The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
To see what he could see
To see what he could see
To see what he could see
And when he got over the mountain
And when he got over the mountain
And when he got over the mountain
What do you think he saw?
What do you think he saw?
What do you think he saw?
A bullet in his brain
A bullet in his brain
A bullet in his brain
- Pow!
- Pow!
Have you seen this? This is the video
of that cat getting flushed down a toilet.
Look.
Fat kid does karate.
Homeless man drop-kicks pedestrian.
Have you seen this one?
I don't have a phone.
First graders have cell phones.
Get a phone.
Cell phones emit
electromagnetic radiation.
Radiation affects brainwaves,
attention levels, testosterone.
I'm not worried about my testosterone.
I'm worried about you.
What if somebody needs
to get in touch with you?
- What somebody?
- What if there's an emergency?
- What emergency?
- I'm... the emergency is hypothetical.
I'm hypothesizing that at some point
you might need to get in touch
- with a member of the human race.
- Nah. I have a dog.
Speaking of dogs, do you remember
when we spray-painted
that Cocker Spaniel
that lived next door?
I remember being grounded for 17 months.
One time...
when the old man was changing
his carburetor on that piece of shit C10,
I threw a golf ball
at a bottle of Pennzoil.
Direct hit. His face was covered
in transmission fluid.
You're lucky the old man
didn't choke you with the fan belt.
I was lucky that you were
always there to save my ass.
To my big brother. Welcome back.
Are we there yet?
- I have to pee.
- You're a peeing machine.
You... Are you okay?
Are you experiencing kidney failure?
Do you need dialysis? Seriously. Why is it
that women need to pee every 17 miles?
Can we just find a gas station?
Honey, we are going camping,
not antiquing.
At some point, you're gonna have
to tinkle amongst the trees.
Come here.
I want to go antiquing.
Walter, I didn't mean to leave you
with your dick in your hand
with the Rothman account.
Yeah, no, something came up.
I'm not gonna be back
in the office till Monday.
Tell Bridget...
make sure Bridget confirms the conference
call and CCs me on the invoice.
This too.
Thanks.
Oh, sorry.
It'll die. Eventually.
His battery? It'll run out.
- I was hoping he wouldn't get reception.
- Yeah. No outlets in the woods.
He'd better hope I don't feed
that phone to my dog.
Can I have the bathroom key?
I thought you guys said
you'd been here before.
When we were kids. I guess
there's been some budget cuts.
- Well, how can they close a state park?
- They can't.
Little chain-link never stopped
the Neary family.
Isn't there, like, a fine or something
if someone catches us?
There's nobody here. The place is dead.
10 years old, front tooth
is loose but won't come out.
Dad hands me that model 70,
and the recoil knocks my tooth right out.
From that day forward, Dad always
called this rifle the Tooth Fairy.
I hate that gun.
Come here. Come on.
Walnut stock, mauser action.
I'll take Dad's old Winny
any day of the week.
Old is the operative word.
You stick with your iron sights.
I'm going with an EBR-2B HD zoom radical
with a 75-yard Parallax setting
and real-time ballistic calibration.
That's not hunting. That's cheating.
Look at that. Map says
there's a kid's museum.
- Kiddie museum?
- What trail are we taking?
We don't follow the trails.
We follow the animals.
Well, I'll follow you.
I'm directionally challenged.
Don't worry, we won't get lost.
We got GPS.
And so does the dog.
I got Buck a present.
Come here, Buck.
Real-time GPS.
The red dot is Buck.
He can chase down the deer.
We find Buck, we find Bambi.
Hey, litterer.
What if some little kid steps on that?
Then some little kid can sue me
for negligent disposal
of mediocre American beer.
Little kids are real litigious
these days.
Let's go hunting.
Alcohol and firearms.
A Neary family tradition.
I don't see anything.
Just 'cause you don't see 'em
doesn't mean they're not there.
We're not watching them,
they're watching us.
As long as we can find this dot,
we find our way back.
Hansel and Gretel used breadcrumbs.
Sean prefers spray paint.
It's biodegradable.
Woods are the only weapon you need.
Yeah, well, I need something
a little more heavy-duty.
PETA must love this.
All is fair in love and online shopping.
A real hunter doesn't give chase.
A real hunter is already there.
Close your eyes.
Count to three.
One...
two...
three.
Oh, God!
I hate it when he does that.
First time hunters hesitate to kill
because their emotions interfere.
Emotions are a mistake.
Watch, wait.
- Be ready to pull the trigger.
- She's totally ready.
She's got her game face on.
I don't know if you knew this about my wife,
but she's a very competitive person.
Beginner's luck.
Now don't worry, honey. No pressure.
I've never seen anyone
bag a buck on their first try.
We'll see about that.
Like I said, competitive.
That dog never takes his eyes off you.
That dog saved my life.
Several times.
Please tell me that isn't our dinner.
- Tastes better than it looks.
- I'm vegan.
I'll pick you some pinecones.
Come here.
Come take a cut.
Come on. I thought you went
to med school.
If you want to exsanguinate,
you cut the carotid.
All right, so I guess blood
doesn't exactly bother you.
My first year of residency,
I did an ER rotation.
They gurneyed in a four-year-old boy with
bullet wounds from a drive-by-shooting.
A bullet had ruptured his orbital plate
causing subarachnoid hemorrhaging.
He bled to death in my arms.
So...
no.
Blood doesn't bother me.
I saw a 13-year-old get burned alive
outside a madrasa.
Couple of PFCs got drunk,
got a can of gasoline,
took a Bic lighter to her burqa.
They called it "Hot Potato."
Court martial called it a "thrill kill."
A bear will kill because it's defensive.
A lion will kill because it's hungry.
Man's the only animal
that kills because it's fun.
Don't get too close.
You might cut yourself.
I didn't mean to interrupt the tutorial.
Please proceed.
I smell like viscera. I'm going
for a swim if anyone cares to join.
- No peeking, pervert.
- Scout's honor.
Beware the creature
from the algae-filled cesspool!
You're like a... pilot fish
that latches onto dorsals.
It's a symbiotic relationship.
This is totally the type of lake from which
a two-headed creature might emerge.
Polycephalic creatures don't scare me.
Brain-eating amoebas, on the other hand?
This lake is filled with parasites.
Builds your constitution.
Sean and I used to pee in the pool
every day growing up.
- It was like swimming in lemonade.
- Wait, are you peeing right now?
We should put in a pool.
- Pools are a lot of work.
- Yeah. But it could be a lot of fun.
Oh, we could have pool parties.
You know, if we ever have kids.
Kids scare me. They're so short.
Why can't we ever have
this conversation?
I'm sorry, Wit. I have a lot on my mind.
My job, my brother.
You know, he's been sleeping in his car
ever since he's been back.
He got a job at a construction site.
He got fired for showing up drunk.
When we had that drink at the bar,
he told me that he isn't just on leave.
He told me he was discharged,
but he won't tell me why.
This was supposed to be our weekend.
You and me making... S'mores.
Making logistically-challenging love
in a sleeping bag.
- He's my brother.
- I'm your wife.
This is literally the longest conversation
we've had in three weeks.
We need to talk, Mike.
I need to talk to you.
Talk to me about what?
Sorry.
Walter, look, indices
are down, the S&P... Yeah.
A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly, courteous, kind,
obedient, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, and relevant.
Reverent.
I'm pretty sure it's relevant.
How could a Boy Scout be relevant?
Sean here made it
all the way to Eagle Scout.
- Dad always liked you more.
- Shut up.
- I bet you were cute as Boy Scouts.
- We were not cute. We were monsters.
We used to push over Port-a-Potties
at the state fair.
We used to stuff raw meat
into people's mufflers.
We used to hotwire cars
in the shopping mall parking lot.
We'd break into golf courses
and shoot at squirrels.
Poster children
for the gun control lobby.
Shouldn't Boy Scouts
be singing "Kumbaya"?
The Neary family
is notoriously tone-deaf.
Our mom used to sing us lullabies
despite the fact that she couldn't sing.
At all. But no matter what...
if we were having nightmares
or we were too afraid to sleep,
she'd come into our room and sing
"The Bear Went Over the Mountain."
Like she could protect us
from all the evil in the world.
All the boogeymen under our bed.
Fucking song's been stuck
in my head for 30 years.
Tomorrow, we hunt the old-fashioned way.
No GPS.
No cheating.
Fine, then. I'll give it to my wife.
She's directionally challenged.
This way...
I can see you...
if you can't keep up tomorrow.
Tomorrow I think I'm just gonna
do some yoga and finish my book.
That's a good idea.
We should all do some yoga.
Maybe roast some tofu.
Really, you don't want to go hunting?
I'm not exactly the hunting type.
I don't have it in me. I just...
I don't think I could actually kill.
I think you'd be surprised at what
you can do when it needs to be done,
when it's fight or flight,
kill or be killed.
Self-preservation.
- You ever hear the story of Artemis?
- Greek goddess of hunting.
Artemis was just a little girl
when Zeus sent her into the woods
to fight the big, black bear Calisto.
Artemis decided that,
in order to defeat the bear,
she would have to become a bear.
So she cut off all her little girl hair,
she threw away
all of her little girl clothes,
she tied bearskin to her own skin,
she tied bear teeth to her own teeth.
She learned to walk on all fours.
And then one day,
she walked into the woods.
And into the cave.
Disguised from head to toe
in bear hides,
she approached
the hibernating black bear.
Calisto... believing that she was
his little cub,
cradled Artemis in his arms,
went back to sleep.
That's when Artemis found a rock,
and, with a strength
she never knew she had,
she broke his skull.
Later that night,
walking back to the village,
bearskin tied to her own skin,
bear teeth tied to her own teeth,
holding in her hands the head
of the big, black bear Calisto,
Artemis, it was decided,
was no longer a girl.
In that village, on that night...
Artemis became a god.
Shit.
Sorry. I have to take this.
I hope a bear eats his cell phone.
Walter, hey, yeah,
I'm in the middle of nowhere...
Smoke inhalation.
Mosquitoes. Moths.
I've determined I'd much rather read
about nature than experience it.
Guess you were never a Girl Scout.
I had a brief stint in the Brownies.
They kicked me out because I said
selling cookies was misogynist.
They kicked Mike out of Boy Scouts
for eating a pair of socks.
He took a game of Truth or Dare too far.
Truth or Dare is a dangerous game.
You wanna play?
Because Walter, Walter, listen.
They are highballing the valuation.
The IP will flatline.
This is not a blue chip.
This is a barely liquid piece
of undercapitalized Dutch horseshit.
There's blood in the water,
and the boys with the fins can smell it.
This is survival of the fittest.
Sink or swim, Walter.
Walter?
Oh, shit.
Walter?
Shit.
God.
All right, Buck, you bastard.
We're taking a selfie.
You son of a bitch.
One, two, three, buddy. One, two, three.
You Eagle Scouts
sure make amazing S'more.
Just a minute,
I have chocolate on my face.
- Wash it down.
- I'm a lightweight.
Truth or Dare?
Truth.
Why did you get discharged?
When we were kids, we used
to play war in the woods.
We'd run around with our little plastic
guns and hide behind the pine trees.
You'd get one point each
for every kid that you killed.
And I killed every kid
in the neighborhood.
They'd all fall down and play dead.
The forest floor would be covered with all
these little bodies laying in the mulch.
Till dinner time.
Then they all got up and went home.
Game over.
Truth or Dare?
Truth.
When's the last time
you and Mike made love?
Sorry...
- I didn't make it to the wedding.
- It wasn't your fault.
Besides, the chocolate
fountain malfunctioned.
You didn't miss much.
Mike sent me photos.
Of you and the dress.
You looked beautiful.
I looked blotchy.
Irish skin.
Mike's a lucky man
to find a woman like you.
You got chocolate on your face.
It's getting late.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Put this pooch on a leash, please.
Let's hit the hay, little lady.
Mike?
Mike?
Wake up.
Mike, wake up.
Where the hell's the tent?
Somebody must have cut it.
Wait. What's that?
- Where's our stuff?
- I don't...
- Where's Sean?
- I... don't...
- Gone. Everything's gone.
- Shit.
Sean?
Sean! Sean!
Our shoes are gone.
- Someone took our shoes.
- Of course.
Of course he picked this weekend
to go totally PTSD on me.
Why would Sean steal our stuff?
Because he stopped taking his meds?
Because he's gonna become
a hermit and live off the grid?
Because he's jealous of me... of us?
I don't know, Wit.
I don't know why he did it.
And I definitely don't know
what he's gonna do next.
How do we know it was him?
- Who else could it be?
- They came from the east.
Down the declivity, right past me.
They cut to the left of the fire...
right here. They took all our stuff.
They cut your tent,
went off to the west over here.
And where exactly were you
when this was happening?
- I was sleeping.
- You must sleep pretty goddamn deep.
I drank a fifth of whiskey.
Are you telling me that somebody came,
and they took our tent, took our food,
took our water, and drew X's on our heads,
and you didn't hear or see a fucking thing?
- Neither did you.
- Neither did I. I had my headphones on.
Sean. Buddy. Remember
when we were in high school,
and we were drinking Wild Turkey,
and I woke up wearing women's underwear?
If this is your idea of a practical joke,
it really isn't funny.
It might've been funny when you were drunk
and you decided to fuck with us, but...
this is not funny. I'm hot, I'm hung over,
and I'm not in the mood to fuck around.
Where's the stuff, Sean?
Where's my cell phone? Seriously.
I have e-mails I have to send,
I have conference calls I have to make.
- Where is my cell phone? I need it?
- Calm down.
Don't tell me to calm down.
Sean, where's my phone?
- They must have taken it.
- Who is they? What... who is they?
There was three of them, Mike.
Three sets of prints that aren't ours.
You could have made the tracks yourself.
You could have put the X on your head.
- This could all be part of your little game.
- It's not a game, Michael.
They took our guns.
The knives. They took my dog.
- Maybe your dog just ran away.
- He didn't, okay?
It doesn't make sense.
Sean, who would take our stuff?
Let's not stick around
to find out, okay?
Let's just get out of here
and get back to the car.
- Come on, let's go.
- It's okay. I can hotwire the car.
Well, how do we find the car if we didn't
take the trails and we don't have a map?
The sun's our map.
I really don't wanna step on a snake.
I think I just stepped in poison oak.
- It has to be 100 degrees.
- I'm considering drinking my own sweat.
It was nice of them to steal
our entire water supply.
Them? Or him.
I don't think he's taking us
back to the car.
Where would he be taking us?
Just stay close to me.
Okay. Keep heading east.
When you get to the spray paint
compass point,
it's gonna be three miles
past that to the east.
You guys want to get there by sundown,
you need to keep going.
- Are you not coming with us?
- No. I'm not.
I'm not gonna leave Buck behind, Mike.
I'm not gonna leave my dog.
So you want us to leave you behind.
Yeah, I'm gonna be fine. You guys keep
going. Just get going. Take that path.
- That path is not the path we took before.
- Take my word for it, Mike.
I'm not taking directions from you.
Okay, compadre?
You're not exactly in the right mindset
to be giving turn-by-turn navigation.
Can we just think about this
for a second?
I think he's sending us
in the wrong direction.
- Let's just think about it.
- He's sending us deeper into the woods.
He's your brother. We have to trust him.
Wait, are you telling me that you actually
believe my brother's little theory?
That there's some totally
random backwoods...
constitutional extremist
just randomly fucking with us?
Because I believe that my brother
is suffering a psychotic breakdown,
- and that's why he stole our goddamn gear.
- I didn't steal the gear.
Well, I don't believe you.
Come on, Wit. Let's go.
Wit, come on. I said let's go.
Are we taking sides here? Is that's
what's happening? Is that what's going on?
Don't think that I don't see
what's happening here.
Have you seen the way that he...
he keeps looking at you,
the way that he keeps touching you?
What is going on?
I saw you last night!
I saw my brother touching your face.
- What is happening?
- Mike.
The campfire, the moonlight,
looked like a real tender moment to me.
I've been trying to tell you.
Trying to tell me what, Wit?
That you want to fuck my brother?
- Sean, do you want to fuck my wife?
- Fuck you.
- Mike, stop.
- I'm pregnant.
Mike!
I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna go find my dog.
How long have you known?
Last week.
Kept retaking the test.
Took me 10 times peeing on the stick
before I believed it.
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
I didn't wanna tell you over e-mail.
Seemed a little informal.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Just wait, I...
I'm sorry.
I am... so sorry.
I should have been there.
But I'm here.
Now. For you. For us.
You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.
But this...
This is even better.
Let's go home.
- Where the hell is the spray paint?
- Sean said it was east.
Yeah, well, Sean's a little
dissociative right now.
Wait... that's it.
That's it. That's it.
Good job.
So, east.
Wait.
We're lost.
Sean!
Fuck!
Hey!
You killed my dog. Now I kill you.
Okay.
Okay, down, yeah.
- All right, you all right?
- Yeah.
Esther.
- Elvina.
- Yeah.
Elwina?
- Mildred, Mildred.
- Those are grandmother names.
Okay, how about...
Mitch, Chuck. Hank.
No, those are baseball player names.
- Yeah.
- Besides,
how do you even know we're having a boy?
Just a feeling.
I feel nauseous.
Here. Sit down.
Sit down.
Take a... a deep breath.
Careful, pregnant women
are prone to projectile vomit.
Oh, really?
Are they prone to...
- pickle eating, is that a thing?
- No. No pickles. Not right now.
All right, just breathe.
- Please tell me that's not a mirage.
- What?
Water!
What is that?
Wait.
Mike.
Mike!
It's disconnected!
Try another channel.
Hello, is anyone...
We're at the forest preservation...
inside the ranger station.
We need medical assistance.
This is an emergency.
Static.
Fuck! Fuck!
Okay.
- You severed tendons.
- Jesus.
I have to disinfect the wound.
We have to find a way out of here.
This is the lake. And...
these are the trails.
We can't take the trails.
He's expecting us to take the trails.
We have to take the long way.
- We have to climb that cliff.
- There's no way.
- It's the only way.
- Your foot is broken.
The cartilage is torn.
You're not scaling rocks.
No. You are.
You have to find the car, Wit.
Find help.
- We don't have the keys.
- The steering panel pulls apart.
The red wire is the starter.
The brown wire's the piston.
- Just make the wires make a spark.
- I can't hotwire a car.
I can't climb a cliff.
I can't do this alone, Mike.
You're not.
You're not.
How can this be happening?
This weekend totally sucks.
- Yeah.
- I suck.
I promise, first thing that we'll do
when we get home
is we'll put my phone in the microwave.
It'll explode like fireworks
while we make love on the kitchen floor.
- I'm gonna be a good husband.
- You're gonna be a good dad.
You're gonna be a great dad.
- I'm not good with diapers.
- You'll be fine.
All right, listen...
I'm gonna walk out the door,
and I'm gonna get him to follow me, okay?
You're gonna sneak out the window,
and when he starts to chase me,
- you're gonna run the other way.
- No, I'm not leaving without you.
- No, I... I'll be right behind you.
- We have to stay together! No!
Listen to me, listen to me. Take this.
- Take this.
- I'm not going without you.
I will be right behind you.
Listen to me. Take these.
I will meet you at the car.
- Okay? I love you.
- I love you. I love you.
- I love you, I love you.
- I love you.
Where are you?
You wanna play? Let's play.
Hey, Mike.
Mike, I made it. I'm over the cliff.
Mike?
Do you remember our wedding day?
Mike, where are you?
Do you remember we were dancing
on the dance floor to that horrible DJ?
Remember how mad you were at me because
I kept taking videos on my cell phone?
I wanted to take videos because...
I wanted our children to see...
how amazing their mother was...
on that night,
in that dress.
You looked beautiful.
I looked blotchy. Irish skin.
Wit, listen to me.
They're going to find you,
and they're going to kill you.
Unless you kill them first.
Kill...
them...
all.
Mike?
Mike? Please tell me where you are.
Tell me you're okay.
I'm fine, I just need
to take a little nap.
Mike, listen...
you're going into hypovolemic shock.
You need to apply pressure
to stop the hemorrhaging.
I'm just a little tired.
- Mike, please.
- I just need to close my eyes.
Don't, Mike. Don't leave me.
My mother used to sing us lullabies.
The Neary family
is notoriously tone-deaf.
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
To see what he could see
To see what he could see
To see what he could see
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
To see what he could...
Well, hey there, little kiddie.
And welcome to the Little Kiddie Museum.
I'm Ranger Rowdy,
and I'll be your tour guide today
to the wonderful forest
filled with the wonderful animals
we've come to call friends.
Let's get started. What do you say?
Here at the County Forest Preservation,
the state's largest nature preserve,
wildlife feels free to run wild.
The animals kingdom
is filled with different species.
Do you know that some birds of prey
like falcons and owls
can see in the dark?
How cool is that nature, kids?
Remember, little kids, the animal kingdom
is not always a nice place.
Some animals are predators,
some animals are prey.
Out there in the wild,
it's survival of the fittest.
America is bountied with beautiful
and varied species...
...we must protect Mother Nature...
..for the birds and the bears,
this is home.
Mi casa es su casa, kiddies.
Hi, Mom. Yeah, I was just about
to call you.
Yeah... no...
I'm good. Yeah.
I know I have soccer practice.
I'll be home in, like, a couple hours.
Because, Mom, Dad was supposed
to give me a ride home from work,
and now I have to ride my bike, so...
yeah, I'm gonna be a little late.
No, I know. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you worry.
I'm fine. I'm totally fine.
Yeah. Yeah. I know.
I'm just... hanging out with my friends.
Yeah. I'll see you at home soon.
I love you, too.
The bear went over the...
mountain
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
To see what he could see
To see what he could see
To see what he could see
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
To see what he could see
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
To see what he could see
To see what he could see
To see what he could see
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain
To see what he could...