes, sir.
- We are going to succeed now, aren't we?
- Yes, sir.
Good. Good, good.
One more ping out of you, Jonesey,
I'll tape your lips permanently together.
Hey, Jon...
Listen, everybody.
I want you to forget today. You don't have
to be ready for the field yet.
- We sure proved that.
- It wasn't a total loss.
Of course it wasn't.
One police car and two civilian cars
completely totaled...
three citizens' complaints...
two members of the evaluation committee
under heavy sedation.
I wouldn't call it a total loss,
would you? No.
Bartender, how about some champagne
for me and my associate?
We're celebrating. Come on, Proctor.
- Let's just get out of here.
- No.
Boy, that's a waste of champagne, sir.
Now, what is that crack
supposed to mean, Mahoney?
It means we don't think you can tell the
difference between beer and champagne.
You know something?
You two are brain dead.
Oh. Bet you can't. Loser pays.
- You're on, Mahoney.
- Can I have a beer in the same glass?
- Mind if we blindfold you, sir?
- Why?
- We wouldn't want you to peek.
- Right.
- See anything? Huh?
- No.
- Sure?
- No, I can't see.
Okay. Round and round
and guess the drink.
Oh!
You win! He always wins!
All right, we'll pay up.
Let's get out of here.
- You two jerks.
- You really showed them, sir.
- Proctor.
- Yes, sir?
Oh.
Give me a hand with this. Take it off.
No, don't go slow.
Go fast, so it doesn't hurt.
That hurt. Am I okay?
It's nice. There's a
mirror right here, sir.
I got no eyebrows.
- Where are my eyebrows?
- Right here, sir.
- This is going very well.
- Yeah?
Oh, yeah. That's great. It's coming.
That's great. That's nice.
You're gonna like that, sir.
Let me see it.
Look at that. Look at this,
this angle over here, every angle.
- I can't see it!
- It's yours.
So, what do you think, sir?
I think I like it.
Commissioner Hurst was very upset.
He used many bad words
to describe our academy.
Some were even foreign.
Italian or Irish, I think.
This is survival of the fittest...
and after what happened downtown...
it seems we're not very fit.
- Sir, you're not giving up, are you?
- Of course not.
I have no doubt we shall be victorious.
Well, I have a little doubt,
but, basically, I'm an optimist.
Now, I know the committee
will be observing us here...
and in the field,
and at the Policepersons Ball...
so we must do nothing
to dishonor the uniform.
- What was I saying?
- Dismissed!
Right.
This map will pinpoint trouble spots...
over a 10-square-mile area.
This dispatch unit has a 200-mile range...
and a computerized city grid.
This computerized city grid
tracks police vehicle movement.
- Is that clear, everyone?
- Yes, ma'am!
Yeah, why not?
In tear gas training...
the manual says
you should have your mask on.
Be out of here 30 seconds after
the canister comes through the window.
Any questions?
Good luck.
- Nice throw, Hightower.
- It went in, didn't it?
All right, everybody out!
Everybody present and accounted for?
I feel good. I'll be in
there if you need me.
Look, I know you people
have had a tough week...
but there's something you should know.
You may be the last class
to attend this academy.
I don't know if this means anything to you,
but it sure does to us.
That's why, we not only
want you to keep up the good work...
we want you to work harder.
Because we think that you people...
can be the best class
this academy has ever seen.
You can do it. Believe me.
Once, even I was a screw-up.
Let's go out there and win one
for Comdt. Lassard, okay?
Okay? Yeah, come on.
Okay. Yeah.
Attention!
Dismissed.
Did you hear that?
No? Of course not. How silly of me to ask.
You're too far from the window.
- Look sharp, Mahoney.
- Right.
- Sgt. Mahoney.
- Yeah.
- I was really impressed by what you said.
- Oh.
You really care.
Yeah. Just don't spread it around.
It might ruin my rep.
I owe you an apology for the way I acted.
You were just trying to be cute.
Trying? On a cuteness scale of one to 10,
I'm an eight.
- Five.
- You're right, I am a five.
Listen, I'll accept your apology
if you accept mine.
- Deal.
- All right. You know something?
Have you ever felt,
after meeting someone for 10 minutes...
- you've known them for two, three years?
- No.
- Oh.
- Aah! Mahoney.
- Thanks, Mahoney.
- Welcome, sir.
Excuse, please. Shall I come back
when all is well with your mind?
My mind is as well as it gets,
but you look a little tense.
You see, I have great confusions...
about Sgt. Callahan.
You've come to the right place, brother.
Grab yourself pad and pencil because...
the love doctor is about to speak.
Yo!
In my country, it is written...
only kiss of beautiful woman...
can compare to petal of a rose...
."babe.
In America, talk is cheap.
I love America.
Hey. Hi, there. Remember me?
Ah, yes, of course. How could I forget?
Who was that?
Just an old friend.
Why are we celebrating?
It's Mauser, 42. Lassard, zip.
You think we're doing that well?
- Mahoney.
- Oh.
How's tricks? Not to worry.
Oh.
Your friend forgot to wear
her "for rent" sign.
Oh. She's such a sweet kid.
My aerobics instructor.
Mahoney, see this ear?
It's a finely tuned crap detector.
Oh. And a lovely ear it is. If I blow
in it, will you follow me anywhere?
Well, I'm surprised
you had the nerve to show up...
after your cadets humiliated
the Police Department.
Personally, it makes me sick.
How about you guys?
Don't you guys think...
Coming, Commissioner.
Will you think less of me
if I call him a slime bucket?
Mm-mm. In fact, I'll have my aerobics
instructor confirm it. I'll be right back.
Hey.
- So how you doing?
- Terrific. I need one of your special favors.
- Right here?
- Mm-mm-mm.
Oh. I just love a man
that eats shrimp that way.
- You do?
- Oh, yes.
Come on.
- How does he do that?
- The question is, why does he do that?
It is a power of the mind.
Allow me.
What kind of idiot klutz are you?
Come on, dumpling.
I witnessed the entire attack, sir.
My apologies, Mrs. Hurst.
May I say Copeland is not one of my cadets.
He is a member of Lassard's staff.
You look different, Mauser.
Are you putting on weight?
Come on, dumpling.
We'll get you cleaned up.
That's Lassard's staff, sir.
Send me the cleaning bill on that, sir.
You want the last shrimp?
- There's only one thing that I want.
- What? I'll call room service.
Don't be silly.
What I want is for you to wait in there,
in the bathroom...
while I get ready.
- Why can't I wait in here?
- We just met.
Come on, can't a girl be
a little bit old-fashioned?
I'll call you just as soon as I'm ready.
Come on, it's kind of drafty.
I'll get some help.
A little patience. I'll be out in a minute.
Hurry up. Somebody wants to use the...
Come on, let me in! Hurry up!
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I'll make up your room in a minute.
Where you going with my cart?
- My cart.
- Let me borrow it.
I'm a police officer...
It's mine.
What's this?
Hi. Warm tonight.
How's it going?
Aah! OW!
It's a comfort
And a strange kind of notion
Knowing that you got complete devotion
To feel no matter what's the problem
Together we can solve it
It's a team thing, it takes two
It's all the time me, all the time you
It's a team thing I'm talking about
It's a team thing all the way out
It goes like this now
Oo-00 shoo-bee-do-d00-bee
Oo-oo shoo-bee-do-doo-bee
No one could ever make me doubt you
They know I care too much
About my baby
It's a team thing, it takes two
It's all the time me, all the time you
It's a team thing I'm talking about
It's a team thing all the way out
It's a team thing, it takes two
It's all the time me, all the time you
It's a team thing I'm talking about
It's a team thing all the way out
It's a team thing, it takes two
hands him the ticket,
and the driver said...
Ha-ha-ha. That's real funny, sir.
Great joke teller, the Commissioner.
Are you enjoying yourselves?
Are you comfortable?
Waiter, round of drinks. On me.
Drinks are free, you idiot.
Oh. Yes, sir. How stupid of me.
If you don't mind
my saying so, Mrs. Hurst...
that fruit punch stain
dried real nicely.
You are not going to influence
this evaluation committee.
So will you please stop
all this slobbering?
Sir, I think I can get it under control
if I could only find out who's winning.
Well, let's just say that Lassard's cadets
have not exactly impressed them.
Thank you very much, sir.
Get hold of yourself, man.
Good Lord! You're falling apart.
- Excuse me. Commissioner?
- What the hell do you want?
We've had reports of a naked man
terrorizing the hotel.
He's obviously not at this table.
- Mauser!
- Yes, sir.
Would you take care of this naked person?
Naked person, yes, sir!
I'll get right on top of him!
Proctor!
Well, glad to see you enjoying yourselves,
men, despite the bad news.
Bad news? There's been bad news?
Well, bad news for you, good news for me.
Your cadets have been doing
their usual fine job...
so it looks like I've got this one
in the bag.
Congratulations! I'm so happy
when someone I know wins.
I always think these contests are fixed.
Wait a minute.
- If you're winning, then...
- You're losing. Ha, ha.
Sorry to spoil your fun.
- It's not fair.
- Any ideas?
I could twist off Mauser's shiny head
and roll it down the street.
Hold that thought, Hightower.
Come on. Damn it!
Oh.
Governor, Commissioner...
Ladies and gentlemen...
may I introduce you
to a very special man, Comdt. Mauser.
As you know, the committee's
been evaluating both of our academies...
and they're very close to a decision.
And you know what this man
said about that?
It's a fact...
It's a "facahamahoma."
Does this man have a way with words?
He said you can't judge an academy
by rushing its cadets out into the field...
or by seeing whose cadets
marched the straightest, no.
Do you know what the man,
I like to call "Mr. Policeman," said?
"Forget any mistakes cadets
have made over the last few weeks.
They were just learning.
It's these last days of competition
that should determine the winner."
Comdt. Mauser, I salute you.
We all salute you!
This is the final day
of the evaluation competition...
and though Comdt. Mauser's academy
is in the lead...
it's how you perform today
that will determine our winner.
Police personnel
will monitor your performance...
at crime locations.
My advice is to treat this
exactly as if it were real.
Attention!
Dismissed!
I'm going to accompany the Governor
to the charity regatta.
He wants one cadet
from each academy to go with us.
But the competition, sir.
The Governor thought it would be nice
to evaluate cadets in a social situation.
Proctor, what is this?
Hurst said one from each academy.
They're just as good as one man, almost.
The phone's got my quarter
and the operator won't give it back to me.
I'll handle this, ma'am.
- Operator, this is Sgt. Tackleberry.
- So?
- Please relinquish this lady's quarter.
- I told her we'll send her a refund.
You'll pay her now!
OPERATOR". I'm sorry, sir,
would you like to speak to...?
Stand back, ma'am.
Can you identify your quarter, ma'am?
Sgt. Hooks, we got a 10-48 in Sector 1.
Send in Tackleberry.
Tackleberry? He's across town.
Hightower's only three blocks away.
Send in Tackleberry.
You heard him. Do it.
- Sweetchuck!
- What a lobby.
Secure the elevator. I'll take the stairs.
Easy.
Sgt. Hooks, there's a 10-48!
All right. Send in car 46.
Car 46. Car 46.
Hightower, there's a roving gang
in the Gower district.
Oh, boy, this is it.
Right, right.
Take a left...
No, you're going towards the expressway!
Take a U-turn on...
Make a U-turn on Flint Street...
No, you're going towards the expressway!
What is that?
No, wait, make a U-turn!
- Where are we going?
- Just relax.
Not a word.
Then you go around. Stop! Don't...
We're with the Governor at the trophy.
The purpose of the regatta, of course...
is we're hoping to raise about $20,000
for my campaign.
I was going to...
- Good luck, Governor.
- We're moving toward the punch bowl.
Hello, Judge. Pick a winner, huh?
We've stopped.
- Would you back off?
- We're backing off.
What are you trying to do, injure him?
Comdt. Mauser's cadets
never abandon their posts, sir!
Unlike some cadets I might mention, sir!
Holy cow!
Mahoney.
Mahoney, somebody, I need help.
I need help.
Listen, the busboys...
are shooting my nose.
Did you read that? Was that for real?
We heard it. Sir?
- Maybe we better check it out.
- What about the evaluation?
One of my boys may be in trouble.
Screw the evaluation.
I love it when you talk dirty, sir.
Mahoney must think
he's as dumb as we are.
- We're not gonna fall for that stuff.
- Yeah.
He must be getting desperate,
trying to sucker us with that crap.
Go.
ROBBER 1
Come on, let's go. Come on.
Get your hands in the air. It's a stickup!
If there was trouble,
Baxter would let us know.
Take them, boys.
Don't you touch that.
No, not the one for bravery.
There's the Yacht Club.
How are we gonna get there, Sergeant?
How do you look in a wet suit?
Hand over your money and jewels
and nobody gets hurt!
You'll never get away with this.
I'm the Governor.
The Governor? Did you hear that, boys?
We got the Governor.
Hooray!
You must be breaking your mother's heart.
Why don't you ask her?
She's right over there.
Hi.
- Oh, yeah. She looks like you.
- Hmm?
Gather our boys. We got trouble coming!
Spread out, spread out. Spread.
I can't get Baxter.
Something's going on at the marina.
Right over there. Take the next right.
Just relax.
You've got the right to remain silent.
- You passed it.
- They're not yielding.
- Pull over to the right.
- Yield!
You're missing it. There goes the right.
We're in a police car
and they're not yielding.
Move!
- Stop. Hold it.
- Mahoney!
Police officer. Stop right there!
Karen, I'm going after the Governor.
- Are you okay?
- Yes.
- You do look good in a wet suit.
- So do you.
Freeze!
Drop it!
Go ahead. Make my day...
punk!
Freeze, cop!
Uh-oh. Trouble.
Banzai!
Yeah.
I didn't mean to hit you.
I hate you. I hate you.
Hey. Pull over.
Mahoney, you all right?
I'm okay. Just keep going.
Hey.
Get out of my way, old man.
Mahoney's in trouble. Let's go!
You got it. Oh!
Proctor, you're an idiot.
You were born an idiot,
you'll always be an idiot.
Dive.
Whoa!
Yahoo!
Move it, Proctor.
I got this side,
you paddle on the other side.
Uh-oh. on. Hey, hey, hey!
Hold it!
- Hey!
- No, no, no!
You okay, sir?
Aah! Look out.
Let's talk. Ha!
- You okay?
- You need help?
- Where's the Governor?
- Governor!
Don't move, dirtbag!
All right! Can we go again?
I'd like to thank the members
of my racing team for their assistance.
I couldn't have won...
without the help
of my many wonderful instructors...
and my many fine cadets.
Thanks to all...
this academy
will carry on its fine tradition.
Ha!