The West is big and gaudy
The laws are very few
A man can do the living here
That he hankers to
Now everybody has a gun
That's their calling card
And even when they're having fun
they never drop their guard
For our entertainment
the barroom is the place
Every man's a king of hearts
every girl an ace
That's why we wear the minimum
red garters, hooray
And to see the maximum
they come from miles away
With a whoop and a holler
and a dime and a dollar
I'm a lucky son of a gun
Wherever I go I guess you know
I tip my hat to none
I'm just a rolling stone
I wander on my own
And always take my own advice
I've traveled every trail
and never been in jail
'Course I deserved it once or twice
With a whoop and a holler
and a dime and a dollar
I'm a lucky son of a gun
Wherever I go I guess you know
I tip my hat to none
Kind of crowded, ain't it?
And when I leave a town
And get to bedding down
I kind of wink up at the stars
Nobody knows my name
They only know I came
And drank my weight in all the bars
With a whoop and a holler
and a dime and a dollar
I'm a lucky son of a gun
Wherever I go I guess you know
I tip my hat to none
I tip my hat
to none
-I got you, stranger.
-You sure have, bub.
-Hey, where is everybody?
-They're up at the big doing.
Big doing?
Big doing?
Yeah, Robin Randall Rest In Peace Barbecue.
-That's nice.
-I got to stay home.
I'm being punished.
And just for shooting up the schoolhouse.
That's too bad.
Hey, mister, who you gunning for?
Why, bub, whatever gave you such a notion?
You're talking to the kid that shot up
the schoolhouse, remember?
Think I don't know what it means
when a guy wears his six-gun slung low...
and tied down, like you're doing?
Come on.
Come on, boy.
Whoa!
Horsie, whoa!
Whoa, boy!
Steady now. Attaboy.
Attaboy. He'll be okay now.
If you went to all that trouble
just to make my acquaintance...
I assure you, you wasted your time.
Nothing will come of it.
Why, ma'am, I didn't make your horse
act up that way.
-That was Comanche's idea.
-Who's Comanche?
Comanche is my horse,
only he don't know it.
He thinks he's people, and he hates horses.
-Your horse hates horses?
-Yes, ma'am.
In fact, he's the kind of a horse
that if he was a man...
he'd be a horse thief.
So, if you don't mind, ma'am...
I'll just ride along with you
and catch Comanche...
before he gets into some bad trouble.
I guess you had better.
I don't think
we've ever had a horse in our jail.
Okay. Come on, boy.
-It sure is nice to see you again, ma'am.
-Thank you, stranger.
To see me again?
When did we ever meet before?
We've never exactly met before,
but I've sure enough seen you an awful lot.
-When? Where?
-All the time.
Every place I go. Inside here.
Where do you come from, stranger?
Where you going? Why are you here?
I come from all over,
on my way to everywhere.
-But first I've got a little job to do.
-What sort of a job?
You know, in the spring,
in the Osage country...
millions of flowers grow in the fields
and they're all the color of your eyes.
You talk real nice, stranger.
Ki-yi, big doings
had a killing
Lost a villain
Robin Randall is
Mr. Randall is dead
Hallelujah
Where he went is so remote
Hallelujah
He won't need his overcoat
Ki-yi, big doings
Folks are buzzing
by the dozen
And the scandal is
Robin Randall is dead
-Yes, sir, it's a lovely day, isn't it, folks?
-Yeah!
Yeah. There you are, Robin Randall,
right where we want you.
Belly-up and with your boots on.
Yes, sir, it sure is a lovely day.
And smell that barbecue.
Come on back here! Where're your manners?
You might at least wait till we finish paying
our final respects to the guest of honor.
-Hurry it up, Jason.
-I'm hurrying. Give me time.
If I got to make this speech,
I don't want to make it just for myself.
Now, if we had a preacher...
I suppose he might try to intercede for
Robin and get him off with a light sentence.
I, being merely
an attorney-at-law, however...
can only plead him
guilty of every sin in the book...
and throw him on the mercy
of that higher court...
from the judgment of which,
there is no appeal.
-Jason, that is very nice.
-Thank you, Rafael.
In a way, Robin has really
fulfilled a lifelong ambition.
Because besides being a bully,
a cheat, a coward and a horse thief...
he was also a claim-jumper
and a land-grabber.
Robin, now you got your land,
six feet of it...
all to yourself!
Now, we're gonna leave you,
Robin Randall. We're gonna....
Jason...
aren't you satisfied
with one funeral at a time?
Anybody who rides with Susana...
without getting my permission
is begging for trouble.
He's a stranger, Jason.
He doesn't know any better.
What's upsetting you, ma'am?
I think you'd better go look for Comanche
before he bites somebody. Goodbye.
-Giddyap, boy.
-Thanks.
-Wonder who the stranger is.
-Why don't you ask him?
It's obvious to me, stranger...
that you are unaware
of the true nature of these proceedings.
We're not dedicating a monument.
We're merely planting a scoundrel
by the name of Robin Randall.
There's no reason for you
to unnecessarily expose your naked skull...
to the wrath of the elements.
Down here in Limbo County, California...
we remove our hats for very few things
and he don't happen to be one of them.
Look, mister, no man tells me
what to do with my hat...
unless he's man enough to wear it.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I don't think there's room
for more than one body in that grave...
and he's being neglected.
So now we leave you, Robin Randall,
resting in the bosom of the Earth...
the surface of which you've
so long desecrated by your presence.
The line for the barbecue
forms at the right...
after which there'll be athletic contests
and games of skill for one and all.
-You care to join us, stranger?
-Be happy to, ma'am.
Howdy, stranger. My name is Billy Buckett.
I know it ain't none of my business,
but ain't you the fellow--
You're right, Billy,
it ain't none of your business.
My name is Carberry. Jason Carberry.
I want a word with you about
that young lady you drove here with.
I plumb forgot to ask her name.
Her name is
Miss Susana Martinez De La Cruz.
-Thanks.
-You're welcome.
I was about to warn you.
We got two kind of women here.
She's the kind we tip our hat to.
I got sense enough to know that.
Say, didn't you forget
to mention some little thing...
about the man you just buried there?
Like maybe he was kind
to small animals, or something?
The only animals
Robin Randall was ever interested in...
were the ones he could steal,
such as horses and cattle.
Was that ever proved against him,
or am I supposed to take your word for it?
Stranger, I'm not in the habit
of having my word doubted.
Jason, go get me a plate of barbecue,
will you? I'm starving.
For you, my love, anything.
By the way, my name's Calaveras Kate.
-I don't believe I quite caught yours.
-I don't believe I quite threw it.
That Carberry sure enough
plays the field, doesn't he?
You notice he didn't tip his hat, though.
Look, you.
Out here we've got a triple standard.
Like Jason said, there are two kinds
of women but only one kind of man.
Very convenient for men.
-Yes, ma'am, it sure is.
-Well, it's been nice.
You'll be moving on soon,
won't you? I hope.
What's the matter, ma'am?
You afraid Carberry might do something
to make me shoot him?
As a matter of fact, yes.
But I wouldn't like it even if he shot you.
There's been too much shooting hereabouts.
-Appears to me like you're interested in him.
-Interested!
He's as phony as a Chinese faro deck.
Why, the hand he tips his hat with
never knows...
what the other one's doing and....
I'd die before I'd let him know it,
but I'm in love with him.
The big flirting, strutting fathead!
You know, you could be doing both of us
a mighty big favor...
if you'd get out of town
before it's too late, mister.
Sure like to accommodate you, ma'am,
but I just can't.
I should've known better
than to try to talk sense to a man.
Men
A man is stubborn as a mule
He don't learn half enough in school
The only thing that drives him is his ego
A woman likes to criticize
She wants to dominate the guys
If she were smart she'd be a man's amigo
Man and woman
Day and night
They always try
to make the other see the light
A man don't know what's good for him
A gal jumps in where she can't swim
Same old thing wherever he and she go
Man and woman
Friend and foe
They're just as far apart as yes and no
Women
They like to spend all we can spare
The woman only wants her share
But to her that's just an appetizer
The woman knows how things should be
Then why ask us if we agree?
To build you up
we make you think you're wiser
Man and woman
Jack and Jill
They blame each other
when they tumble down the hill
Why, a man don't know the mess he makes
A woman never makes mistakes?
Her worst mistake is letting him advise her
Man and woman
Duck and drake
They each think
they're the icing on the cake
Men
Women
You bite off more than you can chew
Why, there ain't a thing a man can't do
I'd like to see you try to be a mother
Okay, be a mother sure you can
But just try to be one without a man
The husband is the better half
When I hear that I have to laugh
But the husband is the family head
The wife can kick him out of bed
A woman likes to flaunt her shape
A man is nothing but an ape
I get my way by acting tough
I drop my neckline just enough.
Man and woman
Sharp and flat
They never seem to get along
Even when they're right, they're wrong
Man and woman
Dog and cat
They never think alike and that is that
That's that
Calaveras, I was just fixing
to go get the food.
I noticed you picked up a couple of dishes.
Now, I was waiting for you.
Listen, you're fussing at me,
where's that stranger?
He's probably off somewhere
minding his own business.
-Why don't you do the same?
-What do you mean?
I'm getting sick and tired of you
starting fights over Susana.
It's time you realized
that anything a man tries to do to her...
-that she can't talk him out of or run away--
-Calaveras.
That's a mighty delicate subject.
It might be delicate to you,
but to most women it's just shoptalk.
Incidentally, what were you doing
with the Dorgan Sisters, talking shop?
No, just talking.
-Jason, will you do me one great big favor?
-Anything you want, darling.
Please don't get yourself shot today.
I can't stand loud noises.
You got no cause to talk to me that way.
I'll go get the food.
You know, ma'am, looking at you
is like listening to a violin.
-Why, the music has stopped.
-No, ma'am, you're wrong. It'll never stop.
I'll hear it the rest of my life.
Maybe you are right.
It seems I can still hear it, too.
-I got to go now.
-Where you going?
I wouldn't try to follow her
if I were you, stranger.
Why, that's just plain silly.
If you were me, mister, you'd do
just what I'm gonna do. Follow her.
I'm warning you. Keep away from Susana.
Unless you've got a better argument
than you've produced so far, Carberry...
-you'd better stand aside.
-All right, stranger, you asked for it.
You seem to be having trouble
finding your six-gun, mister.
Like to use mine?
Congratulations.
That's the fastest draw I ever saw.
But I'm still warning you.
Keep away from my ward.
-Your ward?
-That's right, my ward.
She was orphaned as a child...
and since then I've been
her legal guardian and protector.
I sure am glad
you didn't make me kill you, Carberry.
She never would have forgiven me.
Then you admit I got a right to find out
what your interest in Susana is.
Interest! Why, man, it's a darn sight more
than just plain interest.
I've been in love with that gal
for the best two hours of my life.
-And I darn near killed you.
-Yeah.
Boy.
You see, Susana's led
a very sheltered existence.
She was brought up to be a lady.
A species of female
which I doubt seriously...
you've ever encountered
in any great numbers before.
That's right.
So, as her guardian, stranger...
what would you do if some brawling,
uncurried, gun-slinging saddle-tramp...
came to town
and tried to promote an affair...
which might wreck her life
and break her heart?
Why, I'd kill the son of a gun.
Looks like we've reached an agreement.
Looks like.
-Congratulations, my friend.
-For what?
-Congratulations, my friend.
-For what?
You are one of the only two men now
living who ever outdrew Jason Carberry.
I have the honor to be the other one.
I am Rafael Moreno, at your service.
Glad to know you.
What was Carberry's reason
for trying to shoot you?
Senor, I had wished only to congratulate
you on your success with Carberry...
not to discuss personal matters, amigo.
If I remember, Rafael, I didn't ask you
to discuss anything with me.
Might be you wouldn't
talk so tall, stranger...
if you knew
who this Rafael Moreno really is.
He can shoot the eye out
of a ground squirrel at 50 yards...
and have his gun back
in the holster before it stumbles.
On top of that, he is the greatest barroom
fighter in these here parts...
and I got money which says you don't
belong in the same saloon with him.
Hey, let's get up to the saloon.
Ain't no time for that,
you might change your minds.
Come on, let's do it here, right now!
Get ourselves a toe line made here. Yes, sir.
Are the contestants ready?
All right, come up to toe.
You're first. Ready!
Go.
One, two, three, four....
One, two. Get up, boy. Three, four....
One, two, three, four....
One, two...
three. Get up, boy.
Come on. Steady, boy, steady.
Disgusting.
Senorita, I agree with you,
but it is the best I could do.
My amigo.
You sure enough surprised me, Rafael.
You're almost
as good as Billy Buckett said you were.
And you are almost as good
as you think you are.
Greetings, strangers.
Welcome to our community.
I'm Jason Carberry, at your service.
This is Miss Calaveras Kate, the shining light
of our local theatrical world.
Currently appearing at the Red Dog Saloon...
featured in all the latest songs and dances.
A little souvenir for you.
Thank you.
I am Judge Wallace Winthrop of Boston, sir.
And this is my niece, Miss Sheila Winthrop.
How do you do?
-And I am Rafael Moreno.
-And I'm just a stranger.
Do you usually welcome guests
to your community...
by such a disgraceful exhibition
as we just witnessed?
What did you expect on the spur
of the moment? A massacre?
Most of the time, I win.
Why was there nobody in town to greet us...
except a small boy who is being punished
for shooting up the schoolhouse?
And a most offensive little brat at that.
He offered me ''a chaw of tobaccer.''
The lad is generous to a fault.
What brings you to our fair city, Judge?
I, sir, have the honor to be the head
of the Presidential Commission.
Appointed to study and report
on the alarming increase in lawlessness...
in certain of our western states.
Why, shucks, Judge,
you're wasting your time here.
I don't know. Do you, Calaveras?
Anybody know what he's talking about?
-How dare you?
-As I was saying, Judge, I....
Judge.
I don't know of any condition
of lawlessness hereabouts...
that warrants your interference, sir.
What about that crime wave
that just passed through?
That? That's just the Patterson boys
shooting it up with the McGregors.
Why, sure. That happens every day.
Ladies and gents!
Choose and grab your partners
for the Sacramento Stomp!
Judge, this is something
you and your niece sure have to see.
One of you boys take care
of the Judge's team.
Miss, if you'll allow me
to help you out here?
There we are.
May I have the honor?
That is, if Jason does not object.
Of course he doesn't.
Here, hold these, Jason.
He's got a gal in Alabama
Got one in old Cheyenne
Loves a young one or a grandma
'Cause he's a ladies' man
Ladykiller loves them all
Ladykiller, see how they fall
He don't give a hoot in Hades
if she's a snooty gal
Treats her like the other ladies
when she's in his corral
Ladykiller loves them all
Ladykiller, see how they fall
If I know that Rafael,
he's doing all that just for you.
I'm not the least bit interested.
Climb aboard my sliver saddle
kiss every girl I see
Before you know it I skedaddle
no gal is roping me.
Ladykiller, that's my way
Ladykiller, that's what they say
Must be the mating season.
-Mighty fine stepping, Calaveras. Here.
-Yes, it was very nice.
-Mighty fine stepping, Calaveras. Here.
-Yes, it was very nice.
-Judge, I think this calls for refreshments.
-Thank you.
-I'm exhausted. Come on.
-Excellent notion.
Get out of my way, you bandit, you!
That Miss Winthrop is fascinated by me.
And I must admit I'm fascinated by her, too.
She's mighty pretty,
but she looks kind of frost-bit to me.
No, my friend.
Beneath that icy exterior smolders
a fire that need only be fanned into a flame.
She still looks kind of frost-bit to me.
You called me a bandit, and you are right.
So, I have come to steal from you
one little smile.
If it'll make you happy,
I'll laugh out loud at you.
I think you are capable of other,
more tender emotions.
Ready, my dear.
I was just inquiring of your so lovely niece...
if there was some slight service
I might do for her.
Yes, go away and leave me alone.
Why did you treat that man so rudely?
-Perhaps it's because I'm afraid.
-Of what?
Him. Me. I don't know.
All contestants will now line up
for the chicken-picking race!
All right, now, you all know the rules.
You grab your chicken and you start picking.
And the lady whose chicken is picked
the most naked at the finish, she wins.
All right, now, line up. No fudging now.
On your mark. Get set....
By unanimous decision of the Judge,
Ginger Pete...
the winner is Mrs. Bear-Who-Fears-No-Man!
I was robbed. I was crooked.
I never stood a chance.
My chicken's breathing!
-Go away, Minnie.
-Minnie is right.
Whoever slipped
that live chicken into the deal...
sure enough cold-decked her. A whole heap.
Did you hear what he said?
Hear what the man said?
Are you calling me a crook?
You can either be a crook
or admit you're blind.
-Take your choice.
-Hold on there.
-We don't want no bloodshed.
-What?
Let me finish.
We don't want no bloodshed
so close to the barbecue.
If he don't get his ugly mug
away from mine...
-there's sure gonna be some.
-Reach!
-there's sure gonna be some.
-Reach!
Like to borrow my six-gun, mister?
I could have told you about that.
You know, stranger, I think maybe Minnie
might've been cold-decked at that.
-Just a little bit.
-You're my lover-duck.
Say, ain't you from down Pike County way?
Why, yeah, Minnie,
at one time I lived down that way.
Now, I know who you are.
I'd never mistake
that Randall draw anywhere.
Randall!
-Your name's Randall?
-Why, yeah, come, to think of it.
Reb Randall.
I guess I just plumb forgot
to mention it before, Billy.
Guess I know why, too.
What you gonna do about the man
which killed your brother?
First of all, I guess I'll just have to find out
who did kill my brother, Billy.
Why does the burden
of tracking down the murderer...
fall upon that poor, bereaved young man?
Where's your sheriff?
Down here in Limbo County, Judge,
we don't need no sheriff...
to take care of anyone
which kills one of our brothers.
Do you mean Reb Randall proposes
to take the law into his own hands?
You don't understand
about Western chivalry, Judge.
Why, Reb there was willing
to kill Ginger Pete...
over a common
ordinary chicken-picking race.
So unless somebody discourages him...
what do you think he'll do to the man
who shot his brother?
You mean....
I make it clear enough
I don't take any guff
And that's the way I've always been
And if some ornery pup
should get my dander up
Please notify his next of kin
With a whoop and a holler
and a dime and a dollar
I'm a lucky son of a gun
Wherever I go I guess you know
I tip my hat to none
With a whoop and a holler
and a dime and a dollar
I'm a lucky son of a gun
-Hiya, duck.
-Hiya, Minnie. This a hotel?
Sure thing, duck,
and every room guaranteed coyote-proof.
Say, Minnie, you got any notion
who killed my brother?
Only notion what come
to Minnie's mind is old Indian proverb.
Proverb?
Only a fool risks his neck
for the sake of honor.
The wise man never
fight over anything he can't eat...
put in his pocket or make love to.
-I don't quite follow you, Min.
-You don't have to.
I'll take this hay-burner to the barn.
-Hello, stranger.
-Why, hello, Miss De La Cruz.
-You live here?
-Yes, I do.
-Your name's Reb Randall, isn't it?
-You know, huh?
Why, I saw what happened
between you and Jason, Reb.
Was it about me?
You know, Susana...
that Carberry's sure enough
got your best interests at heart.
I'm a whole heap glad
he didn't make me kill him.
Reb, would you have killed him?
What in the world is that?
I guess Comanche
just done bit Minnie Redwing.
I guess he just done did.
Susana, when Rafael outdrew Carberry,
was it over you?
-Rafael smiles at all women.
-I noticed that.
Besides, Jason means well,
but he interferes too much.
How can a girl ever know her own heart
if somebody goes around threatening...
to shoot every man who even looks at her?
Don't you worry none, Susana...
I won't let anything happen
to him while I'm here.
-Who?
-Why, Rafael, of course.
Rafael!
You mean that if I decided
it was Rafael I like...
-that you'd protect him just for me?
-I sure would.
Of course I might have
to kill Jason Carberry a little bit, but--
Reb, how could you be so dense?
-You mad at me, Susana?
-How do I know?
Go ask Jason Carberry.
He does all my thinking for me.
Stop this! Stop this rowdyism!
Stop it, I say!
Mr. Carberry, this is
the most disgraceful den of iniquity...
it has ever been my pleasure to witness.
Greetings, oh, great white Father!
I'm not the President of the United States.
I'm merely his humble servant.
What do you mean, sir,
by serving ladies at the bar?
That's no lady, that's Minnie Redwing.
Ain't that a whizzer, lover?
How's your crime wave
coming along, Judge?
-So you admit there is a crime wave?
-What crime are you referring to?
The way you're running
this town is a crime in itself.
Why, for instance, have you done nothing
to find out who killed Robin Randall?
His brother will take care of that
and when he does...
we'll have ourselves a barbecue,
with athletic contests for one and all.
-I'd like to tell you exactly what I think--
-Save your breath.
No matter what you say,
I'm a cinch to disagree with you.
Furthermore, he'll oppose with his life
your right to say it.
What's the trouble, Judge?
The trouble is that everyone in this town
seems to consider it inevitable...
that Reb Randall not only will, but should
kill the man who shot his brother.
Why?
In a moment, Judge, you're gonna be
hearing all about the Code of the West.
So, if you'll pardon me now,
I'll be leaving. I've heard it.
Yes, sir, Judge, the Code of the West...
which says that a man's
got to go and kill the man...
which killed his brother, even if he
was a no-good polecat like Robin Randall.
Obviously Reb doesn't think
his brother was a no-good polecat!
You're right there, lover.
Why, even Reb said
no self-respecting polecat...
would have been caught dead
with that Robin Randall.
You mean Reb is expected to risk his life
over a brother he didn't like?
Surely even your barbaric code must take....
Must take extenuating circumstances
into account.
What difference does it make
whether or not Reb liked his brother?
A code's a code.
You're darn tooting,
and you go messing around with it...
the whole thing falls flat on its face.
As if you was to say:
''You shouldn't run away
with your neighbor's wife...
''except under extenuating circumstances,
such as her husband being out of town.''
The Code of the West
don't make no provisions...
for no extenuating circumstances.
If you believe in it, you got to live by it,
with no ifs, ands, or buts!
That's why Reb Randall's got to go out
and kill the man which killed his brother.
That reminds me, Billy...
this man who killed
your brother is still alive.
As a matter of fact, you did not
even bother to find out who he is.
How you account for that?
-Because Billy's a coward.
-That's right, I'm a coward.
That's why I've lived to pat so many
brave men in the face with a shovel.
-You could be next, Rafael.
-What do you mean by that, amigo?
It's just a darn good thing
for you that I am a coward...
else I might start talking.
-Buckett.
-Yeah?
What did you say?
I'm the quietest man you ever heard.
Put that thing away.
It's liable to go off and hurt somebody.
Here come the girls.
Hiya Pete, hiya Jim
howdy Joe, howdy Slim
We know what you've been missing
while you've been on the trail
We're mighty glad you're back in town
and keeping out of jail
Put the redeye down and drop your gun
We're gonna have a little fun
and it's coming to you
Hey, all you roaring cowboys
You got a treat tonight
Red garters on a dancing girl
what a pretty sight
Come on, you busy drinkers
and blow away the foam
Red garters on a dancing girl
you'll never see at home
I'm feeling friendly
and full of spice
But don't grab the package
or touch the merchandise
Hey all you men from Leadville
and you from Laramie
Red garters on a dancing girl
got them from Paree
Red garters on a dancing girl
are what you came to see
Started off in Yonkers
dressed from head to toe
Then I dropped my bustle off
South of Buffalo
Took off a dozen petticoats
in Altoona, Penn.
It got so hot in Illinois
dropped another ten
In Kansas let my hair down
same in Ioway
Finally got in fighting shape in California
And here I wear the minimum
Red garters, hooray
And to see the maximum
they come from miles away
Hey, you tobacco drummers
who said this town is tame
Red garters on a dancing girl
aren't you glad you came?
I've never been to Broadway
I just don't fit the part
Red garters on a dancing girl
now that's what I call art
Don't tell the sheriff
I'm breaking laws
Because you'll find the sheriff
leading the applause
I know your eyes will bug out
your chest is gonna heave
I'm gonna toss my garters out
snap them on your sleeve
Red garters on a dancing girl
That's the main event of entertainment
Red garters
Red garters
Red garters on me
I'll meet you both right after dinner...
and whatever you do,
be careful of Calaveras.
We were just talking about you.
-I'd like to talk about you, Jason.
-Delighted, sure, my dear.
What was it about me that you wanted
to talk to me about, Calaveras?
There's bound to be another killing
around here, Jason.
Followed by another barbecue...
with an empty place for the guest of honor.
Well?
I was wondering if this time
you intend to do anything about it.
-Why should I?
-To please me!
I'm getting sick and tired of barbecues.
I can't stand the sauce
they put on the meat.
What do you want me to do about it?
Simply send word to whoever it was
that killed Robin Randall...
to get out of town
until this thing blows over.
If I did that I'd be knuckling
under to that pompous windbag...
of a judge from Boston.
In addition to which, you'd be mighty
unpopular with your constituents...
if you interfered with their precious right...
to murder one another
whenever things get dull around here.
Isn't that correct?
According to the Code...
when one man kills another
in an affair of honor...
it's not murder.
That, Jason, would be small consolation
to a lonely widow on a cold night.
Now, Calaveras.
Shouldn't I leave
until you've finished dressing?
Why, for heaven's sake?
Somebody might come in
and find us like this.
If it'll make you feel at home,
just put your hat back on.
I was only thinking of your reputation.
What are you thinking of when you're
horsing around with the Dorgan sisters...
in full view of the public?
Now, Calaveras,
you know they don't mean anything.
-They're just merely--
-Yes, I know.
Bless their dear little hearts.
Whereas you're a lady.
You know darn good and well
I earn my living by singing in a saloon.
Yes, but--
You know that every man
who buys champagne for me...
expects more for his investment
than was ever trampled out of a grape.
But, Calaveras--
Does the mere fact
that I disappoint them make me a lady?
-Yes.
-Why?
Because I love you, that's why.
So your love
for me makes me a lady, does it?
-I wish I could do as much for you.
-What do you mean by that?
Look, Jason, I asked you
for a favor a little while ago.
Are you willing to make a stab at it?
-Calaveras, that's asking too much.
-Goodbye, Jason.
You might at least give me a chance
to think it over.
When you've reached a decision, come back.
I told you I love you.
What more do you want?
-Goodbye, Jason.
-I'm gonna....
So long!
-Hey, what'd you do to Jason, duck?
-I caught him with his hat off.
Sometimes you treat
that man shameful. Why?
Because of six innocent kids
who deserve to grow up in a decent town...
and be proud of their father.
-Which six kids?
-Mine and Jason's, of course.
-Well, well, well.
-And don't ask me their names.
The poor little devils
haven't even been born yet.
And the way things look,
I don't think they ever will be.
Well, well, well, well, well!
Well!
What kind of holiday falls on July 13?
It's the anniversary of the one and only
battle ever fought in Limbo County.
-Who fought it?
-White men and Indians, who else?
-Who won?
-Who won?
Well, I ain't bragging, but that battle
set the palefaces back 1 0 years.
And my grandmother's
got a trunk full of scalps to prove it.
Around here, we'd celebrate
the anniversary of a smallpox epidemic...
just for an excuse to dance.
Who's going to dance with whom?
It seems to me
this town's been deserted for a whole week.
It seems that way to me, too.
I don't know. I haven't noticed
any startling decrease in the population...
excepting for the absence of Reb Randall
and Rafael Moreno.
A girl should never plan
On hitching with a man
Who's used to roaming near and far
I'm just not worthy of
The gal I'd like to love
Of course there ain't no men who are
With a whoop and a holler
And a dime and a dollar
I'm a lucky son of a gun
Wherever I go
I guess you know
I tip my hat to none
With a whoop and a holler
And a dime and a dollar
I'm a lucky son of a gun
I tip my hat
to one
Greetings, my lovely ones.
As you observe, we have returned.
We were not
by any chance missed, were we?
You weren't missed, and for my part,
it wasn't by any chance.
I didn't miss you on purpose.
How can anyone miss anybody
when nobody said goodbye to anybody?
Well, we kind of left
on the spur of the moment.
What were you looking for, a bank to rob?
Reb was looking for this person
who so carelessly killed his brother.
I went along to see that
he did not shoot the wrong man.
Our search was a failure.
But we are not discouraged.
This person might be at the big dance.
You ladies, I hope,
plan to attend this dance?
Don't look at me. I didn't kill Reb's brother.
Where are you off to, Susana?
-I was just going to get ready for the dance.
-Susana, I forbid it.
You can't keep Susana away
from certain persons all her life.
Especially if she's been
crying her heart out...
over a certain one of them
every night this week.
Is this true?
All I can say is
that every time I look at him...
I know that the most
I ever want out of life...
is to cook his meals and wash his clothes...
and mend his socks and scrub his back...
for as long as he lives.
-Susana, you mean....
-Yup!
Oh, I wish I could have said that.
-Susana, go ahead to the dance.
-No, she don't.
If Jason insists on butting in,
let him scrub Reb Randall's back.
-Thank you.
-Don't you dare.
Go on, Susana.
I don't like this, Calaveras.
I don't like it at all.
Look, if we're gonna have a battle...
let's fight over something more important
than who scrubs whose back.
-Such as what?
-Such as barbecues.
You're gonna start that again?
You told me you were going
to think a certain matter over.
Reb hasn't found out
who killed his brother yet.
What are you gonna do
when he does find out?
Well, you know the Code.
You know how long a reformer
would last around here.
-That doesn't answer my question.
-Now, you see here, Calaveras.
The mere fact that I love you...
doesn't give you the right
to interfere in how I run this town.
Mind my own business, is that it?
Well, I....
I don't think my pants would look
very attractive on you, my love.
On you, they don't look
so good either, my love.
We both can't wear them.
I wouldn't be caught dead in them,
which may happen to you any day.
I'd rather be caught dead in them...
than to have people say
I've traded them for a petticoat!
I know he's filled with good intentions
But he only makes me sad
He's always wrong
with good intentions
They might just as well be bad
I swear that he'll never get me down
I keep my spirits high
Then all at once
he'll let me down
And I wonder
''Why try?''
I get so tired of good intentions
And I say I'll let him go
But I
Love him so!
Vaquero, be careful here
She's waiting here
To kiss you and crush you, Vaquero
Take care
Vaquero, her flashing eyes
Will hypnotize
And claim you
Enflame you
Vaquero, take care
You barbarian!
My cousin, I see you've recovered my hat
which I have so carelessly lost.
Where did you lose it, Rafael?
I remember distinctly.
It was on the road to Whiskey Flats.
On the night my brother was killed?
I shall never forget the night
your brother was killed.
I was at a dance in Jimtown.
Then, if you were at a dance
in Jimtown that night--
In Jimtown I danced with Chiquita...
Marquita, Anita, Conchita...
and a large woman
by the name of Bertha Baumstetter.
Some dancing.
Oh, I drank, yes.
I drank mescal, tequila,
rum, gin, beer, redeye.
Some drinking.
And then I started home.
I did not walk. No. I floated.
-I know what you mean.
-I sang songs. I danced.
But there was only one thing missing
to keep me happy...
-and that was a good, rousing fight.
-I can understand that.
Then I met this man...
who, unfortunately, was your brother.
And then?
Then I kindly offered
to remove his gall bladder...
at absolutely no expense to himself
and he refused.
I volunteered to break
both his arms and his legs...
with just my bare hands.
He was not interested.
So you started the fight, Rafael?
I turned to leave. There was a shot.
My hat flew off.
And after that, we both shoot many times.
When it was all over...
your brother Robin was no longer alive.
Golly, Rafael, why did you
go and make a fool out of me...
by pretending to help me
find the man that killed Robin?
I did not wish you to learn something
that might force me to kill you.
But, now, what must be will be.
I'm sure enough sorry
to have to do this, Rafael.
-I kind of like you.
-Don't apologize, amigo. It's your funeral.
How do you want this fight,
Western or Southern style?
Seeing there's so many ladies present...
I think it might be more fitting
if you fought Southern.
Jason!
Back to back and 1 0 paces.
Let's make it five,
it's getting a little late, men.
What are they going to do?
He's going to kill the man
which killed his brother.
-You mean....
-Yup.
Now, you both know the rules as laid down
by the Limbo County Dueling Commission.
-Yeah.
-Okay, back to back.
And on the count of five, turn and fire.
-Ready?
-Ready.
One.
Two.
Three.
-Time's running out, Jason.
-You keep out of this. You, too.
Four.
-Five!
-Stop!
Jason, are you gonna let one of these idiots
kill the man Susana loves?
What?
Hang on to your pants, Jason.
They're slipping.
If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes,
I wouldn't have believed it!
Jason, what's happened
to the Code of the West?
Don't ask me.
I'm having enough trouble
hanging on to my pants.
This can't be! This just can't be!
If you let Reb and Rafael
get away with this...
you'll live to see the day,
when there won't be anybody left...
manly enough to shoot even a sheriff.
Are you gonna stand still for this insult
to the honor of Limbo County?
-No!
-All right, then. Come on!
-Howdy, Rafael.
-Buenos noches.
I'm sure enough glad
I didn't have to kill you this afternoon.
On the contrary, amigo,
it's I who am overjoyed...
because I was able to spare your life.
Ain't you two afraid
to be out alone at night...
without no woman to protect you?
Yes. How would you two lovie-dovies
like to hide behind my skirts?
Oh, there you are!
It's a good thing I found you two
before it's too late.
Too late for what?
To save the honor of Limbo County,
that's what!
Why, if word of this ever gets out...
Limbo County's gonna
be the laughing-stock of the whole West!
And everybody's gonna blame you, Rafael.
Reb here's an outsider,
but you, you're a hometown boy.
Wait a minute.
It's not his fault I didn't shoot him.
I couldn't bring myself
to kill the man Susana loves.
What is this? What makes--
What makes you think
Susana's gonna be happy...
when everybody finds out
she's in love with a coward?
Why, don't you realize if you two
don't come to your senses...
you'll be the first men
in the history of Limbo County...
to ever violate the Code of the West?
I had a guy
He took a train
Why did he go?
Who can explain?
It was a great love story
Now, it's just bad news
Thought he was fair
Thought he was kind
Funny how life
Changes your mind
It was a great love story
Now it's just bad news
He was my one and only
Now I'm Lady Lonely
Wondering will he return?
My heart is aching
Here's the point I'm making
Women don't
Women won't learn
Tried to do right
Guess I did wrong
Now every night
Lingers too long
Yes, it was some love story
Now it's just bad news
Sing that part again, sister.
That's where it hurts.
It was a great love story
Now it's just bad news!
I got news!
How many times have I told you
not to interrupt the show?
-But, you don't understand--
-Boys!
Tomorrow morning at 1 0:00.
Thank you, fellows.
Things are gonna happen around here.
You're gonna be sorry....
-Now, what's this all-fired news you got?
-The fight's on again!
Reb and Rafael are gonna shoot it out.
-What?
-Yep!
Hold it, everyone!
-The big shooting match is on again.
-What?
Yep, tomorrow morning, 1 0:00. Main Street.
A brave man
Will die in the morning
being true to his Code
Two men will fire
At a given warning
One will return
down the road
Goodbye, Jane
Goodbye, Joe
One will return down the road
One man
Is kind of a stranger
One a man we all trust
They're both too proud
To retreat from danger
Soon one will lie in the dust
Goodbye, Jane
Goodbye, Joe
Soon one will lie in the dust
They don't claim
To hate one another
But they're caught in the web
Sometimes a man
Has to fight his brother
Pity Rafael and poor Reb
Goodbye, Jane
Goodbye, Joe
Pity Rafael and poor Reb
A man must be
True to his honor
Or be scorned by the crowd
And though we know
One will be a goner
He'll meet his maker unbowed
Goodbye, Jane
Goodbye, Joe
He'll meet his maker unbowed
It's easy
to live as a coward
Some may say this is best
Your heroes die
just as life has flowered
That is the Code of the West
Goodbye, Jane
Goodbye, Joe
That is the Code of the West
That is the Code of the West
Hey, duck, who do you suppose
is gonna win that fight tomorrow?
-You think Reb's a good bet at one to two?
-Why?
'Cause I'm trying
to trap myself a fast buck...
and I don't mean no male Indian, neither.
Minnie.
Don't tell me
you'd try to make money that way.
I guess not.
If I did, I wouldn't be able to look myself
in the face when I shave in the morning.
Well, it was a temptation.
You're no different than a lot of the others.
They all think murder's a spectator sport.
Their idea of good, clean fun
is to stand on the sidewalk...
and watch somebody get killed.
Even the little kids.
It keeps them out of pool halls.
I'd like to teach them all a lesson.
I'd like to take each one of them, and....
Reb!
Is it true, Reb, what I just heard,
that you're going to fight Rafael after all?
Everybody seems to think I am.
Everybody's kind of planning on it.
-But you're not going to do it, are you?
-I thought I was.
But, now that I look at you,
I guess I'll just slip out of town tonight.
-Why?
-I don't care what they say, Susana.
I'm just not gonna stay here
and shoot the man you love.
If that Rafael doesn't treat you right,
you just let me know.
I'll come back and kill him a whole lot.
Goodbye.
Oh, Reb, how could you be
so dumb, stupid, blind?
-It's you I love.
-Yeah, I know that.
But I wasn't in any danger
this afternoon. It was....
What did you say?
It's me you love, not Rafael?
Of course, my vain, arrogant darling.
I'd never have believed it in a million years.
Susana!
Meet a happy guy
Simple words sweetly said
Filled my heart and turned my head
Now I know
that you're in love with me, dear
Meet a happy guy
Here you are, by my side
We'll be living high and wide
Now I know how happy we can be, dear
Oh, what you do to me
It's all so new to me
You're so ideal, so divine
Just a walking valentine
Meet a happy guy
Got my way, got my love
And I'll tell you what, my love
Your sweet touch
has made me such a happy
Happy guy
Lucky me, loving you
Knowing that you love me, too
Your sweet touch has made me such
a happy, happy guy!
Susana.
Boy, I'm a whole heap glad I don't have to
run out on that fight with Rafael tomorrow.
Oh, no, Reb, you can't mean
that you still intend to--
But, Susana, now that you don't love Rafael,
I haven't got any reason not to fight him.
You mean you won't love me any more?
I'll always love you,
no matter what you do, Reb.
But if you go through with this...
I'll never have anything to do with you
as long as I live.
Susana.
Oh, it's you.
Look, Reb, you've been bad news
ever since you came to town.
Come on, I want to talk to you.
I hope Reb shoots you,
not fatally, but painfully.
Would you really want me to be shot?
If you don't believe me,
give me your gun and start running.
Sheila, such hatred can only be born
of a more tender emotion.
Tender? There's nothing tender
about my feeling for you, Rafael.
It's a feeling that if I said it out loud,
it could get me banned from Boston for life.
Now, I know what's the matter with me.
I've found love.
Love is greater than I thought
It's amazing how I fought
I would laugh at love
Scoff at love
Just too smart to be caught
I was mad to take the chance
Of a life with no romance
Nearly missed the boat
And I quote
This is greater than I thought
Love is such a will-o'-the-wisp
Never stays in one spot
So if you want the thrill-o'-the-wisp
Grab it while it's hot
It was closer than I thought
And my ''No sir'' nearly brought
Years of bitter ache
What a break
I did not make that big mistake
Oh, lover, this is greater than I thought
I was colder than snow
Easy 20 below
Lady Eskimo
I was certainly blah
Looked at love as bourgeois
From my lofty plateau
Days tumbled by pell-mell
And nothing sang in my heart
Then I was saved by the bell
You rang in my heart
Now I know that
Love is such a will-o'-the-wisp
Never stays in one spot
So if you want the thrill-o'-the wisp
Grab it while it's hot
It was closer than I thought
And my ''No sir'' nearly brought
Years of bitter ache
What a break
I did not make that big mistake
Oh, lover, it was later than I thought
And love is greater than I thought
Yes, it's greater than I thought!
You inspire me.
-Tomorrow I will shoot like an angel.
-Oh, no!
-You're not going through with the fight.
-What would you have me do?
Once a man starts to run,
he must keep on running...
and always public opinion on a fast horse
is breathing down his neck.
Something worse is going to be breathing
down your neck, my fantastic darling.
-What is that, my love?
-The militia, that's what!
I'm going to have
my uncle telegraph for them right away.
She doesn't know that the militia
never arrived in time to stop a fight...
in all its history.
But they always arrive in time
to arrest the winner.
What's a few days in the calaboose?
Just long enough for a Boston girl to decide
she doesn't want to nest with a jailbird.
You come with me, I want to talk to you.
Hey, Ginger, I got a great idea.
Let's rope off the street here
and charge these outsiders admission.
I should say not.
This here fight's just as much
a natural resource as Niagara Falls.
It belongs to all the people.
Hey, Buckett,
you're so interested in barbecues...
how come you ain't never done nothing
to promote a little excitement around here...
such as finding out who killed your brother?
Well, it's like everybody says,
I'm a coward, I am.
Make way, I say. Make way!
I shall not tolerate mob rule!
I shall have you all arrested.
What is it, Uncle?
I've just discovered that the telegram
I sent for the militia last night...
didn't get through, but there still may be
time for me personally to summon help.
-Don't try it, Judge. They're dangerous.
-I dare them to stop me.
I dare you ruffians to stop me!
Get out!
What's all this? What's going on?
You missed all the fun, Jason. What a pity.
One of your friends
just tried to kill Judge Winthrop. Yep.
He started for the militia.
Somebody thoughtfully
cracked him in the skull with a rock.
You would have enjoyed it.
He bled all over the place. Profusely.
What.... Howdy, ma'am.
Why do you insist
I enjoy bloodshed, Calaveras?
Maybe you haven't admitted it
even to yourself.
But you'd be happy, wouldn't you,
if both Reb and Rafael were killed?
For what?
Girls. Why should I be?
Because both of them had the extreme
bad taste to beat you to the draw recently.
-Calaveras, are you calling me a coward?
-Not without due deliberation, Jason.
Maybe you're not afraid of a guy
with a gun in his hand...
but you are afraid of public opinion.
You are afraid to try to cheat...
those modern-day Romans
of yours out of their holiday.
You hate me, don't you?
I'm sorry, Judge.
Of course I hate you, you big idiot,
but it's only because I love you so much.
Calaveras, do you really mean that?
I'm a poor, weak woman.
I can't help myself.
Will you marry me?
One of these days, when your conscience
catches up to you, Jason...
an understanding wife
might come in pretty handy...
to keep you from cutting your own throat.
-Calaveras, I asked you will you marry me?
-Yes, doggone it!
Even though I'll hate myself every morning
for the rest of my life.
Thank you.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm going for the militia
and don't nobody try to stop me.
Don't nobody try to stop me!
And you stand still.
Don't go, Jason. It's too late, anyway.
-I'll make it this time.
-No!
Let him go, duck.
He's doing it for those six kids.
Ride, Carberry! Ride!
Tortillas! Tacos! Balloons!
Time!
Ready?
If you don't stop this bloody affair,
I'll have the militia arrest all of you!
Judge, go sit down, will you?
It's the Code of the West.
Sorry.
-How could you do it?
-But I did not intend to shoot him.
I love this man like a brother.
You know what we planned.
-You planned it.
-No, nobody was going to shoot nobody.
When she told me my friend Reb
had decided not to kill me...
Calaveras and I planned a big joke
on these people...
who were so eager to see a man die.
-A joke?
-Yes, it was supposed to be a joke.
And the joke was going to be on all of you.
I wanted to see
the disappointed looks on your faces...
when you realized there wasn't going
to be any bloodshed.
Now the joke's on me.
The show's over.
You can all go home now...
and feel real proud of yourselves.
Hold it!
I said, hold it.
There won't be any dueling here today.
You're a little late, Jason.
The duel is over and poor Reb is dead.
-I'm mighty sorry, Calaveras.
-Me, too.
And that's the man that did it!
And I demand, sir,
that you arrest him immediately.
If you send him to jail, I go, too.
Niece, drop that man!
Hey! Wait a minute there, Judge!
What you all want
to go and arrest Rafael for?
For killing you, of course. Take him away.
The bullet just creased his forehead.
Excuse me. This is something
which I do not understand.
I am shooting at my friend this way...
but the bullet mark on his head,
she's going that way.
My gun, she does not shoot around corners.
Then the bullet could only have come
from one direction.
All right, Jason, now.
I give up! Stop the consarned shooting!
Buckett!
Hey! Why'd you try to kill me, Billy?
'Cause I don't like guys
whose brother killed my brother.
You mean,
my brother Robin killed your brother?
He sure did. One Waldo Buckett by name.
Yeah. And $2 will get you $4...
if Billy ain't the polecat which killed Robin!
Just a moment. This cannot be.
I never miss, except on purpose.
When you're drunk
you can't hit the broad side of a buffalo...
-with a hat full of buckshot.
-But, Jason--
-Speak up, lover. How did you do it?
-You better talk, Billy.
When two guys is banging away
at each other with guns...
it ain't very hard for a third guy
to slip in a shot without being noticed.
Why, you dirty....
All right, so it ain't very honorable...
but us cowards got to do the best we can.
Do you hear that, Officer?
Arrest that man immediately.
Don't let them do this.
They'll take me out and hang me.
No, you don't.
I'm scared to death of being hung!
Come on and draw, Reb!
I'm the guy which killed your brother!
Why don't you draw?
No, Billy, law and order's come
to Limbo County.
Come on, now, Reb. You owe this to me.
Remember, the Code of the West?
Sorry, Billy, but the Code's not for cowards.
-But, Reb!
-Take him away!
And you know what to do with him!
-You mean...
-Yup!
Ki-yi, big doings
No more killing
Got the villain
Hey, all you roaring cowboys
Ain't this a pretty sight?
Red garters on a dancing girl
We'll have a time tonight
Ki-yi, big doings
I never had a gal
My horse has been my pal
And we been raising lots of heck
Ain't this a lovely day?
But now I think I'm ripe
And you're the gingham type
To drop the noose around my neck
With a dime and a dollar
And a whoop and a holler
You're a lucky son of a gun
It was closer than I thought
And my ''No sir'' nearly brought
Years of bitter ache
What a break
I did not make
That big mistake
Oh, lover, this is greater
than I thought
Ki-yi, big doings
Ladykiller, that's my way
Ladykiller, that's what they say
With a Ki-yi, big doings
We're a-heading for a wedding
I'm glad you had those good intentions
Now I'll never let you go
I believe in all your good intentions
'Cause I love you so
Ki-yi, big doings