Well, I wake up in the mornin'
Each and everyday
And I sit down at the table
and I hear my daddy say
Life is nothin'
It's a nothin'
Life is nothin'
but a slap in the face
Life is nothin'
It's a nothin'
Life is nothin'
but a fat rat race
Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Every night I have a dream
That you're takin' off your dress
The only thing you're wearin'
is a button on your chest
And the button
it says nothin'
Life is nothin'
but a slap in the face
Life is nothin'
It's a nothin'
Life is nothin'
but a fat rat race
What is life
What is life
A rat race, a rat race
What is life
What is life
A rat race, a rat race
A rat race, a rat-rat race
Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah
It's a jungle out there
and I know I don't belong
So all night long
I just sing my stupid song
Get a body out
in the rat, in the race
Get a body out
in the rat, in the race
Get a body out in the rat
To the sound of the storm comin'
strictly from the B-A-H-A M-E-N
Life ain't nothin'
but a big rat race
Life ain't nothin'
but a big rat race
Life is nothin'
It's a nothin'
Life is nothin'
but a slap in the face
Life is nothin'
It's a nothin'
Life is nothin'
but a fat rat race
Hi. I'm checking out. 14322.
- Mr. Schaffer?
- That's me.
- I have your bill right here.
- Great. Thank you.
- How was your luck last night?
- I don't-- I didn't gamble.
I was here for a friend's bachelor
party. I guess he's the gambler.
What's this $110?
- Those are your in-room movies.
- I didn't watch any movies.
Okay, let's see. Afro Whores.
Afro Whores?
You watched it--
let's see-- 11 times.
Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores,
It says in the morning you watched
The Grinch for ten minutes...
and then switched back
over to Afro Whores.
I swear I didn't watch it.
I was at a bachelor party.
There were 35 people there.
You can ask any of them.
- Take that off my record.
- This is not a record, sir.
- It's a delete.
- How many times did you watch it?
None! I didn't watch it.
Are you sure? "Sizzling,
three-way, backdoor action...
featuring
two sexy soul sisters--"
I don't need to know what
it's about. I did not watch it.
I didn't.
Drove 500, and Chipper Jones
struck out in that key situation.
He's 0 for 5,
lost three straight games.
This month he has
a one-game winning streak.
Miss? Miss, can I have
another one of these, please?
Oh, sorry.
I thought you were a woman.
I am a woman.
You know, you look
kind of familiar.
Yeah, you do.
You know, I get that
all the time.
I guess I just have
one of those faces.
And now for our loser of the week.
This week it's a no-brainer.
Referee Owen Templeton made
the biggest bonehead call...
in the history of football.
It happened last Sunday at Dallas
with the score tied at 10.
They were headed towards overtime.
Everything was cool.
They were about to toss the coin
to see who would kick off.
- Dallas, call it in the air.
- Tails.
- That's heads.
- That was tails.
- No. It's--
- That was tails.
No-- Wait! Hang on!
It's-- Now, what did I say?
- Tails!
- It's tails.
- It's heads.
- What are you doin'?
You saw--
Okay, little brother,
just be cool.
Just be cool.
Okay, this is it.
See that glass?
Walk across the lobby, slip on
the glass, let gravity do the rest.
I might "eak" my neck.
True. You could break your neck.
It's a risk I'm willing to take.
Why don't "oo" do it?
Because, Einstein, one of us
needs to be the victim...
and one of us needs
to be the witness.
I'm your own brother.
I don't know what you're sayin'.
How's your tongue?
Let me see it.
How's it look?
It looks good.
It looks much better.
Okay, here we go.
We're on Candid Camera,
so make it look good.
Excuse me. I'm a lawyer.
Gloria Allred.
- What the hell happened here?
- She slipped on that glass.
Those arrogant jerks. They're gonna
pay for this through the nose.
How's your neck?
I've never seen such negligence.
This is going to be huge.
She's an angel.
What a cute little face.
Would you look at those cheeks?
- She's absolutely beautiful.
- She has your eyes.
It's the only picture
I have of her.
It's all worn out 'cause
I'm always looking at it.
- You haven't seen her for 27 years?
- Not till today.
-She just called you out of the blue?
-No, I found her.
I hired a detective. I spent all
my money. Now we're going to meet.
- You think she'll recognize me?
- Of course she will, won't she?
- Yeah.
- She will.
Vera Baker.
My baby--
Excuse me.
I have to take this.
This is Merrill.
No! That's unacceptable!
If we don't ship by Tuesday, we won't
be in the stores by Mother's Day.
That's unacceptable, so don't
give me any excuses, and do it!
Do it!
Just shut up and get it done!
Oh, honey,
you broke your phone.
It's okay. I carry extras.
- Why don't we sit down?
- Yes.
You probably have
a thousand questions for me.
I was young. I didn't tell
anybody I was pregnant.
And I felt I could handle it
at the time.
Hi. Do you think
you gals could...
pull yourselves together
and bring us a drink?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Sure. What would you like?
Mimosa.
They both want a mimosa.
So, you sell cosmetics?
Yeah. I have my own company.
And we're going public.
And you're not married?
- Lucianne said you wouldn't.
- Who?
She's my psychic. She's the one
who told me to come look for you.
She said you needed me.
- She did?
- She said you were lonely...
and you were worried about money
and you had trouble sleeping.
Who the hell isn't?
See? I told you
we didn't need a bellman.
Yeah, well, congratulations, Randy.
You avoided another tip.
Those nickels and dimes
add up, my dear.
- I call this bed!
- Hey, no fair.
- You got to pick last night.
- Go to hell, Jason.
- Make me.
- Hey, language, please.
- Bev, his and her bathrobes.
- Yes.
- Look at that view.
- Yeah.
- Nice view.
- Okay, honey. Why don't you unpack?
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna go look around.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're not going to the casino?
No, no, of course not.
I just drove from the Grand Canyon.
Gotta stretch my legs.
You swore to me on your mother's eyes
we are here to see David Copperfield.
- No gambling.
- I'm just lookin' around.
In fact, I'm gonna go
to the gift shop.
I can jump farther than you.
- I can jump farther.
- No way. Watch.
That's gotta hurt.
Honey, kids need ya.
- Hey, Nick. Nicky!
- Hey.
- You're not leaving?
- I'm in court on Tuesday.
- No, you're not.
- I work for people who are.
You pussy. You can't leave.
It's still goin' on up there.
Richie, I have to.
I've had two hours sleep.
Steve Cunningham just got another
stripper. You got to see this one.
- She's incredible.
- I got to get back.
No, you don't, Nick.
I know you. You're scared.
You're scared it's gonna
get out of control up there.
Someday you'll be up for attorney
general and it'll haunt you.
- I'm not having this conversation.
- You didn't even gamble.
Not one quarter.
That's no way to live.
In fact, that ain't even livin'.
It's hiding.
- I'm not hiding from anything.
- Oh, no?
Okay, then prove it.
Do something, anything.
Break one rule.
Here. Look. Nick, a paper.
Come on. Take it.
Take it. Come on, Nick.
Take it.
I have a plane to catch, okay?
I'll see you in Chicago.
Oh, look, I won! I won!
Look at the money comin' down.
Look. Look, look, look.
What's-- What's--
"You're a winner.
See guest services."
What? A dollar?
Come on, baby. Come on!
Come on.
We won!
- We won one.
- What is this? This isn't money.
That's the prize?
A free buffet?
Actually, it's not a buffet.
It's a special reception at 10:00
in the penthouse conference room.
"Where a spectacular...
once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity awaits you."
That's all I know.
- What do you think?
- I think it's some kind of scam.
Good! A scam! We'll do it.
- I'll need to see some I.D.
- Okay.
There. I gambled.
Family vacation? These are
the moments you got to savor, right?
Family vacation? These are
the moments you got to savor, right?
- They'll never come around again.
- Exactly.
Excuse me.
Do you know what's going on?
Free grub.
That's what's going on.
This room is fabulous.
- Does anybody know why we're here?
- Beats me.
Oh, my God.
You should sue somebody.
I did it myself.
- What?
- He did it himself from a kit.
I knew I recognized you.
You're the referee-- the bonehead.
That's just the media
blowing it out of proportion.
My hairdresser's husband
lost $800 because of you.
- Everybody thinks we flip quarters.
- Can I have a picture with you?
It's really
a commemorative coin. Look.
- Smile.
- Please. You--
Am I too late?
Look. I won a coin.
A gold coin.
Isn't this wonderful?
Look at this room.
What a beautiful room.
Have you seen this room?
Yes! We're in it.
I am Enrico Pollini.
Now, I know what you are thinking.
Enrico is a girl's name.
- No, I wasn't.
- No pun intended.
- What pun is that?
- Food. Look at all this food.
What a beautiful party.
Little cockdoggies.
They're called
cocktail wienies.
Wienies. I'm so sorry.
My English is not so good.
But I'm learning.
That's it. Vera.
We're outta here.
-I want to say good-bye. Bye, y'all.
-Excuse me.
Thank you all for coming. I'm
Donald Sinclair. I own this hotel.
We don't have much time.
There's a meteor the size of North
Carolina heading straight for Earth.
The impact is going to kill every
thing and everyone on this planet.
I built a bunker in the basement
strong enough to withstand the blast.
There's room for eight people. I have
chosen the seven of you, plus me.
When this is over, we will repopulate
and re-civilize the planet.
I couldn't resist! I'm sorry.
A joke. He made a joke.
Do sit down, please. Merrill, you
and your mother can sit over here.
- How do you know she's my mother?
- Alas, there are no secrets anymore.
Actually, that's not quite true.
There is one secret, one last secret.
It involves all of you.
- I'm getting goose pimples.
- Hey--
Ah, Mr. Schaffer!
Curiosity got the better
of you, eh? Come and sit down.
- I'm fine. Thanks.
- You haven't missed anything.
We were just
cutting to the chase.
Cutting to the chase.
Well, you'll laugh later.
Now, as you know, the odds against
winning a jackpot downstairs...
or hitting the state lottery
are astronomical-- millions to one.
A serious person doesn't
even bother, but today...
you have the chance
of playing a game...
where the odds of winning
are one in six.
One in six.
It's one throw...
of the dice.
This is my attorney,
Mr. Grisham...
who tragically was born
without a personality.
Mr. Grisham insists anyone who wishes
to participate in our experiment...
sign this waiver, absolving the casino
from responsibility or damages...
personal liability,
blah, blah, blah.
So, who do you like, Claude?
The young woman in the black coat.
She looks desperate.
Yes, but she has
her mother with her.
- That could slow her down, hmm?
- Perhaps.
Now, 563 miles from here...
is a little town called
Silver City, New Mexico.
- Gold rush.
- Quite right, Nick.
Yes, they struck gold there
in 1860.
It was the second largest
gold rush in American history.
Very good, Nick. I think
Nick should be our captain.
In downtown Silver City,
there's a train station.
As you go in the front door,
there's some lockers on the right.
Mr. Grisham,
do you have the keys?
Six identical keys.
They all open the same locker.
That's locker 001.
Inside the locker is a red duffel
bag. Inside the red duffel bag...
is $2 million.
In cash, fifties and hundreds,
makes a pile about so big.
First one there keeps it all.
I put transmitting devices in
your key rings to keep track of you.
And that's it.
Go.
You just can't pick people
at random.
I can do anything I like, Owen.
I'm eccentric.
Go!
Wait, wait.
So, it's like a race?
A race. It's a race.
I hope I win.
What are the rules?
There's only one rule.
Are you ready? Here it is.
There are no rules.
Go.
Go!
So now when you say, "Go,"
you mean just go?
Begin, commence, start moving.
Theoretically, you have been
racing for about 40 seconds.
So far, Mr. Schaffer is winning...
because he's nearest to the door.
You're crazy!
A race! A race!
You have to pace yourself.
Carbohydrate is important.
Pasta is good.
Breathing is important.
Scusi. One--
It's some sort of joke.
It has to be.
What kind of jackass
just gives away $2 million?
Maybe it's a publicity stunt.
What kind of publicity?
He swore us all to secrecy.
-Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.
-A secret publicity stunt?
Yes!
I don't know what his angle is,
but there's always an angle.
Donald Sinclair-- People like him
make millions of dollars...
playing people
like us for chumps.
- I'm nobody's chump.
- So you don't believe--
I'm gonna be on it.
You know what? He's right.
I'm not cuttin' short
my first family vacation...
in three years to go on
some half-assed wild goose chase.
Okay, so,
you're not goin' for it?
I don't think so.
- Not me, no.
- No. Great.
- I guess that's that, huh?
- Right.
It was nice meetin' y'all.
I'm gonna take the stairs.
My room's just two floors down,
so nice meetin' ya.
Hey, have a nice vacation.
You know, it's probably stuck.
I think I'm gonna
take the stairs too.
Crap.
- Go, go, go, go!
- Come on, Vera!
Watch out!
Comin' through!
Hold the door, please.
Take your time. No rush.
- Get up!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
If we're all gonna go for it,
why don't we go for it together?
You know, split the money 50-50.
- Fifty-fifty?
- You know what I mean. Whatever.
Yes, yes, that's a good plan.
It's a race. It's a race.
I'm winning. I'm winning.
And they're off!
No one-- No one is offering you
action like this.
A horse race with animals
that can think and plan...
and lie and cheat
and play dirty.
It's the gambling experience
of a lifetime.
It's my way of saying
I understand men like you.
I know what you want.
I know what you need.
This casino-- my casino--
is where you belong.
- I got it!
- Excuse me!
- To the airport.
- You got it.
We're out the door.
I don't see you. Where are you?
- I forgot to tip the maid.
- Forget the maid. There he is!
- Come on! Let's go!
- Okay, okay.
Bev, this is a real job!
I swear!
What is it?
The job? What's the job?
Ink for fountain pens.
- And they're in New Mexico?
- Silver City, New Mexico.
I love New Mexico.
Honey, we'll go with you.
- No!
- Why not?
Because we've already paid for the
room. Now look who's wasting money.
This was your idea to stop here.
I don't care about David Copperfield.
We're on vacation. We'll go with you.
- But you don't understand--
- We will go with you!
- Fine.
- Yes!
Fine. Fine. Here. Call the bellman.
Have him bring the van around.
- You happy? You happy?
- Okay.
Scusi. Scusi.
I'm in a race. Scusi.
Scusi. It's a race.
- What is he doing?
- I think he's sleeping.
- Sleeping?
- He must be narcoleptic.
It's a rare sleeping disorder.
- But I bet on him!
- So did I. Two million dollars.
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
All the bets are locked in.
Sleeping! Sleeping!
- Look out!
- Don't tell me how to drive!
It's only yellow.
It's only yellow. Run it!
- Where's my video game?
- Seat belts, everyone.
- Honey, what is the rush?
- It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
You're not just a travel agent,
Roger. You're an angel.
There's one charter plane
available in Las Vegas.
We just bagged it.
- Back to pass.
- Get rid of it.
- Looks to his left.
- Get rid of it. Throw the ball!
That's why you're not
gonna get drafted!
You'll be lucky to play
arena football in Barcelona!
- You like football?
- Sure.
Did you happen to catch
that Dallas game last week?
It was an obscenity.
It was a crime against football.
I lost 20 grand on that game!
And they would have won!
Now I gotta work two shifts
because of that idiot!
Stevie Wonder could have done
a better job calling that game.
Where the hell's the airport?
One flip of the coin and the franchise
goes straight down the crapper.
- That'll be 10.50, buddy.
- Keep the change.
Thanks a lot.
You have a nice flight. Yeah!
You know who that was?
That was the ref. The guy
from the game? The coin toss!
Oh, my God!
You're right! That was him!
I had him in the cab,
and I let him go!
- Where are we going?
- We gotta go. Come on. Just go.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Chumps.
Excuse me. Hi.
- I'm not a creep or anything.
- I don't have any quarters.
I never do this, but I'm
reading the same book you are.
Look. See? Lindbergh.
It's fantastic, isn't it?
- What part are you on?
- He just had a sex change.
Who did? Lindbergh?
- Sex change?
- Yeah.
That's funny.
- I thought so.
- That's funny.
I wouldn't be too proud
of yourself though.
I'm the most gullible guy
in Chicago.
Can I buy you a drink?
I can't. I'm flying.
- So, it'll relax you.
- I mean, I'm flying. I'm a pilot.
Pilot? Are there
a lot of female pilots?
There's at least one.
When I walk away, I'm gonna think
of something great to say to that.
Good. Mail it to me.
Flight 115 to
Albuquerque, New Mexico.
- Gate 17. You better hurry.
- Four tickets to Albuquerque.
-Near the front of the plane. Please.
-All right.
Come on!
This is so exciting. I've never
been on a private plane before.
This is bigger than my condo.
- Gentlemen, what's our ETA?
- One hour and ten minutes.
If you can do it in less than
an hour, I'll buy you both dinner.
You're on--
- Watch it. Move. Excuse me. Move.
- Move! Move! Move!
- Who was next?
- I was!
- I was!
- I was!
- What? You were not next!
- Are you callin' me a liar?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
We've been in line over 20 minutes.
- Is that the correct time?
- Hey! Whoa!
Yes, it is.
- Who's next?
- They were, right there.
Two tickets to Albuquerque.
I'm sorry. We're completely booked.
There's nothing.
There's a 4:30,
but you have to switch in Dallas.
What do you mean that's it? I'm
not givin' up and neither are you.
And neither am I!
I'll tell you something, brother.
If we're not flyin' outta here,
no one is flyin' outta here.
That can't be good.
Duane!
No!
Blaine! Blaine!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit!
I can't!
What are you doin'?
I don't know where to go!
- Move!
- Trying to kill me?
Duane, stop the car!
Stop the car!
Whoa, girl! Jesus!
Freeze everything, every flight.
Get me Central Operations.
Attention all passengers.
Due to a technical problem
with our radar tracking system...
all flights are postponed
until further notice.
We apologize for
any inconvenience.
We gotta go.
- Hurry up!
- The bags?
Forget the bags! Let's go!
Comin' through!
- This is your license?
- Yes, it is.
- Where was it issued?
- In Guam.
Just head east,
and I'm in a hurry.
Hello again. East it is.
We have a midsized Caprice.
- What color is it?
- We don't care about color.
Just give us whatever car
is parked closest to the door.
Ask about insurance.
Would you be interested
in purchasing liability insurance?
- How much is it?
- It doesn't matter. We'll take it.
Just hurry.
Hit enter. Now shift.
Shift key. Right there. Yeah.
Hey, watch it!
Bus! White people!
ldiot!
Okay, I've got one.
- What?
- A great comeback.
I said, "Are there
a lot of female pilots?"
And you said,
"There's at least one."
I should have said,
"Two if you count Lindbergh."
'Cause you said
he had a sex change.
It's a work in progress.
- I'm Nick Schaffer.
- Tracy Faucet.
So I guess you can have
that drink now.
I told you I'm flying. I'm leaving
for Roswell in five minutes.
Didn't you hear?
Everybody's grounded.
That's for fixed wing. I'm in a
chopper. We use a different system.
Roswell, New Mexico?
- You're flying to New Mexico?
- We've been flying down all week.
They're repainting
the whole fleet.
You can fly.
Nobody else can fly.
But you can fly.
- And you're flying to New Mexico.
- Yeah.
- But nobody else can fly.
- Yeah.
Do you need a ride?
Come on!
- Coconut.
- Coconut! Who had coconut?
I did.
Phil.
That's the kind of car
that I'm gettin'.
- Yeah? Don't count on it.
- Why not?
Because the Volkswagen Beetle
was used by the Nazis.
I would not be comfortable
driving around in one.
- So, don't drive it. I will.
- Dad, I have to go.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do. I really do.
- We just stopped!
- The bathroom was too gross.
- Well, can't you hold it in?
- I can't! It's an emergency.
Honey, there's a restaurant.
That's three miles down and
then back. We lose ten minutes.
So what? Your daughter
has to go to the bathroom.
- Please stop, Dad.
- All right.
Jason, look back there
for an empty jar.
A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
All right, sorry.
Jason, we're gonna
need a jar and a funnel.
Dad, I don't have to pee.
It's number two!
- Sorry, I can't stop.
- Dad, I'm prairie-dogging it.
What does that mean?
Like when a prairie dog sticks
his head in and out of the ground.
I do not want
to picture that.
Yes, sir, Silver City it is.
- Buddy.
- It's about 700 miles.
- You don't mind, do ya?
- Oh, no. No, no, I don't mind.
A job's just
another job for me.
About how much you think
that's gonna cost?
I wouldn't worry about it.
Tell you what.
You just pay me
whatever you think is fair...
'cause I trust your judgment.
I hate you. I hate you!
Nobody look. I'm gonna turn on
the radio, so nobody can hear you.
I'll never forgive you.
I hate you.
Nobody can hear you, honey.
Push away.
I'm gonna drop you off there. There's
a parking lot near the hospital.
- Great. Great.
- So what's wrong with her?
-Who?
-Your sister. You said it's serious.
Yeah. Shark bite.
- A shark bite?
- Yeah.
They took her to Silver City?
They have a really good
shark attack unit there.
How fast was I going?
- Where are we?
- It's a shortcut I know.
-Maybe we should stick to the highway.
-There's a thought.
You say stick to the highway.
I say we should take my shortcut.
- Why don't we just flip a coin?
- It's not what you think.
- Come on, you blind son of a bitch!
- Wait! Stop it!
Give me that goddamn whistle!
I'm gonna shove it up your ass!
Come back here!
Shit.
I'll kill him.
- Squirrel?
- No, thank you.
We're looking for the interstate.
I get that a lot
'cause of the detour.
Now they've lost their way.
Now they can't go home.
You sure you don't want one?
We're sure. Thank you.
They make crackerjack pets.
I taught this one to shake hands.
He's not for sale though. Who wants
to go home with the nice ladies?
"Pick me. Pick me.
Don't be afraid. I don't bite.
- What's your name, pretty lady?"
- Vera.
Ma'am, really.
We're not interested.
Well, I'm not talkin' to you, am I?
I'm talkin' to Vera.
What about Bucky here? He loves
to climb trees and eat nuts.
Ma'am, we do not
want a squirrel.
Do you or do you not know
where the interstate is?
Of course I do. I'm not retarded.
"Tell 'em about the shortcut."
Thank you, Bucky.
I almost forgot.
There's a dandy shortcut.
It'll bring you right to exit 14.
It'll save you 30 miles.
Now listen carefully.
You want to go straight
down here exactly 1.8 miles.
- 1.8.
- Make a left at Totem Pole Ranch.
Go 5.4 miles and
you're gonna go up a big hill.
You'll see a big yellow sign
with some graffiti on it.
Take the dirt road on the right.
It'll take you to the interstate.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Wait a minute.
Take some nuts with you...
just in case
you see a squirrel, okay?
"Bye. Bye.
You could have bought me."
You'll make it. You'll make it.
Where am I?
Wow! A Barbie Museum!
Can we stop?
Sorry, Kimmy. We have a plan,
and we're gonna stick to the plan.
Please, Daddy. Please, please,
please, please, please.
- Hey, hey!
- It's not fair.
We never get to stop
anywhere I want to.
I'm sure Jason doesn't want
to go to the Barbie Museum.
You kiddin'? I'll stop anywhere.
I'm wiggin' out back here.
You need to pull over and stop
to give the kids a break.
Yeah, okay,
maybe on the way back.
- Stop the car.
- I can't do that.
- We all need to stop the car.
- No can do.
- You need to stop the car.
- No!
Stop the car!
Okay, fine, but 10 minutes.
Wow! The Barbie Museum.
Klaus Barbie...
sometimes known as
the Butcher of Lyons.
Let the Jew revisionists
talk about their death camps...
and so-called crimes
against humanity.
This museum is lovingly dedicated to
the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows.
The husband, the devoted father,
the wine connoisseur...
and three-time
ballroom dancing champion.
Hey, hey, there's that guy,
the "udgy" one.
Barbie joined
the SS in 1935...
where he soon became one of
the Fuhrer's favorite young officers.
Can we go?
Here we see him standing
beside Hitler's touring car...
the very same car on display
outside in our courtyard.
You're leaving?
What--
No-- Yes. Well, we have a 4:30
book burning, and then we have a--
- A christening.
- Yes, a christening...
for one of our many white,
Christian, non-Jewish friends--
-Family. Blood relatives.
-The Himmler Hessin Von Sturichberg--
- Thank you so much.
- Yes, love your do.
Thank you. It's beautiful.
We had a great time.
Wow! A gift shop.
Yes, I know, honey. Next time.
I promise. I really do.
Just go. Just go.
- Oh, my God! We've been cut!
- What do we do now?
I say we take
the interstate.
No, "ake" Highway "well."
That's a shortcut.
You don't know what the shortcut
is. It could be a dirt road.
You know what? There are
"oo" of us. Why don't we separate?
- What?
- There's "oo" of us.
"Amy" we should "ust" separate.
You're right. You're a genius.
There's two of us.
If we separate and you steal a car,
we can both go our own way...
and double our chances
of gettin' there first.
All right. You take the--
We only got one "ee."
Look, there it is.
Totem Pole Ranch, turn left.
All right, squirrel lady.
I can't believe it, Dad. You stole
Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz.
Hitler had it comin'.
What goes around comes around.
They're gonna be pissed.
They're always pissed. They're
Nazis. It's like it's their job.
When we get to Silver City, we'll
call 'em. We'll work somethin' out.
North?
A little detour.
It'll just take a minute.
I just wanted to say hi
to my boyfriend.
I can't believe it.
That-- That son of a bitch!
That's Charlene's car.
-Charlene?
-His ex-girlfriend, or so I thought.
Come on now. I'm sure there's
a perfectly innocent explanation.
She probably came by just
to pick up some clothes or--
Nice and warm.
What the--
Get down!
Did I come at
a bad time, asshole?
I'll ram this helicopter
right down your throat!
What are you doing?
Don't worry. My father's a navy pilot.
I've been flying since I was 15.
I'm not worried about you.
I'm worried about me.
Shawn, you have a minute? I want
to talk about our relationship.
Suck on that, creep!
- That's--
- Not the truck!
Oh, my God!
Come on. Help me. Open it.
I'm not comfortable--
- Open it!
- Okay.
She's gonna kill me.
- We should get outta here.
- Not yet!
You two-timing,
backstabbing snake!
You worm! You turd!
My God! What was I thinking?
I want my five months back!
I'm getting the tattoo removed!
Stop hitting me!
Where are you goin', baby?
Wait for me!
- I think we just killed him.
- You can't! He's like a cockroach.
Fix the--
Should we be this low?
Come on. Come on.
Let's keep goin'. Come on.
We just violated
about 115 federal laws.
- "We"?
- I'm getting out of here. Coming?
I know things look bad--
Nice meeting you.
Get out of the truck, Shawn.
That's it, Tracy.
You and I are through.
Wait!
Wait. This is the first illegal thing
I've done in my adult life.
How does it feel?
I'm shaking, but that could be
from the helicopter crash.
- Get out of my truck, Tracy!
- It's my truck! I paid for it!
- Who is this?
- Nobody.
- You are nobody.
- Nobody.
You stay away from her, nobody,
unless you're tired of livin'.
While you're here, do me a favor.
Charlene left a bra in the truck.
Could you make sure
she gets it? Thanks, honey.
Help!
- So where's the driver?
- He's in the powder room.
Hell's bells. We're never
gonna get to Santa Fe by 3:00.
- This is ridiculous.
- Ridiculous.
I really wish he'd hurry.
It just seems very unprofessional.
Mister, you gotta help me.
My wife--
She's out back.
She's having a baby.
- She's having a what?
- A baby!
- She's having a baby?
- And it's halfway out!
I can see the head!
- I need your jacket.
- Why?
For her amniotic sac!
- Her amniotic fluid is gushing out.
- Gushing?
The jacket! The jacket!
Give me the jacket!
- And your pants.
- My pants?
Your pants! Yeah, for her,
you know, her "placentia"...
you know,
and her labia and cervical--
Mucus gushing-- It's gushing.
It's just a hole and--
Quick! The pants.
And the hat.
Why? Why my hat?
For her...
vagina.
Let's go, ladies.
All aboard. We're on our way.
- What happened to Marty?
- His wife's having a baby.
-A baby?
-I'm Owen, your new driver. Let's go.
Quiet. Quiet, everybody.
Simmer down. Hey!
We're gonna be under way
in just a minute. This is Owen.
He's our new driver.
Everyone say hello.
Hello, Owen!
Our next stop is
the third annual...
I Love Lucy convention
in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
- What do ya say?
- Ba-ba-loo!
Ohh! Ohh !
- Is he dead?
- Hey, mister, are you dead?
It's a race.
It's a race. It's a race.
Run, run,
like greased lightning.
Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
Not good. Not good.
Don't move! Stay there.
I saw the whole thing.
I'll be right down.
Shit! Gloria Allred.
Hey, buddy?
Buddy, you okay? You okay?
You're fine! You look great.
- You want to report this?
- Taxi!
You don't need a taxi.
Come on!
Where you goin'?
Maybe I can drop you off.
Silver City, New Mexico.
I am in a race.
Silver City?
This is your lucky day!
I'm going to El Paso.
It's right on the way.
Come on. But, look, I got
to be there by 7:00 tonight.
- So I'm going to be driving fast.
- Great.
Yeah!
You just want one copy, 'cause
you get an extra one for half price?
Just one and hurry.
This is the best idea
you ever had.
We split up. We take two keys.
We double our chances of winning.
It can't fail.
- You remember where we're goin'?
- Silver City, New Mexico.
Right. Train station, locker 001.
"Ero, ero," one.
Rule number one: discretion.
Don't talk to anybody.
- I won't. I "romise."
- I'm serious.
We're talking about
$2 million in cash.
People would just kill us
to get their hands on that key.
I love you.
All right, little brother,
you steal a car.
I'm gonna try to steal
that Corvette right there.
I don't care what you get
as long as it's fast.
I'll meet you in Silver City.
Don't forget your key.
That "other-ucking" bastard!
I'll kill 'im! I'm gonna--
There he is!
Go! Go!
Okay, we're at 2.4 miles.
There's the yellow sign
with the graffiti.
- Turn right.
- I see it.
- Do you see it?
- I see it.
I just love this.
This is like a treasure hunt.
- Slow down!
- I can't!
Help!
I guess my favorite episode, if l
had to pick one, would be episode 34.
Ladies, Lucys, Lucys,
stay behind the line, please.
Remember that one when Ricky
wouldn't take his hat off?
I don't remember that one.
It sounds like a masterpiece.
How about the one where
she got caught in the freezer?
Ma'am? Lucy! You have
to put that out, please.
Lucy, your hair!
Thank you. I couldn't decide whether
to keep it up or try something new.
It's on fire!
- Stop the bus!
- We're not stoppin'!
Just put it out!
Just put it out!
Stop!
The bathroom!
Two million dollars. Two million
dollars. Two million dollars.
Two million dollars. Two million
dollars. Two million dollars.
The Donald Sinclair,
the billionaire?
It sounds crazy, I know,
but I think it's on the level.
Here's the thing. We have
to decide yes or no right now.
If everybody else had to drive,
we have a three-hour head start.
- So you're proposing?
- A corporation-- Faucet and Schaffer.
If we win, we split everything
What do ya think?
I don't know what to think.
I'm in shock.
Three hours ago I was in the airport.
I had a job. I was reading a book.
My grandfather used to say,
"Good things take time.
Great things
happen all at once."
- Jason, where'd you get that?
- I found it under the seat.
- Give it to me. You can't play that.
- Why not?
Because it's Hitler's harmonica.
You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
- You're driving his car.
- I'm not touching it with my mouth.
I'm not sucking on the dashboard.
I'm not gettin' his germs.
Dad, look what I found.
- Where'd you get those?
- The floor. Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler.
All right, take those
off right now.
Hey, look at this.
A lipstick. It's dark.
That Eva Braun had style,
didn't she?
- She was Hitler's girlfriend.
- Give us a kiss.
Bev, it's not funny.
Give me that.
- Honey!
- I got it all over my hand.
Oh...
Randy.
- Chain, chain, chain
- R-E-S-P-E-C-
- Chain, chain, chain
- find out what it means to me
Respect
Just a little bit
- Just a little bit
- Chain, chain, chain--
Just--
Look at us go.
We are zooming.
I told you.
We're haulin' ass.
We're haulin' ass.
All righty.
- Guess what I got back there.
- You just told me.
Ass. We're haulin' ass.
No, no, no.
That's just an expression.
It's a heart.
- A heart?
- A human heart.
Some lucky bastard
in El Paso's waiting for it.
Normally, they put it on a plane,
but the airport's all closed down.
- You wanna see it?
- See what?
Are we allowed?
Just take a peek. One peek.
What could happen?
It's a heart.
It needs fresh air.
It's been locked up
in that cooler for seven hours.
- Oopsy-daisy. I get it. I get it.
- Shit! Oh, please!
- Don't step on it!
- I think I found it.
No, that's a caramel apple.
This is wrong.
This is so wrong.
God is gonna smote us.
We're gonna get smote.
Come on. We're siphoning gas.
It's not a smoting offense.
What?
Shouldn't be
turning me on, should it?
- Hey!
- Hi.
- What are you doing?
- Seventeen cups of coffee.
I guess--
I guess that's it.
I guess not.
How do you turn this thing off?
Son of a bitch!
- Man! Damn it!
- Keep going. Go! Go!
He's stopping.
'Cause he knows,
don't mess with us.
We gotta wait.
There's too much wind.
- Guys, I need this balloon.
- Hey, what are you doing?
Hey, man, what--
- Hey, hey!
- I know what I'm doing!
I'm coming to get you!
Get back here!
I'll get him. I'm gonna get you,
stupid hardware guy!
- Go! Go!
- Stand up. Grab the rope.
I'm gonna get you!
Stand up. Ready? Grab it.
Missed it.
- Duane! Duane, stop the car!
- Hang on, buddy.
Duane, please stop.
I got it! I got it!
Just hang on.
- Stop it! Blaine!
- My God! You're gonna kill me!
The cows!
Move!
Watch out!
Shit.
Oh, God!
Help!
- Give me my key.
- What are you talking about?
Give me back my key.
The key!
Give me the key.
Blaine! Blaine!
It's me.
I got the key.
How's it going, Captain?
So far, so good.
- How about a pit stop?
- Sorry. This is a one-way flight.
There's a bathroom
in the back.
The latch is broken.
Anybody could just come in.
So what? You ain't got nothing
the other Lucys haven't seen already.
Not necessarily.
Please, would you
stop screaming?
Damn!
Help me!
For God's sake, help me!
Oh, shit.
Owen!
Owen, what are you doing?
It's a flat tire.
Please, stay on the bus.
- Well, you're turning it the wrong way.
- I know what I'm doing.
- Please, get on the bus. Wait!
- Maybe we should check the oil.
I think you're supposed to change
the air in the tires every 12,000 miles.
- I can fix it.
- Give me that!
Wait! That's the spare!
We'll still catch it.
Turn it around.
Just turn it around.
Please be careful.
Wait, wait, wait. What is that?
- It's a nickel.
- Would you please put it in the bag?
Why don't you check over there?
Maybe it bounced.
- I'm a dead man.
- Don't worry. We will find the heart.
I have lost my heart
many times before.
I make a joke...
to help you forget
how screwed you are.
I don't think it got this far.
Let's check down by the road.
Oh, hello. A doggy.
Hello. Hello. Hello there.
Isn't he a good doggy?
Come on. Come on.
Fetch. Fetch it.
Look at him go.
- Here, boy!
- Doggy!
Good boy!
- It really is a beautiful car.
- Yeah.
- Look at this mahogany.
- Gorgeous.
You just don't see
that anymore, you know?
- I wonder what this is.
- Careful. That's a cigarette lighter.
- No, I don't think they had those then.
- Yes, they did.
Oh, honey!
Did you burn yourself?
- Yeah. Oh, God!
- Oh, I told you.
Sorry.
My husband,
he burned his finger, ma'am.
- He was pulling, then he was waving--
- Bev, Bev, not helping.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I really like
your dike. Bike.
It's nice.
Cut 'em off!
Get in front!
- Hey! What are you, nuts?
- Get down!
Kids, stay down!
This thing won't go any faster!
Stop it! The headlights!
The headlight!
- Oh, my God!
- Are you insane? This is Hitler's car!
Honey, go ask them for help.
Tell them everything that happened.
And ask them
to call the police.
And a tow truck.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Are you Harold?
- Yes.
I'm Vicky.
Are you gonna
invite me in, Harry?
Or would you rather
party out here in the hallway?
Please. Come in.
Not too shabby.
- Where are you from, Harry?
- From here.
- Las Vegas.
- A local boy makes good.
So, Harry,
what can I do for you?
Okay. Here's what I want.
First we both get naked.
- So far, so good.
- Only we're wearing sailor hats.
And then...
we get into a Jacuzzi...
filled with Pepto-Bismol.
And...
I clip your toenails...
and you shave my buttocks.
Pardon me?
Okay, naked,
Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol...
toenails,
shave my buttocks.
How much would that cost?
Geez, honey,
you have quite an imagination.
How much would it cost?
Well, let's see.
A party like that--
three thousand dollars.
Okay, 3,000.
Who has 3,000?
Carlton had 2,800.
He's the closest.
I think it's okay.
What do you think?
What about those little holes?
Are they bite marks?
That's-- That's how it was.
I'm-- I'm pretty sure.
What am I doing?
I can't go
to El Paso with this.
Look at it.
It's gonna leak like a sieve.
The guy's gonna be alive
for like two minutes and then--
- A drifter.
- A drifter?
We-- We find a drifter...
kill him,
cut out his heart.
Nobody's gonna miss him, right?
I mean, he's a drifter.
He's an invisible man.
It's a perfect plan.
Mr. Zack, now you are
giving me the freak-out.
Where--
Where do I find a drifter?
Enrico.
- Where did you say you were from?
- Me? I am from Napoli.
And your family,
they're back there?
No. No, my papa, he is dead.
And my mama. All gone.
Any family? Kids?
I am completely alone.
Why--
Why do you--
Look, a drifter.
Let's kill him.
Son of a--
Come back here!
Whatever. Listen, sugar.
You're not going anywhere today.
You got a crack
in your radiator.
That's this big tank
in front of this big engine.
- I know what a radiator is.
- Is there a place we can rent a car?
- Albuquerque.
- Okay, look.
We'll just have to patch it.
A quick fix.
- Patch it? Patch it with what?
- Sand and tire sealant.
You mix the two. It forms an
adhesive, lasting a couple of hours.
We only have about
Darlin',
we don't have any sand.
Hello!
We're in the desert!
We should've
bought a squirrel.
Mother of mercy!
Where'd you come from? Car trouble?
Here. Sit down.
You two look exhausted.
How long y'all been out there?
Here. Have something to drink.
Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the press--
- What's going on?
- Some rocket scientists from L.A....
they're trying to break
the land speed record.
A unique combination of automotive
and aerodynamic innovation.
The vehicle, which
we call Lightning ll...
represents three years
of R & D...
which was conducted at the
California Institute of Technology.
The design team was led by Professor
Ken Freedman and Dr. Richard Kramer.
We believe
that, aerodynamically...
this is the most perfect
vehicle ever designed.
The entire vehicle weighs
less than 1,850 pounds.
The body is a one-piece
Kevlar composite.
The wheels are
solid billet aluminum...
and she's powered by twin
JE-79 turbojet engines...
the same engines that are
in the F-4 Phantom jet.
Are there any questions?
Mr. Calvert, what is
the current land speed record?
That would be
but we hope to have
a new record today.
- Anyone else?
- How do you start it?
Good question.
A green lever to the left of the
steering wheel in the cockpit...
engages the primary thruster,
igniting the JE--
- That's a record.
- They'll break the sound barrier.
Well, that's it. I still don't
think she's gonna hold.
- What do we owe you?
- Five hundred bucks.
- What?
- For two quarts of sealant?
No way.
That's 20 bucks tops.
Okay, here's 40 dollars.
That's double what it's worth, okay?
Come on, Nick. Let's go.
Hold it.
Another little tool
no mechanic should be without.
Fine. Here's your $500.
But you know what, Billy Ray?
What goes around,
comes around.
This is so unchristian.
Unchristian?
Well, if the good Lord don't
like the way I conduct business...
let him say something.
Let him give me a sign.
Oh, Lord, I'm here
and I'm listening!
Hello!
- Mach one!
- We did it! We did it!
Hey, everybody okay?
You all right? Yeah?
- Randy, you okay?
- There's no Ink Inc.
- What?
- There's no job.
It's a race. We're racing.
Donald Sinclair put
$2 million in a locker.
And I wanna get there first.
I do not want
to work at Home Depot!
Okay, people,
back on the bus.
George, don't eat that.
Get back on the bus!
Come on. Back on the bus.
Simon, put that down.
You too. Back on the bus.
Come on, everyone!
We don't wanna miss dinner.
It's macaroni night!
We came in
the rocket car.
Oh, a rocket car. Let's hear
all about that on the bus.
All right,
so we can still win...
but we have
to leave now, all right?
- So, come on.
- Dad.
It's been a living hell.
Bev, it's-- it's $2 million.
That's a lifetime supply
of hummus.
Okay. Okay. Yeah.
I've been selfish.
I understand.
I'm sorry. Really.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I almost got us killed.
God!
- Hi, everybody. Miss me?
- Hey!
To show there's no hard feelings,
chocolate shakes all around.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm a little disappointed,
but I'm an adult.
So drink these up, and then
we'll return the Nazi-mobile.
We'll get that van fixed, go back
to Vegas and see David Copperfield!
Yea! Okay,
drink up, buddy!
Is it good?
Drink it up, honey.
Oh, don't feel bad.
- It's not your fault.
- We'll tell the company.
We won't let them
fire you.
- I'm no bus driver.
- Don't say that.
No. I'm not.
I'm not a bus driver.
Oh, you mustn't be
so hard on yourself.
Hey, everybody, who's
the world's greatest bus driver?
Listen. Listen. No, no!
No! No! Shut up, you crazy
Lucy bitches! Shut up!
I am not a bus driver!
I do not work for
the bus company! All right?
I needed a ride to New Mexico,
so I stole this uniform!
See this jacket?
This is not my jacket!
Remember Marty,
the bus driver?
This is his shirt!
I stole it!
And these pants, you think
I'd wear these pants?
These aren't my pants!
These are Marty's pants.
I stole them.
I am not a bus driver.
You're not
a real bus driver?
You lied to us!
He ruined
our whole vacation!
Here they come.
They're all within 50 miles.
It's the final lap.
Mr. Grisham.
Now, the airport's back on-line, so
I want you to take the Lear jet...
scoot on down to Silver City
and report from the finish line.
Yes, sir.
Yes!
Let's go back to Vegas.
Bev, Bev, wake--
Come on. Wake up. Wake up.
Bev, wake up. Wake up.
Third Reich's here. Come on.
Get down. You wanna
have a nice life.
Okay, okay. Think. Think.
SS in the parking lot.
Not good. Not good. Think.
Hi, honey.
- They gonna be all right?
- Yeah.
Friend, I don't
think there's room.
This one's little.
- There it is. There it is!
- Silver City. We're almost there.
Yeah! Go!
Where the fuck are we?
There were two guys
in there.
- Where'd they go?
- Hey!
Thanks for the truck, buddy!
- Yeah.
- Silver City.
Next stop, Silver City.
Silver City?
It is the finish line.
I made it. I made it!
The key.
Where is the key?
What have we-- Where is
the key, my little baby?
- Excuse me.
- I think I am touching it.
- Get away from him.
- I can feel it. It's very small.
- I'm calling the conductor!
- I have it! I got it!
Wait! Wait!
Come back! Don't leave me!
Come on! Come on, baby!
Giddyap!
Come on, baby.
Just one more mile.
Just one mile.
Come on!
Randy?
Hey, honey,
how'd you sleep?
- Pass. Pass him.
- I can't. We're too big.
There's Silver City.
We're here. Move!
They stopped.
They're moving. Look.
Come on, Dad! Let's go!
I can smell it.
Daisy, Daisy
Give meyouranswertrue
Daisy, Daisy
Hey! Hey!
Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
- We gotta get off!
- Ladies. You know the rules.
We're not crazy, lady.
We should've bought a squirrel.
We didn't buy a squirrel.
- That's why we took the rocket car.
- We can still win.
Open the door, or I'm gonna crush
you like a cockroach in the night.
Open the door!
Tell him! Tell him!
- Open the door.
- Thank you!
It's Pollini.
Enrico Pollini on a train.
- He just rolled into the station.
- Well, what do you know?
Rip Van Winkle
pulled it off.
You gotta love a long shot.
It's here. It's here.
- It's here.
- Here he comes.
- It's you.
- He's holding the key.
And he's going
to the locker.
Mr. Pollini, well done, sir.
And congratulations.
On behalf of Mr. Donald Sinclair,
the Venetian Hotel and Casino--
Mr. Grisham, is it over?
- Get out of the way!
- Open it!
He's sleeping.
Did I win?
Vicky.
You let go of this bag...
or I swear to God, I'll report
you to the escort service.
Mr. Grisham,
what's going on?
The hooker-- The hooker--
The hookeris taking the money.
- What hooker?
- Vicky. From the hotel.
- Pepto-Bismol?
- I told you to wait in the car.
- What the hell is she doing there?
- I brought her.
I'm sorry, Mr. Sinclair.
She said she liked me.
I'm beginning to think she was
only interested in the money!
- Come with me.
- I'll drive.
So long, suckers!
- The bus! The bus.
- You wanna steal a bus?
- Yes, I do.
- My God, what have I done?
Help! Somebody help me!
This thing's got
a mind of its own.
- Finders keepers, pal.
- That's mine.
I see it!
I see it! Relax!
It means it's a scratch.
Nobody wins.
I'll tell you what it means.
We're going into extra innings.
Carla, call the airport. Tell them
to get my other Lear ready.
Gordon, stay here and watch the
board. Tell us where they're going.
Gentlemen, grab your drinks.
We're going to Silver City.
- Is that it?
- That's it.
Thank the pilot.
Tell him to level off.
Who had Mr. Kimiche?
- It was me.
- Well done!
- Congratulations.
- Very good.
Keep going!
Come on!
There it is.
It's coming down right there.
- Where is it?
- There it is.
Go!
- Get it! Get it!
- Grab that money!
Get it down!
Now, that is
one hell of an entrance.
It's Smash Mouth!
What's going on over here?
- What's this?
- Money.
Jesus, how much is this?
- Two million dollars.
- Two--
Two million--
Two million dollars, everybody!
Two million dollars!
On the bus,
we talked about it...
and we decide
to share all the money.
They're gonna share
all the money, everybody!
Oh, man!
Get these guys some jackets.
Get these jack--
Get these jackets over here.
So what's the story, man? Are you
guys some kind of organization?
- What's going on?
- No, no. We just met this morning.
They just met
this morning, everybody!
Oh, my God!
I almost didn't come along,
but then I met Tracy and--
Well, great things
happen all at once.
Oh, this is beautiful, baby.
This is beautiful.
Great things happen,
I don't know.
Feed the earth, baby.
Feed the earth.
We're gonna check the tote board
now and see where we're at. Okay?
Come on, baby.
Let it roll. Come on, baby.
You don't understand.
Excuse me.
We work for Feed the Earth.
These are some
of our children.
I don't know who you people are
or where you came from...
but God bless you.
Tonight...
you've given to these kids...
and their brothers and sisters
all over the world more than money.
You've given them back
their faith...
their faith
in the goodness of people.
She said, "You are just
like the 12 disciples."
Aw!
Aw!
Thank you.
Forget it.
All these other disciples can do
whatever they want with their share.
- But this money goes home with us.
- What?
- Period. End of story.
- Put the money in the bag, carrot.
You don't know me, man.
Come here.
It's you.
I'm so proud of you.
Giving away
all of your money?
Come on.
Mama is watching us
from heaven right now.
What would she do?
It's for starving
children, Duane.
Do it for Mom.
Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'd like to introduce
the real star of tonight's show.
None of us would be here tonight
if it wasn't for this man.
He is the man with the plan,
Mr. Donald Sinclair.
What?
One of the wealthiest
men in the world!
- Mr. Donald Sinclair!
- You are the man.
Get a camera on him. There you go.
Nice shot. There he is.
These men, they didn't
have to be here tonight.
No, they could be off
kicking back in the Riviera...
or in Vegas blowing their money
on some meaningless idiotic bet.
They couldn't do that...
not when there were children
going to bed hungry every night.
Isn't that right, fellas?
Whatever.
Mr. Donald Sinclair
and his partners...
want you and the millions
of people watching at home...
to know they plan to match
whatever you raise tonight...
dollar for dollar!
- Dollar for dollar!
- Dollar for dollar!
A matching fund, everybody!
Let's hit the phones
out there and crank it up...
because we're gonna feed
the whole world tonight!
Somebody once told me
The world is gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest
toolin the shed
And she was lookin'
kind of dumb
With a finger and a thumb
In the shape of an "L"
on her forehead
Well, the years start comin'
and they don't stop comin'
Fed to the rules and
I hit the ground runnin'
Didn't make sense
not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart
but your head gets dumb
So much to do, so much to see
So what's wrong with
takin' the backstreets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow
Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
All that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars
break the mold
It's a cool place and
they say it gets colder
You're bundled up now
Wait till you get older
But the meteor men
beg to differ
Judgin' by the hole
in the satellite picture
The ice we skate
is gettin' pretty thin
The water's gettin' warm
so you might as well swim
My world's on fire
How about yours
That's the way I like it
and I'll never get bored
Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
All that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars
break the mold
Go to the moon
Go to the moon
Go to the moon
Oh, yeah, go to the moon
Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
All that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars
Somebody once asked could
I spare some change for gas
I need to get myself
away from this place
I said yep, what a concept
I could use
a little fuel myself
And we all could use
a little change
Well, the years start comin'
and they don't stop comin'
Fed to the rules and
I hit the ground runnin'
Didn't make sense
not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart
but your head gets dumb
So much to do
So much to see
So what's wrong with
takin' the backstreets
You'll never know
if you don't go
You'll never shine
if you don't glow
Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
All that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars
break the mold
All that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars
break the mold