"What's New in Love"
Every fucking morning.
-- I heard that.
-- No, you didn't.
-- Yes I did.
-- I did too.
Hey, Sandy, what the hell.
-- Mom!
-- It's just for germs, they're for enemy.
-- Good luck in your test.
-- And I need luck.
-- [Mumbles], Mom.
-- I'm sorry.
Have a great day.
And remember, own your own power.
Powerful Frank can learn.
Sorry.
Don't forget to bring the DVD for my birthday.
I told Lizzie she's not bringing it for show and tell tomorrow.
-- Do I ever forget anything?
-- Just do it! Ok, Mom?
Go!
Welcome to the Frank Magic Jr.
- We have many famous guests. famous. -Well, we're here.
Cute.
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, Molly, Molly. / i
Molly Foster?!
You're a magician. / i
A little magician. / i
Doing Sandy a nice favor.
Molly. Yes, Molly. / I
Oh, my God!
Mom I don't understand why
we have to move into the city?
The city is the center of everything honey
It will be a fresh start.
Dad said that only minority ventured
Capitalists live in the city.
And now we do too.
Are we gonna meet any transvestite?
What is transvestite?
It is a person who has a penis
and a vagina and they live in the city.
That's not what it is.
Okay, guys, it's the place.
I really have to pee.
Can you hold it a little longer?
Welcome to New York City.
We're only here because
our parents are getting a divorce.
stop smiling or
I'm taking you to Oprah.
-- Sadie.
-- You know I've read about this.
It's fairly typical behavior for
children of divorced.
How about taking the bags?
Mommy, check this out! We're
writing our names.
Oh God!
You can't move around for
the rest of your life.
It's only been three weeks, mom.
Give me some time.
Oh, such a smart girl.
She never graduated college,
and you hated her.
But the French, she spoke it so beautiful.
She was from there.
She was a Finklestein,
It is hard not to love a Finklestein.
Anyway, I spoke to your cousin Lou,
and she arranged a job interview,
Women's Center, where she used to work,
Get you out of your punk.
I have a job,
at the coffee shop.
Oh, it's depressing and you're a college graduate, Aram,
for crying out loud.
You'll finally put that Ladies Studies major of yours
to good use.
It's a minor, Dad
and it's called sociology.
BA from Stanford
Journalism from Northwestern.
You do realize that it's
just a stat checking job?
I've been raising two kids, and
I'm divorced.
And I'm sure I'll be good at this
because I'm very organized.
I love sports,
well not hockey, so much.
You see, once the kids were born
I decided to stay home for a while.
Coz you know, babies
take up a lot of time.
Maybe you don't know.
Anyway, eventually they went to school
and I started having a little time in my hands.
And compiled these
stat books,
and made up this graphing system.
Yeah, hmm.
How?
It's time, and a great
satellite TV package.
Aram Finklestein, that's
a Jewish name, right?
What are your feelings
about women, Aram?
Are you kidding?
I think you're great up until...
Recently I was planning on spending the rest
of my life with a woman.
Not that I wanted to spend it
with a man, I just ...
One experience with a woman,
kinda took away my faith in love, and I guess, everything.
Aram, I know you took some Women's studies
courses in College.
But other than that, do you have any kind of experience
that you think might have prepared you for this job?
I used to buy
tampons for my mother.
You will fit in perfectly, yes.
I have met my soul mate.
You met a really hot French girl
who needed a green card.
-- She was so ...
-- Hot.
-- She wasn't that.
-- Sexy.
It was something else. She needed me.
Yes, to get a green card.
There's gotta be more meaning
to it than all of this.
You know living at your parents' place isn't
exactly ... grab a life by the balls you know.
I'm saving up.
I hate to tell you this but ...
you work in a coffee shop.
And your hot French wife
left you for her brother.
Stop it. / i
Can I get you something?
Yeah, this ad says...
you have an apartment for rent?
Yet, ours have a ...
Which I would be happy to show you.
-- Sure.
-- Cool.
[Whispering].
I'm Mitchell, and this right here is Aram.
He's trying to figure out the meaning of life.
He also is a wonderful babysitter
if you ever need one.
Just a break of the apartment.
-- Hey, little guys.
-- Mama, I do not want to live here.
-- I want my room.
-- How many more apartment are we going to look at?
-- I got an apartment.
-- You're fast.
It's not great, but my husband
won't be there so that's a plus.
How are you so well adjusted?
All those years with the PTA, I don't have a choose.
How's the job search?
I got one, fact check for SNN.
You are unbelievable, you're almost fully healed.
You know everyone says what a nightmare it is to get divorced
you're bad, I feel good.
No residual or anything?
This is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Trapped in some suburban hell, same thing
day after day like a
"hamster in a wheel.
Up on your feet, let's ride to happiness.
All you need now to
complete the healing is to get laid.
Oh no, that's one thing
I'm not ready for.
Look I don't expect you
to fall in love with this guy.
This guy?
Oh, no! What have you done?
A chiropractor, who fixed me up with
that whole elevator shaft thing.
Anyway, he smells great, and went
to an Ivy League College.
-- Where?
-- Santa Barbara.
That's not Ivy League.
Well, he's in great shape,
and he has a country house.
And I already told him all about you.
Wait, I think that's the kid
who showed me the apartment.
The one that tried to kiss you?
No, he just works
in the coffee shop right below.
-- Too bad, he's cute.
-- Yeah like 10.
Nice ass, Coffee boy.
Just go out with my
chiropractor, and have a good time
maybe screw him, you know, that's seems right.
Why are you here?
It's been three weeks.
I came to see you.
Have fun.
There's this huge kid,
and he has like so much fat on him.
He sat at me at gym class,
and told me who would changed my name to Pablo.
-- Frankie, that is terrible, are you okay sweetie?.
-- it's Pablo.
and yes, it was fun.
-- So, listen ...
-- Oh, uh.
-- What?
-- Whenever you say, "So, listen,"
is always something strange.
It's not weird, it's just that I'm
thinking about going on a date.
I don't know, what I really want to but I,
I think it will be a positive step for me..
But I just wanted to see how you guys would feel about it..
Are you gonna have sex with them?
That's an inappropiate question..
Hey guys, you know, if we're gonna live in the city,
we're gonna have to learn to deal with these kind of stuff ok.
So just stick with me and be polite.
-- Hello
-- Hi
Thanks you for coming in on such short notice.
I won't normally put you on this type of situation,
without some training,
but we're really in a vine.
-- Whatever I can do to help.
-- Ok, great, now why don't you put your suit on.
And then meet me at the activities room.
-- A suit?
-- Yeah, it's in the closet behind you.
Now try to hurry, self-defense class
starts exactly at 5:30.
Mommy, why do you have to do this?
Because now that we live in New York
we're gonna all kinds of different people.
and we need to know
how to deal with them.
Like the man with the penis?
So you're walking down the street,
and all of a sudden you hear ...
hey, sweet lips, I like that ass.
Hey mommy, why don't you come over here,
sit on my face ...?
Hey, kid, how would like
to make a quick $ 100?
-- Yes, sure.
-- No, you don't kid, you don't want that money.
Self--preservation in
in a city of predators.
That's what you will learn in here.
Let's meet our perfetrator.
Hi
No words perf
unless they're scripted.
Begin scenario eight.
Hey, sweet lips.
Scenario 3.
Hey, baby, that should be illegal.
Mrs. Sanchez, it appears you have
a yeast infection,
and an unbelievable set of tits.
For our last exercise,
I am going to demonstrate
what I call, "Ocean of anger."
Hold on, because we are about to go deep.
All of us as
women have developed
a reservoir of resentment and anger.
And these reservoirs put together
form an ocean,
and this ocean is available
for all us to draw from.
It holds the collective power
of every women,
who has ever been wronged
in an inappropriate sexual remark
being underpaid for a
job you've done better than a man,
ancestor who was a slave.
Or rice picker, or simply
lowman on the totem pole.
A husband who has wronged you,
who has cheated and lied to you,
or you, or you, or you.
-- I'm a lesbian.
-- See me after class.
All of this anger is present
in all of you, right now and always.
I need a volunteer.
Mom!
Don't!
You are going to call upon this history
and unleash the ocean of anger on our perf.
May I, just need a quick bathroom break?
Zip it, perf.
Tell him to zip it.
-- Zip it, perf.
-- Again, good, louder.
Zip it, perf.
Now tell him what
you wanna tell him.
Dirty little fucking scumbag.
take your disease riddled whore
and fuck her in hell
for all eternity,
May the devil burn you,
with hot jagged metal,
and suffocate you with mountain fury.
Now, unleash!.
Oh my God.
Is there a safe word I should be aware of?
Time out.
My life was never gonna be this way
It's okay.
I know you.
I don't see how getting beat up
by a bunch of chicks everyday
is getting you any closer
to the meaning of his life.
I'm helping people,
I'm contributing to the world.
Not like an actor.
Buddy, I reflect life back unto itself, ok?
Thereby, taking mirror,
like a theatre mirror.
-- Look at you.
-- Oh, it's not as bad as it feels.
My mom was sorry she beat you up so bad.
Thank you, Frankie.
Don't worry about it,
your mom didn't beat me up.
I've been going through a lot ...
-- Can I get a blueberry muffin ...?
-- Not right now sweetheart.
I've been going through a lot recently
I didn't realize how much it was affecting me.
-- Don't worry about it.
-- Just saying sorry.
-- I pick it up.
-- I helped.
If palm gets squezzed into it, you could die.
I was wondering
if I could take you up on your offer
to babysit.
If it still holds, that is.
I don't really ... I mean, I haven't you know in a little while ...
I figured since they.
hired at the Women's Center,
You must be trustworthy.
I guess I could pop upstairs
some day after work for a couple of hours.
Would Thursday work?
-- She has a date.
-- With a big pimp.
Where do you learn this stuff?
Olivia at school taught me, she's
my hell, we play .
What ever happened to kickball.
Would 7 o'clock be okay?
Oh, great.
There are times when the lost
must be found,
and other times when the lost
must find themselves.
Very well said Rabbi.
Not that he's a bad little boy
just misguided, falling in with the wrong crowd.
Are you talking about me? I only hang out
with you and Dad?
The battles are not only fought on
the battlefield, Roberto but also in the soul.
My soul is fine. Great.
What does his future hold?
Mom, he's not a palm reader.
A new job is in order.
Luckily, my cousin is a head hunter
are you interested in business, Aram?
Yes
Kids, your babysitter's here.
Come say hello.
Sadie usually goes to bed a bit later than Frankie,
but due to her unscheduled
emergency surgery
she'll be going to bed the same time. - Oh my God.
Are you sure I should be staying with her
after she just had surgery?
This was her surgery.
I told you it was dead
when I found it.
Yes, but I highly doubt
its organs have been harvested.
-- I hate you.
-- Can I play Wii?
For half an hour.
-- You're gonna be okay, right?
-- Yeah
Truth is, I didn't know if I want to go on this date,
it's just my friend, she's kinda
forcing me. Things we need to get with.
Release some tension.
Do I look okay? Everything's in order.
It seems to be.
-- Goodbye, Frankie.
-- Bye.
-- Hey Frank.
-- Call me Pablo.
He also had some cranial seizures as well as TMJ.
So what did you do?
I went right home and I took out my skeleton.
-- Your skeleton?
-- It's really as weird as it sounds.
I have this bone replica skeleton, keep it the house
and I use it to figure stuff out.
This way I can put it in different positions and see how
they affect his bone structure.
-- It's a him?
-- Yes it's him.
Thought it would be weird if it was a her.
That way people might think
I'm seeing somebody,
and it might actually drive away
beautiful women like you.
I'm a mom.
Why did I say that?
It's okay, it's alright, I know. It's true.
You are a mom.
And you are incredibly beautiful.
You have excellent posture.
Excuse me for just a second.
You haven't told me much about yourself. / i
My God.
-- Hello
-- I'm here.
I thought I'd lost you for a second.
No, I grew up just outside
San Francisco.
That's a great town. / i
Do you have any hobby? / i
Just take care of my kids.
No, no, that's not / i
a hobby. / i
I used to like to windsurf.
Longboard? Shortboard? / i
Ocean, lake, what? / i
Lake, mostly lake.
I competed when I was younger.
Competed in windsurfing,
That's impressing.
So?
You ..like the beautiful you, you
You are fascinating.
What's your normal job?
--I work at the coffee shop.
-- I mean your real job?
It was my real job.
but you are in the blowup suit too.
That was just once, I quit there.
-- Didn't you go to college?
-- Yes
I hope I'll have a real job
by the time I'm your age.
Knockout!.
The Pablo man had knocked you out.
So are we gonna have fun tonight
or you're gonna be one of those boring babysitter?
Hey guys, it's me.
I don't know why you're not picking up,
Anyway, I hope everything's okay.
Yeah, ok, bye.
Worried about the kids, huh
My new babysitter have not much experience yet.
I know exactly what you need.
See, we all hold our
tension somewhere.
For you, it's in your shoulders,
and just a little bit in your ass.
There's much experience as I have ...
can tell just by the way
as people walk ...
and even by the way they smile.
No charge.
This thing got my arm.
I'm running through the forest.
Leave me one arm,
please don't ...
I'll get claustrophobic wearing human skin mask.
You couldn't even wear
a hulk mask last Halloween.
That's because it was hot and it smelled bad.
-- That was your breath, retard.
-- Sadie ...
-- Actually ...
-- C'mon, you don't need to do.....
It's 11 o'clock.
Gotta to get you to bed
before your mom comes home.
-- How about the "Exorcist".
-- Okay.
I don't feel so good.
I might throw up.
This chocolate bar is bigger than you
If you're gonna throw up, can't you do it before your mom gets home, please.
I always throw up when mentioning throw up, and before a girl.
I love throw ups.
-- Eew, you love to eat throw up?
-- Sadie.
What?
You're gonna freak him out
you're getting us all in trouble.
You know actually I feels like.., Frankie?
-- That was nice, listen
-- What?.
Eating a raw skinned pigeon
with mustard and rotten milk,
just chewing on those intestines and those little bones..
Okay, off to bed, c'mon ... - Yummy
Touch my cock.
Stop the car.
-- You have a problem.
-- I have a problem?
Thanks for offering.
I'd love to tell you.
In a taxi. It seems like the perfect place.
Hobby
Home making.
How could this happen to me?
Do you ever wonder that?
How could I have floated so far
off the path I thought I was on?
I just thought maybe
it would be some meaning to my life.
I'm not making any sense.
Maybe you'll come back again
Coz I think the kids could really use some continuity.
Shit.
I have no fucking money, can you believe that?
Can I pay you tomorrow?
It's no problem.
Hey it's you, eating a croissant.
French chick must be fading, huh.
-- Don't change the music.
-- What, they're shooting music..oops?
-- What do you think about kids?
-- I think about making them all the time.
-- That's not what I'm talking about.
-- What are you talking about?
-- I don't know, being entirely responsible
for another human being's life.
It's crazy.
-- Aram, aram
-- Mama's dead!
What? -- C'mon.
She's not dead.
It could be postmortem twitch.
Kids fall back.
Hey.
Sandy.
It's morning.
Oh my God, I slept with a babysitter.
You didn't sleep with a babysitter.
We thought you were dead.
Yeah, we thought you might have asphyxiated on your own vomit
Aram can take us to school.
Coz we're already late.
-- Could you? --Sure
Can you pick them up too?
Are those stat sheets ready yet?
Yeah, printer 4.
Sandy, you got a minute?
Am I fired?
What! Why would you say that?
Because ...
I'm so hangover, I guess.
I have two kids and no husband
I haven't had a real job since graduate school. I'm so sorry
Oh, please don't apologize.
I was really calling you in to see
if you wanted to write for me.
I find the guys stuff gets boring and repetitive.
And I saw that stat book you put together, amazing.
Clearly obsessive, reminds me of me
Do you do yoga?
I'll do yoga if I could win.
I'm gonna take you some time.
-- Thanks.
-- Hydrate.
Cool, what's your catch phrase gonna be?
I don't think it's gonna be like that, Frankie. I'm just gonna be writing the basis of the story and she'll fill in the flavor.
-- What about suck it?
-- Why are you such an idiot.
It's just an idea.
That's really exciting though, I mean, and you can even get some airtime.
I don't think so. -That'll be cool, mom.
You have the face for it.
That's a nice thing to say.
"You have the face for it.", hmm, love you, love you, love you
I'm just saying that your mom has a face
to put on TV.
I'm very together, I never
missed taking my kids to school.
You don't have to explain anything, I promise
I know what it's like to go through a divorce.
Are your parents divorced?
No, I am sort of.
You're so young.
When do you have the time?
It was short--lived, her name was Alice,
she left me for her brother. He wasn't really her brother
he was just posing as her brother so he could be close to her
So she could use me to get a green card.
What!? That is horrible.
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
The worst part about it though
is I can't bring myself to finalize the divorce
because if I do
then she'll get kick out of the country
That would be so cruel, you know.
God, I wished I could get my husband kicked out of the country.
It's that bad, huh. --Yeah
-- So sorry.
-- Oh, no, me too, for you.
You know, Aram this has been really hard for me
and with a new job, there's gonna be some longer hours.
And I was thinking, maybe you'd be willing
to help us out on more of a full time basis.
A nanny?
You're not from Trinidad, you're
from the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
Did we send you to college for this, Harry?
You always said
you just wanted me to be happy.
Within reason, this is not how you contribute to the world.
Mom you work for Ralph Lauren.
People need clothes.
This family needs me, she just got divorced
and she got this great job
and she needs someone to
trust to take care of these kids..
Mom it's not like it's forever.
You know, I'm gonna be making money.
-- Harry!
-- Alright,
you're still going out on interviews for other jobs.
And in the meantime you can't keep this for quite a while.
Let me try it, get a job, I'm a freaking racer.
It's not the same thing.
Coz you have to say the freaking first to make it work.
It's much funnier with the freaking, right?
I'm just gonna go outside and grab a smoke.
Smoke? What are they from stone age?
Please for some goddamn God, you got to find something wrong with every guy
Did you see how long it takes
the guy to order a bow wine?
His father owns a vineyard
in Napa, so he knows a lot about it.
Like he mentioned several hundred times.
He mentioned it once.
Who is calling you?
You don't have a life.
It's Aram, he taught me how to text.
Oh my God!
What?
--You have a thing for the nanny
-- Oh, please.
He's just telling me that my kids are asleep.
Kids asleep. Frank to
Frank took two foot long poop, we measured.
It's disgusting.
Just keeping me in the loop and I appreciate that.
It's very funny, sincere.
and besides he's a lot more adult than those guys you've set me up with.
In a 24-year old kind of way.
-- Let me see what you wrote.
-- No, no ...you're not
About to bail on my date, set up monopoly?
This is pathetic. Seriously?
Yeah
Ok, here's the pussy.
I would love you to meet
Sunshine and Cinnamon.
Hi, I am Aram.
They love talking and stuff so...
Try to be normal, alright. Stay positive.
-- Sorry. --Aram, hey.
It's a weird name.
Thank you.
Mitch told me he is divorced.
It's weird, huh.
It's kinda normal to me, you know, it's my life.
So I'm kinda used to it, I guess.
I guess if you mean, it's unusual, then yeah.
We'll talk a lot about this.
I guess.
I love theories.
Make me a little horny.
I think I'm gonna go.
Hey, it's me, what are you guys doing?
We're just playing "American Idol."
That was truly dreadful Aram
Finklestein, awful.
You kinda like a little pitchy in the beginning
but dawg, I mean you put it together in the end,
and man you rocked.
Well Randy liked it, but I still doint' think
I'm going to the next round.
I'm not gonna be able to make it home for dinner tonight.
Yeah, no problem.
I could feed the kids.
You may have to put them to bed too.
Can be a late one, huh
Yeah, a couple of / i
the Vikings player, / i
were charged of sexually assaulting a stripper
I have to come up with something fizzy for the board to leave this. / i
Well, Vikings
have been attacking people on ships for centuries now.
Aram, that's good but thank you. I'll see when I get home okay.
I'm sorry.
God, I can't imagine to be many more days like this.
No prob, there's dinner for you on the table there.
Oh thanks, you didn't have to do that.
Just whipped up on stuff that I learned on Top Chef
The kids helped,
and Frank's pretty good.
Delicious, wow, hmm...wait
I have these two tickets for the fight
on Saturday, I thought you might be able to use them.
Aren't the kids with their dad this weekend?
-- Yeah -- And you don't wanna use this?
My girlfriend's not free and I'm facing another date.
So take whoever you want.
--That's really nice, thanks. --You're welcome.
Hey, I was wondering if you are free this weekend.
Coz I've got these tickets to the big fight.
I hate it when the ref does that.
Why bother having a rest, just let them bareknuckle it.
I can't believe you were thinking of that coming.
Me neither.
I can never be like this with Frank
It was like I didn't even know if I was happy when I was with him
What makes
people do that? Just coast along.
And you know the thing that really sticks for me
is that I never got the chance to
tell him how I felt.
He has this strange ability,
to make me entirely lose my voice.
Like some superpower, it's crazy.
No Voice Man
Steal You Voice Man, Quiet Man
Dr. Silence. - That's a good one.
Hey, Aram, right?
Gile from Roscoe Mathis, I interviewed you.
Oh, yeah yeah. How are you?
Dude, you're the only person that's ever said no to us
most people would kill for that job.
Sorry about that.
Ringside at the fight,
doesn't look like you're doing too bad.
Let me know if you ever change your mind.
--Thanks. --Good to see you around.
What?
It's just an entry level thing.
At Roscoe Mathis? And you
let them go to be my nanny?
Idiotic.
I thought so too, for a minute.
I wasn't really thinking clearly there after Alice.
And suddenly I just had a very clear thought in my head.
What really matters are
the people in my life.
You and your family were, are some of those
people that make me feel good,
make my life good, every day.
That is the most wonderfully
and jaded naive thing I've ever heard..
It's rare to find
a guy who's such a romantic.
Bright light.
Close those eyes.
I'm not tired. --You're really gonna sleep this off with me.
I'm gonna put this here okay.
I really love your kids.
I know.
I had fun tonight.
Yeah...me too.
None of you to call me that word, okay.
It's not a weird word, though
It's just means a "female dog"..
I'm not gonna have semantics today, okay. --What are you doing here?
You know what it means, it's not okay to call me that or anyone else for that matter
You've been in the city for a few months
they're already totally corrupted.
-- Dad's play sucks.
-- Frankie, what happened?
-- Aram!?
-- Guys, careful...
C'mon you late night criminals
Hey, guess what? --You wanna give me a million dollars?
We saw a dead junk on the road.
Oh, even better.
We wanted to touch it but dad wouldn't let us.
You're running a home for delinquent boys.
Aram helps me with the kids, Frank.
The kids weren't here, so what's he doing here?
Can I just explain something to you?
You have no
rights in this house, okay.
I don't like the way this separation is going.
Oh Really?
Well, I'm loving the way it's going, this is exactly how I envisioned my life.
--Noticed how weird this thing was.
-- That's mine.
What I wanna say, it's gonna come out wrong.
I want you back. I want our life back.
Why are you doing this?
The truth is I couldn't handle the kids, I just wanted to see you.
You must missed me, at least a little.
I don't want you here.
Of course, I don't wanna be here.
If you're good, I'll come back and do the grunge.
You can even work if you wanted to.
Part time.
Imagine this..
There are so many things
I wanted to say to you.
We're not gonna need you anymore.
Unless you wanna grab a bite to eat and you can sit, are you on hourly?
I think Sandy had something that she wanted to say to you.
Didn't you?
I just wanted to tell you about some feelings I've been having
you know
regarding you and your treatment with me.
What she wanted to say was...
and, this is pretty much, word for word, if I remember properly
that you're a dirty little fucking scumbag
and I might be paraphrasing here, but you should
take your diseased riddled whore and fuck her in hell for all eternity.
While the devil burns you ...
with hot jagged metal and suffocates you
with molten fury.
Fucking nutheads.
Don't come beg me to come back.
This was the last straw.
That was really good.
And by the way, I never loved you.
And I'm changing our son's name to Pablo
so I'm never have to be remembered of you.
And stuck at your little bitch.
You are off tomorrow, come take me out.
Dude, back in the saddle!
Who's the unsuspecting lovely lady?
--Her name? --Yes
The thing that you will be calling out in bed.
if she's all upon you...
Sandy
It's your boss' name, isn't it?
Wait a minute, are you
gonna date your boss?
Oh that's hot.
Oh, wait no, she's like 60 though, I thought.
She's 40.
But she got like a hundred kids though.
Two
So, when's this all going down?
Actually, tonight.
Dude...
tonight's my showcase.
I sent you a postcard.
Right. It's just that she already hired another babysitter.
Work's been really busy so finding another time would be virtually impossible.
You'll understand.
Welcome one and all to the second
annual Holligan theater, group showcase workshop
I am your host, actor, director, choreographer, Magnus Croom
Thank you.
You are about to see 46
of the most daring
the most empathetic beings in this out fair city.
offering to you, performances from their favorite works of stage and screens.
Please keep your seats throughout.
for there will be no intermission.
Thank you and let the magic begin.
Stella!
Stella!
To be ..
or not be.
That is the question
Whether it is nobler
in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
There he is.
I had him in view.
I was feeling over the edge into a dive.
He saw me when I moved in for the kill.
Is that how you remember it, Maverick?
-- Is this Top Gun?
-- Not pretty sure.
The rules of engagement
are not flexible, Maverick.
They are there for your safety
you will obey them, is that clear?
Maverick!
Yes, sir, very clear.
I guess we ...
I. ..
was just a little over enthusiastic.
I guess you were...
Platoon!
Platoon!
Hey, oh bro, I'm so glad you made it.
I made it... I'm here.
..saw the whole thing.
Even your part.
Was that Top Gun? --You know it was.
We thought you were really great.
I loved your postmodern take on the whole thing
and it was creative how you acknowleged how derimitive it was.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I told you guys...
I told you people would get it.
You gotta go party with us.
I guess in a tree house.
Outdoor shower.
Refrigerator --In a refrigerator?
All over it.
In the display case of the coffee shop where I work.
Don't do that..
The craziest place
I have to say...
on the surfboard, in the ocean.
Sesha buche.
It's really romantic.
Hello, Aram.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately.
Hi, Alice.
I have regrets about, you know, how I broke up with you
I found I have this problem with sex
because I just use it to get what I want and I really think that's what I did with you.
I would love to meet with you,
so we can talk and make some apologies to you.
-- Amends?
-- Yes, amends.
I'm really sorry.
You know, I should get going. I don't wanna keep my sister waiting.
What?
I'm so hot.
So? It was...
Long.
I know, I think that you went to a hotel or something.
Oh please.
Honey, what's with your hair?
What?
Okay, fine.
It was awkward and cute and tedious.
Did you just say cute and tedious?
I mean he's a kid and it was tedious.
Sounds like you didn't give him a chance.
-- Did you even kiss those young, soft lips?
-- We didn't get there.
We went to his friend's acting showcase and to this after party at The Loft
Acting showcase?
But now I need a bath.
Alright. My God
What?
Thanks for babysitting.
Okay.
-- Sorry you couldn't get laid.
-- Shut up.
Tedious. --Just to get rid of her.
It was or it wasn't itt?
Oh wait a minute, not quite so much tongue.
Oh, God.
That's gross.
-- Oh shit.
-- Oh, God.
Frank? What are you doing up?
Was Aram peeing on you?
No!
I would never do that.
Okay, are you sleeping over?
-- No.
-- No.
-- No?
-- Oh, well.
Don't forget your pants.
-- So does that mean you and mom are gonna have a baby?
-- No!
I don't get it you said that spern makes a baby.
Sperm. and it does.
Can we stop talking
about this, please?
I like your mother and I
think she likes me,
and it's all that's important.
You also work for her.
-- Who's turn is it?
-- Mine.
Okay.
Cmon Frankie, let's get off the doughnuts.
How is that possible?
So you like mom.
-- Are you two gonna date now?
-- I don't know.
You don't really know anything, do you?
-- I mean she's kind of your girlfriend.
-- Are you gonna be our new dad?
-- and you'll also be our nanny?
-- Yeah, and what do we call you?
Jesus, I'm not being nominated to supreme court here guys,
I just had sex with your mother.
When I say sex,
I I mean that I gave her
a nice massage.
With spern.
Oh, you caniving little liar. Oh is he
hiding in the hall?
My God, he was.
-- It sounds so dirty.
-- Dirty?
Ok, it's a little dirty
Well you got that out of your system. Now you're free to meet your next real guy.
What does that mean?
What, it means now when you meet a viable man
he won't have to be your rebound.
Coz your nanny was your rebound.
Gives you pleasure to say that, doesn't it?
I'm not sure of buying
that "The Rebound" thing.
Oh what, you're gonna date the nanny?
Was having one night stand with a nanny more dignified?
No, just more practical
Wait a minute.
You actually have feelings for this kid?
Feelings? I have feelings
for everyone.
That's the way the world works.
God, you're in serious justification mode.
Why do you have to be so cynical?
I mean, I don't judge your
blatant disregard's recycling.
This is not about judgment. This is about my friend.
and what is realistic and what is not realistic for her.
It's about me not wanting to see you get hurt.
Happy birthday ... --Thank you.
We get it.
You need anything?
Stop it.
Okay.
So did Aram tell you about this operation I'm having?
-- Harry?
-- No.
They're gonna give me a new asshole.
There are children here.
-- Cool, like from a dead guy?
-- Sadie.
I think they're gonna have just passion ,
one out of something.
Hopefully, it's something elastic.
Awesome.
Excuse me.
This is so ... weird.
My dad telling you about his surgery?
Yeah .. I didn't know they can even do that.
You look really pretty..
No, no ...
-- We are in your parent's house
-- I know.
Where is everybody?
Just a little red, I don't think it's trapped.
Cake time.
This one is just from me.
Gummy bears and hand lotion.
Thanks, Dad.
Please. Open your mother's.
-- No, no, he'll open yours.
-- You're his mother.
Well, you're his employer. I insist.
You'll love it.
It's not fake poop, is it?
-- No.
-- That's for Christmas.
Oh, you have Christmas.
What do we got here.
A human totem pole.
Gotta get you up here next time
I don't think so.
This is great, thank you so much.
-- Good.
-- This is perfect.
Thanks Mom.
-- That was just from me.
-- So nice.
Where did you get these butterflies?
My grandmother gave that to my father and
I think it's time for you to have that.
The message applies all these years later.
Mother's love can never be replaced.
-- Never.
-- Never.
Thanks, Mom.
It's antique.
-- Whoa, that's cool
-- Beautiful.
-- I might throw up.
-- What's the chances?
Which direction?
At least you're, we're in your percentages.
Sing me a song.
No, you go to bed.
Sing me a song, or I'll blow up on you.
When you put it that way.
Let's see what I have in my repertoire.
Blow up.
Stay tonight.
Two Months Later
Are we sure this guy is real? I mean, has anybody met him?
He has no time to meet us, he has high school and all that homework...
Isn't he in a baseball team?
He's just running a little late.
Well, he's definitely responsible for an attitude change, because you
well, you can't just stop smiling.
-- She's glowing.
-- Well, he's doing something right.
I am sorry I'm late.
Babysiiter needs to be walked through everything.
Hi.
I'm Aram.
Sorry, this is Aram.
Would you like a coke or something?
-- Scott.
-- I'll take some wine..
So Aram, I've heard a lot about you.
I hope all good things.
That you're wonderful with children,
that you're a great cook ...
that you were born in 1983.
Jesus! I was pregnant
in 1983.
Let's just go on and get it out on the table, get it out in the open so we can enjoy our dinner.
Yes, I was born in the early 80s.
She also told me that you were very handsome and that seems to be true.
I think that it's great you guys are together.
In the words of The Bart:
"The heart wants what it wants."
You are so gay.
Sir, are you ready?
I can be.
Scott, right? Do you mind if I borrow your glasses?
You know, i'm just kidding, I'm just
Don't you wanna
travel around the world, you know
get crazy, rock Cleveland
do things that people
your age supposed to do?
Rock Cleveland?
Yeah, rock it.
Live.
To tell you the truth this is the most alive I've ever felt.
You're too so goddamn romantic.
What about kids? Kids of your own..
It's not like you're 50.
But I'm an old 40.
What the hell does that mean?
I'm wrinkling.
You have no wrinkles on your face, do you?
You seem to have eyes, something that I really love about you.
I love you.
and when you compliment me I love it, when you compliment me.
You know, I heard you the first time.
I have no idea what you were preferring to.
-- No? You said I love you.
-- I didn't say that.
I'm pretty sure you did.
And I love you too.
Really?
Sorry, but I do.
Just ... take it slowly.
Slowly.
Teram Owens, the man who wore baggage than a first class passenger on the Titanic
Reaching but funny.
T.O. the pig fan of the National Football League
wherever he goes he is surrounded by distinct controversy.
I like it.
Sex really agrees with your creative side.
Are you alright, sweetie? You look pale.
No, I'm just dizzy from following you around.
Well, get that to me, please.
Right away.
Alright.
It helps me think.
We should talk.
I knew this was coming.
You think that books that I read are too juvenile.
I know, it's just I've always liked this stuff..
I'm pregnant.
But ...
I pull out most of the time.
I know you're not ready for this, just wanted to let you know that
I feel the same way from you...
I just thought that you wanted to take things slowly.
I did.
This is ...
big.
Very ... big.
I should've been more careful.
I know this sounds crazy
but I think I wanted this to happen.
What?
You said it yourself you don't wanna just coast
not just coast along but this isn't coasting.
This is a roller coasting.
Oh, my God.
Not Oh God ... this is a good thing,
not the roller coasting thing, that was cheesy but...
having a baby with you that's not cheesy.
I mean ... that's not what I'm saying just...
excited, I wanna be your father.
What?
No, I wanna be a father with you as the mother, that's the important part.
You being a mother.
You know, I thought, I hope that kid is like you
I hope the kid's like you.
A girl with brown eyes ...
or a boy with brown eyes ...
or just any color eyes
Well, it's not the baby's head, not your size.
What about Gium?
For a boy.
Gium Finklestein?
Okay.
What about Ira?
The doctor will see you now.
Great.
Okay so...
So?
The blood work is normal.
In other words, your are healthy.
And that is always a good sign for future pregnancy.
What do you mean future?
I mean, this here is what we call an ectopic pregnancy.
There are any number explanations for this,
it's not necessarily because of your age.
God.
This is something that happens
periodically.
An embryo was formed but it intruded inside the fallopian tube
instead of the uterus.
Sandy, Sandy, Sandy ...
This was crazy.
I mean, what were we thinking, anyway?
You are so young.
God!
You live at your parent's house and technically you work for me
and I was thinking about having your baby?
What is going on?
So you have to know?
Can we just find out?
That is a deceivingly mature thing to say.
Why is it deceiving?
Because you're 25 years old ...
you get drunk off half a beer
and you read the Harry Potter series in your spare time.
A lot of adult read those books.
And besides the way I remembered it, you're the one that asked me out
I appreciate that you feel this could work
more than you'll ever know.
You were such a good person
real special person,
I mean not filing a divorce so your horrible ex-wife can get a green card
What'd be the point?
See, that's what I mean, someone like you
shouldn't be with someone like me.
An old girlfriend with two kids.
You're an ageist ...
Yeah, yeah ... I'm an old ageist.
Oh please, don't patronize me.
I may live with my parents and get drunk off half a beer
and yeah, I admit to being slightly adrift as far in my life
but I'm not a complete idiot ...
I know how I feel about you.
It's you that doesn't know
how you feel about me.
I just wish you had the guts to say it.
You've meant so much to me and my family
but this doesn't make sense.
And what future can we possibly have?
You know what I'm gonna miss the most?
It's you...
Your friendship.
Go! / i
Graduating Class of 2012. --Sadie Pageant and Sadie also received the award for best science project/ i
We need to say a special thanks to you
for bringing us into you homes,
but most of all to those unsung fanatics.
-- Who make us look good.
-- Yeah, we do look good.
-- I'm Laura Rilley.
-- And I'm Scott Reynolds,
TMI coming at you next.
Sandy, you got a minute?
Hello .. hello.
Hello people.
Our illustrious leader, Ken Gordon,
has an announcement to make.
Although change can be
painful, change can also be a good thing
a necessary step in the evolution of
a company, a family like ours ...
From the beginning of time / i
all the way till today / i
there are certain things that
you'll always find.
Now, if you look at the pictures, can anyone see
what they all have in common?
-- Liv
-- There are people in all of them.
Exactly, great answer.
so almost everywhere you go in the world
you're gonna find these little communities of people
just like you guys
you guys are a community ...
your class, your family ...
I just came back from Mozambique.
Okay. -- I've been to the Non Talking Film Festival.
Aram?
You're the only one who gets
gifts from the kids at the end of every tour.
That's probably because
they're so excited, the tour is over.
Good to see you.
I was gonna go get a drink,
You wanna join me?
You know what I actually...
Have plans already ...
I do.
You're impossible.
I've heard that before.
-- See you tomorrow.
-- Okay, have a good night.
Here's to your mother ... the newest and undoubtedly / i
most qualified anchor of the network, very deserving. / i
Thank you.
-- Congratulations Mom.
-- Thanks.
I know your own show is big step up
but I'll miss you.
I will be one studio over,
and I'll come in guesting.
I'm gonna holod you to that.
Gotta use the ladies' room
then we could stuff our faces.
-- Sorry.
-- Excuse me.
Hi
Hi
-- How are you?
-- How are you?
You first.
I'm good, yeah good
Kids are great ...
I just got promoted
I'm gonna start anchoring.
I watched you on TV, it's fantastic.
But that's not a surprise.
You look really good.
I'm 30.
I'm sorry about.. you know.. things
Don't even ...
it was just timely.
Traveled around the world.
-- Oh you did?
-- Never rocked the Cleveland.
but some pretty amazing things happened.
Dad, I told you I could do it myself.
I knew I could do it yourself. I bumped into a friend of mine.
Sandy ... I want
you to meet my son, Zeke.
I met him in Bangladesh
and we kinda fell in love with each other.
It took a couple of years,
but now I'm his dad.
Hi
Hi, I'm Zeke Finklestein.
You are huh?
I'm Sandy.
-- Nice to meet you.
-- Nice to meet you, too.
God, I bet you're an amazing dad.
And his mom?
Just me and Zeke, it's hard to find someone
that's good enough for us.
Right?
And what about you? Boyfriend?
Dating ... wasn't
my thing ... I discovered.
That's too bad.
Would you like to join us?
The kids would be thrilled.
I'm with my parents ...
Oh, you had me so worried, did you fall in?
Mom, you remember Sandy?
How could I forget?
You talk about her everyday.
I was just saying to Aram, you know, if he wants to join us
Oh are you kidding, we would love to, we would love to!
Harry, get up, we're moving.
I didn't do anything.
I didn't say you did anything
I said we're moving tables..
-- Look who I just bumped into.
-- Oh my God!
Look at how huge are,
you, you look like you're 13..
-- I am.
-- What?
I want you guys to meet someone,
this is my son Zeke.
-- You wanna play gameboy?
-- Yeah, go ahead ... take a seat.
Nice to see you. It's been years. --Yeah
We all get older and you stay the same.
Hello. --Hi
What a surprise.
You remember us, do you?
You came to our house, remember?