Junior, this is kind of a sentimental moment.
Cold River is where I was born and raised.
Everyone I know is here.
Got fond memories of this place.
Fond memories? What are you talking about?
Everybody hated you. Your father, your wife,
those horrible neighbours...
You're right. Let's blow this joint!
Yah! Whoo-ha!
When the pressure's on and you're all alone
Take a little ride into the danger zone
When the moon is high
And the skies are clear
Just show me a sign and we'll be outta here
Take me up on a wing and a prayer...
Look.
If you need a friend, you know...
I'll be there
Hound dogs howlin' all through the night
Eight miles high and I'm doin' all right
Better move over
'Cause you're goin' too slow
I feel the need for freedom
Now it's time to go
It's a fine line between pleasure and pain
Let your conscience be your guide
Till we meet again
Your time has come
You can stand or you can run
But don't keep it all inside
'Cause you gotta understand
That there ain't no second chance
No one gets outta here alive
Only the strong survive...
We're finally here.
Take me up on a wing and a prayer
If you need someone, you know...
I'll be there
Your time has come
You can stand or you can run
But don't keep it all inside
'Cause you gotta understand
That there ain't no second chance
No one gets outta here alive
Only the strong survive...
Only the strong survive...
- Is it the one with the yellow roof?
- No.
- Is it the one with the purple flowers?
- No.
The one with the "Sold" sign in the yard?
Bingo!
Only the strong survive
Dad, come on. Let's go. Quick!
Oh, my God!
- Look at that hunk.
- Hubba hubba.
And the realtor says he's single.
Single?!
- What do you think, Junior?
- Great.
Come on! Quick, Dad!
Whoa! Totally awesome!
- Radical!
- You like it?
Wow! It's fantastic!
Wait till you see your bedroom.
Yee-ha!
- Home, sweet home!
- Yeah, that's right!
This place is gigantic.
You could play football in here.
- Hit me, I'm open.
- Here's the bomb. OK...
So here we are, starting our new life.
It's nice having a guy who loves me.
Usually, people take one look
and run screaming for the hills.
You know, I think me and Dad
are gonna do all right together.
Should I spike you?
No, it's illegal to spike kids.
Come here, buddy.
It's just you and me, Junior.
Hang on a second.
Somebody's at the door.
Hi, I wanted to welcome you
to our little neighbourhood
so I baked you a...
.. cherry pie.
That's so sweet. Look, Junior.
She baked us a cherry pie.
How thoughtful.
All right! First and ten!
Junior! What are you doing?
I want you to apologise to this kind lady.
Oh! You're even better-looking up close.
Excuse me.
What?!
- Dad, what about football?
- Thank you.
We can play later. Don't you want
to meet these wonderful ladies?
Out of the way, girls!
Oh, thank God! Another man!
Another Joe I can talk to.
I'm going crazy living here.
You know, Mortville.
The divorcee capital of the world.
Anyway, we're having a barbecue. So I
thought I'd be neighbourly and invite you over.
I'm Aron Burger, I live next door.
My name is Ben Healy
and this is my son, Junior.
Funny-looking kid.
Anyway, we'll take this with us.
Well, neighbour,
what do you think of my cooker?
- Very... large.
- You bet.
Cost me a whole month's paycheck,
but it's worth it.
You're not impressed.
I guess your wife does the cooking.
No, I'm... not married, actually.
We... broke up.
And you got the kid? Bad deal!
Did you get screwed!
This neighbourhood has a move-in fee.
You have to give each of us ten dollars.
20 bucks?! I'm not giving you diddly-squat.
Pay us or leave!
And with a 50-1 chick to stud ratio
in this town, you gotta get started.
Dad, can we go?
These people are real dicks.
Well, excuse me, Your Highness.
I didn't realise that simple little me
and my simple little family
weren't good enough
for your high and mighty tastes.
Hey, I should go and slip on my silk tuxedo
and then we can trot out
the champagne and the escargots.
Junior. Try to be polite. We're his guests.
OK, Dad.
- I'm sorry about that.
- It's all right.
We've taken a long trip
and he's just a little tired.
My girls are the same way. Brats.
Healy, go make yourself useful.
Get some more barbecue sauce
from the little woman.
Barbecue sauce. Sure thing, neighbour.
Here's to the start of a beautiful meal.
Damn.
This one's not getting away.
Gotcha!
- My first day of school.
- I'm so proud of you.
You're such a good girl.
Junior, get out of this car.
You are going to school!
No way! I'd rather eat a turd.
Junior,
third grade is the foundation
of a great education.
If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
I'll take a couple others down with me.
Junior,
I am your father and you'll do as I say!
Now, come on.
Now look what you've done.
Get over here.
Take this. Goodbye and good luck.
It's his first day, he's a little nervous.
It's him.
Yes, changing careers
was the smartest thing I ever did.
Yes, oh, yeah!
Because I love being the principal.
Because I hate children. I hate them.
Being a principal's great,
'cause I hate children.
I bark, they do what I say.
Anything. Crawl around
on all fours. They do that.
Would you mind jumping out of the window?
OK, sure.
Out they go. Anything.
Principal Peabody,
there's a new student to see you.
I'll have to call you back.
I have to deal with
one of the little weenies right now.
OK, call you back.
Send the little sweetheart in.
Hey, pea-brain. What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
I belong here. You belong in Cold River.
This is Mortville. What are you doing here?
You're not here. That's it.
That's the only answer. You're not here.
You're not here. I'm imagining you.
You're a figment of my imagination.
If I was a figment of your imagination,
could I do this?
Oh!
Did something crawl in here and die?!
You disgusting kid!
You disgusting, flatulating kid!
Whoa! I just had a new paint job, too.
This is horrible.
- What grade are you in?
- Third.
Third. That means you're here
for another four years.
This is a mistake. This is a big mistake,
'cause you are a genius.
You are so intelligent.
Anyone who can break wind like that
has to have a mind.
So I'm gonna pass you on to the sixth grade.
In one year,
you're gonna be in another school.
My dad says third grade
is the foundation of my education.
Your dad says that. Your dad is a moron!
He's a moron!
Know what a moron is?
That's what your dad is.
Anyway, you don't belong here.
You belong in the sixth grade.
That's where you are,
because you're a genius, kid.
A genius.
Sixth grade? I Wowl
I should fart in more people's offices.
Oh, no, not another one. How many kids
are they gonna make me teach?
Get in there and find a seat. Hustle, small fry.
I'm not gonna have you
hold up my class all year. Move it.
Let's start with a nice easy review
to see how much you under-achievers
remember from last year.
Polly, what's 17 times 8?
- 136.
- Good.
Richard, what's 72 divided by negative 9?
- Negative 8, sir.
- Fine.
Murph.
Murph. What's three plus two?
Four.
You've been in the sixth grade
since I started here.
I really want to get you out this year.
Please work with me. What's three plus two?
Nine?
This is gonna be a long year.
Five, all right? The answer's five.
You!
- What are you saying?
- I said five.
I'm glad somebody's paying attention.
Polly, pass out the workbooks.
I'm gonna rummage in the storage closet,
see if I can find something for Murph.
Who let the baby into the sixth grade?
What's in your bag?
- Your diapers?
- No, my lunch, pin-head.
Little kid doesn't know who he's talking to.
I'm senior student in this school.
No shit, you've been here since 1970.
Oh, you're gonna hurt!
This is your last day of school. Ever.
Maybe Dad's right. Maybe Mortville
is gonna be a great place to live.
Good morning, Miss Dumore.
They missed a payment?
Toss 'em in the street.
But, ma'am, that's a nursing home.
They're invalids.
Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.
Are we all set for that charity ball?
Your tickets are confirmed, but Sergio
says he needs money for a new tux.
More money?
I gave him two grand yesterday.
These damned gigolos.
Every man in Mortville
wants to bleed me dry.
Why can't I just find a good, decent man?
One with integrity, one with compassion,
one with...
Oh, my God! Who's that beefcake?
I'm Ben Healy, we spoke on the phone.
I don't know. I suppose
he's a customer at the bank.
Out of my way, fat boy.
That's why I wanna start my own business.
I wanna create something out of nothing.
I don't just wanna take. I wanna give.
I wanna put something
back into the community.
He's incredible. And he's just my type.
Smith, I want you to find out
everything about this guy.
Because I think I've found myself
hubby number seven!
Hi.
- Hey, Junior!
- Hey, Dad!
So, tell me, how was your first day at school?
Pretty good, they skipped me three grades.
They skipped you?
That's fantastic! I can't believe it!
I told you you'd hit if off here.
So, tell me. Did you make any new friends?
Well, how would you define
the word "friend"?
- Aah!
- Uh!
Ow.
Who are you?
I'm Annie Young. I'm the nurse
here at Mortville Elementary.
The children are very lucky.
- I'm sorry. Let me...
- It's OK.
Oh, God. Excuse me. Here, I'll get...
If you two are done fooling around,
maybe we can go home?
Yeah...
Give me a few minutes, Junior.
I think the swelling's coming back.
I'll put a warm compress on that.
You're such a good little soldier.
"Give me a few minutes, Junior. "
"Give me a few minutes, Junior. "
I've been here for an hour!
Who does that nurse think she is?
Mm...
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Oh, it's you. Buzz off.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
If I were you, I wouldn't do a lot of things.
Like go out in public.
Next time, you'll listen to me.
Oh, my God, he's an Adonis!
Look at these stats!
Six feet tall.
185 pounds.
In-seam, 35 inches.
Sweet Jesus, take me home!
What's this thing?
His son.
"Boy and convicted killer go on joyride"?
"Little league team hospitalised"?
"Union Carbide plant explodes"?
This kid's a nightmare.
Do you want to forget the whole thing?
Smith...
When someone has a bum leg,
you don't shoot the patient.
You just cut off the leg.
That's why you want a franchise. Big Ben is
the fastest-growing sports equipment empire.
Hey, it's Big Ben.
Pick up that phone and call now.
For just $399,
you can get one of my starter kits.
Then you'll be on your way to having it all,
just like me, Big Ben Healy.
What's this?
Look at this. What sort of idiot
would send Grandpa money?
That's my namel
- The old man's finally lost his mind.
- Uh-huh.
- Come downstairs. I got a surprise for you.
- All right! A surprise?
- Where is it?
- Down the steps.
Now, where is that surprise?
- Surprise!
- Hi, Junior!
I'm Rhoda, your babysitter.
We're gonna be good friends.
Dad, let's slow this down a minute.
Now, what is going on here?
This is Rhoda, your babysitter.
You're gonna be good friends.
Yeah, I heard that part. But why?
Yoo-hoo!
Because I'm going out on a date.
Hi, Ben. I'm all ready.
Great. Junior, you remember
Debbie Claukinski?
How can I forget? Her pie gave us the runs.
That's not true.
He's thinking about someone else's pie.
Anyway, we don't want to be late.
I got reservations at the Saint Pierre Club.
Oh, I'm so excited! My ex-husband
never took me to fancy places.
Not that I'm a gal who rattles on about her
last marriage. That guy is insanely jealous.
Dad, stay here and have fun with me.
Junior, you're gonna have fun with Rhoda.
I'm sure you can think of a lot of fun games
to play with her, OK? I'll talk to you later.
Welcome to the wonderful world of pigs.
Dirty, hungry and always horny,
they're Mother Nature's
clowns of the farm world.
Watching these charming critters
roll in the mud,
it's hard to believe they have an intelligence
as high as some humans.
But it's true.
Goodnight, Dad.
Hey, brat. Put that back. I'm watching.
This babysitter sucks.
I gotta get Dad back on track here.
I wonder whatever happened
to Mr Claukinski?
Hello?
Are you the guy that was married
to Debbie Claukinski?
Yeah, but then she left me.
She took my house, my money and my pride.
Well, I thought you'd like to know
that she found herself a new guy
and they're out at the Saint Pierre Club,
having fun at your expense.
Who is this?
Just call me a friend.
Ben, this evening is perfect.
I know why the Mortville Gazette gave
this restaurant three and a half forks.
- Excuse me, we have a dress code.
- Let me in, you fool.
To us.
Tonight.
Ah-ha!
Debbie, you tramp! What are you doing here?
I'm a free woman. I can do what I want.
I show you.
Debbie, you leave with me.
Come, we take the bus home.
Like hell I will. I'm on a date.
You home-breaker!
Oh, my kidney!
You bully!
Ben, shame on you!
Laser cannon locked on.
Fire laser cannon.
Finally, Dad's home.
- I thought you'd never get here.
- Who's that weirdo?
- Gee, baby, you work fast.
- I got Russian hands and Roman fingers.
Now where's that master bedroom?
Here it is, darlin'!
- This ain't no motel.
- Mind your own beeswax, twerp. Go watch TV.
Yeah, what she said.
Voytek, you were always the best.
Yeah.
So much for my first date.
Now what?
All right!
Yeah... go!
Yes! That's great!
Look at that.
I didn't think people could do that.
She ain't no real blonde.
Come on!
Keep it up, my God!
- He's still going!
- Unbelievable.
Yeah, go for it!
Healy, that's hot stuff.
Junior, we're new here in this community.
Can't we at least attempt to fit in?
Why are you getting angry at me?
I didn't do it, I watched it.
Yes, and so did the entire neighbourhood.
I didn't hear any complaints.
Great. The evening that wouldn't die.
What?
There's two more outside.
- Dad, what are you doing here?
- I thought I'd spend my vacation with you.
- Excuse me?
- How did he find us?
You rascal. I even brought Nippy.
Hey, boy. Come here, Nip.
Get this freak off me! Get!
Don't scare him, for God's sakes.
He's only trying to be friendly.
- You know this dog is unbalanced.
- Get him out of here.
Nippy, stay.
What is going on here?
You never take vacations, and if you did
you wouldn't spend them with me.
Little Ben.
Little Ben, you're my only son.
- Dad, you hate me.
- OK, you figured me out.
- I'm not on vacation, I'm broke.
- You're what?
Chapter 11, my S and L crashed,
my creditors are after me.
- I gotta find a place to hide out.
- Why don't you hide out somewhere else?
Why don't you mind your own business?
Nobody asked you.
Wait, you can't be broke, we saw you on TV.
That was a big rip-off.
There were no franchises.
Hell, I only sold one starter kit.
I gotta find a place to lay low until
this whole godforsaken thing blows over.
Come on, Little Ben.
Do your old man a favour.
All those years I spent
putting a roof over your head.
I even bribed that dean
to keep you in college, remember?
You know something? You owe me.
This room is a little small.
Well, it's all we've got.
You can sleep in one of the bunk-beds.
Or you can leave.
No, it'll do.
But I get the top bunk.
Finally!
Some educators
underestimate the value of civics,
but I say, for the growing mind,
there's nothing more important
than pride in your city.
This is Highway 39.
This is the Mortville Steel Mill.
And this is Mortville's very own Love Rock.
When the Dumore family settled this region,
they stole it from the Indians.
The Indians claim the rock has magic powers.
What kind of magic?
I don't know. Love magic, I guess.
You make a wish and it comes true,
at least that's what they tell the tourists.
Can I get a drink of water?
Yes, you may, but hurry back.
I've got a great slide
of the Rotary Club coming straight up.
Hey, pumpkin-head.
You're gonna wish you never said that.
Oh, yeah?
So, what exactly happened?
I was using the fire hose.
Aha. And why were you doing this?
I told you, a fire had broken out
and I was trying to save the school.
Junior, what happened?
Your son saved the school. He put out a fire.
Did anyone ask him how it started? Because...
- I'm so sorry, that's very clumsy of me.
- That's OK.
Listen...
If Junior seems a little troublesome lately,
I wouldn't worry about it.
He really hasn't made any friends here yet
so he's probably a little insecure.
Boy, you really know kids.
Junior and I were gonna get dinner later
and I thought maybe if you didn't have
any plans that you'd... care to join us.
No, I can't.
Oh, well...
Maybe you and I
could do something Friday night?
I'd like to, but no.
- Saturday?
- No, not any night.
- I've got a problem.
- Excuse me?
- I can't go out with anyone.
- What if we just had dinner...
Dad! Didn't you hear the lady?
She's got a problem.
- Quit buggin' her and let's get out of here.
- Well, I... We'd better go.
Anyway, it was nice talking to you,
Miss Young.
Annie.
It was nice talking to you, too, Ben.
And Junior.
"Can we go out on Friday night?
On Saturday night?"
"How about Sunday night?"
What's Dad's problem?
Doesn't he have any pride?
Lemonade! Fresh-squeezed lemonade!
Lemonade! Fresh-squeezed lemonade!
I'll have some lemonade.
Certainly, that'll be two dollars.
I've only got a quarter.
Then I guess you're going thirsty, loser.
Dolly, there's no more lemonade.
Go back and fill it up.
I'm not gonna fill it up. Why don't you fill it up?
I'm not gonna fill it up. Why don't you fill it up?
Junior, why don't you go back and fill it up?
If you do the work,
we might give you a free glass.
OK. I'll go fill it up.
There you go, friends.
You only filled it halfway.
I tried my best.
That's not good enough.
For that, you don't get your free glass.
That's OK by me.
Lemonade! Fresh-squeezed lemonade!
Boy, oh, boy. It sure is hot.
I'm workin' up quite a sweat out here.
Dolly, Madison, how about
a glass of lemonade, huh?
Certainly. That'll be two dollars.
Two dollars?
For a glass of lemonade? For me?
Friggin' brats.
Two dollars.
All right, here you go.
Tangy.
Dad, what do you want for dinner?
- Macaroni and cheese or fish sticks?
- I'd love to have the fish sticks.
- But I got other plans.
- But I was making us dinner.
I can see that, but I'm going out
with Emily from down the street.
Am I gonna get another babysitter?
No, don't be silly. No more babysitters for you.
We got something better, Grandpa.
Stick him, stick him.
They don't make fighters like they used to.
No more. Nobody's hungry any more.
See?
Dad, don't go out on another date.
You already had one.
It didn't work out. How can I find us
a new mom if I don't keep looking?
We don't need a new mom. Things were great
when it was just you and me.
I mean, we already got stuck with him.
Junior, I am going out on a date tonight, OK?
I'm gonna get cleaned up.
Let me know if you hear the doorbell.
Don't worry. You'll hear it.
I never met a girl who makes me feel
The way that you do
You're all right
Whenever I'm asked
Who makes my dreams real
I say that you do
You're outta sight
So, fee-fi-fo-fum
Look out, baby, 'cause here I come
And I'm bringing you a love that's true
So get ready
So get ready
I'm gonna try and make you love me too
So get ready
So get ready
'Cause here I come
Get ready
'Cause here I come
I'm on my way
OK, girls.
We've got work to do.
- Argh!
- Ben.
I'm sorry, I'm suddenly not feeling very well.
I think I just caught that flu
that's been going around.
OK?
So the little monster
screwed you over again, huh?
Maybe I was too strong with him.
Ever since I started dating these women,
he's become so insecure.
Insecure?
Little Ben, he's paranoid, he's jealous.
And he is dangerous.
What are you saying?
I'm saying leave him
by the side of the road and run.
That's a cop-out.
The boy wants to know he's loved.
I'm sure if I devote more time to him,
he'll be better.
Finally, Dad gets the point. Goodbye, ladiesl
Hey, dog-face.
I knew you'd look!
No running in the hall!
Oh, darn!
Na-na-na-na-na.
You can't come in here!
The bitch must diel
Oh, shoot. She tricked me again.
I wish I had half the brains she does.
Well, there's always tomorrow.
That guy's pathetic.
You're gonna wish you'd never been born.
Ooh, I'm really scared! I'm being
threatened by the Ty-D-Bowl Girl.
Now, why have you been bugging me?
I'll bug whoever I want. This is my school.
- Says who?
- Me and my M-80.
You're insane.
Let's get out of here!
Just outta school
Like I'm real real cool
Gotta dance like a fool
Got the message that I gotta be
A wild one...
Out of my way!
I can't hold this one until recess.
This is gonna feel so good.
Clearance sale! Big clearance sale!
Well, well, well, what have we got here?
You girls selling your daddy's old clothes?
Look at this!
A silk shirt for a dime.
And a suit for a quarter?
I had one like this. I paid two grand for it.
Wait a minute. Wait a...
Nippy.
What the hell are you doing here?
They're selling you for a nickel?
You little crooks. Where'd you get this stuff?
We have wholesalers.
The hell you do. This is all mine.
No, it's not. Junior sold us
the whole package for ten dollars.
He did, did he? Well, we'll see about that.
Finally I get some room in here.
You little psycho.
This time you've gone too far.
- Shut your trap!
- You're an evil boy.
You've gotta learn to respect your elders.
If your old man won't teach you
some manners, by God, I will.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
My ass!
Hey, buddy, you ready to go?
Sure, but where?
It's a surprise. I got a fun day planned.
All right, let's go!
Junior, have you seen your grandfather lately?
Last time I saw him, he was going out.
Ben!
Little Ben!
Help, Little Ben! Help me!
Whoa...
Benjamin Healy.
Time to meet your future.
Help me!
- Help me!
- What is that man doing?
I'm Big Ben Healy. I live here.
You live in that tree?
- Maybe he's Ben Healy's father.
- Shut up. I knew that.
Now move it. Get him down from there.
Hooray!
- All right!
- Hey, Junior, this is for you.
- Thanks, Dad!
- You're welcome.
This is great. First it's a water park,
then a ball game, and now it's a carnival.
I just realised you and I haven't been
spending enough time together.
Dad, I'm glad it's just you and me.
Wow! Look at that cool ride!
- Can I go on it?
- Sure, that's why we're here.
This ride is overl
Whoa, slow down, dude.
You can't go on this ride.
- Why not?
- You gotta be as tall as the tentacle.
But it's only a millimetre.
Get outta here, you're holding up my line.
Thanks a lot.
I'm sorry, Junior. Maybe next year.
Look. You wanna go on the Munchkin Ride?
No Munchkin Ride. OK.
A candy apple?
Would you like a candy apple?
I'll be right back.
The little baby couldn't get on the ride?
What's the matter? They afraid
you'd go pee-pee in your diapers?
Hey, you little creep!
Hey, shrimp.
It must be tough being a little shrimpo.
Ticket.
So, are you ready for fun?
Yeah!
You better hang on tight,
because you're about to experience
the Crazy Dancel
This is pansy speed!
Come on, pump it up, pump it up!
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah... Yeah!
I'm gonna puke!
I'm gonna barf!
Please, no.
Why do you do these things to me?
I thought we moved here to start over.
People told me you were a problem child.
I said they were wrong, I said
you just needed a chance to succeed.
We don't have a normal life, especially me.
I can't go out on a date
without something terrible happening.
Maybe you shouldn't go out.
Junior, just because I interact
with another human being
doesn't mean that I love you any less.
Can't you see that?
- Well, I suppose.
- All right, that's a start.
We can build on that.
I'll make you a deal.
I promise you that
I'll always be there for you.
But you've gotta promise
to be good from now on.
- OK, I promise.
- That's a little too fast. Think about it.
It's not just an empty promise.
This is a pact between you and me
to regain some of the trust
we used to have, OK?
So what do you say? Are you gonna improve
so I can be right when I brag to my friends
and tell them I got
the greatest kid that ever was?
Sure.
I'll be better.
Thataboy.
What happened to our house?
Surprise!
- Dad, what have you done?
- Nothing.
The credit for this miracle
goes to one special lady.
Ta-raa...
- I don't understand.
- Is she a maid?
Yeah, made to order.
Benjamin, it's such a pleasure
to have new blood moving into our town.
On behalf of everyone at Dumore Bank,
Dumore Pharmaceuticals
and Dumore Strip Mining,
I just want to extend to you
this little ol' welcome.
I'm LaWanda Dumore.
You did all this because
I opened up a checking account?
You're a very special customer.
Oops!
- Oh, Junior...!
- That's all right, it's only dirt.
I'll have that up in a jiffy.
I'm sorry. Junior can be a little clumsy at times.
That's all right.
Without compassion and understanding,
what kind of world would we be living in?
Right, sweetie?
Just try to pull one stunt
and I'll cut you off at the knees
and bury you alive.
- She's an incredible woman.
- You haven't heard the best part.
She's worth $50 million.
I am so sorry,
I just completely lost track of the time.
I gotta run.
I got a meeting with some cockamamie
shareholder grievance committee.
But we should get together
for dinner real soon.
I could cook us up something special.
Well, sure. That would be nice, Miss Dumore.
Oh, no. LaWanda.
LaWanda.
Bye-bye!
Five oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh!
50 million!
LaWanda, it smells great in there.
Sure you don't need any help?
No, Benjamin.
You just stay down here and relax.
I'm taking care of everything.
OK.
I know I promised Dad
I wouldn't hurt LaWanda,
but I never said the dog couldn't.
You're falling into a trance.
Your eyes are getting heavy.
You can't move a muscle.
When you wake up,
you'll be thinking of one thing.
Destroy LaWanda.
She is your enemy.
She is like a cat, but uglier.
You want to bite her butt off
and scare her away,
so she'll never come back.
When I clap my hands,
you'll come out of the trance
and do whatever I say.
One,
two,
three.
One, two,
three.
Nippy?
Nippy? Hey, Nip, come on.
- Uh-oh! Nippy.
- Nippy!
Nippy, where are you?
- What have you been up to?
- None of your business.
- You're not my mother.
- You are a mean little boy.
Go up to your room and change your clothes.
I will not have an unkempt boy at my table.
Your table?
Get!
Clowns!
I hate clowns!
This woman is bustin' my balls!
Hey, guys,
what are you doing for dinner tonight?
I would like to make a toast to a terrific lady
who has made us feel so welcome
in our new town,
who's fixed up our house,
and cooked us this incredible feast.
- Hear, hear.
- To LaWanda.
- To LaWanda.
- To LaWanda.
That is so sweet.
I hope y'all enjoy this.
I had my staff compile their favourite recipes.
Well, I for one am famished, so let's eat.
What in the hell is in this salad?
It's blue cheese.
Oh, my God.
All right, come on! Get LaWanda!
This salad is infested!
Get it! Get it!
This is a plague!
LaWanda, I'm coming.
Junior, you failed me.
But, Dad, I swear, she hates me.
- We had a deal and you let me down.
- She's different from all the others.
LaWanda is bad.
Junior, you think all women are bad.
That woman has nothing but good intentions.
She made us dinner
and this is how you pay her back?
I am really disappointed in you.
I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Benjamin, I hope
you weren't too harsh on him.
- I think I've failed as a father.
- Oh, no, not at all.
There's only so much you can handle.
A father's good for some things, but you need
a mother for emotional guidance.
Values... Morality?
Perhaps I should talk to the boy?
- Well, yeah. That might be...
- Good.
Listen here, you little monster.
I am mightier than you are.
And I always get what I want, so back off.
Because whether you like it or not,
I am gonna marry your daddy.
And when I do, you'll be
on the first plane to boarding school,
in Baghdad.
Dad, you gotta believe me.
She said Baghdad.
Forget it, you have no credibility any more.
Let's see if we can get through
this evening like a normal family,
without anything bizarre happening. OK?
Come on.
Come here, look at the chart.
I got 15 gold stars this semester.
- Do you have anything nice to show me?
- Sure, just the usual stuff.
There's my desk.
Here's my science project.
I'm innocentl I'm innocentl
There's my teacher, Mr Thorn.
Mom, this is Mr Thorn.
She's doing very well. Awfully good.
Attention, parents. Please take your seats
for tonight's special programme,
Salute to Democracy.
Because you know it's, like,
democracy and we're saluting it.
- Hello, Sam.
- Hello, Baldy.
Sure is great to see
all those parents out there tonight.
- It sure is.
- It's so sweet!
You can't do that to me!
What are you...?
Sorry about the delay, folks.
We're experiencing technical difficulties.
Yeah, I had to scratch my balls.
- Hey, I didn't know eagles had balls.
- Yeah, I'm a bald eagle.
Did you know I could fart
The Star-Spangled Banne?
- Really? OK...
- Junior, no!
- Who are you?
- Who the hell are you?
Trixie!
I can't leave you alone for 10 minutes.
Why did you do this?
But, Mom...
Those kids wouldn't let me
be part of the puppet show.
That's no excuse for...
Come on, we are going right now!
Great show, huh, Dad?
I was saving you a seat.
Annie...
Annie!
Nurse!
Hang on! Wait!
Look, Annie, will you wait?!
- I understand what you're going through.
- You couldn't possibly.
- I do, believe me. We could help each other.
- Just forget it.
Trixie consumes my entire life.
I don't have room for anything else.
Boy, that girl sure showed them.
Who would have thought that sweet nurse
would have such a crazy daughter?
What a mess. I have to get Junior a mother.
Annie would be perfect, she's smart
and sweet and pretty and loving.
It would be great to have
a nurse on call 24 hours a day.
On the other hand,
LaWanda will go out with me.
Oh, God, please let him marry that rich broad.
'Cause I really need the money.
I gotta get out of this house.
My son's a loser, my dog has vanished.
And that punk Junior's the devil come to life.
Nippy! You've come back!
And I thought you abandoned me.
I should have known better.
You'll always stand by my side, won't you?
You're my one true friend.
Nippy...?
Nippy, what the hell happened to you?
I'm losing my mind.
Junior's getting worse. We can't even
figure out what he did to that dog.
Benjamin, I'm gonna be blunt.
- Your child is in a state of emergency.
- I'm doing my best.
Benjamin, it is not your fault.
You're a fine man.
But one lone individual just cannot do this job.
Your child needs two parental figures.
- LaWanda...
- Yes?
I'd like to ask you a question.
- Junior...
- Hey, Dad, what's up?
I've got some family news for you.
- Is Big Ben moving out?
- No, I'm not talking...
Listen to me, this is important. I...
I've made a decision.
I'm going to marry LaWanda.
- But, Dad, she hates me!
- She doesn't hate... That's ridiculous.
She wants what's best for you.
She wants to make us a home.
But she's gonna destroy everything.
Three men living together in a house
is a mess. It's unnatural.
Plus, I feel she's a woman
of strong moral fibre.
She'll be a good influence over us,
especially you.
You're making a big mistake.
I am a grown-up
and I will do anything I wanna do.
And on Saturday
I'm going to marry LaWanda.
Benjamin, we got a jillion things to do.
Caterers, invitations and a one o'clock
appointment for a blood test.
I'll be right there.
Tell your grandpa I'll be back
in a couple of hours and then we'll talk.
We're from the animal control unit.
There's a local rabies scare.
- We're looking for any strange animals.
- Nippy's been acting a little funny lately.
- You better let us see him.
- OK.
- Not now.
- Come on.
- Here you go.
- What the hell happened here?
It sure ain't rabies.
Nippy's lost his spunk.
Can you do anything for him?
Maybe.
- What kind of diet's he been on?
- We just feed him table scraps.
Think we've found the problem.
Why don't you come with us?
A time like this,
there's only one thing you can count on.
- Chow Down.
- Chow Down?
That's right, sonny. Chow Down.
Now in three delicious flavours.
Beef, chicken and horse.
Rich, meaty flavour,
all simmered in a delicious home-style gravy.
Mmm...
What dog could resist?
Come and get it!
Wow! Look at him chow down.
You bet, and wait till you see
how shiny his coat gets.
Glad we could be of assistance.
Come on, pal. Let's get back to work.
What's in that little black box?
You don't wanna mess with that.
That's blood tests from a rabid dog.
Blood tests, huh?
Healy, Benjamin.
Looks fine to me.
And who's next? Dumore, LaWanda.
Again.
OK...
Wow!
Operator, give me the County Health
Department. This is an emergency.
- It's darling, LaWanda!
- My goodness!
Y'all are the best friends
a girl could ever have.
LaWanda, you're always
the most beautiful bride.
Excuse me, ma'am. Is Ms Dumore here?
Oh, my Lord! Somebody hired strippers.
You want me?
- Come and get me.
- She's already foaming at the mouth.
Better move fast.
- Here we go.
- You brutes are playing rough!
- What are you doing?
- We're from the County Board of Health.
- You have rabies.
- What?!
You cannot do this to me!
I am rich. I am powerful.
I do not have rabies!
LaWanda, how are you feeling?
How am I feeling?
How am I feeling? I'm tied to a bed!
Maybe this picture will cheer you up.
Maybe this is a little too much excitement
for LaWanda. Why don't we clear the room...
OK. Bye, LaWanda. Come on, Dad. Let's go.
No, sonny. Your dad means we should go.
All of us.
Give the lovebirds a chance to be alone.
This might cheer you up.
I'll put this over here.
I talked to Father Flanagan, and he said
there's no need to rush into these things.
We can push back the ceremony.
Benjamin, I do not like being patronised.
I don't care if we have to
roll this gurney down the aisle.
Tomorrow, we are getting married.
Big Ben's Sporting Goods
is embarking on a major expansion.
We're about to come into
a huge cash infusion.
I swear, you're important to me.
I've made my decision. When I die,
I want people to remember me.
And after tonight's plastic surgery,
I'm gonna be someone,
because I'm gonna have
the biggest nose in the world.
This place is awfully loud.
You sure you wanna eat here?
Of course. Pizza's my favourite food.
It is? Oh. Fine.
Hello. We'd like a table for...
- Annie?
- Ben?
Maybe I'm gettin' soft,
but I just had the craziest idea.
So then Dad dropped his pants on live TV
and he lost the election.
Here's a campaign picture.
What are you jerks doing here?
I was supposed to have dinner with my mom.
Quit yapping and let 'em have a good time.
Everybody smile
for your complimentary photograph.
Say "Pizzarrific!"
Smile for your complimentary photograph.
Oh, boy, baby! When you're with me,
it's first class all the way.
We went to the restaurant,
they let us in, we didn't have to wait.
It's not like the restaurants
where you talk into the clown face.
It's not like that at all. Later on,
we'll go home and I'll put on the Zorro outfit.
Well, here's to an evening we'll never forget.
- It's them!
- Who?
It's him and it's her and they're together.
He has this flatulence problem
and he's eating a pizza, and it's her...
Hey, it's Peabody.
I hate that guy. He's got such a grating voice.
Yeah. I'll shut him up.
Here, let me. Terrible kids, just terrible.
That's pretty good. Let me try.
You rotten kids,
you should be locked in cages!
You can't talk to them like that.
Screw you, pal!
I can talk about anybody however I want.
Yeah!
Two can play at this game!
- Let's get 'em!
- All right!
- Keep it moving, come on.
- Quit pushing, it wasn't our fault.
- I got hit on the head with an egg.
- You can never come back again.
- That's a big loss.
- Yeah, we said no olives.
Did everybody get enough to eat?
Annie, you look like you could
use some dessert. Right around here.
- Your dad's pretty funny.
- He takes after me.
Junior, I'm sorry I hit you with the fire hose.
That's OK. I'm sorry I made you barf
on the Crazy Dance.
I couldn't believe it...
.. right in your face!
You know, I think your dad likes my mom.
Normally when a guy does that,
I run him over or knock him downstairs.
I gotta look out for her.
But your dad, he doesn't bug me that much.
You know, your mom
doesn't bother me that much either.
Pals?
Pals.
My arms.
My arms are free!
Oh, my Lord.
What's wrong with my face?
What is this?
Oh... Oh!
I'm Pinocchio!
Good, you made it.
Why did you want me to come over so late?
- You know how you said you liked my dad?
- Yeah.
I have the weirdest idea.
I think our parents should get married.
What are you talking about?
Your dad's already taken.
Well, he might be having
a slight change of plans.
Oh, great. Big Ben's up.
Who are you? And you should be in bed,
resting up for tomorrow's wedding.
There ain't gonna be no wedding.
I made LaWanda so ugly,
no one's gonna wanna marry her.
LaWanda Dumore's the key
to my financial comeback.
And nobody, nobody,
is gonna stand in my way.
- Nippy, where'd you go?
- This guy's gonna be a problem.
No, he's not. Let's get him!
Yeah!
I'm really tired.
Come on, don't wuss out. This is
the only way to get our parents together.
Now come on!
Whoa! It's so much bigger
than it looked on Mr Thorn's slide.
So, how do you start this thing?
I don't know. Guess you just make a wish.
Mighty Love Rock,
we come to you today to ask a big favour.
We got two parents and we want them
to fall in love and get married
so I don't get stuck with that bitch LaWanda.
I hope this isn't asking too much,
but you're a magic rock
so you're probably used to these things.
Please help us.
Bye, Annie.
All right, Junior. Get up.
It's a big day. Today you get yourself a mom.
Has Junior ever run away before?
No, it's this wedding thing. It's got him upset.
I'm sorry he dragged Trixie into this.
Don't let Trixie off the hook. She's usually
responsible for her share of the action.
Junior can be
the biggest menace who ever lived.
Well, maybe he was a nuisance
in that little town you're from.
You're in Mortville
and around here Trixie runs the show.
She's an amateur. Nobody has caused
the amount of destruction Junior has.
I guess it's a stupid thing to argue about.
There they are.
Will you look at that?
Hey, guys. Good morning.
Hey, the Love Rock worked!
Up and at 'em, Junior, let's go. Attaboy.
So, do you need a ride home?
No, I think we're gonna take a little walk
and have a little talk.
Besides, you've probably
got millions of things to do today.
Yeah, I guess I do have plans.
So, see ya.
Typical, Little Ben.
You always wait till the last damn minute.
Dad, don't you wanna go see LaWanda?
There's a tradition. The groom
can't see the bride before the ceremony.
- But... but...
- But... but, my ass.
Beat it, we're busy.
Oh, nol If Dad doesn't see
LaWanda's big schnozz,
I'm screwed.
Miss Dumore!
- Are you all right?
- Dad, look at her face.
Hey, what happened?
Thought you had me licked, huh?
It's amazing what $382,000 worth
of last-minute double overtime
plastic surgery can do.
Benjamin, what's the hold-up?
Fine.
Come on, sit down, kid.
Hit it, padre.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered today,
on this day of joy,
to unite these two wonderful people.
No! Dad, don't do it!
Go for it, Little Ben. Make me proud!
We are gathered together
on this day of joy,
to unite you two wonderful p...
Who the hell is that?
That's my pal Trixie.
I hate children!
They ruin everything!
If I had enough power,
I'd wipe them off the face of the earth.
Junior!
Nippy! No!
No, Miss Dumore! No!
I command you to stop.
Trixie! You come down here
right this minute!
How many times have I told you
not to operate heavy machinery?
- Annie!
- Ben, I am so sorry.
I couldn't stop her.
We've ruined your whole wedding.
This wedding was meant to be ruined.
Annie, you're the one I want.
What?
- Yeah!
- We did it!
What the hell are you doing? You gotta
scrape your lovely bride off the ground.
Dad, I don't want to marry LaWanda.
I've found someone else.
Who cares? LaWanda Dumore
is a gold-mine. She's worth millions.
Dad, if you like her so much, you marry her.
Yeah. Why not?
Thanks, buddy.
Dad, I wouldn't have done it for anyone else.
Let me help you.
One... two... three...
Let me help you.
Not you, dummy.
Come on, there we go.
Get your mitts off me.
I hate your whole family.
Honey, come here. I'm not like them.
I'm different. I love you.
You said you love me?
Yeuch!
Yeah!
Nippy!
Oh, my God.