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Prehysteria! (1993)
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[bats fly by] [upbeat music] [mysterious music] [men speak in foreign language] [men speak in foreign language] Hey, slow down, will you, Jeffie? I'm about ready to pass out here. Jefe, Senor Sarno. Yeah, that's what I said. Come on, this has turned into a real bust, Jeffie. What is a bust, senor? You know a bust out, a dead end, no el artifactos. I've shown you many caves. Birdseed, amigo, all I got here is three arrowheads and a bear's tooth. The Sun still hangs high in the sky. Yeah, right. Well, I ain't got all day, okay, where's the good stuff? Good stuff? Yeah, you know, the sacred junk. You mean sagrado. Yeah, right, right, sagrado. There's still a cave over the ridge, but it's the Cave of Culebra. - Culebra? - Culebra? [men speak in foreign language] What's eating them? Only the ancestors of the ancestors are allowed near that sacred ground. All others will suffer or perish. Well, let's go take a peak. I said all others. Come on, I just wanna put my head inside. No. The Moon grows low. Oh, come on, make up your mind, first the Sun is high, now the Moon is low, what's with the double talk? [lightning strikes] Culebra has spoken! [lightning strikes] [men speak in foreign language] ["A Hey Hey" by Michael Bishop plays on radio] Jerry, turn it down, Jerry! I'm gonna kill you, Jerry, I swear to God! Can you believe my brother listens to Elvis? The kid is living in the Stone Age. Get off me! [scoffs] God, can't I have any peace in this house? [kicks dresser] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Don't throw a song, old man. Elvis is dead, Jerry. So is that rock, Dad, but I still love them. What'd you find? More fossils, go get your sister and come help me. [mysterious music] [thunder rolls] Listen, Culebra speaks. Why don't you cut it out with the hocus-pocus, I thought you were a modern Injun. I am not an Injun, I am third-generation Tolupan! Yeah, whatever, look, here, there's another 50 bucks, show me the cave. You've insulted my land and my people. Get off your high horse and take the half a yard, and come on, let's go. No, - Whoa! - you go. Okay. The tour is over. Okay. - Vamonos. - Yeah, okay, I'm going. Vamonos! Okay, you people are touchy, aren't ya? Come all the way to South America for what? A bunch of crummy rocks. You know... Okay, okay. [dramatic music] Dad? [Frank] Huh? You ever think about Mom? Yeah, all the time. Me too. [sighs] Hand me that brush, son. Think she's in Heaven? Yep, probably having coffee and donuts with Elvis. [Frank chuckles] Who do you think misses her the most? Oh, I don't know, maybe this pretty little lady named Ruby. Come here, come here, yes, yes, that's a girl. Do you love Ruby? Yeah, like a rock. Then why'd you give her puppies away? [Frank sighs] Times are hard, Jerry, and there's no way we can afford to have five more animals around here. [door opens] I think she misses 'em. I think that... Daddy? [Frank] Nope. I didn't even ask you anything. You're not going anywhere in that getup. She looks like Madonna in heat. Shut up, you little dweeb. Monica, it's a school night. I did all my homework, please, Daddy? I don't like you running around with that older crowd. It's just Spike and Rusty, you know Spike and Rusty. Whatever happened to Brain-Dead Danny? You're just jealous 'cause you don't have any friends. Honey, no is no, and you're not going out on a school night. [sighs] Fine, fine, I hate this stupid farm! Don't feel bad, Mom couldn't handle her either. Who says I can't handle her? I can handle her. [upbeat music] [wolf howls] [mysterious music] [wolf howls] [wolf howls] Open sesame, baby sneaks. [wolf howls] [Rico screams] Ow! Don't you jokers sneak up on me like that again. You hear me? You hear me? [voice whispers] I didn't hear that. Maybe they put something in my Gatorade. Nah, the little savages wouldn't have the guts. Uh-oh, what's this? What the... [gasps] About gave me a heart attack. Oh, man, it's like a meat locker in here. Bingo. [Ruby barks] Would you be quiet, you dumb mutt? [Ruby barks] [flashlight clicks on] Did you forget your key? Daddy, I... You're in big trouble, missy. [mysterious music] Bingo, gringo. I guess you kinda caught me with my hand in the cookie jar, huh, Jeffie? Put 'em back. The souls of my ancestors cry out for your blood. [voice whispers] Ignore it, Jefe, they're dead guys. Look, what do you say we cash these eggs in, we'll split it even-steven, huh? [Rico gasps] No dice. Put 'em back, slow and nice. Take it easy with that knife, okay, please, please. How come these eggs are so small, Jeffie? Many million moons ago, the son of Culebra came down from the mountains and presented these small, mutant eggs to the Tolupos tribe before he died. He promised that if we kept them cold and sacred, that no harm would ever come to our people. These are not just eggs, they're symbols of eternal life. Uh-huh, thanks for the history lesson, amigo. Hasta luego. [mysterious music] [Jerry] Dad, what do you think you'll get for your dig this time? [Monica] Ripped off. What'd you say? Nothing. Good, you got no say, young lady, after that stunt you pulled the other night. I want a life, I don't wanna go to a dumb museum! I mean, why can't we ever go to Disneyland or something? They got some neat stuff at those Angel City exhibits. I am sick to death of those dirty rocks. [Frank] Like I said, you have no say, you're on probation, young lady. Then I'm jumping bail, I'm running away, I want out! Open the door, Jer. What? Open the door, your sister wants out. Daddy? There you go, jump, jump! Daddy, cut it out! Should I give her the heave-ho? Don't touch me, you little creep! Alright, sit back and pipe down. Close the door, Jer. [laughs] It's not funny. Come on. [laughs] You know, whatever you think they're worth, ma'am. Vicki. Jerry, get Ruby away from there. Oh, she's okay. Ruby. [Vicki] Why are you always so nervous about everything? I'm not, I'm not nervous. You've been coming in here for eight months, and you're still calling me ma'am. Have you... Have you, um, decided on a price? Would you relax? I'm not going to bite you. [chuckles] I know that. [Ruby whimpers] You have very pretty eyes, Mr. Taylor. It's Frank. So, [clears throat] shall we take another look at what you got here, Frank? Absolutely. Oh my. What? I think you got an azurite here. [Frank] Is that good? That's great. Hey, Dad, you should see the dorky shirt Monica got. [scoffs] No, it's not, it's really cool, Daddy. See? Say hello to the nice lady, kids. - Hi, Vicki. - Hi, Vicki. Hi. You want us to get lost? No, no, we're just talking about rocks. He's getting ripped off. Shut up. [Rico clears his throat] Hey, welcome back, Mr. Sarno. Hey, what's going on, sweetheart? Mr. Sarno, you remember the Taylors? Hi, folks. Get away from me, stinkball! [Ruby whimpers] Mr. Sarno... [Rico] Usual price. Yeah, but Mr. Taylor has some new azurites. It's still dino poop, Vicki, usual price. But... I'm sorry, Frank, it's the usual price. Whatever's fair. It's not fair, it's just the way it is. It's not your fault, Vicki. Let me go talk to him. No, no, no, no, it's okay. No, it's not okay, Daddy. I know we saw an unbelievable... I said it was okay. You're a stubborn man, Frank. Proud, stubborn, you name it. Passionate? Sometimes. When? Daddy, are we gonna hang out in this boneyard all day? We haven't seen the pterodactyl exhibit yet. [scoffs] Whoop-de-doo. Can we please blow this musty pop stand? Keep your shirts on, we're going. Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get your check. Vicki? Yes? Um, um, nothing. Daddy? Get the cooler. Jerry, get the cooler. Ruby, get the cooler. [Ruby barks] [Ruby barks] Sam, Sam, you wouldn't believe me if I did tell you. No, I can't spill it to the papers right now, 'cause it's big, [chuckles] big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, Radio City Music Hall-big. What are you looking at? I didn't say anything. Yeah, but you were thinking something. What were we talking about then? Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, it's bigger than sunken ships. Look, I don't wanna get prehysterical here, but I think I'm gonna change the course of natural history. Nah, you're gonna have to read about it in the funny papers. Tootles. [laughs] Have a good trip? I found the holy grail, and I ain't whistlin' dixie. [laughs] [chokes and coughs] Do you want some water? No, oh, you'd like to see me choke, wouldn't ya? Hey, I didn't say that. [Rico] Yeah, but you were thinking it. No, sir, what I was thinking is that you're being a little rude to the Taylors. Who? Oh, them. Oh, screw 'em, I got bigger fish to fry. ["Elegance" by Simon Stokes plays on radio] [Monica changes radio station] Hey, man, turn it back. Who do you think you are? Shut up, you make me carsick! What's tipping your beans? Getting pretty cozy with Professor Cupcakes, huh? Honey, we're just friends. Leave him alone, he's horny. Hey! What did I do? I'm gonna be a very, very rich man. Can I go? No. Go get the cooler. I'm gonna crack open this little bottle of champagne and you and I are gonna drink a toast. What's taking so long? I'm dying of thirst in here. Was that Sam Simon from the Times? In the phone flesh. I could hear the spit running down his chin. What's in this thing, a cure for cancer? [chuckles] You're thinking small, my dear. What are you talking about? Drink up, honey pie, salute. Right. [burps] Open it. Behold, I give you prehistoric life! A turkey bone? [upbeat music] What? What the hell's this? Turkey bones? Sandwiches? Wait a minute, this isn't my cooler. My babies, where are my babies? My eggs, where are my eggs? Did you bring the cooler in? Nope. Monica! What? Get enough to eat there? [screams] It's a ghoul monster! Squash it, Dad! You are such an immature specimen. Where is the cooler, Monica? I don't know, that was barf boy's job. Well, it's not in the truck and it doesn't have any legs, so obviously it didn't walk off on its own. Daddy, it's getting cold. Keep looking, that was a $50 cooler. Maybe it popped out when you hit the tracks back there. My face is turning into plaster of Paris. I didn't hit those tracks that hard. Dad, have you seen Ruby? [mysterious music] [upbeat music] Oh, hello, Mona. Monica! Whatever, is your daddy home? Wait here. [slams door] [movement in eggs] Ah, Mr. Taylor. What can I do for ya? Well, there's been a slight little mix-up. And what might that be? Well, I believe I have something of yours and I think that you have something of mine. Great, we have been looking all over all night for this, thank you, thank you very much! Sure. Oh, what a sweet young thing. Excuse me, I have to go wash my hair. Lovely child. Okay, where is it? Pardon? Don't get cute with me, where's my cooler? Your cooler? Hand it over, farm boy! Hey, I don't like your tone, and I don't know what you're talking about, mister. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've just lost something very, very precious to me, something you can't put a price tag on. Here's 200 bucks, gimme. Give you what? Look, I'm sure it was all perfectly innocent on your part, but your family has mistaken my cooler for yours, by accident, of course. That's possible, we looked high and low for that, but... Give you 300. It's not a question of money, Mr. Sarno, goodnight! Whoa! [mysterious music] [Ruby howls] [Ruby howls] Will somebody shut that pooch up before I go crazy? [Ruby howls] Could you feed her, Jer? [barks] [roars] What's with her? Maybe she's in heat. I guess we better keep her down there for a while, that Anderson spaniel's been hanging around here again. Oh, please don't let her be preggers again. That last litter we gave away almost broke her heart. So what do you care? I care. [Ruby howls] Alright, I'm... I got it, Dad. Chow time, Ruby. [dinosaurs whimper and roar] Wow. Wow. [dinosaur roars] [dinosaur squawks] Ruby, did you hatch these guys? [barks] [squawks] Look at this mess. [whimpers] Just try some dog food. [whimpers] How about you? You? Tyrannosaurus Rex, The King! Elvis! I know how it is, Elvis. I'm a meat and potatoes man too. [starts truck] You sleeping, Elvis? He's asleep. Aw. [dinosaurs whimper] [dinosaur yawns] [yawns] Wait, where's the flighty one? [dinosaur bounces off wall] [dinosaur squawks] Oh, great! Me, my turn, it's always my turn, I've done this BS faithfully for five years, I'm so sick of it! [dinosaur squawks] [intense music] [Monica screams] Daddy! Geez, what was that, a bat? Good god, it had a nose like my math teacher. Just stay calm. Oh, great, Monica! She's gonna rat on me. Keep 'em in here, girl. [dinosaur squawks] Sorry, Chilly. [dinosaur squawks] [squawks] Hold it, babe. I just had that Fender restrung. Get off me, I'm gonna kill this thing! No, you're not, it's Ruby's kid. What? [dinosaur squawks] What was that? Honey, we got company. Come on. I don't like this. Stop acting like a girl. I am a girl, dummy. Look, they're gonna be more scared of you than you are of them. [dinosaurs whimper] [upbeat music] Aw. See? They're so neat. Aw! [growls] [Monica screams] Elvis! Say howdy, 'cause you just got kissed on the tush by The King. Get that beast away from me. Watch your tongue, sis, Elvis just needs a little meat. Right, Elvis? [upbeat music] You can't be going and eating Monica's butt, Elvis, you'll get indigestion, or brain damage. Let's see... Not lamb chops, Dad will skin me alive. Ah, how about some bologna? Elvis. Don't go messing with my cookies, man. That's for dessert. [Elvis growls] Watch the fingers, Godzilla. You're invading my space. Ruby, do something! You're kinda cute. [Rico] Highway robbers. [phone breaks up] Crooks! I can barely hear you, Mr. Sarno. Those double-dealing sons of... Crooks! The Taylors are good and honest. Those dirt farmers led me on a wild goose chase. You didn't find your cooler? Yeah, yeah, I got the cooler, I got it in my hip pocket, no, I do not have the cooler! [sighs] Highway robbers. ["She's Gotta Be Somebody" by Donna Christy plays on radio] Madonna. For a pterodactyl? That's a girl's name, man. It is a girl, man. Madonna. See? Okay, fine, what do you wanna call the stegosaurus? Bon Jovi? That has a nice ring, but how about Prince? No way! And we're not calling the chasmosaurus Hammer. How about I tell Daddy about your little friends? Right. The stegosaurus is Jagger. Fine, but the brachiosaurus, Paula, [Paula whimpers] and the chasmo is Hammer. [Elvis roars] The King disagrees, man. Sick her, Elvis. [Elvis barks] God, Jerry. Jerry, open this door. Monica? What's going on? [knocks on door] Who locked this door? [knocks on door] Just make sure Madonna stays down here. [Frank knocks on door] Hey, Dad. Why is this door locked? There's a lotta crazies out there, Dad. This is a farm, Jerry, we're in the middle of nowhere, you kids tell me that all the time. It can happen anywhere. What can happen anywhere? Ax murder, they get you in your sleep. So what's going on, Jer? Nothing, how's the resin game coming? Where's Monica? Downstairs, taking care of Ruby, [chuckles] that dog's got hormones popping left and right. [Frank chuckles] Monica! Monica! She's just feeding Ruby. Monica! She's just feeding Ruby. Hi, Daddy. What are you doing in there? I'm feeding Ruby, keeping her outta trouble, isn't that what you want? Hm. I want you two to hightail it up to the living room, 'cause I know when you're up to something, and you're gonna sit down and you're gonna tell me what it is. Working late, Miss Vicki? Oh god, Whitey, why do you scare the bejesus out of me? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. What are you still doing here? My job. Whitey, I gotta ask you a question. Now don't take this wrong, but, we're missing a cooler from the lab, and I was just wondering if... Well, I do take it wrong, Miss Vicki, I clean and watch over this place like it was my own child. Been working here for over 20 years, and I've never taken so much as a tissue. I'm sorry, Whitey, I didn't mean to insult you, it's just that Mr. Sarno's breathing down my neck about this. I'm embarrassed I even brought it up, you're the only honest Joe in this whole place. I knew it, I knew it was Whitey! Good job, Vic. Rico, no! Get his legs. Sir? [Rico] Call the law, Vicki! [Whitey] Sir? Stop it, Rico! You're going to jail, scrub monkey. Sir? Call the cops! [winces] [Whitey chokes] Whitey, are you okay? Yeah. What about me? You need a long rest, Rico! I'm sorry, sir, I know, I know, I'm fired. I'll see you tomorrow. What are you looking at? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Oh, is that another one of your little wisecracks? [Vicki] He's a sweet old man! He'd steal plastic forks at a company picnic. Your mind is going. Is it? And where were you when the cat was away, making like a mouse? What? Oh, you're the only one left, Vicki, it's just you and you alone all by yourself, right? Mr. Sarno, I never touched your precious little cooler! How do I know that? I don't know that. I didn't take it! I could have your little archeological grant taken away like that! You are really losing it, Rico. Oh yeah? I'll show you losing it! I know when someone's lying to me, I can tell by their eyes, and you two are lying. About what, Dad? We'd never lie to you, Daddy. Do you think I'm a fool? Do you think I am some rube who just fell off the raisin truck? No, Daddy. We don't know what you're talking about, Pop. Oh, you don't, huh? [chuckles] Ruby's pregnant, isn't she? - What? - What? You heard me, I told you to keep her away from that Anderson spaniel. Dad, Ruby's not pregnant. Oh, she isn't, huh? No, but we think you should consider it, she's real lonely. Not a chance! It's not fair to Ruby, keeping her cooped up down there like that, she has rights too. Yeah, if Monica was in heat, you wouldn't lock her down there. Don't help me, go to Kmart and get yourself an IQ. Well, that's a good one coming from Miss 55 in Science. You're so dense. Alright, cut it out! We have been through this 100 times, we have plenty of pets around here. Okay. Now if I hear one more word about this, I'm gonna have that dog... Okay? Do I hear okay? Yeah. Okay then, go to your rooms. [upbeat music] [sighs] Don't tell me I don't know how to handle 'em. I know how to handle 'em. [dinosaurs coo] [grunts] [whimpers] [whimpers] [squawks] Where are my keys? Where is my cooler? How many times do I have to tell you, I don't know! Round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows. I don't have your cooler, okay? You're a lying, deceitful little tramp... Uh, your breath is killing me! [breathes on Vicki] Where is it? You're impossible! I got keys that jingle, jangle, jingle. Give 'em here! Up, girl. God, you're a sick puppy, Rico. Woof, woof, woof. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get out of my way! [chuckles] You're not going anywhere until I get my cooler back. Are you gonna get outta my way? Well, you just got a little bit too greedy for your own good, didn't you? I am warning you, Rico. Oh, I'm scared, Vicki, I'm so scared... [winces] Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. [upbeat music] [dinosaur eats chips] [roars] What the... [whimpers] What the hell? [Madonna squawks] [roars] Monica, Jerry, get down here on the double! What in the hell is this? It almost bit my head off! Elvis wouldn't do that, would ya, Elvis? Jerry? He's the new King, Dad. What's going on? Where in the Sam hell did you find these things? In the cellar. Well, that's where we keep 'em, Daddy. [Jerry] It's no big deal, Dad. You two have some explaining to do, and it better be good. Now, get these things outta here, pronto! - Yes, Dad. - Yes, Dad. [upbeat music] [Elvis coos] [upbeat music plays on Walkman] Me, always me, what am I, the maid? [squawks] Bye. Why can't we keep them, Dad? You lied to me, Jer, that cooler was down here the whole time, wasn't it? I didn't take it, Ruby took it. Those animals belong to Mr. Sarno. Ruby hatched 'em, Mr. Sarno couldn't do that, doesn't that kinda make 'em her babies? Fix the latch, Jer. Come on. [upbeat music plays on Walkman] Back to work, princess. Yes, sir. Spick and span. We're still missing the flying one. Have you seen it? Not a sign, Daddy. [squawks] What was that? A car pulling up? [upbeat music] Shh! Shh. [squawks] Hi. Vicki, what's wrong? [clears throat] I think I'm in big trouble. Why? He just kept coming at me and coming at me, so I hit him! I hit him hard, with a hunk of bedrock. [chuckles] What, did you kill Fred Flintstone? This isn't funny, I think I hurt Sarno. Well, that's good. This was a mistake, I shouldn't have come here, you don't give a rat's tail about me... [takes Vicki's keys] Come in the house. No. Why not? Give me my keys. Heel, Ruby. Give me my keys back. What keys? Just stay cool, I'll bust you outta this joint in no time. [Frank] Jerry! ["Rock Godzilla" by Michael Bishop plays on radio] What's she doing here? She? This she has a name, young lady. Hello, Monica. Hi, Vic. Hi. You look like you got a case of the GI blues. [chuckles] Do I? Tell her about the cooler, Jer. Don't do it, she'll rat us out! Mind your tongue, young lady. What was in the cooler, Jerry? ["Rock Godzilla" by Michael Bishop plays on radio] You mean funny-looking little creatures, like mutated dinosaurs? No, these are dinosaurs, what did Daddy just say? That's impossible. They look pretty real to me. Frank, dinosaurs haven't been around for 65 million years. Well, they're back, man, and they're looking for trouble. Hey, cut the Elvis act, huh? We're trying to work this out. Can I see them? [Madonna squawks] [mysterious music] [squawks] Come on, Elvis, get Monica, Elvis, come on, Elvis. This isn't normal, and they can do major damage, but what am I gonna do, put 'em on a leash? I mean, look at 'em. I mean, sure, they're cute. Come on, come on, come on, alright! I gotta pay the bills. Am I right, Vicki? Mm-hmm. Are you okay? Uh-huh. Say hi to Elvis, Vicki-do. Hi. He loves the ladies, man. Get that crocodile away from her nose! I thought she might like to meet the new King. I don't trust that one. Oh, Frank, I think I'd like to take a look at it. Why? It's butt-ugly. You're hurting The King's feelings. Frank, can I just please take a closer look at it? See? I'm not going to hurt you. These things were over 40 feet long and seven tons, the biggest terrestrial carnivore that ever lived. Guess we got the runt of the litter. [barks] They're a reverse-hybridization of the species, Frank. They must've been frozen in those eggs for ages. They're awfully small, but they're still the real deal. Sort of a Darwinian redo. We told you. Oh gosh, Frank, you cannot give these back to Sarno. But they're his eggs. So, give him the shells. There you go, Dad, it's all settled, Elvis and his sidekicks stay. It's not right. Frank, I am telling you, Sarno will put them in a circus or he'll ship them off to Hollywood. They'll just be five giant dollar signs to him. [Madonna squawks] Geez, get this vampire bat away from me! [chuckles] Okay, Monica, call her off. Come to Momma. That's a good Material Girl. Madonna. [squawks] [slow music] Yeah, son? I just wanted to say goodnight, Dad. Oh, goodnight, I'll see ya in the morning, bye-bye. Mind if I say goodnight to Vicki? Goodnight, Jerry. Goodnight, Vicki. Okay, everybody said goodnight to everybody else, so goodnight, don't let the bedbugs... Wait a minute, where's your sister? I don't know, in bed, I guess, goodnight. Goodnight. I'm sorry, [sighs] I guess Monica forgot her manners. Oh, you don't have to apologize, your kids are adorable. You want 'em, you can have 'em. [laughs] You don't mean that. You want another drink? Oh, no, I should get going. You're not going anywhere. Well, I can't stay here. Please? I don't want anything to happen to you. [chuckles] Thank you. I'll sleep on the couch. [dramatic music] Frank. - Frank. - Shh! Alright, I heard that, Monica! Oh, Frank, Frank, Frank, it's okay. I won't have that nosy bird poking its beak into my business, now that one gets locked up with the others tomorrow. Frank, they're not zoo animals. I can't have those varmints running wild on my place. Frank, you worry too much. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Morning. Morning. Nice underwear. Huh? [Vicki] Are those black hearts? They're raisins. Nice. [chuckles] The kids gave 'em to me. Very nice, you should be very proud. Are you making fun of my skivvies? Me? [Frank] [chuckles] Morning, sweetie. [sighs] Is she gonna finish her little project sometime this month? I can't babysit these things forever, you know? I'll be done soon, why don't you just put them inside? Why don't you? [upbeat music] Monica, Monica, come back here! [sighs] I'll go talk to her. Don't you think you should put on some pants first? I'm not the bashful type. Could've fooled me. [Frank chuckles] [Elvis growls] [squawks] [man screams] [roars] Watch where you're going! Your brain-dead brother should watch where he leaves his toys. Danny, what are you doing up before 3:00 p.m.? You are so fresh, I had to see my ladylove. [laughs] - No, Danny! - Awesome gizmo. Where's the batteries? [Jagger growls] Oh, cool, it talks! [chuckles] Danny, this is a real dinosaur. Ah, sure it is. So, you busy tonight? [laughs] It is, now get outta here, my father hates you. Ah, chill, crumb cakes, I'm in love. Beat it. Can I have a word with you? Hey, your dad's half naked, nice gams, Mr. T, I see where your daughter gets her legs. [chuckles] Daddy, you remember Brain-Dead Danny? I said beat it! Looks like I've been moted, hon. I'll call you later. Absotively. Chow, little dude. Peace. [chuckles] Hello, farm boy. [dramatic music] Whoa, caught you with your pants down, huh? Did you have a nice little roll in the hay, did ya? What do you want, Sarno? You know what I want, wood hick, I want my babies back, and I want 'em now. What babies? Play dumb with me and I'll spill your brains like a box of your raisins. Sick him. I don't want anyone else to get hurt, alright? Yeah? Well, you and I are gonna turn this cheese box upside down! They're not in there. Yeah, right. [screams] I knew they were here! Ow, oh! Oh, get your teeth outta me! Ah, oh! Your babies don't like you. Yeah, they do, they're just being playful. Get away from me! Jerry. Chill, Elvis. Where's my gun? And I don't like you either. Hey, don't push me, please, you broke the law! You like threatening women? A little bit. Hey, wait a minute, she was asking for it. Turn around! Huh? Turn around and bend over. What do you think you're... [Frank cocks gun] Okay. [screams] [Frank] Now crawl back to your car! Are you outta your stinkin' mind? [Frank fires gun] Watch me crawl. Oh man, this is really humiliating, they're my babies, not yours! I'll be back! [Frank fires gun] Maybe not. Get off my land. You got a real attitude problem, raisin breath. Daddy, I heard a shot. What's going on? Nothing, I just ran off a chicken thief. Yeah, there you go. Oh, you're such a cute little dino. How do you like your new home, hm? How do you like it? I bet you like it. Yeah, there you go. Oh, sweetie. Hi, here you go. Are you happy here? [chuckles] Oops, you don't eat leaves. [chomps] Sorry. [chomps] [chuckles] [chomps] This is excellent, Vicki! Thanks. The grape leaves are very good. Monica? What? You haven't touched yours. I'm not hungry. [Frank] Monica. I'll eat hers. You would. I would. I'll put yours in the fridge, how's that? May I be excused? Monica, please. Let her go, Frank. Ditto. Fine, fine, you're excused. There's no excuse for you, Jerry. What crawled under her armpit? I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about you, what's bugging you? Nothing! Don't tell me it's nothing when I know it's something. I don't wanna talk about it. Ever since you were four years old, you and I could talk about anything. Times change, I don't have anything to say. Well, I do! Go talk to your girlfriend, your little scientist babe! Are you jealous of her? That's sick. Monica, you'll always be Daddy's girl, you know that. What about Mom, huh? [dramatic music] Your mother's been dead for 2 1/2 years, sweetie. Don't you ever think about her? I dream about her every night, and in that dream, she's still alive, but by the end, she's gone, and I have to go through it all over again. I have the same dream. I'm sorry, Daddy, I just don't want a new mom. Vicki's not gonna be your new mom, she's my friend. If Brain-Dead Danny were to pass away, you'd want a new boyfriend someday, wouldn't you? I want a new boyfriend now. [chuckles] [Frank laughs] [dramatic music] [rock music plays on Danny's radio] So this is the countryside? Blue sky, wide open spaces, [sniffs] fresh air. What is that smell? It's probably you. Hey, I didn't do it. [sniffs] Well, I didn't do it. Well, I didn't do it. Hey, Mr. Sarno, I smell something, did you do it? It's cow doo-doo, you nitwits, just keep your eyes peeled for a blue farmhouse. Pardon me, excuse me, Mr. Sarno, is a farmhouse the same as a ranch house? 1,000 a piece for these two. So, they're like dinosaurs, but they're not real dinosaurs, Mr. Sarno? Yes, yes, Louis, they're deformed lizards! Hey, speaking of deformed, I knew this hunchback in the sixth grade, you can imagine, when this guy had an itch, hey, oh! You gotta be kidding me, you graduated sixth grade? Oh no, he missed it by three days, you believe that? He, uh, [chuckles] stabbed the art teacher with a chisel. [chuckles] Yeah, crybaby... I mean, right? It was just a chisel. Hey, hey, just shut up and listen, okay? You gotta treat these creatures with kid gloves, they get a little nasty sometimes. Hey, if some lizard bites me, I'll grind him up into a pair of shoes, bada bing, bada boom. You touch a scale of their skin and I'm gonna grind the two of you up! They're worth millions of... Of? Of dollars, Mr. Sarno? We're almost there. You know, I'm thinking here, Mr. Sarno, if they're worth millions of dollars, then me and Ritchie should get like, um, 1,200 a piece, am I right, Ritchie? Absolutely, more than a thousand, in spades, that is for sure. Listen, we made a deal, and a deal is a deal, otherwise you two will never work in this town again! See what you almost did, Ritchie? Hey, I didn't do nothing. [upbeat music] Your carriage awaits, m'lady. Let's get going, Brain-Dead. That's my name, don't wear it out. Oh! Those are b-bitchin' th-threads, Monica! Just drive. [Danny chuckles] [starts car] I'm the only one in 10th grade who's got a license, is that why you go out with me? No, it's 'cause you're 16 and real smart. [Danny chuckles] [upbeat music] Slow down, Einstein! What's he doing back here? Who are those dudes? You're not cheating on me, are ya? [chuckles] Just shut up and turn around, dummy! Hey, no reason to bag me out, your wish is my command, my highness. [chuckles] [dramatic music] Give me that. Give me that. I'll see ya later, Ritchie. He is so stupid, Mr. Sarno. Yeah, well, you're close behind him. Hey, get outta here, fleabag. Good day, my friend. Can I help you? Could I perhaps interest you in some Girl Scout Cookies? [chuckles] Is this a joke? Scouting is not a joke, sir, it keeps the little tarts off the street. Well, I don't think so. [Ruby barks] Get the dog. Mr. Sarno, what if he bites me? Then bite him back, what do you think I'm paying you 1,000 bucks for? You know, I was thinking, I think we should get at least 1,100 for this. I'll give you 1,500, just tie up the stinkin' dog! [barks] Alright, where are the cookies? [Ruby barks] [dramatic music] [Louis chuckles] Sorry, no free samples. [chuckles] [barks] Good doggie, shut up, doggie, nice doggie, you're not a mutt, you're a good dog. [Ruby barks] Hey, what are you doing to my dog? [barks] Hey, watch the hair! Would you watch the hair? Leave it alone, Rico! [Rico] Back off, Judas. Dad! If you take 'em out of this habitat, they'll die. You had your chance for the piece of the pie, - I'm gonna get my babies. - Dad! You can't... Do that? Hey, they're no good to you! Get off me, you jezebel! Hey! Ow. [Jerry] Come on! Boss, what do you want me to do with this one? Put him in the cage. He's just a little boy. The dino, you knot head! I thought you said they were just lizards? Just do it! Got it! Alright, put it down! Okay. [Monica] Daddy! Dad! Jerry. [Ritchie] Mr. Sarno. Where's my little angel? Where's my bird of flight? Oh, you're a regular poet. [Madonna squawks] Hey, hey! Hey, this haircut cost me six bucks, what's wrong with you people? I swear, I'm gonna rip his little beak off! He's gonna rip his little beak off! It's a she, ya crooks. [Louis fires gun] [glass shatters] [Monica screams] I got a headache, Mr. Sarno, can we go now? Yes, yes, bless you, good timing, Louis. Get the brachiosaurus, Ritchie. You got it, Mr. Sarno, which one is that? [Rico] Try the one that's loose. You know, Mr. Sarno, I don't think it's gonna work, look at this neck here. Just stuff him in there. [Louis] Come on, Ritchie, let's go. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, where's my angel? Where's my little angel? [Ruby barks] Hey, four outta five ain't bad, Mr. Sarno. [chuckles] Hey, shut up. Mr. Sarno, you want I should plug the dog? [Jerry] No! Rico, that dog is like a mother to them. What, are you deaf? I said shut up! [Ruby barks] Ah, man, I gotta think! Louis, grab the mutt, the rest of them, they're expendable. Rico, the dinosaurs will all die, but I can keep them alive. Okay, okay. Turn around. I want you sharecroppers to count to 500, if you don't, if you follow us, I'll kill the new lady of the house. Oh, I mean it, [chuckles] I'll kill her. I'll kill her dead! [Ruby barks] Get the dog, lunkhead. It's okay, it's okay. Come here, doggie. Today! [Louis] Mr. Sarno, this doggie likes me. I'm sure glad I didn't plug you. Trot! Mr. Sarno, Ritchie said... Shut up! 425, 426... 500, you count like an old lady! Hey, don't move. Come on, Dad, let's call the fuzz. I said don't move. Yeah, you wanna get Vicki killed, Jerry? Since when do you care? I care. Alright, we're going to the house, real slow. Stay behind me. Can we turn the heat down a notch or two, Mr. Sarno? No. It's like a steam bath in here, Mr. Sarno. Those reptiles need a 99-degree temperature. We're riding in a traveling sauna circus here without the three rings. Shut up and sweat. [Louis] I mean it, Mr. Sarno, I'm gonna pass out. Then do it, punk! Look, maybe we should just get them some water. Ritchie. Oh, dear, Mr. Sarno. It's okay, you'll be okay, Louis, just take little, baby breaths. That's it. [squawks] Come on eat, we got grapes to pick. What about your girl, Dad? Eat. Yeah, what about your girlfriend? Are we just gonna sit around here while she rots down there with that greedy slob? I did not slave over that stove so you two could jaw yourselves to death. Paper says there's a big surprise exhibit at the Angel City Museum. Did I not tell you to eat? Now eat, I don't wanna have to repeat myself. [Frank sighs] What about Ruby? Vicki will take care of Ruby. What about Elvis and the other little guys? What about them? They didn't belong to us, I told you that from the get-go. They don't belong to anybody, Daddy, they should all be free like Madonna. [Madonna squawks] This just makes my skin crawl. [dramatic music] Isn't that bended? It makes me sick. [upbeat music] Uh-oh, Dad's got that look in his eye. [reporters speak over each other] Whoa, whoa, love it. Rico, Rico, Rico... [Rico] That's my name, don't wear it out. Okay, one question at a time, please. Can you give us a hint, is it from this century? Cold, very cold, Bob. Is it bigger than a breadbasket? Maybe. Is it fish or fowl? Ooh, you're getting warm there, Helen. Is it a whole flock of bald eagles? Getting cold again. Miss Vicki, is it true that you were married to Tiny Tim? Get those tabloid slobs outta here. Back, back, back, back! Is it gonna change the world? Forever, it's a rebirth! No more questions! Is it spiritual. What did he say, huh? He said no more questions! Get outta here! Get outta here! Out, out, out, out! Out, out! [upbeat music] But you promised me an exclusive, Rico. Get in line, newsmonger, this is bigger than you and me. But you promised! Keep your shirt on, Sam, look, shut up, wait with the rest of the world. Geraldo, how are ya? [upbeat music] [applause] Thank you, thank you. [clears throat] Testing, testing, one, two, three, even kids under 12 can't get in for free. Happy? Delirious. Aren't you? I can't wait. Neither can I. Pathetic peons. [dramatic music] You gonna kill him, Dad? [knocks on door] Oh, hi there, Mr. T. Whoa, hot damn, [chuckles] what's the wingspread on that squab? [Frank] Hey, Whitey. He's late for the show. Where's Sarno? Oh, he's across the street, doing his act. [upbeat music] [Madonna squawks] [Frank] This won't take long. Uh, attention, attention, please. Yes, uh, well, I'd like to thank you all for coming out today, and my lovely young assistant here and I have, well, we've discovered a renewal of life. Please, give a big hand to Miss Vicki Vandell. [applause] Isn't she beautiful, ladies and gentlemen? Now, I would like to thank each, each and every one of you for coming out here today. What you're about to see is a labor of love, and I'd also like... Yeah, like I was saying, life takes strange little turns, and once you think you've seen it all, kids, you ain't seen nothing yet! This moment of time will be spoken of in hushed tones of reverence. Behold, I give you prehistoric life! [reporters laugh] [Ruby barks] My babies, where are my sugar babies? [Ruby barks] Where are my babies? Where are my sugar... Hey, nobody walks out on me, nobody! In here, kids. Paula, Hammer! [dinosaurs whimper] Hey, Elvis. How ya doin', Elvis? I missed you. [Monica chuckles] Got a minute? What? You got a minute? You did, you did this to me. You stole, you're the thief, not me! I'm the one who's trying to change the world! You... [Frank punches Rico] Whoa. So, you love those punks as much as me? Your kids? No, the dinos. I'm getting there, Mr. Taylor, I'm getting there. That's a fine-looking family you got there, Mr. T. See ya, Whitey. Bye. [starts truck] [upbeat music] [dramatic music] [upbeat music] Hey, slow down, will you, Jeffie? I'm about ready to pass out here. Jefe, Senor Sarno. Yeah, that's what I said. Come on, this has turned into a real bust, Jeffie. What is a bust, senor? You know a bust out, a dead end, no el artifactos. I've shown you many caves. Birdseed, amigo, all I got here is three arrowheads and a bear's tooth. The Sun still hangs high in the sky. Yeah, right. Well, I ain't got all day, okay, where's the good stuff? Good stuff? Yeah, you know, the sacred junk. You mean sagrado. Yeah, right, right, sagrado. There's still a cave over the ridge, but it's the Cave of Culebra. - Culebra? - Culebra? What's eating them? Only the ancestors of the ancestors are allowed near that sacred ground. All others will suffer or perish. Well, let's go take a peak. I said all others. Come on, I just wanna put my head inside. No. The Moon grows low. Oh, come on, make up your mind, first the Sun is high, now the Moon is low, what's with the double talk? Culebra has spoken! Jerry, turn it down, Jerry! I'm gonna kill you, Jerry, I swear to God! Can you believe my brother listens to Elvis? The kid is living in the Stone Age. Get off me! God, can't I have any peace in this house? Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Don't throw a song, old man. Elvis is dead, Jerry. So is that rock, Dad, but I still love them. What'd you find? More fossils, go get your sister and come help me. Listen, Culebra speaks. Why don't you cut it out with the hocus-pocus, I thought you were a modern Injun. I am not an Injun, I am third-generation Tolupan! Yeah, whatever, look, here, there's another 50 bucks, show me the cave. You've insulted my land and my people. Get off your high horse and take the half a yard, and come on, let's go. No, - Whoa! - you go. Okay. The tour is over. Okay. - Vamonos. - Yeah, okay, I'm going. Vamonos! Okay, you people are touchy, aren't ya? Come all the way to South America for what? A bunch of crummy rocks. You know... Okay, okay. Dad? Huh? You ever think about Mom? Yeah, all the time. Me too. Hand me that brush, son. Think she's in Heaven? Yep, probably having coffee and donuts with Elvis. Who do you think misses her the most? Oh, I don't know, maybe this pretty little lady named Ruby. Come here, come here, yes, yes, that's a girl. Do you love Ruby? Yeah, like a rock. Then why'd you give her puppies away? Times are hard, Jerry, and there's no way we can afford to have five more animals around here. I think she misses 'em. I think that... Daddy? Nope. I didn't even ask you anything. You're not going anywhere in that getup. She looks like Madonna in heat. Shut up, you little dweeb. Monica, it's a school night. I did all my homework, please, Daddy? I don't like you running around with that older crowd. It's just Spike and Rusty, you know Spike and Rusty. Whatever happened to Brain-Dead Danny? You're just jealous 'cause you don't have any friends. Honey, no is no, and you're not going out on a school night. Fine, fine, I hate this stupid farm! Don't feel bad, Mom couldn't handle her either. Who says I can't handle her? I can handle her. Open sesame, baby sneaks. Ow! Don't you jokers sneak up on me like that again. You hear me? You hear me? I didn't hear that. Maybe they put something in my Gatorade. Nah, the little savages wouldn't have the guts. Uh-oh, what's this? What the... About gave me a heart attack. Oh, man, it's like a meat locker in here. Bingo. Would you be quiet, you dumb mutt? Did you forget your key? Daddy, I... You're in big trouble, missy. Bingo, gringo. I guess you kinda caught me with my hand in the cookie jar, huh, Jeffie? Put 'em back. The souls of my ancestors cry out for your blood. Ignore it, Jefe, they're dead guys. Look, what do you say we cash these eggs in, we'll split it even-steven, huh? No dice. Put 'em back, slow and nice. Take it easy with that knife, okay, please, please. How come these eggs are so small, Jeffie? Many million moons ago, the son of Culebra came down from the mountains and presented these small, mutant eggs to the Tolupos tribe before he died. He promised that if we kept them cold and sacred, that no harm would ever come to our people. These are not just eggs, they're symbols of eternal life. Uh-huh, thanks for the history lesson, amigo. Hasta luego. Dad, what do you think you'll get for your dig this time? Ripped off. What'd you say? Nothing. Good, you got no say, young lady, after that stunt you pulled the other night. I want a life, I don't wanna go to a dumb museum! I mean, why can't we ever go to Disneyland or something? They got some neat stuff at those Angel City exhibits. I am sick to death of those dirty rocks. Like I said, you have no say, you're on probation, young lady. Then I'm jumping bail, I'm running away, I want out! Open the door, Jer. What? Open the door, your sister wants out. Daddy? There you go, jump, jump! Daddy, cut it out! Should I give her the heave-ho? Don't touch me, you little creep! Alright, sit back and pipe down. Close the door, Jer. It's not funny. Come on. You know, whatever you think they're worth, ma'am. Vicki. Jerry, get Ruby away from there. Oh, she's okay. Ruby. Why are you always so nervous about everything? I'm not, I'm not nervous. You've been coming in here for eight months, and you're still calling me ma'am. Have you... Have you, um, decided on a price? Would you relax? I'm not going to bite you. I know that. You have very pretty eyes, Mr. Taylor. It's Frank. So, shall we take another look at what you got here, Frank? Absolutely. Oh my. What? I think you got an azurite here. Is that good? That's great. Hey, Dad, you should see the dorky shirt Monica got. No, it's not, it's really cool, Daddy. See? Say hello to the nice lady, kids. - Hi, Vicki. - Hi, Vicki. Hi. You want us to get lost? No, no, we're just talking about rocks. He's getting ripped off. Shut up. Hey, welcome back, Mr. Sarno. Hey, what's going on, sweetheart? Mr. Sarno, you remember the Taylors? Hi, folks. Get away from me, stinkball! Mr. Sarno... Usual price. Yeah, but Mr. Taylor has some new azurites. It's still dino poop, Vicki, usual price. But... I'm sorry, Frank, it's the usual price. Whatever's fair. It's not fair, it's just the way it is. It's not your fault, Vicki. Let me go talk to him. No, no, no, no, it's okay. No, it's not okay, Daddy. I know we saw an unbelievable... I said it was okay. You're a stubborn man, Frank. Proud, stubborn, you name it. Passionate? Sometimes. When? Daddy, are we gonna hang out in this boneyard all day? We haven't seen the pterodactyl exhibit yet. Whoop-de-doo. Can we please blow this musty pop stand? Keep your shirts on, we're going. Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get your check. Vicki? Yes? Um, um, nothing. Daddy? Get the cooler. Jerry, get the cooler. Ruby, get the cooler. Sam, Sam, you wouldn't believe me if I did tell you. No, I can't spill it to the papers right now, 'cause it's big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, Radio City Music Hall-big. What are you looking at? I didn't say anything. Yeah, but you were thinking something. What were we talking about then? Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, it's bigger than sunken ships. Look, I don't wanna get prehysterical here, but I think I'm gonna change the course of natural history. Nah, you're gonna have to read about it in the funny papers. Tootles. Have a good trip? I found the holy grail, and I ain't whistlin' dixie. Do you want some water? No, oh, you'd like to see me choke, wouldn't ya? Hey, I didn't say that. Yeah, but you were thinking it. No, sir, what I was thinking is that you're being a little rude to the Taylors. Who? Oh, them. Oh, screw 'em, I got bigger fish to fry. Hey, man, turn it back. Who do you think you are? Shut up, you make me carsick! What's tipping your beans? Getting pretty cozy with Professor Cupcakes, huh? Honey, we're just friends. Leave him alone, he's horny. Hey! What did I do? I'm gonna be a very, very rich man. Can I go? No. Go get the cooler. I'm gonna crack open this little bottle of champagne and you and I are gonna drink a toast. What's taking so long? I'm dying of thirst in here. Was that Sam Simon from the Times? In the phone flesh. I could hear the spit running down his chin. What's in this thing, a cure for cancer? You're thinking small, my dear. What are you talking about? Drink up, honey pie, salute. Right. Open it. Behold, I give you prehistoric life! A turkey bone? What? What the hell's this? Turkey bones? Sandwiches? Wait a minute, this isn't my cooler. My babies, where are my babies? My eggs, where are my eggs? Did you bring the cooler in? Nope. Monica! What? Get enough to eat there? It's a ghoul monster! Squash it, Dad! You are such an immature specimen. Where is the cooler, Monica? I don't know, that was barf boy's job. Well, it's not in the truck and it doesn't have any legs, so obviously it didn't walk off on its own. Daddy, it's getting cold. Keep looking, that was a $50 cooler. Maybe it popped out when you hit the tracks back there. My face is turning into plaster of Paris. I didn't hit those tracks that hard. Dad, have you seen Ruby? Oh, hello, Mona. Monica! Whatever, is your daddy home? Wait here. Ah, Mr. Taylor. What can I do for ya? Well, there's been a slight little mix-up. And what might that be? Well, I believe I have something of yours and I think that you have something of mine. Great, we have been looking all over all night for this, thank you, thank you very much! Sure. Oh, what a sweet young thing. Excuse me, I have to go wash my hair. Lovely child. Okay, where is it? Pardon? Don't get cute with me, where's my cooler? Your cooler? Hand it over, farm boy! Hey, I don't like your tone, and I don't know what you're talking about, mister. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've just lost something very, very precious to me, something you can't put a price tag on. Here's 200 bucks, gimme. Give you what? Look, I'm sure it was all perfectly innocent on your part, but your family has mistaken my cooler for yours, by accident, of course. That's possible, we looked high and low for that, but... Give you 300. It's not a question of money, Mr. Sarno, goodnight! Whoa! Will somebody shut that pooch up before I go crazy? Could you feed her, Jer? What's with her? Maybe she's in heat. I guess we better keep her down there for a while, that Anderson spaniel's been hanging around here again. Oh, please don't let her be preggers again. That last litter we gave away almost broke her heart. So what do you care? I care. Alright, I'm... I got it, Dad. Chow time, Ruby. Wow. Wow. Ruby, did you hatch these guys? Look at this mess. Just try some dog food. How about you? You? Tyrannosaurus Rex, The King! Elvis! I know how it is, Elvis. I'm a meat and potatoes man too. You sleeping, Elvis? He's asleep. Aw. Wait, where's the flighty one? Oh, great! Me, my turn, it's always my turn, I've done this BS faithfully for five years, I'm so sick of it! Daddy! Geez, what was that, a bat? Good god, it had a nose like my math teacher. Just stay calm. Oh, great, Monica! She's gonna rat on me. Keep 'em in here, girl. Sorry, Chilly. Hold it, babe. I just had that Fender restrung. Get off me, I'm gonna kill this thing! No, you're not, it's Ruby's kid. What? What was that? Honey, we got company. Come on. I don't like this. Stop acting like a girl. I am a girl, dummy. Look, they're gonna be more scared of you than you are of them. Aw. See? They're so neat. Aw! Elvis! Say howdy, 'cause you just got kissed on the tush by The King. Get that beast away from me. Watch your tongue, sis, Elvis just needs a little meat. Right, Elvis? You can't be going and eating Monica's butt, Elvis, you'll get indigestion, or brain damage. Let's see... Not lamb chops, Dad will skin me alive. Ah, how about some bologna? Elvis. Don't go messing with my cookies, man. That's for dessert. Watch the fingers, Godzilla. You're invading my space. Ruby, do something! You're kinda cute. Highway robbers. Crooks! I can barely hear you, Mr. Sarno. Those double-dealing sons of... Crooks! The Taylors are good and honest. Those dirt farmers led me on a wild goose chase. You didn't find your cooler? Yeah, yeah, I got the cooler, I got it in my hip pocket, no, I do not have the cooler! Highway robbers. Madonna. For a pterodactyl? That's a girl's name, man. It is a girl, man. Madonna. See? Okay, fine, what do you wanna call the stegosaurus? Bon Jovi? That has a nice ring, but how about Prince? No way! And we're not calling the chasmosaurus Hammer. How about I tell Daddy about your little friends? Right. The stegosaurus is Jagger. Fine, but the brachiosaurus, Paula, and the chasmo is Hammer. The King disagrees, man. Sick her, Elvis. God, Jerry. Jerry, open this door. Monica? What's going on? Who locked this door? Just make sure Madonna stays down here. Hey, Dad. Why is this door locked? There's a lotta crazies out there, Dad. This is a farm, Jerry, we're in the middle of nowhere, you kids tell me that all the time. It can happen anywhere. What can happen anywhere? Ax murder, they get you in your sleep. So what's going on, Jer? Nothing, how's the resin game coming? Where's Monica? Downstairs, taking care of Ruby, that dog's got hormones popping left and right. Monica! Monica! She's just feeding Ruby. Monica! She's just feeding Ruby. Hi, Daddy. What are you doing in there? I'm feeding Ruby, keeping her outta trouble, isn't that what you want? Hm. I want you two to hightail it up to the living room, 'cause I know when you're up to something, and you're gonna sit down and you're gonna tell me what it is. Working late, Miss Vicki? Oh god, Whitey, why do you scare the bejesus out of me? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. What are you still doing here? My job. Whitey, I gotta ask you a question. Now don't take this wrong, but, we're missing a cooler from the lab, and I was just wondering if... Well, I do take it wrong, Miss Vicki, I clean and watch over this place like it was my own child. Been working here for over 20 years, and I've never taken so much as a tissue. I'm sorry, Whitey, I didn't mean to insult you, it's just that Mr. Sarno's breathing down my neck about this. I'm embarrassed I even brought it up, you're the only honest Joe in this whole place. I knew it, I knew it was Whitey! Good job, Vic. Rico, no! Get his legs. Sir? Call the law, Vicki! Sir? Stop it, Rico! You're going to jail, scrub monkey. Sir? Call the cops! Whitey, are you okay? Yeah. What about me? You need a long rest, Rico! I'm sorry, sir, I know, I know, I'm fired. I'll see you tomorrow. What are you looking at? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Oh, is that another one of your little wisecracks? He's a sweet old man! He'd steal plastic forks at a company picnic. Your mind is going. Is it? And where were you when the cat was away, making like a mouse? What? Oh, you're the only one left, Vicki, it's just you and you alone all by yourself, right? Mr. Sarno, I never touched your precious little cooler! How do I know that? I don't know that. I didn't take it! I could have your little archeological grant taken away like that! You are really losing it, Rico. Oh yeah? I'll show you losing it! I know when someone's lying to me, I can tell by their eyes, and you two are lying. About what, Dad? We'd never lie to you, Daddy. Do you think I'm a fool? Do you think I am some rube who just fell off the raisin truck? No, Daddy. We don't know what you're talking about, Pop. Oh, you don't, huh? Ruby's pregnant, isn't she? - What? - What? You heard me, I told you to keep her away from that Anderson spaniel. Dad, Ruby's not pregnant. Oh, she isn't, huh? No, but we think you should consider it, she's real lonely. Not a chance! It's not fair to Ruby, keeping her cooped up down there like that, she has rights too. Yeah, if Monica was in heat, you wouldn't lock her down there. Don't help me, go to Kmart and get yourself an IQ. Well, that's a good one coming from Miss 55 in Science. You're so dense. Alright, cut it out! We have been through this 100 times, we have plenty of pets around here. Okay. Now if I hear one more word about this, I'm gonna have that dog... Okay? Do I hear okay? Yeah. Okay then, go to your rooms. Don't tell me I don't know how to handle 'em. I know how to handle 'em. Where are my keys? Where is my cooler? How many times do I have to tell you, I don't know! Round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows. I don't have your cooler, okay? You're a lying, deceitful little tramp... Uh, your breath is killing me! Where is it? You're impossible! I got keys that jingle, jangle, jingle. Give 'em here! Up, girl. God, you're a sick puppy, Rico. Woof, woof, woof. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Get out of my way! You're not going anywhere until I get my cooler back. Are you gonna get outta my way? Well, you just got a little bit too greedy for your own good, didn't you? I am warning you, Rico. Oh, I'm scared, Vicki, I'm so scared... Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. What the... What the hell? Monica, Jerry, get down here on the double! What in the hell is this? It almost bit my head off! Elvis wouldn't do that, would ya, Elvis? Jerry? He's the new King, Dad. What's going on? Where in the Sam hell did you find these things? In the cellar. Well, that's where we keep 'em, Daddy. It's no big deal, Dad. You two have some explaining to do, and it better be good. Now, get these things outta here, pronto! - Yes, Dad. - Yes, Dad. Me, always me, what am I, the maid? Bye. Why can't we keep them, Dad? You lied to me, Jer, that cooler was down here the whole time, wasn't it? I didn't take it, Ruby took it. Those animals belong to Mr. Sarno. Ruby hatched 'em, Mr. Sarno couldn't do that, doesn't that kinda make 'em her babies? Fix the latch, Jer. Come on. Back to work, princess. Yes, sir. Spick and span. We're still missing the flying one. Have you seen it? Not a sign, Daddy. What was that? A car pulling up? Shh! Shh. Hi. Vicki, what's wrong? I think I'm in big trouble. Why? He just kept coming at me and coming at me, so I hit him! I hit him hard, with a hunk of bedrock. What, did you kill Fred Flintstone? This isn't funny, I think I hurt Sarno. Well, that's good. This was a mistake, I shouldn't have come here, you don't give a rat's tail about me... Come in the house. No. Why not? Give me my keys. Heel, Ruby. Give me my keys back. What keys? Just stay cool, I'll bust you outta this joint in no time. Jerry! What's she doing here? She? This she has a name, young lady. Hello, Monica. Hi, Vic. Hi. You look like you got a case of the GI blues. Do I? Tell her about the cooler, Jer. Don't do it, she'll rat us out! Mind your tongue, young lady. What was in the cooler, Jerry? You mean funny-looking little creatures, like mutated dinosaurs? No, these are dinosaurs, what did Daddy just say? That's impossible. They look pretty real to me. Frank, dinosaurs haven't been around for 65 million years. Well, they're back, man, and they're looking for trouble. Hey, cut the Elvis act, huh? We're trying to work this out. Can I see them? Come on, Elvis, get Monica, Elvis, come on, Elvis. This isn't normal, and they can do major damage, but what am I gonna do, put 'em on a leash? I mean, look at 'em. I mean, sure, they're cute. Come on, come on, come on, alright! I gotta pay the bills. Am I right, Vicki? Mm-hmm. Are you okay? Uh-huh. Say hi to Elvis, Vicki-do. Hi. He loves the ladies, man. Get that crocodile away from her nose! I thought she might like to meet the new King. I don't trust that one. Oh, Frank, I think I'd like to take a look at it. Why? It's butt-ugly. You're hurting The King's feelings. Frank, can I just please take a closer look at it? See? I'm not going to hurt you. These things were over 40 feet long and seven tons, the biggest terrestrial carnivore that ever lived. Guess we got the runt of the litter. They're a reverse-hybridization of the species, Frank. They must've been frozen in those eggs for ages. They're awfully small, but they're still the real deal. Sort of a Darwinian redo. We told you. Oh gosh, Frank, you cannot give these back to Sarno. But they're his eggs. So, give him the shells. There you go, Dad, it's all settled, Elvis and his sidekicks stay. It's not right. Frank, I am telling you, Sarno will put them in a circus or he'll ship them off to Hollywood. They'll just be five giant dollar signs to him. Geez, get this vampire bat away from me! Okay, Monica, call her off. Come to Momma. That's a good Material Girl. Madonna. Yeah, son? I just wanted to say goodnight, Dad. Oh, goodnight, I'll see ya in the morning, bye-bye. Mind if I say goodnight to Vicki? Goodnight, Jerry. Goodnight, Vicki. Okay, everybody said goodnight to everybody else, so goodnight, don't let the bedbugs... Wait a minute, where's your sister? I don't know, in bed, I guess, goodnight. Goodnight. I'm sorry, I guess Monica forgot her manners. Oh, you don't have to apologize, your kids are adorable. You want 'em, you can have 'em. You don't mean that. You want another drink? Oh, no, I should get going. You're not going anywhere. Well, I can't stay here. Please? I don't want anything to happen to you. Thank you. I'll sleep on the couch. Frank. - Frank. - Shh! Alright, I heard that, Monica! Oh, Frank, Frank, Frank, it's okay. I won't have that nosy bird poking its beak into my business, now that one gets locked up with the others tomorrow. Frank, they're not zoo animals. I can't have those varmints running wild on my place. Frank, you worry too much. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Morning. Morning. Nice underwear. Huh? Are those black hearts? They're raisins. Nice. The kids gave 'em to me. Very nice, you should be very proud. Are you making fun of my skivvies? Me? Morning, sweetie. Is she gonna finish her little project sometime this month? I can't babysit these things forever, you know? I'll be done soon, why don't you just put them inside? Why don't you? Monica, Monica, come back here! I'll go talk to her. Don't you think you should put on some pants first? I'm not the bashful type. Could've fooled me. Watch where you're going! Your brain-dead brother should watch where he leaves his toys. Danny, what are you doing up before 3:00 p.m.? You are so fresh, I had to see my ladylove. - No, Danny! - Awesome gizmo. Where's the batteries? Oh, cool, it talks! Danny, this is a real dinosaur. Ah, sure it is. So, you busy tonight? It is, now get outta here, my father hates you. Ah, chill, crumb cakes, I'm in love. Beat it. Can I have a word with you? Hey, your dad's half naked, nice gams, Mr. T, I see where your daughter gets her legs. Daddy, you remember Brain-Dead Danny? I said beat it! Looks like I've been moted, hon. I'll call you later. Absotively. Chow, little dude. Peace. Hello, farm boy. Whoa, caught you with your pants down, huh? Did you have a nice little roll in the hay, did ya? What do you want, Sarno? You know what I want, wood hick, I want my babies back, and I want 'em now. What babies? Play dumb with me and I'll spill your brains like a box of your raisins. Sick him. I don't want anyone else to get hurt, alright? Yeah? Well, you and I are gonna turn this cheese box upside down! They're not in there. Yeah, right. I knew they were here! Ow, oh! Oh, get your teeth outta me! Ah, oh! Your babies don't like you. Yeah, they do, they're just being playful. Get away from me! Jerry. Chill, Elvis. Where's my gun? And I don't like you either. Hey, don't push me, please, you broke the law! You like threatening women? A little bit. Hey, wait a minute, she was asking for it. Turn around! Huh? Turn around and bend over. What do you think you're... Okay. Now crawl back to your car! Are you outta your stinkin' mind? Watch me crawl. Oh man, this is really humiliating, they're my babies, not yours! I'll be back! Maybe not. Get off my land. You got a real attitude problem, raisin breath. Daddy, I heard a shot. What's going on? Nothing, I just ran off a chicken thief. Yeah, there you go. Oh, you're such a cute little dino. How do you like your new home, hm? How do you like it? I bet you like it. Yeah, there you go. Oh, sweetie. Hi, here you go. Are you happy here? Oops, you don't eat leaves. Sorry. This is excellent, Vicki! Thanks. The grape leaves are very good. Monica? What? You haven't touched yours. I'm not hungry. Monica. I'll eat hers. You would. I would. I'll put yours in the fridge, how's that? May I be excused? Monica, please. Let her go, Frank. Ditto. Fine, fine, you're excused. There's no excuse for you, Jerry. What crawled under her armpit? I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about you, what's bugging you? Nothing! Don't tell me it's nothing when I know it's something. I don't wanna talk about it. Ever since you were four years old, you and I could talk about anything. Times change, I don't have anything to say. Well, I do! Go talk to your girlfriend, your little scientist babe! Are you jealous of her? That's sick. Monica, you'll always be Daddy's girl, you know that. What about Mom, huh? Your mother's been dead for 2 1/2 years, sweetie. Don't you ever think about her? I dream about her every night, and in that dream, she's still alive, but by the end, she's gone, and I have to go through it all over again. I have the same dream. I'm sorry, Daddy, I just don't want a new mom. Vicki's not gonna be your new mom, she's my friend. If Brain-Dead Danny were to pass away, you'd want a new boyfriend someday, wouldn't you? I want a new boyfriend now. So this is the countryside? Blue sky, wide open spaces, fresh air. What is that smell? It's probably you. Hey, I didn't do it. Well, I didn't do it. Well, I didn't do it. Hey, Mr. Sarno, I smell something, did you do it? It's cow doo-doo, you nitwits, just keep your eyes peeled for a blue farmhouse. Pardon me, excuse me, Mr. Sarno, is a farmhouse the same as a ranch house? 1,000 a piece for these two. So, they're like dinosaurs, but they're not real dinosaurs, Mr. Sarno? Yes, yes, Louis, they're deformed lizards! Hey, speaking of deformed, I knew this hunchback in the sixth grade, you can imagine, when this guy had an itch, hey, oh! You gotta be kidding me, you graduated sixth grade? Oh no, he missed it by three days, you believe that? He, uh, stabbed the art teacher with a chisel. Yeah, crybaby... I mean, right? It was just a chisel. Hey, hey, just shut up and listen, okay? You gotta treat these creatures with kid gloves, they get a little nasty sometimes. Hey, if some lizard bites me, I'll grind him up into a pair of shoes, bada bing, bada boom. You touch a scale of their skin and I'm gonna grind the two of you up! They're worth millions of... Of? Of dollars, Mr. Sarno? We're almost there. You know, I'm thinking here, Mr. Sarno, if they're worth millions of dollars, then me and Ritchie should get like, um, 1,200 a piece, am I right, Ritchie? Absolutely, more than a thousand, in spades, that is for sure. Listen, we made a deal, and a deal is a deal, otherwise you two will never work in this town again! See what you almost did, Ritchie? Hey, I didn't do nothing. Your carriage awaits, m'lady. Let's get going, Brain-Dead. That's my name, don't wear it out. Oh! Those are b-bitchin' th-threads, Monica! Just drive. I'm the only one in 10th grade who's got a license, is that why you go out with me? No, it's 'cause you're 16 and real smart. Slow down, Einstein! What's he doing back here? Who are those dudes? You're not cheating on me, are ya? Just shut up and turn around, dummy! Hey, no reason to bag me out, your wish is my command, my highness. Give me that. Give me that. I'll see ya later, Ritchie. He is so stupid, Mr. Sarno. Yeah, well, you're close behind him. Hey, get outta here, fleabag. Good day, my friend. Can I help you? Could I perhaps interest you in some Girl Scout Cookies? Is this a joke? Scouting is not a joke, sir, it keeps the little tarts off the street. Well, I don't think so. Get the dog. Mr. Sarno, what if he bites me? Then bite him back, what do you think I'm paying you 1,000 bucks for? You know, I was thinking, I think we should get at least 1,100 for this. I'll give you 1,500, just tie up the stinkin' dog! Alright, where are the cookies? Sorry, no free samples. Good doggie, shut up, doggie, nice doggie, you're not a mutt, you're a good dog. Hey, what are you doing to my dog? Hey, watch the hair! Would you watch the hair? Leave it alone, Rico! Back off, Judas. Dad! If you take 'em out of this habitat, they'll die. You had your chance for the piece of the pie, - I'm gonna get my babies. - Dad! You can't... Do that? Hey, they're no good to you! Get off me, you jezebel! Hey! Ow. Come on! Boss, what do you want me to do with this one? Put him in the cage. He's just a little boy. The dino, you knot head! I thought you said they were just lizards? Just do it! Got it! Alright, put it down! Okay. Daddy! Dad! Jerry. Mr. Sarno. Where's my little angel? Where's my bird of flight? Oh, you're a regular poet. Hey, hey! Hey, this haircut cost me six bucks, what's wrong with you people? I swear, I'm gonna rip his little beak off! He's gonna rip his little beak off! It's a she, ya crooks. I got a headache, Mr. Sarno, can we go now? Yes, yes, bless you, good timing, Louis. Get the brachiosaurus, Ritchie. You got it, Mr. Sarno, which one is that? Try the one that's loose. You know, Mr. Sarno, I don't think it's gonna work, look at this neck here. Just stuff him in there. Come on, Ritchie, let's go. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, where's my angel? Where's my little angel? Hey, four outta five ain't bad, Mr. Sarno. Hey, shut up. Mr. Sarno, you want I should plug the dog? No! Rico, that dog is like a mother to them. What, are you deaf? I said shut up! Ah, man, I gotta think! Louis, grab the mutt, the rest of them, they're expendable. Rico, the dinosaurs will all die, but I can keep them alive. Okay, okay. Turn around. I want you sharecroppers to count to 500, if you don't, if you follow us, I'll kill the new lady of the house. Oh, I mean it, I'll kill her. I'll kill her dead! Get the dog, lunkhead. It's okay, it's okay. Come here, doggie. Today! Mr. Sarno, this doggie likes me. I'm sure glad I didn't plug you. Trot! Mr. Sarno, Ritchie said... Shut up! 425, 426... 500, you count like an old lady! Hey, don't move. Come on, Dad, let's call the fuzz. I said don't move. Yeah, you wanna get Vicki killed, Jerry? Since when do you care? I care. Alright, we're going to the house, real slow. Stay behind me. Can we turn the heat down a notch or two, Mr. Sarno? No. It's like a steam bath in here, Mr. Sarno. Those reptiles need a 99-degree temperature. We're riding in a traveling sauna circus here without the three rings. Shut up and sweat. I mean it, Mr. Sarno, I'm gonna pass out. Then do it, punk! Look, maybe we should just get them some water. Ritchie. Oh, dear, Mr. Sarno. It's okay, you'll be okay, Louis, just take little, baby breaths. That's it. Come on eat, we got grapes to pick. What about your girl, Dad? Eat. Yeah, what about your girlfriend? Are we just gonna sit around here while she rots down there with that greedy slob? I did not slave over that stove so you two could jaw yourselves to death. Paper says there's a big surprise exhibit at the Angel City Museum. Did I not tell you to eat? Now eat, I don't wanna have to repeat myself. What about Ruby? Vicki will take care of Ruby. What about Elvis and the other little guys? What about them? They didn't belong to us, I told you that from the get-go. They don't belong to anybody, Daddy, they should all be free like Madonna. This just makes my skin crawl. Isn't that bended? It makes me sick. Uh-oh, Dad's got that look in his eye. Whoa, whoa, love it. Rico, Rico, Rico... That's my name, don't wear it out. Okay, one question at a time, please. Can you give us a hint, is it from this century? Cold, very cold, Bob. Is it bigger than a breadbasket? Maybe. Is it fish or fowl? Ooh, you're getting warm there, Helen. Is it a whole flock of bald eagles? Getting cold again. Miss Vicki, is it true that you were married to Tiny Tim? Get those tabloid slobs outta here. Back, back, back, back! Is it gonna change the world? Forever, it's a rebirth! No more questions! Is it spiritual. What did he say, huh? He said no more questions! Get outta here! Get outta here! Out, out, out, out! Out, out! But you promised me an exclusive, Rico. Get in line, newsmonger, this is bigger than you and me. But you promised! Keep your shirt on, Sam, look, shut up, wait with the rest of the world. Geraldo, how are ya? Thank you, thank you. Testing, testing, one, two, three, even kids under 12 can't get in for free. Happy? Delirious. Aren't you? I can't wait. Neither can I. Pathetic peons. You gonna kill him, Dad? Oh, hi there, Mr. T. Whoa, hot damn, what's the wingspread on that squab? Hey, Whitey. He's late for the show. Where's Sarno? Oh, he's across the street, doing his act. This won't take long. Uh, attention, attention, please. Yes, uh, well, I'd like to thank you all for coming out today, and my lovely young assistant here and I have, well, we've discovered a renewal of life. Please, give a big hand to Miss Vicki Vandell. Isn't she beautiful, ladies and gentlemen? Now, I would like to thank each, each and every one of you for coming out here today. What you're about to see is a labor of love, and I'd also like... Yeah, like I was saying, life takes strange little turns, and once you think you've seen it all, kids, you ain't seen nothing yet! This moment of time will be spoken of in hushed tones of reverence. Behold, I give you prehistoric life! My babies, where are my sugar babies? Where are my babies? Where are my sugar... Hey, nobody walks out on me, nobody! In here, kids. Paula, Hammer! Hey, Elvis. How ya doin', Elvis? I missed you. Got a minute? What? You got a minute? You did, you did this to me. You stole, you're the thief, not me! I'm the one who's trying to change the world! You... Whoa. So, you love those punks as much as me? Your kids? No, the dinos. I'm getting there, Mr. Taylor, I'm getting there. That's a fine-looking family you got there, Mr. T. See ya, Whitey. Bye. |
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