Grandma!
Who is it?
It's me, your grandson Recep Ivedik.
Password?
Password, uhh... The crops come up to my thigh,
which is a little unfortunate for me...
...since I'd like to show you something
between my groin and knee...
That's last year's password!.
But it's still something
to do with crops, right?
Ummm...,
Before the wheat begins to bud...
...the blind calf... the blind calf...
...the blind calf does not limp!
Ah yes, A blind calf does not limp
before the crops sprout.
Alright alright, let me in!.
Fucking Adriano, Make the pass!
Pissing me off again!
Grandma, maybe instead of playing with Inter...
...better if you chose Manchester...
because they have Rooney.
Oy! You're sitting on
my precious trunk!
Get off!
Get your fat arse off it now!
Get up, get up!
Look, I've brought you
the game you wanted and some flowers.
Come on, why do you
treat me like this?
Why do you always buy me
a bunch of daisies?
...can't you buy a bonsai tree
or a golden coltsfoot?
And where am I supposed to find
a bonsai or a coltsfoot grandma?
You picked these up from the cemetry.
What?
You're breaking my heart!
- Get up from there!
- Take your flowers!
Get up.
Sit there in front of me.
You must never sit
on this trunk.
This trunk, it's what I hold
most precious.
Goddammit, I don't see what's so
precious about it!
You'll see what's in it
when I'm dead, and not before.
This trunk holds nothing of
interest to you anyway.
I forbid you,
and that's that.
I'll die without seeing it.
God, you're such an animal!
I wonder which farm your
parents bought you from.
That's a bit too far.
And no one has any idea what
job you do.
You act like the bigshot
of the neighbourhood.
You beat everyone up.
Everyone complains about you!
You're really bothering me.
Me, I follow a philosophy when it comes to
these matters. Like I always say...
Before the wheat begins to bud
the calf does not limp.
I keep repeating it
so that I can get it into your fat head.
Think about it when you're doing something,
maybe write it on your wall.
Look over there!
Do you know who that is?
That's your grandfather, a wrestler,
a man well-built like a bear.
At the time of Sultan Hamit,
he founded an advertising agency.
And do you know who runs
this agency now?
Hakan, the son of your uncle.
That brat Hakan?
Yes Hakan the brat. You should follow his example.
Why don't you be more like him?.
Grandma, I'm going to
speak frankly.
That wanker Hakan, who can't get it up? I want
nothing to do with him.
I'll never take a share
from that impotent bastard.
Oh, I wish I could finally see you
become somebody.
...if I could see
a nice girl at your side...
When will I see it?
At this rate I'll die without seeing it.
Why, are you gay?
You're a homo?
Listen Grandma,
don't talk so shamelessly.
By God, if you were not my grandmother
I would already have broken your jaw.
You're a bad guy, get lost.
Do you even know
why I called you here?
And why else would you call me?
I'm here now aren't I?
I bought you the game you wanted.
The flowers you wanted.
It's not as though I came empty-handed.
And all you do is yell at me.
I'm asking three things of you.
No more.
Ask away. You always
want something.
You're going to find
a job and work.
Wait wait, let me write this down.
If I don't I'll forget.
May dogs piss on your head!
Come on, make sure you remember what I say.
Tell me.
One, you're going to find a job,
you need to work.
A job, Listen, you're annoying me
with these tales of work.
...you're wasting your time.
Work is not included in
my genes. My DNA is out of order. What can I do?
Two, you're going to get married.
And produce offspring.
'You're going to get married' she says.
It's easy for you to say.
Me too, but for the last
32 years...
I've been using my hand.
I'm bored of it.
Of course
I'd like to have a wife. But how?
Three, you're going to gain respect,
you're going to be a good guy.
I'm going to win respect.
I'm already highly respected,
so that's easy.
In fact, whenever I go out
into the neighbourhood...
...all the people stand up...
straight to attention.
I've told you three things. Don't dare coming back
home without completing them.
Ok, I'll do it.
I'll think of something.
Don't come back here until
you're a somebody. Now get lost!.
Fine, I'll go
do what you want.
I've promised to do it,
but you natter on.
I even bought you a nice little PlayStation
so you can occupy yourself.
Yet you're still on my case,
you don't let me go.
Then why are you still sitting there
like some honoured guest?
Get up, get the fuck out of here!
Oh, you're insults are so painful.
Fuck off!
Get out!
Fine, fine.
I'm going.
I will do whatever you want.
You fucking animal, piss off!
Oh man, where do I begin with this work thing?
God, all I want is to peacefully sit here
in front of this window.
...and quietly watch
the people go by. Now look at me.
I can't do that.
I'll try that.
Hello, I'm calling about your ad.
Where are you located?
Actually, Tuzla is
a bit too far for me.
Can't you come to my house,
in Gngren?
What, how can you say that as a boss?.
...you can't come
to the house of an employee?
Why the hell not? What,
do you hate your employees now?
No, I can't come to Tuzla.Fuck you and your job!
Just because a guy gives employment
he expects everyone to come to his feet.
Come here and tell me which job
you're going to give me.
We're looking for a domestic pet.
Hmm, would that fit me?
I am an animal,
but not domesticated.
No my friend.
No chance.
Not at all.
Get lost.
No way.
That's possible.
Hello!
No it's not Ali, I said hello.
I have a lot of experience.
I am an expert in pedicure.
I cut my own toenails.
And then I lick
the parts that are white.
Me, I don't mind.
I've even licked the feet of women.
Who is it that I'm speaking to?
Who are you?
I give up. Who are you?
It's me that called you.
Who are you?
I'll break your face.
Where are you, eh?
Listen, don't insult me.
Otherwise I'll break your mouth.
I'll insult you even more.
[Enraged] Enough words!
Come on then, come to Gngren,if you want some!
Come on then, come to Gngren!
Come to Gngren and you'll see.
Hello, I'm calling about the ad.
I can't do this job,
I can't. Thank you very much.
I called,
but I can't do it, thank you.
I'm calling about your ad. Apparently
you're looking for someone.
Hold on, stop!
Look no further, I am the one
you're looking for my friend.
Good evening.
I come from Copernicus Pizzas.
As it says on my badge
the pizzas are the hottest in the galaxy.
I've brought a copernicus pizza.
Pizza Kopernik, Kopernik, the
hottest pizzas in the galaxy...
Pizza... Pizza...Kopernik.
Okay, okay, I get it.
Give me my order.
Sorry, that's what
they teach us. Here take that.
You've made a good choice.
Congratulations, you're a smart guy.
Give me.
How much does it come to?
Now you ask, huh?
Let me see how much my boss ripped you off by...
28.70 but for you it's only 14.35.
And why's that?
Well, when I was coming in, you know,
it smelled so good.
And you know I couldn't help myself.
Because I'm a small guy I got scared
when I opened the pizza.
I swear I haven't touched yours,
I just ate the one that comes free in the promo.
That won't do.
I want another one.
Listen friend.
This is my first delivery,
you're not going to make a fool out of me, ok?
Go, eat it if you want. I don't want that,
I want you to bring me an entire pizza.
What, is this half a pizza then?
And what will you do with an entire pizza?
Look at you, you're overeating anyway!
You look like a bear.
What's wrong with
sharing one with me?
Besides, I only brought one pizza.
It's the other one in the promo that I ate.
What's your problem?
Come on, tell me,
what's your problem, huh?
Is it because you're fatter than you are
selfish?
What's wrong with sharing your
pizza with me?.
God Almighty...
Obviously it's because you're so stingy
you ended up weighing a tonne.
Even if you stopped eating for
three months you wouldn't die.
Don't bother giving me the money.
Curse you, you fat, selfish, stingy bastard!
Don't worry about paying, you dirty,
selfish cheapskate.
A selfish cheapskate who doesn't share.
Bastard!
What, are you crazy or something? Is this
how we treat our customers?
What's more,
you ate the guy's pizzas!
But I needed to eat,
did you want me to die?
You're a funny guy.
The man wanted to make a formal complaint.
I had such difficulty dissuading him.
Boo hoo, I'm scared,
I'm pissing myself scared.
I'm firing you.
Hand in your uniform and get out.
Fuck you, I quit.
Here, take this.
I'll have it.
Here's your machine. Whoops, it fell
out of my hands.
- I'll take that.
- Take your pizza as well.
- And take your helmet too.
- Go away, scram!
What kind of guy are you?
Fuck off!
- I'm going to break your mouth.
- Get out of here!
Come my friends, get in single file.
This way my dear.
Now everyone put your hand on the
shoulder of the person in front.
Oy put your hand up, redhead.
Put your hand there.
Good, now you'll stay
in single file. Like a train.
This is Cash Express here.
Just like the Anatolia Express,
I want to see all of you.
Hey, be disciplined.
Look at that, too many calories.
Yes, unfortunately.
After you eat that like an ogre
you won't be able to get yourself up.
Sit in your armchair all day, and wonder
why you weigh a hundred kilos?
Today I get a bunch of donkeys.
What can I do?
Take your bags, give me the money.
You fat bitch.
You gave me too much, take the extra.
I know what I gave.
Okay, I'll put your change
in the tip-box.
Your salt! You forgot your salt.
In the evening, your husband will say
the food has no salt, go away.
Welcome.
Ah grape molasses, eh? Tahini, eh
big boy? Very good.
Motex love... Well, well big boy.
Some man on man action tonight or what?
Where is my squirrel?
Where is my caterpillar?
You're having a mixed salad
this evening? There's a match tonight, huh?
You'll be smuggling some meat tonight?
What meat smuggling?
Yes, you've taken extra large as well.
Isn't this too big for you now?
I heard you had a tiny willy.
Isn't it going to be too big for you?
If not, you could wear it on your body instead.[Laughs]
I'd better pay and go quickly.
Ha, he says he's got a match tonight.
That's 10.70.
But I'll charge you 20.70.
Go on, get out you rascal.
He's having a melee tonight.
Listen, don't use the
menthol flavour, it burns.
And keep your strength up in your dick.
Like that.
[Makes motor sounds] Like an engine.
Ok big boy? Tatak tatak.
Bravo to you.
He lives in my neighbourhood.
He didn't go into puberty until the age of 27.
At 25 he didn't even have a single hair
under his arms, the idiot.
He buys 3-4 packets every day.
You ask him what he does with them?
You ask him, is there a girl? No.
What he does with all those,
I don't know. Probably makes them into balloons
and launches them.
Pear, banana, avocado, aubergine.
Hey, young man.
Yes boss.
Since this morning, all I've got are
complaints about you.
Really?
What complaints?
About everything. Heck, someone even wanted
to beat you up.
Go on, get out of here quick,
and hand in your ID.
I'm firing you, get out.
Listen, it's me who's resigning, ok?
For God's sake... Go on, hurry up.
Go on? Go on?
I'm gonna stuff this leek down your throat.
- Fuck you!.
- I'll make you eat this leek.
Fuck off out of here, you mental case.
I've never seen such a headcase in my life,
what a nutter!.
Finally, when the guy told me
to hurry and all that...
...that made me mad, so I handed in
my resignation, and I left.
Lord Almighty, as if they'll eat up your resignation.
You resign and feel so proud of yourself.
Do you know what you've done?
I'd rather not say what I think of you right now...
I won't let them trample on
my honour and my pride like that, ok?
If you had any honour
or pride you'd still be working.
Alright then, tomorrow I'll try
the medical sector.
Ah yes, you try that.
And see if you can kill anyone while you're at it.
Go on, get out.
Actually, come, let's play a match.
I need to fuck you up at PES
to get you thinking..
At PES?
Come, get up.
You look very sure of yourself.
I am very sure of myself.
I'll give you a thrashing.
Come on then, we'll see who beats who.
Oy, don't put that there!
What does it matter?
How many times have I told you
to never touch that?
That's my precious trunk you're sitting on again,
it's more valuable than you are.
Good God, look at that
you made me spill my soup!
I will kill you, don't do that.
My God, what a tackle, you fucked me over there,
look at that.
I'm gonna waste you.
Go on, start.
Who shall I play with,
which team is that?
You're gonna be Inter?
Good morning.
My God! An enormous buffalo!.
Oh excuse me,
I panicked a bit.
What do you have?
Are you pregnant?
Was it external fertilisation,
what is it?
I'm constipated.
- Since when?
- 7-8, maybe 9 days.
I can't imagine
the state of your bowels!
The smell, the excess gas!.
The stench, it flows through everything.
My stomach is gone!
You've caught a viral trend.
It must be chronic diarrhoea...
Ah, you're panicking, as well you might.
It's a very painful disease.
Look, first the vessels of the
umbilical partition will die...
...and then through that hole they call the umbilicus,
your faeces will emerge...
...that's advanced medical language-
you will better know it as 'shit'...
It will all flow out onto your bed,
like so.
I will recommend
an alternative medicine.
Rectal suppository! It's a good alternative.
You know how to use it?
I know.
Let me explain, so that
everything is perfectly clear.
Everything should be clear to the patient.
If not, we'll end up with people trying
to swallow it with water. Now pay attention
Tell me, what is this?
What is it?
Your view would be from here.
There are two massive butt-cheeks.
Normally they're a bit smaller.
With you they're like this.
Yours are more separated, etc. not normal.
I'll describe it later.
It's like this.
Take some vaseline,
like so, take a generous amount.
Lubricate it well with your hands.
Now, the suppository.
The beginning is a bit rough, but the end is smooth.
You take it, you put the tip here.
The beginning is a bit rough, but the end is smooth.
You take it, you put the tip here
What kind of a man are you,
you crazy or what?
Come madam,
I'm going to help you out.
Help me, so help me!
You should be ashamed to work with
such a pervert as him!
Dear Neriman.
She was putting it all on.
Excuse me, but she had 9 tonnes of
dried shit in her stomach.
She asks us to help, then treats us
so rudely, so perverse!
But you're a rude man,
you're too insensitive.
Alright look, I understand where you're going here.
Take this off me,
there, take my coat.
I'm handing in my pledge
of prostate here.
Take the suppository. I'm handing in
my resignation and I'm going.
Go on!
In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
Let's go.
God I swear I've got diarrhoea
because of the motions.
And the increased atmospheric
pressure to boot, you know.
...it's gonna blow my pants off.
Has it ever happened to you?
No. Never mind, try and forget it
for now.
I'll oversee the economy class section.
And you can take care of Business Class.
Business Class?
Yes, Business Class is upto the curtain.
It's for businessmen.
Ah, on this side of the curtain we have notables,
i.e. businessmen.
Yes, absolutely.
Okay, I got it,
I'll make sure.
Sir, I wish you a good
day. Welcome to Atlas Jet.
Good evening ladies and
gentlemen...
Welcome on board for
flying to the Atlas Jet.
- Your field of business?
- Textiles.
- Very good. Yours?
- Tourism, mate.
- Fine, and yours?
- The food sector.
- Food sector! And you?
- I'm with textiles.
It is said that the two who love textiles
are destined to meet.[Laughs] And you?
- Yes?
- Your job, your occupation?
Why are you asking?
I need to be sure that our passengers
in Business Class are actually businessmen.
I'm a film producer.
Looking at madam here, I can more or less
guess the subject of your films...
Congrats, you are in the right area!
Well, what about you?
Take them off, take them off!
What's your job?
What occupation, I'm just having fun!
Fun? I swear, I'll beat the fuck out of you!
Get in the back! Rude kid.
You're just a slacker. Some kind of
Kargo Koray fan. Get in the back!
Taking up Business Class seats!
Excuse me. We are having
a small seurity issue.
Don't worry Mr. And Mrs. Brown
there is a little problem.
What's your occupation?
Your seatbelts attach
as shown.
Look at the belt it opens
and closes like this.
Look at the belt it opens
and closes like this
It's very easy, no need to explain
over and over.
Our plane has eight emergency exits.
The exits! Everyone turn your heads!
Afterwards I don't want to hear anyone saying
I didn't see, I didn't know.
Here, observe, 2 at the front,
2 behind and 2 right here.
Ah! The emergency instructions.
Don't bother with this at all.
When they tell you to lean forward and
all that, they're chatting shit.
If the plane crashes, everyone
just hug one another.
The probability that we'll all die
is exactly ninety percent.
You have viewing lights above each seat,
don't dare ask me later...
...we're in the dark sir,
call the host for help.
We're showing you,
lights above everyone.
If the cabin pressure should vary,
above your head...
Ah, oxygen! While we are
in the air, if the pressure drops...
...the lid should open,
Where is the compartment?
This is it.
It should open by itself.
Take this, pull back the elastic,
then pull over your head like so.
Make sure you do the kids first. They're
telling it wrong over there.
Make sure you do the kids first. They're
telling it wrong over there.
Life jackets are below
the seats, you can set them to your size.
These are the clips, just clip on them like this.
Two red handles,
ensure you fasten them tight!
Hey! hey! Fuck! Get it off!
Don't tear my hair off!
I was going to die there you know, why don't you believe me?
My head aches due to increased blood pressure,
and my bottom due to diarrhoea, man.
And on top of all that the air pressure!
I swear I was going to explode.
But why did you pull
the strings Recep?
"Why did you pull
the strings Recep?" she says.
How else are we meant
to show the passengers?
Man I'm lucky to be alive.
You see I have two capillaries...
...going from my neck to my brain, both
feeding my frontal lobe...
When the circulation
disappears, I just collapse immediately!
When the circulation
disappears, I just immediately collapse!
Yes, you've been through a lot.
Yes, I know.
You have not attached your belt?
Don't insult me.
Don't insult me.
My family is one of the first
Families of Aviation.
When I was only seven years old,
I was already playing with a force 12-14 G.
I'm very experienced.
Do you know who you're talking about?
My grandmother was one of the
first Turkish women who flew.
She was on a flight with
Safiye Soyman once.
Safiye Soyman?
Who is that?
What a disgrace! You don't know that and
call yourself a flight attendant?
How can you call yourself an air hostess?
You don't even know the first
Turkish woman who flew on a plane?
My goodness!There was even
an airport named after her.
You haven't heard of the Safiye Soyman airport?
But that's the Sabiha Gken airport, Recep,
not Safiye Soyman!
Oh yes, it's possibly a misnomer.
My memory is overloaded.
You are funny.
Ay! What was that?
Dear passengers...
We are experiencing some turbulence.
Please fasten your seatbelts ...
-What's the hell is going on!
-It's just turbulence.
Hold on, I'll ask
the Captain.
It must be the pilot's
fault.
He needs to fly the plane
instead of talking.
Stay here, one minute.
Open up, I want a word!
Oy, come on out! Out!
Nothing is wrong sir, please be calm.
Come here.
What's with the artistic impressions?
Wake up,
You're lost in the head.
Pilot the aircraft properly!
Do not put it into turbulence.
Leave out the artistic stunts and fly the plane properly!
You are on an empty road.
-There's nothing in front!
-Nothing, nothing, nothing!
Look at you! Can't even brush your hair!
You think you're an expert?
You think you're the best?
Just shut up and drive the plane.
Pilot it properly!
You're up in empty space.
No roads, nothing,
just air all around!
Dumb fuck!
Let's see that.
Hmm, they should also give us men
hats like yours.
What happened?
What is it my handsome grandson?
Massage it, gently, gently...
But what happened to you grandson?
Tell me what you have.
It was the atmospheric pressure.
I've got gas in my stomach.
It happens to men
who are working.
Man, I had to submit my resignation
because of these difficulties.
What? What did you say...?
Yes, what else could I do?
But how many resignations, you bastard?
It's impossible to resign
17 times in 20 days!
But what am I to
do grandma?
The sector just doesn't suit me.
The Business Life is not for me.
Look at your Grandfather there! He established
an advertising agency.
The son of your uncle is now
in charge of its operations. He is very rich.
You can go there, I've spoken with Hakan.
Why? What did you say to him?
I spoke with him.
He's going to give you a share.
What?
But you've got no official evidence to prove that I have a share!
We live in a secular,
democratic country.
I didn't ask- did you have the right to? Is that fair?
You'll be the owner,
the partner of the company.
They're waiting for you there. Go now.
But grandma..
please don't send me there.
-Go!
-Please don't send me to Hakan!
-Go!
- Please!
That does it. I've had it up to here!
Just give me the damned address.
For fuck's sake, this will never end.
The way you keep nagging me, you sound
like a Japanese torturer.
At least go and see. If I can't make a man
out of you, I'll die unhappy...
Just give me the address.
Alright. I'll give it to you
and then you can leave.
Give me the exact address then.
-Ok. Write it down.
-It's...
You've forgotten it, haven't you?
How are you supposed to find me
a job with your little brain?
I'm not finding you a job.
I'm just telling to you to get your share of the company.
I really don't want to
go to that knob Hakan.
What? No my boy, you must.
If you don't, I'll never forgive you.
Peace be with you.
Is Hakan the slimy bastard here?
Hakan the what...?
Hakan Ivedik. My cousin.
Mr. Hakan
is in a meeting.
Where exactly can I find
this meeting room?
Thanks.
I'll find it myself.
Do you have an appointment?
Sir, one second please...
My friends,the Japanese are world leaders
in the automobile sector.
If we get this new contract finalised, we will
be the representatives for the Middle East.
You must realise, this is of utmost importance.
The launch date has been finalised,
the cost reports need drawing up.
Heeey! How are you doing,
you wild animal?
So you're a boss now?
A boss, eh?
You've grown up,
and now you make big meetings?
What a big man.
What a big man.
Excuse us friends,
I'm interrupting your meeting...
...but he is my cousin.
We both grew up together
from childhood.
One day he says to me, brother Recep,
I don't feel good...
...he tells me: I am at the age of 18,
but I haven't yet fucked.
Come into my room, Recep.
Then he says,
Wait, wait, listen...
...I'll speak a little less crudely
as there are some girls here.
A few years later, he calls me again, 'My brother,
Now I am 22...' he says.
...and all I've been doing are hand-exercises,
I'm really on fire!
So I told him, alright my son
I'm going to take you to school.
I say school, but you understand,
I'm talking about a brothel.
So I take him to Karaky
and put him into one of the rooms...
I was waiting for him outside the door,
understand?
While I was there,
I heard a voice calling from inside.
'Recep, come into my room'.
Me, I thought it was the voice of the girl,
you know that was 'handling' him, but no!
[Laughs crazily]
- But what is this?
- We are in a meeting.
What, you couldn't do it? Haha!
Your little mushroom locust not up to it?
My dear Recep,
come to my office.
You have an office?
You've become a boss,
now you have an office?
You guys carry on without me.
Ah Recep, how many
years has it been?
Probably 10-15 years.
No way? Yes, it's flown by.
Alright, alright, stop with the small talk,
let's talk business.
Now my dear Hakan,
I believe that my grandmother called you.
No, she didn't call me.
- She didn't call?
- God no.
Alright, I'll explain my dire situation.
I have decided to return
to the field of commerce.
With the 'encouragement'
of my grandma.
I tried my luck,
in different sectors.
I tried the tourism sector, the field of medicine.
Aviation sector, food sector,
and others even...
...but you know the state of our country.
Everyone sticks to one field,
they have training for that...
Everyone sticks to one field,
they have training for that...
...but you'll see 17-18 million
young, hungry, unemployed people.
...At the moment, I'm one of them.
It's true that the market is difficult.
The real sector doesn't want to accept you.
It's not enough.
That's true. Commerce is very difficult.
We are also in a fight.
Difficult. Very difficult.
I've made such an effort.
Thing is, you need to know
someone popular, someone powerful.
Thing is, you need to know
someone popular, someone powerful.
You understand me?
So I've been saying to myself, we have
such a robust company thanks to our grandfather...
So I've been saying to myself, we have
such a robust company thanks to our grandfather...
...Alaaddin Company; which our forefathers
have now bequeathed us...
...Alaaddin Company; which our forefathers
have now bequeathed us...
...they left it to their grandsons,
and here we are.
It's now time for us to step up,
it's time for us to run this company.
So I thought to myself I should discuss this
with Hakan, we can reach an arrangement.
...if we combine my intelligence
with your drive, make a partnership...
But Recep, what partnership?
These affairs are very difficult. The publicity
sector is very different.
Listen to me, boss.
I've been speaking to you gently, have I not?
I tell you that I also have a right
over our grandfather's company.
You are his grandson. And so am I.
Therefore a partnership
is mandatory.
Look, business is not for you.
Me, I've studied for this at university.
Don't make me mad!
Stuff your university up you're ass!
I have a right over this company.
I said nothing about school!
I have a right over this company.
I swear I'll draw a line right here
and take my rightful half!
How dare you not allow me
into my own company?
I swear I'll file a case against you.
And I'll break your jaw before I go.
But my brother, why are you talking like this?
[Shouts in rage]. Shut it!
Don't make me lose it!
Alright alright, my dear brother. Stay calm.
What do you want to do here?
What do I want do here?
What do you think, huh? What do you do?
I'm the boss.
Yes, you are the boss. Therefore
me, I'm the vice-boss.
Is that understood?
Say it now- I am the vice boss.
Say it to me now!
Tell me that I'm the vice-boss!
Come on then, say it.
Say I'm the second in command. Tell me.
You are the demi-boss.
Say it again- I am the vice president.
- You are the VP.
- Ah, now we see eye-to-eye, eh?
Alright, so what will you want,
you know as salary?
Well of course, for now,
professionally speaking...
...money is not a priority,
but since we're talking money anyway..
You know that these days, the average wage for
a man...
...with a family of 4
is around 800-900 YTL...
...so since I'm a family of one...
...I'll have 200 YTL plus tax plus
expenses, and mind, I want full expenses.
I'm going to be using the Metrobus
as well as other methods of transport.
Fine. That's agreed.
I must return to the meeting.
Hey sit back down, idiot. You
can't go back yet.
Aren't you going to introduce me in my
new position to the rest of the company?
My friends. Everyone pay attention.
Come, all of you leave your work for a moment.
Mr Recep here is my new partner.
He will be joining us as of today.
We were here from the birth of this company!
When no one else was!
No one was here!
Only us! Only us!
No one was here!
Only us! Only us!
Our grandfather founded
this company.
He founded it with
only a cart and some land.
He founded it with
only a cart and some land!
But Recep, why are
you shouting at them?
I'm a bit nervous, as this
is my first day as boss.
Excuse me Mr Hakan, but what
will be Mr Recep's position?
Heyyy look here, Clark Kent,
I'll be here in the missionary position, ok?
We haven't finalised that yet,
don't worry it'll be sorted later.
Hakan, you said nothing
about my position...
...as vice-boss!
My friends, Mr Recep is
the vice boss.
He is my equal here.
That will suffice for now.
My brother, I must return to the meeting.
Go! The company needs you!
Go my brave boy! Don't come back...
without achieving your task!
My friends. In my first minute here,
I have observed...
...certain mental disorders.
Now, I'm going to sort
these out.
I'll be back later.
Now I must go and deal with the flow of business.
Good job.
Ugh. They understand nothing about art.
One must have the right point of view with art.
Hey ladies,
will you watch this?
It's quite clear that there is...
...motionblur in
the televisons behind you.
Yes, there is motionblur.
Pay attention to everything,
please.
Girls, the working life is tough.
You might be physically as
strong as a horse...
But you must also
be active, dynamic.
Mad, insubordinate, and solitary.
That's why on these sensory
sensitive televisions...
...the TJK TV horse-racing channel will always be on.
Here, and in the whole building.
...the TJK TV horse-racing channel will always be on.
Here, and in the whole building.
You understand me? Ding!!
The competition has commenced,
dear viewers, I can see.
Yes sir.
The principle is to remain very strong and firm.
Like a horse.
Strong.
You understand?
So go forth, with dynamism, energy,
dynamism, energy, dynamism.
Hop dynamic, hip hop...
That's how.
Hey you, those in the office,
I've got my eye on you.
I will inspect that when I return.
What the hell is that, girl?
Don't hang your personal
clothes here please.
Go wash this at home,
not here.
And you, take all those of your arm.
Why on earth are you wearing nuts?
Why are you walking around
with nuts on your wrist?
Don't you dare respond to me again,
or I'll give you a slap.
He asks me "which position".
Impudent swine. Work properly.
Hang up the phone. Hang up!
We need to make some spending cuts.
Hang up the phone. Hang up!
We need to make some spending cuts.
Before Hakan, the water mill here
was always flowing, always flowing.
But no!!
This is my Grandfather's company.
And there is an economic crisis.
You, do you use
Photoshop?
- Yes.
- Is it version 4 or 5?
- Version 4.
- Well done my daughter.
Work the Layer layer, right my child?
Very good, fatty,
using the Photoshop. Good.
I appreciate your working together on this.
Good partnership.
But you, are you one of
those pirates of the Caribbean?
You think you're a pirate of the Caribbean?
Go cut your hair, or I'll
throw you out.
Go sort yourself out!
Go cut and comb your hair.
My dear, my daughter.
How old are you, child?
Very good, little one. What
do you want to be when you grow up?
But I'm...
Ah, look at my little darling.
She is so small.
Next year come with your fancy costume
on the 23rd April, to the children's party.
You can wear the
Norwegian national dress.
We'll even let you be
in charge for a whole day.
Oy! Go! Get away from here.
You pervert, sexually harassing the girls!
Yes, bravo young girl.
What is this?
Tell me, what is this my dear?
It's a mobile phone? Don't you know
not to keep it so close to the computer!
You're working with equipment
worth millions of dollars.
It might damage the EBS, ESR,
and ASR of the machines.
We tell you at every opportunity.
You still haven't understood?
Look at that! Two employees at one table.
Get lost! Go and find
another table.
Take your notebook as well.
There, there, darling, it was a necessary action
to boost your performance.
Good. Carry on.
Work hard. Good job.
Good, I appreciate your
use of colour. Very good.
So as soon as I found the place,
I went and got hold of him.
I said to him, "Hakan,you can't
manage everything by yourself...
I said to him, "Hakan,you can't
manage everything by yourself...
...at this company
founded by my Grandfather".
He immediately saw the sense in what I said.
He told me, of course, my dear Recep.
You should become half-owner.
He is a man of good faith,
reasonable, but too talkative and unscrupulous.
So now you have a job,
you need to find a girl.
- Grandma, if you don't shut up I'll beat the shit out of you.
- Be decent!
I'm not trying to be rude, but I've
had enough trouble just getting a job.
- Go find a girl right away!
- Come on!
- You'll find one and show her to me.
- Dammit, haven't you done enough?
I want to see a girl.
Just carry on spinning wool,
why are you talking to me about girls?
You will find one immediately!
Don't try to shout louder than me.
[mimics] You will find one immediately!
Don't try to shout louder than me.
-That's enough! You're such a disgrace! Poh, poh!
- [mimics]Poh, poh!!
Look at this rude,
dishonest, impudent lecher!
Where is everyone?
Its not even 12.30, and everyone's
packed up for the day.
Where are the people?
The machines are still on.
These devices are consuming
electricity.
This is the company of my Grandfather,
my Grandfather!
Well done my boy.
Bravo to you.
I congratulate you.
Good boy. Good boy.
Where are the workers? You are the only one here?
Well done.
It's 12.30 Mr Recep,
it's lunch break now.
So why haven't you gone with them,
aren't they your friends?
- No, I don't like them.
- But why ever not?
They're all imbeciles.
Well that's true. Especially the group
in the middle, they are real stupids.
Idiots. So you don't have many
friends here...
No, not many.
- Not many female friends either?
- Oh no, I have plenty of girlfriends.
What? What do you mean plenty, you ugly monkey?
They're on the internet.
They say there are many girls
on the internet, is it true?
It's very true Mr Recep sir.
I need around 1 or 2 girls.
I finally managed to get a job.
Now I'm at the second phase, to get married.
You can easily find them. There are escort agency
sites, dating sites.
What! Shut it before I...!!
I tell you I'm looking for a girl
to marry, and you talk about escorts.
It's impossible!
- Excuse me Mr Recep sir
- How dare you call your future sister-in-law an escort!
Ok, ok. So you want to make a profile
on normal sites.
Go and make me a profile.
Save me from this life.
Here we go then. First, you
need to make a nickname.
- Nick what?
- Nickname. A pseudonym.
- Ah, a pseudonym.
- Do you have one?
Me and my grandfather share the
same nickname: "Bear-strangler".
"Bear-strangler", isn't that
a bit harsh on yourself?
How dare you speak like that
about the name of my grandfather!
A girl must accept me
just the way I am.
The babes are attracted by
my swagger,not my display.
The girl will see that I'm
a Bear-strangler when she sees me anyway.
Ok. Now I have to put
in your hobbies.
My hobbies?
Put down sport.
- At sports, I like horse racing.
- Horse racing.
- Yes
- Any others?
- Close-quarters combat. I can knock people out.
I do it well.
If I hit someone, they just drop immediately.
Ok, so he fights well.
Are there any others?
- I am sensitive.
- He is sensitive.
I am aggressive. I have complexes.
But I am timid as a kitten
when by myself.
Aggressive, complexes,
like a kitten when by self.
Aggressive, complexes,
like a kitten when by self.
- Yes.
- Fine.
And finally, we need
a profile photo.
- Fine, take one now.
- Ok, I'll take one.
Smile Mr Recep.
- Count me down from 3 to 1.
- 3, 2, 1.
- It's ok.
- Is it ok?
- Yes, take a look.
- Fine.
- I'll completet your profile this evening at home.
- See if any chicks have replied yet.
- I can't, not yet.
- Why not?
No one would respond
that quickly.
Look, I'll complete it at home.
Tomorrow you'll have two, for sure.
Yes ok then. Fine,
we'll see tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Ok, now you can call me brother
Recep instead of Mr sir Recep.
- Now we're on a level.
- Ok then, brother Recep...
Hey, I'll break
your arms and your head.
- Didn't you hear? I do close-quarters combat.
- Forgive me, brother Recep.
Brother Recep. Oh brother Recep...
Huh?
What are you doing?
Is this a camera?
Hey, don't come here to chat shit,
can you not see I am busy? I am photocopying.
- I have some good news.
- What's happened?
- I've got you a date.
- Really?
- I swear.
- By God?
- By God.
- Oh my God. I am very happy.
I'm very excited.
I swear to you, I am so excited!
By God! By God!.
I told you I'd manage to get one.
Well done.
Lay it here!!
This is super. I need to go
put myself in order.
But first let's photograph
this moment to remember.
- Ow, what are you doing
- Take that.
- But you've broken it.
- Come, come.
But there is
dangerous radiation...
What are you doing brother Recep?
People will mistake us for lovers.
I'm not doing this
for your amusement.
In fact, all my friends
are animal-types.
This is the first time
that I've dated someone through the internet.
It's nothing to get so excited about.
It will be so good.
The girl's nickname is 'daisygirl'.
Her clothes are pink.
- Let me see if she's arrived.
Has she arrived?
- No, stay calm.
- I just had an explosion of adrenaline.
Look at my mouth and my tongue
are so dry. Look, can you see?
I'm going to get something
to drink. You want anything?
- No thanks.
- Fine, mate.
- Thank you.
- Pardon.
Good day.
Can you give me an Orangina?
- I'm sorry, we don't have any orangina.
- Alright, give me a glass of lime.
- We don't have any of that, sorry.
- Then give me a cup of sage tea.
Sorry, we don't have
any sage tea.
Alright then, give me
one of those mint and lemon teas. Go on hurry up.
But sir, we don't do
mint and lemon tea here.
- Give me an orchid then.
- We have no orchids.
- Not even some boza?
- We only sell coffee.
Ok ok. Give me a Mrra then. Hurry.
We don't have any
mrra sir.
What, isn't this a Starbucks?
You don't have anything. The satisfaction of
the customer is very important.
You may choose from our menu
sir.
- That is all that we sell here.
- Let me see.
The menu is good.
It's a full menu.
What do you suggest?
I don't understand any of it.
Why not try a caramel macchiato.
I'll put in an extra espresso shot.
Why not try a caramel macchiato.
I'll put in an extra espresso shot.
Very well, fine.
Give me a Karamallimohnettu zopressoshotter.
- What a menu!
- Tall-grande-vinti.
What's that sir?
Those are 3 different sizes.
Tall-grenti-finti, that's all I want,
get on with it.
God, do I have to wait
till next morning?
Your name?
What, you need to verify
my ID?
No, not that. I need you to give
me your name...
...so that I can call you
when your order is ready.
I don't give my name
to people I don't know.
It's my rule. Write down
my pseudonym. "Bear-strangler".
Ok then, Mr
"Bear-strangler".
Yeah, write whatever
shit you want.
Excuse me,
could I have a serviette?
- Daisygirl?
- What?
I am "Bear-strangler".
Daisygirl, right?
What daisy? What do you mean?
I am "Bear-strangler".
Pink clothes, we have a date.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'll strangle the bear like so.
You crazy or what?
You animal! Get lost!
God! Oh God!
God no!
Brother Recep?
I've lost an eye.
My eye!
My kidneys!
Oh God!
[shouts wildly]
You want me to blow into it?
My eye! I can't see!
Where am I?
Take me to the exit!
Take me to the exit.
Oh God!
[shouting]
Oh...She burned me Ali Kerem,
she ruined me Mehmet Ali!
You didn't help me out, you didn't
save me. Put some more on my eye.
Ok.
Oh God. That girl pepper-sprayed
me right in the eyes.
And you couldn't do anything...
Some more.
Ok.
She's blinded me.
She made me blind Mehmet Ali!
It's you who wanted the nickname.
But you should have told me you fool.
That nickname is a bit too awkward.
It's you who's so good
with computers.
Alright,I'll tell
you what we'll do.
We'll make a new profile
and find a new nickname.
Do what you want.
They've blinded me.
Oh my eyes are burned, Mehmet Ali!
Is there a film that you like?
We could use the names of your heroes?
- There's a film I quite like, Karate Kid.
- Karate Kid, what's that got to do with anything?
But I like it a lot.
The way they do the moves. [imitates karate]
There's a guy in it, Miyagi-Sen.
Bzzzzzp, he catches a fly with his chopsticks.
- Alright then, Karate Kid.
- Write it in.
Karate Kid.
So we have to write things
from the Far East as your hobbies.
Good, write things related
to the Far East.
Yes, there are quite a few from
the Far East in my family.
- From the Far East?
- We were born in Kars.
But Kars isn't in the Far East!
What, is it in the Near West?
Shithead.
Kars is in the Far East
of Turkey.
Kars is in the Far East
of Turkey.
Do you want me to write
sushi as your favourite food?
Write it. Write whatever you want.
- This sushi stuff, does it taste good?
- Yes. It's a Japanese thing.
Good, write it in.
Write it if it's Japanese.
Ok.
I'm feeling a little better now.
Is the chick coming tonight?
Not this evening but
we'll definitely get one or two tomorrow.
Alright then. I'm counting on you.
If it turns out like the last time,
I'll rip your stupid hair out, do you hear?
I swear I'll straighten
you out.
- Understood.
- Take care. See you.
Ok girls. Let's have a look at
your fortunes from this cup.
There's a saying- you shouldn't trust a fortune teller
but you can't live without one.
Isn't that so, Elizabeth?
Oh I do love you.
- Make a wish.
- That's it.
Your wish will come true.
Look closely now,
I will tell you frankly what I see.
Don't get angry...
Someone has something that is swelling for you.
They've got a crush on you.
Keep an eye out for him.
Look at this cup,
see?
Yes, it speaks the truth.
Yes but you know, my boyfriend
Berkecan he doesn't understand me.
Yes but you know, my boyfriend
Berkecan he doesn't understand me.
He never stops criticising me
and doesn't stay faithful.
I'm really down.
Ok, but why are you talking
like a sealion?
What is that?
Sort yourself out.
- Ok, who's next?
- Brother Recep, you have a message.
Didn't I tell you not to call me
Brother Recep in public!
You have to call me Mr Recep sir.
Say it. Mr Recep.
- Mr Recep.
- Go on, get lost. Go!
Get going.
Give me the cup, Clmentine.
Someone is inflating for you.
Yes, you as well.
I'm afraid it's the same
for both of you. Pay attention.
I'll explain it to you some other time.
I have a little rendezvous I need to catch.
I'll come back soon.
In a little while.
Don't go anywhere,
ok, Elizabeth?
I will return Clmentine.
Brother Recep. Brother Recep.
Hey Brother Recep!
Why the hell are you disturbing me...
...while I'm performing my respiratory exercises?
- What disturbing, you were sleeping.
I'm trying to stay calm.
I'm very nervous,
come with me inside.
What am I supposed to do,
pretend I'm your parent?
- Can you hold my hand?
- Hold your hand?.
- Yes please.
- But you'll look ridiculous in front of the girl.
Just go on, go inside now, be relaxed.
Go sit at table number 12.
Act like you come here every evening
and eat sushi regularly.
Understood. I'll try and stay calm.
I'll act as though I always sit
at table 12 and eat sushi.
- Yes.
- Great.
Stay relaxed and calm.
I'm too nervous. I swear my legs
aren't attached to my body.
There's only ever been two
days in my life when I've been this excited.
The day I first had an injection
and the day I first injected into somebody.
What's with the injection talk?
Perhaps I can make an injection
into the girl after the dinner.
Oh I get it. Ok then,
go on in.
- Ok, ok, wish me luck.
- Good luck.
Yes, wish me luck.
Wish me luck, my friend.
Ok ok, I'll wish you luck brother Recep.
- Peace be with you, young man.
- Come in sir, welcome.
- Are you called Fatih?
- Yes sir, I am Fatih.
A friend of mine has made a reservoir
in my name on table 12.
A friend of mine has made a reservoir
in my name on table 12.
- You mean a reservation?
- Yes, a reservation.
Come, it's this way.
Hold on,
I need to warn you about something.
The rendez-vous with this girl
is very important to me.
This is the first time I've
come to SushiCo.
Whenever I call 'Fatih', you must call me
brother Recep...
...as if I always come here and
as if you know me very well. Understood?
Yes sir.
Then I'll say, Fatih, bring me
what I usually order...
...and you'll say of course brother Recep,
right away...
...bring whatever you can find,
just fill the table up. You understand?
- Understood sir.
- How will you refer to me?
- Brother Recep
- When I say Fatih, come here?
- Brother Recep.
- Well done, my man.
If you make a mistake I'll break your jaw and your nose.
Now piss off.
Bon apptit. Praise God, your hair is like a shoebrush.
- Here we are sir.
- Thank you Fatih.
How many guests will you have?
There'll only be one girl,
how many do you think?
Do you take me for a pervert?
We'll dine face-to-face.
Would you like a cold
drink while you wait for your friend?
By God, that would be good. Good idea.
Bring me whatever you want.
Yes sir.
Hey wait, come back here.
Bring me some bread, some bread.
We don't have any bread here, brother Recep.
What are you saying,
you don't have bread here?
Have I not been your customer
for many years?
Send someone immediately to
the market to get me some.
Right away brother Recep.
Piss off. Dumb bastard.
Telling me he's got no bread.
Here you go sir, your bread...
Thank you my man.
A meal without bread is no meal at all!
- And your wine.
- Thank you.
You've got to taste it first right?
Quality control.
No... not very good. This isn't
the exact flavour I want.
Give me.
No, this won't do either.
We'll try a bit of the white.
Thanks.
I tried it through the nasal cavity,
you see? No, no good, take it away.
This one's the closest.
But still not it.
We haven't found the one yet.
You didn't piss in this one,
did you?
A bit too strong.
Is it Bavarian?
That's the last bottle
in the shop sir, there aren't any others left.
What are you looking at?
What?
Nope, this isn't
the taste I'm after.
The flavour is ok but the roundness
and the body of it isn't as I'd like it to be.
Here, you can take it back.
To be honest, I'm not really
much of a wine lover.
Why do you
keep giving me wine?
Bring me a barrel of beer.
Get going.
God!
Yes sir, brother Recep.
You just force the customer to drink wine.
Just oblige him to drink the stuff.
I'm drunk already,
and I haven't even met the girl yet.
- Karate Kid?
- Yakuza.
Yes.
Delighted.
- The pleasure's all mine.
- But the sweat in your hand...
You should wipe your hand
before coming to meet someone.
How do you find me? Am I
as you hoped?
Do you want me to be frank?
Since we're friends.
You look
a little fucked up.
You're the type that should be left in a scrapyard.
Smashed, crushed, decomposed.
Yes, you might have a good soul.
Yes, it's worth having a good
soul, but what about the rest?
After all, we don't live
in a world of spirits.
Therefore, the external beauty of a woman
is also important to me.
I don't understand you Karate Kid.
Oh you'll understand,
you'll get to understand.
- Yes that's it, bring it here.
- And this is Wasabi.
Look Fatih! You're swimming
in dangerous waters!
- Oh you are funny, Karate Kid, that's for sure.
- Very well.
- So do you like sushi a lot?
- Yes, that's true.
Me too.
For me, it's a way of life.
I can say that I've been
a fan of sushi since the age of three.
A way of life, a philosophy of life.
Let me share an anecdote with you.
When we first came to Istanbul,
I was an only child in my family.
It's why I became so whimsical,
and I never used to eat anything but sushi.
Every morning I needed to eat two Nigiri sushis
to wake myself up.
My mother used to work
in the clothing sector.
In the mraniye neighbourhood.
I will never forget that day in autumn...
...when my mother returned home,
with a bit of bread in her hand.
We were quite poor
so she put...
...two california rolls in the bread...
...and some tempura ebi...
...and we shared it amongst
ourselves and ate it.
I always feel bad when
I remember it.
I always reminisce about those days.
Today I am able to
dine on king-size and...
...queen-size plates.
I've now ended up, after all that, in this good situation.
My mother used to feed me every
morning with Wasabi.
I used to eat so much of it. That's why
I am so robust.
She used to feed me morsel by morsel.
She put a lot of effort into
bringing me up. My dear mother!
My mother!
You see this? This is what the Japanese call
butter.
I eat this every morning.
Look, I spread it onto my bread,
you see?
I take a bit like this.
Then I spread like so.
But be careful! Wasabi
is quite spicy, it might sting.
Spice doesn't affect men like me,
by God!
What's wrong?
But I told you
the wasabi is quite hot, didn't I?
Put some sushi in your mouth.
It will reduce the stinging.
What, this?
What the hell is this?
Nothing, it's just
raw fish. What do you think?
- Raw fish?
- Yes.
What's up with you now?
Go away.
Go to hell!
Disgusting! How much did you eat?
You might as well have eaten the whole
restaurant! You overgrown oaf!
Go to hell!
I am extremely sorry,
forgive me.
Damn your sushi and your wasabi.
Go to hell!
Let me go to the toilet.
Oy! Look me in the eyes when I'm speaking to you.
Look at what happened to me because of you.
The only thing I've never eaten is raw fish
and thanks to you I had to go and eat it.
But what did I do bro?
All I did was to wish you good luck.
Is pepper spray
my good luck, huh?
Is raw fish my good luck, heh?
[mimics] "All I did was to wish you good luck."
"[mimics] I wish you good luck always brother.
Anything for you, anything for you brother."
-"The girl will be like turkish delight, like turkish delight" .
- But she was!
You half-breed Quasimodo.
Just go do your job and ring bells.
Idiot.
You won't find any bitches on
the internet, it's all bullshit.
We need to go direct to the source.
Therefore in order to find chicks
we must go to places in high society.
Yeah right? And where would that be?
- Yoga for example.
- Yoga?
- Yes, Yoga.
- We're going to do yoga?
Yes we'll go to a yoga class.
You'll find super-hot chicks there.
Fine, take the photo quickly,
then let's go for a drink to clear our heads.
Then we'll go yoga.
- Ok, but brother Recep you're blocking the light.
I'll break your jaw first
then we'll see how I block the light.
You'll be seeing stars and angels,
they'll be saying come, come to us young boy...
...come to us young one, come...
Ay!
Hello? Is no one here
to serve customers?
Welcome sir.
How may I help you?
I'm sorry, I didn't see you come in, love.
I've come to join the yoga class.
Very well. We have a
session beginning in half an hour.
What kind of yoga would you like to join?
- What kinds do you offer?
- We have Feng-shui yoga and Tai-chi yoga.
In that case, I'll choose Tahsin's yoga.
- Are you going to wear that?
- Yes, of course.
I've been wearing this since primary school.
It's high quality genuine, not fake.
I see. Very well.
You may go in if you wish,
my colleagues will assist you.
Cheers.
Good day everyone, welcome.
We are going to learn
the philosophy of yoga to begin with.
Peace be with you, master.
Let's all do our yogas nicely,
and start up social relationships.
Shit, everyone here looks like
a corpse. Why the hell did I come here...
Shit, everyone here looks like
a corpse. Why the hell did I come here...
Here, please sit down.
One second, I'm
sitting down. Thank you Master.
In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
Let us greet our new friend.
Ok ladies, yoga is
the art of relaxation and enlightening of the soul.
Is this man always relaxed like this?
Yes, Master Nilgun is always a
calm and relaxed woman.
Yeah yeah, all I see is an idiot.
Where are you from young boy?
Yeah yeah, all I see is an idiot.
Where are you from young boy?
First, we'll begin by
relaxing our muscles.
Our first movement will be the lotus position.
Master, don't chat shit, this is just how we sit
cross-legged at home.
No sir, that
cross-legged position you refer to...
...is how the tribesmen of
Central Asia sit.
The Lotus, however, is one of
the principal positions of yoga...
Master, don't try and fool us
with all this talk of lotus-motus.
For centuries everyone in
Anatolia sat like this and never once talked about lotus.
Never mind sir. Now let us move on to
the second movement.
Shivava.
Hold on, this is something else! Just one second
Master, excuse me.
Why are you trying to make us get into these
positions, talking about Chiwawa-miwawa and Central Asia?
This is just the position kids get into
to play leapfrog, Master.
Stop talking shit,
what Chiwawa?
It's just the good old leapfrog
we're playing here.
Please, do not interrupt sir.
Master, I don't mean to interrupt, but look
at the state of this Irish boy next to me here.
My God, never again, I must repent.
Oh Lord above, my dear prophet.
Look at what they're forcing us
to do to 'relax' us.
For fuck's sake, this perv's just making us bend over
to look at our asses.
Is this how I'm supposed to relax, Master?
This is too uncomfortable,
how are we supposed to relax like this?
My arms are shaking all over.
Never mind, ok then. Let's return
to our lotus position...
Never mind, ok then. Let's return
to our lotus position...
...and do some meditation
to calm ourselves down.
God, she keeps putting me from position to position
and expects me to stay calm.
Now let's close our eyes...
...and imagine
we're in a forest.
Imagine the birds around us...
They're closed Master.
The butterflies, the flowers,
we are experiencing serenity.
The butterflies, the flowers,
we are experiencing serenity.
Let's sleep.
Let's relax.
Sleep.
Silence.
Forgive me, Master,
I fell asleep, excuse me.
And let us release the evil spirits within us.
And let us release the evil spirits within us.
Let's release them.
Excuse me master,
you're sure you want me to release them?
Release...
Let go of the bad.
What the hell are you doing?
You said let go of my demons,
so I did just that.
Don't say oof-poof,
you've been doing it since the beginning of the class.
You were releasing it onto the mat.
I could hear you from here.
What kind of guy are you, as soon as
your friend gets caught, you start going oof poof!
Enough, that's enough!
Get out! What kind of a dirty man are you?
I swear to you,
you'll regret this Master.
You think you're good or something? Look at you,
with your white hair,
You think you're good or something? Look at you,
with your white hair,
You look just like Adnan Senses,
it doesn't suit you at all.
You know nothing about yoga,
you know nothing at all!
Me, I learned yoga from a real master.
I got privately tutored
by the 14th dalai lama in person.
Stop talking about master-hasters,
dalai-malay...
Or I swear I'll introduce my shoe-sole
to your face.
Or I swear I'll introduce my shoe-sole
to your face
What dal-lama are you talking of?
She's talking to all of you.
Didn't you hear, she said there
are 14 'dal-lama' [Turkish for pricks] in the class.
Look,two, four, five,
fourteen.
Get out!
Piss off, you Gandalf-wannabe.
Come on Scottish boy, let's go.
Piss off, you Gandalf-wannabe.
Come on Scottish boy, let's go.
Stand up, let's get out of here. Are you with me
or not Scotty?
Let's leave you Scottish bastard.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Fuck you.
Look at the state of this place.
I can't tell whether
this is a yoga class...
...or the morgue of Sisli-Etfal Hospital!
As if I'd find hot girls here!
Go on, have fun with these balls.
Get out!
Shut the hell up!
Hey Hakan.
Can I come in? Thanks.
I am in disagreement with
the office workers.
I decided to get your advice.
Should the photocopied documents
be in Times New Roman...
...bold italic Verdana,
Tahoma bold, Arial bold italic...
...or bold underlined or
Times New Roman?
What on earth
are you on about Recep?
Excuse me Hakan sir, what shall I do
with these blank invitations?
Fuck your
blank invitations...
We're discussing something important here.
Piss off! Get going.
I saw you at your desk,
flirting with the tea-trolley man!
What were those invitations for
my dear Hakan?
Those were invitations for the grand launch
we've organised for the Japanese.
And tell me why, oh Hakan, I didn't
also receive an invitation?
They're not for you Recep.
What would you do there anyway?
Forget it man, the Japanese
would just be chatting nonsense there. What's more, it's an unnerving atmosphere.
- Why? I am the vice-boss.
- You'll need to wear a tuxedo as well.
What makes you think I don't have a tuxedo,
shithead?
- You've got a tux?
- Of course I have.
- A dark coloured one?
- Very dark.
Fine, then. You can come as well.
Good, may God be with you always.
You are an intelligent man.
- Can I bring a friend?
- Yes.
- He has curly hair, will it be a problem?
- You can bring whoever you want.
Thanks. May God be with you.
Do we have add a "please call back"
to these invitations?
No.
Ok, thanks again.
Good, I'll see you there.
Don't work too hard, you're looking tired.
You look like a raccoon, a raccoon for goodness sake.
Isn't there a better quality shop
than this? This place is quite crap.
Listen, you won't find any better
than this. We're in Modesan after all, you know.
This is my friend Metin's shop. One day,
Metin will make it real big, he'll be the market leader.
Hey hey, my man Recep.
Welcome back.
Peace be with you brother Metin.
And also with you my dear friend.
So how can I help you?
Bro, let me lay it out for you-
I've gotta meet some Japanese...
...so I'll need a smart tuxedo, that'd
suit the atmosphere.
Let me tell you something.
I swear you're one lucky man.
We couldn't tailor such a suit
even if you gave us a year to do it.
But I've got a Japanese suit,
with some designs on the back.
Try it on, you'll see.
When you enter that room,
even if there are one and a half thousand in there...
...all eyes will be on you.
- Alright give me it, I'll try it right away.
- As you wish, right away.
- My friend here also needs a costume.
- As you wish, right away.
- My friend here also needs a costume.
We need to also
find him a good design...
...otherwise he'll feel left out,
unfortunate wretch.
Sure. There's a lot of
clothes here my boy.
It's all on me by the way. Hakan's paid me
my first salary, 200 TL.
Wow, wow, wow. This is one top
class jacket...
Wow, wow, wow. This is one top
class jacket...
Wear it with joy.
Bro, it's texture is excellent,
but isn't it a bit too glossy?
Oh no, not at all. There's nothing else
more original.
Look, it fits
you perfectly.
- Brother, I don't think it's so good...
- And why would you say that, idiot?
You know nothing about fashion.
I am a fashion expert.
Yeah, what do you understand about the world
of fashion? Imbecile, Imbecile!
He is the expert on fashion.
Metin brother, get him out.
What an idiot. What kind of clothes
he wears, no fashion sense at all.
But this is today's youth-
all ignoramuses. Never listen to them.
Look here, this emblem on the chest, this is
the badge of the Prime Minister of Japan.
Turn around. See, the same on the back.
Everyone is going
to be awed by you.
You be sure you wear it to the ball.
Oy lanky, come here.
Now piss off.
Look at her walking in front,
trying to show off.
You know, the jacket didn't look
great in the shop...
...but in here it looks really good on you.
Look kid, I told you, the man was a
fashion guru.
The guy told me: "the material might not
look that great here,..."
"but when you go to that party,
it'll soak up all the ambience and electricity there...
...and shine it on their faces".
- He was right.
- Of course he was right.
- Would you like some?
- We would. What is it?
- Canap vol-au-vents, sir.
- Canap?
Look at the size of the canap,
but then look at the size of my buttocks.
How would this size of canap
ever fill me up?
Even if you considered just one of my arse-cheeks,
the canap would be nowhere near enough!
Take one.
I'll take some.
- Tastes real good.
- Yeah. Let's try this one as well.
- Your health.
- What is this?
- It is caviar, sir.
- What the hell is caviar?
The eggs of fish.
May God punish you for what you've done!
Piss off! Making us eat the dirtiest part of
fish, we spent a million dollars on catering in this party!
Piss off! Making us eat the dirtiest part of
fish, we spent a million dollars on catering in this party!
- The most disgusting part of the fish!
- What are you doing bro?
You don't expect me to eat
the shit of fish now do you?
Sir, they wish to thank you for
this marvellous, wonderful reception.
I'm the one who should thank you.
You came a very long way. Thank you.
Hi l am very big fun of yours.
When your player for the Gullit? Gullit?
Hi! Mrs. India!
where are you yaaa?
- Are you mad?
- For the Kenya?
Meto! Meto! Look!
Look at that man.
It's the logo
of our organisation.
Yes. yes.
That guy must be the underworld boss
of the Middle East!
It must be him for sure.
Sir, they are very interested
in that man over there.
They say they would like
to make his acquaintance.
Recep. Recep. Over here!
- Me?
- Come, brother, come.
What's up Hakan?
These are our Japanese clients,
they wanted to make your acquaintance.
Hiroshi, Makato, Meto.
Nice to meet you Meto, pleasure to
have met you also Makato...
And same to you Hiroshi.
I really like the Japanese.
These are very respectable people.
Very bold men.
You know, I actually speak Japanese very well.
Don't fuck me there, fuck me here.
What if these guys understand Turkish...
Look, here's another one.
Shoved it in too far, had to withdraw.
Ah yes, of course you'd laugh like this.
This is
turkish comedy. Turkish joke.
You three are great guys,
I respect you very much.
You are most welcome in our
country. Welcome my lions, my bulls.
Sir, they are asking for your
permission to go to the bathroom.
They may go, but translate this well: tell them to
aim properly ok?
I don't want to see any splashes on the sides.
Remind them to lift the lid too.
Bruv, you're turning this place into a
stable. What are you playing at? Oof.
What do you mean, this is called human relations.
Mutual human relations.
This is an international language, man.
I showed them my warmth, affection, my friendliness.
I showed them my Turkish side.
What nonsense are you talking, Recep?
These are not your close friends.
The situation is awkward enough already.
Excuse me, but the situation is awkward
only because your party is like my ass.
I'm sorry, but you've organised this party
like a funeral home- it's a disgrace!
Look, I've spared no expense,
I even got the best DJ.
Everything is perfect, man.
A real party wouldn't be like this.
The DJ, the atmosphere wouldn't be like this.
You should have left it to me,
entertainment, that's my job.
I'm begging you Recep, please don't do anything.
Please, just stay aside.
Ok, you just enjoy yourself...
Where's the DJ's cabin? DJ!
Excuse me bro, does your
music setup...
Excuse me bro, does your
music setup...
...have a USA memory card slot?
- Yes sir.
- Where my friend?
- Here.
Ah yes, it's a very beautiful slot.
Very beautiful.
- Oh God! Look they're towing away a car!
- Where?
Look over there, they're towing
a car away, is it yours?
- I don't know, I'll go see.
- Go on, have a look idiot.
They're taking your car.
What an idiot...
His IQ is zero, and still dreaming of DJing, huh.
Alright, let's see.
Music out, the other CD in...
Dance! Dance you pussies!
YEAAAH! This is real fun.
Sir, they cannot accept the campaign
launch in October.
Sir, they cannot accept the campaign
launch in October.
They say they cannot sign
to these conditions.
But we've already discussed the
terms of the agreement.
Why have they changed their minds now?
Ask them.
Come on, my son. Do it for me.
Come on, my son. Do it for me.
Please go and shut him up.
Come on, come to daddy...
Run to me my boy.
Mr Recep sir, a little quiet, please.
There's a meeting going on inside at the moment.
If there is a meeting, you should have
called me as well, my friend.
Sit down, sit down, it's alright. These Japanese
kids are really respectable chaps.
What's going on here then Hakan?
- We are in a meeting right now.
- So why didn't you call me?
- Aren't I the vice-boss?
- Look, everything is already messed up as it is.
- What the hell's happened?
- They don't want to sign the agreement.
What, these lot, they're refusing to sign?
Don't worry, I'll sort it.
Stand aside, stay back.
What seems to be the problem, fellas?
Takashi, Makat? Hiroshi? Huh?
What the fuck is your problem? You
think you're good now or something?
Huh? Have you come all the way here
to play around with us?
You bastards, you've been eating
and drinking our food for three days...
and you're staying free of charge at
a top hotel, thanks to this boy!
These guys have been working on this deal
for four months!
So what's your friggin' problem?
Be real men.
Be real men
and make sure you don't piss me off!
I swear I'll smash your skulls,
I swear it by God!
I swear I'll shove my shoes in your face,
so don't make me mad!
Look, he's my cousin- anything you do to him,
you do to me.
In my opinion, I think we should sign.
Quick, quick, he's the mob kingpin...
...we simply must sign right away.
Get on with it, translate what I said,
they have ten seconds to sign.
That's it, now we're in harmony.
You see, if we can apply like this
we can have harmonisation across all of Europe.
If you wish,
we could have mutual relations.
We could meet many times,
we could even go see you in Tokyo.
You could come here too, we'd arrange marriages,
get some new relations between our families.
Is that ok, Hakan?
They signed,
I'm not dreaming am I?
- Yes, of course they signed.
- Recep, you're a genius.
Idiot, don't make daft gestures.
Bruv, these guys are giants in their sector, market leaders.
We've got them on our side.
If it weren't for me you would have humiliated us
in front of these giants. World giants!
Move your arm idiot, do you want to get it broken?
Keep working hard, son.
Move your arm idiot, do you want to get it broken?
Keep working hard, son.
Send my shoes to my office afterwards.
Is that really their signature?
It is my utmost pleasure to invite
to the stage, the owner of the Alaaddin advertising company,
The company that signed the biggest advertising contract of the year:
...Mr Hakan...
Hakan Ivedik.
Bravo boss.
Go forth my lion, my lion!
Thank you very much.
It's so good to see you all here.
Our company has become
a world leader...
...in a very short amount of time.
But the real architect of this achievement
is my brother, my cousin...
...my business partner, Recep Ivedik.
For this reason, I think that
Recep Ivedik should be taking this stage instead of me.
Recep, could you please come up here...
No Hakan, no, sort it out yourself,
don't get me involved in this please.
Please Recep, don't disappoint us.
Let's all give him a round of applause, for encouragement.
Stop clapping! Don't applaud!
I said stop clapping, idiots!
Thank you, thank you so much.
May God be with you all.
- Wait till I....
- AAAAHH!!! GOD, GOD, a dead cat! A dead cat!
By God, I'll break your mouth.
Excuse me.
And here he is, Recep Ivedik.
But what the hell should I say?
What the fuck am I going to talk about?
Just talk about globalisation,
about the economy, come on you'll be fine.
Alright then. Get lost now.
Yes, I greet you all with respect.
First of all,
I must say it surprises me...
First of all,
I must say it surprises me...
...to see so many bigwigs in Istanbul.
You're all like beads on
a string. Be like real men, why don't you.
I would like to tell you a bit about a philosophy
which I've followed since childhood.
The grasshopper and the ant.
The grasshopper and the ant
were in the field, when...
...the ant said "Listen well my son,
because...
...of global warming caused by globalisation...
...the dollar will surge
and the price of a barrel of oil will fall."
"So be clever
and work hard like a man".
The grasshopper responded,"What the hell do you know?
You live under the ground.
You live in a little hole,
all you do is carry the shit of people...
...to your house.
Why should I listen to you?"
"You swim in people's saliva
as though it were a swimming pool, get lost!".
The ant replied, "We will see later."
And then he left.
The winter came, and one day the ant was having a sex party in his house...
with about 25 of his friends,
boys and girls, they were having a fun.
When suddenly someone knocked at the door.
He opened the door, and saw the grasshopper there,
dishevelled and exhausted.
"Do you remember," said the ant "in the summer
when I spoke with you in the field?"
"Would you be kind enough to give me some rice
and a box of butter" asked the grasshopper.
The ant replied "But you are truly
an idiot...
...a dishonourable wretch."
I warned you, he said.
"Remember, when I was carrying a sunflower seed on my back,
I warned you didn't I?
...I warned you didn't I!" he said.
"If I hadn't I wouldn't...
...I warned you didn't I!" he said.
"If I hadn't I wouldn't...
...get this angry, you bastard!"
The grasshopper replied:
"What the fuck are you shouting for?"
Don't piss me off,
I'm really not in the mood for it.
The ant replied: "Get the fuck out of here,
or...
...I swear to God I'll call the raccoons."
"You fuck off!" said the grasshopper.
He grabbed the ant's antennae,
and broke his hind leg...
...there was a terrible fight,
with blood flowing everywhere.
It went on till the evening.
Anyway, I don't know why I told you all this,
but in the end, to conclude...
...as they say, the seals are very
lonely.
In short, I feel most aggrieved.
In a world where we lose 45cm of glacier ice every day
from our planet, damn it all...
In a world where we lose 45cm of glacier ice every day
from our planet, damn it all...
I'm telling you, it's fucked up...
All fucked up I tell you.
I have one principle.
Listen well; before the wheat begins to bud
the blind calf does not limp.
I salute you all with utmost respect.
Take the photos.
Son of a donkey, you've been using my
phrases again?
But those words are mine grandma...
Oh yeah?
Before the crop begins to bud
the blind calf does not limp...
...that's my words.
God, it's so difficult to satisfy you.
Look, I've bought you a PlayStation 3.
Ok, you got me a PS3, but I want a high
definition TV as well.
Alright, I'll buy you a television
in high definition.
Good. And what
have you done about your girl problem?
One thing at a time, grandma.
I can't do everything at once!
When are you going to get married?
When will you find a nice girl?
When are you going
to show her to me?
I'll show you the girl
when I bring your television.
Come, let me fuck
you over at a game of PES.
Quick, get over here. You've spoken enough,
that'll do.
Alright, let's play on the PS3.
Let me just install it first.
Ok, but we'll see
who's going to get fucked over by who.
Maybe I'll fuck you over twice and
you might once.
Get a move on.
- Why the hell did you bring me here?
- Golf is a way of life, man.
It's time for you to learn new things
like this.
Is this game based on
elik omak (turkish cricket)?
Not really.
Let me just show you how it's done.
Now look, the feet should be
parallel to the ball like so.
Like this?
No, no not like that.
Turn them a bit this way.
Like this?
No, no. A bit more to the right. Parallel.
Like this, huh?
Yeah, that's good. Now bend your thighs
a little.
Ok.
Good. Splendid.
Oh, you mean the shit-taking position.
Well, not quite. Ah.
Raise your chest a bit more.
Keep your chest upright.
- What the hell are you doing?
- Recep, a bit higher.
Oy! What the fuck do you think you're doing?
I'm just showing you how, man.
How can someone try to fuck their own cousin
pretending to teach him!
Recep man,
I'm just trying to teach you to play golf here.
You brought me to this quiet field
to teach me golf...
...but all you're doing is trying to forcefully enter my anus!
You worthless prick!
- You might as well take me into the forest while you're at it!
- Look, people are staring, keep it down.
Move the fuck away!
Get into your little green square!
If you think you know so much,
just do it yourself. For God's sake!
Just watch me, you idiot.
What happened there, heh? Huh??
Shithead, what was that then?
My grandfather was one of the best golfers around,
he used to play on a horse.
Like this, on the horse,
he used to throw it like this, from the horse.
This game was passed down from our forefathers!
I'll be at the 14th.
I'll wait for you there.
I've been playing for eight years,
and I've never hit it as far as that.
I can't believe it.
I will never play golf again.
What are you doing?
- Move the fuck out of the way!
- I'm trying to take a shot here.
- Stand aside my friend.
Does this field belong to your father or something?
My friend, are you looking for a fight?
- Just get out of my face
- Just fuck off to the side!
- We're playing golf, can't you see?
- My car needs to go through here!
- Calm down bruv.
- Alright, I'll smash your head with this lever.
I swear, I'm going to break your mouth with this
lever! By God I swear!
- Recep, what are you playing at, man?
- What, what? What's your problem grandad?
Recep man, just leave it.
We're on a golf course, what are you doing?
I've told you politely!
I'll just split your head in two, like this.
But bruv, this is a golf course.
You can't fight here.
You think you're a hero or something?
Sorry.
Mate, I'm in deep shit
with my grandmother you know.
-Just because I look like this, don't think I've got it easy.
- Grandma's really old though...
She might be old,
but her brain functions really well.
She just keeps yelling at me, find a job, find a job,
get respect, get respect...
She just keeps yelling at me, find a job, find a job,
get respect, get respect...
And now, get married, get married.
I'm under huge pressure you know.
Bro, everything'll be fine.
One day, a girl will turn up and you'll get married.
You know, it was your help that I
managed to get a job.
The same goes for how I gained respect.
All that's left is to find one girl,
we need to find a solution.
Don't worry about it.
- You like the tomato?
- Very nice. Is it a village tomato?
No man, it's not from the village,
it's organic, organic.
I paid 35 TL (~20) per kilo for them.
I always eat organic food.
Man, if you had brought a swiss-knife or something,
we could have cut it into pieces.
What do you need a swiss-knife for?
Rid yourself of these posh tendencies.
You just take the tomato
and put your fist in, like this.
That's how it's done.
Here.
Oy! What is this? This?
Sorry.
Go play somewhere else!
Go, move to another field!
Calm down.
We're having a nice picnic here and you're chucking balls at our heads!
If it comes here one more time,
I swear I'll cut your balls off!
I swear I'll just chop them off!
Piss off!
Are you crazy?
Stop making hand signals from there!
You'll get an egg chucked on your head, I tell you.
I'll lob tomatoes on your heads!
Don't make me mad!
- Ali Kerem?
- Yes, my dear.
I'm having a birthday party this weekend.
You coming?
'Course I am,
I wouldn't miss it.
It's a fancy dress party.
You have to wear peculiar costumes.
- Yeah I will.
- Fine, see you there.
Oy, look, I'll come as well, yeah?
I'll come, yeah?
- Brother, shall we go?
- She didn't invite me.
- There'll be some interesting girls there...
- Look man, I'm not invited.
- So what, we'll still go.
- But she didn't invite me to the party you idiot.
- Whatever man, we can still go.
- Why the fuck are you rubbing it in?
Fucking rubbing it in my face,
just because you got invited and I didn't!
Fucking rubbing it in my face,
just because you got invited and I didn't!
- We'll photocopy an invitation, don't worry.
- Shut up, don't come near me.
Curly haired monkey!
Not only did you force me to come
to this party uninvited...
...but you make me come disguised as a bunny rabbit.
Where's your head at, idiot?
Don't get angry man.
You actually look quite cute in that.
Oh Lord God, for the sake of the prophet, give me patience...
Look, go and chat with those girls.
There's so many of them there.
- Where?
- Over there.
- Those are girls?
- Yeah.
These things you call girls, all I see is an elephant,
a monkey...
...and even an orang-utang!
So what, and you're a rabbit.
You'll get along just fine...
I'll just give you a slap across
the face and you'll see how fine I am.
Get with the mood, man.
Be a bit more sociable.
Shut up idiot, don't try and teach me how to be
sociable. I know how to start my own relationships.
Hey you, you're Snow White?
Listen, make sure you don't eat anything
that witch is gonna give you, understand?
Don't forget, if she tries giving you
an apple, it'll be poisoned.
Observe carefully the source
of the fruit.
Oy, I'll smash your face in and take your eyes out!
I saw you in that film.
I know what you're up to!
Madam, I'm in a spot of bother
with this costume...
...would you please be able to
measure my blood pressure?
- Ok, I will.
- Go on.
- Very high.
- Very high, isn't it?
- Your heart's beating real fast as well.
- It must be because of the watermelons.
Can you measure my
other pressure as well?
Do I have to tell you where to measure that pressure from, eh?
Two cheddar cheese toasted
sandwiches, and a small cup of tea.
Go on, quickly now!
Hurry and bring it to me.
Give unto Caesar what belongs to Caesar.
Get the fuck out of here, knob.
- Your costume really suits you.
- Thanks, yours too.
You're a genuine ass-giver, right? Piss off!
How dare you punch?
Piss off, twat.
Fucking nuisance.
Mona Lisa?
Mary Claire?
Marilyn Manson?
Marilyn Monroe.
It's true you had an affair with Einstein,
isn't it?
-No, no.
-Is it true
he fucked you?
Aren't you ashamed of yourself, walking
around like a clown? Piss off, get lost.
Look at him, pervert.
Trying to get close to Marilyn Monroe.
Ahaaa! So an American wrestler, huh?
If it's American wrestling you want,
that's what you'll get, son!
I can take anyone!
Ooof, I swear I can't take any more of this.
Where's that bastard Ali Kerem?
Where is that kid?
Mummmy!!! You fucker, I ought to break your jaw.
I'll smash your jaw, I swear!
Bro, why are you hitting me?
It's me.
Why the hell are you trying to scare me?
What's to be scared,
my costume's like this.
Idiot, you don't need
to wear a costume to look like a monkey...
...you're face already looks like a baboon's.
Shithead.
How's it going, Ali Kerem?
Love your costume.
Thanks.
- Your costume is really nice too.
- Thank you, may God be pleased with you my child.
- What is it? A grizzly bear, isn't it?
- Does this look like a grizzly bear?
Look what I've got on my head. Look.
Two long ears on the head.
Look at my buttocks as well,
look at the fluffy tail.
Look, my palms are white as well.
Where the fuck have you ever seen a grizzly bear like this?
I'm sorry, but
when I saw your face I thought you were a bear.
Shut the fuck up!
Shut it!
She looks at me and thinks
I'm a bear.
When I saw you, I thought
you were a retard. You dumb fuck.
Look at her hair,
looks like a friggin' table lamp.
We might as well put on a couple of candles
to light at night. Retard.
Get lost, little girl!
Disgrace! Disgrace!
- Calm down, bro, it's ok.
- Animal!
It's Grandma. Open the phone cover.
My hands are full. Open it.
- What?
- Hello Recep, it's me your grandmother, your grandmother.
- Yes grandma.
- There's too much noise.
I can't hear you.
Where are you, you good-for-nothing?
Grandma, forgive me,
I'm in a costume party.
I'm here with my future wife.
Her family organised it so we could get to know each other.
- The girl's whole family are animals.
- I'm not well at all, I think my time has come. Hurry.
- The girl's whole family are animals.
- I'm not well at all, I think my time has come. Hurry.
- Where are you?
- I'm on the way to the hospital, my son.
-Which hospital?
Which hospital are you going to?
- Which hospital, child?
- Numune Hospital.
- She says we're going to the Numune Hospital.
Ok, ok, hang up, I'm coming right away.
I'm coming immediately.
Bring my future daughter-in-law, son, my
daughter-in-law.
- Lie back madam.
- Shut the hell up!
Bring my future daughter-in-law,
otherwise, I'll never forgive you.
Fine, I'll bring her.
I'll bring her to you, grandma.
Please don't worry, just make sure you get well.
Alright, close the phone.
Never mind Recep, keep talking my boy,
I'm using the nurse's telephone.
The bill will go up her ass, not ours.
- Madam?
- What?
- I'll take my phone back please.
- You can't have it.
It's just 2 or 3 lira credit, why are you
so worried, you she-devil?
- Bruv, what happened?
- Something really bad, man.
Where's Hakan?
Take this shit off your face!
Walking around with a 'Z' across his face.
I'm telling you, something bad's happened.
They're taking grandma to hospital.
- Alright let's get going, quick.
Yes we must go urgently.
But I also told grandma I'd bring my
future wife with me as well.
- Shit, where'll we find a girl now?
- No idea.
We need to go there with someone we know
and trust.
- Yeah.
I've got one or two ideas, Ali Kerim.
- What's that then?
- I've got a very excellent idea.
Hakan, come with me.
My boy,
what on earth is that thing you're wearing?
Grandma, I'm now with high class society.
This is a sign of richness.
To show their wealth, they cover the whole body with fur.
Hakan, Hakan, what is that costume you're wearing?
Have you joined a religious sect?
Hakan, Hakan, what is that costume you're wearing?
Have you joined a religious sect?
No grandma, they gave me a cloak
because I was feeling a bit cold.
My son, have you brought me my daughter-in-law?
Grandma, when have I ever let you down?
Come on Gran...
I always do what you ask,
so of course I brought her.
Come here my dear,
let me introduce you to my grandmother.
Come my beautiful, my love.
- I hope wou get well soon, grandma.
- Ay, what is this, what an ugly girl!
Is this the best you could find, my son?
Oh well, she might be a bit ugly, but what could I do?
It's love...
and love can land on a piece of shit and still affect the heart.
- But this one is even worse than shit!
- Bruv, I'm starting to take this seriously...
- Don't call me 'bruv bruv' in front of grandma.
Otherwise I'll punch you so hard you'll
fly into intensive care.
Isn't that so my love?
Oh my darling.
My son, I want you to do one last thing.
This is my last wish.
Tell me grandma, I'm always ready
to do whatever you ask of me.
- You know that mahogany chest, my son?
- Yes, I know it.
- You know that mahogany chest...
- Yeah, the mahogany chest.
My God, the poor woman has passed on!
Grandma! Grandma...
Ah, she came back.
- There's a mahogany chest, my boy...
- Yes, the mahogany chest, I got it.
- That mahogany chest, my little Recep...
- I know, I know, tell me the rest of it!
- That mahogany chest, my little Recep...
- I know, I know, tell me the rest of it!
Lord Almighty! She keeps saying mahogany chest and
goes to the other world without managing to finish!
Lord Almighty! She keeps saying mahogany chest and
goes to the other world without managing to finish!
Grandma! Grandma!
Look, she's back again, she's alive.
- The mahogany chest...
- Look, I swear I'll stop the serum now...
...tell me quickly what's in that mahogany
chest.
Ah my little Recep,
you know, the mahogany chest...
I got it Grandma,
there's a mahogany chest!
Finish your sentence
for the love of God!
I hope it goes up your anus!
You see, she insulted me.
She made her last joke,
she's attached the mahogany chest to my ass and left for the hereafter.
By God! Stop staring,
quickly, go get the doctors!
Doctor! Doctor!
Isn't there a doctor around??
Come on doctor,
see if you can save her!
Are you going to
save my grandma doctor?
Are you going to
save my grandma doctor?
What a bastard.
He must have crushed the poor woman.
God.
Hey, does it smell of feet?
No.
Ah, my dear grandma...
She was always sitting on this sofa...
She was always playing PlayStation here.
You know, she was always looking out for me.
She was always playing PlayStation here.
You know, she was always looking out for me.
She always desired me to be successful.
The poor woman, she didn't
have a single tooth left in her mouth...
... she used to speak
'bob, bob, bob'...
just like a chicken, sitting here.
Look, she made me write down a list
of the things she wanted me to do.
I found the job.
And I got the respectability.
But now I have no need to
make a family.
In truth, my grandma
was my only family.
Don't talk like an idiot, Recep,
are we not family?
- Who are we? What is your surname?
- Ivedik.
- And what's mine?
- Ivedik.
We are the Ivediks.
No one can hold us back.
We'll manage the company
together.
I'm always at your side.
End of story...
Don't bullshit Hakan. I don't
want to hold you behind.
No, my dear Recep,
nothing will happen to us, don't worry.
Yeah bro. It's exactly like he said.
I'm with you too.
Easy, easy.
Eat slowly!
Eat slowly, you animal, you'll die!
Don't put it there, move it!
Putting the dish on the mahogany chest!
Putting the dish on my grandmother's
mahogany chest!
- Sorry.
- Shameless dog!
You curly-haired wannabe clown!
- My condolences.
- Thank you, thanks for your support.
Thank you. Thank you.
That's a very nice scarf.
My condolences.
Thank you. Thank you.
Same to you. Oy, what's your height?
- Thanks. Say hello to brother Mehmet from me.
Say hi to your son.
My condolences.
Thank you. Amen, amen.
Thank you my dear aunt.
My condolences.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you all.
Is that a noise? Oh right, were you here?
Sorry, didn't see you there.
Thank you my dear. Thank you.
Oh God, my God.
- Thank you, dear friend.
- If you're ever in need, please give me a call.
I'll call you. Don't worry.
- My dear Recep.
- My dear Hakan.
Go on holiday and get your head back to normal.
- You can come back to company whenever you want.
- Fine, thanks.
See you later.
My God!
This is a house of mourning!
My God!
This is a house of mourning!
This is a house of death!
All they did was sit here...
and eat the sweet dish,
and then fucked off like a herd of buffaloes.
Just leave me alone,
leave me by myself.
I'm suffering!
Oh my Lord.
What the hell is this?
Look at that,
she did it to me again.
My poor dear.
God Almighty.
What gave you the idea to take a photo like this?
I don't understand it.
Where on earth did you get this taken?
Who took this photo? I don't get it.
She must have forced
the women in the neighbourhood...
...to take the photo.
Surely, nothing else
could have come out of this chest.
When I asked what was in it...
...you always answered, you'll see when I die.
What was in it?
You'll see when I die.
You've done it again.
You've made me laugh again.
I'm going to miss you a lot.
You left me so many tasks...
And now you've left without seeing them accomplished.
My poor, dear grandmother!
It makes me laugh every time I look at it.
What the hell are you doing?
The girl is a savage.
Bro, why are you trying to get with a girl
you don't know?
She's an Indian beauty...
I know what you're thinking...
- Thanks.
- Piss off.
Next.
Wait a moment.
Peace be with you.
What are you moving out of the way for?
Good evening ladies and gentle...
Good evening ladies and gentle...
A grandfather with a white beard:
come here my child, come here...
Don't laugh, don't laugh.
Sorry, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable, it was too high...
Come on say it.
Fill in the blanks, come on!
Well done. Very good.
Oy, get this pipe out the way.
Lift me up, lift me up man.
Where'd it go?
I won't go if
I'm not invited.
Come on, let's go.
I'm coming too, right?
- Let's go.
- I told you I'm not invited!
I'll take a shit right in
your mouth.
You neither bring me a bonsai,
nor a golden coltsfoot...
- Ah yes.
- I swear I'll...
We're playing for money, right?
Yeah, for money.
Makes no difference. Oh my God!.
God... the sofa.
I always said that you were a bear.
What a bear!