We should put Irene
and this guy in here.
Yeah, we probably should.
You know where the dustpan is?
They've just gotten together,
they'll be at it like rabbits.
Behind the refrigerator.
No, it's not.
Yeah, like when she and J.T. first
got it on, when we lived on Mass Ave.
Or maybe out on the porch.
Listen, I already did the kitchen.
-You did?
-Yeah, it just looks like that.
You could do the bathroom,
though. The Ajax is in the cabinet.
So those guys get a bedroom,
and we get a bedroom.
Listen, you think we ought to put
the mattress on the floor in here?
-You know how the frame collapses.
-Only if you go jumping around on it.
Do we have a sponge?
That's why they're getting
a room. For jumping around.
-We should put it on the floor.
-I don't know.
This guy of Irene's might not be
the mattress-on-the-floor type.
All she said on the phone was that he
worked in the senator's office with her.
-He might be 40.
-No.
Yeah, he might be one of those
boyish types with graying hair.
We probably should have gotten
some Jim Beam or Johnnie Walker.
God, I hope not.
Maybe we should leave it up on
the frame. I'll just warn Irene.
We'll tack up a sign: "All sex
acts must be performed on the floor.
The management."
That leaves Frances with
J.T. out in the living room.
Frances will be pleased to hear that.
Maybe this year she'll make her move.
Beautiful.
-Come here.
-Hey.
-You want a ride?
-I didn't recognize you. You got a new car.
No, it's a different one.
It's pretty far from being new.
You look like an album cover
out there with your guitar.
Helps me get rides.
Nobody figures they'll get bludgeoned
to death with a secondhand Gibson.
You ought to get a new
one, update your image.
No, old country boys never
die. They just move to L.A.
-You're really going?
-I scraped the money together.
-I got a bunch of new songs.
-I wanna hear them all.
Oh, it's good to see you.
How did we ever fit everybody
when Jeff and Maura came?
Well, for a while Irene and J.T. were sleeping
together, which made it more convenient.
Yeah, but that's when Frances
was with what's-his-name.
-The one nobody could stand.
-Jeff liked him.
No, different guy. The one nobody liked
was before the one that only Jeff liked.
The way I feel, if we're taking the
trouble to rent this place every summer...
...people ought to strike up a relationship
with whoever we put them in with.
Right. As long as I bunk with you.
Where are the sponges?
The sponges are under
the sink in the kitchen.
Behind the Brillo pads.
Where they always are.
Where they always are.
It's not gonna freak you out, is it?
Seeing your old boyfriend? Not at all.
I think what we're on is
this Kancamagus Highway here.
"Boyfriend" isn't the term I'd use.
I lived with J.T. for over a year.
-He's the guitar player, right?
-Right.
Can we be on the Kancamagus if
we haven't gone through Littleton?
It won't bother me if
it won't bother you.
It's not gonna bother me, it's just
that there are a lot of loose ends.
Franconia, that's where we
are. Just south of Franconia.
I mean, it's a little weird.
We had this real nightmare of a
relationship, but I'm always glad to see him.
That's weird, all right.
Hi, my name is Michael. I'm
a friend of Lacey Summers.
She said you have some comps for me.
Lacey said you'd wanna be
about four back from the front?
Fine.
-How is she in this?
-Lacey?
It's hard to say. I'm in it too.
It's hard to have any perspective.
-Five, six. There you go.
-Thank you.
It's the last night of the run,
everyone will be up for the show.
-Mike! Hey! Mike! Michael!
-Hey, you guys!
-Frances, you look terrific.
-So do you.
-I wasn't expecting either of you yet.
-I stayed at my sister's in Boston last night.
-Did you come up together?
-No.
I was hitchhiking, and this
beautiful woman pulls up.
Yeah, sure, I've heard that one
before. How's med school treating you?
Well, doctors are assholes
mostly, but what else is new?
Listen, I've got this
pain in my chest--
Don't start.
Hey, Irene and Chip here yet?
Chip! That's it. I
was trying to remember.
Katie said it was Skip, I said
it was Biff. What's he like?
I don't know. I only met him
once. He seemed a little...
...straight.
What do you mean, straight?
Well, I don't know, he's....
Like prep-school straight or Army
straight or political straight, or what?
Well, he works for
that senator's office.
Well, so does Irene. She's not straight.
Straighter than she used to be.
Just pile it in the corner, J.T.
You got the floor again, sorry.
Hell, I've been on more
floors than Johnson's Wax.
J.T., you're the original
Westchester cowboy.
You got the couch, Frances. We
figured we'd give the newly-whatevers--
We figured we'd give
them the other bedroom.
Get yourself a steady woman, J.T.,
and you can kiss the linoleum goodbye.
So, what is he? Boy Scout
straight? Plaid-pants straight?
Here.
"Jacking and stowage instructions.
One:
Follow jacking and stowage instructions.
Two: Use the jack only
when changing the wheels.
Three: Never get under the
car when using the jack.
Four: Do not start or run the
engine while the car is on the jack."
Nervous?
A little.
Just act naturally.
You just told me I should loosen up.
Right. You should just act naturally and
like you always do, except a little looser.
Looser.
You mean, like, I should tell jokes?
No. Not jokes. Not your jokes.
Look, these are my best friends.
You get all kinds of points
just for being with me.
So relax with them, that's all.
Relax.
For 200 miles you've been hinting
how I should clean up my act...
...and now you tell
me I should just relax.
-There's nothing to be nervous about.
-I am nervous.
I hope we find a filling station soon.
What's wrong with the woods?
I'm allergic to pine needles.
Hey, I thought you made it
all the way to Eagle Scout.
You should have seen my skin.
I saw you came prepared.
The old plastic clam
in the overnight bag.
Yeah. I decided to get off the pill.
-What was it doing to you?
-Nothing to me.
Only, let's see, it
was an exam question.
Adverse reactions...
...thrombotic disorders, nausea, vomiting,
bloating, break-through bleeding...
...edema, malasma, suppressed
lactation, cholestatic jaundice...
...migraine, nervousness, fatigue,
loss of scalp hair, itching...
...hirsutism, changes in breast size,
appetite, libido, weight and sleeping habits...
...dizziness, backache
and mental depression.
Jesus. Well, mental depression
comes from reading the box.
So I decided to get a diaphragm.
Which you brought for the weekend.
Don't leave home without it.
Ron, you're a maniac.
-Hi.
-Hi.
You come up to see Mike and Katie?
Yeah, just for the weekend. What
you been doing with yourself?
The usual. Fixing cars.
Saturdays we go out to the
woods, watch the bark peel.
-How about you?
-I've been working for a senator.
-Like a secretary?
-No, like a speechwriter.
No shit, a speechwriter.
So you're gonna be around
here for a while, then.
I came up here with this guy.
-He a senator?
-No, he's not a senator.
I read about all that stuff.
Washington sex scandals,
right? Hey, what do you get?
Twenty, 30,000? Is he old?
If he's over 70, he probably doesn't have
any lead in his pencil. Makes it easier.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-I'm Chip Hollister.
-Pleased to meet you.
You're....
-Ron.
-Very good.
Last name is Desjardins, but I
gotta have another tit to fit it all.
You Irene's old man?
-She's a real sweet girl, let me tell you.
-Ron!
Hey, pump you some?
Gas. Pump gas.
We got your custom-blended,
unleaded, super premium--
No, no, I was just....
Making a deposit, not a withdrawal?
Hey, Irene, is that friend of yours....
-Frances?
-Yeah. Is she gonna be up there?
-Yeah, she'll be there, Ron.
-Far out.
Well, I guess I'll be
seeing you around, then.
Say hi to Mike and Katie.
Nice meeting you, senator.
If you're getting less than
30,000, he's robbing you.
Who's that?
-You got here so fast.
-We hit the beltway at 5:00 this morning.
You're kidding. You must be wiped.
I was too excited to be tired. Katie!
It's nice the senator
gave you the weekend off.
Fuck the senator. J.T.
We didn't tell him we were going.
Everybody, this is Chip.
I'm sorry. Everybody, this is Chip.
This is Katie and J.T. and Mike.
-Hi.
-Hi.
So, what do you guys want
first? We got beer, wine, food.
Food. Definitely food.
So, what's the story
with Jeff and Maura?
Some big deal 35th wedding
anniversary for Jeff's parents...
...and all his relatives
from all over the world.
-Living and dead.
-Right. The whole family tree in one place.
Jeff and Maura had to put in an appearance.
And it's in Delaware or something.
They catered the whole state.
I talked to them the other night, they
couldn't get out of it. They said hello.
-They're the teachers, right?
-No, no, that's us.
You know, I can't
imagine you guys teaching.
I mean, is it the same old stuff we got?
Well, I start the year with
the Boston Police Strike.
They let you teach that?
They let you teach anything, so long as you
keep the students from knifing each other.
Okay, class.
-Boston Police Strike.
Very good, Hollister. You'll go far.
Now, who can tell me some of the causes?
-Miss Rosenblum?
-Hostility between the Yankees and the lrish?
-And who was who?
-Was Coolidge governor?
Very good, Frances.
How about you, J.T.?
Boston Police Strike?
I didn't get that far.
-Why not?
-I had practice.
-Do you know any cops, J.T.?
-Sure, my uncle.
Now, what would happen if the Boston
police tried to go on strike tomorrow?
My uncle wouldn't go out.
There's a law against it.
That's to protect the public.
Public safety comes first.
Is that your own opinion or
are you quoting Calvin Coolidge?
-Mr. Dawnly?
-Yes, J.T.
Coach says that you got socialistic
tendencies. Is that right, Mr. Dawnly?
Coach is a running dog imperialist,
J.T. Don't listen to him.
Now, the rest of you.
If the Boston police went on strike
tomorrow, what would White and Dukakis do?
Would there be riots in Southie? It's
Miss Sipriano from the English department.
-Mr. Dawnly?
-Yes, J.T.
Coach says that you and Miss Sipriano are
getting it on. Is that right, Mr. Dawnly?
Coach has a filthy, reactionary
mind, J.T. Don't listen to him.
You guys are too well-behaved. High
school isn't what it used to be.
Yeah. It's mostly discipline.
No matter how jazzed up and
relevant I try to make the history...
...I'm still dealing with a
room full of teenage libido.
-Mr. Dawnly?
-Yes, J.T.
-Get bent, Mr. Dawnly.
-Exactly. Exactly.
Get a couple chickens, spread
some cow flops around...
...it'll be just like The Real McCoys.
-Hey, what's the story on Lacey?
-Speaking of flops.
Her company's in town at the theater. She's
got a big part in whatever they're doing.
She left us comps, so
it's free entertainment.
-That's what she said last time.
-Well it was free, whatever it was.
-What's the play?
-A Restoration comedy.
Well, we can always
say she looked great.
I got it.
If it's Ron, tell him I'm out shopping.
-What's wrong with Ron?
-I saw Ron at the Sunoco station.
He tried to wipe my
windshield with his body.
-That's Ron.
-What's wrong with Ron?
-I thought he worked at Crane and Feeney's.
-They closed.
It was a major career decision whether
he should go with Sunoco or Exxon.
-Hey, what's wrong with Ron?
-Nothing's wrong with Ron.
I like Ron, he's a nice guy. We just
don't have that much in common anymore.
High school was 10 years
ago. I teach high school now.
-You have any kids like Ron?
-More than my share.
I like Ron a lot. He just ought to
get out of this town, that's all.
He went to Boston once this year.
Once. Big snowmobile exhibit.
If we run into him, whatever you
do, don't mention snowmobiles.
-Was it Ron?
-It was Maura.
-Where? Are they coming?
-She and Jeff just broke up.
She just got off the
bus at 6000 Salad Bowls.
-So did he just let you go?
-He wanted me to stay.
That thing with his relatives.
I just couldn't deal with it.
-He's gotta explain
to them-- -He'll live.
At least it'll keep
him from following me.
-Was there something specific?
-I haven't sorted out the reasons yet.
Look, it's been coming for a long
time. It's over. It's gotta be.
They had another one. They didn't have
any comps left but we'll split the price.
-You sure you're okay?
-Better already.
I hope this isn't gonna be weird for everyone.
They're so used to relating to us as a couple.
Come on, everybody wants to see you.
Did J.T. make it?
-I'm so glad you're here.
-It's okay, honey, it's okay.
I wanted to talk to you
before you heard from Jeff.
It's okay now, don't worry about it.
What's a reunion without a little drama?
Lacey moved out to live with some guy...
...and Katie and Maura lived
together until Maura went into VISTA.
She's been doing pretty
well, I think, Lacey.
She's been in some
off-Broadway stuff this year.
-Is she good?
-What do I know about plays?
I saw her here last year, the
same theater company came through.
It's a little theatrical,
you know what I mean?
-You mean, like, stagy?
-Yeah. Sort of.
-It's hard to put it into words.
-She stinks.
Katie's very judgmental.
Then at one time,
Mike and Lacey were....
What? You mean, like,
they lived together?
No, no, no. Nothing that
heavy. It's just that....
Lacey's one of those things that
Katie and Mike don't agree on.
It was way before they were together.
-Maybe we'd better get our seats.
-Hope she's good.
"Lacey Summers returns for her
second year with our company...
...having graced such productions
as Plaza Suite, The Drunkard...
...Midsummer Night's Dream."
She probably played a toadstool.
"Has appeared in several
off-Broadway productions."
That means dinner theater in Yonkers.
"And has
studied under--"
Well, she's done something under those
guys, but study isn't what I'd call it.
You're heartless. Her parents might
be sitting behind us or something.
Lacey didn't have parents. She was
grown like a bacteria on one of those....
-Frances, those...?
-Petri dishes.
Right. That accounts for
her microscopic talent.
Jesus. Will you give her a
chance? Maybe she's getting better.
She wasn't bad in that thing
we saw her in last year.
Well cast. The director exploited
her personality disorders.
The air sickness bags are
located under your seats.
Katie!
But, lady, the captain
leaves the sea for battle.
Then I shall follow him.
For a lady to
follow a soldier--
'Tis improper for a lady, true,
but for a soldier, 'tis duty.
-My lady, no.
-Yes, Meg. My course is charted.
But if the captain
should learn--
He must not learn. And in
this, I'll need your aid.
The campfire's doused, the battle o'er,
but the vanquished heedless of the cost.
In love's sweet bonds, where captive
held, our hearts in rapture's prison lost.
An attack of Legionnaires'
disease, maybe...
...and we were afraid to
come back and infect the cast.
I'm sure Lacey's immune to
it. She's immune to everything.
Including criticism.
You were right, Mike, she is getting
better. Another 50 years, and who knows?
Well, the play was so stupid.
I liked it.
Fantastic, you go first.
So the gray-haired one says to the
white-haired one, "lsn't she sweet?" Sweet.
Katie.
Come on. This is Lacey they're
talking about. I thought I'd vomit.
But it's supposed to be broad.
There's a difference between being
broad and being like a TV show.
I mean, that was like a
take-off on a play, not a play.
Yeah, maybe you've been
to more plays than I have.
Chip, your parents have taken you to
the theater since you were 6 years old.
Got sort of itchy, huh?
Well, I always do when I see people
on-stage and I think I could do better.
You see all that space
just going to waste.
Boy, there was a couple spaces
there tonight I wanted to jump up...
...and bust into the
"Wabash Cannonball."
It would've helped the play.
-You guys coming with us?
-No, we're gonna walk, okay?
Okay.
-Frances?
-Coming.
-He can handle it.
-I don't know. I think it's freaking him out.
J.T.?
Maybe if we just take the guitar off.
How long was it like that?
It was like that for three
or four months, at least.
-God.
-We didn't talk. We didn't fight.
We didn't make love.
Jesus. Four months?
There'd been periods before that, but this
time all that kept us going was inertia.
You know how sometimes
inertia means staying still...
-...and sometimes staying in motion?
-Right, in physics.
We had this relationship,
and it had its own inertia.
And even when neither of us was getting
anything good out of it anymore...
...it was impossible to stop it.
-I had no idea.
-Nobody had any idea.
-He told me he was gonna be 29.
-He must be freaked out.
-Maybe if we took the guitar off.
-He'd guess.
When was the last time we bought
a cake just for the hell of it?
-He wanted you to stay.
-He said he did.
But I could tell he was relieved that one of us
finally had the strength to break the inertia.
I had no idea. Jeff never said anything.
We've been under the same roof but
we haven't been living together.
I've been living alone, you know?
It's a big deal turning 30. You
feel different about yourself.
Maybe we could take the guitar off.
-Or put on only 29 candles?
-That would really freak him out.
I was depressed for a
week after I turned 30.
Put it in the freezer. It'll keep.
I can't imagine hanging on like that.
You don't think I'm
terrible for walking out?
Hey, if that's the way you felt about
it. You know, I mean, it's your life.
I was worried you wouldn't wanna see me.
It's so hard not to take sides.
Come on, you know me better than that.
You still wanna be my friend?
Of course I wanna be your friend.
I mean, I'm Jeff's friend too.
Well, you're his best friend.
He really depends on you.
Okay, but that doesn't
mean I stop liking you.
I mean, I always liked
you. You know that.
I guess I just wanted to hear it.
-Book.
-Book.
-Six words.
-Six words.
-Third word.
-Third word.
Little word.
-The!
-The.
-Fifth word.
-Fifth word.
Little word. Sounds like "heart."
-Love. Of.
-Sounds like love. Of.
Blank, blank, the blank of blank.
-First word.
-First word.
-Tits. Breasts. Bosoms.
-Boobs. Knockers.
Me. You. Friends!
-Friends.
-Roommates.
Bosom buddies!
-Women! Women. I'm an idiot.
-Women, all right.
-Sixth word.
-Sixth word.
-Wrist. Look. Time. All right.
-Watch. Time. Time?
-Woman blank the blank of time.
-Woman on the Edge of Time!
Forty-one seconds. And I thought
you wouldn't even know it.
I was with you when I read it, Chip.
Yeah.
-Okay, who's next?
-Chip's up.
-Oh, God.
-Okay, do it.
Now, just remember the
signs and don't panic.
Oh, God, I've never
heard of this one either.
Great.
-What did he get?
-Far Tortuga.
-Ready, Chip?
-Ready as I'll ever be.
I hope one of you guys is psychic.
-The watch.
-Oh, yeah.
Okay. Ready? Three seconds.
Two. One. Go!
A book. Two words. First word.
Away, away, away. Gone,
gone, gone. Push, push.
-Over there.
-Over there
Farewell.
-Squint. Squint.
-Nearsighted. Nearsighted?
Reach.
-Here, there, here.
-Spot. Place.
Walking. Walking. Going to.
Place to place. Coast to coast!
-Try a "sounds like."
-No coaching, Irene.
Sounds like.
Fingers.
-Gooey. Gooey fingers.
-Fast fingers.
Hot fingers.
Shoot! Shooting! Shooting!
-Trigger finger, trigger finger.
-Chip, try the second word, okay?
Second word.
-Second word.
-Second word.
-South American tree sloth.
-Orangutan.
Monkey fingers.
-No, it's old.
-Old.
A kind of dinosaur. A triceratops.
-Brontosaurus.
-Stegosaurus, ichthyosaurus, diplodocus...
-...brachiosaurus, Tyrannosaurus Rex.
-What's the kind that swims?
A dinosaur with palsy!
-No, he says he's not a dinosaur.
-Okay.
-Fish.
-Fins.
-Tortoise. Tortoise.
-Tortoise and the turtle!
-Tortoise and the Hare!
-Turtle fingers!
We forgot to tell them.
Irene and Chip.
About the bed.
-Didn't we?
-I didn't. Did you?
I can't remember.
He is kind of straight.
-Seems like a nice guy, though.
-I suppose.
I hope it's good for Irene.
She seems pretty happy about it.
Better than when she was
with that what's-his-name...
...that guy who used
to eat all her medicine.
-Dwight.
-Dwight.
-What a loser.
-She thought she could help him.
Three years of cold turkey
couldn't have helped him.
Dude was a walking drugstore.
He even used to eat her
Gantrisin when she had cystitis.
She seems better with this guy
than when she was with Dwight.
Or when she was with J.T.
Or J.T.
J.T.
-Can't sleep?
-No.
Me neither.
-How you feeling?
-I don't know, funny.
It's so different not to
be, like, attached to Jeff.
I feel like a different person.
You don't seem so different.
Just a little sad.
Do you ever...?
Before, when you knew me....
I can't get this out.
You can't what?
Never mind.
You really going to L.A.?
I think so.
It's time to either shit or
get off the pot with my music.
You involved with anybody right now?
Involved?
No.
-You cold?
-No.
I keep thinking about sleeping with you.
I mean, I've never been in this position
before where I'd really consider it.
What I was gonna ask you before
was, did you ever consider...?
I mean, when I was with Jeff.
Did you ever wonder
what it would be like?
Not that you'd make any moves with Jeff
still in the picture or anything, but....
"Uh-huh," what?
J.T., don't make me do all the work.
I'm sorry.
It's just that...
...I don't know if
you're, like, being...
...you know, rhetorical or
if you're making an offer.
You could ask.
-You wanna sleep with me?
-I think so.
Do you wanna sleep with me?
I mean, if things had been different....
I always liked you, it's just
I never considered that we'd--
-I wasn't available.
-Right, right. I always liked you.
So you think we should?
What do you think?
I mean, if it's Jeff, it's
been over for months, really.
Do you think...?
Could we now?
I mean, would you like to?
Is Frances asleep?
She must be.
We have to be quiet.
I like you so much.
I am so excited. My stomach's all tight.
Me too. Never thought
we'd get to do this.
Do you wanna come up
or should I come down?
It's an old couch, you better come down.
It's got me worried.
What?
About us?
We're doing okay.
I know, but....
Everybody breaking up...
-...it makes me nervous.
-Who's everybody?
Just Jeff and Maura.
Jeff and Maura. And Irene and
J.T. And Irene and that Dwight.
And Frances and Bill. And my parents.
I don't think your parents
are good examples of anything.
It just seems like
there's a lot of couples...
...and both sides are really
nice people. I mean....
Well, nobody's an ogre or anything.
And they really seem to like each
other and to care about each other.
But they just can't stay together.
How many people do we know who have
been together for any length of time?
Lots.
Look at all the people
we know at school.
-The Whites. -The Whites are
born-again, they don't count.
-Karen and Dick.
-I mean people we like.
Well, that must be it.
Everybody we like is hard to live with.
I'm serious.
I know.
I'm sorry.
But we're doing okay.
I don't feel any major
catastrophes coming on.
Now, come on down in here and get warm.
I've gotta pee.
-A new record.
-I didn't go.
Somebody's getting it
on in the living room.
On our rug?
-The nerve. Who is it?
-It must be Frances and J.T.
Finally hit pay dirt.
-How long has she been on his case?
-It was pretty obvious last summer.
It was pretty obvious long before that.
J.T. must not be as
light-footed as he used to be.
-J.T. likes Frances.
-J.T. likes women, period.
So Frances qualifies.
Oh, Jesus. I hope Maura's asleep.
That's right.
I wish we had more room.
To have to listen to people
getting it on in her condition.
Well, J.T.'s had years of
living-room-floor experience.
He'll put it on silent
running, like a submarine.
Well, Frances didn't waste her trip.
I can't hold it anymore.
-So go.
-But they're out there.
What, they're gonna notice
you in the throes of passion?
I don't know.
I'll get my referee's
whistle and blow a time-out.
I gotta try it, I'm gonna bust.
Tell me who's winning.
-You're kidding?!
-It had to be.
When I came through the living
room, I got a good look...
...and Frances was still in the corner.
Well, as I live and breathe.
-What did you say to her?
-Nothing.
What do you say?
-"Don't worry about the rug"?
-Turkey.
I think the earth moved for Irene.
Jesus, what did you put in the food?
If anybody's gone vegetarian since
we saw you last, you're out of luck.
I remember one time I ate nothing
but chili and crackers for six days.
No, no. I was hitching
rides from truckers.
Every time they'd offer a meal,
the cheapest thing was always chili.
Such a considerate guest.
Yeah. Well, after about three days, I
was more combustible than considerate.
Liquid propane farts
from coast to coast.
I know those chili
farts. Remember Dwight?
-How could we ever forget?
-Old diesel exhaust himself.
Every time Frances made
eggplant parmesan....
It was like those instructions
for getting gassed at a march:
Put a wet cloth over your
head and don't rub your eyes.
Only he was more of a slow
leaker than an exploder.
Between that and him pissing
orange because of my Gantrisin.
-And being too spaced to remember to flush.
-Or to remember his name.
Good morning, Frances.
You look like you had a rough night.
Over. Good one.
-I got it.
-Good, nice.
-Good.
-Nice.
-I got it.
-Go ahead, J.T., you get it.
-Katie.
-Good one.
Okay, let me try to get it
right the first time through.
Katie and Maura went
to college together.
They were roommates
with Lacey for a while.
I met Katie when I
was going with Lacey...
...but we didn't get
interested till much later.
J.T. and Jeff went
to Cornell together...
...till Jeff dropped out to go into
VISTA, and J.T. just dropped out.
That's right.
Jeff and Maura met in VISTA,
and they were living together...
...when I was in VISTA,
working in Kentucky.
-Was Katie in VISTA?
-No.
But she and Maura stayed good friends,
and that's when I got to know Katie.
-Frances and Irene-- -Were
at Rochester together.
Right, and they lived downstairs from
Katie and me in Boston for a while...
-...which is when she met J.T.
-I know about Irene and J.T.
Who was visiting me because we
met through Jeff in Kentucky.
Now, that was a long
time ago, J.T. and Irene.
-You think you got it straight?
-Yeah. I think so.
-Only who's Jeff?
-Chip!
-Jeff.
-Hi. Ron, right?
Right.
-How you doing?
-Not bad. How are you?
The usual. Fixing cars.
Weekends we go up to the nursing
home, listen to the arteries harden.
You going up to Mike's?
Yeah, I just thought I'd
stop and get some beer.
-Blue laws.
-Oh, shit, that's right.
Stupid fucking state. The bar's open
tonight, though. Last call midnight.
Seen Mike?
Yeah, just once. He just got some gas.
Hey, listen, come over to
the schoolyard this afternoon.
-We'll shoot some hoop.
-Yeah, sure, I'll do that.
-Hey, you still working with junkies?
-The methadone clinic, right.
I used to have an old
Dodge, was a junkie for oil.
I'd get under it every weekend. I'm
fooling with this, fooling with that.
I think I got it fixed, so I take it
out up the mountains. Running beautiful.
Dropped the dipstick, down two quarts.
Yeah, it can be really frustrating work.
Yeah, fucking a.
Hey, you still with that
actress one, that Laura?
Yeah. That's right.
-All right!
-I got it.
Mine.
Good, good. Good!
-It's not mine.
-I got it, I got it.
-Why don't we ever rotate?
-Good one.
-Rotate?
-Got it.
This is my special back shot.
-Jeff?
-Hi.
Hi!
Hey, everybody, look who's here!
They told me you'd be here.
We thought we weren't gonna see you.
We got the whole squad now.
-Hey!
-You're getting skinny.
It's a sympathetic withdrawal reaction.
-Hi, Jeff.
-Hi.
-You left your parents' party.
-They understood.
You sure you shouldn't have stayed?
We both wanted to be
here, so we're here.
-What are we gonna do?
-What can we do?
Try to keep things moving, I guess. Be
careful with the seating arrangements.
What about J.T. and Maura?
Yeah, they sort of jumped
the gun, didn't they?
I can't imagine what must be going
through J.T.'s head right now.
Probably some new lyrics.
Maybe another pair of socks.
You're already wearing two. I told you
you should've brought your sneakers.
You said nobody played
tennis, and I figured--
There are other games
besides tennis, Chip.
I hope they're not too good.
Have you ever played?
At gunpoint. I played squash
during basketball seasons.
What do you think?
Maybe they'll need a referee.
-Did you tell him?
-Haven't had a chance.
-Are you going to?
-No.
Why should I?
Okay. I'll tell him.
-I feel funny.
-I don't.
It makes things clearer.
-I feel weird.
-It's more definite this way.
I feel awful.
I wanted to let you know before you
heard about it from anybody else...
-...but you're pretty hard to track down.
-I was in Ithaca.
How was that?
You know, the same. High above
Cayuga's waters, and all that.
-Jeez, the kids there looked really young.
-They are really young.
-We never looked that young.
-No, we didn't. Not to each other.
-Jeff, about Maura.
-Hey, I know that she's gotten to be...
...as much your friend as I
am and I think that's great.
We're both gonna
really need our friends.
And I know that it's kind of tough on you,
the both of us being up here like that...
...but it's important that
she know that you like her.
We slept together.
It was mostly just friendly, you know.
She said she needed
to be with somebody...
...and she said it was totally
finished between you two.
It is. It is totally
finished between us.
You pissed off at me?
No, it's just bad timing,
that's all. Forget about it.
Never did have much sense with women.
He's like a puppy dog, Maura. He's not very
discriminating about whose lap he hops on.
I know that. I've known
J.T. for a long time.
It's not
like--
I mean, I'm not leaving
Jeff for J.T. or anything.
J.T. didn't even cross my mind in that
way until we were lying there side by side.
I wouldn't go that far.
All right, all right. Maybe
somewhere in the back of my mind.
That still doesn't change things with
Jeff. Besides, what's wrong with J.T.?
Nothing's wrong with J.T. I
love J.T. I love seeing him.
He's just not the most responsible
person in the world, that's all.
I worry about him.
About him and Maura?
No. It's nice for Maura now.
You know J.T.
I know J.T.
I'm worried about what he's going to do.
I mean, he's 30 years old, he didn't
finish school, there's no family money.
It sounds like he's really
gonna take a shot at L.A.
Yeah, but what if he doesn't make it?
I mean, he doesn't sing or play
well enough to do studio work.
What if his songs don't sell?
J.T.'s always managed to
land on his feet in the past.
Yeah. It's one thing to be knocking
around the country when you're 20.
It's another to be doing
it at 35. I worry about him.
Are you real disappointed?
About him and Maura?
Yeah, I'm disappointed.
I'll live.
Hey! Hey, you guys! Come
on, play with the big boys.
You know, Jeff wasn't kidding about
that sympathetic withdrawal stuff.
He takes on all the
classic addict symptoms:
Jumpiness. Weight change.
Loss of sexual appetite.
He was always really intense.
Finally wore me down.
Ever since VISTA, his causes have
been getting loster and loster.
Like he's just trying to see how
much he can put himself through.
And J.T.?
I know it seems awful sudden, but I went
through most of my period of mourning...
...when I was still with
Jeff. I'm over that now.
I just wanna have fun again. Feel
good about myself. Is that so bad?
There any guys at school
you're interested in?
Doctors? Sons of doctors?
You know those TV ads, "Nine
out of 10 doctors recommend"?
Oh, don't believe them. Nine out
of 10 doctors are douche bags.
I trust them as far as I can throw them.
I'm sorry to hear that. I
thought you were liking it.
Oh, the company stinks. School's
great. I delivered a baby last week.
-You're kidding.
-I was nervous.
But I felt like I was in complete control
the whole time. The woman was scared.
But I got her to trust me, and we
talked about what was happening...
...and what was going to happen next and
what we'd try if there were complications.
And I could see her relax.
Even with all that pain...
...I could see her open up to
it, and we were on the same side.
You know, I wasn't bullshitting her
or condescending or anything like that.
-And then it started coming out.
-Jesus.
-I cried like a baby when it was over.
-You're gonna be a great doctor.
Yeah. I think I am.
-Chip!
-Under! Under!
-Upper tip!
-His is some temper.
-Forget it. Outside again. Outside.
-I got it, I got it, got it.
-No idea what you'll do next?
-Go and see my mother.
Maybe look for some work
down there. Who knows?
-Hey.
-Hi.
Excuse me. Have you seen Howie?
Howie. I don't think I know a Howie.
He's tall, sort of light-haired.
He was with Ron Desjardins.
-Oh, Mike's friend Howie.
-They were gonna come over here.
The guys all went to play
basketball. Maybe they ended up there.
These all yours?
God, I hope not. Just this one and
that one. And I got one at my mother's.
Wow. You wanna sit a
bit? We got some iced tea.
No, thanks. I gotta find Howie. Come
on, all of you, let's go. Bye, now.
-Bye.
-Bye-bye.
Three kids, Jesus.
There but for the grace of Ovral-21 .
Short.
It's up.
-Back, back!
-Oh, yeah!
Got him. You got him.
-Back!
-Got him.
-Oh, yeah!
-I got him. I got it!
-It's up.
-I got it, I got it.
-I got it. Michael, Michael!
-Stay with him.
-Got it, got it.
-Mike, stay on him.
-I got him.
-Nothing, nothing.
-All right. Wide open.
-Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Nothing.
Shoot it!
Nice, nice.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
-Take the shot.
-Okay.
-Jesus.
-Okay, okay.
-Go, go.
-Got it.
I got it.
Nice, nice.
Baby.
-Got it.
-Watch it here.
J.T.!
-I got it. I got it, I got it.
-J.T.!
Nice tip.
-Turn it around!
-Damn it.
-Call it.
-Foul.
-That's out.
-Their ball, their ball.
-That's going out!
-That's ours, that's ours.
Outside, outside.
-Coming through, coming through.
-Watch the run.
-Shit, man.
-Are you all right?
-God, I creamed my head.
-You okay, J.T.?
-Kung-fu defense
there. -You okay?
-What is this, hockey?
-Forgot about the pole.
We better take a break.
Soak it in Epsom salt.
-My head?
-Coach used to prescribe it for everything.
-Sprain an ankle, sprain a wrist, break a leg.
-Soak it in Epsom salts.
-Yeah, go soak it, Desjardins.
-Go soak it, Dawnly.
Soak it, both of you.
I'm crippled.
They crippled me.
First time his wife got pregnant, coach
probably had her soak it in Epsom salts...
...keep the swelling down.
Speaking of swelling, you're getting
a tire there, Dawnly. 20 laps.
-Full-court drill.
-Wind sprints.
-Fucking a.
-Hey, Howie, you finished?
-Hi, honey. Where's the kids?
-I left them at my mother's.
-You got kids, Howie?
-Yeah, didn't you know that?
-Hey, you remember Mike, don't you?
-Hi, Mike.
-Hi, Carol.
-What were you in when...
-...Ron and Mike and me were seniors?
-10th grade.
Yeah. Probably had a crush on Mike, right?
Worked on his Student Council campaign.
Yeah, I got Debbie and Stacey and
Benjamin. Debbie's 5, Stacey's 3...
-Two and a half.
-...and Benjamin's still in the toddler stage.
He's 15 months.
The lodge called, they
want you to work tonight.
-Shit.
-So tell them you don't want to.
No, I got to. Are you and
Katie planning on kids?
We're not even married yet.
Yeah, well, think long and
hard, buddy. Think long and hard.
-You done, Howie? We gotta go shopping.
-Give me a break. I'm all pitted out here.
-Come on. Sit down, be friendly.
-Howie!
She did have a crush on you.
She's shy, aren't you? Aren't you?
-No shit, are you hurt?
-Just a little headache, that's all.
-I'm sorry. I-- -Your
subconscious did it.
-I forgot about the pole.
-Monsters from the id.
We're out of shape. The
game was falling apart.
That was not the body check
of a man who's out of shape.
-Look, if I was out for revenge I'd--
-You would have slam-dunked my guitar.
You really going to L.A.?
Don't you read People magazine?
Written anything new lately?
Yeah, I wrote a song just
the other day called....
It's called....
I can't remember.
This pain in my head.
Mom? Dad? Who blew the candles out?
Putz.
Crippled for life.
What about the faculty?
Faculty? Forget it. Half the women
still live at home with their mothers.
-What about the other half?
-The other half are their mothers.
Okay.
Colonel Mustard in the
Conservatory with the wrench.
-The kids any fun?
-They're bananas. Out of their gourds.
And you know right
where they get it from.
The other day, Angela, one of the crowd
that hangs by my desk in the morning...
...she's going on about tampons.
"I'd never use a tampon," she says.
"My mother told me it could get loose in
your bloodstream and go right to your heart."
You're kidding.
You could write a book on what these
kids don't know about birth control.
There's a whole course of study in
our school just for unwed mothers.
-They're keeping them, aren't they?
-Remember the line about "nice girls don't"?
What nice girls don't these days
is give up their illegitimate kids.
-They learned it on the soap operas.
-Okay.
Mr. Green in the Ballroom with the rope.
Pass.
There's stuff coming out now about how
bad pregnancy is for your body at that age.
-I thought it was bad if you were too old.
-Well, if you're over 35...
...the chances of complications
and birth defects start to go up.
Thirty-five?
Well, everybody's different,
but that's the present statistic.
Doesn't leave much time.
Let's see, Miss Scarlet in the
Library with the candlestick.
Are you and Mike planning
on having any kids?
Mike definitely wants
them, but I'm not so sure.
I'd like about 15 years
to make up my mind.
-I'm sure I want them, but who with?
-Put an ad in the classifieds.
Wanted: father, lover,
Rock of Gibraltar.
So, what do you do?
I don't know. My mother raised us
alone. She was miserable, but she did it.
Playing theater games with other people's
little darlings was enough for me.
For a while, anyway.
Professor Plum in the
Study with the knife.
I'd have a kid right
now if things were right.
-Would the senator give you maternity leave?
-Fuck the senator.
I figure I'd wanna get to know a guy for a
few years before I went in on kids with him.
I'm 30, right? Puts a
certain amount of pressure on.
Do you wish you'd had
them when you were younger?
Sure. Me and Dwight. The kid would've
been born with a Dexedrine habit.
Right. And come out in
a little gelatin capsule.
I don't know why I fantasize.
If it happens, it happens.
Maybe I'll be 40 and adopt some
13-year-old girl's illegitimate child.
-If she'll give it up.
-Right. Beats the hell out of a Barbie doll.
-Oh, June, I'm home!
-In here, Ward!
What?
It's a little game we
play. Leave It to Beaver.
Have fun?
Come on in, the water's freezing!
Do I take everything off?
-Leave your socks on.
-No, really.
-Off! Everything off!
-Irene!
I don't know, it looks
pretty cold to me.
Jesus, now we know
what Irene sees in Chip.
Oh, yeah. She told me about that.
What was that Teddy
Roosevelt always said?
-"Speak softly and
carry--" -Right, right.
-Hey, the pole vault's over here!
-Katie!
That "working within the system"
argument is just the first step...
-...towards total co-optation.
-There's a difference between...
...being co-opted and making the
changes necessary to be effective.
-Effective, do you mean cost-effective?
-I mean fighting for what you believe in.
No offense, but your senator is
just fighting to keep his job...
-...and his house on Martha's Vineyard.
-Do you really know that?
-Have you looked at his record?
-How did he stand on the Canal Treaty?
Wait a minute. Don't tell me. Broke.
Flat busted.
This guy in Boston owes me. A woman
he was living with needed an abortion.
Oh, worthy cause.
Anyhow, I figure I could
thumb back to Boston...
...but if we get beers
tonight, I'll need something.
Sure. No sweat, no sweat.
What do you mean, beer? I thought
you were drinking that stuff. That....
-Wild Turkey.
-Yeah.
I figured it'd look good on the album
cover. But I never really developed a taste.
You are a wild turkey. How
about a 10, will that do it?
Ten? Since when has it ever
taken me $10 to get loaded?
You're talking to the original
cheap drunk. Just give me a 5.
When the guy in Boston comes
through, I'll pay you right back.
-I think we're being shown the goods.
-Local talent.
-I think Ron has his eye on you, Frances.
-If only he wouldn't call me "doc."
-I think he means it as a compliment.
-Are we looking at their pectorals?
-Depends on where you're looking.
-Gluteus maximus.
-The famous Roman emperor.
-What was that again?
-You're sitting on it.
-Right.
What do I know? I'm an
English teacher. Doc, huh?
He must like you.
But you don't understand. There are
international ramifications to these things.
-You okay, honey?
-Yeah. Didn't feel like going in.
A little tense, huh?
It's one thing with both of them in the
same room and lots of people around...
-...but here, with them....
-In the flesh, so to speak.
Yeah. In the flesh.
Don't tell me. Cocaine.
-It's heroin.
-Right.
One of the guys in the
program gave it to me.
-You're serious.
-I'm not sure if he meant it as a present...
...or to prove he wasn't doing
it himself anymore or what.
What are you carrying it around for?
I don't know. I've been
holding it a week or two now.
Christ, Jeff.
You know, with all the drugs we used to
do, I never even saw any of this stuff.
The guys say there's
nothing quite like it.
Yeah.
Here. It makes me nervous.
Of course, anything you gotta put in
yourself with a needle makes me nervous.
What can you do on a snowmobile?
I mean, you can ride in the snow...
-...it sounds like a chainsaw--
-Snowmobile demolition derbies.
Snowmobile jousting, drag racing, tug
of wars, barrel jumping, marathons.
-Ron, what are you doing up there?
-Trying to explain. Picture this.
First Annual Mt. Washington
Valley Snowmobile Open.
You get a big star.... Barry
Manilow, right? Puts his name on it.
Every day the sports announcer says,
"Latest developments from the...
...Barry Manilow Snowmobile Open."
-I almost think you're serious.
-Doc, wait up.
I didn't tell you about the
snowmobile singles weekend.
And do you have any comment
on the tomato, senator?
You know, I've always been a student
of the history of the tomato...
...and a great admirer of some of
the outstanding tomatoes of the past.
Among the most colorful and dynamic
vegetables that this country has...
-...the tomato is a--
-It's a fleshy fruit, sir.
Pardon?
A fleshy fruit. That's how the
tomato is classified, not a vegetable.
Well, I'm always glad to be
corrected if I am in error.
Damn staff, where are they?
I can't help but remember
back when Jack Kennedy and I...
...were freshmen senators together.
Sitting down to our lunches
in the Senate commissary.
Jack and I would be moved by
the fresh, red Maryland tomatoes.
Then you could be
classified as pro-tomato.
I don't think it's really a pro or con
issue. There are mitigating circumstances.
Mitigating circumstances. The senator is
the master of the mitigating circumstance.
We had six drafts of a speech
on the legalization of marijuana.
-Seven.
-Right. Seven.
And not until we came up with one that said
absolutely nothing was the senator happy.
-How does he stand on it?
-He's never heard of the stuff.
There is a bit of a panic on lately.
Used to be you could get a contact high...
-...just walking into the boys' room at school.
-God, I'd love to get stoned.
Spoken like a true drug counselor.
Whatever happened to
the Nashville connection?
Well, my credit rating sunk
pretty low in certain quarters.
-I haven't smoked dope in so long.
-I know. Memory lane.
-I've got some.
-Dope?
Only a couple of joints' worth.
It's pretty potent, though.
-It's in the glove compartment.
-Sounds great.
Okay.
-Is it any good?
-Dynamite.
Stoned again.
-Can I have a bottle of Lite, please?
-Sure.
You know what it's like?
-It's like-- Remember that
guy, Ace? Ace.... -Ace Campana.
Ace Campana. 11th grade,
he buys that old T-bird.
-With the lightning bolt painted on the side?
-Right, right, right.
And every day after school he's
down at the Texaco station...
...pumping gas to pay for the insurance.
Every minute of every weekend
he's under the fucking thing.
He's got grease under his fingernails,
grease in the cracks between his teeth.
-He had a name for it, didn't he?
-Spitfire. Like the fighter plane.
He had to do more work to
support that fucking car.
-But when he bombed down Main Street--
-That's my point. That's my point.
He felt like a king. That car was like
his girlfriend. Like his baby, right?
Only he didn't have
time for anything else.
You thought of Ace, you
thought of that old T-bird.
Like one of those Greek
things. The horse ones?
-Centaurs. -Centaurs.
Half man and half T-bird.
Anyhow, that's what it's
like having these kids.
-It can't be all that bad, Howie.
-It's not that it's bad, it's all the work.
All the time you gotta put in.
I don't give a rat's ass for the senator except
when you put him up against the alternative.
Well, there are other alternatives
besides who the Republicans put up.
None who could take the
state though, believe me.
Well, I guess if you're into, you
know, ballads, it's just that it's--
-Well, it's so corny.
-Lee's a rock critic.
-No shit. You get paid for it and all?
-A bit.
I have a column.
Paid to listen to records. Jesus.
-You girls up from Boston?
-We've got some friends.
-They run a restaurant here.
-So listen. What kind of music do you like?
Oh, progressive rock, mostly.
-Which is that?
-Oh, King Crimson, Yes, Genesis, Rush....
Right, right. Heavy
metal goes to college.
Just kidding. It's a joke.
Well, it's the only thing
playing now with any kind of...
...sophisticated melody line that
still has its, you know, innocence.
-Innocence, yeah.
-J.T.'s a country singer.
Really? Like, professionally?
You get paid for it?
-A bit, yeah.
-Getting paid to shovel corn.
-Hey.
-Now, that's my main problem with country.
It's lost its innocence.
Yeah, lost it to Cowboy Copus in the
back of a '56 Chevy. I remember the night.
And then sometimes I'll go out with Carol,
and we got all three of them with us...
...and none of them is screaming and
they're being good and they're my kids.
You know, they're-- I
want everybody to look.
Stacey. Stacey's....
She's a little person.
She's got little arms and little legs
that work and she talks now and....
And she's a person. And she
didn't used to be there before.
Except for Carol and
me, she wouldn't exist.
I feel like Ace Campana must
have. Bombing down Main Street.
I feel like Ace Campana must
have. Bombing down Main Street.
Hey, Howie, when you
due back on the desk?
Don't remind me. I'll have
another and then I'll go down.
There's a perfect example.
It's my day off, right?
And no deliveries...
...I gotta go moonlight being
the desk clerk. Wears you down.
Yeah. I'd like to see
your kids sometime, Howie.
Yeah. Tell you one thing: They beat
the hell out of a fucking T-bird.
-You think it does any good at all?
-If I didn't I wouldn't be there.
I have a very limited,
very subtle kind of power.
But I do think it's had some influence.
I'm able to divert a little bit of the state's
power off to the people who really need it.
And what about Chip?
Chip still cries when he
hears the Gettysburg Address.
My problem is the repetitiveness.
Women, wine and white
line fever, over and over.
Whereas progressive is existential.
You got these chromatic melodies,
right, to use for, like...
...a springboard into
all kinds of experiments.
Even the backbeat is full of nuances.
You know that there's a central
rhythmic idea going on...
...but you're never quite
sure when it's gonna pop up.
Now, you put your....
Your counterpoint on top of that,
your passing tones, your arpeggios...
...your polyrhythms, your parallel
scales, your focal harmonies...
...and it's uncertain,
right? It's exploratory.
It's like life.
Right. Exactly.
I mean, with country it's like you're being
told a story that you've heard before...
...but with progressive it's like you're
going into unknown territory. Exactly.
Are you in music too?
Drugs.
I get people off drugs.
-Oh, I-- -He specializes
in rock stars.
Isn't a major group in this country
that doesn't owe its health...
...and what's left of its gray
matter to my man Jeff here.
Mr. Cold Turkey, that's what they call
him in the business. It's a tribute.
-It's a living.
-He's handled all the big ones.
Did you know Jimi Hendrix?
Poor Jimi. You win some, you lose some.
Excuse me. I've gotta go to the....
Yeah. I should too.
All that beer.
Hey, hey, we'll hold
onto your seats for you.
-Where were they when we were 17?
-Where were they last Thursday?
Hey, hey, that was pretty good.
"Nuances of the central thematic idea."
-You know what they're doing in there?
-Number one or number two, most likely.
They are deciding who gets who and
they got number three on their minds.
Could be. I think you got
to Lee with your polyrhythms.
It's too weird.
Come on, Jeff, you gotta get
back in the ballgame sometime.
Not now. Not yet.
Okay, so we don't save their seats.
Hey, remember those two
girls at Skidmore that time?
Jeez, don't remind me.
-Another one, please.
-What was it?
-Oh, what the hell. Michelob.
-Sure.
Don't start with the Trilateral Commission,
that's like bringing in Hitler and the Jews.
Why not bring in Hitler and the Jews?
Or closer to home, how about Allende?
You're getting away from the point. Do
you not believe they're trying their best?
Either they're not trying or they're so
inefficient it doesn't make any difference.
We're not talking about efficiency,
we're talking about intention.
-They sincerely-- -Horseshit.
You want another beer?
-No, thanks.
-That's horseshit, Chip.
Carter has about as much
sincerity as Ford had brains.
I wish I could sing.
It's like he's got two lives, isn't it?
His music friends and his regular friends.
I've never met any of J.T.'s music friends.
I wonder if he acts any different with them.
I can't imagine J.T. acting
different with anybody.
All right.
-Sunday!
-Sunday!
Sunday!
At Washington Valley Speedway,
thrills, chills and spills!
-Nitro-burning funny cars. -Joey
Chitwood and his Auto Daredevils.
-With Big Daddy Ross.
-You'll laugh, you'll scream, you'll cry!
Sunday!
Dragsters burning rubber in
the biggest event of the season!
-Sunday!
-Sunday!
-Sunday!
-Howie!
-What?
-It's your wife. The hotel's been calling.
I gotta go. Catch you guys later.
Sunday.
Of course, the surgeons
are the biggest egotists.
They're the ones that have to
make everything a big drama.
-They make the most money, right?
-Right.
The ones going into surgery have already
picked out what color Mercedes they want.
Then you have the orthopedists.
Oh, you got some real jocks there.
That's bones, right?
Lots of, you know, skiers and
rugby players and ex-quarterbacks.
They'll be the team physicians...
...at the local colleges. In
addition to their practices.
-You got any future shrinks at your school?
-Oh, yeah. Mental cases, most of them.
On the depressive side.
Not nearly as weird, I'm sorry
to say, as the gynecologists.
-No shit.
-I don't know what it is...
...but the men going into ob-gyn?
It attracts some real
strange characters.
-What are you gonna be?
-Obstetrics.
Obstetrics. So, what are you like?
-You shouldn't say things like that.
-Why not? It's a compliment.
Yeah, I can't tell when you're
putting me on and when you're not.
I'm not now.
-Promise?
-Promise.
-I wanna believe you.
-Well, try it. What do you got to lose?
Close.
Can I have a gin and tonic?
-What do you do the rest of the year?
-Go to 7-11 and watch Popsicles melt.
Then in the fall, there's
a big crab lice roundup.
I mean for women.
-Where do you think we get the crab lice?
-I'm serious.
-Any women in town you see?
-No.
The ones still here are either
married or wise to me or both.
Do you ever think of moving away?
Well, I fix cars.
That's what I like to do.
In town, if somebody's engine
is running a little rough...
...brakes are shot, thing won't
start, they say, "Take it to Ron."
-Like the family doctor.
-Yeah, I guess you could say that.
But if I move somewhere else, a city...
...I'm just another guy
in a grease-monkey suit.
I mean, Mike, he got out of it.
He's got it made. Mike
was always different.
He said everybody looked up to you in
high school. You were sort of his idol.
I played sports. It was supposed to
be a big deal, but people knew better.
Did Mike really say that?
You wanna thumb wrestle?
I think I sprained it earlier.
You wanna tongue wrestle?
It's a legitimate event.
They got it on the Wild World of Sports.
Besides, it's a good way
to get to know each other.
-I know a few things about you.
-Name one.
I know that you got it
on with Irene last summer.
Well, see, you--
I got references.
Gin and tonic, please.
-A hotel?
-Yeah. The one Howie works at.
They always got extra rooms.
I'd invite you home but I
live with my aunt and uncle--
Oh, yeah.
So you wanna go?
Yeah, I think I do.
I shouldn't, but I think I do.
Oh, fantastic. We can
kill two birds, right?
Because I want you to look at this thing.
I wanna know if it's my "prostrate."
Just as long as you don't call me doc.
-Do you have any Lwenbru?
-Yeah.
-Could I see some identification, please?
-What?
So Jeff and I get put in the cell.
-We're the only politicals in there.
-This is Cambodia.
-No, the first time they bombed Hanoi.
-Right. There's this drunk driver...
...who's peed all over himself,
who's looking for his sister.
They're always looking for their sister.
There's these two black guys
who are high on something.
And there's this biker, not Hells
Angels, but something like it...
...comes over to us and
demands to know who we are.
So of course Jeff says,
"I'm Lenin, he's Trotsky."
The biker sneers and says
he doesn't like Polacks.
-So, we brought-- -I don't
give a shit what they think!
You had months to talk to me about
it, but you'd rather be depressed.
-That's not true.
-The hell it isn't.
You enjoy depression. You thrive
on it and live on it like a drug.
You're not happy until everybody
around you is hooked too.
I never promised everything
was gonna be light with me.
And I never promised I'd stay with you.
You won't commit yourself to anything
you might fail at. Like acting--
I lived with you for five fucking years,
buddy. What the hell is that, puppy love?!
-Stop screaming.
-I will not stop screaming!
I can't talk to you if
you're flying off the handle--
When would you ever come and
ask me if I was depressed?
-Why didn't you come to me and complain?
-I complained about it all the time!
-All you ever did was make me feel guilty.
-Oh, hey, guilt is your hang-up, not mine.
You had problems, and I had problems.
Sometimes you can solve
them and sometimes you can't.
-Will you stop being so rational?
-I will not stop being rational!
Me and the missis drove from Peoria,
and the guy at the filling station says--
-Jesus, Ron.
-These are the finest accommodations.
-Hi.
-Hi. Look, Ron, we only got two rooms left.
Me and the missis don't need but one.
As long as it got them Magic Fingers.
-It drives the missis wild, them things.
-And you gotta be quiet.
-Where do we register?
See if you can make him behave, okay?
Have room service send up
grease and two bottles of Moxie.
Ron.
What am I supposed to do?
You heard her. How am I
supposed to defend myself?
-I don't think she meant to attack you.
-Didn't mean?
She deliberately waits
until she has an audience...
...strangers included,
and then she hauls off--
-He just won't listen. He never listens.
-It's okay, honey, it had to come out.
-If just once he would admit he was wrong.
-It's okay.
Look, it's hard. She wasn't
expecting to meet you here, Jeff.
What am I supposed to do? Am
I supposed to scream at her?
Hit her back? Tell her
what I think of her? Christ!
Do you mind?
She could have at least left her keys.
They went in her car.
Old Ron.
-Old Frances.
-Yeah.
-You okay?
-I don't know.
-Chip, there's something in the road. Chip!
-I see it, I see it.
Well, it didn't die of natural causes.
You think it was hit by a car?
I don't see any tread marks.
No, no, this baby was taken for a ride.
What do you think we should do?
Look for an all-night game warden?
Did you fellas lose something?
Look, we didn't shoot the
deer. We don't even have a gun.
They think we shot the deer.
How do you know it was shot? No
one said anything about a shooting.
-It might have been knifed.
-Or bludgeoned to death.
-Or strangled with a silk stocking.
-Or slowly poisoned.
-You blew it, you should have clammed up.
-You're taking the fall, kid.
-Just as long as they don't search the car.
-Oh, that's right.
The glove compartment.
"Top aide nabbed in drug
bust. Senator refuses comment."
Give me a break.
And that was for conspiracy
to riot. Charges dropped.
September 12th, '69, for criminal trespass
and resisting arrest. Charges dropped.
December 24th, '69, inciting
to riot. Charges dropped.
August of '70, for libel in
Kentucky. Charges dropped.
Five arrests, all in Kentucky in '71...
...for suspicion of possession
of a controlled substance.
-Charges dropped. Do you want the dates?
-No.
And then March 5th, '73, indicted
for destruction of federal property...
...criminal trespass and
conspiracy. Charges dropped.
-That's it.
-Okay. Next.
Maura Tolliver.
That's M-A-U-R-A.
-Address?
-Same as his.
Previous arrest?
Same as his.
Except for the three days in Washington.
We got separated.
Sit right there and behave
yourself. I have a call to make.
Yes, sir.
About another half-hour till the
vegetables go soft. Then you strain them.
-She don't got a strainer.
-She got a colander?
-You mean that spaghetti thing?
-Right. You can use that to swish it around.
Then you pull out your joints,
put the stock in the fridge...
...till the fat comes up to the top.
-Scoop that off, right?
-Right. Then you reheat the stock.
Say, did you hear about the
break-in up on Deer's End?
-You mean that summer place?
-It must have been kids.
You people together?
We're in for.... What
do you call deer murder?
-Bambicide.
-Right, Bambicide. Right.
And conspiracy to deprive a furry
woodland creature of its civil rights.
Jacking deer, eh?
What's your beef?
-Drunk.
-No.
Drunk.
Second time this week.
Drunk.
-Is that a crime?
-Tourist season it is.
Rest of the year you can lay out
on the sidewalks for all they care.
-You're Dawnly, ain't you?
-Right.
-And you're...?
-Norman Gedes.
I used to referee some when
you played at the school.
What are you doing these days?
Since the Shoe Works went under...
...mostly I been drinking.
Take all of you people to nail one buck?
It was just lying there
with its feet tied together.
Must have been an easy shot, then.
-How many points?
-I didn't count.
-You're not from here, are you?
-No. Just Mike.
Lucky sons of bitches. I been jacking
deer in these woods all my life.
Never stumbled across
one that was gift-wrapped.
-Norman!
-Coming.
Son, plead self-defense.
It's your only hope.
I remember he refereed
a game drunk once.
He couldn't get his wind to blow the
whistle. It was like a free-for-all.
Hey, you know, we got almost all
the original Secaucus Seven here.
That's right.
-What's that? -An in-joke.
You had to be there.
It was one of the last Washington
marches, and we all ended up going down...
...from Boston in this station wagon.
-Which Jeff borrowed from a friend of his.
-An acquaintance.
-Some dude he thought he knew real well.
-We didn't all know each other that well yet.
It was me and Katie
and Jeff and Maura...
...and J.T. and Irene and--
Frances. Frances was the other one.
We get on the Jersey Turnpike
and we're low on gas...
...so we get off in Secaucus.
-Right where you pick up the Lincoln Tunnel.
-In two seconds we're busted.
Every cop on the Eastern
Seaboard was out...
...trying to pick off pinkos
on their way to Washington.
-The guy looks in the back of our trunk.
-No warrant.
-There's a rifle and an ounce of dope.
-Yeah, right.
The cop says rifle's okay,
right, but that marijuana....
We thought the guy who loaned us the
car was an FBI plant who set us up.
-It turned out he was just stupid.
-So we spend the night in the cooler.
Adjoining cells for men and women.
Segregated from the prisoners.
So we don't poison their minds.
And we get hysterical, calling
ourselves the Secaucus Seven...
...and doing numbers from Jimmy Cagney
and George Raft and-- What was that movie?
-Salt of the Earth.
-Right.
We want the formula.
We want the formula.
-Did you get sentenced?
-No, no.
The turd that busted us must
not have watched Dragnet.
He made such a mess of the
case, the judge threw it out.
He kept the ounce, however.
We want the formula.
We want the formula.
We want the formula.
-You can all go now.
-Don't tell me. Norman confessed.
He took the turn too fast,
and it slid off his hood.
-Where did you dump it?
-What?
The heroin, where did you dump it?
It's in my pocket. I
forgot all about it.
Oh, Christ, Jeff.
-Are you okay?
-I took some aspirin.
I just hope the room doesn't
start spinning when I lie down.
-You guys sure you don't mind?
-No, of course not.
We can talk in the dark
and pretend we're at camp.
If Frances comes back, she can
have the couch in the living room.
If I know Ron, she's not coming back.
Christ, Ron.
What's wrong with Ron?
Ron?
Yeah, Ron. What's wrong with that?
Nothing.
-I mean....
-I didn't even know you then.
I know that.
It's just that he
doesn't seem your type.
-Do I have a type?
-No.
I mean....
-Ron's a very likeable guy.
-Right.
I can see that.
My turn.
He's got a fantastic jump shot.
Hey, I told you I'd
slept with a lot of guys.
You did.
I didn't expect to meet any of them.
Well, you met Tony, that guy in Housing.
-And J.T.
-Oh, yeah. I forgot about them.
Hey.
Yeah?
You wanna put the mattress on the floor?
The mattress?
Oh, yeah. On the floor.
You're looking pretty good tonight.
So are you.
Ron, huh?
Ron's the least of your worries.
You should've seen Dwight.
I don't know, I'll just
go out there, I guess.
Try to make the right connections.
Then I'll cut some
demonstration tapes...
...or get someone with a
better voice to cut them.
You're really gonna do it.
I'm gonna try.
It's no big deal.
There's thousands of shiftless mothers
out there trying to do the same thing.
-Yeah, but none of them can write.
-Oh, don't you believe it.
I've been in enough
bars and coffee houses...
...sat through enough
amateur nights to know...
...that there is plenty of
people the same level I'm at.
They're not Hank Williams or
Bobby Dylan or anything, but...
...they can string a couple of lines
together, think up a nice melody.
There is a shitload of luck involved.
I hope you're lucky, then.
Somebody overdid their stimulants.
It's female. It's definitely female.
You hear that last little phrase?
Yeah, and it's not Irene.
Irene is deeper than that.
Yeah.
-Maura?
-No.
She's got more of an
"Earl" than a "Ralph."
Oh, yeah, that is definitely
a ralpher, all right.
Couldn't be Chip, could it?
He'd hold it in. Sublimate.
-Oh, he seems okay.
-Not a bad guy.
-Bit of a young Democrat, but....
-That's better than a young Republican.
It's Katie. It's Katie.
It's definitely Katie.
He's real nice to Irene.
Yeah, he better be. I told him if he
wasn't, I'd have the Turk break his thumbs.
-Like with Paul Newman in The Hustler.
-You didn't.
No, I didn't.
A year ago I would have, but I didn't.
I hope she's okay.
-Jeff?
-Yeah.
You still pissed at me?
Yeah.
Don't lose any sleep over it, though.
It really is all finished
between me and Maura.
I'm sorry.
Sure, everybody's sorry.
You guys better start eating. We got
another two and a half dozen of these.
Who can eat?
You're inhuman.
I figure I'll hitch out
before it gets too much colder.
It's just the setting-up
money I gotta scrape together.
-That's why I wanted to talk.
-When that guy in Boston comes through...
-...I'll pay you back whatever I owe you.
-No.
I was thinking.... Well, I'm
making a lot of money these days.
It's almost obscene what I'm
making, considering what I do.
I mean, it's long hours, but it's not
like I'm mining coal or anything like that.
And what I was thinking
was.... I'd make an investment.
-An investment?
-In your career.
People do it all the time.
Development money, like in a business.
And then when you hit the big
time, you can send me free albums...
...and free concert tickets and
get me Roberta Flack's autograph.
You wanna give me money?
I've got a couple thousand the bank's
probably using to invest in nerve gas...
...or support the South
African government or something.
I'd much rather have my money
doing something I believed in.
Hey, no, Irene, I mean the pressure
it'd put-- I'd feel obligated. I--
No strings attached.
Hey, what's the matter? You've
borrowed money from friends before.
Well, yeah, 5, 10 dollars
here and there, but....
-Irene, I really appreciate it, but I
couldn't-- -Damn it, J.T., I'm worried about you.
Yeah?
You always were real nice to me.
Always taking care of me, weren't you?
And I didn't do squat.
Take the money, J.T.
You going by bus?
Oh, here are my keys.
Here, you keep the apartment
one in case I'm out.
Oh, right. I'll have to come and
pick up my stuff when I get settled.
Any idea where?
You can forward my mail to my mother's.
How about the furniture?
Keep it. It goes with the place.
-I could give you half of what we paid.
-That's all right. Don't bother.
Should I cancel your
dentist appointment?
-Oh, yeah. Would you?
-Sure.
And don't forget the water bill.
I've been in more bars in the last couple
years than you guys'll be in in your lifetimes.
And there's this-- There's
this guy you always meet there.
He's a professional drinking companion.
He may have a job somewheres, but
how he survives is off his friends...
...his old friends, the ones
that like having him around...
...because he reminds them of
when they were irresponsible...
...and didn't care if they
made an ass out of themselves...
...because they didn't
have anything to lose.
Those guys give me the creeps.
You don't want it?
My mouth is watering. It sure would
make things a whole lot easier.
But this time I figure I do it
the hard way or I just don't do it.
So I know everything I get is mine...
...and I can bring it back
and show it off to you guys.
And if it doesn't work out?
If it doesn't work out, you can get me a
job with that wart healer that you work for.
Come on.
Are you sure you guys
can't stay any longer?
No, we have to do a speech for the senator.
We'll have to write it out loud in the car.
A convention of Girl Scout leaders
from all over the country. Good causes.
You couldn't buy a box of vanilla and
two chocolate mint like everyone else?
Listen, I had a fantastic
time, really fantastic.
Wait, let's see the thumbs.
Turk, what do you say?
We'll let him go this time, but if he ever
hustles pool in this neighborhood again--
Take it easy. And tell the
senator his days are numbered.
And don't forget to send me a
copy of your first hit single.
Well, don't hold your breath.
Hey, where'd Jeff go to?
He was headed for the
woodpile with an ax.
He'll stay out of sight until we're
gone, and then he'll pop up and say:
"Oh, did they leave already?"
He hates to say goodbye.
In the last few months,
he was unbelievable.
He'd be sitting there at the
kitchen table, staring into space.
I'd say, "Jeff, what's the matter?" He'd
look at me like he didn't even know me.
He wouldn't answer. He'd just look
at me. He just wouldn't let me in.
6000 Salad Bowls, all aboard.
God, I'm gonna miss you guys.
-You still feeling sick?
-A little.
I get so excited having people around
I don't have to explain all my jokes to.
-You tired?
-Wiped.
Take a nap. We won't let
you miss anything important.
I'm used to staying up 2,
3:00, you know, studying.
God, I used to be able to get stoned
and go out and carry on all night...
...and not even feel it the next day.
-You never could drink, though, Katie.
-True.
We should get our tickets.
I don't think I'll be riding.
-You're going to Boston, aren't you?
-Yeah, well, I figured I'd thumb it.
You're broke.
-What else is new?
-I'll pay for it.
-No, Maura.
-I really need the company, okay?
-In Boston, this guy owes
me money-- -Forget it, J.T.
I don't expect anything
from you. I really don't.
-Katie?
-Out here.
-Jeff's gone.
-He is? I didn't hear his car.
-He left a note.
-That's just like him. What's it say?
-It's an apology.
-For what?
I don't know. It just says,
"I'm sorry. Love, Jeff."
Oh, God. Nothing else?
Just a huge pile of kindling.
And then he can say:
"I thought I could get away with one
box vanilla, two chocolate mint...
...like everyone else."
Katie would die if she knew.
What are you looking at?
You really did have a
good time, didn't you?
Yeah, I did.
I think I passed the test too.
You got a good beat and
you can dance to it....
I'll give you a 90.
Don't wake her.
If she sleeps late enough, maybe we
can talk her into staying for the night.
Well, I suppose we ought to
take down the volleyball net.
It's supposed to rain later.
Let me take some aspirin first.
That dope of Chip's, Washington
Gold or whatever it was.
I think it was the coffee at the
police station that got to me.
And what are we gonna
do with all those eggs?