Gilbert, you better
get up. They're here.
- I'm up.
- You Okay?
- Yeah.
- You're sure?
Sure, I'm sure.
Mom, you remember the
first time you left home?
Yes. And I was just
as scared as you are.
I'm not scared, really.
I just don't like the idea of
leaving you here all alone.
Oh, I'll be fine.
I was fine when you went
away to computer camp.
- Mom, that was just for two weeks.
- I can take care of myself.
- I'm much more worried about you.
- I'm gonna be just fine.
Anyways, I'm not gonna
be alone. I got Lewis.
Gilbert?
Come on. Rise and shine.
Dad's waiting outside in
the car. It's all packed.
- Hi, Flo.
- Hi.
It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
It's gonna be a great year.
Now, I figure with
lunch and two A.R.V.'s
we should be on the road
approximately seven hours,
eighteen minutes and seven seconds.
- A.R.V.'s?
- Average restroom visits.
Oh, I'm so proud of you two boys.
Come on, Gilbert.
Let's go to college.
God.
Hey, Lewis, what time you got?
I'm trying to work out our exact E.T.A.
I got 2:37. Dad, how
fast are we going?
I've, uh, got the old
cruise control set at 35.
Adams College. Home of the Atoms.
Gilbert, this is gonna
be really neat.
Yeah? I sure hope so.
What if it isn't, huh?
Don't be so negative. We're gonna
have the time of our lives.
I'm not being negative.
I'm just being nervous, okay?
Well, don't be, okay? 'Cause
everything's gonna be great.
- Just like high school, right?
- This is college.
Remember. There's 6,127
students at Adams,
- 58% of which are girls.
- So?
So that's 7,107.32 boobs.
Aw, you college guys are all alike.
All you really care about is getting laid.
I wish I was goin' with you.
Dad!
Wow. This campus is awesome.
It's a lot bigger than I expected.
- Maybe we should've gone to City Tech.
- Come on. Tech's nothin'.
You know Adams has got the best
computer department in the country.
Yeah, you're right.
Adams is the best.
Well, boys, I mean men,
here we are.
What an opportunity for you guys.
You're both gonna do great.
I'm proud of you.
Your father would have been
proud of you too, Gilbert.
Oh, I know Mr. Skolnick.
Don't tell my mother I was nervous, okay?
I wouldn't want her to worry.
- Of course not. Don't sweat it.
- Thanks.
Hey, Lewis. Come here. Sit down.
I envy you, Lewis. This is one of the
finest institutions in the country.
You're gonna do fantastic here.
Try not to break too
many hearts, huh, Lewis?
That hasn't been a
real problem yet, Dad.
Aw, come on. You're gonna make
some lucky girl very happy.
You're smart, easygoing.
Got your father's good looks.
And you got a great sense of humor.
Really believe in you, son.
- Thanks, Dad. I won't let you down.
- I know.
Gilbert, help me with the trunk.
- Uh, Gilbert...
- Yes, sir?
College isn't like high school.
You'll... You'll be on your own.
- I want you to take care of yourself.
- I will.
Anyway, I won't be alone.
I got Lewis.
- Besides, we're college men now, right?
- Right!
Ow.
Whoop! Here. Come here.
Easier gettin' it down.
Come on, guys.
This is an historic moment.
All right.
- Say cheese!
- Cheese!
Got it.
Bye, Dad.
Bye. Thanks for the ride.
- Look at this!
- Ah.
Whoa. Look out.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- Bye, Mr. Skolnick!
- Drive careful, Dad!
Wait a minute! Watch out!
Sorry! Excuse us.
At ease! At ease! At ease!
You know, Gilbert?
I feel different already.
Like, uh, more mature.
Yeah. Looks like we're
in for quite a change.
I'll say. Parties. Meeting new people.
This is really gonna be great.
- I don't know.
- Just relax. Be yourself.
Like Davy Crockett always said,
be sure you're right, then go ahead.
Hey!
Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
Anyway, college is a
whole new ball game.
Nerds!
People judge you different
than they did in high school.
- Nerds!
- Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
Nerds!
- Nerds!
- Where are they?
- I think they're talking about us.
- No way.
Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Come on, Lewis. Let's go.
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Yeah.
Ogre!
Fill 'er up, baby!
All right!
Mmm, Stan.
Okay, everybody, listen up!
It's time for stair diving!
Well, Gilbert, here's our new home.
Can't believe we finally made it.
Lewis, if you don't want the bed
by the window, I'll take it.
- You got it.
- Thanks.
Sure.
You know, this is
really a great room.
- Yup.
- Definite possibilities.
Do you think maybe they'd let us put in a
little refrigerator for snacks and things?
Are you kidding, Gilbert? We can put a
fridge and a microwave right there.
That'd be a good place for the
entertainment center, too.
Great.
And that's just the beginning.
We're gonna have the best
dorm room on campus.
I don't know about the best, Lewis.
It'll certainly be the messiest.
Relax, Gilbert. Remember,
we got it covered.
This robot will be
better than a maid.
- It'll help with the women too.
- Women?
Yeah. Let's say one of us
is up here with a woman?
This'll be our early warning device,
so we don't walk in on each other.
Wait a minute. We're allowed to
have girls in our dorm room?
Not girls, Gil. Women.
- We're college men now.
- Isn't college great?
It's gonna be a great year.
Come on, Betty.
Show me what you got.
- Gable, check this out.
- What is it?
- It is outrageous, man.
- What is it?
Just try it!
Oh!
Are you okay?
- Jesus, Burke, what is this?
- 188 proof.
It's called a fireball, man. Watch.
Haystack, flame on,
buddy. Flame on!
Oh, now what?
Whoo!
Yeah!
Can you do it again? Do it again!
Fireball, fireball,
fireball, fireball.
Fireball, fireball,
fireball, fireball.
One more! One more!
Fireball! Fireball!
Fireball! Fireball!
Oh, shit!
Our house
Our house is burning down
Our house, our house
Our house is burning down
Must've been the electrical wiring.
That isn't what the fire
department thinks, Stan.
Dean Ulich, if my boys say it was
the wiring, I gotta believe them.
You know, Dean, this school
ought to be more careful.
Dean, we got a big game coming up
and I don't want my boys' minds worried
about where they're gonna live.
Well, they should've thought of that
before they burned their house down.
Well, what's done is done. Now,
where am I gonna put my athletes?
- How about the freshman dorm?
- What about the students living there now?
All right.
Thanks to faulty wiring,
we have no place to live, right?
- Right!
- And these freshmen...
Freshmen are sitting
pretty in there.
- So as of now, that dorm is ours! Right?
- Yeah!
Any room you want! Ready? Break!
Don't come back!
There's your roommate, pal!
If everyone follows directions,
we can manage this move with as
little inconvenience as possible.
All right, men. I want
everybody to listen up.
We're movin' out, and I mean now!
Move it! Move it! Move! Move! Move!
Hey, buddy! Here!
- Get outta here!
- Yeah! Move your ass!
All right, men. Listen up!
I'm gonna see to it that each and
every one of you is taken care of.
You will be provided with the best
possible food, shelter and accommodations.
- We will try to provide you...
- Now, let's move it out! Move it! Move!
Move! Move! Move it!
Move it!
Get outta here!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
I know this move has probably
been very sudden for all of you
and you're probably all
still very disoriented.
I do want to assure you that this move is
in no way permanent. It's only temporary.
As you can see, we've provided
accommodations for you
that are... That are
quite acceptable
and I think it'll be a very nice
place for you to enjoy your studies.
But I don't even want
to go to college!
Harold, you have a special gift.
You need college to develop it.
I want to be with
people my own age.
You will be with people your
own age when you're older.
But you just can't drop
me off in a gymnasium.
It's like we're
refugees from a war!
We've got to go now, honey.
Your dad has an appointment.
Bye, son.
It is, really very
comfortable here.
Is there anyone here
with allergies?
Me too. Uh, for those who
do have allergies, um...
You can request a
foam-rubber pillow.
Also, there's a television, uh,
for your viewing pleasure.
It is a black-and-white
television. More good news,
because of the...
Of the housing situation,
we are allowing the freshman class
to join and live in fraternities.
All right!
The fraternities will select
their new members tomorrow.
All right! Enough of this
social bullshit. Grab a cot.
Move it or lose it!
Go, son.
Move!
Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!
The Delta Kappa Gamma fraternity
has selected as its new members,
Oliver Scott and Bill Daniels.
For those of you, who weren't
selected by any fraternities,
you won't be left out in the cold.
You can stay here in the gym
for as long as you like.
Or at least until
basketball season.
Please answer when
I call out your names.
Poindexter, Arnold?
- Latrelle, Lamar.
- Lamar Latrelle.
- Wormser, Harold.
- Present.
- Takashi, Toshiro.
- Here, sir.
- Dawson, Dudley.
- Call me Booger.
All right, Booger.
Rakhim, Taj.
Excuse, please. But why
do they call you Booger?
I don't know.
Posquito, Lawrence.
Daniels, Paul.
I knew nobody'd pick us, Lewis.
Gilbert, it's probably not over yet.
There's a fraternity for us.
Dooley, Edward.
Wait a second, Lewis.
Are you sure about this?
Gilbert, yes. Come on.
- Hi, girls.
- Are you guys looking to join a sorority?
A sorority? No! Guy!
We really need some help.
We figured pretty girls like you might
be able to suggest a fraternity.
Well, you know, boys, choosing
the right fraternal organization
can be one of the most important
decisions in a man's life.
For sure.
Guys like you have to weigh
your choices very carefully.
Definitely.
What frat do you think is us?
- You guys are Alpha Betas all the way.
- Totally. For sure.
Wait. Aren't Alpha Betas, like,
all jocks and face men?
Yes. But you guys have got that certain
something I know they'd be interested in.
I'm gonna call them and
tell them you're coming.
Should we ask for a
particular Alpha Beta?
- Stan Gable.
- And you're?
Betty Childs.
Thank you, Betty. Uh, Miss Childs.
Maybe if you're not busy sometime, we
could have a cup of coffee or something.
- Oh.
- Come on, pal.
I can't believe you asked her out.
You know, Gilbert, if we get in,
maybe we can have our old room back.
- These guys are never gonna accept us.
- Why wouldn't they?
These are the Alpha Betas!
They're the football players.
Gilbert, I really don't think Miss
Childs would have sent us over here
if she didn't think we had
a chance of getting in.
- Yes?
- Hi.
Tell Stan Gable that we're the
guys that Betty Childs sent over.
Follow me, boys.
Gilbert.
Welcome.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey.
You guys seem pretty cool.
Take these for later.
Rubbers? What do we
need rubbers for?
Let the initiation begin.
Have you ever made love to a woman?
- Yes. No.
- No. Yes.
Liars!
All right, girls.
Let's go for the burn.
Let's get skinny! And one! And two!
And three! And four!
And one! And two! And three!
- Okay, Takashi, what do you got?
- Oh, I think I have a "frush."
- What the fuck is a frush?
- A "frush."
Oh, see, I got two sevens,
and two sevens beats a frush.
Oh, thank you.
One, two, three, four!
One, two, three, four! Come on, girls!
Fat is your enemy!
Hold those arms out straight!
- Oh.
- Jesus.
Smile, girls!
You're gonna be beautiful!
One! And two! And three! And four!
So, getting into a fraternity can be the
most important thing in a man's life, huh?
You know, that cheerleader
set us up, Lewis.
I really don't think Betty Childs
is that kind of person, Gilbert.
- Hey, Lewis.
- What is it, Gilbert?
I'm really sorry that
I snapped at you.
This gym's really gettin' to me.
It's okay. I understand. Tomorrow morning,
we'll find a better place to live, okay?
- Good night, Gilbert.
- Good night, Lewis.
- Good night, Lamar.
- Good night, Wormser.
- Night, Takashi.
- Good night, Poindexter.
Night, Booger.
Hey, take it easy.
The computer's your friend.
I wasn't meant to
interface with a machine.
Well, you're just beginning. Relax.
It's no use.
- It's inhuman.
- Oh, it's not inhuman.
Only humans can be inhuman.
Here. Lemme show you.
Working with a computer's great.
I mean, it's, uh, godlike in a way.
'Cause you can have
complete control.
- That's good.
- Thanks.
You know, some people, they
can create with their hands.
But when you're working with a computer,
you gotta build something with your mind.
If you're good, you can do somethin'
no one's ever seen before.
It's a definite high.
- Uh, what's your name?
- Judy.
Hi, Judy. Gilbert.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
- Joe, what are you doing here?
- Hiya, boys.
- Hello, Lewis.
- Hi, Gilbert.
Did you find a house?
No. I met a girl.
Gilbert.
- Her name's Judy.
- Judy's a nice name, Gilbert.
- Yeah. She's a nice girl.
- Big deal. Did you get in her pants?
- She's not that kind of a girl, Booger.
- Why? Does she have a penis?
You gonna eat this?
- Smell this one, nerd.
- Hey, Coach, Coach,
I got to find a place to live.
Is okay I leave early?
No.
Oh, okay.
- You know karate?
- Oh, no.
Good.
Okay, I programmed him with all
the rental units in the area.
To achieve optimum efficiency,
I've assigned each of you a
different part of the list.
This'll prevent doubling up, and we'll be
able to blanket the area in no time.
Booger.
Wormser.
Toshiro.
Nerd.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Mr. Wilson?
- Yeah.
Just checking.
Hi, there, big boy.
Hi. I came about the room for rent.
It's right next to mine.
It'll be perfect for us.
Who's there?
- I...
- What do you want?
- Is this the Stewart residence?
- Why are you here?
- I've come about the room.
- What do you want? Go... Go away!
- I... I... Do you have a room to rent?
- Not for rent.
- I thought it was for rent.
- Fuck off.
- Hi, Judy.
- Hi, Gilbert!
- How are you?
- I'm fine.
- Good.
- Where you goin'?
I gotta go find a place to live.
Oh, that's horrible, you guys
having to live in the gym.
Oh, yeah, well...
- What is that? Is that yours?
- Oh, it's my accordion.
- The... You play the accordion?
- Yeah!
- You know, I love the accordion.
- Really?
Yeah. Are you very good, or...
- No, not really.
- Oh.
I'm on my way to accordion class
now. Wanna walk with me?
Yeah, sure. Oh, no.
Here. Let me get it.
I think I found a house.
About fucking time!
Isn't it fantastic?
Welcome.
- You feeling anything yet, Takashi?
- Booger, I feel nothing.
Well, you better have another hit.
Look at this counter.
Could be good.
- Feeling anything now?
- Oh, no.
I feeling nothing at all.
How about now?
I can't believe what they've
done to that house.
That's amazing.
- Looks terrific, doesn't it, Stan?
- Yeah.
Well, it won't look
terrific for long.
What are you looking at, nerd? Huh?
I thought I was looking at my mother's
old douche bag, but that's in Ohio.
Seven, and eight,
and stretch those arms.
Come on, looks great.
Come on, Wormser.
Count one. Keep it up. Two...
Good morning, Poindexter.
- Good morning.
- Okay.
Excuse me.
Oh, thank you very much.
- Okay, Takashi, show me your cards.
- Okay. Two and four kings.
- That's good, yes? Oh.
- No. No, you got too many kings.
- You gotta get rid of these.
- Oh.
I'll take three of these kings out, and
we'll replace them with three fresh cards.
Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Okay, when do I deal?
You gotta win a hand first.
I told you we'd find
a better place.
Yeah. This is way
better than the dorm.
It says, "Nerds, get out."
What is a nerd?
We are.
I don't know what this world is
comin' to. See that man over there?
We arrested him for mopery.
What's mopery?
Mopery is exposing yourself
to a blind person.
I'm sorry about your
windows, fellas.
It's out of my jurisdiction.
Sounds like a fraternity prank.
There's only one organization
that can handle this.
What organization is that?
The Greek Council.
Our next order of
business, new membership.
Earl, show the
petitioners in, please.
Oh, my God.
Kneel, gentlemen.
You are the gentlemen who
wish to form a fraternity?
Yes, sir.
Well, gentlemen, as president
of the Greek Council,
I'm sorry to inform you that
your membership has been denied.
Excuse me, but, uh, why?
Well, according to our charter, you must
have a national fraternity as your sponsor.
- Do you have one?
- No.
Well, I'm afraid he's right.
But all we have to do is get a
national sponsor, and we're in, right?
Right, right. So I guess we'll see
you in about, say, uh, 20 years.
"Dear sirs, thank you for applying
to Delta Kappa Gamma."
"We've gone over your application,
and it wasn't even close."
"In the future, we recommend that
you not include a group photo."
That's 29 rejections so far.
Did we send pictures to everybody?
Yeah, everybody except for,
uh, Lambda Lambda Lambda.
Here's one that will see us!
Lambda Lambda Lambda?
Yeah. They're gonna love us.
As you know, we have no
chapter at Adams College,
which is why we agreed to see you.
But I must tell you, gentlemen,
you have very little chance
of becoming Tri-Lambs.
I'm in a difficult situation here.
I mean, after all,
you're nerds.
According to your by-laws,
you have to take us on
a 60-day trial basis.
- I beg your pardon?
- According to your by-law...
He's right, U.N.
Any group that petitions can become
a probationary Tri-Lamb chapter.
May I see that, please?
Thank you.
Well, gentlemen, you are now
probationary Tri-Lambs.
Hey, great, U.N.
Why don't we have a party? You can
come down and celebrate with us
and observe us to make sure
we're Tri-Lamb material, okay?
Great.
We won't let you down either.
I bet we'll have the highest grade point
average of any chapter you've got.
And we certainly
won't discriminate.
I mean, our chapter will be open
to people of all races and creeds.
And sexual orientation.
Wonderful.
- Hi. Remember me?
- No.
Well, we're having a party Saturday
night. Would you like to come?
- No.
- Oh. Well...
Come on! Get it up! Get it up!
Come on! You're shit!
You're nothin'!
You're scum! You suck!
- You're nice!
- No, I'm not!
- That a way, Og.
- Stan. Hi.
- What's up, Betty? Somethin' wrong?
- Yeah.
- What?
- One of those nerds just asked me out.
Which one?
- I don't know. They all look alike to me.
- Yeah.
They're trying to throw a party,
and they can't get any dates.
- Yeah?
- I'll eat their ancestors!
- I'll kill their parents! I'll kill...
- No, Ogre! Ogre!
Don't worry about it. Wait a
second. Just wait a second.
- Maybe we could help them out.
- Yeah?
Yeah. And I know just what to do.
Come here.
We'll put the bar over here,
and the hors d'oeuvres over there.
And we'll pass the rumaki
and the cheese puffs.
- That sounds expensive.
- Arnold, this party's important.
If we don't impress the
Tri-Lambs, we'll never get in.
Maybe we can have "robster craws."
What the fuck are robster craws?
Have any of you guys got
dates besides Gilbert?
- I do.
- Yeah, but that's with a guy.
What about you, Booger?
I been out combin' the
high schools all day.
Maybe we should cancel the party.
No, we can't cancel the party. U.N.
Jefferson's coming. We got to impress him.
We'll never find dates.
Hello, Lambda
We're the Pi's
And we're here to say
We think you are special guys
Lambdas all the way
Alpha Betas are okay
If you like sweat socks
We prefer your high I.Q.'s
To their great big jocks
Lambda Lambda Lambda boys
Really are the best
Won't you take a piece of Pi
And we'll do the rest
The sisters of Pi welcome our newest
fraternity, Lambda Lambda Lambda.
We'd like to be escorts to
your party Saturday night
and help out in any way possible.
- We got dates!
- I never been out with a girl before.
Not just a girl,
Poindexter, but a Pi.
- What's Pi stand for?
- Hair pie.
What's that?
Oh.
- Lewis, where are the Pi's?
- I don't know.
Their phone's been
busy for two hours.
I don't think U.N.'s
having a very good time.
Must be the music. I'll put on
something he'll like better.
- Lewis.
- U.N.?
- Great party.
- Thanks.
Where are those good-lookin' sorority
girls you're supposed to have dates with?
You know women. They're probably
just being fashionably late.
Swing low, sweet chariot
- I don't think the Pi's are gonna show.
- They stood us up, huh?
- Yeah.
- I could call my sorority sisters.
- You could?
- You think they'll come right over?
They're really spontaneous
people. I'll call 'em.
Crush this ice for me, will you?
- Hey, guys, we got dates.
- Who?
- Judy's gonna invite the Omega Mu's over.
- Oh, no. Not the Mu's!
- Yeah.
- They're a bunch of pigs.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You can all sing along.
The words are really easy.
So I say I gotta be free.
So I say I got... I gotta be me.
- So I say I gotta be free
- Free
- So I say I gotta be me
- Me
I'm saying...
I'm saying you gotta be...
This party isn't going
very well, is it?
I don't know why
everybody's so uptight.
Me either. Maybe we should eat.
Maybe we should watch TV.
Hey, guys.
Wonder joints.
They taste better than they look.
Oh, goody!
Oh, smile pretty, chickies.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
Hair pie. Hair pie.
Nothing. Nothing.
Ah!
And I have a micon data link
which hooks this phone to
the computer in the robot.
Hey, this is some good shit.
Hair pie? Thank you.
Oh, hair pie?
- You built this yourself?
- Yeah.
I think robots are sexy.
I do too, really.
- Do you wanna dance?
- Okay.
Damn! You Mu's sure can party!
- Come on. Let's go.
- Where?
- Up to your room.
- You wanna go up to my room?
Yeah.
- Are you nearsighted or farsighted?
- Nearsighted.
- So am I.
- Really?
Yeah. You wanna switch glasses?
Gilbert, we almost have
the same prescription.
Yeah. Listen, um,
would you like to dance?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, uh, when
I was in high school,
I was thinking mostly of
the, uh, aerospace field.
But when I got into college,
I decided that I wanted something
a little more challenging.
So, um, I switched to computers.
And, uh, now aerodynamics
is just sort of a hobby.
Wait, wait. No, no, wait.
Would you rather live in the ascendancy
of a civilization or during its decline?
Poindexter, do you
wanna fuck or not?
You know, if, uh, we get
into Lambda Lambda Lambda
we could be your partners
in the homecoming carnival.
I know. That'd be so great.
Yeah. This party sure
worked out well.
Get 'em out of here!
Old MacDonald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had
some pigs. E-I-E-I-O
We thought you could use some
more pigs for your party, nerds.
With an oink, oink here
and an oink, oink there
Here an oink, there an oink
Everywhere an oink, oink
Old MacDonald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O
- Fuck you!
- Fucking-A!
Fuck you!
We'll never get into
Lambda Lambda Lambda now.
Yeah, those jocks
ruined everything.
I say we blow their
fucking houses up.
No, we can't resort to violence.
That'll just bring us
down to their level.
- What do we do?
- We got to beat 'em at their own game.
We've got to become the
best fraternity on campus.
You know, if we win that
homecoming carnival,
we can take over the presidency
of the Greek Council.
That would drive 'em crazy.
But, Gilbert,
if we don't get approved by the
Tri-Lambs, we won't even be a fraternity.
- I say we blow the fuckers up.
- No, we can't do that.
But you're right.
Their action tonight
demands an immediate retaliation.
And if we don't, we're nothing
but the nerds they say we are.
I know what we're gonna do.
Down! Down! Down!
Come on!
E-I-E-I-O
With an oink, oink here
And an oink, oink there
Here an oink
Everywhere an oink, oink
- Where?
- Right there.
- Isn't this gonna make a lot of noise?
- It's got a built-in silencer.
Camera. The periscope.
- Hey, Suzy.
- Hi, Betty.
God, that was fun tonight.
- We were the highlight of their party.
- I know.
- God, those pigs sure were greasy, too.
- I have to get the smell off.
Oh, I know.
Listen, if Stan calls, tell him
I'll call him back, okay?
Okay.
Panty raid!
It's a panty raid!
Panty raid!
Hey!
What are you... What are you doing?
Give me those back! Come here! Hey!
Wormser, how many cameras
do we have left?
- Four.
- Okay.
Step aside, mama. I wanna
see some of that muff.
Hair pie. Hair pie!
That nerd saw me naked!
Oh! Get out!
Out! Out! Out! Get out!
- Hiya, buddy.
- Hi!
- Isn't college great?
- This is going to be a great year.
Get out of here!
Hair pie! Hair pie!
Stan's gonna kill you!
Get out! Jerks!
Ooh!
We love you when you're mad!
- Almost there, Wormser?
- This should do it.
Oh.
- Ah.
- Good.
That looks good, Lamar.
This is a stationary camera.
- We've got Pi's.
- Mmm.
You got other angles, Lamar?
- Go to their room.
- Yeah, go in their room.
Yeah. Perfect. Good.
- Arnold, that's her.
- Go to the right.
Arnold, that's the girl we saw.
- Go up. Go up. Go up.
- Up?
Wait a second. Hold it
right there, Lamar.
Don't move the camera.
Yeah!
Oh, no.
I drink to that.
Yes. I like that nightie.
- That's very good.
- Can you go in that room?
Okay.
Here she comes.
God, take your towel off, please.
Come on. Remove it.
There's somethin' comin' up.
Yes! Is it cold in there or what?
Nature's thermometers.
- Focus! Focus it, Lamar.
- Focus!
Just kidding.
This is bullshit.
I want bush. Pan down.
We've got bush. We've got bush!
Hair pie!
I'm tired of watching
'em brush their teeth.
See if Betty's up.
Dooley, throw me a beer.
Thanks.
Oh, I getting tired of Betty.
Are you kidding? Zoom in.
I could never get tired of Betty.
How could you ever get tired
of that ass, Takashi?
Oh, I see your point.
Are you guys still
watching the Pi's?
- Yes.
- Have you been up all night?
Yes.
- Wormser, haven't you had enough?
- No.
Well, I think we got
even with the Pi's.
Now we got a little score to
settle with the Alpha Betas.
Shit, Hank, What is that stuff?
- Liquid heat.
- It burns.
You oughta feel it when
I don't mix it with water.
Get them!
Make pile here.
Hurry.
Okay. Here goes.
Go for it.
Okay, don't... Don't touch now.
- Okay. Okay.
- Here. Hit this one.
Looks like salad.
The key to each
season is homecoming.
You win that one, you got
your alumni support.
You got your alumni support,
you got that jock dorm,
you get the laundry money,
you get the new cars.
Now, this season started out fine.
We won some big ball games!
But we were lucky.
We can't get soft.
We can't sit back on our laurels.
We win homecoming, we take league.
We take league, we get a bowl bid.
It's as simple as that.
But, gentlemen,
you have got to want it.
Do you want it?
- Yeah!
- I can't hear you!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
We can't let up!
We gotta stay tough.
You can do it! You can do it!
- You can do it!
- God!
You gotta believe
that you can do it!
- You gotta let them know that you want it!
- I want it!
Good!
- Shower up!
- Oh, God.
Shit, we forgot to practice.
You put what?
Liquid heat.
- On their what?
- In their jocks.
- That's outrageous.
- Are you angry, U.N.?
No! I'm not angry.
I'm glad to see you...
You guys finally fought back.
I think you'll make a fine addition to Tri
Lambda, and I wanna welcome you aboard.
- Congratulations.
- All right!
- You'll tell the guys?
- I will!
Okay, everybody ready?
Okay, I focus now. I set timer.
Now say, "Hi, U.N."
Hi, U.N.!
Well, I'd like to propose
a toast to U.N. Jefferson,
who, in his ultimate wisdom,
chose to accept us
into our new fraternity,
Lambda Lambda Lambda.
Lambda Lambda Lambda!
Before we take this
matter to a vote,
I would like it clearly stated
in the record, Miss Childs,
that the evidence is overwhelmingly
against the Alpha Betas
and I urge that they
be found guilty.
Point of order.
Dean Ulich, I am an Alpha Beta,
and I know that no
member of my fraternity
could have perpetrated such
a callous, heinous act
against the nerds or the Tri-Lambs.
Therefore, I feel a vote at this time
would be, shall we say, premature.
- Premature?
- Yes.
You see, instead,
I am going to organize
a special, blue-ribbon
fact-finding commission
made up of myself and,
uh, Miss Betty Childs
and we will get to the bottom
of this dastardly deed.
- You can't get away with this.
- Oh, no, I'm afraid I can.
You see, only the president of the
Greek Council can call a vote.
- That's completely unfair!
- This is bullshit!
Meeting adjourned.
Guys, we are never gonna get a fair shake
as long as Stan Gable is president.
But the only way to become president
is to win the homecoming carnival.
That's right, Arnold.
- And that's exactly what we're gonna do.
- Yeah!
I take great pleasure
in officially opening this
year's homecoming carnival!
The overall winner will be
determined by total points
from, number one, field events,
number two, the charity
fund-raising booth
and number three, the musical
show and skit competition.
And now, let the games begin!
Okay, the object of the race is to
complete 20 laps around the track,
while stopping every lap
for a mandatory pit stop
at which time the driver
will chug a beer.
You don't have a
fucking chance, nerd.
- Thank you. Good luck to you, too, Burke.
- Fuck off.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
Come on!
This is trichloromethaline. It counters
all effects of alcohol in your system.
- Drink the whole beer.
- Go, go, go! Come on, Danny!
- Come on, buddy! Kick his ass!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Okay, okay, come on!
- You feeling okay?
- Oh, fucking great!
- Go, go, go!
Come on, baby! Yeah!
- Come on, guy!
- Only one more lap to go.
Just you and the Alpha Betas.
You let that nerd beat you,
and you're nothing! Understand?
- He no stand no chance now!
- Go, Takashi!
- Come on! Let's go, Burke! Here we go!
- Oh, no!
All right! Come on, Takashi! Go!
Aw, man, he's wasted!
Come on, Burke!
You're an Alpha Beta!
Fuck!
- Shit!
- I won! I won!
Times are changin', Betty. These nerds
are a threat to our way of life.
If they win homecoming, they're
gonna take over the Greek Council.
And we'll be up to our
necks in nerd shit.
Our next competition will
be the Trojan Horse.
Come on! Come on! Get off!
Get off!
Yeah!
What is Alpha Beta doing?
All right!
Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
- Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!
- On your mark! Set!
Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!
Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!
- Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!
- On your mark!
- Set!
- Ooh! Aah! Alpha Beta!
You win!
Frankly, I'm not too wild
about this next event,
but it has become a tradition here
at Adams, the belching contest.
Our first of two finalists,
Frederick W. Polowosky.
"Ogre, you asshole."
Ogre.
And from the Lambda-Mu
team, Dudley Dawson.
- Booger.
- Booger.
Our next event is one that goes all the
way back to the Peloponnesian War,
the javelin throw.
Yeah!
- All right, baby!
- What'd you expect?
- Wait till you see Lamar's throw.
- How come?
Wormser's a master at aerodynamics
and he designed the javelin to go along
with Lamar's limp-wristed throwing style.
Wormser! It worked!
I can't believe it!
Did you see that?
I love you all! I love you all!
Thank you!
Thank you!
The Alpha Beta-Pi team leads.
The Lambda-Mus are a
surprising second.
Now let's see what happens at the
charity fund-raising booths.
Eat a pie for charity!
Come on! Let's go!
Buy a pie for charity! Thank you.
Take a break, Chip.
Hi.
- Hi, Betty.
- A nerd.
- I'm not kissing a nerd.
- You have to.
I paid my money.
It's time for my break.
Kiss this, nerd.
- Stan!
- Yeah?
I wanna do it. All this
kissing's made me horny.
God, Betty, you're like a goat.
Next.
Stan!
You changed your mind.
I'm glad. Come on.
Hey, you.
You wanna do it on the moon?
Take off your mask.
Oh, Stan.
You're so kinky.
Eat a pie for charity.
Step right up.
Come on. Step up.
- Eat a pie for charity. Thank you very much.
- Eat a pie for charity!
Gable, how we doin'?
- Great, 1,258 bucks. Better than last year.
- The nerds are over 2,000.
- Yep.
- For selling pies?
They've got a line around the corner.
Guys are buying two, three pies apiece.
There's something fishy about
these pies. Let's go check it out.
Okay, hold on for a second.
- Thank you.
- Pies for charity.
- Pies for charity.
- This can't be!
Ogre, go get a pie. Find out
what the hell's going on here.
Thanks, wimp. Get yourself one.
- Well, how is it?
- Good.
- Is it good, or is it great?
- It's good.
Just good? Then what the hell are
they selling so many of them for?
Here's why. Uh-oh.
That's my Pi.
Oh, Stan.
That was wonderful.
You did things to me
you've never done before.
You're that nerd!
Yeah.
God, you were wonderful.
Thanks.
Are all nerds as good as you?
- Yes.
- How come?
'Cause all jocks think
about is sports.
All we ever think about is sex.
- What's your name?
- Lewis.
Lewis,
would you meet me after
the pep rally tonight?
Sure.
It's all tied up,
which means the musical show and skit
competition will decide the winner.
So, let the music begin!
Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily
Merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream
What'd the Pink Panther say
when he stepped on an ant?
- What did the Pink Panther say?
- Dead ant. Dead ant.
Dead-ant, dead-ant dead-ant.
What is the dirtiest thing
ever said on television?
The dirtiest thing ever said
on television. I don't know.
"Ward, I think you were a little
hard on the Beaver last night."
Gable, Gable, he's our man!
If he can't do it, Burke can!
Burke, Burke, he's our man!
If he can't do it, Ogre can!
- Give me an "A"!
- Give me a "D"!
- Give me an "A"!
- Give me an "M"!
- Give me an "S"!
- What's it spell?
Adams!
Whoa!
Look at that! Look at that!
Break!
I'd like to present the trophy
to this year's champions...
Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu!
They will be able to
select the president
of next year's Greek Council.
No!
I'd like to announce that we've
made our selection already.
It's Gilbert Lowe!
This sucks. I gotta get rid
of some of this anger.
- Come on, Betty. Let's go pump some iron.
- No, Stan. I don't think so.
What do you mean?
Let's go. Why not?
I've got a date with a Tri-Lamb.
A Tri-Lamb.
Here's your pin.
Take it.
Wait. Betty. Come on.
God! I'm in love with a nerd!
- Gable.
- Yeah, Coach?
I wanna see you and the other
girls in the locker room now!
Yes, sir.
When you were a baby in your crib,
your father looked down at you,
he had but one hope,
someday my son will
grow to be a man.
Well, look at you now.
You just got your asses whipped
by a bunch of goddamn nerds.
Nerds!
If I was you, I'd do
somethin' about it.
I would get up and redeem myself
in the eyes of my father,
my maker and my coach!
- Well, let's get those nerds!
- Nerds!
- Nerds!
- What are we waitin' for?
We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and
Omega Mu!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Come on! Come on!
I'm a nerd.
Welcome to the real world.
I never really wanted
to believe that.
- It's okay.
- It's not okay.
We're nothing. We let
them destroy our house.
Lewis, we're gonna control
the Greek Council next year.
Big deal!
You'll be dead by then, Gilbert.
Nobody cares. Don't you understand that?
The university doesn't care.
There's nothing we can do about it.
I think we got
something good going,
and I'm not gonna let 'em
take it away from us.
Gilbert, don't be a fool.
You'll just get
yourself hurt again.
- Big deal.
- Gilbert.
I'd like to introduce to you the
men that are gonna bring you
a homecoming victory
against State tomorrow.
At defensive back,
number 38, Kevin O'Leary.
Offensive guard,
number 64, Rich Valeroy.
At center, number 53, Harry Reagan!
Look who's comin'.
- Hey! Where you goin', nerd?
- Just leave me alone.
You guys went way too far this time,
and you're not getting away with it.
- Oh, is that right?
- Yeah.
Well, let's see if shit floats.
What do you think of that idea?
Put me down. Goddamn...
Put me down!
Bombs away!
And now, our tri-captains.
Leading the conference
in reception,
at wide receiver,
number 84, Danny Burke!
Our defensive captain,
number 79, Fred Polowosky!
- Ogre!
- The Ogre!
Now, our two-time
all-American quarterback,
number 10, Stan Gable!
Yeah!
- Hold it, son! Hold it! Hold it!
- Come on!
Leave him alone. Coach,
I said leave him alone.
- What did you say?
- You heard me.
- I'll break his goddamn neck!
- You will do nothing of the sort.
Don't you touch that boy.
Says who?
Says me,
you asshole.
Hold it, Coach!
You just hold it right there.
Okay, kid.
Say what you got to say.
Thanks.
Uh...
I just wanted to...
To say that... That I'm a nerd.
And I'm here tonight to stand up
for the rights of other nerds.
I mean, uh,
all our lives we've been laughed
at and made to feel inferior.
And tonight,
those bastards, they
trashed our house.
Why? Because we're smart?
'Cause we look different?
Well, we're not.
I'm a nerd, and, uh,
I'm pretty proud of it.
- Hi, Gilbert.
- Hi.
I'm a nerd, too.
I just found that out tonight.
We have news for the
beautiful people.
There's a lot more of us
than there are of you.
I know there's alumni here tonight.
When you went to Adams you
might have been called a spaz
or a dork or a geek.
Any of you that have ever felt
stepped on, left out,
picked on, put down,
whether you think you're a nerd or
not, just come down and join us.
Come on.
- Hi, Betty.
- Hi.
Just join us, 'cause... Hi.
No one's gonna be free until
nerd persecution ends.
Hi, guys.
You know, Coach. I think
I'm gonna let these boys
live over at the Alpha Beta house
while you and your
boys rebuild theirs.
- And where the hell are we gonna live?
- Yeah. What about us, huh?
You're jocks. Go live in the gym.
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!