Hello, Mrs Simmons...Mary.
Hello, Mr Haskel.
Here's your shirt, Jimmy.
I turned the cuffs. Thanks.
Little enough for letting Mary
practise here. Oh, it's all right.
How is she doing? Encourage her.
If she practises, she'll be good.
I'll be back in an hour.
OK. I'll take good care of her.
Hop to it, Mary.
Mary, give me an "A", please.
That's it. OK, thanks.
When are you going to get new
records? You haven't worn out those.
Won't be long now.
Hi, Tommy. Tomatoes for my last
lesson. Tomorrow, I'll bring bacon.
OK, here's your horn. I think
you left your music over there.
Uncle Charlie, glad to see you!
Jimmy, I'm glad to see you, too.
What brings you here? I came
because you didn't answer my letter.
I wanted time to think it over.
Come in, Uncle Charlie.
I...I wrote you...
I wrote you three months ago!
Was it that long? You know
how it is, a fella gets busy.
With these things, you have to
change the oil every thousand miles.
Jimmy! Jimmy!
I came up to have an important talk
with you. Go ahead. I'm listening.
Can't we go some place
without this infernal racket?!
Yeah. We'll go in my room.
Where? Right over there.
Here we are.
That chair needs fixing. It's
a trade for a second-hand clarinet.
Jimmy, I'm not going to
beat around the bush.
As you know, we've not been close.
After all, we are the last of
the Haskels. Is that very serious?
I want to keep the name of Haskel
in the health-food business.
I understand. I want to keep
our name in the music business.
I'm talking about BIG business.
Can't you understand?
I need you, Jimmy. Some day, you're
going to get everything I've got.
But you won't get it if you fritter
your life away in this town.
This whistle stop.
I like it here.
My dad was happy here.
I could never understand my brother.
I told him when he opened this place
he'd never make a go of it.
It failed successfully for 25 years.
That's not bad.
If he'd listened to me,
he'd have been a rich man. But, no.
What did he have when he died? The
biggest funeral this town ever saw.
Everybody was there.
Everybody owed him money. Maybe so.
Dad had a wonderful time living.
He liked hunting, fishing, music.
Music!
He talked a great deal about you.
He did?
Always seemed to feel sorry for you.
Sorry?! You didn't get anything
out of life. Just making money.
Is that so? Since when has
making money been a crime?
I'm not going to argue with you. And
I'm not going to get upset. No, sir!
Jimmy! Jimmy!
Uncle, I'm sorry.
Don't hit him. He's an old man.
It was the chair.
Are you hurt? Don't mind me.
Hello, Bud. Can I talk to you?
Yeah, outside here.
Excuse me a minute, Uncle Charlie.
Afraid I've got some bad news.
What's the trouble, Bud?
I'm to take up this attachment
unless you've got money.
Take it up. Unless you think eggs
are gonna go up to 500 a dozen.
See what you can do. I'll hold this
off as long as I can. Thanks, Bud.
He was just telling me
about some people
that wanted musical instruments.
He's the sheriff. How do you know?
I knew his father.
He was serving a paper on your
father the first time I was here.
Well, you can stay here chasing
rainbows
or I can show you
a real pot of gold.
I...I... Wait. That's a good idea
for my radio show tomorrow night.
You've heard my Happiness Hour
of course. Everybody's heard it.
Once. Listen to this.
Clouds that make the day so grey
must sooner or later pass away.
There's a pot of gold at the end
of the rainbow. Homespun philosophy.
Oh, boy.
I've got to be going.
What are you going to do?
Unless a miracle happens in
the next few days,
looks like I'll
slide right down that rainbow. Fine.
And land right in the pot.
What was I saying? And furthermore...
And furthermore, I see no reason...
What was I saying? And furthermore...
I see no reason to change the air
guns we use to puff rice and cereals.
Our air guns are exceptionally quiet.
I therefore would suggest...
There goes that band again.
Oh, I'll settle this.
How can a man transact business
with that going on?
Tom-toms, jungle screeches.
They're a menace to sanity.
What did I say? Tom-toms and jungle
screeches. No, that's what I mean.
The McCorkles took that band in
to annoy me.
That's why
they've ignored my protests.
It's a new band. Who wants a new
band? Let them do it in a cave.
Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!
Walawalawala!
I'll settle this once and for all.
Hey! Hey!
You! Hey!
Hey, you! Somebody, hey!
Hey! Hey!
What's the matter?
Stop that blasted bedlam
or I'll have it stopped!
Oh, you will, eh? You and who else?
The police! I'll have them thrown
in jail for disturbing the peace.
Disturbing the peace?
What about that air gun
booming all day and night?
I suppose that's a baby's lullaby,
you white-headed old baboon.
That boom is this business.
Besides, we're all used to it.
The band is business. You can get
used to it. I'll get an injunction.
Oh, you will, eh? Listen,
you black-hearted old skinflint.
You want me to sell my house
so you can enlarge your factory.
I'm not selling. Not at your price.
Call the cops if you think
you can have this band thrown out.
You just wait! You'll find out!
Go ahead, boys. Go to it, but loud.
Jasper. Go and get Jasper.
Jasper! Jasper!
Find him.
Don't stand there like a dummy.
Do I have to do everything? Jasper!
Do you want me, CJ? Why aren't
you here when I need you?
Get the police. The police?
The militia if necessary.
That woman has insulted me for the
last time. You said that before.
This time I mean it.
That band is driving me insane.
It certainly is. Have them arrested.
I will. Good.
# Hi, Si, what's a-cooking?
Hi, Si, how's she looking?
# Life will be as sweet as can be
# If I find a cookie
that's looking for me
# Hi, Si, di-di-dida,
di-di da-da da da da-da
# All day long I wash and dry
To keep my cookie away from Shanghai
# Shine for you?
Ten cents implies a revenue
# Your dogs will get a real shampoo
The real Magoo
Fresh fish!
# Dum-dee dum-doo diddly-dum
# The fortune teller told me
I was gonna clean up. #
The apples good? I supply the Ritz.
They'll do for the McCorkles.
I'll take half a dozen.
Here, Willy.
What am I? A packhorse?
Anything else, Miss Molly?
That'll be all. Thank you.
Here, stupid. Well, take it.
Thank you.
Come on. Too bad you can't carry
a few bundles without complaining.
I don't mind carrying them.
Well, who are you?
I'm the guy carrying the bundle.
Thanks. I thought my brother
Willy was behind me.
He went ahead of you. I'm terribly
sorry. You must have been surprised.
Life in the city is one surprise
after another. For instance?
Band music coming down out of
the sky. That's up on our roof.
On your roof? The band is on
the house, until we get a job.
Are you with the band? My sister
Donna and I sing. Mother feeds it.
It certainly is a swell band.
Not everyone agrees with that.
You mean the neighbours object?
No. The neighbours are...
Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.
As you can see, Miss McCorkle,
I'm here with the law.
For protection?
No. This is your last warning.
That music must cease!
I'm coming, Molly.
What does this weasel want?
As if I didn't know. No violence.
Speak to her, officer.
Hello, Mom.
You're in bad company.
I'm here to give you an ultimatum.
That band are disturbing
the entire neighbourhood.
The entire neighbourhood? Does
it disturb you, Mrs Papadalis?
No. It keeps me young. Disturbing
the peace. And you, Mrs Sweeney?
My old man can't fight
when he hears music.
They will, will they?
The hoodlums, the ruffians.
Go back to your kennel and tell
old man Haskel what you've heard.
What's going on? You've heard
of the Hatfield and McCoy feud?
This is between the McCorkles
and the Haskels. Who? Come on.
What are you doing?
Looking for a nice soft one.
Oh, quit kicking me!
Look out. Now, just a minute.
Just a minute. You might miss him.
Down.
You hoodlums! You'll pay for this!
Now.
Stand aside...
I hit the wrong man.
No, you hit the right man.
Run! No, wait. Come on.
They got me. It's blood!
I've been shot. I've been stabbed.
You're all right, CJ. I'm not
all right. Call an ambulance.
It isn't blood, CJ. It isn't blood?
What is it? Tomato juice.
All's clear. Come on in.
Boy, you sure do know
your back yards and fences.
I'd have been faster without you.
I didn't want you to carry my case.
Have a doughnut, hero.
It's the best I can offer.
Hero? Me? You certainly are.
They may put up a statue of you,
like the discus fellow.
It was an accident - hitting my...
that man. It was a stroke of genius.
Everybody hates Haskel. Why?
I could give you a reason for every
dollar he's got in the bank.
He's trying to drive us out because
he hates music. What a stinker.
The name of Haskel
is poison around here.
It is?
Well...
I guess I'd better be going.
What's your hurry?
I have to find a place to live.
I was going to live with a relative.
If you'd like a place
where there's never a dull moment...
What's going on? What do you want?
He needs a place to live. Are
you in a band or are you paying?
This is the fellow
that hit Haskel with a tomato.
Oh, glory be.
You darling!
Why didn't you tell me?
So, you're the fella.
Don't look any further. You're
living with us. Give me the bag.
That's nice, but... No buts. The
best room is none too good for you.
Whether you can pay for it or not.
Give me the bag. ..Willy!
We've been looking for you.
I've finished that arrangement.
Take this bag up to the big room.
Does anybody else carry anything?
Stop grumbling.
Let me see it, Horace.
These changes are swell.
Slide over, Frankie.
All right, boys, let's go.
# Say, when he starts to play
# The kids begin to trail him
And they all say
# Hooray for Pete the Piper
# And when he plays a song
# The kids never fail him
They sing a song
# Along with Pete the Piper
# People gather round
when they hear the sound
# The Campbells are coming,
Hooray, hooray
# When their lively feet
catch the piper's beat
# They start to sway
# And then it isn't long
Till all the folks are dancing
# Their hearts are gay
When he plays them a song
# When he's done all that
They pass the hat
# For fascinating Pete the Piper Man
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to butt in.
Get 'em, boys.
I didn't mean to bust things up.
Quiet, please.
Can you read music? Sure. Play it
like this. Me? Stand over there.
OK, Frankie, pick it up.
# People gather round
when they hear the sound
# The Campbells are coming
Hooray!
# It won't be long
Till all the folks are dancing
# Their hearts are gay
When he plays them a song
# When he's done all that
They pass the hat
# For fascinating Pete the Piper Man
# Fascinating Pete the Piper Man. #
Boys, look who's here. Grady.
Grady!
Oh, Molly!
Grady's been pounding the beat
out by the dumps.
A little argument
with old man Haskel.
You should have been here.
You'd have been even for life.
What happened? Oh, boy. Plenty.
What they call poetic justice.
It must've been good.
It was perfect.
Well, come on. Come on. Out with it.
Old man Haskel came steaming over
here, and he got hit with a tomato.
Right in the kisser.
It was a soft one, naturally.
The hit-and-run kind.
Nobody knows who did it, I hope.
Nobody but me. But I'm big-hearted.
Boys, meet the sharpshooter.
Molly McCorkle, will you never
learn to keep your big mouth shut?
What did I say? Too much.
Open up, boys. Open up.
Open up. Open up.
My boy, you should have a medal.
Instead, I have to give you this.
Thanks very much. What is it?
A warrant for assault and battery.
Old man Haskel swore it out.
Come on, son.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Wouldn't you like to give me
a good kick before you go?
It's OK. It's been fun here.
I enjoyed jumping over those fences.
If I get this thing straightened
out...I hope you let me come back.
And thanks for that doughnut.
It was... It was all right.
Er...well, come on, Grady.
Yeah, yeah.
Next case.
Hold everything.
We'll be right there.
Molly, where are you? Come on!
Order! Order in the court room!
Mrs McCorkle, sit down.
Listen, Mike.
Don't get on your
high horse with me. Sit down!
Now, what's this case all about?
Young man, what's your name?
My name?
I'd prefer your real name.
Er...well, my name is...
James Hamilton...
James Hamilton. Put that down.
Where do you live, James Hamilton?
He lives with us.
419, 63rd Street.
Tell me, James, how did you get
enmeshed in the coils of the law?
I threw a tomato.
He's too modest, Mike.
Hit him with a bull's-eye
right in old man Haskel's face.
He did?
Where were we? I'd just thrown
the tomato, Your Honour.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Now tell me, Jimmy, my boy,
did you with premeditation
and intent aim at Mr Haskel's face?
Well...
He refuses to answer on the grounds
that he might incriminate himself.
You certainly know the law.
Having weighed the evidence,
the court rules
that the case be postponed
and the defendant released on bail.
Provided anybody has any money.
Is 200 enough?
That was the exact sum
the court had in mind. Who has it?
I have it, Your Honour.
The clerk will accept it.
Next case. Thank you, Mike.
Stand aside, please.
Move over Who are you pushing?
Take it easy, will you?
Don't push me!
Here comes double pneumonia. Open
the windows. I smell stale tomatoes.
Very funny, Mrs McCorkle.
Very funny.
I wish it'd been you who threw that
tomato. I'd have put a rock in it.
You would, would you? Well...
Proceed with the case, judge.
I'm here.
Where's the man that assaulted me?
I'll conduct this case without any
advice from you. That's telling him.
Move along.
In you go.
All right, take it away, Eddie.
I bring a charge against the hoodlum.
Before I give evidence, he's allowed
to walk out right under your nose.
First, he wasn't under my nose.
Second, he was released on bail.
Third, you're in contempt of court.
I sentence you to 25 days or 25.
That ain't enough, Mike.
Quiet.
This is an outrage, a travesty
of justice. 50 dollars or 50 days.
What? Make up your mind. It's worth
50 to tell you what I think.
Is it worth 100? All right.
But you wait until the next election.
You wait until... I'm waiting.
Until... Your Honour, it appears
that I haven't any money with me.
Take him away, bailiff.
You can't do this to me!
You can't do this to me!
# As he sang
# In the evening
# By the moonlight. #
What about
Johnny Toots His Horn?
We don't want that.
We want something to pick us up.
Johnny Toots His Horn. What did
you say? Johnny Toots His Horn.
Do you know it? Yeah. Let's see.
# You gotta get up, you gotta get up,
You're in the army now
# Johnny blows the bugle
Knows the call from A to Z
# But he's always at his best
When blowing reveille
# Mmm-mmmmmmm
# When Johnny toots his horn
# Disturbing the peace at break
of the dawn. You gotta get up
# You're in the army now
# Before your eyes are open
You're dressing on the run
# Standing at attention with the
sergeant's hat and corporal's gun
# Oh, Johnny blows and blows
He toot-toots you into your clothes
# Then makes you rue the day
that you were born Day you were born
# There's nothing anyone can do
# The captain has to make it through
# You've gotta get up
When Johnny toots his horn
TAPPING
# La la-la la la
# He toots you out of slumber
He toots you out of bed
# He toots you into line, then he
goes somewhere and hangs his head
# But still he blows
and blows and blows,
blows and blows, blows and blows
# Blows and blows and blows,
yeah, yeah
# He wakes you with his crazy tune
Goes to bed and sleeps till noon
# You've gotta get up
When Johnny toots his horn
# He stands behind the barricade
And plays his morning serenade
# The private gets up
The corporal gets up The sergeant gets up
# The captain gets up
The major gets up The colonel gets up
# The general gets up
The army gets up You gotta get up
# When Johnny toots his horn
# When Johnny toots his horn. #
Music? Even in jail I hear music.
You'll get used to it.
Let me down. Take your hands
off of me. Stop this nonsense.
You're nothing but hoodlums!
Jimmy, my boy. Uncle Charlie,
fancy meeting you here.
It's a miscarriage of justice.
They can't do this.
Why are you here?
Just another country boy who got
mixed up with evil companions.
What's wrong?
Too many prisoners.
Someone sneaked in. What?
Defrauding the taxpayers,
that's what it is.
Gangway. Line up there. Line up.
You, what's your name? Haskel.
OK. We've got a Haskel.
Stand over there.
What's your name? Haskel.
A wise guy, huh?
I suppose you're all Haskel.
Yeah.
What's your initial? James H.
I got no James H nothing.
So you're the stowaway.
You ought to be locked up.
James, my wallet is in my office.
Get it and pay my fine.
I'll be right back. So long, fellas.
So long, Jimmy.
Hey, can you sing?
No. I hate music. We've got to
do something about this, boys.
Say "Ah"!
Ahhhhhh!
Hey! Jimmy, where have you been?
Yeah, yeah.
Well... Me? I...
I'll have to... What's the matter?
We've been looking all over town
for you. What for? What for? Come on.
Hey, here's Jim.
Molly, Jimmy's here. What did I say?
I knew he'd come back.
Where have you been?
I got locked up by mistake.
You had the boys worried.
They thought you'd run out on them.
So what? They pawned
their instruments for your bail.
Molly's idea. Oh, well, thanks.
Nice to know
I'm worth 200 on the hoof.
First call for dinner!
You're back. You'll eat at the
first table. Look after him, Molly.
Don't touch a thing. Get up,
all of you. What's the matter, Ma?
We've got a new member to the clan.
You sit here.
Willy, get up. Stop your grumbling.
Ssh!
# Hail McCorkle
# Hail McCorkle
# We proudly sing thy praise
# Mmm-mmmmm
# Hail McCorkle
# Hail McCorkle
# Where no-one ever pays
# Welcome to this university
for the fraternity
# Rah! Rah!
# Welcome to our little college
Hooray!
# And as we march along
# We'll sing our college so-o-o-ong
# A knife, a fork and a spoon
# Will beat out a happy tune
# You'll all feel chummy
as you fill your tummy
# With a knife, a fork and a spoon
# Start tap, tap, tapping a dish
# You'll get your favourite wish
# Send troubles dashin'
while you're corn beef hashin'
# With a knife, a fork and a spoon
# At Ma McCorkle's table
That's where we play each night
# We eat all that we're able
# Though we may fuss,
It's home to us
# So come on lift up your cup
# Let's drink it down, bottoms up
# Through stormy weather
We'll all stick together
# With a knife,
a fork and a spoon. #
# We're gathered round the table
# We're real friends through
and through
# We're gathered round the table
# To eat Ma's Irish stew
# Ma's Irish stew
# Boarding house, dear boarding house
# From here we'll never roam
# Oh, boarding house,
dear boarding house
# To us you're home sweet home. #
Say, that was all right.
You're now a member
of the McCorkle clan.
Do I make a speech? If you do,
you'll starve to death. Irish stew.
There you are.
Tomatoes? Thank you.
Well, help yourself.
No tomatoes.
What's the matter? Nothing. Nothing.
Er, would you excuse me?
I don't feel very well.
Too much excitement.
Maybe you're right. The jail and
everything. I'll get some fresh air.
Willy, you'd better go with him.
Sure. You don't...
Maybe I'd be better off
if I went up to my room.
Willy, show him his room.
I do everything except eat.
If you want anything, just holler.
Home sweet home. Thanks.
# When Johnny toots his horn
Disturbing the peace
at break of the dawn
# You gotta get up
Toot-tootly tootle...
No, no. It's outrageous.
You're getting better.
I don't want to. I hate music!
You're so unreasonable.
All right. All right. All right.
Try it again. Put in some gesture.
# When Johnny toots his horn
Disturbing the peace
at break of the dawn
# You gotta get up
Toot, tooty toot-toot
You're in the army now
# Before your eyes are open
You're dressing on the run
# The corporal's got the sergeant
at attention with his gun
# When Johnny blows and blows, he
toot-toots you into your clothes. #
Jimmy!
Where have you been?
You'll be sorry for this.
Look what they've done to my voice.
How am I going to broadcast
the Happiness Hour?
Couldn't you call it off? What?!
Say you lost your voice singing
in a jail. Don't be ridiculous!
Ladies and gentlemen, due to
circumstances beyond our control...
We bring you the Haskel Happiness
Hour.
Makers of Haskel Pattycakes
the health food supreme.
HE CROAKS: Ladies and gentlemen...
I can't do it. I'm croaking.
Jimmy, you do it. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Mr Haskel will be with you soon.
Ladies and gentlemen! Ssh! Ssh!
Tonight, I want
to share a little poem with you.
We...all should be grateful
and happy as kings,
The world is so full
of such wonderful things,
The rain and the sun
help the earth to grow wheat...
Hey, Willy. What do you want?
Listen to this.
The sun on the oceans...
Forget about him...
Just listen for a moment.
The pansies... The pansies
and lilies, the primrose so fickle,
They're ours to enjoy
without spending a nickel.
Good evening, sir.
Evening, Parks.
Parks...is the guest room in order?
Certainly, sir.
This is my nephew, Mr James Haskel.
How do you do, sir?
Same to you.
Is your luggage in the car, sir?
I just had one suitcase...
Why are you whispering?
You started it, sir.
I lost my voice, singing. You?
I'll get my suitcase.
We have everything here.
Come on.
HE RASPS: Here you are, my boy.
This is all yours from now on.
I'm so happy to have you
with me at last. Thanks.
In case you need anything.
That's fine.
We'll have breakfast at 7.30. Then
I'll take you over to the factory.
I'll put you on the payroll. I don't
imagine you've got much money.
Your cashier cashed a cheque for me.
Your personal cheque?
For how much? It was certified.
214. That's what was left
when I closed up shop.
That dismal episode
is behind you for ever, my boy.
Tomorrow is another day. With more
music by the McCorkles, probably.
Jimmy, that old lady is deliberately
trying to wreck my health.
Why? Because I want her property.
That's unreasonable. It's getting
on my nerves. I can't stand it.
Why don't you go on a vacation?
The McCorkles will think
they chased me out of town.
That's what they want.
Nothing will stand in the way
of my getting the man
who hit me with that tomato!
This is my room if you want me.
I'm going to take a hot bath
and go to bed. Good night, Jimmy.
Goodbye, Uncle Charlie.
# Do you believe in fairy tales?
# I do-o-o-o
# I know a place where fairy tales
# Come true-ue
# Just close your drowsy eyes
my dear
# And a genie will appear
# He'll take you by the hand
# And through a star-embroidered sky
# On a carpet you will fly
# And you'll awake in fairyland
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
# A prince will ride upon the scene
# La-la-la-la-la-ah
# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
# He'll say, "Fair lady, be my queen"
# La-la-la-la-la-ah
# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
# In this beautiful land of laughter
# You'll live happily ever after
# If you believe that fairy tales
# Come true. #
# Do you believe in fairy tales?
# I do
# La-da-da-da-da-da
# I know a place where fairy tales
# Come true
# La-da-da-da-da-da
# Just close your drowsy eyes
my dear
# And a genie will appear
# He'll take you by the hand
# And through a star-embroidered sky
# On a carpet you will fly
# And you'll awake in fairyland
# Do you believe in fairy tales?... #
Stop that infernal music!
You white-headed old baboon...
Quiet, wench! Jasper, where are you?
Yes, CJ?
Go and get the jester. OK, CJ.
Run, Jimmy, run for your life!
# Our prince will ride
upon the scene... #
Run, Jimmy, run for your life!
Look out, he's got an axe!
Don't touch me! What's the matter?
Look out! Wait, what's the matter?
# He'll say,
"Won't you be my queen?"... #
Oh! What a dream I was having!
Well,
you just keep right on dreaming.
OK with me!
Oh!
Good night.
Good night(!)
Hello. Hello. Is anything wrong?
We heard you on the radio. You did?
Wasn't I terrible?
Did Molly hear it? No. That's good.
What goes on
between you and CJ Haskel?
I'll tell you, he's my uncle.
Oh, yeah? Here. I'll prove it to you.
Here's a letter to James Hamilton
Haskel. Want to read it? No.
What is this? Why are you here?
I almost forgot what I came for.
There's 200 for your instruments.
Did you get that from your uncle?
You don't know my uncle.
Thank you, Jim.
That's OK. I like the people here.
Especially... I like everybody.
I'd like to live here.
But as soon as Molly finds out...
Suppose she doesn't find out.
That would be nice, but...
You didn't have to get that dough.
I'm for you, Jimmy. Horace?
Sure thing.
Well, thanks very much.
I've still got troubles. Sooner or
later, Molly will find out who I am.
Just like old man Haskel
will find out who threw that tomato.
It just won't work.
Either way, I'm a dead duck.
How's your uncle going to find out?
He'll see me at the trial.
What if he didn't show up?
They'll throw the case out. We'll
get rid of Uncle Charlie. How?
Red can run over him with the wagon.
Do you think he would? You couldn't!
Red'd love it. I'll get him.
Wait. Couldn't you do something
not quite so drastic?
Any ideas? Yeah, I think
I'd better go back to Point Jurvis.
Uncle Charlie's tough. You'd better
find someplace else to rehearse.
So long, Horace.
Willy, thanks for everything.
Jim, wait. That's it. The band.
He doesn't like it.
No, he certainly does not.
Come on.
Tooty toot-toot.
Jimmy?
Do you think it will work, Horace?
If this doesn't fall off.
Yes, Uncle Charlie?
What are you doing? Who is this man?
I was worried about you. This is
Professor Heidt, Uncle Charlie.
I don't need a doctor.
I eat my own health foods.
It's my nerves that are cracking.
I'm here to work on your nerves.
Relax, please.
How can anybody relax
with that music going on?
Music?
Music?
What music?
That creepy music.
Don't you hear it?
You see what I mean, Professor?
I tell you, I hear music!
Maybe it's the radio in the library.
It's not the radio. You still
hear it? Yes, it's still playing.
Where does this music
seem to be coming from?
I don't know.
Just a moment, I'll tell you.
It's here. It's plainer down here.
Don't you think you'd better
go back to bed? I hear it.
Here.
Here it is.
It's coming from the furnace.
Music in furnace.
Well, listen yourself.
Jimmy, please tell him you hear it.
I'll get Parks.
He'll get me out of this.
Parks will back me up.
Don't tell me you don't hear
anything.
Yes. I was getting nervous.
A beautiful string quartet.
String quartet. It's bugles!
Hears bugles on phone.
I hear bugles. It's bugles.
Don't try to humour me.
At least you're not seeing things.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Jimmy, look! What do you see?
What do you want us to see?
Girls dancing. Where?
There!
Sees paper dolls dancing on lawn.
Paper dolls. You're right.
I'm in a terrible shape.
My nerves are all gone.
What do you think I should do?
Give your nerves a long rest.
Get out of town. I'll do it.
I'll go up in the woods.
We'll help you pack. Not until I
find the man who threw that tomato.
Your health is more important
than a silly tomato.
That's right. Let me handle this.
I'll find him.
He's as good as in jail. Almost.
While you're resting,
he'll be taken care of. I'll do it.
Good. I'll take the first train
out in the morning.
What's the matter now?
The music's stopped.
All but the bull fiddle.
You're improving already.
Yes.
Hi. What can I do for you?
Hello, Mr Louderman.
Could we make the Haskel Happiness
Hour happier? Welcome, stranger.
Sit down. What'll you have? Well...
Hello, Mr Baccus.
What's this meeting about?
To discuss the programme.
I'm in charge during Mr Haskel's
absence. He trusts me. Not 100%.
I beg your pardon? My uncle has
given me charge of the programme.
It didn't take long to undermine me.
You could have written it.
There'll be no changes...
I'd like to talk to you.
Yes, we should talk this over.
I'll be right back.
I'd like to make other improvements.
Go right ahead.
I'd like to use a band.
No. We have loads of bands.
My uncle hates this one.
It drove him up to Canada.
Why do you want them on his
programme? It'll give them a break.
Then they'll have to thank my uncle.
He'll feel good. Up in Canada?
There's a feud going on. A feud?
Then there's a girl.
Oh, a girl. Yeah.
Sounds pretty confusing,
doesn't it?
No. It sounds pretty good. It does?
You play Thursday night
at the Eastchester Country Club.
How did you do it? I talked, he
listened. I'm as surprised as you.
How much do we get for it?
Nothing. You don't get anything.
What of it? We don't get money
for playing to the neighbours.
At least this way there's a chance.
I'm sold. What can we lose?
It's OK with me.
Give me a push.
Bon soir, monsieur.
What did he say? Bonsoir, monsieur.
You made me walk for hours
to get to a place
where no-one speaks English!
What kind of a guide are you?
Avez vous a machine, talkie-talkie?
I don't think so.
I've got a good one right there.
I'm not a peddler. This one's busted.
I want to hear an American programme
at eight o'clock. Help yourself.
Here. Get this avalanche off my back.
Oui, monsieur.
"Oui, monsieur."
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
We're about to start our broadcast.
Well, boys, here we go.
Good luck.
Are you scared?
Just take a deep breath.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
The Haskel Happiness Hour
'from Eastchester Country Club.'
Country club?
The first appearance
of a new band...
Music? On my programme?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Horace Heidt.
The first number is Broadway
Caballero, featuring Molly McCorkle.
McCorkle?
And here she is, the charming Molly.
# He's disarming, alarming
Charming and gay
# First, he steals your heart
Then he throws it away
# He will tell you
of tropical nights
# Make you dream
of a thousand delights
# First, he'll hold your hand
Say you're simply grand
# Soon you're thinking his way
# Caballero
He's never been south of the border
# He's never been Argentine way
# When he starts to pet
The chances are you'll forget
That he's a Caballero from Broadway
# South on Broadway
# He'll hold you and say "Senorita,
right here in my arms you must stay"
# And from his dialect
You'd never suspect
He's the Caballero from Broadway
# South on Broadway
# His daytime,
he spends parading on the Avenue
# Then, later, you'll find me with
a girl or two and a third in view
# He'll take you
to all the gay places
# He'll make every Latin cafe
# He'll give you such a thrill
Then he'll hand you the bill
# This charming
Caballero from Broadway
# South on Broadway
# When Madame Lazanga
learned the conga, I swear
# I gave her the lessons,
then I gave her the air
# It seemed to be love in bloom
And then suddenly, boom!
Another girl took over from there
# I know if you meet him
you are likely to fall
# His methods are sense
because he catches them all
# He'll sing you a serenade tenderly
played on an old mail-order guitar
# He'll bring up
the subject of dancing
# And all of his pupils will say
# He's such an awful crumb
but no-one dances the rumba
like the Caballero from Broadway
# South on Broadway
# He'll tell you he lives in
Argentina's biggest house
# But we know his hacienda is
a boarding house run by Senor Klaus
# He's such an impetuous fellow
He's like a dog having his day
# This phoney Don Amigo
Really comes from Oswego
# For a Caballero from Broadway
He does OK!
# You'd better lock your heart or
he will tear it apart
and then it's
just the start and you're in trouble
# You think you're up on top
but you are due
for a drop because
your dream will pop like a bubble
# He's the kind of man
that you'll never forget,
the diamond Caballero from Broadway
# Way down south on Broadway. #
Molly, you were wonderful.
Put this on before you catch cold.
Louderman said the band are worth
1,500 a week. 1,500 a week?
That means we're a success!
I've been double-crossed.
Get me a drink.
Bands. Country clubs. The McCorkles.
Get me a drink, do you hear?
I want to tell you something.
It took you long enough.
This is something
that's been worrying me.
You don't know anything about me.
So what? You're you and I'm me.
Well... There you are. You thought
you'd made an impression.
I'll tell your uncle about it.
CJ won't pay for your philandering.
Is Haskel your uncle?
Yes. If you just let me explain.
It's all perfectly obvious.
Sneaking into our home, pretending
to help us. Please let me explain.
What a cheap trick. You are
a Haskel. Molly, they can hear you.
That's fine!
Hello, everybody.
I have good news.
Every week, Mr Haskel,
who sponsors the programme,
is going to give away 1,000
in cash.
1,000 a week?! That's a lie!
Isn't that generous, folks?
Now, Mr Haskel,
trick your way out of that.
I've got to get home. How long
will it take? It'll take two days...
How long did it take to get here? A
week. You'll make it back in a week.
Let's get started.
Jimmy! Jimmy! Congratulations.
That was a marvellous idea.
How did you think of it?
It came out of a clear sky.
"The Haskel Happiness Hour
announced
that 1,000 a week
would be given away."
I read all the papers.
Here's Mr Haskel.
Your uncle's attorney - Mr Chalmers.
How do you do? Sign this paper.
What is it? A statement that you
did not authorise that announcement.
She did it to damage your uncle.
Sign here.
Wait a minute.
Don't worry.
We can get judgment
against the McCorkles.
We can take their property.
Your uncle's been trying to do that
for years. Sign here, please.
I don't like to be pushed around
or sign anything I haven't read.
Get out of here!
Don't hit me again. I have glasses!
Mr Haskel...
Good day, sir. Good day.
Beautiful, Parks.
Thank you, sir.
Why don't you answer the phone?
Hello? Oh, Jimmy, my boy,
how are you?
You want to talk to Molly.
Well, I don't think
it's a very good time to...
Just a moment.
Fight your own battles.
I'm not doing it for you.
I don't want...
Well?
I hate to annoy you
but this is important.
That 1,000 offer was my idea.
Just don't argue. If anybody asks
about it, follow Grady's advice.
Don't tell me to keep my mouth shut.
Why should I?
If you don't,
they'll take your home.
I don't need your help. ..What?
Don't be stupid.
I'm doing it for Mom and the boys.
Oh!
Excuse me, sir. Mr Louderman
and Mr Samson. Have them come in.
Hello.
Hello, Jimmy. Congratulations.
Your programme was a knockout.
Calls from all over the country.
This is Mr Samson.
How do you do?
Mr Samson is an investigator
for the federal government.
What's the government
got to do with it?
We want to know how you'll give away
the money.
That shouldn't be hard.
Nobody has trouble giving away
1,000.
It cannot be a lottery.
No raffles or drawings.
Oh, yes, I understand that.
That would be...
Well, how about a quiz contest?
It said the money would be
given way over the air,
not to an audience.
That sort of complicates things,
doesn't it? Let's see...
Stick a pin the city directory
and give that person the 1,000?
No. That would be local.
This has become national.
Let's call it off
and not give away the money.
No, no. The money was promised.
I would lose my franchise. Your
uncle's business would be ruined.
You could be fined and imprisoned.
Well, that's great.
I have quite a choice, don't I?
I give the money away and go to
jail, or I don't and go to jail.
Hand me the salt.
Still mooning about Jimmy, huh?
You've seen the last of him.
He's probably glad he's found out
what you're like. All right, Mom.
It's not all right. Jimmy deserves
a girl who really loves him.
Whether his name be Haskel
or Hassenpfeffer.
Well, I hope you're satisfied.
What's the matter now?
Nobody can figure out
how to give away that 1,000.
Jimmy's going to jail because of it.
This is awful.
But I made the offer.
He says he'll take the rap. Are
you going to let him go to jail?
Jimmy said... I know why he said
it. To keep a roof over our heads.
I'd rather lose our house
than lose our pride.
Oh, Mom. I've been feeling
the same way all week.
Yes. ..No.
..Not yet.
Gentlemen, someone's got to
think of something and soon.
The programme goes on air tonight,
not next month.
We're no closer to the answer
than we were a week ago.
Yes... I've got it!
It came to me just like that.
We'll get that glass bowl they use
for the draft numbers. That's it.
I'm proud of you. That'll do it.
The government forbids lotteries.
No. Not yet. I'll see if I can
dream up something else.
You're not sleeping. No. I'm eating
aspirin tablets like peanuts.
I've got it. What?
The first time I've beat this game.
Why don't you all
go to the broadcasting station?
Maybe I'll think of something.
We'll get out. Samson, come on.
No. ..Not yet. Put that thing
off the hook and leave it off.
Thank you, sir. Yeah.
Are you all right, Jimmy?
I'm just getting my second wind.
You'd better think of something.
7.30. Heard from Jimmy?
No. Nobody answers.
How are we to go on?
When it's 8 o'clock, you're on.
From coast to coast.
Coming, Mr Haskel. Coming.
About time. Why didn't you
answer the telephone? You see...
How do you like that? Ow!
Come on! Wake up! Get up. I can't
do it. It's against the law.
It's Molly. Get up!
Oh, it's you.
Yes, it's me. Now, come on.
I suppose you want to know how
I'm going to give away the 1,000.
I don't know. Go home. Go home?
You come down here as fast
as you can. On your feet, big boy!
If you think we'll let a Haskel
fight our battles, you're cuckoo.
We won't let McCorkles kick
us around. Go on. Go away.
Still going to sleep, huh?
Just a second. Don't you dare.
You can't do that.
Where's the telephone?
What are you doing? I'm going to
tell them what happened.
Give me that. I've made up my mind.
Let go of that phone.
No, I won't. All right.
That's it!
Hands spinning around. Millions
of telephones and telephone books.
Parks! And it's not a lottery.
Get my coat. Goodbye.
Ow! Oooh!
The Haskel Happiness Hour
presents Horace Heidt
and his Musical Knights.
Before this programme is over,
we will give away 1,000 in cash.
The method of giving it
will be announced later.
# Here we come, all bright and gay
# It's the charge
of the Heidt Brigade. #
Here I am, CJ.
Did you stop the programme?
It's on the air now.
I'll tear down the studio.
Why am I in the radio business?
Jimmy, have you got an idea?
This is it. Take 'em.
They're telephone books
from all over the country.
Go and get the rest of them.
Gangway.
We're going to give
the money away by telephone.
Cut the books into sections of 500
pages. Put numbers on each one.
Get a table.
After you. Thank you.
Nice going. Come on, Parks.
We have to go.
Same to you. Fine work.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's
the news you've been waiting for.
'The 1,000 will be given away
by telephone.' That's my money!
I won't stand for it.
I'll cancel my contract.
Get me to a telephone!
How are we going to
borrow the wheel?
Come on, boys! Take home the bacon!
When I yell "Snooky", you borrow it.
What's Snooky? Get going.
Snooky! Where have you been?
Madam. Why did you leave me
the way you did?
Madam, I...
Why, you're not my Snooky at all.
A character. How do you like that?
Where... I've been robbed!
Police! Get a policeman.
Police! I've been robbed!
Gangway!
Hello. May I use your telephone?
Ma, Daniel Boone
wants to use our telephone!
Go away, tramp. No-one uses the
phone 'til they give away the money.
Tramp? Daniel Boone?
Look out! Look out!
Fellas, help out here.
Quiet. We're on the air. I know.
You can't go in there! This ain't
a hillbilly programme. Let go!
I'm no hillbilly!
CJ, when did you get here?
Louderman! I want to talk to you!
All right, Horace. Go on.
The wheel is ready to spin for the
first volume number. Take it away!
There she goes,
ladies and gentlemen.
We want that volume
to have your name in it.
I'm not going to give away one penny.
OK, but I've got three sponsors
begging to buy this programme.
They must be crazy. Is that so?
They're from the biggest
advertising agencies in America.
What?! Wait a minute!
We want you to be the one
that Horace calls later.
It's going on and on and on.
And it's 124! 124!
124!
I've got it!
We're ready for the spin
to determine the page number.
The second spin to find the page in
that volume we chose a moment ago.
It will have the 1,000
winner's name on it!
This is Mr Haskel. The best
advertising stunt I've ever seen.
Is it good? I'll give you 20,000.
Is it that good? I'll make it 30.
Trying to steal it, huh?
She's going down to find the right
page. She's stopping. Page 66.
Page 66.
66!
I got it!
Now the final spin to determine the
person who will receive the call.
Larry, take it away.
This time, all the names
on the page of our chosen volume
to find the name that
we can send our pot of gold.
It's slowing down more and more.
There it is. Our listing is 38!
Listing number 38.
Ten. Fifteen. Twenty.
Thirty. One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
It says...
The name is Mr Olaf Swenson.
3RJ, ring seven. Ring seven?
Plunkett. Plunkett, Minnesota.
Plunkett, Minnesota.
Kindly give me Mr Olaf Swenson, 3RJ,
ring seven, Plunkett, Minnesota.
Ja, I'm coming. Keep your jacket on.
Ja. Hello?
Stop the clock, boys.
Is this Mr Olaf Swenson speaking?
Ja. That's me.
A pot of what?
A thou... You give me...
I ain't got no time
for monkey business.
What?
You give me 1,000?
Helga!
Why you make my Olaf faint?
What?
A thou...
Oh!
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Folks, they're speechless.
It's my million-dollar idea.
They brought you back alive.
What are you doing here?
Enjoying our programme.
What are you trying to put over
on me? It belongs to me!
It does, does it?
The whole thing was Molly's idea.
Molly's idea? Who is Molly?
We've got you out of the mess.
You're not liable.
Miss McCorkle is responsible
for the whole thing.
You nitwits! You numbskulls!
Get out of here! Get out of here!
That's swinging them, Charlie!
Charlie?
And Molly is responsible
for the whole thing.
Where are you going? Out.
Horace got the call through on
the telephone. Everything's fine.
Yes. Everything's fine.
Yeah... I guess it's just
one of those things.
The McCorkles are allergic
to the Haskels.
I expect so. Yeah, I expect so.
Goodbye, Molly.
Bye.
Well, Jimmy? Uncle Charlie. You come
with me. You're in on this, too.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let me introduce
the people who originated
what will be a permanent
feature of the Haskel Happiness Hour.
Miss Molly McCorkle
and my nephew, Mr James Haskel.
Tell them how happy you are.
I'd just like to tell you how happy
I am everything turned out well...
Ladies and gentlemen, she's happy
because we're going to be married.
All right, Miss McCorkle,
trick your way out of that one.
Toot tootly-toot! Tootly-toot!
# When Johnny toots his horn
# The band will play
# Your blues away
# When Johnny toots his horn! #