# Sometimes I want to kill, kill #
# times I want to kill, kill #
# times I want to kill, kill #
Too soon to say how this will affect
an already unstable situation
in the middle-
# If when one of us is dead #
# When I die #
Listening to Rockin Johnny's'
all vinyl afternoon
on CL 97.3.
It's a crisp bright day
here in the hammer.
Looks like spring
is right around the corner.
This one by The Jive Five
is going out to all of you
counting down the hours
till quitting time.
# Tick-tock #
# listen to the clock #
# Tick-tock #
# listen to the clock #
# What time is it? #
# I've just got to know #
# What time is it? #
# It's 5:00 #
# Three more hours to go #
# till I hold her #
# in my arms #
# and tell her #
I got it.
I got the feeling.
I can taste it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got the feeling,
got the feeling.
I feel it.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
"Weapon of Mass Destruction
in the fifth race. "
Weapon of Mass Destruction
in the fifth.
Weapon of Mass Destruction
in the fifth.
Weapon of Mass Destruction
in the fifth.
Don't waste it.
Don't waste it
on anything stupid.
I got that feeling.
I got the feeling.
I got the feeling.
Fuck are you staring at?
Should I piss?
No, don't piss.
I got the feeling.
I got the feel-
careful, don't step on any
fucking cracks, man.
What you lookin' at?
Don't fucking look at me,
you bad luck cocksucker.
Hi, there.
Can I get a scratch off
for there?
Ten bones.
Thank you.
# Tick-tock #
# Listen to the clock #
# What time is it? #
# It's 7:00 #
Give me something.
Give me something.
Ah, cocksucker!
Fuckin', fuck, oh, fuck.
Yeah, the fuckin' store
was cursed.
Should have just gone
to the fuckin' track.
# The moment in #
If there's a taxi coming,
I go to the track.
Oh, yes, yes, fucking A.
Oh, yes, yeah!
Fucking A, I still got it.
I still got the feeling.
You cocksucker!
Ah, cocksucker.
Oh, cocksucker.
Fuck.
Ah, cocksucker.
Motherfucker.
What a fuckin' day.
God damn it.
Oh.
Hey, hold that cab!
The Jive Five.
Hold that cab!
Wait, please!
Hold that cab!
Please!
Wait, just-
ah, fuck!
Ah, fuck!
Oh, yeah, now you see me.
Great, so thanks for that,
you fucking bad luck old lady.
Fucking had to live just
long enough to kill the feeling.
God damn it.
A fucking conspiracy
or something.
Ah, shit.
Oh, fuck.
Get in the car, Andy.
Andy.
He's still following me, okay.
Oh, hey, Reuben.
Hey, where the hell
did you come from?
Get in the car, Andy.
Get in the car.
Okay.
Reuben, I swear to God, man,
I was this fucking close
to having your money.
I-I totally had the feeling.
Put that cigarette
out of my car, Andy.
What?
Oh.
So...
I thought you-
you'd retired or something.
Hey, did you go on vacation?
You look like you got some sun,
lost a little weight.
Look, I swear to God.
I was this fucking close, Reuben.
But then some fucking old
bad luck lady fucking cursed me
and killed the feeling.
What's that?
Is that Cleo?
Why?
Why do you have my Cleo?
Oh.
I get it.
You're gonna hurt my poor,
defenseless little cat
just 'cause
I owe you a little money?
In the meantime-
What are you doing?
The fuck's it
look like I'm doing?
I'm getting
my fucking cat.
Get back in your seat.
Please.
I said get back in your seat, Andy.
How's my favorite kitty?
Ow!
Ow!
Are you fucking crazy?
Punch me in the fucking ear,
Reuben?
Fuck this shit.
What the fuck
is the matter with you?
Why are you doing this?
Shut up
and I'll tell you.
You know what?
Reuben, you've gone
fucking crazy.
I said shut up, Andy.
Ow, God.
Shut the fuck up!
You shut the fuck up!
Ah!
Stop hitting me!
Ow!
I'm trying to be
a nice guy here.
Now, listen, Andy.
You're gonna die today.
Come on.
Ow!
Fuck balls!
Today.
Fuck!
Now, there's five other guys
who wanted to do this job,
but I said that I'd handle it.
You want to know why?
Because...
I wanted to give you a chance
to prepare, to make peace.
Anybody else, you'd already have
a bullet in your head.
You understand?
I got shit to do.
Now, I've got
a meeting at 3:00.
I have to be
somewhere else at 3:00.
So that's how much time
you've got.
But if you reach
for that door again,
I'll do it now,
I swear it.
All right?
I'm a fucking retard.
I'm trying to be a nice guy.
Oh, yeah,
thank you very much, Reuben.
You're super swell.
You're welcome.
So...
what do you want to do, Andy?
And I suggest you make good use
of this time.
I don't know.
I-I can't think.
I got to take a piss.
You can take a piss
when you're dead.
I got to piss now,
Reuben.
I've been holding it in
for, like, a fucking hour.
I will go in here if you want.
Do you have, like, a cup
or a bottle or something
for me to pee into?
Wait there.
Come on, then.
Don't try anything stupid.
Go on that post there.
What if I got some money?
I could always sell my TV set.
TV's not worth 68 grand, Andy.
It's 68 now?
Jesus.
Don't be looking at my dick.
Well, fuck, could you
turn around, please?
You're really making me
very nervous.
Go on.
What if I got ten grand?
Well, I'd take the ten grand
and shoot you anyway.
Really?
I got 60 bones in my pocket.
We'll go to the casino,
play some high stakes slots.
It's not about
the money anymore, Andy.
It's about you
going around town,
bragging about how
you're not gonna pay people.
It's about you going around,
making fun of the way
one of those people looks.
Well, he's-
he's got a fucking-
Yeah, he's got a harelip,
and guess what.
He doesn't like people who
owe him large amounts of money
calling him
Mr. Funny Mouth.
Now, are you gonna piss or what?
I can't.
I'm having trouble here.
Could you make, like,
a waterfall sound?
What?
Just like Niagara Falls,
just go-
It'll help me go.
Andy, you've got three seconds
before I shoot
your fucking dick off.
Okay, okay,
here we go.
Oh, there we go.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Idiot.
Oh.
Let's go.
Fuck!
This is the sort of
fucking luck I have.
I smell like
a fucking hobo right now.
Get in the fucking car.
Now, put your seat belt on
and stop dicking around, Andy.
Man.
Ah, such a classic
track to hear on the station
that plays all your favorites,
CL 97.3.
Up next, we're jumping ahead to 1970
with Lighthouse
and One Fine Morning.
# One fine morning, girl, I wake up #
What are you doing?
The fuck's it look like I'm doing?
I already told you no.
What do you mean, no?
I already told you,
you can't smoke.
Now, put it out.
What, are you fucking kidding me?
I don't want to breathe that crap.
I'll roll the window down.
Didn't you smoke for, like,
20 fucking years, Reuben?
Yeah, and then I realized
it was disgusting.
Now, put it out.
So we're just gonna sit here,
driving around all day?
They just got some
polar bears at the zoo.
We could go to the art gallery,
check out some paintings.
Anything you want, Andy.
You just figure it out
and let me know.
It's hard to think
without a smoke, you know?
I don't know.
What?
Spill it.
There's a woman,
works over on Regent,
looks kind of like Rosie Perez.
Is that what you want to do,
get a hooker?
I don't know, Reuben.
Hey, if that's what you want,
I mean, then fine.
I'm-I'm just asking.
Man, let's see.
Art gallery,
Rosie Perez look-alike naked.
Stare at fucking polar bears,
see Rosie Perez look-alike naked.
I mean-
It's your hour.
If that's what you want to do.
You don't like Rosie Perez.
You-you don't think
she's a good actress.
No, I like her fine.
And she's fucking hot as balls, right?
Yeah, hot as balls.
And I don't want to die
knowing that I could have fucked
a piece of ass
that looked just like her, do you?
Like I said, Andy,
it's your hour.
Well, here's Regent.
You want to head down that way?
There's no right answer, Andy.
If that's what you want to do...
Hmm.
Let's go in, Andy.
Okay.
I mean, look, it's definitely
not gonna take an hour, Reuben.
I don't think I even really
want to fuck her.
I just want her to, like,
take her clothes off
and look at her,
you know.
We can go see the polar bears after,
if you want.
Hey, it's not about me,
honestly.
- Do what you want.
- Yeah.
Okay, it's just up here
a little bit more.
Here?
That don't look like
no Rosie Perez to me.
That's your idea of Rosie Perez?
No, fuck.
That's, like, her mother
or fucking aunt or something.
That's-ah, jeez.
No, no, it's okay.
No, no, no, it's okay.
No, don't.
Don't-it's okay.
No, it's okay.
Do you want a date?
No.
No, thank you.
No?
No, uh...
Is your daughter working today?
My daughter?
Or-or your niece?
Looks like Rosie Perez?
Do you want head?
No, thank you.
Maybe some time later.
Awesome, but thank you.
You see?
That's the sort of luck I have.
I finally get the nerve
to come down here, and-shit.
What?
Is your daughter working?
What?
I was perfectly cordial.
How much money you got?
I already told you,
60 bucks.
Give me $50.
Why?
Just do it.
Oh, motherfuck!
Hey, sugarpuss.
Say, my young friend here,
he got so excited at the sight
of your sweet face
and your-your hot body,
that he-
well, he threw a little party
in his pants.
So, I figure
he owes you this.
Okay, fine.
Yo, what the fuck was that?
Is getting hookers
really what you want to do
with your last day on Earth, huh?
Well, what am I supposed to do, like,
fuckin' find that special someone,
settle down, have a family?
Now what are you doing?
Am I gonna have to take my seatbelt off?
Get out.
Now take a look around.
What?
Just around.
Well, we live in a shit hole.
I already knew that, Reuben.
It's not a shit hole.
It's home.
It's where we live.
Don't you feel anything
when you look at this, Andy?
Yeah, sure.
Anger, depression, hepatitis.
Come here.
- Get up there.
- What?
Get up on the hood of the car.
- Why?
- Just do it.
Ah, fuck.
What do you see?
A shit hole from a slightly
higher perspective.
Try taking a harder look,
funny man.
What do you see?
Ugly street...
ugly ass fucking buildings.
That's you, Andy.
That's you out there.
Almost everything
that ever happened to you
happened right here,
right here in this city.
Right?
Yeah, right.
Get down.
Jesus.
What are you,
Fred Dryer?
Buckle up.
I just can't believe you.
You don't care
about anything...
or anyone.
Isn't there somebody out there
that you want to look at
one last time, huh?
Say good-bye to?
What, did you want to go see
Mom's gravestone
or meet my fucking deadbeat dad?
Or we-you want to watch
an ex-girlfriend
chuck a plate
at my fucking head?
Come on, Andy,
now, there must be somebody.
I don't know.
Maybe we could go see my grandma.
Where's Grandma?
East.
Great.
We have to head that way anyway.
So you close with your grandmother?
Yeah, we're pretty tight.
That's weird.
You never talked about her
over the years.
That's weird?
Yeah, I don't think
you've ever mentioned her.
Well, what the hell
was I gonna say to you?
Hey, Reuben, you know
what's pretty cool?
My grandmother actually plays
bingo every Tuesday night.
Or here, interesting fact:
I don't think my grandmother's
had sex in 38 years.
Fair enough.
Besides, you know,
I haven't seen her in a while.
No?
How long?
I don't know, like, three,
four years, maybe.
Four years?
I thought you said you were close.
We-we were.
When I was little, you know,
Dad was gone,
and Mom was doing her thing,
so I ended up at Grandma's a lot,
and, oh, she had so much food,
Ding Dongs and Twinkies
and Jos. Louis
and-and all sorts of pop,
like, every fucking color of pop,
the red pop, the white pop,
even fucking green pop.
Bunch of fucking cats
to play with.
Bought me a Nintendo,
bought me a BMX,
one of those Play-Doh
barbershop kit things
that you make the hair with.
I mean, fuck.
Why haven't you kept in touch?
I, you know-
I owe her some money.
Hmm.
And I stole some shit from her,
pawned it all off
and then lost it all
at the native casino.
That's a pretty shitty thing
to do to your grandma.
Oh, I know,
I know, I know.
I-I thought I was gonna win,
and I'd buy it all back, you know?
I was sure I was gonna win.
I want to show you something.
Do you want to go play golf?
No, I hate golf.
There's a story
behind that club, though.
What, you, like, beat somebody
to death with it or something?
No, I made a hole in one with it.
I thought you hate golf.
I do.
But a friend, he dragged me out
to play with him one day.
This was, '85, maybe,
a few years
before I came over.
And I got to the first tee,
and he showed me
how to strike the ball.
So I hunker down over it,
and I take a swing,
and I hit the ball
straight for the green.
It bounces four times
and goes plunk,
right in the hole.
No.
Yep.
Your first fucking shot ever?
Yep.
My buddy fell on the ground.
He couldn't believe it.
He said-he said,
"Most golfers never get a hole in one
in their whole life, ever."
Jesus.
So what'd you do?
Well, I told my friend,
"I'm keeping this club,"
and I left.
- You left.
- Yeah, I went home.
I figured it wasn't going to get
any better than that.
What was the point of going on?
I like to keep it with me.
Little reminder of something I got right.
Not the shot.
That was bullshit,
but actually walking away
at the right moment.
How often do we do that?
# Four men in a rock and roll band #
# Fly at night,
in the morning we land #
# Fly at night
till we're satisfied #
# See the morning
from the other side #
# And when you close your eyes #
# Sleep comes fast #
# When you fly the universe #
You want to hear my
one in a million hole in one?
Yeah.
All right.
About five years ago,
back when I was still living
on the east end,
I wake up one morning,
and I have got the feeling
like I've never had it.
I got the fucking King Midas
going big time.
Like, I knew it,
knew it, knew it, knew it,
knew I was gonna
rip a big win that day.
And I had this voice in my head
that just kept saying,
"Go to the track.
"Go to the track, Andy.
Go to the track."
'Cause there was this 80 to 1
long shot called Egyptian Fin.
Egyptian Fin?
Egyptian fucking Fin.
I was sure she was gonna win, right?
And I-I just got paid.
I had this stupid
fucking construction job,
and I was prepared to bet
the whole bloody check
on Egyptian Fin.
I-I thought I'd be up
around 30 grand or something.
Only problem is, the track
didn't open till lunchtime.
So I got fucking five hours to kill.
Anyway, idiot over here
gets so excited,
I smoke the whole fucking pack
of smokes in the first hour.
Part of me's saying,
"Hey, just sit tight.
"Stay here.
"Wait till the track opens.
"Don't risk going out there
and wasting that luck
on something stupid."
But I figured
maybe I can just run
to the corner store,
grab a pack of smokes,
and run right back.
Of course, I got fuck all
in my fridge,
so I grabbed a bottle
of ice tea while I was there.
Motherfucker.
What?
I crack open the ice tea,
and it starts to make a noise.
What kind of noise?
Like, music, like, some fucking
reggae shit or something.
And-and I call up
the tea company.
I'm like, "Excuse me,
my tea's making music."
And the woman
on the phone says,
"Oh, congratulations.
You've won the grand prize."
You know, and I'm thinking,
"Fucking A, validation.
"I knew it.
Today was the day."
I-I felt so happy.
I was so fucking happy.
Well, what'd you win?
Well, she goes away for a little bit.
She has to check something
on the computer.
I hear-
Comes back on the phone
and says,
"Sir, you've won
a Caribbean cruise for two."
And I'm like,
"You've got to be
fucking shitting me.
"I hate boats.
"I hate the water.
I- I don't even really like
the sun that much. "
I asked her if I could-
if I could sell it, please.
She said, "No."
It was, like, nontransferable
or some shit.
And what happened to the horse,
you know, Egyptian Fin?
Finished dead last.
Oh, well, you see?
There you go.
It saved you from losing
your paycheck.
That was lucky, wasn't it?
You really don't fucking
get it at all, do you?
Yeah, I-I get it.
You feel like you wasted
your luck on a crappy prize.
Yeah, but not just any luck.
The chances of winning that thing
are, like, one in a million.
But you said that you felt
lucky again today, right?
Lucky.
Not a million-to-one fucking lucky.
Just turn up here, please.
- Here?
- Take a right.
Fly at Night.
The West Coast's own Chilliwack.
It's 17 minutes past the hour here
with Rockin' Johnny's
all vinyl afternoon.
Your grandmother works
at Jollop's Chicken?
No, no, she just
really likes it, though.
Her and the cats do.
You're not gonna try
anything stupid, now, are you?
No.
All right, let's go.
Jesus.
I worked at this joint when I was 17.
Worst fucking year of my life.
Hello.
Not very talkative.
Um...
Are there
any specials today?
Number two?
Number three?
No, I-I mean, like, isn't it
Toony Tuesday or some shit?
Number two.
With a Coke?
Number two, that's-
that's the special?
Yes, number two.
Yes, number two is the special?
You like a Coke?
Do I like Coke?
Number two?
Jesus, you really love
that fucking number two,
don't you?
Andy.
- What are you doing?
- What?
I'm just trying to help
an immigrant learn English.
Let me see your wallet.
Why?
Just give me
your fucking wallet.
Fuck's sake.
You have ten bucks in here.
So?
So why are you looking
to spend two when you got ten?
You got plans for the rest
of that money?
No.
So why are you haggling to save
a few bucks on fast food?
Fuck, you want me to pay
full price like a schmuck?
Fine, I don't give a fuck.
I'll do it.
Just tell me what it is
that you want me to do here.
There's nothing I can accomplish
in an hour that's gonna save me
from wherever the fuck it is
that I'm going, Reuben.
Mr. Funny Mouth.
Yeah.
Impatient fucker.
Honestly, Andy,
I want you to do whatever you want.
Bullshit.
It's your time, Andy.
All right.
I'll do whatever I want.
Number three, please.
- Three?
- Three.
Hey, listen, does
fucking Donny still work here?
He used to be
the assistant manager.
Donny, please.
What's up, Kwan?
Can I help you?
Do you know who I am,
Donny?
I am the ghost
of employees past.
Is that fucking Andy?
Yes, fucking Andy and others.
I am made of the ghosts
of all the employees
you abused
over the years.
Abused?
I caught you putting your dick
in the macaroni salad,
and I fired your ass.
Yeah, but not before you ate a whole
shitload of my cum, you didn't.
You know, you're a class act, Andy.
All right, look,
you've had your fun, okay?
Can-can you give him
his chicken, Kwan?
Kwan, read my lips.
Give him his chicken, please.
You see?
That.
That's the shit right there
I'm talking about.
You don't got to scream
at Kwan like that.
You don't have to tell me
what to do.
You got your chicken.
Now, why don't you
get out of my store?
Oh, right, you got more
employees to abuse back there.
I understand completely.
What is with this abuse thing?
I don't ever recall
abusing you, Andy.
What?
No, in fact,
you want to hear
something funny?
Yeah.
I actually liked you.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
You know, I got a kid
in the back.
- He reminds me a bit of you.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, a real punk,
talks a lot of crap.
Hey, good for him.
He sounds awesome.
Awesome?
That's awesome to you, huh?
Well, why don't I get him out here?
Maybe you can tell him
what a big success you've become, huh?
I don't have time for this.
I don't have time for this crap.
Let's go.
Ah, fucking shit.
I got to go back in.
- Why?
- I got to go back.
Hey.
Fucking piece of shit.
Donny!
Donny.
Donny!
Oh, yeah, okay.
You better fucking
stay back there, Donny.
Yeah, you better stay back there.
And-and you tell the punk kid in the back
that, yeah, he's better off
being a deadbeat
than a fucking fascist
fast food manager.
And-and I-
and you better be nicer to Kwan.
I don't want to hear that you've
been mean to Kwan ever again.
Be nice to Kwan!
So...
What?
Feel better?
That's not true,
is it, Andy?
What?
About the macaroni salad.
Oh, no, it's-
I may have tried it
once or twice.
Oh, Jesus, Andy.
What, Reuben?
I was 17, okay?
I didn't have a girlfriend.
And a
tragedy that both its writers
ended up hanging themselves
after a argument.
Hey, but you see the
fucking look on his face?
But why did he deserve that?
I bet you were a crap employee.
Crap employee?
I-I wouldn't-
I wouldn't be
in this situation now, Reuben.
You blame that bloke for your situation.
Come on, Andy.
No, he fucked me up, okay?
He disillusioned me.
What do you mean he disillusioned you?
How did he disillusion you?
Always fucking staring at me
and judging me and berating me.
And it's like,
you get done with your work,
and you just try to relax,
He'll be like, "Hey, Andy,
go mop the floors."
Or, "Andy, go clean
the employee washroom.
I just went diarrhea
all over the motherfucker."
And after a while,
I started to realize
if this is what it is
to be in the workforce,
then yeah, fucking A,
I'm better off being a criminal.
Well, let me ask you this, Andy.
Would you want a dick
in your dinner?
I suppose not.
That's what I thought.
And I-I got to say,
as someone who likes
to order the occasional meal
from a joint like that,
I'm happy to know
that there's somebody there
to make sure the place is clean,
the food's prepared right,
and the employees
aren't fucking the salads.
Guy was just doing his job, right?
Yeah, just following orders, right?
Just-just like you, Reuben,
just following orders.
Right, Andy, just like me.
So I'm a bad guy
because I gamble too much,
but you know what, Reuben?
I've never fucking hurt anyone.
I've never killed anybody.
That's not why
you're a bad guy, Andy.
This isn't even about you
gambling too much.
This is about you
fucking people over.
You know, when people
give a guy chance after chance
and he keeps fucking 'em over,
I mean, pretty soon,
it seems like that bloke,
he just doesn't give a shit
about anyone or anything.
You went to school here, right?
Yeah, here's where
it all started to go to shit.
Believe it or not,
I was actually one of
the smart kids in grade three.
Oh, what happened in grade four?
I'll tell you what
happened in grade four.
Sherry Lewis started wearing
a fucking skirt to school.
And then grade five,
the teacher, Mrs. McDougal,
looked exactly
like Elizabeth Berkley.
Like, I'm supposed
to learn fucking math
when I got Showgirls happening
at the front of the classroom?
Like, please.
I didn't like school.
I just stared out the window,
waiting for recess.
I liked recess all right.
First football.
First smoke.
First goal.
First fight.
First fucking bet.
She's the turquoise one up on the left.
Up next, news and weather.
Bet you any money
she's watching the TV.
Onto the topic
at hand, which is ex sex.
Have you guys ever?
Close, very close.
Grandma?
Hi, there.
My program's over
in five minutes, Andy.
I brought you some chicken.
Don't block my view.
All right.
Just put it there.
Have a seat, sweetheart.
I'm not gonna bite.
I'm okay.
Reuben doesn't like smoke,
Grandma.
I'll just stand here.
Well, go on then.
Have a look.
Well, I just had my lunch
not too long ago.
What is this?
Is this for everybody?
No, Reuben and me
already ate.
It's just for you.
Well, it's too much.
What do you think I am,
an elephant?
Well, I mean, all right,
I'll help you out.
Get your grubby paws out of
there if you've already eaten.
Oh, yeah, it's all right.
I'll have some later
with my peas.
Here.
Put that in the fridge
for your grandma, Andy.
Yeah, sure.
You can keep me company
while he's gone.
I just need a glass of water.
Here, come see this.
Jesus.
She live alone?
Oh, look.
She squeezes
all the air out of it
so it stays fresh longer.
I mean, it-it lasts
for fucking ever.
You want some cream soda?
- No.
- No?
Still got plenty of fizz.
Grandma was right.
Oh, look at this.
Every night, the same thing,
five cards.
She-she never wins,
but she never loses.
She always breaks even.
The woman has absolutely no luck.
It's uncanny.
She's got no bad luck,
no good luck, just even Steven.
And it takes her, like, a whole hour
just to do one of these things.
So, like, she'll do a square
and go have a coffee
and then do another square
and have a bit of cake.
What's going on in there?
Nothing's going on in here.
Stay away from my
scratch tickets.
Christ, how many friggin' cats
do you have, Grandma?
Just the ten.
Just the ten?
Well, I get some of those
neighborhood cats
coming in through
that damn door, though.
What the hell do you need
ten cats for?
Well, they're company.
It's not like I get
a lot of visitors here, Andy.
Your friend's awful shy.
Have a seat.
Honestly, I prefer to stand.
Who likes to stand for a visit?
What do you do at bedtime,
stand like a horse while you sleep?
Hey, Grandma,
do you still have that
Play-Doh barber shop kit?
The what?
Remember?
The friggin' thing
where you crank out the hair.
I don't know.
It's up in the attic there somewhere.
You boys seem a bit old for that.
Well, you can go drag it out
if you want.
I don't care.
Nah, it's okay.
It's okay.
Actually, Grandma, do you mind
if I turn off the TV a sec?
Well, that Touched by an Angel
is coming on.
It'll be real quick.
I just-
It's kind of important.
I don't have any money
to lend you, Andy.
I don't want any money, Grandma.
Okay, fine.
Grandma, I-
I'm sorry that I haven't
been here in a while.
And-no, honestly, Grandma.
I-I just-
I wanted you to know
how sorry I am
for all the things
that I've done.
Grandma.
No, 'cause-'cause-
no, 'cause honestly,
I've done some bad shit.
I'm so sorry, Grandma.
All right, never mind that.
All right.
You were the only person that
was actually ever nice to me.
It's all right.
Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Hey, Grandma, is-
is Miss Manu still alive?
Yeah?
Yeah, she's up on my bed.
She's got the diabetes, though.
Do you think it would be okay
if I went up and got her?
She's very fragile, Andy.
No, I'll be careful, I promise.
All right,
then go bring her down.
Yeah, all right.
I'll go get her.
I'm just gonna get Miss Manu.
Is he in some kind of trouble?
Hello, baby.
Who's a baby?
Are you a baby?
Who is my little baby,
Miss Manu?
Who's a baby?
How's my baby?
Eww, what the fuck happened
to your face?
Are you cleaning
your ears now?
You lived here a long time?
Oh, Lord, going on 35 years.
It's nice.
Cozy.
Do you mind if I turn the TV back on?
No, go ahead.
Do you have any programs
that you like to watch?
No, whatever you want
to watch.
Oh, shit.
I got to-
I'm sorry.
Hey, Andy.
Andy?
Oh, fuck you, Reuben.
Andy.
Fuck you, Reuben.
All right, you know what?
You know what?
You just-
You know what you do?
Just fucking shoot me then.
Just shoot me, Reuben.
Fuck!
Oh, God damn it!
You fucking shot me!
I just grazed your leg, Andy.
Little flesh wound is all.
Jesus Christ!
Oh, fucking pussy fart.
This'll stop the bleeding.
You're lucky
I'm such a good shot.
Hey, go fuck yourself.
All right, Andy,
let's get back to the car.
Oh, fuck you.
Andy.
My grandmother
called the police, okay?
You better get the fuck
out of here, Reuben.
We can do this here and now if you want.
I don't really think that'd be fair
to your grandmother, though.
Do you?
I'd hate for her
to have to see this.
You fucking bastard.
Come on, now.
God damn it.
I made that jump a dozen times
when I was a kid,
not so much as
a fucking scratch.
Well, your body goes to the shitter
the older you get, Andy.
No, I got a fucking curse on me,
born in the fucking curse.
If you say so, Andy.
Let's go.
You all right?
Oh, I'm just fucking dandy, Reuben.
Open up that glove box.
Take one of them
yellow ones.
What is it?
Don't worry about it.
It'll take the edge off.
You got any water?
Just swallow it.
Don't be a baby.
It'll take a few minutes to kick in.
So I'm gonna assume that you
planned your little escape
long before you got
to your grandmother's place.
I've got to give you
your props, Andy.
You handled it nicely.
I mean, not just the weepy bit
on Grandma's lap,
but all the rest of it,
you know,
all the details before.
Any of that true?
You'd think I'd actually steal
from my own
fucking grandmother, Reuben?
I mean, I owe her
a wee bit of money, but...
Is there really a Miss Manu?
Yeah.
She just happened to pass away
when I was 11.
Hmm.
So tell me this, Andy:
if you have the imagination
to come up with all that,
to plan that far ahead,
and to fool a bloke
who doesn't get fooled very often,
how come you never
got your shit together?
I already told you, Reuben,
'cause I'm too far
in the fucking hole, aren't I?
I-I would have been better off
if you just put a fucking bullet
in my head an hour ago.
Do you really believe that, Andy?
You okay, Cleo?
Reuben, she's been asleep
for a very long time.
What the fuck did you give her?
Same thing I gave you.
Half a dose.
Less than half.
A quarter, okay?
What does she weigh,
like, 12 pounds?
No, motherfucker,
she only weighs nine pounds.
- Really?
- Yes!
Only nine?
No worries,
she'll be all right, Andy.
She'll be fine.
Trust me.
What are you gonna do with her?
Are you gonna keep her?
You know, if you were half as nice
to people as you are to Cleo,
you might not be in this jam, Andy.
Yeah, well,
Cleo doesn't fucking judge me.
The cat doesn't look at me
like I'm a hopeless fuck-up.
She doesn't care if I gamble
or smoke or whatever.
Cat's too dumb to do any of those things.
No, she's not dumb.
She's easygoing.
Easy like Sunday morning,
aren't you, Cleo?
You know, Andy,
when I picked up Cleo,
I snooped around your place
a bit, and-and I...
I found this.
Who is she?
This girl I knew.
She's pretty.
Yeah, she is.
So instead of dicking around
for the last hour,
why didn't you look her up?
'Cause she don't want to see me, Reuben.
Trust me.
You want to call her?
You sure?
Suit yourself.
Here.
Take a look in there.
Cake.
Go on, try some.
Somebody took a fucking bite
out of it already.
So?
What, you're gonna worry about germs now?
Go ahead and try some.
Good?
No?
It's nice.
Great, delicious.
A week ago, I never knew chocolate
raspberry truffle cake even existed.
I didn't know some genius
had figured out a way
to make chocolate cake taste even better.
I guess what scares me most
about dying
is all the stuff
I'll never know about,
you know?
I mean, that cake there, that's-
that's just a little thing, but what else?
If you'd died 20 years ago,
think of all the stuff
you would have missed.
You gonna finish that?
No, I'm not really hungry.
You still have a few minutes, Andy.
Yeah, I'd maybe like to hear
some music if that's okay.
Music?
What kind?
Pop, rock, classical, jazz?
Whatever.
Just hit the search button,
see where she lands.
Would go on to be Murphy's only hit.
Reaching number-
Figures.
What?
It's a nice song.
- Nice?
- Yeah.
It's the fucking
saddest shit ever, man.
This shit follows me around
everywhere I go.
What do you mean,
follows you around?
It's all part of my shit luck.
Oh, come on, Andy.
Are you saying that if
a happy song had come on,
you'd-you'd no longer
believe in luck?
I'll bet if Chuck E's in Love
had come on,
you'd say, "Oh, I owe fucking
money to Chucky Edge.
"Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
I must be cursed."
I don't owe money to Chucky Edge.
Well, yes, you do, actually.
But the point is, if you keep
looking for the same thing,
you're gonna wind up
with the same thing.
You-you don't fucking get it,
do you, Reuben?
I'm cursed.
I am fucking cursed.
I really am.
No, I got-I got two kinds of luck.
I've got bad luck,
and I've got fucking shit luck.
The only good luck I ever had
was wasted because of my shit luck.
That is horseshit, Andy.
You can't waste it.
Listen, the guy who
just won the lottery, okay?
He can go back
to the same damn store
and play the same
goddamn numbers
and have exactly
the same chance of winning
as he did the week before.
Random things happen.
Sometimes you benefit;
sometimes you don't.
That's all luck is, Andy.
You really believe that shit?
I sure do.
All right, hit the fucking
search button again.
Fine.
# I can't live #
# if living is without you #
# I can't live #
I mean, come on, please.
It's about a guy and his girlfriend.
Jesus.
# If living is without you #
# I can't give #
# I can't give anymore #
# Well, I can't forget this evening #
# or your face as you were leaving #
# But I guess that's just
the way the story goes #
# You always smile #
# but in your eyes #
# your sorrow shows #
# Yes, it shows #
# Can't live #
# if living is without you #
# I can't live #
# I can't give anymore #
# I can't live #
# if living is- #
Reuben.
No, Andy.
We still have a minute or two.
Any last requests?
Oh, jeez, Reuben, you think
we could go to Walt Disney World?
No.
We could talk about it if you want.
Is that a place you have
fond memories of, huh?
Disney World?
I never went
to fucking Disney World.
You wish you had,
though, huh?
Nope, not really.
Okay, so suppose
that we could go somewhere.
Where would you go?
What would you do?
I've never been anywhere, Reuben.
The only place I'm going now
is straight to hell.
You think there's a hell, Andy?
I sure fucking hope not.
What about heaven?
What do you think that's like?
Sometimes I think I'll get up there,
and they'll, like,
take a look at my file and say,
"Fucking A, Andy,
you got a shitty-ass deal.
You got a raw deal. "
And they'll send me back.
Only this time, I've got, like,
Einstein's brain,
and I look like George Clooney,
and I-I'd use the Einstein brain
to cure fucking AIDS and cancer
and use all the Clooney looks to...
get a lot of pussy.
But, you know,
on the other hand,
they might say,
"Well, hey, you were actually
one of the lucky ones, you know?"
And send you back to live
in some war-torn third-world slum.
No-yes, you're right.
That's it.
With my luck, I'd get reincarnated
as some dirty old bug
that fucking eats shit
for half a day and dies
or, like, one of those fucking
retard inbred dogs
that can barely breathe, right?
- What?
- What?
Your constant bad luck
bullshit is what.
You know, people have wanted
you dead for years, Andy.
Yeah, that's right, years.
I've been making excuses for you
for God knows how long.
You remember when you were 13,
and you placed all them bets
on them college basketball games?
Yeah, March Madness.
Fucking Xavier beat Georgetown.
March Madness turned into
April where's our fucking money.
And they sent me out
to put a little scare in you.
So I tailed you home
after school one day.
You were this little goofball
riding a ten-speed bike
in the middle of winter.
You had a Walkman on.
You were doing all this
dangerous no-hands stuff,
weaving in and out of traffic.
And I said to myself,
"You know?
"I should really do a number
on this little nitwit.
Might do him some good. "
So I-
I pulled up beside you
at an intersection.
I rolled down my window.
You didn't even notice me, though,
'cause your Walkman was blaring,
and the Stones must have
just come on, because you were-
you were singing that opening part
to You Can't Always Get What You Want,
you know, the really high part
with the boys choir?
You were making a terrible
fucking sound, god-awful.
I should have shot you
right there just for that.
But, you know, I went soft.
I couldn't hit you.
I just figured you were some dumb kid
who made a dumb mistake,
and I drove away.
I pretended
that you gave me the money,
and I-I paid it myself.
What?
That was you?
Yeah.
And I...
I apologize for that, Andy.
I truly regret it.
I mean, if I'd...
you know,
done my job properly,
I might have turned you around,
kept you from turning hard-core.
That's why I've been giving
you all these chances.
But, you know, I can only take
so much responsibility.
Right?
I mean, you're the guy
who kept pissing away
chance after chance.
You know, you're the guy
that owes us 68 grand.
I-I understand.
I understand.
But I swear to God, Reuben.
I swear to God, I think
if I had one more chance-
One more chance to do what?
Buy another lottery ticket?
Bet on another game?
No, I-I-
Reuben.
Andy, please don't.
What do you want me to do, Andy,
call him and say,
"Change of plans;
Andy doesn't feel like
dying today"?
Hmm?
It's too late, Andy.
I'm sorry.
Not too late.
It's not too late.
Reuben, I can disappear.
Okay, fine, disappear.
But your head's not gonna be
attached to your body.
Yeah, that's what happens
when you call a bloke
you owe money "Mr. Funny Mouth."
Reuben.
Andy, stop.
Now, I thought we had something
real going here, finally.
Reuben.
No, Andy.
Reuben, please.
No.
Let's go.
Please.
- Don't.
- Come on.
No.
Andy, move your ass.
No!
No!
Fuck you, Reuben!
Fuck you!
You fucking shoot me right here
in your fucking piece of shit car, Reuben!
Shoot me right in here.
Fuck you!
Come on, Andy.
I'm supposed to get a last one of these.
Andy.
Open the door.
I'm supposed to get one last smoke.
Open the door, Andy.
You all right?
Top of the fucking world, Reuben.
Okay.
Reuben.
No, Andy.
Reuben, I-I just-
No, Andy.
Just listen to me.
Andy.
Listen, I really just want
to enjoy the scenery.
I suggest you do the same.
I-I-listen.
No, Andy.
Reuben.
- Reuben.
- Andy.
Reuben, I'm begging you.
Listen to me.
The next sound you make
will be your last.
Don't even do that, Andy.
This is it.
Next fucking sound,
next fucking move,
it's all over.
Take one last look
at this world, mate.
Are you ready, Andy?
I have one last thing
I want to tell you.
Reuben.
Don't fucking interrupt me.
You want to talk about bad luck?
Fucking up your life,
making stupid bets,
stupid choices,
that's not bad luck.
That's just stupid.
I'll tell you
what bad luck is, Andy.
Bad luck is finding out
that thing
you thought was an ulcer
is really a fucking tumor.
Bad luck is realizing that you
haven't done shit with your life.
Bad luck is realizing
what's really important
when it's too fucking late!
Unfortunately,
it's too late for some of us, Andy.
# I can make you scared #
# if you want me to #
# I'm not prepared #
# but if I have to #
# I said I can make you scared #
# It's kind of what I do #
# If you're prepared #
# here's what I propose to do #
# You're in Russia #
# and more than a million works of art #
# are whisked out to the woods #
# So when the Nazis
find the whole place dark #
# they think God's left
the museum for good #
# Make you scared #
# 'cause that's what I do #
# If you're prepared #
# if I have to #
# If I make you scared #
# and you pay me to #
# then that's the deal #
# Now here's what I can do for you #
# Now there's a focus group #
# that can prove #
# this is all nothing
but cold calculation #
# Tests have shown #
# that suspicious or hostile #
# their lives need not be shortened #
# truth be told #
# they can live a long, long while #
# tickled to death by their importance #
# If you make me scared #
# if that's what you do #
# if I'm unclear #
# can I get out of this thing
with me and you #
# And if you feel scared #
# a bit confused #
# I got to say #
# this sounds a little beyond
anything I'm used to #
# Now there's a precious few #
# that can prove
that at the root #
# This is all nothing
but cold calculation #
# Clearly entranced #
# you're leaning back now #
# Defanged destroyer limps into the bay #
# Down at the beach #
# it's attracting quite a crowd #
# as kids wade through blood
out to it to play #
# Okay you made me scared #
# You did what you set out to do #
# I'm not prepared #
# you really had me going there
for a minute or two #
# He said, you made me scared too #
# I wasn't sure I was getting through #
# I got to go #
# it's been a pleasure
doing business with you #
@