Seeing that
this is the first scene,
can they understand
what they're about to see?
Focused?
This is not a confession.
This isn't... he said she's dead.
This is the truth.
We're not murderers.
We're not monsters.
Your turn, Chunk.
What?
Okay, Jordan.
When I said
I wanted to make a movie,
this is not what I meant.
Uh, you said video
and correct me if I'm wrong
but who doesn't like...
funny faces,
right, Chunk?
Huh?
How are funny face videos
going to get us...
Continue.
Girls.
This is our last year
of high school
and I don't want to be
remembered
as some girlfriendless
loser.
Chunk's a girl and she likes
funny face videos.
Right, Chunk?
See?
I mean real girls.
No offense, Chunk.
Well, if female companionship
is the ultimate goal,
then there's only one video
we shall make,
a frame by frame
remake of 1979's
Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
I, obviously,
will be Captain Kirk.
Jordan "Spock",
Chunk "Scotty. "
And I have all the costumes,
so I mean...
Okay,
my dad didn't buy me
that camera so that you could
get a hard on playing Spock.
You're Spock, I'm Kirk.
But, pray tell,
what kind of video would
you like to make, Jordan?
I'm getting
a girlfriend this year.
Period.
Happy birthday.
Dang.
Dang, what?
Something came up.
Dang!
Connor?
What did you do here?
I'm trying to fix it.
Fix what?
It's brand new, Chunk.
Brand new junk, maybe.
You're vociferating
like a... Romulan.
I'm not voc... okay,
I don't even know
what that means.
I think angering him.
Okay, yeah.
I was voc... because
I told you not to bring...
Fascinating.
My expertise says,
"Captain, there's something
wrong with this bloody thing. "
Yeah, like no color, man.
Fuck. Fuck!
Your camera will be
repaired, okay?
Finish your video.
Hey,
we're here for you.
Copacetic?
Tell me a time
I've ever let you down before.
All right,
can you hurry?
Eve's birthday
is tomorrow, so...
Eve Goodwin?
We're doing all this
for Eve Goodwin?
Here's the receipt.
Don't lose it.
You're paying for that,
even if it means selling
every ounce of blood in that
extra grande body of yours.
It's not broke
no more, man.
See? Dang.
The only thing that's broken
is my nose, my glasses,
and my dream of breaking
John Meringer's record
of 12 Star Trek Adventures
in a row.
Wait, but I thought
the doctor said
that your nose would be good in,
like, 2 months.
True, but my mother's making me
pay for new glasses
from my own bank account
which means no money,
no convention,
no collectibles, no justice.
Quit it.
Just making
sure we're good, man.
Dax hit this pretty hard before
Connor caught it with his face.
What?
Dax Gaiman did this?
What was he doing
at an electronic store?
Cutting in front
of us in line.
Snatching your camera away,
appeasing his demented
sense of humor.
So Connor says
something.
Dax says something.
So Connor shuts up.
I was weighing my options.
Then Dax yells "catch"
like Connor's face
is a baseball
mitt or something.
Ugh!
The good news is,
camera works great now, man.
What a dick.
I'll pay for your glasses.
I appreciate that.
The only person that should pay
needs to pay.
How, man?
He'll just steal our wallets
again like he always does.
I'm referring
to emotional compensation.
It's time we right some wrongs,
gentlemen.
How, man?
He'll just beat us up again.
Chunk.
It's true.
He's a Jesus freak.
They're sadists.
They like it
when everyone suffers.
Then we need to
demonstrate how our brains
are mightier than his brawn.
Is this somehow
humorous to you?
What is this?
The Wild-Wild West?
I mean, do we look like
vigilantes to you?
We couldn't even
scare ourselves.
Okay, maybe Chunk could.
Let it go, all right?
He's one bad apple.
An eye for an eye
only makes everyone blind.
The correct adage is one bad
apple spoils the barrel
and you know
as well as I that
this barrel's been
rotting for years.
It's ripe for some change.
Okay, there are kids
starving in Africa,
dying of malaria, genocide,
I mean, God knows what...
what am I doing
debating Mr. Drugged out
Frank Castle over here?
Besides,
we have Eve's video to finish.
Myopia also occurs
in people
who think
they've fallen in love.
Huh?
That's Mother.
Tomorrow at the park,
2:00 p. m.
We'll clarify
the mission further.
What mission?
Kill Dax Gaiman.
Coming, Mother.
Metaphorically, of course.
Wait, wait, wait.
What about Eve's video?
As your best friend,
I suggest you move on.
How can I without your help?
Live long and prosper...
Connor, seriously,
you promised.
I can't run the rube
and film it by myself.
This is lame!
Really fucking lame.
Yeah, so we saw Dax,
he was...
Turn it off.
Okay, but we saw...
Turn it off!
As you might
have deduced,
I was in a bit
of a carefree state
when I authored
this last night
but hopefully, you got
the gist of my email which is,
this mission, I hope to
accomplish the following.
And immediately after,
so that everyone,
and I mean everyone sees
that we boldly went where no
man or woman has gone before,
besting Dax Gaiman.
And with the anticipated
amount of views, we'll...
So in a nutshell,
our next Star Trek convention
will be completely subsidized.
Thanks, Dax.
What's that look for?
What look?
It's how I look, deal.
He's angry
because we didn't help him
finish his video.
I offered to help, but...
Okay, you is what made it
unfinished,
and that's only part
of the reason.
Pray tell the other.
You've lost
your fucking mind.
I mean, what happened
to all that Star Trek
crap you're always
blabbering about?
Logic and non violence
to solve life's problems.
Sound familiar?
This is logical
and non violent.
But if you're inferring
some sort of hypocrisy,
need I remind you, 3rd grade,
Miss Miller, Dax and I,
20 minute pow-wow.
5th grade, Principal Skyler,
a one hour discussion.
8th grade, Dax's parents,
my mother,
a two hour intervention
all of which leads us to here.
Now Dax and us
and everyone
that pumps
a little Klingon blood,
a little warrior spirit.
In special circumstances
like this,
one needs to channel it
as long as one controls it.
Yeah, well, you have
more than just a little.
Um, guys?
Prod-brain,
you devious fuck!
And I rest my case.
Touch, hombre.
You made a funny.
Don't fuckin' run,
asshole!
He was referring to me,
Chunk.
Time we beam away too.
Coming?
I wasn't planning
anything devious.
Suit yourself.
Yo!
Where you going?
Pacifism, Connor.
Learn it, live it,
love it.
This recording?
I said
this shit recording?
You mean you asked.
Ah.
You know what I mean,
smart-ass.
It is! It is!
I think it is. Yes.
Oh, you are one retarded negro.
You know that?
Did you see how many
buttons are on that shit?
A lot.
Let him go.
He has nothing
to do with this.
And just be clear,
even though I'm not equipped
with my custom fabricated
dog tags right now,
my hands are deadly weapons
all by themselves.
Since I'm a master
of the ancient Armenian
karate stance Du Kan Du.
And just to be clear,
again.
It's self defense
if I kill you both.
Why you always fuckin'
with me, cry baby?
It's the other way
around, nimrod.
Oh, you see what I mean?
What the fuck
did I ever do to you, huh?
Are you suffering
from acute amnesia?
My nose, my glasses, almost
a decade's worth of emotional
and physical torment.
Stay away!
Oh, I think
I need to teach this boy
about forgiving
and forgetting.
Somebody's gots to.
Stay away!
I'm not responsible
for my attack maneuvers.
Ow!
Apologize.
Ow, for what?
For what?
Let's go down
the fuckin' list.
First, your stupid
fuckin' plan
to try to make me you,
embarrassing.
And second,
for your dad knocking up
that slutty fat
fuckin' sister of his
and for that bitch
not getting an abortion.
But thirdly
and most importantly,
the use of your hairy, nasty,
STD-infected fuckin' cunt
making all of our lives
so fuckin' miserable.
So go ahead, little bitch.
We're all eyes and ears.
Do it,
Connor, just apologize.
I'm not inbred, idiot,
my parents met at Bible camp.
Oh, if you're not inbred,
then how the fuck
do you explain you?
The only difference between
me and you, Dax,
is there was no orgy
of midget baboons
involved in my conception.
I think I need to teach him
a lesson to his face too.
Ah, help.
Jordan, help!
Smart, smart-ass.
Chill, you next.
D?
Yo, D, man.
D!
D, let's go.
Come on, let go, man.
Oh, oh, no.
You're gonna blame
the black guy.
Oh!
Damn.
Think he learned his lesson?
Man, for his sake,
I hope so.
Well, go ahead.
Look, they erased it all.
It's on.
I had to apologize
and buy Dax Gaiman a fucking
Chili's gift card
just to get this back.
It's recording.
So why would
I upload that video?
Why would you?
Not like you just stood
there and allowed them
to do it to me
in the first place.
I was cornered.
I mean, they're thuggish
and you could have apologized.
Stupider stuff
has come out of your mouth.
Ow!
What the...
It's not like you helped me
when I needed it.
So out of sheer spite,
you backstabbed us?
What?
No.
Then how did Dax know
about the mission, huh?
He knew it so well
he copied it verbatim.
L... I don't know.
I didn't
tell him anything.
I hate him as much... But
you did tell Eve Goodwin.
It might have slipped.
But what does that have
to do with anything?
Because of your weakness
and stupidity,
I'm now the internet's most
infamous shit face.
Ow, fuck!
It's not my fault!
Ow!
Dax, I must say,
thank you.
Thank you very much.
I've indeed
learned my lesson.
The lesson?
Don't worry,
it's not in Klingon although,
it is in a language
you barely comprehend.
"Purge the evil
from among you.
The rest of the people
will hear about this
and be afraid
and never again will such
an evil thing be done among you.
Show no pity,
life for life, eye for eye,
tooth for tooth. "
So, Dax, be afraid,
be very afraid
because as Captain Kirk said
in the Return of the Archons,
you are the evil.
The evil must be destroyed.
Correct, Jordan?
Focused?
Okay.
Cue music.
Make sure
it's the proper track.
Dax needs to understand
we mean business.
Hear that, Dax?
Class is in session
and you'll soon discover
No, this is not
math or English
but something even rougher
involving this.
This and you.
So let me
unlock the first lesson,
deception in the school
of hard knocks.
Focus, we mean business.
It's a little hard
when I can't breathe.
My apologies.
It must have
shrunken in the wash.
Yes, so are my balls
in this thing.
You guys hear that?
2,200 SAT, 130 IQ
and this is the best you can do?
Really?
Like the great Gene
Roddenberry,
I understand my audience
and he's currently
at a 5th grade
vocabulary level,
if not lower.
Plus from my sources,
I hear he's definitely
afraid of clowns.
No, no, I'm talking
about this whole thing.
This whole behind
the scenes look, I mean why?
Are we making a special
edition DVD too?
Practice and patience
and you would see,
this is for the most important
phase of the prank,
the execution.
The change in power between
our victim and ourselves.
Huh?
This is for Dax to realize
he's been humiliated
by some serious gangsters.
Who?
Us.
Us?
Seriously?
We're seriously
out of our league.
Enough, your pedantic attitude
is starting to annoy me.
Chunk.
Now we all know you've
claimed this as your domain.
But why?
Why, why, why?
Why is this yours to claim?
You're allowed access
weekends and nights
when no one else can.
You say, quote,
"You're cool with coach,"
but my sources tell me,
coach Reed's side
catering business
gets a hearty discount
from your uncle's butcher shop
which makes me think something
deceptive is going on here.
Run it again, man.
But, Dax, my friend,
deception cuts both ways.
See you tomorrow night,
when you'll learn the hard way.
That was your cue.
Jordan?
Idiot.
And in your confusion,
you wander out here.
And surprise, surprise.
A light and sound show,
you will indeed fear
but keep open them
eyes and ears
for it's our intention
to bring you to tears.
Where did that come from?
Don't tell me it's loaded.
Chunk's aunt's pawn shop.
And yes, it is loaded
not with bullets,
but with psychological
intimidation.
Fancy, man.
Thank you, Chunk.
Okay, I'm requesting
leave of absence.
I don't have the proper
stupidity to continue.
You mean your stupidity
is making you not see
this prank is fool proof.
Fool proof?
What about the cameras?
Uh, duh.
No.
Duh.
And the sprinklers?
Duh, and the fire alarms
after these M-80s pop?
Duh.
Fool proof?
Only proves
who's the fool here.
Duh.
Hey, summer
school's over.
Take your costume party
someplace else.
I told you guys
I heard something.
Okay, um, so music
starts and...
Fuck!
Fuck, no,
there's supposed to be
fuckin' balloons and confetti.
Sorry, Eve.
What's with
the goofy costume?
Benny and Joon, I thought
you said you loved Johnny Depp
in Benny and Joon.
Johnny Depp's cool
and Benny Hill's funny
but who's Benny and Joon?
A band?
This was Connor's idea.
He's the idea guy.
Shit face did this?
Oh, you've, um,
you've seen the video?
Everyone's seen the video.
He totally deserved it
though.
Hope he finally
learned his lesson.
Yeah, right.
Did you know he almost
ruined my life last semester?
He published a full page
story of me starring
and directing Macbeth
from the front page
to the back page
of the school paper.
Actually, he just
posted that...
My mom was Lady Macbeth
in off Broadway.
My friends were gonna put
t- shirts of my front page on it.
They all look up to me
and I was completely humiliated.
I'm sorry.
Why do you spend so much
time with that loser anyways?
I don't know.
Stupidity?
You should make new friends.
Like cool friends.
Like my friends.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
So you have something
for me, sweetie?
Oh, uh, yeah,
I almost forgot.
Happy birthday.
Oh, my God,
you shouldn't have...
I'm sorry it's late.
What is it
a gift card?
Oh.
You like it?
Oh, it's not a gift card.
Well, put it on.
No, I'm cool.
Here,
it's an antique.
It's been in the family for
three generations, I think.
It's even got
diamonds on it.
Real diamonds?
I love it, thank you.
Oh, my God,
what the hell?
It's just Connor.
What do you want?
Okay.
Um, I'll be right back.
Hold your horses.
This is why
you've been dodging me?
What does she know?
What'd you tell her?
What'd he tell you?
Happy birthday?
I should get to work.
Stop acting innocent,
you conniving bitch!
Oh, my God,
what's wrong with him?
Don't you dare judge me, cunt. Jordan.
Take that back.
You take that back.
Take what back?
I swear on the honor
of the Klingon code,
if you tell Dax our plan... Stay away!
Ow, you bitch!
Are you okay?
No!
I swear, I've never
struck a girl before,
let alone
a fairytale character,
but if my nose
is broken again...
Tell him, Jordan.
Tell me what?
Well.
Stay away, Connor.
From both of us.
You're that dense?
She's cavorting with Dax,
we saw him at the
electronic store holding hands.
We're friends, asshole.
Like that's any of your
business anyways,
you nosy prick.
We would have
told you before, we just
didn't think
you'd handle it.
Well?
Well, I can't kick him out
right now.
What if his nose
is broken again?
Enjoy your kiss
and make up, then.
Eve, wait.
What a fool.
Jordan: Eve!
Connor?
Jordan?
I'm apologizing
straight to camera.
You watching?
I'm only doing
this for you.
Eve, I overreacted.
I shouldn't have
called you a cunt.
You're not.
You're just using my friend
here for his money.
So for my poor
choice of words, I apologize.
What I should have
called you is a whore.
There, done. Copacetic?
You remember Barnes?
That obese kid in second grade
used to squat over your face
and fart until you surrendered
your lunch money?
That happened what?
Three months straight?
Until someone came over
and screamed "rape, rape, rape!"
So loud and so often
that they transferred him out.
You remember that?
I know you do.
That's how we became friends.
Look, I don't attest
to being perfect.
You perfectly
fucked up my life.
But I'm trying my best.
I understand you've
had a crush on Eve
since the 5th grade
and but to be honest,
for you the female species
has been quite elusive.
Okay, stop, stop,
fucking stop.
Stop acting like
you fucking care.
All right?
That Connor,
my friend, he's...
he's dead because
you're not him.
You've changed.
You only care about
one thing now.
You.
You're completely blinded.
Am I?
I mean, how much are you
gonna blindly sacrifice
for this bullshit
revenge you want?
Your friends, your future,
your sanity?
I'm waiting for the strings,
but yes, if I must, I will.
I didn't initiate this.
Yeah,
but you'll continue it.
Over and over
and over again.
It'll never stop,
you'll never beat Dax Gaiman
because you're no better
than him and you know it.
Done?
Yeah, I'm done.
And so is our friendship.
No, no, no, no, Jordan,
you owe me for the many years,
months, and days
that I stood by your side.
It's the least you can do.
There's a difference between
revenge and justice, you know.
Since this is your plan
we're adopting now,
wouldn't it make more sense
for you to do the prologue?
But you're such a natural.
Touch.
Second lesson in the school
of hard knocks, Dax, theatrics.
For instance, Jordan and I
in keeping with the adage
"the show must go on,"
we've set aside past differences
to concentrate on the future.
The future? Your demise.
The plan?
Not exactly ingenious...
But it'll do.
So, Dax, be afraid.
Be very afraid.
When are we picking up Chunk?
She'll need to be briefed
on this ingenious plan as well.
No, no, Chunk.
No more screw-ups.
She made one mistake once.
Does everybody need to be
as perfect as Eve now?
I'm volunteering here,
remember that.
Your apathy for me is
duly been noted. Pray tell,
what has Chunk done to deserve
this kind of treatment?
She's dumb,
she's poor, she's uncool.
She is the same exact person
you introduced to me
5 years ago when you said,
"Can Chunk
join us for lunch please?"
She's not my fucking friend
anymore, all right?
Period.
It sounds to me
like I'm not the only one
undergoing metamorphosis.
No fucking friend would...
Continue.
Chunk? You?
Fascinating.
You know, I thought
she only lusted after women.
I guess the only thing I could
say is tongue or no tongue?
Yeah, yeah,
laugh it up.
At least I don't
go around telling people
how fucking cool
Star Trek is in public.
You used to, Jordan,
and don't act like you didn't.
And you used to know
what a joke was too.
Perseverance, means
finish what you start.
And this is not humorous!
Jordan!
Assuming you're appeasing
your fetish of bouncing large
orange balls right now,
we decided to bring
our last lesson,
straight to your living room.
That lesson, Dax,
mayhem.
Are you done
with the bullshit?
If you're referring
to your attitude,
yes, I most certainly am.
Well?
Well, you officially
belong on the short bus,
what can I say?
This isn't a specular sport.
Make yourself useful.
This is so fucking stupid.
I said mayhem,
not decorative arts.
Here.
Can't we discuss this?
What's there to discuss?
They're eggs.
Throw them.
At the house.
I know.
My apologies for assuming
your complete idiocy.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, Chunk.
Fuck you, Dax.
Fuck you all.
Mayhem.
Someone's inside.
Who?
I see...
Who?
Paranoia,
there's nobody there.
I'm done.
No, we're not even
halfway done yet.
Is anybody out there?
Oh, wait,
somebody was
enjoying themselves.
Profusely.
Oh, crap.
What?
Is anybody
in Dax's family black?
Might explain
his wiggerness.
Come on, let's go.
Wait, let me raise the game.
Oh, crap.
Shit.
Oh, my god.
Fucking abandon ship.
Oh, my God.
Retreat! Run away!
Connor, come on! We got it. We got it.
Connor,
what are you doing?
Turn the camera off. It's
the biggest day of my life.
Connor! I think I might
ejaculate in my pants right now.
Dax, we now possess
the very thing
that will bring you
to your knees.
So to speak.
That'll make everyone
see you for who you are,
not all American jockey boy.
No, a flaming fraud.
And there's only
one small man
that stands between us
and justice
or should I say
one giant idiot.
Hand over the cable, Jordan.
"Distrust all in whom
the impulse
to punish is powerful
and if your friend
does evil to you,
say to him, 'I forgive you
for what you did to me
but how can I forgive you
for what you did to yourself?"
Where is it, Jordan?
"Battle not with monsters,
lest you become one. "
It's your book.
Ow! God.
Next time you get your face
shoved into a bowl of excrement,
I'll let you lecture me
on rally.
Until then...
My dad's gay.
He's on a quote un-quote,
business trip with a quote
un-quote, internet friend.
And that has pertinence
to this how?
What is this? 1995?
Jordan, are you on dial-up?
Something humorous?
You.
Me.
Us rubes.
All these little maneuverings
for what?
Something that was
right there.
Right in front of our faces.
I don't comprehend.
You and this
self-satisfaction.
Me knowing
I was right all along.
Eve and Dax, they're friends.
Just friends.
Sorry, friendo.
All tonight proves
is Dax is greedy in love
as he is
in everything else.
Don't let the door
hit your nose on the way out.
I take no joy in being
the bearer of bad news.
Tell these procurer
a slice of...
pizza by the park...
Shit.
Connor?
Who is it?
Who do you think? DAX:
Open the fucking door!
I know you faggots are there.
Oh, crap.
Open the fucking door
or I'm going to kick this
fucking thing down.
Okay. All right.
What are you doing?
What? My dad's gonna kill
me if he actually does it.
He's gonna kill me
if he actually opens it.
Just give him the camera.
That's all he wants.
Coming. I'm coming. All
right. Open the fucking door!
All right, idiot, okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
All right. All right.
What the fuck?
Where the fuck's
the camera, huh?
Ah, bitch.
Connor, Connor,
what the fuck are you doing?
Fuck.
You and your
fucking inner Klingon.
Pop quiz.
Given the choice of having
embarrassing footage of you
uploaded albeit on the slowest
DSL line known to man
or apologizing directly
to those you've wronged
and swearing
to never do it again,
which would you choose,
Daxy boy?
You're in frame, Jordan.
There's blood on
the fucking floor, Connor.
And white trash bags will
of course conceal that.
Okay, it's the first thing
I found, all right?
We don't normally
use my dad's workshop
to hold people
fucking hostage.
Oh, so letting them go
and pretending like
none of this ever happened
would solve everything?
Well, it wouldn't have added,
uh, false imprisonment
and assault and battery
to our rap sheet.
All caught on tape,
of course.
Congratulations.
You just set
a new world record
for the lowest IQ of any member
of the mammal family.
This is collateral.
That he can't ever,
won't ever bully us again.
He never bullied me.
You're too stupid
to notice it.
What?
Oh, fuck.
Where do you think
you're going, huh?
Nowhere until we come
to a little consensus.
Jordan, a little help.
Shut up.
We make your...
to rear entry only,
a lost classic
if you apologize for everything
you've ever done to us.
All right?
And for cavorting with Eve.
Connor.
Directly to camera.
Agreed?
What camera?
Ew.
God.
For the sake of magnanimity,
I'll let that go.
What are you doing?
Making sure everybody
gets a good look at this.
This ain't fuckin'
Sesame Street, cry baby.
Whenever you're ready,
Daxy boy.
Fuck you. Help!
Help! Help! Shut up!
Jordan, shut him up!
Do something! Like what? Help!
I swear I'm gonna
hit you if you don't shut up!
Fucking genius! Shut
up before I hit you too!
Fuck you!
Connor.
Connor, maybe you shouldn't,
um... maybe we shouldn't watch.
Ah, God,
he's got a hard head.
Wow.
Never seen anybody
get punched like that before.
It's kind of weird.
Gag him.
What?
Gag him.
Why?
So there's no repeat of the
banshee act, idiot.
Fuck.
Feels like a brick wall.
Mm. Mm.
He can still talk.
It's 'cause you're
doing it wrong.
Of course.
He said he was gonna shove his
ass cheeks down our throats.
Is that even possible?
Shut up!
Hold it!
Bastard!
Give me the gun.
I said get me the gun.
Go.
Stop.
I hate that.
Emotional compensation,
that's all I want.
Better plans?
Fuck!
Don't act belligerent.
Stop!
All I wanted
was an apology.
One simple apology.
9 years...
never once
did I insult you.
Never once did
I attack you.
Never once did I really do
anything to you.
But for those 9 years
you went out of your way
to make my life
a goddamn fucking hell!
Every goddamn
fucking day.
Every fucking minute
you humiliated me
and every one
of my fucking friends.
Why?
You tell me why.
Hmm?
Fucking pussy.
You're right.
I never gave you an
incentive to stop,
until now.
Frame up a good shot.
Of what?
Six chambers, one bullet.
That means...
Connor, there's no...
Shut up!
You got five chances at most
to say what you need to say.
Now.
Oh, wait.
Cue music.
What music?
A requiem.
This is so stupid.
Good.
Now...
One.
Two.
You fuckin' pussy.
You really think
you're gonna make it to five?
Look.
His Deer Hunter
is way better than
your Benny and Joon.
Well, we spoke too soon.
Look who just
sprung a leak.
Fuck you.
Unlike you, Dax, I take no joy
in embarrassing others.
Okay. Maybe a little.
Just this once.
Fuck you.
But ask yourself,
how lucky
can one man really be?
Do I want blood on my hands?
Nope.
Jordon?
Didn't think so.
Dax?
Fuck you!
Not very eloquent,
are you?
Leaves us no choice.
Ow.
Do you... do you hear that?
No.
I'm only standing like
this because I have a cramp.
Is that your father?
Help!
Shut up.
Help.
He's not supposed to be back
for another week.
Help! Help me! Help!
Shut up!
Fuck.
It's probably the pizza guy.
Go pay him.
Pizza.
Now we can continue
this party all night long.
What are you doing?
Planting roots?
Go!
What if it's the police?
Why would police
need to alarm their own cars?
No, you go, here.
But why?
Here, just take it.
I don't even... go.
Hurry.
I don't even have
any money.
Oh, crap.
Jordan.
You know your front door's
in a really awful shape.
I'm sorry
I lost my temper
but I'm not leaving
until we talk.
Crap. He's not home.
His car is
in the driveway.
Crap.
It's none of your business.
Go away.
Are you hearing impaired?
Go away.
Well...
Well, what?
My apology.
I may be blonde.
I may be a cheerleader,
but I'm no dumb bitch.
And I'm definitely not
a cunt you want to fuck with.
So open the door,
get on your knees,
and beg for my forgiveness,
if you know what's good
for you, sweety.
I'm still here.
Crap.
I know, you're metaphorically
screwing Jordan
while literally
screwing Dax.
I told Dax, your shit-faced
video could have been
so much more successful
if it was more dramatic
instead of just
playing pathetic.
The point is?
You'll pay, sweetie.
I promise.
Better be STD-free or
there'll be hell to pay.
Jordan?
Jordan!
Jordan!
Oh, crap. Crap.
Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.
Jordan.
Jordan!
Jordan.
No. No. No.
Oh, my God.
Don't.
Fuck!
How can your aunt
be so mentally deficient?
It's mental deficiency
to keep a gun loaded
in the shop and not inform
anyone about the thing.
It wasn't loaded?
Then why are there
buckets of blood?
Dax's blood that...
Hello?
Hello!
Crap,
she hung up on me.
Not my fault.
Excuse me?
Not my fault.
Why is that on?
Turn it off.
Turn it off, idiot!
Please.
I'm sorry
for vociferating earlier.
You understand?
Dax having brains...
and seeing them splattered
all over Jordan's garage is
quite jarring on both accounts.
Excuse me?
Yes, I am recording.
So we have a record.
An accurate record of
what actually occurred.
Now was your aunt's gun loaded
when we took possession of it?
No.
Then how the hell?
Are you 100% sure?
99%.
That 1% is
really important, Chunk.
Sorry, I didn't check it.
I just assumed that
it would be...
Assumptions make asses
out of you and me.
And right now we are grade
double A donkeys.
Why are you assuming
it was my fault, man?
You did supply the gun,
didn't you?
Well, you did say
so throw Dax's game in.
Don't you dare
turn on me, Chunk.
I'm not turning
on anyone, man.
I just don't want
to be blamed.
Like the camera
and the janitor,
I told you guys like no,
but nobody listens to me.
Like Chunk?
I told you guys I'm on diet.
Jordan.
Jordan!
What are you doing?
Jordan!
Jordan.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Okay.
PTSD.
Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder.
We maybe experiencing
some of that right now.
Maybe more
so you than me but...
Apple?
But we need to overcome this
and think rationally.
Like, for instance,
maybe filming
all this isn't
the smartest act
at this juncture.
Then how do we...
Continue.
Finish the video?
Finish the video?
Is that what you said?
Asked.
Dax is chopped up
in little pieces
in garbage bags
in your garage.
I think the last thing that
he's concerned about
and we should be concerned
about is the video.
Big pieces.
Excuse me?
Big guy. Big pieces.
Perseverance.
Finish what you start.
Speaking of which,
I spoke to Chunk last night
while you were busy with that.
And she swears
neither her nor her aunt
loaded the gun.
It was loaded.
It's true.
That's very true.
Question is...
how... how and... and...
Who?
Who what?
Who was at the door
last night?
The first time.
Uh, no one.
No one.
No one rang the bell?
It was paranormal activity? Eve.
But I informed her
we... we were preoccupied
with a little problem.
Not a problem anymore.
You have, uh...
Look, made a boo-boo.
School of hard knocks.
Lesson number...
Execution.
Every prank must be executed
to the very end.
The very end.
Right, Connor?
Fuck!
Fuck.
I don't understand, man.
What don't you understand?
It's simple.
We're in an irony of a paradox
of a conundrum.
Dang. That sucks, man?
The irony being the demise
of most despised individual
in all our lives
brings us no joy.
Only sorrow.
Especially for me dragging
you guys into this mess.
The paradox
for as popular as Dax was,
there's been no police.
No phone calls.
No anything from anybody
for the past day and a half.
It's not rational.
The conundrum...
to erase everything on this
camera that implicates us all
or do we say that
to prove to the authority
that this was all
an accident.
Who's got the camera now?
I do.
Jordon requested
I keep filming.
For what?
To continue the prank.
Prank.
What if all
this was no accident.
What if all that stuff about
Dax and Eve made him
all jealous and nuts, man.
He's Irish.
They're emotional, right?
What are you crying
about now?
Get out.
It smells like
body sweat in here. PS.
What part of get out
do you not understand?
Fine.
There's an asshole waiting
for you outside.
Who?
I don't know.
Only one way to find out,
right, shit-face?
Connor?
Oh, crap.
Yeah, motherfucker.
You stay back
or I'll call the cops!
Get your ass
out here now!
Now!
Okay,
but promise not to hurt me.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
I appreciate
your prudence.
Give me
the fuckin' camera.
Where the fuck
is the film?
Where's the fuckin' tape?
There is no tape.
Don't bullshit me, son.
No. It's a flashcard.
It's digital.
It's called technology.
It's off, right?
Yes. Yes. Oh, my nose!
Then don't bullshit me.
Where the fuck is Dax?
In the garbage bag.
I said no bullshit.
Where is he?
He's at Jordan.
Come on.
You deleted that shit
from a couple of
nights ago, right?
Right?
Yes. Yes.
And if somebody ask
what you see?
Shit, that's what
you've seen, yeah?
I'll fuck you all big
in the tight little A-hole.
8 inches of black thunder,
you feel me.
Yeah, you will.
Oh, fuck.
This shit is...
how do you turn
this shit off?
What the fuck
are you crying for?
I didn't even
punk you yet.
What the fuck did you do
to my boy?
That's where
you fucks done him?
Ow!
Yeah, I think you're still
bull shitting me.
I wish I were...
No, you're gonna prove
you're bull shitting me.
Come on.
I said come on.
Pussy ass fuck.
Save those tears for me
and Dax and we both double
team your ass, sideways.
Motherfucker trying
to bullshit, bull shitter.
Just in case though, get
some video of this shit.
Evidence for the police.
Damn, never thought a black man
need to say something like that.
How do you turn this
shit on?
Ah, shit.
Motherfucker.
D, open up.
D!
Who the fuck home?
By the way,
you seeing it yourself,
ain't no breaking in.
The door was open.
I'm just saying.
What the fuck?
What the fuck is that?
What the fuck...
D!
Oh, shit.
You almost killed me,
bitch.
D!
D!
What a fool.
Connor. Connor. Connor.
Guess who's who?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
'Cause guess what time it is?
It's Connor time.
Yes, it is. Step on up.
Go.
Go!
I'm sorry, Jordan. I didn't
factor in the consequences.
Yeah, further.
Further.
Further. Further. Further.
And perfect.
Stop right there.
Can you guess
what I'm gonna do next?
No.
Prove you wrong.
You said I was too stupid
and too weak,
but, look, look,
here's your bully.
All wrapped up.
And here's the guy
who was gonna fuck up
both of our futures
by ratting us out to the police.
You believe that?
I have proof.
You want to see?
No.
No one is going to fuck up
my future with Eve
and more importantly
your future of 13
Star Trek
conventions in a row.
You know why?
Pick it up.
Pick it up!
Now hug it
like a puppy.
No.
Connor!
Because you own this
as much as I do.
Don't you forget that
if the authorities see this
and you pointing
and clicking this at old Dax
then this isn't going
to look like an accident.
It's going to look like someone
intentionally loaded the gun
and shot Dax
dead on purpose.
But don't you worry,
best friend,
because over my dead body
will I let that happen to you.
Is it recording?
Uh, yeah.
Whoever sees this,
he's a psycho.
This was supposed to be
just an innocent prank
and Jordan has gone psycho.
What are you doing
with that?
Okay.
All right,
found a good shot.
Bon voyage, Daxy.
See you
on the other side not.
Jordan, um, pray tell,
what inspired you
to load the gun?
I told you so.
Excuse me?
I told you so.
Come on, say it.
Told you so?
Yup. You're right.
He was fucking her.
Not anymore though, right?
Yew, gross.
On purpose.
I called them already.
Why won't you believe me?
Ahh.
Trouble sleeping?
Trouble waking up
in this nightmare.
I think for me
it's not a wet dream.
Hello.
Who is this?
Henrietta Chunk Torres,
is that you?
Early bird
getting the worm.
Okay, shut up.
Listen.
I've got something
really awful to tell you.
You got punk'd.
Yeah, yeah,
Connor got you good.
Yeah, well, you almost had
me believing Dax was dead.
And I'm...
Don't believe him,
he's lying.
Yeah, yeah,
he's a devious one indeed.
Well, listen I'm telling you
this because I'm your pal
and I don't want you
losing any more
sleep over this nonsense.
Yeah, fuck him.
All right.
Good night, Chunk.
I can't believe it either.
I do have it
in a Klingon.
Get some rest.
You got a big day tomorrow.
Sweet dreams, idiot.
A touching tribute
to a pitcher and a catcher.
Someone used to understand
what a joke was.
Who in their right mind
is gonna believe
he just disappeared?
Lots of kids disappear
from the mall all the time.
Five-year-olds.
Dax and Omar
are grown men.
Were.
And I don't think
I like your tone.
Sounds to me like
someone's hearing footsteps,
seeing ghosts,
hearing Dax
calling out to him
in the middle of the night.
Does someone
have a guilty conscience?
Not me.
Why would I?
So you're saying
the voices were real.
I'm saying I didn't
do anything wrong.
You mean we didn't so
anything wrong, right?
Come on.
Gave you what you wanted.
Emotional
compensation, right?
So lighten up.
Smile.
Put on a happy face.
We bested Dax Gaiman.
Come on.
Hi, Eve.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Oh, sorry.
What are we doing here?
Uh,
what's it look like?
Celebrating.
So you want nutty coconut
or rocky road?
What're you doing?
Showing the world
what a beautiful
couple looks like.
We're exclusive now.
Goof.
Stop.
You started it.
No, you did.
Uh-uh, you did.
I have proof.
Why is he here?
Connor is still here
because he wants
to apologize for all the evil,
nasty things
he's ever said about you.
But first,
he wants to tell us
how happy he is
to see us like this.
Okay.
Anytime.
Whatever you want,
just promise no more bags...
See? He's doing it
again. No more bodies...
What?
Acting like he's
the smartest man in the room.
Eve, as one
human being to another,
if you want to continue
being, leave now.
That doesn't
sound like an apology.
Apologies won't solve
what's been done.
Shut up
and say you're sorry, idiot.
Something really wrong
happened. JORDAN: Connor...
The blood you
saw on my face...
Shut up!
Wasn't mine.
What is he
talking about?
Jordan killed Dax
and Omar.
Oh, my God,
stop fucking lying!
You fucking stop.
Something humorous?
Come on.
You almost had me,
but I saw Dax
and Omar earlier today.
See?
You saw their cars.
Their frickin' cars.
Come on,
you got to see this game
I just got,
it's really cool.
I warned you.
You're so good at that,
sounding so righteous.
Yup.
Drawers on the nightstand.
Don't keep me waiting.
Give me the gun.
What the hell are you...
Okay, you're gonna give her
the wrong impression, all right?
Where is it?
What? Stop.
Stop toying with me.
The gun.
What gun?
Argh.
You needed to ask...
Don't fuck with me.
I'm not fucking
with anyone.
I saw you kill him.
I saw you kill Omar.
Did you?
I saw the aftermath.
Are you sure that what
you saw is what you saw?
Maybe you should check.
You erased it?
You can't keep me quiet.
Go ahead,
call the cops.
I did.
Somebody
warned them I would call.
Said I was gonna
try and pull a prank.
Paranoia.
Delusions.
Hearing things,
seeing things.
Why... why don't you
just go home
and forget any of this
ever happened?
You know, move on.
Live long
and prosper, Connor.
No.
I'm sane.
I'm sane.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not going crazy.
I'm not going crazy.
There were bags.
There were bodies.
There were bags.
Eve?
Eve?
Eve!
All your fault.
All your fault.
Jordan, no.
Jordan, stop, please.
What are you doing?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Oh.
All your fault.
Praise be to the God
of our Lord Jesus Christ.
His great mercy...
All your fault.
All your fault, Connor.
Please, please, please.
I'm sorry.
Please.
Are you now?
Really?
Lesson number one
at the school of hard knocks,
don't bullshit
no bull shitters.
What'd you call it?
Deception?
Motherfucker, you really
thought we were homos?
Thinking after all
these fucking years.
Go ahead,
mother fucker, huh?
Go ahead, huh?
What's the matter,
you bitch?
You can't fuckin'
sucker punch
somebody when
they're tied to a chair?
Nine years of your
fucking bullshit and look.
Look at me, motherfucker,
look at me!
I'm still here!
You know
why we won't bitch?
'Cause I'm a fucking
white knight.
And you're
the fucking evil.
It's a night where
evil's been destroyed,
you little pussy.
Lesson number two.
Theatricals.
You see, dead cow parts
ain't dead people parts.
And blanks ain't real bullets,
you dumb fuck.
The most important lesson,
don't you forget,
you mess with Eve
and she's gonna plant
some mayhem on your ass.
Damn straight.
Guys, come on.
I'm getting way
too much credit here.
This is a no-brainer.
A win-win for everybody.
We finally stop
shit-face's sexist,
homophobic,
psychotic crusade against us
and the audience
gets to see one of the coolest,
most epic pranks
ever put on the internet,
and we all get to reap
the ad money.
Told you you'd pay,
sweetie.
And, oh, yeah, bonus.
Shit-face finally
learned his lesson
from the only person who could
turn his own prank against him.
Oh, crap, crap,
I'm such a pussy,
I'm gonna cry.
You were fucking right,
homeboy.
What you laughing for?
You the ass in this joke.
Oh, he's just getting
a head start
after everybody else sees
the further adventures
of fucking shit face.
Or he finally learned,
what do they say
in Star Wars?
Resistance is futile?
Don't forget it, sweetie.
All right.
Let's get the fuck
out of here.
Who's up for some Chili's?
It's on me.
Am I hearing things?
Did they treat you?
Make yourself
presentable, girl.
That's some
supernatural shit.
Hey, chill, man.
Wait, hey, wait.
Just before that you said
that we would
clean up together,
I mean, you can like,
totally upload
the video here.
I wish we could but I need
to go home and change.
I'm like all icky.
Thanks though.
You're a cool friend.
No, you're not
leaving here.
Come on, man.
Prank is over.
Shut the fuck out.
Fuck you. She's...
Jordan,
what's your problem, huh?
How do you turn this
fucking thing off?
Don't look at me.
Hey, did you get those
tickets I left you
in the locker?
Gesture's appreciated,
'course I won't be
able to attend.
Well, what about breaking
John Meringer's record?
Hey, slow down, will you?
Can't, I have a plethora of
college applications
to complete.
AP exams to study for.
All right,
but I'm sorry.
You hear me?
I'm sorry, Connor.
You're completely right.
I was a rube.
Couldn't see
right from wrong,
friends from enemies,
now I can.
Thank you.
I'm still your friend.
Do you want me
to prove it to you?
Prove you have some decency
and leave me the fuck alone.
Execution.
Every prank must be
executed to the very end.
The very end.
Right, Connor?
Guys, you made it.
So good of you to come.
Chunk, great to see you.
What're you doing?
Come on in.
You guys want anything?
My dad's on quote unquote
business again,
so beers all around.
It's been 2 months, Jordan.
I know.
I know, way too long.
Since the prank.
Yeah, man.
Why are you
still wearing that?
Okay, this is
kind of embarrassing.
I had to wait until
my dad was out of town
and I needed
time to reconfigure,
you know...
God, guys, has it
really been that long?
Let me show you.
Here you go,
talented camera-woman
and the smartest guy
in the room, huh?
Let's go.
Okay.
Don't laugh, all right?
Chunk.
Dang.
I know, I know.
I messed up.
Here.
Watch.
See?
I'm not an idea guy.
I'm not a genius
like you, Connor.
I told you
he was emotional.
This is another prank.
I know.
Us, right?
Or them?
Neither.
Well, what is this?
This is rape, rape, rape!
Remember Barnes?
These two are
mutually exclusive now.
Did you know that?
That's why they're here,
to celebrate.
And here they are after
I offered them
both a huge gift.
Not like she kept
the last one.
Not like
she didn't pawn it off
at Chunk's aunt's
pawn shop or anything.
Right, sweetie? Huh?
You told him?
Not me, man.
I knew it was bad news.
Not this bad.
Do you have
something then?
'Cause they're the gift.
For you, Connor.
Emotional compensation,
right?
We're done with
this childish buffoonery.
Let's go.
No, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
One.
Dang.
Oh, my God.
Chunk, frame it up.
Frame it up.
Chunk.
Connor?
Banish the evil
from among them.
The rest of the people
will hear about this
and be afraid
and never again...
Oh!
Connor, don't!
This is not what
you wanted, right?
This isn't our fault, right?
We're innocent, right?
Right?
Focused?
This is not a confession.
This isn't,
he said she's dead.
This is the truth.
We're not murderers.
We're not monsters.